Questions or Concerns?

My Q is ready for rehab. Where do we start?

My family member drank hard liquor with his wife and adult son for many years, and he just lost his wife to liver failure last month. I missed a lot of work as I was at the hospital often over the past month.

I NEED to get back to normal with healthy eating, exercise, regular work schedule, etc. My family member is now telling me his adult son won't pay any household bills and they are in a financial crisis. The two of them are STILL continuing to put away large quantities of liquor nightly. The father is now trying to get me to come and "pick up" his son who does not have a license due to DUI. (I was never close with the son but was just getting to know him a bit at the hospital.) I think he wants him to stay with me for a while (probably wouldn't take him back.)

I said no that I need time to myself.

To all of you: My mental health will not tolerate it.

Weirdly, I sensed some drama was incoming. I need suggestions on how to back off nicely (or not nicely.) I can suggest AA, etc ..but they have to want to stop. I maybe made a mistake reaching out often to ask how they were doing. I'm thinking I should not do that anymore as I'm not wanting to be manipulated.

Ideas?

FML FOR FUCKING REAL.

My husband last summer had to go to a facility and get help with his drinking and drug issues- mostly focusing on his mental health. For the most part he’s been better with his drinking , and laid off the drugs since last year.

We got a letter this past weekend letting us know we are being audited because he messed up on our returns for 2022. As I’m trying to understand how he made such a big F up( because it is according to this letter he just didn’t file my income, which is just WHY ?!) I timed it out to be when he was really starting to get into the height of his addictions.

Its been ALMOST a year of him not doing anything to hasty drug wise or alcohol wise and this shit is still coming to bite us in the ass.

I’m also now having to talk with my family lawyer again due to my daughters dad (my alcoholic ex, not current husband ) after finding out some interesting info that led to a whole cluster of info being thrown at me.

I have to try and figure out a way to explain to my daughter (9) that apparently her dad who she says maybe every other month and talks to every month is getting married/has been dating his pretty much step sister that she’s been calling aunt her whole life.

also potentially need to figure out a what I can do to protect myself legally (kind of hoping that what I had in place the last go around with family court will protect me, but just in case) because as I was taking to the family member who updated me on his upcoming marriage and speculating on how one would decide to marry their step sibling they’ve known since childhood and landing on drugs . To find out the aunt had admitted to using drugs, and potentially still IS using drugs. Which of course has me thinking about the safety of my daughter.

I was literally just thinking to myself and was about to start applying to colleges again to get a bachelor in software development because things seemed somewhat stable where I could handle things. Well now they are not, and until I can mark at least one thing off my list I cannot add another because * my chronic mf illness* does not do well with stress.

End rant . I usually try to keep this shit tidy as hell and formatted all nice but I just needed a good vent.

Hello everyone. I’ve never done anything like this but I’m hoping I can get something out of this. About 6 months ago I met the love of my life who happens to be a drinker. I don’t believe he has a problem(he drinks 2-3 times a week only socially and barely to the point of getting buzzed) (maybe gets drunk twice a month) and over the past couple months it has really started to affect me. My parents were alcoholics most of my childhood. I thought I had worked through the pain as I have been very mentally stable the past 3-4 years since I moved out and got on the proper meds. But lately the pain has come back in the form of my boyfriend. When he goes out with his friends I just sit there and worry the whole time. When he goes to dinner with someone who he hasn’t seen in awhile I worry. I worry anytime he’s in any social situation. He’s never given me a reason to not trust him and when he says he’s good to drive home I have no reason not to believe him. I have been constantly breaking down over his drinking (even when he just wants a beer with dinner one time) and our relationship is hurting because of my insecurities. I worry so much about it that it’s affecting my work performance and sleep. Overall he’s very supportive and we talk openly about it, but it’s clear he’s gonna stay a drinker due to how much he enjoys it. He says he does it mostly for the taste and can be done after 1-2 beers. He means the world to me and is worth much more than my past trauma resurfacing. I think I may go to a AL ANON meeting Thursday when my boyfriend goes to trivia night with his friends (a very stressful thing for me)

My ex was kind of self aware but didn’t think he needed to quit drinking.

He told me on multiple occasions “the only person that matters when I’m drunk is me” or “When I drink I don’t give a **** about anything other than myself.” and stuff like that. When he was drunk he did a lot of awful things like cheating and threatening me, things that seem really narcissistic. He also turned grandiose like a narcissist and acted invincible, but didn’t show this so much when sober.

I don’t really understand addiction. Can alcohol really turn someone into a different person? Or make them do/say things they wouldn’t when sober?

So my husband has been someone that drinks every evening for as long as I've known him. I started noticing more serious signs of alcohol abuse several years ago (and am thankful for this group). He has managed to keep it to just two drinks most nights since then, which isn't healthy, but seems to keep him from a complete downward spiral and now we get to my question.

I think if he drinks any more than 2 drinks that his personality changes and he becomes the annoying drunk I hate. Maybe it's more than 1.5 drinks. That's not really logical because he can't possibly be "drunk" after two drinks over a span of an hour.

Does this mean his liver is shot so things happen sooner? Or his brain? Or am I imagining it?

I've been reading about pickle brain and was just hoping for something more researched that I could point to and try to reason with him to set a different goal than 2 drinks/day because it more often becomes 3 and I find him intolerable. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

My partner is an alcoholic and drug user. We have two young children together. A month ago I took the kids to my mom’s because he continuously left bottles and cans around the living room. He got drunk every night and passed out on the couch. We agreed if it continued I would take the kids and go, but now that it’s actually happened he “can’t believe I’d leave him at his lowest and take his family away.” It’s been a month of manipulation, verbal abuse and begging for me to come home. He says if I just come home he will never drink again and go to 90 meetings In 90 days. He’s made these promises before and never followed through. I’m very torn on what to do. I know he needs to get sober for himself first and that’s not what he’s saying. Should I give it another chance and believe him? If he doesn’t follow through this would be the last chance. I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My brother died in October from his alcoholism. He wasn’t found for some days, there is a lot of traumatic stuff that I have experienced with him being found. I have been extremely close to him our entire lives and even more involved since he was in liver failure for the last 5 years. I was his agent for healthcare, and I also managed his finances. We have lived a mile away from each other for the last 9 years. Now that he has died, his struggles are over, but those of us left behind are heartbroken and fucked up. Guilt (about things of his whole life and also about creating boundaries and not contacting him and that’s why he was decomposed and we couldn’t even view him), guilt for my parents because they still kept thinking we could do things to stop him from drinking, etc. Is Al-Anon appropriate for me???

This might fall under "support" but right now I'm just looking more for support form the choir, if I'm not alone in this experience:

I agreed to give it another go with my partner after an alcohol-related hospital scare almost two months ago. And then again after I discovered evidence of drinking maybe 2 weeks ago. He swears he's been "good," sober, etc. but I keep thinking I smell beer on his breath (or is it food, soda?) and that his mood is changing too drastically and that he's sleeping too much. I can't tell if I am paranoid or not and don't want to keep obsessing, looking for evidence, doing breath sniffs, mentally planning what I will need to take and where I can go if he starts again. I said I would try to keep our family together and things have been pretty good and if he stays sober, things could be great, right? If I leave, I lose half my life -- and there may be nothing to leave over at all at this point, except my (entirely valid, imho) distrust.

I try to do something nice for myself once a week while my Q is still in rehab. Last night I went to the movies and as soon as I left I got into a car accident (no one was hurt, thankfully). Always seems like when I’m feeling great for a few weeks, another bad thing happens but I know that it is just life. I’m trying to get away from my old way of thinking: that the universe is punishing me for some reason. I used to think I deserved it when my Q was treating me horribly when he was drunk. I don’t know why I keep falling into the habit of thinking that I deserve to have bad things happen to me. I’m trying to remember the Serenity prayer everyday and use my positive coping mechanisms but damn it’s hard. I know I deserve to be happy and healthy, the universe isn’t punishing me, and I have several things to be grateful for. I just wish I could feel happier than this but right now I just feel numb. All I want to do is lay in bed but I forced myself to eat, workout and start laundry. Just trying to take it one day at a time. I went to Al Anon this morning and spoke with a potential sponsor it helped me quite a bit. I didn’t realize how bad I needed to cry and just feel my feelings. Also looking for a new job and housing throughout all of this and it’s been very stressful.

My Q is 6 months sober now and did a program at a rehab . He goes to meetings everyday and his life is still complete and utter chaos , he slept through alarms for his new second job so now they told him don’t even bother coming , he isn’t following through with getting any of the documentation we need for court and parenting , he’s completely broke and doesn’t know how he’s going to pay his bills and the list goes on and on . I still feel like I’m dealing with an adult child most of the time , I thought rehab and sobriety would help but it hasn’t , he’s still just as dysfunctional and irresponsible but sober this time . I’ve been going to alanon meetings and one of the things that this reminds me of is not having any high expectations of the addict but when you have a child with that person it is so fricken hard , I’ve been doing everything on my own for months now while still not getting a dime of child support from him since he was in treatment for so long and he can’t even get up on time for a first day of a new job . I know his issues are not my issues but I’m seriously considering just going completely no contact with him , I wanted us to still have a good relationship for the sake of our kid but I feel like ripping my hair out .

My children’s father is an addict, and I’m starting to see that I may be codependent. I don’t want to fuck my children up anymore than having an addict as a parent will. I think I try to micromanage my eldest too much but it’s hard to recognise it as I’m doing it. Does AlAnon and working the 12 steps help with co dependency and/or would it help me to be a better parent?

Sincerely looking for help to not cause anymore trauma to my children.

I like to share this song with this community at this time of year.

So much wine - Phoebe Bridgers https://youtu.be/4SBhPYhI-XA?si=fBSZAxeKQOSQIJQm

I first heard it shortly after my relationship with my alcoholic ex ended 3 years ago.

I am now long moved on, but I still listen to this song every year because it is beautiful, and even though it so vividly reminds me of the place I was in while in that relationship, it also reminds me of many lessons learned. No matter how far you get from it, this experience changes you.

I hope it provides solace for anyone here. 💞

My husband claimed to be clean this past weekend after his probably 10th relapse in the past few months.

He lied all weekend, which I knew he was but today when I confronted him he admitted he used because he wanted to delay his withdrawals ao he wouldn't be distracted while doing his finals for school today.

Im upset bc I told him if he used again he could go somewhere else. He claims his reasoning is valid and reasonable, I am the one being unreasonable because anyone could see he needed to be able to use to make sure he didnt flunk school.

Things he said that pissed me off:

It was the right thing to do and its reasonable, anyone can see that and agree with me

Its fucked up you wanted me to suffer through my finals because you wanted me to stick with your timeline for my sobriety

Now you're kicking me out I have no reason to get clean, it's going to he too hard now that I can't do it at home

It wasn't a big deal, it doesn't effect much of anything.

Goodbye. (via text after walking out the door)

I'm worried he will harm himself... he's made the threats before... but I'm more worried about falling into his manipulation tactics anymore... but im also worried about not falling into them bc what if he gets more unstable...

Idk what to do. I'm trying to stand by my boundary. A part of me definitely can understand wanting to protect his schooling. But ifbhe wanted to protect it he wouldn't have relapsed last week right before finals anyway.

This is what always happens. He relapses and excuse after excuse drags it out. Eventually hes using for weeks and then has nasty withdrawals, I can't do it again I am so sicknof going through these withdrawals every few weeks.

Edit to add: he took the rent money from the top of the fridge when he left. I text him and told him that was low, we have 4 kids, pretty sick he'd take their roof out of spite. He claims he didnt take it to spend it so I said well you took it out of malice and thats all that matters.

My dad died several years ago but I always remember him during the holiday season. His death gave me a lot of peace, but I still have questions about the motive behind his actions. Why would a father take so much pleasure in talking poorly about his son to other people and wanting his son to fail? Even when I made the decision to abandon my parents as a young adult, one of the last things my dad ever said to me was that he didn’t think I would be successful which really hurt.

Why would a parent try to lower their child’s self-esteem, root for them to fail, and enjoy gossiping about their kid’s failures?

Husband Q is back after 60 days away (1 m in patient, 1 PHP but stayed at an airbnb) . I didnt expect much, and a few days in, it isn't much. He is not drinking or taking drugs as far as I know, he has always been open about his drinking/drugs, but he is the same person - not really motivated, lazy, sloppy. Time to practice what I preach in terms of detaching and not enabling. So, we don't have much to talk about.

I don't know if he is working a program, dont know if i want to ask or not since it is on him to do so. It just feels broken. and neither of us is fixing, we are just existing. Before he left, just existing became impossible, so maybe we are a tiny step in the right direction. I told him I am totally supportive of him. I dont think he is getting any other support or looking for other support from family/friends and I wonder what the place was he was at. and what he was even doing that entire time except being sober - was he taking any steps. He didnt have a caseworker or sponsor. I know I cant and wont do anything for his program since it is his to do or not. He left me and the kids (3.5, 10m) for 60 days with no video calls or anything. A few phone calls with our daughter. I sent some pics here and there. He was definitely excited to see us. And then slept most of the weekend and scrolled his phone. I just know a fight is coming, when I have held myself and kids together while working FT. I refuse to walk on eggshells ever again, scared of his reaction. It is just hard now with him back. Kinda just wanted to get thoughts out and I know has to be about me too. Thanks.

I’m at rock bottom. I have no job, no car, and no home to call my own. I got myself here and idk how to look up or forward. I’ve never been at rock bottom before I’m young enough to recoup but old enough to know better. I’ve got some money saved up .. idk if I want to runaway to a different country or stay near fam and friends who want to support me get better. I’ll do the meetings (I’ve already started my research) therapy will be on hold until I get health insurance. But I’ll definitely get into that I want and I especially need it. I’ve started over many times in my life but I never started completely over from scratch. I work in healthcare so the thought of pretending to be happy around patients and coworkers sounds DAUNTING.. my friends are constantly sending me alerts that I need to eat. Which I’ve given up on . Coming from someone that LOVES food. I just don’t see the brighter days.. while I won’t do it, my brain is occupied with thoughts of how and when to off myself. Like yea I’m bleak

I’m really struggling today.

My Q and I are splitting up and I’m the one initiating the separation. I gave them an ultimatum that they stop drinking to work on our marriage and they decided they would rather leave instead of getting better.

I know it’s for the best, I even told them we will both be happier this way, because they can live how they want to live and I can go on with my life…but I can’t help but feel so much pain and hurt that I’m not good enough for them to want to change for. They continue to think they don’t have a problem though, and I do understand that they would need to make the decision to quit drinking on their own. If I try and force them it will only lead to resentment towards me and our marriage. It just really sucks not feeling like I’m worth quitting alcohol for. I guess that’s just the nature of this disease.

I just really needed to vent. This community has helped me so much to just not feel alone, and also helps me to stick to my guns as well because I’ve known for a long time I couldn’t put up with this and it really takes so long to get up the confidence to leave. Staying is easier, it’s the letting go that’s harder. That’s what I’m struggling with today. Feel free to share any similar situations if anyone’s going through it too today, hearing everyone else going through the same stuff really helps.

Thanks for reading.

I have detached from my Q moved out recognized the abuse both towards me and alcohol abuse. I am filing, going for full custody and seeing a therapist. Communication with him has stayed open because mainly I worry and also we have a son together. He keeps saying if I don’t come home essentially he doesn’t want to live. Is it common for Qs to use this as manipulation because that is what I believe it to be

i guess this is just a rant into the void, but i am so frustrated with my mother and i feel like im going mad.

my mother has been a "recovering" alcoholic for the past 7 years now. every few years she'll claim to have stopped and then just.. pick it up again! and it gets so infuriating!

I'm only 19, my mom has been an alcoholic longer than ive been alive. she used to beat me black and blue while drunk and then tell me she "doesn't remember" the next day and that that "isnt really her" (as if that makes it better..)

im an autistic and physically disabled guy but i just wanna get out of this house so bad

around 4 years ago she swore to me (again) that she'd stop drinking and smoking. the smoking mainly for herself, but the drinking was really for me. and yknow what? she was doing GOOD! she actually did quit for what felt like the longest time and whilst our relationship was never "fixed".. it at least got a little better ever since.

a year (or so) ago i noticed that she started smoking again. my boyfriend caught her on the balcony and was so angry for me. i already knew by then that she was smoking again, but at least she was doing it outside so i really didnt give a shit anymore.

and now i keep smelling it. that stupid fucking stench. that disgusting smell. shes drinking again. she's coming home completely sloshed and basically won't be able to function. she gets super abusive, loud, and hurtful when drunk. she thinks she's so slick about it too.

i found bottles in her room, she started hiding them under her fucking PILLOWS for fuck sake. it makes me so MAD. she KNOWS what she does is wrong, she KNOWS how she hurts me. and yet that bottle will always mean more to her than i ever will. it's like shes CHOOSING to drink. i understand its an addiction, and i genuinely tried being so patient and caring even when she would literally PHYSICALLY hurt me AS A TODDLER. but im so done. she was sober, she was better. and yet she chose to start again. i feel so resentful towards her. literally just now she came back home (it's 9 PM) and she reeks of it, and has TWO whole liter bottles of it in the stupid grocery bag. we arent that fortunate, we often struggle and i only eat once a day, and yet she always complains about being out of money. i can't do this anymore. she makes me want to die. she hurts me and even now that im older she'll never get better.

i tried helping her, i begged her, i screamed at her, i pleaded with her, i begged and begged her to get help but she doesn't want it. she wants the bottle.

i feel like im going insane. im just so sad, so confused. i just want the mom i never had. sometimes i wish she just never had me. why have a child in these conditions? i just dont get it.

i don't know what to do. i feel so alone.

Hi everyone

My mother is a solid alcoholic and apparently for the past two months my mother’s condition had spiralled out of control. We live in different cities quite a few hours away so a lot of the rough drinking and other behaviours were hidden from us as a family.

Anyway, things took ‘n turn for the worst the past few days. Her new boyfriend (dodgy fucker of note which we also as a family did not know of) brought her to hospital. Internal bleeding and cirrhosis. She has been put in a sleep coma since then to keep her stable.

My sister and I have been doing damage control ever since. We must pay employees with money we don’t have, we must sort out her tax which had been neglected for years, we must also pick up the pieces of this piece of shit boyfriend that encouraged her to drink. She has also been incredibly reckless and negligent with her money and the money she inherited from our dad. Despite numerous pleadings and hours of us begging her to get help, she did not comply and continued with her habits. My sister and my mother do not have a good relationship, however I have always tried to preserve peace with my mother and be a good kid despite my flaws.

Does anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with this? Or what I should do? On the one hand my heart breaks for her and I do not wish her current situation on my worst enemy, but on the other hand I cannot help but to feel apathetic, as my pleadings fell on deaf ears and instead of listening to us when we told her over and over she needs help, she ignored it, slept around, wasted money and her neglected her health that is now costing her.

Thank you.

My boyfriend had been sober for about 400 days, with dui charges and and ankle monitor that I believe made it easier to get through the first year of sobriety with him, but we have only been dating 4 months, so I don’t have much of clue how that felt and looked like for him. Recently there have been some changes He is an amazing man and all I want to be able to do is support him to the best of my ability

A month ago he got the monitor removed, and has asked me if we could drink together many many nights since then, which I already noted as a concern.. but talked with my friends and came to the conclusion moderation can be a healthy way to fix bad habits…but is that how sobriety really works? Is cold turkey the only way?

And I’ve said yes 3 times, once at party with his old friends, which went very well, and twice at home. All of which went well nothing bad happened he didn’t go overboard in any way, so I thought.

He recently admitted to sneaking my fathers alcohol from the garage, which I know lying about those things is a very natural reaction, but I know it means he’s taking steps backwards, and the fact that he cannot be fully honest with me hurt.

How do I make him feel my trust and support, so he can be open and honest about what he wants sobriety to look like for him and what it should look like for him.

I would also love any advice on what his sobriety should look like or any recourses that would be helpful for me as a partner. I want to be able to help him, but I don’t know what the right way is, and I’m not sure if I have just been enabling him, or if finding balance is a healthy way to move forward at such a young age. Please any advice would be appreciated, I will gladly answer follow up questions

TL:DR from a partners perspective with no experience, what is sobriety supposed to look like and how can I best support my partner in it.

I’ve been dating Q for about 6 months. He’s 34, I’m 29, and I really felt like I found my best friend/the person I could spend my life with. He had been sober for a year when we started dating. He wasn’t using a program. Just Antibuse. He relapsed after we were three months in. Begged me not to leave him. I was hesitant and held off for a bit. Laid down ground rules. He went to AA, for a bit but not long. He’s got children and a very busy schedule, but I still know he could’ve made it work if he tried. Had a sponsor checking in with him.

Then about two months later he called me and told me he bought some alcohol and was drinking it. I told him he should stop, and I went to his place after I got off work. He hadn’t been taking his meds for a few days but he was still starting to have a reaction. I stayed with him through the night after he poured out the alcohol and had severe anxiety/a rash.

Yesterday, after I get back from a stressful family Thanksgiving, he tells me he drank the night before. That he has a bottle of vodka in his car because he figured I’m going to leave him. I didn’t get mad. I can’t say I was surprised. But boy it hurts. He asked me to not leave him. Cried into my shoulder. Told me he’d give me his location (wtf)? And I essentially said this is over now.

I guess I should go to an al anon meeting. I really felt like I had met the love of my life. But after that first time, it always felt like I was waiting on something bad to happen, because it was so easy and good otherwise. I know I’ve done the right thing, I just need encouragement. He was never mean while drunk. Just seemed to feel really guilty and shameful. Part of me feels, maybe one day our paths will cross again after he’s gotten serious about his sobriety and had years under his belt. But I don’t think I have time for that. Just looking for an internet hug I guess. Have grown up around alcoholics who never stopped. “Functioning” if you will. I know this is not the life I want. I wanted everything else that came with him though.

When did you all feel like you turned a point in your journey? How long did it take?

I (35, M) left my meth-addicted husband (50s, M) of eight years ten months ago. I still feel wracked with guilt once in a while. We had a wonderful life but his mental health spiraled and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Since then life has just been kicking my ass nonstop. I have a degree and a lot of jack-of-all-trades experience, but I still haven’t been able to secure a full-time job. I’m donating plasma and sperm and escorting once in a while to make ends meet, and I’m staying at one of my ex’s properties with the hopes that he will continue to let me live here as long as possible (the deadline to move out just keeps getting extended because I haven’t found a job yet). I thought I would feel better at this point, but I just feel like I’m stuck in purgatory. He says he’s been sober now for almost a year but can I believe him?

I’ve also been going to AlAnon meetings on and off and therapy once a week but I just don’t feel like it’s working. What am I doing wrong?

It's been a year being separated from my Q, about 3 months since I actually ended things. Why do I still worry? Why do I still miss him? Why can't I look back at all the awful things he put me through and be proud of myself for moving on? I'm so tired of obsessing over this situation I have no control over. It's almost like I know something is bound to happen and I'm still waiting on the other shoe to drop! I wish there was a switch I could just turn off and forget about it all.

My BF(44M) and I (44F) have been together for a little over a year and I didn’t realize he had a problem until we moved in together. We were only able to see each other 2 weekends a month and he’d usually drink on Friday night but was sober the rest of the weekend. However, I realized pretty quickly he was an alcoholic and currently, he’s been sober for 23 days.

What I have noticed is that he will rarely initiate any type of affection and has basically stopped the sweet things he used to text/tell me. If I initiate a kiss/hug, he’ll give one. But usually only if I initiate it. What’s weird is that many times when he’d be sober, he would still be affectionate. This change has only happened since he’s been taking his sobriety seriously.

When I’ve talked to him about it, he said it’s not me at all, that he’s trying to figure out who he is sober, and that he’s going through a lot. Which is 100% understandable.

I guess I just didn’t realize that it would change how he’d show me he cares about me. Of course, I’ll be patient and work through it with him but I feel so unloved right now.

I started talking to my Q (daughter) after no contact for seven months. "I'm not drinking mom so I can get on the transplant list". Found out yesterday that's just another lie. I'm so heartbroken again. She's living with my sister and BIL (both alcoholics) in squalor. The whole situation is painful and I'm stuck thinking about her dying alone amongst my so called families filth and hatred. Hurting

He Lied to Me, I Lied to Myself

I had been living a lie for so long. I regularly told myself that my boyfriend’s behavior was normal. I made excused for him and wore rose colored glasses every day of my life.

In fact, I told myself several lies. It was normal for us to fight every single day. It was normal for him to leave town on drinking binges. It was normal for him to judge me and snap every time I did something not to his liking. He played mind games and frequently lied to me.

I was the nurturer-a learned behavior, I realized. My mother was an alcoholic. My boyfriend’s behavior was irrational-just like hers. My friends and family told me he was a troubled individual. They all saw the warning signs. I noticed he behaved strangely but never wanted to admit it. He just needed someone to fix him. I thought I could fix all his pain, if I just did everything right.

Our relationship was a disaster. He was never there for me emotionally. Instead, he broke me down and destroyed my spirit. I became as messed up as he was. Still, I thought of creative ways to salvage our broken relationship. I hoped the games would eventually stop and one day he would wake up and be different.

I adopted a “love never fails” philosophy and began to regularly tolerate unacceptable behavior. I sought help and everyone would say, “Just leave him,” but I didn’t know how. He was manipulative and did a great job of concealing it. I also knew that if things were going to change, I needed help.

My friend recommended an Al-Anon meeting. I read the literature. Step One said, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.” I realized for the first time in my entire life that I couldn’t control or change a person no matter how hard I tried.

Al-Anon was the beginning of my spiritual awakening and the meetings taught me that living with an alcoholic is too stressful to do alone. I also learned that I had to “Let Go and Let God” but not so much that I lost myself in the process.

I learned to set limits and learned to love without trying to control. Al-Anon is the meeting I look forward to because it is the beginning of a life change. It is where I take the first step of learning to self-nurture and truly begin to heal.

By Anna D.  March, 2010Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

Welcome ,what are you doing For your recovery from their disease? Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings? By posting here YOU are being affected At Al-Anon meetings I learned the 3 C's: I didn't CAUSE alcoholism, I can't CONTROL it & I can't CURE it. I also learned that I am allowed to set boundaries. Also that his recovery depends on him NOT you. Also that alcoholism is a progressive disease Also covering up, lying & hiding the drinking is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. Here is a famous AA saying : one drink is too many & a thousand are not enough.

Here is a link to our detachment leaflet: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/alcoholic

A few suggestions for recovery from this family disease of alcoholism Go to the now mostly virtual meetings when possible Read the literature & get a sponsor to work the steps in Al-Anon.

Remember you are not alone Focus on yourself not on the alcoholic DENIAL = Don't Even kNow that I Am Lying.

Here is a link to some word-wide local virtual & in person Al-Anon meetings almost 24/7.. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784

Check out this link to attend via email, zoom, and/or phone meetings.https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/Some local meetings (both virtual and in-person) by country, state or province. You can also Google: al anon + [your city or state] https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/ Here's the app link from the website:https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/

cGood luck to you.

Parents of Alcoholic Children Share Their Strength and Hope

In the December 2009 issue of The Forum, Lorraine G. of Virginia asked how to best help parents of alcoholics. Here are some of the responses we received.
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Linda D.: We knew it would be unhealthy for all of us if we continued to rescue our son from the consequences of his actions. The tool of detachment was instrumental in maintaining our sanity and serenity during that time.

After struggling for three years with our son’s behavior, we finally found the courage to ask him to leave our home.

We did not know where he would go, but we knew it was the healthiest choice we could make for him, as well as for our family. He went to live with a friend; we felt relieved that he was not out on the streets.

During that time we set up strict boundaries about when he could visit us and what help we would give e him, but we tried to always let him know that we loved him and supported his efforts to help himself.

Eventually our son asked for our help to finish high school which helped him get a job. By the grace of God, he has been clean and employed for six years. I know that the story would have had a very different ending if not for the principles of detachment, love, and sponsorship.

Donna R., in OH: Sometimes I wonder how I survived my son’s and daughter’s addictions to both drugs and alcohol, which I believe were even more painful than dealing with my husband’s alcoholism. Al-Anon is the only answer.

Watching your children suffer is an enormous strain. If I hadn’t stayed close to meetings, literature, and my recovery family, the stress of it all would have made me physically ill.

I can tell you that their drinking stopped when they were ready, not one minute sooner, nor as the result of anything in particular that I said or did.

As adults, my kids’ lives have not included much smooth sailing. Sobriety has not stopped their struggles nor guaranteed their successes. They have been homeless, unemployed, in prison, in jail, married, divorced, and had numerous problems with ex-everything and everybody. I have had to pray more than I ever thought I could. My prayers have been on my knees, shouted to my Higher Power through rage and tears.

I suppose my prayers were the ways I found to release me from terror that I was their solution as I carried the guilt and shame of their birth into the family disease. Both were born into active alcoholism. When I prayed, “God Bless…” and filled in their name, I had a change in my awareness that I was not alone in my pain, nor were they alone in theirs.

Once, my daughter was a runaway. One night I repeated my prayer until she called home, and she called while I was praying “God bless….,” filling in her name. Al-Anon was the only reason I learned that admitting I was powerless might mean God was not. Nothing but prayers and letting go to let God saved my life and my sanity.

Today, they are both sober-not perfect, but they have a chance to have a life they want to live and so do I.

Ellen M., in CA: My son has been in and out of the A.A. program for ten years. His alcoholism was more difficult for me than my husband’s because it’s harder to let go of a child that I carried for nine months and then tried to raise to the best of my ability. Though I love them both deeply, I think that the physical connection with my son makes it different from the connection I have to my husband.

In meeting, I often speak about that difference. When we have newcomers who have a child with the disease, I think it’s important to let them know they are not alone. I tell them to call me between meetings because I truly understand the pain and the difficulty of letting go of a child.

I believe the best gift I gave my son was to expose him to the program. He grew up around the programs but this disease does not care about that. He has to choose to want it and use it.

Through our son’s slips, I picture him in the arms of my Higher Power, as I see that power, and I say over and over, “Let Go and Let God.” That, along with other Al-Anon tools, helps me deal with a child who has this awful disease.

March, 2010Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.