She is thin, her apartment is a mess, she is a mess. She screamed and cried. I guess that's all.

Dinner -begging to have dinner together. He says "I guess" Is this a win or another chance to fight? Eggshells it is. Seeing his cup filled to the brim overflowing but NEVER will a drop spill. Don't say anything. Don't upset him. Don't share this. Don't share that. Eggshells it is.

He put himself into detox. I’m happy but sad. Im lonely without him. I hope this works for him and me. But, I know the success rate is low. I don’t know which is worse, being alone or seeing him passed out drunk in his chair.

I've been lurking here for a few weeks trying to convince myself my situation isn't bad enough to warrant a post, but suddenly all the 'little' events have snowballed into a pattern I just can't ignore anymore.

My partner has a drinking problem. He drinks every day, and it's not just a glass of wine to unwind - sometimes it's a bottle of wine, sometimes two, or sometimes it's a bottle of spirits, sometimes two.

I've noticed lately that he's really struggling to handle his drink. He noticeably slurs, he stumbles, he's quick to anger (not at me, but he'll shout and swear when he breaks a glass or something slips out of his hand), he forgets things and he's starting arguments with me out of the blue.

All his friends drink a lot, and I know that previous partners have commented on his drinking habits, as has his mum.

He gets defensive when I talk about his drinking. He says he's in control and he'll just cut back, which lasts for about a day, then he's back to binge drinking again. He drinks when he's sad, happy, stressed, anxious or for any other excuse he can find.

When we take a 20-minute bus ride, he'll get a can of beer for the journey. He'll have 'one more drink' while I'm brushing my teeth before bed. If I don't finish my drink, he'll down whatever is left, whether he likes it or not. My friends have never met him sober, and sometimes he'll be so drunk he'll fall asleep or start crying in front of them. I hate to say it, but I find it really embarrassing, and I find myself making excuses for him.

Several times in the last couple of months, he's started text conversations with me when he's been drunk and upset and started admonishing me for all the things he thinks I do wrong. He says I'm ashamed of him (I'm not) and I don't want him to meet my friends (he's met them all) and I don't love him (I do, so much), then the next day he'll apologise but clearly won't remember most of what he said.

We're supposed to be moving in together soon, but the idea of it makes me so anxious. It's everything - when he's drunk, he snores so badly it keeps me awake all night. I don't want to bring my nice alcohol into our shared space because I'm worried he'll just drink it all. He tells me he won't drink every day when we live together, but why would I believe that?

This has turned into more of a vent than I intended, but I haven't spoken to anyone in my real life about it yet. I don't want to taint any of my friends' opinions of him - I love him so much and I desperately want him to sort himself out, but I feel so helpless. I feel resentful because he drinks so much, and he feels resentful because he feels like I'm judging him and nagging him.

I need some neutral perspectives, advice, whatever you've got really. My stomach is in knots over this, so I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom. Thank you for reading this absolute essay <3

My sister [F36] is a nurse at the hospital. She had 4 years of sobriety but has relapsed 7 times over the past year.

In November she confessed to me that she's been stealing opioids from work and using them since the end of summer since it's easier to hide than her drinking. I now know that it's progressed to using them at work. She got into a car accident last week (a minor rear-ending) because she was high and fell asleep driving home from the hospital. She was able to convince the other driver not to call the police so she didn't get caught driving under the influence.

She expects me to keep her secret. Mutual friends in the AA program think I should keep her secret, warning me it's not my secret to tell.

But it's killing me worrying about what might happen to her patients or another driver. I'm worried she might hurt someone, or kill them! I couldn't live with myself if someone got hurt and I could have said something to stop it. I feel so guilty keeping this secret and I'm really struggling with what is the right thing to do.

She makes her job her whole identity. She's in school to further her career. The other thing im worried about is her not being able to cope if she loses her nursing license. She's been suicidal and made an attempt this past summer.

She swears this relapse is the last - that she knows this is the tipping point of where her life either explodes or she gets it together and turns things around. But that's the same thing she told me in November. The only difference is this time she told our family so she's at least trying to be more honest.

Part of me feels like I should give her another chance to turn it around on her own. Part of me feels like I should make a report to the hospital for the sake of public safety.

I'm really struggling here. Please, do you have any advice?

My (39) Wife (41) is finally almost 5 months sober, after 4 years of dozens of hospitalization and stints in treatment. Although I'm fairly certain she has had a couple slips in there, but it did not snowball into anything, so I will look the other way. Her addiction was so severe I know it's not easy, and "relapse is part of recovery", as they say. It's should be no surprise to her that our addiction has put a crater where our relationship used to be. We are basically roommates now. And for sure I have not always been positive or supportive and have probably been downright insulting towards her at times. I've had to take care of her for so long and been so controlling at times that I don't know how to let her try and find her own way in life. But now she has decided that I have treated her like shit every day for as long as she can remember and basically calls our entire relationship a mistake. And then gets mad at me because if we divorce I'll be fine and she'll be a mess. Yet anytime I bring up all of the hurtful things she has done, such as refusing to let me leave the house unless I bought her alcohol, or telling the Triage Nurse at the ED that I tried to run her over with my car after she ran behind it, or kicking me out in a drunken rage at 2am and me having to sleep in my car at the train station parking lot. Not to mention the dozens of ruined trips or special occasions. And it's a disease, I get it, she didn't want to be that way, but am I just supposed to just look the other way at all that like it never happened? And every time I try to bring that up as a response (not specifics, I understand she doesn't want to bring back bad memories, just in general), and that my behavior and feelings towards her are reflective of the same towards me, it's "why do you always flip everything on me?".

So after blocking my brother again recently because he wouldn't stop drinking and being abusive, my mother phones me on Friday. She says hes been drinking all week and hasnt even gone to work. I asked her what it was she wanted me to do in this situation. She says can't you talk to him. Okay what must i say that i havent said before? She says oh tell him youve had enough and you gonna block him. I tell her i already did so what now. I aaked her if shes sorted witb food and stuff ans she says yes so i say okay leave him be. There's nothing we can do if he doesnt wanna listen. Hes a grown man.

Today he sends me a voicenote from his work phone which i didnt know he had so it wasnt blocked. Hes telling me last year when he was hospitalized because of his drinking that he didnt tell us everything. I did know the doc told him if he kept drinking he would die but apparently his liver has started failing. So i ask him "okay? And youve been drinking this whole last month so what is it you wamt me to do now?"

He says oh he needs help. He needs an ambulance to pick him up in a few hours. NOT IMMEDIATELY, IN A FEW HOURS.

I tell him to call one then. You're sitting messaging me about how you're shaking, call them instead.

He wanted me to do it for him and im just over everything. He puts out these stories once his body starts responding to what hes been doing and an attempt to get us to feel sorry for him and forget everything.

I know i sound like the devil but i just don't anymore. I cant keep feeling sorry for you and excusinf your behavior. Its like he wants all of us to get sober for him without actually outting in any work. He refuses meeting, he refuses counseling. Hell he even refuses to work on his anger. Buy we must work on forgiving him.

I have nothing left for this person, no sympathy, no love, i just feel empty about him now.

My boyfriend and his friends entire personalities revolve around drinking. There are no hobbies that don’t revolve around it. They will literally text in the morning “where are we drinking today?”

I used to enjoy going to breweries and having a couple craft beers for the taste and for the experience. They cannot do that. They are going to get blackout drunk and that’s all that matters to them.

I’m not sure how much longer I can be in this environment, but I hope one day I can get back to not being terrified of suggesting a brewery. Get back to enjoying the experience and not being an anxious mess the whole time.

There is so much more to life than being plastered all day. It’s time to start living my life the way I want and if I have to do it alone, at least I’ll be happy!

Me and my Q are in the process of separating but still live together. I guess our breakup and having to sell the house contributed to his rock bottom as he’s been sober longer than he has in years (just over 1 month). I want to be happy for him but I’m finding myself incredibly resentful.

I feel like I had to deal with years and years of shit, and now we’re breaking up he’s sorted himself out and the next person will get to have the best version of him. He sent me a text along the lines of ‘I’m sorry for what I did when I was drunk’ and has made it pretty clear he’s not willing to talk about it beyond that. I’ve said to him could we possibly see what happens down the line if he’s able to stay sober for an extended period and he said he won’t be tethered by me and it’s my choice to keep living in the past. Beyond that he hasn’t ‘fought’ for me at all, and I think he thinks staying sober is him showing he’s fighting for me in a way. Maybe I need to take a hint that he might not regret our breakup.

I just can’t believe that after everything it’s ending this way. I’m honestly broken from everything he put me through and loosing the relationship and my home has been devastating for me. I feel so unloveable and not good enough right now.

I'm a 27 year old from Ireland, my partner is the same age, we're together almost four years. I come from a very stable and close-knit family, neither of my parents really drink and I had no experience of being in pubs/around alcohol when I was a child. Rarely drink myself, maybe a couple times a year.

My partner's parents have been alcoholics for as long as they can remember. Basically raised in the pub, which from research seems to be a much more common problem in Ireland than I ever realised. My partner was neglected and left home alone from a young age, an only child. Their friends have told me just how bad things were when they were young, never any love or happy childhood experiences in the house. To this day their parents are never home, rarely ever engage with me when I do see them, I think they know I resent them. The mother has a far more narcissistic personality than the father. The father is definitely aware he has a problem, the mother has a complete victim mentality and quite literally only cares about herself. She doesn't care to know a single thing about me, or her own child to be honest. I think the lack of love and nurturing from her is what has caused the most issues for my partner. She calls my partner a waster and a waste of space (my partner has a very well-paying job, a fantastic group of friends and we have travelled the world together), so is absolutely not a waster.

Given the sheltered nature of my own life, I'm at a loss of how best to support my partner. It's reached a point where I can see unresolved childhood trauma is affecting our relationship. My partner has finally agreed to get help, and I have told them that I would arrange it and accompany them for support if that would make them more comfortable. They are extremely anxious at the thought of opening up, and very reluctant to seek support from a group setting.

Just wondering if anyone here has similar experiences of supporting a partner through the initial stages of them getting help for issues caused by parents with addiction, and if there are any resources which may be helpful. I do think AlAnon would be hugely beneficial, but can understand the anxieties around opening up in a group setting, particularly when we live in a very small, rural town. TIA.

I had to make a burner account to post this. i (f22) have been with my boyfriend (m29) for 4 months. he was the sweetest man i’ve ever dated when we first started dating. he was an angel. i’ve never loved anyone as much as i love him, but he has a drinking problem and it’s starting to affect me. when he first told me he had struggled with this in the past when we started dating i reassured him. he was afraid i’d leave him because of his drinking. i told him i never would unless it became my problem, but now it is and i’m heartbroken and scared to leave. he wouldn’t drink more than 10 drinks a week usually. as of lately, he’s been consuming at least 8 drinks every time he drinks. he drives home from the bar when he does this. he spends so much money on alcohol, he’s usually a couple hundred dollars short. last week changed everything. i am sad and i don’t feel as safe and comfortable as i used to. he came home from the bar after hanging out with my friends. one of my friends made a joke about me that he didn’t like, when i called him to say goodnight, he screamed at me. he told me my friends were stupid, everything i like is stupid, accused me of telling my friends to physically hurt him (which i did not. also no one did anything to him. at all.), he called me a bitch and told me to go fuck myself. it was so bad we got a noise complaint. when things like this happen, i always wonder why no one tries to help me. no one ever asks if im ok. no one has ever even called to attempt to help me. i was previously diagnosed with ptsd from childhood trauma. after years of very hard work in therapy and outpatient programs, when i was being assessed by a new psychiatrist, i found out i no longer met the criteria for diagnosis. i was so happy. i cried tears of joy when i told him. he said he was proud of me. we celebrated. unfortunately, since the screaming’s gotten worse, a lot of my old symptoms have come back. i had a panic attack for the first time in years, and i haven’t stopped getting them since. when he screams at me i get so scared i shake and cry and ive even thrown up before. i also get flashbacks and hear all the mean things he says to me just replaying in my head all day. he never apologizes to me. when i try to bring things up when he’s sober so i can tell him all the things he said to me, he acts like i am being unreasonable and accusatory. he told me he was going to quit cold turkey. i tried to convince him to not do that and to get help instead and do it properly but he refuses to do so, so i simply can’t do anything about that. since he quit drinking, things have gotten a little better but they’re definitely not perfect. he screamed at me a few times his first few sober days. i thought this was because he was struggling with withdrawals, so i allowed it. it’s been not even a week of dealing with this but he screams at me nearly every single day. he ignores me when i talk to him, he says i talk too much. i just keep quiet because i don’t want to upset him but when i don’t talk he screams again because i am “always mad” at him. i keep telling myself things will get better with time, but im scared. i’m scared things are only going to get worse and im scared to express my feelings. everyday i feel like i am walking on eggshells but i’m scared to leave. after he screamed at me the other day over something extremely trivial, i considered actually leaving for the first time. i was gathering some clothes in a bag, and i thought about throwing the rest of my stuff in there. im scared to leave because we work together, so i’d still have to see him. he’s met my family, i am scared i will get backlash for leaving because no one in my family but my mom knows what’s going on. i’m scared he’s going to turn this around and paint me like the bad guy. when i met him, i thought he was the man i wanted to marry. a month and a half ago, he asked me to move in with him. we were planning on moving to a bigger place, but im not sure if i want to anymore. i know i cant “fix” him. i just want too help him. that’s why i haven’t left. because i feel like if i was in his situation i would spiral if he left me. dealing with this has driven me to abuse my (prescribed) anxiety medication. i do nothing but sleep and he’s still mad at me. i’m lost. someone help me. please.

we haven't spoken for nearly a year, but her family and I remain close and support each other as much as possible. apparently Q was hospitalized after falling down and hitting her head during a drinking binge. she was unable to remember how to perform basic tasks, and suspected she's been experiencing bouts of hallucinations (she has been). she entered a 30 day rehab voluntarily. I have extremely low expectations that she will stay, but I hope she does. If she leaves, there is very little chance that she will survive the next 5 years. she's 41 years old. at least for now, she's where she needs to be. one day at a time.

When I came to Al-Anon, I found a lot of people who had decided to climb down from their ladders 🪜 into the circle ⭕️ of fellowship. —Courage to Change p33 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Thank God I am not dependent on my own resources alone. Having tried to bring order and meaning into my life without God’s help, I will now step aside and let Him take over. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p33 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Alateen helps me understand that I am powerless over what happened to me when I was younger, and that the best thing I can do for myself is to forgive. —Living Today in Alateen p33 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I didn’t experience peace overnight, but eventually, it gave me strength I didn’t know I had. —A Little Time for Myself p33 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Today I avoid gossip, and in doing so, I keep from being controlling and judgmental. —Hope for Today p33 ©️2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I have been accepted into the loving embrace of this fellowship and treated as an equal, and I have healed. —How Al-Anon Works p162 ©️1995 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Me and Dad got into it today... he was drinking at 9 before we whent to the store. When we left I was frustrated he asked me what was wrong I said you're going to be pissed off at me but you're slurring your words and it's 9

We went to the store and when we came back I started fussing at him again obviously he doesn't think it's a big deal saying he went 3 weeks without it and I brought up him taking a flask with us even though I already got onto him about him slurring his words this early

I brought up the fact that Grandma went with us and it makes her upset he doesn't think she can tell I said she can we whent back and forth for a bit before he said I'm done and that was the end of the conversation I tried to continue but he said there's nothing else to say

my older brother (36M) is an alcoholic, and his disease has significantly progressed in the past year. I live in the same city as him, his wife, and his 2yo child. Our parents live a couple of states away.

This past year has been a constant cycle of him drinking, getting kicked out by his wife, him coming to stay with me, or going to stay with his parents, going to meetings for a couple weeks so he is allowed back home, repeating the cycle. He just got out of rehab last week and immediately relapsed. I told my therapist i was dreading him coming out bc at least in rehab i knew i wouldnt get a random call asking me to drop everything and deal with him.

The requests from my sister in law usually look like can i go to his house while my sister in law has to travel for work/go to an appointment/etc. because she doesnt trust him alone with their child. the requests from my parents to go check on him, make sure he isn't drunk, or if he is drunk, help him get to a meeting, or to the hospital, or to get on a plane to go to my parents.

On the few sober days, my family may try to socialize and i may be asked to pretend things are normal. christmas, for example he was drunk and passed out through. so i was asked to reenact christmas two days later when he was sober.

I'm considering telling my family that I will no longer be engaging with him until he achieves sobriety measured in months, not days. I will not attend a gathering he is present at, and I will not take calls to deal with his mistakes. If my sister in law does not trust him with their daughter, she is welcome to drop her off at my house. I will gladly babysit my niece, but I am not going to babysit my adult brother.

Part of me wonders if this is cruel, or if the other family members in my life will even respect it. Anyone have experience with cutting contact with a Q, and any tips on how to make sure the boundaries stick?

My partner has been sober for 10 months. Tonight in the early morning hours, I smelled that sick, fruity smell coming either off his body or breath. I know from experience (my own and with him) that usually happens due to heavy drinking. But he was completely sober when we went to bed. It kept me up worrying about it for a few hours and then I got up and noticed I had left a ripe banana peel that had gone black on the shelf above my head. It definitely smelled. But this was triggering and you know how sometimes in the wee hours things lose perspective. I’m going to mention it to him when he wakes up but… he’s working his program by daily meetings (virtual so I know he’s going). Altho he hasn’t finished his Fourth but says his sponsor wants him to take his time. I don’t see him doing much of anything else but going to daily meetings and occasionally hosting. We have a history of him lying to my face about his drinking and me trusting him. I’m 29 years sober and I know his program is none of my business. I just can’t figure out if I’m tripping or this is real.

So I finally made the choice to join an Al-Anon meeting via teams call last night....... And I will most definitely come keep coming back. Everything everyone talked about resonated with me in one way or another. I wasn't able to reach out and say it was my first time cause all I did was ugly cry on mute with my camera off the whole time. To know that others at least are trying to make sense of the same things I am and I understanding why I feel the way I do. Especially realing that it's okay to feel this way but I don't have to hang on to it really opened my eyes. I wish I had gone sooner, I might try to go every day until I can really get to a place of peace in my life. I felt relief, loss, acceptance, and gratitude just from my first meeting. I am so grateful for the Al-Anon community.

My dad’s spent 3 weeks of the last month drunk morning noon and night. Today he smeared poop all over the bathroom, his bedroom carpet, his bed, his recliner, and himself. I got really angry, texted our family group chat about it, and get a call from him. He’s crying, naked, laying in his poop, telling me he needs help but begging me not to call an ambulance. Eventually my brother and I get him in an ambulance. But my dad was sobbing begging not to go. Finally he lays down naked on a stretcher still sobbing, it was horrifying. And I didn’t comfort him at all. Now he’s in the hospital overnight alone. And now I’m feeling like I humiliated him instead of just telling him to go to sleep

….at the beginning of January, we had a fight where he was rude to me after I expressed concerns that he might be drinking (reeked of alcohol) again following his rehab in October.

I’ve never been in this type of situation before—dating someone in recovery—but it felt like once he received his inheritance, got a new job, and moved into his own place, he no longer valued my support.

I love and care about him, but I had to prioritize myself and set boundaries to avoid getting pulled into a messy situation. So, I told him to leave.

Is it common for people to discard someone who stood by them during their recovery journey without any clear reason?

I’ve been focusing on myself, but honestly, I still feel pretty down about the whole situation. I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can discard you like that. It’s been a month of silence—I reached out twice to check in, but got nothing in return.

So my mom got a dui about two months ago. She hired a lawyer and is going to court in a few weeks.

We are in Quebec Canada, and from friends they say it’s usually mandatory breathalyzer in the car after first dui, which If she gets that I will be happy.

My concern is that my car is still registered under her name, I’ve bought it from her but we never got around to changing names on the title. Will this be a problem when we go to court or will they not worry about it since I am listed as the primary driver of the vehicle? We are trying to plan to go change it next week.

Any other advice about pre/post dui in Canada is appreciated 🙏 I’m only 19, it’s hard for me since I don’t have any other adults for help and I’m taking care of my mom. Thanks in advance 💙

I (33f) and my partner (38m) found out that we were pregnant (unplanned) a few months ago. I'm 12 weeks along now.

We've been dating for a few years, and he was in stable recovery when we met. We fell in love and saw/discussed a future together, including kids. I do want to have kids, regardless of him, and I want to keep the baby, but I am tortured by the idea of bringing a child into the world whose father cannot show up for them.

My partner has had substance use disorder since a he was teenager, and has been through many programs, many times, has had long stretches of sobriety, and long stretches of use. He went through some major trauma right before we met and hasn't worked through it, which I believe to be one of the main sources of his intensive use this past summer. He has been wanting to get into recovery since mid-fall, with both successes and return to use.

He went to detox after we found out about the pregnant. He didn't stay for inpatient though I wanted him to. He attends a methadone clinic and has stopped illicit opiate use (yay! we will take any wins), but has recently restarted crack use and is still deeply entrenched in the lifestyle (late nights, unreliability, inconsistent sleep, inconsistent work schedule, etc.). He is technically in an IOP but doesn't show up consistently. He knows these are issues and says he wants recovery, but so far, he isn't able/willing to make the baseline structural changes (change of environment, relationships) needed or go to inpatient.

I want this baby. I'm ready (very stable, financially, emotionally, etc.) to have this child. I have my and his family's support, but many of my friends have stopped supporting me. I'm at a point now where I need to set new boundaries — he either has to get sober and commit to creating the stability and reliability of a parent, or I need to walk away to figure out whether or not I want to keep the baby on my own. I know that he would be a wonderful father if he gets it together, but the evidence shows that so far, he can't. I really don't want to get an abortion, but I also really do not want to bring a child into the world whose parent can't show up for them. That seems like a very cruel thing to do to a baby/child/person who didn't ask to be here.

I am lucky that I have lots of tools for emotional processing and support (therapy 2x a week, meditation and mindfulness practice, movement, etc). The pain and confusion in the moment I can handle, I just don't know what to do or consider in making this decision and how to navigate it ethically.

TL;DR 12 weeks into unplanned pregnancy; I want to keep the baby, but the father is making very incremental recovery process—one step forward, two steps back—what do I consider when thinking about keeping the baby or not?

I really have four Qs in my life. My father, both brothers, and my husband have all had drinking and drug problems. My dad and oldest brother are in recovery, fully clean and sober for several years now, and both working in the recovery industry. My husband has slowed wayyyyy down and gotten MUCH better and I am no longer worried about him. But now my middle brother is still stuck in active addiction, and I worry all the time. He lives across the country from the rest of us and I have no way to check in on him or help. I'm constantly worried. He has DUIs so he can't drive anymore and he works in restaurant industry so is constantly surrounded by a ton of alcohol (and alcohol abusers, tbh). I spent so many years of my life worried about my oldest brother when he was hooked on heroine, literally used to drive around the streets at night to try and find him, terrified I'd find him dead. And now he's better, about to have a kid, and living a wonderful life. And my dad is doing great, running AA meetings, helping so many others and doing so much better. But my other brother is still stuck in the thick of it.

I just feel like...we've all left him behind. Like he's still stuck and we're just over here doing our own thing and I have no idea how to help. I just feel so helpless. With all the others, I always felt like I could help. I used to bring my brother to rehab, I'd find him in random hotels rooms and take care of him when he was sick, I helped my dad work through his guilt, I helped my husband work through his trauma and grief. But I can't help him.

And a part of me, very selfishly, is sick of it. I'm sick of being the family therapist, the one who pulls everyone through it and plays doctor. I have realized that I am resentful, and angry about it. And that makes me feel even worse. Because I DO want to help, but I'm just so. Tired. At least if I was there, I could help. I don't know how to get through this while not being able to help.

The thing is, he did move back recently to stay with my parents. I talked to my dad about it a LOT and said why can't we help him too? Like I know it's not just some magical process, there is no cure, but can't we push? Can't we get him some help? But my dad says he needs to want it first. And damn me if he isn't the most stubborn person I've ever met. He thinks he's fine.

He was here for ONE WEEK before he got into a bar fight that left him with a black eye and his friend with a broken foot. A week later, his other friend was shot and killed by some fuck in a bar. And still, my brother doesn't understand the problem. I'm so anxious sometimes I can't breathe. I refuse to let him die to this but I just don't know what else to do to make him see. I just feel so lost.

I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting but I think I might try one. I just don't know what to do with all these feelings.

If we really accept the fact that we have no authority or power over any other human being, we would not try to compel the drinker to do what we want him to do. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p32 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I can go to my room and call my sponsor, or read my Alateen books. … Learning to change the things I can, such as my behavior, makes my life more peaceful. —Living Today in Alateen p32 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc

Been together 10 years we recently lost our dog who was part of our family it's every night he will buy 4 pack cans then want me order 3 bottles beers I get the every sunday I will stop but nope last week I lied said shop wasn't delivering he drank bottle champagne from last Xmas I found him lying on bathroom floor asleep. We have a gorgeous 5 year old and I can't have him around this. He will come home from work have a 3 hour bath drinking whilst I do dinners and our son. I feel so alone and anxious cause I know he's going sit all night drinking woth all his excuses. We've just had a massive row because I refused order 3 bottles he's drank 4 cans and has q bottle left. I don't drink and I've binned all xmas gift wines we have so there's no alcohol lying around. He knows I don't like confrontation due to ex he knows I'm terrified of people getting drunk due to childhood trauma but again it's.like he doesn't care about me or us just how he feels.

Two nights I came in from work and he was drinking. The second night I came in, he had passed out - still holding a drink. He drank a bottle of vodka.

Plus he has slacked up on hygiene and he’s gained weight - a lot - his stomach is big but I suspect something else is going on in there and probably from the alcohol.

He says he’s mad at me - this was a few days after I told him it’s over, and on the phone - he had been drinking - the sound in his voice when he’s drunk 😩 - too heart breaking.

He needs help and I tried but it was really F’ing with me mentally and impacting my job.

He hardly works and I have this terrible feeling he’s waiting on getting an inheritance when his other parent passes away. She has given him over 100k to fix his house up (we can’t afford it - he had it before I moved in) and they keep asking me what did he do with the money. As if I know - the man doesn’t want to discuss anything, other than politics and the weather (in between criticizing every thing that moves).

God help me to stay strong.
My therapist says my attraction to this type, is due to being raised in a home w an alcoholic. And it was the big family secret or we pretended as if nothing was going on). A loving parent who drank until they passed out.

I want to believe they drink because they aren’t well and not doing it for kicks.

If you read this far thank you! ☹️

Today, I Will Dance

I am powerless over having two adult children directly affected by alcoholism. I am powerless over the fear I have related to this disease. However, Al‑Anon has taught me that I am not powerless over my responses to that fear or how I relate to my adult children.

“Just for Today,” I have been honest about my fear that one of my loved ones may harm himself. I talked with my Sponsor, who listened and validated my feelings. She reminded me that I can go into the past or I can go into the future, but if I do, I will be by myself, because God is only in the present. She reminded me to keep the focus on myself and suggested I use a God box, write my feelings and fears on slips of paper, and place them in this box. This is an action that can help me let go. Since doing this, I’ve not dwelled on those fears.

Another suggestion was to not nurture the fears and instead nurture myself. I nurture myself by doing something I love. I love to dance. Tonight, I will do that.

The last thing I do is to make a list of all that I am grateful for. At the top of my list will be Al‑Anon!

By Barbara A.

The Forum, February 2025

Feel free to reprint this article on your service arm website or newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum**, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.**

Information for Newcomers

Welcome ,what are you doing For your recovery from their disease? Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings? By posting here YOU are being affected

At Al-Anon meetings I learned the 3 C's: I didn't CAUSE alcoholism, I can't CONTROL it & I can't CURE it. I also learned that I am allowed to set boundaries. Also that their recovery depends on them NOT you. Also that alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Also covering up, lying & hiding the drinking is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. Here is a famous AA saying : one drink is too many & a thousand are not enough.

Here is a link to our detachment leaflet: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/alcoholic

A few suggestions for recovery from this family disease of alcoholism

Go to the now mostly virtual meetings when possible

Read the literature & get a sponsor to work the steps in Al-Anon

Remember you are not alone

Focus on yourself not on the alcoholic

DENIAL = Don't Even kNow that I Am Lying.

Here is a link to some word-wide local virtual & in person Al-Anon meetings almost 24/7.. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784

Check out this link to attend via email, zoom, and/or phone meetings.https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

Some local meetings (both virtual and in-person) by country, state or province. You can also Google: al anon + [your city or state] https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/

Here is a link to word-wide local virtual Al-Anon meetings: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784

Here is a link to normal electronic meetings : https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/ including regular email & phone meetings.

Here's the app link from the website:

https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/al-anon-faces-alcoholism/

https://al-anon.org/for-members/public-outreach/materials-post-online/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJaKP5S2Wc

Good luck to you.

Until Al-Anon I was Entangled in my Son's Life

It is an understatement to say that my life had become unmanageable. My 17-year-old son was abusing drugs and alcohol. I spent night after night wondering what I had done wrong, and what should I be doing differently. It seemed like the more I tried to fix and control him, the worse things became. I would listen in on his phone conversations, spy on him, and raid his room looking for drugs and alcohol; yet continue to clean up his mess and mistakes. I took the fall for his actions.
​
One day, a dear friend told me I should go to
​Al-Anon. I was so surprised at my first meeting to hear how many people were telling my story. They, too, had cried night after night, worried that every ambulance or police siren was because of their child. They, too, had worried that their lives were out of control. It hit me that they were using past tense—used to be out of control. I heard how Al-Anon gave them their lives back. I wanted what they had, so I returned to Al-Anon week after week.

The first tool that Al-Anon gave me was the Serenity Prayer. This prayer became my comb to work out the tangles of my life. When I found myself worrying about my son, I said the Serenity Prayer. I was able to separate what I could not change and what I could change. Of course, the only thing I could change was myself. My tangled life was beginning to become untangled. It has been one and a half years since I went to my first meeting, and my life has transformed. I feel like the happiness I now have radiates from every cell of my body, and I can honestly say this is all because of Al-Anon. I am truly grateful.

By Carol B., British Columbia November, 2012Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We have a 3 year old and it is mostly a happy marriage. He has been sober now for over 30 days. He finally got honest with me in October. I already knew and deep down resented him for drinking everyday since the Covid lockdown. There are so many times it ruined things but I just let it go bc I love him. Now that he went away to detox and rehab and is home it’s like the first 20 days or so was great he was happy. It was the man I first fell in love with. But while he was gone I realized if he didn’t come home I could do this. I could be a single mom. I did it for 2 months I mean my parents and in-laws helped but it was mostly me.

Now he’s working a program. Has a sponsor. Is doing what he needs to do with that. But he’s now depressed and has no job so he just sits home all day. I leave notes of things to do and he doesn’t. He just sleeps. He will take our son to and from daycare but I’m working like a dog bringing in the only income and sometimes I feel like he is still hiding things from me.

I know it’s going to take a while for the trust to be there but I’m becoming miserable. Spending more time at work. And just not wanting to be around him.

I guess my long post is to say does it get better ? I’m trying to see the silver lining but I can’t.

So I am writing here to try to see if someone have any ideas or inputs to why the hell my boyfriend (mid 30's) suddenly gets triggered into drinking.

He can go months without drinking but when he does then there is no stop button. That I mean is a pretty classical alcohol problem. He never drinks alone though. For him the drinking is associated with partying/going out. He tells me that he will be going to a work event/Friday bar a have a couple of beers and I truly believe that he thinks that that is how it will play out. Cut to him coming home at 5. So the binge drinking in itself is tiresome and it is annoying that those "two beers" are never the two beers but he is like an enigma to me in terms of how it is all related in his brain. I can almost sense the electricity or short circuit from his brain when I can feel that he needs to "go out". It is definitely some sort of escape for him, and often it sort of self-perpetuates so that if he went out Friday then he cannot deal with the hang-over and maybe not deal with his own emotions and meets up with someone to start drinking at lunch the next day and go out again at night. Then after such a weekend sometimes he gets back on track as if that burst of energy of blowing out his brains gives him some weird calm for the time being. I have looked in this group a lot to try to find some similar case but have not yet seen it. If anybody does this or know somebody who does this, could you try to explain to me what triggers it or how it feels? He is very closed off about it when I ask him why he cannot control it or why he has the need to do it, always just says "I dunno". Clearly there is something inside of him he is not willing to investigate at all. He mentions sometimes that he has low self esteem. Im wondering if that is part of the explanation? He has always been like this, also before he met me so it is not some escape from a relationship etc. He will be at the club on his own until they close, I find the behaviour so mystifying and I have a hard time getting meaningful answers from him. Sorry for the rant.