Okay so for context: I'm 18, I'm trans m2f, lesbian and demisexual+romantic, as well as somewhere on the ace spec. I have always found it hard to make friends. it's always when I say I'm demi, or ace or trans that makes potential "friends" turn away as they say the usual "Demi isn't queer" or "spend some time with me, I'm sure we can fix your supposed asexuality" blah blah blah. I am asking you guys, my fellow demi community members, for advice for making friends as a demi. (i've only been demi for a few months, so I'm a baby demi)

I basically do not experience physical attraction, but the idea of sex with someone I really love is an extremely exciting and gratifying idea to me.

I feel once a day I see a main page post to the effect of how attraction has faded in someone's relationship and they are questioning as to whether they want to stay. Commenters are always telling them their relationship is doomed without exception.

Is this the genuine mentality of real world people or is this kind of sexual capital oriented rhetoric overrepresented on the internet?

I have always been of the mind that if I tried hard enough to satisfy a potential partner's sexual needs there would be minimal strife due to my willingness; why, if I am attracted to no one, would a partner interpret my lack of attraction as a rejection?

Anecdotes appreciated.

I'm not sure if I'm demi sexual or have some other things going on.

I get so jealous of friends who can have flings, date, have freinds with benefits, anything like that...

I just don't feel attraction toward 99% of people. How do these people find each other attractive? How are people having all these flings? Like, multiple dates or hookups or flings every year... Why am I never attracted to the people who like me?

What am I doing wrong? This hurts so much to watch people do these "normal" things, and I'm wasting my youth. I'm getting old, my health isn't going to be like this forever... And the regret and jealousy is just piling up.

I just want to feel mutual attraction with someone enough to at least go on a date.

I don't want to be like this anymore, I want to have fun and make mistakes like everyone else.

Edit: it makes me so jealous and regretful when I hear about how many people friends have been intimate with, or even just dated. I can't do it, all I want is to be able to do these things, too.

i (26F) am reaching a breaking point. the last person i dated was in 2016, and that guy then immediately came out as gay. since then, i've considered myself bisexual, and recently i've accepted that i just Am demisexual. there is no sexual attraction to people without the emotional connection first—i can't muster anything up without it, so i end up feeling conflicted after every sexual encounter....im so sick of it. i've recently started a new job and im close to praying that i work with someone close enough in age that i can get close to and potentially date, even if it's just short term. dating apps are a nightmare because "short term" to me apparently means "long term" to others??? i give up!!

Alright, I just realized I have a type, tall, ripped, glasses, short hair. Well, I'm attracted to these people immediately, (unless personality sucks) so I don't know, everyone else I'm Demi towards though. I don't know, is there another thing I could be?

Hii, i was just wondering if there is someone who is demisexual and also struggles with SO-OCD (sexual orientation obsessive compulsive disorder) ?😊

I’ve written a draft of a book that explores themes of demisexuality, and I would love for someone who is also questioning where they lie on the asexual spectrum to read it and share their thoughts. The book is very character driven and I wrote it to voice an experience I don't often see written about. At the start of the book, the main character is dating men. She realizes she doesn't like having sex with them, so she starts dating women. That doesn’t feel quite right either, which leads her to question if she might be asexual, etc. I am really curious how the book reads to other people who have had a similar (or different) journey and who have found their way to this community. I of course can pay and don't expect in-depth edits, just general feedback and thoughts. Please let me know if this is something you're interested in and I can provide more details. Thank you SO much :)

What do you think about being friends with an ex? I wanted to be unconstructed so it wouldn't bother me, but it's kind of difficult. As a demi, I take connections from a relationship very seriously, even in the past.

Y'all has anyone ever made a demisexual/romantic specific app?

So this post might be long, because stuff involving me, sex and attraction is kind of all over the place for me.

Ok so for context, I hardly ever look at just people based off of their looks and think “wow I really want to sleep with this person.” I do however get thoughts of like “oh they’re cute”, (not to have sex with), or I can appreciate their looks and find them conventionally attractive/know they are to the masses. However I do have a high libido and sex drive. So this is where my confusion comes and it gets tricky. I have participated in hookups/one night stands before mostly for the feeling of having sex/I enjoy having sex/or to build an emotional connection with someone I wanted to pursue more. Majority of the time unless I was already dating this person, I would engage in hookups while I was drunk, as my inhibitions seem to lower and I’m more likely to consider attraction. But while I am in the act of hooking up with them I don’t think “omg they’re so hot,” I mostly think “I enjoy the feelings I get from doing this with someone.” When I had decided to engage in hooking up with someone in the past I do usually only pick people who are conventionally attractive, but when I seek these people out it’s mostly because I was seeking something emotional first, and not really because I saw them and was like “omg I need to have sex with them.” Sex just kind of happened as I was trying to form an attachment and like the feeling of sex.

Now with masturbation. I am utterly disgusted by porn, (I do have some SA trauma with that though) and think it’s gross that people watch it. When I have seen it I never get turned on by it, unless it had involved a scenario with a romantic partner in some way. Here is another part I’m confused on.

So my partner and I have kind of explored our sexual kinks over the past two years. Anyways I found out that the idea of threesomes sounds appealing with someone else and my partner but I think it’s more for the fetish of it. Because when I do masturbate/or I talk about threesomes with my partner or doing things with another person, I don’t really get off on the idea of me doing stuff without them being in the room in these fantasies or at least in the picture in some way. The idea of just having sex with a random person without my partner being there doesn’t do anything for me.

Now another thing with masturbation, since I’m porn repulsed for the most part, I only really get off/find my partners nudes attractive. Now I have looked at and masturbated to pictures of a specific guy or girl that we do not know (as me and my partner are both bi), but when I masturbate to this third party person I only really get turned on by the fact that my partner would be involved. And I usually only masturbate to these specific people if I’m with my partner as a connection thing. But to clarify I don’t really seek out to have sex others/find it appealing without my partner who I am emotionally attached with being there, and even the people we have picked for these imaginary scenarios are only attractive to me now because it involves my partner. It’s almost as if my sexual attraction/kink only revolve around the person I have an emotional attachment with (that being my current partner, and partners I have had in the past).

When I have had periods where I wasn’t emotionally connected to anyone, and I masturbated I usually would never look at anything and go off of the feeling. With the exception of reading Fanfictions/AO3 of some of my favorite ships from tv shows or animated series I like. Otherwise I would not have a desire to look at anyone and picture myself having sex with a specific person, just thinking about the act itself. But when it comes to tv show characters/animated characters I have developed sexual attraction towards these characters mostly based upon their personalities in the show. I however am not really attracted to the actors in real life and don’t imagine myself with these real life people, once they’re out of character. Those are only the really big exceptions of people I have imagined other than my romantic partners of me having sex with. And they’re usually anime characters, maybe because they’re not a real person.

Now with sexual attraction towards my romantic partners. When I had first got with my current boyfriend, he was a coworker, that I on a drunk work social had initiated the conversation of sex with. Not really for his looks but just because I knew him well, and was horny to actually do the act. Anyways it wasn’t until we had been intimate a few more times and got to know eachother that I found him like super sexy to the point where I just wanted to have sex with him right now. Like it was not “oh he’s cute” anymore it was like “omg he’s so hot.” And now I literally think my partner is the sexiest person ever and don’t think anyone else can get me aroused like that, unless they were in a threesome with my partner in some way.

And the weird thing is, I do identify with being bi now, but my whole life I never knew I was. I literally never had sexual attraction towards girls and it wasn’t until my partner brought up a threesome with a girl as a fantasy did I realize I do in fact find girls attractive, but I realize I have a very picky specific type. Like there are only two celebrity girls I found attractive enough to want to insert them into this threesome scenario, and prior to me and my partner meeting when I saw these women before I only thought “oh they’re pretty” but I didn’t real any sexual attraction towards them until my partner was involved. Now I know I’m bi because me and my partner had a threesome with a women and I enjoyed it, and enjoy masturbating with my partner to those two specific celebrities. I do find them sexually attractive now, but they both play movie characters I really like, so that could be partly it too.

I’m sorry this is so long but I’m so confused if I’m Demi or not, because I have heard so much that people who are demisexual don’t engage in hookups or threesomes. That’s why I’m not sure if I’m Demi or just picky. If you read this far thank you, and I hope you can help me get some insight.

Overall Context: Basically in summary I experience physical attraction to people based off their looks, but am not like dying to have sex with them or really think about wanting that unless it’s my partner or fictional character. But I will still engage in the act of sex with physically attractive people just, because I like the feeling and would rather do it with them than someone who I would think is physically ugly. But I’m not like dying to do it beforehand, it’s more just to fulfill a horny urge, or to potentially elevate the relationship/connection/add emotional bonding to a connection that is budding. Then once I know someone well then I think they’re the hottest person in the word and only fixate on them, and sexual acts involving them.

Thanks!

I'm 35 and never been in a real relationship. I'm really coming to terms with being demisexual recently.

I've tried making it work with people I don't feel a connection with in hopes it will happen, but it doesn't.

All that being said I always screw it up when it comes to starting relationships with women I feel a connection with. I just can't make that leap in time and they lose interest. It's just this brain block of fear of rejection from someone that I actually care about. I'm reeling over a lost connection right now and I just can't go through it again.

Anyone have any advice on getting over this?

I know I’ve already posted about this but I feel so empty. 2 years of friendship third year finally developed romantic feelings then sexual then it was all down the drain in a year. He’s not demi and I’m unsure how he felt about me those 2 years but he was willing to wait and do everything at my pace. There’s not many non demi sexuals who will do so and not want to rush things etc. I’m so sad :( of course I’m happy I left since it was bad for my mental health but a future without his love is difficult to grasp.

I recently discovered that I am a demi-sapio sexual. At my F27 big age. I’ve been like this since middle school & never understood. I kept it in the dark for a while & didn’t tell anyone how I felt mentally. I didn’t know there were other people that felt like this or was a thing. Let alone not knowing there is a word for it. I thought it was just me! 😂

But ya I was never physically attractive to men. Not until I really got to know them. I’m attracted to good character and intellect and for someone to stimulate my mind. & wanting to feel like I’m emotionally invested. I see all men as just average and people for the most part. I always understood beauty standards and could identify what a good looking person was according to society. But I was never able to agree or feel some type of way about it.

I have a bf now. Super attracted to him after we really got to know each other on dates. It was like a switch in my head went off when I noticed how I was feeling. It felt really good! 💛

Sounds cringe, I know. But yeah, I do feel that way. As a demisexual and demiromantic guy, I'd rather date someone who is also double demi.

But that feels so impossible, not only because I barely meet anyone who is demi, but also because of other things too. I'm talking relationship ideals, I'm very physically affectionate for example. Life goals, like I want kids and not everyone else does.

It feels almost impossible to actually meet someone who I will like, and they will like me back. And I want to be in a relationship, love is nice and all

No idea where else I should ask this question. I feel like my problem is pretty unique and no one really knows an answer.

I used to be asexual and sex-repulsed. Until I started dating women and then met my ex and with her I developed sexual attraction for the first time.

But unlike apparently everyone else, this didn't make me a horny beast. I just went from thinking that sex is super disgusting to "hey this is fun and a nice body sensation".

I have a...situationship I guess going on rn. And there are so many things I'd like to try like strap-ons but I am unable to get horny enough or stay in the situation enough to even be able to enjoy penetration. Making me cum has always been a hard task anyway. To myself and to my ex. But now with the situationship where there isn't as much romance going on it's just harder. I anticipate touch down there so much just to be met with nothingness. It is absolutely frustrating. Only tongues can make me feel SOMEthing.

Sometimes I wonder if I watched too much porn at one point or it's my (unmedicated) ADHD's fault, idk. Has anyone any tips or experiences?

I am frustrated because I feel neither asexual nor sexual at this point. I'm a weird little alien :(

Looking for lighthearted silly stories and misunderstandings.

Personally I find it very funny my reaction to a video I saw online. There was a girl basically being upset that women in online dating were not flirting with her properly right away and only complimenting her platonically.

Personally I assumed the comments would be pointing out what I was thinking, that of course people would flirt right away they don’t even know you. Like I was so confused why I would flirt with a stranger. To my surprise they were all just explaining they didn’t know how to flirt.

I told my boyfriend “she wants people to act like they have a crush on her before they even know her” and he had to explain that that is in fact how attraction works for most people. Oops, forgot everyone’s not Demi.

After being in multiple relationships and having tried to hook up a few times I have started to come to terms with the fact that I might be demisexual, or at least on the spectrum. I just can't get it 'up' no matter how attractive my partners are. While most people think of 'banging' an attractive woman, I think of getting to know them better, along with emotional fulfillment.

Okay i know there are a lot of posts asking this and i went through some of the resources, but i just can’t figure it out.

What is the definition of that „strong bond“?

I never fantasize about random people, no strangers, not even celebrity crushes. No matter how attractive or beautiful someone is, i never think sexually about them.

But i have never felt any kind of asexual. I have a very high sex drive and it’s always concentrated on one person. This person is someone i crush on or am in love with. But sometimes it doesn’t take me long to crush on someone. It could be someone i just got to spend a day with. And while i don’t think about them sexually right away, i do start to fantasize about them a week or two later.

From what i‘ve seem here allosexuals think sexually about a lot of people whereas demisexuals don’t? But i‘ve seen so many having trouble to get that emotional bond. People saying it takes them years or at least months to feel comfortable being sexual with someone.

So am i demisexual?

I currently regret everything and I wish this was nothing but a bad dream...

Long story short I met another deemirose a year ago on the apps and we became friends but never stated any intentions between us and well after one I year I caught feelings and grew attached but I wasn't sure if they were mutual

So I did the brave move which made me so anxious and stressed to open up and confess to them that I'm open to being closer friends or more hinting at dating them

Which was also my first time ever asking out someone and was so stressful on top of that and we I ended up getting rejected

They said that they still want to be friends but they have realised they are aroace instead of demirose and don't really date anymore and well I sank to the ground a bit

I was okay with being rejected but I never imagined I would wake up in a world where I know that the only person I value so much and feel so close to will likely never value me or feel close to me the same way...

It's a bit heartbreaking but it's okay I'm happy we get to be friends but I feel bad for feeling attached to them and I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else that I can have a similar or a stronger bond that I need to begin developing feelings

So how do you come to terms with it when you realise the person you've grown so close will likely never grow close to you?

I been in therapy and been single for 1.5 year and my therapist said i should start dating , but i don't feel ready . She then described how people ( read heterosexual) meet and they found love and i should consider dating again. The way she described how people meet ( blind date , arrange marriage setup , co worker etc.) They made me lil uncomfortable, i just couldn't imagine myself meeting my future partner that way . Which made me curious how commited /married demi like me met their partner. Maybe that provide me guidance for myself.

Does NO ONE respect the demi in demisexual? It's literally in my bio that I do not want anything funky like that and fwoop it just goes in one ear and out the other for some people. Demisexual is NOT the same as being "normal" or whatever like I literally don't feel any sexual attraction to you and most people who arent on the ace-spec are not patient enough for those feelings to bloom, and there is still a high chance they never will. Woah, crazy, dont try to sex me you dsting app people you know who you are I see you (no one here)

U ever know/see this absolutely gorgeous woman (or insert person ur attracted to here) and you think how awesome it would be to date them and be intimate if u got to know each other and all that but u realize most people wouldn't wait for you to be ready/would not want a romantic relationship where sex is of low importance. Never mind if ur on a part of the ace spectrum where sex is basically off the table.

Yeah so I just feel discouraged bc what are the odds of finding someone YOU like, that likes YOU back, that's on the same page (a)sexually?

I spent most of my 20s focused on my career and honestly healing from a lot of trauma so I didn't really have space for dating. I know I would need someone to be extremely patient with me and I definitely resonate with demisexuality.

I've been unsuccessfully doing a lot of 1-2 dates with people from online dating apps for a couple years now. Now, I met this great guy who checks off a lot of "boxes" for me and is very in touch emotionally and into building emotional intimacy. We have been on 2 dates. His love language is physical touch (which I didn't think twice about bc literally every guys dating app says this and my therapist validated to take this with a grain of salt because that's how most guys are). I have basically only pecked someone and it was extremely embarrassing on our last date that he was trying to make out with me and I had zero clue what to do and kinda ended it early. He made a flirty joke on text about teaching me kissing lessons which was very nice.

I told him earlier on the date that I lacked relationship experience (which he immediately said isn't a bad thing, so that was super refreshing) but I am still super embarrassed and anxious about not knowing the "logistics" or "skill" per say of things like making out and it not feeling natural for me. At this point, my insecurity over just the act of doing it overpowers my ability to "just be in the moment and go with whatever he is doing" which is other advice I've seen.

Hi, it's rare that someone attracts me and I start to like them. When it happens I feel like it's almost a miracle.This causes I feel blue and with little hope of connecting. Anyway... I want to comment on something that happened recently because something like that has never happened to me before.

Last week I started talking to a guy online. I could already know soon that it wasn't going to end in attraction on my part because besides me I feel a bit sapiosexual and we didn't have all the mental chemistry I need for someone to make me attracted. However, the funny thing was that there were aspects of his personality that I liked: and in just one week I knew that I could kiss him but that it would never go beyond that, kisses. Some says after the first conversation, we had a video call and the little attraction I developed vanished because when talking in person I didn't feel those parts of his personality that attracted me when talking via chat and also the mental attraction was low.

Has it happened to some of you that you develop attraction but remains minimal? that does not evolve further? The three previous and only times took much longer and in addition to the strong romantic attraction, it turned into a sexual one later. I really felt in love Maybe I made a mental image of the boy who fainted upon seeing him in person.

I'm 43 year old cis female that's straight. I do have a high sex drive but I don't have sexual feelings for strangers or people I don't know well. I do enjoy bdsm and known as switch however when I dommed it was usually the no contact kind if I didn't know my sub well (ie if I was invited to dungeon or right after a meet and greet.) I normally don't like being touched by strangers and feel awkward when even my friends hug me. Sex for me is a mixed bag. When I'm thinking about it or self pleasuring if feels great but when I'm with other person, I'll be lucky if i get close. Am I demisexual? Note: usually don't sleep with people I don't have strong feelings for.

hi! I recently was on a third date and explained my demisexuality and my feelings towards sex in general. took it fine, great!

me and the guy have been having really fun dates. I really liked him a lot, but in the sense of enjoying his company. I live in a big city and so a third date is kind of like an expectation to have sex.

Here’s where things get tricky is sometimes if the situation is correct and I like them the right ways in my soul I can do it and I have fun and I enjoy it but sometimes I literally cannot tell until I’m in the situation for which it’s gonna happen which is why I preface anything sexual with my feelings.

I also get repulsed when I feel like men are sexually attracted to me. It grosses me out. I’ve had traumatic experiences with strangers, as well as with people I know. so i get grossed out like “ they don’t even know me!” unless i feel seen as a person.

anyways, he went down on me and it all felt like porn script versus actually trying to connect physically.…. and so then I stopped him and we were kissing and he wanted more and I didn’t…… like pulling my hand towards when i obvs know where it is and … yeah.

it kind of in a sense felt like he was testing our connection to like fact check me if i REALLY felt this “bond” with him and the whole thing was offputting. i can’t tell if im projecting or what but now i just feel disgust like touching wet food in a sink and i want to scrub my skin off.

anyways he asked if he can jerk it instead and i said ok and now the whole situation has me wanting to curl up in a hole bc i just am so overwhelmed with disgust towards this otherwise sweet guy. ughh. looking back now he was trying lots of PDA during the date that i was very stiff towards.

i wish i could just enjoy and let go and have fun but i keep ending up with this feeling of absolute repulsion and disgust and i felt tested, and i could tell he was disappointed. sometimes id just do it to get it over with to leave but that feels worse. ugh.

just venting and none of my friends are demi so it’s frustrating when i struggle like this with things that seem so easy for other people.

To preface, I consider my self demi bi with female leanings (I'm female). I have a date coming up this weekend with a guy I've been messaging for a few weeks and even though I don't know him that well, we've clicked yet I feel guilty for agreeing to meet. Like I wanna tell my close circle that I have a date but it feels inauthentic that it's with a dude just because of my dating history. I think it's mostly because I present as either straight or hella gay demanding on how you know me but I'm actually flexible.

Hey, I’m a straight cis woman who has been single for quite a while, and most of the time has a very low sex drive. However, when someone comes along who I have gotten to know a bit and enjoyed the company of (sometimes this can be only one date) who is also into me, that sex drive suddenly appears, sometimes very strongly. I am usually very turned off when men who are strangers come onto me, however, and I really hate ‘dirty talk’ on ‘the apps’ - I just want to get to know people a little bit before I can tell whether there’s sexual attraction.

From reading posts on here it sounds like most demisexual people don’t feel sexual attraction until there’s a stronger emotional connection. I don’t feel like my ‘brand’ of sexuality is quite allo though as I feel like most of the world is a fair bit more sex-obsessed than me. Maybe I’m…demi-demisexual?

we have been spereate for almost 4 years at this point. I ended the relationship initially but we did on good terms and tried to not make things ugly and we didnt.

Over those 4 years sometimes we would have short phases in which we would talk about old stuff und just enjoy eachothers company because it felt safe and we knew we could trust eachother. i now know her for so many years and we have shared so much. It was a long friendship which turned into a relationship.

Two days ago i get a text from her but i didnt notice since i am at a pretty bad spot mentally and was not looking at my phone at all. Yesterday she called me and asked if everything was fine since i didnt answer and we talked. The last time we spoke was about 6 months ago. So we talked and the communication with her is really easy since we just share our feelings and we realised we both are in a pretty fucked up spot right now because we both got alot going on.

After 3 hours of talking to her on the phone we texted in the evening and well, we realised we both have the desire to comfort someone and feel safe so i asked her if she wants to come over today and she said yes.

Currently she is ill and i said i would make her some tea, bake some muffins or idk something and she could rest and i could rest a bit.

We both know since we are in fact communicating that we only do this to idk? help eachother? Or comfort eachother? Because we both desperately need it.

Is this wrong? Should i tell her to not come over to not bring old feelings back up if they come? Idk? I have never done this. The last time we had one on one time was 4 years ago.

Also, i have not been in a relatio ship in those 4 years and she hasnt either. We are both single and the only one we could maybe hurt this with is ourself.

EDIT: she came over, we had a good time, good conversations, very deep too and we both enjoyed it. We communicated everything and made sure the other one is feeling good.

I think we will repeat this and just enjoy the company we can give eachother right now.

Just a general question. I a couple years ago recently discovered I was on the demisexual spectrum. Personally I don’t mind it, but there is a limit on it for me you know? Like it can be fun and I have a more crude sense of humor. I have tougher skin than some. But what are your guys opinions? For me if it’s coming from a guy that I like, and he expressed he likes me back, I just respectfully tell him about how I’m on the demisexual spectrum and go over the whole spiel on what it is :)