Welcome to /r/Polyamory!

My husband and I (married 17 years) began dating another couple last summer. It started out the couple wanted to date me only and I struggled romantically and sexually connecting to the woman. She decided she wanted to try things with my husband and we found ourselves in a quad. I fell deeply in love with the man and at first my husband was really enjoying time with the woman.

A decent amount of hurdles were thrown our way and we later found out that their marriage (of 23 years) wasn’t as solid as we thought. They were fighting and causing us all to have issues. They eventually separated and are now getting divorced.

Because of things said and done toward us by the woman and the stress being put on the man, we ended things with her. She was being cruel and hurtful to me and causing a lot of stress and frankly my husband wasn’t super bonded to her either and what bond they had was slipping as he was seeing a new side of her.

The man/my boyfriend moved in with us for a few months. It seemed to be working really well and my relationship with him continued to blossom. He was experiencing a lot of stress and turmoil and her now hatred of me was fueling it because anytime they had to see each other, she made sure he knew how unhappy he was that he was with me. All this stress was obviously topic with his therapist.

The therapist told him we moved too fast on our relationship, that he doesn’t know what love is, and he needs to be single for an extended period of time to heal himself. Don’t get me wrong, I want him to heal. I want him to be the best version of himself. But he left me. It’s been 11 days and all I do is cry. We have met up once and he held me and we talked for hours. And otherwise we just have check ins over text.

Our checkins are usually less than a dozen texts between us. Yesterday we texted back and forth for about an hour and a half because I was really struggling. I miss him so much. I asked him to give me hope that when this single period of working on himself is over, I have a possible light at the end. It was too much and he told me to not message him again. That his therapist had told him to cut all ties with me while he works on himself. I’m so hurt. He said talking to me is too difficult for him.

I know he loves me. I know this is hurting him too. I just don’t understand. I feel like I’m dying inside. My husband is doing everything he can to help me through this. He misses his best friend. I dont know how to get through this. This man and I had a connection that is unexplainable. My heart is broken. Oh… his therapist told him she supports polyamory but we did it wrong. Wtf? I don’t even know what she meant by that because he ended the conversation before I could ask. There is so much unsaid and anytime I try to talk to him about it he says it sets him back. I want to be supportive but I just am so sad.

I'm back listening to romance novels.

Currently Reel by Kennedy Ryan.

Previously read the Poly Romance Just Right by Shon. I'm looking for more Poly romances that match this type of vibe. Hopefully some I can read with my people for inspiration 👀

My anchor partner and I have been poly since 2022 and recently my partner Joy (fake name), found a new partner with whom she wants to explore more. This is the 1st time one of us has:

1. Started dating after de-nesting (we used to be NP for a couple of years and basically had the SAME day)
2. Explored a connection from a different state- which means Joy will be gone for multiple days on a stretch. (It’s also so novel and adventurous in my head because it’s long distance)

I have anxious attachment style (working on it in personal therapy) and have tried various things to keep myself busy when AP goes on other dates. But I wanted to check if anyone else also feels this FOMO especially when it involves your partner travelling to meet their long distance partner? How do y’all navigate this? Please help!

A part of me is feeling little compersion but another part feels so much FOMO, and jealousy¿ (this is after we have made plans to do our share of adventure together to meet my need for it.)

Just curious. What if they fall too hard for you? Aren’t you afraid if anything gets serious?

okay, so some necessary context: i’ve been in a relationship with my poly boyfriend for nearly a year and a half (I’m monogamous; he’s with me, his fiancée and a casual partner).

him and i have been long distance throughout the entire relationship, while his other two partners live in his city. i don’t have any issues with my metas as people, they seem like decent folks. i don’t dislike my boyfriend for being poly; if he’s happy, then by extension so am i. however, i find myself struggling with the idea of one day having to integrate his life, and by extension, his partners’, into my own (cohabitating, extended family gatherings, etc). the thought of doing so is awkward and in some ways uncomfortable for me; i went into the relationship with space in my life for my own partner, not necessarily any of his own.

i’m flying out to meet him for the very first time later this month, and will be visiting more throughout the year. i will inevitably meet at least one of his partners at some point during these visits, most likely his fiancée. if you’ve made it this far, what would you recommend i do or try to consider in order to help me adjust to a future with a polyamorous partner as i start visiting more and eventually taking more serious steps (moving in, possible engagement, etc)? I’m monogamous and have no intention on changing that, but I want to support my boyfriend and make sure that our relationship can be healthy in the long run

I have two partners. One was in a marriage for 18 years (44f) and the other is a good friend and godmother of two of my kids (34f) The 34-year-old was in a toxic relationship for 12 years and invited me to hook up about a year ago and we haven't stopped since then with the agreement that we wouldn't catch feelings or would communicate those feelings and figure out how to dial back. This girl has caught feelings and often expresses hints of jealousy lately I know that I should cut things off with her but she expresses that she'll take what she can get. How do I protect her feelings without making her feel discarded? The 44-year-old has expressed that she wants to be my nesting partner and is concerned about the other partners feelings as she is concerned about her having unrealistic expectations. In jest I told the 34-year-old that I would marry her by default if neither one of us had a partner when she turned 40 but I really think that she's just going to hold out for 6 years because she's used to being in a toxic relationship. Any advice?

Hello again everyone, I'm back for a lil rant. After a double breakup last week that hit me like a freight train, I lost one of those people as a friend today, for reasons I do not understand. For ease, we'll have the classic Aspen ( ex long term primary), Birch (ex newer partner) and Cedar (Birches' (possibly ex) girlfriend?)

I went out last night to see someone, and Aspen was struggling with this. At a work event, Aspen vented to Cedar about what I was going and why it was upsetting.

Cedar told Birch during what I believed to be their break up conversation, and Birch has lashed out. He implied I cheated on him before we broke up (I didn't), and essentially made his emotions about the breakup my problem. To top of it all off, he's asked for a present back that I very much like, and I've had to agree or he was going to put it to a vote (in a group consisting of Birch, Aspen, Cedar, Birches' fiancée, and a non-poly friend).

I'm angry at Aspen for a lack of judgement, Cedar for spreading information that's none of their concern, and Birch for flying off the handle at me. Feeling really lost and alone, as I thought the friendships could at least be intact.

Feeling pretty hurt and frustrated. Apologies in advance for length.

Background: Partner "J" has an 8 year old daughter, "B". The kid's mother died a few years ago and she now lives with maternal grandparents. J and I have been in an LDR for 18 months, after many years of friendship. I travel to stay with him every 1 out of 4 weeks and video call a lot.

I was introduced to B sooner than I expected, about 6 months in. She was told I'm dad's friend. From then on I would see her every few weeks. We bonded easily.

I met the rest of J's family at an event, where I realised that B has more of a relationship with me than any of her aunties/uncles. They were all told I was his girlfriend, but I wasn't allowed to mention that we're poly.

Recently, J has told me that B keeps asking him if he's going to find her a new mummy. She also specifically asked if I could be her new mummy. According to grandma (whom J is also telling we are "just friends", as though she's stupid), B has brought me up this way a lot.

Instead of being honest that we are in a relationship, or explaining that that's not how it works - (i.e. You can't replace mum, but I hope to be a close family friend) - J told B he'll "think about it". He's now completely pulled back on me seeing her and insists I only visit his place when she's not there. After nearly a full year of knowing her.

J has also given me an ultimatum - leave my NP and be monogamous with him and a parent to B, or break up... Well, sort of break up. He wants us to stay together until he meets someone monogamous. He says he's "very happy" with the way things are between us, but I simply can't see B anymore unless we're mono.

Personally I think it's fucking weird to look for someone to parent your child. Turns out he dated a woman before me who B also got very attached to. He broke up with that woman because he didn't love her and realised he was using her for parental duties. And now he wants to do that again intentionally??

J told me at the start that I wasn't his first poly relationship. I would later find out he only had FWBs who knew about each other, not full relationships. He also told me he was cool with my NP, then a couple of months ago started insisting I need to tell him every time we have sex. I also found out his brother hates me because he thinks J is a side piece, as J refused to explain we were poly after the brother looked at my socials.

I'm so frustrated to find yet another person who treats poly as something you eventually give up to settle down "properly". And solves their jealousy issues by trying to control others.

I'm also confused because the idea of J dating other people has never upset me, but the idea of him settling monogamously after me feels devastating.

Apologies if this post is incoherent, I'm a mess. 6 months ago I had an NP and an LDR who DMed each other and a good relationship with my LDR's daughter. I've been treated like I'm doing something shameful when I'm the one who has been honest and loving.

A little context here, we’re LDR and don’t exactly have a title on things, but we visit every 2 months for a week. I’ve always been poly. They have not. There is an age gap as I’m a couple years older and have more experience. Right now they want to meet new people and have their own experiences with and without me. We talk every day all day and they reassure me more than anyone ever has. We sleep call every night. I have no complaints about this person and we are very much in love.

However, they have a friend they see who’s only 2-3 hours from them. They were doing this before we met. They meet 1-2 times per month. I found out this person is their ex but he states they would never date again, the love they have for them is different from me. Every time he goes or they come over, we obviously don’t talk much for 2-3 days. I find myself being jealous and anxious the whole time. He reassures me before and after his feelings for me (or even during) but idk why I’m feeling this way.

It’s not normal I’m like this and I’m debating on running away/ending it because I don’t know how to handle this. I’m torn because I don’t want to ruin what we have, but I hate how much it bothers me. Last time he spent over an hour talking to me about it and swears he doesn’t mind. I believe him, but I get mad at myself for not just being okay with it. Even if I distract myself or make plans to see a friend I have, it won’t get out of my head.

How would you communicate that your partner (whose been polyamorous for 10+ years) has largely been in the sort of KTP that allows partners to abdicate responsibility for issues with meta and to occasionally use polycule hang outs instead of time management? How would you tell your partner that they suck at being a hinge and coast by?

I have been thinking about this a lot and have my own ideas but wanted to come here and ask folks how they think it should be handled so I have better perspective.

Partner is an amazing partner. In isolation yhe relationship is actually probably one of the best I've ever had and he has admitted the same. Where the struggle can come in is he is a lazy hinge. He is triggered by "lazy" so I can't use it as a way to talk to him and the only other word that comes to mind is "bad". Worse my brain goes to examples but he does best with specifics and clarity of how to do better

How would you communicate what makes a good hinge or a poor hinge? What resources would you give someone very familiar with Polyam whose kind of skated by?

Example of what I mean???

The other day we were having a happy conversation where I explained I have tendency to pull back in order to avoid causing tensions for crossing boundaries. For the record, I'm trying to get better about this, but it has shown up a lot when it comes to him because... Truth be told he has a nesting partner that he's had for years but it's not what either of them want. Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But he insists on staying. I support his choices though for me that includes respecting that relationship.

I have been concerned how our relationship affects meta, and show it would feel to see him wanting escalation with me that he told them he does not want with them. TBH meta gets jealous but hides it behind fawning behaviors. Still I notice he is spending more time with me, he wants to buy a new house for me to move in, so I told him he needs to be thoughtful about working on this other relationship before bringing me into their challenges because I don't think meta is happy seeing how he treats me versus them . He listened but asked if I talked to meta about how they felt...I am friends with them, but not close at all. I told him I don't feel it's my place to ask Meta about their relationship. He keeps suggesting the three of us talk but I feel like that is inappropriate at this point.

I was able to tell him that what I needed was for a hinge to essentially be able to say "Don't worry about my other relationship and partner because that's my job." And "I know the consequences of my choices and I am choosing to pursue this with you". He listened but I don't think he fully understood. And I think part of his not understanding is he genuinely 1) has poor social skills, 2) is lazy and uncomfortable with emotional work 3) has no clue what good hinging means. He feels metas should go to each other if they have problems that are not extreme such as not wanting one in the house. So I am kind of flummoxed because I end up wanting to say he is lazy as a hinge or bad at it and I don't think that is helpful.

Hey everyone,

My wife and I have been happily married for a long time—16 years. About six months ago, we decided to open our marriage. Initially, it was more of an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) arrangement with a focus on physical connections, not emotional ones. Falling in love wasn’t part of the plan.

As we've gotten into it, I’ve realized that while I enjoy the open aspect, I don’t really need it—I just like having the option. I currently have a friend with benefits, and it’s a great situation: no emotional entanglements, just fun. I’m also not in a rush to seek out more partners; I’m just letting things unfold at a comfortable pace.

My wife, on the other hand, has had no shortage of attention, which I think is great for her. But with one guy in particular, things have deepened beyond what I expected. She says she’s not in love with him, but it’s close. He, on the other hand, is in love with her. She’s in the midst of some serious NRE, and I’m feeling the shift. There’s less time, less emotional energy for me, which I get. I can’t shake the feeling that he gets the best parts of her—while I get the day-to-day, the partnership, the responsibilities, the logistics. She wants to update our boundaries to allow for love, and I trust our bond (and her )enough to allow it I think, but fear a toothpaste out of the tube situation if that's not something I decide I'd like for my life long term.

She reassures me that nothing has changed between us, but I feel the difference. I’m starting to wonder if we have different fundamental approaches to this. She’s leaning more into polyamory and deep connections, while I just wanted an open dynamic without emotional attachments. I’m not mad at her, and I don’t think she’s done anything wrong—we’re still solid. But I don’t know if I can do this long-term.

So I’m here looking for advice from those more experienced in polyamory.

Is it truly possible for someone like me, who enjoys casual ENM, to be long-term compatible with someone like her, who wants deeper emotional relationships?

Can her falling in love with him really not take away from what we have? Or is that just something people say to make it easier?

Has anyone navigated something similar and found a way to make it work?

I appreciate any thoughts or experiences you can share.

Good morning poly people. I'm 4yrs Poly. My current partner is very new, less than a year poly and loving it . Shortly after we got together she began dating another guy who's been poly a lot longer, 15+yrs . When they were out last week he expressed to her that he would like her to be monogamous with him. She didn't think he was serious about it but when they went out again tonight he mentioned it again. She's been really happy happy Since she's been poly and hasvno plans on returning to a monogamous relationship dynamic and has assured me that isn't going to change. But we're both perplexed to happen she loves us both very much but doesn't know how to proceed if he keeps bringing up being monogamous with him especially since he has on the partners and still dates. Has anyone here experienced anything like this?

This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?

This is your spot!

Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!

Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!

We do KTP, meta and I are friends (we actually met before husband and they did, not by a whole lot tho), meta is part of an established polycule that I’ve recently been embraced into. I posted for advice on attending my first polycule gathering for a winter solstice party in December- all the advice was very helpful and the party was just so lovely and everyone had a great time.

The husband turns 40 on the 16th and he, his partner and myself have decided to go shrooming in a Redwood forest on the 14th to celebrate! I’m really looking forward to it, it’s gonna be so fun and weird and deep and silly and awkward and connective and probably a bunch of other shit and I’m stoked for all of it, even the highly possible uncomfortable parts.

We’ve spent a lot of time planning and thinking about this adventure we’re going on. The two of them have had specific talks about it and their concerns/hopes about it, they and I spent an hour or so doing the same thing the other day, and the three of us are gonna have a final discussion about it together next week.

The final neat bit is husband’s actual birthday falls on their regular date day, and I am anticipating him very trepidatiously telling me he’s planning on keeping the date and celebrating with them on his actual bday. We have spent every actual bday date together for the last 11 years and when the two of them got together I was super anxious about how it would feel for me to not spend his bday with him if he chose to spend it with meta, and I’ve expressed that to him a few times in the past. Where I’m at now tho makes me very excited to look him in the eye (if/when it comes up) very seriously and say “I will only be ok with that if you adhere to 2 conditions- have the best time you possibly can, and think about me when you miss me but don’t waste fun times worrying about me.”

Poly is a challenge for sure, but man I’ve never felt more like a capable adult who can care for herself AND knows how to appropriately reach out for help when needed. Am I perfect? No way. But I’m growing in ways I wouldn’t have access to otherwise and it feels so fucking satisfying.

I am a poly woman in my late 30s and have a 6 year nesting partner (an absolute dream) who I have a superb relationship with. Our communication is so clear and assertive and I have never felt more secure in my life. It has actually changed the way I communicate with other people— personally, intimately, and even professionally and I feel the most confident I have in my whole life.

Which is why I am so utterly confused when it comes to this other person I’ve been involved with for more than a year now. We have great physical chemistry (of course 🙃) and have a lot in common and I find him to be very familiar to me, which in turn makes things easy. The problem is, the familiarity is not full of the most positive attributes: he is an extremely passive communicator (which I used to be), has a traumatic background (raises hand), and is often taken care of by women who take on a lot of emotional labor (literally my entire female bloodline).

I feel like I’ve gone down several roads. I did the “it’s all good, let’s just see where things go” and hit a wall. Then I tried asserting myself and hit a wall. Then I ended things and really missed this person, so I wanted to try again. Then I tried mutually communicating needs and desires and we ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation, which is kind of working. But deeper feelings keep springing up for both of us. Which there’s nothing wrong with! You just have to address those feelings as they come up.

I was out of town for a few weeks and recently sent him a pretty long note after a lot of reflection (and therapy), explaining what I really needed and wanted and why. He responded positively and I found myself excited about our dynamic shifting upon my return. One of the things I asked for was to make specific plans (days and times, you know, the way most adults with a calendar are used to). When I got back I was so excited to see him; but the two times he has suggested plans have been SO passive that I feel like I’ve reached the end of my rope. I am frustrated, sure. But more than that, I feel like there’s nothing else I can do and have no choice but to end things.

Plan 1: “I’m going to watch a football game with some friends. Come if you want.”

Realizing that this was an invitation to join plans that were already set, I went and felt glad to meet his friends. No problem.

Plan 2 “If you ever around this area of the city (where he works), there are places where we can enjoy a beer or pastry.”

It was such a bizarre sentence formulation, but I wanted to affirm his effort (?). So, I said “Totally, but you can just also ask me to get a beer. We don’t have to have me invent a reason for our timing to magically work out.”

And then I made the cardinal mistake of following up with “But can I ask why you make passive invitations?”

I could tell by the short response he felt triggered. “I can’t get into all this right now, but thank you.”

And it just makes me feel like I’m being some broke life coach when I don’t mean to be. And I also feel like this person is mangling the English language just to not assertively make plans with me. Talking to my nesting partner about it, he said, “you might think he’s trying to be too cool, but he might just be cool, meaning, he’s really leaving it up to you to spend time together.”

I just feel like putting the onus all on me to assert something that is true for both of us—that we enjoy spending time together—is in a weird way still making me emotionally labor for affection and attention we both want. He loves when “it works out” that we see each other. But things don’t just magically work out. People make choices! And every time I ask him to make a choice, it’s like he hunkers down in his refusal to make one and it’s rendering what can, at times, feel like a strong bond into nothing. But then he saves all that intense emotional energy for when we’re engaging in sex and I feel like this person can’t live without me.

I don’t want to diagnose, but I can’t help but think there’s some disorganized attachment/passive communication as trauma response happening. And while I would love to talk through it with him, because I’m not his primary partner, he closes off from conversations like that with me. I feel like I’m seeing all the things from all the books and everything I’ve learned is rendered useless by someone who won’t meet me halfway. So, I guess I have my answer. I just end up feeling stifled, silenced, and like the only way to make this person feel safe is to blatantly ignore my own discomfort. It’s been a year of “maybe, if it works, that might be possible, let’s play it by ear, wish I could.” Basically everything but yes. And it’s turned my excitement to see where the wind blows into an anxiety about there even being a breeze.

As I prepare to bow out, any tips on how I can keep it a conversation and not just make a bunch of accusations? I don’t want to make him feel bad and I wish we could work through it together, but I don’t think it’s where he’s at and it does make me sad. We are both people pleasers and even in ending things I feel like I want to make him happy—which is WILD behavior, I know! 😩

Burner account because I don't use reddit.

Here's the situation: Partner is poly, I am not. We both love each other very much and the relationship is going wonderfully, no complaints, handshakes, pats on the back all round.

I am not sure if I am alright with being part of a poly relationship (a metamor possibly, please correct me if I have this incorrect) mostly due to not being poly myself, and I did communicate this before the relationship started. Partner was in another relationship when we were more casual. Relationship started after they unfortunately broke up.

Partner has continually assured me that this is not a deal breaker, that they are not looking for another partner, and that in the case they spontaneously find one we can figure something out. All is good, mostly.

The issue is I am not sure if I will ever be comfortable enough and I'm worried this will cause my partner grief in the long run. Our communication is fairly robust, but I'm worried how it will hold up with another partner in the mix. I have gone through periods of feelings ~alright~ with the idea of them taking on another partner, interspaced with periods of being very upset at the idea.

I'm worried that my partner is holding back for our relationship's benefit, and am absolutely terrified of the conversation we have to have when they do find someone they might consider dating.

I guess the real question on my mind is, do I continue to try and work on myself, hoping that in the meantime my partner is happy with just our relationship. Hoping that when the time comes, I will be ready, with the risk I am not. Or do I break it off now, which comes with a host of its own complications.

Sorry for rambling, thank you for listening.

Advice is always welcomed, writing all this out helps a lot.

Hi friends! I’ve been poly for a few years and have met most of my partners in “the real world” which I’ve been lucky. I was wondering how you all dated online

I know a lot of people use Feeld, but I’m really curious what other avenues you consider. Also, what do you look for when dating online? And what do you consider successful online dating, especially being poly?

I think I (29F) just got dumped for the first time- if one can be dumped by a partner you’re not officially dating.

So I made a few poly no-nos and here I am. I wound up sleeping with a friend (Seagrape, 34M) back in May of 2024. We had a brief chat right before fucking that basically amounted to “we’re friends and value that, don’t make this weird” and “I am poly & dating someone long distance but trying to focus on my relationship with myself & I’m not necessarily available to date you.” We had great chemistry and got along well so we wound up sleeping together more regularly and spending more and more and more time together until I was essentially living with him.

In September, I had the month off, so went to visit my girlfriend (Aspen, 31F) and wound up formalizing my relationship with my other Colorado partner (Birch, 30M) and had a fantastic time. My living partner/casual sex friend, Seagrape, did know I was poly and in a committed long term relationship before we slept together but I didn’t have much of a conversation checking on him, his feelings, the status of our relationship before I left or at any point and that’s on me. When I got back, we picked things right up and all was going well. Seagrape had been encouraging me to just put my things away in the dresser at his place instead of living out of a bag while sleeping there every night but due to my own past trauma and trust issues, I had a really hard time feeling okay doing so. I get super weird when I have more stuff than I easily pack up and flee with in less than 10 minutes and there were a few stressful times I packed mostly up to run away but didn’t leave. I’m working on it. Anyway, eventually, sometime in December or late November, Seagrape finally demonstrated enough consistent support and stability and desire for me to feel comfortable putting my stuff away at his place. I felt really safe and loved (though we’d never said that to one another) and lucky to have such rewarding relationships and to be surrounded by so many wonderful people who care for me. I was getting a little worried about how much time I spent at Seagrape’s and how rarely I slept at home but every time I tried to check in and offer him more alone time and space, I was shot down or ignored, and I just really loved being able to fall asleep and wake up next to him. As the holidays approached, I warned Seagrape that I tend to degrade in December and encouraged him once again to ask for time and space if he needed it and asked that he please bring up any issues if they arose.

I had a better December than ever before but I still wasn’t my finest self. As Christmas approached, my best friend and sometimes lover (Oak, 30M) who is a close friend of Seagrape’s & how we first met, proposed a visit over the holidays. I was thrilled! He wanted to stay with me which is normal for us and fine. I discussed it with Seagrape and he voiced no complaints or concerns- only excitement. Once again, I committed a poly no-no and failed to initiate a conversation with Seagrape first to go over feeling and boundaries and check in. I also got a little weird and anxious and shitty and refused to leave any of my stuff behind and visible at Seagrape’s place and that was both unnecessary and shitty of me. Things had been fine so I assumed they’d still be fine. The three of us hung out several times and had a lovely time and no one seemed to be struggling.

I was feeling really great about how well Seagrape handled me having multiple partners and how great he was at supporting my other relationships and interacting with my other partners. I was feeling really loved by Seagrape, noticing how attentive he was to my feelings and struggles. I have been struggling to eat lately and he’d go really far out of his way to try to bribe, trick, and support me into taking care of myself. He spent $70 on a fancy new pillow to help me sleep better, having never spent more than $20 on a pillow or bedding ever before. He conquered his own fears and distastes to learn how to help me reset my wonky shoulder. He invited me to join him to spend time with his family and to meet up with old high school friends. He adjusted his nightly gaming sessions to be something more pleasant for me. He did a bunch of small things that showed great consideration for my comfort and well-being. I was taken aback by how smitten I was feeling and how nice it was to feel so loved and cared for and cherished.

About a month or two ago, Seagrape let me know we’d be getting rid of a dresser I was using a drawer of and that he was looking for a TV to donate to a member of his family. I don’t wanna go into too much detail but Seagrape has an unusual family dynamic. His local family aren’t his family by blood but they’re still family. He has two “brothers” and “Mama” who are his local family and who I’d met many times before. Mama and one of the brothers who live locally live with her partner, Papa. Papa has a few kids of his own from prior to the relationship and one of them (Sandspur, 34F) was moving back home to live with them along with her 11 year old kid. Seagrape was kindly trying to get them set up with a more comfortable living space. As the date approaches, he confided in me that he had an enormous crush on Sandspur as a kid and was hoping to shoot his shot. I was genuinely excited for him, albeit a little concerned about the ramifications for his family dynamic if things didn’t work out, and strove to be as supportive and accommodating as possible. He brought me over to the family house to meet Sandspur and hang out with the family, she was super attractive, I was excited for him and excited for a chance to be his hype guy!

So Seagrape goes about pursuing Sandspur but gets a little more avoidant and sneaky and less present- doing things like spending time we set aside to hang out with each other with his nose absolutely buried in his phone to the point of not knowing anything going on around him. I didn’t love the lack of attention when I was physically there and tried to bring it up to discuss. It didn’t really help anything. He just seemed angry. We took a few days apart and I really missed him- kinda hoped he’d missed me too- but when we got back together, he barely even looked at me. The next time I left his place, I woke up late after hardly sleeping and was in a rush to get to work. I knew he had plans the next day but he had been weirdly avoidant and told me nothing about what they were. He rarely entertains at home but also doesn’t have a car. Thinking nothing of it, I left my bathrobe and bra hanging on the chair at my desk/nightstand and rushed off to work.

A week or so later after some more weird avoidance and shitty attention, I came over after we both had some dinner plans.I wanted to talk about some boundaries with regard to safe sex and time and maintaining emotional intimacy- and I realize that it was super shitty of me not to have this conversation before when I went to spend time with partners of my own. I really regret not being more mindful and considerate and proactive in regard to Seagrape’s feelings. He seemed really bothered and resistant to the boundary talk. When I showed up, Seagrape was in the bathroom on the phone which was… unusual. Before I could even put my bag down or say hello, he spat out in a wrathful tone something along the lines of “we need to stop having sex” but in phrasing that sounded distinctly unlike him. He also confirmed that he’d slept with Sandspur (yay! he realized his childhood dreams!) the night before and said really angrily that he’d tried to use a condom (I requested he use condoms with other parents and inform me if he hadn’t done so) but she said she was allergic to latex so they just had unprotected sex instead. He said Sandspur wasn’t dating him but was insisting on monogamy for them to sleep together and that he wanted to keep doing that. I was absolutely blindsided. Embarrassing to admit but I’ve never been dumped before. He hadn’t brought up any major issues before outside of a fight or two. I had tried to check in when he seemed frustrated or unhappy with me in the past but he always brushed it off and excused it as just being tired or something.

Seagrape had just confirmed plans for dinner the next night. We had just slept together a few nights prior. I was looking forward to having a talk about how it would be healthier for us to have more space and time away from each other, how I wanted to add more structure and routine back, lots of practical maintenance things, plans for the future (I’m moving out of this state to the state where Aspen & Birch live, which Seagrape was very aware of and initially wanted to join me as a roommate), I wanted to clarify the terms of our relationship and some boundaries, and I was gonna tell him I loved him. I was NOT expecting to get dropped like a hot potato. Seagrape had so much anger dripping from his voice and wouldn’t talk to me at all about the why. He also told me that I “grow less likable with time” and that he “started liking me less” and being “bothered and frustrated by [me]” at the beginning of December but didn’t say anything. I was too upset and exhausted to go home so wound up sleeping at Seagrape’s and cuddling most of the night after we agreed we were too tired and should stop fighting and pick it up the next day. At some point, I regrettably came onto him while half-asleep in bed. It was more an automatic half-asleep routine behavior based on previous interactions. I wasn’t thinking at all, I was mostly asleep, I was craving connection and I had honestly forgotten he’d asked for no sexual contact earlier. I’m ashamed of myself. I stopped and apologized and rolled way over to the other side of the bed to try and fail to sleep.

So I went the next night to have dinner and talk more. Told Seagrape I loved him. Tried to talk about how I was happy for him to pursue Sandspur but not at the cost of our relationship and how I felt blindsided and frustrated and hurt. We eventually, after much rage and avoidance on his part and rage and tears on my part, wound up agreeing to a month long break conveniently ending in the middle of the week Birch visits- making it a 5 week break. Seagrape said he wanted to see me no more than once a week, if that, and that no sexual contact would occur but cuddling was fine.

The next time we hung out, he was super weird and avoidant and it felt like he was going super far out of his way not to even brush my hand but Seagrape hadn’t said anything at all and I couldn’t tell if I was just being insecure or hungry or overly-sensitive or downright delusional. It felt really shitty and jarring and confusing. He didn’t say anything about the change or clarify the new boundary. I’m a very affectionate and touchy person. I don’t have a single platonic friend I couldn’t cuddle with.

I’ve been trying to salvage the friendship and talk about things since then but Seagrape has been REALLY angry and avoidant and reactive and scathing. He keeps acting like it’s about his need for more space. I don’t think that’s the case. I’m not sure he has the emotional maturity to confront his own emotions here either.

Our communication since has been worse than ever before. He really struggles with giving direct and clear answers and I really struggle with being succinct.

I feel like such an idiot. I’m even more upset with myself for being upset.

Theres more context but I’m already too verbose and I… I don’t know if I need validation or advice or a hug or a hard slap to the face but it feels like I need something and I don’t know where to look for it other than here.

Maybe I need help knowing whether it’s pathetic or not to still want things to somehow workout. I know I shouldn’t resume things as they were or try to escalate them after our break. I just can’t help feeling so sad about the sudden loss, so blindsided and humiliated, so confused and disappointed, and still like all I want to do is curl up next to him in bed again or cuddle up on the couch.

Agh. Sorry everyone for rambling so much and for not knowing what I or need out of this. Anyways, thanks for reading.

Me (23M) and my current poly partner (M22) decide on a break near the end of November but we both agreed on at least messaging each other once a day. But out of no where to decided for us to have sex half way through the break but still stressed we were on break... Now they constantly ignore more even after I offer to hang out never responding when I ask them when we can come back from the break which they promised we would... Idk if I should keep trying at this point

I have difficulty with feelings of insecurity. I started dating a couple past year, at first to get some threesome fun and experience, but I fell in love with one of them over time. After 5 months I indicated I wanted to continue seeing one of them, with whom I shared romantic feelings. They have been ENM for a long time, but not poly and were at the time I met them looking for a another partner to add to their relationship. I explained the toxicity of unicorn hunting to them, and that I did not see that happening with me. They discussed together and decided that it was okay for the person I felt romantic towards to pursue a secondary relationship with me.

We have been happily in love for the past 8 months, discovering this new dynamic and each other. It has been amazing.

There are two challenges though. For some context I also have a nesting partner, with whom I live with. I feel insecure about my secondary partner. He lives within a more queer space than me in which he knows most of his friends through sexual experiences and dating apps. It boils down to him having had some sexual past with most of his friends that I met. Some of them are also still interested in him. With my nesting partner I tend to feel secure with her romantic & sexual activity outside of me. With my secondary partner I tend to feel very insecure. While he is not even dating anyone besides me and his np, I still can’t shake the feeling. I feel annoyed by my insecurity around it, I thought I did the work with NP over the years and would have expected myself to be more resilient and secure by now.

The second thing is that my partners partner is restricting how often I can see my secondary partner. (Around 1 night a week and another half day somewhere in the week) He is insecure about it and has a lot of anxiety. Overtime it has been getting better but still quite challenging. I find this very difficult, and think my insecurity is also caused by feeling restricted. I worry that if my partner finds another person I will lose the time we have now together which is limited. He keeps expressing he does not need or want to seek more, besides the occasional threesome with his np (we also still do that from time to time). We live in different cities, while his network mostly lives in the same city, so there is some physical distance between us.

I want to not worry about it all the time and stop feeling insecure but I can’t seem to find the exit to this tunnel. It has been eating me up. My love language is physical touch and I don’t feel the same connection over phone or texting. The longer I don’t see a partner the more insecure I start to feel. I am male in my thirties my secondary partner is as well. Does anybody have any advice?

Hi, I'm new here. Not to polyamory just the sub! Anyway let's get into it, apologies if it's rambly.

I (27 nb) and my partner (let's call him Tim) (25 M) have been poly together for about 2 years now, LTR for 3. I've been in poly and open relationships since I was 18, so I have a good bit of experience when it comes to setting and enforcing boundaries. Unfortunately I feel like one has been... somewhat (?) breached as of tonight.

He recently went on a date with a new person (very excited for him, he's been struggling with dating app hell for awhile), but didn't have, as he put it, "going out money". This prompted him to ask to revisit our rules and boundaries, and I said I'm still not sure about having a Strange Person in our apartment for a first date. We set some rules: if anything happens not in the bed please, I would like to know what time the date starts, I would be out of the house at work and would be fine staying out a bit later than expected if he gave me a heads-up. This is where the issue comes in.

I was at work until 9:30 tonight, his date started around 6:45 ish. I asked if he needed me to stay out a bit longer and go to my best friends place for a short while. He said yes, and he'd let me know when it was okay. The short while we had previously agreed upon was roughly 30 minutes to an hour, as I was working a double today. After 45 minutes I texted him to ask for an update, and didn't receive a response until almost midnight. Which was welllllll past the time I said I would be okay staying out. I had also asked him to save me a bit if the food he was planning to make (he went to culinary school and works in food service so it's always delicious), because he'd been talking it up. Like to the point I knew every ingredient going in.

So after I get home (3 hours later than he said they'd really need), he doesn't greet me like he usually does, the apartment smells absolutely delightful. I ask him what took so long, he said after I texted him that I was off and heading to my best friends place, they decided to watch a movie. I asked about leftovers, to which I was told there was none "except some rice and a little bit of the sauce (he) made" despite his promise to save a bit for me. After I spent nearly 3 hours after the agreed upon time faffing about waiting for him to actually open my text. I feel like a boundary that a loosened on his behalf has been broken, and honestly the whole thing has given me the ick and feels kind of frankly asshole-ish.

I haven't spoken to him about it yet because I wanted to approach it in a more level-headed manner, but I honestly have no idea what to say still. My gut is screaming to leave him (there have been other issues unrelated), but my brain is saying to talk it out. Any advice would be awesome!

TLDR: Partner brought a date he recently met home, ignored our agreement, causing me to stay out of the house nearly 3 hours after the agreed upon time in the middle of the night

Original: Partner seeing their first secondary is triggering insecurities I didn't know I had. : r/polyamory

In short, I (34M) came to accept the new guy and got used to it. I even accepted it even when they (33NB) brought in yet another other casual partner. But they still ended things with me anyway.

The signs it was coming were obvious. Over the past couple months, They became somewhat less affectionate and more critical. They became uncomfortable with too-intense displays of affection. Our calls got shorter. It became pretty glaring when they said they wanted to scale our visits back from once a week to every other week, which struck me as pretty infrequent to see a partner. At that point, taking for granted that they wouldn't change their mind, it was clear that I wouldn't get the emotional fulfilment I needed from them anyway unless I worked towards nesting - which I didn't want to do, as they live in a smaller city a couple hours away that I have no interest in moving to. I just couldn't tell the cause.

Until I got "the text" Tuesday. They said that they'd never intended to get into a relationship in the first place, our connection just led to one that they weren't prepared for. They have trauma due to a failed marriage, other abandonments, and a bad childhood, so relationships are extremely hard for them and they'd been having panic attacks over it. They weren't able to handle the intensity or responsibility for someone else in that way.

I said I wasn't willing to scale back to a situationship or a "let's not put a label on it," so they responded that they respected me enough not to string me along emotionally and make it a definite breakup. We called and discussed it, and they told me they love me just as much as ever, will probably always love me, and I did nothing wrong.

...And it's fine.

It was the most mature, respectful, and amicable breakup I've ever had, and I felt relief, even. Surprising me, I haven't cried about it at all. In hindsight, they show the signs of an avoidant attachment style, even if they're aware of their problems and in therapy about it - which is what gave them the confidence to end it - and I've dealt with that enough to have no interest in trying to wring blood out of a stone. We're not a good fit for the kind of serious LTR I'm looking for, and I expressed that.

It's no one's fault, and we agreed to be friends, which is ideal. Which we'd said we'd do early on if we ever broke up anyway. I don't even feel the need to go hard NC, although they said they want some more space for now so they'll feel comfortable reaching out later, which I agree is for the best.

...Although, just later that day, there was a minor disaster on the other side of the city where I live, and they were the only person besides my immediate family to reach out to see if I'm OK. (Despite the odds I was affected being infinitesimally small.) So I feel there's still mutual interest in communication.

And since the relationship was only 4 months, I intend to move on without wallowing. I'll take the time I need to process things etc., but I've started taking a look at what's out there again, even if not dating yet.

But what I'm dealing with now is the uncertainty of everything.

Despite a casual relationship a hard no in my current situation, if I were to find a primary - one thing I've learned from this is that I am hierarchal - I'd be fine taking them back on as a secondary or comet. Just because they can't give me what I wanted doesn't mean I never want to feel their touch or kiss again. I'm considering floating that proposal after we take space - although if the answer's no and they want to stay platonic, I can also live with that. I'm pretty resilient and I think I can deal with most outcomes except them having no presence in my life at all.

Although after this on top of my previous experiences, I have begun to wonder if despite still believing ENM is a good idea in theory, the only way to find someone interested in meeting all my needs would be to date monogamously. Except a mono person would probably not be OK with me talking to them at all, even platonically, and I have no interest in that lack of trust and restriction anyway. My main problem with monogamy is that I find the absolutist norms of it really off-putting.

But for my own part, I'll admit that I'm trying to cling to some connection to avoid the hopelessness of having nothing. I was already going through a really rough time before this (friend attempted suicide, job has me working a ton of OT, money problems), and between this, the upcoming economic/societal crash wrecking my other plans, I feel like everything I had to look forward to has been taken away at once, and the idea of having no foreseeable future with anyone or anything might actually make me shut down.

Bad mindset, I know, but figured it's better to be honest. At least since the last post, I've found a good therapist.

Note... I am 41 and he is 61. He does not have money. I have a wonderful career...

We have dated a year and a half!! I have asked for his help under 10 times! I am a single mom!!! I told him last weekend that I wanted him to be my primary partner (which he agreed to and said he fully understood that I was wanting Consensual Non Monogamy)! This week I asked him to grab my daughter's two days this week after they missed the bus. I had meetings to go to and he did not need to go to work until 2 pm. I had to be at work at 730 am.

Tonight we go out. I can tell he is not acting like his normal self and then after the night is over her says that he felt used this week!!! I have literally hardly asked for any help or assistance since we have dated!! And this is what I am hearing tonight because he is mad at me for being honest and clarifying what I wanted to happen by this weekend!!! WTF.

Might not matter, I think we broke up tonight because I lost my mind over all of this!

I am so excited, I’m also going to be meeting two of my metas during my visit that I’ve gotten along with great. We have sooooo many fun things planned, but also normal things like cooking with eachother and me helping them organize their bookshelves. (Not a skill of theirs, totally in my wheelhouse.) This visit has been a long time coming, and their presence in my life even with a long distance connection has been such an amazing blessing to me.

I have done long distance before, but that was before I’d openly embraced poly and it did not work for me as a mono relationship. Poly has allowed us to foster a connection that matters to us both that we wouldn’t have been open to otherwise.

This visit also means I’m going to be away from my NP for that time. She doesn’t currently have other partners. I’ve set up scheduled phone check ins, a few video dates, etc. But she’s been struggling with a lot of stuff lately outside of our relationship and I feel badly I won’t be as available to her while I’m away.

I’ve encouraged her to reach out to friends and make plans to see some people she likes to spend time with.

Now I’m wondering what else I can do to extend support or just give her sweet pick-me-ups that remind her she’s still a priority even though I’m spending time and focusing my energy on my other partner for the duration.

Does anyone here have to visit with long distance partners and have anything extra they do to make sure their local partners still feel appreciated and loved in those moments? I’d love to hear some ideas!

After a disastrous two month long search for a new home, today I signed a lease for a new place that I take possession of Feb 15!!! It has been a truly nightmarish January for me and the stress of looking for a new house sent my autoimmune condition into a flare, my body attacked my EYES for the first time, other health conditions started acting up, and now I’m dealing with a stalker at work 😩

My polycule has been SO incredibly calm and unbothered around me while I’ve felt like my entire life is completely falling apart and I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to be surrounded by such incredible people. They’ve all shown me so much care, reminded me to be kind to myself(and my body), sent me listing after listing for potential homes that they searched for in their personal time, calmed me tf down and listened to me while I cried and reassured me that everything would fall into place…

And now they are giving up their Valentine’s Day(and the day after) to get me from one house to another and help me unpack and get settled in.

This morning during what felt like the 100th trip out to the city for viewings(that went bad) I was just about ready to check out of life but having both my people AND my metas there to celebrate with me after the call came that I got the place I viewed earlier his week was so so special to me and I could tell that they felt my joy and relief as their own.

I’m an immigrant with no family here and I went through a brutal divorce shortly after coming to this country and was left with basically nothing so I’ve worked SO hard to collect nice things for myself, and my polycule has also taken it upon themselves to gift me beautiful(and functional) things for my home on every possible occasion. As a result I now get to look around my little home and see so much love in things like cool wall art, salt and pepper shakers(I collect them), measuring cups and spoons(a Christmas gift from my person, who was shocked and appalled that I had none)…. I am feeling VERY loved and cared for every day but especially right now!! And I can’t wait to have everyone over once I’m settled in😭

i have no one to talk to about this so this is purely for venting. sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. i posted here a few months ago about my “partners” not being able to give me what i need in a relationship. (i quote partners bc they were married to each other and i was unknowingly a unicorn 🤡) i never saw a change in their efforts so i stopped bringing it up and started distancing myself. i know that’s not the healthiest option but i’m still working through a lot of abandonment/rejection trauma. idk if they just didn’t notice a difference or just didn’t ask/care. eventually the physical contact came to a zero and we were just roommates at best. relationship between them never changed tho. i’m moving back home now, a state away. a lot came into that decision but a small part was because the only two people i know and trust here don’t really care about me how i thought/hoped. i know it’s mainly my fault for expecting more. but it still hurts. even now as i’m packing and they’ve moved out and i’m getting everything situated, one wont talk to me unless i’m continually double and triple texting and the other one (who i was closer with) just doesn’t act/treat me like it was a few months ago. there’s A LOT more at play with this relationship but it’s too much for me to type/process right now. i honestly don’t think i’ve ever had a healthy relationship, and this being my first poly “relationship” makes me really question if i should ever be vulnerable with anyone again. i get attached too easily and become codependent. was i actually the problem the whole time? am i crazy? bc i feel like i’m going crazy. thank you if you read thru this all. sorry again if it doesn’t make sense or sounds silly.

Hi. I've been a Reddit lurker forever, never posted. I never thought this would be what I'd post, but here I am. I could use some advice. I'm new to all this, so please be kind if I say something stupid or screw something up.

TLDR: Hubby wants to open marriage, I'm willing to try but scared shitless. Biggest reason? The new person will be able to see hubby much more than me, and I'm worried about how that will impact us.

I (33F) and my husband (35M) have been together for 8 years, married for 4. No kids, but busy careers as medical professionals at two different hospitals in the same city. We've always been happy without any serious issues, and we really are best friends.

About three weeks ago, he told me he was developing feelings for a friend at work (F30). I know her (we met a few times). She's great, I can see why he would fall for her. He swears his love and commitment to me haven't changed. It wasn't easy to hear, but I believe him. I know he still loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end. He asked if I would consider opening, but if I'm not comfortable, he would end the friendship and move on.

I've been lurking long enough to know some things I'll hear, like opening up for another person is never a good idea. I get that, but a little more context. We've always been mono, but live in a community where polyamory isn't exactly uncommon. We have openly NM friends and my uncle has been in a triad since I was a kid and I always thought he had one of the healthiest in our family. So, while I've never considered myself poly, I'm not opposed. I'm not as 'horrified' as most mono people would be. Hubby and I always had a rule. No cheating, ever, but if either of us ever developed feelings or a strong attraction to anyone else, we'd discuss it. That's what best friends do, right? And he kept his word.

Right now, he's giving me time to process, and he's been patient, kind and isn't pushing me. I geet this isn't about anything I've done wrong. I know he can love/have feelings for more than one person. I've been trying to do the work and I'm getting there, but I still have moments where I completely panic.

Here's my biggest problem: Yes, love is infinite, but time isn't. Because of our very demanding jobs, we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like to begin with, and I fear this will only make it worse. The other woman works at his hospital but isn't a doctor and has normal hours. They'll see each other at work, and her work schedule can accommodate much more time for them to spend together than mine does. I haven't even discussed time issues w/ hubby yet because it terrifies me. I feel like they'll just naturally become the primary couple and I'll be idk, forgotten? Minimized? Every time I think of this, my insecurity soars, and I just break down.

I love him, I don't want to deny him this connection, and I'm willing to try, but I'm scared to death. Can you offer any direction? Thanks.

Has it happened to anyone that your partner wanted to have unprotected sex with their other partner and also with you, and you didn’t like the idea? In my case, the thought of my partner not using a condom with me and his other girlfriend grosses me out, but I can’t understand why I feel this way. Rationally, I know that if we all get tested and everything is okay, it shouldn’t be a problem… but I still get this awful feeling. If this has happened to anyone, how did you work through it? He's okay with not doing that for the moment until I figure this out but I know they truly want to be able to do it, that's why I want to work that out. But I really don’t know why that idea disgusts me so much.

So, I, Federico (34), have a long distance anchor polyamorous relationship with Isabella (39). We are a few weeks from seeing each other, as I will travel to their country to spend the summer with them and, hopefully, see how our bond develops/flourishes in person. During that period, we have decided to close up our relationship.

Recently, we had a boundary/agreement problem because of a trust boundary that they broke, for which they apologized and we discussed and were able to solve. In essence, an incident regarding safe-sex practices. For context, we are both new to ENM/polyamory. Around 4 months.

A few days ago, before our monthly check-in, they told me that they had accepted an invitation to fly to another city to meet a person whom they met through a dating app for a festival. They told me as they were about to board the airplane. Normally, I would have no problem with them seeing other people as that is why we got into ENM in the first place, however, I cannot help but feel slightly hurt because they made the decision to fly to another city and spend the weekend with this person without even mentioning it to me first.

Am I exaggerating in feeling hurt by this? Or even jealous of the fact that I can't be with them during this time? Should I bring this issue up in our next check-in? Of course, I want them to have a good time and all, but I can't feel it was inconsiderate with me. Especially because I still feel vulnerable from the last trust boundary situation we had recently.

Thank you for the patience and answers. We are trying really hard to navigate through this. I am trying to navigate through my emotions also in a way that does not invalidate them, but it is also fair with Isabella and our agreements.

Please reference the first half of the story here

https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1ie5tas/went_on_a_date_with_a_married_man_i_didnt_know/

To summarize, I met a guy on a dating app who I believe it was his first time exploring outside of his marriage. BUT HE DID NOT DISCLOSE THAT.

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because

1. This was his first time exploring, for some reason I'm the guinea pig in these. And he may have not realized he can just be up front, honest and people would be open to his situation.

2.he says his wife already has a boyfriend. I wasn't sure I believe him but now I'll be meeting her to find out 3.their kids has special needs so I believe they would have a really hard time with a seperation and divorce 4, I know I will REALLY like him. It's just an immediate connection that I never have with anyone.

So after we met up the first time and I realized he was married... I told him we can either all meet up together with his wife if they really are open... OR let me know when they're divorced... which should have nothing to do with me... but if that's the direction they're going in, I'm not going to be involved til it's over.

So now we are supposed to all meet up next week. I know he's been on dates with other girls. But this would be the first time they're hanging out with another person together.