Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc): yes Kissing (mouth): yes Hand holding: yes Cuddling: yes Hugging: yes Other affectionate touching: yes Hugging in public: yes Cuddling in public: yes Kissing (forehead, cheek, etc) in public: yes Kissing (mouth) in public: maybe, depends if they like it. Hand holding in public: yes Other affectionate touch in public:  yes Eye gazing: yes Crying on: maybe Being cried on:  yes Massage (giving): yes Massage (receiving): if they want to Hair brushing (giving): yes Hair brushing (receiving): yes Nail painting (giving): yes Nail painting (receiving): yes Shaving (giving): yes Shaving (receiving): maybe, I’m ticklish Bathing together (with bathing suits): yes Bathing together (naked): yes Seeing my partner naked: yes My partner seeing me naked: yes Feeding my partner: yes Being fed by my partner: maybe Tickling (being tickled): yes Tickling (doing the tickling): yes Terms of endearment: yes Being called “best friend”: sure Being called “partner”: yes Being called romantically-coded words (boyfriend, girlfriend, etc): yes Me having other platonic partners: probably not My partner having other platonic partners: not sure Me having other romantic partners: no My partner having other romantic partners: no My partner doing romantic-coded things with someone else: not sure Me doing romantic-coded things with someone else: no My partner doing sexual things with someone else: pls don’t :( Me doing sexual things with someone else:  no Touching my partner sexually: if they are ok with it Being touched by my partner sexually: yes Having sex of any kind with my partner [specify if yes]: yes, any kind Sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]: yes but no bodily fluids or dubious substances Non-sexual kink with my partner [specify if yes]: that’s a thing? Sure I guess “Romantically coded” gifts (flowers, chocolates, etc): yes Dancing: yes Bed sharing (non-affectionate): yes Bed sharing (cuddling): yes Tucking my partner in: yes Being tucked in: yes Living together: yes [Platonic] marriage: yes Raising children together: probably not Having pets together: absolutely yes Other stipulations/concerns: chat, is this just a romantic relationship with a QPR label slapped on?

Idk how to explain it, but I just wanna have someone to do all the stereotypically romantic things with (go on movie dates, aquarium dates, park dates, etc.) but be nothing more than best friends. I just wish I could have a friend that liked all the things I liked so we could rant about them together, someone who I could just go to the store with and it would be near impossible to tell us apart from lovers or besties. I know this HAS to be some kind of tertiary attraction, but I really don’t know which and I’m having a hard time trying to figure it out. I think it could be alterous or a squish? I really don’t know how to express this feeling and I have no one to rant to this about, because I haven’t come out as aroace to anyone yet and they wouldn’t understand, considering (as far as I know) all of the people I know are allos :( (Sorry if anything’s worded badly, I’m bad at writing lol)

To participate you must be at least 18 years old and identify as a sexual minority.

The purpose of this research study is to examine factors that predict willingness to share personal information with others and experiences with stressful events related to sexual orientation. If you consent to participate in this study, you will be asked to provide a self-introduction, and answer a series of questions, including demographic questions, questions related to willingness to disclose information and questions related to stressful experiences.

The entire survey is estimated to take 30 minutes to complete and participation in this survey is completely voluntary. You will not receive compensation for participating in this study.

To begin, please click the URL link below.

Thank you!

Link to study

Principal Investigator: Jared Edge (jarededge@oakland.edu), Doctoral Candidate at Oakland University

Hello, everybody! Today, as many know, is the international coming out day, where people celebrate their identities and (some) come out to friends and family. I wanted to start off by saying that even if today you don't come out, it's perfectly fine and you're all valid <3. I too will not come out to anyone irl, but I wanted to celebrate my own way, so today I'm coming out to y'all: I'm a lesbian-oriented aroace, proud about it.

P.S. I think I'm going to post this in r/lgbt too, but wanted to post it here first cause I've seen very few posts here, and wanted to participate in some way. Sorry for the long ass text lol

So for a bit of background information…I’m intersex and my variation has been known to lower someone’s sex drive so I always felt that I couldn’t accurately say whether I was ace or not because of that. Recently a friend and I had a big conversation about it and I decided aroace fits me, especially since I’m currently (happily) in a queer platonic relationship.

During my research, I found out about oriented aroace and I wanted to just come say hi…I’m still figuring everything out but I think I’m bi oriented aroace but heard a lot people saying that it was like…not for aspec people? So I guess I’m more just wondering if this is a label I’m allowed use as an aspec person who can but rarely feels sexual attraction?

Posting here for the second time because I feel I didn’t word everything correctly last time. For some background info, I am a genderfluid person that is mainly on the feminine side of the spectrum along with agender, non-binary, etc. I have known I am aroace for about 4 years now, but have never quite questioned further. From my knowledge, I feel platonic, aesthetic and emotional attraction but I’m not too sure about anything else. Just to set it straight, I do not feel the need or desire to date anyone, and I’m actually quite repulsed from the idea of myself ever dating someone in any shape or form. But, I find women and fem presenting people attractive looking, like in the sense of aesthetic attraction since I don’t really know how to word it. I’m not sure if there’s a label for this I don’t know, or if I’m just a rare first occurrence for this (I doubt it). I’ve seen aesthetic oriented aroace flags and I’ve seen sapphic oriented aroace flags (I feel this one is closer to me), but I’m not sure if they’re correct or not as they feel kinda wrong. If anyone else feels like this or knows what it’s called, I would like to know. (The photo is a picture of a aesthetic oriented aroace flag I found)

I (cis woman) recently realised that I'm aspec, specifically aegosexual and probably aegoromantic too. I used to think I was bi and had "crushes" on many people, especially at 13-16 years old (first was at 13). Then I didn't have any for a few years and again started having them a couple of years ago, but the feelings are milder.

The thing is, almost all of my "crushes" were mostly aesthetic, as I've now realised. (I think there were/are other tertiary attractions too and like "vibes".) I never wanted to actually date any of them, and didn't even care about many as people/didn't find their personality attractive. But I got this feeling when I saw them, like a whoosh or kind of similar to when you suddenly recognise a person you know and didn't expect to see. And they had this kind of special aura to them. I'm never nervous around these "crushes" or try to look better than I am. I reasoned that if I couldn't see us in a relationship, it wasn't worth it to even try so I always immediately "gave up". (This is why I never really got jealous if my "crush" already had someone.) I thought I just hadn't had a strong enough crush yet. I never told anyone about these crushes (except once when directly asked) because I thought it would be embarrassing and I didn't want the crush to know or to get teased about it. (Now I have told my family though, when I came out.) Maybe it was a way to avoid getting peer pressured into doing something, who knows.🤷 I used to think that I didn't have a gf/bf because I didn't try hard enough or do anything ever, but I'd rather be alone than in a relationship I didn't like.

My first "crush" was a boy so of course I thought "this must be a crush" and assumed I was straight. I did know about homo- and bisexuality and I wanted to be bi (cause more options, more "fair", interesting etc). I'm into dancing and still go to dance classes. My first girl "crush" was my dance friend who was really good at dancing. I just liked to watch her dance, and I got that same feeling I got from my other "crushes". I was like "could this really be true?? Could I be bi like I wanted? I'm so lucky!!" I didn't really care about her as a person though. I remember sitting next to her in a bus (we lived quite close) and forcing a smile. I should be happy to sit next to a crush right? She didn't talk much so I just listened to music.

I used to think aesthetic attraction meant that you get attracted to all conventionally attractive people but in my case the person looked beautiful to ME for whatever reason and I didn't get attracted to every beautiful person like that.

Now we get to the part where I'm questioning if it was/is romantic or alterous attraction. There is one person who I had a stronger "crush" on than anyone else (another one came pretty close but kind of got overshadowed maybe). Whenever I want to compare my experiences to some romantic story, I think about her. So she is also one of my dance friends, really good at dancing, also very beautiful. But this time I also really liked her personality and was happy just talking to her. I remember having that aesthetic attraction kind of "knowing" that I could develop a crush to this person. And I was certain it was a crush when one time she was leaving and said something like "Bye [my name]" and I got a feeling in my heart. I think part of why I like her is that she pays attention to me and laughs at my jokes.

The problem is that she is 10 years older than me so again I thought "this wouldn't work anyway". And obviously she is a woman and I'm a woman so it's unlikely she would like me back even if we were the same age. No idea about her sexuality (she is single and I don't think she has had any romantic partner at least that I know of, so she could even be aspec I guess).

I just always felt that it wasn't enough. I was so excited to see her and disappointed when I had to go home. I sometimes cried in the bus or in bed because I knew it could never work and I couldn't get what I wanted (still not sure what that is exactly). I used to think, if she was just younger and gay and so on. But I'm not sure if what I wanted was a romantic relationship (what even is that?). I kind of assumed that had to be it because that's what you want with crushes right? I often thought that if I could just be closer friends that would be better than nothing, I wanted to hang out with her outside of dance class but never asked because I thought it would be weird. I absolutely don't want her to know how I feel but at the same time I do. I love the feeling I get when she smiles at me and sometimes I feel like I want to touch her skin. I want to watch her dance. I don't think I would want to kiss her, or I've never had the urge to do so (except once but that was more of an intrusive thought, probably). Also no sexual attraction obviously, maybe a little mirous though?

As you may have guessed, I still have some feelings for her after almost 6 years but they are a lot milder. They used to fluctuate a bit and nowadays she almost seems normal to me. Part of the feelings is definitely just memories of how it used to feel but I know I still like her a lot as a person. I actually moved to another city so I see her like max 2 times a month now.

She was the last "proper crush" I had. Nothing has come close to that or the other "crushes" I had at 13-15. Maybe it has something to do with teenage hormones. When I watched Heartstopper a few years ago, I got the same feeling again, just not directed at anyone. I was like "oh yeah, this is what a crush felt like". And Heartstopper is a romance so...?

One interesting thing is that the gender I mostly have "crushes" on has shifted from men to women, slowly over the years. In fictional ships I prefer mlm though, but that's probably at least partially an aego thing... I also never ship myself with fictional characters but I can have aesthetic (and some other types of) attraction towards them.

Most times I know if I have or could have a crush on someone just by looking at them or on the first times I meet them. This among other things makes me think my main attraction type is aesthetic. All my recent crushes definitely couldn't be called romantic, at most alterous, so at this point in my life it makes the most sense to me to identify as bi-oriented aroace. I just kind of wonder if that crush I described could be romantic. I guess it doesn't really matter but I'm so confused by what romantic attraction even is (like many people here seem to be, maybe this post wasn't a good idea lol). I want to know your opinion and if you relate to what I described. I also just wanted to get this out there.

Thanks for reading! I have a tendency to make long posts (sorry) but I wanted to get as many details as possible because this attraction stuff is so complicated😵‍💫. I never knew that oriented aroace was an option (and a nice flag too!).

I have known I am aroace for many years now, but I’m still a bit confused on how to label myself. I found this subreddit while researching, so I hope you guys can help me. I am a gender fluid person, mainly on the feminine side of the spectrum, while also feeling nonbinary and agender, etc. I feel platonic and aesthetic (from my knowledge) I am not sure about much else as I have avoid all that since it confuses me a lot, but I feel very sapphic with my attraction. I don’t want to date people or anything like that, but I mainly find women and feminine presenting people attractive looking. I’m not sure what this is called, as I’ve seen a ‘aesthetic oriented aroace’ flag, and a ‘sapphic oriented aroace’ flag, but I’m not sure if they feel right. Does anyone feel a similar way or know what this might be? (Apologies for any bad wording, I’m really tired at the moment and I’m too lazy to go back and fix anything)

Hi I'm new here (on reddit and on this community) so pls tell me if I break any rules or use any terms wrong

Recently I've been really struggling to find out about who I'm attracted to. Like I know for years that I'm asexual and aromantic, but I guess I do feel aesthetic and maybe sensual and platonic attraction, I just don't get to who this is oriented to, if that makes any sense...

I'm 20F, never had any type of relationship with women or non-binary but I find them generally super cute and can imagine living a life with them, I just don't know if I do really feel some attraction or I'm just imagining it, since I've never felt that to a specific person before.

I've already kissed some guys but I never felt anything about it, it's boring idk. I can somehow imagine living with a man but it's just not so comfortable or "magical", even tho that's what I've been expecting my whole life (heteronormative society yk). I'm almost sure I feel aesthetic attraction to them, but in the moment I try doing something about it, it just sucks, so idk if my attraction is really something.

Can someone relate to that? Any advices on how to understand myself?

So I usually don't do this but I need a little advice. A little under a year ago, I left a friend group because I was feeling burnt out and underappreciated. But mostly, I hated how they refused to be honest with one another and honor boundaries.

The only regret I have over leaving is the way I handled saying to goodbye to one of them, and this is who this post is about.

I first met this friend in a physics class where I somehow ended up in a conversation with her talking about sonic. I don't remember how I started talking to her because I might have been dissociating, but I can't be sure. All I do remember is her genuine interest in my dumb rambling and thinking,"I want to know this person better."

It wasn't romantic but it was definitely not platonic. Looking back, the level of interest I held for her was pretty insane, because my neurodivergency often meant I didn't care too much for people. I found out she had a group of friends and had known them for 8 years so I took the hint and respected that she was more close to her friends than me.

But slowly, we began to become closer. She introduced me to aromanticism, and asexuality and it was so cool to know of this concept, as someone who was raised in a religious household. She talked to me about games and media and I talked to her about my cartoons and it's so cheesy to say this, but we were in sync. Or at least I think we were. Now to get to the main point, in my burnt out-mess, I blocked everyone from my past friend group because I had tried communicating with them and they had insulted and that friend that I cared for, didn't say a word.

I felt betrayed. How could she have not said anything? I was overwhelmed by so much emotion that I failed to consider how she felt. She was made to feel like she had to choose , between her friend of a year, and her friends of 8 years.

It took some reflection to realize that considering how non confrontational she was, it was probably unfair of me to ask her to do anything. Because the thing about her is, she's a really kind person. She's so kind that she lets her friend walk over her.

And it sucks because I know she'd have a better time with friends who actually cared enough to support her and each other.

It was only after this that i researched and learned that I was aromantic and that my feelings for her were alterous. I just didn't know such a feeling could exist. A weird, intense feeling of love that doesn't fit the rules of platonic friendships, but wasn't romantic at all.

I still miss her. And it's pathetic and weird but I just feel like she was so perfect for me, and these feelings I felt for her can't be replaced just because I want to feel that sort of connection again.

Every time I meet someone with the same demneaor as her, I miss her. Every time I hear a laugh, I miss her.

And I can't talk to her because the ex friend group all hated me and she's still friends with them. I just wish I had a chance to say how much she meant to me without them in the way.

I wish I could tell her that I still look for her in everyone that I meet, but I've never met anyone like her no matter how hard I try.

I just want her to know i care. And I wanted to apologize for leaving, even if I had to. I want her to know that I'm proud of her and I care so much.

I still have her socials but she's still friends with them. Would it be dumb to do anything? To say anything?

Update: She saw my long vulnerable text messages about how I loved her.

She hasn't been online since I texted her but I'm kinda glad I let it out. I got some closure so I'll try to move on.

Hey everyone!

I've been identifying as aspec for going on 4 years now, it's been a big thing for me. I've tried to avoid micro-labels because I didn't want to overthink myself, although I did look into them a little. I found this label and I thought it described myself pretty accurately, which is the best any label can do.

The label that I think fairly accurately describes me is hetero-oriented aroace. I definitely feel something about women that I don't feel about men, I don't know if it's attraction or envy or a mix of both but it's not something I feel toward men equally. Don't get me wrong, I can think some men are attractive and have my own opinions on that, and I don't particularly want to date or sleep with anyone of any gender, but there's still something that leans toward women rather than men.

Which is all fine and dandy, except for the glaring issue that I'm a man. And so I feel trapped in this in-between of straight man and aroace, and it's quite an uncomfortable place to be. I don't particularly relate to straight men, but I also feel intrusive and out of place in LGBTQ+ groups I'm part of. It's like I'm The Hulk - people see the aroace Bruce Banner side, and I feel like I'm hiding that extra hetero- Hulk side.

I also don't like having this attraction or whatever to women. It feels bad. I don't particularly enjoy feeling like Andrew Tate, I don't enjoy knowing I'm the same as every abusive husband. When some of my women or NB friends express attraction to women, it feels different, it feels less gross than whatever I'm feeling. That's why I feel out of place in LGBTQ+ groups, because I'm a man attracted to women and they're the people that hurt these people!

So yeah, I suspect there will be at least one other male hetero-oriented aroace in the sub so I thought I'd ask. Thanks for reading!

I have OCD so this is feeling is amplified and the main reason i feel this way, but i was wondering im completely alone in this? So im currently studying a bit on romance and have a qp girlfriend. I almost feel like discovering what i like and figuring out tertiary attraction makes me fear it's just another way of talking about romantic attraction. I even find myself getting nervous around my girlfriend, despite it being a bad nervous there's always that "what if?". Idk, what do you guys think?

I currently have a crush (squish, that is qplatonic crush but I don't like the word) on someone, and it's just too much to just keep it to myself. So I had decided a week ago to tell one of my very close friends abt it, explaining everything and SPECIFICALLY and REPEATEDLY explaining that what I feel isn't romantic. They surprisingly accepted it (they don't really take out the time to understand the lgbtq+ community) and I had a bit of a suspicion on this, but still everyday I continued to give updates.

Today, we had a small argument kind of thing for unclear communication and in the middle of it, quote unquote they threatened to tell everyone that I desire a romantic relationship with my aforementioned crush. My blood BOILED. Even after trying my best to explain and explicitly telling them that I don't desire anything romantic, they still assumed that I wanted one. I stopped myself from attacking them and just told them that nothing was going on now and wrote it off.

This is my third friend I told this, and the third time I sighed and ended sharing my love life with my friends.

Do we not even have an accepting space to share the way we love someone? It's as hard for me to not share it with anyone as it is for any allo.

I'm not sure what a crush looks like outside of the context of romantic and/or sexual attraction. How do you know that you have a crush (or squish?) and don't want to be friends with them specifically? Or do the feelings feel the same? I understand it for people who are asexual or aromantic but am not sure what that looks like when they overlap.

Haha… help. I’ve been looking for a queerplatonic partner. I tried downloading a bunch of dating apps as an experiment, but it’s been rough out here. I like the concept of AceApp the best so far (it’s a platform just for ace-spec folks, and you can indicate if you’re looking for a relationship or friendship or both), but the app is just so buggy. Sometimes, finding a QPR feels impossible, and I’m afraid I’ll never find someone. I’ve just been feeling kind of sad and bummed out about it 🥲

Does kinks(eg bdsm )come under tertiary attraction or are they completely seperate thing?

I just want to know

to those who have oriented aroace flag merch, especially the big one, where did you get that??? I want to have one too but I can't find any online shop selling an oriented aroace flag that I can hang on my wall. :(((

I just found that I've been oriented aroace since I was young, and I've been experiencing alterous attraction to my friends, I thought it's was romantic attraction, I'm relieved to find it out. Nice to meet you all.

I've only realized that I'm aroace somewhat recently and have been sorting things out. Before I came to terms with being aroace I kept stubbornly holding on to being hetro. So when I did accept being aroace I thought I was hetro oriented but quickly realized that was not the case. When learning about QPR I found that I am only hetro oriented when it comes to visual attraction. Visual attraction is probably my weakest and that in every other kind of tertiary attraction I am bi.

Ps. This is my first time posting on this sub and have barely talked on related subs so lmk if I got any terms wrong or worded something weirdly

I’m not pursuing them for a qpr bc they’re busy w college. But it was nice to see an aro pin on their backpack :)

I listened to a song earlier today and I had fantasy of myself and another woman. Not sexually, but romantically, therefore I may not be aegoromantic but also not oriented aroace as well. It’s been great being in this subreddit. I may as well be asexual sapphic, as I’m also gendervoid/agender.

Nice to meet you

For several years, I (F28) have defined myself as aromantic asexual. In fact, I have never had the slightest romantic/sexual relationship, since I have never shown any interest in it.

But for about a year, I have felt a certain curious desire to date someone (emotional and physical).

I am absolutely certain that I am not interested in guys. On the other hand, the idea of ​​having a relationship with a girl is already much less disturbing. Even a non-binary person. But since I have never been in love with anyone, I cannot be sure about it.

I regularly find very beautiful girls (especially those who look androgynous), but I don't know if it is attraction (as they are often random people in streets, I don't speak to them so as not to annoy them).

So I don't know how to be sure. I have a few LGBT+ people around me, even though they are not necessarily close friends I can't really discuss it with them. So I don't have the opportunity to go to queer places without being seen as a tourist (except for this year's Pride which was my first).

What can I do without annoying people who are there for serious reasons and not to "serve as an experience" for others?

I had a queer platonic relationship with someone that lasted about a month. I'm aroace, aplatonic, and gay (I'm attracted to masculinity and androgyny). I was attracted to this person, and thought that they were a masculine girl (they called themselves a girl (but later revealed that they don't really feel like they have a gender, and prefer they/them pronouns (which is valid))).

I got into the relationship because I wasn't getting my needs met in another relationship I'm in (my boyfriend didn't show me much affection). so basically, I got into the relationship cause I wanted affection. I was transparent about this

I kinda felt grossed out in the relationship. As in, I didn't want to be too close to the person. I even made a list of boundaries where some of my boundaries even were about not sharing spit, not having our faces be too close together, I don't want to smell their breath, etc.

I wanted to stay in the relationship, and I still wanted the affection, but also at the same time, I didn't want to be too close to the person, and I was acutely aware of their flaws

When we first met, and I told them about what I wanted, and they were chill with it, I felt so many butterflies, and my mind was racing with fantasies. I was really happy, and I felt a bunch of hormones. It did calm down tho. I looked forward to talking to them, and we talked to each other a lot. It felt like we knew each other for multiple months instead of just a few weeks. This phase did die down tho, and I became more and more aware of their flaws

I'm not sure in what way I was attracted to them. I thought I was attracted in an alterous way to the person, but tbh, I think I may have been just attracted to the idea of the relationship or the idea of having affection

they're blocked now

I'm aroace, but also I feel aesthetic and alterous attraction to masculinity and androgyny. I don't really feel attraction to big buff guys, but I do feel attraction to guys who are androgynous but also somewhat masculine, and attraction to girls who are somewhat masculine.

I'm attracted to androgyny and masculinity

Can I call myself a gay aroace?