Had something happen very recently while watching porn with my partner, and wanted to ask if anyone has ever felt the same.

I’m demi and bi, and have dated people where I didn’t realise that my lack of trust and emotional connection with my partner was causing me to be sex-repulsed, which manifested in anxiety and panic attacks whenever sex was initiated. I have a good connection with my current male partner, and our sex life has been great. However, I’m more attracted to women, and while I watch porn sometimes and enjoy it for what it is, I tend to focus entirely on the women, and just hope the men are as unintrusive as possible.

A couple of days back, my partner and I tried watching porn together to see if it would do anything for our sex life. While the porn was great and turned me on, whenever my partner touched me, I immediately shrank back and then after awhile, had to leave entirely because I needed personal space and couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. I love him very much, but the reaction felt very similar to when I slept with people I didn’t have an emotional connection with, and it was like my brain reverted to that same repulsion. It took me a couple of hours to be okay touching my partner again, but anytime he touches me and I remember what happened, I anxious twitch involuntarily.

My hypothesis is it’s either the demisexuality or the gender preference at work here. Either:

1. My preference for women’s bodies and distaste for watching men in porn resulted in me being temporarily repulsed by my partner; or

2. Something about the casual/detached nature of porn put me back in the headspace of having sex with someone I felt nothing for, and my partner’s touch triggered those feelings of anxiety.

Can’t figure it out, and would appreciate if anyone has similar or adjacent experiences to share that could help me understand it better! For now, my partner and I have agreed not to watch porn together.

I’m sure I am demisexual / demiromantic. I’m an introvert as well. If it wasn’t for the few friends I do have and the dance/yoga studio I regularly attend I probably would never leave my home unless it’s for work or necessities. So…there is that. However, I have this tendency to sometime develop crushes on my married friends after I slowly get to know them. I never say anything though. Even if one of them is poly (which I’m not even sure I am anyway) I feel it would be wildly inappropriate to tell them. I feel like that’s a boundary I shouldn’t cross. I’m not crying over this or anything but it does kind of suck. The occasional interactions I have with these friends are always lovely but I am ready to be over these crushes. Has this ever happened to any of you? It would be nice to develop feelings for someone who is actually single. Dating in general is already so hard, it feels like a job. I absolutely refuse to get on a dating app again. My only option is meeting other queer women out in the “wild” which isn’t impossible but not easy for me either.

I just watch videos where they hump while wearing clothes.

It makes me feel so excited.

But then the nude part just idk it feels like im looking at blood or violence.

As the title says. I’m a demisexual with a very high libido, and it’s making me really depressed. I feel like I can never trust anyone to respect my wishes of getting to know each other. I can’t have sex as I need attraction to have it, or else I’m just so uncomfortable.

Sex/sex talk too quickly destroys what ever attraction I would have with someone and it just feels like I don’t think I’ll find someone who wants the same thing and not seeing constant sex as a must in a relationship in the beginning of it.

I don’t know if it’s because of my past experiences, the recent one being a guy that was being too pushy with me and sex, but he was the reason how I found out I was demi- but I don’t know. I guess I also have trust issuses now with people not respecting my wishes because I was clear to them that I want to take things slow and that you will have to wait for me to want to have sex to see if the spark is there. I told him that if that’s not a vibe to please move on from me and I wouldn’t be hurt but he insisted it was ok… well the entire time he kept trying to make moves on me and such. I don’t know.

I wish I was allosexual a lot and I feel awful that this is what I wish for instead of accepting who I am.

Have you ever managed to connect with a person from the past in the future again? An ending that was amicable.

For me, sexual attraction starts in the mind and builds long before it becomes physical. Just because we're together or have a connection doesn’t automatically ignite that spark. It needs to be cultivated—through conversation, imagination, and creating that tension that makes me crave it before it ever happens. Talk to me about it and let my mind wander. That mental buildup is everything.

But if you skip that step, if you try to jump straight into intimacy without laying the groundwork—it’s over. Once the order is messed up, the attraction is gone, and no second chance can fix it, no matter how hard you try the second time. It’s all about the thrill of the mind making the body follow.

Okay i might just be overthinking this but! If i meet new people that are allo in diffrent social grup settings(not romantic settings) i sometimes get the question if i am in a relationship or not. I assume they are friendly, and just curious. But the problem is i am not 100% sure about these things..... when i go to ask them first or after they ask me... i am afried to give them fals vibes or whatever.... so the question is 'is there a etiquette to this, or more a right way? And how should you ask to seem friendly?

Monthly discussion thread. A place where you can discuss random things that might only tenuously be related to demisexuality or share experiences. Chat away

Posts otherwise not allowed such as adverts are permitted in discussion threads.

Guys, I don't easily feel attracted to someone .... And it's hard to carry conversation without aswell as I get bored very quick too!

Is this like normal?

Secondly, you guys get boner even if you are not into someone emotionally cuz I do! But I don't want to initiate

I'm a 23 year old straight male and have never had a crush at all in my life. Until I was looking on Facebook, that I don't normally do, and saw a girl I was at primary school with had posted a new profile picture. I immediately had all these feelings for her even though I haven't seen her for 12 years, and had completely forgotten about her. It's really strange and doesn't make sense to me how I can feel so much for her. We were close at primary school and the reason I think I'm attracted to her is because I knew her. It's not even her looks I'm really attracted to but more of a feeling thats hard to describe. Am I demisexual or something else.

Im a AFAB who identifies with being a bisexual, but then Ive only had one crush (who ive been friends with since pre-k). On the other hand, i do find both girls and boys attractive, but i dont think i would ever had sex with someone (im 100% a virgin), it makes my skin crawl, same with corn. But also I do have celebrity and fictional crushes, and i do read fanfic, and smut isnt repulsive to me. Its really confusing, and while maybe i shouldnt be so hard on myself and put a label on myself, i want to.

Just realised this may have something to do with my demisexuality. I hate porn, always have it’s just too much of a fantasy and unrealistic. Because of this I thought I was asexual but when I watch movies and they have r rated scenes I enjoy them much more. Maybe it’s because they actually have plot lines and we learn about the characters. I started talking to my allo friends about it recently too, they think more about the “action” while for me I have to start thinking about a whole plot line before and even the dialogue lmao to get somewhere.

I don't understand sneaky links, sexual situationships and Friends with benefits, i simply don't and it's ruining my mental health.

I'm 20, soon 21, in uni everyone is sleeping around or so it seems. It really gross me out, like, it's weird for me that they talk randomly about fucking someone they just me every other week.

I have one case that is so on My mind, a girl who have this fwb dinamic and choose someone month in month out, she choose one of My Friends one time and for how he talks about it, it's so weird to me i swear, it's like using them like toys and My friend was like: yeah she take to her house, then treat me like shit when i didnt want that anymore and then ghosted me, but that's how life is.

I'm so confused cause i don't see life like that at all and if someone did that to me i'll probably be something so hurtfull to me. I don't see intimacy as this vague thing people do sometimes with other people they find atractive.

I'm afraid i'm not ready for these kind of world, can't accepted it. It's worse when i realised i'm disgusted by this and anyone who has this life style cause it's just so out of mind for me that i can't truly connect with them.

I'm probably thinking it too much, i'm just venting. I wish in the future i see it in a diferent light but for now i feel so out of place, lonely and stupid.

(I have too sexual desires, i just can't imagine myself in her shoes, or in his position. Still confused about why not just masturbating but that's on me)

I went on a date for the first time. We held hands and I felt nothing. Not excited or annoyed or uncomfortable. Just...nothing. They were lovely and we plan to go out again. It just really solidified what I already knew: I'm very much Demi 😅

I definitely chuckled😆

I am 26M in a fully open same-sex relationship of one year. I have competing desires of wanting to have sex more often with other people vs I want sex to be fulfilling (necessitating an emotional connection). Making friends is difficult enough, but also trying to build a connection that isn’t founded on sex but leaves it open as one of the possible outcomes seems impossible. This is complicated further by the dynamics of queer male interaction; for many having sex is as simple and common as a handshake. Some people don’t bother getting to know you if they can’t get in your pants first. I engaged in a high amount (to me) of casual sex this year and was left wanting. Experiences were only positive if the sex was really good or if the pillow talk was, and even then I have made friends that I mess around with but it’s sporadic and seldom. I like ENM and being able to meet other people, but being demi/somewhere on the graysexual spectrum while also primarily pursuing same sex partners proves challenging. I would love to hear of other experiences and perspectives, ENM or not.

Hi, I'm a 30 year old female and dated a guy for about month. We soon discovered that we had different emotional needs. When I brought up that pursuing this relationship seems pointless to me he asked if I wanted to stay friends. To me it seemed a bad idea at the moment, but I wanted to give a shot. We still see each other but about one in a month within or without a group of mates. I'm happy when I see him but even if I it slowly fades I'm still attracted to him. So I wonder if it's a good idea to keep contact.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently but I don't find the act of sex very pleasurable. All of the pleasure for me comes from the physical intimacy of whoever I'm with and feeling comfortable and vulnerable enough to have sex. The physical part is not enjoyable for me and it makes me feel weird.

For me, and all of my life (I'm AMAB) orgasming has just been a release and not enjoyable. Physical sex or stimulation FEELS good, it's just a means to an end which always ends up feeling shitty too.

I was just wondering if anyone can relate and has a way to work through/feel less weird.

As I’m sure this isn’t new for many in this community, finding friends has not been the easiest for me. (29m Canada)

One of my hobbies is gaming, namely console but I have a PC too. Any of yall interested in gaming together?

EDIT: Here’s my gamer tag (PS5, switch and most online games): airbrutus

Earlier in the convo we had discussed demi-sexuality and he was enthusiastic about being friends first. He even wrote he preferred it that way. Then a bit later, "Need massages?"

I know a lot of people who aren't demi-sexual wouldn't mind this type of message at all!

I'm not trying to blame him, but just.. you know.

Other people who are also chronically ill would expect a bit more empathic answer too - Usually I get a thoughtful reply with other people, thankfully. The timing/ context to offer a massage was a bit wrong, imo.

I shouldn't even try online dating at this point. My bad! I have 2 major blockages:

1. I'm chronically ill
2. I'm demi-sexual

I have a lot of other things going for me, my looks, personality, hobbies.. But most men don't even bother reading profiles, like you and proceed to pretend to understand demi-sexuality while chatting.. until they don't.

Yesterday I was talking to a guy who was even more supportive of the demi-sexuality aspect. He said he was ' a traditional man', loved going slow and preferred to form a bond first. WITHIN THE SAME DAY he texted me 'How do you feel about friends with benefits? We could try that while taking it slow' ... He clearly didn't get it or just tried to change my mind.

This is my 2nd full day on dating apps and I'm feeling overwhelmed already. Luckily, I love being single and have been so calm, happy and content this last year! (Was in a 5+ year serious longterm relationship before this year so it had been ages since I made an account)

(Also please don't mind my English in this text or in the screenshot. I'm in Belgium, English isn't my first language, I was talking to this French guy)

I notice that it takes me a long time to trust friends enough to engage in sexual innuendo/joking or to even talk to them about sex/my sex life. It’s almost like once i’m sure they’re not flirting or interested I’m comfortable opening up in that way. I hope this makes sense.

I never got the attraction to it, always felt super weird to look at strangers like that for me. Once i learned the dark underbelly of the industry I got scared of it too lol. But never found it attractive if anything I just get uncomfortable... Funny thing is though if I'm with someone I have a deep conection with my sex drive is super high for them?? Like with my fiance I'm good never looked at anyone then him, in fact when i learned most people base getting togather off of just looks first was super wild to me, or it being a really important factor anyway. Still understanding my demisexaulity still had no idea that's what i was intell this last year but it makes so much sense. 😭

I ask because most advice online says to basically stop interacting with the person. I'm hoping to find more people here who want to maintain a friendship after being romantically rejected.

So for context (and a mild vent). I've been friends with this girl for like 3 years at this point. We're very close, text every day and try to meet up every 2 weeks or so. Over the summer I confessed I wanted to explore a more romantic relationship with her, which she wasn't interested in. Usually this lack of interest from her would be enough to turn me off, but I'm still feeling very strong aesthetic and romantic attraction for her. It'll feel like its gone but then I'll look at her with a certain lighting or she'll be telling me about her day and I'll fall all over agin. I'm really struggling to move on.

Seeing as i don't want to cut contract, is waiting it out my best shot?

I have a harsh view in the dating world because of bad experiences, so please read it only if you feel ready, it's also my way of ranting about the world.

If a person really likes you and likes to spend time with you, and doesn't want anyone else in their life as their partner, then that person will choose you.

If a person decided that your connection is lost, then that literally means that person doesn't feel bad cutting the relationship with you.

The truth that hurts me the most is that probably that person feels secure in cutting off the relationship because they already have another option that they feel more comfortable with.

Why would someone cut off a relationship just like that and then say they really 'liked' you.

It may be my sad perception of the current dating world but I feel someone acting as they feel bad for cutting you off just so they can come back in case the other option doesn't work out feels like manipulation at it's finest. Like sorry I have to let you go but (if it doesn't work out with the other person) maybe we can try again a later time...

I know reading this may make some people feel bad but I think sometimes understanding this harsh truth is better rather than just trying to figure out what you did right or wrong for months and months. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not personal, that person just prefers another person and that's it.

Some people make decisions based on temporary impulses or emotions and I don't think that's ok, and I think that's why the current dating world is so broken. People having lots of choices at the tip of their finger, discarding left and right like objects based on how they feel at the moment and on temporary impulses...

I don't think a rollercoaster of emotions is love, but I think many people confuse it as it being love.

The insecurities, anxieties, waiting until the other person responds, being left on read and so on... If a person treats you a certain way and you feel bad or good emotions, it's not love, those are just emotions caused by the behaviour of another person. Just because a person can make you feel emotions, doesn't mean it's love.

Love is not how that person makes you feel, feelings are the ancestral way of our body telling us what is good and bad, but as you can see in the world, they can be manipulated very easily.

Like ads showing you tasty burgers making you feel hungry. Movies writing a compelling story making you feel sad or happy... There is a thought process behind that, and that is literally manipulation. It's literally thinking in what way they can show you a stimulus and make you feel a certain way so that you can for example buy more burgers or watch more movies...

I wonder what would happen if people learn certain behaviours to manipulate others into 'falling in love' with them....

I think love is consciously choosing your partner each and every day, because you know them fully and accept them as they are. Not because of how they make you feel or how you make them feel, because feelings always change and can be manipulated, but if it's a conscious choice based on values and personality traits, then I think it is real love.

That's why I think being demi is so beautiful. You don't base your relationship based on feelings of infatuation and limerence, but rather it's based on a strong connection of many memories shared together, moments that made you get to know the personality and values of that person. And that's what you really fall in love with. With that person, how that person is, how that person interacts with the world around it, how that person shares the sames values as you (for example respect, kindness, thoughtfulness).

And that's what makes you want to kiss them, hug them, and be intimate with them.

In the end the feeling you get from choosing a person that aligns with your values and views of the world, that is love.

Hopefully reading this stinging truth wall of text helps you as it also helped me while writing it.

Thanks for reading till the end

Today my demisexual boyfriend and I ended our relationship after 11 months together. He told me that the connection was broken and that even though he really liked me, he couldn't continue our relationship. He said we could try again in the future. I miss you so much.

Hi! I'm Cristian. I'm planning to start estrogen treatment soon and am currently undergoing testosterone-blocking therapy. I'm looking for someone empathetic and fun to talk to, someone I can share thoughts with and ask for advice. Ideally, I'd love to connect with someone in a similar time zone (I'm from Romania) or even better, someone from Romania, so it's easier to sync our schedules. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my message—I can't wait to connect with you!

okay so im not very far in my life (freshan in highschool) and i have not once had a crush on anyone. ive dated and picked random people to have fake 'crushes' on, but i never really had feelings for them. im just really confused over this because most people i know are in relationships already or have a crush, so where's mine?? i had my first kiss with a guy because i couldnt bring myself to say no, and it felt like absolutely nothing. then after that i started contemplating if i was aromantic or lesbian. i feel like its too soon to say im aromantic, but whatever.

but to wind it back to the question: what does it really feel like to have a crush or actually love someone? people always say 'butterflies and electricity' but now it just sounds so cheesy that it's just a fictional way to describe it. i dont know. im just tweaking out right now.