Hi everyone! My partner and I have got on Feeld but we haven't played with anyone yet. One thing we are wondering is in regards to sexual health. A blood test will take a few days for the results, and unfortunately we left it to the last minute. We got tested over a year ago and we haven't been with anyone outside the relationship, we've been together for over 3 years, so we know we are clean. Of course other people can't just take our word for it.

Would a home kit be good enough? Or do you still find it hard to trust them?

I’m new to ENM, in an open relationship. I’ve really been enjoying it. The first time I hooked up with another woman and drove home feeling all of the exhilaration and only a vestigial twinge of guilt was so liberating.

One thing I didn’t expect though is that I almost always feel this intense desire to run back to my partner and cuddle after sexual encounters. I just miss her so much until I see her again. She doesn’t particularly want to hear about the encounters (she said don’t ask don’t tell, but sometimes she asks and whenever we do talk about it I see the waves of jealousy and then compersion wash over her). But even though it’s never the first thing we talk about or we sometimes avoid it altogether, I just find myself missing her and appreciating her so much.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else experiences this? It seems like in me I have the opposite reaction to the one that traditional partners worry their partners will have if they sleep with someone else.

We broke up in 2021 and it was mutual. Just not compatible romanitcally/in life but definitely compatible sexually which is why we dated for 3.5 years.

We've loosely stayed in touch but i got into a relationship a few months after we broke up and i hung out with him once during that relationship platonically-just hung out and watched tv but he sat real close and it kinda seemed like he wanted to fuck but i was in a closed relationship so it didnt happen. After that i did not hear much from him. He was not in a relationship at that time.

We are gay so i will see him on scruff occasionally so i know he is in an open relationship and has been for i think a few years now. I will typically block him though since its a bit awkward to see exes on scruff lol.

Would it be weird if i reached out to him and see how he's doing/ if he would wana hangout possibly sexually? Obviously want to check with him on the terms of his open relationship, as i know some exes are off limits. Like i said we dated for a while but were just not compatible and i know neither would have any feelings besides wanting to fuck.

It's been tough finding normal guys on these apps that are not weird or idiots so thats kinda why i was debating resorting to this

Hey all, my wife and I have recently started journeying into ENM, and we’re starting the process by only chatting and sexting with strangers. Are there any apps that specifically let you swipe or chat with people regardless of their distance to you?

This is a big one, but I’m going to try and make it concise. (As much as I can.)

TL;DR My parter (we’re married for 10+ yrs) decided he wants to get back into an open relationship. We have been closed off for about 4 years due to our last NM situation where things got out of control and I ended up going outside of our original agreement.

Now, we have been “vanilla” for a few years and I knew he wanted more but I wanted our relationship to be in a GREAT PLACE before we dove in.

He dove in without me knowing. He came clean and said he wanted to meet someone. I agreed bc I knew he was needing connection.

Now, he is wanting to pursue what having a D/s relationship with this person might be.

I know I messed up originally, but he won’t even have a conversation around consent without getting extremely upset and saying that I’m trying to control him.

I’m out of my mind and just do not know what to do.

#pleasehelp #bdsm #nonmonogamy

Made a post here a while back and the advice was very helpful.

I was a virgin when I met my wife and she had some, but not very much, sexual experience before me. Our relationship has involved a lot of exploration and experimentation.

My best friend from childhood is poly and consequently is much more experienced than either of us. Before marriage, my wife and my friend started conversing on Facebook. It started normally but slowly over time became more sexually charged.

They both checked in with me every time they escalated to racier things and it veered more into what would be considered inappropriate in a monogamous relationship.

This week their chats reached new levels. They started a game of truth or dare which resulted in her sending him nudes and some low key sexting (which I asked them to pump the brakes on as I'm not ready to go there yet but was pretty hot).

Last night his dare was for us to try something in bed we both had as a soft boundary and I don't know if it was the act itself or his tangential participation in our bedroom but it was some of the best sex we've ever had.

I'm starting to think I have a hotwife kink of some kind. We're miles away from considering sex with others but as someone who waited until 33 to lose their virginity to make sure it was to "the one" I knew I would marry, my opinions, boundaries, and expectations in this monogamous relationship have shifted drastically and towards something very enjoyable that I thought I'd never be ok with.

Most stories I read on reddit involve one partner broaching the concept of ENM to the other and encountering reluctance. Is it common for things to just evolve naturally?

I've been using Tinder in NYC (as well as Feeld) and I have my search settings set to look for folks with ENM as their relationship type. However the app shows me more people without it than with it. This is frustrating as I'm not really willing to even engage with someone who doesn't have it as an option in their relationship types.

I pay for the Tinder Platinum (please reserve your judgement) so you'd think it'd give me this option and yet it doesn't seem like it. Unless I'm missing something?

I (21M) have been seeing this girl(20) for a little over a month now. We’ve spent a lot of time together and are talking about seeing each other more seriously but there’s one problem we both see. She wants something more open and I’ve never done that before.

Over the last month she’s slept with her casual partner a few times. She told me this going into it and I went into this fully knowing what was going on. She’s been super honest and communicative which I really appreciate. The problem comes in when I feel inadequate. I’m not new to sex but I’m definitely not as experienced as she is. I’m also not particularly well endowed but I’m not suffering on that front. Except for one thing, I’m not girthy enough for her. At least not as much as she’s used to recently. I’m very thankful for her honesty and I’m looking into sleeves and anything else I can try to accommodate her more but I still feel shitty about it.

From my perspective, even though the sex isn’t 100% perfect for me 100% of the time, the relationship is more than worth commitment to her. At this point it would be difficult for me to explore other options but I think if we really are going to work I need to do that for myself just so it’s not one sided. She says that she wants to be with me and really values me and our relationship. Outside of sex she has done a lot for me that I really appreciate and is super meaningful. I’m just worried about if I feel betrayed or inadequate that it will compromise the integrity of the relationship from the start.

I should also mention she’s shared with me that she had no problem being exclusive with her ex which doesn’t make me feel any better. She says the way that things went with him is a big reason she’s not okay with exclusivity right now but there is also the fact that he was bigger than me.

How should I go about navigating this kind of relationship for the first time? We’ve been communicating but at this point there’s nothing she can really say to make me feel better, I need to figure it out on my own.

Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you.

So my gf and I 32M, 32F have been together for almost 9 years. We have a semi-open relationship. Right now we either play with other women together or she's free to play with women by herself. We've had theesome together and she recently made out with a coworker but that's about as far as things have gone. A few the conversation about an open relationship came up organically. This isn't something that I was going to bring up because she has a lot going on. Her mom just recieved a diagnosis of terminal COPD. But when the topic came up, she asked me if it was something I wanted I admitted yes. I don't feel 100% monogamous even though I still love her with everything and want her as my forever person. She seemed receptive to the idea, wanting to talk about boundaries and such. And honestly? I was kind of elated. I felt heard. I felt seen. I don't really know what I would want from this kind of scenario, but I do know that I was excited to start ironing out the details to see what would work for the both of us.

Well a few days later we're talking on the phone and things started to spiral. She said that she felt like there must be something that she can't provide if I'm looking to date other people. She's afraid that I'll fall in love with someone. She felt like that we should just take a break and now that the thought has been put in her head, it's yet another unknown she has to deal with. She said she feels stupid for waiting almost a decade for a proposal (side note: we both live with our parents. We havent been able to afford rent, her mom is sick with terminal COPD and she hasn't wanted to leave yet, etc).

We're going to see a counselor soon, but this just kind of hurts. I never said that there was anyone I wanted to run off with, date, or have sex with. But merely expressing the idea has been received in a way that made me feel like I can't be honest with someone who I love with all my heart. I don't know what i want. I love HER but I also want the freedom to just merely engage with someone that I connect with on a different level.

I (33m) and my gf (24f) have been together for going on 2 years. We have a bit of an age gap that's not too substantial on our physical bodies however it does a little on maturity. However I have been very patient with her and understanding of her needs. Tonight she told she was comfortable enough to ask me if we could explore an open relationship. Her reasoning is that she has something to fulfill with an old crush that was almost a thing but never took off. Personally before I had met her I was totally fine with nonmon but we decided to close off our relationship for practical and I guess you could say "getting to know each other deeper" reasons. Which i will admit I'm in love with her deeply. My real reason being here is that I feel weird about it. On one hand, fuck yeah. I can do what I used to do before we met. And experience every part of life. On the other..... I guess well I feel im truly unprepared and a little off put by the idea of looking for partners. But I also do know that I'm good at it. Help.... I feel like a paradox. I want it but I don't but I don't want to lose that chance...... wtf......

Me (nb 25year old female bodied person) broken up with 28 y/o cis man. I've previously posted on the polyamory subreddit.

I'm coming here for vent support & to hear from others who have successfully left abusive relationships. I am polyamorous & prefer to share relationship tea in the group for like-minded care, though this story is mostly about leaving a toxic person.

Beyond this man convincing me to enter a OPP while asking if he could date other women, lie to me about other women he was talking to, break numerous agreements, I've come to terms with a lot of his crazy past & traits I previously didnt want to admit were true. I was in love. It was not worth it.

I have a friend who says "what are the things you aren't telling me?" As a guide post to relationships. Here are those things.

Backstory:

• He had a 12+ year porn addiction, where he lied to partners & went on severe binges.

• He used to kill animals as a young child, 8-10 years old, mostly baby animals.

• When the killing ended, he began a porn addiction.

• He is an incredibly meticulous, clean, organized person.

• He is incredibly charming, socially adaptive, clever, seemingly very normal & skilled person.

• He would talk about dogs with extremity, saying they are worthless creatures & a drain on society. (I even went to a best friends dogs funeral & the next day I saw him & he called dogs worthless).

• Once he was very sick before I flew overseas to do my dream program, I asked him to take covid tests & share them with me. He lied to me about his results because he wanted to spend time with me & didnt tell me until months later.

• At the beginning of our relationship, he looked me in the eyes and told me he would never lie to me. He then showered me in adoration, love, connection.

• He was very jealous of my cismen best friend who I consider a life partner and had a previously romantic relationship with. He did not want me to have a relationship with this person.

Without sharing every story, he lied & hid things from me, broke agreements, used NVC language to control me, asked me for a OPP and hierarchical relationship, e.t.c.

I've just initiated no contact, which he tried right away to break. I told him I would connect with him in 3+ months to sort our stuff, and that I would need accountability for the control & lying.

When I shared his backstory with my sister, she shared from her extensive listening to murder podcasts, this is a textbook man that would be investigated.

Though I dont think he's a physically dangerous person, I do believe I was in an emotionally & mentally abusive & exploitative relationship that had the potential for domestic violence.

As well, I have no depth of knowledge of the psychology of porn addiction. From what I understand is that it's very different from substances & I'm not shaming this at all.

Obviously, I'm no psychologist, nor am I asking others to be. I'm really hurt, shocked & venting, realizing how fucked up this all is in retrospect, and wanting community to share my story with.

Has anyone ever dated someone with a similar backstory or tendencies?

Resources to know the difference between falling in love & love bombing?

What could healing look like?

Why the fuck do we ignore red flags where in NRE & HOW do I not let NRE take over in the future?

Phew. Made it out alive, though scabbed and bruised. I am grateful to my friends who loved me out of this relationship.

I’m reading “What is Compersion” by Marie Thouin as well as having listened to a lot of the podcast interviews she did for the launch, and I need to vent: I hate the word “Comperstruggle”.

It’s a word coined by her and Joli Hamilton to describe when a person feels pulled between jealousy and compersion, and I can only say that this is an instance where more words are better than a label. Comperstruggle is a horrible word. It’s long, ugly, and doesn’t easily convey what it’s about. Sorry, Marie and Joli, this word is just not going to catch on. I hope!

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

*Not sure about the flair, but as the name comes from Thuin’s studies on compersion, I gave it a go.

Hi I'm pretty new with Reddit and just wanted to introduce myself in this community. My wife and I opened our relationship about a year ago, January 2024. So far we've wrote a contract of everything we both want to see and need in this and so far it's been going good. I was wondering if there was anyone from Colorado and it there any communities related here. Thanks and I've been trying to read some posts and learn from everyone's experience!

Hello, I’m (38f) is in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating for 2 yrs. It’s my first relationship with a man. Previously, I’ve only been in LTR m with 2 other women, and a few shorter ones here and there, flings, and a handful of hookups throughout my 20s and 30s.

Before I considered a relationship with John I told him outright dating a man was new to me and I have serious interest in ENM. He knows my relationship/dating history thoroughly because he was around when I was with my domestic partner (f).

I agreed that we would take things slow, build trust, love and support for each other before opening things up. It’s been 2 yrs, we have discussed boundaries, not in detail but touched the topic of ENM and what it would look like. He is an incredible person and I can tell timing isn’t right for me to become “available” actively looking for connection with women (only women). However, my natural impulses and desires are growing increasingly stronger for female intimacy. Not necessarily emotional intimacy … mostly sex. I’m completely fulfilled, connected and in love my boyfriend. It’s just the other part of me has been neglected for too long.

Do I wait and let ENM happen organically? Or do I tell him, “hey my love and want to date?” I guess my fear is HE is not ready, although I told him of this request before we committed to each other. I almost feel like he thinks I would eventually forget….and maybe I would stick to our very heteronormative monogamous relationship style and settle in. Ahhhh, I don’t want to ruin what feels really good between us. Plus dating with a male partner isn’t easy.

Lately, my bisexuality is so activated, like being with a woman is forbidden fruit and my goodness do I want a taste.

I (F29) have been with my partner (35 M, lets call him Mike), for almost 10 years. Always agreed on theoretically opening the relationship in the future, but just had some threesomes (females only, mostly for him). I fell for a co-worker. Pursuing him because I believed I'll have permission. After we kissed I brought it up with Mike (to set up rules) and he said no. He took this as cheating. Its been 5 months of recovering and trying to rebuild trust. Its going well but:

1. Mike says non monogamy is off the table. At least for now.
2. I still want to explore sexually outside the relationship. Ive been with only one man before mike and feel like I'm missing part of life..
3. I still have strong feelings towords the co worker, which i see twice a week.

Should I stay in a close relationship even though I want ENM? can it succeed or is it doomed to end with me cheating? I also fear the strong feelings I have towords the co worker (mutual) mean this is something I must explore and I shouldn't dismiss it. As I am currently trying to do. I never felt like this before and would love some advice.. I find myself considering cheating (at least to verify if its real or will it pass afterwards) but it goes against my morals. I hate that I was honest of wanting ENM and now considering cheating.. Would appreciate any advice

Not open yet but, I do have questions hope this is a good place to ask.

Wife is only into women and I am straight. We have sex but I know she will want to pursue that with women eventually. I am open to an open relationship, are there situations where this can work for us?

Hi,

my gf and I have been in a relationship for many years now and we agreed that it would be positive if we could have some fun with others while we stay as a couple as it were. So, basically we opened our relationship up with boundaries we discussed before. She (~30) got some fun and seemed really happy about it, which I thought was great. I (~30) also would like to find someone to have some fun with, but I feel like it is difficult. How do you usually do that? I am a bit scared that friends/family would discover me/her on a dating app and take it the wrong way. Even then, a lot of people on say Tinder would probably not be fine with someone only looking for some fun and having a partner already? I tried finding advice on this, but did not really succeed. We are also new to this, so forgive me for probably not knowing a lot there is to know about all this. If that makes any difference, we are in Scandinavia. Things often work differently on different continents :)

As an monogamous person I had some thoughts after being exposed more to enm. In my impression the single person being in an sexual relationship with a person in an open relationship is always in a disadvantage. Since the person in an open relationship has a "safety net", what I mean the sexual and emotional needs are always met by the primary partner. The single person doesn't have that. Regardless if the nature of relationship has been communicated., the person in an open relationship and the single person will always have a different level of interest and therefore different expectations. The single person will be always more vulnerable. That can be counteracted by the person in an open relationship by being aware of this powerdynamic and communicating more openly and being more empathic. But this won't be given most of the time since the person in an open relationship, will feel it is enough to communicate that the relationship is purely sexual and will be less inclined to be empathic and to communicate proactively and open since they are naturally more emotionally distant. These are just my thoughts. I would like to hear what u guys think about that?

Gosh, how do I word this without seeming creepy? I have ‘vibe’ my friends who are a couple might be non-monogamous? I smoke a lotta weed, but I was considering something. My buddy who’s single has said things like “you’re really fucking beautiful “ in front of both of them, to the female friend, and he didn’t seem to mind? Granted drunk, but still. I told my buddy who’s in the relationship that some girl was coming onto me, she was hot, and she said to bring her next time we all hang out. How do I propose swapping partners for a night? Do you think I even have a chance?

Hey ya’ll. I’m feel really physically anxious right now and I can’t seem to convince my body that it’s safe. My long distance boyfriend of 2+ years who I am in an open relationship with recently started seeing someone new. She’s a coworker so they work together multiple nights a week, they are in the same friend group and now they are hooking up. It’s definitely more intertwined that any relationship either of us have had up to this point. We’ve both hooked up with other people in the past and he’s struggled with it so much so that I’ve found myself not seeing anyone for the past year for fear of creating issues in the relationship. This isn’t something he asked me to do but his overwhelmingly negative response often felt like too much for me to handle and I didn’t want to get anyone else involved because I felt like I would likely end up having end things abruptly to prioritize my primary relationship. However all this time my partner has been very adamant that he want this relationship and does want it to be open. As for his hook up history he’s had a few ONS here and there and has had some experiences with other close friends although none of them went very far. I know he wants something more consistent which is what this new FWB is. I have had succesful open relationships in the past but none this serious. For some reason my body us responding with extreme anxiety at this new situation even though logiclly I'm not totally sure why. I've been nauseated to the point of throwing up multiple times in the past couple weeks. My heart races and my whole body feels cold. No amount of journaling, meditation, excersise, or time with my friends has helped. I’ve met her and she great and I really liked her but it still didn’t ease my anxiety. What feels worse is that my partner is very upset that I’m having a hard time with this. He has accused me of not wanting non monogamy and says that my anxiety is making him anxious. I feel really bad because he’s right in that I am the one with more experience in non monogamy (we started the relationship open but only because I was very transparent from the jump that it was what I wanted) and this is really making me scared that I’m one of those awful manipulative people who wants only wants non monogamy for myself and can’t handle it when their partner starts seeing other people. He also has already started and ended things with this person twice (not at my request) initially because he said it was too hard to hu with a coworker but later dropped that it’s because my response has made him to anxious. What can I do to get my body to stop acting like this is a life or death situation. I really want to be supportive of this new relationship but it’s so hard to when it’s sending me into this much of a pit of anxiety.

Hello just wanted advice on this, my partner and I have been in an open relationship for a year, and at the beginning of the relationship I said we could eventually close down the line if we both mutually agreed to it.

Now he’s ready to close the relationship but I don’t think I’m ready. He hasn’t really slept with people outside of our relationship since we’ve gotten together and he said that me hooking up with others makes him jealous. I don’t want him to feel that way but I also don’t feel 100% ready to close the relationship, does anyone have advice on the matter?

Hey all, I am working through some things right now and just wanted to get some advice on how I can improve my communication in the future.

My Primary Partner and I are married with 3 kids and started an ENM lifestyle a little over a year ago. We have both dated other people but have not had any serious relationships that lasted more than 2-3 months. Shortly after we became ENM my PP started a long distance relationship with an online friend she had known for a little while. They have been "dating" long distance for the last year and I have had no problems with this. He lives literally in another country on the other side of the world and they had never met in person until this week. He decided to book a flight out here to see her and when asked we agreed that he could stay in our guest bedroom for the trip. Unknown to me when I agreed, was that he was planning to stay with us for 3 weeks.

Flash forward a week later from him getting here and things have been going well. She is really getting along well with him and enjoying getting to know this person she has talked to online for so long in person.

Here is where the issue arises. I have started to speak up with some frustrations, because during the last week, I have not had any 1:1 time with my PP. As soon as we get out of bed she is spending time with him and he is so shy and awkward that he doesn't ever even speak to me so I just feel like the extra wheel. In the evening we will take care of dinner/kids/bedtimes and as soon as the kids go to bed her and him disappear off to his room. Typically she will come back to my room hours later, get into bed, and be asleep within 5 minutes.

I get that NRE is really strong right now and there is a lot of excitement around exploring that connection, but we got 1 week in and it seemed like if I didn't say anything it would continue for the next 2 weeks. In an effort to take matters into my own hands I have taken on 100% of household chores while the 2 of them are together (Typically my partner is a SAHM and handles 60%-70% of the housework while I handle the rest after I am done working). I had hoped that if I took that load off her shoulders it would free up time so there would be enough to go around. Granted I never communicated this plan or desire, I just blindly hoped. All that has done has allowed her and him to spend more time together. I communicated on Sunday morning that I felt like I needed her to set boundaries with him and make sure he understood that she is unable to spend all of her time with him. I told her she needs time with both of them, time for just herself, and some time for just the two of us. I took the kids out that day to the grandparents house and left them with the whole day together so she could spend time with him and have that conversation.

Since that conversation happened I have not noticed any real changes. Yesterday I dropped repeated obvious hints that I wanted to spend time with her that night and was continually brushed off (I am not talking vague hints, things like bringing up a show that came out and saying we should watch it together tonight, Finding a bottle of lotion we thought we had lost and bringing up that I could give her a back rub with it that night, etc.)

Once she finally came to bed last night I let her know that I was unhappy that I was the priority that was being dropped in her life right now. She feels that I have never been needy about wanting to spend extra time together and that this is just jealousy on my part because he is staying with us. She keeps telling me that this isn't a long term thing and that he will go home in 2 weeks and she just wants him to have a good trip and feel like they got as much time together as they could during that time. I let her know it is in no way a jealousy thing, but she cannot just alternate being in 1 relationship at a time. that even while he is here she still needs to be present in our relationship. I suggested that I don't need a lot, but even a communication of 1 night a week that could be just the two of us would go a long way. This conversation caused some high emotions as she felt I was making her choose between the two of them and making her feel guilty for being happy with him right now. She also pointed out that the few nights before he had arrived in town I had been up late playing video games and she had gone to bed without me each of those nights, so in her mind, I had my chance to spend time with her before he got here which reenforces the jealousy story in her mind.

To make sure she isn't left out here I want to add a few other things she brought up. She mentioned that she has been thanking me every time she gets for everything I have been doing to take work off of her shoulders this last week. She also mentioned that we have had multiple little moments throughout the week such as: coming up behind me while I am making dinner to give me a hug or a kiss or a compliment, when we are in another room where he is not pulling me aside and having little moments together before him or the kids find us. She feels that just because she doesn't spend an entire evening with me it is unfair to dismiss all those little moments, as in her mind those should still add up.

I need a reality check here. am I being jealous/needy/unfair here? Do I need to do some self-reflection/growth for the next 2 weeks here? or is my expectation reasonable?

Hey everyone,

I’m still trying to process everything that happened, and honestly, I don’t know where else to turn. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years, “Alex,” and it feels like my whole world has been turned upside down. I can’t tell if I’m grieving her, the relationship, or just feeling completely used. I’m hoping sharing the full story might bring some clarity, and maybe some advice, because I feel like I’m drowning.

Alex and I were deeply in love (at least I thought so). I was the one who helped her find stability—emotionally and professionally. She was working a job she hated when we met, and over time, I helped her transition to a better position. We moved in together a year and a half ago, and I really thought we were building a life together. But a few months back, she told me she didn’t feel “monogamous” and that she wanted to open the relationship. She’d come out to me as bisexual early on, but her justification for opening up wasn’t about exploring her sexuality; it was about needing a non-monogamous relationship to feel fulfilled.

I was upfront with her from the beginning that I preferred monogamy, but she turned it into an ultimatum. Either we opened the relationship, or she would feel trapped. I loved her deeply, so I reluctantly agreed, trying to compromise. We decided that both of us could pursue relationships with other women only, since I’m straight and felt more comfortable with her being with other women rather than other men. I wasn’t interested in pursuing anyone, but it felt like the least painful option compared to losing her. We agreed that it could potentially expand to all genders in the future, depending on my comfort level.

In a matter of weeks, Alex started dating a woman named “Megan.” Almost immediately, I could tell things were different. She was emotionally invested, and the dynamic between us shifted. It was like I’d lost her, even though we were technically still together. She spent a lot of time with Megan, and I tried to be understanding, but deep down, it hurt. I felt sidelined in my own relationship. My worst fears were confirmed when Alex finally told me she realized she’s lesbian and that she wants to be with Megan. We broke up last Saturday, and she moved out shortly after.

Since then, I’ve been left with this overwhelming feeling that I was just a stepping stone. I feel like I gave her stability, love, and support, only for her to figure out her identity and leave me behind. It’s like everything I invested in our relationship was all for her to ultimately find herself and move on without me. I understand that sexuality is complex, and I’m not angry with her for coming to this realization. But it feels incredibly unfair to have been brought along for this journey, only to be abandoned at the end of it.

I know I should be focusing on moving forward, but there’s this lingering bitterness and hurt. I can’t shake the feeling that I was just a phase in her life, something to discard once she discovered who she really is. Part of me wants her to understand the pain she put me through, but I don’t know if confronting her would even help.

If anyone’s been through something similar or has any advice on how to truly let go, I’d be so grateful. Right now, I’m caught between anger, sadness, and this hollow emptiness that I can’t seem to fill. Thanks for reading.

Hi, i'm (m 37) in a 10 years relationship with my wife (f 43) and started up as monogamous because it was the default and I had no idea that I could have a different kind of relationship although I would have loved a nonmonogamous one but I had no idea that that could be a posibility back then.

So anyway we got married after one year of relationship and started the whole relationship escalator stuff. After 3 years we had a bought an apartment and had a child.

Starting with the second year of our relationship I started to feel anxious about this relationship although there apeard to be nothing wrong with it, but I would later find out that I wasn't actually being myself and was keeping silent about my needs and wants. I was to focused following a social script. But I was actually craving for more openess and frank talk about nonmonogamy (since I had no idea that you could be poly) and kink.

Being in a monogamous vanilla relationship wasn't actually my thing and I was realy afraid to admit that to myself. I was also religious and I felt that I was betraying God. So yeah, after we had the baby and had very few time for ourselves we started to become more estranged from one another and I started reading on the internet about open relationships, polyamory, kink etc.

I tried to talk to my wife about these things but she shut me down really fast and said she isn't interested and does not want to talk about it. So I started to explore and read on my own until I found a woman and started cheating my wife with her. I felt like crap during this whole cheating faze, I didn't feel more alive as some people feel, I felt like a scumbag, a lousy husband and lousy father and grew very depressed and my wife found out about it. I went into therapy, my wife said she forgives me and wants us to be monogamous. I tried that but told her that I would be betraying myself in a monogamous relationship.

So I told her that I want to be in a polyamorous relationship with someone else. I had no one in mind in particular. So we broke up for like 2 and a half years or smth. We stood in the same house for the sake of the child and since I couldn't afford to pay rent and child support. We were roomates all this time. I was alone and did not have any relationships or casual sex and was invested in raising the child. I was feeling lonely but at least I was free and I liked that.

FFW a couple of months ago it just happened to find myself alone with her one night and we both felt really vulnerable and horny and she asked me why don't I want to get back to her. I told her that I value freedom, autonomy and relationships that are not based on a prescribed traditional script. I told her that I want communication, non-monogamy and even polyamory in the future.

She said she would like us to have an open relationship where she will be mono but first she wants us to reconnect in our relationship. She didn't want to talk more about how she sees that ``open relationship`` and said we'll talk the days to come. We were both really horny and made sex.

Couple of days and weeks pass and I try to talk to her about our relationship and how she sees it. Was trying to communicate my needs and wants and said that I'm willing to listen to her view, her needs and her wants. Problem is that in everyone of these talks she was always rushing me and shut me down and said that I'm pissing her of with talk about non-monogamy and polyamory.

I told her about that night and what she said about the foundations of our new relationship and told me that she does not want that in the near future and if I want to have sex with someone else I don't have to tell her. I told her that i'm not comfortable with this type of arangement and I want us to talk freely and stuff. She said something evasive like yeah sure we'll talk but she still acts disturbed everytime I want to talk about our relationship.

I don't know what to do since I don't like this whole situation and I feel like I'm pressuring her, but don't want that but on the other hand she said she willingly said she wants to be in an open relationship with me. Was thinking of couple's therapy but she says that a poly friendly therapist would be byased and pick my side and ``give me justice`` and she wants someone that is ``objective``. So.... in the end....what should I do next since I feel really sad, heartbroken, lonely and disappointed.

So, long story from the beginning. I (M39), confessed to my wife (36F), we’ve been married 13 years, together 18 years, and have only ever had sex with each other, about hotwife fantasies I had about two years ago, she was super surprised by this, as I’ve never mentioned anything like this to her before. She spent some time thinking about it, I never really pressured her about it or anything. She was caught off guard with it, did ask why I had interest in it to better understand where I was coming from and why, and did her own research on it. It eventually did get added in the bedroom via dirty talk/roll play, and we both seemed to enjoy it. After about a year or so, (maybe 6 months ago) I thought I would be comfortable enough for her to actually pursue it, and told her so. She is a very extroverted person, she does go out 1, maybe 2 times a week with some friends, while I’m very introverted, and much rather stay at home and not deal with big crowds, or with drunks at the local bars. I mentioned that I would be fine with her meeting someone while she’s out, and essentially having a FWB situation going on, as long as she kept me updated as to who she was with, when and where, which that’s mostly due to my concern for her personal safety honestly. Nothing really happened for several weeks, she did mention that she just hasn’t meet anyone that caught her eye to show any interest to, until about 2-3 weeks ago. She did meet someone that she felt comfortable enough with to try moving forward with. He’s a single guy, close in age to her. She was up front with him that she is married when they started messaging on Facebook messenger, and that we have recently opened our marriage. I honestly do not know if she told him this is her first encounter, or if the guy thinks we’ve been open for awhile. I did have some “rules” I asked of her, like I wouldn’t feel comfortable with overnight stays with him, and if she felt like either him or her were catching “feelings” for each other beyond friendship or if I got that feeling from them, she was willing to completely call it off. She has had absolutely zero pushback or complaints with any “rule”, or “boundary”, however you want to describe it, that I asked of her what so ever. I do have trust and faith in her to make wise decisions. She has been hanging out with the guy in group settings for a few weeks now, he’s fully aware of her being married, and asked if I would be willing to meet him, which I agreed to do. We did get a few short minutes to talk outside the place we were at, but it was very brief. He did tell me he did not have any interest in pursuing a real relationship with her, that he is enjoying being single, and also just wanted a chance to talk to me in person to see how I felt about the whole thing, because he has never tried going after a married woman, and would not do it behind someone’s back. I did tell him that it was all brand new for us, but about that time some others came out and we (me and my wife) are trying to not let the whole town know that we are going down this route, so our conversation got cut really short. I ended up leaving early that night to go home, I had had enough peopling for that evening, and my wife stayed out with the group of friends, and the guy she is interested in. After I got home I felt pretty good, and honestly a little happy the “new guy” was wanting to talk in person with me to make sure I was good with everything, and I went to bed. Well, I woke up around 2am to go to the bathroom, my wife still wasn’t home yet, and I could feel anxiety/panic starting to build. I tried to calm myself, saying that it’s fine, I agreed to this, knew who she was with, and everything would be ok. Well, it wasn’t ok for me, at all. I VERY, VERY rarely check my wife’s location through the find my iPhone (we both share each others location 100% of the time, and have for a long time, even before all this talk), but the anxiety was building pretty bad, and I thought if I knew where she was it would help calm my nerves. It didn’t. I checked her location, and she was not at one of the local hang outs, but at a house in a neighborhood that she’s never been to before and I went into a full on tailspin out of control. I kept telling myself that it’s fine, I encouraged and supported her doing these things, and there’s no reason I should be feeling like this. My heart was racing outa control, and my mind was racing at warp speed doubting the entire idea of doing this, questioning myself, why I would encourage this, just to crash and burn so hard, so I got up, went downstairs and started pacing the floor trying to calm myself, I actually though about getting dressed and going for a power walk/run, at 3am in the morning, and I am not a casual runner type of person, in an attempt to calm myself, but I refrained. I stayed up for 45 minutes, finally got my heart rate under control, and my head half way cleared out, and tried to go to bed. But it did t work, my mind did slow down some, my heart rate did slow down, but after about 30 minutes of laying down, I started to physically feel nauseous laying down. She did finally come home, I don’t remember the time exactly, but I was half asleep/half awake and still feeling nauseous so I got up and slept on the recliner downstairs, because being elevated helped the nauseousness go away and finally fell asleep. I did talk to her about the next day, nothing very in depth, I just told her I had some anxiety while she was out, but didn’t really reveal the true depth of it out of concern it would overshadow her fun night out. She did tell me nothing happened, and the only reason she was out later than usual’s because they went to Dennys before going home, which is something she has done before with other friends.

All that to ask, is there any way to get over that level of anxiety? I am not an anxiety prone person at all, I’ve NEVER in my life felt that level of anxiety, not even in combat. Does it ever get better, or is this just a sign that I’m not cut out for an open relationship?

Editing just to add: we did decided about 6 months ago that an open relationship would be better instead of just the hotwife scenario, she didn’t feel comfortable with just a one night stand.

That the new description of the sub counts polygamy as ethical non-monogamy? Interesting.

Non-Monogamy is a blanket term covering several different types of interpersonal relationships in which some or all participants have multiple marital, sexual, and/or romantic partners. This community is for ethical non-monogamy, not adultery or cheating.

Hello! Newly opened relationship 6 months ago. We’re currently on a one date per week kind of schedule but I’m not sure if that’s too much too soon? I read about monthly dates on some other posts too.

Would love to know and learn from your experiences.

Hello all! Looking for good books about relationship anarchy specifically! I would love any recommendations you have! Bonus points if they are available as audiobooks!