Hey ya’ll. I’m feel really physically anxious right now and I can’t seem to convince my body that it’s safe. My long distance boyfriend of 2+ years who I am in an open relationship with recently started seeing someone new. She’s a coworker so they work together multiple nights a week, they are in the same friend group and now they are hooking up. It’s definitely more intertwined that any relationship either of us have had up to this point. We’ve both hooked up with other people in the past and he’s struggled with it so much so that I’ve found myself not seeing anyone for the past year for fear of creating issues in the relationship. This isn’t something he asked me to do but his overwhelmingly negative response often felt like too much for me to handle and I didn’t want to get anyone else involved because I felt like I would likely end up having end things abruptly to prioritize my primary relationship. However all this time my partner has been very adamant that he want this relationship and does want it to be open. As for his hook up history he’s had a few ONS here and there and has had some experiences with other close friends although none of them went very far. I know he wants something more consistent which is what this new FWB is. I have had succesful open relationships in the past but none this serious. For some reason my body us responding with extreme anxiety at this new situation even though logiclly I'm not totally sure why. I've been nauseated to the point of throwing up multiple times in the past couple weeks. My heart races and my whole body feels cold. No amount of journaling, meditation, excersise, or time with my friends has helped. I’ve met her and she great and I really liked her but it still didn’t ease my anxiety. What feels worse is that my partner is very upset that I’m having a hard time with this. He has accused me of not wanting non monogamy and says that my anxiety is making him anxious. I feel really bad because he’s right in that I am the one with more experience in non monogamy (we started the relationship open but only because I was very transparent from the jump that it was what I wanted) and this is really making me scared that I’m one of those awful manipulative people who wants only wants non monogamy for myself and can’t handle it when their partner starts seeing other people. He also has already started and ended things with this person twice (not at my request) initially because he said it was too hard to hu with a coworker but later dropped that it’s because my response has made him to anxious. What can I do to get my body to stop acting like this is a life or death situation. I really want to be supportive of this new relationship but it’s so hard to when it’s sending me into this much of a pit of anxiety.

Hello just wanted advice on this, my partner and I have been in an open relationship for a year, and at the beginning of the relationship I said we could eventually close down the line if we both mutually agreed to it.

Now he’s ready to close the relationship but I don’t think I’m ready. He hasn’t really slept with people outside of our relationship since we’ve gotten together and he said that me hooking up with others makes him jealous. I don’t want him to feel that way but I also don’t feel 100% ready to close the relationship, does anyone have advice on the matter?

Hey all, I am working through some things right now and just wanted to get some advice on how I can improve my communication in the future.

My Primary Partner and I are married with 3 kids and started an ENM lifestyle a little over a year ago. We have both dated other people but have not had any serious relationships that lasted more than 2-3 months. Shortly after we became ENM my PP started a long distance relationship with an online friend she had known for a little while. They have been "dating" long distance for the last year and I have had no problems with this. He lives literally in another country on the other side of the world and they had never met in person until this week. He decided to book a flight out here to see her and when asked we agreed that he could stay in our guest bedroom for the trip. Unknown to me when I agreed, was that he was planning to stay with us for 3 weeks.

Flash forward a week later from him getting here and things have been going well. She is really getting along well with him and enjoying getting to know this person she has talked to online for so long in person.

Here is where the issue arises. I have started to speak up with some frustrations, because during the last week, I have not had any 1:1 time with my PP. As soon as we get out of bed she is spending time with him and he is so shy and awkward that he doesn't ever even speak to me so I just feel like the extra wheel. In the evening we will take care of dinner/kids/bedtimes and as soon as the kids go to bed her and him disappear off to his room. Typically she will come back to my room hours later, get into bed, and be asleep within 5 minutes.

I get that NRE is really strong right now and there is a lot of excitement around exploring that connection, but we got 1 week in and it seemed like if I didn't say anything it would continue for the next 2 weeks. In an effort to take matters into my own hands I have taken on 100% of household chores while the 2 of them are together (Typically my partner is a SAHM and handles 60%-70% of the housework while I handle the rest after I am done working). I had hoped that if I took that load off her shoulders it would free up time so there would be enough to go around. Granted I never communicated this plan or desire, I just blindly hoped. All that has done has allowed her and him to spend more time together. I communicated on Sunday morning that I felt like I needed her to set boundaries with him and make sure he understood that she is unable to spend all of her time with him. I told her she needs time with both of them, time for just herself, and some time for just the two of us. I took the kids out that day to the grandparents house and left them with the whole day together so she could spend time with him and have that conversation.

Since that conversation happened I have not noticed any real changes. Yesterday I dropped repeated obvious hints that I wanted to spend time with her that night and was continually brushed off (I am not talking vague hints, things like bringing up a show that came out and saying we should watch it together tonight, Finding a bottle of lotion we thought we had lost and bringing up that I could give her a back rub with it that night, etc.)

Once she finally came to bed last night I let her know that I was unhappy that I was the priority that was being dropped in her life right now. She feels that I have never been needy about wanting to spend extra time together and that this is just jealousy on my part because he is staying with us. She keeps telling me that this isn't a long term thing and that he will go home in 2 weeks and she just wants him to have a good trip and feel like they got as much time together as they could during that time. I let her know it is in no way a jealousy thing, but she cannot just alternate being in 1 relationship at a time. that even while he is here she still needs to be present in our relationship. I suggested that I don't need a lot, but even a communication of 1 night a week that could be just the two of us would go a long way. This conversation caused some high emotions as she felt I was making her choose between the two of them and making her feel guilty for being happy with him right now. She also pointed out that the few nights before he had arrived in town I had been up late playing video games and she had gone to bed without me each of those nights, so in her mind, I had my chance to spend time with her before he got here which reenforces the jealousy story in her mind.

To make sure she isn't left out here I want to add a few other things she brought up. She mentioned that she has been thanking me every time she gets for everything I have been doing to take work off of her shoulders this last week. She also mentioned that we have had multiple little moments throughout the week such as: coming up behind me while I am making dinner to give me a hug or a kiss or a compliment, when we are in another room where he is not pulling me aside and having little moments together before him or the kids find us. She feels that just because she doesn't spend an entire evening with me it is unfair to dismiss all those little moments, as in her mind those should still add up.

I need a reality check here. am I being jealous/needy/unfair here? Do I need to do some self-reflection/growth for the next 2 weeks here? or is my expectation reasonable?

Hey everyone,

I’m still trying to process everything that happened, and honestly, I don’t know where else to turn. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years, “Alex,” and it feels like my whole world has been turned upside down. I can’t tell if I’m grieving her, the relationship, or just feeling completely used. I’m hoping sharing the full story might bring some clarity, and maybe some advice, because I feel like I’m drowning.

Alex and I were deeply in love (at least I thought so). I was the one who helped her find stability—emotionally and professionally. She was working a job she hated when we met, and over time, I helped her transition to a better position. We moved in together a year and a half ago, and I really thought we were building a life together. But a few months back, she told me she didn’t feel “monogamous” and that she wanted to open the relationship. She’d come out to me as bisexual early on, but her justification for opening up wasn’t about exploring her sexuality; it was about needing a non-monogamous relationship to feel fulfilled.

I was upfront with her from the beginning that I preferred monogamy, but she turned it into an ultimatum. Either we opened the relationship, or she would feel trapped. I loved her deeply, so I reluctantly agreed, trying to compromise. We decided that both of us could pursue relationships with other women only, since I’m straight and felt more comfortable with her being with other women rather than other men. I wasn’t interested in pursuing anyone, but it felt like the least painful option compared to losing her. We agreed that it could potentially expand to all genders in the future, depending on my comfort level.

In a matter of weeks, Alex started dating a woman named “Megan.” Almost immediately, I could tell things were different. She was emotionally invested, and the dynamic between us shifted. It was like I’d lost her, even though we were technically still together. She spent a lot of time with Megan, and I tried to be understanding, but deep down, it hurt. I felt sidelined in my own relationship. My worst fears were confirmed when Alex finally told me she realized she’s lesbian and that she wants to be with Megan. We broke up last Saturday, and she moved out shortly after.

Since then, I’ve been left with this overwhelming feeling that I was just a stepping stone. I feel like I gave her stability, love, and support, only for her to figure out her identity and leave me behind. It’s like everything I invested in our relationship was all for her to ultimately find herself and move on without me. I understand that sexuality is complex, and I’m not angry with her for coming to this realization. But it feels incredibly unfair to have been brought along for this journey, only to be abandoned at the end of it.

I know I should be focusing on moving forward, but there’s this lingering bitterness and hurt. I can’t shake the feeling that I was just a phase in her life, something to discard once she discovered who she really is. Part of me wants her to understand the pain she put me through, but I don’t know if confronting her would even help.

If anyone’s been through something similar or has any advice on how to truly let go, I’d be so grateful. Right now, I’m caught between anger, sadness, and this hollow emptiness that I can’t seem to fill. Thanks for reading.

Hi, i'm (m 37) in a 10 years relationship with my wife (f 43) and started up as monogamous because it was the default and I had no idea that I could have a different kind of relationship although I would have loved a nonmonogamous one but I had no idea that that could be a posibility back then.

So anyway we got married after one year of relationship and started the whole relationship escalator stuff. After 3 years we had a bought an apartment and had a child.

Starting with the second year of our relationship I started to feel anxious about this relationship although there apeard to be nothing wrong with it, but I would later find out that I wasn't actually being myself and was keeping silent about my needs and wants. I was to focused following a social script. But I was actually craving for more openess and frank talk about nonmonogamy (since I had no idea that you could be poly) and kink.

Being in a monogamous vanilla relationship wasn't actually my thing and I was realy afraid to admit that to myself. I was also religious and I felt that I was betraying God. So yeah, after we had the baby and had very few time for ourselves we started to become more estranged from one another and I started reading on the internet about open relationships, polyamory, kink etc.

I tried to talk to my wife about these things but she shut me down really fast and said she isn't interested and does not want to talk about it. So I started to explore and read on my own until I found a woman and started cheating my wife with her. I felt like crap during this whole cheating faze, I didn't feel more alive as some people feel, I felt like a scumbag, a lousy husband and lousy father and grew very depressed and my wife found out about it. I went into therapy, my wife said she forgives me and wants us to be monogamous. I tried that but told her that I would be betraying myself in a monogamous relationship.

So I told her that I want to be in a polyamorous relationship with someone else. I had no one in mind in particular. So we broke up for like 2 and a half years or smth. We stood in the same house for the sake of the child and since I couldn't afford to pay rent and child support. We were roomates all this time. I was alone and did not have any relationships or casual sex and was invested in raising the child. I was feeling lonely but at least I was free and I liked that.

FFW a couple of months ago it just happened to find myself alone with her one night and we both felt really vulnerable and horny and she asked me why don't I want to get back to her. I told her that I value freedom, autonomy and relationships that are not based on a prescribed traditional script. I told her that I want communication, non-monogamy and even polyamory in the future.

She said she would like us to have an open relationship where she will be mono but first she wants us to reconnect in our relationship. She didn't want to talk more about how she sees that ``open relationship`` and said we'll talk the days to come. We were both really horny and made sex.

Couple of days and weeks pass and I try to talk to her about our relationship and how she sees it. Was trying to communicate my needs and wants and said that I'm willing to listen to her view, her needs and her wants. Problem is that in everyone of these talks she was always rushing me and shut me down and said that I'm pissing her of with talk about non-monogamy and polyamory.

I told her about that night and what she said about the foundations of our new relationship and told me that she does not want that in the near future and if I want to have sex with someone else I don't have to tell her. I told her that i'm not comfortable with this type of arangement and I want us to talk freely and stuff. She said something evasive like yeah sure we'll talk but she still acts disturbed everytime I want to talk about our relationship.

I don't know what to do since I don't like this whole situation and I feel like I'm pressuring her, but don't want that but on the other hand she said she willingly said she wants to be in an open relationship with me. Was thinking of couple's therapy but she says that a poly friendly therapist would be byased and pick my side and ``give me justice`` and she wants someone that is ``objective``. So.... in the end....what should I do next since I feel really sad, heartbroken, lonely and disappointed.

So, long story from the beginning. I (M39), confessed to my wife (36F), we’ve been married 13 years, together 18 years, and have only ever had sex with each other, about hotwife fantasies I had about two years ago, she was super surprised by this, as I’ve never mentioned anything like this to her before. She spent some time thinking about it, I never really pressured her about it or anything. She was caught off guard with it, did ask why I had interest in it to better understand where I was coming from and why, and did her own research on it. It eventually did get added in the bedroom via dirty talk/roll play, and we both seemed to enjoy it. After about a year or so, (maybe 6 months ago) I thought I would be comfortable enough for her to actually pursue it, and told her so. She is a very extroverted person, she does go out 1, maybe 2 times a week with some friends, while I’m very introverted, and much rather stay at home and not deal with big crowds, or with drunks at the local bars. I mentioned that I would be fine with her meeting someone while she’s out, and essentially having a FWB situation going on, as long as she kept me updated as to who she was with, when and where, which that’s mostly due to my concern for her personal safety honestly. Nothing really happened for several weeks, she did mention that she just hasn’t meet anyone that caught her eye to show any interest to, until about 2-3 weeks ago. She did meet someone that she felt comfortable enough with to try moving forward with. He’s a single guy, close in age to her. She was up front with him that she is married when they started messaging on Facebook messenger, and that we have recently opened our marriage. I honestly do not know if she told him this is her first encounter, or if the guy thinks we’ve been open for awhile. I did have some “rules” I asked of her, like I wouldn’t feel comfortable with overnight stays with him, and if she felt like either him or her were catching “feelings” for each other beyond friendship or if I got that feeling from them, she was willing to completely call it off. She has had absolutely zero pushback or complaints with any “rule”, or “boundary”, however you want to describe it, that I asked of her what so ever. I do have trust and faith in her to make wise decisions. She has been hanging out with the guy in group settings for a few weeks now, he’s fully aware of her being married, and asked if I would be willing to meet him, which I agreed to do. We did get a few short minutes to talk outside the place we were at, but it was very brief. He did tell me he did not have any interest in pursuing a real relationship with her, that he is enjoying being single, and also just wanted a chance to talk to me in person to see how I felt about the whole thing, because he has never tried going after a married woman, and would not do it behind someone’s back. I did tell him that it was all brand new for us, but about that time some others came out and we (me and my wife) are trying to not let the whole town know that we are going down this route, so our conversation got cut really short. I ended up leaving early that night to go home, I had had enough peopling for that evening, and my wife stayed out with the group of friends, and the guy she is interested in. After I got home I felt pretty good, and honestly a little happy the “new guy” was wanting to talk in person with me to make sure I was good with everything, and I went to bed. Well, I woke up around 2am to go to the bathroom, my wife still wasn’t home yet, and I could feel anxiety/panic starting to build. I tried to calm myself, saying that it’s fine, I agreed to this, knew who she was with, and everything would be ok. Well, it wasn’t ok for me, at all. I VERY, VERY rarely check my wife’s location through the find my iPhone (we both share each others location 100% of the time, and have for a long time, even before all this talk), but the anxiety was building pretty bad, and I thought if I knew where she was it would help calm my nerves. It didn’t. I checked her location, and she was not at one of the local hang outs, but at a house in a neighborhood that she’s never been to before and I went into a full on tailspin out of control. I kept telling myself that it’s fine, I encouraged and supported her doing these things, and there’s no reason I should be feeling like this. My heart was racing outa control, and my mind was racing at warp speed doubting the entire idea of doing this, questioning myself, why I would encourage this, just to crash and burn so hard, so I got up, went downstairs and started pacing the floor trying to calm myself, I actually though about getting dressed and going for a power walk/run, at 3am in the morning, and I am not a casual runner type of person, in an attempt to calm myself, but I refrained. I stayed up for 45 minutes, finally got my heart rate under control, and my head half way cleared out, and tried to go to bed. But it did t work, my mind did slow down some, my heart rate did slow down, but after about 30 minutes of laying down, I started to physically feel nauseous laying down. She did finally come home, I don’t remember the time exactly, but I was half asleep/half awake and still feeling nauseous so I got up and slept on the recliner downstairs, because being elevated helped the nauseousness go away and finally fell asleep. I did talk to her about the next day, nothing very in depth, I just told her I had some anxiety while she was out, but didn’t really reveal the true depth of it out of concern it would overshadow her fun night out. She did tell me nothing happened, and the only reason she was out later than usual’s because they went to Dennys before going home, which is something she has done before with other friends.

All that to ask, is there any way to get over that level of anxiety? I am not an anxiety prone person at all, I’ve NEVER in my life felt that level of anxiety, not even in combat. Does it ever get better, or is this just a sign that I’m not cut out for an open relationship?

Editing just to add: we did decided about 6 months ago that an open relationship would be better instead of just the hotwife scenario, she didn’t feel comfortable with just a one night stand.

That the new description of the sub counts polygamy as ethical non-monogamy? Interesting.

Non-Monogamy is a blanket term covering several different types of interpersonal relationships in which some or all participants have multiple marital, sexual, and/or romantic partners. This community is for ethical non-monogamy, not adultery or cheating.

Hello! Newly opened relationship 6 months ago. We’re currently on a one date per week kind of schedule but I’m not sure if that’s too much too soon? I read about monthly dates on some other posts too.

Would love to know and learn from your experiences.

Hello all! Looking for good books about relationship anarchy specifically! I would love any recommendations you have! Bonus points if they are available as audiobooks!

So i am a 21m and my gf is also 21 yrs old, today he said that there is a guy at the university, and he want to have sex with, im into to cuckolding but idk how to feel about, what will change after they had sex, she said she loves me and only wants sex with him nothing else. What will be if i don't like the ide after it happened or what should we do before they do something? Sorry for my English, it's my 3rd language and sorry if I put wrong flair.

TL;DR: Not really looking for advice, just in need of a vent.

I recently met a guy who’s in an open relationship like me, and who just happens to be what I’ve been looking for for the past six months: Someone to date and have fun with, someone cultured and intelligent, with whom I can explore the city as well as the bedroom.

We’ve had four great dates, two of them so good they were of a “write home and tell my friends” quality good. We only had sex on our last date - and now I’m completely smitten. There is no love, I’m not that delusional, but there is this desire to hear from him all the time, longing to see him again.

I fluctuate between giddiness when I get a message from him to insecurity if I haven’t heard from him in a while - and mind you, he’s been in touch every single day so we’re literally just talking about hours here. I worry that I like him more than he likes me and that I might be headed for a slow fade, and I do my best to temper my desire to message him all the time. And then, like now, I notice I’ve got a snap from him, and I’m all happy and giddy again.

And then I worry if I let it all bleed over into my marriage (hubby says no, but the worry is still there), and I also feel guilty for being less than stellar when we opened up for him to have a girlfriend and ruining his NRE phase.

There’s just too many damn, and contradicting, emotions, all wrapped up in the same day, heck, the same hour. I find the whole thing exhausting. I’m too old to be all silly like this!

I decided to create this account because I'm quite confused and lost at the moment. I feel like some advice, similar experiences or different points of view could be helpful at the moment. All names are fake.

My partner (41M) Angelo and I (38F) started swinging after 16 years together. We met this couple (37M, Tim & 30F, Cat) with whom we seemed to vibe pretty well very early on in this lifestyle exploration, and kept getting together with them over time.

Cat has shown a big interest in me from the very beginning which, with the agreement and consent from everyone, progressed into us two having a side sexual connection just on our own.
It was also obvious since the beginning that Angelo and Cat had an effortless sexual connection and shared a similar vibe.

We all started communicating through a group chat, but Cat and I started having our own private chats. After a while, Cat shared with everyone that she would like to also get to know Angelo better by talking with him directly and privately, with which we all agreed, although making clear that anything other than that wouldn't be okay with either Tim or me.

With time, both Tim and I realised independently but at the same time, that we didn't want to keep having sexual encounters due to not vibing as easily together, thus ending our 4 way sexual encounters.
In the meantime, Cat and I had formed a deep bond. Angelo and I were keen on keeping exploring our connection with Cat, but Tim, although being comfortable with her relationship with me, and also open to having Cat and Angelo eventually exploring sexually on their own as well, is not ok with the idea of Cat having sexual encounters with both Angelo and me together.

We had all agreed that although some feelings were ok, falling in love was not, and if any of us felt like they were getting close to it, they should make it known and we would all readjust accordingly. However, recently Cat shared that she has fallen in love with both Angelo and me, on top of loving Tim.

Cat wants to keep her primary relationship with Tim, while continuing exploring her connection with me, her connection with Angelo, and she would also like to have some shared experiences with both of us. Both Angelo and I would also like to explore this connection with Cat together, dating her together, but each of us would also like to keep having our own individual connection with her.

Now onto why I'm writing all of this here: I feel very connected to Cat at this point and would like to keep exploring our bond both individually and together with Angelo. However, I struggle considerably with the thought of Angelo and Cat having sex by themselves. A 'three way' type of exploration or relationship is out of the question due to Tim not wanting it. If Angelo and Cat will be forced to keeping things between them platonic indefinitely, Angelo wants to end it, since there's a lot of unreleased sexual tension between them by now. If Angelo 'ends things' with Cat, she'll want to end things with me as well due to it being difficult for her to be constantly reminded of Angelo if she keeps connected to me.

I struggle between this feeling of potential compersion when I imagine witnessing their sexual chemistry if we were to have three way encounters, and a big fear of blowing up my relationship with Angelo if I 'allow' them to explore their bond on their own, due to several fears and insecurities on my part. I'm pretty happy with the idea of dating her together with my partner, and maybe if we could start this way, it may not bother so much anymore the idea of the two of them together on their own after a few three way dates, but this scenario is off the table. We were never supposed to be in this messy situation, but several rookie mistakes have gotten all of us here and I don't know how to proceed anymore.

Any insight is welcome.

Throwaway account cause we haven’t talked about it yet and I’m paranoid of him finding this before we talk.

So my bf and I (21f) have been in a relationship for 3 years. This is my first relationship, and everything about it is amazing. Apart from the sex.

I’m a really sexual person and have a very high sex drive. He’s pretty much the opposite. We’ve had a lot of conversations about it and have both tried to improve things, but at the end of the day I think we just aren’t sexually compatible. He says sex feels like a chore to him most of the time and it causes him a lot of anxiety. He’s almost never in the mood, like we have sex MAYBE once every couple of weeks. I’ve wondered if maybe he’s on the ace spectrum. He also has ED and has pretty much given up on trying to treat it. When we do have sex it’s pretty good, but 90% of the time there’s no penetration and the frequency just doesn’t satisfy me.

I’ve honestly been feeling really depressed lately because of the lack of sex. No matter how many times he reassures me I still have a little nagging voice telling me that I’m not desirable, and being rejected constantly just makes it worse and it’s really affecting me. Everything else about our relationship is so perfect, and I really want him to be my life partner, he’s my other half.

I’ve been thinking about opening up our relationship as a solution for a few months. I think that being able to satisfy my sexual needs elsewhere could improve our relationship. It would be purely sexual, I have no desire for a romantic relationship with anyone else and I don’t think that kind of arrangement would work for us. I don’t even know for sure how I would feel about sleeping with other people since my bf is my first and only.

I’m scared to bring it up to him because I’m worried he’ll take it as me feeling like he’s not enough of a man or something like that when that’s definitely not the case. I just can’t fulfil my desires with solo stuff most of the time, because it’s not necessarily just an orgasm that I want, it’s the experience of sex.

Basically what I need advice on is: should I bring this up? If so, how do I do it in a way where I won’t hurt him and our relationship? If he says no that’s fine, but I’m worried our relationship would be permanently tainted by him thinking I’ll cheat or that he’s not enough.

TL:DR; in a great relationship but we barely ever have sex and I’m not satisfied. How do I bring up the idea of sex with other people without hurting my bf?

Just wanted to know what worked and what didn't work in your open relationship?

Hey there, me and my gf are both new-ish to polyamorous/open relationships and trying to find our way through the ins and outs.

I want to describe a situation that has recently occurred and would like to get some pointers if possible.

A while back, me and my gf went to a friend's house party. Once there I noticed a good-looking guy and had this gut feeling that my gf is going to be interested in this person, who is the best friend of a shared friend of ours. She proceeded to soon grab his butt near the pool. He later picked her up and threw her with himself in the pool. Moves I consider boundary-lowering actions "hey we've already been body to body wearing basically nothing". We spent some more time at the party. Then, trying to be a trusting partner I spent a few minutes away from her. When I got back the guy had her "playfully" tied up in a rope and was dragging her into the cellar bar, she was finding it very amusing. Shocked but trying not to look like an idiot, I, in front of like 5 people watching, tried to pull her back up the stairs but they kept going until he ended up tying her to a hook in the ceiling in the cellar. This will come up again later. The party ended, we went home and I tried not to think about it too much anymore.

My gf is a dance teacher for bachata, and the guy from the party then started showing up at her dance lessons, which I also attend. Again, I didn't think too much of it.

Then a week ago, me and the gf decided to go hang out with our friends at a friend's place for some pre-drinking. My gf then sat down on a couch and gestured for me to sit next to her, which I appreciated and proceeded to do that. In walks guy from previous party. He sits down on the bed. My gf gets up and sits next to him on the bed. I immeditately noticed a shift in both her attention and in the general mood between the two which I didn't appreciate. Reason 1 our rule of no involvement within our friend circle (which at this point he was clearly in [also she already had 2 exceptions, the host female friend who she has sex with and another female friend she had sex with but was somehow off limits for me "because she had wanted to sleep with her for longer"), reason 2 no flirting with others in front of the other out of respect, and reason 3 me wanting to enjoy an evening with her and friends without having to worry or think about who in the room she wants to have sex with. So what I did was get up and sit in between the two. Guy stands up, sits on a chair. Gf gets up, gets a chair, says "she needs to stretch a bit" and sits on a chair next to the guy. Except for me and the gf, everyone at the party was single, so it was like 6 single men, one female single friend of ours. We played a party version of jenga clearly meant for singles or people who agreed to this. The game played out in that the guy had to drink a body shot from my gfs belly button. Later they had to swap tops (my gf doesn't war bras) and she was basically about to just rip her top off and I hopped in and basically held my shirt in front of her to change into his sweater. The game ended and we went into a private bar to play some billard, when I got in a few minutes later, I went to pee earlier, my gf and the guy already formed a team but I was invited to play with them. At one point I then asked my gf and told her I would prefer she didn't take this guy home to which he basically told me not to worry and she won't. A bit later I was tired and went home. Next day she comes over to me (she lives basically next door) and says we need to talk. She goes on to tell me they had kissed after I had gone home and that she realized this was probably against our rules and that, after the fact, she had explained that to the guy.

I told her that I felt disrespected by her and by the other guy for just thinking it would be ok to just hit on somebody's partner (apparently somebody had informed him of our open relationship and that made him think everything goes) without asking first. As a consequence, I felt I could not attend this weeks bachata lessons without making myself look like an idiot by confronting the guy there about it and not being in a generally bad mood while trying to dance with people. So now I feel disrespected by my gf and this guy, I feel ignored at a party I went to with my gf who only had eyes for the other guy. I am also made to feel guilty about not seeming to be ok with an open relationsip after all. I also explained to her that I had that gut feeling the moment I saw the guy at the previous party and explained the situation with the tying her up and that it seemed super out of character for her to do as what I would call a strong independent women and that I was basically made to publicly fight for my girlfriend in a sick tug of war kind of game that I lost. She at first didn't want to believe that that was what was happening until I described it in detail. I then explained that from my experience, this is something some men do as a kind of domincance move, discrediting someone's male partner by demonstrating his "inferiority". The more I think about this one situation the more I realize how fucked up that was to do for someone, and by extension, my gf to entertain and partake the whole thing. The next thing was that all my gf later apologized for was that she had not talked about this being ok or not beforehand, to which I replied that even if them doing whatever they wanted would be ok by our rules, if this is actually something she would want in her life The example I give here was that at this party with the billard game we were in a room where there was her female friend she sleeps with, her other friend who she has an almost sexual relationship with and has cuddly sleepovers on a regular basis, her other friend who she would like to sleep with but can't because rules. So I said in addition to that room already being filled with people you have slept with or want to sleep with would I want to go to a party for a relaxing evening with friends and then not knowing who of the people there you go home tonight instead of me this time and then would we want to add yet another person, this person being the guy from the party, on top of this? She then said no that's not what she wants either.
But she also said that my move of sitting in between them obviously trying to signal that I was not ok with their flirting was an asshole move on my side and that she saw this as something that made her double down on her behaviour.

Anyway, I could use some input on things in general here. We both know and acknowledged that we made our mistakes at some points here (we both also agreed that the alcohol consumed, which was more than we had both intended, was an obvious influence here). I also don't know how to handle the bachata lessons from now on, I am not super keen of running into this guy any longer.

In addition there have been a quite a few situations in which I was unsure what was going on. It's been a pattern I recognized that we harmonize extremely well when we're spending time together, but whenever we're at a social gathering I seem to be getting 5% of my gfs attention at most. There was her birthday party in march of this year at her flat. A girl I liked showed up there, my gf ended up making out with her in front of me. In confusion I also gave that girl a small kiss on the lips, no tongue or anything, I was recently made to apologize again for doing this. Later, at the same party, she was making out with another female friend of hers. She had not even kissed me that evening. In another bout of seeking comfort or attention or love or anything I later went up to her and wanted to kiss her, she turned away, I immediately said goodbye and went home (rejection disphoria in full effect). This is also something I brought up again when we discussed the recent incident with the guy, that she had made out with him there and that she had made out at her birthday party with the two women and, being frustrated, I said "all you need to know is comparing all this to the times you have made out with me at one of these parties, which is zero".

Then there is the thing that I'm not really someone who has an easy time at picking up women, and not many women seem exactly interested in me, which makes my situation harder for us in general. On top of that whenever I do sense that there might be something that could happen I am very mindful to not make my partner feel awkward, bad or bring them into a situation that is really uncomfortable. Example 1: gf was at a bachata festival in Greece. There was a chance that someone might be interested in me but we were only officially meant to be doing a fotoshoot for her, still, I did speak with gf about the possibility. It turned out that a possible date for this to happen was one day after my gf would return home and I decided to postpone the photoshoot so as to have time for my gf and it not being uncomfortable. Meanwhile on her second to last day I had asked my gf to have a phone call with her as I missed her, she said she didn't have time. Turned out on that last day of her festival where she didn't have time for a phone call she did have time to sleep with a guy though. Example 2 recently: I had by chance seen someone on tinder (which I rarely ever open) who was looking for a bachata dance partner. I discussed with gf and we agreed this could be good as I also want to practice dancing and if more happens that could be good as well. We both then realized that this could lead to uncomfortable sitautions given the Bachata scene is relatively small and we would be meeting running into each other and we both would like to avoid this, so I stopped persuing this, the woman then unmatched me. So again in trying to be mindful of my partner I rejected an opportunity only for her now making out and wanting to sleep with one of her students, the guy from the story above, which has indeed made it very uncomfortable for me to attend her courses.

Thanks in advance and I apologize for the probably pretty weird structure of what I wrote. I blame it 50 % on my adhd brain and 50 % being absolutely confused by the situation at hand.

I'm wondering if this sort of thing exists, anything from dating centric events (think speed dating), to just casual meetups with other folks who identify as nonmonogamous. I've tried searching places like eventbrite but most things are kink-related and I'm not particularly kinky. Just ENM. I'm looking for friends or more but not trying to be pushy about anything.

I'm on dating apps like Feeld and have ENM on my Tinder profile but I want to try in person events, I prefer talking IRL to apps.

Anyone know of evets that match what I'm looking for? Or how to better search for them?

Fuuuuuuuck I’m so into this girl y’all. I’m a lady with a boyfriend and she’s a lady with a boyfriend and we date eachother. We started talking about 2 years ago, it was fantastic then too, she’s just my perfect gal, but we decided to end things because her boyfriend was feeling intimidated. Recently, we started talking again because she and her bf worked on their relationship and he knew how much I meant to her. We are clearly head over heels again but this time around we don’t spend as much time with eachother (maybe a boundary she created with her bf idk). This would be fine but she’s just a terrible texter and her responses are sooooo lame and not often flirty or cutesy. But when we’re in person it’s so absolutely clear that she’s so so so fucking into me. And fuck I’m sooooooo into her :’). I just saw her yesterday and now I cannot get her off my mind!!!! I just want her to give me some more words of affirmation but when I try to say things like “I miss you already”, she responds something not really related. But I mean it when I say she’s like obsessed w me too lol she makes it clear in person. I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt because she seems to have an easier time with not hanging as much than me and I’m over here nonstop thinking about her but I really don’t want to stop talking to her. I missed her so much when we stopped talking the first time but I don’t want to overstep and intimidate her bf again. I feel like this after every time I see her and then the feeling simmers down after a week or two, but it’s bad this time ugh my heart hurts. SOS how do I get this chick off my mind and go with the flow?????!

My (32M) current situation is that I have a FWBs (30F), or maybe we're a bit more than that, but we know we are not on the path towards comingling our lives (in the sense that we are hierarchically poly and are not going to be primary partners).

Neither of us have a primary partner at the moment. We've been dating for a little over year. My friends know about her, they know we've been friends with benefits up to this point. I just don't really talk about being poly, or non-monogamous. Even if it is kind of implied by the fact that I have a FWBs and am open to other dates.

My friends are all monogamous to my knowledge.

I hinted at the idea of bringing my FWBs to a function in a few weeks and one of my friends (female) kinda flipped out like "OMG WE FINALLY GET TO MEET HER?!?!?". This made me feel a bit weird and hesitant. Like, yes, you can meet her, it's not like she's some secret. But now it feels like it'll be viewed as a big step by taking her to this function and I did not want it to feel this way.

I'm not big on labels, I don't think it makes much of a difference whether I call her my FWBs, my date, my partner, my girlfriend, or whatever. But I think my friends see if differently.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice.

I was browsing this sub reddit and noticed that there are a lot of questions about one sided nonmonogamy or mono-poly or whatever you want to call it, with a lot of negative answers around it.

That makes sense, but it IS possible to have this sort of a relationship and have it be happy and fulfilling! That is only true though when the one sided nature is a CHOICE for the closed side. It cannot be a situation where the one sided nature is FORCED by the open partner.

For the past 7 years or so my wife and I have had a one sided relationship, and it's worked really well for us. She is more interested in being open, and I have no real interest in dating or being open myself. I've always like to focus my attention on one partner, but also love alone time so it works well for me and for her.

Even when it's a choice, it can still be difficult and takes two mature and unique people who can communicate well and are able to work together well.

Both sides need to be willing to either 1. be monogamous or 2. be completely open. It is definitely problematic if one side is UNWILLING to allow the other to be open. If they don't want the other side to be open, but want to be open themselves, that can be really tough and will cause conflict. The person initiating the openness either has to be willing to be totally open, or be totally closed. If the other partner chooses not to be open themselves, that can be totally fine - but the one sided nature has to be a choice.

Some people just don't want to be open, to go through the rigamarole of dating, to have to make new connections, to split their time/emotional energy, to take physical/emotional risks, or they may even just enjoy the one sided nature of the arrangement.

That said, there are also some potential red flags - if the person doesn't want to be open due to body image issues, self esteem issues, or other internal feelings, it can breed resentment and create a rift.

Lastly, these types of one sided open relationships shouldn't be written in stone and things should be fluid. We've done different iterations over time just depending on our situations in life. You need to be flexible and be willing to change the relationship structure if something isn't working!

Just don't be discouraged as you CAN find the right model for your unique relationship!

I'm pondering some things related to a FWB situation, and I'm really curious to know: what does romance mean to you?

In a structural way: Where is border for you between a FWB arrangement and a romance (casual or otherwise)? Are there specific activities, comms arrangements or other agreements that define the difference for you?

In a feelings way: in what way are your feelings different for a FWB than for someone you're romantic about (and still dating casually)? Are they always different, actually?

This isn't an advice request, I'm just really curious about what everyone else thinks about this.

So, I got involved with a guy in an open relationship. Of course, we both caught feelings. After a few months, he’s stated he’s had problems with his partner and is unsure of who he ultimately wants to be with. This indecision is obviously a bit of a “hope” factor but also has started to push me away as I don’t really want to be with someone that’s not sure about me either. It’s a bit sad because I do care about this guy, and I would like him to be with someone he’s happy with. We’ve formed a really close bond with each other. He’s currently traveling with the partner, and he’s revealed she’s not aware of the dynamic of our relationship at all… meaning they’re ok with “open” but I’m sure that the fact that’s he’s gotten so attached to me wouldn’t be acceptable in their relationship. They’ve been dating for less than a year but have been friends for years and have a don’t ask policy. I don’t think he’s completely happy in the relationship he’s in, and they’ve broken up while we were seeing each other. I brought up that I wasn’t ok with them traveling and would prefer us to be friends, but he’s told me he doesnt want us to be just ‘friends’, but I just don’t think the dynamic is working out for me anymore. I guess I’m looking for some insight or tips or what to do here? Idk maybe needed a good vent 😅

So I (30M) met this person (29F) 1 year ago through friends, and we started dating last month after realizing how much we enjoy each other's company.
One thing she recently told me though, that I did not expect, while she would want to develop a relationship with me, she cannot at all consider being ever exclusive.

After thinking a lot about it, I accepted. While I have (yet) a hard time imagining myself adopting a non-mongamous behavior, I really want to believe it's possible separating different kind of intimacy and be happy for the person you like to feel fulfilled with the freedom they need. And I've also always been curious of that kind of dynamic, because I've always felt like that being that confident in a relationship would mean so much.

Now that's my rational thinking and how I hope to respond that's talking. In practice... I feel like I'm asking stupid questions or not sure what I'm asking but... How to really "train" myself to detach this way ?
I feel like a lot of people decide to explore this way after having solid foundations, is starting a relationship directly in this mindset possible to lead to something solid ?
At the same time I think discussing a lot would definitely help, and at the same time I'm not sure I want to know when she's meeting other people.. I'm really curious but it's a bit scary as well

My girlfriend and I been together for 2 years. I had to move out of the country for my job about a year ago. During that year we both cheated on each other a couple times but our love for one another brought us back together and we're better than every now. However, lately I've been thinking about opening our relationship, mostly to satisfy the urge, but I feel like she wouldn't agree, especially since we're currently in a long distance relationship.
I know she would be open to have a one-sided open relationship where she can sleep with other guys but I can't. I wouldn't want that.
I'd like to hear some tips on how to bring up this topic with her. One thing I though about was letting her sleep with other guys first then after a month we will sit down and discuss opening it completely. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or tips.
I don't know if this is relative, but we both are very into bdsm. I'm a dom and she's a sub

TL;DR: My partner and I have been in a pretty tumultuous open relationship. We are 1 year engaged and they now want to be poly because they've met someone who meets many of the needs I am unable to. I feel like my choices are to walk away, OR tell them no and have them resent me, OR be poly under duress. Please help.

Okay, I've never done this before but I'm hoping to get some perspective from people experienced with poly relationships. This is also a doozy, so I appreciate you coming along for the ride. I offer a lot of background because I think it matters to have the full picture.

I'm a Cis man and my parter of 6 years is non-binary. We have been in an open relationship since the start of our relationship. We opened up the relationship quite early into our dating because they thought they were on the asexual spectrum. I should note that prior to this, both of us had only experienced monogamous relationships but in order to give them the room and space to come to sex at their pace, we opened up the relationship, mostly on my side. About 1.5 years into this we took a trip to San Francisco on the same weekend as Dore Alley. We went out of curiosity and this was when they realized the missing link for their sex was kink. Now I'm not a particularly kinky person but I was happy they were discovering this side of them. In the years that followed, we started to have challenges in the relationship for a variety of reasons. One was how much one wanted to know about the others' sex partners/FWB. They loved to share about the sex they were having whereas, that's not something I liked talking about. If I'm being honest, there was a part of me that was insecure about it because it felt like a reminder that my lack of interest in kink meant I was not meeting my partner's sexual needs. The other part was the fact that in gay spaces (my partner identified as male at the time), my partner would be considered the more conventionally attractive one. They are very attractive, white-passing latinx with a more slender build and I'm a black man with a little extra softeness. It was not uncommon for us to be watching a movie while they were talking to guys on grindr most of the time. It certainly was a blow to my self-esteem (which I know I have to work on in counselling).

This period of their new-found sexual identity unfortunately coincided with a big shift in my life. I started going to medical school which came with a lot of personal challenge and increasing demands on my time, I was dealing with emotional stuff that comes with being queer and having evangelical christian parents, and then my mother died. With all these stressors, my libido tanked. Understandably this led to frustration for my partner because my low libido meant I de-prioritized our sex life. When we DID have sex, it tended to be hit or miss. There were great times and then there were other times where if felt one sided, like I was only doing it so they would not blow up at me about our lack of sex. I watched myself becoming less and less interested in sex and them craving it more. There were literally days where we would wake up and they would leave for a quickie first thing in the morning. Not sex-shaming, just stating facts. To keep a long story short, I stopped wanting to have sex with them because I found sex with them to be a stressful thing. After an ultimatum about them leaving if our sex life did not change, and with heavy suggestion from them, I decided to get my testosterone levels checked and was told my levels were at the lower end of normal (but not abnormal). In the hopes of making things better/easier, I started injecting myself with testosterone and taking ED pills in order increase my libido to meet them partway. We unfortunately fell off the therapy wagon because this seemed to "solved the problem"

I should also mention that during this tumultuous time, my partner came out as non-binary and started taking hormones to feel more at home in their body, which i supported, despite it being a big change for me. Since they transitioned they've become a lot more reasonable, more patient and certainly less sexually impulsive and not pressuring me for sex. This gave me the breathing room to only have sex if I was feeling like it. We got engaged last year and our relationship remained open. Early this year, they met this trans guy (let's call him Jose) that shares a lot of their same interests including cultural background and language. Things were going well until early this year were we had a bad role-play experience which let to the most explosive fight we had. We resumed therapy after that and continued to learn about each other. In one of our sessions they that told me that if there is any of their FWB I needed to be threatened by it was Jose, because he is able to go along a lot easier with my partner's suggestions in bed. They later apologized for that but I started noticing Jose spending a lot of time at our place. I just chalked it up to the fact that my partner was unemployed and Jose works from home, so it was just two friends (who sometimes fuck) hanging out while i was at work (which was a lot). I agreed to let Jose stay over sometimes when I had to be in the hospital overnight, but I started noticing an increase in the frequency of asks. After some time my partner and I discussed it and I told them that I wanted to see less of Jose, so I did not want to see him in our place when I come home from work. My partner agree but then asked if it would be okay for them to spend a night a week at Jose's place. Maybe I'm incredibly naive but this was when it clicked that there was something more here. I took stock of my partners needs and could see that this was a special frienship. Like they fact they are both trans, from the same country, speak the same language and share a lot of the same niche interests, I did not want to take this friendship away from them. So I agreed to this new configuration that breached the boundaries of our open relationship, only because of who it was.

After a couple of months of this configuration, my partner has now told me that they thing they are poly and want to date Jose. I don't know how putting the label of boyfriend on Jose is going to change what is already a poly-esque arrangement. I don't know what it means for our relationship and what it would look like when we get married. Will we need to be negotiating with Jose in mind if one of us needs to move for a job for example? I don't know....but what I know is that for someone who values consistency, there has been so much change in my partner of 6 years that I am in a constant state of hypervigilance about what else is coming. I am now re-evaluating the relationship because I can barely handle one relationship and I'm not sure how a one-sided poly relationship could work. I am also worried about saying no because they've said that no matter my answer, they will still want this person in their life, and I do not want to deal with being resented for taking something special away from them.

Please help...

Hi, my (M30) fiance (F29) and I are interested in playing outside of the relationship and aren’t really sure where to start. We’ve already had a good chat about boundaries and what each of us would/wouldn’t be comfortable with. We have a really strong relationship and can communicate our feelings to each other easily. Neither of us are interested in romantic encounters outside of our relationship, it would purely be casual/playful. We are aware that there are challenges associated with starting out and wondered if there was any sage advice you could offer? And how do you even go about starting? Any tips or words of wisdom appreciated.

I (25)m and my wife (24)f have been married for 5 years. We’ve been together since senior year of high school. She recently has said she has been unhappy with our sex life. Like something is missing, I have always tried new things whatever she wanted really. We have kids so time for the bedroom is limited, as well as date nights are hard to come by. We are very busy with work and school as well. She is set to deploy with the army next year as well.

She recently said she loves me and the kids and just maybe wishes it had all happened later in her life. She doesn’t want to jeopardize our marriage or family. But wants to try consensually having sex with other partners. She is bi and i didn’t want to shut down part of her sexual identity, as I initially thought it was wanting to experiment with women as she never really has has a chance too. She had made clear she was interested in experimenting with men and women now. I don’t share her feelings really, she is the only woman I want to be with and anytime I even think about another woman all i can think about how they aren’t my wife. So why would I want to be with them. She is the most important person in my life and i love her more than anything and just want to make her happy. But the thought of having to share her with others makes my heart ache. Like maybe i’m not doing enough, she has said that’s not true when i brought this up to her. If she does it I feel like i would have to try it just to be “even” with her and i don’t want that. I want to make her happy but don’t know if i could do full consensual non monogamy. We are going to book an appointment to talk to a professional. But is there a compromise? somewhere in between monogamy and consensual non monogamy? I just don’t want her to resent me 10 years later?

I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her and she says she wants the same thing.

I'm M37, married the better part of a decade.

My wife and I opened up our relationship about a year ago. I've maintained the same 4 fwb almost all of this year. At first, there was a lot of texting between dates. Presently, somehow, all of them have fallen into the same pattern. We text briefly once per week and meet up to fuck about once per month. And most of us (that is, 3 of my 4 fwb, my wife, and 2 of my wife's fwbs) meet at a fetish event about once per month.

I'm no lover of texting. But I do long for texts. Not because I anticipate a scintillating conversation, but because of the reassurance that someone is still interested.

In monogamy, one typically escalates a relationship over time. And you get a lot more time with someone.

How do I not care? How do I allow myself to believe that a fwb of nearly a year is at least unlikely to suddenly leave my life?