What are all the ymbols on Orloks letter? I watched the movie earlier and that letter stood out to me.

https://www.google.com/imgres?q=oloks%20letter%20in%20nosferatu&imgurl=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F_2CVcKgolTAU%2FS-jZRfYMQQI%2FAAAAAAAAAz0%2FKMNICBHZk-k%2Fs1600%2Fcap009.bmp&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.therpf.com%2Fforums%2Fthreads%2Fnosferatu-1922.160775%2F&docid=WIc2x3ff0dfJSM&tbnid=6wwdJpyTJiVNnM&vet=12ahUKEwixl_L36b6JAxWwj4kEHXDhKHYQM3oECBoQAA..i&w=640&h=480&hcb=2&ved=2ahUKEwixl_L36b6JAxWwj4kEHXDhKHYQM3oECBoQAA

https://www.google.com/imgres?q=oloks%20letter%20in%20nosferatu&imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fm.media-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F416ag%2B6ovLL._AC_UF350%2C350_QL80_.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.co.uk%2FNosferatu-Fantasy-Horror-Movie-DVD-R%2Fdp%2FB07PNZCRT5&docid=LNoIC5XiQzDzAM&tbnid=UQIu4TzxZXInYM&vet=12ahUKEwixl_L36b6JAxWwj4kEHXDhKHYQM3oECGsQAA..i&w=350&h=263&hcb=2&ved=2ahUKEwixl_L36b6JAxWwj4kEHXDhKHYQM3oECGsQAA

Around this time 3-6 months i start to slowly lose intrest in being sober. I have a sponsor but i havent been doing the 90 in 90. So i feel like im already fucked because i cant even do that..so that in turns leads me into thinking im going to relapse sooner or later. I should want to go to meetings everyday. I shouldnt still be thinking about slipping back into a tent in the riverbed.

So 2 weeks ago i saw a benzedrex on the shelf as i was waiting to pick up my ocd meds(which i stopped taking) i have heard that it feels like meth so i pocketed it just because and just kept it under my pillow for 2 weeks. I have lowkey been looking for the perfect time to try it. So yesterday that time came i took 1 cotton and got horny for like 30 mins and stimfapped. It was nothing crazy, it didint feel like a relapse. Now im worried about the drug test that will most likely pop for meth. So why not do it again tonight since im already going to get in trouble with my iop program.

Also 800 dollars hit my bank account so i have like 1100 dollars so my mind is thinking im already fucked the wheels are already set in motion,I might as well just fully relapse. So im fantasizing about getting busted for the benz and having to leave the iop and be homeless and thats where i want to be it feels like. Get a motel for a week do a bunch of meth with some hookers and ghb then buy a tent and when im down to 400 ill buy a tent and a ounce of dope and whatever supplies i need for the riverved. Once i exhaust all my dopamine go to salvation army again because thats the type of environment i need to stay sober long enough for my brain to rewire.

Now i know this is all insanity right? I mean im 37 with nothing. I just love the adventure of a binge....sigh. i met with my sponsor today i didint tell him about any of this. Im thinking maybe i can be fine if i just buckle down and dont do it again. If i have to reset my days i for sure ill go on a binge I mean like reset at meetings not on here

Just got my 53 months off meth. Im doing very well as far as any withdrawl or PAWS, all symptoms of mental health effect are gone. I dont have any egregious cravings. I dont have using dreams. I do not glorify meth or meth culture at all. My legal consequences are all but over. I am a blessed individual.

Someone asked me the other day when i was talking about being in recovery if i had any problems? I said "Problems?!?, I have all sorts of problems today......but meth is not one of them."

Being off meth has not been some magic cure all to the problems in my life. I say this with great pain because meth has caused at least 75% of those problems....it hurts to know this.

That being said society is where society is. Meth is one of the most stigmatized subtances in america.....and i have a lengthy history with it. I understand this better than anyone else. I realize it is not easy to make somethings right. That time is the only cure to some ills. Along with work, determination, and a whole lot of help from my higher power and other people....especially other people.

I have spent a short time in the scheme of things doing the right thing on a consistent basis. This to is something that is unfair to me personally......because i too remember a time when i was not "messing up".....and that the honest truth is the majority of my life has been spent doing and or trying to do the right things...........but once again, meth is what meth is and I have a unfortunate lengthy history with it......if you think people only remember the bad things(this isnt true)....try the system.

I first tried meth in 1999. someone gave me a pill of it at a rave in texas. Within a year i had tried "crank" for the first time...and within 2 years of that i was a daily user of meth. I developed my addiction within the first year of daily use(2003) and continued to use daily for 7 more years living with that addiction but having ABSOLUTELY NO KNOWLEDGE about "Recovery", or rehab or addiction. I just knew the fear of a hopeless drug addict who did not even know they were a addict.....it took me being arrested TWICE(once being threatend with something like 3 decades behind bars) to finally break down and even admit to a authority figure that i had ever been associated with meth.....I felt defeated when i came in to that office, i felt like i was "giving up" and that i was "snitching" on myself....i was totally brainwashed by the drug and my circumstance at that point, afraid of the only thing that could save my life.

I got clean the first time in 2010. 6 months in a relapsed for ONE NIGHT.....that one night was the worst METHISODE i had ever had up to that point. I was living in sober living. I came clean when i walked in the door at 6 am after stayingout tweaking all night. I had to leave for 30 days and stay clean...i did and they let me move into another sober living home.....i stayed clean for a year and a half....then relapsed AGAIN.....once again experiencing a hell i did not nor could i concieve COULD even exist......this cycle continued for a total of 10 years......i used for roughly 3 years of those 10 years with each relapse becoming progresively worse....not only was my own addiction progressing but the very depths of society i sank to seemingly got worse and worse with each relapse,,,,,until with a almost supernatural certainty i would find myself in the worst meth scene of any town i was in everytime i relapsed....it was a certainty almost like gravity(the last year i used(2020) i knew 10 people personally who died directly from drugs, 5 from fent and 5 from meth related circumstances......two people died on the same day). I have been in countless rehabs, sober living homes, halfway houses....i have been to jail and the hospital, under psychiatric holds for meth induced psychosis....i have lived in abandon buildings and homes, shelters, tents.....i have surfed the couches of dope fiends for literal years at a time....aimless, desperate and hopelessly strung out.

Today my life is pretty normal. I feel good. Life does not look so ugly to me today. Im able to CHOOSE to do something with my life. I am at a place where people who did not know me but saw me in the depths of my addiction (like police and emts and hospital workers) would tell you it was impossible for me to be it......im okay today........but, like i said, getting off of meth and staying off of meth has not been some magic cure all.....and i still have my fair share of problems......but meth is not one of them and for that i am eternally grateful to my family and friends and god and other people whove been there along the way.

decided i need to quit when i opened my eyes and see what amphetamine sulfate aka eurospeed did to my health, my teeth mostly, quit cold turkey lasted barely not even 48 hours… pathetic

I’m not using heavily (10-15mg) dex a day and 2/3 coffees a day, but a few days ago i didn’t use it till late afternoon.. i relapsed cause i was literally a numb/lazy/fatigue corps😂, i’m also in very good shape and eat 80% of the time healthy and still get wrecked off it. Any tips? I also lack confidence issues when off it so i crave it way faster unfortunately

Hi guys,

After 1 year of daily use, I have stopped taking Concerta since July 2024 (3 months off)

• In the first few weeks, it was quite easy with mostly tiredness.
• The more time passes, the more it gets difficult : Panic disorder in situation I never had before, low dopamine etc ...
• Also, I still have a Crash at the end of the day similar to when I was taking the Concerta, even though I'm sober for 3 months ...

Did anyone experiences similar effects? Will I eventually get back to my dopamine baseline prior to taking Concerta?

Thanks

I thank God for waking me up another day, to make breakfast for my family and have silly conversations. The holidays are coming up and in my family that’s always been “my thing”. This year I’m going to give myself a break. I don’t want to be around my family being an imposter, I want to be around them being ME.

I looked back at some old pictures of me and I look so vibrant,so happy then. I’m still pretty but I always look tired and worn lately. Going on 3 months sober (I think I try not to obsess over counting the days) , still trying to gain some of the weight back. To not self isolate anymore.

I know it’s achievable. Cocaine took a lot from me and it still is even though I’m not actively using. But the urge to return to me is getting stronger every single day. My psychiatrist texted me this week and said “Promise me every day you will focus on looking FORWARD, no more looking back on the things that damaged you.”

I can’t wait to have extra money again to shop, check out restaurants, girls night. I’m a working professional and was letting myself be treated like nothing by ppl who didn’t give a shit whether I lived or died. Fuck them. Fuck cocaine.

The real motivation is my grandmother. She’s smoked cigarettes for 50+ years. They told her last week one more cigarette and she’ll lose her leg. She’s miserable but she said ain’t no cigarette worth her damn leg lol. If she can be that strong so can I.

TL;DR : Fuck cocaine.Its time to accept being sober and live my life. xo

I used Meth for 2 years on and off. Earlier this year , after a 4-5 month binge, i stopped cold turkey. My boyfriend also quit drinking the same day, for our relationship and each others health. We are now pregnant, sober and together. . Im a bit proud of myself for quitting and surprised at how easy it was to cut myself off. But i have a few things that are haunting me and im struggling to cope with.

The first thing is I keep having dreams/nightmares about using. I wake up really upset , and worried that I fucked up and put my baby in harms way. The other thing that's more bothersome are the fantasies about returning to use.

All I can think of are how many people during the days i most heavily used and how they all had children. I know damn well it never seemed right and they had endless and similar struggles with the parenting. I've seen kids ask their Mom for food and expect the party to be over and hours went by and I never was asked to leave nor did the Mom excuse herself to make a meal. I was kinda groomed by my Aunt into the drug life and introduced to it through her and know firsthand how that affected my youth and adulthood. I'm 27 now and was 16 when I was first introduced to coaine by her and then stimulants in my 20s. How could I possibly be thinking about returning to my use after getting blessed with a child and coming this far already doing good staying sober.

Have I not learned enough? Sometimes I have a short image of returning to use After I have the baby and I can just see it all; losing my boyfriend , isolating, and losing myself over again.

I'm still very early in the pregnancy so im hoping By the time I have the child these thoughts aren't still brewing in my mental. At the same time, I can see myself being sneaky and just continuing my habit. I've hid it before and I can see myself hiding it again, And I know that it always seems like I can keep it up. But I never can, if you know how that goes. I Feel bad so bad thinking about all this, it's almost as if I'm using again but I haven't.

The main fear i think i have is the thought that the only thing keeping me from relapsing is the baby. Why can't I be happy I stopped for myself as well? I need to wire my brain to feel like I deserve sobriety too. I need to remember I quit BEFORE I knew I was pregnant. I am proud that I stopped for myself, but worried I only am STAYING sober for the baby.

Today was the two week mark of my sobriety. For the past year, I've been getting my ass kicked by a meth addiction. I've lost everything and everyone, and then some. I hate what my life has turned into, and I hate that I'm alienated. So I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself, got my bum ass a job and told myself "We're not doing this. EVER AGAIN." The past two weeks was the best I've felt in a year. The people who hired me are extremely impressed by my work ethic, I started going to the gym again, I got my first paycheck and paid my bills with money I EARNED, I helped a random stranger at a gas station, I fetched a cart for an older woman at Walmart (when I'm using I'm very avoidant of other people and extremely self serving, big deal for me). I felt so good after the gym this morning that I thought to myself "this is better than a meth high." And it totally was! I relapsed today, and I knew it was going to make me feel like shit, I knew it was going to set be back to square one, my conscience was begging me not to do it but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I choose meth. Why? I have no support system. I don't go to meetings (my behavior while using has made most people hate me). How can someone get sober and stay sober without these vital components of sobriety? Is it even worth getting sober at this point or should I just give up and let the drugs take me? Thanks in advance.

Is it reasonable to plan on quitting meth as soon as this bag runs out? Or I could take everything and throw it in the dumpster and flush my dope down the toilet? I feel like this is silly question but will someone humor me, cuz I think this is something I trip over while I'm trying to navigate out of this fucked up addiction... I feel like I'm thrashing around in a kiddy pool like I'm drowning and it's like all I need to do is stand up but when I try to stand my legs are ????????

Hey all, I need to get this off my chest, and maybe some of you will understand. I’ve been on prescription Adderall for about a year now, at what seemed like a safe dosage of 10-15 mg (I've never gone more than 20 mg, but I take it most days of the week). I drink a lot of caffeine daily with it. In the beginning, it felt like a “honeymoon phase”—I felt more focused, productive, and even thought it made me look more put-together. But over time, I’m noticing that things have really changed, and it’s affecting me in ways I didn’t expect.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s affecting how others see me. Inevitably, no matter how good my diet is, how hydrated I am, or how much I exercise, I end up getting dark eye bags, my skin sags, and I look haggard. The meds made me think I was looking put-together for a while, in reality, I might just look “tweaked” out to other people. People seem to treat me differently, too—they’re rude, sometimes even dismissive, and I have no idea why. It’s made me feel so alone and anxious, like I’m somehow giving off a “tweaked” vibe without even realizing it.

The anxiety is another story. Over the past year, it’s gotten so much worse, and I didn’t even realize the role Adderall was playing. In the beginning, I felt sharp and confident, but now I find myself barely able to make eye contact with people, hyper focusing on things that don’t even matter—like how I smell, if I’m sweating, or if people can see that I look tired. In class, I’ll notice that I’m sweating uncontrollably, which makes my anxiety and smell worse, and people around me sometimes give off subtle signals, like sniffing or looking uncomfortable, and it makes me self-conscious. The social anxiety is almost unbearable now. Simple things, like making eye contact, feel impossible when I’m on Adderall. Walking to class has become torture because I feel like everyone is watching me, noticing that I look “off” somehow.

Nowadays, I’m also finding that Adderall doesn’t even help me focus on what I actually need to focus on. I’ll fixate on things like my appearance or tiny details, and once my mind settles on that it won't let me switch gears to what really matters, while school or productivity. I end up stimming, clenching my jaw, fidgeting, just to calm myself down, but people see that too, and it feels like they’re judging me for it. They seem uncomfortable around me when I’m like this, and it makes me depressed, honestly. I feel invisible, or worse—like I’m someone people actively want to avoid. It’s crazy how, on the days I’m off the meds, people treat me totally differently, even kindly. They don’t seem on edge around me, and I can actually feel normal.

I went off the meds for a couple of days, and it was like night and day. They seemed friendlier and more relaxed around me, which has me wondering: could they tell something was off about me on the meds, and I just didn’t realize it? They don’t seem on edge around me or weirded out. Has anyone else gone through this with stimulants? It’s honestly kind of shocking how much better people seem to treat me when I’m not taking them.

Hello everyone, I'm currently in recovery after a bad 6 months relapse. I'm now in a DOC center for addiction & it's not that great. I'd like to see if anyone would wanna chat so I have some like minded people to talk to if I'm going through, plus I need to find people to talk to in general lol if you're down please do. Thank you

i am 32 years old have taken 30mg of adderall for 7 years. i have been sober now for 97 days and my depression is still horrible

Gday from Australia,

I'm 27 Male and have been using meth since I was 18.

I've been trying to get this monkey off my back for years.

I have had infections, loss of friends and family, phsychosis, dealt the stuff, robbed people, stole anything that wasn't bolted down, homelessness and trauma packed.

My use progressed to a gram a day. Sleeping for two days a week max.

My life has been hard and hectic.

At 4 months one week clean I feel like recovery is possible.

I struggle every day, I crave from time to time. Feel anxious about what life will look like. But I see the light. I'm in a rehab that's pretty cool. I started playing videogames again, go out and do social shit and hit the gym hard.

My heart goes out to all of you, I know we can do this.

Just wanted to say the moderator suggestions / links really do work. There’s really no other way to get better. I’m about 5 months off of everything but coffee. Longer from stims specifically, but 5 months even off nicotine etc.

I feel really good / normal most of the time now so maybe I was one of the lucky ones. I have no tips/hacks etc that deviate from the suggested resources on this thread. Stay off, exercise, join NA, get a support system. I don’t think there’s any other way.

Thankful to this thread and rooting for each and every one of you.

Relapse again after 45 days. Not even one day and I am taking 60, 90 instead of 30 prescribed. The fucked up thing is it helped me Stop my binge cycle. And that helps my mental Health. But the rest is not worth it. Will I ever be happy again? I did this with booze and I’m 16 months sober. I know I need to do the work and get pay the first 90 days. I have a hard time not turning to sugar bc I’m exhausted and that spirals into the food stuff. What’s worked for you all? This shit should be banned. I guess the only silver lining is there’s no going back. This pill provides less than 2 days honeymoon period.

Been in recovery for meth for 4 years, and always wondered what the obstacles are for not having the same options of medication treatments like there is for opiates? The clinic I go to for my psych meds is used primarily for methadone therapy. Does anyone with better understanding of Pharmacology know why?

After battling a 200mg+ daily adderall addiction since 2019 I made the decision to jump off this rollercoaster of death and despair. With help over the last 10 months I’ve managed to stop using and have a month clean. But I’ve been here before and it’s where I’ve always lost my way because I’m not sure where to turn. I have no support where I live now but have been seriously considering NA or anything that will help me keep on the straight and narrow path forward. I don’t have ADHD or anything like that I’ve always done well in school I joined the military at 18 and spent eight years in special forces. In college some friends and I lived in this dumpy house off campus. The area was sketch and with my background id rather be paranoid than unprepared. It was a high crime area and long story short some guys thought it was just my two female roommates at home and forced their way into our house. I shot all three killing two of them in our living room. They were armed and it was ruled self defense but I struggle to deal with the reality of what had happened and it left me in a dark fucked up place. About six months later the doctor decided that adderall could be helpful and what I needed to help get me through. A “mood booster” he called it but instead it made everything worse. As to why a doctor thought it was a good idea to put someone who’s obsessed and struggling like I was on adderall beats me but I’m not a doctor. Skipping ahead on New Year’s Eve I had a complete mental breakdown years in the making and everything hit me at once. I parked my truck by the trail head leaving the keys behind grabbed my ID and handgun before hiking up for a few more miles. I was alone for as far as I could see, gazing at the stars i checked to make sure my ID was still in my pocket took in a deep breath and CLICK. It was the loudest sound I’ve ever heard felt like lightning hit me. Instantly I was the most sober I’d been in years terrified by the fact I was no longer in control of my mind. It was the wake up call I couldn’t ignore so I drove to the hospital told them the truth of what I’d been dealing with and got help. Admitted the truth was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. A friend had seen the look on my face and unloaded the gun right before I left. So when I thought no one gave a shit about me anymore thankfully I was wrong. I haven’t been able to muster up the courage to talk about this with anyone that knows me but I want to and figured sharing my story with random strangers who at least understand is still a step forward.

I’ve struggled with Adderall for years. After quitting, I accomplished so much and am currently in school for my dream career.

Despite all of my blessings I’ve fallen back into old habits. Would love to chat and hear some words of wisdom. Thanks

Cocaine became un-fun been sober 2 months. My mental health is getting worse; hearing voices, thinking ppl are following me, self-harming. My psychiatrist wants me to go back on Ambilify and I fucking hated it the first time I don’t know why he’s being so insistent. I have to pretend to be normal at work, my co-worker told me the other day that I don’t have to be so “hyper”. I literally just try to be friendly but now it’s over for that. I’ll just keep it professional. They prolly been talking shit about me or whatever. Then I try to be lively for my husband and kids. It’s tough and tiresome. I feel like the donkey from Winnie The Pooh. Idk what to do anymore.

I'm in my 40's and haven't taken any stimulants in ~2 years. I don't have any desire to use again, but I'm really only now coming to accept that my addiction really did trash my life for almost a decade, and I am rebuilding from almost-scratch. It's gotten really fucking hard lately and it would be nice to have people to talk to who really get it.

Is anyone in a similar place looking for a recovery buddy?

Ever since quitting Adderall (2 weeks ago), I’ve been struggling to motivate myself to do anything. I also have a very low mood. Is this normal? What have y’all done to combat it? I’m on the highest dose of Wellbutrin & it’s not helping much.

I have a lot of really good things going on for myself in life right now and for some reason I still relapsed about 6 hours ago and didn’t even think twice about just saying no.

I don’t have many people in my real everyday life to talk to about my addiction or my struggles. Or even my accomplishments I guess…. I know I should network and find my people but it’s like last thing I want to do for some reason.

I’m disappointed in myself I think but at the same time I’m not upset either so yeah I guess I don’t even know what’s going on or what i should do next.

Anyways lol, I hope everyone has a good day and I’m dreading the walk of shame home at almost 6am I’m about to make right now.

TL/DR an accountability post about the start of my final attempt to live life without adhd meds.

I've made this post because I want to hold myself accountable.

I've been trialing/taking a few differing prescribed stimulants for the last 15 months (lisdexampetamine and various versions of Dex, some compounded and differing strengths).

I've recently seen how negatively they've been affecting my quality of life. I've not abused them throughout this time, but I've still seen the negatives encroach on my already poor quality of life after the initial honeymoon period.

Although I've witnessed improvement when stopping taking them within about a week, I find myself taking them again. Typical dopamine chaser I guess... never feeling happy enough and when I'm feeling better, I want to feel even better (taken less then prescribed, but still dopamine chasing if I'm honest).

In being fair to myself, I have recently quit smoking cigarettes and all forms of nicotine which has caused its own fatigue etc symptoms. I have also struggled more with concentration due to taking adhd meds, and part of my weakening has been due to wanting to focus for a while. It's a vicious cycle I've realised, even at low doses.

Anyway, I've currently got about a full script worth of Dex and for some reason, even though I know that I want to leave this chapter behind me, I just can't seem to bring myself to flush them down the toilet just yet. I know why this is; it's because they're really difficult to get legally and it involves a lot of waiting time and costs to see medical professionals to get the paperwork for them etc.

At the end of the day, all the above reasons not to have flushed them yet, I don't really care about. The only reason that really matters, is that if they've been flushed, if I'm having a particularly flat/down day, I won't have the medication to have a dose.

It's crazy right; I had chronic fatigue before I started trialing adhd meds. I know that I'm going to have days/weeks of not being able to move from my couch, I just need to man up and do what needs to be done. Flush those fuckers down the toilet where they belong. As I wrote that, I noticed some moisture start to appear on my eyes. Something that I'm also over, is the loss of emotional expression (except for frustration lol).

Just because I've struggled with dysthymia for most of my life and anhedonia in recent years, it's no excuse to keep leaning on this crutch which is only taking me further from where I want to be in the long run. One step forwards when I take it, to end up two steps backwards from my endpoint destination of being as happy as I'm ever going to be.

In the coming week or two I imagine, I'll muster the strength to flush them all. Heck, even if it takes a month, this post is day 1 no adhd meds and I will not weaken again. I've been mostly off them for about a month now, weakening for a day or two each week. 3 months ago, I stopped taking benzos, they weren't helping me anymore either. Just flushed them down the toilet as my dose was thankfully low enough to be able to just jump off them.

I'm no stranger to the recovery scene, I still carry what I learned during that time, I cherish some of my memories of that chapter in my life (before being officially diagnosed, stims were not my d.o.c), but returning to meetings is not for me but all the more power to anyone going that route!

Even though my dose has been low and I've not abused my medication, I've had other mental health issues including protracted psychosis, that had been and will continue to hamper my rate of recovery, I know that I need to be patient with myself.

I'm really glad that I made this post, I really needed to do it. I was happier before I started trialling them and I was in despair, so that should speak volumes. Even though I'm more emotionally blunted then I've ever been, due to the meds, I've been more over life recently, than I ever had been prior.

I'm not looking for any accountability buddies.

Having said this, if anyone vibed reading this and is on their own journey, feel free to comment how you're doing, what's working for you, not working for you, I don't mind, I know the struggle; I've come off of heavier addictions than minor adhd med use, before.

Thank you for reading about my latest decision to surf life's waves clean. My circumstances are now vastly different. I've got no real reasons to be unhappy. Familial relationship dynamics are a bit fucked but many people's are.

It's up to me to get this done so that I can finally pursue my life, days lived in the moment and without the lingering regret for so many years wasted.

Edit: perma banned because cheetah is a sanctimonious douche.

I’ve been told not to block numbers from people who I used with, as then I’ll have an avenue to hook up in a week moment by looking up my blocked list. I would love to read what this group thinks. Had a dude text me today and my brain went right into a downward spiral. Delete the number but don’t block it? 🙃

Do voices that developed during a meth binge or use typically go away after getting clean?

Sorry for double posting but I just remembered this community and how much it helped me during a really difficult time in my life. I posted on Day 1 (old account) about dumping my pills into used kitty litter on 8/19/2020 and that was the last time I used. For context this was after maybe 8ish years of use.

My life has honestly never been better. I can do SO much now that I never thought I would have the energy for. I stay out until 3AM dancing with friends (sober!!). I ran a marathon. And recently, after working full time and taking classes and studying for the MCAT all at once, I have been accepted to an MD program.

It took a lot of time and being gentle with myself to reach this point. The first time I went to college, I thought I needed adderall to study or be social or do anything really. I remember once walking all the way to class, realizing 10 minutes in that I hadn't taken my meds, and walking back out because I figured there was no point in even trying.

My grades are better now because, guess what: it turns out I was actually playing on hard mode all of those years! I was chronically sleep deprived and not eating enough. I felt like a husk of myself but yeah, if I took 2-3x my prescribed dose, I could study all night.

Honestly, I am scared shitless sometimes about what I'm getting myself into. I hear things like "every med student is using stimulants to study" and wonder if I am going to fall back into it. But then I remind myself of how much I accomplished without it, how much better I feel all around. And I know that I will be achieving my dream just as I am now.

If you're quitting, and it's hard, and you're wondering if you permanently fucked up your brain - this is your sign to keep going. Fuck getting back to baseline - you can come out of this experience ABOVE where you started. It takes serious strength to stick with it, and that will spill over into every other aspect of your life. When every day is just slightly better than the last, it adds up. Just give it time.

Just a warning if you haven't seen it: this movie is very much body horror so know what you're getting yourself into if you decide to watch it! Also, spoilers ahead.

I saw this movie last night and can't stop thinking about it. Basically, the main character is an aging actress who is offered a drug that will make her young and beautiful for 7 days at a time. After 7 days, she has to switch back to her "real" self. It's a fascinating (and tragic and gross and sometimes funny) commentary on beauty standards, but I also found that it summed up speed addiction perfectly.

MAJOR spoilers so turn back now if you want to watch it (which I highly recommend): the main character initially follows the rules of the substance, switching back and forth every 7 days. However she begins to abuse the drug by "stealing" bits of time from her real self, staying in "hot" mode for a few extra hours. The result is her real self starting to deteriorate (physically and mentally) as the balance is disrupted. And the more her real body falls apart, the more time she spends in the hot body to avoid the consequences. Which leads to even more deterioration... rinse and repeat.

It is just uncanny how they showed small decisions like "just a little bit more" snowballing into full blown addiction. Like the first time I took an extra half of a pill "just this once" eventually turned into taking multiple pills a day and eventually having to deal with the results of that when my refill eventually ran out.