Newbie here, so I'm sorry, if this is a topic which is often discussed....

I've tried embracing my polyamory identity for several years now. 2 years ago I started my first sexual romantic Poly relationship and in the end, everything what could go wrong, went totally wrong (bad communication, trying to feel secure by establishing rules and hierarchies, lack of self-esteem and self-security and so on). A few weeks ago my partner and I decide to keep a lot of distance as our relationship didn't felt good in anyway anymore.

I've never met anyone else I could build a non-friendshiplike relationship with, so now I'm without any kind of sexual-romantic relationship, although I really like that kind of relationship. But people before relationships, right?

Anyway, here's my question: as I mostly hear about those "I'm so happy with my thousand partners"-success stories in the polyam community - does anyone of you have a success story which does NOT include sexual romantic relationships? Do you experience physical intimacy without a sexual-romantic frame (like cuddling with friends or whatever..)?

Have you tried making your user manual and not sure where to begin? Have you written your user manual but want to expand? Speak Easy is gathering folx to talk about how to make your user manual the best it can be.

What is a personal user manual? Your personal user manual is a guide to using, well, you. In relationships, in friendships, in bed, even in co-working settings if you'd like. It's up to you how you design your own user manual and what info to include.

This unconference is a chance to interact with others and brainstorm about what method will work best for your user manual as well as what you'd like to include in it.

Eventbrite:
https://usermanualonlineworkshop4-11-2020.eventbrite.com

Facebook Event:
https://www.facebook.com/events/1292669857594296/

I would love to meet more poly people but being in the uk, not that many or people just don’t really talk about it as much. A shame really.

I’m curious about being solo poly. I’ve been mono all my life, but I’m thinking this may be a good fit for me right now. How does one get started or find local poly people?

I've been solopoly for a few years now and haven't been as open with it as I'd like to be. I would love to talk with anyone about it and hear some other stories and life experiences while getting to know people in the community.

I'm still pretty new to this subreddit so if I'm in violation of anything please let me know and I'll correct myself.

Hi! I've been practicing poly with my nesting partner for about a year. Together for 6+

After what's been both refreshing and a complicated time for us. I'm starting to think more deeply about what I as an individual person really want. And I'm realizing for more than 2 years I've been thinking about living alone. And I'm really interested into a more me first type of relationship where my needs and desires are what are driving my life.

I'm really interested in solo poly and I'm curious if folks would be interested in sharing more about their stories. How did you know that's what you wanted? Did any folks transition from a hierarchy poly partnership to solo poly?

My financial future is in limbo with current COVID conditions. I've been feeling insecure in my relationships with my partners and myself as a result of everything. I'd been sheltering with a partner when I realized recently the magnitude of how insecure I've felt. I've been totally hogging their attention and still somehow find myself feeling inferior to my metas.

I'm making distance from my partner so I can reflect and work on me and not be so clingy with them. I really want to combat these thoughts and feelings so I can be a more considerate partner and not get stuck in a depressive funk. I want to keep focusing on getting things accomplished.

So how do you cope when you're broke? Anyone have any solid free resources for overcoming insecurity-driven jealousy in relationships? Advice and wisdom are also very welcome resources. Thanks in advance, folks.

Here's something no one talks about in the polyamorous community- solo privilege.

Essentially, a Solo poly person enters each relationship with their unit ( themselves) as primary. They are their own most protected relationship, and additions do come second. That means solo poly people generally exclude partners from:

• finances

-living arrangements

• child rearing
• major decisions
• influence on other relationships
• use of assets (vehicles, property, expensive equipment for hobbies ECT)

If there is any "chosen family" that generally includes non romantic relationships:

-roommates -friends -metas -children

These things and people are very much valued and protected before romantic partners. For example, a friend's needs will be met before a romantic partner's. If a romantic partner tries to make a major decision together with a solo poly person, the solo poly person will see it as interference.

When it comes down to it, autonomy will overrule partners. That's privilege. It's not all that different that couples privilege, the unit is just different. It does affect interpersonal relationships differently.

I know this pisses off relationship anarchists and non hierarchical poly people. But, privilege is everywhere! When we value and protect our privilege, it doesn't have to be toxic. It's all well and good, so long as it is understood by the parties involved.

This is the dynamic I thrive in. I come first! And my autonomy will not be fucked with by anyone seeking a romantic relationship! Yeah, I love and protect the shit outta my solo privilege!

​

Are you an English-speaking adult (18+) in a consensually non-monogamous relationship? Do you have a partner who has at least one other partner? We invite you to participate in a study about emotions in CNM relationships! The study takes approximately 15-20 minutes and you have a 1 in 12 chance of winning a $25 Amazon gift card https://csus.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bCqq5D2Sz8am4Wp?recruitment=redditsolopolyamory

(This link was also posted on 2/21/20 here if you already took the survey. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have as the co-author)

Are you new to polyamory and exploring the many possible configurations, or been practicing honest non-monogamy for decades? Regardless of where you are on the experience spectrum, you’ll appreciate the support, community, camaraderie, hospitality, and awesome keynote speakers we’re assembling for your enjoyment, learning, and growth. This is your opportunity to meet other non-monogamous people and share real life experiences!
This is a discussion based unconference where the participants run the breakout sessions, and will take place on Zoom video conferencing platform.
Eventbrite:
https://polyamoryonline4-25-2020.eventbrite.com
Facebook Event:
https://www.facebook.com/events/126756908776621/

Now I'm lonely af and feeling extremely touch starved, and only been isolating for two weeks.

Saying that, I don't envy people who are cooped up with their partners 24/7 for the foreseeable future either, that is gonna cause some relationship strain.

This web based (un)conference uses Zoom’s online conferencing platform to host a peer based interactive discussion about polyamory, including a keynote speech from Gloria Jackson-Nefertiti.

This unconference is brought to you by Speak Easy. We created the online (un)conference events to extend the benefits of discussing polyamory and relationship dynamics and make it more accessible for people who may not have the time or means to travel to an in-person (un)conference. The previous (un)conferences had such a positive effect on the people who attended, we hope you’ll join us!

The next event is a full day conference on Saturday, April 25th, 2020 from 9am-4pm PACIFIC. For more information, check out our website or Eventbrite pages below:

www.speakeasyunconferences.com/

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/97242854997

I currently live alone, as my personal quiet space is very important to me as a solo poly introvert, both for managing my energy and mood, and for avoiding my codependent tendencies. As we may be looking at a quarantine in the near future, my partners and I have been discussing a contingency plan. I love my alone time, but several weeks straight is excessive. I am considering living with my partner for a few weeks during this time. We have been dating about 14 months now. We usually have 2 overnights each week, and have spent up to a week while travelling, but I do find myself getting antsy after a few days. I don't want this to cause stress on our relationship. Anyone in a similar boat? Thoughts?

Note: I recognize that this is a 'first world problem' and that there are much more serious concerns around this pandemic. However, I figured this community might have some ideas for these kinds of considerations.

We are Design students of Ambedkar University Delhi. We are conducting research to understand the challenges that Polyamory individuals face in managing their time.

This form is only a beginning to a larger in-depth survey that we wish to conduct. This form will take into consideration your interests and whether you fit in the criteria of our sample size.

**Note: This survey targets young individuals between the age group of 18-30 years. Your inputs would be useful in making our research better and diverse.

Thank You

Link For Survey-

https://forms.gle/r6acotkKbpndQ2nX8

So as a guy I (freshly single) am very much into the cuckquean fetish. But also I beleive that I might be solo polyamorous. Now my question is if these two things could fit together. Does anyone have any experience in that direction?

Hi all,

I’ve got some good news in case you havent heard: SoPoCo2020 tickets are on sale and the location is New York City! April 18-19th. We would love to see y’all there this year!
I’ve got some more good news: the earlybird special ticket prices are still available, and you have until this sunday (2/23) at 11:30PM Eastern to purchase. They are in the usual tiers of 3 different prices so you can choose your own adventure (they’re the same ticket package just different prices). We want this to be accessible for everyone as much as we’re able. We know it is expensive to go to a conference all weekend and we want people to be able to pay what you can, and for those of you who are able to pay more we really appreciate it because that helps cover the cost of folx who arent able to contribute the higher amounts.
The last piece of good news: the tickets are refundable up until 24 hours before the conference starts, which means you can get a refund if needed all the way up until April 17th at 9AM Eastern. So there’s almost no risk involved to get your tickets early!
Our keynote speakers this year are Roselyn Thomas, Parnia Nyx, and Malika Cumbie, and we’re so thrilled to have them with us sharing their journeys and wisdom. Our catering will come from a great place in New York called Empanada Mama, and we’ll have an assortment of mostly vegan and gluten free options with a couple of options for meat eaters and gluten eaters. We’ll be sending out the menu before the conference so folx who are unable to eat the food can have enough time to make other plans if needed.
The space will be scent free, we’ll have a separate room designated as the quiet space for folx to go to relax if needed, we’ll have nametags with name&pronouns as well as rainbow stickers to show your queerness (only if you choose to, we had some folx last year who said they’d have liked to know and let others know who’s queer so we can more easily find each other). The nametags come in red, yellow, and green, signifying approachability. Anything else you might need to make this a pleasant experience? Email us at SoPoCo2020@gmail.com and let us know! We are a very small organizing team this year but we still want to do everything we can to help you feel comfortable and welcome.
Thanks, and hope to see you all soon!
-Kelli, They/Them
#SoPoCo2020 Organizing Team ❤️🌈
https://www.facebook.com/events/536584983791841/

https://sopoco2020.eventbrite.com

Have you ever had anxiety about one relationship prevent you from being present and happy with another partner? How did you deal?

Are you an English-speaking adult (18+) in a consensually non-monogamous relationship? Do you have a partner who has at least one other partner? We invite you to participate in a study about emotions in CNM relationships! The study takes approximately 15-20 minutes and you have a 1 in 12 chance of winning a $25 Amazon gift card

https://csus.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bCqq5D2Sz8am4Wp?recruitment=redditsolopolyamory

I’ve been solo poly in practice for under a year. I’m still working out the logistics of do I tell my partners about each other? Do I tell them about my non-partnered sexual activities outside of regular check-ins?

Anyway, a new situation in my life just came up. I was vacationing to see my friends and visit a partner (let’s call her X) that’s long distance and another partner (let’s call her XX) was going to pick me up at the airport. When XX picked me up I told her all about my weekend strategically omitting any intimate details about X. I would like to talk to XX about her preference on knowing about my other partners before spilling all of the details. I want to hear her opinion but mine is that I’d rather not share. It didn’t seem like the right time to have that conversation but it’s coming up tomorrow during our check-in. I should also mention that XX is married.

So we’re driving along, it’s been an hour in the car and we’re 10 minutes from my house. XX starts telling me that she has some big earth shattering news that she didn’t want to tell me before my trip or when she first picked me up. I AM WORRIED! XX is making it sound like it’s going to be a huge effect on me and, to be honest, my greatest fear was that she decided to leave her husband or that she might’ve given me a permanent STI. XX also said that I was welcome to get out of the car and never talk to her again and she’d understand. Then XX lets me have it: she’s 11 weeks pregnant.

I really care for any of my partners, hence why I consider them so dear to me as to call them partners. I’m AFAB so my first joking reaction was to ask if it was mine. We laughed and she encouraged me to take time and think about how it was making me feel. We had dinner that night together and I asked all of the questions mainly: when did you find out? And, since she’d had a week to think about it, what would you like to do with our relationship?

We’ve always been playfully aloof. Agreeing that what we have is amazing and when it ends, it ends. XX said that she’d like to continue on that trajectory all while remaining aware that this could be a dealbreaker for me. I’ve always said, prior to this evening, no kids for me and she’s been supportive.

It’s been a week and I’ve mulled it over. XX’s pregnancy doesn’t seem like it’ll effect me for the time being. I think XX is so sexy and I’m a more turned on by her being pregnant than turned off. I told her that I’d like to continue our relationship with the same idea. I am worried about the dreaded pregnancy brain more than anything else. I also feel, in this moment, that when the baby comes it may be the end of us. So that’s a little sad for me, but thus is life. I’m putting myself and my boundaries first.

In my practice of solo poly: I won’t go to their house if they cohabitate, I will and maybe spend the night if they don’t. I have no desire to meet other partners, but I don’t mind hearing about them if they want to share (no negative-talk permitted). I don’t allow people to stay over at my house, but I enjoy planning all of the mini vacations so that we can spend the night/weekends in a neutral space. No partner is to be seen as a primary, there’s enough love to go around or to communicate that I have reached my limit. I actually treat my platonic best friends and myself as my primaries and it’s one of the first things I communicate to a potential partner.

Meanwhile, I’m very excited for XX and I’m also excited to love and support her while her body changes. X and I are doing well and I’m actively seeking out a third. I’d call them XXX but that seems like a heavy crown. This just seemed like a scenario only like-minded folx could grasp and I wanted to share.

Happy trails!

Though I've identified as poly most of my life without even knowing there was an actual title, I'm finally reading about and trying to meet and talk to others who feel this way. Finding this subgroup is very interesting because seeing that there's a group of people who want to be in a poly dynamic without a huge commitment (am I getting solopoly correctly? Please correct me or inform me if I'm wrong), it's opening my eyes to who is out there and that there might be people interested in various types of poly relationships or dynamics.

My question is, how does a couple meet solopoly female(s)? What is the best way to connect that is appropriate?

Especially in the San Francisco Bay Area. We are two working, fit, happy professionals who have so much love to give, and would love to learn more about meeting a like minded woman who shares our values and likes to have fun, and just let thing evolve how ever works best for all. Any guidance is appreciated.

Thanks for your time and patience with a new poster!

I’m in a new poly relationship. I’m not seeing anyone else right now. She is in two other relationships. She is Solo-poly, her other two relationships are married, so I’m the only person she is seeing that isn’t seeing someone else. We live separately but get to see each other a few times a week. She has met a few of my friends and my family. The topic of Facebook relationship status came up over breakfast. I hadn’t given it much thought. I told her, Facebook only allows you to list one relationship. She said all her other partners have Facebook status with their live in partners. I said I’d think about it. I asked her what status would you like. The choices that make sense are “In a Relationship” “In an Open Relationship” or “It’s Complicated” She said she needs to talk to her other partners about it.

What do you all do with Facebook and other social media?

Hi All!

I (she) am solo with a taste of Relationship Anarchist My partner/dom (he) is solo with strong RA leanings. Pretty much every detail of our relationship,has been thought out, negotiated, and sometimes renegotiated. It's worked really well over the 8 months or so since we've been seeing each other. We've had a gradually escalating but somewhat informal D/s dynamic throughout.

Today, we broached the idea of doing a trial collaring. He's had a collared sub before, in a different dynamic and within a more hierarchical LTR. I've never been collared.

We are a little stumped on how to navigate the change to intentional dynamic (and all the ownership pieces that go along with it) while still maintaining SoPo/RA ideals. It's not just other relationships we don't want to affect, but our own personal autonomy as well. It's something of a thought experiment, and me being me I need really practical examples in order for it to make sense. Anyone have experience here?

Hi all. I'm (24F) a first-time poster and fairly new to Reddit just for the record. I will also post this in the polyamory sub. This is a throwaway account to hide from co-workers. This post is intended to get feedback about what y'all think about arrangements & relationship boundaries in the following context. Any input is appreciated.

One of my partners, J (24M), and I have been together in a polyamorous relationship for almost a year. I identify as solo polyamorous whereas he is experiencing polyamory in an undefined way right now; he's fairly new to this and this is his first ethical non-monogamous relationship. He is dating another person as well.

Of course he has his own insecurities and jealousies, like we all do. But there is one thing that keeps coming up between us and it's, essentially, how I choose to spend my time. We have a preferred arrangement (not a hard rule) that we will try to stay together 2 weekday nights, and 1 weekend night. We stick to this pretty consistently. It should be noted that I work a full-time job M-F, while J is currently working less than part time. Additionally, he struggles more with codependency and has expressed that he would spend alot more time with me if he/we could. But I have communicated that the amount we currently spend together is the maximum I can give. Though I do often spend more than the agreed upon number of nights with J, on my own accord.

Anyway, lately I have been going on dates with a couple other people. This week, I mistakenly overbooked myself and told J that (on Sunday, before the week began) I could spend one week night with him and 1, possibly 2, weekend nights. Whereas in the past this hasn't been a huge issue, this time it was. Specifically because I had other dates, and he expressed hurt about this. It resulted in a tense argument.

In his words, he is upset because my other relationships are "keeping us from spending more time together." And he specified that it would be different if I couldn't meet the preferred arrangement because I needed alone time or something else came up. But he feels hurt because I made other plans before making plans with him, which is fair, though two of my dates were planned weeks in advance.

From my perspective, I feel like how I am choosing to spend my time is being scrutinized and J is attempting to control me. It would be one thing if he just told me that it made him feel jealous/insecure that I was spending time with new people. But he has focused on the idea that it isn't fair that he looses time with me to other people. So I feel like he is reacting as if I broke a hard rule, while I see it as properly utilizing our flexible pre-arranged agreement. We agreed upon max 2 week nights and 1 weekend night, and have always vocalized that it's okay if we don't meet that. But now that I'm going on more dates, suddenly I feel like he is implying that I have purposefully taken time away from "us" and given it to other people.

Should we make a strict schedule and religiously stick to it? It feels wrong and hierarchial (which I'm averse to) to me to prioritize time with him before I make plans with other people. I would rather plans develope organically, kind of "first come, first serve." But I feel like if I don't make a stricter arrangement, he will get upset every time my dating schedule disallows our current flexible arrangement.

Any insight or advice about this is appreciated!

We are starting an online (un)conference with a live discussion about solo polyamory similar to SoPoCo in Vancouver, Seattle, and San Francisco. It is called Speak Easy. The previous SoPoCo (un)conferences had such a positive effect on the people who attended. We are creating Speak Easy’s online (un)conference events to expand the benefits and make it more accessible for people who may not have the time or means to travel to an in-person (un)conference. 

Our first event is on February 8th, 2020 from 9am-4pm PST, which is next Saturday.  We want to make sure that this is a fulfilling experience for everyone, so we’re offering a buy-one-get-one-free deal so you can invite a buddy to attend with you if you’d like.

For more information, check out our website or Eventbrite pages below:

www.speakeasyunconferences.com/

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/77664571825

I’m still struggling with the line between an actual need, an ego boost, and comforting my inner child. Do some of those overlap? Aren't we responsible for the last two on our own? The root of all suffering is attachment, so how do we love without attachment to certain expectations, of a certain amount of attention or frequency of contact/dates? Just to love someone without attachment to the outcome? Do we really have needs from others or are they all constructed? Where is the line? Humans are hardwired for connection and at a certain point there is a certain energy/contact/exchange that's required for connection.

Pondering this as I build my own boundaries as RA/solo poly, but also a philosophical debate ;)

Hey folx, I identify as Solo Polyamorous, and I’m curious about other Solo’s in this group - how do you SoPo? What makes your style of SoPo unique to you? Do you have any tips or tricks that you’ve figured out when engaging in society and in relationships? What’s important to you about your Solohood? Being Polyamorous is challenging in general, but being Solo as well adds a whole other dynamic that I think a lot of people aren’t aware of, and I’m hoping to get some discussion going about this little-known-but-super-awesome style of doing Polyamory.

I’m hosting an online unConference centered around Solo Polyamory on Feb 8th and invite everyone to attend. For more information, check out our website below:

​

www.speakeasyunconferences.com/

Relationship anarchy has a lot in common with some solopoly practices, such as combating amatonormativity and de-pedestaling sex and sexual relationships.

The second annual Relationship Anarchy Discussions Unconference has a date- May 14th through the 17th in Detroit, Michigan! Do you want to attend? Learn more and submit an attendance proposal here https://communitiesnotcouples.com/unconference

I’ve read posts from people who can afford to live alone. For those of you who cannot afford to live alone, what does your living situation look like?

I know this is something that appeals to me, but often I don't feel I have very many words to describe why. "I like my independence" just doesn't quite cover it somehow... What are your reasons for loving this way?

I had been with her for three years. Lets call her B. We had lived together for over a year, when I realized I needed to dedicate myself to my job search, and start a real career (I'd been skating by with a moderately successful consulting biz and side hustles). No problem. Just a job. Well...

I got a fantastic offer, in another part of the country. Within 15 minutes of a very special hill, where I can do a very special sport, more frequently than anywhere else in the country.

No problem, we'll go long distance. We're poly, after all. We should be able to handle it.

We get her set up in a new apartment, I move, spend most of my relocation fund furnishing my apartment to be sure she'll be comfortable when she visits. Within a month, I visit her back home. I go back, and begin suggesting we plan her first visit to my new home.

"I can't do this."

That was six months ago. I've been picking up the pieces, slowly. Dating here is hard; it's a very conservative down, and I'm very dedicated to my job and my sport, so I have very little time to socialize. But I have a vacation planned with a cometary partner- we're friends always, and maybe more when the timing works (not often in our 5-6 years of friendship). Call her L. The plans are getting firmer, clearer, we're both stoked.

I'm planning a visit back home for my grandfather's birthday, and I want to plan to see her. So I call.

"We need to talk about the trip," she says.

"I'm not saying I won't go- I'll go if something happens, but don't make something happen, okay?" she says.

She's in a relationship with a mutual friend, who's uncomfortable with the idea of us spending weeks together in a foreign country given our history.

Why? Why does it feel like a breakup?

Even if we haven't had sex in two years (timing), we've been working on these plans for almost a year, now.

Why do we voluntarily make ourselves the most disposable part of someone's life?