I've recently starting hanging out a lot with an ace man, and before he told me that he was ace, I noticed that he would check out my cleavage... Is that normal for ace people? After getting to know him better, he told me he didn't think he was aromantic or anything other than asexual, but I thought that would include not looking at or wanting to touch sexualised body parts?

Also, when you are talking to a potential partner about your asexuality, would you specify on your own what type of relationship you have with sex (sex positive, sex neutral etc.), or do they have to ask?

If we have gone for multiple 1 on 1 activities that are a bit date like (movies etc) where it's just the two of us, would it still feel like a date to an ace man, or is it necessary to specify? Would an asexual person more often than not just assume everyone as platonic presences in their life? It's very clear that we both enjoy each other's company, but I'm not sure whether or not I should ask if they view me romantically, nor how I best should do it in a way that is mindful of his asexuality.

If we did get romantically involved, and he is the type of asexual that could find himself saying yes to sexual acts with me, how does that work? How does one achieve and maintain an erection as an asexual, and is it even possible? And if I eventually decided that being without sex wouldn't work, but I still loved him, is it normal for asexuals to have an allosexual partner who gets their sexual needs met outside the relationship?

I'm not asexual, simply a bisexual woman, so I just wanted to hear more about the perspective of actual asexual men. I think I'm starting to really like this person, and I want to be respectful and understanding, but I don't want to freak him out by asking him all these weird questions at once. I don't even know if I can ask most of them without looking like a jerk!

So I do have libido and I enjoy feeling turned on and feeling the libido running in my body. I also enjoyed (a lot) receiving sex from my last partner. I do not like giving it or doing it to others and even though sometimes it feels great I also don’t enjoy masturbating so at the moment I’m abstaining from sex with others and with myself. In the past sex has never felt like ”my thing”. I see other (gay) man going crazy for it and doing crazy stuff to get it and I could never understand that (not judging at all, just saying I couldn’t relate). For a time I though I was a side, then other times I though I was asexual, sometimes just think maybe haven’t found the right person. Don’t want to put a label on it but I keep wondering if I can call myself an asexual when I easily get turned on (either by seeing men that I find attractive or my own fantasies) and enjoy receiving sex (but not giving it). I’ve also masturbated a lot, it’s been a thing my whole life but lately I’m just not enjoying myself doing it. Any words? Do I fit into the ace category?

Trying to figure myself out here I guess. Used to enjoy sex quite a lot. From my teen years until about 21 when it just dropped off. Now I don’t have any desire, and in fact, sometimes complete repulsion. I’m 25 now and feel like I’m missing out on my prime sex having age lol. I’ve checked my testosterone levels, gotten meds switched around, done therapy, and still nothing. It’s very annoying as I have a very sexual partner. I can perform when needed but have never enjoyed it with them. Does that sound like asexuality? I guess I can label it whatever I want, but should I just come to terms with it or does it sound like something else is up?

I m(22) have come out as asexual for a couple years now and in that time I’ve had a couple romantic partners. I’ve attempted to explain my sexual so that people understand but when you start to care about someone you try to make them happy. I’m not shy about touching people but like giving someone a hug is like a big step in a relationship for me. In contrast doing very personal sexual acts with someone felt like nothing… specifically nothing. I didn’t dislike what I was doing but I didn’t really enjoy it either, I was happy that in the end my partner was having a good time. But is that weird? Being awkward with hugs when I’ve begrudgingly been more physical with someone else? I just don’t know

I used to be a lot, especially in middle school and high school

Holy. CRAP.

I had 16 followers two days ago when I made my first post.

I just hit 100 today. When Twitch catches up with my average viewer count and follower count tomorrow, I will be a Twitch affiliate.

I hit affiliate in a WEEK. That is INSANE. I really appreciate everybody that came out to support the channel. I've met a lot of cool people, and I've been working to make the Twitch channel as welcome as possible for each individual member!

Missed the first post I made? Don't worry! Here's an update:

I made a Twitch channel last week, and although my primary goal wasn't an Asexual community at the start, that's what it turned into! Most of the active viewers are a part of Asexual, or Aromantic (or both) communities, and we've been chatting with each other! I've put in a lot of effort, making custom start/intermission/ending screens, making a custom follow message that changes depending on which game I'm playing, having some light music in the background, responding to every single person's message in chat as soon as I can, and more!

We've played DayZ and No Man's Sky in the past, but I'm starting off with Europa Universalis IV tonight! It's a Grand Strategy game that takes place from 1444 to 1821, basically covering everything from the end of the Late Middle Ages, to the end of the War of 1812, and the start of the Victorian era. 🤓

If you want to come check it out, my channel will be below! I will be streaming about thirty minutes after this post goes live, so if you don't see me online, don't worry! I will be starting soon. If you're too late, I try to stream every day!

My channel name: LancasterNMS

For context, I am a white Bisexual cis 24 Male who's never really liked sex, I was taken of when I was 18 by a 35 year old woman without realising years later, I also have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and STPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder).

Last year I was sick of being repressed so I met this guy on a hookup app (surge I believe, gay dating app, not that it matters) and I went to his house and I took a whole box of Viagra, had a bottle of Orchard Thieves Cider and Tried to get it on, I couldn't get erect, so I started taking more, he tried to reassure me and ask some questions on if I thought he was attractive etc. the usual questions when it comes to Erectile Dysfunction. so I got so pissed off, I went into meltdown and got so upset, hitting my head against a wall etc. I ran out of his house and got the nearest bus back into Town with my Bag.
As soon as I got into Town it was after hours around 1am or something, so my first thought was "Right, I am gonna get some Heroin, I done it once and I was ok and I am not staying sober for the whole night" so I walked around Town for hours on end to see if I can find anyone selling drugs, there's usually a lot of drug addicts walking around Town and homeless people at that time of night so I thought I was in luck to find some junk, I couldn't find any, at one point, I found an old crack pipe on the ground and tried to smoke whatever was left in there, nothing.

I eventually found a guy smoking a joint on the Liffey Bridge, so I took a few drags of it and I was ok, he was a bit hesitant in letting me, but I explained my situation briefly and he actually felt sorry for me, he gave me 20 euro to get into a Hostel and stay the night, I wanted to buy some weed off him but he didn't have any left, so my journey for heroin or any other harder substance continued until I found a bus that goes to my area, I eventually jumped on the bus and went home and slept, absolutely angry and frustrated that this problem has been there all my life,

Anyone Else Feel like this? or is it just me?

This is a tad early so just in case, Happy First Contact Day!

I have a really close friend and he’s sex involved like the majority of young guys our age so naturally conversations about who he’s into, or who he’s sleeping with, or a flings etc etc come up often.

I trust him, so several weeks ago I tried to explain my lack of attraction to him. No matter how I explained it he just couldn’t understand. He was like “Have you been checked by a doctor?” and then “Maybe it’s in your head, you’ll find the right one”. I can’t fault him for it because I know he meant no harm, but it’s so amusing to me how people can’t even comprehend NOT feeling the desire to have sex. I just dropped the conversation because I knew there was a misunderstanding too great there.

Anyone know what I mean by "The Stand-Off"? Ever get stuck in some/several haters gaze, so that your conscious experience is practically completely centered on them and how they're seeing/interpreting you?

To give you context, I’m pretty sure I’m ace and greyromantic (?) and there’s this dude at school (he’s a senior) and I think I might have a crush on him, but I’m not completely sure. It’s just exhausting to see every chance of talking to him disappearing. It’s like taking two step forwards and two steps back, I can see him, I know him, but he’s just so far away from me, no matter how hard I try to get myself near him. What makes this even worse is that I have fairly bad social skills and it’s very hard for me to interact with people in real life, even though I know that every effort that I take to talk to him are all in vain. He probably doesn’t like me and I know he isn’t asexual. He probably has some partner by now for all I know.

So have a girlfriend and I am very much romantically attracted to her but it’s the sexual part I’m confused on. I make her feel good all the time, if you get it you get it, but every time we have sex I’ve never been able to finish. It’s nothing against her I just don’t know if I can. I try to satisfy her as much as I can but I can count on my hands the amount of times I’ve finished. It’s like a 50:1 ratio (her to me) does anyone have any advice for this Im really worried this might affect our relationship.

My husband (Genderfluid 40) and I (F 37) have been together for almost 20 years. We have 2 kids and generally happy marriage.

Sex has always been challenging. He's always lacked desire, but enjoys it when we do have sex. I've struggled with feelings of low self esteem relating to this and when sex disappears all together I feel a lack of connection which causes issues.

I'm just coming to the understanding that he is perhaps Asexual (talking about it is challenging and he will often look to give me the answer he thinks I want rather than the one that will actually help me understand). I think I can find a way forward if I could just get my head around it. If he lacks the initial desire but enjoys it when it happens, I can probably learn to understand that he won't initiate things and find a comfortable signal for times when he'll be happy to engage.

However, I have some things that confuse me and I'm not sure he knows how to help me understand.

He has a strong urge for solo fun. Some of it is niche kink that he doesn't need a partner for. Some of it is stuff we can do together but I certainly see he has strong urges to enjoy when I'm not around. (It's often felt like he looks forward to time without me so he can do these things- adding to my feelings of low self esteem)

I'm torn between wanting to be a great wife and Ally, understanding this is who he is, and feeling desperate to feel desired. I wish I could just switch that need off. It would make everything easier.

TL:DR I think my husband may be Asexual as he has almost no desire for sex with me despite enjoying it when we do. However he has strong desires for solo kink fun. Could this be Asexuality? How can I stop taking this personally.

Hello! I'm a member of the ace community (25, F) and just want to celebrate you. I can't imagine how grueling your journey to finally accepting, loving, and honoring your real self has been. Your existence is stunning to me. I so hope the world becomes a better, safer, and more loving place for you every day. I also hope that February can be a month of pride for you, however you want or don't want to feel loved!

My question: I'm writing a grand-sweeping fantasy novel with a main character who is cis male, asexual, and questioning-romantic. Though I've never been a stranger to the systemic issues plaguing the community, I acknowledge the privilege of not having to dig through the suffocating strata of things like toxic masculinity in order to surface to the world as myself. Heavy is the pack upon your backs, dear men. What details, if present in my character's journey, would make you read it and go "wow, the author cares about and sees me"? And/or "the author really took the time to understand what it's like to be a cis male ace before plunging headlong into the world"? I know it's a big question and that a series of books could likely be written addressing it alone. Still, I'd love to know your thoughts.

So far, these are the themes I've clued into:

• Pressure from the dominant culture to be sexually learned and constantly desiring
• Some sexual/romantic relationships as performative (yet not unfeeling) reaches for social safety -- these can manifest without even realizing what they are until later
• The assumption of weakness/wrongness from others for feeling little to no sexual attraction or desire (whereas, for women, it's usually the assumption of prudishness/trauma)
• The assumption from others that spending time with members of the opposite sex = romantic/sexual interest (the "ooo, when are you going to just ask them out? Are you scared?" thing)
• Inner turmoil over wanting to claim the healthy and adaptive portions of masculinity while needing to shun the parts that do not honor your aceness
• Fear over triggering feelings of discomfort, shame, and loneliness in potential partners (and how, devastatingly, this can lead to feeling sexually coerced)
• (this one may be presumptuous?) The desire for other men to honor you just as you are

Please feel free to correct or expand upon these themes. I'm just here to learn! My hope beyond hopes with this book of mine is to increase nuanced and safety-affirming representation for aces everywhere, but especially aces like you. My character's sexuality is, of course, only a facet of his glorious self. I just want to get the facet so right.

Hi all! It's that time of year again where Ace Chat is looking for new Instagram interviewees. Ace Chat is an a-spec visibility platform devoted to sharing a-spec resources and stories. You can learn more about us here: https://acechat.org/

Right now, we're trying to prioritize Instagram interviews. Here are some examples: https://www.instagram.com/chat_ace/
If you'd like to participate, you can do so by filling out the form here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdVtF0x41dzPLSIF1d_-V_tZqJfANfCWm0LX4NUTOzjd_0ttA/viewform

If you previously filled out the form and haven't heard back, please feel free to message. Thanks for reading, and happy to answer any questions!

I hate being paraded around like a goddamn circus animal (I'm aroace) Whenever I step out of my bubble and try to make friends other men are usually fine but as soon as they find out I'm ace I'm ostracized. When I try to make friends with women I'm paraded around as their gay best friend ™ I'm really sick of this does anyone have any ideas to avoid this?

Does ACE show its self at an older age?

Straight, 48 years of age. Absolutely no sexual interest or libedo, none. Don’t crave it, dream about it or think about it other then than asking myself the questions in this post.

The smell of perfume, an attractive woman, passing eye-candy, a provocative outfit, flirtatious smile, or for intellectual purposes a great conversation with a female doesn’t kick start intimacy thoughts or hormones.

Dr says testosterone levels are normal for my age. Gave me viagra to try but never use it as the urge never arises. I feel under no pressure to perform, but do feel guilty for avoiding the act when a deeper connection occurs with a woman. I’m just not interested in the act. I simply don’t pick up on those intimacy feelings anymore.

College was fun, most of midlife was fun then after a stressful professional career it’s gone. Was married, have two great daughters but intimacy is not even on my radar.

…and no…no hidden desire for the same sex.

I don’t understand?

People profess they do because of superior clothing options and voice acting. But is that the case?

I think I am a little on the gray side (only a little).

Is online the right way ? how many aces are even on dating websites. I don't want to waste anyone's time

I was laying awake in bed for a lot of last night (woke up at 3 in the morning, sleep schedule) and I started talking to myself to try and sort out some thoughts. I rambled to myself for a while, had a small cry, and like…its pretty fucked that the only reason I want to lose my virginity is the stigma around it and my own internalized toxic masculinity. If the concept of virginity didn’t exist I’m absolutely certain that I wouldn’t even think about sex. So the thing that’s been keeping me up is what to do about it, and there are 2 options:

1. I try to hook up with someone and just get it over with. Maybe I’ll enjoy myself, but more than likely I’ll either find it boring or repulsive and regret it and beat myself up for giving in to invisible peer pressure. It won’t solve my self-worth issues, and I would still feel behind the curve which would just lead to more bad thoughts.

2. I can recognize that the problem is not the virginity itself, but my attitude towards it. I can work towards moving past the self-hate and just not care about it, and maybe possibly sometime in the future have sex if I want it and not because I feel like I’m supposed to, or I just never have it and thats cool too.

I’m obviously leaning heavily towards option 2 since its just the fucking clearly healthier and better option in the long run and actually gets to the root of the problem, but it feels like every night my brain and negativity and anxiety keep going towards option 1 since it represents a “quick fix” which leads me to think about doing it, which makes me uncomfortable, which makes me upset that I’m uncomfortable and it’s a whole fucking thing and I hate it.

But yea a I think a lot of anxiety comes from that fact that I’ll never 100% know for sure if I like sex or not, which is just something I have to accept because it applies to literally everything.

Like I was thinking about this while driving yesterday, we decide if we’re gonna like something by making inferences and connections to previous lived experiences. Like i’ve never hugged a cactus, but the needles on a cactus are in the same ball park as the needles doctors use, and those hurt. So I make the inference that the feeling is similar, and that I wouldn’t enjoy it. I’ll never know because I haven’t actually done it, but it doesn’t matter because I can make a pretty educated guess and decide its not for me.

Even for shit I have actually tried it’s impossible to know for certain. I hate mashed potatoes, but maybe they were just really poorly made the 2 times I’ve tried them and I’ll like them if I try them one more time? I’ll literally never fucking know for certain, but I also don’t care because it’s mashed potatoes and it doesn’t matter.

I found sexting, sending nudes, and phone sex extremely fucking boring and slightly uncomfortable at times, and the one time I came close to having sex and initiated that possibility it made me really uncomfortable and I backed out immediately, so I can use all that to just infer that sex isn’t something I’d be super in to, but I’ll never know 100%. I need to learn to not care about that.

Even if I had sex and didn’t enjoy it, I still wouldn’t know. If I had and and enjoyed it, I still wouldn’t know. I need to trust my judgement and operate with some faith in myself instead of fucking questioning everything.

I'm in my early 30s, and only realized I was ace this year. I'm still not entirely sure if I'm gray ace or just ace without adjectives, but I guess I'll figure that out over time.

I've always lived with a constant background anxiety of "If I'm not in a relationship and 'experiencing' sex, the clock is ticking and I'm going to regret everything." It doesn't make much sense on any level. I'm glad I've tried sex with both men and women, otherwise I'd still be waiting to rule anything out. But the buildup was always much better than the main event. I still don't understand actually getting turned on by sex acts themselves outside of fantasies. Can't get into it. Foreplay is always better.

For a little while after realizing I was probably asexual, I hadn't let go of the anxiety yet, so I felt doomed to "miss out" and be forever disappointed and self-conscious about this personal failing I couldn't change. But seeing other men dealing with it has shown me that it's just a natural sexuality like any other, and I couldn't possibly cast judgment on everyone else who is just like me. It truly is okay, and missing out on sex is a lot like missing out on climbing Mt. Everest...which I have even less desire to do.

I can finally just chill. I'm single, I'm happy, I have friends and hobbies, I'm free to do what I want. If I fall in love in the future, I can deal with that then.