I was married for 13 years, basically got to a point where it was mostly drudgery. We were trying, but so exhausted by life in general that it was hard to feel connected.

So, I thought I was just straight up ace and we ended it, cause ex couldn’t quite get a handle on how to deal, and we were both hurting each other unintentionally. BUT, I’ve recently been hanging out with someone who I’m super infatuated with, and the sexual feelings followed.

Wondering if maybe I’ve been demisexual this whole time, and the reason my ex and I couldn’t connect was cause I’d fallen out of love with him? Anyone relate?

If you are questioning whether or not you are asexual (including all microlabels), reply to this post with what made you start questioning, and why.

If you are too shy to post a reply, then you can scroll through the responses for the advice you may be searching for.

I want to be ace, so maybe I am.

I have always felt some connection to aceness but have not been able to figure out precisely what it is. Ace people fascinate me and I feel something pulling me toward it, but there are a few things that are tripping me up:

• I like making dirty jokes and playfully flirting with my friends
• I have had crushes but not many since high school
• I have had sex once and enjoyed it; I did not feel horny during the act but I enjoyed making my partners feel good
• I have a fairly high libido, masturbate frequently, and enjoy my sexual fantasies/fetishes
• I get aroused when I see someone I find attractive, though recently I have discovered that I do not necessarily want to have sex with them

First off, i wanna clarify I haven’t actually changed my mind about being ace

IMO it’s a lot harder to tell people that your no longer identifying as asexual after coming out, especially with asexuality because it kinda implies you had some kind of sexual experience when in reality you most likely just don’t wanna identify anymore

I hate this because it makes it a lot harder for me to come out since this makes it feel like there’s going back and I have to commit to being ace

I wanna clarify about the last part I don’t have a problem with being ace I just find it annoying because it’s harder to come out when it feels like there’s no going back after

So I’ve identified as asexual for a few years now. However idk if I really am asexual. I have thoughts of things that turn me on and I really want to have sex (not in a horny sense, more like I really want to have the want for sex). However sex and sexual things don’t really do it for me. I find my self really wanting to be “horny” but I can never seem to find it. Idk if others experience the same thing or if I’m just hella confused. What are your thoughts on the situation?

She is the embodiment of me mentally and my views on s*x.

Her name is "Ace", but that name doesn't define her whole self.

https://preview.redd.it/juw5ydpjr64e1.png?width=321&format=png&auto=webp&s=4e1f5f490e37f37550bd248f075b9d58e0703ae3

I've been pretty much scared away from dating/committing to anyone after my last relationship three years ago. I've recently been more open and interested in dating, but my fear of being left due to my celibacy makes it hard to get past short talking stages. Do y'all have any advice on finding/meeting asexuals romantically?

I am an 18 year old female looking for men, just to clarify if that helps.

This is a paradoxical question... so basically, I want to participate in thought regarding asexuality. However, that does often include conversation about >!sexual!< things. (Solo stuff too.)

I’m apothi/replused, but I am alloromantic. I do loathe that due to how it can be difficult finding romance without the added expectation.

However, I do want to still keep myself grounded in the mindset that being as I am is okay and I do wish to see other examples of it.

Media in particular, that is regularly occurring though.

Not just a show or movie that is watched once and done.

Creators, perhaps? It's hard to completely explain, but I think I'll know when I see it.

I mostly think about this when I have watched videos about social stuff and many heteronormative things come up. I don't agree with a lot of what I hear, but know it is an opinion of others.

Though after 2 years, I'm tired of hearing certain things, it depresses me. I believe it might be part of one of my OCD cycles, and I'm trying to break it.

So currently trying to find out if I'm ace, I'm (19m) and I've always never really liked the idea of sex, ever since I learnt about it I found it disgusting.

However I still feel romantic attraction towards the opposite sex, so I guess that would make heteromantic ace?

For a long time I've seen people fantasize about sex, and wondered what's wrong with me, and even tried to get into porn but I just didn't like it and I was disgusted by it.

But I get horny or even aroused by looking at a person I find hot/attractive, it's either their face, clothing or hairstyle that just makes me feel horny for some reason, but not in the way that I want to have sex with them. It's more that I fantasize about talking to them, get to know them, cuddle, touch, hug or even kiss, but it's never sex that I think of.

In fact I also sometimes find nudity(things like vagina and boobs) disgusting or just don't feel anything from it, but a person with a certain clothing style just makes me aroused for some reason?

I also find m*sturbation fun, but it's never connected to the idea of sex, more about things like cuddling etc.

I am often annoyed by how much everything on the internet is about porn or sex.

So what am I?

(Not a list. Just how else to explain I don't know.)

I wish more than anything to find me a cis woman lesbian who doesn't care what each part of me is as long as I'm trying and such; as they know not all is a choice. She doesn't care that I always wear a hat except sleeping, washing it; drying it and trims. She doesn't care about my undergarment wearing. She only uses her phone when in person isn't an option. She has hair on all three down under and arms and legs. If we have sex it is only me fucking them; helping them masterbate in the front only. No kids. We still Kiss and all else life.

It is a pain in my ass being a single introverted, friendless, mildly autistic and asexual cis long haired tomboy 90's lesbian . (Thirty two typing this)

It hurts that I often dream of that dream woman.

It hurts that I also don't want to deal with it.

It hurts that I may never find my dream woman.

Introversion is a pain in my ass.

I wish someone understood. Anything st all.

I see it everywhere that my kind is already hated because oh look, "90's white cis grunge woman lesbian AXE!!🪓 " Like sorry I don't know what you want from me. I am what and who I am. I'm into who I'm into. My facial structure and body and brain is what I was given. 😖 to top it off French kissing tilted to the right is the only kissing I know how to do. Which doesn't help me at all. 😭

Ok so basically I’ve been thinking this for a while and I was hoping for some guidance on what I could be if I am

So I’m ok with things like m@sturbation,porn,nsfw ai but I don’t like the thought of having sex with someone bcs it’s seems kinda gross when I think about it and I think I’d just be uncomfortable (but I don’t know 4 sure due to not actually have done it)

Hi, I'm a 30 year old female and dated a guy for about month. We soon discovered that we had different emotional needs. When I brought up that pursuing this relationship seems pointless to me he asked if I wanted to stay friends. To me it seemed a bad idea at the moment, but I wanted to give a shot. We still see each other but about one in a month within or without a group of mates. I'm happy when I see him but even if it slowly fades I'm still attracted to him (sensually and romantically). So I wonder if it's a good idea to keep contact.

So I came to a recent understanding of myself that I generally don’t find anyone physically attractive or ugly. Like when I look at people it’s more of a ‘wow they look nice’ or ‘they’re aesthetically pleasing to the eye’ sort of thing. I don’t think I’ve ever found anyone physically ugly either. I don’t know if it falls under the Ace spectrum or maybe another. I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar moment. Like no one’s beautiful or ugly; they just kind of exist if that makes sense.

Hi I’m (23M) not sure how to even start this off, but after one VERY long and informative conversion with a close friend I think I might be asexual.

I spoke with my friend recently about my recent sex life. When I was a kid I was repeatedly molested by our landlord. This really messed me up (as it would anyone) and I kind of started to develop my sexuality and go through puberty much later than every other guys around me. Especially through middle school, I struggled so much in middle school not understanding what everyone else was going through.

A little later in life probably in like 11th grade I started to develop romantic feelings for women, but never a sexual interest. It was kind of something I didn’t yearn for and it was the first thing that made me question my sexuality. I was raised deeply Christian and both my parents and older siblings had very conservative views so I was always scared of the possibility of being gay it was something that made me incredibly sad. As more time passed i realized that I wasn’t gay, but I possibly wasn’t exactly straight.

Now these past 2 years have been an especially educational. I’ve had maybe about 3 different partners and it hasn’t been something that I’ve looked back on in happiness. Each sexual encounter I’ve had felt somewhat forced or like I didn’t actually enjoy it. I’ve recently entered a relationship with a woman who I think might be hyper-sexual. It’s honestly an awful relationship, but that’s a whole other thing. I don’t much enjoy having sex, but she gets very angry and frustrated that I don’t want to. Anyway I absolutely LOVE love and people there’s nothing I love more than to display my love for others, but I just don’t care for the intimacy part that is expected.

I know I yapped a lot, but I hope someone can help me a bit. Idk I recently came upon this discovery and while I’m super happy to know more about myself I also feel very fragile about this possible discovery.

Hi, I'm not new to asexuality necessarily, but I've most recently confirmed that I am.

I always felt odd and out of place because I didn't like sex, didn't see the point, and thought it was weird. I only usually had sex because it's "what people do". And I didn't want to be "broken" or the weirdo I guess.

I've started doing group therapy and it's helping but I've realized I have a lot of self hatred around this because I've always been the only one. I don't know anyone else that is asexual. It's lonely and scary for some reason.

I want to accept myself for who I am, but it's been hard. I guess I'm just looking to see if people are having a hard time too?

I'm in a relationship (I'm bi also so add that to the mix) and I've always found it hard to get it through to my partners that I don't like sex and don't really think it's needed. And when I bring up that I feel I'm asexual, I get all the push back and: "maybe you need to do it more" "maybe talking about it will work" "maybe it's trauma, maybe you should talk to someone".

How do you explain it to others? Does it ever stop with your partner? Am I doomed to feel stressed all the time, waiting for the next advance from my partner?

I love my partner and we've been together for 3 years, and we have had multiple conversations about it, and I feel horrible not being able to compromise. We haven't been intimate in over a year so I know it's driving them crazy. But I also hate the "wait and see" part. Are they going to resent me eventually?

I told my partner that they have to make the call for themselves because to me sex isn't important, but they have expressed it as a need before. I told them there is no hard feelings if they can't do a relationship like this forever, but they need to be honest with themselves and not drag us through situations that lead to resentment. Was that wrong of me? Should I have gone about that differently?

I'm sorry this is long, I'm just alone and confused and scared. And I'm hoping for someone to feel the same? Or to have felt the same at some point I guess.

Me and my hypotheticals... I was thinking about it. Somewhat of a way that I twiddle my thumbs impatiently.

It was something I worried about. I'm an alloromantic ace and thought about when I speak to someone, I would state that I'm ace first and foremost.

I was so shocked when someone I almost was "with" politely rejected me, and then asked me something that made realize they weren't ace anyway. (They didn't know I was ace, it was just a personal reason.)

(So I learnt a lesson.)

I was thinking about potentially meeting ace people in a GSA club when I go to university, but there's a chance it might not work out for various reasons.

Other thing I thought about were ace events in a major city.

But I feel like my chances are still relatively low.

Issue comes in when I think that a person might be pretending to be ace. (Why I say this is because they might just try to make a person comfortable & later on try something/"corrective" stuff.)

Or might say they're okay with it and later on might try to force something.

I want to avoid people that explcitly say they are allo, (but are still open to the idea of having an ace partner.)

I wanted to know the plausiblity of my worries. I feel like it's realistic, but also I have a stupid naïveness in myself.

Like "Why would someone go to the trouble?" or "Why would someone frustrate themselves in such a manner if they know it might not work?"

Things happen.

TLDR.

Realistically, is it likely to meet someone who would pretend to be ace? (For nefarious reasons.)

For context, I’m a 25 yo woman who’s never masturbated, orgasmed, or had any previous sexual experience or desire.

So I’ve made a couple posts to the sex advice sub and a few people over there suggested I ask this sub.

I’m asexual and I completely embrace that 100%. However, I’m not sex-repulsed as much anymore and I do have a desire to experience sexual pleasure, but because I’m very inexperienced and ace, I’ve never really dwelled on it.

I’m married to a straight man (who is very loving and patient and understanding with me and wants to help as best he can), but he doesn’t really know what all to do to help either, so I’m turning to the internet for advice cause I can’t afford to make another doctor’s appointment rn.

I can only feel a little teaser of an orgasm by practicing syntribation, but I never am able to reach a climax. It only feels intensely good for a very short time and then it’s gone. No other “traditional” masturbation methods work either, and I’m still a little too freaked out to do anything like penetration with my own hands or anything.

Getting my mind in a sexy mood is extremely difficult too, being ace. Also I’m 98% sure i have ADHD so any train of sexy thoughts is very easily derailed by something completely unrelated.

So I think I still consider myself to be an ace/gray ace cause I don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone other than my husband, but I want to experience sexual pleasure. Porn grosses and weirds me out and I’m still too “squeamish” to go too far with touching myself.

I have a vibrator that feels good, but it doesn’t do much.

I just really want some tips/advice for dealing with this. I’ll ultimately end up talking to my OBGYN about it, but this is the best i can do for now.

Not sure that what I want even is out there.

I'm 38f, and have only recently discovered I am absolutely on the asexual spectrum. Literally every past relationship, sex has been a huge issue.

I always felt it was because of shifts in the behavior or treatment of me from past partners (not entirely wrong though), or my own depression and anxiety making me feel that I just couldn't do it anymore.

Therapy made me realize that while that is part of it, I've also had healthy relationships that I people pleased and met the other person at their level of sexual needs until I would hit the inevitable wall that I couldnt do it anymore. And despite nothing else being glaringly wrong, we split because of sexual differences.

But I adore the time spent, the communication and sharing of thoughts and ideas. I love listening to the other person, tell me about their day, what they are going through, etc. I adore going to do things and exploring together. I don't mind some kissing or cuddling. I just....hate the sex part.

I feel like any dating site or otherwise, just everyone is all about sex. Even if they want a long term monogamous relationship, they want a lot of sex and I just cannot.

Where can I meet like minded folks?

Hey everyone,

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently and could use some outside perspectives. For the longest time, I thought I saw sex as something "important"—like, not something to be done with just anyone random. I figured that meant I had a "high value" for sex, but looking back, I’ve noticed that I’ve always felt discomforted, grossed out, or just indifferent whenever sex comes up in media or conversations.

I’m currently in a relationship with my girlfriend, and we do have sex. I’d say I have a pretty strong libido, but over time I’ve realized that sexual attraction and sexual arousal are not the same thing. I don’t feel like I “need” to have sex; for me, it’s more about showing my girlfriend that I love her.

I enjoy it, and I think it helps with bonding and emotional intimacy, but I’ve never looked at someone—even if they’re incredibly attractive—and thought, "I want to have sex with them." I can recognize if someone is hot or beautiful, but it never goes beyond that.

My girlfriend even admitted she was worried I’d feel like I was “missing out” since I didn’t have much sexual experience before we got together, but honestly, I’ve never felt like I’m missing anything. Like, what am I supposed to be missing out on?

This might be TMI, but I do things like smacking her butt or engaging in kinkier stuff (e.g., face sitting) because I think it’s hot in theory or fantasy. But when it actually happens, I find it more fun or interesting than arousing.

Another thing I’ve noticed: whenever we do have sex, my focus often shifts from arousal to questions like, “Am I doing this right? Is she feeling good? Is she close?” And honestly, once she finishes, I usually lose my own arousal and feel satisfied just knowing she’s done. I’ve actually started to lose arousal a lot during sex unless my libido is sky-high beforehand.

I’m starting to wonder if I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I think back to how societal pressure has always influenced how I process attraction. For example, when I see someone I find emotionally or romantically attractive, I feel this weird "pressure" in my brain to imagine them in a sexual way. Not like, “I want to have sex with them,” but more like, “What would sex with them be like?” It’s not arousing, and I don’t feel any desire to act on it—it just happens.

It feels more like a habit, or societal conditioning, rather than something I actually want. It even happens with people of any gender about 50% of the time. The kicker is that it’s not even enjoyable—it makes me uncomfortable, grossed out, or just really tired imagining it.

What’s weird is that as soon as I recognize the person as an actual individual (e.g., they talk to me, show a piece of their personality, or interact in a meaningful way), those thoughts and images disappear completely. There was never a desire there to begin with, which makes me think this is influenced by something other than genuine sexual attraction.

I masturbate too, and I wonder if that plays a role here—like maybe my brain has just normalized certain patterns, even though they don’t feel like me. Masturbation scratches the itch of horniness just as well as sex does for me, honestly.

At this point, I feel like I might fall on the asexual spectrum, but I’m still confused. Is this sexual attraction, curiosity, or something else entirely?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated. TIA!

Anyone experience hyper sexuality involving merging with the other person but not feeling sexual most of the time and not wanting to receive while performing sexual activity but then once in a relationship with someone i actually do have real feelings for (albeit a lot less than a non ace person would) suddenly realize that I am not willing to be hyper sexual anymore, that I’m on the ace spectrum, and that I don’t want to pretend anymore in the safe relationship that I am hyper sexual but i am having a hard time understanding and explaining the previous hyper sexuality to my partner who is obviously missing my previous hyper sexuality but is also genuinely curious and wants to support and understand who I actually am

I wasn't like this before. had sexual trauma early in my sexual life, then got hypersexual at times. But, I'm processing trauma now. I desired sex probably too much in the past, then leveled out, and now have little to no desire for it since doing edmr trauma work (not even realted to my sexual abuse). What is the term for people like me? Is there a group on reddit for people in similar situations like I am in? Someone suggested asexual for me but it does not feel right if at one point I wanted sex? The hyper sexual was a reaction to the aubse. I don't know where I fit here...

I have identified as gray-ace before, but stopped using that label when I began to think that I might be allosexual. But now I realize that I fit the definition of gray-ace and that I might be gray-ace. I don't know. I experience sexual attraction and have experienced it before, which made me stop using the label gray-ace when I thought I was allo, but it is very low intensity and sometimes too infrequent to even consider it important. So while I do experience sexual attraction, it is not really that frequent or intense to even consider it important. I don't want to be on the asexual spectrum. I feel like I would be missing out on something and that I would be broken. I have a lot of internalized acephobia, and that doesn't help me at all in my journey of self-discovery.

I've gotten into a relationship, and for lack of a better word my partner is quite horny. I fall under the type of asexual that's fine with having sex- but it varies. (My official label is aceflux btw)

Today I had them over for Thanksgiving, and I already knew that I wasn't feeling particularly up to anything...of course though, I knew that could change so I just left it up to the moment. To no surprise on my end, of course things got a little touchy. But I just felt so much anxiety and I felt so awkward that I had to turn them down today. They listened, no surprise. They actually apologized for making me uncomfortable. (I wasn't, I just have killer anxiety, also im out to them about me being ace)

It's been about an hour and a half since they left and I can help but feel so fucking guilty for turning them down again...I could see how needy they were and I just...couldn't help. I already told them about a possible way that I could get more comfortable (that I won't go into context now cuz that's off topic) but I still feel so fucking guilty.

I don't usually think this, but I wish I wasn't Ace. I wish I could just do these things with no issue.

TLDR: I have a very very sweet partner that I'm out to as Ace(flux), they understand and accept me, but is also very sexually needy. I am still down to fuck, but every time they've tried to initiate I have to turn them down because of pure anxiety. I'm now feeling guilty about turning them down over and over, and I wish I wasn't ace.

I previously posted about going to the public pool. More can be read here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/s/wIIfBOgOXq

For context, I am a millenial. I am also male, married, and have sex with my wife, and would be "sex favorable" since I do like sex...whenever it happens. I just don't seem to crave it or think about it when it isn't happening/expected. So, I "identify" as heterosexual for simplicity's sake.

I was recently reading a thread that asked something to the effect of "what movie or TV character sparked your sexual awakening". I believe this was on r/90s, so there were various mentions of characters like Rogue from X-Men, various Disney princesses, etc. Some replies mentioned how it truly was an "awakening" and how in some ways their own preferences in the type of person they dated/married were partially influenced (hair color, etc).

As I read the replies, it hit me (it was an epiphany of sorts).

I could not relate at all.

Yes, I used to watch X-Men. I have watched Disney movies. I have watched clips from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (never quite saw the whole movie for some reason). I used to read Marvel Comics. I know how the female characters look. Yes, Rogue and Jessica Rabbit are curvaceous (or voluptuous, I guess), but it was almost obvious to me.

I say almost;because, it is hard to describe. I saw how the characters looked, but it didn't elucidate any reaction in me at all. I guess I can notice its there, but it is just one of many different things that make up a character (like hair color, voice, etc).

I also feel that even if people are asexual, it doesn't mean that certain types of clothing or skin exposure do not bother them. For example, I would feel uncomfortable if a person wore a dress that was very revealing or very tight in public.

I (20F) always thought I was asexual because I’ve never felt any sexual attraction to men, and I’ve never really had a desire to be physically close to them in that way. Recently, though, I kissed a girl, and I’ve started to wonder if maybe I’m open to the idea of being sexually involved with her. It’s not a strong urge—I’d honestly be fine without it—but I’m not completely opposed to the idea either. Could this mean I might not be asexual after all?

I’ve been thinking abt being on the Ace spectrum but it’s a bit confusing. Could someone be grey asexual and demisexual at the same time? Like I already experience very little sexual attraction and am very sex repulsed (it’s a trigger for me and I already have low libido thanks to ✨Prozac✨) but I think if I were to, it’d have to be with someone I already have a connection with (I’m demiromantic and I cannot fathom how ppl are able to sleep with anyone. But also, I am very unattractive and have a gross body so I guess that has a part in this as well) I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has any input. I obv can’t talk to anyone irl about this and it’s already a touchy (haha) subject so idk.