Been in recovery for meth for 4 years, and always wondered what the obstacles are for not having the same options of medication treatments like there is for opiates? The clinic I go to for my psych meds is used primarily for methadone therapy. Does anyone with better understanding of Pharmacology know why?

After battling a 200mg+ daily adderall addiction since 2019 I made the decision to jump off this rollercoaster of death and despair. With help over the last 10 months I’ve managed to stop using and have a month clean. But I’ve been here before and it’s where I’ve always lost my way because I’m not sure where to turn. I have no support where I live now but have been seriously considering NA or anything that will help me keep on the straight and narrow path forward. I don’t have ADHD or anything like that I’ve always done well in school I joined the military at 18 and spent eight years in special forces. In college some friends and I lived in this dumpy house off campus. The area was sketch and with my background id rather be paranoid than unprepared. It was a high crime area and long story short some guys thought it was just my two female roommates at home and forced their way into our house. I shot all three killing two of them in our living room. They were armed and it was ruled self defense but I struggle to deal with the reality of what had happened and it left me in a dark fucked up place. About six months later the doctor decided that adderall could be helpful and what I needed to help get me through. A “mood booster” he called it but instead it made everything worse. As to why a doctor thought it was a good idea to put someone who’s obsessed and struggling like I was on adderall beats me but I’m not a doctor. Skipping ahead on New Year’s Eve I had a complete mental breakdown years in the making and everything hit me at once. I parked my truck by the trail head leaving the keys behind grabbed my ID and handgun before hiking up for a few more miles. I was alone for as far as I could see, gazing at the stars i checked to make sure my ID was still in my pocket took in a deep breath and CLICK. It was the loudest sound I’ve ever heard felt like lightning hit me. Instantly I was the most sober I’d been in years terrified by the fact I was no longer in control of my mind. It was the wake up call I couldn’t ignore so I drove to the hospital told them the truth of what I’d been dealing with and got help. Admitted the truth was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. A friend had seen the look on my face and unloaded the gun right before I left. So when I thought no one gave a shit about me anymore thankfully I was wrong. I haven’t been able to muster up the courage to talk about this with anyone that knows me but I want to and figured sharing my story with random strangers who at least understand is still a step forward.

I’ve struggled with Adderall for years. After quitting, I accomplished so much and am currently in school for my dream career.

Despite all of my blessings I’ve fallen back into old habits. Would love to chat and hear some words of wisdom. Thanks

Cocaine became un-fun been sober 2 months. My mental health is getting worse; hearing voices, thinking ppl are following me, self-harming. My psychiatrist wants me to go back on Ambilify and I fucking hated it the first time I don’t know why he’s being so insistent. I have to pretend to be normal at work, my co-worker told me the other day that I don’t have to be so “hyper”. I literally just try to be friendly but now it’s over for that. I’ll just keep it professional. They prolly been talking shit about me or whatever. Then I try to be lively for my husband and kids. It’s tough and tiresome. I feel like the donkey from Winnie The Pooh. Idk what to do anymore.

I'm in my 40's and haven't taken any stimulants in ~2 years. I don't have any desire to use again, but I'm really only now coming to accept that my addiction really did trash my life for almost a decade, and I am rebuilding from almost-scratch. It's gotten really fucking hard lately and it would be nice to have people to talk to who really get it.

Is anyone in a similar place looking for a recovery buddy?

Ever since quitting Adderall (2 weeks ago), I’ve been struggling to motivate myself to do anything. I also have a very low mood. Is this normal? What have y’all done to combat it? I’m on the highest dose of Wellbutrin & it’s not helping much.

I have a lot of really good things going on for myself in life right now and for some reason I still relapsed about 6 hours ago and didn’t even think twice about just saying no.

I don’t have many people in my real everyday life to talk to about my addiction or my struggles. Or even my accomplishments I guess…. I know I should network and find my people but it’s like last thing I want to do for some reason.

I’m disappointed in myself I think but at the same time I’m not upset either so yeah I guess I don’t even know what’s going on or what i should do next.

Anyways lol, I hope everyone has a good day and I’m dreading the walk of shame home at almost 6am I’m about to make right now.

TL/DR an accountability post about the start of my final attempt to live life without adhd meds.

I've made this post because I want to hold myself accountable.

I've been trialing/taking a few differing prescribed stimulants for the last 15 months (lisdexampetamine and various versions of Dex, some compounded and differing strengths).

I've recently seen how negatively they've been affecting my quality of life. I've not abused them throughout this time, but I've still seen the negatives encroach on my already poor quality of life after the initial honeymoon period.

Although I've witnessed improvement when stopping taking them within about a week, I find myself taking them again. Typical dopamine chaser I guess... never feeling happy enough and when I'm feeling better, I want to feel even better (taken less then prescribed, but still dopamine chasing if I'm honest).

In being fair to myself, I have recently quit smoking cigarettes and all forms of nicotine which has caused its own fatigue etc symptoms. I have also struggled more with concentration due to taking adhd meds, and part of my weakening has been due to wanting to focus for a while. It's a vicious cycle I've realised, even at low doses.

Anyway, I've currently got about a full script worth of Dex and for some reason, even though I know that I want to leave this chapter behind me, I just can't seem to bring myself to flush them down the toilet just yet. I know why this is; it's because they're really difficult to get legally and it involves a lot of waiting time and costs to see medical professionals to get the paperwork for them etc.

At the end of the day, all the above reasons not to have flushed them yet, I don't really care about. The only reason that really matters, is that if they've been flushed, if I'm having a particularly flat/down day, I won't have the medication to have a dose.

It's crazy right; I had chronic fatigue before I started trialing adhd meds. I know that I'm going to have days/weeks of not being able to move from my couch, I just need to man up and do what needs to be done. Flush those fuckers down the toilet where they belong. As I wrote that, I noticed some moisture start to appear on my eyes. Something that I'm also over, is the loss of emotional expression (except for frustration lol).

Just because I've struggled with dysthymia for most of my life and anhedonia in recent years, it's no excuse to keep leaning on this crutch which is only taking me further from where I want to be in the long run. One step forwards when I take it, to end up two steps backwards from my endpoint destination of being as happy as I'm ever going to be.

In the coming week or two I imagine, I'll muster the strength to flush them all. Heck, even if it takes a month, this post is day 1 no adhd meds and I will not weaken again. I've been mostly off them for about a month now, weakening for a day or two each week. 3 months ago, I stopped taking benzos, they weren't helping me anymore either. Just flushed them down the toilet as my dose was thankfully low enough to be able to just jump off them.

I'm no stranger to the recovery scene, I still carry what I learned during that time, I cherish some of my memories of that chapter in my life (before being officially diagnosed, stims were not my d.o.c), but returning to meetings is not for me but all the more power to anyone going that route!

Even though my dose has been low and I've not abused my medication, I've had other mental health issues including protracted psychosis, that had been and will continue to hamper my rate of recovery, I know that I need to be patient with myself.

I'm really glad that I made this post, I really needed to do it. I was happier before I started trialling them and I was in despair, so that should speak volumes. Even though I'm more emotionally blunted then I've ever been, due to the meds, I've been more over life recently, than I ever had been prior.

I'm not looking for any accountability buddies.

Having said this, if anyone vibed reading this and is on their own journey, feel free to comment how you're doing, what's working for you, not working for you, I don't mind, I know the struggle; I've come off of heavier addictions than minor adhd med use, before.

Thank you for reading about my latest decision to surf life's waves clean. My circumstances are now vastly different. I've got no real reasons to be unhappy. Familial relationship dynamics are a bit fucked but many people's are.

It's up to me to get this done so that I can finally pursue my life, days lived in the moment and without the lingering regret for so many years wasted.

I’ve been told not to block numbers from people who I used with, as then I’ll have an avenue to hook up in a week moment by looking up my blocked list. I would love to read what this group thinks. Had a dude text me today and my brain went right into a downward spiral. Delete the number but don’t block it? 🙃

Do voices that developed during a meth binge or use typically go away after getting clean?

Sorry for double posting but I just remembered this community and how much it helped me during a really difficult time in my life. I posted on Day 1 (old account) about dumping my pills into used kitty litter on 8/19/2020 and that was the last time I used. For context this was after maybe 8ish years of use.

My life has honestly never been better. I can do SO much now that I never thought I would have the energy for. I stay out until 3AM dancing with friends (sober!!). I ran a marathon. And recently, after working full time and taking classes and studying for the MCAT all at once, I have been accepted to an MD program.

It took a lot of time and being gentle with myself to reach this point. The first time I went to college, I thought I needed adderall to study or be social or do anything really. I remember once walking all the way to class, realizing 10 minutes in that I hadn't taken my meds, and walking back out because I figured there was no point in even trying.

My grades are better now because, guess what: it turns out I was actually playing on hard mode all of those years! I was chronically sleep deprived and not eating enough. I felt like a husk of myself but yeah, if I took 2-3x my prescribed dose, I could study all night.

Honestly, I am scared shitless sometimes about what I'm getting myself into. I hear things like "every med student is using stimulants to study" and wonder if I am going to fall back into it. But then I remind myself of how much I accomplished without it, how much better I feel all around. And I know that I will be achieving my dream just as I am now.

If you're quitting, and it's hard, and you're wondering if you permanently fucked up your brain - this is your sign to keep going. Fuck getting back to baseline - you can come out of this experience ABOVE where you started. It takes serious strength to stick with it, and that will spill over into every other aspect of your life. When every day is just slightly better than the last, it adds up. Just give it time.

Just a warning if you haven't seen it: this movie is very much body horror so know what you're getting yourself into if you decide to watch it! Also, spoilers ahead.

I saw this movie last night and can't stop thinking about it. Basically, the main character is an aging actress who is offered a drug that will make her young and beautiful for 7 days at a time. After 7 days, she has to switch back to her "real" self. It's a fascinating (and tragic and gross and sometimes funny) commentary on beauty standards, but I also found that it summed up speed addiction perfectly.

MAJOR spoilers so turn back now if you want to watch it (which I highly recommend): the main character initially follows the rules of the substance, switching back and forth every 7 days. However she begins to abuse the drug by "stealing" bits of time from her real self, staying in "hot" mode for a few extra hours. The result is her real self starting to deteriorate (physically and mentally) as the balance is disrupted. And the more her real body falls apart, the more time she spends in the hot body to avoid the consequences. Which leads to even more deterioration... rinse and repeat.

It is just uncanny how they showed small decisions like "just a little bit more" snowballing into full blown addiction. Like the first time I took an extra half of a pill "just this once" eventually turned into taking multiple pills a day and eventually having to deal with the results of that when my refill eventually ran out.

(30, M) Wish I was able to say it feels good at all but I’m just hanging in there hoping that if I stay clean for a while I might be happier someday.

Any advice or suggestions for how to go from being totally alone and untrusting of anyone, returning to work after being unemployed for 2 years, dealing with constant rejection and disappointment and having zero trust for others (did I mention being totally unable to trust others?) Self esteem is terrible and I can’t accept myself. Miss the drug a lot right now, but I’m unfortunately at a stage where I have relapsed so many times I know I’ll only feel even worse. I miss being able to get interested or excited about anything at all. I just want to lie down and stare at the ceiling all day long.

Any opinions on weening off meth? As far as frequency of use vs quantity ? ( everyday user for 8-9 years, mostly smoking/hot rails ) thank u

I really don’t want to do all of this again in 5 years, i want to close the chapter so to speak. But i’m wondering if there are other aspects of medical care that will be affected for me if i tell my provider that i can’t be prescribed stimulants. I would imagine pain management, if i ever needed it, would be affected? Which i suppose, with my appetite for substance abuse would be okay. Anyone else here taken this step in your journey? Do i make an appointment or call? I have no idea what to do..

I’m just scared and ashamed and i feel so shitty having to tell my Dr. office this.

I was never truly an angry, bitter recluse until I started abusing adderall. It’s been over 2 years and I’m still the same way. i feel like my personality has been forever altered towards the negative and I hate it but I just can’t help feel this way.

Anyone else have this? Looking to see if I’m just an asshole or if there’s an explanation.

Recently started noticing my addiction on the weekends to adderall. Usually binge 30-40mgs, lots of caffeine, and video games for about 10-16 hours as well sometimes longer.

Lately I’ve noticed getting incredibly frustrated at minor inconveniences and it seems like my body just fills with rage like I can feel it happening and taking over. Basically full on seeing red, punching things, screaming etc.

I vowed to myself this week that I need to get off of it based off my recent actions. Any tips on how to deal with the rage or why I’m experiencing this?

So if anyone has been through this or knows someone it would really help. I’m 23M and have been masturbating about every other day the past 7 years. I never had any issues with forplay or oral. I lost my virginity last year to a one night stand. I felt that I wasn’t erect all the way during sex like I was during foreplay and needed oral to get it up and quickly penetrate. and even though it felt kinda weird I still tried to enjoy the experience and came. The past year though I got into cocaine it started slow but it gradually just went up to a point where the past month I’ve been using almost daily and masturbating to porn. Crazy thing is in that month I met a very gorgeous girl and we hit it off. We’d start kissing and oral and I was erect but we never went all the way. One day the time came we were doing foreplay and i was erect but as soon as it was time for sex I went limp so she’d give me blowjob and it’d go back up then limp again we tried 2 more times and same shit. I blamed on Being tired and she didn’t mind. Ever since I’ve been kind of worried what is was and found out I have pied and add along my daily use of cocaine and It all clicked. I’m now dedicated to stop it all cold turkey as I need to change my life. But I really want to have sex too and im just worried it might take forever. Any advice nofap and no drugs for a couple days or weeks and id be fine? I’ve been also debating taking a royal honey pack to maybe get me past the hump if that would work let me know. Any advice also helps

everyday has been so hard, but I want to get clean. I’ve been addicted to meth starting this year stemming from an abusive relationship. I had never tried it prior

I was in the worst abusive situation I’ve ever been in, so I started accepting the abuse more and more bc meth was a good mind number. so good in fact, I’d forget about how horrible yesterdays 16 hour fight was. finally he went to jail after putting his hands on me and trying to k1ll me (multiple times he tried before this with my own glock)

What this man did to me, I believe is the reason I keep relapsing subconsciously. I go and hang out with my situationship to get my mind off things and then my family threatens to kick me out, calling me a liar and a druggie who doesn’t care about anybody but myself.

yet, now when I relapse all I can do is think. My family thinks I’m some druggie who wants to keep relapsing and go see my situationship just to get high.. can I understand why they feel that way? yeah. it’s frustrating bc I’m just so codependent, I was diagnosed with PTSD as well after this so it was very hard for me not to relapse or find somebody I feel I can make happy or they can give me joy. It’s not healthy though, we both have a lot of issues inside.

I’ve noticed a lot of things, scars on my face/body not healing, uti, staying up for days and looking like death, anger turns into rage, being in absolute denial about smoking it, chips in my teeth.. I can go on and on.

it’s been 6 months since the dv, and I find myself constantly still relapsing. I’m currently kind of in a situationship but it did help me recover A LOT from my traumatic relationship, but I don’t trust this current guy I’m with and it’s trauma coming out from def my past. My gut was right, he was flirting w other girls on snap and trying to hang w them 2 different times and tonight I found a playboy perfume bottle in his van. I’m Fr getting to the point of being over it, and it’s at the point my family is threatening to kick me out if I go see him and I hate it. I guess I don’t know how I feel.. I don’t know if he actually did anything with somebody else irl but it hurts big time, especially bc of the trauma and PTSD he helped me through. It feels like a stab in the back, and hes definitely a big reason for my relapses bc he smokes it. It’s tearing me apart from myself, from my friends, and my family. They don’t understand why, and it’s like I’m living a double life atm. My sober friends don’t know that I still am struggling with relapse, my nonsober friends don’t really care about getting sober. I figured it’s been only almost a year, I need to quit but I also enjoy the high but hate it too. I can’t explain it.

Anybody else going through the same thing? Is meth recovery possible and how long? I just don’t wanna live life as an isolated tweaker who spends all day doing nothing progressive towards my life. I feel like I’ve lost myself.. for so many reasons. Should I check myself into rehab?

Just a kindly (reposted & repinned, again) reminder of Rule One and Rule 6 for the subreddit, which is don’t promote or suggest drugs, don’t share accounts of successful drug use, etc and Rule 6 on harm reduction. This is Rule One:

• Any posts or comments that are seen to be encouraging / promoting the use of any stimulant drugs, as well as substances that can be used recreationally or have potential for addiction are strictly forbidden, positive personal experiences included. Suggestions or accounts providing information on managing, proctoring or taking drugs safely or successfully are also off limits. “Drugs” include psychedelics, THC, kratom, research chemicals and any stimulant medication.

This is Rule 6, “Recovery, Not Harm Reduction”:

• ”This is a recovery subreddit and with that as a focus, any supportive discussion of drug use is off the table in order to best serve our primary purpose. Harm reduction is essential and saves lives but combining it with recovery in one forum is beyond difficult - There are many other places better suited for HR, we just Stop Speeding.”

It’s an autoban because when it wasn’t, the subreddit became the Stop Speeding Kratom & Weed Emporium. It was a very dark time in the sub’s history. We wind up removing all kinds of these posts and then people get mad like:

fentanylhist-80085:
“wtf why did u remove my post telling gigachadmethlord666 to takke benzos or Quaaludes or laudanum or deleriants or ketamine stoled from a the vet clinic to curehis psychosis don’t u even drugs bro it’s harem reduction I have a journals on erowid and jave did 800 g of meth n I know how to tell ppl to do drugs wtf is a recovery hey guys I do these other drugs 2 get off these drugs nah pro thas not bromotion man wtf fuk ur rules”

moonoilflowerDMT-8675:
“Excuse me 🤬🤬🤬but mushrooms are fucking great I love mushrooms they cured my cancer and they are the cure for addiction and they are great and you are 🚮trash 🗑is your ego even dead i bet you look like Grimace from McDonalds (actual quote) like those laws r fake and bad omg 🍄 S H R O O M S 🍄and LSD AND WEEd 🍀I don’t even like drugs anymore I just like these not-drugs why are you so ignorant read these studies what do you all think of my psychedelics recovery plan this is 🧙🏻‍♂️holistic 🧙🏻‍♂️plant god medicine my clothes are made from grass there are three Y’s in my first name”

thatblow-overthere4:
“So I’ve been self-medicating my undiagnosed ADHD and undiagnosed narcolepsy and undiagnosed chronic fatigue syndrome with dark web pressed pills that definitely aren’t just meth and fentanyl along with microdosing the shit they dope horses with at race tracks right, all I asked was for somebody to tell me this was a good idea”

boofingPlUtOnIuM-1337:
“Hello Reddit Moderator. I am a scientist. You must have deleted my post by mistake. I have been conducting many scientific type things with research chemicals, which are not drugs. That’s why we call them research chemicals? If you were a scientist like me you might understand that. I just consumed a RC extracted from Hiroshima groundwater with 47 letters in its name that turned me into Dr. Manhattan. My tongue melted but I expected that, because of all my research I do with these chemicals. I think I know how to advise people on how to not do drugs by doing drugs instead. Would anyone like to hear about how I used bethamphetaminesecticide sulfate to taper off Adderall?”

l00ph0leLawyur:
CEASE & DESIST ORDER - My client, who is me, hereby serves official notice that they are in fact not in violation of Rule ____, as (insert addled flimsy rationalization here) clearly states: Weed, mushrooms, LSD, kratom, that spice shit from Dune, crushed catalytic converter core powder, stuff that’s been medically approved in Thailand to treat Hobbit Personality Disorder, clandestine designer chemicals that are only legal in Bangladesh and the Soviet Union, as well as all other substances that are plainly drugs but I don’t think are drugs are NOT drugs. There was also no actual promotion per the dictionary definition of promotion, as my client was not wearing a sandwich board and did not suggest others do it, they only said it was fucking great and amazing and that they were doing it right now or something else equally obnoxious. Your rule states something I am now dictating to you should be interpreted as I interpret it and you are in violation of the imaginary laws of Reddit. We are seeking damages in the amount of unbanning my client or undeleting their post immediately or we will be filing a lawsuit in the District Court of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

ADHDneurodivURGENT-5:
“HEY STOP SPEEDING SUBREDDIT I WENT ON ADDERALL TO GET OFF METH AND COCAINE TO GET OFF ADDERALL BUT AM STILL TAKING ADDERALL JUST LIKE SORT OF LIKE AS PRESCRIBED LIKE WHY CANT I POST ABOUT HOW GREAT THAT WENT ON A STIMULANT DRUG RECOVERY SUB CALLED STOP SPEEDING WHY ARE MY EARS BLEEDING ISNT THIS SUB JUST ABOUT NOT SHOOTING METH INTO MY NECK WHAT ABOUT HARM REDUCTION IM REDUCING HARM MY CHEST HURTS SO MUCH”

greensaviorhascome:
“Hello! Have you heard the good news? Kratom has come to absolve us of all our sins and addictions! Would you be interested in some of our kratom literature? This Ambrosia plant miracle cure medicine we built a multistory shrine to on Reddit definitely isn’t a highly addictive drug of abuse with hellish withdrawals users sometimes go on MAT or to detox to come off of. Pharma knows not what they do, forgive them their trespasses - We have found a secret medicine no one else has, in the jungles of gas stations and bong stores. I was once a heroin and meth addict living under a bridge - Now I am a heroin and meth addict living under a bridge, but ALSO addicted to kratom! I am but a simple messenger, may I speak of Its works to your people?”

What is drugs? Drugs are drugs. You know what drugs are. We can’t suggest or promote drugs. Don’t talk about doing a bunch of drugs to not do some other drugs on a drug addiction recovery subreddit. It’s recoveryland and not a pro-drug or harm reduction sub, the rule has been there forever, it’s a good rule.

There are many places on Reddit to discuss and suggest all these different things and their application and efficacy, I’m sure this stuff works great for some people but we have 38,000 members here - Painting drugs in a positive way or suggesting drugs to a drug addict could be harmful to a drug addict’s recovery, I’d imagine that’s a reasonable assumption for the majority. It’s just not part of the show here. I also mentioned all of them on this post in the most flattering ways imaginable so nobody ever has to mention or suggest them again.

I still find times where I’m counting days, but for the most part I have no complaints any sobriety. I’ve done so many amazing and fun things during my clean time, and I’ve found a new happiness. Congrats to u/pal8421 for 100 days. Thanks for making me grateful for my recovery today!

If there’s any former, or currently recovering, (Adderall) addicts who could also use somewhat of a ‘penpal’ - please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Whether you wanna vent about your experiences, and have someone that relates/won’t judge you.

Or need someone to check-in with, as you also try to tolerate each day w/o relapsing… feel free to DM me.

I could use some support right now, and I really want this to be the last time I “quit”.

I don’t want to feel alone in this. And I imagine some of you don’t want to, either.

I just want us to tell each other it’s gonna be okay.

Hello everyone . My friend got a speeding ticket and he doesn't have a insurance and he pay the fine for the ticket in ohio .

now he was fearing for the reason in his ticket it was showing that no insurance available ..Does he need to show the proof of insurance or it goes to Bmv and asking for SR-22 ??

Been using Elvanse/Vyvanse for three years almost daily. Started off with 30mg and after a year or so upped to 30 + 30 / day.
For months I've been feeling like the drug is sucking away my soul and turning me into a zombie. Sleep was awful and waking up required the magic pill.
A few weeks ago I started to feel some chestpain and heart palpitations even at rest. Legs started swelling and I had shortness of breath. Went to the ER to find out that my BP was 197/110 and EKG showed some minor anomalies. Doctor recommended to quit/taper down the Elvanse and I agreed to give it a try.
Went down to 20mg / day for a while and then decided to try cold turkey from there. I didn't get anything good from the 20mg, only the horrible feeling of being tired as hell but not being able to rest.
It's day 5 now and I just walked past the pharmacy (2min away from my place) and the cravings are crazy. My brain is trying to tell me that I'm not going to manage my school project that's starting today and I'll be forced to drop out etc.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to get by posting this, maybe just needed to vent it out.
Greetings from Finland.

I’ve hit this milestone once before and relapsed almost immediately after. Staying strong this time 💪

I’ve been here before, under a different name. The first time for adderall xr, and subsequently meth (for a short period.) This time it’s adderall IR. Tried wellbutrin ~2 years ago, and it didn’t do shit for my executive function. Talked to a therapist and somehow convinced myself stims would be different this time. “i’ll just take the dose on the label.” (this is all shortly after spending my holiday season secretly plugging coke at the family functions, mind you). HA! Then kicked it off by taking a double dose of the vyvanse. Literally doubled my first fucking dose. But the lisdex actually wasn’t off the rails, normally took the recommended dose. Generally helped me get my shit together (cuz amphetamines), until i started getting super depressed at the noon mark everyday. So i talked to Doc and we settled on 2x IR doses a day. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, you’re here reading this because you know the answer to that one. Everything went wrong. Of course it did. Monkey brain had it all figured out so i just sat back and let it drive drive for a while. And the resulting depression, guilt, self-loathing, dishonesty and complete executive failure has me posting in r/stopspeeding again. But it hasn’t all been bad, i’ve actually spent quite a bit of time writing music which has been fun. Granted all of the music is Townes Van Zandt level nihilism and sadness tunes. But still, i gotta try to take W somewhere in this story, eh?

So here i am, gonna quit this stuff again. I guess the shittiest part of it for me is that i genuinely wasn’t pill seeking, i was trying find a solution to a challenge in my life. But i guess maybe subconsciously the Monkey Driver was scheming the whole time. On the bright side, i have no connections once i cut the script nor am i looking for any. And I’m ready to check the box and have my Dr. flag me for drug abuse if need be. I just cannot handle the depression anymore, it’s eating me alive. And i can’t be this mentally isolated from my family anymore. Idk send me a heart emoji or something if you think of it cause i’m.. pretty sad, man.

I’ve heard NA often isn’t accepting of people addicted to adderall. Is that true? Is it just for meth and heroin users?

I'm on day 6 after a very brief taper, and aside from feeling lethargic and not remotely on top of things at all the biggest issue I've noticed is with my relationships and interactions with others, specifically in person interactions. But when I'm talking to someone in person lately it just feels... off, somehow.

I quit caffeine as well as adderall, and before quitting basically every time I socialized I would be sure to consume some caffeine and adderall to cover up how exhausted I was since I always felt exhausted. The end result would be that I'd feel pretty hyper, cheerful, chatty, friendly, make lots of jokes and ramble a bit and just generally carry the conversation a lot.

Now, though, all of that is gone and my interactions just feel so different, even with people who I am very fond of and would describe as good friends. I'm a lot more quiet, calm, and honestly not very engaged. There are a lot of those somewhat awkward silences when a conversation has run out and doesn't naturally flow into a new one unless someone brings up a different topic, which I don't remember happening very often before, maybe because I would rush to carry the conversation before the awkward silence even had time to register and now I'm too tired to do that. Idk, I feel like adderall gave me this kind of pleasure seeking impulse that drove me to want to make the conversation fun and enjoyable and to keep the other person engaged and entertained, and now I'm more inclined to just go with the natural flow of the conversation.

In general I find I'm just not really enjoying my in person interactions that much. Now that I'm not just rambling and making dumb jokes I have the space to recognize how bored and frustrated I feel during a lot of my interactions. And I'm questioning whether the people I've populated my life with actually know and like me, or just the adderall/caffeine version of me that I presented to them - and vice versa, whether I actually like them or the adderall/caffeine version of me does. Which isn't the fault of those people, I'm not saying this to criticize them, rather I'm looking to call myself out here.

I don't know, I don't feel like I'm describing this very well, and part of the problem probably is just me generally feeling out of it while I'm recovering from quitting these substances. But a big part of why I wanted to quit adderall was wanting to remember who I was before taking it, what about me is my actual baseline and what is just something adderall brings out in me. And I'm surprised by what I'm finding.

Anyone else relate to any of this?

First want to say thanks to everybody who’s made posts on their experiences with adhd stimulant abuse. It really opened my eyes to the fact I’m just at the start of my addiction and how bad/serious it can really get.

I started out in November 2023, I got about 20- 30mg XR from a friend which were pills so I was breaking them up. The high was unreal on those which led to me going down this road. I went from taking a quarter to half to a full then eventually taking a full and a half staying up playing video games.

I ended up making an appt with my psychiatrist a few months back and getting a script. Thankfully she was weary about my “precvious psychiatrist going from 5mg IR to 30mg XR” so she started me off on 10mg IR which I started to break in half. Eventually I moved up to the full and taking multiple a day. I’ve now moved to 20mg XR while also still having some of my first 10mg IR scripts so I’ve been combining the two. Taking a 20mg XR in the morning, then additional 10mg IR doses every 3-5 hours and literally playing video games for 14-18 hours at a time. The good news is (in my opinion and reading through lots of posts) is that I only do this on the weekend, taking them Friday and Saturday. I have a normal regimen during the week of a healthy diet, 4-5 days of exercises, 7-9 hours of quality sleep which I think allows me to reset my mind, body, and nervous system.

But lately I think it’s caught up to me finally and I’ve been incredibly irritated and having mood swings and really struggling to concentrate on the weekdays. While also just going through the motions with everything. I love my job and have an awesome girlfriend and two pets who I love dearly. I’ve definitely noticed my cognitive & physical performance start to deteriorate more than ever. I haven’t been reaching out to friends and family as much and have only been looking forward to the weekend where I can binge adderall, video games and caffeine. I knew it was wrong when I first started out but I thought it was fun and of course really enjoyed the high. I’m now at the point where aside from me, my girlfriend is noticing the changes in me and subtly mentioning them.

After bingeing video games and 80mg of adderall the past two days this weekend and reading for about 3 hours on different threads about adderall abuse I realized i need to make a change. I hate that you all are going through and went through much worse than I am/will but I’m incredibly thankful for you sharing your experiences to shine light that I’m really at the tip of the iceberg. Which really made me realize I don’t want this getting any worse than it is now. Here’s to recovery.

95 days ago i was living in a tent shooting meth. I feel better but i have a long ways to go. Im in a sober living and have a sponsor. I mostly go to groups and lay in bed and play games. My dopamine is pretty null. All i know is that i know the end game of addiction. Its bleak and involves insanity a death. Sobriety i dont know what the endgame is,it could be bad or good. With just a chance of having a good life it makes sobriety worth a shot. If i relapse i start the same cycle and end up crying,cold, and wishing i never relapsed.

I think about getting high everyday, i have 500 dollars stashed away incase i decide to relapse. I stole a benzendrex inhaler from a store just to have it. The demon is alive and well,but his voice weakens a tiny bit each day.

Heres something i wrote during a craving a couple weeks ago.

A tweaker and his brain. A short journey pt 1

Every store i go into, i want to steal something. I have to steal something. It’s a part of me now. Over so many years of shoplifing to support my habits, it’s in my DNA. It feels impossible to stop. When i walk around, i notice spots that would like like a good spot to sleep if i was homeless. I feel free walking around. Each new step i take it feels like im finishing a little task. My brain likes that. I can focus. A poignant sense of freedom i get when i look around. Being homeless was an adventure, survival at its core. Slipping into the riverbottom felt like home. It was me,my drugs and mother nature. Wiping spider webs out of my face as i walked to my tent. There’s a river i have to cross, a makeshift bridge has been assembled by other travlers of the great san diegan River. I tip toe across like a trapese artist, and my feet hit the sand as i adjust my two backpacks over my shoulder for the 3523 time. They are full of dirty clothes that i have been wearing for the last 3 weeks. I tried washing a pair of pants in the river, resting in peace to those pants. I get to my camp and get my pull out chairs from some bushes i had them stashed in. This chair is my most important item, it makes it so i can just sit anywhere im traveling and just get all comfy and do some meth and watch some porn, my day was full of finding the best place to isolate and do hedonistic things.

at the camp, i sigh and collapse into my chair like a budnle of twigs. I have not eaten or slept in a few days. It’s been sounding like the vietnam War in my head. Helicopters, army boats, machine gunfire, it always sounded like that because of the freeway nearby coupled with the dopamine stimulation and lack of sleep im literally a prisoner of war In my chair, i close my eyes and listen to the gun fire and helicopters and drift off to sleep. I awake hours later, and my phone is dead. It feels like it’s probably 4 a.m., judging by the way the moonlight is hitting my tent. The war was over, and there was no more gunfire. Just the sound of a freeway and the passing trolleys overhead, my tent was under a trolley bridge it provided shade during the day. I watched the trolleys scurry off to some distant land full of people commuting. Nobody knew someone was living below them as they travled merrily. I pack my pipe and get high as my stomach grumbles. I grab my packpack, 711 opens soon. The sun is starting to show his face and lights my way. Its beautiful the passing trolleys and rays of light hitting the trees, like a calm after a war. The war was over for now...lets resupply before the next one. Until next time.....