Welcome to /r/Polyamory!

TL;DR: my partner is in the long process of disentangling from a former LTR who is also a former friend of mine. It's going well but is emotionally a lot; tell me stories about your meta-breakup experiences to keep me company?

Longer version: My partner "Ace" is going through the long process of disentangling from former nested long-term partner "Bea". The two of them have stayed in contact so far, but Ace is starting to seriously consider going no contact with Bea for at least a while, which may involve giving up a pet the two of them have so far been sharing custody of.

That's obviously not an easy decision and in a lot of ways feels like an entire additional breakup on top of the first one. I also have plenty of my own feelings about it because Bea is a former close friend of mine, whose behavior towards Ace leading up to and continuing after this breakup has felt pretty ugly to me at times.

TBH I feel like Ace is handling things beautifully, and I feel well-supported as well. But boy, is it a lot of intense feelings over here! I could use some company— I'd love to hear about other folks' meta-breakup experiences, especially with supporting a partner through the end of a long-term and/or nested partnership, making the difficult choices that seem to be inherent to that kind of breakup, holding your own complex feelings while also supporting your partner, etc.

Thanks in advance! It just sounds nice to hear from others while I continue on this adventure.

Happy mother's day to all of you poly moms out there.

We had a pre-mothers day dinner with my partner, meta, and my/their kids. My kiddo adores my meta and told me they want to be like her, because she's smart and funny.

One of my partner/meta's kids told me they are really happy when I am around. Their other kiddo was super excited when we showed up, and all three kids enjoy one another.

Having this growing family has been a very unexpected treat. I hope if you're a family-inclined person you find your polycule children delightful, and it makes your mother's day celebration as special as mine has been.

My wife, 28 and I, 34 are in a poly/mono dynamic. We were both poly for 4 years, but over the last year, I've been mono. Mental health wise it's the best option for me.

In a few weeks, our living situation changes and we have a spare room. Our children want to share a room, there would be the parents room, then the office/playroom/ guest room.

Recently, the discussion of that other room being "my room" came up and it kind of threw me. It makes sense in away for when her partners spend the night,or if I just needed me time. I haven't had my own space in over a decade. Like a man cave!

Part of me only sees negatives (which are all jealousy based): this will make us spend less time with eachother, the feeling if being married kinda fades away. I feel banished.

Besides the above positives there's more too; I can learn some independence, I can date my wife again besides always being her shadow, allows us both personal space.

For some reason I automatically feel like I'm getting kicked out but honestly, we will still sleep together most nights, we will both be more comfortable when her partners sleep over, and it makes sense.

Also, she can finally sneak into my room

This post is random and just a conversation with myself. I was gonna delete it but it helped me with my issue. Any advice is good advice.

Hey everyone. Long time lurker, first time posting. I (30f) have been poly for the past 2 years and have been settling in nicely into the poly lifestyle with my wonderful partners. About a year ago, I was dating a married couple and things were going well. Wife was no longer interested in seeming others outside of her marriage so husband reached out to pursue a solo connection with me. Wife was totally fine with it.

Husband was adamant about setting realistic expectations. We decided to make this connection more about sexual exploration. Things were going well and we set our first date. The sex was incredible for me and he expressed having a great time too. We both were pleased with our communication that created a safe environment for us to be vulnerable with each other.

Now here is where I may fucked up. On our first solo date, I asked him why he was interested in me. He said he appreciated me being respectful of his marriage, but wanted to see me take up more space. After we had sex, I allowed myself to gush to him about how much I loved it. He did a good job of matching my energy, but he sounded surprised about my enthusiasm because didn’t feel like he did anything spectacular. The next day he went on a date with a new person and pretty soon after I didn’t hear from him. I called him out on it and he apologized, but also asked to put our sexy dates on pause because he can’t balance 2 connections outside his primary.

I guess im just bummed I found a guy who I connect with sexually and isn’t using me for emotional labor, but is now prioritizing someone else after just one fuck. Can’t help but feel like I took up too much space and was overwhelming which is an insecurity of mine and I guess I feel a little used. I would have preferred this had been a one night stand instead of setting up the expectation for an ongoing connection.

Would love some feedback on the situation because I’m tired of going through the same thought loops in my head.

My partner and I have an understanding that as long as things are discussed beforehand, or in the event someone 'slips up', soon after, anything happens with someone else. I really am not jealous at all or upset by my partner having interest in someone or hooking up with them or wanting to date them. I've always been this way, always will be. My partner was introduced to the idea of polyamory by me and so far the only issues we've had have been from him not telling me how he feels about something and me not knowing. Typically we have no issues. We live together and take care of each other, maybe things are a bit boring lately and stressful money wise, but I dont understand something he did recently... He told me he was going out to see a friend he hasn't seen in years, and then later in the night went to see his ex gf, who during their hanging out had a medical emergency, and apparently turned into a stressful night/day. I had been at home wondering why he wasn't home yet late in the evening the next day. Phone was dead, no answer when it was. I messaged the friend he was with asking if he was still there and he didn't reply. Later that day he finally came home and told me he went to the girl's house and told me what happened with her having to go to the hospital. He said he had to get home on the bus. Fast forward to today where I have completely put it out of my mind and I get a message from his friend saying that he was never there in the first place. There have been a few things that he said and done that didn't really match up but I didn't think much of it, but now I'm sure he has completely lied to me and went to her house in the first place and didn't even see his old friend at all. I don't understand why he would do this when I'm so open and I wouldn't care. He knows that I only care if he lies. There have been a few things like this, but never exactly as in your face as this, and I'm not sure how to go about it. Whenever I confront him about lying he blows up and it's a big fight even though I just want to discuss it and I just want to understand why he doesn't feel comfortable telling me the truth. I need advice on how to go about this I'm not really sure what to do.

So until this weekend my wife (32 F) and I (35 M) were living in seperate countries. We were both working overseas and I moved back home 6 months before her as my contract and visa expired.

About 3 months ago she raised over a call she wanted to try an open relationship / ENM. I was pretty hesitant as I didn’t know anything about this kind of relationship and felt uncomfortable exploring while we were separated and unable to support each other.

Over a few conversations she was quite insistent and I agreed. I was openly apprehensive and anxious about it all but she really wanted it. The only rule we established was we would talk about anything that happened.

Over the last couple of months I had some fun flirting with people I’d meet socially and getting close to connecting but wasn’t really comfortable with it. I was struggling to even raise “hey I’m poly and married by the way” in conversation so I didn’t want it to go further without being transparent.

I told my wife anything that happened on a call or via text, whenever I asked if anything happened for her she said no…

Now this weekend I pick her up from the airport and she asks me “how’s dating going, seeing anyone” I say “nothing new since we last talked” and that’s when she tells me she’s been hooking up with randoms from the apps and was even seeing a guy regularly - a guy who she worked with and was part of our friend group…

She said she didn’t tell me sooner because she knew I was anxious about being open and “wouldn’t handle it”.

Feeling honestly shattered and so betrayed at the moment.

I don’t know this doesn’t line up with anything I’ve read or listened to about poly or enm.

Don’t know how to begin to repair things. It’s cooked that she hid everything after initiating the change and I’m really stuck on the fact that she was dating someone I know.

i’m not sure where else to vent about this. I (18NB) and my girlfriend (20MTF) love each other SO much and we are both each other’s primary partner. this is both our first time being in a relationship where both parties can see other people. i fully understand that it’s possible to love people in multiple ways and have a unique relationship. i just feel very uneasy when my girlfriend mentions having sex with other people. she likes when i talk to her about my other partners but i get uncomfortable when she talks about her’s. i feel like such a hypocrite. i love and support her so much and i’m glad that she has others that can also see how wonderful she is. i’m just having a difficult time navigating my insecurities. are there any helpful communication strategies that can help me be more comfortable and open?

I'm not poly and im very green at this. I'm starting to understand it more now that I'm a realized empath. However, I scarcely read that monopoly is one of the most difficult relationships to maintain. Can someone explain why and give examples of how one can be maintain?

Get ready, this is a long one.

I've been trying not to ask this on here for weeks but I just need some advice and some understanding people (or some tough love if some of you think I'm completely in the wrong).

Claire and Raphael met in high school and dated for six years, until she left him for a girl. She was in the process of breaking up with said girl when she met me, and we developed feelings for one another, but at some point she was going to give it a shot with the girl and said she could only be friends with me.

At that point in time, she offered to set me up with Raphael, who she was now best friends with, since they were so similar—if I loved her, I would love him. Things didn't turn out this way, however, since she ended up ending things with the other girl and giving our story a chance.

Our relationship was a total secret at first, even (maybe especially) to Raphael, because Claire was afraid of what outside perception can do to a relationship. She also didn't want to commit right after breaking up with her last partner. I met him, loved him right away, as we knew I would. We became the best of friends, the best trio. We went on a lot of trips together. For a year, Raphael didn't know Claire and I were together. During that year, we did such things as sleeping all three of us in the same bed, cuddling, having domestic-type weekends together, etc. Things best friends do.

After a year, Claire felt ready to tell him, but was scared of actually telling him, so I set up to spend a movie night just me and him, and eventually told him the truth. In retrospect, I wonder if he thought I was going to confess feelings for him. I also wonder if he was hoping for it, or at least what he would have said. Anyway, now he knows, he was upset about the year-long secrecy but got over it pretty easily and we all went back to the same three-way closeness and bond we had. Still go on trips, etc.

Now here's the thing. For a while, especially in the secrecy year but even afterwards, I was very jealous of Raphael. I found that he could make Claire laugh in a way I never seemed to be able to, and she relaxed when he was around. But as I grew more secure in our relationship, that jealousy faded, and turned into something else, something I'd never felt before. Watching them interact, being happy together, all that, made me feel in love. And not just with Claire, with their interaction, with their relationship. That was many months ago.

Over the course of these months, I realized I was falling for Raphael, and falling hard, while at the same time feeling madly in love with Claire still. And at the same time, feeling that loving dopey feeling when they're together and I'm just watching them. Feeling myself fall for him, I've been seeking time with him a lot more, we've gone on hikes together a lot, and he's over at our place a lot. But he's not really the kind of guy to talk about his feelings, or himself, at all. We don't know much about his love life because he's so private. Potentially because of his undealt-with feelings for Claire? or me? or both?

We spend a lot of time with the three of us together and it always goes so well. Claire and I talk about him all the time "he looked so handsome today", "he looked sad/happy", "do you think he could come with us on [trip]?", "we haven't seen him in a while, I miss him".

I don't know what to think or feel, I'm second-guessing every single interaction, every mention of him, every hug, every look... I'm driving myself crazy, and driving myself away from Claire because of it, which is really which I want to get to the bottom of this.

I hit peak confusion on our last trip. We have an agreement that if the third bed is a bunk bed, Raphael gets to sleep in the king-size with one of us, and that's what happened. The one of us was me. The way we hugged every morning and every night was... just not what friends do. As soon as we hit the bed, we were in each other's arms, holding tight, his face smushed against my chest, our legs entwined. Every morning when we woke up, same thing. For probably thirty minutes at some point—probably the best/worst one, in that he had his hand on my back under my shirt, stroking my skin, and it led to a lot of arousal on my part, my shorts were soaked afterwards (on another occasion, he got an erection while giving me a massage). I'm not thrilled about that, however good it felt in the moment, because somehow my thoughts are starting to cross over to the physical realm. That being said, Claire saw all the hugging and seemed to think it was adorable we wanted to hug so much, when she wasn't joining us.

I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on my girlfriend for having these thoughts about someone else, even if my fantasies include her, and I also don't feel great about having romantic and sexual thoughts about Raphael who, for all I know, is clueless and doesn't feel the same.

It's just hard because they're both pretty traditional people so I don't think they would consider being in a triad (is that the term?) even though when we're all together it already feels pretty damn close (emotionally speaking, as well as cuddlingly speaking. Like, we hug all the time, we massage each other, etc.). But if the norm was polyamory we would all be together already.

People always say there's a duo in every trio but honestly all three of our duos are special. Mine and Claire's relationship is really good, however this story ends I know that she and I will be together. Claire and Raphael are absolute best friends, they really are their true selves when around each other, and they have a twelve-year long history. And me and Raphael have grown really close in the past few years, as I've explained.

Claire has stated that she would probably get back together with him if she and I were to break up, and she's also said that if she died, she thought me and him would get together. We've also also stated that we would love for him to be the donor for our children but felt it was complicated to be such close friends with a donor.

We've all expressed wishes, when on trips all three of us, that it could "always be like this", and we regularly tell each other how much we love each other.

There's so much evidence that points toward this thing not being in my head, but I also don't think they'd be willing to go that far outside the norm.

So, what do I do? Do I confess? Do I wait for it to pass (just in case ten months isn't enough, right?)? Do I try to make it happen organically?

At this point I just want to not have this huge secret that I can only talk about with ChatGPT in instantly-deleted conversations.

I'm looking for any type of response, from advice to your opinions on the situation, anything. Feel free to ask for more details, I will only provide what I'm confortable with though.

Bonus content: this slam poetry I wrote in French:

Mon esprit est un disque rayé

Il me repasse l'image de

Toi et lui et moi

Dans les bras les uns des autres

Sur notre canapé

Il a la main sur ta taille

Moi j'ai la main dans ses cheveux

Me dis pas que c'est pas ça qu'on fait

Quand on est amoureux

Des baisers sur des fronts

Des baisers sur des joues

On se murmure des je t'aime

Pas des je t'aime comme ça

Mais des je t'aime quand même

Qu'est-ce que tu m'avais dit ?

"Si je meurs,

Vous finirez ensemble"

Et je sais que si moi je pars

Vous finirez ensemble

Vous êtes ma chaise à trois pieds

Sur un sol défoncé

How could I possibly be enough if she wants something more ???

Hello, I am in a MMF poly relationship for about a year now and I am feeling anxious and depressed wondering if this dynamic is actually possible to sustain. I know all relationships are different of course but knowing if long-term is even possible would really help my confidence about our relationship. If you could describe how your relationship works that would be so helpful. For mine so far we are all exclusive to each other with the possibility of the men having other partners. We are not bi nor do we do threesomes. I live with my husband and my parents and visit my bf but we have plans to all move in together.

*EDIT: sorry I'm new to this so idk MMF OR MFM..etc, all I know is I am in a relationship with two men

I started exploring ENM/polyamory about six months ago. The first man I dated and I fell into a really quick and intimate connection and spent a lot of time together through December and January. I really felt my world open up. We bopped all over town and got into all kinds of fun things. Had game nights, dates, dress up dates. Shared music, articles. We met some of each other’s families and friends.

Our dynamic shifted in February when he met someone new. I worked so hard to manage my jealousy, maintain our relationship despite less time and continued seeking new connections myself.

But he was very clearly more interested in his new person than me. And it was so fucking hard to live that. Literally everything shifted. I advocated for myself on a couple of different occasions, even tho our communication had shifted. Our time together was still good tho much less, but the in-between left me anxious as hell because I couldn’t tell where I stood with him any more.

This week I asked to talk with him and laid out how I was feeling so disconnected and needed to get clarity from him about whether or not I still mattered to him.

He owned that he was still experiencing NRE with his new person, in addition to a lot of other life/work/family things. (All of which I know to be true and understand/support.) He said that he hadn’t done a good job of managing the addition of someone new. (Also true.)

He said that didn’t want to lose our connection, that he liked our relationship. But I had to honestly say that I don’t feel like we have much of a relationship right now. We sort of left it as… we’ll be friends and see what happens otherwise. Sigh.

One of the things about polyamory that drew me in was the fact that people can grow and change, but relationships can also grow/change. That new connections can be made without diminishing existing ones.

But fuck, in this instance, it’s like I was watching myself be replaced from the front row.

I know that he doesn’t have the capacity to be there for me right now. The hardest part is missing my friend. Because in addition to intimacy, we had so much fun together and were there for each other in a vulnerable way that I didn’t know I needed. 💔

This is a different kind of hurt. How do people cope? (Other than therapy, which I’m in. Self-worth and all that.) Have you experienced something similar and found a way to come back together?

I will have to say this forum is really starting to go down hill. There are so many negative responses, responses where it’s evident that people haven’t read the posters post, quick to project, quick to hate on the OP, the solution isn’t always it’s because you’re “mono” or its hinges fault.

Please people let’s stop being so hateful and bashful. Peoples situations are different and unique. Poly looks different for different type of people. If you just want to bash someone then why do it here? It’s becoming increasingly stressful to visit this page and look at responses and see so much of the same hate.

How does one get over jealousy with sex in a polyamorous relationship. I’m in a fairly new gay poly relationship. Recently I found myself getting really extremely jealous over my partners having sex. I had just came home from a busy day and I heard them and I’m pretty sure they knew I was home to. I know at times they’re will come some days where sex is wanted more from one person. Anyways how do I feel more at ease and not try to interrupt them. I know that we all have time with each other to have sex, but when the other is having sex with him I get soo lonely, hurt, mad and turned on at the same time. We do have sex with each other all three but I feel left out when they know Im there and they have sex.

I am in a polyamorous relationship and my female partner is married to my male partner. My male partner is the step parent to the child I am about to talk about.

Female partner has a 16yr old daughter from her first marriage and her daughter has brought it up that she would love for me to adopt her. I am more of a parent to her than my male partner/step dad.

So my question is would I be allowed legally to adopt her or is while her mom is married that I couldn’t do that? Are there options?

Yesterday, I (31F) met my gf’s (32F) bf (31M).

Context: They’ve been together for about a year, and we’ve been together for 3 months. I have always wanted to meet someone who shared my ethics about polyamory and yay here she is <3 We have a wonderful relationship, we understand each other deeply, everything is very smooth and we’re in love with each other. I have always been supportive about her other relationship and sometimes I’ve even been daydreaming about it, imagining her being happy with him when I’m not here. Some other times I was feeling a bit jealous but it wasn’t a big deal. Problems coming with a polyamourous relationship are problems I prefer compares to monogamy-related problems.

Yesterday there was a party at her place and we were both here. I told my gf that I would only be friendly with her on this occasion, to respect her bf’s feelings. I expected the around way round. The whole night, they didn’t kiss in front of other people, but they were physically close and it was obvious that they were together. And me… apart :( It hurt. Nothing wrong about what happened, and we talked about it with my gf and she’s been very supportive and apologized many times. I’m just disappointed with myself I guess. I would like to be happy with her every time I see her smile.

Me and my girlfriend have been having relationship issues lately but when we started to resolve them she said she wanted to try poly I said no I’m not comfortable with that and she seems really upset so I said maybe but I can’t get rid of the feeling that I’m not enough for her

I have a what ive always considered a great partnership with my spouse, we have our issues and and had some hard times but overall we are a good team.

Approx 5 years ago we went poly and intially I was the only one dating because they pretty much didnt want to.

I dated approx 3 people yo vsrying degrees leading to my current partner who my spouse ended up meeting, spending time with in social event and even working with.

We had a few difficult parches learning to manage jealously etc with my dating but managed to solve the problems. I experianced NRE but I mostly kept it to myself until it 'balanced' out.

My spouse finally started dating last year. It eas a big deal as lot of people thought they were only being poly for me but between us I know they were just working up to it and they truly felt poly as I did.

The first person that dated last year they first invited into a party we were running without telling me and made out with them secretly in the toilets then later told me afterwards. I didn't even know this person was there until afterI was devastated because it felt like they lied, withheld truth about it. It was very hard after that to fully trust they would keep me informe about things and I became a little controlling about 'how' thet dated so i could try and feel secure...which in turn created alot of issues.

We worked through them, went to therpy etc That relationship fizzled out and they never actually go to a sexual relationship.

The second person they dated the met 3 months ago while I was also away for three months. This person was also poly and has a boyfriend. Whilst I was gone thet had sex with the person for the first time and also for the first time with anyone other than me for 8 years. Big deal! They spent alot of time together while I was away and have been speaking almost everyday. On my birthday however instead of calling me the sent a message saying they would be going on a date which caused another argument because i felt a little hurt. We usually agreed to check in on the relationship but the last 2 months we decided not to talk about it and check in after I got back so that we wouldn't argue about it over the phone.

I've come back and they seemed happy and excited to see me. However we had a lil argument about food and they snapped it turned into something serious and they unloaded some heavy stuff like how I make them feel 'small and insignificant' this came out of no where ...the next day we tired to talk about it and we ended up going around i circules, they then updated me that the person is now their 'girlfriend' to which I was shocked because 3 months for them is extremely fast. They don't make friends quicker than a year. We would laugh at other peolle rushing into relationships so quickly. They said, they have changed and so what and rather than acknowlgde that it's a little out of character they doubled down and became defensive.

I asked why in the last month I was away they had been so distant and they revealed that it was my negative energy bringing them down and they had to protect themselves from me -rather than the intial reason they had said which was they were busy with work. After not resolving the argument they went to a friends house and stayed the night. The next day we decide to have space and the next day they had a date booked in with their girlfriend. They never told me if it was over night or anything but they never came back thar night. The next day they didn't message me until 5pm...I was in pieces honestly. We had essentially spent not quality time since I got back before the went on an overnight with there girlfriend só I was hurt and something felt really wrong.

The final kicker was Friday. It was their birthday party. We were still arguing more and booked in therpy but in the meanwhile we agreed to not talk about the issues, wait out for therpy to try an enjoy their birthday especially as they would be away for work the next week. On the actual day, wednesday we spent together went to their fav resturant. Whilst in the resturant they went out 'to the shop' for a while, which I now suspected was them to the phone to thier girlfriend. It hurt a little but I also understand wanting a phone call with someone (see above lol).

On thier birthday a friend host and it's all our mutal friends attrending. Ideally I didn't want the girlfriend to come as meeting her for the first time under those circumstance felt intense and given current crisis of the marriage. However I ask my spouse if that's what they wanted and they really really did. I agreed because I geuniely fundamentally want them to have this and thet seem to think all my issue with them dating has been about my jealously and things not being equal. This was my chance to prove them it wasn't the case.

I suggest I message the girlfriend first so at least theres an 1st introduction which goes fine. We decide to make a few boundires só the night goes smoothly. Let me know when she's arriving so I can mentally prepare and introduce us first without all the choas of friends watching etc etc. No overt PDAs making out sessions apart when she's leaving /arriving kind of thing.

50/50 time spent between us during the night.

And ideally have her come with a friend of she can so theres less pressure for you to spend all ur time with her.

That was it .....and similar to how things have gone when I have a date around in mutal settings (someone ive been dating for a year that they are now friends with)

None of the rules are followed from the start. My spouse arrived after, very drunk - they had been drinking whilst at home and hadnt eaten. Knowing they won't make the night I give them some water. No ones arrived to the party just just the host etc. The next person to arivve is their girlfriend. Of course im a bit shocked because they were supposed to give me a headup. But anyway im friendly I introduce myself etc. We make a little small talk then my spouse comes and belligerently sits inbetwen us pushing the space, smiling saying 'im so happy' . It's a lil awk but I understand they are drunk and nervous too.

I leave the room so they can have a moment then go to return to get a glass and they are making out heavily on the sofa with the door wide open. I'm hurt two boundres broken and its not even been an hour.

I then leave to go to the shop and spouse belligerently says their coming too but im upset and need the moment. I express that they need to sober up asap and im upset about the boundry breaks but they just roll thier eyes get annoyed and go back into the house.

People start arriving so can be distracted. I go in the room a few times make some conversation with the girlfriend and hang out to make an effort and also try to not say there all the time. In anycase im cooking food for the party - including fried chicken because that's what spouse requested.

In the meanwhile while my spouse is pretty much sitting with the girlfriend the whole time cuddled on the sofa and basically smitten, barely interacting with their own friends. They later told me in thier drunkeness they even forgot I was there. All of our friends can see what's happening and its being talked about in the other room I try to ignore it but with it becoming live gossip I end up noticing and feeling more and more hurt. I manage to hold it together make the chicken talk to friends and distract myself. The girlfriend is leaving (earlish) so I say goodbye and my spouse leaves with them to let them out.

Spouse is gone for almost 45 minutes. I didn't know that was happening but I could understand but still hurt after all the time thet already spent. I later was told that during that walk the girlfriend said they loved them and they said it back.

Spouse finally comes back and is giddy... they finally remember I exist and give me a kiss etc. I just act normal because its their birthday and I don't want the drama. They then K.O on the sofa - before some of the later guest have even arrived, before they have even eaten the friend chicken and food. I try and wake them up and after and hour they finally revive - I give them food and water and they seen some of their old friends I secretly invited and they are happy. Now they are awake I quickly light caddles on a little cake só we can do happy birthday before they end up asleep again. Everyone knows whats been going on but they all help to gather the crowd turn of the lights but all of a sudden my spouse can't be found.

Turns out thet have gone for a 'walk' and the come back another half hour later. I suspected they were having a phone call with girlfriend as this random walk was out of character but at this point does it even matter.

Meanwhile the candles Melt down and the cake is a beautiful representation of the night. Everyone looks at me with pitying eyes. I feel ashamed.

On the ride home they mention that they don't like my negative energy, that im always negative and they don't want to be in a relationship thar bring them down, im their wife but I need to work on myself.... ironic given the night we just had I hold back tears and calmly say I dont think I'm that negative I have friends and family who enjoy my energy. And they say no actually all our friends whilst loving me also thing I'm negative too. They just seem stuck on bringing me down after running thier own birthday.

How can I resolve this?? I can't believe the level of disrespect im enduring from a partner I would never expect it from. Everyone is surprised and shocked at it not just me. I know NRE can be intense and I can understand and manage my own jealously. I want them to be poly but they insist I can handle it, im jealous, I always find something wrong, our poly life is unbalanced etc.

We have therpy booked in but im struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel whilst i recognise alot of the behaviour is their first time dealing with NRE they me and ihr 8 year Marriage is being disregarding is so devastiving. Feels like they are willing to destroy everything over someone they met three months ago. Someone I encouraged and was excited for them to do.

Do I wait out the NRE or have they shown me this is the true level of respect they have for me now. Maybe its really now they feel.

TLDR: Spouse is ruining relationship after experiancing NRE, they insist it's my jealously but I just want a level of respect and care that I've previously always been shown

Me (M49) and my wife have after years of consideration figured out we will open up our relation and start dating others. This is totally new ground to me and I wonder if there are certain apps for poly dating, or if someone has other tips to share?

Haven't been "on the market" for very long and I missed much of the online dating era. 😄 I guess I'm looking for a way/place to meet women without always having to start off by explaining I'm not single and not cheating on anyone.

Polyamory is a type of ENM, but ENM isn't necessarily a type of polyamory.

Discuss. It should be very interesting.

Edited for a typo.

I (f29) have been with my boyfriend (m33) for 3 years and he won't compliment me. He compliments his wife (f30) whenever he sees her but not me. We've talked about it before and it got better but now it's like he's not even trying. I got a new dress and showed it to him and he said "It's a nice dress." I wore it today and he saw myself and his wife at the same time. Told her "You look lovely today!" and then he looked at me and said "Ah, the new dress." And that was that. What the hell do I say to that? He was wearing a new shirt that he really liked and my petty self didn't say anything about it and he's mad and doesn't understand why I didn't say anything. It's all so stupid. How do I get him to understand that I like when he compliments me and that it's hurtful that he will compliment someone in front of me but not me?

It all started wonderfully. It was like a dream. 😔

Important info: I’m a lady. I’m seeing a lady and a gentleman who are married.

In the beginning it felt so wonderful. We all interacted so nicely, and things felt so happy. Intimacy was great, relaxing together was a delight, and boundaries were in place and functioning wonderfully.

And then she got jealous.

It’s been pitching sideways more and more the longer it goes on. What was okay before suddenly wasn’t anymore. She gets attention from her husband and she’s on cloud nine. I get attention and she’s quiet, ignoring, or stomping off to go pout.

We have all sat down and talked about it together. Repeatedly. It’s not getting better. We’ll have a huge heart to heart, all cry it out, make plans to do better, and might have one very nice interaction. One good sleep together. One evening where it feels like we’re back on an upswing. 🥲

But then the jealousy returns. It returns again and again and I’m getting very tired of it. It feels like to have one nice interaction requires a dozen discussions and multiple weeks of waiting for the right moment. And then in the right moment gosh I had better be ready at that instant or it might careen on by. Meanwhile they have no issue being intimate with each other on a duo basis routinely.

This doesn’t feel right. I know what that means, and I know what I’m going to have to do. I guess I’m just posting here with some modicum of hope that at best someone will tell me something I haven’t tried that will make things nice again.

…and at worst I’ll at least get confirmation of what I feel like I already know. 🙁

Hi so I am Wondering if I am asking for too much.

TLDR: I want overnights with my boyfriend and his NP isn’t comfortable

Basically my boyfriend and his spouse (NB) have been poly a little over a year. They both have multiple partners but have never done overnights with other partners. I am solo poly but definitely a relationship girl. I am not the hit it and quit it type. I have been seeing my boyfriend 2-3ish months. And am feeling like the whole no overnights thing is kind of ridiculous. His spouse has anxiety and some attachment issues and I am full understanding that this is a huge shift for them emotionally to have their partner of 20 years sleep somewhere else with another person. They haven’t even had an overnight with thier partner who they say they love and have been with almost a year now.

For me I need to feel like my partner wants to be a real part of my life and not just a sex friend I caught feelings for. So I have told him from the beginning that I will need an overnight eventually. And he is now asking me if I felt like I could be in a relationship with him if it just never happened. I don’t think I’m asking for too much but am I? Am I the crazy one here?

Hi all, I'm new to this space & rapidly upskilling. I'm trying to figure out where the line is between healthy & toxic behaviour.

What if you absolutely love & respect your partner and have had a mostly solid relationship with them for many years but find there are areas of you that are unfulfilled (and cannot be fulfilled by primary partner but are romantic requirements & cannot be fulfilled by friends) and that you would want to explore and build connections with others?

Is that healthy or toxic grounds for polyamory? I see a lot of posts about making sure your primary relationship is secure before embarking into poly but if you got absolutely everything you needed from one person wouldn't you be monogamous?

Thank you 😊

We could always use stories of polyamorous joy, yeah?

Today I went on a picnic with my polycule (boyfriend, boyfriend-to-be, metamour, telemour, and meta-to-be + two of our friends) plus all our kiddos—ten kids and eight adults. It was such a blast, my partner met my child for the first time and I met my meta’s daughter for the first time. There was so much yummy food, a playground, a splash pad, we brought toys for the kids. My telemour even bought them matching necklaces.

The little ones ran around playing until they couldn’t anymore, while the grown-ups talked and cuddled. My meta had bragged to me how good our boyfriend was with kids, and she wasn’t lying! He kicked a ball around with them forever and it was the cutest thing to see. My meta’s daughter and mine are close in age and were inseparable the whole day—we’re even talking about doing sleepovers over summer break!

And it’s days like this that remind me why I love polyamory for myself. It’s hard and there’s been a good deal of pain, but damn, if these moments of love and community don’t make it all worth it.

I just discovered my other partner has a baby and a new wife and has been lying to me for over a year. Quick background: I (43 f) am married 17 years to my spouse (m) and we’ve been nm for most of it. I’ve been seeing Derek, as we’ll call him, on and off for a good chunk of that time. Though we’ve drifted in and out of each other’s lives, friendship and attraction always brought us back. About 5 years ago I ended it after I learned Derek was getting serious with a girlfriend whom he didn’t want to know about me. I was deeply hurt and told myself I was done with him for good. That is until about two years ago when I guess the hurt subsided enough that I let him charm me again. My husband knew how badly I’d been hurt before and cautioned me, but respected my choice to speak to him again. We met a few times for drinks, but nothing physical happened until 9 months ago. Because of the distance and our busy schedules we didn’t see each other often. But my feelings grew stronger, and I believed his had too. In December we discussed ending it; he said he wanted more than I could give. That lasted less than two months before we resumed flirting and planning when we might spend another night together. Then I pulled up his socials today and saw a photo dump from the last five months. He had a baby in December and got married a few months later. I thought I was going to throw up and I’m still sick about it. I texted after I discovered his lies and told him to never contact me again. I’m so angry and hurt, but mostly I’m furious with myself. If he contacts me again, I may just let his new wife know. I haven’t decided yet, right now I just want to forget him.

Sorry for the cryptic title, But I (20M)- am in a romantic relationship with my bf (20M).

I am non monogamous, and went into the relationship open about this, and he said he had no issue with it. And honestly, he did not. It was mostly casual kissing with people in clubs and what not, nothing special. We communicated about someone I wanted to get involved with more regularly (A), and whilst it was a serious and difficult discussion, we came to the conclusion that me being constantly anxious about what was okay with him was not healthy, and so I was free to go about as I pleased (I do not love the power that comes with vetos). this all sounds selfish so far, but I am checking in with him regularly, and he agrees this is the best course of action, and that me sleeping with others doesn't make him upset. He is obviously also free to do so as he pleases, but he mainly just enjoys making out with people in clubs.

Things with A have been going great since, and recently they visited me at university. I let my bf know, and he got quite sad, he was not upset at me, nor was it anything I had done wrong, but he couldn't help but feel inadequate, or not engaging enough, despite knowing I love him to bits, and I'm never disappointed by him. I think its a little bit of a honeymoon situation where I'm fairly interested in this new connection I have forged, I know this will fade. He is not hurt by the arrangement generally, but when he is reminded, it does make him sad sometimes. He says this isn't his natural way of dating, and it takes adjusting, but that he worries he will never be desensitised to it. This scares me, the idea we may not be compatible is agonising, and I want to try, because he really is amazing.

I have some hope that his issues aren't necessarily with me sleeping with others fundamentally, but feeling inadequate as a result, which I feel we can work on.

Does anyone have any advice? or do you think it is inherently doomed?

Hello fellow members. Seeking advice on how to move forward with issues regarding a meta.

Currently one of my partners is in the process of separating. Me and this Meta have never met. He has expressed an interest to think about it with hinge. Every couple of weeks there has been some type of issue or argument regarding meta. Hinge has tried her best to ease it or correct it, I understand it has put her in a difficult situation.

Where my issue now stands is recently hinge and I have talked about things, planned activities or a desire to share more of our lives. She then back tracks because of the concerns of meta- obviously given the sensitive nature of their separation I can understand it. But at some point I have had enough of it. The only time it feels to me that he cares is when the budget they are working with is affected by plans, dates or activities for hinge and me.

He has zero issues going on his own dates, but has an issue if her dates or whatever aren’t budgeted. Now it’s also becoming an issue to not progress hinge and I’s relationships because of how it may have an emotional affect on him, or whether he is in the right state of mind to see hinge and I’s relationship progress.

How do I nicely approach hinge with the unfairness of our relationship and double standard that is caused by meta?

Edit- some contexts to issues

He would text her and pick a fight during our dates or right before a set activity hinge and I have.

He is purposely left out of the loop on certain details because it sounds like he wouldn’t be happy if he knew hinge and I were hanging out with friends.

Concerns if how he would react or act when a situation involved me. Him getting mad or angry while my emotional needs might have to be shelved for a later time to shield him.

His issue with budget over dates, but zero issue for his own dates.

EDIT/UPDATE: Thank you for the thoughtful responses many of you have made. I have started to receive comments that are OFF the topic I asked for advice about. I would love to lock this post so no one else can comment but I don't know how (yes, I tried searching for instructions). I have reported the comments and will continue to report and block as necessary. I don't want to delete the post because some of the responses have been very thoughtful and might be helpful to others. 💗

I (50, F) am relatively new to polyamory. I've been practicing poly for just over a year, since my husband of 23 years (with whom I was monogamous) died on February 16, 2023. He & I had discussed being poly during the last 2 years of our marriage but he wasn't comfortable with me forming emotional attachments to others. We did more of a monogam-ish thing for our last 2 years together.

I have 3 partners currently: my boyfriend (52, M) who I consider my anchor partner and see most nights if I don't have other plans, my cub (21, M) who I see once or twice a week (one overnight about every other week) and my girlfriend (47, F) who has been poly since she was 17 and who I see about once a month.

ALL that to say that I am not sure my boyfriend is really OK with me being poly. I was poly when we met - at that time I had a younger guy living with me - but that relationship was going badly and my bf got to "be there for me" through that breakup. Throughout I maintained that I did not want monogamy and he said it was OK, he wanted me to be free to be me. We get along really well, share similar interests and goals. I love him. 💗 We started dating in late September 2023 and the young guy moved out October 10, 2023.

Since then, though, I have felt like no matter what our agreements are, my bf just gets upset when I want to spend time with anyone else. At first he wanted to be notified ahead of time. We don't live together and I was working and staying out of town 3 nights a week and this started to feel unreasonable to me because I worked nights and would often be making plans while he was sleeping. I also didn't like to just text him about things because I knew he would get upset and thought talking on the phone or in person would be better. I felt like I was having to ask permission before meeting other people and I didn't want that.

We have since adjusted our agreements so that I don't have to tell him beforehand, but he still wants to know when I am seeing someone else. He has accepted that my other 2 partners exist but he doesn't want to know them. I have read enough in this forum to know that it is reasonable for him to ask for parallel, but it causes me distress that he becomes upset/sad when I tell him I have plans with one of them, or that I am meeting someone new.

He is free to see other people but has told me he doesn't have the energy or desire to do so. He has said things that sound like red flags to me, like, "I realize that I am not enough for you" 😩 or "I know you need more than just me..." He has said it hurts him when I see others but that "he can deal with it."

I asked him to read The Ethical Slut with me so we could work through some of the exercises - apparently he sat down and read it one day in about 2 hours then never told me he had done it! It came up weeks later in a relationship check in.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just a bit lost. He is an adult and I have been honest with him from the beginning. But I am not comfortable continuing to do behaviors that I KNOW are hurting my partner. Do I just have to trust HIM to decide if/when it is too painful for him? I have thought about it at length and I truly do not want to give up my autonomy again and agree to a monogamous relationship.

I am open to advice and of course questions because this is long already but there are so many more details I could share. 💗

What should I do?

I've joined a few poly groups and noticed there's a lot of kink-minded people involved, as well as gender fluid/trans people. The two are not mutually inclusive right? Is there a connection between the two that make it more common place amongst the same groups? I'm an xennial so I might have some old-world views of things, but it seems to me that a lot of people confuse and blend sexual preferences/identities/relationships, or am I just the one confused?