Hey, my wife and I have mismatched libido, and are trying to work through it. The other parts of our relationship/marriage are great, but our sex life has been quite difficult. When we first started dating we had sex quite a bit, she got aroused easily, but didn't really feel good. I was a virgin, and she had a few previous partners but never felt good before - basically non-clitoral stimulation doesn't do it for her. But even with clitoral stimulation it was hard for her to come. When she first came after I fingered her she cried for example. We bought vibrators, and have been using them together, and she's been feeling great when using them, sometimes she even orgasms more than once. But some days seem quite hard for her to orgasm, if not impossible - this could also be because it's hard for me to keep the vibrator in one place (satisfyer pro 2, advice appreciated).

She doesn't like to use the vibrators by herself, or masturbate by herself at all after getting together. Before she occasionally did get horny, and masturbated. After being together for a while it seemed like she didn't get horny at all, even before her period which was her default before we got together. Her arousal also became more difficult (i.e. how wet she gets, or how good she feels during foreplay). Then she also got a yeast infection, and a bigger infection that might be BV which we are currently healing. She also got medication to increase her natural lubrication again. There were times where we didn't have sex for a long time due to these issues, and for her its not really a problem. She just doesn't really desire sex, but I do, and that also makes her sad.

We stopped taking the pill recently thinking that it might be because of that, but so far her libido hasn't returned yet, but maybe its too early to say. The usual advice you get online is stuff like making sure she doesn't feel like you are only touching her for sex, dividing work evenly at home, don't pressure her, etc., but we talked about it, and none of those are an issue for her. In fact I do a lot of the chores for example. We have a lovely marriage, adore each other, tell each other how much we love the other every day, support each other when sick, and so on. Her sexual desire is the only thing "missing". She did take an SSRI in the past, but only a handful of pills, maybe 2-5 - could this be related?

Options are kinda running out so I'm asking for advice, and vectors to check. We haven't been able to check her hormones yet, STD testing is coming up. She could be asexual, but she mentioned that she doesn't think she is in the past, and she also had desire, albeit low, previously. She has luckily not been raped or sexually assaulted in any way before. Maybe it's because sex sometimes was a bit painful for her, as in repeated trauma, and her body learned to shut down? Could that be a cause? Maybe she only feels desire at the beginning of a relationship, but once someone is close to her she can't feel desire anymore? If that was the cause how could we fix it, if it all?

Anyways, sorry for this unstructured post. Basically I, or we, are asking for any advice you have on this matter. Thanks!

My wife finally started some HRT after probably being out of balance for a decade or so. Anyone else in the same boat with tips to be supportive and to assist with her getting proper care?

Would be nice to someday have PIV sex where no matter how many pre orgasms or sloshing with lube that she ends up being sore for days afterward.

I arranged a trip away for my wife and I to try to rekindle our sex life which has not been active for years. (long story posted in another sub).

My wife promised me we could have sex so I was edging myself for a week beforehand (I normally knock one out regularly) in preparation.

But now we're back and guess what - no sex. She is always doing this to me and I can't bear it. We talked about it and she just isn't up to it (she is disabled and her legs are the problem).

I even tried this morning but got a flat 'no'. I love her, I tell her I love her and I want to be intimate with her and she tells me the same. But she won't entertain anything like mutual masturbation or things like that, she will only consider penetrative sex. But I don't even get that.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm not going to leave her, or cheat on her but I'm at my wits end because I am quite horny most of the time but I don't even get time alone to jerk off, except stood up in the shower which I find difficult.

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading.

So, my ( 36f HL ) husband ( 53M LL ) has had numerous strokes, the last one being the end of 2022, he's made no effort to engage with physical ( or any other type ) of therapy as he's ' too lazy ' ( this is not me being a bitxh, this is what he says ) so our bedroom, which was on life support before this, officially died, after a few months he proposed the idea that I would take care of his needs, and then I'd go elsewhere for mine, a one sided open relationship. I shot this down, saying that I wasn't interested in being a sex toy for him with no reciprocal affection, now I understood his limitations and I wasn't expecting him to be able to throw me around the bed all night or anything, I told him I was happy to do 90% of the work if he would do 10%, I even offered to have him just hold my ' friend ' and I'd do the moving and finding the right positions, but that was a no, eventually he offered an open relationship with the rules being ' don't ask don't tell ' and friends/each other's family were out of bounds, I happily agreed to these rules, ( I never actually did anything, he knows this now)

Anyway, about 2 months ago he had a fall, he was in hospital for 3 weeks, while he was there we had some really good talks over text, I think being able to take the time to word things properly and not having to look at me while saying it really helped him, he asked if I'd be willing to close the relationship and he'd promise to try and work on his recovery and work towards fixing our dead bedroom, I agreed. He attended 1 ( one ) seated yoga physio class while at the hospital, and nothing since, bedroom wise he said he 'didn't know when I was up for it ' I told him the only time I wasn't was the time between me waking up and me brushing my teeth in the morning, that night I went to bed naked except for pink hot pants with 'I ❤️ my husband ' on the butt. Want to guess what happened? The next night I tried cuddling and initiating, nothing, the night afterwards, he cuddled into me, lazily squeezed my thigh and went to sleep. So last night, while he was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, I went in the bedroom ahead of him, got on the bed on all fours, when he came in the room he made a strange noise and started touching me up, we did a little P in V but he couldn't maintain, I reassured it was OK, and we could do mutual or something, ( we couldn't try a different position because doggy is literally the only one that works for us ) so I helped him cross the line, then he started watching porn on his phone and lazily rubbing me, his eyes never left his phone, and I never crossed the line. Today he's been complaining about being in a lot of pain, so I won't be pulling that trick again.

I know this would have knocked my confidence before, but new me knows I'm attractive and this isn't about me, and I've said to him before if he doesn't want to have a sexual relationship anymore he just needs to tell me, I can work with any information I'm given, I just need the information given to me, I won't kick off and I won't leave, I just want honesty.

Sorry this is so long and thank you to those who made it to the end of my ramblings.

What if the roles were reversed? What if I were the one w/ a progressive chronic disease and a cancer survivor? What if I were the one with all the things in my post history?

Would she stay? Would she put my needs ahead of hers?

Would divorce me because it's so much?

Posting on my alternate account.

My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now. Early on in our relationship we were having sex fairly often, I’d come spend the night at her place or we’d go on trips together. She has PCOS, depression, and anxiety all of which contribute to a best inconsistent libido, but it’s steadily gotten worse over the years even though our relationship outside of sex has never been better.

We’ve tried a number of things to help, she committed to having sex at least once a month last year, which didn’t pan out. She tried letting me have sex with her even when her body wasn’t into it, but seeing/ feeling her discomfort was a huge turn-off. When she brings it up to her doctor all her doctor says is that it’s just part of PCOS or that she’ll feel better if she loses weight. (She has lost weight, it didn’t help).

I’ve tried to politely ask if she’d help me masturbate, that way there’s still that sexual intimacy but she turned me down.

I love her so much, but it’s gotten to the point where asking her for sex, feels like pressuring her, so I’ve mostly stopped asking. But I’m having a harder and harder time dealing with the lack of sex and being jealous of other couples.

Yesterday we were talking about a trip i planned for her birthday week. Reserved an Air BNB on the beach in an area she loves. All 4 of our kids will be there + the partners of our 3 older kids, their partners our youngest child, and one grand-child. She loves these trips.

We have 3 total trips like this scheduled in the next 12 months.

This takes up a majority of our travel and vacation funds and we just retuned from one w the 2 of us and our youngest. I slept on a pull out couch. She and our daughter slept in the bedroom each in their own bed. Clearly I'm not trying to pounce on her during these trips.

Also not putting pressure on at home. Significant context in my history.

I planned all of these when she first talked about them we selected the accommodations together and paid reservation fees the same day she approved the place.

She mentioned a shopping trip to a particular store for a specific sweatshirt brand. I said "I love those on you with short...." and bang "All you think about is sex. "

I miss the closeness, the touch, the cuddling, the intimacy.

I'm 34m and my wife, also 34, has had some health issues that stops us from having sex, at all. She has endometriosis, and she has a ton of problems with her periods, irregular periods, super heavy ones too. She has the coil fitted which was supposed to help regulate it, but it dislodged. So she needs other intervention, possibly an x-ray to see if it's still inside her.

When we were younger, we had a fantastic sex life. But her libido has been absolutely destroyed. And it stresses, and depresses me. I support her where I can, I take her hospital appointments, and all of that. I love her, but there's no intimacy at all anymore.

I know I can't really complain, either. I find it difficult when she looks to me as her rock, when.. I feel like I'm always being taken for granted. I don't feel like a rock. I want some affection, some attention, the slightest touch.

Partners for whom intercourse is not viable (I won't say LL). Do you avoid non intercourse sexual contact? I really just want to 'make out' with my partner and that doesn't happen. I've accepted that sex isn't happening but why would extended kissing not be ok?

Any kissing or touching is shut down after a minute or two.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with Brain Cancer 4 years ago. He has been through surgery, chemo, and radiation and has been cancer free for 3 years, but we have no intimacy. I'm feel like im drowning. I have talked to him, suggested counseling, and he has talked to his doctor, and she prescribed medication. He doesn't take the medication or seems to care. When he first got diagnosed we talked and changed his habits, no drinking, no smoking and eating healthier. Now that he is good he has gone back to the old habits but we have no intimacy. I told him I feel like we are roommates. I'm lost!

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, and our love for each other has always been strong. Unfortunately, her recent cancer diagnosis has thrown a wrench into our relationship in a way we never anticipated.

Before her illness, our intimacy was a vital part of our connection. But now, with the constant treatments, fatigue, and the physical toll of her condition, our physical intimacy has become a distant memory. I understand that she's going through a lot, and I don't want to put any additional pressure on her. However, I'm struggling to cope with the lack of physical closeness.

I'm not looking for anything superficial or casual. I just want to feel connected to my wife on a physical level, and it's painful to know that this is something we can't do right now. Pleasing my partner sexually is the thing that satisfies me the most, I've tried to be understanding and supportive, but it's difficult not to feel frustrated and alone.

Has anyone else gone through a similar experience? I'm hoping to hear from others who can offer advice or share their own stories. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

My previous posts detailed the broader situation. For those who need the TLDR

Repeated SA in childhood, religious shame, raped at 18, repeatedly raped by ex husband, rapid MS onset, 6 year breast cancer survivor.

We were making some progress. She was actually talking about what she likes from a kissing, touching, make out and sexual perspective. We even talked about new toys for her.

She just drew hard line against oral sex after reading a study that certain throat cancers were tied to oral sex. She's terrified of cancer coming back. I get it and am not fighting it

One short round of closed mouth kisses later and she's sick. Cancer treatment destroyed her immune system. Covid then did its part. I had been sneezing but just thought it was dog hair - separate long story.

She said i can kiss her anywhere but her face, of course the no oral sex line stands and the no sensation in her breasts remains.

So I'll take the interest in new toys as a win. Maybe mutual masturbation and toys becomes our new playground. Trying hard to stay positive.

My boyfriend(30m) and I(28f) used to have sex regularly when we first met a year and a half ago.

He always had back pain but about 3 months into our relationship it got significantly worse. He stopped working out, started light duty at work and sex stopped. All of this happened without any communication. All I knew is that we were having amazing regular sex and now he’s rejecting any advance. It’s been like this from Sept 2023 to now.

We’ve since had many conversations and he’s now able to express that it’s not personal, he has zero sex drive. We would have sex around once a month but the constant rejection was still such a mind fuck. Then he let me know that pretty much any time we have sex he only does it for me, which made me feel like I was getting pity sex which is almost worse than no sex. I let him know that I want genuine sex, I need to know that my partner wants to be intimate with me vs forcing himself to be.

It’s since been 3 months of DB and I’m starting to feel so depressed. I’ve told him the only way for me to shut off my want for him and not bring up sex is to almost friend zone him, which makes me so sad. I don’t feel like I have a relationship anymore yet I do. He really is an amazing partner, he checks off all the boxes and I’m not leaving him. He’s currently waiting for an appointment with a back surgeon so this won’t be our situation forever. For the time being it’s so hard to be happy and optimistic about anything, my mental heath is declining.

My partner (32M, newlywed) wasn't always LL but he's had a string of physical injuries that have taken sex off the table mostly, first a shoulder injury and surgery and then a workplace injury that left him with chronic pain, which he now has to take medication for. The medication makes him tired and not all there. With the shoulder injury we couldnt have PIV sex since he couldnt hold himself up. I suppose he could've been on the bottom but I think he was too in pain to consider other options. For 2 months, he didn't even offer to pleasure me at all in other ways. Fast forward about 5 months, he had another injury that landed him in the hospital. We had been starting to make progress with sex (though still no PIV, just other foreplay). Now, we're at about 1-2 times per month. But we've gotten so in the habit of not having sex that sex feels foreign and awkward. We watch TV at night most days before bed and just sleep , a habit we developed after the first injury. But now we're trying to break the routine and pay attention to our sex life.

The problem is if he even tries to approach me now, I (30F) just clam up. I think part of it is that we dont have regular intimacy outside of sex (no passionate kissing or touching), so when he tries to initiate, it feels unnatural and robotic. There's never spontaneous sex anymore. I just want healthy intimacy that doesn't feel forced.

My disabled wife said this to me. My next therapy session isn’t until the first week of August, so I’m dropping this here. I’m really crushed by it all. We had a non-MD related dead bedroom for years, and through therapy and a lot of tough conversations and a lot of reconnection, we had mostly broken our avoidant(me the 40ish HLM)-anxious(her the 40ish LLF) cycle. When one of us (mostly her) wasn’t in the mood for PIV, we were still able to connect through masterbation together, and regular make out sessions. It really felt like we had sparked a second love between us, one that was more secure and honest than what we had before.

Then came her disease. It’s been a year and a half now. I’m on a non-ssri antidepressant and it usually works great to take the harsh edge of caregiver strain, along with semi-regular hangouts with my friends and regular exercise.

Before her disability, we’d fantasize together about whatever struck our fancy, and get off together, including hotwifing, bdsm, and daddy dom fantasies (I think both of us are switches, but never got a chance to explore that dynamic in any sort of depth other than dirty talk, spankings). It was so hot. Soooo hot. Now it’s just in my head now. I’ve bought a few sex aids so she can masterbate in a position that won’t cause pain, and seeing her orgasm is still pretty much the greatest thing ever, but she can’t do it more than once a week or so. She and I just hate this disease so much. I still look at her and want her. Just want to make love to her, fuck her, whisper every dirty thing I can think of in her ear, leave spank marks on her butt and scratches on her back. I know she wants to do the same to me. It’s fucking torture.

I miss what we had before our first dead bedroom. I really truly miss our reconnection. I know there are folks here who can relate. I feel for you all. Hugs.

My partner and I (queer) have been married 9 years but together for 16. We had a dead bedroom before their disability really became an issue. Have not had sex in past 6-7 years. Both of us are in mid 50s and my partner suffers from a chronic illness that has taken their ability to enjoy sex, orgasm and feel anything down there. They recently purchased hundreds of dollars in vibrators for me. It made me want to cry and I cannot face the rest of my life with a vibrator. In past years they have mentioned not believing in open marriage. I am not sure I do either. We had a counselor for a few years but nothing really worked. I want to care for my partner and I love them but I am lonely and miss sexual intimacy. I thought about a separation where I could be a caregiver but not a spouse. I thought about asking for FWB and open marriage. I am not sure what the right path forward is. They have lost so much that even bringing this up is going to destroy them. They are starting to experience some cognitive symptoms which means we need to make a choice while they still can agree and understand. I am also worried that they will agree to something out of fear there is no other option and my partner is vulnerable. I am very sad today.

I am a 32 (HLM) and my wife 27 (LLW) and I’ve known from the beginning that she has Endometriosis. In the beginning we were long distance, and when we would get together we would have lots of amazing sex. We moved in together and it slowed a little bit, but not by much. Fast forward 2 years into marriage and the last year I can count on one hand how many times we’ve done anything.

I’ve tried to talk with her about my desire for more than now and she said that I should ask for it more, so I started asking for things when I wanted them, which in turn made her more anxious about it (she’s been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder) and more denial. She eventually told me that she needs to be the next one to initiate, and that broke my head. I want to initiate more and ask for more still, and I feel like a scumbag because I know that with Endo, any arousal can cause intense pain.

I masturbate every day, sometimes 2-3 times, and I’m at a point where I don’t get relief after masturbating, I just get depressed. I’m happy with just about every other aspect of my marriage, but I never thought that we would get to the point where I would be lucky to have one sexual encounter every two months if that.

I know where she stands with an open relationship and having other sexual partners and it’s seemingly something that will never be accepted by her. I feel guilty for this a lot.

Note: I posted this in r/deadbedrooms yesterday evening and someone suggested I may get more relevant feedback/support/advice here. I’ve lightly edited it to provide additional relevant information.

I (47f) and my husband (51m) have been struggling with an almost dead bedroom since he had major surgery in late 2020. This is a throw away for obvious reasons.

Background: My husband and I have been married for almost 27 years. We always had an incredible sexual connection. For the most part we were always aligned on the frequency and quality of sex. Even during our rough patches, we connected sexually. In many ways, sex was the glue that bound us together.

In 2019 my husband’s pain level (due to severe, untreated scoliosis) began impacting his ability to do his job and even the most basic of household tasks. At the same, our sex life began to suffer as the pain impacted his ability to remain in the same position for more than a few minutes at a time. After seeing a specialist, the decision was made to move forward with scoliosis correction surgery.

COVID hit in early 2020 and the surgery was delayed until the end of the year. This was a 7 hour spinal fusion that fused his sacrum up to his T9. It would have normally required 3-4 nights in the hospital and a week recovering in an acute care center. Due to COVID, they sent him home 36 hours post surgery. I share these details to give you an idea of how major the surgery was.

It was about 6-8 weeks after surgery that he began feeling strong enough to have sex. The funny thing was, it was only after I asked. He hadn’t even mentioned it. Odd, but I knew he was still recovering and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

We quickly realized that sex was going to be different going forward. Due to the metal in his back, he lost a lot of flexibility, and certain positions resulted in cramping. But worst of all, he could not maintain an erection and the quality of his erections was, for lack of a better word, weak.

We gave it more time.

At my urging, in late 2021, just around a year after surgery, he went to his PCP, who diagnosed him with low testosterone. The PCP put him on topical testosterone, which seemed to do nothing. After several months of no noticeable improvement, and after us noticing a strange indentation in his penis, I suggested he see a urologist.

The urologist diagnosed him with Peyronie’s disease. He said it was good my husband came in early; most men wait until it becomes much worse. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory, gave him instructions for ensuring the Peyronie’s didn’t get worse, prescribed cialis for the ED, and put him on something different (Clomid) for the low T. That quickly corrected his T levels. In fact, they’re currently in the high range.

Unfortunately, his interest in sex never came back.

Since then it’s been a comedy of sex errors.

The good news: His T levels remain in the high range. He has a prescription for Cialis which he takes daily. He also takes Viagra before sex, and the combination of the two seems to have fixed the ED. The indentation in his penis went away.

The bad news: He’s just not horny. He said he used to think about sex all the time. Throughout our late 30s and into our early 40s, we would have sex anywhere from 2 to 4 times a week, and he’d masturbate at least 3 times a week. He says now days will go by and he won’t even have fleeting thoughts of sex. He masturbates once or twice a month. I asked him if he thinks about sex when he sees an exceptionally attractive, fit woman.

He said, “Not really. I’ll notice her and appreciate her body, but that’s where it ends. Before surgery, I would think about what sex with her would be like, and I’d get really horny, but I don’t have those thoughts anymore.”

We’ve tried porn, I’ve sent him dirty pictures during the day to get him excited, offered to let him do anything he wants to me.

He’s just… meh. If I initiate or ask for it, he will engage. If he’s into it, great. If not, he’ll take care of me. But it’s crushing to no longer have that connection. I want to feel wanted, not serviced.

Other relevant information: He takes a very low dose of Cymbalta for depression. It’s literally the lowest dose available and he took it prior to surgery. He’s also weaned off it to see if it impacted his libido and it did not.

While I’m certainly not in the best shape of my life, I’m very attractive, I’m not fat, and I am very kinky and fun in the bedroom.

We’ve discussed this endlessly. We’ve taken breaks from sex. We’ve tried scheduling sex. We’ve tried planning sex out. We’ve tried free use (I mentioned I was kinky, right?)

I’ve asked him if there’s something in the back of his mind that’s distracting him. Does he want to try something new? Is there a mental block he needs to work through? The answer is always no and no.

He’s not cheating on me. He’s very affectionate, very devoted, and desperately wants to fix this because it’s so important to both of us.

We’re both kinky, and physically disciplining me has always been a turn on for him. Several months back I reintroduced toys and kink into the bedroom. When I ask for a spanking, he loves it and gets horny… but I have to ask for it. The thought of taking me into the bedroom and initiating it doesn’t even enter his mind.

He’s had a full panel of blood work and all of his hormones are normal.

His doctors are at a loss. He’s discussed this at length with both the urologist and the psychiatrist he sees for the Cymbalta. They’re out of ideas. Physically, he’s a healthy 51 year old man.

He recently had a sleep study done (at my urging) and he has moderate sleep apnea, but we don’t believe it’s severe enough to be impacting his libido.

He does not abuse alcohol or use recreational drugs.

What I’m looking for: Has anyone else (or their partner) experienced an inexplicable loss in libido following major physical trauma (e.g., surgery or an accident)? Does anyone have suggestions? I’ve heard of people trying different things with varying degrees of success, such as changes in diet, or herbal supplements.

I’m desperate. I love him so much and just want that connection back.

TL;DR Husband had major surgery 3.5 years ago that resulted in low T. His T levels are up, and viagra has fixed the erection issues, but his sex drive never came back and we’re stumped.

Me 45HLM and 40LLM are in a bad place.

The prolapse is getting worse and wife spends whole days in bed resting.

I am doing all the right responsible things as a parent and I am just burning out.

Sex would help me feel close, release, stress reliever and so much more.

And there’s nothing of that anymore.

My last blowjob was in April last year and I honestly don't feel like a priority to my wife.

I got all the toys to compensate but its not remotely the same.

I am just counting down the days until I pass away due to old age.

Hi,

Our struggle it’s been there for years. My wife is super hot, y still feel rush of desire every time she’s naked, or dress sexy, etc. I touch her a lot, hug, kisses, etc. but the sex is completely dead, we never reach that part, it’s been like this for the last 6 years. My self steam so low, I feel I can’t turn her on at all. She’s been with other guys, that has bring some spark back to our sex life but only for a couple of days. I feel I’m the only one she dose t want to have sex with. I have so much desire and frustration and feeling hopeless 😞 Any advice?

My wife (36F) has always been a bit on the low libido side, and is on the asexual spectrum; she enjoys sexual activity with me but if anyone else flirts with her she gets real spooked and just wants to hide. She would love for everyone except me to view her as a genderless, sexless vessel for chocolate and cat videos. She also has a diagnosed history of depression and anxiety, both of which she’s both medicated and in therapy for.

Two years ago she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. We’re lucky in that we caught it early and are in a position to treat it aggressively, but she’s lost a lot of strength and dexterity in her dominant hand and both legs, and she’s now dealing with chronic pain and fatigue. We now need a lot more planning, prep and aftercare for lovemaking, and more often than not she simply doesn’t feel up for much if anything.

We make love maybe 10 times a year and every time is amazing. I can honestly say that every time we make love it’s the best I’ve ever had. And maybe some of that is coming from a place of being afraid that every time could be our last.

Unfortunately she gets so upset with herself and angry with the limitations her illness places on her. She wants to be able to give me more sex. She wants to be able to relax and enjoy herself more and she just is so hard on herself for not being able to. She’s terrified that one day I’ll wake up and look at her and think “this isn’t worth the trouble.” Her libido went up slightly when her SSRI dosage got reduced, and we’re both appreciative of that, but I think she’s frustrated that it didn’t improve more.

I think I care less about the sex than I do about her being mean to herself about not being more sexual. I’d burn my libido out of me in a second if it meant her peace of mind (though she is adamantly clear that she wouldn’t want me to give up my sexuality).

I don’t know. I think knowing that we’re both wishing we were physically able to have more sex makes the absence of sex hurt worse.

Chronic illness sucks.

I (HLM 45) am dealing with a somewhat (and yet common) complex situation - wife (F 38) has a chronic illness but it has also come out that she might always have been LL. The illness compounds the difficulty of trying to work out our libido differences. Add to that that I have made some drastic life decisions to make our relationship possible (moved countries) and I now find myself seriously questioning my life choices. (Thankfully there are no kids in the picture)

I am at a stage where I don’t know what more I can do to make our relationship click. (We also have very different communication styles and resentment has built up on both sides for a while.) We’re in couples therapy but even though our therapist is great, I don’t see progress. I have taken sex off the table because I wanted her to focus fully on herself, and also get back some agency (at least now I am know why I am not getting laid). I have been falling out of love for a good while, but I am not ready to give up yet on us. I know I have work to do on myself too - which I intend to give a year and a half to, and then see what happens, if she reacts to that… or not.

But the possibility of leaving is very much present in my thoughts, and has been for a while. I am unhappy in our life. I have always been a very solitary kind of person and I am thinking that maybe I’d rather be in my own than have all the issues that come with a relationship and almost none of the joys. But of course, I feel like an asshole thinking this - she may be LL but she hasn’t chosen the illness.

Would any of you have good reads for such a situation? Books, articles? How can I best take care of myself while, and so as to, being as good a partner I can be?

Thank you.

My wife and have been together almost 2 years. Like nearly every story on here, mine starts the same. Intimacy was great in the beginning. Coming from a previous DB I was very forward about my expectations for Intimacy and sex. She was completely on board. It was perfect. Until it started to show down. Sex went from sometimes a few times a day to sometimes Lucky if it was one a week. This started about 3-4 months into the relationship and has steadily gotten worse over time. We've had many discussions about this and she assures me that it's not me.

About 6 months ago, she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. That has taken a huge toll on her physically and mentally. I've tried my hardest to be compassionate and she says that I have been. The issue is, now the Intimacy issues are because of the pain and such which, if the issues hasn't started long before that, I would believe but that's not the case. This started long before.

We decided to schedule sex. Which helped the frequency but the desire isn't there. She genuinely seems to enjoy once we get started (when she is physically able) but there is nothing outside of the windows of Intimacy. I can say something flirty or touch her in a sexual manner I get nothing from it. It's like she doesn't even know that I've said or done anything. She rarely initiates. She won't touch me sexually even during the act. Oral has been gone for a very long time except once a while for a little for foreplay every few months. I do all of these things for her with pleasure. I'm not a selfish lover. But because of this, the sex we are having just feels like she's doing it because I've brought it up so much and I feel terrible about that.

She's having shoulder surgery in 5 days and won't be able to do anything which is completely understandable. My concern is, if things are like this now, will we ever get back to what we even have nowmoreless what we used to have? I really feel like this is going to be the end.

I'm to the point of having this internal struggle. I want sex with her (that she is engaged in) more than anything but at the same time, I don't want sex with her at all. I feel guilty for my own needs. I feel terrible for pushing the issue with evening going on with her but at the same time, the issues started before all of this. She genuinely seems to feel bad about it all but yet does nothing to fix things. I've explained we don't have to have PIV sex. There are others ways of pleasuring each other that might not be so physically demanding. She shows little to no interest.

I guess the point of my rant is that I'm looking forward to taking sex off the table by force (surgery). My hope is since I know she can't physically do anything versus choosing not to that I can just get turn a point of turning it off and giving up. I can't leave her. What kind of man leaves his wife who needs him. Plus, I still love her very much. If sex was out of the equation all together, I think it might be easier because I'm not holding into hope that things will change. So, I've decided to give up completely. I'm not bringing it up, there's no more discussing about it. As far as I'm concerned, sex is off the the table for good.

What is your estrogen level?

I’ve had LL for probably 20 years (and I’m only 37). It was only within the last month that I ever got my hormone levels checked (no doctor or therapist ever thinks of checking because they’re so fixated on my religious upbringing and multiple sexual assaults). But my estrogen is 18pg/ml I think is the measurement unit. For pre menopausal women during the follicular phase of their cycle (which I was when blood was drawn) a normal range is 19-150. I was so excited I broke down in tears because maybe this is the thing to fix my libido!

I reached out to my OB’s office immediately “when will I get to talk to somebody??? I’m so excited to start hormone therapy!!!!”

They get back to me via patient portal chat that the doctor says that this is normal range for me and she doesn’t recommend any treatment!

I was absolutely dumbfounded. Has anyone else experienced this? Given my low libido and in the pits energy levels, I would think an estrogen level this low would warrant at least further exploration.

So I did already post about this in the regular DB group, someone pointed out that this one may be more fitting.

Me (35)m, wife (34). We are currently in a dead bedroom situation due to wife’s health. She is very Anemic and has never ending periods which leads to extremely low energy and sick feeling almost constantly. In 2022 we managed to have sex 4 times, 2023 twice, this year zero so for. With her health situation not seeming to get any better as the time goes on, what are some suggestions/solutions/coping methods that some of y’all may have to combat through this.

I (29M) have been doing all of the house work since my wife (28F) had a spinal injury and brain tumor. She has gotten significantly better since her surgeries, but still has physical and mental impairments. We are working towards SSDI to help with finances. She's able to do a part time customer support job to help as well. She usually asks me to fill her water cup or get/make her food because we live in her parents basement and she can do stairs but it is taxing to her. Sometimes on her really bad pain days, she'll ask me to grab her phone charger or turn off her nightstand lamp, which both are a foot away but she doesn't want to twist to do it. Nearly every night I rub her back and/or to try and help w the tension and pain.

I used to ask her to do small things like hey since you have 4 more hours free can you fold laundry if I leave the basket on the bed, or slowly work through what little dishes we have, not pots and pans just cups and plates and such. She always forgets and I genuinely do not know if it's the mental impairment, laziness, or something else. I just gave up asking.

As well as, I am the only person to take care of the pets in totality. We have a Great Dane that we were gonna train as mobility service dog for her, but I am stretched so thin I do anything and she never stuck with it. He is well behaved just service trained. I want to be more active in general and with the dog, but most days I see the mountain of physical tasks i must do and kinda shut down. Just grinding my way through the chores so the house stays semi-clean.

Intimacy issues have not helped at all either, she has both mental and physical blocks against intimacy. The closest we've been to intimate in the last 4 years is cuddling via spooning. But even that is limited because it usually devolves into her wanted back runs which forces me to back away from her to get a proper angle. I have had open relationships mentioned before but I have no interest in that, I just want her.

I just feel empty, my days consist of work, chores, video games, and rubs. She does her best to not ask me all the time and to let me have free time to go game. But honestly what I want most is her. We aren't well off right now, we're recovering, but that makes doing activities hard because we're so limited from her disabilities to begin with. I used to offer to watch shows or movies with her so that we can spend time together. But that seemed to always be shot down.

As much as I have been harping on her, I am no saint either. She has on several occasions been subject to being a therapist for me as I am a train wreck mentally. As well as I can hyperfixate on finances because of my upbringing, so she normally deals with them. She has definitely helped me become a better person and I will always love her that. I jokingly say without her I'd be dead in a ditch, but honestly it's true, she forced me to not shut away and isolate myself within confines of my mind.

Thank you for reading this.

I read an article here from a year ago about what care givers could do to look after themselves as they run the risk of falling out of love.

I am far from perfect and I have done things that I would imagine would cripple or undo other marriages. However, I am trying to turn a new leaf and stay committed to the "or worse" part of my vows.

I can feel myself falling out of romantic love and it makes me sad. I want to find a way to be happy in this but it seems to honour my vow, I will need to accept that I won't be fulfilled in marriage, only slightly satisfied.

I wonder daily if I can keep this going. It's been almost 4 years and no end in sight.

Keeping context short, more detail is in my post history.

She"s 51, in menopause, 5 year cancer survivor, multiple related surgeries, has progressive MS, family of origin trauma, repeated childhood SA, repeated marital rape in first marriage, date rape as young adult. Hates the way her body looks and feels.

This is the 2nd marriage for each of us. Married 21 years in June.

I think it would be almost impossible for someone to feel otherwise. However, she is very beautiful. Stunning.

She's on testosterone and estrogen creams and uses vaginal estradiol.

She won't try therapy. She's trying to heal on her own with her artwork, writing and water based exercises. I took on almost everything here at home so that she could have 3ish hours each day for those things or anything else she might choose to do for just herself.

It crushed me last week when we talked about our marriage and she said that her not wanting sex and never thinking of sex had nothing to do with me and wasn't my problem.

I'm not expecting a flood of sexual or sensual activity to suddenly happen. A kind word of affirmation. A kiss or hug that lingers for just a few extra seconds. A genuine thank you when i make a meal that's elevated from our usual.

I'll start seeing a therapist soon whether she goes or not. I'll keep holding space. I'll keep being the change i want to see, but it may just be too much her to overcome without help.