I (F33) and my partner (M33) have been together for 9 years. We both recognised our relationship has been struggling for the past several years and started couples counseling. One topic we touched base on was our lack of a sex life.

He does not want the burden of being the person to initiate all sexual encounters. I feel like I need a partner that is going to be willing and happy to do almost all of the initiating. We don't know if this relationship is going to work out.

Do I have any hope of being in a satisfying relationship someday? Has anyone found a partner that is happy and willing to do all the initiating? Internet searches thus far have been quite discouraging.

Most people seem to be associating spontaneous desire with having a HL but a HL person typically has a very quick and easy responsive desire as well as their spontaneous desire. They are the kind of people they would tell their LL partner. "I am not always in the mood when you ask me for sex, but I put in the effort, I come to bed with you, I get aroused and then we have great sex. Why can't u puy in the same effort?"

Emily Nagoski says that most people have a mix of spontaneous and responsive desire. Some people only have responsive desire and some only spontaneous. I believe spontaneous desire is internally driven while responsive desire comes as response to sexual stimuli.

My opinion is people with only spontaneous desire would probably identify within the asexual spectrum. They are the type of people that sexual stimuli leaves them uninterested most of the time. Looking at porn does nothing to them, they don't fantasise about hot people. But there are times they are randomly horny and THEN they can get sexually excited. Why is no one talking about the experience of those people?

A typical HL will get presented with sexual stimuli and their brain goes boom. A typical LL will be presented with sexual stimuli and they need the right context and they need a little bit more time, if they ever get there.

So how on earth is the second person who gets labelled "responsive"?

Hi all, recently I had a partner and found I was getting aroused very easily. I'd have fantasies about him randomly and that itself would be arousing. However, since we broke up, I no longer have those fantasies, and lack "baseline arousal". But, I'm feeling pressured to "learn about my body" and masturbate especially as I've never had an orgasm. I can start masturbating but I'm not aroused to begin with, and I can't seem to get very aroused during. At some point I don't even know if it's feeling good anymore.

What has worked for other people? To me, it feels a bit hopeless right now. Maybe I'll only feel aroused if I have a partner. But I don't want to have to rely on another person in order to orgasm.

I want to have sex with with boyfriend all the time. Every time we’re together I’m thinking about sex and wanting it and waiting for him to touch me. So I don’t think I have responsive desire. But for physical arousal, it’s responsive. I want sex super badly but I’m not wet, or any of the other indicators of physical arousal (vaginal wetness, clit engorged, vagina loosening up).

My bf and I are having sex issues and he wants me to initiate more, but I need physical touch and initiation on his part in order to get physically aroused. So much of the advice for women initiating is “just caress his dick, put it in your mouth and then ride him!” But while I like doing this, and do it often, it’s so painful because I’m not wet. I can’t get wet without touch. What is this all about? Are people really already wet by the time they’re initiating? If so, how do they get that way?

I am in a temporary-ish long distance marriage. I am military. Currently on a deployment. I'm away often and for long periods of time. I still have a few months before I'm home. My wife is a traveling scrub tech (similar to a traveling nurse). So when I AM home. We usually only get to see each other on the weekends. I am on the spontaneous side. But my wife is very much on the responsive side of the fence. She usually can't be TALKED into the mood. She has to be TOUCHED into the mood. ROMANCED into the mood. Neck kisses. Cuddles. Gentle brushing on the arm. Hugs from behind. Very much a touch person. So any time I initiate anything here.. it's.. frankly often ignored. For isntance today i tried to send a dirty text. And her response was "I think I'm going to go all some weeds". (Shes working across the country where her parents are. She was home VERY briefly to tend to the house. So she was on a time crunch. I just forgot thats what she was doing) i'm not mad about it. I hold no animosity. She's not a TV wife that hates sex. Her brain just works differently than mine. And thats okay. But I have NO idea how to encourage that responsive desire from her from the other side of the globe. It's rare we have downtime at the same time. So that's also a minor factor. I want to do better.. and find ways to spice things up from a distance while still catering to what she needs. Ixve done research. But very little has come up relating to long distance. If anything. I don't want to just be harassing my wife. Or for her to just.. do it because I want to and I'm in the mood. I want to find something that works for both of us. What are some ways you can feed the responsive desire when you're so far away?

I have read lots about reaponsive desire. I have tried touching which doesn't seem to do much. She only touches me because she knows I like touching but I don't think she actually wants to he touched. I've also read kissing. She doesn't want to be kissed. Not at all. She cringes if I kiss her. She likes foot rubs and I do this alot and it just relaxes her and she falls asleep. Same with back massages. Occasionally I accidently trigger something and she gets into sex but honestly I don't know how to make that happen.

Is there like an unofficial list of things to try to get her to the point where she actually would want to kiss or touch?

Thx

My partner subtly initiated with me a few days ago and I declined because I was on my period. We’re not having penetrative sex right now due to some pelvic floor issues I’m having; otherwise I would’ve been open to that. Knowing our intimacy options were mostly limited to acts I could do to him and having some rough cramps and bloating myself, I just wasn’t organically interested. He expressed today that he felt like he couldn’t ask for what he actually wanted in that situation, lest he be the “well your hands and your mouth still work” guy. He’s never been a selfish lover and very much enjoys giving, he’s not “that guy”, so it made me sad to hear he couldn’t express his desires with me and I want to help him feel more confident in the future. However, I also can’t think of a way he could approach this where it wouldn’t come off poorly.

Question for other responsive desire women: how would you want a male partner to approach you for intimacy that would mostly be focused on him when you’re “out of commission” for some reason? Is there a way for this to be done tactfully, in a way that feels good for both partners? I enjoy giving, but the context feels icky by default.

Hello, So my partner (M30) and I (F25) have been together for 6 years.

It’s been really great until about four months ago, when he started acting distant and we began arguing almost every other night. A couple nights ago he told me that he felt undesirable and unwanted because he always initiates sexual activity, and he feels like he is a creep forcing it on to me because I never start it. I tried to tell him that I just don’t really think about sex unless he starts it. He said that he will stop initiating things entirely and leave it up to me because he can’t handle it anymore.

I don’t know what to do, I only learnt about spontaneous and responsive desire this morning, and I just feel like a disappointment. I’ve hurt the person I love, I’ve ruined his self confidence. I feel like I’m not good enough for him, but I also feel selfish and don’t want to let him go. I don’t know how to make myself start thjngs. Whenever I’ve tried to initiate things in the past (dressing in a way he likes, kissing him, cuddling, random touches) he has never responded positively as he says cuddles, kisses, and other non sexual intimacy feels fake.

Has anyone gone through this before? I don’t want to lose him but this seems to be important to him. Thank you.

First post here. I'm a HLM in a DB with my wife. 15 years. Yes I'm already on that sub. Now, there are multiple factors at play here, so responsive desire is only part of it. But once I discovered the term, I was like "AHA, that is totally one of her core characteristics."

So, I'd like to do some reading on it. It can be boring, dry and professional as long as it is informative, particularly from the standpoint of me as a HL and her as a LL. And please not one of the 10,000 generic relationship books, I mean something that really hones in on this trait.

Although I have strongly contemplated divorce (for multiple reasons), I do want to try and approach the problem from this angle and see if we can improve our relationship to the point where I feel like it's worth remaining in.

Thanks!

I understand my desire is responsive and therefore I need to put effort / be intentional about sex. My partner ( HLM ) have constant conversations about how he doesn’t feel desired, that he doesn’t see any effort on my part to “want to make him horny”. Sex happens 2-3 times a week. Lately he gets a hard on and I go for it. I don’t deny any sex or foreplays. However, sex is not enough for him. He wants roleplay, for me to spontaneously dress up sexy in the house, for me to “charm” him in a sexual way… but I am not creative, I don’t think about sex at all…. for me, I love our sex, but I don’t like to spend a lot of time on it (too much talking, roleplaying, etc)! I like to concentrate on my senses, in my body, induce it to have a strong orgasm and to me, that’s it. He does enjoy it, but he hates that “that’s all there is” - sex, quick, nothing “extra”. He has asked me to “up my game” several times but I just don’t do it. It’s not even a conscious decision. It doesn’t come naturally to be to “be extra sexy and charming” after 10 years together. We have an amazing relationship together and the only lacking part (me feeling bad for not being “enough” X him never feeling desired) is this sex incompatibility. We have been having the same discussion and trying to adjust for years because we really want to be together. I want to act, but I feel paralyzed, stupid, inadequate. And all of that seems like nothing at all when I think that I could end my relationship over it. I am exhausted of having the same argument and I don’t know what do to.

My partner has responsive desire and as usual, doesn't do much of the initiating. As the HL with spontaneous desire I understand that thoughts of sex come easier to me and I will initiate more, but I want to feel wanted too. Balance and reciprocity are important to me, so how do I ask or encourage her to initiate more while knowing thoughts of sex don't come spontaneously to her?

Here's something cool someone said to me on a different sub...

if I'm horny because we had a long kiss in the morning, that feels good to me because it's linked to her. Warm and fun is a good description. If I'm horny spontaneously, it's more like an itch that needs scratched. That I'd rather be horny because of her than just randomly.

I agree with this person. To me, the biggest difference between spontaneous and responsive desire is that spontaneous desire feels irritating and unpleasant, like something you want to get rid of as quickly as possible, while responsive desire feels pleasurable, positively exciting, and intriguing.

What do you find to be the most important differences between spontaneous and responsive desire, in your experience?

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So reading up on RD in case my wife is that type of person. I’m a bit confused because foreplay is almost always suggested in order to make an encounter better and to make sure both people are pleased. But RD sounds basically like foreplay. Is there a fundamental difference? My wife definitely isn’t spontaneous, but I feel like I’ve tried to slowly get her warmed up in various ways and nothing has ever really worked.

i was raised in a conservative household where femininity and sexuality was shamed. now i’m in my mid20s and i want to start working on my inner resistance. it shows up in me looking down on being sexy, flirty, fun — i think one part is because i’ve internalized my upbringing and another part is because i’m jealous of it coming easier to other women. i’m so uptight, insecure and awkward for my age. i want to let go and feel free.

Thanks for this resource. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice to offer

A lot of the stuff I've read recently about responsive desire is that I should instruct my partner in what I need to get in the mood. Like what kinds of touches or activities make me feel aroused, etc.

Is it weird that I just don't really know what that is? It's not helpful to him or us if I don't even know what to ask for.... Has anyone else experienced this? How were you able to figure out what you need?

Like probably a lot of married people with young kids, about the only time of day my wife and I have the opportunity to have any sort of extended physical contact/affection is after the kids are in bed. Her favorite way to wind down at the end of the day is with various sorts of social media on her phone. This makes it really hard for me to do anything that's going to spark any kind of desire in her. And of course these social media apps are pretty much designed to suck you in and make you spend longer on them than you meant to.

How have other people made room for responsive desire to happen in their relationships, especially with a spouse who spends a lot of time on their phone?

Hi all, after any advice here to listen and learn
After posting elsewhere I was suggested to try here

I (m36) have a libido where I feel the need to have sex or orgasm every other day, she (f35) probably once a month, We probably have sex on average once or twice a month been together 14yrs

We have fallen into a poor routine of initiation.
we only initiate if im giving her a back rub. she has told me I 'just have to try in the moment'.
I kinda feeling now its dysfunctional, as im just 'trying my luck' as we basically have no communication and its difficult to know when to proceed or not.
recently she has been declining backrubs 'if it was going to lead to sex' . im glad she said that because
I'm more than happy to just give 'benign' backrubs and that's great to know where to leave it, as sometimes the rejections can be quite harsh if initiate un wanted, which discourages me from trying.
The difficulty is the borderline of when it becomes sexual because she also has said she enjoys it a lot when it starts off benign and then she becomes aroused.
we haven't had sex in a while and i'm not going to initiate when I have been told not to before we start, but now im 'scared' to try if I haven't been told.

we def have some communication issues. going to try have a chat tonight.

I would appreciate any advice or tools or any exercises etc that might help us communicate, anything i should say or not say tonight that might help her express herself etc. I'm a pretty good listener, its strange because we speak about everything else so well, but she finds intimate talk awkward.

thanks so much

​

Has anyone tried something like this? What happened?

Putting this out there as something to discuss.
It was suggested that RD might be confused with or in addition to a person being somewhere on the Asexuality spectrum (Graysexuality) which has varying levels of interest in sex and desire.
From a cursory look, it might be worth considering... I haven't formed an opinion on this yet.

One of the commenters suggested a post on how to initiate sex without pressure with a partner who has responsive desire. I'm going to start with some basic ideas and I hope others will share in the comments what works for them.

First, if your partner has unreliable responsive desire, be aware that they do not have control over whether they are able to get aroused or want sex. They may want to want sex, but if their arousal and desire do not kick in, they can't make themselves want it. Many factors may affect whether they are able to get aroused at a given time, including how they are feeling physically, thoughts that are on their mind, and how they are feeling about you and the relationship, among others.

So, when initiating, accept that your partner may or may not end up desiring sex. Initiate in a way that is enjoyable for both of you, whether or not sex is the outcome.

Also, pay attention and learn to notice how your partner is responding. Be genuinely interested in their experience, rather than focusing on how to get a particular outcome (sex). Pay attention to what they respond positively and negatively to, instead of getting stuck on the idea that they should like the same things you do.

It's also important to understand that the kinds of touch that feel good when a person is sexually aroused are different from the kinds of touch that feel good when they are not aroused. If your responsive arousal is very quick and consistent, you may never have noticed this. Maybe you go from zero to 100 in 15 seconds, so you've never had the chance to observe the change in the type of stimulation that feels good from not-turned-on to turned-on. However, if your partner is slower-to-arouse, it is very important that you know how this changes for them, so that you don't accidentally touch them in ways that feel bad when they're not aroused.

Learn what your partner finds arousing. What feels good to your partner when they are not yet aroused? This may be certain kinds of sensual touch. It may be certain kinds of flirty banter or sweet words. Think of the way you interacted with them when you were first dating. How did you seduce each other? Make small bids for affection instead of big, high-stakes bids.

Let initiation be mutual. If you say something to your partner or touch them in some way that you know they have enjoyed in the past, wait for them to respond or reciprocate before going further. Give them time to want more. Notice if they are asking for more, verbally or non-verbally. If they aren't showing that they want more, back off. Give them the chance to seduce you, as well. Pay attention because their bids may be subtle. If you were looking for something dramatic, you may have missed their attempts to initiate.

Don't initiate sex; initiate flirting and foreplay. If you ask a person with iffy responsive desire whether they want to have sex, out-of-the-blue, with no flirty lead-up, the honest answer is "No". They are not thinking about sex or wanting it in that moment. But, if you ask them if they want the kind of touch that they can enjoy without arousal, the answer may be "Yes". Give them a chance to consent to something they may actually want, and then see where it leads without expectation. Flirting and foreplay can be fun for both of you, whether it leads to sex or not. Notice that it can be pleasurable to get aroused and let the arousal fade away on its own. Arousal doesn't always have to end in orgasm.

Have an explicit agreement that either person can stop at any time they are not enjoying themselves. This requires a discussion about enthusiastic consent. The responsive desire partner may need to be encouraged to listen to their body and really pay attention to whether the flirting, foreplay, or sex is pleasurable for them. They may have gotten into a habit of pushing through uncomfortable sexual situations in hopes that their arousal will kick in eventually. This is a very bad practice that can lead the person to become more and more reluctant and anxious around sex and eventually to develop an aversion. Foreplay and sex should feel really good at every moment. If not, the person should redirect to something that does feel good or stop altogether. Let your responsive desire partner know that you are proud of them when they stop sex that isn't feeling good.

What other ideas have worked for you?

If you're a person with iffy responsive desire, how do you like your partner to initiate? What kinds of flirting and touch turn you on? How does the type of touch you like differ between when you are and aren't aroused? How do you maintain boundaries so that you never have touch or sex that you're not fully enjoying?

If you are the more quickly and easily aroused partner, what have you noticed arouses your slower-to-respond partner? How does the type of stimulation differ between when they are aroused and desiring sex and when they are not yet aroused? How have you made it safe for your partner to say no to unwanted sex or touch, at any time?

Spontaneous desire is a wish for sex that seems to come out-of-the-blue, with nothing external triggering it. This type of desire is common in men. Many men find that if they have gone a few days without ejaculating, they have an increase in spontaneous thoughts of sex and an "itch" or urge to have sex or masturbate. Most women rarely have a desire for sex that is purely internally-driven and comes seemingly out of nowhere in this way.

Responsive desire, on the other hand, is a wish for sex that is triggered by something external to the person. Some type of stimulus that the person finds sexually appealing causes them to think of sex and wish to engage sexually. The stimulus could be anything that the person finds arousing/appealing, such as seeing a sex scene in a movie, kissing their partner, or smelling their partner's cologne.

Most women have mainly responsive desire, and the most common spark of women's responsive desire is an appealing sexual advance by their partner. Most men also have responsive desire that is more quickly and easily aroused compared to women's responsive desire. Men's responsive desire is commonly sparked by visual stimuli (such as seeing their partner naked), whereas women's responsive desire tends to be aroused by flirtation, kissing, and caressing, rather than by purely visual stimulation.

Hey Everyone!

The sub just reached a milestone. We now have 1.0K members.

However, we have very few posts and little participation. What sort of content would you like to see? What might entice you to participate? What information about responsive desire are you interested in?

If I’ve always had spontaneous desire WHY after after children do I now have responsive desire? What would cause that change?

My boyfriend (34m) and I (31F) have been a couple for about three years and our relationship is the healthiest we've both ever been in. He knows me, supports and believes in me and we are just a great team. We don't live together and don't have kids.

Unfortunately, after the first six months of our relationship, our sex life dissolved piecemeal into nothing. My libido is generally very low, but when I'm freshly in love, all the happy hormones give me a higher drive, I think. However, this wears off after a while and then it becomes even more difficult for me to find my partner physically attractive, even though I love him with all my heart. When I fall in love, I don't usually care about the 'objective attractiveness' of men, because my feelings ensure that I find him beautiful and attractive, regardless of how tall, muscular or handsome someone is. Spontaneous sex is something I often find difficult and usually don't want in the first place because I know, for example, that he showers in the morning and unfortunately tends to have very bad foot odor after a few hours in shoes and doesn't take his dental hygiene very seriously (he's been trying to pay attention to this since I told him). It's not the reason, but definitely an aggravating factor in my willingness to be spontaneous with him.

Fortunately, he doesn't blame me for anything and also sees his responsibility in organizing our sex life. It's hard for me to talk to him about it because it often takes me back to the conversations I had with my ex and I feel like I'm somehow wrong or defective, even though he wants to talk to me about it without any recriminations. He's not necessarily HL, but I think he has a medium libido, if such a thing exists. However, his libido has also changed in recent years and has decreased quite a bit. I find it extremely difficult to initiate sex and I think that made him insecure at the beginning, but that's probably not the only reason. He recently told me himself that he doesn't understand what's going on with his libido, that he finds me incredibly attractive and loves me with all his heart. He said that sex isn't the most important thing for him and that it's much more important to him that we support each other and are a good team. That makes me feel extremely relieved, because that's how I feel too. The conversation was a few days after I took matters into my own hands in the evening after weeks, if not months, of initiating sex. It was a bit bumpy, we were both kind of out of practice and cerebral and he eventually had to give it up. I think the insecurity about it made him want to talk to me. At some point, I mentioned to him that I thought I my libido wasn’t just low, but also responsive (a term I recently learned from social media). I think he understood that he would have be the one initiating sex most of the time, but think he may feel burdened with that responsibility (understandable)?

Still, I worry that this will eventually become a problem. I sometimes have the desire to relive that phase of infatuation, fantasize about series characters and their romances, and all in all miss the feeling of newness and excitement that allows me to feel like having sex at all. It’s not even that I want to sleep with other men, it’s more that I miss the hormonal state that allows me to have those feelings. I‘m pretty sure he feels the same and would love to experience something new.

We talked about open relationships, and I have more experience in that matter and am usually not jealous, but he doesn’t want that because he’s often insecure and compares himself to other men he thinks are more physically attractive that him. As long as that doesn’t change fundamentally, an open relationship will not be an option since both partners need to be on board with it equally. Maybe we will meet someone one day who likes both of us equally in case we want to try something new, but I don’t want to start chasing unicorns to spice up our sex life while we fail to do that on our own. Also, I don’t think polyamory or open relationships should be used to compensate relationship issues, I’m sure that never ends well.

So, after typing out this novel… where do we go from there? I appreciate any insights. Thank you!

I'm at a loss. My fiance would like for me to initiate more often, but I find it difficult to do so. I tend to have more reactive desire, so it's really difficult for me to initiate when I'm already not in the mood. Spontaneous desire doesn't happen very often for me, and when it does, it's quite fleeting. He's always telling me that initiating should be easy, because literally anything will have him in the mood and ready to go. I could say "hey let's fuck" or I could literally grab his dick and he's ready. He tends to initiate using what I would consider to be heavy petting or foreplay. It frustrates me. It makes me feel rushed, anxious, and objectified. Foreplay and heavy petting aren't the best way to initiate with me, but I'm having trouble figuring out what is. With previous partners and relationships, I never really had the responsibility of initiating, which I didn't understand or realize until my current relationship. I just want to know if anyone else as the lower libido partner has had success in learning how to initiate in order to maintain a fulfilling sex life? I just want to be able to initiate in a way that makes me comfortable, but also effectively communicates that I want to have sex. I say that last part because my previous attempts at initiating sex tended to be too passive to be obvious.

Edit: sorry about my headline. I meant *with not work.