Welcome to /r/Polyamory!

Hi, wise poly people! <3 Does anyone else have this ... situation in their poly dating life?

I have no children and live on my own, both very much by choice. I often date people who are a bit younger than me, in their 30'ies, and that often means that they have children and a nesting partner. And because of that it's very convenient that we're always at my place. So they see my home, my bookshelves, my choice of bedding, while I don't see those aspects of their lives and, really, personalities. I am also (this is a minor thing, but still annoying) left with all of the practical/manual stuff that goes on around a date, such as washing/changing sheets and so on.

Does any of you have experience with this situation? Of course, I could just stop dating people who have a nesting partner, but that would seriously diminish my dating pool. Or I could insist on, say, spending every other date at their place. Or at least not at my place - a hotel room would at least be "neutral ground". Or I could suck it up - this is just what it's like to be poly and to live by myself.

Hmm ... Thoughts?

I (27F) and my NP (27M) have been together 4 years, living together 3 years. He has been with meta (26F) since 8 months and I also have a bf.

Me and NP opened up our relationship at the beginning of the year, we worked through most of the hardships that come with opening up the relationship and have reached a nice balance within one year. However I personally struggled to set boundaries, often saying I’m fine with situations I wasn’t really fine with, and realising it a lot later.

One thing I struggle with currently is meta coming over to our home. We have a small one-bedroom appartement in which meta and NP often hang out when they’ll know I won’t be there. They have always asked beforehand and I’ve always agreed. I realise now it was more because I wanted to accomodate them (meta can’t host and my bf can) than because I’m comfortable with someone else being in my home.

I feel very vulnerable having someone else going everywhere I would normally go, using our bed etc even when I’m not around. I’ve always known I’d ideally want a room for myself even before polyamory, as I love to have my space and my time alone to recharge. Moving with or without NP is not an option.

NP hosting in our home was always a bit difficult to manage, but it was usually fine because they’re often at our home when I’m at bf’s. When I’m not however, it does trigger me, and last week I was out of town and NP and meta spend the whole week in our home. Again, I agreed to this situation. However I’m coming back home today with a sense of dread, feeling like my safe space has been violated.

I’ve read a lot of threads here from people who couldn’t imagine someone else in their safe space, but I really want to find a compromise that wouldn’t deprive NP and meta of their cosy / intimate moments in a place that’s important to NP, and also logistically easy. Closing my home would also disrupt the balance we have because my bf can host and meta can’t, so I would have that cosy space with bf and NP and meta would not. I’m not comfortable with that.

Any tips would be welcome!

Uuuhhh, hi! Hello! What's up! I'm a dude in a polyamorous relationship with my boyfriend, I met him via my friend Adelaide who is his wife (no issues here whatsoever, adelaide is rlly neat and cool and i enjoy her :3) and we've been in a long distance for i wanna say? a year or two now? He's one of the sweetest people i've ever met and I truly adore him.

The issue (not that the person is, just that the issue spawned upon this happening) arised when he started getting close with this guy he met via a game server called Steven. I've talked to Steven and know him and he's really chill, but like, I'm not SUPER involved with him whatsoever, we're like brother husbands/sister wives or whatever the fuck. But the thing is, since he's arrived I feel sorta pushed aside? Me and my boyfriend have always been very much not distant but we don't feel the need to talk CONSTANTLY cause we just get one another and often life gets in the way because he has a lotta day to day stuff to deal with (while I do not at the moment) which is fine and causes no issues for me. But I noticed how often he would interact with Steven in the game server he made after the one they met in imploded basically and I try to be active in there but my own issues make me less prone to talking much in there. It's a wonderful server! Everyone in there is super nice and I have a fun time being in there!

But the stuff with Steven is just....making me irrational and causing me to form negative views I don't want to form about him. I do know at the end of the day, communication is key and I will be talking to my boyfriend about this, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how best to approach this topic specifically? I don't want to force ultimatums or anything, I just need a way to be comfortable again without resorting to drastic things cause I care about my boyfriend and want him to be happy no matter who he's wife or the amount of people he's with, genuinely. He means a lot to me.

As an aside, this time of year is difficult for me and I have intense abandonment issues, so I do know most of the source for what's happening to me, but I want to be open about it to try and make this time of year not so horrible.

Edited to changed names from G and P to Reed and Tom.

With the help of a wonderful couples therapist, my husband of 10 years (Reed) and I transitioned to polyamory. You can read my previous posts for more context, but it was Reed who had been asking for this transition for years and also for a divorce so that we could remain partnered but practice poly from as much of a non-hierarchical place as we could (keeping in mind that there is inherent hierarchy to parenting.) The plan was to begin separating finances, do a ritual to honor our marriage and what it held for us, and begin making outside connections.

All three of us (including our couples therapist) thought Reed would make connections first but then I had someone (let’s call him Tom) come up to me in public and give me their number. I informed Tom I was poly and they were open to connecting and we hit it off immediately in every way. We became intimate quickly and it was all green flags.

Reed was going through some things in his own therapy at the same time and came to me with the realization that he had been searching for connection elsewhere while I had been patiently available and waiting to connect with him over all these years. He told me he was supportive of my new relationship but would not be looking for other connections himself anymore and that he no longer wanted a divorce. I was shocked because he was so adamant about doing this for so many years. For the first time in our relationship I saw him feel insecure.

Reed had always been exceptionally independent but all of the sudden was very touchy, always wanting to connect during every down moment and actually asking me on dates that he put a ton of energy into, which he hasn’t done in years.

I know I was experiencing a lot of NRE with Tom but I fell in love with them very quickly. We shared very similar lifestyles, spirituality, political beliefs, had a ton of chemistry, and felt very safe with one another. Our connection was surprisingly strong for both of us. It felt very balanced in that I was able to spend the night once a week and hang out for a few hours with him an additional day or two a week but outside of that we were not texting much at all and I was very present at home with my family. The thing is my new relationship put things quickly into context with Reed. Tom so clearly made me feel desired and secure in ways I have never felt inside my marriage.

Reed began showing up around the house in ways I was always wanting him to. Being intentional with me and the kids, giving me a lot of affection, just being present in so many ways. But I’m realizing that I think him and I had a very anxious (me)- avoidant (him) relationship with him and now that I feel secure in another relationship a lot of what I thought was my own desire for him has vaporized. I realized that before I met Tom I had somehow decided I was unattractive and not desirable and now that I’ve realized that I am actually quite the opposite, I’m realizing that I love Reed but the love feels much more based on friendship and camaraderie than romance and attraction.

Tom had to move away for a work opportunity and since then I (and our therapist) have urged Reed to continue seeking out connections. I have also told him that I do want to pursue a divorce but remain partnered. To be clear I have put so much effort in to making sure he feels loved and desirable in relationship with me and he has vocalized to our therapist that he feels secure with me, but outside of therapy he’s started feel uncomfortably dependent on me. He sometimes gets really down about me wanting to ‘move on’ or that I am not attracted to him anymore (even though I do still pursue connection, including sexually). I don’t know what to do about it- on one hand I’ve realized that there are feelings I want to have that he’s never given me in relationship but on the other hand I do love him and desire to share connection with him, it has just changed. When he talks about the future with me I start to feel like the walls are closing in, or like he wants everything from me.

I’m curious what your thoughts are. Part of me is wondering if it’s time to actually move on from my highly partnered relationship with Reed because of what this transition has showed me about our relationship.

I said in a previous post that I don't need advice on whether to continue or end the relationship, but I found out new things and now I would like to use some advice... I have been in a poly relationship with my nesting partner Papaya for about 5 yr. I also have another partner, Papaya has been actively dating for 1.5 yr and just made their relationship official with my meta.

Papaya has been occasionally breaking our agreements and lying to me since he started seeing other people. He has lied about not having sex with a new person and that he has been committing to our agreements, when he had not. It has been important to me that I don't sleep in the same sheets that Papaya has had sex with my meta. Papaya has earlier not honored this agreement because he forgot, and didn't have the courage to tell me about the oblivion, and said then that this won't happen again. Yesterday he was caught not honoring this agreement again. He thought that meta would abandon him if she finds out that Papaya has agreements about the sheets, so he didn't change the sheets nor told me. He didn't confess until I found some menstrual blood on the blanket and asked if they had been using it. He also said that this was not the first but the second time with meta when this happens. I feel humiliated that I have unknowingly slept in sheets where meta and Papaya have had sex, when I have in particular asked no to be in that kind of situation. The sheets themselves are not a big deal, but I find it disgusting that Papaya has not respected my wishes and has hidden his actions from me.

Papaya has also broken other agreements we have and lied to me when I have asked about them. He also admitted today, that years ago he had broken one of our agreements, and although it was not a very significant matter, he had not told me about it.

Papaya said that when he feels distressed in a relationship, he flees to other relationships and then have been breaking the agreements, because he doesn't see hope for the relationship in that moment. He also said that he is afraid of disappointing his partners, which was reflected in him not changing the sheets in front of meta, because meta might not have liked it (imo I'm not sure why he thinks meta would not have been ok with that, but I understand that he is unsure and that's because he reacts so strongly).

On the other hand, now that the lies have been exposed, he has made a to do-list about how to to change his behaviour and showed it to me today (and it seemed sensible to me). When the lying happened for the first time, he said that he's going to therapy (that hasn't started yet). He has also frozen his relationship with the meta to where they are now, to get some time to practice being a hinge before escalations (me and Papaya were not planning to escalate, but meta and Papaya have just started dating and escalation was to be expected).

Outside of lying, Papaya is a wonderful, understanding and communicative partner with whom we have a good, open conversations and really good time (that is, except of course when he lies or breaks agreements). I see that he is working to be a better partner. Now, with the repeated lying and dishonored agreements over the past year, I have told Papaya that I am considering if I can still be in a relationship with him. I know you can't make the decision for me, but I could use some reflection on how you would handle my situation.

I’m in a poly relationship of 4 years where I love my connection with my partner but his relationship with his other partner is toxic and abusive. She also has no respect for him or me and is now lying about things and where she’s at and having unprotected sex with other people (against the agreements of the relationship). Not to mention how completely unsafe this is and now I do not feel safe to have sex with my partner due to her lying. This person is a miserable person who genuinely wants others around her to be miserable as well. Yet my partner still holds onto the relationship.

My problem amongst many things is in this relationship is I feel like I give love and care and affection to my partner and instead of him giving it back he gives it to her in an effort to save their relationship, leaving me feeling neglected. When their relationship first started getting really bad I tried to be understanding of this but as their relationship has gotten worse and time has gone on I feel he is treating me worse. Over the years I have tried gently having conversations with him telling him how he’s being treated is not okay and he seems to hear it but not do anything about it and as she treats him like trash he fawns all over her.

I’ve also noticed on days when I’m trying to keep my distance or am upset he suddenly starts being super affectionate with me which I do not appreciate and makes me feel bad and wonder if the behavior stems from trauma he’s had.

There’s a long list of issues in my dynamic and the space as a whole and as understanding as I try to be, living in this toxic abusive environment is miserable and is becoming too much. Watching my partner being mentally abused daily is horrible and no matter what I say or do to help nothing changes. It’s gotten to the point where it’s affecting my mental health so much as well that if my partner is not going to leave this relationship with her that as much as I love him for my own well being I might need to exit the relationship. Which really really sucks a lot but I don’t know what to do at this point. Watching the person you love have the life and will drained out of him is an absolute nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but what more am I able to do? I cannot force him to end the relationship and despite him admitting she doesn’t treat him right and that he doesn’t see a future with her he doesn’t end it. Again linking back to him being more affectionate with her but also me when things are not okay but yet cold when things are good makes me wonder what that might be stemming from trauma wise.

I guess has anyone else been in this situation? Or even just helped a friend or someone see their relationship is abusive/ was able to help them get out of it and see they need to leave?

I have been coming up against this with my meta. They seem to me to think that I am somehow keeping them from having a full relationship with my NP. And a lot of ot seems to revolve around the fact that I live with NP and they dont. NP gives them 2.5 days a week. Which amounts to 2 evenings and a friday until saturday at noon every other week.

Now NP and I very much believe in RA, and poly, and being free to have full relationships with other people. But they keep bringing it up that somehow the functional hierarchy of my NP and I living together is somehow preventing them from having a full relationship.

I have asked them a few times now that they take time and really think about what they feel a full relationship is. And why they think Im somehow preventing it. But I believe that even if we were full parralel that isnt stopping them from having a full relationship.

Im also feeling now that I am getting pulled into managing their feelings around this issue when really it has nothing to do with me.

So what makes a full relationship to you in poly? Are you RA? What makes a full relationship to you in the RA framework.

I just feel like this meta is constantly pushing to be at my house more. And wants more and more and more of my partner. And I just dont know what to do or how to feel.

Any insight would be helpful. But also I just wanna know what yall think about what a full relationship is. And do you feel that someone who is married and has a kid can give you that or not. Because I feel like the crux of the issue is they feel like somehow Im preventing that. And I dont think I am.

EDIT: the reason meta is bringing this to me has to do with the fact that this all started as an unintentional triad. And that I was broken up with by meta. And we had issues to work out. We had to have a conversation to work out our issues because I felt that they wanted to invade my relationship with my partner because they always want more and from my perspective they were not a safe person for me. We had that as an in the open conversation in discord because I wanted it to be entirely clear what we said to each other. But now they are pulling me into conversations that definitely have nothing to do with me. By telling me they think Im preventing them from having a full relationship. All of this is happening in our joint discord.

EDIT EDIT: I think partner needs to make extra clear to meta what they have to offer. Meta wants non hierarchichal. But NP and I cant offer that and shouldnt claim that is what we have to offer. We mistakenly thought we did. Because we have no strong feelings of hierarchy of feelings. Just time and living space. I think basically partner cant give meta what they want. And if meta wants non hierarchy they need to go elsewhere.

We are also all neurodivergent. Which doesnt make any of this easy.

EDIT EDIT EDIT: okay yall. I figured out what our issues are. Im no longer responding to comments because some of yall are very aggressive. I get we fucked up in offering non hierarchy when that wasnt what we really had.

Hey I'm S(23 F) and im already sorry for my english its not my first language.

I'm here for telling my story about polyamour and how it ended in the saddest break up of my life , and maybe findinf some advices.

I S meet A(29 M) on bumble four months ago, i was not looking for a serious relationship just meeting people and having fun with someone regularly.

Thats how it started with A having fun and enjoying sometime together (sexual and just some fun date chatting , joking ect) When we meet i understand immediatly A is for open relationship and im fine with it. It's not serious between us and we dont have to justified our life to each other just being responsable adult and being honnest about if we see other people. A told me he was seeing two other person and again , im fine with it.

But after maybe one or two month i started having more and more feelings for A and by speaking with him i understand that is reciprocate. Not wanting to go to fast in our relationship we just decided to not go in a couple immediatly.

The open side was still ok for me , i was seeing people and he was steacking to is two regular.

And two weeks ago he told me "I'm in love with you" i was THRILLED because this was again so reciprocrate

He make me meet his friends, spoke abouit me aroun him ect . And here come the fall...

One week ago i wasnt feeling really good about myself, having some jealousy about the girls he was stealing seeing. So i told him ( he have a great communication and hearing about the need and insecurity of each other) he listened and we decided to talk about it during the weekend when we will be together face to face

I told him that more the weeks were going through more we were acting like a couple ! And i was feeling the need to officialize it with him ! And he agreed ! again i was thrilled and more happy than never

after this four month i discovered the man of my dream , a healthy relationship , my perfect partener

one ofthe girl he was seeing had to leave the country for some reason so he was only seeing one girl at this point , and he always clear that he had great time with her not only sexualy but he genuianly appreciate her . And again i was fine with it because i though it was just affection like a friend with interest...Until last sunday

I go to his appartement like every weekend since two month and thats when i told him i needed to step up our situationship to a relationship. When he agrred it was time to have a convo about the open side of our relationship

I was fully ok with the keep it up like that but it wasnt really what i though : He told me he was also in love with the other girl he was seeing , that even if it wasnt a subject right now maybe he will want to be in a relationship with her also ! At the same time as me.

At this moment i just felt my world collapsed, it wasnt about appreciation or fun it was love

He told me that he was able to meet my parents as much as he was able to meet hers...having to couple at the same time in parellele . That none of me or her could prevail in his life. No exclusivity on nothing ...feelings, moments , meeting friends , dates ON NOTHING

I didnt care about sex of some little dates , but this...this was too much

Knowing that the man i love love someone else at the same time, that no intimity or exclusivity can just be mine . i couldnt...

He told me that he was polyamourus and that was his way of seeing life and he couldnt compromise on it

Im monogamour and the simple fact of accepting an open relationship was a big step for me , but that is impossible

I get home and past my all monday and thruday crying , thinking didnt know what to do . I watch evry show , listen every posdcast , read every post about polyamours about couple in it. And i just couldnt...

So thruday evening i goes to his place and decided to have THE talk. I told me i couldnt live like that, we cried a lot in the arm of each other

that was the first and last time that we say "i love you" to each other

he feeling so guilty about not having finding a better way to tell me that he was polyamourus sooner , what have fucked in our way to communicate for both of us not understanding the point of you of each other ?

Today im just heartbroken because i had to leave the man im in love with because i cant live like that...

It just feel so unfair

Thanks for ready all of that

sorry for the grammar and other mistake

hey friends, my partner and i have been together for almost 3 years, just after a year of dating she came out to me as poly (not hiding it from me, just did a lot of self discovery and felt like she identified with it) this is my first long term relationship and her longest relationship and everything else is perfect. after she came out i told her i would be in to try, but i literally couldn’t promise when, as i have to do a lot of self work first.

i’m a very anxious person and there’s a lot of stuff around opening up that makes me so nauseous. i know i can’t be everything for a person, but my whole life i felt like i wasn’t enough (people hid me from friends, cheated on me). i don’t know how to move past that feeling, and she’s grown impatient.

last night we almost broke up because i was basically given an ultimatum: we open up or we break up and it’s your fault. i don’t want to hold her back from who she is.. but i have no idea when i’m going to be ready.

for context we’re both trans, im ftm and she’s mtf. all her experience has been with female genitalia, and i know she wants to open up cause she’s bored with it, but it makes me so dysphoric.

i really want to try for her, i love this person with my whole heart. she doesn’t want another partner, just a lot of opening things up sexually, and romantically.

TL;DR : my tummy hurts cause my gf is poly but i have so much work to do on myself before i’m ready to open things up. she’s grown impatient, and said it’s my fault if we break up.

EDIT: sorry i should’ve made it extra clear. i am ON BOARD for trying polyam, it just takes me a really long time to adjust to changes. and this is something i’ve never even considered, so i don’t know how to let go of our current dynamic

I met a guy and he's married and has shown interest in me. He's been very open about what he wants and makes a huge effort to ask what I want. He's okay when I say no to things.

I recently ended a 5 year relationship with a straight monogamous man and the difference is astounding.

I'm excited to explore things with my new love interest and his wife. I feel very respected. I'm so happy!!!

a year and a half a go i started dating a guy was and is in a poly relationship. i knew from the beginning that, but i said i just want to have a good time.

fast forward to today and i have feelings for him. and its safe to say, he has feelings for me as well.

My issue is that i struggle with this dynamic a bit. He has a primary partner, with whom for example he spends his birthday, although i spent the day after his bday with him. But he will also probably spend Christmas/NYE with her, and not with me.

He has proposed a long time ago for me to meet his partner. But i have hesitated and everytime he brought it up, i felt uncomfortable. Although he says that he wants us to meet, so therefore for future events maybe we can all 3(4. maybe his partner brings his partner too) hang out together to such events.

I did not live a non monogamus nor poly life before and i am not dating anyone else besides him.

Don't know how to deal with this. Every 2-3 months we are having this heavy conversation that i open up because i feel uncomfortable and i would like to see more of him.

What should i do? What questions i should ask myself if this lifestyle is for me?

This whole situation also feels like it keeps me away, i have not told my family i am dating him. or anyone. But i would like to introduce him to them, its just that i fear that this is a committment i can t make either (what if we break up? nor am i sure i can tell my family that he has a girlfriend that s not me)

thank you all for listening.

My partner and I have been together for about two years. This is the longest relationship he’s had in about ten years. Throughout his dating history he has been serially monogamous and usually had fairly short (a few months) relationships. I have had fewer relationships but they have involved more long term commitment. When my partner and I got together we initially discussed marriage and children, we now live together and own our home.

I do think it’s relevant to mention we have not had sexual contact in over 18 months and I am dissatisfied about this, its driven by him having no desire for it. We cuddle and hold hands and PG kiss. When we did have a sex life we both seemed very very satisfied with it, from my perspective this ended overnight. He says this is a pattern from past relationships, sex is a pathway to deeper intimacy and then he loses interest.

My partner has recently come out to me as polyamorous. He is very excited about what this means for him and his identity and knowing himself better. I wholeheartedly support that as I believe that’s what life is about. This is a belief we share: we are here to understand ourselves deeply and live as our most authentic selves.

He has said there is no circumstance where he doesn’t want to continue our relationship and share our home. He says nothing will be taken away “except his time”. He says he does not believe in monogamy and believes it leads to suffering and is what destroys most relationships. He described it as “owning” another person.

I am devastated and trying really hard not to be. I can’t stop picturing the different scenarios and it’s hard to imagine being okay with any of them. Intellectually I understand what he’s saying and agree with a good amount of it, but my heart is so broken. I really don’t know if I can do this and I don’t know if it’s fair to try. I have committed to learning more and understanding myself and my needs better, including why I care about monogamy and what it means to me.

I don’t know what the path forward looks like

hello, my partner (m28) told me that he was envious of the time I spent with my best friend (m32) (who was for a short amount of time my partner but it didn't work because our dynamic was more healthy friendly only and my partner had been very jealous at the time of him. ) I (f27) spend a lot of time with my best friend, I see him almost every day. my partner told me that he would like to have the relationship that I have with my best friend, but for me it's just not that. I love both relationships but that of my best friend is just as important to me. in polyamory, the times when there is jealousy, it's not about having sex or having others parthers but it's about spending a lot of time or seeing movies or doing interesting things without choosing my partner first. how do you manage this in a healthy way?

Edit: the title is Partner*/best friend

Hey everyone! I (26 MtF) had a conversation with my partner last night about wanting to be poly and it went over really well. He had lots of questions but was very warm and receptive to the idea. It was one of the most intimate conversations we’ve ever had, and I’m so happy that I trusted him with this. I was very nervous going into it because I know that non-monogamy is a dealbreaker for so so many people, and it has been very relieving to know I have his support. We’re planning to take things slowly so that we have room to process our feelings and adjust to change, but I can’t help but be excited for the future.

I’m not really looking for advice right now—I just really needed to tell someone about this very special moment. Thank you for sparing a moment of your time to listen! ❤️

I’ve been practicing some form of polyamorous relationships for about three years now. Largely for these I’ve been ambivalent about the partners of my partners. Not my monkeys, not my circus, you have fun and make time for me when you can.

It’s been a great way to curb jealousy at the door. It’s been a great way to just not give a fuck.

I took a break from that to be single and focusing on my mental health for about a year. Then I started dating someone who was engaged.

I don’t like my metamour. My partner has opened up to me about their struggles enough that if they were my friend I’d tell them to break up. I’d be frustrated that my friend was stuck in a situation that was seemingly fundamentally incompatible.

I’ve tried to be impartial and supportive, but I just can’t anymore. I don’t like them. I think the feeling is mutual. We’ve met, I don’t think we have anything in common or worth discussing. I get along better with my partner’s family than I do my metamour. Hell, I like all their friends. There’s just someone very important in the life of someone important to me that I just don’t like.

I’m not used to being forced to be in the orbit of someone I don’t like. Even with family members I’ve cut people off and out of my life. I live a relatively stress free emotional existence because I only make time for people I care about and can reciprocate.

I just feel like I’ve been exposed to something I shouldn’t have. I didn’t need to know the things that made me dislike someone I don’t know and don’t really care to know. I didn’t need to even know this person. What’s important to me is my partner and the time we spend together. Everything else is out of focus, until it isn’t and my brain goes “oh yeah. I don’t think I like you.”

How do I work on finding some inner peace with this? I can feel myself starting to become resentful, and I don’t like that.

Hi all! I have an unfortunate situation with my nesting partner Papaya and could use some advice. Background: we've been in a poly relationship for about 5 yr. I have another partner with whom I don't live together. Papaya has started actively dating about 1.5 yr ago. During this 1.5 year period, Papaya has lied to me a few times about things he has done with others (e.g. having sex) and disrespected agreements we've made together (e.g. changing the sheets after sex). He has always been remorseful and made clear changes to his behaviour after the situations (e.g. went to therapy).

About 2 months ago he met my meta, with whom he is now in an official relationship. During these 2 months, Papaya has broken some of our agreements regularly, nothing major though. Then an unfortunate thing unfolded: we've agreed to have separate sheets with metas and/or change the sheets after sex, if we've had sex with metas in our bed. Yesterday Papaya was caught for having had sex with meta on the extra bed using the blanket from our bed, and that he has took the blanket then back to our bed (I found out because of menstrual blood on the blanket). He confessed that he's done this before, and that I've been sleeping under that blanket over a week.

When I added up the previous lies and breaches of trust, I told Papaya that he has broken my trust repeatedly and I need to think about whether I could continue in the relationship. Papaya said that it happens too much in his life, and because of that and his own unresolved issues he has stopped investing in our relationship. Papaya said he is still willing to change his behaviour, wants to continue with me and wants to work on the relationship.

So far everything is clear from my side, but now comes my real question.

I said that my desire to continue with him might be affected by whether he is really making changes to his life circumstances to calm it down. I said that these changes might be whatever, and I don't want to have an influence about what he chooses to do. I emphasized that I don't want him to end/de-escalate the relationship with meta, or choose between us, and what he's doing with meta is not a condition or even the "best option" for our relationship to continue. However, I did say that in order to continue with him, I hope to see a change in some aspect of his life. I said that just now I've felt unsafe in a poly relationship with him, because he has been breaking our agreements so regularly, and these situations only happen in relation to other relationships. I said that I believe that Papaya has already done his best to stop lying, and that it seemed to me a doomed premise if he continues his life exactly as it's been, but assumed that the lying and breaking of agreements would stop immediately in the same circumstances in which it had been happening regularly. That's why I told that him changing/not changing his life in some way may affect if I want to continue. I tried to make it as clear as possible that the changes don't have to have anything to do with his other relationships, but can be anything that gives him the peace in the life he's been hoping to get. He has said that he needs more resources in his life to take care of our relationship, so it makes it easier for me to believe that he is going to invest in our relationship if he really changes something in his life to get those resources.

But now I'm starting to worry if I accidentally set an ultimatum by saying that he changing/not changing his life in some way may affect if I want to continue with him. What do you think? What would you do in a similar situation?

Papaya has given me clear reasons why he has lied and broken our agreements, and I understand them. In this situation, I am genuinely willing to consider whether I would be able to continue in this relationship. So I am not looking for advice on whether I should end the relationship or continue, but for opinions on whether it was ethical for me to say that the circumstances he has in his life may affect whether I want to continue with him. Thank you!

I think I'm getting broken up with today because my partner has been distant for months now. I've noticed and asked several times, and it was always an answer like "I don't know" or "I'm just not feeling like being around anybody." I was understanding and tried to give space because I knew what life stressors she was dealing with ( illness and death in the family in particular).

The relationship is hierarchical, and her husband is her person. Understandable seeing as they've been together their entire adult life, but it seemed for a while that their might be room for me also. They have another partner whom they've been getting closer to, and while it doesn't make me jealous, I did raise concerns about this partner getting more quality time to really bond with them both. I was trying to get the relationship to a solid place where the three of us could be together even if her husband and I didn't end up as romantic partners. At the very least, I wanted to be close friends with him, but it seemed like he had a wall up.

Maybe none of that matters, but I wanted to add some context to the situation.

My question is: What would you ask if this was you? If you knew this might be the last time you were going to see them, what would you say? I just don't even know what to expect, but with the way I've been treated, I'm not sure I can trust myself to advocate for myself effectively without a plan in place. ( I've let my needs be pushed aside due to their hardships, hoping it would be made right later, but it never was).

Hi there 👋🏻 So, long story short, I've been out as a polyamorous (non-hierarchical) for about 4 years now. Been living with my nesting partner for way longer, and we stepped into this world together. Now- we're getting a divorce, and as we have two kids I'm about to become a solo-parent.

The thing is .. I'm confused. I'm dating this cute mono-person, who dreams of the same things as me. A small cute home, happy kids, happy relationship with all the love in the world, and - for a difference, being able to and want to fight for love.

The relationship with my - now former - nesting partner has been somewhat turbulent, and I've been the only one able to fight for love for a lot of years (that's a side-quest-story for another day), and I'm really attracted to the idea of a solid, trustful relationship where we actually fight for love.

So.. I'm confused. Sometimes I think, I'm not really poly, but then again, I know I am. But .. How do people balance being poly and maybe getting a nesting partner and (more) kids? I'm also working a fulltime job, and having a life of my own. It somehow feels like being poly and searching for that kind of life is almost impossible.

And .. If you're poly dating a mono- or a mono dating a poly- do you have any advice ? Anything I should know?

I just can't wrap my brain around this.. How do people do this ?

For a class(college, ain't a minor mods) I have to make a visual representation and i was thinking about possibly doing a survey. My only thing is i don't really have any questions. I need about 5 or 6, and all I have is:

Would you support the idea of polygamous or polyamorous relationships?

If not, why(list of reasons)

And that's it, yall got any other ideas?

I have a backup idea of a physical item if this doesn't pan out.

Hi everyone,

This is something that's been on my mind a lot and something I'm trying to turn my head to because I think it will help my mental health.

I have a nesting partner who I coparent my child with and a long distance boyfriend. I love everyone. They love me. What I'm working on is feeling gratitude for the feeling that everywhere I go I miss people.

Could I ask if anyone here thinks this is a healthy attitude to cultivate?

I am typically in the moment with people I'm spending time with. I'm thinking of this as a method to get through the "oh deity, I really miss ___" moments.

I'll jump right in and hopefully spare you an essay, but my partner of almost 10 yrs -- I'll call him "Jackson". I live with Jackson -- started dating someone together, I'll call him Edward. He doesn't live with us. I met Edward first, earlier in the year, and I fell in love with him, he met Jackson just a few months ago, and they became official too. Jackson and I had been used to having our own separate "external" relationships with other people, Edward is the first we've ever both been involved with. They're both honestly so lovely and patient to me. I come here because I feel like I'm messing up. Some sort of imposter syndrome, anxiety and insecurity. I plan to start therapy soon, but it won't happen overnight. I feel a lot of anxiety I didn't think I would feel, but my partners are doing their best to reassure me, etc. I'm slowly improving, but I am the least chill out of the three of us, and I have to wonder sometimes if I'm here for the right reasons. I struggle with:

• Being alone while they're together gives me extreme fear of missing out, and I've tried to distract myself in every conceivable way -- videogames, movies, other social plans, getting work done, going to the gym... or drugs or alcohol (that ship has sailed, not a good plan) -- but it is still painful and depressing. I think it'd be helpful if someone could share how they dealt with this.

• The dynamic of Edward and Jackson together with me is rough. I sour the mood and I can barely tolerate it. I'm autistic, and the two of them become chatterboxes when they're together and I can't navigate the conversation. It feels like I can't even breathe in their presence. Jackson seems to turn into a different person, forcing jokes that I don't find funny, and striving to be the center of attention, in my eyes. He's more "normal" with me, but now I'm wondering if he's not truly happy or comfortable when it's just me. I've always preferred 1 on 1 time with people in general since I was a kid, and it still applies here. We plan to live all together if things work out, and I need to get used to it. But I can't be comfortable or myself most of the time with them simultaneously.

• I now compare myself to my initial partner Jackson in ways I didn't expect. He's more charismatic, skinnier than me and I'm afraid I'm beginning to resent him. There is a running tally that I cannot yet control in my head of the sexual attention Edward gives each of us (Edward is only comfortable doing things separately with us, and he considers himself on the asexuality spectrum, so it's not often), determined by stories I hear. Based on this "scoreboard" which I hate to call it, it's basically proving that Edward is more interested in Jackson more often than me, and I didn't think I valued sex this much until this moment. Edward has been very vocal about the types of guys he finds attractive, but now holds back, and understands that it makes me self-conscious, since I'm not really the guy of his dreams, to put it nicely. He's slipped and called me "mediocre" and "average-looking" under the veil of just being honest/speaking in the grand scheme of things, and has back-pedalled and begun to overcompensate with the nice adjectives, but I feel like I guilted him into this after explaining how I felt. I feel ashamed for being this way, but it's making me hate myself and I feel weird being sexual with Jackson now. This is very convoluted, layered and problematic. They both know all about this, and I just promise to do better, and do everything I can to cope. I still don't know what it'll take. I feel so guilty and gross.

So I'm like chasing Edward's approval because it hasn't even been a year yet. I feel secure with Jackson because, well, we've been through it. It definitely took me a long time to get secure. The only thing I worry about is if I'll turn into a toxic monster and sabotage this with my anxiety. Can anyone relate? Is this doable?

I've been with my gf Katherine for three years. We opened up about two and a half years ago, and I've watched her partners come and go. She's told me multiple times that she considers me a primary, and she lets me know when she gets into new relationships. One issue she consistently has is that she gets NRE hard, but she struggles with regular communication with her other loved ones. For a long time, I felt clingy. But she's been growing farther and farther away.

A partner of hers passed suddenly and tragically in October. It's made things hard, but the communication thing is an ongoing issue in our relationship. She doesn't reply to half my messages, I make our plans most of the time, and we're lucky if we see each other face to face once a week. I'll show her my artwork and she doesn't respond. I've learned the best way to get her attention is to ask her questions, so sometimes I call her and ask about something related to our job just to hear her voice.

Last month, she told me that she was moving in with with her late partner's partner, Beatrice, who she only met recently. (I posted about this before.) She made it clear that it was a decision she'd make no matter how I felt about it. It's her life, and Beatrice seems nice enough, but it's crushed me. It's so hard to get ahold of her, and now she'll be 1-2 hours away. When she got a promotion in March, she disappeared on me for months and I'm afraid she'll do it again.

I'm almost positive she will. Our mutual friends are moving in February, so she said she would spend all her spare time with them. She's still excited about Beatrice and talking to her (though Beatrice doesn't reciprocate her romantic feelings.) Last night we had a "fight" (us sobbing while talking about our feelings) and she asked me how I could still feel like she doesn't care about me after all these years. I told her I'd feel more loved if she messaged me, complimented me more, replied to my messages, made more plans, etc. She showed me her message history with other loved ones, and she goes far more silent on them. They'll be texting her asking if everything is okay because she's not replied for a week+, and she'll still ignore it. In hindsight, her showing me that was probably her way of telling me it wouldn't change.

I love her and she loves me, and she builds me up and supports me when she's around. But this isn't a "primary" relationship for me, it feels like a distant friendship where we kiss sometimes. I don't want to throw away the friendship or the kissing she can offer me just because she can't live up to my fairytale dream of cohabiting, talking every day, waking up to one another's beautiful face and awful morning breath, making life plans together, etc. (I was invited to move in with her and Beatrice, but honestly I don't think it's a smart move for either of us at this time.) I also want to see her grow and change in the new environment.

Currently, my ideas for de-escalating are to focus on my life outside of her. I hit the gym more, I make plans with my own family and friends, try and fail to stop drinking alcohol, and I've tried using dating apps. It's hard though (and Grindr is terrifying). How do I move past what our relationship used to be to accept the one we have now?

I've been poly for the past 5 years, and I absolutely love it. But the cultural reality of where I stay is that there are not a lot of Poly people

I meet people who are amazing and I really want to date, but they are monogramous.

A person I was seeing for the past month and a half just ended things because they're monogamous and can't do Poly. I really liked her and it sucks that it ended.

Feeling like this is a downside of being Poly. I don't know if anyone has felt this way.

My current partner has an ex that they broke up with about 6 months into their relationship with me. This ex has continously caused drama due to their belief that the break up was caused by me (see my last post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1f619q2/blamed_for_the_breakup/ ). They split back in April and say I "manipulated" our hinge into the break up.

Recently, my partner and I got engaged which caused a whole new wave of harassment that I am really struggling with. The ex is slandering my (very) small business as racist, homophobic etc as an attempt to impact my business and amount of customers. The accusation alone is annoying because it's so far from the truth but... This level really is just so low. I use this income to feed and clothe my children. Rumors like this unfortunately destroy micro businesses in a day. I turned off my reviews and made a statement on my page but kept it non accusatory.

It's not something I can take much legal standing on as this is the first time it's gone from drama/victimization to just blatantly harmful.

To clarify I have not retaliated or engaged with them in any form.

I just want this to stop.

Hi r/polyamory,

Long time reader, first time (throwaway) poster. I'm not sure if I am posting for advice, or to vent and comisserate. All comments welcome. I want solutions, but I feel none are coming, and feel hopeless.

The election happened here in the USA and the outcome was bad. My non-nesting partner Coriander [33 M] and his spouse/nesting partner Lavender [32 F] (both poly) are now convinced they must leave the country to take care of their kids (3 and 5 F) and move to a more liberal socialist country. They feel that the country is in a darker place and that it is imperative to raise their girls in a less threatening and safer culture, and in a more life balanced culture, to give them the best possible upbringing.

This gives me excruciating pain and sense of coming loss. Coriander and I have been together for a few years, and are intensely bonded. We provide core attraction and romance in each others' lives, as well as emotional intimacy and partner advice and support on a throughout each day basis, and generally have not felt this strongly about other numerous partners before, nor about our current other partners. While we love our spouses / nesting partners, our relationships with them have generaly evolved into incredible platonic relationships with the rare burst of emotional and physical intimacy, due to differing individual interests we have with our respective NPs / each of us not 'clicking' fully on that attraction wavelength with them. Coriander and I's connection seems durable and has withstood some very intense emotional conflict, as well as distance. I honestly cannot imagine life without Coriander or the day to day without them, and they feel similarly.

Although Coriander and I met while living in the same city, they moved to be near family and a long term partner just over a year into our relationship in an already planned move. Although we tried to part ways, we found we couldn't be disconnected, even after a year apart. We've since been consistently involved, and see each other as life partners. Coriander is now in a very liberal small city/ large town in the PNW, and I am in a larger Southern metroplex. I will often travel to be with Coriander, Lavender, and their family, and will live with their family for a week or more at a time, about once every 4 or 5 weeks. Occasionally, Coriander will come to me, but it is much harder for Coriander to travel given their girls and co-parenting responsibilities.

I've bonded with their girls, and feel like and have been treated as a co-parent to them, which both Coriander and Lavender have encouraged. I participate in their day to day and bedtime routine, and the girls often talk about me as part of their immediate family in play and in general (for example, at a vaccine appointment).

Because of the distance and wanting to share life together, Coriander has asked and encouraged many times that I move in with them, and Lavender is open to the idea. I also love the idea of what that could bring. I spent a long time thinking it through, and agonized over it, but decided I couldn't. I have local commitments to parents and I love my nesting partner, who is also my best friend, and moving for Coriander and the girls would lead to the loss of my long term nesting partner/spouse and ruptures with family and friends. I would lose the relationships who make me who I am, and who I am responsible for, outside of Coriander, Lavender, and the girls. I would also hurt people I love. I'm not sure that Coriander, Lavender, and the girls would be enough to help me heal the wounds leaving would cause in myself. This was heartbreaking to me, and for Coriander, as this meant the two of us won't develop our lives into everyday intimacy nor bring our own child together into the family.

And now Coriander wants to leave the country for, likely, Europe. While Coriander couldn't be near me before because of their relationships where they are, they now can drop everything, and move to a whole other part of the world where we will, at best, be occasional comets. All while asking that I leave my NP and family so I can go with them to this new life, and expressing hurt over my prior decision that I couldn't go locate with and live with them. I feel so much resentment over how hypocritical that seems, how lacking in perspective Coriander seems to be about his own actions and asks and also insensitivities. And every conversation now is about plans and prep for leaving, or about sadness over the implications for us because I decided to say no to the opportunity for us to be together.

I feel so deeply hurt and lost. It feels like Coriander and Lavender are being driven by fear, and leveraging that fear to drop their current lives for an exciting adventure that is just greener looking grass. I recognize there are valid differences in opinion , Coriander and Lavender may be right, and we may be on an inevitable slide to fascism and hate - but it feels like this move is uninformed and irrational. I feel upset that I can't have life with Coriander given this trajectory, despite working so hard to continually be supportive and be there for them, and to bring our lives closer together and our families closer together. To figure out ways we might have life together. Often while focusing on their needs and constraints. I've started thinking of the girls as my own, too, and feel like I am being separated without consideration from kids I've grown to love as an additional parent and part of their family. And it just feels like Coriander and Lavender have lost any sense of concern for the family and relationships I already have. While they recognize it is sad I would lose those relationships, there seems to be no sense of the gravity of an ask to leave them. Coriander is convinced that integrating into their family, and being with Coriander every day will fill my cup, and Lavender casually suggests I should just go with them in conversation.

I want to scream that the grass isn't necessarily greener, that some problems can't be fixed by place, and that roots and family are valuable and worthwhile. That they will probably be okay in the liberal city and state they are in. That we don't know enough yet to really know if this is a slide into fascism or into chauvinist anti-female intelligence hate culture. That our relationship is wonderful and beautiful and worthwhile even if we only have one out of five days together and don't be able to have kids of our own.

And I just want to cry and break down. I'm going between anger, distance and focusing on myself, and sadness, seperation anxiety, panic, and loss. Coriander is going through their own similar emotions over this, and shuts down, tells me they are unavailable to provide emotional support, and also is upset we aren't more connected.

I am so deeply frustrated, and upset, and I don't know what to do or what comes of this. I'm going to sit down with Coriander when in person again, and express my thoughts and opinions, and ask and make the case that they stay, or even move closer. But it just feels like they have foreclosed on the country, on us, and I am both at fault for not choosing to live our dreams with Coriander, and also, now that they are in a continuous state of disregulatuon given the election and my earlier decision not to move, a shiny bauble for emotional support and intimacy when things are good and just tossed aside and a scapegoat to blame when things are bad.

I am so lost in this, and don't want to lose Coriander. They are wonderful when regulating, and I've never felt so close to anyone else. They say they feel the same. And yet I'm about to lose them in my life due to what feels like sudden irrational madness that's driven a motivation to change in ways they've resisted and to reset everything. What can I do?

Update to my earlier post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/ugev3zG5Ph

My (52F) former primary (42M) broke up with the new woman (27F) after 6 weeks in a 24/7 D/s dynamic. He and I are having breakfast in the morning to talk more. He's learned some lessons. Still needs to learn more and focus on growing in poly.

I'm happy that she no longer has a say in my relationship because he made that choice. My heart is still in love with him, but due to very limited contact and no sex, no in person meets, I am no longer sad and grieving the loss of him. I continue to date, but my standards are higher now.

So many people on my previous post told me to throw the whole man away. I understand why, that's the way to make sure he can't hurt me again. While never seeing him again is certainly an option, I want to consider other options too.

Maybe we just become play partners, not primaries. Maybe we date and see. Take things slow. I believe he is genuine. He has apologized for how he handled things all wrong, has learned some, needs to learn more.

I want to just be myself and listen to my heart and my wisdom. What I don't want to do is punish him, nor do I want to try to make my love life hurt free. I will not tolerate repeatedly being hurt either. I just want to listen, watch, evaluate risk, evaluate his words and actions, then do the best I can.

Thank you for listening.

Yes, I did not listen to anyone because it was a new thing in my life that I was excited about. In December 2023 I graduated with my master’s. I was trying to transition into the work force. College grads will know that it is a difficult time since your major routine and schedule is lost. I met them on Feel’d back in February 2024. After talking with them for a few weeks they kept asking me to move in with them. I was anxious, but I finally gave in. I moved into their house in March. At first, it was exciting. We had ups and downs as roommates but the problems and lack of communication immediately became a major issue. Because we did not openly communicate the problems would always blow up. After each major fight, I always said I was going to move out. Somehow I ended up staying because they (mostly he) convinced me to. I cannot tell you how many times we have argued and made up. And then argued again. It was a vicious cycle.

Oh and she isn’t poly but he is. Apparently, she didn’t know he was that serious about dating more than one person. It’s got to the point where she is literally bullying me over everything. No matter how nice I am or the acts of services I try to do to show that I appreciate her she finds an issue with me. I am literally bending over backwards to please her. Deep down, I know she wants me to leave. Additionally, they lack communication between each other. Obviously, I didn’t know this when jumping into the relationship. I always found myself being the mediator trying to get them to communicate with each other. It was exhausting.

I have cried a lot these past few weeks. He said these were “growing pains”. I tried to believe in that statement and be optimistic but I feel different now. I realize I CANNOT grow into the person I want to be because they are always finding faults with me.

Not everything was bad. We had fun when we went out to events. We watched shows, played video games together. They let me borrow their car for work for a couple of months (I recently got my own car). They let me live in their house rent free, so that I could focus on some of my financial debt. In return, I helped clean the house and cooked dinner most nights. I am at least thankful for that kind of support—the kind of support you give to someone to get help them get off of their feet. But I can no longer handle living somewhere where I am emotionally and verbally bullied.

I really like him, but his fiancé does not want me in the picture, so I am making the difficult choice to move on. Plus, when she is mean to me he hardly sticks up for me. Often, he put her first and me second. They are getting married in May and I do not want to be there for when that happens.

Earlier today I cried a lot because I know things are coming to an end. I feel shitty (literally have been having diarrhea over this situation) but I want a clean slate before going into the new year. My therapist said I will know when it’s truly over because I will feel like shit. This is definitely the feeling she is talking about, lol. Currently spending the night at my mom’s place. She helped me figure out my monthly expenses since I am trying to find an apartment. I found a few near my work. My commute will be 10 minutes instead of 40 minutes.

I just wanted to make this post to vent and for anyone who might be in a similar situation. PLEASE trust your gut. If you know something doesn’t feel right listen to yourself the FIRST time. If your friends and family also notice red flags, do not ignore them.

Thanks for reading.

I just felt like hopping on and sharing some good vibes. Today I had a talk with my hinge about wanting to be closer, and needing more time with him. Him and meta agreed, so I got to spend the afternoon with them at their house. I had such a great time. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect evening. I never in my life thought I'd be this happy in a non monogamous relationship, but here I am. Feeling so loved and valued. I know I don't need outside validation, but having friends who do care and validate my feelings is amazing. I feel blessed. ❤❤❤

look, I don’t like preconditioned hierarchical relationships. and I don’t want a primary partnership. it just feels like shit to know the person you’re invested in is telling his other partners not to worry that you aren’t someone he could ever live with or want to be life partners with. but not outright telling you…