Welcome to /r/Polyamory!

I have expressed several times to one of my partners that I like communication. While I’m not his primary partner and he’s not mine I always make time for him when I am with my primary. He has told me serval times he doesn’t practice hierarchical polyamory, but when he is with his primary he doesn’t communicate with me. I have expressed several times it hurts me when he does this. It seems like every time I start a new relationship up, they say communication isn’t a problem. Or the things I want isn’t an issue but later down the road it is. I feel like just giving up on polyamory, the one down side to that is I finally feel like I’m on the right path to being me.

I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with my primary partner ~4 or 5 months ago. My longest ever, poly after the first year. At one point, she had an 8 month relationship that came and went and I've only had FWBs but never felt a deep connection to a 2nd person. Not for lack of trying, I assure you, and I feel I've got a huge heart and I'm super goofy and connected to my inner child. Totally comfortable when my partner dates/sleeps with others so long as I got my after care (literally just a verbal check in/cuddle and I felt great).

A couple months post breakup, I got swept up in a new FWB where we were both fresh out of something long-term and we got a little carried away with the L word and made it official. But I knew she was monogamous. I could immediately feel the pang of some emotion (kinetic energy? Regret?) when I'd see a beautiful woman and want to talk, because I knew this new thing was monogamous. We broke it off after being official for a month my shortest ever.

I've never had the honest to god real shot at having two partners yet and as a result, it's just always felt more like an open relationship than a polyamorous one. I've had 17 consecutive weeks of therapy and I'm still trying to tackle this. Because I walked away from the monogamous woman who I now find I'm missing terribly and need help wondering if I'm just feeling the typical male monkey brain urge to bed anything that moves or if I'm truly yearning for multiple connectivity.

Would love your thoughts, thanks so much.

Hey everyone, I have two partners and a lot of close friends. In the lasts weeks I had some kind of identity crisis and struggled with my mental health. I more and more get a crawling feeling that I can’t handle the feeling of needing to be available for partners and close relationships and i am craving freedom, just going out of town for days and not having to tell anyone what I am doing and why. When I am with my partners I feel love and being loved but still, I wonder if I would need to be single right now. Can anyone relate? Do you think this could just be a sign my general overwhelmedness or am I actually kind of unhappy with my current relationships and surroundings?

Ok so for context I dated someone online who was poly and I asked him to join this one place so he could me other online friends but then somethings started to happen like how he was flirting with someone and it escalated to him making jokes about fucking her, seeing her tits, and etc of only knowing her for 5 mins and I got jealous a bit and wouldnt tell what my problem was bc I kept lying to myself it was fine and like then a few days later my friend suddenly message me saying it was important and I needed to be online asf and I did get online and she made a GC and one of my friends started saying their opinions on him saying like "if he's gonna flirt that quickly then just drop him he's not worth your time" but like that friend also kinda was the one he flirted with yk? And then they "me and blank didn't know you and him were thing" and like they knew tho- like they literally asked him "oh don't you already have a partner" and now I am thinking to myself did I do the right thing and break up with him or do I just not know how date poly people lol

I (33F) have considered myself to be solo-poly for about two years, now. I’ve had lots of fun, lots of loving relationships and friendships, and my soul is sooo happy. But, I’ve been pondering something for about six months, now, and I’m not sure if I should just go for it or if I should leave it a fantasy.

I want two live-in (primaries?) male partners. I think I’m second guessing myself because it feels SO selfish for some reason that I haven’t quite worked through, yet.

I often think about how badly I want two primary partners. Even though that’s an oxymoron.

I don’t really have people around me to talk to about this specific thing, so I figured this sub would be the perfect place to put my thoughts, excitements, concerns, etc. I’ve told others, and I think because they can’t relate to how I feel, they aren’t able to validate my feelings about it in a way that feels good.

Does that make sense? I totally feel like I’m rambling. Going from solo to anything else seems like it could be a struggle, but I find myself longing for a closer connection.

Anyways. That’s my dream. Anyone else relate?

I am still pretty new to polyamory (I've only been practicing for a little under a year) and I’m currently in a situation where I don’t know where to go next. A person that I have been dating is trying to work things out with their ex. Their break-up was a little dramatic, and I had somehow got sucked into all the mess at the time. We recently discussed boundaries, and they said that they would like to eventually build back to a nesting partnership with their ex. I understand wanting to build the future that you have agreed to with each other and I know that they want to start a family, but I’m struggling to see how I would be able to fit into all of this, and I’m feeling a little left out. They tried to reassure me that I wouldn't be left behind, but we have no idea how that would look just yet. We want to be life partners and have spoken about my worries around relationship hierarchy several times. It kind of hurts my feelings that they don’t see/desire to one day be my nesting partner. These are all long-term goals and so much can change in that time, but as I get older my desire to start a family of my own gets stronger, so I guess I’ve been feeling kind of jealous. We don’t want to go our separate ways, but I find myself getting sad if I think about it too much, especially if we're spending time together. I can’t tell if I’m being too dramatic or not, but I'm at a point in my life where I am trying to date with the intention of creating long-term relationships so I'm really struggling with this.

Hi everyone,

I’m writing here because I feel completely lost and overwhelmed by what’s happened.

My partner and I recently decided to open our relationship. At first, I wasn’t looking to meet anyone. I went to a polyamory event mostly to learn, gather information, and hear from others with more experience. But while I was there, I met someone who left a big impression on me. I didn’t expect it, but there was a spark from the very beginning.

After the event, we got back in touch and started chatting. She was very clear upfront that she wasn’t looking for a romantic poly relationship because her primary partner was her priority. I was fine with that because I wasn’t necessarily looking for a relationship either. I was just really drawn to her and wanted to get to know her better.

We went on a few dates and had amazing conversations, shared so many laughs, and connected deeply. Before I knew it, I started to develop real feelings for her. I shared this with her, and she was always honest in return—she appreciated me too, but her primary partner remained her focus. That made sense to me.

At the same time, I was trying to navigate this new dynamic with my own partner, who had always been monogamous with me. We were working hard to reassure each other and communicate, but it wasn’t always easy.

Eventually, I fell completely in love with my new partner. Every moment we spent together felt perfect. She later confided that she’d developed feelings for me too, but she was still prioritizing her primary relationship. I respected her honesty and her choice.

Unfortunately, it seems like her primary relationship has been affected by what we shared. She went back to focus on her partner, but their relationship now feels strained, and I can’t help but feel responsible. I’m terrified that I’ve hurt them or caused damage to something I never wanted to interfere with.

I don’t know what to do. I wanted everything to happen in a way that was respectful and considerate of everyone involved. But now I feel miserable, like I’ve ruined the life of someone I care about deeply.

Thankfully, my primary partner has been incredibly supportive and understanding about my heartbreak, but I can’t shake this overwhelming guilt.

I’m not even sure if I’m writing this to ask for advice or just to process everything. Thank you for reading

Hey everyone, this might be a long post so hang tight.

I'm 21F and I'm dating 20F, well call her Rain.

Rain and I started dating around 2 1/2 years ago, we both had male partners at the time. Time passes and we both had to make the unfortunate realization that our male counterparts weren't really poly

So now it's just us two, we've been through a lot together and are currently working on our relationship which I am more than elated with. However.... I keep feeling the urge to have a meta(? Still learning terms) or essentially a fling???

However, Rain and I agreed to remain exclusive for now until we get stability within a home and within ourselves. It's just, hard for me I guess? I love Rain with all my heart and I do plan on marrying her to make her my NP (which we've already discussed)

I just don't know what to make of the feeling, I also recommend we go to couples therapy and that was well received so currently there are no "red flags" in the relationship.

I keep wondering why I feel this way and I don't really know who to ask because most of my friends are mono, spare a few that are poly but I don't talk to them as much as I should...

Should I talk to my partner about how I feel? I'm nervous they would want a meta(or fling i guess) as well, but that would make it wrong of me to have a meta?? Would it be better if we looked together?

Please let me know if I'm being overly selfish as well, my partner and I trust each other a lot so far but we're still working on it. Is this the wrong time? Should I wait? Let me know let me know.

I've been on a long road with polyamory.

Started nonmonogamy at 18 with my first serious long term boyfriend. Over the years I've done poly, enm kink, dated couple on couple, had a few years solo poly, had platonic intimates, been in a mono/poly relationship where I ided as poly and a poly/mono relationship where I used as mono. The works.

I've done the reading. I've done the worksbeets. I've done the therapy. I've addressed my insecurities and I've opened my heart to poly and... It didn't love me back.

The language and rhetoric around poly and nonmonogamy has consistently been used as a tactic of abuse in my relationships. I have dated a lot of people who use poly language to excuse their horrible actions and bad behaviour. Instead of experiencing freedom and honesty I got manipulation, belittling, emotional neglect, financial abuse and (of course) willful infidelity.

(I used to joke that if a man wanted to, he could always find a way to cheat, dynamic because damned.)

Over the last year I found myself so settled and happy in a mono dynamic for the first time ever. I thought I had found true love. Then she decided that wasn't what she wanted anymore, and decided if I wasn't going to open the relationship while I was dangerously depressed she would cheat on me instead.

(As I said to a few friends, the ghost of polyamory hunted me down and beat the shit out of my heart)

And I think, finally, I'm ready to say that I'm done trying to force myself to love how others want me to.

I feel after 11 years I finally know what I want and it's boring, mundane, uninspired, monogamy. But maybe mono's not this impossible, unachievable monolith I was taught to devalue and dismiss. Maybe it's actually what I've always wanted.

I think often the community refuses to look inwards and accept that so many of the things we are taught about "good poly" and "radical free love" are easily grabbed and used by abusers. I was told for a decade that my share of love was proportional to the needs I could meet, that it was reasonable that I was made to feel like I was never enough, that the black hole inside me wasn't from cruelty or mistreatment but because I didn't have enough partners to fill it. And all of this was from poly people well regarded in my local communities. I wish there were more resources for victims of poly framed abuse but mostly we just suffer in silence, ashamed, confused, and alone. And when we do speak out often our words are reshuffled and reshaped by our abusers to make us look like we just don't understand the complexities of the practice.

But at the end of the day I am also so greatful for the joyful experiences it has brought me and the self reflection it has allowed me. And I am so greatful to have shared this journey with a worldwide community who are mostly just trying to seek out authenticity and autonomy. Even if there are bad actors, I know at its core poly is liberating and abundant with love.

And to all of you who are on your own journey I wish you all of the love and happiness this world has to offer you.

Goodbye polyamory: you were a wild ride

Last year I went through my first poly break up with the partner I opened up with, and it hurt as much as any monogamous break up even though I did have more support from other partner.

Now I’m facing a situation where even though I’m madly in love with a current partner, it doesn’t seem like we want the same things from our relationship and I’m not sure if I can stick it out or if I need to break up and find relationships that are more compatible. Ending it feels like ripping my heart out. It’s the last thing I want to do and I feel crushed.

So often on this sub when someone makes a post where they might be incompatible with their partner, people’s advice is to break up and move on and find someone new, as if it was that easy. Not bashing on this advice because it’s probably good advice in a lot of situations, but I just wonder how people deal with more breakups and more pain more often due to having more partners. Do break ups hurt less the more of them you go through?

There have been so many posts recently about mismatched libidos, lack of sexual desire in one relationship while maintaining other sexual relationships and so on. And I have thoughts.

I've been through this scenario a few times myself. I've experienced it being handled well and handled poorly. I've read lots on the topic, and frankly I think even the best self help authors on this aren't great. They view sex and desire as this unique thing in relationships when really they are just another fundamental element of compatibility.

CLASSIC SCENARIO

The NRE is wearing off and what was an intense and passionate connection is cooling. One partner (Apple) is ok with this and let's it happen, the other (Peach) is still actively passionate about their partner and is acting normally, unsure if there is even a change happening. Weeks turn to months and sex and other physical intimacy has stopped almost entirely. Apple continues having sex with other partners including seeking new sexual connections.

Peach feels bad asking for a change since they value Apple's right to choose and fear the idea of pressuring Apple into sex they don't want, but eventually the feelings have built up too much. Peach is feeling insecure, undesirable, unlovable and like they must have done something wrong. They bring up what they've noticed (Apple no longer initiating sex, rejecting Peach's advances) and vulnerably admit how much this is hurting them.

At this point Apple admits that those passionate feelings have gone away and that they are ok with that. They love the connection they have with Peach and don't want it to change. They didn't want to lose it but don't know what to do.

WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY

Standard teaching on this topic (for example Esther Perel, Emily Nagoski and a few others are commonly referenced) is that this is normal. The transition from NRE to ORE/ERE (old/established relationship energy) or from living apart to cohabiting inevitably leads to a reduction in sexual desire. One common theme is that we have "competing drives" between love/security and passion. The first looks for stability, the latter for adventure and novelty.

The standard approach to "fixing this" is to approach the topic with curiosity to find out what elements are missing in the relationship that (in a poly context) are present in Apple's other sexual relationship and trying to introduce them. Not forcing passion but creating the right environment and conditions for passion to blossom. Often things like actively going on dates, spicing things up, making sure the rest of the relationship is in a healthy state etc.

It's all good advice. But I rarely see any comments here or in the literature about what went really, really wrong in the first place.

A UNILATERAL DE-ESCALATION IS A BREAKUP

This is where I'm gonna get a bit radical. Apple fucked up. So bad. Like, terrible partner levels of bad. And we just seem to accept it.

If we think of a relationship as a connection made up of behaviors and shared experiences, we can sort of list them out. The relationship smorgasbord operates on this idea, in that you can define what is important to you in relationships and you can see how compatible you are with your partner. Things like "how often do I like going on dates?" and "how much alone time do I need?" and so on.

Usually people do this less formally. They start a relationship and find a pattern that is meeting their needs. For example when Apple and Peach started dating, they regularly settled into a pattern of dates once a week, a sleepover a fortnight, regular sex, communicating daily via text. They slowly escalated to spending an extra more casual day a week together and met each other's friends and family.

Now imagine Peach is losing some of that romantic attraction to Apple and doesn't feel like dating anymore (Peach may or may not be actively aware of this). So Peach stops planning dates (they were previously responsible for half of dates) and starts turning down Apple's suggestions for dates. Apple, after a month of this, is wondering what is going on. Peach says they've just been busy and stressed lately and it's nothing to worry about. Apple agrees to see how things go.

Over the next six months they go on two dates. They aren't great, Peach isn't very into it. Apple sees on social media that Peach is regularly dating other people and seems to be having a great time. Perhaps they've even been going on the exact dates Apple has been suggesting, and Peach has been saying they didn't want to go on. Apple is getting very insecure and feels like maybe Peach doesn't love them anymore. Apple starts begging for dates and Peach starts getting the ick.

What happened here?

This is really really important. Peach unilaterally deescalated this relationship. Whether dating was formally agreed to on a smorgasbord or informally assumed from historical behavior, it was a core part of the relationship and Peach removed that without ever saying that's what was happening.

A unilateral de-escalation is a breakup. In this case, not a full breakup but instead the previous relationship was destroyed and a new one that suited Peach was put in place, without any discussion. Without consent.

That is AWFUL. Literally the worst, least autonomy respecting thing you could do to a person you claim to love. And "not knowing how I felt" isn't an excuse, impact matters far more than intent and Apple is now having a crisis.

Let's go back to the actual scenario. The positions are reversed and we are talking about physical intimacy instead of going on dates. Apple has let sex fall off the table with no discussion and Peach is in crisis.

IS SEX DIFFERENT? CONSENT AND RESPONSIBILITY

Sex is different! But not in that it is a unique aspect of relationships that can't be addressed or discussed. It is different because our power to deal with it is asymmetrical.

Anyone who has been in the position of Peach knows how hard it is to bring this up. We care about our partner's ability to choose if and when they engage in physical intimacy. We worry that by bringing up that we want more, we are exerting pressure on them, influencing their ability to consent. We also worry that it will make things worse, that pressure is not sexy and they will get the ick.

So why should it be Peach to bring this up? Peach didn't cause this situation. Apple has unilaterally deescalated the relationship while ignoring Peach's consent and therefore it is Apple's responsibility to deal with this. Anything else is dumping a huge amount of emotional burden on Peach and neglecting their responsibility to the relationship.

WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED INSTEAD

First up... why aren't they doing check-ins? RADAR has a whole section on sex. The first monthly check-in should have detected a drop in physical intimacy.

That aside, Apple should have been up front. They might not know what they are feeling or if it is going to change in the future but they do know they haven't been feeling it, even after a week or two. Talk about it, goddamn it! It's literally your job!

"Peach, I've noticed I've been having less feelings of sexual interest for you recently, I'm not sure what is causing it and I'm hoping it will get better. Can we keep an eye on this and try and create the right conditions for us to feel sexy together? I'm still very attracted to you and love the relationship we are building. We can see how we are going after a fortnight."

Now Peach knows what is going on and that they aren't imagining it, knows Apple even cares, and has a way to work together on this, with a set time limit for seeing improvement. It's a positive bonding moment.

Let's say that doesn't work and nothing gets better in those two weeks, or more likely those two weeks are fine and then the two weeks after go back to where they were. Apple is noticing that the effort of working on the sexual intimacy of their relationship is quite hard and that in fact they aren't that invested in having a strong ongoing physical relationship. They love the rest of the relationship but are happy to let the bedroom portion die.

Talk about it goddamn it! It's literally your job!

"Peach, it looks like this issue isn't an easy solve for us. I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure that's a big problem for me, I'm quite happy having a sexually platonic relationship with you and I'm not sure I'll ever regain my sexual attraction to you. I know how much that must hurt.

To be clear, I would like us to maintain the other elements of our relationship including dating and cohabiting, supporting each other through life, but with no expectation that we will have sex again. That might change but we can't assume it will. And I need to be clear that I will still be having sex with other people and even forming sexual-only connections. Just not with you.

Are you up for a change in our relationship like that?"

Now I get that saying this sucks. But do you see how it respects Peach's autonomy? Now Peach has all the information and can decide on whether they are compatible. Peach never had to go through 6-12 months of anguish and insecurity, all of which is very psychologically destabilizing and makes the decision making process harder. Even if Peach recognizes this makes them incompatible, they've already lived this way for so long and simply reducing the conflict is so important they will probably try it. Again, that is the coercion in the situation. Not Peach asking for something they need.

SUMMARY

There's a few key points here that aren't really discussed. The literature on this topic is mostly about trying to fix a dead bedroom but that's after a lot of pain and built up resentment. I'm talking about ethically taking responsibility for your side of a relationship.

1. do check ins and actually keep track of your sex life enough that you can easily recognize a drop in activity within a few weeks

2. it is the responsibility of the lower interest partner to deal with this

3. not dealing with this is a huge violation of consent and autonomy, it is a unilateral de-escalation, which is the same thing as a breakup.

4. not dealing with this is putting a huge amount of pain and insecurity and emotional processing load into your partner's plate. It is grossly unfair and unethical.

5. the low interest partner needs to actively ask themselves if they are willing to put in the work to fix the situation. If they are not, they need to ask for a major change in the relationship. This ask needs to be clear, unvarnished and to explicitly describe what a future relationship would look like. It needs to allow for fully informed consent.

That's my thoughts anyway. I think we somehow give low interest partners way too much slack on this issue when really they are hugely dropping the ball by not being up front and working as hard as they can to either fix the situation or to define a line where their partner can be informed that sex is no longer on the table. It's really common to see this can kicked down the road for years and years without any sign of taking responsibility for it, and frankly I consider that abuse.

There's obviously nuance here, it can be really hard for the low interest partner to know how they are feeling, which is why I'm advocating a preemptive approach. Keep an eye on this. Act promptly. Talk about it goddamn it! It's literally your job!

I’m in a monogamy relationship with my gf F/F (lesbian relationship) and every now and then I get really turned on about the thought of us 2 fucking some other girl (no one in particular) but I just want to wake up in the middle of her and another girl and just feel happy and comfortable no judgement whatsoever and have a fun time with our pussies… someone help…

Had a friend bring up the topic of platonic intimacy. Never heard this term before but I can see how this type of friendship resonates with me. As a person in general I’m a very loving/giving/caring person and that’s why polyamory also resonates with me. But just wondering if this resonates with any of yall as well?

I have been married 7 years. Two kids. Wife has recently shared that polyamory is part of her indentity and she basically needs to practice it, or at least be free to. She’s not into the throuple, or swinging, or ethical nonmonogamy . Specifically wants to be able to pursue an additional full relationship. Shes pansexual. She’s mentioned poly before, but was never as an ultimatum. Now it is - but she really wants it to work for us. I’m not interested in poly, rather casual open for me and poly for her. She doesn’t like the lack of investment in casual open relationships. I have a really hard time seeing myself be able to accept this in any form. Even if she does agree to open and poly respectively. She doesn’t believe in hierarchy. Which is something I would need. She said our relationship would inherently come first due to our past, and being a family. But to me this just means we take care of kids and resonsibilties together and she has room for light fun with her other potential partner. I realize this is a “bad” POV in the community, but it’s how I feel. Just in case anyone is wondering, she doesn’t have anyone in mind currently. I’m looking for guys who have lived this experience before and how they are doing now. Specifically married men who went into a polyamorous relationship through their wives request and how that improved/impacted their lives. #polyamorous

How do you build secure attachment or even feel secure at all with disorganized attachment? Words of affirmation are a huge love language for me, but I feel unable to even believe my partner’s affirmations. Most advice is dependent on that relationship being monogamous so I feel alone in trying to figure it out in non monogamy.

P.S I started polysecure !!

I live with Aspen. I was out to see Birch, someone I was seeing. And Aspen had told me they were having a friend Cedar over. Cedar has been a sore subject for us because I am fine with hanging out with other partners but I was told many times cedar is a friend only. Meanwhile cedar is actively flirting with Aspen and waiting on them hand and foot when they are over which makes me UNCOMFY.

We have an agreement around partners coming over which includes consenting to spaces that will be used and this didn’t happen since it was just a friend. Yes we talked about Cedar coming over as a friend but def not with romantic intentions.

The game plan was for me to come home around 1230. And aspens defense was that they called it a sleepover so I should’ve known they weren’t sleeping in the bed with me that n ight. But that was in no way talked about.

The next day they told me they kissed at new years. And they are going to pursue this romantically.

I had the realization my boundaries were crossed then. As I did not consent to romantic interests being in the same space as me. And then I felt ickier that they had chosen to spend the night with someone else instead of me when they were a romantic interest.

They think they gave enough communication Via calling it a sleepover. But if my friends came over I’d still sleep in my bed.

I just feel really lied to and manipulated. I don’t think that’s their intention.

I respect my partner very much, I strive each day to show her this respect and do very well.

She wishes that her husband and I could all be with her in the same room or at the same event or night out. Knowing the background of this individual, despite me trying to convince myself otherwise I have no respect for this man and want nothing to do with him.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did this impact your relationship?

Hi there, wondering how the group feels about the concept of loyalty. Being new to polyamory I struggle with this concept.

I’ve always wanted to give someone my unconditional love and loyalty, to hold their interest right next to mine. In return I’d expect the same.

So if my girlfriend’s other partner and I conflict she has to make a choice, this means she can only be loyal to one and must be disloyal to the other.

How do you define loyalty and how important is it in your relationships?

Okay so this is my first time posting or even being exposed to being poly so sorry if my terminology isn't perfect because I'm very new to this. Basically I just have been really wanting to date other people. I'm really happy in my current relationship and don't want to leave my partner, I love them a lot but just I can't stop thinking about wanting to be with other people.

The thing that complicates my emotions is I have cheated in the past. Not on my current partner, but in several past relationships. I've been in my current relationship for a little over a year, and it's been probably the past 3 weeks I've been questioning.

I'm worried that maybe I'm just trying to justify cheating to myself or that I'm just having the urge to cheat and am not actually poly.

I did open up to my partner recently and told them I'm questioning if I'm poly and that I've cheated in the past. They said it's okay if I am poly and they're fine with it.

I'm just looking for support or advice I guess, this has all been really overwhelming for me

If your partner meets someone amazing I don't care how amazing your chemistry is, don't do this to your meta or your partner. It shows a complete disregard for their relationship as well as your own. You're not allowing them to develop feelings for each other without your influence and you are extorting your meta's emotions to protect yourself from your own insecurities. Give it time. Let NRE calm down for both your partner and you. Get to know your meta as a friend first. If feeling are still there after time and the hinge's relationship with each of you as individuals is secure then it can be considered, but until then respect your partner enough to have the space and time to build a relationship without your interference

I'm (31f) married to my NP (35m) (relationship of 8 years of which 4 poly). We've done a lot of work together and are committed to being poly because it makes us happier. Since October I've started seeing a new guy (31). I'm looking for some advice because for him it's his first poly experience.

In October/November we mostly texted and went on a couple of dates but in December we saw each other once a week. We get along very well on a personal and physical level. I hope we can continue to see each other, but I'm afraid he's going to dip.

For context, in early 2024 he and the mother of his two-year old broke up after a 6 year relationship. So he is in a very transitional phase. From what I can tell the break up had a lot to do with him wanting to explore more sexually and romantically and them not being compatible in that regard.

He is intrigued by me and the idea of polyamory (asks a lot of questions) but not sold on it. I notice he has a hard time imagining what our relationship could be like because the traditional escalator is not available to us and he's never had a model of anything else.

He seems to think because I'm married I can't give him a "serious" relationship but I'm very committed to the idea of treating all my partners seriously. I am however struggling to give him a clear picture because in these 4 years I've had mostly short-lived flings. The fact that he has a child is a new factor for me on top of that.

He hasn't really done any "homework" (reading or listening to podcasts) so far I believe. I find it kind of awkward to recommend him things, because I find the feeling of mentoring him unpleasant.

Part of me is also afraid that I'm just a fun experiment for him while he's rebounding from his previous relationship.

Any advice, do's or don'ts, or questions to ask (myself or him) would be much appreciated.

essentially, we were a quad, my friend and i joined a couple in october and it was the four of us with the couple being primary partners. it was working, and every time one of them was seeming to prioritize my friend or i we would remind them who is the #1 priority. considering they live together and neither of us do (friend lives on the other side of the city and i'm a couple towns away), we thought that would help as well.

well the couple just broke up and i'm staying with them for a few days still until i'm back to work. i love them both but i'm really bad in these situations and i'm scared i'll make it worse somehow. bf has been mentally preparing for this for a while apparently, he's desensitized himself already to cope but that's making gf think it hasn't affected him at all. that on top of her bpd, i know it's going to hurt her for a while.

any advice on how to navigate this and help with emotional support is very appreciated

Sorry in advance for the long post, but I really need some relationship advice from other polyamorous people since most of the friends I have talked to have a monogamous bias. I'm struggling a lot with my feelings and I can't tell if I'm unreasonable or if I'm being treated unfairlyI have had relationship issues with my partner of 3 years for a while now. My partner is two years younger than me and we're both in our early 20's.
We've been nesting partners for most of our relationship up until about a month and a half ago, living in a shared space/household with our mutual queerplatonic partner since the start of 2023. Living with my partners stressed me out a great amount, and it led to a lot of conflict between me and the partner in question. I moved out for my own mental health's sake and to hopefully give room for improvement in our relationship.
About a month ago my partner texted me and said that their feelings for me and about our relationship have changed and that they want our relationship to change, so we've agreed to de-escalate. They can't exactly tell me what they feel or what they want though, so I'm just stuck on what to do.
I'm okay with de-escalating and taking a step back. That's not where all of my complicated feelings are coming from

What my issues are rooted in (at least i think so) is that my partner got into a new relationship half a year ago - It's not that they're dating someone else, it's the way it has all been handled. They had been talking to and dating this guy for a month or so (I'm not really sure) before getting into an official relationship. I had multiple issues with the way my partner didn't communicate with me about it, and as a result of the shitty communication I now have an extremely strained relationship with my metamour and that has created a bigger rift between me and my partner. The first time their new partner came to visit us he was supposed to only stay for a few days but ended up staying for almost a week, which stressed me out a LOT because I had a stranger in my home and could not relax. I admit that I could have been clearer about wanting him to go home, but I didn't want to outright say "I want him to leave".

This miscommunication ended up in a conflict where I lashed out at my partner, which made their date uncomfortable with me. After he left my partner came out and announced they were now in a relationship. Since then, it has been extremely tense.

I have been very jealous and feeling like I was being replaced and that my partner cared more about their new boyfriend than me, my feelings always being dismissed when I brought up why i was upset, my partner not understanding how or why the other boyfriend staying in our apartment for a longer period of time was a problem to me, and I've been feeling like all the work was on me to reignite our relationship and sort out things with my meta.

I don't know how much of it is me having issues to work on and how much of it is reasonable, but it is hard to convey all the context in a post like this. It might be worth mentioning that our sex life has been almost non existent for almost a year (for various reasons, partly because I've been too stressed and overburdened), and some of my jealousy is probably rooted in knowing my partner has a flourishing sex life in their new relationship but not with me.

All of this has led to more conflict and escalated up to us fighting almost daily before I moved out. The new boyfriend then moved in in my place before I even had all of my things fully moved out (I had agreed to let him move in AFTER I was gone, because he was in a really bad place and needed a place to live). My partner had even asked if he could stay with them before I had moved out, to which i said absolutely not, which they agreed was reasonable.
I thought things were better, which they apparently were not, since I almost got dumped over text a few weeks later.
I'm upset that I haven't gotten time to readjust and properly de-escalate from nesting partners to living apart. I'm upset that I can't stop feeling like I'm being pushed out and replaced and that I come second, even though my partner insists that is not the case. I'm tired of feeling like an afterthought and my feelings not being considered.I'm upset that my partner can't give me any clear answers to what they want.
I'm so lost and I don't know what to do from here. I've told my partner that I don't wanna see them again until they've figured their shit out and taken time to reflect, and we're gonna have a talk about how to navigate the relationship in the meantime. Please, any advice and input is greatly appreciated.

sorry if this isnt the place to ask, I havent used reddit before.

I currently have 2 partners, Ash(4 years relationship) and Birch(3.5 years relationship). Both hang out sometimes as they have some of the same friends. Marriage has never been really on my 'checklist for life' so to speak and I have been honest about that with both of them since we met. Weve spoken, separately, about planning to be in each others lives for a long years.

Recently I have had passing thoughts about a future with Birch that may involve marriage. With the idea of a proposal being a surprise, how do I handle talking to Ash about this sort of thing?

EDIT.

I dont want to do this soon, I came here because its a long way away if it does happen and I want to make sure i navigate properly

Hello!

I have recently started talking with a girl on a dating app, and after some time she shared something I haven’t really encountered before.

She mentioned that her ideal situation would be to find a man that would be ok with the idea of a non-sexual relationship where she can still be physically intimate with other men. She explained that the type of man she feels romantically drawn to is very different from the type she finds sexually attractive.

I didn’t ask too many questions since we’re still getting to know each other, but it left me wondering. Is it common for someone to feel this way? Does it fall under categories like asexual, greysexual, or demisexual, or is it something else entirely?

I can understand how some relationships might naturally become less physical over time, but I’m struggling to wrap my head around why someone would actively seek out this from the start.

Always happy to learn more, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Thanks!

tl;dr: SHE CANCELED TONIGHTS PLANS AT THE LAST MINUTE.

Hey everyone, I’m in the early stages of dating someone who’s in an open/poly marriage, and I’m struggling to figure out if I’m overreacting here.

We made plans to spend tonight together, and I cleared my Thursday for it. But earlier today, she told me she’s driving up to Madison tonight with her husband because she doesn’t want to drive alone tomorrow (even though they have two cars). She said her schedule has been fluctuating and offered to reschedule for us to hang the whole afternoon and evening on Saturday, but I can’t help feeling like she’s not prioritizing me or valuing my time.

I know early dating isn’t always smooth, but this hurts because I feel like if she really wanted to see me, she’d have driven separately and stuck to our plans. Instead, I’m left feeling like an afterthought.

Am I overreacting, or does this reflect where I stand in her life? I’m trying to keep things fun and light, but it’s hard when I feel this disappointed

Through a lot of processing books podcast therapy crying at work because apparently that’s my life. This is what I’ve come up with:

I find my ideal is … monogamy in a polygon ?

The community of kitchen table poly, dates, kissing, emotional closeness, romantic love, kink/play, acceptance, independence, openness, vulnerability, etc., with sexual fidelity being enthusiastically, chosen for myself, and my partner.

Jack, who was an acquaintance that I started spending a lot of time with told me he was happy to be poly or mono. We had many conversations about ideal romantic landscapes, and our mutual romantic intentions for one another. I asked if he had any partners and he said no I made it clear that I didn’t have any sexual partners either.

Do you have two months in well on a trip to visit Keira a “friend” shortly after visiting his “friend” Nicole I got a stinking feeling. I asked “Are you having sex with Kyra?” he then admitted to having 3 partners. He said he knew that should’ve been brought up long ago, but was afraid of my reaction and losing me based on past experiences. A month later while still trying to sift through this breach of trust, he shared on that last visit to see Kyra that they had fallen in love making that relationship nonnegotiable.

Lacking that information I was not given the opportunity for informed consent before becoming emotionally invested or making the physical intimacy choice. I’m perfectly fine with 90% of Jack and Kyra’s relationship. I can even get past the lying which I believe constitutes “cheating” in the situation, I’m not comfortable with him having sex with her because I have big feelings and it conflicts with my boundaries.

Obviously, I really value this connection and this person or I wouldn’t be telling myself into knots. I can’t wrap my head around being a second sexual partner or having a second sexual partner. Even in the healthy dynamic I have with my other partner and his Meta. I have found that to be a hard stop. It is a boundary that I’m exploring to see if it can change, but I don’t know if it will.

Thoughts? (Other than that, I am being willfully ignorant?)t

Hello,

So I thought earlier that I had had a miscarriage very sad. Turns out I didn’t and I’m 7 weeks along, yay.

I’ve been talking with this guy for a month or so and I’m going on a date with him soon. I’m not sure whether to tell him I’m pregnant or not cause I’m so early along (I’m not really telling people I don’t really know yet).

I’ve mentioned that I’m wanting/trying for a family with my husband, but I’m unsure what to do.

Do I wait until the first trimester is over when I’m planning on telling others? Is that fair?

EDIT: I told him I’m planning to have kids this year hopefully. Asked if he’d be okay with all that. He said he was fine with it.

I’m in a relationship with someone that currently identifies as being solo poly but is not dating anyone besides me right now. She says she would have different needs met with different partners, and from me one of her biggest needs would be for me to take care of her when she’s sick. I take care of her really well (e.g. cook for her a lot) and she says nobody has ever taken care of her so well like I do. I love her so much and the way I take care of her is a reflection of that.

I on the other hand, practice hierarchical polyamory but currently do not have a primary (nor any partners besides her atm). I want her to be my primary but obviously this won’t work out so I’m struggling, but trying. She has kids and a coparent that she prioritizes over me, and she can’t meet a lot of my needs that I want from a primary, which I understand.

But when I’m sick, she can’t be the go to person for me. She has to prioritize her kids and coparent so she could never be in a position to drop things and come take care of me. But that would be my job for her, to be her main caretaker when she’s sick. And I love taking care of her, but when she starts dating other people I can’t help but feel like this will bother me a lot. Her other partners will get the “in health” part while I am responsible for going through “in sickness” part when people say the marriage vows “in sickness and in health”, which implies I get the hard parts when committing to her. I have no problems with this when I think of her as my primary…I would give her everything. But I guess I’m feeling resentful or some form of “justice jealousy” because I wouldn’t get the same from her or her partners wouldn’t have to endure the same. Am I a selfish lover? Or is my love conditional? I feel terrible. How do I cope with this?

I’m a 29-year-old trans woman, and my partner is a 28-year-old cis woman. We’ve been together for 6 years and have a 2-year-old child. I love her deeply and value the family we’ve built together.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with feelings for other people. I haven’t acted on these feelings. they can be romantic, sexual, or a mix of both, but I often repress them until I either force myself to see the person as “just a friend” or avoid them altogether. It’s been difficult because it feels like I’m torturing myself, even though I remain committed to my partner and our relationship.

I’ve been wondering if polyamory might be worth exploring, whether through an open relationship, a polycule, or another arrangement. I don’t have a specific person in mind; I just want to have a conversation with my partner to understand her feelings about the idea and see if it’s something we could discuss further.

Our conversations about polyamory have been limited so far and mostly lighthearted:

• She’s mentioned thinking poly people on social media a bit annoying because it seems like their whole personality.
• We’ve joked about living in a poly commune or joining a polycule to split bills.
• We’ve had a brief, serious conversation where we both agreed it wasn’t unthinkable, but neither of us was sure how it would work.
• She knows I was part of a triad at 19, but it was messy (as relationships at that age often are).

I want to approach this conversation respectfully and minimize any hurt or damage it might cause. Ideally, I’d like to encourage her to keep an open mind and continue the dialogue, regardless of the outcome.

How do I bring up polyamory in a way that’s constructive and considerate of her feelings? Has anyone here had a similar experience or advice for navigating this?