A support group for Redditors with lower libido than they (and/or their partner) would prefer.
A support group for Redditors who are coping with a lower libido than they (and/or their partner) would prefer. There are many different causes for lower sexual drive. The support group is specifically for people who are lower libido, to share their perspective, gain insight and knowledge, to share success stories, to find acceptance and community.
The forum is for people with low(er) libidos to share with other people with low libidos.
r/ResponsiveDesire - because "just do it" works for you
r/DeadBedroomsMD - meds, sickness, HL & LL safe, no "just leave" advice ever
This forum is not aimed at the high libido partner. We suggest people with high libidos seek feedback and give their advice on other forums. In general, comments from people who have higher libidos and do not offer support or sensitive and helpful suggestions will be removed without warning.
/r/LowLibidoCommunity
Everywhere I read online states having a low libido is a negative thing. But I view it as a positive one.
I've always had an above average sex drive up until two years ago. I had to start an anti anxiety medication due to my parents declining health. I was having daily panic attacks. The medication did WONDERS for my anxiety but killed my libido in the process. I do not struggle with ED but have no drive for sex or even to date.
At first, I thought it was a negative but quickly realized its a positive one. No longer am I being led around by my sex drive. I see a beautiful woman in public now and give it no second thought. I see pretty women online and swipe away. I no longer have lust and its incredibly freeing.
I've noticed I am more productive, happier, more at peace, energetic and confident since losing my drive. Without sex on my mind throughout the day, its removed the agenda and its allowed me to focus on other things. I was never a porn addict but did find myself checking in a couple times a week. Now that has completely stopped.
Strangely enough, woman now seem more interested in me. I think it's because they can sense my take it or leave it attitude. And they are right, I simply do not care to pursue, date and or score. In a sense, it has removed the power they have always subtly had over me.
If I get rejected after approaching, it does not effect me at all. If another man charms a woman over me, I don't care. It's like it removes the need, urge or drive to win or compete so to speak as I feel complete without them.
When you are not clouded by a womans sexy appearance, it allows you to see more easily the other things about her internally. Goals, personality, temperament etc. My sex drive has kept me in many wrong relationships throughout my life because the sex was good.
The only reason I may stop the medication one day is that without libido, the desire to date is not there and I do not wish to remain single my entire life. But for the time being, it's been an awesome couple years experiencing freedom from my libido. It really showed me how much daily control it had over me my entire life.
Anyways, I just thought I would share my personal experience with low libido and how honestly, I kind of never want to let it go.
Anyone else feel the same?
So, I love him and I think he’s incredibly attractive. But the sexual attraction for me is like weird… sometimes it’s there and sometimes it’s not. But when I read or think of scenario’s I can get turned on. Also if I’m not in the mood and he try’s to do anything to get me In the mood it simple doesn’t work…
I’m not sure why, and I feel so bad:/
Wishing everyone here strength tonight and tomorrow night as well. Holidays are always so difficult.
If they want good and/or more sex then why do so many HLs seem to make choices that have the exact opposite outcome?
Doing things like coercing, unwanted groping and sexual comments, forced cuddling, sulking/pouting, avoiding the other person when they're not "meeting your needs" or being bitter about not having sex are very common behaviors by the HL partner. Those behaviors only make the situation worse as they are all a huge turn off....so why do they act like that?
If they actually want things to improve, they should be focusing on nonsexual intimacy and care strongly about enthusiastic consent. They should want to be a safe partner. Having a partner who cares about enthusiastic consent would be far more of a turn on then one who exhibits the behaviors listed above and would be more likely to lead to a better, stronger relationship and more frequent sex....which is what they claim to want.
I already pretty much had a DB because my partner will never initiate anything, not even a long hug. He claims a HL which shocks me because he doesn’t even try. I had a baby this year and at about 7 months, he said no more intimacy, I didn’t realize this meant I didn’t even get greeted with a small kiss most of the time. It’s been around 9 months of nothing. My libido is gone, I can’t help but feel like my partner killed my libido. He touched my thigh once and I got so excited, then nothing happened. I honestly don’t see my libido coming back. It sort of feels like a betrayal of trust and lack of love has ruined everything. Sighs
I have an aversion to intimacy due to many years of abuse by my ex. Even though it's been almost 4 years since my divorce, I still haven't recovered from that aversion, which makes the idea of dating almost impossible because I'm scared of ending up in the same situation as I did with my ex.
Has anyone had much luck getting their libido back after an aversion? How did you do it? So far counseling/therapy hasn't helped.
I thought that it would eventually come back....but I'm starting to feel like my ex just plain broke it and it's gone.
Hello, I hope the final days of 2024 are good for you.
I have loitered in this forum for a while and have enjoyed hearing your views. I have always had a low libido - there is no childhood trauma that I know of, certainly nothing sexual, but I could easily never have sex ever again. I am married and have two children. I am acutely aware of the connection between exercise, eating well, sleeping well etc with mental health and I would say that in the past if I kept these in good stead I would have more of an interest in sex than if I didn't. But this would be increasing it from zero to perhaps once every three months of so. Recently, It has all gone. I have no interest. My wife is far from someone with a high libido but I know that she feels loved through having sex.... which is frustrating (speaking selfishly). Now, I cannot even watch people kissing on TV let alone do it myself. I adore my wife, but I have no desire to be intimate in any way - I actually would rather not.
I don't think there is anything wrong with me and I am reasonably comfortable in myself being this way. I do worry that it may cause issues in the near future though. There will be a comment or a mention soon, I can feel it coming, but i don't know how to square the two worlds. I welcome your thoughts.
This is a long story so please bear with me for a bit. I'm in a relationship for almost 12 years, the first actual relationship both for me (28F) and my partner (28M). Our sexual life was a bit rocky at first, because he would take long to come while I was inexperienced and long sex sessions would turn painful. Yet I would stand it for as long as I could, often letting my mind drift elsewhere to forget about the pain. I want to highlight he wouldn't force me into it, he'd stop as soon as I asked to, it was more of a me thing wanting to be a "good" girlfriend.
I started to take contraceptive pills and things only got worse. My libido was pretty much non-existent and we could go a month or two without sex. It took me years to relate the pills to my low libido and finally stop taking them.
A few months off the pills and we believed things were solved - but it was only temporary. It's been years and we've been trapped in a cycle of good sex -> bad sex -> no sex. From time to time I'd have duty sex until it felt good and the cycle restarted. One thing that I noticed was that even when we had "good sex" I was mentally checked out. I was usually fantasizing about a fanfic I had read or something of the sort. I was not present in the moment, and I think it highly relates to my experiences earlier in the relationship.
I started to crave something else, and every time I had to "check out" to feel something it made me the more frustrated. It's been months now and I have no desire to have sex at all. He'll touch me or make dirty jokes throughout the days and at some point I'll feel like I'm a bit into it and give in, just to regret it as soon as the action starts. He thinks at some point we will get to the next stage of the cycle as always, but from my point of view I'm getting more and more sex averse. I'm worried I'll end up becoming sex repulsed and it will be even harder, if not impossible, to turn back.
Does anyone have any suggestions to turn around the sex aversion? We have tried sensate focus exercises and I was hopeful, but he quit after the second time as he said he would get turned on and it was hard on him. I'm currently reading Come As You Are, I'm still in the first chapters and enjoying it so far.
I’ve noticed that whenever a guy tries to turn me on through text or sends a pic of there things kinda grosses me out or turns me off. Like don’t get me wrong I do like it but either when it’s my turn to send something or whatever I get grossed out and don’t end up sending anything and then I get ghosted. Or they try to intimidately flirt and I’m like instantly have the ick. I also feel like this has made a friendship drift away because I said I was interested and willing to explore but then I chicken out and don’t want to anymore. Maybe it is my self image but I feel like there’s something more.
Has this happened to anyone else? :/
Just a quick question because I find that helping my partners get off via ways other than sex brings me a lot of satisfaction, but I don't necessarily want to get off myself.
Is this something commonly encountered by us?
My partner (31M) is on a medication that lowers his libido significantly and we’ve struggled finding the happy medium where we both feel satisfied with out him feeling pressured and I don’t feel rejection if he turns down my gestures.
We have been together for 2 years and I love him more than anything. We have an amazing relationship and I feel close and intimate with him outside of having sex. I have had LL issues in the past and understand what it’s like to feel like you can’t meet your partners needs and I’d never want him to feel the way my ex’s have made me feel in previous relationships.
I’m looking for ways to softly explore arousal without the outcome being sex (unless he wants it to be 😉) he has told me that he wants me to communicate when I am interested in going to pound town but I have found that asking “are you in the mood tonight?” is a dull approach for me and we’d like to keep it more fun m, flirty and lighthearted.
I would like to avoid being blunt, i.e. walking around in lingerie or holding a kiss longer to physically make a hint that I’m feeling spicy. We both want to deepen our intimacy without the pressure of “traditional” progression where sex is the end result. We want to “build our vocabulary” before we write the essay, so to speak. Any suggestions that have worked or currently work for you?
The other night my husband went to bed before me and I was working in my computer room right next to our bedroom.
I overheard him tell her that he loves her very much, but he doesn't wanna make out with her.
HE GETS IT!!! 🤣🤣
I’ve been with my partner for a year and find him very attractive. We had a really regular sex life until about 4 months ago- I don’t know why, but I just don’t really want sex anymore. I think about sex with him and the thought is nice but when he says anything remotely sexy/flirty I just like, shut down. I feel myself getting really annoyed and not wanting sex physically. I haven’t felt desire or horny at all these few months. I’ve even tried watching porn and tried thinking about things I like and I just get nothing. I don’t wanna be the kind of person that doesn’t fuck (whatever that means) and I feel so embarrassed by it. I want to have sex. Sometimes I just kind of go with it and once I get passed the initial awkward part where I don’t want to, I end up always enjoying it. I just don’t know how to want it? I’m also worried that doing it when I don’t actually feel like it is bad and I don’t want it to make it worse in the long run. Note: I’ve seen a doctors and even an endocrine specialist and had hormone tests: nothing wrong. I don’t have sexual trauma, my partner is amazing and patient. I don’t think I’m stressed? I don’t know what to do. It’s making me sad. What should I do?
I no longer feel like having sex with my wife. No matter how much I try and put in the effort, I feel like my body just can’t keep up. I’ve tried Viagra, but it doesn’t agree with me. What do you recommend so I can regain that desire? I love my wife and find her attractive, but no matter how much I want to, my body isn’t helping me.
So I (24LL) want to also initiate sex and stuff with my wife(24HL) more often. Sometimes we talk and I know I’m not good at initiating and after the talk, I’ll do it a bit more and then I’ll slip back to not really initiating it.
How do I keep myself from slipping back to where I don’t really initiate? And it doesn’t have to be just for sex. I want to initiate times with toys too
Yoinked this article from r/PsychologyOfSex because I thought this sub might appreciate it. I know that in here it’s pretty “fork found in kitchen”, but having stats and data confirm what a lot of us have experienced is really nice. The most illuminating line from it, to me, is:
“Interestingly, a history of nonconsensual sexual experiences did not predict the frequency of other sexual motives, such as intimacy, pleasure, or self-affirmation. This suggests a unique relationship between trauma history and Duty Sex.”
Read the article here: https://www.psypost.org/women-with-sexual-trauma-histories-more-likely-to-engage-in-duty-sex/
And you can read the journal article here (paywalled, if anyone can find the full version lmk!): https://academic.oup.com/jsm/advance-article-abstract/doi/10.1093/jsxmed/qdae137/7867881
What the title says. I'm just so tired of it. The hounding, the whining, the blow ups. Everything.
We had another one of our "big conversations" a few weeks ago, the night before I had to go on a week-long work trip across the country. My first work trip ever that I was extremely anxious about, because duh, when else would we have time to talk about it?
During that conversation, I was told that my responsive desire was understood, but I still have a responsibility as a committed partner to "try".
The issue is that I DO try. Whenever I do, it's not good enough. Last night I tried to have sex. I was making a conscious effort to "try". I teased and we made out for maybe 30-45 minutes, but then out of nowhere, I started to get coaching on how to seduce them. I was getting questioned like "How do you tell me that you want to have sex?" and "What do you do next?"
I felt so infantilized. This isn't even the first time. It's always that I'm "too innocent" and "don't know what I'm doing", which isn't the case. My sexual confidence is just shot to the point to where I struggle to be sexy and initiate sex.
They also like to post on various subreddits talking about what they want "someone" to do to them, which I guess is supposed to be a sexy way to "connect with me". The stuff they post are things they know I'm not interested in, which is something I've told them before. Apparently, this is what I need coaching in. How to do things I don't want to do in order to please them lol. Not sure how else I'm supposed to take it.
I expressed that I didn't like or need the coaching, and the response was "I just want to feel desired."
Okay. Sorry for even trying I guess. Now I'm sitting here crying at work because I can't stop thinking about it. It's damn near daily at this point, and I'm so tired.
I (F) used to be HL before I underwent drastically weight loss and now I have become LL. I finally reached my goal weight and have been eating enough (my maintenance cals) so I expected my libido to increase. I’m never in the mood for sex anymore and my HL partner is getting worried because he doesn’t know the cause of the loss of libido. We used to do it like rabbits and now we do it once every 2-3 days. It’s bothering me a bit as well because I’ve noticed I’m also very drained recently. I refuse to gain any more weight because I worked so hard to lose it, maintaining is my best and only option. Does anyone have any advice?
I posted in here previously about the situation with my fiancé. I have a medical condition that flared up on Friday and almost hospitalized me, my mother had to come get me from work in the middle of the night and I was stuck in bed for the remainder of the day. On top of that I was on my period all week and sleep deprived from getting up with a teething baby all night (no, his dad does not assist with night time wake ups and throws a temper tantrum if I ask him to)
He has since posted about me on Reddit 3 times complaining about the lack of sex and how he’s “really struggling” with not getting his needs met. As if I’m not struggling by paying for everything myself, trying to maintain all our household duties, taking care of my child and my health, and on top of that my mental health is in disarray and the one person who is supposed to support me and be there for me can’t think of anything but sex. I’m so so tired of hearing about sex. I never want to be in another relationship again.
I have a been seeing a neurologist due to vertigo 24/7 that has lasted a whole year. Recently she switched my meds because I'm having headaches every day and I'm not sleeping well at all. My husband has been very cuddly and handsy lately, only to realize this man is just looking for sex...
I came home, he asks me how I'm feeling, you'd think he's concerned about me right? right?!. Nope. I told him I've been feeling like literal crap for DAYS, and this man tells me "oh... I was hoping I we were going to hit it off tonight since you always get so horny after your period". I was so upset. I'm sick with a medical condition with 0 improvements for a whole year and you're just here thinking about sex. I cried in the car this morning before coming to work (because even feeling like crap, I'm still working Monday to Saturday). I feel like I'm going to snap at some point and will need to be hospitalized and be left with some form of permanent damage from it. But this man? He just wants sex.
Hi everyone, I’m a 21 F and my entire life I’ve always had a very high libido. Ever since about 1.5 years ago I randomly stopped having a higher drive and now it’s pretty low. I don’t know why it really upsets me. I have been with my partner for a year and it’s affecting my relationship. He has a really high sex drive and it’s made it hard. It’s now a sore topic because I’m not meeting his sexual needs. I don’t even know why I am having this problem. It’s never been and issue and when I see my partner I think he’s very attractive but it’s just harder for me now. I’d also like to add when my libido was higher I was I was on hormonal birth control and now I’m not…could this be affecting this? Anyways just wanted some thoughts or ideas on how I can try to raise it again. I WANT to have sex but it’s hard for my body to get in the mood.
for years ive chosen my husbands happiness over mine. its gotten me nowhere. having so much unwanted sex, telling him no just to have him continue. begging him to be kind, when its only been a few days since we had sex. thats the only time hes happy and really nice. right after sex. never lasts more than a few days. he said he had a revelation, knowing he needs to change, be better, let me take my time to navigate my child sexual abuse trauma. heaven opened up for me when he said all this. finally!! he sees and will give me the patience and kindness ive been asking for! haha. give it 2 days, and hes back to his miserable self. well ya know what?? i wont let it bring me down! i feel so unaffected by his selfishness. his tantrums. my therapist said i have a child not a husband. worries ill become physically unwell if i continue this marriage. ive tried for years to make him happy, and im finally done! im choosing to be happy no matter what his miserable ass says or does! he doesnt respect me, and im finally realizing how much of a toll its taken on my happiness. fuck it!! maybe he is the cause of my low libido, and he wont give me the patience i need to reverse my aversion to him. sorry to rant im just seeing clearly for the first time in forever!!
So I (25F) and my bf *25M) have been dating for almost 5 years. When we first got together we were having sex ALOT. I mean every day pretty much. I have to contribute that to us being in the honeymoon phase and also not taking birth control. We are obviously past that stage and I've been on bc for years now. I've tried many different ones and I'm on the ring now. We don't have sex much anymore. Maybe like once a month if that. I'm trying to find new ways to help increase how much we have sex but I'm having trouble. Does anyone have any tips??? He says he doesn't care anymore and is used to this by now but I don't want to keep letting him down. ):
Sorry for long post!
My (29yof) and my husband (31yom) have been together about 7 years and married 2 years. When we first started dating we had a lot of great sex that was likely attributed to the novelty of the relationship and limited time together. We moved in together a couple of years later and I was also starting graduate school so I think the combination of stress from school and novelty being gone decreased my desire. My partner also had never lived on his own so I was having to teach (still am unfortunately) basic household & adulting tasks. At that point I was content having sex 1x/week but my partner is very HL and desires sex almost constantly. My libido continued to plummet as I felt more and more pressure to keep up with his libido. Fast forward to now and I have 0 sex drive even though life has settled down significantly. This has caused my already horrible anxiety to get worse as I feel like a horrible wife and can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. My husband tried to be understanding but every few months he’ll get upset after several weeks of no sex and it causes an argument. It’s to the point I get more anxious as more time goes on between our last time. I sometimes delay going to bed because it’s the same groping and asking if I want to have sex followed with a sigh when I say no EVERY night. I can tell the only reason he stays up asking me about my day is so he can transition into hopefully sex. We have tried scheduled sex which only added pressure. We’ve tried only letting me initiate which lasted maybe 1 week. The only solution he seems to prefer is me giving in even though I’m clearly not into it and I can’t even begin to figure out how that’s desirable to him.
Last night I asked him to at least stop asking every night because im never going to just out of the blue want sex. Tonight instead of asking he just proceeded with his regular groping. We got into an argument as I tried to explain that it makes me feel horrible thinking the only reason he stays up to talk to me at night is for a shot at sex. I also tried explaining how this puts pressure on me and makes sex feel like an obligation which only worsens my libido. He does not understand. Whined and said “guess we’ll have a sexless marriage”. I’m so frustrated. I can’t figure out how to explain to him that’s it’s not personal towards him and it’s causing me 10x more stress than him. I just wish I could want sex again.
I would love to discuss this book with some of my fellow LL peeps.
I love the IDEA of centering pleasure instead of desire. However.....big however.....
If I never really WANT pleasure, how am I supposed to center it?!
The cost of receiving pleasure, for me, is having focus on my body, maybe being naked/scantily clad, which I hate. It makes me uncomfortable and depressed....I don't like my body. I don't ever feel sexy or attractive, and it's not something easily changed (hoo boy, I have been trying for years).The only times I seem to be able to get past those feelings of discomfort is when I'm feeling sexually aroused/experiencing DESIRE..... but I very VERY rarely experience desire. Probably once every 4 to 6 months, randomly....I seemingly have no control over it.
So if I am not able to want sexual pleasure, or even to want to provide sexual pleasure to my partner, unless I'm feeling desire....then isn't desire actually important?!
Sigh.
I have read so many books on this topic, and they all are interesting and have helpful nuggets. But ultimately my issue is that I have no desire to engage in any kind of sex 99% of the time, and sex is important to my partner.
I can have an orgasm easily when in the mood. I can enjoy giving pleasure to a partner when in the mood. I can ignore or at least shove aside my body image issues when I'm in the mood. I HATE THAT I SEEM TO HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHEN I AM IN THE MOOD.
I understand that sex is important to my partner, and he is incredible. He works really hard not to pressure me; I pressure myself. He would do anything I wanted sexually, truly. He is an incredibly generous partner. And I don't want it. I just don't. I feel like a terrible partner.
If someone wrote a book that was like "how to turn your brain off entirely and let your body go through the motions of sex so you don't feel like a guilty piece of shit partner all the time" I would buy that in a heartbeat.
I am attracted to my partner, and he will be in my fantasies when I am alone. But my libido is mostly low when I see him and will get lower if we attempt sex, to the point where penetration is painful (vaginismus) and I can't stand any touching. I will get wet but I will not feel very aroused and touching is not pleasurable. I think the main cause is my anxiety, plus putting pressure on myself as we are long distance and I don't get to see him often.
I'm also wondering if anyone knows of a subreddit specifically for sex anxiety?
edit: I should mention, this is not specific to my current partner, I have had the same issues in past relationships and dating
My bf (21M) and I (23F) have been together for 2 years now. he is a wonderful and caring partner and he never makes me feel bad for not wanting to have sex often and has even said he’d be ok with us never having sex again if thats what i needed. i feel very lucky to have someone like this! but obviously i WANT to want to have sex but i just never get the urge or when i do feel “horny” its more just an urge to kiss him and tease him than actually have sex. the elephant in the room here is that sex has never really felt good for me. not bad or painful but it just feels like nothing. him fingering me feels like nothing and im literally numb to oral. so i do have this suspicion (maybe delusion) that if we could figure out how to make sex feel good for me then maybe my libido would be higher.
this might not really be the sub for this extreme tmi (tbh i probably need a sex therapist) but another added layer here is that i discovered masturbating as a very, very young child like age 4-5 and i would do it by humping a blanket. now at age 23 im basically incapable of orgasming without humping a blanket or at the very least squeezing smthn between my legs (its worked before with my bfs hand lol) but it takes a lot to get there with another person. i do still masturbate on my own pretty regularly but i cant even say that i feel super “horny” in those moments. my bf and i have tried to experiment as well and incorporate my process into our time together but nothing ever seems to work. i also have a lot of body issues and self hatred and i think that could be another reason why maybe i feel incapable of really ? relaxing and being present in the moment? i feel a very big disconnect between “brain horny” and “body horny” is how i explain it sometimes.
i just feel so lost on what even is the first step here other than just trying new things in the bedroom or whatever but its hard to even get to that point bc i dont want to have sex in the first place and my bf is super busy with school and work (im out of school and work part time) that he doesn’t seem to be in the mood often either. can anyone point me to any books perhaps specifically abt womens sexuality or something that could be helpful? idk i just feel hopeless about this and i love him so so much :(
I (26F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been together for over a year and lived together for about 4 months now. I am someone who struggles with low libido due to birth control and sexual trauma from a past relationship. He is very understanding of my needs and has never expressed having an issue with it, but I feel as though he does sometimes. I try not to reject him but when he directly asks me I will say “no” if I’m not feeling it and I rarely initiate. Recently, he has tried to be more experimental in the bedroom which has in turn made things worse for me. I don’t enjoy sex as much as I used to when we first got together and I don’t know how to express this to him without hurting his feelings or making him think that I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore.