I’ve been clean sporadically the past six months. But a lot of of the time I will take oxy, and then Sub for a few days. The mental clarity comes back after a week or two but I usually get pretty bad brain fog when I initially transitioned to subs and then for a few days. Anybody else deal with that?

I took this week off of work. I’ve been planning this kick for months probably. I have all my comfort meds. Everything is in order. I knew it was gonna suck but in a way I was looking forward to finally being rid of this shit. I was very optimistic. I wake up the first morning of what was supposed to be my final kick….

I’m sick. Not Dopesick mind you. Or even a little flu. I have like Norovirus or something. Like extremely fucking sick. I picked-up of course. There is no way I could’ve been going through withdrawals while dealing with this. I literally might’ve died. Despite the fact that I’m doped to the gills, I still haven’t even gotten out of bed for 3 days. I can’t even imagine how I would be feeling if I couldn’t have picked up.

Feels bad man. I was so ready to do this! Now I’ve used up all my vacation. My work is getting busy again. Not sure when I’ll have the opportunity to do this again. I feel trapped.

Try not to get so paralyzingly hung up on wasted time, missed opportunities, regrets and the like.

If you are an addict, it is almost certain that you have essentially thrown away some significant portion or aspect of your life. Wasted something that you will never get back. I also wouldn't be surprised if that thing you wasted ended up being something incredibly precious to you, and the thought of that loss is soul crushingly difficult to cope with psychologically. It sucks.

Don't get me wrong. Regret is important. It serves a logical evolutionary purpose. It is a powerful indicator that is easily remembered. A quick reference alarm for you to use in the future to avoid the regretful mistake a second time. But we're addicts. I don't think it's a stretch to say we tend to take things to extremes. To excess.

Regret is worthless to you if you wallow in it. Just like with our addictions, too much of something is almost always horrible. Every day you spend feeling sorry for yourself is another wasted day. Another day to Regret later.

Do you want to come to the end of your life regretting the fact that you spent your entire life regretting all the things you fucked up? I certainly don't. I'll keep my Regret, but I'm going to use it to my advantage, not my detriment. I hope you do too.

Does anyone have any particular regrets that they've had a very difficult time coming to terms with? Something that just needles you whenever you have a quiet moment alone? I love to hear about some of the things you guys are dealing with and what it has taught you.

How has guilt and/or shame perpetuated your cycle of addiction?

For me, the more I did shitty things, the more I tried to cover up the feeling by using. But the more I used, the more shitty things I had to do to continue using. To cover up the feeling. On and on and on forever.

Check in here.

I just recently turned 26 and have been addicted to fent for 5 years with only one attempt at getting clean. Went to a 30day inpatient rehab over 2 yrs ago and only made it to 45 days til i went back. I have been close to broke at times throughout the entirety of my addiction but i currently have a good nest egg of over 20k saved. I want to get clean now while im ahead, before i inevitably squander it. I have an amazing mom, sister, & bestfriend for support, 2 kids (5 & 7 yo) that i've always managed to put first and provide a great life for by being present and providing financially when it comes to their needs. I co-parent well with their mother, we share the time with them 50/50 split, and have never missed a child support payment of $100 a week. But, nobody close to me knows about my addiction besides a childhood friend who often encourages me to take the leap and get clean. I'm afraid to let them down.

The only things that hold me back are:

1. The fear of severe withdrawal considering I have a very high tolerance of about 1.5-2.5 grams a day and continuous use for 5+ years.
2. The disappointment from my family in coming out to them. Putting them through the betrayal of knowing i've secretly continued my use this whole time since I last went to rehab over 2yrs ago. And the burden of anxiety and worry it'll put them through seeing me go through it once more, knowing that it didn't work the first time around and that i've kept it a secret all this time.

Any tips/suggestions for whatever I can do to help ease me through the withdrawal and how I should approach coming out to my family are welcomed & appreciated. Thanks in advance. 🖤

I’m on day 30 off of 90mg pharma oxy habit and still get yawns attacks, chills, anxiety, restlessness and get slight nausea in the mornings. Not doing too great mentally. I have good days but don’t feel like myself overall. Hate this. Want to use so bad but too scared to reset progress.

I was using on and off for about 9 months, but more days off than on. I would take 1 to 2 week breaks constantly to prove myself that I can easily get out if I wanted to. I have a long history of opioid addiction but prior to relapsing I had 4 years clean. I didn’t expect to still be feeling this way.

My brain is playing tricks on me and I’m convinced I’ll never feel mentally ok and maybe that’s what lead me to relapsing after being abstinent from drugs for so long. I feel like I’m going crazy because my brain is still in survival mode.

I messed up bad back in late November. My doctor had discontinued my Suboxone because I didn't want to keep reporting for a piss test every week. Not that I blame that. It wasn't surprising how fast it got to the point of needing a bag every other day. And damn, let me just say even in the short time since I got clean the first time the stuff out there right now sucks (even worse). But regardless, I'm coming up on a month cold turkey of kicking again. Night sweats, insomnia, nausea, the whole thing. But I feel better physically now than I did while stable on the Subs.

I've never done any opiates besides pressed blues/fentanyl/whatever is in them now, and the Suboxone.

Just a reminder recovery isn't a straight line. You don't have to relapse but if it happens just be thankful you made it out to the other side and get back your life. Love y'all

I did different Z e n e s, Oxy and Methiodone for about one Year. I CT the Z for 8 days, couldnt bare it, so i took Oxy for one week and tapered to zero. Today is day 10 after this, no more opioids since then. I still have WD symthoms, like always feeling cold and still sneezing. But the worst part is, i still got nightsweats. I wake up at 4 or 5am and im drenched in sweat.

Has anyone done something similar and has some advice for me?

Thank you

I let my gf do b and d.

Damn

I always feel like there's not enough good news out there for us opiate addicts. I won't say this is a success story because it's ongoing and mainly I don't want to get too cocky, but we should celebrate every minute we're clean. I have actual hope for my life which really trips me out. I can't remember how long it's been since I've felt that. I'm not buried by my shame and guilt. My focus isn't in my past only paying attention to what's behind me. Those chains aren't holding me back anymore. For the first time in my life I have found real acceptance for myself. I can unapologetically be me.

Recovery actually seems possible to attain. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. I've found NA to be a lifesaver for me but I don't want to preach. I just want to say it's possible. We owe it to ourselves to scrape, claw, and fight for our freedom. We owe it to ourselves to exhaust every option to arrest our disease. We deserve to live life clean. We are all worth it. As hard as it to believe that sometimes, we are all worth it.

Remember that you are not alone. Give yourself some grace. Give yourself a hug. Love and accept yourself. You are worth it and deserve it

I’m speaking to my GP tomorrow as my issues with prescription codeine has spiralled out of control.

After nearly dying last week it’s really put in perspective how dangerous my addiction has become.

The issue is my family don’t know. My wife knows I’ve had issues in the past but doesn’t know it’s worst than ever.

Other than that absolutely no one else know my issue at all. Do I need to tell them? Or can I get away with not telling them? I live with my wife, mother and sister for context.

Im curious if anyone else has been diagnosed with functional heartburn? I had a manometry and 24 hour impedance test recently, and my doctor said "This means that your symptoms may be due to confusion in the nerves of the esophagus (feeling nerve pain), this is called functional heartburn"

Im wondering if my oxycodone abuse could have caused this, and if any of you have had this happen what helped?

I have been fully clean for 83 days, and before that i tapered for 47 days from 200mg down to 20 before stopping cold turkey.

My doctor is recommending low dose amitriptyline, and behavioral therapy to retrain the nerves of the esophagus and stomach.

Thanks in advance for any help!

Cocodomol/codiene habit. Ran out yesterday and am in withdrawal today. Am not going back. I'm going to ride this out. I'm done with this.

My company is growing and I’m stressing out about it for no reason. My part in it is not small, but not immensely big either and I need to relax.

How do you relax when you’re stressed out? Check in here.

3 Years today!

Only place I have to share it with because my family did not know about my addiction and I hid it for the better part of 12 years more on than off.

Had a falling out with my plug and had to quit cold turkey, used kratom and pot. Played with drawls off like the flu or covid and never looked back.

You can do this!

I’ve been in NA for 2.5 years, an H addict for 20 years. The longest clean time I’ve had in that NA period was 8 months and I just lost it a few weeks ago, and I’m so defeated. I have a home group I go to every week, but a sponsor I never call, and never started the steps. I’ve been in recovery long enough I know what I need to do but Im just not fully committing. Im trying to get by with just the fear of not f’ing up and hoping I’ll magically get what others have in their personal growth and recovery. Big surprise, it’s not enough.

I’ve missed so much of my kids life being in an altered state that it’s beyond devastating, but I’ve somehow just been lucky that I’ve never had serious consequences like wife/ kids leaving, losing my job, etc (came veeery close though).

How do I change my motivation from the fear of messing up to the desire for growth, to get me to do what I know I need to do, but just being too lazy and scared to do it ? I’m afraid that if I don’t change my motivation, or lose everything, that I’m destined to be in this endless addiction, recovery, addiction, recovery loop the rest of my life.

I’m wondering if there are any nurses, doctors, other health workers out there that can help on how to become clean and sober without loosing registration. This is literally the ONLY thing that is stopping me from getting help. I crawled through shit to become a health professional, I’m so scared. I started on oxy after a really painful surgery 7 years ago now, almost daily, from 60mg to 250mg a day. I’m so scared but I’m so done, I’m ready and I want this so badly.

My son may be entering it this weekend, in Fresno, Ca, and I am wondering if anyone has gone through it?

The short backstory: I was a pharma Oxy user for about 3 years straight. At the height of the addiction, I was probably using upwards of 300mg a day but lost track at some point. I'd wake up at 4-5am sweating and have to rail a line just to get a few more hours sleep. I would do Oxy everywhere. Work in the office bathrooms, foreign airport bathrooms when travelling, train bathrooms on trips, etc. It was bad.

I finally checked myself into a fairly expensive, private rehab clinic. Most people stay 4 weeks but they let me out clean after 2 weeks as they were confident I would never relapse and that I was safe to go home. I also thought I was ready. I turned down MAT and went cold turkey as I didn't want to come out on another type of opiate (no judgment).

I started taking lots of new mental health drugs as part of the program to help with a lot of long term under lying problems that I never previously sought help for (Prozac for depression, Lamictal for minor bipolar, etc.). These have definitely helped my overall mental state after a few months of titrating.

I was struggling with PAWS for the first month or two, just low energy, loss of enthusiasm, etc. But I stayed clean.

Until I didn't. College football season rolled around and I made the classic stupid addict mistake that I could do a little Oxy after 4 months clean, just for 1 night to have a little fun on college football opening weekend. It wasn't 10 days later before I was doing 180-200mg a day again.

This went on for probably 7-8 weeks before I broke down and admitted to my loved ones that I had a problem all over again. I detoxed myself at home this - couldn't afford the clinic again. Obviously everything was reset and the horrible withdrawal process started all over again including resetting PAWs after the physical acute symptoms subsided.

Tomorrow I am now 3 months clean again. But for whatever reason, I just can't stop thinking about opiates most days. It comes in waves sometimes. I spent 2 hours last night with a flashlight tearing the house upside down looking for any Oxy that I may have lost or forgotten about. I was just having a bad day and I wanted to feel good. Luckily I didn't find any.

I have dead easy access to obtaining all the Oxy I want. I'm not going to. But it would be very easy. All I want is for the opiate cravings to go away.

Do they ever go away or will I forever be longing to feel good again like Oxy used to make me feel? I just want to occasionally be able to feel that joy, comfort, and euphoria again. But I know I can't. It only takes once before I'm full blown addiction again.

How does everyone fight this? I've been thinking about asking my clinic to put me on Naltrexone pills. Has anyone had any success with these? Do these actually help with PAWs and help with never ending cravings even 3 months on and longer?

I have both zero desire to use again and also a constant desire to use again. I just want to kill that desire somehow so I can get on with life. I just don't feel like I'll ever feel GREAT or have real FUN again.

Sorry for the long read - thank you.

I had surgery back in December. I’ve been on hydrocodone since end of October 20mg a day. I have 20 pills left, probably won’t be refilling them.

I’m feeling nauseous and my lower back and knees hurt, I have no energy and I’m just irritated and depressed. How long will this last? I thought this was a low enough dose to avoid these symptoms. I think I’m going to take 5mg tomorrow and tough out the “storm” and only take 5mg or 10mg when I absolutely need it spaced out by a day or two. Any advice and any experience with a similar dose and outcome would be greatly appreciated.

I've posted here before about this, so this more of an progress report and a plea for advice..

To start of with a brief summary; basically I spent the past 2 years on street fent. I live I'm New England for context, and our dope is by the bundle (10 .1 G bags) and usually cut with some sort of tranquilizer, however it's hard to say what's really in it these days, especially since it varies in color (white, Grey, Purple)

Around Thanksgiving I stocked up and got a few stacks (100 bags) of both the white which has more of an upper feeling, and the Grey which has more of a sleepy feeling and by Christmas everything hit the fan. My mother and brother flipped out saying I was out of control, and I started to slip up at work a bit as well.

Whats making this so difficult is that I'm not a kid anymore. I first went to rehab at 19 for a small 30mg oxy a day habit that I could barely afford but as soon as I started working the reality of doing manual labor for the rest of my life hit me hard. I hung with the wrong crowd and wasted my potential, but unlike some kids out there, I came from a highly dysfunctional family who struggled to pay the bills. Without an education or luck I basically I'm resigned to take this path.

I was homeless when this all started and was 29 about to turn 30, and living out of a rental. All I really had to keep me feeling like life was even worth it anymore was a beautiful girl I fell in love with in the program I was in. We both relapsed and the fent kept me numb and dumb enough to just deal with circumstances and keep my head down to work as much as possible and within a year I paid off a used Malibu, and got into a 2 bedroom apartment.

The plan was to quit once I got a place but by that point the fent really took over and I didn't realize just how difficult it would be to withdraw on my own. After so many trips to programs I started getting clean at home so I wouldn't have to restart my whole life over again if I messed up but that was only manageable when I had like a month to 2 month slip on real oxies. Fent is so much stronger that I had the realization of the fact that to even have a chance this time I have to ween down dramatically before I even attempt going to Detox or a program....

------‐-------------

So anyways.. this is the real important part of the post, if you're not interested in the pretext..

I went up and down in my tolerance from 5 bags to a whole bundle within the past 2 years. If I got to a point where I hit a bundle I would start detoxing myself until I got back down to 4 to 5 but then I would slowly go back up without even really trying. Working as much OT as I could made me say "fuck it" plenty of times, but I kno2 this cant last so this time around I managed to Detox all the way down to about 1-2 a day.

I never nod, and I only really do anything more than bump when I wake up and when I sleep. The way I'm weening is to basically wait until I'm sick, shivering with severe anxiety, that feeling where you feel like you almost can't breathe, then I do a matchstick sized bump, wait about a half hour to an hour then if I'm still freezing do another tiny bump.

This was supposed to just be in preparation for Detox, but I just don't wanna ruin my savings. If I take a 4-5 week leave it's gonna cost me about 2K of my savings from not working. On top of that my roomate got into 5 separate accidents and lost her rental so that's also stressing me out money wise since I collect 700 a month from her. I give her a huge break and she still managed to put me in this position. Sometimes it feels like everything works against me when I'm trying to get clean.

Anyways.. based on all this, what do you guys think? My only worry is me slowly working my tolerance back up. I want so badly to do this on my own so I don't have to waste money, but i know you cant really put a price on sobriety, I'm just trying hard to balance everything and bounce back. Like I said before I'm not 19 anymore, I'm 32 and I gotta make this work. I don't have anyone else to fallback on, it's up to me

Hello, I am 22 year old opiate addict (Tramadol). Tramadol sub is quite empty so I wanted to ask here, if you don't mind. I am going to rehab in 2 weeks and I cant stop a feeling of shame because i dont know a lot of people that went to rehab and I feel very low about going there, but I want to go there to get rid of the addiction (luckily, I am not using regularly so I just have a psychological addiction, not physical). I am sure there is some of you that went through same, even worse process and I just wanna hear that it is not a shameful thing.. my parents and my best friend (only friend that knows I'm going to rehab) says I should be proud of myself that I have courage to go there, but i dont feel that courage and i dont feel proud at all, I feel like I am some lowlife (pls dont take this the wrong way) that fucked up his life on purpose.. idk, I just wanna feel atleast good about this step, maybe some of you will just laugh like wtf you dont even have physical addiction but I feel like I should take care of this shit before I get to that point of physical addiction.

Just curious if any fellow nurses and are also on suboxone? Have you encountered any social stigmas? Or issues with obtaining jobs?

Thanks!

I will almost certainly be hospitalized for a few days when I'm admitted but wanted to know what will happen to me if I tell them I'm addicted to fent. Will they just make me go into wds while treating me for the other condition?

You know the pain. The cravings. The desperation to break free. You know how hard it is to fight addiction, even with support. Now imagine going through it locked behind bars, denied the very treatment that could save your life.

Right now, in Utah, incarcerated people are BEGGING for help—not just for motivation, not just for "something bigger than themselves," but for real, medical treatment. And they are being told NO.

You know this fight isn’t about willpower. It’s not about wanting it "bad enough." Addiction is a disease, and Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT) works. It helps manage cravings, reduces overdoses, and gives people a real shot at recovery. But Utah is denying MAT to those who need it most.

You’ve felt the struggle. You’ve seen what happens when people don’t get the help they need. Some of you have lost friends. Family. Maybe you’ve almost lost yourself.

This cycle has to stop.

🖊️ Sign this petition NOW to demand access to MAT for incarcerated individuals. No one should have to fight addiction without the right tools to survive.
👉 https://www.change.org/p/medication-assisted-treatment-for-all-incarcerated-utah

If you’ve ever fought this battle or lost someone to it, please sign and share. Every voice matters. Every signature could help save a life.

📢 They can’t fight for themselves. But we can.

I want to celebrate this, but I also feel so unsure of myself. It wasn't by choice, and I'm in pain, extremely exhausted, and depressed. But I feel more clear? I feel like I just got sucked out of my head back into the real world. I'm no longer in a state of constant dissociation, but I kind of preferred that after a while. Feeling real again is a rollercoaster, but I also feel like this is the beginning of having a normal, fulfilling life. I have such mixed feelings about this. I want my brain to be like everyone else's. That's all I want. I want to be happy and energized. I don't know why I can't feel normal by myself.

The opiates somehow kept me awake, focused, and productive? Downers have worked better than any prescription stimulant I've had, honestly. Wtf. I'm just grieving my productivity and energy, I guess. I think I'm grieving everything I've ever felt in my brain that made me content. I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I just want to be happy, and I want to feel like myself. Everyone is so happy for me for finally breaking my addiction and so happy that I am no longer in withdrawal. I feel empty though, like I don't have the ability to be happy. Did I ever really feel whole though? I don't know.

(I am NOT looking for medical advice by the way. These are just random thoughts I have had recently about my addiction.)

Today I have 16 days off the xylazine-fentanyl mix I've spent since April buying off the streets. On 110mg methadone since May, addicted for 12 years now. I supplemented with kratom for the first four days. Xylazine gives me elevated blood pressure when I run out of it, scary shit. Not even the methadone touches the withdrawals. I could really use some support online or locally. 35/f, lost my husband to this disease in 2019, lost custody of our son in 2021, he's now in Louisiana and I'm back in Chicago where I'm from... trying to get back into his life, it's just been really really rough but I recognize that I am the problem and I alone have to be the one to reach out for help.

Anyone have any experience withdrawing from the tranq dope?

Is it foolish of me to continue to do this without the aid of AA or NA? I can't afford to keep going through this. All the cringe shit I do is keeping me off the bad shit.

I also suffer from an eating disorder I'm having a hard time dealing with. It's a bitch. In financial ruin. Barely have my very menial job.

Lord grant me strength and the patience to wait for the changes that take time.... an appreciation for all that I have... And the strength to get up and try it again, one day at a time

So it took me many many years to get away from heroin completely, I stopped opiates before fentanyl came out, however because of a broken back, I did go back on a small dose of Suboxone (4mg). I also decided my anxiety was so crippling I had to do something about it, so I got a connect for real pharmacy Xanax, I don't abuse them I take 1mg in the morning 1mg at 5pm. And then also because I've had untreated ADHD for years since I was a kid, I decided to finally give Adderall a chance (I find the extended release less addicting and habit forming but I take one of each in the morning and afternoon).

Now some would say I'm completely out of my mind for thinking I'm sober, but to be honestly all semantics aside. I take everything as prescribed, I even have a medical card I use which helps, and my life has never been as fully functioning as it is right now. I decided to stay away from the stigma of all sober or not sober at all. The subs I have to take and also, because I've had so much trauma (haven't we all here?) I can't function and do basically anything let alone get out of bed unless I'm in the right meds.

I don't necessarily feel sober, but I don't necessarily feel high either. You would think I'm geeked out of my mind on all three of these meds but I'm really not.

The most dangerous med I'm taking is the Xanax. It's a lot difficult to get off then other longer lasting benzis like, Ativan, or Klonopin, or Valium, but when you think people are out to get you and you hear voices (something the Adderall surprisingly doesn't worsen but makes better), and you've tried everything and a low dose of Alprozolam, gets you through the day whose to tell me not to.

After all, sometimes I wonder if I even am an addict since I can do all these things even drink recreationally and never get hooked into a bad daily junkie habit again.

I guess what I'm saying is, you don't have to listen to everything that A.A. recommends or tells you to do not to do. Our brain chemistry and wiring is one the most complicated things in the world, and it should not be simplified in such a black and white it either works like this or it doesn't work at all.

By all means, I'm not a doctor and I'm not telling you what to do. I've come to terms that for now, not ready to get off meds. Adderall I forsee staying in for awhile the subs and can I will eventually taper off but for now I'm doing well.

Anyone else have any other unconventional ways of staying sober? Like doing something someone.in recovery told you not to do but it actually worked for you? Would love to relate and hear some stories.

Those who have been on both, how would you compare them, is Methadone overkill, or is it actually beneficial on in cases where heavy use of opiates occured. I've been curious about Methadone for a long time, probably will never try it, but I've always been curious how they compare with each other. Thanks.

As above, has anyone taken low dose bupe to kick a heavy codeine habit?