I've seen multiple people (mostly aces) who use the ace of spades (necklaces, rings, tattoos etc) as a symbol for their asexuality. Why is that? And is it known in this community?

I get why the ace is a symbol, but why the spades instead of something like a heart?

Where does the letter 'c' come from? Would it be considered incorrect if I spell it like 'ase'?

TL;DR: Childhood trauma and misgoogle leds me to figuring out humiliation only gets me going but nothing else. If I date again, do i not engage in the one kink or do i try a scratch your back you scratch mine and force myself or just date with no actions?

This might be stupid but I've suffered with non-attraction since I was little. I was 12 when i innocently googled a silly truth or dare just to it leading to this video of women humiliatingly making this guy smell their feet.

That and some mistreatment from mother and getting bullied must've played some role in my psyche.

I lived my whole life thinking sex would be interesting but 4 years ago when I had my first partner nothing would get me going... except when she pulled out of her work boots.. i'll spare you the details.

It only hit me after being with her a year later it was the humiliation and not the feet itself cause i don't randomly idolize feet. Just the association with humiliation.

I've tried everything sexual, i don't get excited at anything. I can't relate to people saying some celebrity is hot or they want to fuck. Sex scenes don't do anything for me. It's beginning to seem like if I ever date again that I have 3 choices.

1. Date with no physical actions at all.
2. Pray to God to find someone who particularly only has the same fetish
3. Do a "you scratch my back" i scratch yours and power through what i do not find arousing to receive it back?

Anyone relate? What did you do in this situation?

Hi there! I’m not sure about other places, but my family doctor can perform pap smears, breast exams, etc. If I (28F) am not, have never been, and are not ever planning to be sexually active, is there any reason to see a gynaecologist beyond a routine pap smear if nothing of concern comes up? It felt like my doctor was brushing me off when I asked, and Google is not helpful here…

Hey, so I am not asexual but my husband’s best friend is.

They’re a wonderful person and a considerate roommate, but I’ve been struggling. They need consistent reassurance from my husband (their best friend) that they’re still best friends and needing hugs or just general touchiness. I understand they are asexual and have been for years (I do not know their full labels, I’ve never spoken to them about their sexuality) but it’s hard to not feel that flare of jealousy when they hug him, play with his hair, hold his hand. He’s called them cute things when he and I were barely dating that I had to say wasn’t okay. I’ve set some boundaries with my husband on what is acceptable, and he has been phenomenal in keeping that boundary. I feel part of my jealousy is because they used to date before he and I got together, so I always have that in the back of my mind when they ask for hugs from him or joke around or even make a sexual joke to him. I don’t get a lot of alone time with him bc they want to hang and I don’t want to make them feel unwanted. I didn’t bring this up to them directly because, well, I can be very harsh and I don’t want them to feel worse or cause tension in the house. To me it feels like they treat my husband as a partner with all the reassurances and affections, not a best friend.

How do you personally view physical affection? Everyone has a different idea of it and I’d love to hear it. It might help me understand them a bit better. I know they aren’t doing it out of nefarious intent, I just want to understand asexuality. I’ve even read the handbook. Also so sorry for the long post. And yes I will discuss this with them soon, I just want to make sure I’m more educated and collected before I do so.

Content warning: grooming, sexual assault Hi, F 30, autism spectrum disorder, depression, social anxiety, trauma. I have a history of grooming and sexual assault from when I was 13-15 years old. This was by several adult men. I was an easy target because of my autism and shyness. Later in live I had an emotionally abusive relationship where (according to my therapist) I was raped again. Looking at my live right now I feel like I have never experienced sexual or romantic attraction. My therapist says that's normal with my past. However I have some sort of attraction (not sexual or romantic) for older, broad built males that have a position of power (like a teacher or doctor). It's like I always want their attention and be a good student/patient etc. I'm also always nervous when meeting them. My question is, do any of you experience the same? And what is this "attraction"? Thanks

I’m not ace-spike myself nor am I questioning if I might be but I’m sill curious about what it’s like.

This is the definition of ace-spike from the lgbtqia wiki:

Acespike is an orientation on the asexual spectrum. It is defined as someone who usually feels no sexual attraction, but occasionally has rare, sudden, and intense spikes of sexual attraction for a short amount of time, before returning, just as suddenly, to one's normal amounts of asexuality.

What I’m wondering is exactly what is meant by “rare” and “short amount of time”. I understand that it can vary from person to person but still, is it like for a few days every month, a few weeks every year or a few hours every week? Or a few hours every year?

I’m also wondering if this sudden attraction is only directed towards one person, like I think I often hear grey-aces describing? Like they go most their lives without sexual attraction but then a few times in their life they will meet a person they are attracted to? Or is it more that ace-spikes usually doesn’t experience sexual attraction but will have short periods of time where they experience sexual attraction like an allo, which I assume would be having sexual attraction to most people of their preferred gender that they find aesthetically attractive or is “their type”, not just one?

You don’t have to be ace-spike yourself to answer, although that would obviously be great, I just want to know how other people are interpreting this label.

My partner is asexual and Im trying to find a way to talk about it with him without making it uncomfortable for him so we can set boundaries and ground rules.

My question feels a little hard to explain so bear with me. For context I’m aroallo and questioning my sexual orientation.

So, from what I’ve heard and read from the ace community, there’s different “types” of ace people, such as sex repulsed and sex favorable (sorry in advance if I am not using correct terminology). The way I understand it, sex favorable aces don’t desire sex but they will have it, maybe most commonly for connection with a romantic partner.

My question is, does this kind of mindset or philosophy apply to your romantic orientation?

I ask because I’ve been feeling very confused about labels (pleasee don’t tell me I can be lableless, I know but I’m just trying to work through my feelings for myself). Namely. I loosely ID as a lesbian. I am solely sexually attracted to women/nbs. BUT. I have had sex with men. And I guess i generally don’t feel man repulsed. I am not attracted to the men I sleep with but I am pretty hypersexual and sometimes a man is easier to find for hookups since I’m not looking for a long term relationship. Sometimes I get repulsed, usually to specific things like facial hair.

But generally I feel people who ID as lesbians, or ID as any sexuality besides bi or pan are repulsed by the gender they’re not attracted to, and sleeping with them is inconceivable. So it feels wrong to say I’m a lesbian, even though I am solely attracted to and desire women.

I have slept with men and I will probably sleep with men in the future. Not because I’m attracted to them but because I get horny and am not always repulsed. It’s enjoyable enough to be worth it, since I still am a human and react to stimuli (also I am not saying that some people aren’t human if they don’t react to stimuli or don’t have any libido, just that it is a human experience, not the human experience).

I am very sorry if I have offended any one and please call me in if I did, I am open to learning and just trying to figure out if people apply this philosophy to their romantic orientation, to see if I can better understand my own sexuality.

Thanks all, much love from this aroallo 🩷

To all my fellow aces don't forget starting the 20th of this month and ending on the 26th is asexual awareness week

My partner and I have been together for about a year and a half. I am close to asexual although I definitely enjoy having sex with my parnter, it's just more like really intimate cuddling for me and orgasming doesn't really matter for me. My partner is more on the "normal" side of the spectrum (I don't know terminology.) We both enjoy the sex have we have a lot, however, my partner has expressed they need to explore their sexuality more regarding specific things they like, kinks, etc.. I am so down for exploring, I love making them feel good and knowing they are really into what we're doing makes me feel sexy. It's just hard for me to know how to do that, my sexual needs are basically non-existent and while I thoroughly enjoy sex with my partner it's hard for me to guage what other people might find exciting or would think feels especially good. My partner finds it hard to express what they want to try, partly because of not knowing and partly because of trauma. Can you recommend a YouTuber, podcast, or whatever that might help give us ideas or have advice on continuing to explore sex in a committed relationship? We are seeing a couples therapist as well just for context.

So, this is a little out of pocket, but I am an aspiring author working on the manuscript for my debut fiction novel. The MC for the novel is non-binary and while I am not Ace myself, I am looking to write the character to be Ace or at least to make them Ace coded.

The last thing I want to do is write something that comes across as insensitive or offensive as a result of ignorance or lack of understanding. Seeing as I am not Ace myself, and don't have any Ace friends that I could ask for help, I was wondering if anyone would be willing to help me understand more about the identity? I figured the best way to approach this would be to ask the members of the community directly rather than sifting through misinformation and biased views online.

At this point I'm looking for some general information about what your identities mean to you? Some tips on how I could present this aspect of my character in the written form? And possibly on the main things/tropes that I can avoid to refrain from offending anyone.

If anyone would rather message me directly then feel free to. I'm open to any and all input. Even in the event that the opinion is that I have no place writing an Ace character, then please voice that opinion too.

Please excuse me if some of my etiquette is incorrect. I am fairly new to Reddit and still learning how everything works.

i saw this question on the r/no subreddit and i wanted to know how y’all feel about it.

Hi! im personally not ace, but finished up a show where a character throughout the show has never been in; or hinted at wanting a relationship of any sort, and when asking around people who read the books claims she's asexual and aromantic but near the end of the season she experiences a spark when seeing a guy, and im curious can aromantic people still catch feelings?

Hi folks, I am unsure if this should be in advice or in question, but the TLDR is: My partner says that they're ace now after 3 years of us being together and us being intimate for a little over two of those years.

So yes my partner has told me that for the last 8 or so months that they're still attracted to me and still love me, but that they have zero sexual desire to be intimate with me. This came as a surprise to me because we have spent the last 2+ years being intimate with each other, and I even supported them through transitioning and still love them more than anything and am still deeply attracted to them. So I'm wondering at this point if they're just not attracted me to at all or if they really have been ace this whole time and just did what they through of as necessary for an early relationship. They have also confirmed that they are in fact asexual to me so I'm just looking for help to see if I caused this or to see of there is anything I can do to respark things.

EDIT: Added TLDR TLDR: I was ace, but now I don’t know where I belong

So I considered myself asexual for over 10 years, I had a queer platonic partner, and I had just started hrt to be more masculine presenting. Just before I turned 25, I admitted that I was beginning to be interested in sex to my partner. They were accepting of this, and I lost my virginity to them. Since then, I’ve also experimented (with their permission, they’re also poly) with swinging. I’m pretty confident that I’m polysexual, but I still feel disconnected to most of the swinging community because I’m not a person who can just jump into bed with people right away, I need discussion, and feelings. The biggest thing I need is for people to be blunt and say they’re sexually attracted to me (I blame the autism), and even then it’s not a guarantee. Asexuality was such a supportive community to me when I needed it, so I’m turning to you again. If you don’t think I’m ace, I respect your opinion, I honestly just don’t know where to start again.

For the last 5 months I am seeing someone and she identifies as fluctuating asexual. For her meaning that the first few weeks of seeing someone she has sexual attraction, and after that not anymore.

We get along very well, and I am very much in love. Sometimes it is hard when I have a desire for sex, but nows she has a date with another girl. We agreed on seeing other people, so that should be fine. However, the thought of her having sex with someone else and she does not desire to have sex with me is killing me. What can I do about this situation or my feelings?

I hope you can help me

I know that asexuals usually don't experience sexual attraction toward others, but is it possible for their own sexual desire to fluctuate when they fall in love with others?

There is an asexual character in the novel that I’m writing, so I want to ensure that the portrayal is accurate. Thanks for your help!

40-something guy here, I'm having regular sex every now and then, but it took me much longer than most to get into it (first girlfriend in my early thirties). All these years, I might have been a closeted "tickler" - that's what knismolagnia is about, for those who didn't know. And now, I do wonder whether I even like sex. But I'll get back to the start.

I've always been a bit of an outcast, social interactions weren't my forte, but it wasn't that bad. But then, I didn't find odd (only frustrating and infuriating, at times) that I never date. I remember when, in high-school, every other little boy had nothing but sex and porn on their mind. Wasn't my thing at all back then, I did have a couple occasionnal crushes on girls (that were out of my reach, objectively, and never ever heard the sound of my voice anyway, nor knew I existed), but whenever boy-talks came to sex - with all the experience we collectively lacked - it usually annoyed me.

When I first saw porn - don't even remember where, how or what - it just grossed me out. I did saw a couples more pornographic scenes later, in college, usually when a guy at that party decides to show something to everybody, and you can't just walk out saying you're not interested. But I definitely wasn't interested, far from it.

Still, I did find "my kind of porn" when, in my earlier years of college, I searched "tickling" into an ancient version of the Google frontpage. I don't know what I was looking for exactly, but the thought of people getting tickled (esp. against their will) always somehow aroused me. I've found several interesting things :

• a handful of tickling-related media (mostly textual fictions and photographs, at that time, online video wasn't a thing back then)
• proof that I wasn't alone getting arousal from it

And from there, over the years, I've grown some sort of addiction to what I called "tickling porn" (if you don't know, don't look up). And I thought I was normal at least. But still, I only watched clips when they featured no nudity (nothing more revealing than what you'd wear at a gym). Topless made me slightly uneasy, and showing any kind of genitalia really grossed me out.

Fast forward a few more years : I'm now a grown-up, I've had (vanilla) sex on a regular basis, and my appetite for tickling content has somewhat waned. Sex isn't as great as I expected it to be, but with a partner I love it's still enjoyable. Occasionally, I did stumble onto "tickling porn", found it much more enjoyable, but kept it under the lid.

Fast forward again to these last years, COVID and all. I've started to be more open (online at first) about my interest in tickling as an "adult game". Then a couple conversations came up about porn, with distinct groups of friends, and they massively concluded that what I call "tickling porn" isn't porn. There isn't any nudity, no sexual intercourse, and I don't use it to masturbate (sorry for details).

I would never have thought myself of being even slightly ACE. For that matter, I've always seen myself as some kind of fetish porn junkie. But here I am : any kind of sex involving genitals just isn't my thing, and is only possible with someone I have a strong attachment to. If I were to become single, I probably wouldn't try to get back in a relationship, just because of how awkward and gross the "first times" would be.

What do you guys think? am I one of yours? or just some very weird kinkster?

I'm (18M) gonna try to keep this short n sweet. Nothing I say in the big text is much more important than the tldr so skip it if you want. Basically I've had my first real partner and I've not really enjoyed sex, i am fairly indifferent and the more sexual it gets the more that indifference turns to a soft awkwardness and maybe even uncomfiness, specially after it ends. Thing is that the sort of teasing that comes before that very sex, sort of like, intimate sexual touching, and seeing my partner be thirsting over me, is something that I do very much enjoy even if I also feel uncomfortable on rare occasions after it. I also enjoy texting and fantasizing about sex despite not enjoying it when I do I besides physical pleasure. And I don't know if this means I'm ace or what

TL;DR: I don't like sex, nor touching others, but I like being touched sexually, sexting, and being admired sexually. Am I asexual?

Hi, I'm 20 years old and I'm feel like a goofy asking this, but here we go, I guess I felt sexual atracction before but just like 2 o 3 times for all my life, I guess nobody counts that.

And I felt with someone who I really don't know, someone i barely knew, And I say it with pitty but also for a for friend of internet who I don't know in real life, something funny is than that atracction doesn't stay for a long time, and I don't want that happens, is like the thought is great but the reality sounds gross.

I don't think I'm alosexual with celibacy because they atracction stay there my just go, and it is like just one time.

Also, if it something to see with the case than I'm abro?

I knew dating as an asexual would be hard. But I didn’t think it would be this rough. Every time I’m interested in someone they either ghost me or say they’re not interested or ready for a relationship. I even had one girl I was taking to for months tell me she not in the right place for a relationship and then the next day she got back with her ex. So is this a me problem is there something wrong with me and that’s why this keeps happening. The soonest time was today. Literally they texted me a couple hours after the date and told me they don’t want a relationship and they weren’t in a place for it. Am I just doomed to be alone forever? I’m really getting tired of trying and it just hurts more each time.

17, Female. I don’t get the tingling down there when I watch porn or I see an attractive male. I watch porn to just watch it. I hate the idea of sex, I don’t understand it. (I’m a virgin) I never touch my self in a sexual way, the most I do is I rub it but that’s like 2 times a year. When I rub it I don’t feel anything and I never masturbate before. I been feeling like this since I was 14.

For a while now, I've been confused about whether I could be asexual or not. For context, when I (20F) was 13, 14, 15 years old, I was a very sexual teenager with whatever boyfriend I had at different times. When was 18-19 years old, I was in a FWB situation where I was very in love with the guy and he didn't love me back, but we were best friends and he was okay with a FWB situation as long as I knew he didn't have feelings for me. I think this situation made me hypersexual because I felt I had to use my body to keep this guy around or else I'd lose him to another girl (I did eventually). Keep in mind, I was very attracted to him and interested in being sexual with him, but with a romantic aspect. I think this FWB situation destroyed my feelings around sex. Now, I'm in a healthy relationship with a guy who loves me, and I love him. But with this new guy, I don't feel the urge to be sexual a lot and there's even times where I'm disgusted by the idea of sex, or I feel ashamed/depressed after having sex with him (which is nothing to do with him, he doesn't pressure me ever, he's amazing <3). I have the urge to just stop him in the middle of what we're doing because I don't have an interest in it at the time or I'm bored, or something like that. It makes me wonder if I'm on the spectrum of asexual, but I don't know a lot about it. Does anyone feel similarly or understand my situation?

EDIT: I also just remembered that I have felt kinda like this in the past, with past boyfriends (excluding my FWB situation), where I'd think "If I can get through this, then I can go back to what I was doing before" or "I just want this to be over with." Just thought I'd add that.

To participate you must be at least 18 years old and identify as a sexual minority.

The purpose of this research study is to examine factors that predict willingness to share personal information with others and experiences with stressful events related to sexual orientation. If you consent to participate in this study, you will be asked to provide a self-introduction, and answer a series of questions, including demographic questions, questions related to willingness to disclose information and questions related to stressful experiences.

The entire survey is estimated to take 30 minutes to complete and participation in this survey is completely voluntary. You will not receive compensation for participating in this study.

To begin, please click the URL link below.

Thank you!

Link to study

Principal Investigator: Jared Edge (jarededge@oakland.edu), Doctoral Candidate at Oakland University

Faculty Advisor: Jennifer Vonk (vonk@oakland.edu), Professor at Oakland University

Was having a convo with a friend and we were talking about dating and it just appeared in my mind. Like, sub, dom, and switch are all immediately assumed to mean sex, but for all us asexuals (who aren't aroace), how do we express that we are romantically one of them??? Like is it cuddlee, cuddler, and cuddlere??? I will not rest easy until I crack the code to this mystery of the universe.

I will take any answers 🙏

(I don't really count this as a stupid question since this info could come in handy if I ever want to express to a partner that I'm a romantic sub and not have them get confused, thinking I mean a sexual sub lol, but it might be)

He said: “I don’t feel fully demisexual, but I wouldn’t be like: ‘Hey random person, fuck me please’ and I feel I don’t need a like, STRONG emotional bond, but I still feel like I need to form at least a decent bond first.”

Warning i will be talking about masturbation, And im not sure if this is ok to post here,if not im sorry

Here is the post i made few days ago ,https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAsexual/s/TcRKUXHSYA

So i did it a few times again but when i came i noticed that the feeling got less everytime,which kinda helps me to stoping this but i also wonder if that is normal or so

And i hope i didnt confuse anyone,if i did im sorry