Hello, I’m new to this stuff. I had just learned from a bud that he was confused about someone being Aroace AND gay. I sought to explain it to him but frankly I don’t know much about it myself. I found this subreddit and thought the best thing for me to do was to just ask y’all what that means to you. You don’t have to get personal if you don’t wish, I’d just like to learn more.

i'm aroace but have hella alterous attraction and so the emotional side of love is what i connect to the most. i'm currently trying to find more music that encapsulates the emotionality in loving others and am looking for songs that give you that sweet, soft, gentle, protected, at home feeling, or just anything that talks about opening up and being emotional and vulnerable with another person in a deep and loving way. it doesn't necessarily have to be love in a traditionally "romantic" sense either, it can also include love/emotion for friends or even humanity in general. bonus points if it can make me weep (you know when love is so pure and gentle and caring that it makes you want to cry lol?). extra bonus points if it has sapphic themes or is from a queer artist. all genres and languages welcome.

examples of the type of songs i am looking for:

• heaven is - kacey musgraves
• nothing to be scared of - kacey musgraves
• at home - jon bryant
• soft - babygirl
• forever and always - zeph
• by my side - the paper kites
• for all you give - the paper kites
• heart - sleeping at last
• going home - the aces
• (not) a love song - liang lawrence
• donne moi ton coeur - louane
• on brula - pomme
• never my love - the association
• our house - crosby, stills, nash, & young
• how sweet it is (to be loved by you) - james taylor
• good morning beautiful - steve holy
• deeper than the holler - randy travis

Basically I've recently realized I'm a little bit gay. Like 3-7%. I think the only crush I truly had was on a girl. And I can imagine myself in a qpr or maybe even dating a girl but not a guy. And it's led me to be super confused. The attraction I feel is so rare I can't tell what it is and like I have like aesthetic attraction but it's not only for girls and I'm getting a little overwhelmed learning about all the different types of attraction. I know I'm asexual but I can't tell if I'm demi or gray-romantic. Maybe Ive never experienced true romantic attraction. I can't tell if I really felt or feel romantically towards women or if I just want cuddles and forehead kisses because my love language is definitely touch.

Basically I can't tell if I'm angled or oriented.

Idk just confused a bit and feel like I just want to answer the inner question of "Am I lesbian or aroace?" With "both" and move on. Because honestly I'm not sure I have enough data to answer the angled or oriented question. But I don't know if thats invalidating to anyone who identifies as lesbian aroace or if it's a wrong way to use it. Either way outside of lgbtq spaces I'll probably just say queer.

This is kind of a vent and a post for advice, but leaning more towards advice

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I am openly bi (I own bisexual colored shoe laces and have told my family about it lol) but they don't know about me being aromantic or asexual. I know it's not some kind of foreign concept, but I don't think they'd understand it just by me simply explaining it as "I feel little to no romantic or sexual attraction," especially since it isn't every aroace persons experience and we live in a society that sort of feels like sex is heavily engrained in (at a young age, we're taught that we should settle down with a nice man some day and have kids)

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For a while now, my family, mostly my grandma and mom have mentioned me having kids some day or getting married and I keep telling them I don't want kids or marriage but they say. "you never know," (which like, yes I do know) and I think I'm ready to come out as aromantic/asexual, but I don't know the words to say. Does anyone have any advice? I could really appreciate it. Cause continously being pressured to have kids is annoying (my mom also has two other kids who could give her grandchildren some day. So why just me!!)

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Thank you

Hello, I am new here and was looking for some advice? I'm not sure what to flair this, which is why I'm going with advice.

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I am bi aroace. 25. I used to think I'm demiromantic, where I develop feelings after getting to know a person. But for some reason, my feelings fade away after. Which is why I recently got out of a year and a half long relationship with my ex girlfriend. She is probably the best person to exist and breaking up with her felt so sad, but I just didn't feel anything anymore. So it wouldn't be fair to stay with her if I no longer felt anything romantic...right??

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Moving on: There's this guy in my class, we can just refer to him as "Guy A",.

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Guy A is really, really cute and he has the most loving smile ever. I'm not sure what kind of feelings these are. I think I still do develop crushes, but I'm not exactly sure? Anyways. I really like Guy A. Not in a "I want to date/kiss him," type of way, not exactly anyways. But it's more like..I want to talk to him without getting nervous and awkward and maybe hang out with him in the library, or something. However I just can't talk to him somehow cause he's just so cute and it's frustrating. I am pretty sure this is some kind of crush, I just can't tell if it's romantic or maybe a squish?Or some other kind of feeling (maybe a mesh or something)

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Feelings are so confusing!

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Any advice would be appreciated. I'm also autistic, so feelings naturally are hard for me. I don't know if that's necessarily something worth noting, but I figured I'd add it just in case it may play a part.

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Thanks <3

I also said that “I guess I would choose the man because I’m straight” 💀💀

Can be canonically aro/ace-spec, non-aro/ace, people you headcanon as aro/ace, or just anyone else think has some moment that connects to your experience as an oriented aroace person.

Hey everyone, I've identified as aroace (sex repulsed and mostly romance repulsed) for years now, and I've only recently come across the idea of tertiary attraction and oriented aroaces.

While I know I don't HAVE to label myself in any particular way, I'd like to know other people's thoughts on what types of tertiary attraction I may be experiencing.

I'm starting to realize that I have a desire for a close one-on-one partnership, and it may slightly overlap into romantic territory, but it's mostly just a desire to be committed to someone, live with them, and maybe share a bed (but no sexy times). There might be a teeny bit of cuddling, hand holding, and kissing, but I really can't handle much of that stuff before I get overwhelmed. I believe ive just described queerplatonic, alterous, and slight sensual attraction?

But I also like the idea of operating in society in a very similar way to traditional romantic partnerships. Like we'd still refer to each other as boyfriends (I'm a trans guy and mostly feeling this desire with other guys but I might be pan-aligned), maybe go on dates, and maybe get platonically married? Is it ok to use the terms that are typically associated with romantic relationships?

My main issue is that I know so few aces, let alone aroaces, let alone sex repulsed aroaces. It feels soooo unlikely that I'd ever find someone who would want a similar setup to what I've just described. Like it feels like it might not even be worth exploring.

I recently met a guy I'm feeling this desire towards, and I think there's a chance he could also be attracted to guys, but it just feels so unlikely that he could also be aro/acespec and be down for the situation I've described, so I feel kinda hopeless about it (and he lives far away so it's not super easy to communicate).

So what do yall think? Is this a queerplatonic desire? Or something else I'm not aware of?

Thanks in advance!

Hey guys! It’s been super fun being here. I identity as Demiaroace and bisexual. I’m no longer oriented Aroace, but I loved being here while I felt I was. Bye y’all, thanks for being so accepting ❤️ I know I could still be here as I saw that you guys still accept Aroacespec but I just don’t feel like I should as it’s not my identity anymore and I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfy or anything ❤️ I will still read replies and stuff, but probably not anymore posts like these. I love y’all ❤️

Damn, after all these years I finally found out who I am and I am so glad for that! Still not 100% sure of course but I really have the feeling this must be it! Gotta read more stories from you, fellow oriented aroaces to not feel like I am alone!

Can't believe I was LGBT the whole time. Which left me to say one thing: Slay!!!

So, to preface, I've known I was aroace and have identified as such for nearly 3 years now. I'm very comfortable with this label and feel it represents me well. I've honestly never doubted my orientation ever since I found the label. I saw things about oriented aroaces here & there, but never really researched it too extensively, & I thought my sexuality was immovable by this point. I'm also on the aplatonic spectrum, although that I'm still doubting. I identify as quoiplatonic for the time being.

Now however, I'm beginning to question if I'm oriented aroace. I'm not the biggest fan of relationships & never have been, the few I've had have lasted less than 3 months because I ultimately just could not take it. However, I would say I feel drawn to people I've had relationships with in a different way than I do friends. Same with people I believed to have a "crush" in. I've found comfort in the obscurianal attraction label recently.

Then again, I'm not particularly notorious for figuring things out. I'm neurodivergent, so this may just be me not processing my feelings adequately, or something. Even if I do have some oriented aroace "tendencies", could I still identify as purely aroace? I'm not entirely comfortable getting rid of the label I've been so sure of for all my life. I'm also not relationship-positive at all..., I don't know. Quite confusing, truthfully.

I've known for a while now that I'm aroace, but just recently stumbled onto this new label. the official meaning is someone who "experiences a form of attraction that is neither romantic nor sexual, but is significant enough to warrant a place alongside their aroace orientation."

but what exactly is "significant enough"?

I enjoy cuddling, hugging, kissing, etc., and things that you would usually see in a romantic relationship with either genders but with platonic intentions, and I really want a QPR and live with them for the rest of my life. I want to connect deeply with people beyond just a normal friend, but not exactly romantic. is this "significant enough" for it to count as oriented aroace?

btw the oriented aroace flag is so pretty :)

Idk like, like, everytime i see a post about lesbian/gay/bi/pan/other aroace it aways goes like "how that works?/gen'' and it's aways one of two anwsers the first is "little to no attraction'' and the second is " if they were to date someone''. i wish that "tertiary attraction" was a more common anwser. idk just a thought

I just want a queer platonic partner so badlyyyyyyy sjfhdijdkfhdifn

Kind of a vent/advice post because I’ve been feeling down and out about this, new to reddit and never made a post before

I’m a 20m AroAce and am friends with a 20m & 20f couple who go to uni One of them I’ve been friends with for several years before he went to uni and the other I met through him when they met and became friends, half a year or so before they got together They’ve now moved in together halfway through their degrees (or whatever uni courses are called, I haven’t been to uni yet)

Shortly after visiting their new accommodations for the first time I realised I had in fact developed (alterous) feelings towards both of them, these are still fairly new and I’m struggling to cope

It’s going to be a bit before I can see them because uni and travel between cities makes it difficult but I’m going to come clean about it the 2nd time I next see them together, as I don’t like feeling like I’m deceiving them somehow or make them feel more uncomfortable down the line That and unfortunately these feelings seem like they wont go away without some sort of closure

But until that time comes I’m finding it hard to feel okay about the whole thing given realistically it’s gonna end in me getting my heart broken That and I feel guilty about forcing a potentially Very awkward situation on two friends I care a great deal for, platonically or otherwise

If anyone has some advice on how you deal with these kind of feelings while you can’t really do anything about it it would be greatly appreciated, even if your experience is quite a bit different than mine, it would be nice to not feel as isolated as I do in this as it’s tearing me up inside, thank you

Oh, I love the flag, I love the feeling I love how a can feel platonic atracction more stronger than others, I love everything about that.

if only I had that many irl

i’m a lesbian-oriented aroace. i find women very attractive, i desire cuddling and kissing with women and i want to be close to women. i don’t understand why i experience intense aesthetic, sensual and alterous attraction but not romantic and sexual attraction. i wish i’m just lesbian so i don’t have to explain to people what being an aroace lesbian means. does anyone here relate?

Feel free to share your story and discovery of being either hetero aroace,gay aroace, lesbian aroace,bi aroace,pan aroace,poly aroace,and Omni aroace

Hi, I’m fairly sure I’m aroace, although it’s taken me a while to accept my aromanticism. Before I came across the terms aromantic and asexual, I felt like all the things people talked about (crushes, finding people hot, etc etc) were exaggerated feelings - like, a ‘crush’ was just someone you liked as a friend, but people exaggerated that into a crush. I assumed that, like me, they were basing their knowledge of these terms on context and learning from films and societal standards.

It was as I made my way up the years at school and we started having talks on sexual offences, porn, stuff like that that I began to realise I wasn’t as interested in amatonormative relationships as everyone else. I realised these terms meant something entirely different to my peers as they did to me, who had inferred their meaning from context and got it quite wrong.

I hear a lot of aroaces on Reddit talking about how they are repulsed by romantic and sexual scenes in shows, but I haven’t found that to be the case. I actually find myself slightly interested in them, mainly to learn about how the rest of the world experience relationships and sex. It makes me feel like my asexuality isn’t as complete as other aroaces, and I find myself in a position now where I don’t know how I feel about sex or romance, because as I’ve tried to learn more about my experience and my sexuality, I’ve inadvertently blurred the lines between what is something I naturally feel, and what I have just learnt because I’ve tried to understand things when watching shows.

This is complicated by the fact that I know I do want a lifelong relationship at some point. Do any aroaces have a similar experience, or can they help me determine? Does being interested in scenes that are romantic or sexual overcome the feeling of not understanding typical views of attraction and relationships?

Hi, I’m in high school and have just recently ( in the past few months) discovered asexuality and then aromanticism. I identified with the term asexual almost immediately after i came across it and learnt what it is, but it’s taken me longer to accept my aromanticism.

I’ve always known I want a long term relationship, ( hence why it took me ages to identify with aro) but now that I think I’m aro, I don’t know how to differentiate between friendships and attraction, and so I don’t know what gender I am attracted to.

When i imagine my life, I imagine it with a guy. It feels like with a girl, it would never be anything more than friendship. Is this enough to know im straight, even though I don’t definitively know who I feel attraction to since I’ve never had a crush/squish/mesh?

i just wanted to talk about the pngs that represent specifics kinds of attraction, for example the aesthetic attraction one like, what we have, the most famous being more orange than pink and having to many stripes, others like, pan flag with black stripes, the weird flower one and a brownish pink one, i think its funny beacuse , the aesthetic attraction has mid flags, others like sensual or alterous less of a problem, but i think is funny beacuse sensual attraction is represented with orange and the most famous flag is purple and the most famous one alterous has no blue or blue is just no the focus color,

although i have to admit it mitgh be just me , idk, also i have to give credit to some flags for alterous attraction, there are some that are really pretty, and sensual attaction has ok flags

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do you guys have like, a tertiary attraction flag that you guys don't like or something?

van oriented aegoace describe someone who considers themselves another orientation because of being aego, cupio, ficto, anex, etc? or is it just a tertiary attraction thing.

Hey hey! Just found out abt this flag and the different branches it has, and it’s so confusing- I looked through some posts and tried to understand but uhh- nah- I can’t :3

Like I've seen people equate to a really close friendship or romantic friendship but it seems like they're having trouble understanding (not mad at them for not understanding btw)

Hello, I identify as lesbian-oriented aroace, am very kinky (without the sex bit, I am sex-repulsed) and find the idea of making out, etc, amazing itself.

What gets me confused is loving to feel arousal when it comes to making out without ever proceeding into having a sexual contact at all, it is purely non-sexual in itself, I do know that it can be considered as sensual attraction itself.

The thing though is that it can make me feel strong arousal, especially from specific kinks and I can want to be kinky as fuck with one friend that I trust but I would never want to have sex with her or anything.

The other thing is that I do want to touch boobs, play with them, mostly as stim toys and a way to arouse myself, the other person but... I still personally do not consider it sexual nor do I want to proceed into having a sexual act. Then, I am wondering if this itself can be considered as "sex" cause dear god do I not know how this whole sexual thing works besides "oh it involves genitals", which completely turns me off.

I just wanted to know if it didn't have to be sexual by nature and can exist without having anything to do with sexual attraction. I think I have answered my question but I do want your insights as well.