She was almost at 90 days in her sober place and relapsed blocked me on everything and I feel so broken.

My Q is my boyfriend who I have been with for about 8 years. He is now sober (I am 90% sure anyways), and has been for the past 4 months. It felt like a literal miracle to get to this point. However, now I am exhausted. After a decade of seemingly more casual use and 3 years of absolute hell, I need to get something back from him for our relationship to survive. I’ve given everything I have.

All I have asked for is for him to please be kind to me, be considerate, be honest, and to just generally treat me like his girlfriend because he has been very neglectful over the last few years. Instead, he has been extremely volatile and mean for the last few months. Examples of this include him freaking out (yelling and screaming, occasionally punching our furniture, ignoring me for hours, leaving our home and refusing to communicate) over: not being able to find the tv remote, I told him he left his headlights for his car on in a way he said was “bitchy”, me turning a light on in our bedroom when he didn’t want me to, me asking him to stop dismissing my feelings, and the washing machine not working. I feel like I’m going crazy.

Today he suggested going to eat at Hooters, which obviously made me upset? Especially since I have been asking for months for him to pay attention to me… He then caused a huge issue, dismissed my feelings, didn’t listen to me, and told me I can’t take a joke. I told him I’m upset with him, and that he needs to sleep on the couch tonight. So he turned off location sharing on his phone and left without telling me. I am suspicious that he’s either cheating, using drugs, or both. Either way, I told him when I offered to try our relationship one more time that turning off location services was a dealbreaker for me… I feel like I’ve put so much blood, sweat, and tears into this relationship. I went through hell trying to make sure he got sober, all at the expense of my own well-being and happiness. At what point do I choose myself..?

My Q is my soon to be ex husband and father of my children. He has been going to N.A. and has 40 days sober. He takes a UA every two weeks at a local lab to see my kids for 6 hours each Saturday and Sunday. Today though, his work informed me that they found rolled up dollar bills out in the open of the dash and one appeared to have blood on the end where it would go up his nose. They also found empty beer bottles. He said he’s clean but I asked why he would have the paraphernalia still there, wouldn’t it be a bad reminder of what he used to do? He said he forgot it was there. They also found hot hand warmers which I have never seen him use but someone tried to tell me it’s for using to fake a clean drug test? He claims he’s sober and that people are just looking for things to be wrong.

Am I reading too much into this? What is yalls opinion? I was really starting to trust that he was at least drug sober.

I’ve been letting my kids be with him alone at his house but now I’m wondering if that’s a bad idea.

Anyone whose relationship ended due to alcohol and coke wanna chat?

It can also be called a petition for examination. It's a civil case where you ask a judge to order someone into involuntary treatment.

I’m not even angry, just tired. My boyfriend (soon to be ex, but we still live together due to the lease) got angry with me 2 days ago while I was driving him to get his suboxone, and spit on my car seat. I was telling him he needed to set his alarm and was trying to offer tips on how to keep his wallet in an easy place to find, as he had been freaking out and we were running late to the clinic bc he couldn’t find his wallet. Not sure why this triggered him to actively spit on my car seat, but he did. I immediately pulled over and kicked him out of my car, drove home, packed a bag, and stayed in a hotel for two nights.

My first night back home, I was rearranging my pillows in the bed and found an uncapped needle by my pillows.

He was playing VR upstairs, so I went upstairs and showed it to him. He immediately denied having any idea how it got there, then blamed me (I inject B12 shots weekly, always cap the needle, and dispose of right away), then just kept denying it and claimed to have no clue how it got there. Mind you, about a month ago he spent 3 nights in the hospital due to an arm abcess from dirty needles.

I’m not mad, just tired. 4 more months left on the lease. Can I even make it that long?

My bf and I have been together for 8 years, he was sober when we met but has relapsed countless times, then got clean with help. So after starting on suboxone 3 years ago and being on it for 2 he decided he was ready to get actually clean, so he detoxed from that on his own and ended up relapsing sometime after. I only noticed probably a year later when his eyes were pinned for 4 days straight, then a few months later of finding his drugs, hearing his confession, a day or two of NA and maybe a week or so of sobriety, back to pinned eyes every now and again, and lies straight to my face when I’m being sincere and genuinely concerned. And you know what it’s been a struggle. Not just for him but for me.

I’m looking to get my head back on straight and take care of my physical emotional and mental health more, I’m just struggling how to still do that. Like I don’t know where to start, who was I before all this shit.

Sorry if this triggers anyone, I’m just ready to let go.

I’d love to hear from people that have been going through this and feel secure with themselves again while living or being close to an addict. Because right now I’m done, emotionally and mentally, I’m just looking to vent and tell everyone I believe you should choose yourself, choose your friends and family. Choose to do things that make you happy and relaxed and to not obsess over there recovery or addiction. They will never tell you the truth. Not unless they are actually in recovery, not just “trying” or “doing good” (I ask about his recovery a lot and he says I’m doing good and nothing else). Let go of the fears that cause the paralyzing days, the anxiety and panic attacks, and start living like they already aren’t here bc one days soon they may not be. Don’t be fully there for someone who’s only ever 20% there.

What do you all think, idk let me know.

Hi, looking for a discord group or what apps group for relative of addicts. I lost my father to a relapse after 20+ years of sobriety to heroin when I was 23 and currently am in my 30s and believe my mom might be using again. It’s taking a real toll on my mental and financial well being. The discord mentioned in this sub (Just for Today) doesn’t appear to include an active link and I’m beginning to feel relatively isolated as the issues my peers vent about just don’t connect with what I’m going through / my experience. Just really need to connect with some folks who get what it is having a parent (or both) who are addicts / out of their freaking mind. Rant over.

I just made a post venting about my addict bf but I wanted to make a separate one for this question. My bf recently relapsed (literally just this past weekend) and I have genuinely never seen him act so cruel and manipulative towards me. I've been in an abusive relationship in the past, so seeing this behaviour come from my current bf (who NEVER treated me poorly before this, was never manipulative, an honest person's etc). Now, he's lying about stealing money from me and essentially gaslighting me when presented with evidence, he's trying to turn me against my roommate and best friend because she doesn't want him living with us anymore, calling her names to me and being rude, and is getting angry at me that he has 'nowhere to go' despite literally PUTTING HIMSELF IN THIS POSITION!! I have never, ever seen this side of him when he's sober. He is genuinely an amazing guy, hard working, hilarious, sweet. And yet, today I saw a side of him that shattered me. Is this the drugs? that might be a stupid question but I just truly don't understand how he can suddenly be so terrible to me because I called him out on his own actions. Its scary and its breaking my heart..

Hi all,

I've been a lurker on this sub for a long time but recent events with my drug-addict boyfriend have left me feeling hopeless. I'm not seeking advice, as I know the answer is to leave, but I'm in desperate need of support from someone who understands. I have no close friends or family to talk to about this because I have been hiding this problem for months and I'm too ashamed of the judgment I know I'll receive from them.

Long story short, I (23F) met my boyfriend (24M) in March of 2023, and we started dating in May 2023. For the first year, he was essentially perfect. Kind, compassionate, always interested in what I was learning in Uni or doing at work, dedicated, loyal, basically all I'd ever wanted in a partner after my only previous relationship which was highly abusive. My bf was transparent with me from the beginning that he has previously had issues with Xanax and drugs in general - I understood because I've also struggled with binge drinking heavily when I was 17-21. He was sober this whole first year aside from occasionally having some drinks or smoking weed. Then, in May of 2024, he was laid off unexpectedly due to his workplace being bought out. This was pretty devastating for him as he really enjoyed that job and worked his ass off to get it, he had been there for years. This is when everything started getting worse. He relapsed in June starting with cocaine and ketamine, then in July he was caught doing Xanax (he lived with his parents still at this time) police were called, it was a massive fight, and he was charged with damaging his families home. He has since been staying with me on the condition that he is sober, and he has been. Things have finally been looking up in the past 3 weeks as I was starting to really trust that he was truly serious about getting sober and getting back to work. Then, on Friday, I started to notice he was acting strange. I then noticed an odd transaction on my bank account that I did not make... he insists it wasn't him, but when I checked, the transaction was to a site to buy drugs (like MDMA & ketamine). He continues to deny despite it being obvious it was him. insists he's still sober but I know better. He left my house about an hour ago, and was extremely cruel and mean to me. Its like everything I've done for him in the past 3 months was forgotten, it didn't matter to him. I'm devastated, heartbroken, and defeated. I miss the man I thought I knew.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I'm going to attend my first NarAnon meeting online tonight, hopefully it helps

I’ve supported him for two and a half years. His lapses are about 8-9 weeks apart now and that’s HUGE. But…his journey is longer than I realized. It’s after fentanyl where the tough work really is.

You don’t want to give up now, but you’re waiting for another shoe to drop.

His sober self doesn’t seem to want to pursue the things his “high” self said he wanted—monogamy, God, family life, hated potheads. I never wanted to be around a lot of pot, and he used to say I won’t have to worry about that.

All year I’ve been running into conflict after conflict of our life goals and values. I’m not saying mine are BETTER. But they’re different enough that I’m more than concerned. It makes me feel tricked sometimes—and lonely.

I’ve encountered everything from finding illegal Xanax purchases because he says he needs it to stay sober from fentanyl, daily pot usage that varies from a few hits to turning into an extra from a Snoop Video, requests for threesomes to fulfill fantasies, and holing up in our room or in the basement in deep depressions instead of family activities with my teens like he used to do. He’d play video games with them and talk to them and talk to me about planning things together with them.

I also get that his sobriety is HIS journey and he’s finding that pot and Xanax help him stay “clean” from fentanyl which will kill him. It always sounds like it’s necessary and may be a lifestyle I’ll have to get used to because it’s saving his life.

And maybe he doesn’t want it to be this way forever. But to hear him talk about it, I think he’d be happy as a lark if I’d shut up about it and smoke pot with him. He’d be stoked if I’d include a couple of other women.

But none of that is what I signed up for. Sure, everyone has their thing. But this reality has created a lot of anxiety and depression for me. I guess I’m still hoping it will get better as his brain heals and he keeps growing as a person and partner.

He’s worked really hard to get to this place. And he makes it clear with his words that he really wants this and me, and that I’m also not being very understanding.

But I’ve got dreams and feelings. And the more I suppress them, the worse my depression gets. I hang on because there’s this other part of him that says the opposite—that I matter to him, and he WILL respect my boundaries, and how he wants us to be happy.

I think he feels like he’s the one compromising on pot and monogamy and kids being in the picture because he never wanted kids.

But like…it feels like we’re both doing a lot of compromising.

I’m afraid I hung on for two and a half years only to find out this really isn’t the life he wants, even sober-ish. He wants wild sex, and to still get high but legally (with pot and meds), and to have the occasional line of coke at a party, and to sleep all weekend, and then more pot to have fun and relax.

And I don’t want those things. How can they coexist? Someone gets shortchanged—maybe both of us. Or maybe his mind is still healing and he’s struggling between his old and new self. I don’t know.

But I’d like to know so I can decide if I can live with whatever the truth is.

a couple months ago i posted about how i found baggies in my sisters room… well, here recently she’s been acting so erratic and a chatter box to the point where she genuinely will not shut the hell up! and not in a good way like literally talking so much no one can get a word in. my mom and i constantly have to redirect her back to what she was doing… she had a girl living w her who was on blues and expects me to believe that she wasnt doing them too… today we went to see my grandma in the hospital and on the way home she was slumped over nodded off,(i was driving) with a message typed out on her phone and her thumbs resting on her phone… she did work an 8 hr shift, she does go to work at 6:30am but when you’re tired you don’t slump over like that… i told my mom about it. when she talks she yells really loud… i really want to text that girl and ask for solid proof, my family wants to confront her but we dont have 100% solid proof. she tried to say she was tired but i’ve seen tired and i’ve seen fucked up that girl was fucked up :/ idk what to do. i want to have a relationship with my nephew but i cannot keep babying her dude… i cannot keep taking care of her. i cannot keep having her waking me up at 7:30am when i work 2nd shift bc her and her bf are fighting. i’m tired. she’s been on and off of drugs since i was 14, i’m almost 23.. this is exhausting and i’m so sick of it.

FOB relapsed last year and I set strict boundaries that he couldn't see our little one until he got clean. I was honestly quite mean about it. It was a continuous cycle and I knew he had it in him to get clean but I was tired of the stress. He passed away earlier this month...I just was so mean and I didn't know he started using meth. He's not been on that before during the constant cycles of relapse and a part of me wishes id know he was doing that..I always saw myself with him eventually and he was the only person I saw myself getting married to. He asked me to marry him when she was two and I said let's focus on your sobriety first. I guess the realization that we're never getting back together and I have to live a life without him, hurts a lot. Every day. Today is a hard day. 😞

well it finally happened, he hit the pen, i caught him last night with weed smell on his breath and he lied three times and finally came clean, i asked him what the plan was going forward like if this was going to become a regular thing or what he planned to do, he said he would just toss it there was no point in going on with it as he just “wanted to remember what it felt like”.

this morning we get back from the grocery store, i check the pen (i know where it is) and it had 3 more bubbles in it meaning he hit it again.

i let him know that going forward our daughter and i will not be around him while he is high, so im leaving when she wakes up from her nap.

any other suggestions? i feel im doing a good thing for her and myself.

My boyfriend relapsed on blues yesterday. 95 days clean. We were literally sitting in the car to go into his N/A meeting so he could pick up his 90 day tag. (Even tho he’s been drinking nom stop for the past few weeks) I was still staying proud he had stayed off pills. Even tho I knew I fought tooth & nail to remind him he needs to stay off drinking as well & really put his mind to sobriety. I got out of the car, he was listening to music loudly, I was ready to go into the meeting. I sat on the curb, he didn’t see me get up & come to the car. He was breaking up a line on his book. I was in shock. Disappointed. I silently got into the car & asked him to take me home.

I told him we need to be done, I can’t do it anymore. He said “ it’s just a couple of pills I bought off a guy, it’s just one line I did” “I’m still picking up my 90 days” Ugh. I told him he needs to tell someone or maybe someone in his meeting. “Nope, I’m not disappointing anyone else, I won’t tell them, it was just one line; I’m not counting that as a relapse.” Wtf? Like you liar. I try to not get so mad but damnit I’m fucking pissed. I told him we need to be done, so he then threatened to end his life. That he expected me to tell him that I understand& it’s okay that he relapsed. ofc I understand, but it’s also just something I don’t have to put up with. He will not leave, he will not put in the work. I love him, yet I don’t know how to keep doing this.

I feel stressed by him saying he is going to intentionally hurt himself, as he knows my past partner passed away & that I can not take anymore hurt like that. I’m so frustrated with myself as I am in this position.

He tells me that yesterday was just a one time thing & that he won’t do it again. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Fiance (now ex) chose partying and drugs over me to the point where he came home drunk, broke up with me, and went out and did coke all day. I’m devastated.

https://www.reddit.com/r/naranon/s/rbje9RnOgz

Thank you all for your advice. Thankfully, his ex contacted me today and made it very easy to break it off with my relapsed bf! She showed screenshots of him still meeting up with her and fucking her, as well as fucking random girls on hinge. He was in bed next to me and I told him to get the fuck out. Thank you all for your advice as well 😊 When people said addicts are manipulative, liars, I thought surely he is the exception, I didn’t want to believe it of him I wanted to believe he was a good guy. But trash took itself out!

I’ve (30F) been a subscriber to this sub for a few years. My boyfriend (40M) is a coke addict and he abuses alcohol. He has childhood trauma and his mental health isn’t good. He thinks he has adhd. He uses coke to relax and to stop the negative voices in his head.

He’s started hiding his coke usage from me. He lives with me in my flat. He’s been off work since August with an autoimmune condition. He’s been using a lot without me knowing and wasting his money on it. I feel like a total fool.

I told him that if he uses again, we have to break up. This was 10 days ago. I came home from work on Thursday and got the sense he had used. I took his phone and logged into his online banking because I knew he would lie if I asked. He sent £120 to his dealer on Tuesday.

I confronted him on Friday morning and he left and went to the pub at 11am. He got drunk and high whilst I worked from home. I left and went to stay with a friend. I’m going to have the final conversation with him tomorrow.

I’m freaking out because this is the second time I’ve been in this position with a man. Almost identical!! What’s wrong with me? I’m also scared that I wont put the final nail in the coffin tomorrow.

I’m feeling really conflicted and could use some advice about how to proceed in my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for a few months, and in that time, he’s been great. I knew he had a past history with heroin but was in recovery and had been for awhile. He worked and still works with two counselors and gets drug tested weekly.

I thought he was completely sober but Recently, he overdosed while at my place, and I had to call 911 and perform CPR. It was one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever had. Since then, I’ve been really worried about him, and I noticed he seemed high again just a couple of nights later. A friend of mine also thought he might’ve been high the day after that. He’s been going to meetings and talking to his sponsor, but I can’t shake the feeling that things are getting worse, and I’m not sure if he’s being fully honest with himself or me about his recovery.

I care deeply about him, and the last thing I want to do is abandon him, especially if there’s potential for him to turn things around. But at the same time, I’m really struggling with how to handle my own emotions. I wake up every day worried something might happen to him, and I’m not sure how to navigate getting closer to someone when I’m so afraid of losing them to an overdose.

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it or if I should be more cautious. How would you handle this situation? Has anyone been through something similar, and how did you balance caring for someone while also protecting your own emotional well-being?

Thanks for any advice you can offer ❤️

My mother has been using for around 20 years. Constantly in jail, in and out of rehabs and relapsing. I know this is a disease and I try to remember that and be compassionate but I am sick of being compassionate. I am walked over, asked for money, and clouded with anxiety everyday that she is out in the world. I am waiting on bad news. I am waiting to hear she has died. I just bailed her out with her own money and just want to tell her i'm done with her until she gets her life together. Although i fear that will send her into a worse drug spiral.

She has done drugs for years and overdosed multiple times and I am just waiting now. Feeling like every phone call is one that I have to pick up with a constant fear in my heart that it will be the news i am expecting and dreading.

Q is back after getting kicked out of PHP. Hundreds of unexpected dollars in the past few days not to mention the price of the treatment (are we allowed to bitch how expensive this is)

Q is not keeping a schedule. Not doing his online school, took out his tower computer because it is a tower. Recovering from a foot injury because he was working out continuously incorrectly without shoes on. Says he has stomach cramps. Turning the house into a mess, and not cleaning up after himself. I call him out and he instead goes into victimizing himself. Oh, I don’t have anything to do, I can’t clean up because I’m in pain. Why are you being hard on me I’m in recovery and was diagnosed with a mental illness. I’m not very smart, I can’t be a self-starter.

I’m being hard on him? I need to be harder on him. A little story time:

Q my 18 yr old son came back home with me in April this year (on his 18th bday) After going to live with an estranged dad for almost two years who said he could “fix him”. No, he couldn’t fix him. He didn’t know the man, he jumped ship before he was even born and fled the state the minute the state tried to garnish his wages. But for some gosh awful pathetic reason he returned some 16 years later after only visiting with his son on some holidays during the pandemic peak with his Irish twin brother. (After our year together, he broke up with me when I was 20 weeks pregnant and began dating a 17-year-old who was his friend's stepdaughter, and they didn’t even speak the same language. He married her on her 18th bday and she got pregnant. Where the Irish twin comes from) I have no issues with her or my son’s brother. I felt sick for her she was being manipulated by a man 12 years older than her even then. She ended up leaving him and why he came back to this state. Good for her!

Back on track, You know what, I was struggling and said come help me parent this since you are here.

So here arrives fun dad, who drinks and smokes so much he could put the series Mad Men to shame (minus having the career) he didn’t believe me that our son was struggling with use and the more time he spent with him the more he used. It was horrible! But his father said it was all my fault course because I raised him as a single mother and was trying to over-parent him by making him stay home during lockdown and making him go to school when in-person school resumed. (I can’t make this up even if I wanted to)

He knew his estranged father didn’t know him and could pull off his BS with his dad. His father would not work his ass off to keep him in school and therapy. And hold him accountable (that requires accountability for yourself)

Maybe 8 months after the return of his father, Q’s 16th birthday arrives and he participates in a coup of sorts with his father to go live with him. Even had me served with legal paperwork from an idiot lawyer who knew it was dumb. In our state, a minor can choose what parent to live with at 16. His father just wanted child support to stop. And get money he thought my son was left after my mom died (there was no money, not even a will) You know what, I never filed for child support, He did and never paid it or saw his son after we reached a legal agreement. I never asked him for the payments. I didn’t know where he was to ask and didn’t care.

The judge got the paperwork work from this suit after I filed my response and was hmm how do you have all these assets and no income (he works for cash so he doesn’t have to get wage garnishment for the child support he filed to pay. Did the judge reduce his 80k arrears? No. As I told his father, just petition to have part of it reduced and I will agree to it because I truly don’t care about the money. I just didn’t want his toxic self around us anymore.

So with that, he takes Q out of state and school to cover his ass from committing all his tax fraud.( for some more fun context this all went down 2 weeks after my mom died unexpectedly) I didn’t know where they were for the most part except for when my son would call me on IG from burner phones.

So yes, some two years later I get a call from Q from a homeless encampment saying he was using meth and his dad kicked him out and to please help. I got him on a plane the next day. And his dad really did kick him out. He sent a text message to my almost 2 years dead mother trying to explain himself. I have her iMessage on my tablet still. I was like wtf? Did he forget she died? And was good riddance to his father and I hope he stays gone.

So Q is home unexpectedly with a bigger drug habit and attitude after being around that level of toxicity for a few years. And of course heartbroken his father just cut him out of his life like that. He was sober for maybe a week at home and back came the using and drama. He has been in inpatient treatment for the past three months for substance abuse and mental health.

Guys, I’m F’ing struggling here. Am I perfect and have been the perfect parent? No Do I love him and would give my life for him to live a normal boring life? Yes Do I recognize that he has been through unspeakable trauma? Yes Is all that a reason to come back home and gaslight me and treat me like dirt? No

I don’t know if I have a point. I just had to get this out. I don’t think he has relapsed since relapsing in PHP and getting kicked out. I’m just dreading for when it does happen. I hope it doesn’t but with loving an addict hope can be an excruciating emotion.

Also, my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because he didn't want me like this. So F’him. Its a rather mute point given why but doesn't make it not hurt like hell and have virtually no support now.

Edit: And post story! I need to be harder on him. He is not dumb, he knows his consequences are a result of his actions. Some of the online drug stuff he was participating in, he was making spreadsheets and formulating them. Could measure. Do algebra! He is far from dumb. I wish he had the drive to chase a better life the way he has the drive to chase drugs.

I’ve been married for a year but have been with him for 7 years. I don’t know what to do, what my life is like without him. He’s been lying about being clean for the past two years constantly lapsing, hiding it from me and then I find out. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. We got married when I thought he was sober and now he sprung this up on me out of nowhere. How will I tell family and friends? I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

Are there any Nar Anon WhatsApp groups at all please?

I'm a member of an Al Anon one, which is helpful in a "all in it together" kind of support way, but obviously is catered towards AA, and doesn't really cater for those of us dealing with the extras that come with drug use 🙁🙁🙁

Struggling with a decision. Q has gone to live with his mom today (different city, about 2 hrs away). During the last 2 yrs, it's been mostly just me in the trenches. His family has had the convenience of distance to not have to deal with his craziness in person. They just hear about it (sometimes), and worry from afar.

Hes been sober for about a week now, and somehow got sober/maintained it while living rough. Which I find interesting because I know he knows how to get meth...recycling cans, trading/selling items he finds...it's pretty easy. His mom's offer to have him come stay with her temporarily came out of left field. She's never offered that, and at times completely rejected the request when hes asked.

During the last few days we've had some blunt and honest conversations about how I've been affected, his mental health, and each of our points of view on things that have happened. This is the first time hes actually asked for and wanted my input on my point of view. From the conversations, it's pretty clear he has underlying mental health issues that have been affecting him and get exacerbated by his meth use, specifically anxiety and some personality issues, but also including some PTSD from things that have happened while in psychosis that were vety scary but also things he did that he regrets. His mom has never asked me for input related to him other than "how's he doing? Is he sober?". She'd maybe contact me once every few months at most. Or she'd just tell me to get him to call her when I saw him next.

So, do I send an unsolicited text to her re: encouraging him to seek mental health support unrelated to his addiction? I have reservations already about him living with her because she can be demanding and triggering, even before his addiction. Or do I just let it play out? She's never given me suggestions, so I'm apt to just take her lead and say nothing. I already made it clear to Q that I think he should talk to someone about his mental health in general (nonspecific to addictions because trying to talk about addiction treatment specifically has lead to more resistance), and he had agreed that his mental health is not good.

If I tell her, I'll feel like im helping (hello codependency). If I dont, then I worry she'll find out eventually and be mad that I didn't say anything.

After typing this all out, I feel like im going to hold off on saying anything. Q and I had the conversation and I think that should be enough... Let me know if I'm missing something.

I left my Q a few months ago after 11 years together and I'm trying to work through so many mixed feelings of what I expereinced within the relationship.

For background, he struggled with depression and anxiety throughout. He was a daily stoner for most of those 11 years give or take some time away from it. Over the last two years he developed addiction to either benzos or codeine. Always blaming once caught, on his other mental health issues and as a way of coping. If he ever treated me wrongly it wasn't his fault it was the depression, if I caught him lying about drug use - again it was the depression. Always just cos he's struggling.

Now out of the relationship I fully accept the fact he's an addict, im free of the manipulation and lies which told me otherwise for so long. I have more clarity on stuff that's happened and trying to gain a better understanding so i make better choices for myself going forward.

I'm now wondering if all of these personality traits he shown are linked to one another. Are most addicts narcs or vice versa, is the mental illness because of reliance on substance. I've been fed so many lies across the years I don't truly know what was real anymore.

I may just be rambling, but interested to hear others thoughts on this if this makes any sense at all.

Why is it that when the addict realizes they no longer have a hold on you, they will go to great lengths to try to get you back in their life? Even when they have other options, other people in their life to use or be with. They’ll come back with the grand gestures, actions, words, promises, etc. But they won’t put that same energy into fixing their issues and working on truly getting sober.

I know it’s a cunning disease but that just makes no sense to me. If they would just work on themselves and fix the problems, they would’ve kept you around in the first place. They’d rather just bring you back into the same cycle of chaos with the promise of change but (hopefully) you’re smart enough to look deeper and see they haven’t really changed or done anything differently.

Deep down most of us want the sober person back. We’d love for one day them to be better and come and give us the version of themselves they always promised. Usually we’ve put YEARS into the relationship with them, getting little in return. Just lost hope and broken dreams. But how dare we demand they put that same effort and time into fixing themselves and coming back to us when they’re actually well enough.

When they fail to win you back after one or maybe a few attempts, they will move on. Even though you tried for years, tried harder and longer than they did. Like you’re not worth the fight. Time wasted.

It’s so confusing and frustrating and heart breaking.

As part of my 6th&7th step my sponsor has me reading "Drop the Rock". I'm actually listening to it but either way message is working on me. I'm greatful for an attentive sponsor.