Looking for some advice as I'm new to ENM relationships. Any feedback would be appreciated!

My partner Lindsey and I have been in an ethical non-monogamous relationship for about a year now, but we’ve been together for almost 10 years in a monogamous relationship. We are such good friends and love each other and have so much fun together. However, our sex life has always been a little off; she has had some trauma in her past and can be uncomfortable during sex even though she enjoys it. She needs a lot of build-up and for there to be no distractions, which is relatively normal, but has been a learning process. 

I have not felt fulfilled by our sex life for most of the time we’ve been dating, but I am realizing that I hinge a lot of my self-worth on whether I’m having consistent sex or am feeling “wanted” sexually. For that reason, I think I’ve put some stress on Lindsey over the years to meet my needs for sex, which is about 1-2 times per week. I’ve always struggled with how to ask for sex or how to gauge if she’s in the mood. Sometimes she says to be direct and just ask, sometimes she wants me to start rubbing on her, sometimes bringing it up at all is pressure. I’m very in my head about asking now and I psych myself out all the time. 

Lindsey had originally brought up the ENM idea to, since she’s bi, have a female partner she could be intimate with. We worked through a lot in her first relationship with a woman; learned a lot about jealousy, the importance of boundaries, etc. That relationship ended and then about 5 months ago she asked me what I thought about the idea of her starting a sexual relationship with one of our mutual male friends James. I was apprehensive but ultimately decided that gender shouldn’t matter and that as long as I could tell her when I was uncomfortable and we decided on boundaries, we’d try it out. 

It was good at first, especially because she’d bring her newly found sexual energy home to me and she seemed happy. She said it was important for her to do because she’s had casual encounters in her past that have been either uncomfortable or traumatic, and this was something she wanted to explore after going through therapy for a few years. 

Through the past year, I have not been with anyone else. I have kissed a few women at bars, I have a Feeld account, but I don’t want to add the weight of another whole human relationship in my life right now. I’m becoming more open to it lately because I’ve been feeling a lot of loneliness being in a relationship that is not sexually fulfilling while she seems to be getting what she wants. I’ve been generally content to keep a relationship open with Lindsey assuming I feel a balanced level of sexual fulfillment and intimacy. But the last 5 months, we have been struggling sexually more than usual and I’ve been feeling a lot of resentment, a lot of mixed feelings. 

We’ve had lots of conversations, but a lot of it boils down to: she feels pressured to make sex a priority with us, she doesn’t feel like she can get in the mood at home often, she says that she used to be excited to have sex with me when we didn’t live together and had time to be apart. She has told me that sometimes she feels a “best friend” relationship with me and that she wants to keep living together and loves me but feels she may have lost the passionate romantic spark for us. When we do have sex, I don’t often feel connected; it’s often quick, and sometimes she wants to face the other way, she doesn’t seem comfortable.

All of the intimacy and sexual fulfillment issues are workable through couples therapy, which we’re in now, but it all feels so much worse because she’s still dating James. It’s really difficult for me to not think that she is choosing to be intimate with him over me. I know she loves me and cares for me and doesn’t want to stop dating me, but I am going through a lot of sadness and resentment because we rarely ever have sex, and sometimes she goes over to James’ house 1 or 2 times per week. Meanwhile, we have sex maybe every 3 weeks and it’s a toss-up if it’s a good experience since it still feels forced a lot of the time. Plus, with James in the picture, I need more reassurance and communication which stresses her out even more meaning she’s even less in the mood to be intimate. 

I want to stay with her, but I need to have a partner who is sexually attracted to me and wants to have sex even just once per week. I miss having a sexual connection and I feel bad for whatever caused this dynamic we have where Lindsey feels pressured to have sex with me. We’ve talked about all of this, but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I want to know if it's worth trying to maintain our relationship.

My wife and I (45m) are really new to this and only opened up this summer. When we did I thought this would be strictly finding FWB and nothing serious. I haven’t had any issues meeting people since we stared always had a lot of dates. At first I had a few hookups but no one I really clicked with. Until I met my current GF and it has been a super intense few months. We talk all the time and have fallen in love fast. I read all about NRE and it’s normal but how do you know if it’s not just NRE? What if you found the person you are just better with in every aspect of life. I’m so new to all this and it has been a crazy couple of months.

So we've tried to use this app, I get messages and can have a conversation with someone that's nowhere near me but with probably 25 matches with local people can't get a single answer. Odds are that allll the people we match with don't send a message or answer mine. Does it hide the messages?

Hi everyone! This is a bit hard for me to write, but I’ve been feeling pretty lost lately and need some advice from people who might understand where i’m coming from.

Me (22NB) and my partner (22M) have been together for almost 3 years now and he’s wonderful. He’s very caring and considerate and we have a pretty strong emotional connection. That being said, over the past few months, I’ve started to think i may be polyamorous.

Its not that I love my partner any less or that i’m trying to replace him, i don’t find that my ability to emotionally (or possibly romantically) connect with others diminishes how much I love and care about him at all. I just feel like I have so much love to give and that being with one partner romantically limits me. I don’t like the societal expectations around monogamy and find it suffocating. I feel like I should be able to love whoever I want openly and freely.

However, he is monogamous. We’ve only ever talked about non-monogamy once when i expressed to him that i was exploring my feeling around non-monogamy and polyamory. He was very against it, which i respect.

I don’t want to pressure him into anything he doesn’t want, but at the same time i feel trapped and slightly unsatisfied because i feel like i’m holding myself back from something important to me.

I love him and don’t want to lose him, but I feel that denying this part of myself will lead resentment or that i’ll end up breaking myself and making myself unhappy just from fear of losing him.

How should I approach this conversation without making him feel like he isnt enough? Is it selfish if me to even bring this up knowing he is monogamous?

Any advice, experiences, or resources would mean a lot to me right now! Thank you for taking the time to read this <3

I tried to post in other places but got auto flagged as promoting unicorn hunting I’m absolutely not I just need advice on explaining why I don’t want to to my long term partner.

My husband (33m) and I (29f) have been together for 8 years married for 2 no kids and we were in a closed throuple with another woman who we loved dearly for the last 3 years.

We worked pretty well but ultimately broke up over issues with dishonesty from our 3rd partner about her relationship with her monogamous baby’s father, and her gaslighting and leading us on. Messy; but we didn’t break up for typical throuple reasons.

This triad happened naturally as she was an old high school friend of my husband’s and the connection was great between her and I as well. And we were poly dating separate for a year prior.

This 3 year relationship ended less than an month ago. We both liked being in a throuple. Loved it in fact, and in the future would be willing to try again. Here’s the problem he wants to start dating again immediately and he wants to date together this time, and make sure the woman doesn’t have any other romantic ties.

He claims to have been mentally checked out for the last year from our ex and that’s why he’s ready to move on so fast, even though they talked daily, and he brings her up sometimes multiple times a day.

I’d love to be a throuple and date with him again but I want to wait a couple months and make sure I’m not just replacing her. I loved her and miss her even though I don’t want a romantic relationship anymore.

I also feel creepy dating as a couple for things besides hookups it seems like a lot of pressure to the new person to like us both plus we’ve been together and committed for almost a decade I don’t want them to feel like it’s a hierarchy

I’m bi with a preference towards cis women, he’s straight. So that puts us in the category of unicorn hunting, married couple, looking for single bisexual woman with no other relationships, and with the goal of permanent modified monogamy which I’m not against that dynamic but requiring it….

Im also I’m trying to get him to understand that we are walking red flags.

He doesn’t want to date alone like I said he could and he doesn’t want me to. Yet he acts like I’m the one holding up our future or wasting time by not moving with purpose and intention and waiting to try a throuple again since we both want it.

I’d rather IF we end up in another throuple it be organically forming like the last and not to search as I’m fine as a couple.

He wants to prowl dating sites, clubs and cruises as a couple for the perfect woman replacement 2weeks after getting out of a long term relationship and acts like im holding us back by not being willing to jump back in and in this way.

Am I missing something? I don’t understand his pov and I’m not sure how to navigate this. We’re arguing about it. any opinions and advice would be appreciated.

TLDR: my husband wants to re enter poly dating as a modified monogamous unicorn hunting couple 3 weeks after the breakup from a 3 year throuple.

I want to wait a few months to date, maybe separately and let it happen organically without the pressure to become a closed throuple. Even though I’d like to be in one again

He sees this as not moving with purpose and intention. I don’t see the rush or importance and feels ethically wrong

I don't have notifications on because I get too many likes. So I'd at least like to know if I get a new message. But my Feeld permanently shows a red dot on the messages tab and I don't know how to clear it. Any tips?

Hi, I posted here a couple weeks ago after lurking, exploring, and developing questions and ideas. The last post was helpful, and now I’m on the “next steps”.

So, I talked with my husband about why opening up is so difficult for me and he has acknowledge and taken responsibility for his selfish and unethical actions in regarding the trip he took and he knows that he has started the conversation of opening up on the wrong foot, as he did it with breaking trust with me.

It was a good conversation. Incredibly difficult and lots of tears, but good.

I think, before I’m ready to even entertain opening up (which I’m open to the idea of it, it’s not a hard no but I have a lot of personal shit to work through and we have stuff together to work through and he has shit to work through), I need him to rebuild trust with me.

How have y’all, in your relationships, had partners rebuild trust through actions? Do I need to figure out what I need so I can communicate this is how he can rebuild trust before we continue?

Thanks y’all!

Post-script - I’m intrigued by the idea of opening up and, I think as I work through my anxious attachment style to develop a secure one, I could enjoy it. I just want to make sure I’m doing it because I want it also, and not because I feel pressured.

Two years ago, I (35f) had just gotten out of a really bad 4 years mono relationship, the last 2 of those years with had no physical contact, and a lot happened in it, but my main take away from it (and from the other 7 mid to long term relationships Ive had in my life) has been that perhaps I'm not cutout to be monogamic. I decided to date a lot of people to really find out what I like or not and to try and break my patterns of how and why I got into relationships in the past. Which I've been realizing its because I get lonely and want a boyfriend, so I settle for those who give me more attention and are nice enough. Im a very sexual person, so I get bored of the same easily and I resent being limited, also socially. I don't like this normative thing of when you get a partner and suddenly become one person. So I went into the single life with the goal of not being exclusive anymore and being more independent. What I found on dating apps, which was not that common 4, 5 years ago, was the amount of people (specially men) in open relationships. I matched with a bunch of them without knowing exactly what I was getting into, and being the curious inquisitive person I am, I asked a bunch of questions to know how those relationships really are like from people on the inside. Like why did they open? when? who brought it up? how it has been? and which rules they have agreed between the parties involved. Now that I think of it, a big one I failed to question was: how far are you willing/allowed to go with the people you date? But again, I didn't know much about any of this.

So, I have been dating this guy (30m) for a year now. He is in a relationship for 10 years now, and for the last 3 years they opened it. Very early on we connected a lot, not only sexually, although it's always very intense with us, but we always talked a lot, about everything, including our dates with other people, his relationship (that always got me a bit nervous as I still don't know how to navigate when he tells me not so good things about her, his girlfriend (27f) has depression and big self esteem issues), usual life stuff, anyway, yada yada, we get along great. After about 4 months dating on average one to two times a month (I say on avarage because some months we met 3 or 4 times, and some just one or none, depending on our schedules), I felt like we became really close, as we started messaging almost every day and I felt like I was getting a crush but I also felt it was very mutual. I told him that at the time and he cooled it a bit on messaging and complimenting me so much.

A few months after that we had a date planned, but we had to cancel it because he got corona, so we rescheduled it, when he felt better, to what I thought it was his next available free weekend. But on the Sunday before the weekend we set our date I asked him what he had been to Friday and Saturday, as we didn't message those days and he told me he had a date Friday (that was already scheduled for a while), and another spontaneous date on Saturday with someone he met while walking a dog. That made me really jealous.

I'm not usually that much of a jealous person, in fact for a while in my life I dispised jealousy and jealous people after having two abusive relationships that revolved around my exs being very jealous. I did a lot of work on myself lately and I think I'm fine with admitting I'm jealous sometimes and to figure it our what it means and work on it. But that instance made me feel really hurt that he chose to be with a stranger he met on the street while I had been waiting to see him for close to 5 weeks now. I think that was the moment my feelings started growing more intensily. We talked a lot about it and he reassured me and I was mostly ok with it, although I couldn't really deal with listening about him and that person easily.

Anyway, after that episode we kept going very well with the flow, discovering new things we liked sexually together, and we even had a couple of threesomed with another date (33f) of his, im currently also dating her separately.

Ok, enough context, now getting to the issue: last weekend we had an overnight date set up for Saturday night, he was supposed to arrived at my house around 5 pm, but very close to that time I got a message from him saying he was downstairs on his car on a call. When he came up, like half an hour later, he told me he was on the phone with his girlfriend, and that she had a first date the same night, but the guy not only cancelled, but this was already a reschedule cause he cancelled before last week and he didn't seem very interested. I should have know something was coming, but I forgot about it, we went to dinner, got back, took a shower and went to bed around 1am. Then his phone rang. They talked for less than a minute. He hung up, turned around and told me "she's not feeling good about this, she asked me to leave. And I want to do this. How do you feel?" I got really angry and said "this is not ok", he said "do you want to talk about it?", but I said no. He also tried to tell me she said she was sorry, but I told him that didn't mean anything to me and got up and started putting my clothes on and picking up his things. (I know it wasn't the best reaction, and I regret it, but I was really pissed).

Well, he went home and I was alone crying. 40 minutes after he left he sent me an audio message saying he talked to her for that time and she asked him to tell me she was really sorry and that they would talk more and try and come up with ways for her to deal with her feelings without having to ask him to leave. maybe talking to a friend or someone else, because he told her he didn't like what happened.

The next day I woke up feeling disposable. I spent the whole day feeling like shit. At night he wrote me something like "hope you had a nice day :) tell me if you like to talk" and I got mad all over again by this his casual tone like nothing much happened and wrote some mean things. Mainly about how I felt like my feelings weren't taken in consideration at all at any point. He wrote me back the following messages: "I thought about how to make it less hurtful which you blocked. That is absolutely fine. I just don't take responsibility for you not feeling seen. Your feelings matter in this. But there was no change in the course of action. What was it that you would have liked to be different?"

I replied saying that it clearly what I wanted didn't matter, so why bother?

Then he wrote this: "You are right. There would have been no alternative to me leaving. That I can't and don't want to give you. The only thing I could offer is a change in my behavior before I go. I think finding a way for this to be less hurtful would be worth bothering."

I replied that wasn't fair.

He replied with what felt like a slap in my face: " You can say that this is not fair.

In this constellation she is the person who is enabling for us to meet. Her word and feelings to have an unequal relation to yours. I can understand if this does not feel good. I'm sorry if I didn't communicate this enough beforehand."

After that he called me and we talked for 2h. He did try to talk it through with me, but I was so hurt that I know it wasn't the most constructive talk. In those messages he asked me and told me we could find a way for things to be less hurtful, but I didn't think there was any effort into fixing that, also I really don't know what would help. He also told me she and him talked about other solutions, like maybe he wouldn't sleep over anymore, or have fixed times for coming and leaving, but he said he doesn't like those options as they would limit him.

At some point in the conversation I told him I was feeling still a lot like my feelings didn't matter and that specially now with what I felt like were brutally cold messages. I told him I knew I didn't imagine our closeness and intimacy in my head alone, I know it's mutual, but that now, and I didn't do anything wrong at all, I'm being given the cold shoulders and my only options in all of this are either take it and feel like shit or leave it (and also feel like shit right? cause who likes breakups?). I told him that as my feelings grew and were corresponded, I had some hope that maybe we could be something more, not now or soon, but maybe. And now I was feeling like that door has been shut in my face and there's nothing I can do about it.

He told me I was not imagining it, that his feelings did get more intense also, but that he has this relationship dynamics with her and he is not willing to have anything else be anything more.

I now feel like this was all so rough on me, I didn't feel a lot of effort to comfort me or care about my feelings and I don't know if or how to get over it, as I don't want to stop seeing him, but how to go on like this?

As for him, he has been treating me normally, texting almost everyday, asking me how I am and how I feel, or how do I wanna go about this. (almost as if nothing happen or nothing that big happened, which also bothers me) And I've just been cold, distant and a bit passive aggressive, which I know doesn't help.

I don't know what to do, I just feel powerless.

Please be gentle with me.

I’ve never been involved with someone in an ENM relationship. I met this guy while he was single, we stopped talking a little bit ago for personal reasons and recently reconnected. He let me know he’s gotten into an ENM relationship and while it was an initial shock to me I realized it didn’t really change much for me bc things between us were always only going to be casual and if anything this had the added benefit of being more clear and knowing that neither of us would have a conscious or subconscious desire to move towards a relationship. I have a tendency to over intellectualize my emotions rather than actually feeling them so I’m genuinely unsure of how I feel about this situation. I rarely like anyone enough to go past a first date which is especially frustrating since I’m not looking for a relationship or a perfect partner, just some genuine human connection and sex. Even though that’s all I want I can’t help but think that I’m settling for less even though it would be cruel to be with someone who wanted more from me than I could give them. Or that I’ll never be good enough to be someone’s first priority even though again I don’t want that - or at least I do deep down, just not right now and not with this person either. I think I’ve done really well at enjoying our time together without getting too attached like I normally do but I just wanted some advice on how to deal with these thoughts. I know part of it is definitely self esteem/self worth related which I’m working on. But is this an indication that continuing to see him would be bad for me mentally or should I try to work out my issues and enjoy this for now? I’m moving in May so this won’t be long term and like I said I rarely like anyone and haven’t had sex at all since January so it’s nice to have sort of a friends with benefits situation all around. I think what makes it worse is that when we first started seeing each other he was super flaky and inconsistent which made me feel like shit but I think he’s sorted out his life a little more and hasn’t been like that lately but I still remember how it made me feel. I have a history of accepting disrespect and I’m trying to work on it and I can’t tell if I’m respecting myself and my emotions and my body in this moment. I can’t tell if I’m actually okay with this or if I’m pushing my emotions aside like I usually do. But again this is sort of the perfect situation bc this is someone I do have a lot of trust in and I think actually cares about me as a person and I’m worried that maybe I’m self sabotaging.

Hi every one, So i need some advice on this issue I've been having you see I'm kinda in a poly relationship with my girlfriend who also happens to have a boyfriend that lives with her. I'm more active online with her like we'll video call alot and message on discord alot and she even sends me spicy pics and videos. Anyway I've been financially supporting her with what ever I can cause sometimes even though her boyfriend works they still have a hard time making rent and paying their utility bills so I pay her electric, and internet/cable bill every month for her, heck I'll even send her money to just spend on her self or send money for groceries but I want it to made very clear that she has never once asked for money I just do it cause I like taking care of her and there's been times where I've actually gone to bed hungry cause of it, plus I give her emotional support whenever she needs it shoot I've even taken time away from my work cause she's upset and needs to be talked down (it's her boyfriends most of the time) and she want s me to move states to be with her but for some reason she hasn't told him about me and her being in a relationship (he only thinks we are still very good friends) now this is where it gets complicated. You see every time I bring up to her to talk to him about it she's very hesitant, then ther were the last 4 days that she's basically spent a grand total of 10 minutes texting and a very short vid call cause the boyfriend was at home (she only vid calls when he's not around) any this left me feeling very ignored and feeling very depressed the last four days. So what do you think of this situation I want only truthful answers plz.

I (F28) have been in an open relationship with my partner (M30) for six months. He has another long-term partner (F32) of around six years, and they live together. I'd characterise their relationship as 'primary' as they have been together a long time and live together, and I'm comfortable with their primacy as I still feel like I'm getting my needs met by my partner. I'm also new-ish to ENM – this is my first open relationship, although I have been casually dating people over the past few years, sometimes concurrently, and trying to do that in an open and ethical way.

Their open relationship is strictly DADT, which is my meta's boundary and preference. My partner would prefer a more KTP-style arrangement, and that's what we've been trying to work towards with our connection, with mixed success. Being new(er) to it all, I see KTP as aspirational and preferable long-term, and I'm comfortable with being brave and having that dynamic from the outset, obviously appreciating that it introduces some emotional challenges and carries a degree of risk around feelings of insecurity, jealousy, etc.

My issue is that it feels sometimes as if my partner and I are caught somewhere between both that KTP aspiration and the DADT-style agreement he has with his other partner. Some examples of this would be:

• Whenever I have been on dates with other guys, my partner has flipped between being open to knowing about them and even asking for details about how they've gone, and not wanting to hear about them at all. I can tell he's been upset on a few of these occasions, especially if I've slept with the guy I've been on the date with, which then makes me more hesitant to be up front about going on future dates because I don't like him being upset. He has then said that it makes him feel like I'm lying or hiding things, which I suppose I am, but I feel like it's because I'm not always clear on what he wants to be communicated and how.

• I try not to pry too much into his other relationship, mostly on the understanding that my meta would prefer to just not even know that I exist (I don't know if she has been told anything, and I don't mind too much either way as that's between them). However, it does then feel a bit like I'm being expected to share everything (in very specific ways) while not necessarily being given the same courtesy back. They went away for the weekend a few weeks back, which I only found out about while he was actively on the trip, and I feel as if had I done this he would be upset.

• We have discussed group activity, mostly the idea of both MMF and MFF threesomes with the two of us plus another person. I also know that group activity is something he and his other partner have engaged in, however when I made a joke one time about attending my best friend's Halloween party and "crossing my fingers it might turn into a sex party" (it did not) he got put out and told me that he'd prefer not to have those thoughts in his mind.

I suppose my question is – is this type of thing a common problem to encounter when navigating open relationships? From my perspective, it feels like there's some inconsistency in terms of expectations, and I don't know how best to address that. It sometimes feels like I'm playing a game where the rules haven't been fully explained to me, and I'm not sure if that's just par for the course or an issue I should be raising. I'm also trying not to project blame onto either my partner or my meta, but in my less charitable moments I have grown frustrated at the fact that it can feel like she's this lingering presence in our relationship despite never wanting anything to do with me, and that her boundaries are inadvertently (and largely unconsciously) setting the tone for how my oartner and I operate. I'm prepared to concede that that last point is quite unfair!

Anyone have any hard-won insights to share that might help me out here? Is it just a mindset thing that I can largely solve by myself? I love my partner and want to do this the right way for all of us.

Hi there!! I'm sort of struggling with something right now, for previous context, I have been in a monogamous relationship with my (f21) girlfriend (f22) for 3 years now and my long time friend (m21) is now my girlfriends friend too.

So now, in the last half year my longtime friend and my girlfriend have gotten closer to each other and now the three of us hang out together whenever we're free! But more recently, since the end of summer, my longtime friend has started flirting with the both of us and has said we're hot, attractive, he wants to kiss us, stuff like that, and actually has kissed both of us (with mine and my girlfriends approval).

The first time this happened we had talked about it alot over text so when we saw each other in person we acted regularly at first but then settled down into a movie and my long time friend was cuddling us and petting us and was saying how lucky he is to have 2 beautiful girls in his arms and me and my gf liked this and later that day we both kissed him a few times.

After that we flirted even more over text until the next time we saw him for his birthday. It was his 21st birthday so we were all drinking and when me and my gf left, we got texts from him about how much he wants to make out with us and how irresistible and hot we are and stuff like that and my girlfriend enjoyed what he was saying.

So my problem is that before I met my girlfriend, I had feelings for my longtime friend but was struggling with my sexuality so I didn't know what to do with them and then I met my girlfriend and forgot about those feelings. But now those feelings have resurfaced in a way and I'm starting to think that my girlfriend thinks this is all one huge joke...

we have both jokingly fought over him saying stuff like "oh he's mine" "no he's not, he's mine" and my gf also calls him hot and attractive and has said she enjoyed kissing him. But then it all lead to today where i made a joke about how both me and my longtime friend had crushes on each other before I met her and I included a what if currently and she was like "you mean a throuple? no way" which surprised me a bit.

So now I'm afraid that I'm cheating on her or smth or what if these feelings aren't real and it's just imaginary. I hope you guys can help me!

As a man in ENM- Be well groomed, well dressed, have atleast 10 hobbies, expect a 6 month waiting period between matches, go to a bunch of meet-up events to leave disappointed, be fine with everyone "just wanting to be friends" but not actually date or have sex, be pretty much perfect in all facets of your being.

As a woman in ENM- Exist. Have the patience to give matches a good vetting. Profit.

Like I legit see so many in ENM/Poly thing guys "Oh build a community, work on your hobbies, don't expect many dates. " if I wanted to do that, I wouldn't be trying to engage in ENM I'd just go find somewhere to make friends.

Throwaway account.. Ok so let me say we are both struggling here. We have been together 16 years, two kids, mortgage, work together, the lot.

I have always struggled with my sexuality and more importantly my desires for sex with other people, in effect Mono/Poly. My partner has tried hard to accomodate my desires, but as I’m getting older I feel that I just have to explore this further. My partner is dead set against it. She says that is a hard no and if I want this that we our relationship is finished.

I have been quite sad for a while over this, everyone in my life is seemingly noticing my emotions are out of control. I am completely flat as it’s constantly playing in my mind. I don’t want to lose my family, in every respect I feel our relationship is solid, except in the bedroom where I am always more adventurous. If anything she has become less so as she has got older, but probably because I am also pushing for something she can’t provide.

So I am stuck, I either bury this part of myself and continue to let it eat me, or I leave. What if I leave and after a few experiences I get it out of my system and I realise that I didn’t need it. I’ll have thrown my relationship away for nothing?

Presumably relationships have had this feature before, how do you handle things like bi cycles, or the desire to be tied up and used, or heading into an adult cinema, or a gay sauna? Group sex, yes please! All of these things and more I want to try at least once in my life. Once I tick off the bucket list I feel it will probably settle down - but once I do the. my family will be gone.

I’m truly lost on how to handle this and make myself happy again. How can I have my partner see that I have an impossible choice?

Lastly, we are both seeing psychologists and have done for a while. I think hers is promoting body positivity and putting rules and limits in place, whereas mine is encouraging me to embrace my interests and be me. I have finally been able to embrace my bisexuality and acknowledge my kinks, this worries my partner as she’s concerned how she and our kids will be seen.

what's this called?

my friend is in a situation that she isn't quite sure what to call - She (19f) is pansexual, she's talking to a someone (21m) who is straight who is talking to another girl (18) is also pansexual while all 3 of them are also talking to other people outside of this situation. All three of them are in a "situationship" where they're sexually intimate and flirt back and forth while also being part of a larger friend group. The other friend is making jokes about her and my friend being "polysexual" that irrates my friend, being the resident blue hair liberal of my city she came to me asking about it. I told her that what this person was talking about was more along the lines of polyamory/an open relationship/no labels while polysexual is a lot more like the label she's already using. I figured I'd come here to see if you guys had anymore insight into what this might be called.

(I apologize for the length, but there was a lot to cover)

My fiancé (20) and I (20) have been together for about 2.5 years. We seldom fight, and we have been living together for most of our relationship. I love her more than anything, and it's safe to say she's my favorite person in the world. I know she feels the same because she tells me so almost every day. "You're my favorite", she'd tell me. "Favorite what?" I'd respond, to which she'd reply "My favorite everything ". I love the idea that no one else in her life holds the same level of importance as I do. That, unfortunately, has become an issue.

This is where things get tough. She tells me at the beginning of the relationship that she's very interested in trying out polyamory. Neither of us had done it before, but I didn't want to turn down something that I might end up enjoying, so I agreed to try it. We told eachother that dating people outside of our relationship was welcome, as well as adding another partner to our relationship if things worked out that way. At first, I had given dating people separately a try. It had the potential to work out, but I could never get over my guilt. No matter what I did, it always felt like cheating, even though my fiancé was extremely supportive of me trying out other relationships. Safe to say, I haven't attempted since.

She hadn't started showing serious active interest in other people until very recently. I kept telling myself that I should try my best to be just as accepting of it as she had been with me, but when I saw her hold the other person, something snapped in me.

She has never viewed our relationship as the "main" relationship, which somewhat bothered me at first. Over time, I have come to realize something: she and I love people in very different ways. I told her about this discovery, and she agreed that there was a fundamental difference. The way she described it, she is at peace with polyamory because she loves people in a "tier system". (Meaning that myself and any other partner would be in rank S, friends would be in rank A, B, and so forth.) I'm not sure if that's a healthy way to love, but it made sense as it explained how she experiences no jealousy when it comes to other partners.

On the other hand, I tend to love people as a numbered list. I don't do this intentionally, it is mainly something my father taught me to do when I was very young. How I describe it to others is this: When I meet someone, a number is assigned to you based on how important our relationship is to me and how much I love you. I am aware this is toxic behavior, but I was raised to know love as a quantifiable and measured privilege. My fiancé is #1 on this list. So when I think about the idea of me not being her "#1" anymore, it makes me terrified. She is the only person in my life who loves me as much as I love her, and I want to give her the world, but it still hurts to think about her with someone else. The question I'm asking you all is this: how can I change the way I love? I don't want to love conditionally as my parents did. I want her to be able to express herself in any way she wants to. She says she's fine just being in a monogamous relationship with me, but I can tell she'd be happier with the alternative. What can I do?

P.S.- I am more comfortable with the idea of adding another partner to our relationship than dating separately. If I am involved, it feels a little better, but I recognize that the same issue still applies.

I (M) would love to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation—how it worked out, what to do, what not to do, and so on.

We’re a middle-aged couple in our early and late 40'ies (M+F) who’ve been married for some 20 years. Like any long-term relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs. During the “rush years” (you know, kids, work, chaos), my libido dropped, and I gained some weight. A couple of years ago, I started testosterone replacement therapy, and it was like someone flipped a switch both "upstairs" and “downstairs.” We went from having sex a few times a month to almost every day for a while. Even now, couple of years later, we’re still at it 3-5 times a week. I also got into shape, lost some serious weight, and it helped to come closer emotionally too. It feels like we’re in a second honeymoon phase.

When we were younger, we’d briefly talked about fantasies, but I was a bit of a prude back then, so it didn’t go anywhere. Recently, I brought those ideas up again, and to my surprise, she was game. We started exploring together—went to strip clubs, talked about M+F+F threesomes (she’s a bit bi-curious), and just had fun with it. She’s always been confident in herself and our relationship, so there’s never been jealousy, just laughter and connection; she has always had for example the habit of pointing out hot women to me.

Things took an exciting turn during a special trip abroad. For the occasion, she surprised me with a threesome involving an escort. That was... quite the experience. Afterward, we had incredibly passionate sex and kept the fire going for the rest of the holiday.

After that, things escalated—at least for me. For example, I’d always wanted to try anal sex, but it wasn’t something she wanted to do. One day, she told me, “Why don’t you book an escort and get that out of your system?” So I did. Since then, I’ve had a few sessions with sex workers; sex, tantric massages etc., always with her full knowledge and permission. The effect is strange; I feel more attracted and connected to her afterwards and want to share the things with her. While she does not want to hear all details, she does seem to get horny.

Even so, I’ve found myself musing about whether she’s really okay with everything. She’s told me that while she likes the “new me” and enjoys how much closer we’ve become, she has some hesitations about me getting "too much into it" by which she means visiting sex workers. That honesty reassures me that she’s being real about her feelings and isn’t just going along for my sake. After all, she’s not the type to avoid drawing lines or setting boundaries—believe me, she’s done it plenty of times in the past. At the same time, she’s expressed interest in exploring another threesome, though she’d prefer it be with someone she knows at least a little. The challenge is finding a woman who’s hot (though luckily our taste in women is the same), sane, and willing to join on our terms. Personally, I’d rather it be a stranger, which is why escort is the more practical option.

That said, I have my own worries that are align with hers. I’m the kind of person who can get obsessed with hobbies (and let’s be honest, this feels like a hobby). I adore my wife and our marriage, and I’d hate to mess it all up over something that’s meant to be just fun on the side. At the same time, I want to experience more of it and keep on going. How can I maintain the balance? Is this bound to end up in a disaster?

I know this has been answered probably thousands of times but I want to try and meet one. I feel like if I go out in public and just straight out ask I would be called a creep or a pervert. How Am I supposed to ask them how am I supposed to introduce myself. How am I supposed to find a place to do this irl, How am I supposed to use my hobbies to find a place where I can meet. How am I supposed to be intresting

and when you mix in the fact that I want to try for a polyamrous relationship I feel that it complicates things even further.

because I don't know how I'm supposed to explain I want the love in the relationships to be mutal between all of us

Hi everyone,

We're a week into our open marriage; my wife has already made a connection (she's been curious for a long time, and the right trustworthy person coming into her life was part of the decision to bite the bullet. We have set eachother boundaries. I'm on some dating apps and such (to make similarly minded friends if nothing else). My wife has been intimate with her intimacy partner but not progressed to sex. We have been together for 14 years, since we we were 14 and have only been intimate with eachother.

I'm really struggling with jealousy right now. Sometimes when she speaks about what she's enjoyed and that really gets me going. But sometimes I get in this loop of thinking about her with someone else (today's hyper focus is giving oral) and it makes feel sick and anxious and makes me feel so much self hate. Today I had a panic attack (very rare for me) and I feel like either 1) I've made a mistake in helping us move this forward, I'm being taken for a fool and have actually just validated an affair 2) she'll find something in this experience that I can't offer and leave me or 3) her partner will be secretly hoping this destroys our marriage.

I should add that this is when I'm in my jealousy pit. I'm excited for this, I'm excited for my wife to spread her wings - I enjoy the idea of making additional connections, even just non sexual emotional conversations and affection. It's just when I'm in this pit it fucking sucks. I asked my wife to write 10 things that make me her primary life partner (so beyond intimacy), and I wrote her some and this helped - but these feelings in the meantime are too big. I have also registered for counselling.

Is there anything else I can do? I really want this for us and I love her with all.my heart but these pit days feel gruelling.

My husband and I have zero interest in swinging or adding a third romantically. Neither of us want to date solo. However, we’re in a D/s marriage and we’re looking for a fuck buddy.

As someone new to the idea of actually PURSUING nonmonogamy but not new to the act… why is this so taboo? I’m on Feeld and very specific about what we’re looking for- not a relationship, just casual hookups either one night stand or on a recurring basis if she wants to.

Reddit seems very anti-unicorn hunting. Which I get it, if you’re actually polyamorous. It seems predatory. But is it that bad and taboo if you’re up front about what you’re looking for?

Hi all! I was hoping for some objective views on this situation I’ve found myself in.

Almost a year ago now I (39F) met my partner (38M) and we began a casual relationship. He is married (35F) and they had some fairly strict parameters around outside relationships. But he and I connected very well and our relationship deepened. There were certainly growing pains and times I felt hurt by the lack of autonomy I had within the relationship and I questioned whether it was the place for me. But ultimately he was understanding, there was growth in the dynamic, and the juice was worth the squeeze for me.

For added context in what I’m going to ask, I’ve had a tough year and the past 3 weeks specifically have been pretty brutal and last weekend I got overly emotional about a situation with him and another of his partners.

Ok so at some point recently I asked him if maybe we could go snowshoeing this weekend as it’s an activity we both enjoy. He said he would love that and would ask his wife. Non-sex activities and seeing one another more than once a week (especially on a weekend) are things they discuss with one another before agreeing to with other partners. It was mostly left there with a “it’ll be fun if it works out.” Yesterday he messages me in the evening to say that since she likes snowshoeing as well he had to ask her first if she wanted to go so they were going to go this weekend instead. He hopes my feelings aren’t hurt but obviously that’s how it goes. I respond that I hope they have fun but yes I was hurt and it made me feel like a disposable person. That I wasn’t aware any activity I wanted to do together had to first be offered up to her and only if she didn’t want to do it and she agreed we could do it was it allowed.

To this he suggested I was flailing again and throwing a pity party for myself. That this is how it goes dating a married man and it shouldn’t be a surprise he had to ask her if she wanted to do it first. That it’s shitty of me to act like this because we’ve hung out 4 times in 2 weeks (one was dinner with us all together and the other 3 were quick sex hangs not longer than 3 hours). He said it’s simple I should just accept it and not get my feelings hurt.

So, fellow ENM practitioners, am I out of line in feeling devalued as a person or is he right that I’m being dramatic and this is to be expected?

Trying to make this as short as possible lol but me and my girl have been together for about 5 years now. I’ve been fantasizing about a mfm with her. Not as a cuck but a spit roast if that’s the correct term. I love seeing her get pleasure and I want to be involved. Straight male 25 and gf is 25 as well. I talked to her about it and she was perfectly okay with using toys to mimic a mfm. It’s been fun but I still want the real thing. Last night we got drunk and I asked her about it but this time I mentioned adding a real person (not toys like the first time) and she didn’t say no right off the bat (or at all). We broken up for 2 years in between because of me. Fast forward she slept with a guy so I asked he could be involved in this mfm, since for me that’s one less body count (if that matters)she was hesitant and told me “idk I think last time I remember he had a gf” we kept talking but tbh I don’t remember much but we ended up having sex & the next day we didn’t talk about what we said. My question after all this is yall think she would be okay with one in the future? I don’t want to force her of course if she says no but as of now she seems to enjoy a lot using toys to simulate one. We’ve even done dvp with me and a toy on her, what I’m trying to say is we been using toys and she’s been loving it. Any feedback would be appreciated. I do want to add, I don’t mind extra body count it was just a plus also from the guy she hooked up when we broke up she never had anything emotionally and was easy for her to cut him off after we got back.

This is a post for all of you asking «will it ever get better?» It might.

At the start of the summer I wrote a post asking for advice on «How to move past the hurt of my husband loving someone else too» when we after two years of open marriage decided to allow for him to have a girlfriend and thus entering more of a poly territory in ENM. I got some lovely replies and support from the community in here (as well as the odd «you are brainwashing your husband», but Reddit gonna Reddit, right?)

So what’s happened since?

Summer was hard for us. There was a lot of hurt and resentment, a lot of fear and anger, that had to be let out and given space. Yet, as I’m sitting here in bed this morning, writing this, I’m in a good space, I have reached neutrality, and I’m fine with that.

And what has happened in these past months to facilitate this change in me?

• We got an ENM skilled couples counsellor. This has been particularly helpful to my husband.
• We broke apart, and rebuilt ourselves. It all came to a head after the summer holidays and we had a big, traumatic week of tears, anger and pain. He broke up with her because he couldn’t stand to see me in pain; I urged him to get back with her, seeing how much he loved her. That was a big shift for me, as it no longer felt like something had been inflicted on me, but something I chose. (But 100 % do not recommend people breaking up with someone they love in an attempt to save the relationship you are ending!)
• Time and exposure. Sometimes things really do get easier with time and exposure.
• I got intentional in what I’m seeking from ENM for myself. I realised that some of the justice jealousy I felt around them dating and doing things I had wanted to do with husband, could be relieved by me doing those things with others. So I set out looking for a man who wanted more than just meeting up in hotel rooms. And for the «we’ve been open for two weeks and I can’t find anyone» people: It took me 5 months of searching - but I found him 🥰.
• I have learnt to recognise that when I’m getting petulant over their relationship, it’s usually something to do with me, not them. Like I might feel slighted by a friend or ghosted by a match, and if that happens on their date night, I tend to conflate the two. Instead of spiralling about them, I now check myself, correct myself, and stop it.
• We’ve been taking our time to find the right amount of communication, keeping their relationship separate, of course, but not so much that the girlfriend feels like a dirt secret that cannot be spoken about. Finding this balance had been surprisingly hard to both of us, as we are each others best friend, but also want to avoid upsetting each other with unnecessary details.

And probably some other things I have forgotten about.

So, is all good?

Not quite. After all, this is real life, not some poly fantasy.

I can still snag on the fact that he fell in love with her so quickly, because that’s what the two of us did. And for me, it has been the only time it happened so quickly (I proposed after two months!), and knowing he fell as quickly with her makes me question that specialness I have held so highly. It’s not a biggie, but it’s there and I recognise it.

And unfortunately, I made the mistake of meeting my meta, who was cold and showed disdain towards me. I know why she did so, and I believe my husband when he tells me that’s not what she’s like, but it was what she was like towards me, and that’s the impression I’m left with. Which means I’ll probably never get to compersion, and why I’m really happy I have reached neutrality.

But all in all, I’m really happy where we all are at the moment.

I'm currently married to my best friend, whom I love dearly. However, since broaching the subject of ENM a few years ago, it's become apparent that we have very different views on the subject. Now that I've pindered this lifestyle for some time now, I believe more and more it's something I want; but know that it is incompatible with my marriage.

Every time I think I'm ready to leave, something pulls me back. And every time I think I'm being crazy to throw away what I have, something reminds me of why I don't want to keep trying. I'm so frustrated. In this moment, I'm ready to try to move on and pursue what feels right and natural to me.

But then I think about the logistics. We've been together for about 15 years. We've built an amazing life together. And while we both have our issues, their mental health has always been fragile. And I know that sometime else's mental state is not my responsibility. But after multiple suicidal ideations, begging from them to let me allow themselves to take their own life, and constantly trying to calm and reground them when stressors trigger their PTSD and self loathing, I honestly cannot imagine a way out.

I could never forgive myself if they ended their life. They believe they are a burden to and unlovable, and if I leave more I just know they will take this as a "confirmation" of all those negative self beliefs.

We also share many of the same friends. Their closest friend is married with a kid and a very full house. If I even attempted to end things I know I couldn't leave them alone. But their best friend is probably not in the position to offer them a place to stay, and I can't think of a safe arrangement.

They also have a very negative assocation with hospitals, and I'd really like to avoid them being held against their will. Not too mention the financial costs of something like that.

Which brings another complication to light. While I'm the breadwinner, I definitely can't afford our bills on my own. And I know they can't handle their own solo either. I've had to cover the difference for several years now, including over a year and a half of their unemployment.

We also share multiple pets together (but thankfully no kids). I honestly can't think of a way to make leaving work. But also no longer feel fulfilled in a mono relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for, or if I just need to vent. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sure this sounds like every other post on here. And I somehow think my situation is unique. Which in some ways it is but at its core probably not all that rare. I guess any advice on how to navigate going forward would be appreciated

And yes, I've looked into and tried therapy, both individually and couples, but with our financial difficulties it's extremely hard. Finding poly/ENM friendly therapists is surprisingly difficult, and finding any that accept my insurance is next to impossible.

Hello everyone this is my first post here. I need some advice on how to deal with the feelings I get with her going on solo experiences.

Me (M27) and my fiancé (F26) have been open for about 7 months now and dating for over 4 years. We have a beautiful toddler together and have an amazing relationship.

I can’t help but get a weird feeling in my gut every time she’s out alone with a guy. She has only been with 1 guy so far and slept with him twice. But she has spoke with over 6 different guys almost getting to the meet ups for them to ghost her the day of. With this being said, I haven’t got much practice in with dealing with my feelings of us being open. I love having threesomes with her and going to couples play clubs. But solo experiences always give me such a weird feeling. I know she loves me and wouldn’t wanna be with anyone else, she has told me countless times that she only wants to be in a relationship with me forever but that she just wants to be able to have sex with someone she vibes with. And wants to feel free to do so. I want her to be happy so how do I deal with these feelings.

For a side note: I do get off to the thought of her doing it but it gives me such weird feeling of if I like it or not. I’m just really confused. Has anyone delt with this before?

About me I (38m) am married and my nested partner (39f) prefers that I maintain things as parallel poly (meaning she knows and consents to me being poly, but wants nothing to do with any other partners). My NP is monogamous to me by her choice, as she has the option to do whatever she chooses.

The Location We are located in Eastern Idaho.

The Issue For those of you who have no idea what it is like here, this place is very conservative and repressed when it comes to anything other than monogamous relationships between cis-het couples and they indoctrinate people into believing it is the "only way" from a very early age. Finding any other partners is extremely challenging, dating apps like Feeld, Tindr, even OkCupid simply don't work around here because the population of the area is so small, and the only place to meet anyone is at a bar, which is horrible since I don't drink, and there really aren't many activities other than that around here.

It gets incredibly frustrating when talking with someone, and the moment I say I am poly and have a nested partner, they dip in one way or another, often times after trying to lecture me about how what I am doing is wrong (often calling me a cheater or other BS.) It ends up with things being more than a little messed up.

If I could move, I would, but it is simply not an option, so I have to make the best out of this dumpster fire called Idaho.

I'm curious for females how you feel about a partner who doesn't cum when you play together?

I've got ADHD & have always taken a long time to cum & in group settings whether pure swap, orgy or 3some I can never seem to cum. I have an amazing time, it feels incredible, group play is my favorite, but there's just too much stimulation & things going on for me to concentrate to cum. Even with frequent partners.

Does this ruin the experience or temper your enjoyment of the festivities for you in some way? How often do you experience this?

I (33M) and married and new to ENM and have never had casual relationships/hookups before this summer. Since getting on the apps I have 3 consistent FWB.

I have quickly developed strong feelings for one of the women I am seeing. The sex is unmatched, we have a lot in common, and have great conversations. She has said before that she does not like to define relationships and has been elusive with describing what dynamic she wants, but I get the feeling she mostly wants to have a physical relationship. However, I can’t shake some moments that seem like she wants something more.

On our second night we spent ages cuddling in bed and sharing pillow talk. I asked her if she wanted me to stay and she responded with an incredibly excited yes. On the next time we hooked up she seemed to intentionally keep physical distance when we were not actively having sex. She also never initiates texting conversations or suggests doing anything outside of the bedroom.

I can’t get this person out of my mind. I don’t know why, but the uncertainty of where things might go is troubling me.

I am feeling confused because when I started ENM I was looking for casual sex but I can’t help myself from wanting more with this person. So I am wondering if and how I can move through these feelings and continue to have phenomenal sex? Do actually I need to move past these feelings?

I've been monogamous for years and now heading into the unknown. While I want to experiment, I find that nm people are only always drunk. They can't seem to do anything or want to do anything sober in the form of a relationship or sex or anything. I'm left wondering if this is a gen z thing this making it difficult for people to connect. In addition it's gotta be drugs and alcohol, it's never just alcohol only. Anyone care to chime in?