Welcome to /r/PolyFidelity!

So me (22f) and my partner (21f) want to look into finding a life partner in the future. Is there a healthy, ethical way to do this? We realistically are gonna use dating apps, but have found mixed messages on whether this is ethical or not. We want to all three be with each other equally, so instead of 2+1, 1+1+1. Any advice would be great

I come from a strictly monogamous background and happen to be dating two guys right now (separately) that expressed interest (also separately, unprompted) in closed ENM/poly. Based on their preferences, I think we would all be compatible but I'm not sure if they would get along as humans together, and I ideally would want them to also become really good friends. What's the typical MFM experience, and is it possible for the two men to become friends, sexually explorative but I guess not romantic? One is straight and one is heteroflexible. Thanks :))

I was the hinge in a triad (is that the right term?). They hadn’t met but both expressed that they were comfortable with that situation. They recently met and they hooked up. I was genuinely really happy that they got along so well. One of them started ignoring me though and the partner I’d been with the longest (3 years) stayed at her house for 4 days. Neither of them are replying and it feels like rejection on a whole new level. I don’t know what to do. I thought we were supposed to have honest communication and I expressed that I felt forgotten. This is a level of emotional pain that I never thought I could experience. Has anyone been through this?

Ok, so. Ive always bee pretty certain that im polyam, but because of a toxic relationship i wasnt able to live authentically (if you have questions please feel free to ask). Im now single and though im not in a rush, i feel i would be much happier if i was authentic and honest about myself and my desire to share my love. My question is, how do i start? I dont want to give ANYONE the impression that im a unicorn and i havent come across anyone in tucson (in person) who has that same desire. Theres also the fact that im autistic, neurologically disabled and into other alternative lifestyles. I think that about sums it up?

Found a post on Tumblr recently about Compersion and poly/CNM just thought it'd be of value potentially for the subreddit.

Here's the link

So, for the last three years I was in a poly triad. They (33m & 27m) are a married couple, and I (29m) joined their relationship. Things were actually really good until around August. I do want to add, that they led me to believe that we were a closed triad. But they moved in July, and quickly fell in love with another guy. They ignored my needs, I was willing to make things work with this other guy in the picture, but all I asked was that they slow things down with him till I could feel more secure. They didn't, and blatantly refused. I went to visit them at the end of September/Begining of October. I had planned to stay three weeks to try and fix the issues in the relationship, I left after one week and broke up with them. I'm really struggling with the fact that I was basically replaced, and that my needs didn't matter to them, even though I was willing to make it work. I do know that it was probably my mistake to assume that the relationship was closed, but that was also something they never discussed with me.

I am looking to open a checking account for the three of us; I didn't realize most banks cap at 2 people (joint ownership).

What are you using for a bank account for your polyam situation?

A bit more background - we are all in our 50's and 40's and operating as if we are in a forever relationships. 40+ years real time poly experience between us.

I(21NB) have 2 best friends, who I will call Ryan(23M) and Josie(22F). Josie and I have been friends since high school, and soon after she started dating Ryan. After Josie graduated from high school, we started to grow apart, but just at the start of this year we became really close again. I have always found her attractive, and even since high school we would jokingly flirt with each other. Her boyfriend, Ryan, and I only started getting close this year due to him playing a video game I really wanted to play, but didn’t have any friends who played it. So, he invited me to join his friends who all play it, and through that, we are now apart of the same friend group. Now, I go over to hang out with them at least once a week, even though they live an hour away from me, and we do everything together. With us constantly being together, I’ve grown really attached to them, and I slowly started to develop feelings for them. And throughout the past few months they have done things that make me feel as though they may like me as well. Some examples of why I feel this way:

1. There is a trend on TikTok where couples buy beads that look like their partner’s eye color and make a bracelet out of it. Ryan and Josie wanted to do this trend, but then wanted to include me in it, so we all have matching bracelets with all of our eye colors on it. And we all wear those bracelets whenever we go out.
2. Due to the matching bracelets and how often we are together, some of Ryan’s family members have asked him if he is dating both of us, which caused us to start joking about us having “poly allegations.”
3. Both of them are open to polyamory, they just haven’t found someone that they clicked with on that level. One day, Josie said that if they were to choose anyone to add to the relationship, it would be me.
4. When I joined Ryan’s friend group, all of them were very accepting of my pronouns (they/them). They sometimes slipped up, but I really appreciated them trying. Just recently I found out that Ryan would get mad at them if they misgendered me, which is why everyone got my pronouns down so quickly.
5. Ryan is kind of reserved and is not someone who likes people messing with his stuff. At a hangout with our friend group last month, he put his hat on my head, which is out of character for him. I asked him if he wanted it back multiple times, but he told me that I could keep wearing it.
6. The two of them threw a Halloween party last weekend, which is the night that made me this sure that they like me. First, they told everyone who was sleeping over that I get first pick of sleeping spots. And all throughout the party, they were telling their friends about the “poly allegations.” Later in the night, Josie and I were cuddling in their bed, just hanging out, and in my drunk confidence, I mentioned how I thought we should just make the allegations a reality. She agreed, so I said how we just needed to convince Ryan, to which she replied “trust me, he wouldn’t need much convincing.”

Now that last conversation is what really got to me, and now I can’t stop thinking about them. Does that mean that they’ve been discussing it? But I am just wondering why they haven’t brought anything up or asked me out. While I’ve kind of known Josie might feel the same way, it was Ryan that made me feel like it would never happen, but with that comment it seems like he may like me as well. But I don’t think I should be the one to bring it up, as it feels kind of like a 2v1. If I got it wrong and they don’t feel the same way, I could lose both of them, but if they asked me out and got it wrong, they would only lose me(even though I like them back, and even if I didn’t, I’m not one to cut someone off due to them having feelings for me). I just need advice and opinions, to make sure that I’m not over-analyzing this. Any comments would be appreciated.

Also, just to clarify, I don’t think they are unicorn hunting. This has been developing for the past year, and they know 100% that I am asexual, so it is not for sex. We genuinely get along so well.

Hey so.... I have gone through alot of change in my life, my current partner has as well... We have just started to look for other partners but am wondering how do we even approach it? We both want the same thing, another masculine figure, and another female partner, maybe even one more.

I feel like this subreddit knows a bunch of different recources that can help me and my girlfriend in treding the polyfidelity waters.

Oh and i should of pointed out, i dont feel like dating apps are catered towards anything truly romantic and long lasting so thats why I'm asking, is to find a recourse to connect with other individuals.

When you first get into any new lifestyle things are always confusing and a little scary. What are some things you wish someone told you, before you entered the lifestyle?

For context, I (22 NB) joined a triad (FFM) about just over 2 years ago, my first poly relationship. The past year, me and Lena (24 F) have been having a lot of issues, not just between us of course but a lot was between us. One of the biggest is that she wants a romantically open polycule (like secondary partners and all), while me and Via (24 F) want to keep it polyfidelious. It has caused a lot of friction among other things. Paul (23 M) doesn't really care either way.

Today, Lena decided that it was best for her and us if she left the quartet. Things still don't feel real. I want to cry but can't, I want her to stay but recognize this is probably best for all of us. I don't know what I need, I just feel so conflicted in every which way.

Originally posted to r/polyamory but it sorta seems like polyfidelity is a bit shamed there.

Just wanted to share a funny story.

On Friday we all went out dancing. Usually when I get ready with one of the girl I'm a little frisky, if you know what I mean. But now they wanted to be ready in time because there was going to be a dance demonstration they did not want to miss, so they send me to Alice's room to get ready and they got ready in Sophie's room.

After a night of dancing there is usually no sex or something, because we are all exhausted. So we make it a habit of all three of us sleeping in the same bed after a three-way dance date. (Sophie's has the big bed)
We have two bathrooms, I went and took a shower and when I came to the bedroom both girls were already in their PJ's in bed talking.
They were ready way too fast so I asked:
"Did you two shower together?"

This is the conversation they had in front of me:
A: (to me) Yep
S: Sssssh. You can't say that. You know he will be thinking about it and getting all horny.
A: But maybe I want him horny.
S: You two are not having sex in my bed.
A: I'm too lazy to move to my bed now.
S: Too bad.
A: (to me) No we did not shower together.

I felt like I was living in a sitcom.

It's going to be a long story + and English isn't my first language so im sorry in advance if I made some mistakes but I really need to share this with fellow poly ppl cause i dunno i need to vent.

First- about me- I'm 19y.o, poly since 2022 and im going to describe my 1st poly relationship. (Other partners in similar age as me)

I met this person in 2023, lets call them Sue. We soon started dating. We had many things in common, and understood eachother well. We never really defined ourselves but we both call ourselves partners. We never talked about living together. Couple of months later a new person comes in. Jay. We both met them at the same time. We all become friends and had the same friend group we usually hung up with.

Jay had a mono partner at the time but after some time they broke up bc Jay realised they're poly and in love with Sue. In the beginning of 2024 they made it official. I was happy for them, things were okay. In march me and Jay started to text more. They flirted with me and i developed a crush on them. We soon started dating. Sue knew about us dating and everything was okay. Unfortunately both me and Jay rushed things a bit, after 2 weeks of dating we were officialy together. Sue didn't like it (bc of rushing things), now I know I made a mistake but it can't be undone. We all were together and everything was great once again. We all were very happy. Jay and me often texted, met, and when we couldn't we would spent time online. I felt so loved and they told me they did too.

Things started to get messy in may. In may i discovered that Sue and Jay want to live together. I didn't know about that and it felt like they have forgotten about me. They told me they planned that even before the dating and supposedly told me about it. I don't recall that, I don't remember them ever telling me about it nor in a conversation nor via text. Maybe if my relationship with Jay wasn't so rushed I would know, but as I said- things can't be undone. I told them I need to think this situation through and our relationship was silent for a week. I talked about this situation with my therapist. After that week we met to have a serious conversation at Jay's place. I said that I thought that after some time we all would live together (not now but like after a year or something) they told me that it's unrealistic (I still don't understand why?? I know poly couples that live together, and I have friends that are not in relationship but live together, 3 people in 1 apartment). I also said that I feel like their relationship is more important to them (which would be okay IF I KNEW THAT BEFOREHAND, they never told me about that) I never wanted hierarchy in a relationship and they said that living together and excluding me isn't a hierarchy. But for me it was. I didn't know how to feel or what to do about them living together. Eventually i accepted it.

I felt bad that I compared my relationship with Jay with theirs but how was i supposed not to when my needs where unmet so many times?? I wanted things to be fair. I know that every person has their own needs and relationships vary, i know this wont be equal but I felt like my needs were not important at all.

My relationship with Sue was great but Jay.... well, my problem with Jay was that we didn't spent as much quality time together as I needed. They texted me less and less frequently. When we met as i said it was for 1 night max (and still it was very rare). Still when Jay had free apartment for a longer periods of time they always invited Sue. They didn't divide this time between us. No, all the time was for Sue. Jay and Sue used to hang together for weeks and Jay never had time for me. The conversation in may ended, we were still together but Jay promised that they would speed more time with me.

Time showed that Jay didn't. In June i was in hospital. It was serious. I had an operation that was supposed to be easy but afterwards I had sepsis, and then second operation. I was in hospital for more 2 weeks. Jay at first was texting me. Then both of my partners visited me (however it was Sue's initiative) and then couple of days later Jay ghosted and ignored me for a week. I went home eventually but the situation with Jay was really dissapointing for me. They always told me that I can count on them and they are here for me no matter what, but when I in a life threating state they weren't. Sue told me that after they both visited me Jay cried and was worried for me. They still ignored me later tho??

Eventually me and Jay met and i told them how that situation made me feel. They apologised for that. Jay told me they were busy with packing things and cleaning (their family was moving out at the time) I somehow thought that now they will be for me. Well...

After that our relationship was on a even bigger downfall. We still met once in a month for 1 night max. My every effort to meet and talk more ended on nothing. Spending time toghether online too. However them and Sue still met for longer periods of time and were talking almost every day. Jay rarely responded to my text on how was my day or me asking on how they are. I was always the one who called them. And when we finally got to talk things seemed normal. They always told me that they love and care about me. I was in a cognitive dissonance bc when we met or talked (rarely) everything was great and sweet. They showed me affection and flirted with me but it wouldn't happen if I wouldn't make an initiative. I needed more, my love language isn't words of affection, i needed that quality time but my every attempt to spend it never changed anything. I begun to question our relationship.

In september I wanted to meet with Jay. We finally planned a date and I was really excited. I wanted to fix things. We were supposed to had a picnic. I baked some things and I had gifts for them. First they told me they won't have much time and we'll meet for only a couple of hours. Then they cancelled it last minute. Jay didn't apologised and only texted me that they are having though time mentally. I told them that I understand and that I'm here for them, but they didn't respond.

Throughout our relationship Jay was keeping their problems to themselves. When they did tell me something- I was for them, doing everything in my power to support them. Meanwhile I met with Sue i told them im worried about Jay and I asked if they knew how Jay is doing. Sue was suprised. Them and Jay texted as usual. Sue told me that Jay indeed is depressed but it was not because of me. It seemed like for some reason Jay tells Sue about their problems but not to me.

Immediately after meeting with Sue Jay texted me (after ignoring me for a week + bc Sue texted Jay that they should text me) that they want to talk with me. We settled up a meeting, but once again it.didn't.happen :))) Still, I really needed to have a conversation irl with them so i proposed another date.

Jay said that tomorrow they are going on a week long trip with Sue but they will still try their best to meet with me,,. So meeting with me was so hard to schedule but scheduling a trip with Sue wasn't??? To my suprise we finally met couple of hours before their trip.

I told them im tired of begging them to spend time with me. They told me that when they will have a college schedule they will assign a day especially for us to meet. I said I don't belive that after all of this months of meeting rarely. I asked them why they ignored me while texting Sue normally. Jay said that they felt that they didn't need my support. I asked them what needs of theirs I fulfill (day before i met with my therapist and talked about that) they laughed at me and told me that they don't know and they just love me.

We both agreed that our decision on being together was rushed but we don't regret the relationship. I cried during that whole conversation and Jay was mosty calm. They said that they knew that our relationship would end sooner or later.

I broke up with them, on good terms. We hugged couple of times and decided that we still want to be friends but I need some time off them first. Immediately after the break up I felt so much lighter. I felt like I finally standed up for myself.

Now more than a month has passed. I feel, well, like shit. Sometimes better, sometimes worse but i still think about Jay and why they suddenly lost interest in me. I can't warp my head around why they suddenly changed so much? I know that beggining of a relationship can be intense, but I didn't thought that once loving and supportive partner would start to ignore me on a daily basis.

About Sue. The break up with Jay made things akward for me. I still love Sue but when Jay is mentioned im jealous of their relationship. Because of all of this I start to look at myself, if I did something wrong, but i cant think of anything (besides the rushed beggining). I also talked about that with my therapist and she told me that it's not my fault and sometimes relationship don't work out. Still, it's hard to accept for me.

The worst part is that I feel like I can't talk with Sue about how I feel about Jay. When Sue told me that Jay is not ignoring them they also told me that they can't advise me on my relationship with them. Cause Sue have both perspectives and even though so many things Jay did wrong Sue still belives that they're a good person. I understand that. It's just hard that I can't talk about my worries with my partner. I can't tell them that I feel hurt by Jay. That when I look at things that they left at my place I feel a sudden wave of sadness and anger. I know they still plan on living together and also they plan on getting married.

I feel like im pressured to be friends with Jay asap, otherwise I'll loose many friends I share with them.

Im writing this cause I wanted to ask about couple of things:

1. what do you think about this? I need some perspective from other poly people cause I feel like im going insane.
2. do you talk about your partners wrongs to your other partners?
3. what would you do in my place?

Also I know it's only my perspective and because of that it may be had for you to judge objectively.

Thank you so much for reading all of this, I really appreciate it. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

So I, 20, have felt really alone in my relationship for a few months now and it’s nothing bad that my boyfriend, 25, is doing, he just has a lot going on. So a few nights ago we discussed possibly trying to find a connection with someone else and form a whole new relationship with them in it(if any of my rambling makes sense). But we are unsure of what that all intel’s and would love to get some advice and tips before we jump head in.

I’ve always been ambiamory(both poly and mono) but this is completely new to him and I don’t want to push him away with it so ofc if we think it’s a bad idea we will not go through with it.

Asking for advice from my more experienced poly triad or just people who have been in relationships longer. What is the difference between someone you enjoy sharing your life with and someone you love or have love for? I’m finding things about myself that I want in my triad and how my needs aren’t really being met in terms of intimacy. The lack of intimacy is causing me to think about all the little things that I thought didn’t bother me, come to the surface and give me saddening thoughts. Normally I would deal with this sort of mental depression by doing things a love, exercise, talk to my triad about it (normally solves the problem) or just figure out why it’s making me feel such a way. But it’s sometimes becoming exhausting, having to juggle two other people’s wellbeing and needs over my own often leaves me resentful because I feel like I’m being selfish. I’m wondering if this how triads normally function and where does the line become clear when you’re in a relationship with someone you love or just living with a roommate you deeply care about?

For more context my triad is me (34m) boyfriends (33m,37m) who have been married for 7 years but been together for 12.

I (34F) have been dating my gf (42F) for a little over 4 months. Prior to starting a romantic relationship she and I were best friends.

Over the last 5 years she’s had an on again, off again relationship with a man who I think is manipulative, degrading and just generally awful to her. As her friend, I watched her get hurt over and over again by this guy.

She broke things off with him for good back in May after finding out he’d been lying and cheating on her nearly the entire time they were together. In June, she and I both kind of came to the realization that we had feelings for each other beyond our friendship. We had been flirtatious and both wondering if something was happening between us for a few weeks. I was apprehensive and shared this with her at the beginning, because she was fresh out of this breakup, that I was concerned about jumping into something because she needed to heal. In hindsight, I know I should’ve taken this more seriously and not allowed myself to start a relationship until she was ready, or at least on her healing journey. Anyway, we threw caution to the wind, ended up falling HARD in the first 3 weeks and it felt like everything was just falling into place.

Flash forward to last week…she needed to go to his house to pick up some things and felt like this would help her get some kind of closure. It was really hard on me, but it felt like something she really felt was necessary and I don’t want her to ever feel like I’m holding her back. Imagine this…she didn’t get any closure.

Coming up this weekend is their anniversary and she’s decided she’s going to “hide out” and not talk to anyone. I’m having a really hard time with this because the logical part of me knows she’s still healing, things are fresh and I can only imagine how she’s still hurting and experiencing all kinds of emotions.

I love this girl so much. Minus this ex situation this relationship is everything I’ve ever wanted.

I guess I’m just predominantly feeling like I’m just not good enough. Sometimes it really feels like I’m a rebound situation…but a situation I put myself in. I think I’ve been really good to her, I’ve tried to be understanding and put her feelings above mine, but it’s really starting to wear on me and I’m not sure where to go from here.

TL;DR: my best friend turned girlfriend is still getting over her ex and it makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

Gonna be a long story, have no one to talk to anymore and need to get it off my chest.

I (25 M) have been married to my wife (25 F) for 4 years and been together for 10. We met in high school and we are all we've ever known. I loved her more than anything. We've always been curious about ourselves and sexuality. We've talked for years and years of meeting other people, whether that be a guy, a girl or a couple or whatever. We were pretty much down for anything. Had one fling with another woman with her and it was fun. We all communicated well and had a fun night but decided not to continue.

Then we meet the other couple in our story, been co workers and friends with them for four years and after they heard we opened up the relationship, they expressed interest. She (21 F) and her boyfriend (21 M) came over and, again, had a very fun night with good communication. I can't remember who said it specifically but we were all interested in going again. And again. We eventually turn this into a relationship between the four of us and that's when everything starts going downhill.

I've always been aware I've been capable of loving more than one person, it doesn't feel any different than loving your more than one sibling or both parents. I don't understand why this kind of love can't be shared. Well I must've been sharing it differently to them than I was with my wife.

Daisy is what we'll call her, the female in the other relationship was very handsy and her love language was touch. I could tell that right away. My love language was also touch so we got too close a few times. The worst time was when she gave me a hand job in the house and we stupidly kept it from everyone else. Trevor is what we'll call him was extremely jealous and should've called it quits to begin with. He got jealous of me being around Daisy and sometimes felt like hed get jealous of me being around my wife. But he was the first one to tell us he loved us. I believed him and really thought I did too. He talked about growing old and living together. My wife eventually got cold to everyone. She stopped messaged them and everyone stopped talking. They went to a different job and the relationship "fizzled" out. I never lost feelings for the other two but my wife tells me she's not poly and she doesn't like these two anymore after, I dont know what. I'm conflicted. I don't know what to do and I go along with my wife that I've known for a long time.

The other two leave our life for a month and I'm stuck in a state filled with anxiety and the constant thought of the other two, even though my wife is sitting right across from me. I realized that I was loved in a way I've never felt. Possibly, a way ive never felt my wife give me. I end up admitting to her that I think I'm poly, I'm capable of loving more than one person and that I still had feelings for the other couple. This ends very poorly. A very bad fight where I feel like the shittiest person alive. The other couple now wants nothing to do with me, they blocked me on everything after i admitted my feelings. I never wanted to lose everybody.I didn't want to hurt my wife and I didn't want to have the feelings I have. I felt love to two people who told me they loved me and now have kicked me out of their life. I don't know if things between my wife and I will ever be okay and I will never be sure of these feelings I have. I am now starting over and feel like I want to explore myself. To really know what I am. I dont know if I should fix things with my wife, pursue the two people who opened my eyes or just learn who I am after this long. Idk, sorry this story was jumbled up mess and I'll try to answer questions if anyone has any.

TLDR: I fucked up my life and am now alone after having everything.