I don’t mean to be rude in anyway just trying to learn. Where does the line start and end with touching? Heave you ever dated someone not asexual and did it go well? What should I know going into this?

Hi, before anything I want to put a disclaimer that I’m really trying to understand and if I say things that are offensive I don’t mean it, but please tell me if I do. I (M17) and my bf (NB17) recently got in a relationship (2/3months), before that we were friends for 2years (really close for 1y). I knew he was asexual since the day I met him. I personally have traumas linked to sex, wich results often in hypersexuality when I’m triggered, he knows about it. When we got together this was one of our main concern because of our differences. I tried to learn about asexuality and kind of deconstruct my vision of couples because it was heavily linked to sex. I feel like I don’t formulate a lot of desire towards sexual activities and I do feel loved without now. However I still want to have sex sometimes as in an intimate act with my partner. We make out and he touches me and I love that, but sometimes I still have that urge to do more with him, but I don’t need it I just want it. I feel frustration but at the same time culpability, he must feel so bad that he can’t give me that. And it results in us being really upset at ourselves and he is so upset about me. I have a really hard time understanding asexuality and I think it’s about my traumas + we also have troubles that I don’t feel loved enough even tho I know he loves me. Before I jumped on sexual relationship to fill that gap (it did not work) and now that I deconstructed a bit + he doesn’t push me into that dynamic I don’t do that but still I think it does a lot on my frustration. I really want him to feel understood and comfortable but every time we talk I get so stressed bcp of my traumas and he just freeze and get angry because of his. I really love him, I don’t want him to feel unlovable because of this and I don’t want to loose him because of that. Can you give me advice, remarks or anything ? I really really try and I’m open to anything

Throwaway mail, I just need some advice and don't know where or who else to ask. I have a massive crush on an allo person who seems to be a little interested in me, though we haven't talked about anything yet. I'm panromantic and ace in an averse-repulsed kinda way but am okay with hugs or cuddles. Never had sex, never was in a romantic relationship. I would really like to date that person and am thinking about asking them, but I'm afraid if I tell them I'm ace, I will lose them, or never even get the chance to date them, and hurt them or both of us, I don't know what to do. It just makes me so sad and kinda angry that people who vibe in every way except the sex thing mostly don't seem to work out. Any advice on how to handle the situation? Should I ask them out and tell them I'm ace now or wait? Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

I am so confused

Hey guys,

I am currently really down and kind of depressed bcs I have so many conflicting feeling about myself, relationships and what I want for my life that just doesn't make sense.

First of all:

I'm not really sure if I'm really ace or just a selfish bitch.

I'll try to explain on that:

I never really enjoyed any sexual experience I ever had so far for many different reasons.

I do have sexual desire though (and also masturbate) and I think I would even enjoy having sex if I have a strong mental connection(trust) with my partner and really wants to sleep with me, takes the initiative/is very dominant. (I kind of need to give up a certain amount of control to be able to shut my mind off.)

But on the other hand I have a strong aversion agains taking the initiative myself or taking on a more active/dominant role. (And I also don't feel any sexual atraction to anybody I don't know/trust.)

I also feel really bad and "guilty" if my partner doesn't get what he wants/needs, so in my past I did many things I actually did not feel comfortable doing just to "fulfill my end of the bargain".

But I decided not to get into relationships anymore that might be unfulfilling for anyone and so I have been single for the last 7 years.

The problem is:

I'm turning 32 soon and I would love to get married and have kids, but I feel my time (as a woman) is running out soon.

My mind is also in a constant mode of anxiety about if it would even be possible for me to find someone who would match with me.

And how could I find someone like that?

It seems like my only option would be another relationship that "forces" me into a sexlife I would not only definitely not enjoy, but probably even feel miserable about.

But being anxous about stuff like that makes me think I don't even deserve a relationship in the first place if I'm just that selfish.

I heard about a term called "placiosexual" and thought for a moment:

"Those people are kind of my opposite. I need a partner like that."

But it seems like they are rarer thsn a unicorn and I personally never met slmeone like that.

Anyway.... what bothers me the most about all this is the fact that I don't really have people around me I could talk to about this.

I feel very lonely and would be happy about recommendations for a Discord server or anything else that might be helpful to connect eith people who understand my struggles at least a little bit.

Do my questions are basically:

Am I even ace (or just selfish)?

And where can I find people to talk about all this?

Hey everyone. So to be clear, I'm trans and have no idea what my sexuality is precisely but generally call myself gay. So I'm LGBTQ+ and have experience in communities that really have to be careful with definitions

May end up following this up with an "Am I Ace" question about the aforementioned uncertainty lol but this is more general, not about me, the backstory is just to make it clear I'm being genuine here

Basically I found the "asexuals wiki" and saw some terms like "traumasexual" and "dysphoriasexual"

This confuses and worries me a bit, because I feel like including these things as sexualities in of themselves will prevent traumatized/dysphoric allosexual people from getting help? Also, idk, I feel like saying "trauma can make you asexual" could potentially encourage a "conversion works and can actually change sexualities" mindset?

Obviously there can be overlap between someone being asexual and having these other experiences, but defining them as their own sexualities rubs me the wrong way. I'm wondering what the community's general take is on this and whether it's offensive/problematic to have these concerns

I'm a amateur writer who writes as a hobby and a recent out of the closet demisexual. I wanted to write about a father who found out his child is ace and goes to a friend who is a therapist for advice on how to show his child that he supports them. I want to describe an ace person respectively without making it sound like an ace person is someone who is dramatically repulsed by the idea of sex. I'm demisexual which is under the ace umbrella but my view on sex is different.

How do I perfectly and respectfully describe an ace person in my writing?

What's it like for people who are ace and going through male puberty? Currently going through 2nd puberty myself (ftm) the the hormones are having an Effect. Curious about what that is like for others with testosterone dominated endocrine systems. Figured I should ask a group rather than the one ace person I know who has done that who I don't know if they want those kinds of questions.

Hello, this is my first Reddit post! I’m scared to speak my feelings into reality but I thought I would try it out. I’m faced with two options: A: I put in years of therapy and self help books and journaling and eventually find my sexual nature that’s been dormant. B: I accept that I don’t fantasize or care much about sex or even masturbation. I accept that this is just who I am now.

My problem though, is I fear that option B is out of fear of healing. I’m scared to put in all of that work because I’m just so tired. I’m scared that accepting asexuality would be cutting around doing the work to heal from my traumas. I’m also afraid that what if I’m truly ace but am too afraid to accept that, so then I continue to tell myself that it’s possible to heal. How will I know if this is really me, or if I am just avoiding working through all of my pain and fear of intimacy and vulnerability and self love? I have a boyfriend that I love and I am so scared to learn my truth! Is it worth putting in all of the work anyways? I suppose it is… I just wish the answer was easier to find.

Maybe this is the wrong place to ask but I've been thinking about it a lot since I lost my virginity because there was nothing there (beside making my gf at the time happy but idk if that counts as like.. Sexual???)

I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve been experiencing but it’s been weird. I never had questions about attraction until my mid twenties. It feels as if I’ve very suddenly lost any semblance of attraction.

I've seen multiple people (mostly aces) who use the ace of spades (necklaces, rings, tattoos etc) as a symbol for their asexuality. Why is that? And is it known in this community?

I get why the ace is a symbol, but why the spades instead of something like a heart?

Where does the letter 'c' come from? Would it be considered incorrect if I spell it like 'ase'?

TL;DR: Childhood trauma and misgoogle leds me to figuring out humiliation only gets me going but nothing else. If I date again, do i not engage in the one kink or do i try a scratch your back you scratch mine and force myself or just date with no actions?

This might be stupid but I've suffered with non-attraction since I was little. I was 12 when i innocently googled a silly truth or dare just to it leading to this video of women humiliatingly making this guy smell their feet.

That and some mistreatment from mother and getting bullied must've played some role in my psyche.

I lived my whole life thinking sex would be interesting but 4 years ago when I had my first partner nothing would get me going... except when she pulled out of her work boots.. i'll spare you the details.

It only hit me after being with her a year later it was the humiliation and not the feet itself cause i don't randomly idolize feet. Just the association with humiliation.

I've tried everything sexual, i don't get excited at anything. I can't relate to people saying some celebrity is hot or they want to fuck. Sex scenes don't do anything for me. It's beginning to seem like if I ever date again that I have 3 choices.

1. Date with no physical actions at all.
2. Pray to God to find someone who particularly only has the same fetish
3. Do a "you scratch my back" i scratch yours and power through what i do not find arousing to receive it back?

Anyone relate? What did you do in this situation?

Hi there! I’m not sure about other places, but my family doctor can perform pap smears, breast exams, etc. If I (28F) am not, have never been, and are not ever planning to be sexually active, is there any reason to see a gynaecologist beyond a routine pap smear if nothing of concern comes up? It felt like my doctor was brushing me off when I asked, and Google is not helpful here…

Hey, so I am not asexual but my husband’s best friend is.

They’re a wonderful person and a considerate roommate, but I’ve been struggling. They need consistent reassurance from my husband (their best friend) that they’re still best friends and needing hugs or just general touchiness. I understand they are asexual and have been for years (I do not know their full labels, I’ve never spoken to them about their sexuality) but it’s hard to not feel that flare of jealousy when they hug him, play with his hair, hold his hand. He’s called them cute things when he and I were barely dating that I had to say wasn’t okay. I’ve set some boundaries with my husband on what is acceptable, and he has been phenomenal in keeping that boundary. I feel part of my jealousy is because they used to date before he and I got together, so I always have that in the back of my mind when they ask for hugs from him or joke around or even make a sexual joke to him. I don’t get a lot of alone time with him bc they want to hang and I don’t want to make them feel unwanted. I didn’t bring this up to them directly because, well, I can be very harsh and I don’t want them to feel worse or cause tension in the house. To me it feels like they treat my husband as a partner with all the reassurances and affections, not a best friend.

How do you personally view physical affection? Everyone has a different idea of it and I’d love to hear it. It might help me understand them a bit better. I know they aren’t doing it out of nefarious intent, I just want to understand asexuality. I’ve even read the handbook. Also so sorry for the long post. And yes I will discuss this with them soon, I just want to make sure I’m more educated and collected before I do so.

Content warning: grooming, sexual assault Hi, F 30, autism spectrum disorder, depression, social anxiety, trauma. I have a history of grooming and sexual assault from when I was 13-15 years old. This was by several adult men. I was an easy target because of my autism and shyness. Later in live I had an emotionally abusive relationship where (according to my therapist) I was raped again. Looking at my live right now I feel like I have never experienced sexual or romantic attraction. My therapist says that's normal with my past. However I have some sort of attraction (not sexual or romantic) for older, broad built males that have a position of power (like a teacher or doctor). It's like I always want their attention and be a good student/patient etc. I'm also always nervous when meeting them. My question is, do any of you experience the same? And what is this "attraction"? Thanks

I’m not ace-spike myself nor am I questioning if I might be but I’m sill curious about what it’s like.

This is the definition of ace-spike from the lgbtqia wiki:

Acespike is an orientation on the asexual spectrum. It is defined as someone who usually feels no sexual attraction, but occasionally has rare, sudden, and intense spikes of sexual attraction for a short amount of time, before returning, just as suddenly, to one's normal amounts of asexuality.

What I’m wondering is exactly what is meant by “rare” and “short amount of time”. I understand that it can vary from person to person but still, is it like for a few days every month, a few weeks every year or a few hours every week? Or a few hours every year?

I’m also wondering if this sudden attraction is only directed towards one person, like I think I often hear grey-aces describing? Like they go most their lives without sexual attraction but then a few times in their life they will meet a person they are attracted to? Or is it more that ace-spikes usually doesn’t experience sexual attraction but will have short periods of time where they experience sexual attraction like an allo, which I assume would be having sexual attraction to most people of their preferred gender that they find aesthetically attractive or is “their type”, not just one?

You don’t have to be ace-spike yourself to answer, although that would obviously be great, I just want to know how other people are interpreting this label.

My partner is asexual and Im trying to find a way to talk about it with him without making it uncomfortable for him so we can set boundaries and ground rules.

My question feels a little hard to explain so bear with me. For context I’m aroallo and questioning my sexual orientation.

So, from what I’ve heard and read from the ace community, there’s different “types” of ace people, such as sex repulsed and sex favorable (sorry in advance if I am not using correct terminology). The way I understand it, sex favorable aces don’t desire sex but they will have it, maybe most commonly for connection with a romantic partner.

My question is, does this kind of mindset or philosophy apply to your romantic orientation?

I ask because I’ve been feeling very confused about labels (pleasee don’t tell me I can be lableless, I know but I’m just trying to work through my feelings for myself). Namely. I loosely ID as a lesbian. I am solely sexually attracted to women/nbs. BUT. I have had sex with men. And I guess i generally don’t feel man repulsed. I am not attracted to the men I sleep with but I am pretty hypersexual and sometimes a man is easier to find for hookups since I’m not looking for a long term relationship. Sometimes I get repulsed, usually to specific things like facial hair.

But generally I feel people who ID as lesbians, or ID as any sexuality besides bi or pan are repulsed by the gender they’re not attracted to, and sleeping with them is inconceivable. So it feels wrong to say I’m a lesbian, even though I am solely attracted to and desire women.

I have slept with men and I will probably sleep with men in the future. Not because I’m attracted to them but because I get horny and am not always repulsed. It’s enjoyable enough to be worth it, since I still am a human and react to stimuli (also I am not saying that some people aren’t human if they don’t react to stimuli or don’t have any libido, just that it is a human experience, not the human experience).

I am very sorry if I have offended any one and please call me in if I did, I am open to learning and just trying to figure out if people apply this philosophy to their romantic orientation, to see if I can better understand my own sexuality.

Thanks all, much love from this aroallo 🩷

To all my fellow aces don't forget starting the 20th of this month and ending on the 26th is asexual awareness week

My partner and I have been together for about a year and a half. I am close to asexual although I definitely enjoy having sex with my parnter, it's just more like really intimate cuddling for me and orgasming doesn't really matter for me. My partner is more on the "normal" side of the spectrum (I don't know terminology.) We both enjoy the sex have we have a lot, however, my partner has expressed they need to explore their sexuality more regarding specific things they like, kinks, etc.. I am so down for exploring, I love making them feel good and knowing they are really into what we're doing makes me feel sexy. It's just hard for me to know how to do that, my sexual needs are basically non-existent and while I thoroughly enjoy sex with my partner it's hard for me to guage what other people might find exciting or would think feels especially good. My partner finds it hard to express what they want to try, partly because of not knowing and partly because of trauma. Can you recommend a YouTuber, podcast, or whatever that might help give us ideas or have advice on continuing to explore sex in a committed relationship? We are seeing a couples therapist as well just for context.

So, this is a little out of pocket, but I am an aspiring author working on the manuscript for my debut fiction novel. The MC for the novel is non-binary and while I am not Ace myself, I am looking to write the character to be Ace or at least to make them Ace coded.

The last thing I want to do is write something that comes across as insensitive or offensive as a result of ignorance or lack of understanding. Seeing as I am not Ace myself, and don't have any Ace friends that I could ask for help, I was wondering if anyone would be willing to help me understand more about the identity? I figured the best way to approach this would be to ask the members of the community directly rather than sifting through misinformation and biased views online.

At this point I'm looking for some general information about what your identities mean to you? Some tips on how I could present this aspect of my character in the written form? And possibly on the main things/tropes that I can avoid to refrain from offending anyone.

If anyone would rather message me directly then feel free to. I'm open to any and all input. Even in the event that the opinion is that I have no place writing an Ace character, then please voice that opinion too.

Please excuse me if some of my etiquette is incorrect. I am fairly new to Reddit and still learning how everything works.

i saw this question on the r/no subreddit and i wanted to know how y’all feel about it.

Hi! im personally not ace, but finished up a show where a character throughout the show has never been in; or hinted at wanting a relationship of any sort, and when asking around people who read the books claims she's asexual and aromantic but near the end of the season she experiences a spark when seeing a guy, and im curious can aromantic people still catch feelings?

Hi folks, I am unsure if this should be in advice or in question, but the TLDR is: My partner says that they're ace now after 3 years of us being together and us being intimate for a little over two of those years.

So yes my partner has told me that for the last 8 or so months that they're still attracted to me and still love me, but that they have zero sexual desire to be intimate with me. This came as a surprise to me because we have spent the last 2+ years being intimate with each other, and I even supported them through transitioning and still love them more than anything and am still deeply attracted to them. So I'm wondering at this point if they're just not attracted me to at all or if they really have been ace this whole time and just did what they through of as necessary for an early relationship. They have also confirmed that they are in fact asexual to me so I'm just looking for help to see if I caused this or to see of there is anything I can do to respark things.

EDIT: Added TLDR TLDR: I was ace, but now I don’t know where I belong

So I considered myself asexual for over 10 years, I had a queer platonic partner, and I had just started hrt to be more masculine presenting. Just before I turned 25, I admitted that I was beginning to be interested in sex to my partner. They were accepting of this, and I lost my virginity to them. Since then, I’ve also experimented (with their permission, they’re also poly) with swinging. I’m pretty confident that I’m polysexual, but I still feel disconnected to most of the swinging community because I’m not a person who can just jump into bed with people right away, I need discussion, and feelings. The biggest thing I need is for people to be blunt and say they’re sexually attracted to me (I blame the autism), and even then it’s not a guarantee. Asexuality was such a supportive community to me when I needed it, so I’m turning to you again. If you don’t think I’m ace, I respect your opinion, I honestly just don’t know where to start again.

For the last 5 months I am seeing someone and she identifies as fluctuating asexual. For her meaning that the first few weeks of seeing someone she has sexual attraction, and after that not anymore.

We get along very well, and I am very much in love. Sometimes it is hard when I have a desire for sex, but nows she has a date with another girl. We agreed on seeing other people, so that should be fine. However, the thought of her having sex with someone else and she does not desire to have sex with me is killing me. What can I do about this situation or my feelings?

I hope you can help me

I know that asexuals usually don't experience sexual attraction toward others, but is it possible for their own sexual desire to fluctuate when they fall in love with others?

There is an asexual character in the novel that I’m writing, so I want to ensure that the portrayal is accurate. Thanks for your help!