My husband and I have been married 21 years, together 24. I am now 49, he is 58.

In year 4, husband had a stroke and couldn't really work. We are in Canada and he was self-employed so I took over as breadwinner - there are no benefits for him so he had no work unless he worked a couple of hours at a time. I have an okay job and he came into the marriage with a small house his mother bought for him. So I took over paying all the bills, etc. and making all the money.

We had no children, I did 80% of all the housework, etc. and worked. In the upcoming years we both gained a lot of weight due to stresses, etc. Due to the stroke and meds, PIV sex became pretty difficult and we moved to blow jobs only. I was uncomfortable with oral sex on me (he complained about the smell, once, and I was very affected). At the time, I would say I was LL and he was marginally higher.

Main issue here - when I recall our sex life, I remember it always being pretty limited. He would want it when I was half asleep or tired. He was always disinterested in PIV sex, which I preferred. I had severe adenomyosis which was undiagnosed until about 4 years ago. I had no idea the ways it made me LL.

His perspective, though - 'We had a great sex life. Then you became disinterested so it stopped.'

We moved to a nicer house, I still did all the work, etc. But his medical issues got worse and worse. I had to take over care of his mother and my own mother 75% of the time over COVID. Then he fell and has permanent sciatica that is not responding to any treatment. Bedroom became permanently dead; I became uninterested in even trying. I finally had a hysterectomy and over the past two years have become HL.

But... over the years of caregiving, or doing too much, or discovering things about myself, I have come to see my husband as a friend, someone I care for and take care of. I have zero desire for anything to happen between us, even though I am HL and wish wish wish I had a better outlet for it. I see physical intimacy as essential to a romantic partnership and he doesn't. I don't want to cuddle, I want to fuck. He wants cuddling - I see that as childish because I know it can't ever lead anywhere.

So.. all is good from his perspective. I spoke to him as clearly as I could about my feelings and he said I married him and its for better or worse, sickness and health. Because he dealt with my earlier disinterest, I should have no issue with his...

I am currently trying to sleep in a separate bedroom. Over the past two years I have dropped half of my weight, gotten healthy, and started taking as good care of myself as I can. He has gotten worse and worse and can do nothing really except play video games all day. I feel horrible for him - it's a terrible life...

But...

Am I seeing everything wrong here...? Would love some feedback.

TL;DR He's LL-med and happy and in love with me and wants cuddles and little kisses. I'm HL, want to fuck like rabbits, and feel like I'm his caregiver and I love him but I don't feel 'in love with him.'

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. I knew when we started dating that they were disabled and on the asexual spectrum, so I knew the amount of sex we had would be something that waxed and waned. That was just fine with me, I tend to have a lower libido and really tend to be more responsive than spontaneous so it worked.

However after they had Covid they started to become more disabled, developing POTS and other issues and now there’s no way they have the stamina to do anything for me, and even receiving makes their heart rate spike too much, and they end up feeling very sick. So we haven’t had sex in months.

We are nonmonogamous so I could go find someone else to have sex with. But i keep very high covid precautions to protect their health, so finding someone with a similar level for a casual relationship is impossible. And really, I don’t want to just have a random hookup. I miss having sex with /my partner/. I miss the way we could laugh and have fun and be silly and be serious. I miss all the things that made it hot, I miss the way they knew what would get me going. I miss being wanted. I miss being able to give them pleasure. If they could still receive and just didn’t have the stamina to give I really think I’d be fine.

And I know they feel bad about it. I think they feel like they’re withholding something from me, like it’s their fault, and they worry all the time that I’ll lose attraction to them and fall out of love with them because I have to caretake for them for much. I’m not mad at them, I don’t blame them for it, but I’m just grieving a little bit. I wish we could talk about it as something that’s not their fault, so we could comfort each other and grieve together. But I feel like even the mention of anything related to sex makes them feel bad.

I told them that if we never have sex again it will be ok, and I do mean that. But lately they had really been improving with a lot of their symptoms, and they started rehab to recondition a bit and I guess unconsciously I thought that maybe there was a chance that sex might happen again. But recently they had Covid again and I’m so worried about their health regressing again.

So I grieve, and then I feel bad about missing sex so much when there’s so many other more serious things to worry about.

And we can’t even really cuddle how we used to. They’re in so much pain all the time they have to lay a specific way and u often get told I’m hurting them. And their fatigue is so bad they can’t even play with my hair or gently rub my back for longer than a minute or two.

Australia. Surgery left me 100% permanently impotent. No drugs will ever help and an implant is $30,000 i don't have. The only advice my urologist has is "here is the number for lifeline.. get counseling". I was 49 when that happened, now 62. My wife shows zero attraction to me, masturbates when I am out and then ignores me sexually as always. This was not a good deal and I am so sick of being a sexual nothing. How can I peacefully just give up? Is surgical castration or anti androgen therapy likely to help? Psychologists that I have spoken to suggest I just need to feel heard...I think I need to feel wanted.

My husband has low libido and ED. We tried testosterone therapy but it didn't help him. He's got a mass of health issues that seem to indicate Cushing's syndrome. Anyone have this issue?

Has anyone with medical issues had a recovery/remission and then had to re-figure out what they are capable of?

My relationships* are all in different states of limbo, but my libido is back. I haven't felt emotionally safe to be sexual in years, and my current crushes have all been very kind and understanding. I have both anxiety and curiosity about my ability level, and I wonder if I'm just going to be a giant disappointment if I actually try to go there with someone.

Thoughts? I'm very demisexual so I have to have a deep emotional investment before I see another person in a sexual way. I'm afraid my body will betray me again and it will destroy anything I try to build.

So me and my partner have been together 5 years 2 years in she was diagnosed with endometriosis. Sex or even just orgasaming is insanely painful for her and can last up to three days of cramps. It’s currently a year of nothing during that time I’ve treated her but not revived anything due to her OCD and doesn’t like the idea of BJ as I wee from it 🙄. I’m getting constant pressure from her, her doctors and her family to have kids in the next year when all I can see is a sexless relationship and I have said I can’t have kids if that’s my future and all I get is we can try more things when we have a house when we have a family. But like I said you don’t go near me now because you’re worried people will hear how will that be any different when kids are involved. I feel horrible as I know non of this is out of choice it’s a medical condition.

I’ve suggested opening up but she says she would see it as cheating. I suggested oral and hands but she gets anxious of people hearing. I’m really struggling I can’t have a family at this age when nothing is changing in the intimacy department but all I get back is it’ll be different when we have a house. What when everyone wants us to start trying asap.

So, it wasn’t me HLF, it was a brain tumor! Long story short: Our dead bedroom has been revived after my husband’s benign pituitary gland tumor (Prolactinoma) was diagnosed and treated. We are both 57 and struggled for 15+ years with his LL and my HL. Lots of frustration, hurt, loneliness, and doubt. For many years his labs showed low-T but the supplemental T and viagra did almost nothing. This year the tumor was found during an unrelated MRI. We learned that this type of tumor causes excessive levels of prolactin hormone which restricts testosterone production. The meds to shrink the tumor and prolactin levels have successfully done their job, Testosterone levels are improved, and so has our sex life. We were so angry, though. In all the years of bloodwork done for his Low T his doctors never tested Prolactin levels. We could have avoided so much heartache and turmoil in our marriage.

I had my first real therapy session. My wife doesn't even know.. I explained everything to him. From my wife's health problems (chronic pain, arthritis, fibromyalgia, perimenopause). Lack of any physical intimacy for the last 9 years. My son's autism diagnosis. My fathers cancer diagnosis. My lack of energy and what I feared to admit my depression. I just smile carry on giving but slowly dying inside.

All this stuff sneaks up on us we just keep going keep giving help those we love. Because we believe it's the right thing to do. No-one knows I struggle or can hear the occasional light whimpers or mild outbursts from me.

The therapist pointed out that I am a carer. Not in the conventional sense and that also I'm a rescuer. I do things for people rather than signpost and get them to help themselves. I have also completely discarded my own needs. I don't know what I want. Or even know how to communicate it.

The solution is to start getting people to help themselves. Don't fix them or take it away direct them to people or services to help them. For example my wife is borderline diabetic trying to force healthy meals or getting her to stop eating biscuits won't work nor should it she's an adult. But going broken record and pinpointing diet services is all I can do.

Anyway back to the DB this is a symptom of a much bigger problem. The relationship is functional we support our son we co parent. I feel loved but not at all desired. Maybe the therapist will help me change this or accept it. Time will tell. First I need to find my voice.

I have been neglecting myself so today I'm spending it doing hobbies.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10 years total. Our sex life was great for our first few years together and she had a high libido.

But over the last 5-6 years our sex life has dwindled for a variety of reasons. I noticed a shift in her libido and vaginal lubrication after she started on birth control pills, but she's not convinced that the pill has had a negative impact. Also, she now has chronic fatigue syndrome from long Covid for the last 3 years that has lowered her libido even more.

It's now been 3 years since we've had full on sex and probably 2 years since we hooked up to the point of orgasm. I'm extremely frustrated and losing hope of a normal sex life ever returning. I don't even have high expectations. Sex or a BJ once a month would be more than enough for me to be happy. She claims that if I would talk to her more about sex that things would improve but every time I bring up sex she says that it's just not on the table for her in the near future due to her health issues impacting her libido.

I am sympathetic and understanding of her health problems and can accept if she is physically incapable of sex. But I just wish she would give me a BJ every once in awhile so that I can feel some level of sexual intimacy with her.

I love her and she's my best friend but I don't think I can go on without any sort of sexual intimacy for the rest of my life. I'm one of the most patient people on the planet and not just going to throw away what is otherwise a healthy marriage and relationship. But I'm 32 and haven't had sex in years. Never thought I would be saying those words until I was much older.

Not necessarily asking for advice just venting my frustrations

Hello there. Been a bit since I was active on reddit. Looking for advice, or anything really. I 41M, have been married to The Wife (TW), F42, for 16 years now. We have 2 kids in their teens. And an on and off again DB. The current spell is going on for about 2 years.

TW has a chronic illness that has progressed over the last 8 years that causes pretty constant pain. She had some bad intimate encounters when young, which also is a factor. For me, she was my only serious relationship. TW took a chance on me and I have tried to do right by her over the last decade and a half. When we were younger our libido matched up pretty well, both high, but then she got sick.

I am there at her treatments. I message out the knots in her muscles. I cook 6 nights per week because she cannot, or cannot remember to, anymore. We have changed our entire lifestyle as we learn more about her illness to fit in with her new limitations and I have been with her the entire time. I gave up hobbies because they took too much of my time to better care for her. I was there with every change and I will still be there.

TW is mourning the loss of her health and agency. I am watching her change into someone I don't know. One thing that died was physical intimacy. With the pain and other symptoms / side effects of medication, her libido died. We went from twice a week to once a month to once every 3 months to pretty much never to complete dead bedroom. We talked about things and she told me that if she is not turned on, she will not do anything in the bedroom because it makes her "feel gross". Thats fair. I have needs but will not ever ask for her to do something that she does not want to do. We agreed that I will not push for us to be intimate but that anytime she is turned on she would come to me. ... That was over 2 years ago now. She has not come to me once.

A related issue is how I express love and need to be loved. My love language is touch. I hug her. I love on her. I touch her. TW does not return any of it anymore. She will ask for me to message the knots out of her back. She will come to me and seek comfort for her bad days and will occasionally ask for me to hug her. She usually cries during those hugs. I will try to spoon her because it helps her sleep while being careful of where it is safe (read: less painful) to hold her. That is about the extent of our physical contact now.

I have tried to talk to her on 7 or 8 occasions over the last few years about how I need to be loved and we have the same conversation about how hard it is for her to provide anything for me when she is in pain, but that she understands and will do better. Every time we have had this conversation TW does better. For about 2 days. Then she has a bad day and we are right back where we were. The only times I have received any kind of physical touch or comfort in the last 18 months unasked for is when I am holding my head in utter despair. She gives me a hug, tells me that she is here with me. And walks away.

I am not a perfect man. I have issues communicating in person. I have the habit of disassociating instead of resolving conflicts when arguing with my family members. I have PTSD from my time in uniform (got shot at too many times). I have anger issues. Read: not perfect and don't care enough to pretend to.

I do not really know how hard I am looking for by posting here. I love TW. I still want to grow old(er) with her. I am also growing more angry, more despairing, more flat out unhappy with every day. As her needs shift and change I am doing my damnest to meet them, as my own are ignored. I feel guilty for asking for what I need (basic physical touch and intimacy) l because I feel like I am laying a burden on her. Then I get angry for feeling guilty. As those needs remain unmet I am falling into despair and depression. I do not want to hate TW for getting sick. I also cannot keep living like we are now. Anything you can suggest to help would be appreciated. Thank you.

Hey everyone!

You all have me such helpful advice last time (https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedroomsMD/s/WxhEG5Yg42 for reference) that I’ve come back for more.

As the title says, we’ve scheduled the hysterectomy. Now what? I expect recovery will be similar to caesarean section recovery time, but what about long term recovery? Lasting effects? Hormonal fluctuations and changes? Should I expect personality changes, long term, due to hormonal variations?

I’m not expecting this to solve, or even lessen our bedroom problems. In fact, I expect I have had the last sex I will have in this relationship. I’m really more interested in if there will be other issues and changes I should be monitoring for.

Thanks!

Hey all, long time listener first time venter.

I'm a 27M HL, my wife is 26F LL, and she's also the one with more going on medically. We've been in a DB situation to varying degrees for about 4 years now; sometimes we go as little as 2 months between having sex, sometimes it's over 6 (though I've given up on keeping track when it's around that point).

My wife has chronic pain throughout her neck and back from a car accident we were in, and a typical day for her she says is about an 8/10 for pain. She's undergone and is undergoing various treatments and medications, and I'm far more often a caretaker than I am any sort of a lover at this point.

One of the things I find really sucks on the nights I feel especially HL are when we lay down at night and I innocently rest my hand on her thigh or stomach and all my brain can think about is what it was like to be able to freely move my hand up her leg or up to her chest.

So that's the longing, here's the guilt. I know I'm less attracted to my wife now than I was when we got married and before all this started. She's put on about 60 pounds over the last few years, and between that and the lack of sex, it's definitely had a negative impact on how attracted to her I was in the past. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but I don't like that that's how I feel.

As part of all this, I've turned to porn and masturbation in the past behind her back. Before the DB situation began, she had expressed to me that she didn't like the idea of me watching porn and masturbating when I could have sex with her instead, and I've admittedly been way too anxious to even approach the topic with her (that's a bit of it's own issue). There's more guilt.

Another part with it that I beat myself up over the most is that I find myself looking at and thinking about other women, and not even necessarily in a sexual manner. As an example, I have a particular coworker in a different department who I'll talk to only at work, and just the basic kindness out of her and the happiness I feel talking with her just feels so different to anything I feel around my wife. I feel terrible for the fact that it seems like those conversations make me happier than being around and with my wife, and it's enough that I've felt something like a pit in my stomach driving home from work.

All this weighs on me a lot. I've been clinically depressed and anxious for a number of years now, and I find my marriage and this whole situation has been playing a decent role in it. It's enough that when I have to travel out of state, I find my mental state is normally a lot better until I have to go home. It feels like there's never any break from it, any rest. The sexual frustration certainly doesn't help.

I considered divorcing my wife once, back when we were much closer to the start of this, but it feels like the window of time for that has closed. She can't provide for herself any more; I'm our only source of income and in part provide for my FIL a bit as well when it comes to it.

So howdy, nice to meet y'all, I'm Lemon.

It feels like everything is stacked against us. We’re long-distance, and he has multiple chronic health conditions that severely impact his energy, mood, and ability to work. Financially, he’s struggling, so I help out where I can, but it’s reached a point where he relies on me heavily.

His libido is undoubtedly affected by his medical issues—I’m sure of that—but there’s so much else stacked on top of it that any attempt to fix our intimacy feels almost pointless. He’s had past trauma around intimacy, which shapes his approach to it now. He initially mentioned needing me to take the lead, which I was okay with at first, but over time it’s become clear that intimacy is a complicated area for him. There are health issues, past experiences, and cultural factors all tangled together that make it feel like an uphill battle.

When we’re apart, he isn’t interested in long-distance intimacy and has mentioned that it just doesn’t feel fulfilling to him. I know he tries, but it feels like he’s never been truly into me in that way, even when we’re together. He’s explained that even if he weren’t dealing with depression and health challenges, he’s not a particularly sexual person. While I tried to accept this, I’m realizing our levels of interest just don’t match.

To manage my own needs, I eventually bought a toy, which has helped me regain a bit of control over my intimacy. When he visits, things are good overall—he’s supportive and is honestly my best friend. But because of his conditions and everything else layered on top, we’re only intimate when everything aligns perfectly, which is rare. When it does happen, it’s usually short, and I often don’t feel fully satisfied, so I’ve continued using my toy even when he’s here.

Adding to this, his depression impacts his self-care, which affects my attraction. When he visited to obtain a diagnosis, I ended up taking on so much of his care—from meals to transportation to covering expenses—that I put my own needs on hold. I felt more like a caretaker than a partner, which definitely killed my libido.

After he left, he suddenly became more interested in intimacy from afar. In the past, this would have excited me, but now I find myself not wanting it at all. I think I’ve subconsciously pushed down my own needs over time to avoid the torture of not being wanted, and now it’s hard to rekindle those feelings. It’s like I’ve built a wall to protect myself from frustration, and I can’t figure out how to break it down.

I’ve tried suggesting ways we could work on this, but it feels like I’m waiting for something to change that may never happen. I know this isn’t fair to either of us, but I feel stuck and unsure of where to go from here. To complicate things, losing my libido makes me feel like I’m in a relationship with my best friend. The idea of a breakup in that sense is so easy when you take the sexual aspect out of our relationship. Problem is, he depends financially, emotionally, and medically on me at the moment. I feel extremely stuck, sad, and frustrated.

My wife finally started some HRT after probably being out of balance for a decade or so. Anyone else in the same boat with tips to be supportive and to assist with her getting proper care?

Would be nice to someday have PIV sex where no matter how many pre orgasms or sloshing with lube that she ends up being sore for days afterward.

I arranged a trip away for my wife and I to try to rekindle our sex life which has not been active for years. (long story posted in another sub).

My wife promised me we could have sex so I was edging myself for a week beforehand (I normally knock one out regularly) in preparation.

But now we're back and guess what - no sex. She is always doing this to me and I can't bear it. We talked about it and she just isn't up to it (she is disabled and her legs are the problem).

I even tried this morning but got a flat 'no'. I love her, I tell her I love her and I want to be intimate with her and she tells me the same. But she won't entertain anything like mutual masturbation or things like that, she will only consider penetrative sex. But I don't even get that.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm not going to leave her, or cheat on her but I'm at my wits end because I am quite horny most of the time but I don't even get time alone to jerk off, except stood up in the shower which I find difficult.

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading.

So, my ( 36f HL ) husband ( 53M LL ) has had numerous strokes, the last one being the end of 2022, he's made no effort to engage with physical ( or any other type ) of therapy as he's ' too lazy ' ( this is not me being a bitxh, this is what he says ) so our bedroom, which was on life support before this, officially died, after a few months he proposed the idea that I would take care of his needs, and then I'd go elsewhere for mine, a one sided open relationship. I shot this down, saying that I wasn't interested in being a sex toy for him with no reciprocal affection, now I understood his limitations and I wasn't expecting him to be able to throw me around the bed all night or anything, I told him I was happy to do 90% of the work if he would do 10%, I even offered to have him just hold my ' friend ' and I'd do the moving and finding the right positions, but that was a no, eventually he offered an open relationship with the rules being ' don't ask don't tell ' and friends/each other's family were out of bounds, I happily agreed to these rules, ( I never actually did anything, he knows this now)

Anyway, about 2 months ago he had a fall, he was in hospital for 3 weeks, while he was there we had some really good talks over text, I think being able to take the time to word things properly and not having to look at me while saying it really helped him, he asked if I'd be willing to close the relationship and he'd promise to try and work on his recovery and work towards fixing our dead bedroom, I agreed. He attended 1 ( one ) seated yoga physio class while at the hospital, and nothing since, bedroom wise he said he 'didn't know when I was up for it ' I told him the only time I wasn't was the time between me waking up and me brushing my teeth in the morning, that night I went to bed naked except for pink hot pants with 'I ❤️ my husband ' on the butt. Want to guess what happened? The next night I tried cuddling and initiating, nothing, the night afterwards, he cuddled into me, lazily squeezed my thigh and went to sleep. So last night, while he was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, I went in the bedroom ahead of him, got on the bed on all fours, when he came in the room he made a strange noise and started touching me up, we did a little P in V but he couldn't maintain, I reassured it was OK, and we could do mutual or something, ( we couldn't try a different position because doggy is literally the only one that works for us ) so I helped him cross the line, then he started watching porn on his phone and lazily rubbing me, his eyes never left his phone, and I never crossed the line. Today he's been complaining about being in a lot of pain, so I won't be pulling that trick again.

I know this would have knocked my confidence before, but new me knows I'm attractive and this isn't about me, and I've said to him before if he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship anymore he just needs to tell me, I can work with any information I'm given, I just need the information given to me, I won't kick off and I won't leave, I just want honesty.

Sorry this is so long and thank you to those who made it to the end of my ramblings.

What if the roles were reversed? What if I were the one w/ a progressive chronic disease and a cancer survivor? What if I were the one with all the things in my post history?

Would she stay? Would she put my needs ahead of hers?

Would divorce me because it's so much?

Posting on my alternate account.

My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now. Early on in our relationship we were having sex fairly often, I’d come spend the night at her place or we’d go on trips together. She has PCOS, depression, and anxiety all of which contribute to a best inconsistent libido, but it’s steadily gotten worse over the years even though our relationship outside of sex has never been better.

We’ve tried a number of things to help, she committed to having sex at least once a month last year, which didn’t pan out. She tried letting me have sex with her even when her body wasn’t into it, but seeing/ feeling her discomfort was a huge turn-off. When she brings it up to her doctor all her doctor says is that it’s just part of PCOS or that she’ll feel better if she loses weight. (She has lost weight, it didn’t help).

I’ve tried to politely ask if she’d help me masturbate, that way there’s still that sexual intimacy but she turned me down.

I love her so much, but it’s gotten to the point where asking her for sex, feels like pressuring her, so I’ve mostly stopped asking. But I’m having a harder and harder time dealing with the lack of sex and being jealous of other couples.

Yesterday we were talking about a trip i planned for her birthday week. Reserved an Air BNB on the beach in an area she loves. All 4 of our kids will be there + the partners of our 3 older kids, their partners our youngest child, and one grand-child. She loves these trips.

We have 3 total trips like this scheduled in the next 12 months.

This takes up a majority of our travel and vacation funds and we just retuned from one w the 2 of us and our youngest. I slept on a pull out couch. She and our daughter slept in the bedroom each in their own bed. Clearly I'm not trying to pounce on her during these trips.

Also not putting pressure on at home. Significant context in my history.

I planned all of these when she first talked about them we selected the accommodations together and paid reservation fees the same day she approved the place.

She mentioned a shopping trip to a particular store for a specific sweatshirt brand. I said "I love those on you with short...." and bang "All you think about is sex. "

I miss the closeness, the touch, the cuddling, the intimacy.

I'm 34m and my wife, also 34, has had some health issues that stops us from having sex, at all. She has endometriosis, and she has a ton of problems with her periods, irregular periods, super heavy ones too. She has the coil fitted which was supposed to help regulate it, but it dislodged. So she needs other intervention, possibly an x-ray to see if it's still inside her.

When we were younger, we had a fantastic sex life. But her libido has been absolutely destroyed. And it stresses, and depresses me. I support her where I can, I take her hospital appointments, and all of that. I love her, but there's no intimacy at all anymore.

I know I can't really complain, either. I find it difficult when she looks to me as her rock, when.. I feel like I'm always being taken for granted. I don't feel like a rock. I want some affection, some attention, the slightest touch.

Partners for whom intercourse is not viable (I won't say LL). Do you avoid non intercourse sexual contact? I really just want to 'make out' with my partner and that doesn't happen. I've accepted that sex isn't happening but why would extended kissing not be ok?

Any kissing or touching is shut down after a minute or two.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with Brain Cancer 4 years ago. He has been through surgery, chemo, and radiation and has been cancer free for 3 years, but we have no intimacy. I'm feel like im drowning. I have talked to him, suggested counseling, and he has talked to his doctor, and she prescribed medication. He doesn't take the medication or seems to care. When he first got diagnosed we talked and changed his habits, no drinking, no smoking and eating healthier. Now that he is good he has gone back to the old habits but we have no intimacy. I told him I feel like we are roommates. I'm lost!

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, and our love for each other has always been strong. Unfortunately, her recent cancer diagnosis has thrown a wrench into our relationship in a way we never anticipated.

Before her illness, our intimacy was a vital part of our connection. But now, with the constant treatments, fatigue, and the physical toll of her condition, our physical intimacy has become a distant memory. I understand that she's going through a lot, and I don't want to put any additional pressure on her. However, I'm struggling to cope with the lack of physical closeness.

I'm not looking for anything superficial or casual. I just want to feel connected to my wife on a physical level, and it's painful to know that this is something we can't do right now. Pleasing my partner sexually is the thing that satisfies me the most, I've tried to be understanding and supportive, but it's difficult not to feel frustrated and alone.

Has anyone else gone through a similar experience? I'm hoping to hear from others who can offer advice or share their own stories. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

My previous posts detailed the broader situation. For those who need the TLDR

Repeated SA in childhood, religious shame, raped at 18, repeatedly raped by ex husband, rapid MS onset, 6 year breast cancer survivor.

We were making some progress. She was actually talking about what she likes from a kissing, touching, make out and sexual perspective. We even talked about new toys for her.

She just drew hard line against oral sex after reading a study that certain throat cancers were tied to oral sex. She's terrified of cancer coming back. I get it and am not fighting it

One short round of closed mouth kisses later and she's sick. Cancer treatment destroyed her immune system. Covid then did its part. I had been sneezing but just thought it was dog hair - separate long story.

She said i can kiss her anywhere but her face, of course the no oral sex line stands and the no sensation in her breasts remains.

So I'll take the interest in new toys as a win. Maybe mutual masturbation and toys becomes our new playground. Trying hard to stay positive.

My boyfriend(30m) and I(28f) used to have sex regularly when we first met a year and a half ago.

He always had back pain but about 3 months into our relationship it got significantly worse. He stopped working out, started light duty at work and sex stopped. All of this happened without any communication. All I knew is that we were having amazing regular sex and now he’s rejecting any advance. It’s been like this from Sept 2023 to now.

We’ve since had many conversations and he’s now able to express that it’s not personal, he has zero sex drive. We would have sex around once a month but the constant rejection was still such a mind fuck. Then he let me know that pretty much any time we have sex he only does it for me, which made me feel like I was getting pity sex which is almost worse than no sex. I let him know that I want genuine sex, I need to know that my partner wants to be intimate with me vs forcing himself to be.

It’s since been 3 months of DB and I’m starting to feel so depressed. I’ve told him the only way for me to shut off my want for him and not bring up sex is to almost friend zone him, which makes me so sad. I don’t feel like I have a relationship anymore yet I do. He really is an amazing partner, he checks off all the boxes and I’m not leaving him. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with a back surgeon so this won’t be our situation forever. For the time being it’s so hard to be happy and optimistic about anything, my mental heath is declining.

My partner (32M, newlywed) wasn't always LL but he's had a string of physical injuries that have taken sex off the table mostly, first a shoulder injury and surgery and then a workplace injury that left him with chronic pain, which he now has to take medication for. The medication makes him tired and not all there. With the shoulder injury we couldnt have PIV sex since he couldnt hold himself up. I suppose he could've been on the bottom but I think he was too in pain to consider other options. For 2 months, he didn't even offer to pleasure me at all in other ways. Fast forward about 5 months, he had another injury that landed him in the hospital. We had been starting to make progress with sex (though still no PIV, just other foreplay). Now, we're at about 1-2 times per month. But we've gotten so in the habit of not having sex that sex feels foreign and awkward. We watch TV at night most days before bed and just sleep , a habit we developed after the first injury. But now we're trying to break the routine and pay attention to our sex life.

The problem is if he even tries to approach me now, I (30F) just clam up. I think part of it is that we dont have regular intimacy outside of sex (no passionate kissing or touching), so when he tries to initiate, it feels unnatural and robotic. There's never spontaneous sex anymore. I just want healthy intimacy that doesn't feel forced.

My disabled wife said this to me. My next therapy session isn’t until the first week of August, so I’m dropping this here. I’m really crushed by it all. We had a non-MD related dead bedroom for years, and through therapy and a lot of tough conversations and a lot of reconnection, we had mostly broken our avoidant(me the 40ish HLM)-anxious(her the 40ish LLF) cycle. When one of us (mostly her) wasn’t in the mood for PIV, we were still able to connect through masterbation together, and regular make out sessions. It really felt like we had sparked a second love between us, one that was more secure and honest than what we had before.

Then came her disease. It’s been a year and a half now. I’m on a non-ssri antidepressant and it usually works great to take the harsh edge of caregiver strain, along with semi-regular hangouts with my friends and regular exercise.

Before her disability, we’d fantasize together about whatever struck our fancy, and get off together, including hotwifing, bdsm, and daddy dom fantasies (I think both of us are switches, but never got a chance to explore that dynamic in any sort of depth other than dirty talk, spankings). It was so hot. Soooo hot. Now it’s just in my head now. I’ve bought a few sex aids so she can masterbate in a position that won’t cause pain, and seeing her orgasm is still pretty much the greatest thing ever, but she can’t do it more than once a week or so. She and I just hate this disease so much. I still look at her and want her. Just want to make love to her, fuck her, whisper every dirty thing I can think of in her ear, leave spank marks on her butt and scratches on her back. I know she wants to do the same to me. It’s fucking torture.

I miss what we had before our first dead bedroom. I really truly miss our reconnection. I know there are folks here who can relate. I feel for you all. Hugs.

My partner and I (queer) have been married 9 years but together for 16. We had a dead bedroom before their disability really became an issue. Have not had sex in past 6-7 years. Both of us are in mid 50s and my partner suffers from a chronic illness that has taken their ability to enjoy sex, orgasm and feel anything down there. They recently purchased hundreds of dollars in vibrators for me. It made me want to cry and I cannot face the rest of my life with a vibrator. In past years they have mentioned not believing in open marriage. I am not sure I do either. We had a counselor for a few years but nothing really worked. I want to care for my partner and I love them but I am lonely and miss sexual intimacy. I thought about a separation where I could be a caregiver but not a spouse. I thought about asking for FWB and open marriage. I am not sure what the right path forward is. They have lost so much that even bringing this up is going to destroy them. They are starting to experience some cognitive symptoms which means we need to make a choice while they still can agree and understand. I am also worried that they will agree to something out of fear there is no other option and my partner is vulnerable. I am very sad today.

I am a 32 (HLM) and my wife 27 (LLW) and I’ve known from the beginning that she has Endometriosis. In the beginning we were long distance, and when we would get together we would have lots of amazing sex. We moved in together and it slowed a little bit, but not by much. Fast forward 2 years into marriage and the last year I can count on one hand how many times we’ve done anything.

I’ve tried to talk with her about my desire for more than now and she said that I should ask for it more, so I started asking for things when I wanted them, which in turn made her more anxious about it (she’s been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder) and more denial. She eventually told me that she needs to be the next one to initiate, and that broke my head. I want to initiate more and ask for more still, and I feel like a scumbag because I know that with Endo, any arousal can cause intense pain.

I masturbate every day, sometimes 2-3 times, and I’m at a point where I don’t get relief after masturbating, I just get depressed. I’m happy with just about every other aspect of my marriage, but I never thought that we would get to the point where I would be lucky to have one sexual encounter every two months if that.

I know where she stands with an open relationship and having other sexual partners and it’s seemingly something that will never be accepted by her. I feel guilty for this a lot.

Note: I posted this in r/deadbedrooms yesterday evening and someone suggested I may get more relevant feedback/support/advice here. I’ve lightly edited it to provide additional relevant information.

I (47f) and my husband (51m) have been struggling with an almost dead bedroom since he had major surgery in late 2020. This is a throw away for obvious reasons.

Background: My husband and I have been married for almost 27 years. We always had an incredible sexual connection. For the most part we were always aligned on the frequency and quality of sex. Even during our rough patches, we connected sexually. In many ways, sex was the glue that bound us together.

In 2019 my husband’s pain level (due to severe, untreated scoliosis) began impacting his ability to do his job and even the most basic of household tasks. At the same, our sex life began to suffer as the pain impacted his ability to remain in the same position for more than a few minutes at a time. After seeing a specialist, the decision was made to move forward with scoliosis correction surgery.

COVID hit in early 2020 and the surgery was delayed until the end of the year. This was a 7 hour spinal fusion that fused his sacrum up to his T9. It would have normally required 3-4 nights in the hospital and a week recovering in an acute care center. Due to COVID, they sent him home 36 hours post surgery. I share these details to give you an idea of how major the surgery was.

It was about 6-8 weeks after surgery that he began feeling strong enough to have sex. The funny thing was, it was only after I asked. He hadn’t even mentioned it. Odd, but I knew he was still recovering and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

We quickly realized that sex was going to be different going forward. Due to the metal in his back, he lost a lot of flexibility, and certain positions resulted in cramping. But worst of all, he could not maintain an erection and the quality of his erections was, for lack of a better word, weak.

We gave it more time.

At my urging, in late 2021, just around a year after surgery, he went to his PCP, who diagnosed him with low testosterone. The PCP put him on topical testosterone, which seemed to do nothing. After several months of no noticeable improvement, and after us noticing a strange indentation in his penis, I suggested he see a urologist.

The urologist diagnosed him with Peyronie’s disease. He said it was good my husband came in early; most men wait until it becomes much worse. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory, gave him instructions for ensuring the Peyronie’s didn’t get worse, prescribed cialis for the ED, and put him on something different (Clomid) for the low T. That quickly corrected his T levels. In fact, they’re currently in the high range.

Unfortunately, his interest in sex never came back.

Since then it’s been a comedy of sex errors.

The good news: His T levels remain in the high range. He has a prescription for Cialis which he takes daily. He also takes Viagra before sex, and the combination of the two seems to have fixed the ED. The indentation in his penis went away.

The bad news: He’s just not horny. He said he used to think about sex all the time. Throughout our late 30s and into our early 40s, we would have sex anywhere from 2 to 4 times a week, and he’d masturbate at least 3 times a week. He says now days will go by and he won’t even have fleeting thoughts of sex. He masturbates once or twice a month. I asked him if he thinks about sex when he sees an exceptionally attractive, fit woman.

He said, “Not really. I’ll notice her and appreciate her body, but that’s where it ends. Before surgery, I would think about what sex with her would be like, and I’d get really horny, but I don’t have those thoughts anymore.”

We’ve tried porn, I’ve sent him dirty pictures during the day to get him excited, offered to let him do anything he wants to me.

He’s just… meh. If I initiate or ask for it, he will engage. If he’s into it, great. If not, he’ll take care of me. But it’s crushing to no longer have that connection. I want to feel wanted, not serviced.

Other relevant information: He takes a very low dose of Cymbalta for depression. It’s literally the lowest dose available and he took it prior to surgery. He’s also weaned off it to see if it impacted his libido and it did not.

While I’m certainly not in the best shape of my life, I’m very attractive, I’m not fat, and I am very kinky and fun in the bedroom.

We’ve discussed this endlessly. We’ve taken breaks from sex. We’ve tried scheduling sex. We’ve tried planning sex out. We’ve tried free use (I mentioned I was kinky, right?)

I’ve asked him if there’s something in the back of his mind that’s distracting him. Does he want to try something new? Is there a mental block he needs to work through? The answer is always no and no.

He’s not cheating on me. He’s very affectionate, very devoted, and desperately wants to fix this because it’s so important to both of us.

We’re both kinky, and physically disciplining me has always been a turn on for him. Several months back I reintroduced toys and kink into the bedroom. When I ask for a spanking, he loves it and gets horny… but I have to ask for it. The thought of taking me into the bedroom and initiating it doesn’t even enter his mind.

He’s had a full panel of blood work and all of his hormones are normal.

His doctors are at a loss. He’s discussed this at length with both the urologist and the psychiatrist he sees for the Cymbalta. They’re out of ideas. Physically, he’s a healthy 51 year old man.

He recently had a sleep study done (at my urging) and he has moderate sleep apnea, but we don’t believe it’s severe enough to be impacting his libido.

He does not abuse alcohol or use recreational drugs.

What I’m looking for: Has anyone else (or their partner) experienced an inexplicable loss in libido following major physical trauma (e.g., surgery or an accident)? Does anyone have suggestions? I’ve heard of people trying different things with varying degrees of success, such as changes in diet, or herbal supplements.

I’m desperate. I love him so much and just want that connection back.

TL;DR Husband had major surgery 3.5 years ago that resulted in low T. His T levels are up, and viagra has fixed the erection issues, but his sex drive never came back and we’re stumped.