Welcome to /r/Polyamory!

Hi so yall have probably seen similar stuff out there, but i really need some advice.
So a bit of context, my girlfriend was already in poly with 3 people before we met. I was well aware of that when deciding to be with her and was okay with it, everything went great, I got to meet those people (althought they didn't really like me for some reason, they seemed cold and just plain weird), we're together now for over a year and few months ago I started developing jealousy? I think that's the correct term, I love my gf very much and I don't want to leave her, but jealousy is eating me inside out, I just wish we were the only two together so I wouldn't have to worry. She's the best that has ever happened to me but it's just starting to get on my emotional health, any mention of her other partners or even just seeing their name just ruins my day and I end up just crying it out. We've talked about this and at one point I felt like I had to leave her but I really couldn't bring myself to it :(
I have no idea what to do with myself anymore, I don't want to leave her but also I don't want to share her, even tho im the newest in her relationship

Is it just me or other guys go through this as well, i get more interactions or more likes from guys than women. Is it just the way it is or is it me.

My husband[34M] and I[27F] (both cisgender/straight-ish) are exploring ENM. We were monogamous for 5 years since the start of our relationship, been married for 3.

We now believe being ENM will be a satisfactory relationship for both of us. Our experience has been just swinging and a few FMF threesome with people we meet on dating apps in the past year. We are choosing to stay on the primary partner/hierarchical form of ENM, soooo not so much full-on multiple intense relationship and communicating as such with all respective casual partners/FWBs.

I haven’t gone on many solo dates because I feel like we are still doing the work to unpack jealousy and essentially just normalizing having our respective primary partner be with somebody else sexually/romantically. It’s a process we are being very careful and deliberate about and are taking our sweet ol’ time. Couples swapping as a straight-ish couple has been much easier and for lack of a better term, mutually “successful”.

My partner’s lack of recent dating success despite his best efforts has made me realize that opening up a previously monogamous long term relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. And married men obviously carry some negative connotations when being viewed by polyamorous women interested in dating men. And sincerely, I am extremely happy with our relationship as it is now. I never want him to feel steamrolled so dating on my side has been slower to match his feelings and comfort level.

My partner has an ex-coworker who I sort of fancied back in our monogamous days. Single bachelor type who we all get along with. Just someone who I thought I got along with well and had crush-y feelings that would fade easily. The thought of “oh, I bet this guy would be fun to go on a date with” summarizes my feelings on our brief exchanges in parties we’ve attended as a group over the years.

This guy now also lives in a different state. On one hand, I want to come out and tell my partner about this crush. I don’t feel like going full-on polyamorous with him is a huge risk or possibility especially since he lives out of state. I would love to have this guy as a dating option whenever he’s visiting our town or even just have a MFM threesome with him.

The other potential consideration is this person has some mutual friends with us who don’t know about this aspect of our life (being ENM/monogamish) and I fear if people found out, there would be gossip. So we’d absolutely have to ask for discretion on this guy’s part as that is just a boundary me and my primary partner have. Being “out” as ENM can be a whole can of worms and we simply don’t want to draw any kind of attention in our friend groups who are mostly monogamous types (either single or in couples).

TL;DR Again, ex-coworker who is a part of our social circle is someone I would date/be casual FWBs whether it’s one-on-one or in a threesome with primary partner. Worried about potential hurt feelings from primary partner (you had a crush on this guy when we were monogamous!? What!????) and the risk of shitting where you eat, although 1) this guy now lives in a different state and 2) partner and him no longer work for the same company. BUT We have some mutual friends (some who already know about us exploring ENM). Another caveat… did not open our relationship for this guy at all. I haven’t been pining for him desperately or anything like that.

He is my partner’s friend (more of an acquaintance at this point) and I’ve never had any direct communication to him except when we were in group hang out settings.

He has confessed that he really likes me and is open or asks me to be in a poly with me and my boyfriend.

I’m new to this idea of poly relationships. I have feelings for the both of them, but my boyfriend is only interested in me and his friend is also only interested in me.

I’ve heard of unicorn hunting and the such and I’m wondering if this is also the same?

Nothing will happen until I get the consent from my boyfriend, but I’m curious and want advice on what people will do in this situation or what kind of situation this is.

Living situation, I live with my boyfriend while his friend lives roughly 10 mins walk away from us. (If this info helps, because how do you live if you’re in a triad?)

Some kind advice would be really helpful now, or support. I am spiralling.

Me and my np have been having problems with intimacy for a long time. In the sense that he doesn’t want me. Even non sexual physical closeness is sometimes a problem.

He tries hard to make our relationship better and feels horrible for hurting me. But we cant seem to fix it.

He had a partner over while I was away and I am so anxious and feel really bad about myself. I feel so unwanted. Like the thought that she and him are having sex and he doesn’t want it with me makes me so sad. I’ve been crying and we were talking and fighting.

I’ve tried to come to terms with it. I have another partner too and there its all working well. It’s unfair that my np always has to be scared of me getting sad for when he has dates. But I cant help it. I imagine them together and then get sad over him not giving me that kind of attention.

We are married and live together and share a great friendship and will become parents together (yup Im pregnant). But still I am wildly jealous and feel very unwanted and unattractive and not accepted.

I want him to want me. I want him to kiss me and to feel that affection thats more than friendship or companionship.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/ceBkHSFlMX

Don’t want this to get lost in the comments, and kinda want to start a new conversation jumping off of this post.

I don’t do polyfi, but I’m curious because I’ve seen this sentiment repeated a lot in the comments of that post, but what’s unethical about polyfidelity having an agreement to not date others? When this sub is also constantly saying there’s nothing wrong with monogamy, which is also a relationship structure with a rule to not date outside of the relationship? Why is it bad if the closed relationship has more than two people in it, but the traditional closed two person relationship is fine?

Part of it seems to come from people judging polyfidelity by polyamory standards, which I don’t really understand either since it’s Not polyamory. Same genus, different species. They’re very closely related though.

And I’m not talking about unicorn hunting, I know why that’s unethical, but unicorn hunting = / = polyfidelity, and that seems to be the default assumption in these comments as well. We in this community love to remind others that this is an advice sub and therefore the posts are skewed towards people having issues in polyamory, but not to judge polyamory as something that “never works” because of the skewed posts. So why are we judging polyfidelity by the same things we ask others not to judge polyamory for?

I just dont get the idea that polyfidelity isn’t ethical. It can be done ethically, nothing about it is inherently unethical.

I have found some of my most affirming moments in polyamory have been between my therapist and I when I am working though feeeeelings around polyamory. Things that reminded me that I can feel xyz and still be polyamorous.

I think I’m coming around to the understanding that while I’ve been very fortunate in polyamory in some ways, it has also been a lonely and isolating experience in others. Sometimes, it has sucked. I’m going through a sucky time right now, I think. Feeling pretty blue about things directly related to polyamory.

I think I could feel better if I could talk about the parts that really! Fucking! Suck for me! But I find it so difficult in a community that is trying to hard to legitimize itself… it feels like there isn’t really space for those conversations anywhere.

I have sometimes thought about posting here but I know I already feel too raw about my life to open it up to strangers on the internet. I guess this is the closest I can get to actually talking about the parts that suck outside of therapy.

Does anyone else share that sentiment? That there’s no space to talk about the complexities of what sucks sometimes and actually be validated?

My (35M) partner (36F) approached me about opening our relationship ship. We’ve had a rocky history to say the least, but we’re getting back on track. To keep it short, I felt a ton of feelings about this, all negative. I have attachment anxiety and jealousy issues and many insecurities and abandonment issues, but I’ve been doing pretty intense therapy for the last 4 months trying to fix a lot of that. It’s been slower than I’d like, but going well.

My biggest concern is that I’ll lose them because I don’t understand polyamory or that I didn’t ’give it a shot’.

I want to be sold on as many of the positive aspects of polyamory that I can be. What are the positives?

I’m reading PolySecure and PolyWise (though I’m still in the beginning chapters of the first). I still find myself mentally struggling with the idea of sharing my partner, emotionally and physically, with someone else (or multiple others). What would you say to someone going through this to try and ‘sell’ them on polyamory?

Maybe this isn't news to anyone on here but I was low key blown away when I learned about this in a developmental psychology class recently. It makes SO MUCH SENSE in a poly context, at least for me. I'm a poly n00b and I though I had my NRE under control and that I was prepared to handle it as to not be a shitty hinge but I kinda failed. As we all know NRE is a helluva drug and I realize that it takes A LOT of practice, self discipline and yeah, you guessed it: mentalization to handle it well.

Another thing that I wasn't really prepared for entering a new dating situation with someone new was how my triggered attachment system would effectively give me tunnel vision and put way to much focus on this new person and act like an grade A asshat to my pre existing partner because that relation was already secure. I though I had my attachment issues under control but O BOY was I wrong, I still very much have them but I might be a liiiiiittle bit less self destructive that I were 10 years ago. On top of this it was a complete new situation to deal with attachment issues in conjunction with already having a romantic partner.

With that said, none of this is an excuse for my poor behavior or decision making and I'm 100% ready for taking accountability and try to do better in the future but it's part of an explanation and it makes so much sense because I do believe I tried to my best abilities to be a good hinge and mentalize with my pre existing partner but I failed royaly because I didn't take control over my high and triggered emotions. Sooo aside from trying to fix this mess and take my head out of my own ass it looks like I really need to work on my self soothing techniques, impulsivity and create a secure attachment within myself (which I already knew but don't know how to achieve!?) so that I can be a better partner and hinge in the future. Thanks for coming to my TED talk!

This is the 2nd time in as many weeks that I’ve gone on a date where we seemed to both connect and want to meetup again, but when I try to communicate after and setup another meetup they just don’t respond to my text. In one date, we even talked about ghosting and how it’s better to just communicate !

In both cases they seemed to want to hookup quickly but I wanted to wait, which they also said was fine. And in both cases they had other partners too, though both mentioned some tensions with other partners.

I’m just annoyed - how do you even filter people when they say one thing and mean something else ?

I’m also so conflicted - should I send a follow up text to make sure they didn’t miss it ?? It’s like what’s the likelihood they didn’t get the text vs ignored me ?

How do you all respond ?

Last year while antique shopping I came across a beautiful golden photo frame with 5 equal sized slots for photos. Having 5 partners, I was really excited and I bought it.

I put off hanging it up because one of my relationships was newer and I was afraid to jinx it. My other relationships were all 5-plus years old. Eventually I did put the photos in and hung it right by the door of my room and I was happy every time I saw my partners' pictures all together in the frame.

Fast forward to this year and I broke up with two of my partners, who I started seeing 8 years ago. It was sort of messy and I can't even be friends with them right now. I didn't exactly see this coming because things with them had been good, although there were problems under the surface. (Don't start as a unicorn 🦄 It will never work out)

And there are two empty spots in the frame now....

Like in the title, if you look at my comment history, I'm a lurker on both subs. I don't understand where the hate in this sub towards the polyfi sub comes from. It's not very inclusive as you would expect this sub to be.

This sub preaches autonomy in the relationships, and that should include people having a closed polycule if that is what they want and agree to. Similarly there are people who rock with polyfi who also choose to open the polycule now and again.

I just don't get the hate towards the polyfi community, it makes no sense at all. It's counterproductive. Y'all are probably gonna ban me from this sub anyways, but before that, please do explain the hate, because it's unwarranted and bigoted, and pushes people away from exploring ENM in general when they come here for support and guidance but get shat on and pushed away.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who has pointed out the flaws and issues that people face, especially in unethical and coersive structures. I came in with assumptions that turned out to be wrong. Everyone here has really changed my perspective on this matter, and I am now more aware of how things can go south or how they can be inherently unbalanced and unethical. Everyone should have the right to pursue their own connections on their own terms without restriction from others, and that right should always be respected.

It's been 4 months since I ended the relationship. The reasons it ended don't matter. It's been a month since I last spoke to him. I stand behind my reasons. Things I needed/wanted he didn't and that's just the way it is. But I still miss him. I miss him when I see a video I think he'd like. I miss him when something good happens and I can't celebrate with him. I miss him when something tough happens and I can't talk it through with him. I miss him when I smell my favorite coffee because coffee dates where our favorite. I miss him Every day I miss him

I have BPD and polyamory usually doesn't seem to fit with it. I was surprised to find that I'm not all that triggered by it. (I definitely was at first but I've adjusted quickly.) Does anyone else have BPD and manage to do polyamory?

I had a moment with my polycule this morning that I kind of just wanted to share with y'all because I don't really have anyone else who'll really get it and I think some people could benefit from seeing what is possible.

So I (38m) live with my wife (36f) and girlfriend (42f). My wife, Aspen, is currently dating and trying to find a meaningful, lasting connection with someone. We've been together for over 6 years, married for 4, and she's expressed to me at times that she's unsure if she'll be able to find someone who's like me. What she means when she says that is that she wants someone who can clearly communicate what they're feeling, who listens, and is attentive. She wants to have the kind of love I share with my gf, Birch, but it has thus far proved elusive. She has a couple guys she's talking to who seem like they have potential, but for the most part her dating experiences have cemented in her mind how special I am and how lucky we are to be together. We had a very intimate night last night, at the end of which we were both basically on cloud nine. We've grown together as a couple so much since transitioning from monogamy and love each other in ways we didn't realize we're possible before now. It's incredible.

This morning I found a letter Birch had written me last night. In it, she expresses how happy she is to be a part of this relationship and how much her life has been transformed by the way that I love her. She lives with chronic illness, which has been cause for others before this to treat her like she's a burden. She compared the way I love her to a greenhouse, because it's not just like the flowers that need sunlight for nourishment, it's an entire home built intentionally to encourage growth and happiness. She is so grateful not just for me, but for her friendship with Aspen, and the life the three of us are building together. I was nearly moved to tears on my way to work this morning thinking about it. Aspen and I are wanting to have a baby, and I can't help but think what a wonderful environment we've created to raise a child in.

I know that ENM/poly is hard. Relationships are hard. I just wanted those of you who are struggling to know that a home overflowing with love is a completely attainable goal. It's worth it. Every fight, every tear, every bout of jealousy. It can pave the way to something beautiful. You got this.

I'm struggling with whether this is mine to deal with totally alone or not.

My anchor partner Frank and I (41M, 39F) have always had set agreed upon things in our relationship, which included a date every second weekend, and daily good morning and good night texts.

Anything else beyond those two things was considered a lucky bonus. He had a free weekend day on our off weekend and wants to spend it together? Bonus. Texts and reels and memes and photos all day and all night long? Bonus.

The thing is, for the two years he only had me and my one other meta Cindy, the "bonuses" I had with him were constant and ongoing and able to be relied upon for more than a year. I saw him every weekend without fail, even though every second weekend was a "bonus". He texted me constantly.

Now he's picked up partner number 3, Petunia, and the "bonuses" are drying up. I'm still receiving the prenegotiated dates and texts but not much else.

Frank is currently my only partner, however for a period of time I had another partner "Lila", and I made sure to keep up with the bonuses with Frank.

To add insult to injury, I feel as though the new relationship is creeping in... He is sending conversations and photos to Petunia during our dates because he wants to share what he's doing with me, with her. He's accidentally send me mid-day texts that are addressed to Petunia.

I'm happy to have Petunia as a meta, I like her on a personal level, but my patience with Frank is wearing down, I'm becoming argumentative and moody.

Is this a "you accept he can only give you what you originally agreed to two years ago and the days of bonus attention are over" scenario?

Hey you all. So we just heard from "ceramic person" about their upcoming overnight debacle, and some of you remembered them. Maybe some of you will remember me too as "non nested list" grrrl. Well, anyways, you had some good and humbling advice then (took it and we managed a revised exhange of needs discussion) so I'm coming back for more hopefully. Maybe I need some cold water in the face lol. I'm really sad tho.

I'm kind of back into questioning if we're a good fit for each other based on some stuff that just passed. I'm not sure how much of this is just my sh*t to manage versus how much is just that we have bad communication (or worse case scenario bad compatability). I (40sf) am in a Vee relationship with my partner (40sm) who is married. We have been together 6 months and talking since almost a year. They've been married 15 years.

We had a bit of a rough start as I was his first more poly-style relationship with this wife cause they practiced DADT and ENM for four years before me. I didn't want that so he shifted his relationship to poly. The chemistry between us is amazing, we love each other deeply we say, and we talk about being together for years.

It's also been a bit of a rough road because I feel still a little hidden which dings my self esteem some. Took a while to get a first date in public, still haven't met any of his friends, he had to ask his band-mate for permission for me to be able to hug or kiss him if I go to a concert cause the guy knows his wife, etc. He also kind of had this weird thing for a while where he wasn't interested in taking texts or calls after 7 pm cause he lives with his wife and kid (and every hour at home he considered family time). All that stuff felt a little weird to me cause I am also a mama and didn't have the same restrictions for him. So slowly over time he has worked on shifting some of these things to help me feel less secondary despite the fact that I will always be secondary in some ways in the same way that he is to my kids. So....

Something really weird happened this week, and I'm just wondering if it's kind of like the death toll (the nail in the coffin...) for us cause it just hurt so bad. He said he was like taking a week vacation alone with his kid to his hometown with his mama. Cool. So normally we text pretty regularly daily. The weekend was great. We have some sweet conversations like normal while we both get on with our days. We share pictures, tell each other how much we miss each other, make a plan to call later in the week, all the normal lovey dovey stuff. Then like Tuesday night, he gets weird. He says he is fighting with his mom. Then Wednesday, he still sends some sweet messages but is distant. Same this morning so I just got a weird vibe. I asked him if he was busy with another poly friend or something. He said "no, but his wife arrived last Tuesday night." So I immediately was totally embarrassed and apologized cause I had no idea she was coming cause he never mentioned it, and he actually seemed to be hiding it a bit. I told him to enjoy the rest of his vacation down there, and we could talk when he is back cause I don't want to bother the wife (as apparently she was bothered another time when we were texting while they were on vacation).

So now I'm just so confused and sad. Why was he not mentioning his wife visiting him on vacation? Was he hiding it? Why does he go hot and cold like that based on when she is around?

I'm not asking for a primary relationship with him cause I do not want that based on my own schedule and kids. I don't want to live with another man until after my kids move out (and that is 12 years down the road). But, at the minimum, I need regularity and stability. I also don't want to be made to feel secondary by the sudden dropping of contact when he is at home or with family (or hiding someone on vacation). I don't do that with him when I am with my kids. Anyways, I guess what I am saying is it feels not good. I am pretty sad. This theme seems to keep coming up where I feel like the "dirty little secret." It just so confusing cause when he is loving, he is so loving. It's just hitting my self confidence at this point. Is this my shit? His shit? Or our shit? Signing off. Confused in France. Mermi in advance.

Am I alone, or do other people out there go through a phase in new polyamorous relationships where they wish it was monogamous?

I've got a nesting partner and a few other partners in my polycule and I keep finding that even though I'm happy with my nesting partner and our life together and the home we've built, AND I enjoy polyamory and don't think I'd ever be happy again being monogamous, I go through this phase where I daydream about being monogamous with my new partner. I've had 3 long to longish term partners aside from my NP, and in every single one I've done the maladaptive daydreaming of leaving my NP and building a life with my new partner.

I think NRE is powerful energy and that this could be monogamous programming making me feel like I need to pursue "typical" relationship milestones like exclusivity, moving in, marriage, etc, to validate the emotional connection I'm feeling as I did with my nesting partner, but am looking for 1) reassurance that I'm not the only one and 2) advice for getting over this.

My spouse and I have been dating a couple (it just amazingly happened organically) and I'm not insane enough to even bring it up with any of them until we've been together several years longer probably, but I feel like I wouldn't mind having a shared household with them in the future. Tell me about your experiences with blending two established households? We are a couple with a kid, they are a couple with a couple of kids, and a live in boyfriend. Like I said, I won't broach the subject any time soon, I just want to hear about others experiences.

Hey all, were new to poly and just wondering what your biggest mistake was when you first started into a poly relationship.

I was talking with a poly friend yesterday and we both agreed that there is no difference or it is very blurry. I'm curious about what does the community think. Thanks!

Hi all, I am looking for an understanding place to air my concerns as most of my friends do not practice open relationships of any style and struggle to understand the situation I am in.

I have always been my own solo person in my dating life, and if asked to give a "label" I would say I am solo-poly relationship anarchy adjacent. I believe every relationship is it's own organic entity and like to allow them to naturally develop and either move forward or back, whether that is open, closed etc as long as it is safe, sane and feels good to both parties.

After a very long (5 year) period of being deliberately single (I dated a bit but nothing serious) I (40) have developed a really unexpected and wonderful connection with a man (50) who practices polyamory and has for the last 6 years or so. He was up front with me immediately about having a long term (5 year) open but not hierarchical relationship with a woman, as well as very casual relationship with another woman who lives out of state who he maybe sees four times a year and has for the last three years.

We have been steadily dating for six months, and in that time I have gotten a much clearer picture of the nature of these relationships.

My partner has expressed to me on more than one occasion that his casual partner is verbally abusive to him and has been on multiple occasions. He has told me this without even consciously recognizing this as abuse, making light of it. But the things we say to others are meaningful, even if we aren't aware of their implications. (Example: she is in town for a couple days staying with him when he has a family obligation. He asks if she would like to come just, and she berates him for asking her and insinuates their relationship isn't "serious" even though he expressed to her he just wanted to not exclude her if she would like to come). There have been many instances of explosive behavior.

He sees this woman maybe several times a year. We have finally gotten to the point where we are moving forward with understanding and navigating what our relationship is, and our needs and wants and capacities. I recently told him in one of these conversations that in no uncertain terms this is abusive behavior. It was like a light went on in his mind, yet he had already made plans to see this woman this weekend.

I am not sure what I am looking for here... I really am beginning to care deeply for this person, and having this woman treat him so poorly because he is so (overly) tolerant and empathetic will be too much for me to handle, and makes me concerned about his other relational choices. There are boundary issues in his other relationship, but it is not emotionally abusive. We are talking soon about these things in greater detail. How would you handle this situation? I don't want to walk away, but my heart could not take my sweet partner allowing himself to be abused. I also cannot stand the idea of him allowing access to his heart and body to someone who treats him poorly. It is a turn off for me. It feels like a dealbreaker if he doesn't stop seeing her. Any help or perspective is so welcomed. Thank you.

I am just looking for a place to share. I (44F) was raised by gay parents so I never had to come out as queer - I just dated whomever. But now I think I'm polyamorous in a monogamous marriage.

Since the dawn of my time I've identified as queer/pansexual. I fell in love with a man and we have been together for 17 years. I have a fairly robust social circle, but I can honestly say I really haven't had any interest in anyone else. A few years ago I came out as panromantic ace and offered my husband the option of opening our relationship (for him), but he declined.

This year I developed a friendship with someone who I now have serious feelings for. I can't say it is the same as a cultivated 17 year relationship, but my heart aches for her. What is wild to me is that I still love my husband very much. I never really understood or believed how someone could love more than one person at this level in a genuine way until it happened to me.

I have been honest with my husband about my feelings for this other person and he has been a good listener; however, he wants to continue our monogamous marriage. I am fortunate that he trusts me and I am able to continue my friendship with this other person; I have not and will not cheat on my husband (even though as an ace all I really want to do is cuddle and hold hands with her and tell her how I feel about her).

Keep in mind that this woman may suspect how I feel but I've never verbalized it and I don't even think she wants a more-than-friends relationship with me anyway; this is more about my discovery/capacity to have serious feelings for more than one person at a time.

On the outside it seems simple that my husband and I are just not right for each other since I am asexual and he is sexual; I am (now) polyamorous and he is not, but I can't bring myself to walk away from our 17 years.

But I am grieving what could have been. I had no idea I was capable of this much feeling and love.

I've been trying to date more lately, mostly women. My partner and I are on the same page, if someone wants to date either of us, we are supportive of each other. But we both like threesomes, so if either of us find a new partner that is up for it, that's the icing on the cake, but never required or implied. I'm not new to dating women. Lately, I've had a hard time forming not only relationships but even friendships with wlw+poly women.. i know it's a small pool of people and that might be why, but I do put myself out there in-person and on dating sites. It doesn't seem to matter if I meet someone in person, through a dating site, or my bf introduces me to them, they tend to act stand-off-ish towards me in private but act super cutesy/flirty if my partner is around. I end up feeling like they are pretending to like me to get closer to my partner, and yes I feel a level of jealous, but it's nothing I can't handle. The issue arrises when I ask one of them out, they say yes, then seem to want nothing to do with me the entire night. My feelings tell me they are only affectionate towards me to appease my partner, and my logical side tells me I'm just being insecure. Tonight I took a girl on a date that my partner had met on a dating site (she is bi and he introduced us and we all hit it off), she wasn't cold towards me but wasn't flirty, which is fine.. we can just be friends, but I do not understand why so many women I meet seem very into me only when my partner is around. Is there something that i can obviously do better? Is this a common struggle? Roast me if you have to but please let me know

So my meta texts me and I find it quite a lot of information shared. I’ve raised something before and it just ended up me looking like the bad guy so I don’t quite know if I am here again or not. For info, me, meta and my partner have had a threesome before.

The thing I’m bothered about is meta text me and asked for a pic of me and the second sex toy I used on my partner a few nights ago. I just found this so much info and I’m guessing she gave him a blow by blow account for him to be requesting something so specific.

I don’t hear such details about their sex life as my partner says she wants to protect me. I have said in the past about being jealous. I also find it their time and it’s personal to them.

Now I feel if I raise it, I will have broken meta’s trust by talking about something in one of our conversations however I’ve never told my partner I’m happy for our sex life to be discussed. I also find it odd to discuss that level.

I haven’t quite figured it out in my head but wondered what others thought?

I recently found out that my ex (who I dated for 3+ years) who I'm supposed to be queerplatonic (I say this because they sometimes behave sexually with me) with is living with their new partner. They had all the chances to be transparent with me. Their mom even asked them if they were moving in with their partner when I was l hanging out with their family (in February/March), and my ex dodged the question. I had previously asked why we couldn't live together or why I couldn't sleep over because we used to live together (I even lived with their family previously).

My ex continually tells me that they want to get married and have kids with me, but I feel like they are just saying empty words. I feel like everything they say is performative. I have made it clear to them repeatedly that I am monogamous and that I can't date or be romantically involved with someone who is dating someone else. They didn't seem to respect that at all. They would try to sleep over at least once a week, but a lot of the time they were consistently talking to or messaging their partner. I find it so irritating when people do not know how to set some pretty obvious boundaries.

I asked them if their partner was going to be in their life forever, which they said yes to. I find it ridiculous how they continually withheld the truth from me and just expect me to be okay with this new person in their life as if things could be ok between us.

Whenever I bring up that I might date someone else, they are hypocritical and say that they don't want me to date someone else because it might change the dynamic in our relationship. How does it make sense that they can be happy and dating someone else while I'm tied to someone who doesn't even want to date me seriously.

I told them how I felt over text and it just really seemed like they were weaponizing therapy speak saying how I don't even want to talk to them about it in person. Does their side of the story really matter when they have been so dishonest and selfish?

Hello all,

Please be gentle with me in the comments, I really am in a vulnerable position right now. Bit of backstory, I have borderline personality disorder due to various trauma, also had a pretty couple rough years lately with a lot of heartache and deception. I was monogamous but unhappy and always struggling to remain faithful, discovered ENM and decided to try it. I thought polyamory was out of the question for me due to my attachment issues, but I met a wonderful person who made me want to give it a go. He's solo poly but has a partner who is his best friend of 15 years and romantic partner of 3 years. I've been struggling a lot, with a lot of ups and downs, and I'm struggling once more these days. He is amazing and honestly there is no logical reason for me feeling insecure, as he's given me no reason to feel like I'm secondary or anything like that. But lately i've been finding myself wanting/needing more commitment "proofs" on his part except moving in/marriage is not an option (and truthfully I wouldn't really want that either way). Can any of you suggest some forms of gestures of commitments that might help me navigate this, help him reassure me and me feel less insecure ? I'm also in therapy and on meds, obviously, for my insecurity and attachment issues and various mental health stuff. I'm just looking for some simple ideas to implement to help us.

This time last year i was in a my first polyamorous relationship. I was dating the husband. Lets call him Fire. The wife, she can be called Gem had a bf that was a mutual friend of her and Fire. The plan was for all of us to hang out and get to know more about each other, but that never happened. Gem started to get very jealous of me. Me and Fire were very sexual as that is just how we are together. No matter how long it has been since we have seen each other the spark is never lost when we come back together. To give a little perspective this had been the 3rd time me and Fire dated in our lives. The first time we dated he was 15 and I was 16. The second time was in 2013 then this past year. Each time it was just not right for one or the other.

Anyway Gem and Fire were hardly having sex so when me and Fire saw each other it was intense. We fell so in love all over again, it felt amazing to be with him, He made me feel seen and heard like i have never experienced with anyone else. After about 2 months Fire moved some of his thinsg to my place for when he was staying over. he was very good at splitting his time between me and Gem. Fire told me that Gem heard him say "I Love You' to me over the phone and was pissed.

They have known each other for almost as long as me and him have known each other. They had been together 9 years and married 7. They had a business together that failed. After that Gem decided she didnt want to do anything anymore. She didnt want to go out, work, socialize nothing. She would complain that she was bored all the time and how she had a hard day even though she didnt go out. It sounds like she had depression but she refused to get help. Then one day at a friends house she said that she wanted to try being poly. This was news to Fire as she had shown no interest in it before.

She ended up dating a mutual friend rather fast. Although she said to Fire she wasn't sexual she was very sexual with her bf. Even so much as calling him Daddy and telling her friends that she started callign him daddy with in the first two weeks of dating. Gem told fire that even though she had a bf that she didnt want him to get a Gf. But he did of course and that was me. Skip forward and now we are in Feburary of 2024 Fire got to the point where he asked Gem for a legal seperation then they got divorced on my birthday in June.

Me and Fire dated from Sept 5,2023 until June 30th 2024. Its like as soon as he got divorced he regretted it. Him and Gem started hanging out again. I barely saw him this summer. We are talking again but he is now living back with Gem and hating his life. I havent seen him so depressed and anxious in his whole life. She is back to denying him anything sexual as she is still telling him "its not his thing". She knows me and him are talking and told him she would prefer us not talk but he told her that he still wants to keep me in his life. We hung out a few weeks ago but were sexual. I think he is scared Gem will find out. He is living there he says because he has no where else to go. He put himself back in to the toxic situation it took him almost a year to get out of. I think that he is hoping to work things out with Gem but why? He even told me a few weeks ago before they officialy started dating again that they just arent a good match. That he really does love me but needs stability right now. I am the unknown she is the chaotic familiar that reminds him of his childhood.

I dont know what to do. He wants me in his life and I want him in mine. But do i give up hope of us ever being back together because he wont let go of Gem or do i stay his friend an maybe in the future things may work out

Please leave kind and thoughtful responses

Let me start off by saying that I am biased. I don't believe that true relationship anarchy is possible. I think that all relationships have differences that create levels of hierarchy innately. We can call it whatever we want: Love, importance, support, closeness, depth, fun, whatever. There will always be differences in our relationships, regardless of whether we're conscious of it or taking steps to address it. For me, simply acknowledging the differences in our relationships is enough. Ex: "X and I are closer emotionally, but Y is someone I feel like I can trust when I'm in trouble." These are hierarchies. This may or may not influence how you spend your time or distribute resources, but acknowledging it seems to be important to me.

The reason why I mention this is because I have been with two people, within the last year, who claim to be relationship anarchists. They claim to not want to have a primary partner. They claimed to be okay with the idea of any relationship growing as big or bigger than the relationship we had. They claimed that they could not compare relationships in their life or say that any one relationship was more important than another.

But, when it came down to it, our relationships had all of the hallmarks of a primary partnership (ignoring certain parts of the relationship escalator). These included sending good night and good morning texts. Talking every day, multiple times a day via text or on the phone. Meeting friends, loved ones, and co-workers. Being prioritized in terms of how much time we spend together. Being privy to emotional information that most people wouldn't be told, and hearing about past traumas that only a select few people are made aware of. Barrier free sex. And, being told about other partners and dates or hookups. The only things missing were the acknowledgement of how much weight our relationships had in their lives, the label of primary partner (descriptive or otherwise), and emotional support when I had trouble feeling secure in these relationships.

Let me just reinforce that these things were not only naturally arrived upon over the course of the relationship, I was explicitly asked for nearly all of these things, including that I be made aware of the fact that my partners were seeing other people, who they were with, and what they got up to. If I am not a primary to someone, why should I provide you with everything a primary does for you without the label and associated security, and without help when I feel fearful about the loss of our partnership?

For me, this is so much responsibility and emotional labor to expect someone to fulfill. It shows them that they are unique, important, and valuable. But, without acknowledging that they are, and without acknowledging the things they do for their partner(s), I feel like those things are simply taken for granted.

I will say that my sample size is low, and I am absolutely taking this opportunity to dunk on two of my exes (who I genuinely want to be happy and fulfilled in their lives), I find that RA can very easily be used as a tool for people to avoid the responsibilities of partnership (especially when it comes to supporting your partner when they have difficult emotions in regards to the relationship). In both relationships I was dismissed and shut down when I asked for reassurances. Fortunately the second time around I recognized that my needs weren't being met in half the time it took in my previous relationship.

I love the idea of relationship anarchy as a tool to dismantle the relationship escalator, and to create relationships that are exactly what you need or want without the imposition of societal norms or expectations that you don't even want. I'm solo-poly and most of the items on the relationship escalator are off the table for me right now. I still want to have relationships where I feel safe, heard, and supported. Why do people feel the need to spend so much energy, and do so many mental gymnastics proving that they are relationship anarchists when they're obviously not?

Edit: Someone mentioned that a more accurate term for a non-hierarchical partner with a lot of importance is "anchor-partner." I still think this is hierarchy though.

So, I knew I was polyamorous when I was about 15, and I started to question whether it was right to criticise those who could love more than one person. I was very bubbly and full of love and hope back then. I got into a series of monogamous relationships, imagining that the boundaries of modern relationships considered it as cheating.

Fast forward to when I was around 22 and I just came out of a relationship where we were experimenting opening and closing it constantly, after my expressing that the constraints of relationship felt suffocating. This relationship eventually ended in disaster because I knew nothing about ethical non-monogamy. After this, I learnt about polyamory and I realised there are so many others out there who feel the same way. I read some books, watched some polyamory influencers etc.

In my next relationship, I went into it with the notion that I am polyamorous from the get go. He was open to trying out the format and had two secondary partners who he saw occasionally and I had a girlfriend who I also saw occasionally. I recall being jealous, insecure and uncomfortable back then although I also wanted badly to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be open to it all. I only used to feel comforted in the moments where he would be near me and able to soothe my worries.

Fast forward to today and I am in a 2 year relationship with the person I love the most and possibly want to spend the rest of my life with. However, although I prefaced our meeting with saying I am polyamorous, I never had any interest in exploring with anyone else after I met him. I had told him all about polyamory and introduced him to the concept. He asked if we should try putting it in action, and learning along the way. It's been 2 years and we hadn't explored with anyone else so far.

We are both artists and travel a lot and tend to meet people. I still feel I have no interest in exploring beyond my primary partnership but I have no idea when that might change for me. (part of the mindset of polyamory is to let the relationships develop naturally) He is in another town right now and met someone who he is becoming friendly with. I realise I am no longer jealous of 'her' perse, but I also sit for hours overthinking and imagining them together, and feel really lonely without him. Sometimes I am rational about it, and sometimes I tear my mind to pieces in agony about it. Feeling like she gets to fulfill his need for love and intimacy. He is very kind and understanding to me and has repeatedly assured me that he doesn't want to go any further with her unless he knows I am secure and confident about this. I so badly want to be strong for him to be able to have those experiences but I am not sure it's healthy to look at it that way. He asked me to reconsider if we should be polyamorous, after seeing the mental turmoil I was facing.

I feel guilty because I know I fully subscribe to the theory, but, I don't know if I am emotionally mature enough to handle the pain that comes with it all. He told me he is ready to leave everything in an instant to make sure I feel okay, before things get any more serious with her or anyone else. After reflecting on my own emotions, I feel like my interests definitely have changed and I am looking to just build with that primary partner.

However, I am in a battle in my mind because I don't want to limit his experiences or those of my future self. I feel guilty because I wonder if I say I am not ready to be open at the moment, and maybe later on if we reconsider and open up the relationship, that it would be selfish of me. I would love your guys thoughts and advice please!

Is it weird to be polyamorous but change the terms of the relationship as you go? How do you assess what the right thing to do is? Is it better to just stay monogamous if you have a hard time mentally, or is this just the first time and maybe I will become stronger with every situation? CONFUSED!