Like going back to the “normal” world… is it like you never left? Is it really weird? Scary? Not so bad? What’s the overall general experience like? Do you feel out of place? Back in place? Both?

I read this subreddit often and don’t post I see people asking “I know I need to quit I just don’t know why” and i am often left feeling this way too. Especially after especially an intense drug related dream of craving, which I have often sadly still

I wanted to make a list of things that happened to me and my “friend(s)” while we were using.

Or just idk how I feel - free flow thoughts and writing n bitching about that son of a bitch drug.

So pls be nice I’m not a writer I just had therapy today and wanted to talk

Do u recall all of The poor choices and reckless behavior. The psychotic bouts of rage, mood swings, crashing, then awake and tweaking for days… The violent tendencies, self harming, the terrible tattoos staining my skin.. the empty sex with strangers, talking in circles for hours not remembering a word until The sun rises.

Don’t you remember when you ran out how bad you wanted to die ? How you would lash out on your loved ones and not remember? &How badly your soul ached for more meth or to just die? You can feel it leave your body- seeping through your pores, and out of your piss- evict it for the last time.

Foolish girl, your time is running out. And so are your drugs - You’re not invincible! You will die! You’re closer to 40 than 20 now babe don’t look back look forward , said the clock.

If I don’t remind- myself I always go back. some of the people i knew didn’t get that choice. That fucks with me stilll Today. Half my friends didn’t live to see 30 & couldn’t learn? Selfish foolish girl..

I fear for my internal organs most days, and I didn’t even start using meth until I was nearing 30 (36 now) however I’ had been abusing substances and/or on drugs since I was 15 years old. & I’ve been prescribed a plethora of meds due to acute psychosis (they thought for 10 years I was schizophrenic) & ptsd the list of MISdiagnosises goes on and on As do the meds.

And yes it was to cope. yes it was to medicate. Yes it was to feel. And numb myself, and for the thrill and the rush. It was all of everything for most of my life.

I had fleeting moments of sobriety & still honestly struggle I admit it. “I don’t want to do this but why can’t I stop” I think often to myself as I blocked More friends phone numbers in a spun out rage.

It was me. Not them. I needed help. They just needed to stay tf Away from ME

&It’s been an up and down battle, but nothing is liner fair or easy. Growth requires strength , change, boundaries..so many things i need to learn oh when will I learn. I wonder

Yet when it’s bad, & I have relapsed - I’m always so close to losing everything yet idc in that moment. it’s never been worth going back to either Not once. It’s a Russian roulette mind fuck that hides behind false confidence, You’re a shellOf who u used to be. A projection of everything and everyone else

I feel as tho when l I become a sliver of who I was yet I always return to the crystal plate. It was years and I relapsed.. it was so easy. Natural. Miserable.

How many days I’ve been up and things get weird. Good Things never come when your mind is shutting down and you don’t know who to trust anymore

And then when it fell thru and I got sober the first time the first relapse was insane 3 Months Meth daily
after having years removed from the shit

I felt a black cloud return over me. I felt shame and guilt yet would say “I know I need to quit I just don’t know why”

Making little to no sense - losing all my relationships - crying alone sad angry. Sitting in the same position for hours doing nothing.

I was also emaciated, depleted of vitamins, dehydrated and I’d go days without food

When all this started I got down to 130lbs from around 200+ I got my first abscess tooth which was lovely. Swollen face , pus that smells like literal shit pouring out of my gums where My teeth meet and incredible pain that rarely goes away..

& I was a snorter. Yea I smoked meth but I loved cutting up lines, I enjoyed the feeling & pain it give you when u snort it. “It was a ritual “like my one friend in recovery says “a sick obsession” how it almost turns you on in a fucked up way..

The drip from the meth going down my throat & into my mouth didn’t help my tooth infections one bit. The pain was insane.. it wad all very overwhelming n parts don’t seem real now

I’d think about How did I let this happen to me along side wanting another line

Everyone was disappointed in me. Mostly myself tho.

It’s no way to live

Meth doesn’t get to win this time.

In closing I wanna share a link from YouTube called meth pee, it is a comedian whose story helps me I hope u have a moment to watch cos it is funny but real & thank u for reading

Jessa Reed - Meth Pee - this is not happening-

I’m so angry I want to scream. The lawn guys have been in my community doing the lawn all day and it seems like every time I fall asleep they’re in my back yard and it makes me want to go outside and tell them to go the fuck away.

I accidentally hit my knee off the table and kicked it as hard as I could because it made me so angry.

The sunlight coming in the blinds is right in my face regardless of where I lay.

My whole body hurts. My joints, my back, my head. I’m itchy for some reason. I just want to scream and yell and punch someone or something.

Does this go away? Is this even normal? I don’t know how to be sober and not feel like I’m on the verge of committing some sort of violent crime.

Coming off pressed adderall, so probably meth or something idk.

I keep falling back into meth due to the sexual arousal it provided and recently thought I gained control as I’d only use every couple weekends then I started mixing ghb in the mix and a weekend here or there became 2 weeks then last 4 days of it I mixed car fent with the meth and I’m now 2 days off and it’s all I’m thinking about I haven’t done opiates in a long time and it sucks I hate how I keep going back… I started college I’m honours, left a toxic relationship in beginning stages of one with someone not into drugs , they’re a nurse have their shit together, was able to move my mom in as she was on verge of homelessness and then I binge for 2 weeks on every drug I could get

Pill esophagitis is when medication repeatedly gets stuck in your esophagus after swallowing and begins eroding the surface of the esophagus. It usually happens when a medication is taken frequently without food or sufficient water, and can result in GI bleeds and the inability to eat.

After three and a half years of abusing prescription stimulants exclusively orally I had a GI bleed a month ago, and it was determined to have been caused by pill esophagitis. I was scared enough to tell my doctors I was abusing my prescription vyvanse and adderall, but they didn’t think that was the cause because there are no recorded cases of pill esophagitis being caused by prescription stimulants (there is a single known case of it happening in an oral meth user). But my symptoms only began to improve once I stopped the stimulants. In fact, they improved RAPIDLY once I stopped taking them. They haven’t returned since. So now it seems likely the stimulants were the cause.

Like I said there is very little information out there about stimulant-induced pill esophagitis. Not even doctors seem to be aware it is a potential complication of stim abuse. So I’m spreading the word. If you have you begin to have pain while swallowing, left shoulder pain, heartburn, or feel like something is “stuck in your throat” after using stims orally, these could be signs of pill esophagitis. And you should go to the ER right away and tell them about your stimulant abuse if you have black, grainy vomit or black stool — these are signs of a GI bleed, and GI bleeds can be life threatening.

Oral abuse might be “safer” than snorting, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe. And “rare” doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I am extremely lucky to have figured out what was going on early enough that I was able to avoid any irreversible complications. GI bleeds can and do kill.

I used to pick my right arm a lot a couple years ago, at the height of my addiction. Scars, red marks, and lots of inflamation. It was pretty bad and very embarrassing. I've kept it covered ever since. I gave up on it ever healing and going back to normal. For a couple months I've been using moisturizer with retinol in it. Today I looked in the mirror and swear it looks better. I think my scars might be fading away.

Currently going through withdrawal because last months I used a lot of 3-MMC. Actually last week I used every day. Since sunday clean now.

I went through withdrawal before but before I used dexamphetamine (dexedrine and elvanse) everyday. That withdrawal felt different.

Now I feel so fucking weird. I have brain zaps and feel different parts of my body ‘tingling’..

I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday to have a check on my health and to discuss professional help with addiction.

If anyone has any tips on what foods, vitamins etc would be good for my body rn let me know. I want to love myself again

Hello, I read a lot of testimonials about Aderall and methamphetamine, but are there people who have had problems with methylphenidate (Ritalin, Concerta, etc.)? I've been taking it for more than 2 years and I tried to stop once for 42 days, I succeeded and I started taking it again after this time when my psychiatrist prescribed it again. The dependence on this substance is more of a psychological nature I would say, although I respect my prescription, I also take therapeutic breaks, that is to say days when I do not take Concerta (MPH) to see how my brain works without, can we speak in my case of addiction, or dependence problem? I think so from a psychological point of view, I have gotten used to a certain way of functioning with the treatment and when I don't take it on the days I take a break I remember how I function with it, but is Is it really that toxic to feel like you're psychologically dependent on ADHD treatment? Are there people who have been able to stop their ADHD treatment with Ritalin/concerta and still live well?

I need advice on stopping my behavior before its too late. I started using stimulants probably 2-3 months ago as I just started college and my roommate has ritalin prescribed for his adhd. It started as me using it to study for tests and it helped trememdously. Bu then I me and all of my friends in the dorms experimented with coke. That really fucked me over becuase it became an obession of mine. We all did it multiple nights in a row, and I even secretly bought my own to do alone for no rhyme or reason. Without the funds for coke I now ask my friend for his ritalin and snort it all night pulling all nighters once a week for no reason or stealing it if I can. I came home for thanksgiving break and took some of my own mothers adderall to get high ad ended up binging 200mg in one night and it was the best high I have ever felt and have been fiending for more since. This path im going down is scaring the fuck out of me and I feel like Im losing myself to these stimulant drugs. I dont know what to do. i just want to change before I end up doing this shit everyday and killing myself. I just need some kind of advice. I am not the person to steal and i’m so ashamed of my behavior. this is not the person i thought i was

So today is day 36. Thirty six days ago I decided I'd had enough. I called my doctor told them what was going on and asked them to cut me off.

Around day 24 to 26 can't remember exactly the insane afternoon to evening fatigue finally broke and I have seen a slight change in the anhedonia where I can enjoy certain hobbies, but not like I used to and not all of them. I know recovery times can vary through everything I have read here and heard from my doctor but I'm looking for other people's experience who have quit long term on the following things:

1. my short term memory is non existent. I often cannot remember parts of the day like morning or what I had for breakfast or what I did or what I had for dinner the night before.

2. every now and then I get disoriented and confused and don't recognize where I am. For instance I walked into my basement once and it took me a minute to recognize where I was. This has only happened a couple times

3. I have a hard time recognizing words and things like that. For example my list of text messages. I'll want to text my mom let's say, and I have 5 active message threads and I have to look at them for a minute to finally find the right one.

4. crazy crazy mood and anxiety fluctuations. I'm usually great in the morning but around 12pm my anxiety and mood start to plummet into hell. And flip back and forth every 15 to 20 minutes. It's exhausting. Then around 4pm I'm good again into the night

5. my brain feels warm and fuzzy and not in a good way. Usually right behind my eyes but top of my head too

6. I just feel wrong. Like I'm not me old or new. I just exist like an empty shell

7. should I outright stop having caffeine? Does this adversely affect recovery?

I was on 30mg extended release with a 10mg booster for about 3 years if I remember right. I would typically go through my entire 2 prescriptions in about 6 to 7 days.

Thanks

I’m almost 2 years sober from heavy adderall abuse. My adhd still exists of course. How do I stop thinking about and craving adderall on rough adhd days?

It still feels like I have no motivation some days. Even at nearly 2 years clean.

Thanks for any insight/tips/etc

The heart is one of the most important organs in the body… I will never take that for granted again. Grateful to see some normal heart rate averages while running and getting fitness back. One day at a time 🙏

idk why i’m even writing this. i know we are all in the same boat. the first 100-150 days certainly had their difficulties but not like how ive been feeling recently. i feel so panicky and overwhelmed with day to day life, and any little inconvenience that the majority of people deal with regularly brings me to tears and frustration. i recently moved states and the administrative side of things has sent me into a spiral. (updating car title/ registration, mailing address changes, you know- all the shitty things you have to do). not to mention having to find a new job and new healthcare. i just don’t understand how i could feel worse than i did 100 days ago.. and due to such benign things at that. idk. . the only thing keeping me from going back is knowing there are thousands others experiencing this. hope yall are doing well.

Day 1 not taking the pills was okay, but exhausting. Everything seemed more difficult than usual.

Today, everyone is back to normal. Kid is at school and husband is at work. I am a wreck. I had a job interview today but woke up in a panic attack about it and have decided I can’t do it. I’m not going to, and I know I’m ruining my life this way but the anxiety is so bad I just can’t.

My whole body hurts, I’m terrified of sitting at home all day alone and what my brain full of anxiety and depression will do to me for the few hours I’m alone.

Stopping doesn’t feel like the best decision ever, but I know I have to keep going.

MDMA abuse and potential liver problems, scared and anxious

Hi, everyone. I'm 38 M and I've been abusing MDMA in binges once a month or in 2 months for last 3 or 4 years. I was never a party goer but I used it to deal with stress and loads of work to help me focus. I realised I might have undiagnosed ADHD. Last binge was in the first week of September when I made a promise to myself never to take it again.

However in late October and throughout November I started experiencing bunch of symptoms that are seemingly related to liver. I had an ultrasound and bloodwork and all seems fine and my doctors are not worried. However I remain struggling so much with health anxiety thinking they missed something as I realised MDMA is toxic for the liver. I'm crying for most parts of the day and feel very lonely and isolated thinking I'm dying. My wife has a difficult time coping with me as well. I'm just so ashamed that I let my life slide and that I did such a stupid thing and can not forgive myself.

Do you have any advice in this situation? How did you cope with anxiety and guilt?

Honestly i have tried quitting before cold turkey multiple times. The feeling of withdrawal is so uncomfortable and unbearable. i get to day 5 and i want to craw out of my skin, im EXTREMELY tired too. i have to work, i have things that need done. i cant just sleep yall!! how do i get through this? it’s almost like when i am withdrawing, i have no control over getting more or not. should i try getting into therapy? is there anything that helps with withdrawal? how can i give myself more confidence in fighting this? I am just at a point where all i do is beat myself up over my addiction. i think im an awful person who lies to everyone, i have myself convinced im truly a disgusting person. i hate myself. i don’t want to hate myself anymore. please help me

Good morning, everyone!

Thank you so much for your incredible support of the Addy Free community. I’m really looking forward to tonight’s meeting at 8 PM and can’t wait to connect with all of you.

This meeting is designed to unite individuals who share a common goal: living a stimulant-free life. It’s a space to find strength, hope, and motivation, no matter where you are on your Addy Free journey.

Our group is still new—just a month in—and so far, five of us have been attending weekly. Each meeting focuses on a specific topic related to our experiences with Adderall and Vyvanse dependency. It’s a safe space where we can be ourselves, share openly, and relate to one another. (There’s definitely been a lot of head nodding!)

If I missed sending you the Zoom link, please don’t hesitate to reach out. See you tonight!

I still struggle a lot, but at least I'm not taking that shit anymore.

I’ve been dealing with and am being treated for depression & anxiety. It’s lasted a long time now. Last Tuesday, I found one old 10mg Adderall that I was prescribed years ago. Stupidly, I took it to see if it would help my depression symptoms and it gave me a little motivation and energy but of course, I came down. For the past 5 days since taking it, my depression is worse, I feel more emotional, and I’m very fatigued. All symptoms of a crash. My question is, could only one 10mg dose cause these symptoms, even 5 days after taking the dose? And when can I expect them to resolve? Thanks so much.

45 yr old male meth addict, jumping on a +40 hr train ride on Tuesday to head to rehab for the 3rd time. I am so desperate to get sober. I'm also horrified of the experience. My family is under the impression I'm sober. We are not in the same state. I havent seen them in 4 years. I'm sure they have their suspicions though as contact with them has become minimal. Stressed.

so i started getting serious anxiety about my exams towards the begging of November and it resulted in me taking more adderall then I should’ve. I’d periodically abuse it throughout the month whenever I had it and over the last few days the people I was buying it from convinced me to try meth. Now I’m not gonna lie the meth wasn’t as life changing or something that I ABSOLUTELY need tbh is there still a risk of withdrawal/come down? should I go back to just taking my normal prescription amount or should I just go cold turkey?

After three years of stims/meth use I know I need to stop, but I don’t know why.

The drugs barely work anymore, and I’m not even sure what’s in these pills anyway. I took my normal morning pill and then slept on the couch for six hours. I have a 13 panel drug test sitting on my bathroom counter waiting for me to use it to see what’s even in my system.

But, I lost my job 5 weeks ago (unrelated to drugs) and have a job interview on Monday. In order to get up, shower, and make it to my computer for the interview, I need the drugs. I can’t go through withdrawal and do the interview.

Then I’ll have at least two more interviews, the first day of the job, projects, lack of focus, and all the other things I have to fight through. But I NEED this job.

What do I do? How do I stop and support my family still? Why should I even get off the drugs? I know my day revolves around them and working in a field that requires a drug test and background check for new jobs means spending $100+ on fake pee to get jobs. I’m a shell of myself and I feel like I’m just a machine doing a job in a world I hate.

I struggle with stopping or ending myself. The second option seems so much easier. Last night I had a panic attack and just cried my eyes out and then laid in bed staring at the wall until I gave in and smoked weed to sleep.

I really, really need a solid reason to stop.

I personally get some weird symptoms after trying to quit cold turkey which eventually lead me to using again , I know it's a viscous cycle... Typically I use up to 2g a day which I'm trying to get down to a lower amount before I try to stop again as I fear that might be the cause of my physical withdrawl symptoms.

Speaking of symptoms they are as followed , head full of air feeling , dizziness, light nausea, sweating so much accompanied by your typical tirdness/fatigue and wanting to eat lots. I'm definitely getting very depressed over this whole situation and just wanna know when they will stop and if tapering will work if I have someone to help me actually taper and how long do withdrawl symptoms last when you are using heavy daily? I usually get to day 3 before my depression and physical symptoms are like too much and interfere with my work schedule.

IS there anyway to condense the highs and lows on the post on this forum....maybe predominant issues of concern such as the pill drought or bootlegs, different phenomeons people are experiencing, success stories, faliures, maybe any memorial post for users if needed, scientific advancements, advancements and setbacks in recovery in general for the year etc.? Just highlights of the past year on stopspeeding?

I’ve been experimenting with coke with My friends when we go out. Never cared for it, never was interested, one day I tried it and did a lot. It’s progressed to every time I drink I wanna do it. The comedown makes me depressed and cry, I can’t handle it. I wish I never tried it, one of the worst mistakes of my life. How do people move away from this drug? I am sick over it.

Hi I always struggle with my mood more over winter due to the lack of sunlight here in the UK. So I thought I’d write down what helps me, after coming off the stimulants.

I try to wake up at the same time every day and not sleep in. I’m unemployed at the moment so I feel I need to keep to a routine. I have breakfast then I practise some piano. I then have lunch and do some housework. I go on my run/walk at 3-4pm every day as this is when the sunsets and if you’re lucky the sun will be out and you can see it setting. I know I’m lucky to be able to do this as I’m not working, most people go to work in the dark then come home in the dark.

I meditate and stretch/yoga when I get back. Then have dinner with my partner and hang out.

Read before bed, then rinse and repeat.

One day at a time 🙏

I an happy that somebody on upper level of government started talking about a huge addiction crisis in USA.

As a former heroin and cocaine addict ( 14 ears of addiction, started using heroin at 15) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. at least knows what he is talking and went through . 40 years of recovery in 12 steps meetings are done. He is still attending AA meetings 9 times per week...

Hos ideas on recovery is:

You got a whole generation of kids who is damaged. I'm going to create these wellness farms where they can go to get off of illegal drugs, off of opiates, but also legal drugs, other psychiatric drugs, if they want to, to get off of SSRIs, to get off of benzos, to get off of Adderall, and to spend time as much time as they need — three or four years if they need it — to learn to get reparented, to reconnect with communities, to understand how to talk to people**.** There'll be job training, particularly in the trades.

***Did he mentioned somewhere about his outlook on how easily in USA doctors prescribe stims, and how its unregulated and almost criminal ? Did he goes against the Big Farm and medical field as a cause of addiction crisis or just giving solution how to fix it.

Sorry, I didn't follow him up till he got his nomination as a future health secretary.