I feel so defeated, I have an appointment with a lawyer this week to discuss a separation agreement. I don’t want to leave him, he’s such a good man when he’s sober, but I feel like I’m drowning. My parents told me I’m angry all the time now, that it’s like we’re all on a roller coaster and he’s the one controlling it.

Hello. My Q has been sober, as far as I know, for the last 3 months. However, today he has been acting...well drunk. He, of course, says he's not and I have no way to confirm.

This morning, after I asked him if he had been drinking he left the house with our son to go to his parents, which was his plan for the day. On the way there he decided to try off-roading in an private (he did not know it was private) lot. He got stuck and broke the axel on his truck.

So him and our kid got yelled at by the owner of this lot and had to get a tow out of there. He still went to his parents and then came home. They were both obviously upset.

He was still acting a bit off so I told him to stop lying to me and sent him into our bedroom to take a nap.

I'm struggling with accusing him of drinking, he says he's not, and then feeling completely helpless and crazy. Clearly something is not right but he will never admit it. And then he puts our kid in danger but I have no way of proving anything! It's just so frustrating and I don't know what to do.

After 8 years together and 1 year of marriage, I (26M) told my wife (26F) that I don’t see a future together anymore and think we need a divorce.

When I proposed two years ago, I had already seen the signs that her drinking was a real problem. I just put enough trust in her to “figure it out” before the wedding. That didn’t happen, but I went through with it regardless and our first year of marriage has easily been the worst year of our relationship.

I noticed her drinking being an issue right around the time that my mom passed away from complications due to her alcoholism. This is when I really educated myself around the disease. I also became very close to my dad, and he told me all about their 30 year marriage and how much of a struggle it was. Because of this, I have little-to-no patience for alcohol in my relationship.

I’ve slowly been checking out of our relationship basically ever since the wedding as the drinking continued to get worse. I could feel myself losing feelings for her everytime I saw her blacked out on the couch, or embarrassing me in front of friends at social events. I’ve been focusing on myself for the past several months, and it’s been the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

I threatened to leave about a month ago, and she finally took that as her “wake up call” to make changes. She did drastically cut down on her drinking and finally scheduled an appointment with a therapist. However, I found empty beer cans in her closet so idk how much she really cut down.

Deep down, I know it’s best for the both of us for me to walk away. Despite that, it killed me to see her reaction when I brought up divorce. I feel so much guilt for leaving right when it seems like she’s finally taking things seriously. But I can’t help thinking that I’m just heading down the path that my dad took, and can’t willingly sign up for that type of life. I don’t want to be anxious for the rest of my life wondering when she will relapse. But it’s so hard throwing away the past 8 years of my life and starting over.

I have been in and out of contact with my alcoholic, narcissistic mother since I was able to leave my house at 18. I am 33 years old now.

My Mom has always been extremely unpredictable - sober or not. You never know if you're going to be talking to a genuinely sweet person or an angry, explosive lunatic. She has always been volatile and, obviously we have never had the best relationship as a result.

In January of this year, I worked with a family therapist and had several sessions with my Mom. Me and my therapist made it abundantly clear that I will not have a relationship with her if she is drinking. Honestly, I've wanted her to be sober so bad, for so long, I wouldn't care if she drank behind my back.

Just not in front of me. I just can't handle watching her drink anymore. The person she becomes is downright vile. She has no decency when she is drinking. My boundaries were clear, and we were seemingly able to build a semi-normal relationship in the following months.

I feel stupid because her sobriety was short lived and as of last week, I have concrete proof she is drinking again.

My sister suddenly and very traumatically lost her husband. He left her behind with a 3 year old girl, as well. My step-brother's family arranged for a beautiful service that I would attend with my Mom. I was her ride as her license is currently suspended.

As soon as she got in my car, I noticed the strong smell of liquor on her but I for some reason did not confront her. She was not acting impaired, so I just tried to shake it off.

After the service, I went to find my sister and her daughter at the reception. We stood and talked next to her close friends, family members and coworkers.

That is when my Mom emergences from whichever way she went to get drunk. I assume she had a flask in her bag or something. She then comes up to my sister, and, in front of everyone tells her not to "worry about money like most widows do" and that she can "easily find another rich man". She even made a joke about the size of his penis.

She said these things publicly, loudly, and about a newly dead person. Everyone was speechless, and horrified. I looked at my sister and knew I needed to get this woman the hell out of there.

I tell my wasted Mom that she needs to leave, and I manage to basically force her into my car and out of there. At this point I am bawling. My mom goes on to insult me for being unmarried, and "not having a career job". (I am a hairstylist, I make good money and love what I do).

I don't know who this woman is anymore but she does not even feel like my mother anymore. My sister has since told me that she will never be speaking to my mom again.

I find it so depressing that I have put up with so much from her for the sole fact that I just wanted a Mom. I am endlessly jealous of those with good parents.

I am obviously hurt, and wondering if I should just give up on ever having her be my Mom. I mean, she is already in her late 50's still acting this way. There is still a huge part of me that wants, so badly, to just have a Mom. I never had a Dad in my life, and the only parent I have just sucks. It makes me feel so lonely and depressed, having basically no family.

I'm not necessarily seeking advice, although that would be nice. I am mainly coming here to rant and feel less alone. It just sucks so much.

TLNR ; My alcoholic narc mother humiliated herself and my family at my step-brothers funeral. She will never change but I am not sure if I actually feel strong enough to permanently remove her from my life.

The Power of Letting Go

Whenever I’m trying to control things I can’t control and trying to dictate instead of accept, my life starts to feel unmanageable. This feeling is particularly strong when I’m dealing with another person who isn’t acting the way I want them to act—especially when their behavior feels like an injustice against me.

In those moments, I live inside my head, spelling out all of their flaws and mistakes, proving my case for why I’m right, and trying to think of just the right words or actions that will make them do what I want. I twist myself up like a pretzel and only end up feeling even more out of control.

Luckily, with Al‑Anon and a whole lot of practice, I’m getting better at differentiating between the things I can control and the things I can’t. I am learning how to let go of other people’s behavior and find my truth and the courage to act on it. The inside of my head still gets unmanageable from time to time, but now I have the tools and the support system to recognize it sooner and move myself in a healthier direction.

By Matt B.

The Forum, November 2024

*Published in The Forum under the title “Untwisting the Pretzel.”

Feel free to reprint this article on your service arm website or newsletter, along with this credit line: Reprinted with permission of The Forum**, Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.**

Following Directions: How Al-Anon Helped Me Find My Way

Living on a cul-de-sac, I see many cars driving down my street only to turn around and go back. I watch in amusement, wondering how they miss the big yellow sign at the intersection that says: “Dead End.”

This behavior, I think, is a metaphor for my life. How many dead ends have I been down? How many wrong turns have I made? How many signs have I ignored in my insanity, thinking there was light at the end of that tunnel?

Part of my problem was having no direction. I had no idea where I was going, or what I was looking for. I hoped I would recognize it when I found it.

Even if I had had a destination, I didn’t know how to get there. I didn’t have a map or a set of instructions telling me where to turn.

I did have this vague notion that I was seeking was some form of spirituality. Oddly, this spirituality did not involve any surrender of my will or control over my life.

When I arrived at Al-Anon, I was lost and tired of taking wrong turns.

Finally I arrived at a dead end. I discovered what I was looking for and what it looked like: spirituality that claimed there was a God-and He was not me. I was given a road map and a set of instructions called the Twelve Steps.

Someone volunteered to be my guide (my Sponsor) to help me read the map. Of course, the first thing I had to learn was that I was not the driver, but the wheel was under control of my Higher Power.

With these three-a Higher Power, the Twelve Steps, and a Sponsor-I am now in good hands.
 
By Gene D., Alabama  March, 2009Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

He was sober for 2 months and he went and bought booze last night when we got in a fight and more at 9 this morning. He was so happy that he had finally stopped drinking. Do I give it some time and see if he works it out on his own? When he finally got sober he mentioned that he felt like I was really unsupportive about his struggles. So do I just bring it up in a nonjudgmental way and say I know you're struggling again let me know what I can do to help? I just don't know how to handle this.

my best friend got married last night and i was surrounded by couples ... i work REALLY hard everyday to be good and happy being alone. and i am, i love so much about being alone and i'm deeply grateful that my Q isn't in my home, in my space, on my time. i made that happen for myself ❤️

but i slipped last night and had a vulnerable moment in the car ride home ... he grew up in a big yankee family and i had been thinking of him since they lost the world series. and it's so sad because i think to myself :: why can't you pick up the phone and tell someone you're thinking of them?? right? that should be the deal. but with an alcoholic, sadly and truly, it's really not a good idea, and it's not necessary.

i rang him and we talked on my ride home, i tried to have a casual conversation with him instead of an intense one ... because typically it's him reaching out ... in whatever erratic, regretful, heartbroken, violent way he sees fit (block him. i know.). this has happened once or twice a month for many months from him, these little encounters over text that i sometimes engage, sometimes ignore. anyway, our "casual conversation" was going ok, i was joking around with him ... and then when i asked a question about the world series, like was every game played in yankee stadium he goes to me "i want to kill you right now". a few weeks ago, he texted me at midnight saying "thinking of you" and i said "wishing you a nice day" the next morning ... he started a little text thing with me that ended with him saying "i hate you" with zero provocation. he NEVER said anything like that to me, not in our relationship or communication since, he would scream and yell but he was not verbally abusive. i have a feeling something is increasingly very wrong with him, and clearly :: i need to continue staying the fuck away. and when i go WHAT??? he goes to me no no i don't hate you ... or about the "i want to kill you" comment :: "sorry sorry sorry". there is like an infinitesimal chance that communicating with an alcoholic won't lead to trauma on trauma ... so i'm done because what the actual fuck.

let this be a cautionary tale :: if you're in no contact, do not break it. do something kind and fun for yourself instead of giving your breath to an alcoholic. everyday i am no contact is a day that i don't experience the chaos of this sick person, which has absolutely nothing to do with me ... so why insert it into my life? clock restarts today. x

If anyones remember me, boyfriend/long time friend was alcoholic. We broke up last year. It was truly some of the worst years of my life. I was truly at my lowest. Update: He unfriended me on social media recently and I think he is using nature & hikes and legal weed to not drink but don't really know anymore. Feel free to DM me if you need a buddy.

I remember when I was posting on here and getting many positive responses. I eventually was healed enough from him that I didn't need the support of this thread anymore. THANKS!

I've posted in other groups looking for support and it would start with the positive comments and then the hateful people would come in and ruin my day. I couldn't imagine finally feeling safe to post on here in the depth of his abuse and a random alcoholic commenting that I deserve the abuse or something but in other groups on this website, that's the reality. Like I could have made a post about getting in a car crash and people would have told me I should have died in that car crash. The comments I saw were so TERRIBLE that I ended up deleting posts because the hateful comments were too much for me to deal with. It made me feel bad because it means someone needing help did not see my story but sometimes you need to protect yourself before helping others. I remember posting on here and seeing those that were in my position and were so glad to hear my story because it gave them the strength to move on.

So, I wanted to just say thank you to this community for not being hateful and allowing me a space of like minded peers to continue my healing journey.

Remember to put your life jacket on FIRST before drowning to put your alcoholic's life jacket on.

First I came, then I “came to,” and then I came to believe. —Courage to Change p307 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters.

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones.”—Proverbs quoted in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p307 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters.

One day I realized that I was so afraid of being disappointed once more, that I was holding back. —A Little Time for Myself p307 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters.

The first step in changing our negative attitudes is becoming aware of them, a process that rarely happens overnight. …before we can change a negative outlook to a positive one or change self-pity into gratitude, we have to accept ourselves precisely the way we are. —How Al-Anon Works p78 ©️1995 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters.

my (19F) bf (25m) and i are medium distance (2 hours) so i truly am not sure how much he drinks regularly, but i have an idea. he said that he's been drinking "till he gets a buzz", but it's been like 4 days this week of him drinking a 6 pack. he complains about being broke, but then will go blow money on beer. I am not trying to criticize him as it is in fact his money, but I am worried. If he was taking care of himself and doing something other than sitting and playing video games when he gets off of work, i would be less worried. He's gained a lot of weight, and I am genuinely worried for his health. We've talked about substance issues in the past and he has denied having problems with alcohol, so I am not completely sure. I don't know how to help him as he is going through a rough patch in his life. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can navigate this please let me know. Thank you.

My (50M) stbxw (50F) is an alcoholic who chose drinking over our marriage. She has been threatening to leave for 8 of our 23 years together. Even though we lived together until today, I stopped talking to her a year ago about anything. She’s too broken to hear me.

Anyone else had this experience?

I left my ex fiancé 1 month ago. It was 1 month on the dot i discovered he was a cheating, lying manipulator and so i packed my things, left the ring and never looked back.

I’ve been feeling ok for the most part since, I’ve definitely had some rough times but mostly ok. Now it almost feels like it’s getting harder. I’m feeling extremely isolated and lonely. I had just moved to a new city a couple months prior to meeting him and I made some friends but nothing super strong where I feel like I belong. Not to mention I lost my job the same day I broke up with him so the stress of searching also sucks. Fortunately i still had my own apartment and I’m financially strong enough to weather this. But the weight of feeling lonely plus my life blowing up in one day feels terrible sometimes, especially at night and in the mornings when i wake up and go to bed alone.

Ranting and looking for support here as sometimes I’m feeling angry his addiction blocked me from having a stable life after trying so hard to build something but if anything everything is in shambles. I’m 31F really was looking forward and grateful for some stability and starting a family. Looking for hope/ words of encouragement/ wisdom/ anything

Frequent lurker, first time posting on mobile. So my Q did outpatient rehab and has been going to AA. I don’t think he’s drinking, but I’ve been suspicious of hearing deep inhaling from the each nostril in the early hours when he’s outside. I asked him if anything was going on and he said no and said he’d do a drug test if I wanted. I said that he takes prescriptions so he’d probably fail since he was testing positive for PCP due to his current prescription meds. We stayed quietly in bed for a minute before he got upset and went to sleep elsewhere. Should I just have not said anything?

Tonight my Q and I were talking about how when we hangout with our mutual friend, they just enable each other to drink more and he was talking about ways to avoid certain binge drinking situations (like not letting our friend sleep over in the guest room anymore because then they both wake up and start drinking in the morning but my Q doesn’t drink when he wakes up when it’s just us).

Because my Q was expressing a desire to change, I then took that as an opportunity to express some feelings (but maybe shouldn’t have. I’m just so sick of not being able to express how I feel). I mentioned that he never drinks in the morning unless certain other people are around, like when we visit his family (his parents are both alcoholics). I told him that i can see that it’s a part of the culture of his family to do that, but that it gives me a lot anxiety to be around his family sometimes and gave the example of how when we last visited, his dad picked us up from the airport at 11am and took us immediately to the liquor store, which made me really anxious and uncomfortable because I thought we were going to lunch. Nope. No food, just booze.

We’ve been together 7 years and are talking about getting married and I’ve never expressed to him that his family’s alcoholism makes me super anxious. He became furious at me and screamed at me calling me a heartless asshole. I just wanted him to understand that it’s a tough situation for me sometimes (I know his addiction is tough for him). He said I don’t understand how to talk about addiction and that I'm just an ignorant asshole and it’s a disease that his whole family has and they can’t help it and I should talk about it as if they have cancer. I do understand that it’s a disease but does that mean I cannot express that it makes me anxious? I have had people close to me in my life who had cancer. It wasn’t like this. They didn’t make me anxious because they didn't ask me to drink with them instead of eat lunch. It’s different.

I’m trying to find a better way to understand this and how to talk about it. But I also I’m tired of feeling that I can’t say how I feel. Am I a fucking asshole?? What am I missing?

Is using a couple or few shots of alcohol at night to be able to sleep considered alcoholic? During the day they don't drink besides 1 drink here or ther at restaurants/events.

Previous spouse was an alcoholic. And I just found out my current partner has been using alcohol to go to sleep. I thought it was on occasion but he just said it's been going on for a while.

He's working on getting help. I didn't ask questions. But I am afraid there is more....

My Q is my husband. We have 2 young children together. He is a chronic pot smoker (heavy daily use all day long but functions / runs a business like this) a 3-4 day a week drinker (not super heavy but binges occasionally) and an occasional cocaine user (around every 3-4 months he has a cocaine bender of about 3 days.) The biggest issue I've had is the cocaine because he lies and hides it and is very difficult to be around / is extremely irritable when he's coming off it. The pot use is also becoming concerning because I think it keeps him from dealing with his underlying issues. I have had a hard time setting boundaries because he breaks them or gets mad at me / says I'm controlling. How do you all set boundaries and keep them? It's not realistic for me to leave him at this current moment. The kids are safe and doing great and don't seem to notice this stuff yet (but yes I hate that this is our life and eventually they will start picking up on it)

What has been effective for y'all in boundary setting and how do you follow through?

We have a 1 year old. He woke up crying and needed a change to I went to do that. Q was sleeping in the couch and I knew he'd been drinking. I immediately smelled the oven and went to check. It was put to 300c (570f) which we never put it in. I remember he's supposed to bake a bread for his grandma who's bday we're going to tomorrow. I can't check what's in the oven, bc I have the baby in my arm.

I wake him up, with struggle of course, to ask about the oven, and of course he's completely confused. I give the baby to him and check the oven. Luckily it's empty. I turn it off and go to change baby and God help me, he starts taking the dough out of the fridge to prep it. I stop him and me and the baby goes back to bed. It's 2:30 am.

I remember only a week ago the battery of the fire alarm ran out and we haven't replaced it yet.

We could have died... He did bad shit but never shit like this. I'm so furious and I feel so betrayed. I know tomorrow he's gonna hate himself to the moon and back, which makes it harder for me to be angry with him. But fuck that I am livid. He does shit like this and doesn't take care to replace the fire alarm battery.

He's been getting better and better for years. I push him to therapy regularly, but it's really hard. His big weakness is binge drinking. He's gotten to a good level now, can actually come home around 22 and keep it to 3-4 beers. But if course, like any addict, he relapses...

I hope this event will give me power to push him to therapy. No questions asked.

After a bad night I usually tell myself, this is it, now I will put my foot down and tell him it's time for therapy. He promised me he would do it if I ever felt truly hopeless. But the next day when he tells me how regretful he is, I cave... Just writing this I'm realizing my own stupid pattern...

This is my first post here BTW. Been lurking for about a year. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my vent. ❤️

My wife (28) has finally admitted she's an addict after 5 years of being together. Her addiction got significantly worse in the last 12-15 months. I moved from my home country to be with her in the USA and that's when I saw how bad it got when we did 6 months of distance.

I gave up my career, family, etc to be with her and move to the USA.

There has been so much gaslighting, lying, mind games and manipulating that it is so hard for me to trust her. We are starting couples therapy next week and I do my own individual therapy.

I am struggling. The woman I married 4 years ago, is not the woman I am with today. Is there hope? She says she is sober, but I don't believe her, but I have to trust her?

I’m nervous to post and this is definitely a first. I am planning on attending the local al anon this coming week for the first time to hopefully start to find some clarity and comfort, but my brain has been spinning and I need to do some offloading.

My husband (M33) is a recovering addict and has been sober for 6 years from substances. His DOC was cocaine and meth. When I met him 4.5 years ago he was consuming alcohol but not in a worrisome way. He was very upfront and honest about his past drug use and even current cravings and is still to this day. However, because alcohol wasn’t his DOC and I believe he sees it as the lesser of two evils he doesn’t see it being the downfall.

Some back story. We started dating in 2020, both drank occasionally. Then I was very into fitness and was training for a competition so I stopped drinking from 2021- 2024. I would have the occasional cocktail with girlfriends but would not drink with my husband or if he was around once he decided to stop drinking. He stopped drinking in January of 2023 after we had gotten pregnant and his drinking was starting to get worrisome and I spoke up that this is not how I’m bringing a child into the world and will not stand for it. After a few horrible nights happened he decided to quit. He stayed sober up until August 31 of this year. He got angry with some stubborn drywall in our reno and left without telling me where he was going and picked up a 6 pack and drank 3. Too my knowledge he didn’t drink again for 6 weeks and found the other 3 I hid and drank them. Then he starting buying 2 here and there, and then today came home with a 24. He is only drinking 2-3 tall boys each time but it does scare me and I can’t shake the fear of when it turns into 8 or throwing up in the bathroom or passing out.

I have stated how him buying beers is scaring me and asking if he can help me understand why. He just told me to let him have his moment and to not worry. Well I did worry and lost my cool a little bit by saying the moment he made me a mother and responsible for another life, I will worry about those I love. Then he went on to saying I get crazy and overreact.

So I guess I’m just trying to suss out if it’s my hormones and anxiety of the what ifs or if I do have some grounds to be upset and set boundaries for alcohol in our house? I know harm reduction is a thing but I also know that when he was using or in the depths of drinking, there was no moderation.

Also how to speak to someone who doesn’t believe alcohol is to be worried about because it’s not their DOC but still has many addictive tendencies when it comes to other areas of their life ie. work, secrecy, cravings for coke, meth, pills?

Please be kind, we have a child and he is an amazing father. I’m just nervous with how this script goes and the unknown and where I’m helping or hurting the situation.

Hi! I am new to this group. My husband drinks everyday but only 3 bottles at maximum and when I confronted him that you will spiralling down again. I told him that he is becoming an alcoholic again and I dont want to experience the same emotional and mental pain I had before. But instead he told me that he is not an alcoholic, and that if I want him to smoke weed or drink alcohol cause he has sciatica and bulging disc which its getting worse everyday. The meds that our doctor prescribed are not working anymore. I told him that there are other ways to cope up with pain and problems but alcohol isnt the answer nor smoking weed.

He was sober for the last two years. He was so good as a husband and a father. But when we transferred to our new home where we are living closer to his friend who is an alcoholic, it changed everything. Whenever he is off from work, he goes to his friend house before going home to us. His reason is that he wants to destress. And that friend always calling him to go to his house and always ask him to drive around cause most of the time his friend cant drive since he is drunk or has alcohol in his system.

I am wondering whether I have the right to feel pain cause when I told him that to minimize going there or slow down your drinking but his defence is that he is going there to destress. Also I straight up told him that I dont like his friend and whenever he goes there, it scares me that he will spiral down. Unfortunately, he gets upset whenever I am upset at him going there and drinking instead of spending his time with us. I don’t know what else to make him realize that we are more important than alcohol and his friend. Or am I selfish of having those thoughts?

I left my Q but they just sent me a text saying they reported the car stolen. Trying to scare me. We are going through a divorce and i know the cops would not have allowed me to leave with one of the cars if he could report it stolen. I did get a court date and he must have received that information today. I just want my Q to leave me alone. I did not respond.

It may be a bit long but please read it.I need suggestions/help.I was suggested from r/alcoholism to come here.

So today I shouted at my dad.My dad has been an alcoholic my whole life and I had learn to cope with it.He would drink w hus friends in the usual place and come home usually with some shouting, threats and curses usually.

It all changed when we moved.He was still attached to his friends and that place. He would daily take a bus to that place and get drunk and come home.His usual curses increased and in this area as well ppl started to know about his alcoholic problem.He would always blame my mother for things and also he is not employed and we are not financially doing well so he asks mother for money daily to drink and for transportation. He says it's for some other purposes when asking though.

So, coming back to the topic , these past few days he would call me at nights to pick him up as mum stopped giving him money.I wouldn't go as this would turn out to be a bad habit for him.He would somehow return home but really mad and we are not even allowed to laugh or have fun near him when he is drunk.It was really pissing me off I was on the edge to shout at him or oppose him but he is my dad and I loved him so I could not muster the courage. Today however he peed his pants as he was entering the house. He always creates a scene when he js about to enter so all the neighbors are notified as well. And my poor mom who got to watch TV after prolly years was THREATENED by my mother to close the TV with the usual harsh insults. I couldn't see that so I shouted back at him and he raised his voice even higher. Then after a while he stopped and was like "my son shouted at me, for the first time, wow,thank you my son, its alright, are you rwally my son, will you now beat me?".I almost shed some tears and went to another room.Then we went to sleep and thought we were done for the day but after a while I could hear him start cursing at me.He although used to curse at my mom usually , used to love me alot but today he was cursing at me. He was saying stuff like" I'll bring my men and tie you up and put in a bag.now that you have turned 18 you will threaten me huh(ps:I didn't threaten him, I only shouted)., I'll throw you in the river you son of ...." and so on. It's 1am as I am writing this.I am not scared but heart breaking.

I had always held my tongue because of this reason only.I was scared that my only dad, i would loose him forever.I know violence will lead to no positive results. We can't move away from him as he always sticks with us.My mom can't divorce him yet as it may affect my visa interview.What do I do?

Hi all I've been posting the last month and a half. Well my q and I finally are on a break, I had to tell her this because the last time I tried to break up with her she attempted suicide. So I didn't want to risk her life over this - which I know is not really choosing myself but it was a better option.

It's been 28hours and she has rang and texted a few times can't understand why and in all this time she has 1. Not asked me how I am 2. Not asked what she can do to help and 3. Has really pulled out the victims and addict card multiple times.

Unfortunately I normally would bend and go back to the abuse but this I am firmly saying no. I don't know how long it will take to get all my ducks in order but I'm glad to have done it. Everything hurts and I'm having a good cry but it sucks that she can't and probably won't see the pain physically and mentally she has caused me and I hate that I am been made out to the bad guy.

Someone give me some inspirational quotes please

My Q is my partner. He’s relapsed to the point he’s drinking litre bottle of vodka a day. He lost his job. He’s lost his driving license from drink driving. He’s due in court in December but refusing to go. All he does is sit around the house drinking then eating then sleeping for hours. It’s this cycle all day long. He went to rehab last year for 6 months came out last December last year. He’s sworn to me that he will stop drinking however he’s not making the effort to even ring the doctors to get some withdrawal medication to help him. He seems to think he can do it without the help. But I’ve seen him literally have the shakes and sweating when he’s not had a drink in a few hours. He doesn’t want me to tell his family about him drinking again as he’s embarrassed and ashamed as he’s finally got a great relationship back with them all again. I really want to tell his family. I am constantly so stressed and worried about money and I just don’t know what to do next. If he finds out it’s me that’s told his family he’s drinking I’m worried what he would do. He can get really angry when he’s drunk. I’ve got a hole in the door where’s he’s punched it. There’s a hole in my living room wall from punching it. He constantly accuses me of cheating on him. Do I tell his family or do I leave him to deal with this in his own way??

Just here to vent - I'm active in al-anon but between sponsors so just...ugh

He's not physically cheating on me. That I know of. Yet. I should have ran when I could have.. when I found him messaging different people on Reddit, commenting on p*rn posts... he was in rehab and I confronted him.. he apologized and we worked through it as it was a time when he was heavy in use and we didn't live together. I moved past it.

A couple months ago before he heavily relapsed, dating apps/sites galore! Talking/texting/snapping multiple people. I confronted. It ended.

And here we are again! I knew he was being sneaky.. I found his tinder profile... and then my sister texts about some random snapchat... I confronted the tinder-it ended.. I confronted the snapchat he fully denied having anything to do with it (even though it's his alias when he plays Madden or the stupid emoji thing looked just like him)

I got on my laptop to go to my reddit - his is logged in and now im seeing messages from August-commenrs from 3 weeks ago... I want out so bad but can't afford it. I want it to be done. It only happens when he's using but I don't even know if I believe that anymore..not that it would ever make it okay.

I just wanna move out and move on with my life.. maybe find a person who finds value in me. Because I don't think he does anymore.

Hi y’all, it’s been a moment since I’ve been here. Things with mom’s recovery were going better and even her lab work was better from the lesser drinking. And now I’m visiting her again. And the instant smell of dirty dishes almost made me cry. And all the magazines and newspapers everywhere. Annnnd her drunken tone while she welcomed me back. I could tell that things were back to shit again. Again. AGAIN. I feel sick. And now she’s complaining about work, how she’s certain she will lose her job (recap; she got a warning at work for ”possibly being hungover” at work)…. And now I’m scared she WILL lose her job since she hasn’t STOPPED. SHE JUST WON’T STOP. To top it all of; my half sister told me also my DAD is severely alcoholic. We don’t get along but I just can’t understand how this problem just HAS to follow me on all fronts. I just don’t know how to deal.

How can I stop myself from getting disappointed? I know; The 3 C’s. I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it.

I just feel so hopeless yet again. And; sorry for venting about this again. Totally going to a meeting next week. I need it badly.

I just posted something else, but needed to vent to. Sorry.

I've (28,F) alwayed knew my father with a beer in is hand, but did not experience the destruction years later, right when I turned 19 or 20. It's been a rollercoaster since. I've moved out a couple of years ago, but still visit my parents regularly. I feel sad for my mother, cooing with his behaviour everyday.

This week was one of the lows. He got fired on monday because of some drunk things he said to his management in a groupschat of his work. I tired to help as much as possible building a new CV and everything else.

Yesterday en today were terrible. Yesterday I tried to have conversation with him about how his drinking is affecting a lot right now, but this unfortunately ended in a big fight. I have to admit, I have said harsh words. Sometimes because of the truth en sometimes because of emtions. Is it weird I feel guilty sometimes? But at the same time, I'm putting up my boundries

This morning I got called by my mom to rush over to their house because he said he wanted to kill himself. Went with my BF and found him at 09:30 with 1/3 of a whiskey bottle already emty. He ended up saying he did not wanted to kill himself and they were just words. Afterwards he was screaming at me for my behaviour towards him the other night. After a while of taking al those words in I just left. It made me feel so guilty for being honest with him. In his eyes I'm the bad guy right now. I don't know what to do.

Hi guys,

I (28, F)ust wanted to share my something I wrote while coping with the alcoholism of my father. It may not be perfectly written because English isn't my native language.

I haven't showed it too anyone close to me (yet) because I'm kinda anxious and don't feel they will understand. Feels more comfortable sharing it here and other pages.Thanks ❤️

• The Alcohol Society -

I saw the first signs when I was six,- or seventeen. You drifting away in your traumas, sorrow and everything. Drinking everything away, hope it will numb the pain.

Too many beers every afternoon, sometimes red wine shattered all over the room. The alcohol slowly took you over, rushing over like a tycoon. When it hits you, you hit us. Mostly with your words. You have no respect towards all of us, which hurt so much.

I don't recognise you when the alcohol takes you over. You're not the man I knew, the man who took control when I was younger.

I see you drifting and drifting away and have pain in my eyes. Will I ever see the real you again, or will I lose you to the alcohol that society glady provides?

Conquering the Spiritual Disease of Fear

The first time I had heard of Al-Anon was when I met my mother-in-law. She babbled on about how great a program it was and how it saved her life. Considering my background, it was absolutely mind boggling that I had no idea that alcohol could be such a problem in people’s lives that they had a program for it.

My mom was just 18 years old when I was born. At 16, she married a man with an inclination to smoke pot, drink, and try to flush her head down the toilet. They were divorced by the time I was one year old. When she began to raise her two children alone, she had a bad accent and the equivalent of a high school education.

She soon fell in love with the man who became her second husband. He drank, smoked, snorted cocaine, and sold drugs. My stepfather would have liked it better if I hadn’t been around. I can remember several occasions when they took me to parties where-instead of a potluck table-there would be all sorts of colored pills, bottles of liquor, cocaine on mirrors, and clouds of pot smoke wafting from room to room. I was the lucky one who held my mother’s hair back while she vomited her guts out in the bathroom.

As I got older, I swore I would never put myself in that position-wasted and out of control. My first boyfriend was an alcoholic drug addict. My second was, too. My third was 24 years older than I am. And then I met my husband. He actually had the good sense to tell me he was an addict. I didn’t listen. I had never known anything else.

I entered the Al-Anon program at the advice of a therapist about four years into our marriage. I thought I was going to learn about my husband’s behavior and how to handle it. I worked through the Steps with a Sponsor, but I really didn’t understand that my life was unmanageable because of my disease. I just thought I attracted “jerks.”

When I moved two years later, I worked the Steps again with another Sponsor. This time I learned that I could be controlling. But my husband was using again, and didn’t that make him the biggest jerk of all?

It wasn’t until December of last year that I hit bottom. I was severely depressed. I thought killing myself was the answer. I truly thought that my three sons would be better off without me, that I was teaching the younger ones bad habits, and that I was making the older one miserable. My husband, then sober, asked me to postpone killing myself until I had worked the Steps with a particular Sponsor. I agreed, and my life changed.

What I learned was that I have a disease that is just as detrimental to my health and well-being as alcoholism or drug addiction. I suffer from the spiritual disease of fear. When my disease is in control of my life, I am spiritually sick; and my behavior is bad. I am resentful and feel like I’m a victim.

On the other hand, my attitude brings serenity into my life when I focus on spiritual principles: acceptance, open-mindedness, honesty, love, forgiveness, harmony, faith, hope, light, and joy.

I oscillate between living in fear and living in the solution. Today I am quicker to become aware of my diseased thinking and gently place myself back into the hands of God.

Today I am able to admit it when I am at fault and make amends for my behavior. I am able to pray for God’s will for me and the power to carry that out. I am able to pass on what I have learned to someone else who is living in fear.

My father, ex-stepfather, mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and husband are all alcoholics. What I have learned from Al-Anon is that any problem I have with them is the result of my diseased thinking, not their behavior. I can now clearly see the separation between me, my disease, and the rest of the world. I owe my life to Al-Anon and all the members who help to keep me free from the spiritual disease of fear.

By P.A.M., Wyoming  June, 2009Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.