I (36F) have had a dwindiling libido for a while now but it's almost non-existent at this point. Husband is very understanding and doesn't push. We do cuddle daily so physical contact isn't an issue. Relationship is great, so no complaints there. Together for 10 years, married for 5.,

I've noticed in past long-term relationships that my libido has always lowered over time and I've heard it's quite common with women. Currently we maybe average being intimate once every 1-2 months. I'd like to increase that but not force myself. Husband has mentioned he misses being intimate with me and I do miss it to.
Mentally for me I do enjoy it when we are intimate but I often see the foreplay as a hassle but a necessity to get me ready.

What have other women done to increase their libido?

Extra info:
- I'm on hormonal birth control. Have been on it for 20 years without issues but two years had to switch to a different one (depo provera). Husband is open to getting snipped but I'm the one hesitant.
- Childfree, no pets. Housework is equally and fairly distributed.
- Both have well paying relaxing jobs. I'm studying next to my job and while stressful it's not too bad.
- Last year I had some mental health issues that I got treatment for and have now been fixed.
- We are both pretty vanilla. No need to go outside of that and I've experimented in the past and happy to stay vanilla.

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Bf dont want look at my naked body.

My boyfriend and Ive been together in a middistance relationship for a year. We see eachother every second weekend. When we meet it is lovely and sex is good. There is one thing I find hard to deal with which is my boyfriends lack of interest in my body outside the darkness of a bedroom which is making me feel very undesired.

When we shower together he dont want to look at me. I've brought it up and I have told him that how bad that makes me feel. He has explained himself that he is shy in that way and dont consider showering as sexual situation. I have suffered earlier of bodyshame and I try overcome that by making myself go into situations where I dont hide my body and him not even looking at me not to mention touch me in the shower makes me feel so unwanted.

He never makes a move touching me sexually outside the bedroom unless I ask him to or put his hands on my breasts. If we are watching a movie together on the sofa and I have just a towel on he dont have the urge to touch me under the towel. In the bedroom he always likes to have sex with the lights off. He doesnt look at me pussy or breasts with the lights on. I confronted him on that last time we had sex and told that it would make me feel more desired and sexy if he did. He told me it is not me it is him, that he is not that kind of person who likes to look at "body parts" straight quote.

I find it really hard to shake of these thoughts in my head that he is not attracted to me. I also find it hard to get really aroused when I have these thoughts in my head that I am not desired. Am I being too needy? Am I asking too much when otherwise he is a caring boyfriend who isnt selfish in bed and treats me with respect. Are there really guys who dont feel the need to look at their womans naked bodies or have their hands all over her body every chance they get?

My wife and I both really enjoy the nights where we take things extra slow and especially take the time to “pamper” ourselves before we have sex. We thought a whole night(3-4 hours)dedicated to this would be a lot of fun! Here are the things that we already do that my wife really enjoys. I would love any ideas on how to make these better or new ideas to incorporate.

-Shower together(any suggestions to make this better, though it is already great?!), then dry off together, lotion each other down and put on pre-warmed robes.

-massage(sometimes sensual/erotic, sometimes just a simple massage)

-do something traditionally spa related together(masks, foot bath, etc)

-play sex related games in bed which is mostly couples phone apps that we really like, but we have some sexy board and card based games too

-watch porn! We both like watching porn but haven’t found a genre that we both really like. Any tips to figure that out would be great!

I am generally game for trying(most) things at least twice sexually. My wife is a little more reserved, so I don’t want to surprise her with anything, in case that was a suggestion. I like to talk things out with her before to make sure she is comfortable and has time to sit with the idea before making a decision.

So, thoughts?!?! Really would like to wow my wife, so I would appreciate any suggestions.

Hey! I am 31M and my wife is also 31.

We have been dating for 12 Years and been married for 5. No kids yet.

However, the sex life is not what it was 10 years ago. The frequency has reduced to about 2-3 time a month. Is that too less?

Secondly, one of my favourite parts about sex is eating her out (and also being eaten). We used to do oral a few times a month before we introduced sex toys in our life. However, over the last year, she’s become apprehensive about oral (giving and receiving both). It’s not like she doesn’t enjoy it when we do it but there’s some resistance in starting. I can usually make her cum more than once in oral sex. (Highest is 5 times on the go!)

I discussed with her and she said that she has started feeling oral is a little dirty. Like it’s not the best place for the mouth to be in. She gets worked up about how she smells and simply doesn’t allow me to do down. I suggested we take a shower together every time we want to have oral. But, is that what all couples do? Shower before oral sex every time? We used to have impromptu oral too but it feels like it’s been ages!

Third is that I love to experiment including roleplay, soft domination, teasing, new positions etc. and try a variety but she’s been quite vanilla of late. We did a sex calibration test but it wasn’t too useful as most of her things were no or maybe.

Lastly, we love each other a lot. We are not looking to add partners even though we attended a swingers party just for the voyeur. We got off on the idea of dry humping other people the night before the party. In the party, we kept our hands to each other only and mostly watched other people.

Would appreciate any tips to increase our sex drive and understand what other couples in similar scenarios.

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Recently things have heated up in the bedroom with my gf (31f) and I (35m), which has been fantastic. Been together for 7 years or so but went through a dry spell earlier this year, have a young kid and both working long hours, but since summer things in the bedroom have come back marvelously with a vengeance. Aside from the welcomed fact that we’ve been having sex almost daily as of late, there’s been instances where some new things have been happening, particularly when we’ve had a few drinks. She’s taken a keen interest in my ass, started with some rimming and has progressed to some finger play. Admittedly I’ve enjoyed both, but the sudden inclusion of this is somewhat out of character. She enjoys the same although we’ve never actually done full anal.

Fast forward a couple weeks, I went to use her phone to send myself a few pictures she had, but when I opened it I came face to face with some hardcore gay porn. I wasn’t mad at her for watching it, but I was taken aback since I had no clue she watched porn, let alone that genre. This led me to thinking - is this a new thing for her? Is this why she’s suddenly taken an interest in my back door? Does she want me to do those things to her? I tried talking to her about it but she was very uncomfortable so I laid off the topic, we need to and will work on communication in that department, but it’ll probably be slow going which is fine. I’m straight but I’d be open to trying things with her, especially if she has a kink or fantasizes about stuff. In the meantime, I’m left curious and have so many questions! I know we need to improve communication there and we’ll get there, but wanted to see whether anyone had some input in the meantime!

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My (42m) wife (42f) and I are going through a sexual renaissance. After almost 2 decades of a dead bedroom, a 1 week stint of saying we wanted an open relationship and then shutting it down because feelings, we've now essentially rediscovered each other as sexual beings for the past 4.5 months. Well, this is really the first time my wife has discovered that for herself, but i digress...

We still have to work through lots of emotions and negotiations about this, but lately I've been insatiable and she's pretty close to that level. Porn & masturbation doesn't cut it for me anymore, and it gets in the way of being with her. I just want to be near & touching her all the time. I back off when she says no, its not like I ask every day (well, this week maybe I have), and she said that she's feeling more sexual than ever too and is generally rearing to go.

The advice I need: as a middle aged person, it's very distracting to be horny All. The. Time. I'm not 16. I have a job, coach our 11yo in a robotics team, play in bands at night...I can't spend all day horny & distracted. But I also want to focus my sexual & emotional energy on my wife so just rubbing one out is counter productive, even if it lets me focus more on my job for a while longer. Has another middle-aged or older person of either gender experienced this, and how do I keep up our amazing sex life without reverting to too much self-pleasure, or just being uncontrollably horny all the time?

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Just over a year and a half ago, my husband suddenly and tragically passed away. We had a great sex life and I felt like we were really starting to get to a place where I was fully comfortable.

Fast forward a year and a half, I'm dating a new wonderful guy and he makes me feel comfortable and sexy during all of our sexual encounters. So much so, that I'm squirting almost every time he makes me orgasm.

Last night after a particularly teasing filled encounter, I squirt a LOT; more than I ever have. He also never had a girl squirt with him, so this is new to us.

A part of me worries that I'm just peeing all over him and we are thinking it's squirting. I know squirting includes some urine, but how do I know if it's just peeing? Or do I just not worry about it since we both are enjoying it? I usually try to pee right before sex/fooling around and then right after (to avoid UTIs) and after I always also pee, it's not like my bladder is empty.

Am I just worrying to much?

A year ago we (myself 35m wife 35f) had our 10 year anniversary and to say the trip went poorly would be an understatement. On top of all the logistics that went wrong we also only had two very lackluster sexual encounters over 9 days. This lead to a very honest conversation about our expectations, which has helped, but I wished I had a better understanding of the true numbers behind our sex life. More than once she insinuates our bedroom is not as dead as it had been.

I’m a good lover. A good lover who was now on a mission to prove her wrong. For the whole of 2024 I have been keeping a digital journal of each of our sexual encounters.

I include basic notes, when, where, outcomes, and overall vibes. I thought I would get used to this practice but it still feels weird. My wife didn’t know for the longest time but I spilled to her about it not long ago. She thinks it's funny and will now jokingly ask afterwards if I'm going to put "that" in the journal. What she doesn't realize is that I plan on using this data to confront her with the reality of our sex life at the end of the year.

Am I being weird? We have made communicating a bigger goal (this is how I found out she likes to be choked) and we have made so much progress, how do I bring up what I gather from the journal? Am I the only person who records their sex life this way?

Update:

Thank you all! Keeping me humble I see. I do appreciate it.

For the record it’s just notes on the journal app, not a full blown spreadsheet, but I digress.

I don’t know that I meant the good lover bit, was more trying to keep this light hearted. My default approach to addressing stuff that makes me uncomfortable is be inwardly sarcastic but outwardly I can see that reads as arrogance. I have self doubts about myself as a lover, I think that might have a lot to do with how we got here. I see in this instance how arrogant that can be. And maybe there is some subconscious truth to me thinking that yes I am a good lover. Sounds like something worth unpacking later. Thank you all for immediately pointing that part out. Truly, it would serve me well to not talk like that.

Someone said it best, I don’t intend to confront so much as protect myself from feeling gas lit when we do have the conversation. Maybe not a “good” lover but I feel like I’m at least attentive. I wanted to keep track to make sure I am putting in enough effort in the bedroom as well.

Another thing you guys got right, I think I’m the one being surprised by the data, our frequency is not as bad as I would have guessed it to be (averaging 3 times a month). One important thing I’ve learned from reading other posts has been frequency comparison is not healthy, every relationship is different and has different needs. The journal helps me avoid that by staying focused on what’s going on in our relationship and our needs. But my wife has had trouble having doesn’t conversations and tries to shut down any conversation by saying we have sex plenty. And maybe we do, maybe this frequency is just where our relationship is at, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy for thinking and feeling the opposite at times.

As far as outside factors, I actually was including notes about what was being done outside the bedroom. Maybe I will try to expand on that a little more though so I can watch that trend more carefully. This seems like a good way to help motivate me and keep me accountable for work outside the bedroom. Also will help me see where each of us is putting in the work. Thank you for that advice.

One last point, my wife knows about the journaling, and I know she knows that when frequency comes up this would be the first thing I would point to. I don’t want to bring it up, and I don’t want to prove her wrong. I just want to know all of the facts and have a true temperature reading before going into a conversation about frequency. Me saying “prove her wrong” was more disingenuous bravado to make me feel good. Maybe this is also why we shouldn’t write Reddit posts at 1am.

Thank you so much for helping put me in my place. I really do appreciate it. I’m going to keep up with the journal, maybe with some of these changes it will help me find a different attitude and motivation to do and will be a more useful tool for myself, and when we do talk I can do so from a more educated and informed space.

And, no, I don't mean XXX videos. Me: 43, F, cis, poly but only 1 partner at this point. Him: 40, M, cis, hetero and monogamous. No kids, 3 crazy dogs, both work 40+ hr/week in caregiving professions. He's almost a decade clean from heavy drugs. He cleaned up without the help of a support group, a doctor, medication, or even his family's support in most cases. He grew up in some of the worst situations a kid could and his ADHD went basically ignored. I know-- I KNOW-- a lot of this isn't something he could help before... but maybe I just don't matter to him enough when compared to what looks like a game addiction or a work addiction to try to meet me part way.

We've been experiencing a slow bedroom death that started some time after his mother moved out of the house part-way through the pandemic shut down, but before he was shot last autumn. In the intervening time we've experienced SIGNIFICANT stressors, including multiple family and pet deaths and job problems for both of us, and then he was victim of a drive-by shooting in the autumn, so he's still physically recovering after having one of his legs basically turned into kindling.

I do not and have never expected him to do feats of athleticism in the bedroom. I'd just like him to be around in some capacity while I get off, maybe even help me orgasm Before or without anything penetrative every now and then. But the enthusiasm he had for sex when we met almost 7 years ago isn't even in the building any more. He seems to feel entitled to it, but he'll never be demanding if I'm not feeling it at that specific time. We both masturbate at least 3/week and there's a fair bit of openness about it. And, tbf, I'm hard to get off (trauma in the past, and therapy too.)

Sensory Play really helps-- but he can't or won't participate. Since oral doesn't help me, he just doesn't seem to give a shit.

Anyway, while he can't or won't focus on getting me off, or stick around for 10 minutes while I try to do it myself, even every third or fourth time we have sex-- before or after penetration, I don't care-- he puts up at least 4 hr/day every day of the week on a console based MMO that he can concentrate on so intensely during that time that the dog crying to go out doesn't even register with him at all.

What led to this post are 2 remarks he's made over the last month where he's "joked" that my vibrator makes him feel "like a cuck". I've been trying to talk about the amount of time and energy he spends on that console since his mother moved out and we rearranged the house so he had a room separate from our bedroom to game in and nothing improves...

then he makes shitty "jokes" about me cheating on him with a 4" piece of rubberized plastic with a motor in it.

I'd be pissed if I weren't so deeply hurt.

I don't do ultimatums, so there won't be a "either you learn to fuck better or I'm leaving" confrontation at this point. There will be a "You don't have the right to call it 'cheating' for using a vibrator when I've felt neglected in the bedroom for this long and you've burnt out 2 consoles with your daily gaming," conversation. What I hope someone here can get on my radar is any kind of book, blog, YouTube channel, therapy source, etc. that will help me communicate clearly that I have an unmet need in our relationship that I want to see change, and that his console time is part of the problem. Tia.

I've tried face sitting probably between 20-30 times, but never have gotten much physical pleasure from it because I can't figure out how it's supposed to work.

For me to get proper clit access my lips have to be held spread open. If not held open, they'll pop back in place and direct clit access isn't possible. But this isn't possible with face sitting because my thighs are in the way of the hands and I need my hands to hold the bed headboard for balance. So it ends up being non-direct clit access the whole time.

Flexing my thighs is the opposite of relaxing. When flexing my quads gets tiring, I switch to leaning back and flexing my butt and abs instead to let my quads rest. But I'll never orgasm because of this tension. I'm like hovering and trying to keep still so my clit is situated. people say on Reddit, "don't worry, just sit!" But if I truly do that, I end up sitting on his chest on my butt thus losing clit-mouth connection, or if I sit forward with relaxation, the pain on my labia from the weight makes it not enjoyable.

People say they grind while face sitting, but how do you avoid grinding on the teeth? is the grinding done on closed lips? I just don't get it.

My clit is up front, so to put my clit in his mouth, I have to lean way forward, but this tires my abs because I don't want to crush his nose, and the angle of the mouth is more dowanward facing than ideal for direct clit access. It's like the angle allows for licking the clit hood, but not under the clit hood.

How are we all doing this? Is it just harder because of my anatomy?

All right, sexy people, what have you been up to? Let’s hear all about the good, bad, funny, weird, fun, and amazing things that have happened!

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I'm in a weird situation where I have been in heterosexual relationships my whole life, and have recently been curious about experimenting sexually with other guys. I am in a committed relationship with someone who I have been 100% open with about this and who is supportive of me actually trying things. I would only be interested in doing hand/oral stuff.

The problem I'm running into is that I don't know what to expect. I know it's relatively easy to find "someone" that's down for casual stuff, but I want to make sure I'm being safe. I don't want to get an STI and I also live in a conservative area and I don't want to get hate crimed.

Lots of the stories about first times on reddit come off as exactly that - stories. Fantasy, sometimes borderline beyond belief. I'm looking for real, relatable experiences, if anyone has any.

Hi everyone,
I’m in need of some help!! My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, but over the past year (since March), we’ve only had sex 3 times. He still gets morning erections, but he struggles to maintain one during sex every time. We love each other very much, but he told me he did not get turned on last night, which he thought was the main problem. I suggested he see a doctor to check for any underlying conditions, but his recent bloodwork (from 3 months ago) came back normal. We communicate well, and the emotional aspect of our relationship is stable and healthy.

Some background: he's 30 years old. Life has been tough for him over the past year, and I know stress could be a big factor. He struggles with stress and gets overwhelmed easily. He said he has no performance anxiety. He’s also fairly obese, around 290 pounds, but he’s very active. Think of the typical football player build—muscular with fat. He’s currently trying to lose weight to see if that might be contributing to the issue. I'm trying to be understanding and not pressure him cause I know this can only worsen the situation, but I'm very sexually frustrated and worried about our future sex life. Any advice or tips for us?

*Update: thank you for all your tips. I’ll have him follow the plans. both of us are just feeling devastated and he’s freaking out because he’s only 30 and he doesn’t know why this is happening to him. We tried to have sex today and even though he was very aroused, he couldn’t stay erected. Honestly I’m trying to be strong for him but it’s very hard for both of us not to catastrophize. I just want some words of encouragement and positive vibes.

hi guys 32m here. i've been in relationships my whole life until the last 8 months, never done casual sex or hookups before all throughout my 20s and up until now. so i was curious to turn to this community as well because maybe someone else has the perspective of having your first casual sex in your 30s.

now i'll be traveling soon and have been talking to someone 29f online that i met through a website for kinks we both share. we've video chatted and are planning to meet and hook up at my hotel while i'm there.

i'm excited for my first ever casual experience but as i haven't done this before i'm worried there might be some common tips for protection that i'm not aware of. both STI protection and just personal protection as well.

any tips for a first timer are much appreciated!

I am the wife. I’m the insecure one.

If you take the time to read this whole thing, thank you. I’ll try to keep it short.

Me and my husband have been together over 12 years, I’m 31, he’s 32. I recently stopped taking the pill and it has completely changed me as a person. In a GOOD way..

My sex drive is crazy now, we used to have sex maybe once a week and it would be pretty boring. Now I’m like a sex mad animal, I want it all the time, and I want it in different ways, not just PIV. I have discovered kink and I love it, I love how it makes me feel, our sex is absolutely incredible and we are much closer in other aspects of our marriage as well.

Due to my increased sex drive I am dressing more confidently, spending time on my appearance and I feel really good about myself, and here comes the downside..

Because we are being more kinky, we are googling a lot. We send each other porn links (my idea), and we re enact them. Because I am submissive and I ask him to think of things to do, he will look at porn/on Reddit/fet life to get ideas.

Here comes my stupid brain…. Let’s say for example he sees a ‘scene’ and he says, why don’t you get a leather dress like that? WHY do I get self conscious in my head? Why do I overthink and not wanting him looking at other kinky girls getting fucked? I don’t want him seeing them and thinking wow she’s hot.

I’m looking for someone to help me think about it in a different way, I can’t help feeling like this and trust me, if I could switch it off I wish I could..

Thanks for reading this far.

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Hi all,

Has anyone had the experience themselves or a partner who has 'switched' from a responsive to spontaneous desire type? My wife was CLASSICALLY the responsive type. Have read Come As You Are are basically it could have been written about her! But recently she's horny so often and says she even gets horny when doing things like cleaning and washing at home. The things that were always her blocks in the past.

Any other experiences here?

My wife rarely initiates sex. I wouldn’t mind initiating the majority of the time, except that she’s oblivious to any subtle hints. She needs sex to be explicitly mentioned, which I find incredibly difficult. Asking “do you want to have sex?” while we’re cuddled on the couch makes me feel like I’m begging (which isn’t fair to the folks out there in sexless relationships). But she does not respond to anything less direct.

Our sex therapist has suggested scheduling, but even thinking about having that conversation causes me similar anxiety. The idea of asking “can we plan to have sex Wednesday?” fills me with a strong sense of embarrassment. It’s not that I’m embarrassed about sex itself—my wife and I regularly attend sex parties and have introduced other people into our sex lives. It’s specifically the act of requesting sex that gives me problems.

Does anyone else have experience with this? How do people who are into kink talk about scheduling the prep and logistics of a scene?

I (M35) feel my performance is being affected by things like work/ family pressure or some argument we might have had. We have been together for 4 years. This issue has crept up the past 2-3 months. I am trying to get into the right mood to initiate sex but it doesn't seem to happen anymore and feel caught in a rut.

Hey everyone- new here but I thought I'd see if anyone has any input. My wife and I have great sex, but recently she was prescribed an anti-anxiety med (very much needed, trust me!) and one of the side effects is that it basically destroys sex drive, which she is currently dealing with. Once we actually start going it's great, but getting her there is the problem. Anyone have any experience with getting around a medically-induced lack of desire?

So I know a lot of people here are going to read this and be like "well duh", but I just have to share.

So I'm 33, wife is 32, we're coming up on 12 years, 3 kids ages 7-10. We've always had a really amazing sex life, but as our youngest has gotten older we've really experienced a sex boom over the past 3 years. We have sex pretty much every day, often for a couple hours.

I lifted through my 20s and we've generally been pretty healthy and fit, with sex as a large motivation for that. But the past few years I've really felt like the only clear sign of aging I feel is that my range of motion is more limited, I'm more stiff, there are fewer positions I'm truly comfortable in. I make Dad noises when getting up from sitting.

We've really taken the fall to kind of start a new season of health rhythms which have included daily cold plunging, daily smoothies and overall clearner diet, getting our vitamin and supplement regimen tight, and daily yoga.

The past week I've really felt like I've kind of opened up and made big mobility and flexibility strides, and I feel awesome. I've never felt this good in my body. But the best part by far is the sex.

Now challenging positions don't hurt, they feel good. I have so much more mobility in my hips and it makes penetration so much more dynamic, I can get deeper, hit more angles, and it doesn't take more effort, the movement feels good now rather than strained. The breath work so integral to yoga helps a ton with orgasm control and decentralizing sensation to move it throughout my body. And being so open and flexible makes orgams for both of us both more accessible and more explosive and full-body.

And that's not even getting into the emotional and mood benefits. Walking around with less tension and feeling better in general is so good for my mental health. I just feel light and free and happy.

Highly recommended. Never thought I would feel such huge benefits in such a short time. I really feel like this is going to be so helpful for maintaining our sexual health as we age.

EDIT: This really is the best sex sub. Loving the yoga stories, keep them coming!

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We have been together over 30 years. We are very comfortable with each other and have a good sex life. We enjoy similar things sex wise. Except when it comes to talking about sex. Now my wife is the opposite of quiet and is very outgoing on any other topic. For myself I am much more quiet then she in social settings. But I like to talk about sex with her. I like to know what she is thinking, feeling and why. But whenever I ask I get very short answers and a change of subject without the opportunity for follow up. I have said to her many time sharing is caring. She will laugh it off and change the subject. Has anyone else had success in concurring type of dynamic?

So, we're going away next weekend for a date night, and I was thinking I could try to initiate a stranger role play as a naughty surprise. I have an idea of being a random guy in town on business and I'm only there for one night before I have to go, I'm also an ex-pat so I could use that to my advantage (English guy who can't speak the local language irl I can).

I'm sure she will click on to the idea if I can make it obvious what I'm doing, she's seen the Modern Family series and remembers well the episode where this idea was used so I'm hoping that that helps.

I don't want to blatently say out loud "hey, let's do a role play" but I wanna try and hint at something that would suggest she should "be on the look out" for a sudden change in my behaviour as it were. Any ideas?

We don't have any problems with communicating our wants, likes and dislikes in sex, this just seems like a fun idea to try.

cheers

Every week, we offer this thread as a way for people to ask simple/basic questions from the sub’s readership.

Post topics that typically are removed from the main feed – polling-style questions, common topics questions, etc. – are generally allowed in here. Story posts however do not belong here.

The thread stays pinned throughout the week for people’s convenience. Ask away!