In this game I play there is a type of genetically altered human called a Highmate, which are basically made to be concubines/ sex workers. They're quite beautiful and can also psychically bond with other people. Anyways, someone posted what to do with them when this Highmate was also asexual. One of the comments I saw said that maybe that Highmate became sex-repulsed, with the implication that they had done too much sex work/ etc. that they did not like it.

I immediately thought 'isn't that a harmful stereotype about asexuals -- that they don't like sex and/ or are sex repulsed due to past traumatic experiences with sex?' But then I was like, well if you were already asexual, could you become sex-repulsed -- through trauma or just through having sex you thought you were comfortable with, but over time grew more and more disgusted by?

Also, if you weren't originally asexual, but again through trauma became sex-repulsed and just didn't find anyone attractive anymore, could you call yourself asexual, since you would technically fit the criteria of asexuality? Lack of sexual attraction to anyone? Like does this fall under the 'sexuality is fluid' and/ or 'sexuality is medical', in that due to unresolved trauma and lack of attraction to others bc of this trauma, you don't find people attractive anymore.

Just curious about this haha!

hello hello! first time posting here.

please enlighten me regarding this topic, i don’t know what to identify as and i feel like this is such a big thing for me to know myself better.

i (19F) have a partner (20M). personally, i am not a fan of doing “it”. it somehow grosses me out (sorry). the thing is, i let them do it with me, i just cant see myself initiating the thing. i feel very guilty for the fact that i always have to make excuses just so i don’t have to do it. i’ve read the pinned post here in the group and i relate to most of them, it helped me as well.

what’s confusing to me is that, i was thinking what if i just lack the sex drive? what if i was just not in the mood for that? is it possible to get turned on sometimes while doing the thing?

thank u very much if ever <3

I've always kind of wondered but never had the chance to look into it much. So, I feel like I don't really experience physical sexual attraction, like when I see a persons genitals it's no different from seeing their arm or leg to me. But the part that makes me question if I count as ace is that I do fantasize about sex but not with real people? Idk how to phrase it, like if I have a crush on someone I don't think about sex with them, but when I'm bored or lonely I think about sex with some random faceless guy. I also don't think I'll ever be comfortable having sex, like in general i just get an icky feeling from thinking about it ACTUALLY happening with a real person. It's kinda confusing cause I always hear people going back and forth about the definition of ace. So I dunno, lmk what you think!

Many of the answers from non-ace people would be sex so what is it for you?👀

I like masturbating sometimes but I feel super uncomfortable when sexual topics are mentioned outside of that

Edit idk if I'm ace or not yet it's very confusing

Edit2:I hate sexual themes unless I'm masturbating and also the idea of sex doesn't repulse me all the time as It would feel good and having biological children would be nice later on Sometimes it does make me feel gross idk it's confusing

Edit2:I figured it out I'm greysexual omg it's so nice this isn't bothering me anymore

I'm mostly just curious. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about this and I'm a bit confused about myself right now. Idk, I want to know what yall's stories are.

sorry about grammar ad spelling i’m dislexic

back ground i’m from a conservative cristian family and i’ve only dated boys in the past.

i’ve considered myself ace for a long time but every time i get a bf/gf/partner i start questioning everything again and i resantly got a long distance partner who is hypersexual who is very open about talking about all things sex related and personal i am not. i’ve never felt the need or want to have sex or pleasure myself and i was wunder if it’s jus a me thing or if others feel the same. i’m a very dirty minded person and i used to read smut religiously and it did make me feel a little but i always felt like it was wrong and i was dirty or something and i never wanted to do thous thing or experience them for myself. now that i’m dating this person it’s confusing again and i just wanna know if anyone has similar experiences or anything

I think I might be ace but my fiance said he'd leave me if we wernt having sex

So I (21F) and my partner (21M) have been together for a while now but haven't had sex for a few months now and that's on my part. I've always struggled when it comes to sex, I've had a lot of trauma surrounding it but even besides that I've always lacked sexual attraction, porn dosent interest me, masturbation makes me uncomfortable and I truly don't think I've ever been able to finish with a partner. Looking back on it, it feels like I just went along with it because it was easier and I feared saying no but I don't believe I've ever enjoyed it. I don't feel sexual attraction, I look at my partner and I think he's the most attractive man I've ever seen but I don't feel a desire to have sex with him and it has always been that way. Sex to him is the highest form of intimacy and I do understand why he feels that way but to me I don't see it, I show my love for him in other ways but sex just dosent cross my mind. A lot of times when having it I felt uncomfortable and mostly just wished for it to stop but also extremely confused because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I couldn't ever tell him this I'm sure he'd see it as me lying to him when we've been intimate in the past but truly I think I'm just lying to myself because I'm both worried somethings wrong with me and worried he will leave.

my mother had a lot of health problems relating to her hormones and every part of me prays it's just something medical and I'm trying to figure out what that could be but with every appointment I worry more and more that I am ace. I think what I'm hoping for posting here is for somebody to tell me their experience with being ace, what it feels like, how they found out etc. thankyou.

(forgot to add) my partner has been incredibly supportive thus far and hasn't pushed me to do anything and has been as supportive as he can but him and I both know and have talked about this not working in the long run if it carries on how it is, I truly do understand and want the best for him but it still breaks my he

to be honest, i dont think about sexuality a whole lot. i dont care about it, i just like existing without thinkin bout it. i was js curious tho, since i feel and act different than other people traditionally do.

ill start by saying ive never look at someone and understood how people could feel 'sexual attraction'. i dont even know what people mean when they say they feel it, it js dont make much sense to me. sure, when i see a cute girl i think oh, shes cute, but dont think about dating her. ive only liked one person in my life too, and that was a friend back in freshman year of highschool. even then, it wasnt an attractiion. just butterflies and warm feelins. i just thought they were pretty, and wanted to be around them. sure, kissing sounds nice, but doin smth beyond tht? idk if id be able to, honestly. i dont think abt dating beyond tht, and i kinda js crave a deep connection with someone.

i have (sorta) some libido. i do listen audios iykwim but i cant do actually watching smth like tht, and its only ever the sounds of .. just their voice in like a pleasant state. thinking about masturbation gets me off, not the act of sex or visuals or stuff. nothin of that sort can do anythin for me. honestly, i could go living without ever masturbating if i had to. i js get bored sometimes.

what do yall think? kinda js wantin to know if tht stuff is normal and im js being silly, or if its me actually js bein asexual.

TLDR: My gf thinks the idea of her having sex is gross but wants to be able to please me sexually and is emotionally distrought that she doesnt how do i go about introducing her to new ways to satisfy me withought jumping straight into cucking her since she is willing to let me but i dont wanna jump to cheating off the start any other ideas????

So to give context me and my gf both 21 years old she is f and has been ace fprever and hasnt had the best dating life so far emotionally or physically and now that shes in a good relationship with me going on two years and us not having sex despite me making advances and trying to before it just not working out. I never thought much of it cause of some cercumstances surrounding her physically but i recently found out that this makes her very stressed and emotional on not being able to please me sexually as to her the idea of herself being involved in sexual action is gross but she loves porn media and claims to be aegosexual which i believe and she hates that she cant perform for me physically. I even jokingly mentioned things like cuckolding and voyerism and she was willing to let me sleep around however i dont wanna solve this problem in her eyes by straight up cheating even if she doesnt see it as such what steps would you do to help solve this situation as fellow aces??

Hello, I'm (34f) have always been pretty sex repulsed. I can't look at it on TV (sometimes even like heavy making out is too much). I can't read about (romance books and most YA are out). I cant listen to people talk about. Definitely no porn. I don't look at people and have sexual thoughts about them, if for some reason my mind starts thinking like that I get disturbed.

I always thought sex was something I would have to do and get it over with. So I did and I hated it. Then I was in different relationships with people and it seemed like just something to put up with.

But now I'm married to Non binary (AMAB), and we waited 6 years to have sex, but now I seem to be enjoying it with them. Like I still can't watch porn or sex scenes on TV or read about it. But sometimes I think about us and it doesn't disturb me. I find it actually can be enjoyable.

I never really put a label in my sexuality because I tried to tell my sisters I thought i was asexual and they just said only guys think about other people sexually so I am just normal. But I don't think they really understood the depths at I which I avoided it.

I started looking more in depth at all this sexuality stuff since my spouse came out as NB. And I know I'm sex repulsed but maybe also demisexual since I seem to be enjoying my partner. Is that even possible to be both?

Thank you!

Could anyone who is asexual and feels a libido use the term? and also, does a person have to be someone who fantasizes about sex to be aegosexual?

I remember the first time I read what demisexual was. I don’t remember how old I was, but I knew it was the first time I felt like I understood my sexuality. Until I didn’t.

7 years ago I had my first romantic relationship. I’m neurodivergent so I have always been particular about people touching me, not to mention pain from physical traumas. I naively assumed that I wouldn’t have this issues when I dated someone, but of course that was not the case.

Ultimately, while I may have enjoyed some of the earlier middle school type intimacies such as hand holding or kissing, the relationship required more intimacy as time went on until we had to end it because I couldn’t keep up.

I know I’m not aromantic. And I don’t think I’m totally against intimacy, but very specific amounts and I’m nowhere near being ready for more adult type of intimacies.

I read romance novels. I wish I had never read them. But I think they contributed to society’s shaming of women for being sexual.

I just am so confused. Do I dislike intimacy or am I just not sexually mature yet or was I just not attracted to my partner?

I don’t expect anywhere to know the answers to my questions, I know only I can answer them with time and being brave enough to date again someday.

But the question I am asking to this community is how did you know where you were on the ace spectrum? For those who have ever lived in a female presenting body or dealt with shame about sexual feelings from anyone, how did you figure out if your opposition to sexual acts was because of religious trauma or because of an innate dislike?

I’m not ready to date again, but I hope someday when I am I do it understanding what I’m even looking for in a partner because I have such guilt that I couldn’t be what this partner needed.

Hello sweet people,

I am going through a very difficult situation. I'm a bi-curious male who is in a sexless marriage and it is running me from within. My wife shows no interest of sex at all, heck she doesn't even like toching, kissing or cuddling. She pushes my hand away every time I touch her breasts. It's as if she's had some unknown trauma in her life. She gets a teeny weeny spark when we go a few months without sex. It has been so difficult for the best part of my married life. Now I'm indifferent. I love her so much and wants her in my life. But I hate to rot like this from inside.

Is she an Ace? Would it be possible for us to have a healthy sexual relationship ever? I would hate to lose her. But the thought crosses my mind almost every day.

https://www.survio.com/survey/q/V9V2Q7Z7K9A7K7P6R

I've recently been having something like a sexuality crisis (not really that bad but idk what else to call it) and I'm wondering if I'm not allosexual. I've think the idea of sex is neat, but I just don't really want to be perceived sexually, if that makes any sense. I did some research, and I found that what I feel fits into gray sexuality, but I'm wondering if anyone here has any ideas, sources for more research would also be appreciated.

https://www.survio.com/survey/q/V9V2Q7Z7K9A7K7P6R

I don’t mean to be rude in anyway just trying to learn. Where does the line start and end with touching? Heave you ever dated someone not asexual and did it go well? What should I know going into this?

Hi, before anything I want to put a disclaimer that I’m really trying to understand and if I say things that are offensive I don’t mean it, but please tell me if I do. I (M17) and my bf (NB17) recently got in a relationship (2/3months), before that we were friends for 2years (really close for 1y). I knew he was asexual since the day I met him. I personally have traumas linked to sex, wich results often in hypersexuality when I’m triggered, he knows about it. When we got together this was one of our main concern because of our differences. I tried to learn about asexuality and kind of deconstruct my vision of couples because it was heavily linked to sex. I feel like I don’t formulate a lot of desire towards sexual activities and I do feel loved without now. However I still want to have sex sometimes as in an intimate act with my partner. We make out and he touches me and I love that, but sometimes I still have that urge to do more with him, but I don’t need it I just want it. I feel frustration but at the same time culpability, he must feel so bad that he can’t give me that. And it results in us being really upset at ourselves and he is so upset about me. I have a really hard time understanding asexuality and I think it’s about my traumas + we also have troubles that I don’t feel loved enough even tho I know he loves me. Before I jumped on sexual relationship to fill that gap (it did not work) and now that I deconstructed a bit + he doesn’t push me into that dynamic I don’t do that but still I think it does a lot on my frustration. I really want him to feel understood and comfortable but every time we talk I get so stressed bcp of my traumas and he just freeze and get angry because of his. I really love him, I don’t want him to feel unlovable because of this and I don’t want to loose him because of that. Can you give me advice, remarks or anything ? I really really try and I’m open to anything

Throwaway mail, I just need some advice and don't know where or who else to ask. I have a massive crush on an allo person who seems to be a little interested in me, though we haven't talked about anything yet. I'm panromantic and ace in an averse-repulsed kinda way but am okay with hugs or cuddles. Never had sex, never was in a romantic relationship. I would really like to date that person and am thinking about asking them, but I'm afraid if I tell them I'm ace, I will lose them, or never even get the chance to date them, and hurt them or both of us, I don't know what to do. It just makes me so sad and kinda angry that people who vibe in every way except the sex thing mostly don't seem to work out. Any advice on how to handle the situation? Should I ask them out and tell them I'm ace now or wait? Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

I am so confused

Hey guys,

I am currently really down and kind of depressed bcs I have so many conflicting feeling about myself, relationships and what I want for my life that just doesn't make sense.

First of all:

I'm not really sure if I'm really ace or just a selfish bitch.

I'll try to explain on that:

I never really enjoyed any sexual experience I ever had so far for many different reasons.

I do have sexual desire though (and also masturbate) and I think I would even enjoy having sex if I have a strong mental connection(trust) with my partner and really wants to sleep with me, takes the initiative/is very dominant. (I kind of need to give up a certain amount of control to be able to shut my mind off.)

But on the other hand I have a strong aversion agains taking the initiative myself or taking on a more active/dominant role. (And I also don't feel any sexual atraction to anybody I don't know/trust.)

I also feel really bad and "guilty" if my partner doesn't get what he wants/needs, so in my past I did many things I actually did not feel comfortable doing just to "fulfill my end of the bargain".

But I decided not to get into relationships anymore that might be unfulfilling for anyone and so I have been single for the last 7 years.

The problem is:

I'm turning 32 soon and I would love to get married and have kids, but I feel my time (as a woman) is running out soon.

My mind is also in a constant mode of anxiety about if it would even be possible for me to find someone who would match with me.

And how could I find someone like that?

It seems like my only option would be another relationship that "forces" me into a sexlife I would not only definitely not enjoy, but probably even feel miserable about.

But being anxous about stuff like that makes me think I don't even deserve a relationship in the first place if I'm just that selfish.

I heard about a term called "placiosexual" and thought for a moment:

"Those people are kind of my opposite. I need a partner like that."

But it seems like they are rarer thsn a unicorn and I personally never met slmeone like that.

Anyway.... what bothers me the most about all this is the fact that I don't really have people around me I could talk to about this.

I feel very lonely and would be happy about recommendations for a Discord server or anything else that might be helpful to connect eith people who understand my struggles at least a little bit.

Do my questions are basically:

Am I even ace (or just selfish)?

And where can I find people to talk about all this?

Hey everyone. So to be clear, I'm trans and have no idea what my sexuality is precisely but generally call myself gay. So I'm LGBTQ+ and have experience in communities that really have to be careful with definitions

May end up following this up with an "Am I Ace" question about the aforementioned uncertainty lol but this is more general, not about me, the backstory is just to make it clear I'm being genuine here

Basically I found the "asexuals wiki" and saw some terms like "traumasexual" and "dysphoriasexual"

This confuses and worries me a bit, because I feel like including these things as sexualities in of themselves will prevent traumatized/dysphoric allosexual people from getting help? Also, idk, I feel like saying "trauma can make you asexual" could potentially encourage a "conversion works and can actually change sexualities" mindset?

Obviously there can be overlap between someone being asexual and having these other experiences, but defining them as their own sexualities rubs me the wrong way. I'm wondering what the community's general take is on this and whether it's offensive/problematic to have these concerns

I'm a amateur writer who writes as a hobby and a recent out of the closet demisexual. I wanted to write about a father who found out his child is ace and goes to a friend who is a therapist for advice on how to show his child that he supports them. I want to describe an ace person respectively without making it sound like an ace person is someone who is dramatically repulsed by the idea of sex. I'm demisexual which is under the ace umbrella but my view on sex is different.

How do I perfectly and respectfully describe an ace person in my writing?

What's it like for people who are ace and going through male puberty? Currently going through 2nd puberty myself (ftm) the the hormones are having an Effect. Curious about what that is like for others with testosterone dominated endocrine systems. Figured I should ask a group rather than the one ace person I know who has done that who I don't know if they want those kinds of questions.

Hello, this is my first Reddit post! I’m scared to speak my feelings into reality but I thought I would try it out. I’m faced with two options: A: I put in years of therapy and self help books and journaling and eventually find my sexual nature that’s been dormant. B: I accept that I don’t fantasize or care much about sex or even masturbation. I accept that this is just who I am now.

My problem though, is I fear that option B is out of fear of healing. I’m scared to put in all of that work because I’m just so tired. I’m scared that accepting asexuality would be cutting around doing the work to heal from my traumas. I’m also afraid that what if I’m truly ace but am too afraid to accept that, so then I continue to tell myself that it’s possible to heal. How will I know if this is really me, or if I am just avoiding working through all of my pain and fear of intimacy and vulnerability and self love? I have a boyfriend that I love and I am so scared to learn my truth! Is it worth putting in all of the work anyways? I suppose it is… I just wish the answer was easier to find.

Maybe this is the wrong place to ask but I've been thinking about it a lot since I lost my virginity because there was nothing there (beside making my gf at the time happy but idk if that counts as like.. Sexual???)

I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve been experiencing but it’s been weird. I never had questions about attraction until my mid twenties. It feels as if I’ve very suddenly lost any semblance of attraction.

I've seen multiple people (mostly aces) who use the ace of spades (necklaces, rings, tattoos etc) as a symbol for their asexuality. Why is that? And is it known in this community?

I get why the ace is a symbol, but why the spades instead of something like a heart?

Where does the letter 'c' come from? Would it be considered incorrect if I spell it like 'ase'?