Welcome to /r/Polyamory!

What do your long term relationships look like with non nesting partners? Is it something you specifically decided against for your relationship? Has it just never been a motivation? How often do you see them?

I (Walnut) (45f) have been seeing my LDR partner Yoshino (63m) since October. He’s been quite keen to meet my NP Ginko (48m) for a few months. I’ve been gone on work travel. However, Yoshino happened to be coming into town while I was gone. Yoshino and Ginko planned and met for dinner (I did nothing other than provide them with contact info) while I was gone. It went smashingly well. They both regaled me with positive tales about each other. They are now calling themselves Team Walnut, which is adorable. I ended up getting sick on work travel and so they coordinated bringing me things to soothe my stomach that Ginko had gotten for me and collecting me from the airport (Yoshino did this) so that Ginko could get some things ready at home since I was feeling bedraggled. It was all very sweet and I felt so extremely loved and cared for, as well as pleasantly surprised that they got together, coordinated their own meet up and all of this with me literally being uninvolved. It’s sweet. I am waking up this morning still sick, but feeling very loved.

Throwaway because. I am stupid and messed up. Just want to vent mainly.

My NP Ash and I have practiced polyamory for a few years and have both had other partners. I always practice safe sex. Usually. Except I was careless with my newest partner Beech and now I'm pregnant. Based on the date of conception it is almost certainly Beech and not Ash. Beech is not ready to be a father. Ash does not want to raise any more children. I was uncertain about more children (I am a mother already) - but the whole situation makes me feel like the only choice is to terminate.

It's early, I have an appointment with a clinic and termination is legal where I live.

I'm such a huge mix of emotions. I know I need to be a lot more careful moving forward :(

Hi guys,

I feel like I have made a huge mistake. A couple of weeks ago I broke up with my partner, it was mutual and what we both wanted as neither of us were happy but I think I was wrong and ruined something very special.

So, context:

I am very new to poly and it was not something I had previously considered until I met her but I was open to it. I did a lot of learning around it and tried my best with it all and felt like I was growing increasingly more secure. Anyway, a month or so ago my mental health completely dipped and I just felt like I could not reach security in myself and in the relationship. I was really open about this with her and said this was making polyamory really hard. I felt like I was inferior, or at least secondary (something that for me wouldn’t work) to the other partner. I said to them that whilst I was working on becoming more secure (therapy etc) I would like it if she could plan a date for us but she said she couldn’t do that. I also asked if we could have some separation between the relationships. I explained that I felt that the other partner was very present in our connection and I just wanted some mental space away from it and to focus on us and myself. I asked her to not share intimate details of their relationship with me and to be mindful of how much she spoke about her to me. I explained this would just be for the next few weeks whilst I build up my self worth and emotional capacity. I asked her how she felt about this boundary and she was fine with it, but I kept feeling like it was being crossed, with her telling me about their relationship worries and sex-adjacent things. Now I look back I can see how this may have been an unfair ask and how it could feel repressive as the other relationship is important to her and I asked her to keep it from me.

ANYWAY - I’m feeling a lot better and more secure. I can’t work out if it’s because I’m not in the relationship or I’m healing. I feel like I made a huge mistake asking for the date and setting a temporary DADT boundary and should have just focused on myself. Before this we had a great relationship and i wish I could redo it. What should I do?

I have been a polyamorous quad for about a year now. One of us is long distance and it has been very challenging, because all of us have been financially struggling heavily the entire time.

It’s hard to see each other, and spending time together is always tense because it always ends up in spending money we don’t have room to. Weird tension of who’s gonna put what on their card, for things we all have to pay on. This LDR partner also never feels they get the level of attention they really want, because everyone proximal is so burnt out and overworked. So there’s been a lot of conflict, and it’s been basically nonstop for weeks, especially between one of my partners (A) and the LDR partner. Partner B is supportive, but mostly sides with Partner A on everything they say. Sometimes I disagree with both of them, and see where LDR partner is coming from, but it’s escalated to where LDR partner has basically only told me they’re heavily considering leaving. This is tough because I’ve been on the fence about leaving for months.

I had a lot of frustration when our LDR partner was taken on by Partner A as a more committed relationship, because I knew from jump they wouldn’t have the time or space to really give that person what they want in a relationship. Me and LDR partner ended up becoming nonplatonic bc we all started hooking up, but I feel our relationship has mostly been as metas and still is. I’m fine with this, but lately they’ve been confiding in me about their resentments and conflicts with partner A and B, and it’s been rough because I see what they mean and have felt many of the same conflicts with my two proximal partners. At the same time, while I’ve thought about leaving for a while, I never end up doing it because I start thinking of the giant hole in my life from losing all three people who I spend every day with suddenly. They have been like family even though I often feel unseen or deprioritized due to constant conflict, esp since LDR partner entered and has felt the same way.

Everyone I talk to in more depth tells me to move on, but there is no psychological resource on processing the layers of grief that come with something like this. I’m also not in great mental health and have a seizure disorder that flairs up with stress, and I don’t have any local support or call people beyond my partners, so I’m scared of my life spiraling heavily if I do make the decision to leave, and not really having any net to catch me if I get really sick. I’m scared, and constantly crying in private when I’m at my partners because every time it feels like it’s the last. And they have no idea I feel this way. And now I’m seeing LDR partner be fake about how they feel too and it gives me the ick and makes me want to leave more if they don’t go through with how much they’re talking about breaking up. And some part of me wishes they would and hangs on to hope things might be easier at home, but they also might not break up and things will likely be conflict laden for many months more. And I worry it will turn into playing chicken with each other of who’s gonna break up first and deal with the aftermath, and just hope things will improve.

I (29X) am currently dating someone new (27X) who is new to polyamory. Them unlearning monogomous conditioning and being in the process of getting off the relationship escalator has had an impact on our relationship. It's made them sometimes make decisions or do things because 'they thought they were expected', to only afterwards realize they actually want to do it differently. Which, on the one hand, is super cool to witness the whole unlearning and discovering what they actually want. And on the other hand, being so closely involved, it inevitably takes me along on the rollercoaster. Luckily our communication is really strong, so we're always able to talk about it. It however doesn't take away that it can be a rollercoaster and without meaning to hurts my feelings sometimes because of all the confusion that comes along with being in the process of figuring things out.

Do you think it's possible in some way to be less swept along on the rollercoaster? Because besides that it's really nice with this person. I'm curious about everyones opinion and also personal experiences with this!

I came out to the last family member today! He was chill (i knew he would be) and we carried on having a normal phone conversation for an hour afterwards.

So now I have my lovely partner, my beloved FWB and my QPP and I dont have to be cagey about any of it!! Its so nice and I'm so happy and heck yeah it took 15 years to get here but I made it!

Anyone else tired? Lately I've been noticing my sex life taking a hit, because I'm tired. I know my partners think I'm hot. But it doesn't feel hot for my ego, when myself and whomever are barely putting effort or lacking rhythem. Because we are tired. Generally my sex drive is pretty high. But I feel like I'm losing my mojo. It doesn't feel sexy...

Lately, I wish my partners would just hold me and sleep. Previously I've had the ability to get motivated to invigorate the sex even when I'm tired, but lately not so much. It's weighing on me that it could mean, I'm not as attractive anymore to my partners... ...

I hope this is only a phase ...

I (25M) broke up with my (22M, I will call him X) ex and his (22M, I will call him Y) primary partner due to his inability to clearly define our relationship dynamic. I have not been able to stop ruminating and am seeking advice or support because googling "how to deal with heartbreak" only gives me articles for mono people.

I will preface this by saying I am an autistic man w/ C-PTSD and generally need to discuss things multiple times to "get it". It was very important to me that our relationship dynamic was clearly defined because not having it defined was a cause of great stress in past relationship experiences.

When I met X around a year ago, we hit it off and he said that he wanted things to be "all 3 of us" meaning kids, a house, the whole thing. He said early on that he was going to marry Y and I had no issue with this as they were together longer and I didn't want my finances entangled. All of that was fine and to me meant X wanted a triad.

Y at the beginning of my relationship with X had another partner who X constantly belittled and put down. Y eventually broke up with his partner and that's when X seemed to draw away from me and redirect all his relationship energy to Y.

Fast forward to Y and I getting to know each other and getting very close very quickly. We became really good friends, and eventually started kissing with X's knowledge and permission. X defined that he didn't want us doing sexual things without him present, which we both agreed to -- and Y broke. Y began touching me and I let it happen for longer than I should. I immediately told X about this. Boundaries were put in place and Y and I became strictly friends.

Things went smoothly until X and Y got so drunk and sick one night that X asked me to sleep next to Y - something that had not happened since the sexual incident. It put me into a C-PTSD episode and I removed myself from the vicinity. X and Y got very mad at me for this and said I should have been focused on helping them instead of worrying about sleeping arrangements. X then proceeded to tell me how this was an example of me never considering him or how my actions affect people.

I broke up with X around 3 weeks ago because we got in a huge argument about defining the relationship. I stated that my wants had not changed, and I still wanted a triad when he was ready - something Y had also expressed. X then went on to insist that he didn't know what he wanted anymore and that I shouldn't have to have things be equal or clearly defined. This made me upset as he knew I needed things to be clearly defined. He then proceeded to tell me that he loved me but that I would never be as important to him as Y and that he had not trusted me at all since the sexual incident with Y (which he had never brought up and refused to talk about). X said I was focused too much on equality and that my relationship with X would never be to the level of his relationship with Y. I expressed my need for holding hands in public, kissing in front of Y, and wanting X to sleep with me without Y present when I moved in. X got upset and his justification for this is that he was trauma-bonded to Y and that because of everything X&Y had been through, I would just have to be okay with not having those things.

I have been in mental and emotional turmoil for weeks. I feel broken. I feel defeated. I blocked all of the parties involved and have not spoken to them since. I said I wished him love and peace as he proceeded to tell me everything I fucked up: that I was self-absorbed, that I expected things from him even after I had hurt him, etc. I have been berating myself because I'm not sure if he's right. I have been seeing a mental health professional every few days to help cope with this.

I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has been in a similarly messy situation and pulled through okay. I'm also asking if my actions to protect myself were self-absorbed and if I was in the wrong. I have honestly been so shaken by this experience that I am reconsidering polyamory for myself (I've been polyam for 6 years). I loved X very much and I loved Y too, even if we all fucked up and made mistakes. Despite X's insistence of me being jealous of Y, I absolutely was not and felt like I was just asserting my needs for equality in the relationship. Please offer advice or breakup resources?

I guess this is more of a rant than anything, part of the difficulty in my poly journey has been a real lack of people that I can talk to about this stuff, other than my partner.

My partner and I have been together for almost a decade.

A year and a half ago she came to me wanting to open up. She had someone in mind, probably more than one. I had been in poly relationships before, but the stakes were lower because it didn't involve my life partner. So I said yes, with some concern, but with the expectation that we would talk through any problems and let nothing get in the way of our life and relationship. My concerns were about how she would have an endless stream of guys interested in her, and I would struggle to even find a single partner. This has mostly held up to be true. What little interest I have garnered has not been with people I am attracted to. This seems to be a fairly common dynamic and gripe about how one-sided ENM can be.

So she starts doing overnight/weekend trips to see him. She tells me some of the details. I thought it was pretty hot and we had some of the best sex we've ever had. I was okay with it because even though she was the active one, it felt like we were doing it together as a couple - as a project not in a sexy way.

After a few months things fizzle with him, he does/says some stuff that puts her off and puts him into her friend zone.

Not long after she finds someone she had met before, they have chemistry and hook up.

This was a problem for me because the one thing I asked for was no surprises. She travels often and I didn't want the added stress of thinking every time she was out of town she might be hooking up with someone new. This keys into some unresolved, but up until now manageable, anxiety about having been cheated on numerous times. The first relationship worked because it was consensual, this didn't feel that way.

I didn't take that news well, and that is where things started going downhill.

A few days later she uninvited me to go to the next festival, one I was supposed to go to, because he would be there. They hook up again, and have been having what seems like a pretty amazing long distance relationship ever since.

She goes and sees him, usually for a 7-10 days. They have amazing romantic adventures, things that I know really move her, and what appears to be a lot of just fun and NRE. Meanwhile I'm at home, swiping on the apps, alone taking care of our house and our cats.

We have fought a lot, nothing crazy, maybe some raised frustrated voices and a careless word or two that were hurtful. We had never fought before, we always resolved everything by talking through it. When things were bad before we always came out stronger on the other side. We have done a lot of processing, some of it fruitful, some of it just that sort of circular talk where you go back and forth for hours and nothing moves.

She is some shade of demi, the kind where she isn't sexually interested unless things are holistically sound. I don't begrudge her that, I totally respect her sexual autonomy. She says she has lost her connection to me mostly because I don't want to hear about all the awesome things she is doing with him. Without that connection, there is no chance at physical intimacy.

We had sex twice not too long after they hooked up, and now it's been going on 9 months and we haven't even touched eachother in a sexual manner. Like I said above, totally her perogative. But it is killing me. I've seen the bruises and marks when she comes home. She hasn't told me what they get up to, and I'm not sure I want to know, but I know enough that she is having hotter sex with him than she has ever had with me. I've told her that was my guess, she didn't deny it. I can deal with jealousy up to a point, but not when I'm being frozen out and some other person is hurtful in ways I didn't expect. I feel old, fat, unattractive, even if externally those things aren't true, they sure feel that way. My self esteem is at an all time low. I also feel like a bit of a cuckold, which is fine if that's your thing but it isn't a kink I have, it feels like humiliation to me.

So I'm resentful of the sex they are having and we are not. I'm depressed, and frankly I wouldn't want to fuck me at this point either. There is so much pain and water under the bridge at this point that I don't know if we can recover. The kicker is now I don't really want to have sex with her anymore either. I mean on a physical level I do, but I don't think I can even go there without trying to compare it in my head to her other relationship.

There have been other things, but mostly it feels like the universe trying to tell me something. Oh look, her flight got delayed, she has to spend another night with him. Oh look, there is some special thing happening within a few hours drive of him that means it makes sense for her to stay with him, or stretch out her trip. Every single chance for her to spend more time with him she takes, and when you are looking for or manifesting those chances there are a lot of them.

So I just fail at poly. Obviously I still have some issues around jealousy and I haven't done all of 'the work'. But I thought the unresolved parts would be something my partner and I would work together on as couple, with love and support. I thought we could face anything, because up until now we have faced death and loss beyond measure, only to be stronger because of it.

So now, as I'm pushing into middle age I am faced with the reality of walking away from the love of my life. Selling our house, losing the life that we've built together. I'm not suicidal, but the depression is real and honestly I have trouble imagining life on the other side.

I can just swallow the feelings. Pick her up from the airport, hug her, kiss her, pretend like I haven't been miserable thinking about her and him. Don't mention it. Listen to all her stories with support. Maybe if I pretend hard enough it will actually lead to a reconnection. I know that is magical thinking, but I know she loves me and I know I love her. Maybe that is the important thing, the most important thing.

Maybe we can pull it off. I have to believe that.

For the first time in my life I have three local partners - i'm feeling the overwhelm! Not to complain but phew how will i care for all these relationships plus my own do's and friends with only 7 days in a week... One NP of 10 yrs one partner of 4 years and now a new relationship. I do feel really lucky but scared I will end up over-committing and hurting people's feelings if i'm stretched too thin... How do I guard my time?

This is kind of messy for me emotionally. I’ve always been polyamorous but I’ve had almost zero actual good experiences. My fiancee and I have been dating each other pretty exclusively except for a long distance boyfriend on my end that predates my engagement (not actively seeking other relationships because we’re both pretty busy and tired) for about three years now.

But recently we both developed a crush on one of our friends. My fiancee got overenthusiastic and confessed to her for both of us, mostly against my wishes. She doesn’t like me and only likes my fiancee. Now they’re dating.

But watching NRE can be pretty hard on a good day and right now it feels like having salt rubbed in the wound of the rejection constantly. I’m glad they’re happy really for real and it’s really cute but like damn it really hurts right now, especially when my fiancee - who is not necessarily the most attentive partner to me a lot of the time anyway, she’s great in most other aspects she’s just a zoomer who is always on that damn phone and is still unlearning the Catholic Emotional Repression she was raised with but we’ve made a lot of progress in the past couple years - ignores me to text her constantly.

I’ve also solely to this point only ever been abused by metamours and had them manipulate our shared partners to abuse me. I know my friend won’t do that and we’re still friends but I’m suddenly like, terrified of her and my fiancee isn’t very supportive about it. Plus stuff is weird now because of her knowing about my crush on her.

I just don’t really know how to get through this and feel better. Trying to talk to my fiancee about it is like trying to talk to a brick about it, but if the brick was on its phone the whole time. Most advice on this situation is from people who don’t know or like their metamours but I know mine better than my fiancee does and we’re pretty good friends, it’s the getting rejected by my crush and then dealing with my partner and crush ignoring me to be affectionate with each other and not really being able to get space from it that’s really hard. I know it’s not a permanent state of things but I need to get through the right now.

To be clear: The aspect I’m struggling with is the complicated situation of having my metamour be someone I have a crush on who rejected me, but we are still friends and she is now dating my fiancee (who I live with) but not me and they have a lot of NRE right now which I want to find super cute but the pain of being rejected is getting in the way. Oof ouch what do how to move on so I can just be happy for them.

Edited for extra clarification. I am also financially dependent on my fiancee so just leaving isn’t an option for me even if stuff was that bad. My life isn’t terrible (in this aspect) I’m just kinda real down in the dumps about stuff right now.

I’m very new to poly relationships and I’m pretty sure my first one just ended.

So I met and fell in love with an amazing man, he has a primary partner in his wife and I was happy to be his secondary. We saw each other a few times a week, sometimes a weekend but never really had sleep overs which I was fine with. I’d been single so long before him I didn’t feel like I needed a huge amount of his time. Anyway about four months in his wife ended it abruptly without warning and forbid any communication. That was a few weeks ago now and during that time we did end up messaging, because how could we not right? I at least deserved some explanations and closure. He was trying to negotiate some compromise so i got hopeful and she eventually agreed to us seeing each other again with these rules

• No messaging during their time
• Visit one day a week for a couple hours after work, with 24 hrs notice to her and if she’s not feeling well he has to cancel
• Condoms must be used, note we’ve never used them and they are sleeping with others unprotected
• She has to be able to see my social media to make sure I’m not posting pics with hI’m

Is it just me or is that totally unreasonable and kind of crazy? I’ve said no because I have too much self respect but wanted another perspective for a sanity check on it.

So I’ve known I was polyamorous/indifferent to monogamous relationships for a 5-6 years now. It’s always been something I’ve brought up to new partners in a I don’t really care but it is something about me I want romantic/sexual partners to know kinda way. I’ve had a couple polyamorous relationships in the past, some more ethical than others. I kinda gave up on it because I kept falling for monogamous people. Cue current SO, we have been dating for a little over a year we have the most open communication relationship I have ever had, she knows I’m polyamorous. We were LDR in the beginning and tried an open relationship but I was in a new relationship fog. I wasn’t being a good partner so we closed the relationship. Now a year later after several conversations, she’s got a meta, and I’m so happy. I’m closeish to her meta but it’s more of they just mesh well, so I’ve been around. For right now we’re keeping a lid on it since they literally just started dating a few days ago. I’m just so happy because her face lights up when talking about them, and she is just so happy about the situation in general. We’re going to play some video games with a group of friends including her meta, things are just really nice right now.

Backstory: my LDR gf and I (21F) have been childhood friends and reconnected a few months back, ended up dating. We’ve been together for some time now and recently just started having the average bumps in our relationship (you know where the honeymoon phase starts to fall). We’ve communicated well and worked through our issues but she’s been hesitant to mention one thing, which she finally did today. It’s also important to note that my gf and I are both bisexual but she has been with men physically and relational and I have not. She told me recently that’s she’s felt unsatisfied with intimacy lately because she misses the behaviors/actions men have but it has nothing to do with me. She said sex with men and women are very different. I asked her if there’s anything I can do to improve or maybe we could try new things but she declined stating we’ve already done that. She said ultimately the choice is up to me but it is becoming an overwhelming issue for her but has recently been decreasing. I don’t know much about open relationships so I tried to go into the conversation with as much openness as possible. When we discussed it, she explained it as wanting to be able to explore her sexual desires with other people for a short term period. I guess it just hurts that she has no interest in wanting to explore that with me but instead with other people. She said that sex and loving someone don’t correlate for her and she’s able to have a relationship with me and still be able to hook up with guys. I suggested that if she wanted to explore relations with other people then We can break up, and what happens happen. But she said no, that is not what she wanted and she loved me. Ultimately, If that was the missing piece to satisfy her in the relationship then she would like an open one moving forward but if I wanted monogamy she would understand, again with the risk of that unsatisfaction building up and us breaking up anyway. I feel like if I don’t say yes to the open relationship I’ll end up losing her anyways as she’ll eventually just want to explore anyway.

With all of that, I don’t know how to feel about open relationships but I’ve been trying to do research on it to avoid stigmatizing topic with non-monogamous relationships compared to society norms. Im not completely opposed to the idea but I don’t even know where to begin trying to find a happy medium, like what I should look into or how to bring it up with her. I’m just confused.

Say I’m single right now, someone comes along where I am down to be partners with. Would they be offended if I tell them I would like to date them even though I don’t think I’d see them as a potential nesting partner?

I had a yeast infection/BV that has been reoccurring every month and have been trying to get rid of it (only started having them with my current partner). Needed some support from him but he is spending time with meta because it's her birthday so I could not have a quick video call, and I respect their time together so I told him to enjoy his time with meta. He did not offer to reschedule it to another time and I did not request for it because he may be spending the next few days with meta (I don't know if he will be).

While I know this is not an emergency and should be understanding of the situation, I can't help but feel unimportant, that he will never be available whenever I needed support. I do not have another partner currently but am actively looking. But if I'm unfulfilled with my current partner, will having another one help?

I am also tired of always initiating good morning texts (I stopped goodnight texts), missing him when he doesn't miss me (he rarely says it), being considerate when he has to reschedule plans (to meet his friends), getting him his favorite food etc. I feel like I am investing too much in this relationship but I can't help it. I would give him everything if I could but everytime I think about how my feelings and efforts feel one sided, I feel sad. Time together is bliss but time apart is..I used to feel longing, now I just feel disconnected. I flew back into the country today and he didn't even wish me a safe flight..while I bought him his favorite snack.

I want someone to be there for me when I need them, to hold me and comfort me. I told myself to give some time to try poly but deep down do I actually want monogamy? This is my first relationship ever so I've never tried monogamy, but can't help thinking that maybe I'm just not suited for poly?

Any advice is appreciated.

Ive had an interstate fwb for 2 years, we meet when I'm in his town. I identify as poly and he identifies as ENM. We're both partnered. We text a LOT, like most days almost always of a sexual nature. We say we love each other and we intend to continue into the future. We have arguments and repair.

But I have a nagging feeling that he's a bit outside his relationship agreement in our emotional attachment, and that I'm going to get hurt by some boundary that hasn't been explained to me. I'm satisfied with the level of our relationship, but I dont think he'd even want to call it a relationship. There's a disparity between the effort I put in, and there's communication issues, but when it's good it's so good. Where do you consider the line between poly and enm?

I F(21) am in a poly relationship and it’s going on 2 months in may. I do live with them both but it’s due to familial circumstances which is why it’s so early on in the relationship. i’ve been physically romantically alone since forever so being in a relationship like this is fairly new for me.

the thing is I miss being in my room and being on my phone for hours , being in my own car and sitting there while watching movies or tiktok’s, being able to listen to music without someone worrying if something is wrong with me. I miss not having to explain why i’m quiet or just overall being alone. I do love them and want to be in a relationship with them but I miss being able to go home in my own room and just recharge.

right now my car has been totaled and have no way of transporting myself when it’s needed I have to depend on my boyfriend for rides. so I’m quiet literally at the house all day. i’m grateful for them opening their doors welcoming me but goodness if I could be in my own vicinity and breathe my own air that would be great.

am I wrong for feeling this way ?

I meet a guy who is in an open marriage & he wants to start seeing me. However I have never been involved in this situation like this before. I have no problem with their marriage being open but I still feel so god damm wrong about what I’m doing. He wants to take me on a date & I keep pushing it off out of fear but would really like to try it out & see if we connect. Any advice?

Hi there! Im wondering if anyone can relate to the situation I’m in. I (30s,F), have been with my husband (30s,M) for about 15 years and we were monogamous until about a year ago. What started as a flirtation and then a couple threesomes with a friend (30s,F) has become a V with him as the hinge. She and I are extremely close, it’s something more like Sharing the Kitchen poly vs KTP. Their relationship is label-free, but significant. He spends every other night in each home and we are frequently (daily, honestly) in each other’s homes as well. She has children ranging from 8-2, and that is where my question lies. For the older end of that range in particular, we don’t know what to say or when to say it or how much to divulge. Nobody is comfortable continuing to hide certain aspects of their relationship (for example when he sleeps there he has to leave before the kids are awake and the come back, pretending he has just arrived to help get them out the door for school). The kids know he and I as a married couple, which is why we’ve taken this approach so far, mostly because it’s what my meta has been most comfortable with. But things are reaching a point where their relationship can’t continue in darkness. We’re all aware too that telling the kids means telling family, and that it will probably be a big deal and not go over super smoothly. There is hesitation at that prospect. So…anyone been in a similar situation?What do we do? What should we consider?

I'm very open about my poly life to my closest friends and it always makes me a bit sad when they just don't get it.

Like today I grabbed dinner with a friend and I mentioned that my partner and meta recently broke up. I told him that my partner is going through it but is generally doing ok. My friend's response was "Yeah but aren't you a little glad the other guy is gone?"

I was taken aback. Of course I'm not glad my meta is gone. I find it tragic that they broke up. They really loved each other. We were planning to go the three us to a wedding in June and it makes me sad that my meta won't be joining us anymore. How could I ever be glad that my partner is in pain right now? Mono people just don't get it. I know my friend will never understand, but I wish he one day would.

Hey,

I'm writing a text because I want to know what other people may think about my relation and where it sounds healthy or not. I find really hard to be lucid while being involved (and depressed/lost in life).

I've been with my girlfriend for one year now. She define her love system with relationship anarchy. When we meet, she had a girlfriend and some "sporadic boyfriends", mainly romantic only. We didn't really took the time to talk about how our relation was working, about boundaries...

Now, I am her main relation, with her girlfriend. She even moved in my city for me. I do not date anyone as I'm depressed and hardly interested in other romantically or sexually. She sometimes meets new people, in tantric and sex-positive communities mainly. It leads to sexual and/or romantic interaction. She often keep texting to her partner, even if she doesn't see them often. So she text many hours per day.

When she meets someone, she tells me afterward what happened, how she felt and ask me how I feel about it. We never set boundaries so she does what feels good to her. Actually she wouldn't limit herself for me, but she is there to take care of how I feel afterward. But afterward, if I feel bad I may not know what to ask her in order to take care of me and she doesn't know what to say more except facts. Also, it's hard for me to see when insecurities come from relation or from me because I'm depressed and often feel empty.

She sometimes doesn't tell me she is gonna see someone as it doesn't look important compared to our relation in her mind. She lives life how it comes and we never talked about how it could work otherwise. Since yesterday and for 3 days, she is with a boy she meet in a sexpositive movement. I learned it the day before. She texted me that she sleeps with him and spend a nice moment in his place. I feel bad about it, and I was depressed even without knowing she was gonna spend time with him.

I talked to her about my insecurities. She talked to the boy about my insecurities because she wants to take care. They both conclude that I could make request to make her date easier to me (even if she doesn't look really free while being with him).

As we are really close, she tells me everything that happens with everyone, as she tells me everything that happens in her week. Also she has not "structure" or "rules", she always listen her heart to whatever she does, trying to be the most respectful as possible for others.

I writed this tonight because I feel bad, it's hard to know her with this guy while I'm depressed. It's like if I wanted to ghost her despite I love her. I won't, I guess it's like a compensation because I didn't listen enough my self and don't understand what happens to me.

Just to add, I don't always feel insecure about her meetings. It depends on how it happens, the new person and how I feel myself and in the relation. She feels really secure about me and feels like we will love ourself forever. Whereas I feel depressed easely.

I want to know. I have so many questions. Does it look healthy ? Can we do something to be happier in the relation ? Is it normal to never have set boundary ? Are my insecurities normal or am I better with monogamy ? Is it normal to share every details of her interactions with me ? Am I respecting myself ? Should I meet someone else so I may let her more space and be less dependant ? Are polyamory and depression compatible ? Can doing what we want and take care afterward be okay ? Why it may be so hard for me ?...

Tell me what comes in your mind and I can answer to your question if necessary.

Thanks community

I feel like people dating me only see me as an "in between" or a "rebound" because I'm poly and they think I'm easy, or that I won't have any expectations, because I already have a NT. Sometimes people treat me like I don't have feelings and it's hard.

Well, breaking news... I'm not poly because I don't have feelings, I am poly because I have A LOT of feelings.

I know I just need some time alone and some rest after a tiny heartbreak, and I know I'll be over it on a few days. But damn, the highs are high and the lows are low.

I'm pretty new and just been musing on this topic. I'm curious to hear other people's thoughts on this...

In all my close friendships, we talk pretty extensively about their other relationships (friends, family, partners) but with poly couples, it seems to be really looked down on to know a lot of detail about other romantic relationships. Is this mainly due to the nature of the relationships?

In some ways it makes my romantic partnerships feel somehow LESS intimate than my friendships, which I'm struggling with right now. Like theres this list of topics that are off limits in a way I don't have with my friends. Are my friends and I oversharing about our lives with each other, or is it just inherently different?

If it is, then how/why is it different to you?

From my understanding of conversation and interactions with other polyamorous people, polyamory is a schedule centric relationship structure. It is important to consider and compare schedules and be able to allocate time for every partner we have.

That said, how do you leave space for spontaneity?

What are considerations a hinge should have and what are some useful coping strategies the partners can adopt to give that space?

When I come home from seeing another partner, my NP does not want to be intimate or affectionate with me for at least a few hours after I get home, often not until the next day. When he sees his other partner, he still isn’t very affectionate right when he gets home but it doesn’t last as long. While I would prefer to be intimate/affectionate when either of us gets home because I enjoy the reconnection (and honestly think him being with someone else is hot, though I understand we don’t feel the same way and that’s fine), I understand he needs some time to adjust and I respect that.

Recently, one of my partners came spend time with me during the day for a few hours while my NP was at work. Before my partner came over, my NP asked me to let him know if we had sex because he doesn’t want to have sex with me in the same day. I wasn’t planning to have sex with my other partner that day anyway, so while it felt a little weird, it didn’t affect anything.

Now, I’m about to come home after spending a few weeks with my family. My partner is picking me up from the airport and we’re spending the day together until my NP gets off of work. After weeks of not seeing either of them, of course I’m dying to be intimate with both of them, and both of them are excited to be intimate with me again. My NP has expressed that while he’s not telling me to not have sex with my partner as that is my choice, if I do, that means we won’t and he’ll be upset about it for a little while until he gets over it. I feel like he’s forcing me to choose between them and I’m not sure how to navigate this.

I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to have sex with me the same day I’ve had sex with someone else, that’s his boundary. But it’s his choice if we don’t have sex after being apart for so long and it’s not fair to be upset with me. He says that since I know he won’t want to have sex with me if I fuck my other partner, I’m the one choosing not to have sex with him if I get intimate with my partner that day. This puts me in a stressful spot as now I have to withhold intimacy from one of them and I don’t want to do that to either of them.

My NP and I have been swingers for years and have had sex right after hooking up with another couple. We’ve also had sex the night he came home from seeing his partner where they had morning sex before he left, though it’s only happened once or twice. I’m not sure what the hang up is here, and all he can tell me is that it makes him uncomfortable.

I don’t really want to have to tell him every time I have sex with someone, that feels like my business. But he’s going to ask, and I’m not going to lie. I also don’t feel comfortable telling my partner that we can’t fuck when I get home because it’s more important that I get to have sex with my NP. And I’m not going to lie to him and say I’m just not feeling it either.

I feel like I get the shit end of the stick no matter what, because it would hurt to not be able to be intimate with my NP after being away, but it would also hurt me to have to reject my partner (and I’m sure rejection wouldn’t feel good for him either). Nor do I want to knowingly do something that will hurt my NP.

How should I talk to my NP about this? And if the result of that conversation is the same, how should I handle the likely situation where I end up fucking my partner when he picks me up? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but it’s also important to me that I don’t feel controlled in any of my relationships by someone who isn’t a part of that relationship, and I’m having a hard time figuring out how to hold that boundary responsibly.

Cis-woman in her late 30s here. My cis-male, mid-40s partner and I have been practicing ENM for much of our adult lives. Most times, I feel genuine compersion when my partner has a date. This is especially true when I already know the person or they are at least known by our community.

However, sometimes when my partner has a date planned with someone he met online, I leap to judgmental conclusions. Is she “too hot?” Is she a scam? Why doesn’t her profile say much about her? Why are there only photos of her breasts and not her face? Is he so shallow as to only be interested in a hot body? Recently, this happened with a woman who matched with him, made plans for a date in less than 24 hours of matching, then bailed and disconnected at the last minute. It made me feel so suspicious and protective of him - obviously, he was bummed. Clearly, it’s not my place to be watching out for scams for him. He’s a grown man.

I’m a fierce feminist and I’m embarrassed by these judgey feelings toward other women. I’m digging into where they may be stemming from. I talk openly about these feelings with my partner, and I share that I know I’m being unreasonable/reactive. He listens. I don’t even know if I need to share these feelings with him. We decided recently that he will go on first dates without sharing the profiles with me first. Perhaps this will help.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you work through the reactive judgey jealousy?

This is more of a rant than anything else, but please let me know if you feel I'm in the wrong here.

I feel like I (29F) am coaching my nesting partner (29M) through hinging a lot. A couple weeks ago I talked to him about how the way he phrases things to his other partner (Birch) feels like he's putting the blame on me when he and I have plans.

I try not to keep tabs on their relationship, but I do like to be in the loop so I'll sometimes ask "How's Birch? Whatcha guys talking about? Any plans later?" etc. He'll respond "She's good. Did a cool thing at work. We're just catching up on our days right now." I don't expect or want full deep dives of their conversations. Just to put in perspective of why I know about some things that were said.

Example: We had plans to do a bunch of spring cleaning one weekend. Birch asks NP if he wants to hang out that weekend and he tells her that he "wouldn't want to upset me". I told him I felt like the appropriate response should have been that he and I already had plans because stating that I would be upset by them hanging out is implying a lot of things that aren't necessarily true. We talked, he understood, and has changed the way he phrases things to be more about what he wants rather than what I want.

Another example: Last weekend, he told me that Birch was asking us to hang out.

I said "Is Birch asking, or are you asking?"

He said "Birch is asking"

I said "Is Birch asking ME to hang out with both of you?"

He said "Well, no, but I want you to come and I'll ask her if she's okay with it."

This put a lot into perspective for me about why some of our hangouts had been kind of awkward when I thought she invited me and him to hangout. KTP is on the table and it's something we're all comfortable with, but now I've felt like I was intruding on time she may have wanted alone with him.

I briefly talked with NP about it but he didn't seem to quite "get it" because we both agree to hang out when he asks. I feel like she may be agreeing just to not "rock the boat" sometimes and I want him to be more mindful of that.

We'll talk more and I know he'll be reasonable. I know the answer will have to be to put up boundaries around myself so I'm not as invested in whether Birch likes me or not. I'm just irked.

Hi everyone, (TLDR at end lol)

Looking for some advice/support. I (F) have been with my gf for 2.5 years-we were monogamous, broke up for about 6 months in the summer for many reasons, and have been back together for about 5 months, now doing ENM (we met in an ENM situation but is too complicated to get into that). We love each other so deeply and there is so much commitment and care there. We talk about everything and have really grown a lot together. We are primary partners but there are not really any "rules" around parameters for other partners, we just check in about it when we need to. The actual logistics of the poly have so far felt pretty good and it hasn't been messy--we don't try to monitor or control each other and I've even accessed compersion at times.

My biggest struggle over the last while has been the issue of jealousy related to my partner having sex/intimacy with others at the same time that that has been a consistent struggle in our own relationship because of her own sexual trauma/CPTSD/fearful avoidance...however you want to slice it. [For the record, I obviously know the relationship is a dynamic and it is not about her doing or not doing something for me as if it is her fault. I play a part in the intimacy and whether or not she feels safe, and I look at my part in it too and have done what I can to learn about my own triggers and how I can support her. But the way she has described it to me locates a lot of the "work" in herself, given the way the trauma shows up for her.]

I am writing this because I am having a hard time. I'm not sure if jealousy is the best way to describe the feeling: there is some resentment that is mixed in there too because I have struggled with this for so long. I know it's not fair to be resentful, as I am choosing to be here, and I do want to be. I'm doing my best to work through that and have been honest with her about that when it comes up, but I thought it bears mentioning here for honesty. I'm not worried her other partners have something I don't or that she will leave me for them. It's really more of a sadness that I am not getting what I want with her.

I know it's not personal, but when she goes on dates and is developing connections with others, and we haven't had sex for a year, it feels almost too much to bear. I love and trust her and I know that she is doing what she needs to do in order to work through those things in her that make her so terrified of sex with someone she is very close to. We talk openly about it. And I also know that some of you will simply tell me that if that is a need that is chronically going unmet I have to do the brave thing and move on. I know that. But I'm hoping to still try to see it through : we have talked about how I can help her create containers for intense feelings so that she feels safer, and how that is directly correlated to feeling more open sexually with me.

Very long winded post, but wondering if anyone has insights from similar situations? What have you tried, and has that looked more like individual work connecting to yourself, or relational? I definitely lean anxious so I know that some of it is also a despair of feeling like I am depending on someone who has a lot of her own shit and can't always be present to what is going on, despite her trying her best. I just want to feel like there is some movement and that I can be more at peace with the ways that we are developing emotional safety against the backdrop of us having sex with other people.

TLDR: Because of various sexual and other trauma, partner has very hard time being able to be intimate sexually (even things like making out). We cuddle and have a lot of touch and a lot of emotional intimacy, but sex has been basically a struggle for over 2 years. Feeling jealousy/sadness that we are having sex with other people and not each other. Tips for sitting with it?