Welcome to r/SelfImprovement

Be honest.

How much of your need to be here is not because you want to escape the negative in your life; it's because you avoid the truth? The truth of not taking responsibility for yourself, the truth of your actions, your choices, and how you view yourself.

Do you lie?
Do you cheat or take shortcuts?
Do you stare into screens more than you are outside?
Do you use porn to make your current state or feelings change?
Are your finances a disaster?
Do you lack direction and purpose?
Do you blame your partner/the government/bosses/friends/family for your unhappiness?

"If only they would X, then I'd be Y!"

You give your power away too freely.
You are your choices. You can only control what you can control and that is YOU.

I know lies saved you from being a victim WHEN YOU WERE ONE.
But now, it's time to take back our power.

Whatever has happened to you/us is not our fault, but it is our responsibility.

I don't really know a better way to say this. I'm just a bad person. If you asked the people in my life they'd probably tell you I'm lovely or at least decent but they don't know everything. Horrible thoughts I have all the time, and a few things I've actually done that are genuinely so disgusting I don't think I could say them out loud without feeling sick. And on top of that, I can't help but feel like even when I am nice to people, I always have some sort of ulterior motive. Sometimes my mind will wander when something serious or bad is happening to my loved ones and I get this weird sense that even though I do feel bad for them, I could probably just turn that feeling off if I wanted to.

Sorry I think I'm getting off topic here. My point is that I want to be better but I don't even know what that would look like let alone how it would feel. I've always been like this basically, even in my sparse memories of being a kid I was pretty manipulative and cruel. I like to think the way I treat people has gotten a lot better since then but i feel like I haven't fixed the real problem, the underlying cause, the rot in my soul that makes me feel and think evil things. God I'm starting to sound insane. I'm sorry. If anyone knows what I should do, or even just feels the same way, I'd really appreciate hearing it.

And before you ask, I was in therapy for a long time, but that is no longer an option financially. Even if it was I think having to bare my soul to another fucking stranger who has the power to ruin my life, after having done that a million times in my life, sounds worse than eating glass right now. But I do want to go back eventually. Thank you

Have a bad habit of getting my hopes up too high such that I’m either disappointed when things don’t work out or less happy than I should be when they do work out.

Some examples:

I recently competed in an academic competition when I got really positive feedback, told others I’d be surprised if I didn’t advance, and now feel absolutely gutted that I ended up not advancing

About a year ago I asked someone on a date and they expressed some willingness but ended up not following through. I ignored my friends advice to not get too excited without a confirmed time/place and was pretty distraught when she wasn’t interested.

Part of me wonders if the problem is sharing these hopes? But I always find it so difficult to keep that hope to myself when I have it. So I think I need to be better about being more realistic from the start. Thoughts on how to work on that?

Hey everyone, it has happened many times that whenever i get drunk i start crying. Whenever i am sober i find it hard to cry, but when drunk tears start rolling out of my eyes automatically.

Yesterday i was at a wedding party, got little drunk and then tears started rolling out. It was very embarrassing for me as it was my co workers wedding. I am trying to figure out why does this happen? I don't have a drinking habit, its just once in a while thing but Whenever i get drunk i just cry.

This has been on my mind from a long time.. i want to find the answer to this. TIA.

I've been on a self-improvement journey for a little under three years now, and I feel like I'm plateauing. Everything I set out to accomplish at the beginning seems to be done. I wanted to quit smoking and drinking—done. I wanted to get big at the gym—done. I wanted to learn philosophy and theology—done. I wanted to get healthy—done. I wanted to be more productive—done. I wanted to be a more charismatic person-done.

Now, I’m at a loss and losing the excitement I once had daily for improving myself. I know I haven’t truly reached the "end" of the gym, learning, or self-betterment, but it feels like there’s a next step I’m just failing to climb. Every day now I just force myself to go extra hard in the gym or watch another lecture on a topic I've already learned just to feel like I'm achieving something but the truth is I'm not because I am already winning in those areas, so I'm just wasting my time. I haven't loss my ambition, I just have nowhere to direct it.

I've been dealing with severe abuse in the past five years and now I'm not able to tolerate human beings anymore, it feels like my emotional pain tolerance dropped to zero, even the slightest insult or cold response hurts me deeply.

So the question is: how can I build up my emotional tolerance again?

I hope I was clear enough, if not I will rephrase it. Thanks in advance 🙏🏻

Hello, for years i've been stuck in an isolating comfort zone. I have no friends (apart from my sister), i have never been in a proper relationship (22yo), and I still live with my parents. I feel so lonely, and I am so scared about wasting my life. I hardly socialise- the most social interaction I get is on my daily walk, and the occasional trip to the coffee shop. I was a part of a kayaking club last year, but I was so scared to talk to anyone, and I quit after 4 months. I have tried going on dates through online dating apps, only one led to anything, and now i don't even have the energy/courage to follow through with dates and I end up cancelling at the last minute (never ending cycle).

At the moment I am studying an online masters degree in wildlife biology- I am a huge animal lover and I really want to work in that sector. My other passions are reading, crochet, exploring and walking.

I really want to change my life before it is too late- I really want to get married and have a baby. I realise that I can't get those things if i stay in my comfort zone, but I dont know how to leave it. Do you have any tips? Do I take a massive leap, or try baby steps? what are some social challenges that I could try.

TLDR: i have no social life because of my comfort zone, what are some things I could do to expand it?

I wanted to create this post to inspire others. People who fear they cannot change, talk or struggle socially.

From a very young age, I was a very timid, anxious and shy as a kid growing up. As a kid, I was unable to pay for things at the check-out in a store, because of the fear of having to talk to a stranger and interact with someone I didn’t know. I would stutter, go red and just panic whenever I was greeted by a someone or when they initiated a conversation.

This routine I carried through my life until I was around 22/23 years of age where I decided enough was enough. I am doing something about this. I thought deeply and envisioned a version of myself which I believed was achievable and who I was willing to become. I knew how I wanted to be perceived, how I wanted to react and how I wanted to make people feel whilst talking with them. I began trying to become that person.

It’s been around 7/8 years on from that decision or self-intervention if you’d like to call it that. I have achieved becoming that person and I no longer fear talking to strangers. I am confident, ambitious, charismatic and emotionally intelligent. There was no book, no gimmick, no course which led me to becoming this person. I had to do all the work internally to change things, work on things, learn things about myself and process things in order to move forward. Accountability and honestly are the only things which led me here. I didn’t lie to myself and I do not lie to others, even if I’m in the wrong. I will admit it and work on the solution or next step to keep us moving forward.

It has been years of relentless work, from learning from experience when you have bad interactions with people. But you understand you did everything right and you had no control how they were going to greet you or react. From a few years of on & off therapy to better understand who ‘You’ are. Not who you project to the world, but who ‘You’ really are. The inner child who rises to the surface, your instinct reaction or old habits. Learning to speak to him and build a connection so you can both grow together.

For months this year, I haven’t felt myself. There was no reason in particular, but a bunch of things I guess gathering up, but I am over the hill with it and I am back. I just wanted to post something positive to uplift and let people know. YOU CAN BECOME THAT PERSON. It just takes time.

I want to change to a degree where people look at me and say, "You’ve really changed—in the best way!"

I’m looking for tips on how to:

Have a proper glow-up, both physically and mentally.

Build discipline and stay consistent.

Improve focus and remove distractions.

Help!!:)

Thanks in advance for your advice!

Hey guys, am an introvert and i want to push my comfort zone and try to go through uncomfortable situations. What should i try?

I’ve noticed that when I start regimenting out my life I kind of become more task oriented, and less creative, witty, free thinking l, etc. There’s give and take with everything, but has anyone else noticed this happen?

So I (17M) want to make money and was looking for some advice here. I live in a country where most of the online money earning platforms don’t work. I am also an A-level student which means i spend most of day trying to study. I have about 2-4 hours per day for this but unfortunately i cannot go out a do physical work because of my messed up study schedule. Is there any miracle earning method that meets my requirements??

I'm definitely moving forward overall, but sometimes I have periods of stagnation, and sometimes I feel like I'm falling back into old habits. Do you experience that? How do you deal with it?

I can NEVER wake up and the calming wake up alarms are not doing it any help and even the alarm sound is not as calming I’d still sleep through it, or close it without even knowing

but in this app called “Alarmy” there is this one alarm named “Loud ringtone 5” and it is horrible.

I am not talking about those annoying alarms that say funny stuff, no, it is not annoying; it is straight up horrifying

It is so awful that 2 days ago I woke up, myself, before the alarm only to mute it so it won’t ring

Marines who are going to the war could be waken up more peacefully than whatever this alarm does

Peace

Why do I feel this constant urge to talk to someone—anyone, regardless of gender? I just want to have conversations. I wasn’t like this before. I used to be content in my own world, surrounded by books and cinema. Can you help me understand this and figure out how to address it?

i know its not that simple lol. but what can i do to boost my mood as fast as possible and keep it that way? I have exams tomorrow and i cant focus for 5 minutes without breaking down and its really not helpful

any advice is appreciated!

I woke up a while ago but I’m still depressed

basically what the title says. . i dont find them beautiful or attractive at all and i worried its gonna be a problem. ive never been intimate with a woman but im sure im gonna struggle with getting hard once i get the chance unless shes literally a top model. please help me.

Since the last few months I've become such that I don't feel anything. I laugh and all but whenever I see even a close one cry, which could have caused me to feel self guilty and cry myself before, now doesn't even matter to me. I don't feel sad or any responsibility to do stuff. It really doesn't feel good. Please help me

i guess the title is a bit extreme, because i’m not obsessive in the way that i’m constantly searching for someone, putting myself out there, yearning, etc (i’ve never even been in a romantic relationship before) but it’s just affecting me in the way that it’s constantly on my mind i’m sure it’s a lot to do with social media and how romance is portrayed in the media these days, as well as my friends being in relationships and stuff, but even after acknowledging this and recognising that it’s not healthy, i am just always thinking about how much happier i think i would be in a relationship, daydream about it, and sometimes it even gets to the level where i will like develop crushes on random people that i don’t even really like?? it’s so strange and idk why this is happening

and please do not say something vague like “focus on yourself” 😭 because i have been!! but even through that i just constantly find myself going back to this idea and it just being on my mind at all times, it’s getting tiring!

I grew up in a vary untraditional setting. was never taught how to shave, how to tie a tie, i'm not even sure what type of haircut i'm supposed to get so i always say short on the side and long on top and i never got the opportunity to learn much social interaction. what can i do to start learning these things and making them habits . i have friends but as you can guess they did not have a "traditional" childhood either.

Hey everyone,

Just a little background before I explain myself:

I'm 17, and I’ve never really been extremely passionate about anything until about two years ago. My grades and GPA were mediocre. In the summer of 2023, something changed—I’m not exactly sure what, but it was around the time I started making my own money (I began re-selling sneakers), and that completely shifted my perspective on everything. From that point on, everything changed. I became obsessed with learning about business and finance. Literally every single second of the day, all I could think about was becoming an entrepreneur. I saved up all my money to start my own business (a different type of business), but it didn’t go well. Still, I learned a lot in the last few months about the mistakes I made personally and in business.

Anyway, fast forward to today—I’ve completely lost interest in school. My GPA went from a 3.5 to a 2.1, and I have mostly F’s now, but none of that bothers me. At first, my parents were worried and wondered what my plans were, but ultimately, there’s no way they could convince me to stay focused on school. Eventually, I decided to minimize the time I waste at school and graduate early. I’m doing online courses so I can graduate this year (junior year). As long as my GPA is above 2.0, my in-school grades don’t really matter because the online school grades balance it out.

Part of the reason for my grades is that I just don’t see the point anymore. Before I had this "obsession," I really tried in school but was just mediocre. Yet, I have this friend who’s the class valedictorian with a GPA over 4.0. He just consumes knowledge like it’s nothing—he plays video games all day, does his homework, and I spend hours studying to get a B+. While he’ll probably go to some prestigious college, get a nice job, and not really have to worry about money, I’ll go to some mediocre college and maybe, in 40 years, if I live frugally, I could become a millionaire. That just sounds awful to me. I see so many adults who have taken this exact path and ended up living miserable lives. I even have teachers who need roommates because they can’t afford to live on their own. You can’t expect me to have all this information right in front of me and then say, “Sounds good, time for college.”

That’s why I’m doing all this. I don’t even see college as a plan B. I see it as a last-ditch effort if I truly have nowhere else to go. But I’m not at that point, and I hope to God I never will be.

Fast forward to today, I have a pretty decent job lined up at a startup in December/January, which will include equity, a base salary, commission, and benefits. I’m also working on my own startup after months of learning on my own and from mistakes in my first venture. Sounds good, right? So what's my problem?

My social life. I’ve always read about lonely millionaires on Reddit and other places, and my first thoughts—presumably most people’s first thoughts—are “Oh, well, they’ll wipe their tears away with $100 bills.” But now, I see it. I have some friends, but I never really go out to parties or hang out with anyone. It’s always just been me, alone, learning and working. At the beginning of this year, a new guy came back to our school after leaving freshman year, and he started talking to me because he had no friends, which I was excited about. But he seemed to get popular almost instantly, and then that faded. I don’t get it. How do people do that? Social media paints this image that millionaires and successful people work all day until it works, and I’m willing to do that to make my dreams come true. But I would also love to go to a party with friends every once in a while. Maybe not the smoking and drinking parts, but I want to be in the moment.

The weirdest thing is that everyone knows me. I feel like I talk to a ton of people every class and between bells, but I’m beginning to believe I’m just “that funny guy” to everyone. Anyone you ask will say I’m hilarious, but that’s about it. I know I’m funny, but I feel like people only talk to me because they want to laugh. It’s not that people don’t talk to me outside of being funny. I’ve had girlfriends—I'm relatively good-looking and I go to the gym—but I just can’t seem to make that deeper connection with other guys or anyone I really want to be friends with. It’s frustrating. What killed me is not a single person remembering my Birthday this year. I decided not to post about it this time and not even some of the people I knew best said anything.

Is this road to "success" that I’m on the right choice? Is grinding non-stop, not partying, drinking, or smoking, going to turn me into an unhappy person once I get to where I want to be? Was it all a lie? Can I do both? 60% of my problems will be solved once I hit that number, but, I can't even make solid friends in a place where I see thousands of people my age everyday, wtf am I going to do once I leave? Should I have just tried to be normal?

It feels like I’ve set up a mental guard in my brain, telling myself to stay disciplined and avoid doing bad things. Now that I want to relax a bit and not be so strict with myself, it feels like that guard won’t let me.

Gonna try to go easy on the bragging but I've done some huge steps lately - as someone who has mostly been awkward introvert nerd before and I have autism and adhd and listen to metal, everything that would keep me down, I've had 2 killer nights out in a row out until 4-5, dancing with girls, getting lots of compliments, meeting people including girls and while blending in with a matching energy to the people around, I even do stuff that sticks out and people have went crazy about, and while doing all this I even have fun doing it. Even made out with a girl. And most of all I just know that more is coming, I've never been like this and I already fit more of the roles that I need to be attractive and I'm just different, so even though there's not too much of the straight out results with girls I want, I'm confident enough that I'll be able to get it and that I already am much better than ever. I had a magic moment after taking a piss today - I saw myself in the mirror and was just like damn, that's chad! I stood there for a few minutes just enjoying it and watching every angle! I just wanted to share the experience I had but if you are interested in the work I've put to make these changes, feel free to ask. There's too much for one post though

I want to get back into the mindset that self-improvement is the cure to feeling stuck/unfulfilled, so that I can get motivated to start improving my life again. What are some not black/red pill selfimprovement/philosophy youtubers you guys can recommend me?

I just shortly need to put this on here, for myself, but also to motivate others, that it's never too late to get back on track.

I just got 29 yesterday, I only erecently got too some extent financially independent, while studyding in the x amount of semesters at university (I'm in europe, so this is possible!) I was never in a relationship and just recently lost my virginity to a prostitute. I tried x amount of times to improve myself, but failed everytime. I saw my peers living life, getting into relationships, finishing their education programme, starting families and I'm still at the same stage, like when we left school. I lost contact to most people, who were doing well, a lot of close friends I know, struggle with various issues, from drugs to mental health problems. I never did drugs, but I fight with mental health issues. Because of that, I also got physical issues, just recently I realized I'm on the verge to getting bad dental health, because I couldn't get myself to keep to a respective hygiene. Frankly, I have felt like a loser in every aspect of my life for many years now and I'm on the verge of not even caring about that anymore. On to that comes the objective crisis ridden world situation, which doesn't look all to great neither!

But yesterday, I told myself, I won't stop trying again. I'm setting new goals, got a job recently, moved to a new location and i already feel better. I have strong ADHD, but I know, that when I get regular physical exercise, I have the mental clarity to get the necessary stuff done. It's never too late, the fight has to go on and it will!

I asked this question to normies and they typically say, "as long as you are within average range, it is alright." Well, what if I am not in average range?

My career requires some face to face interactions with clients, albeit its technical job. (I wanna be designer in tech firms)

Have you ever wanted to connect with someone but felt like your mind was working against you?

I know that feeling all too well.

For years, I struggled with hypervigilance in my relationships.

My desire to connect was so strong, but my over-alert mind kept sabotaging my efforts.

In the past, I approached relationships with my guard fully up.

I’d analyze every word someone said, searching for hidden motives or signs of rejection.

I thought if I could catch the slightest hint of trouble, I could protect myself from getting hurt.

But instead of keeping me safe, this habit kept me lonely.

Here’s the thing: I genuinely wanted to build connections.

I craved meaningful friendships and relationships.

But my hypervigilance made me come across as distant, overly cautious, or even distrustful.

I’d unintentionally push people away before they had a chance to get close.

Looking back, I realized that my hypervigilance wasn’t protecting me—it was isolating me.

It took time, but I learned how to let my guard down, step by step.

And now, I want to help you do the same.

Here are some steps to overcome hypervigilance in relationships.

Recognize the Pattern

• Hypervigilance often stems from past pain.
• It’s your brain trying to keep you safe. By acknowledging this, you can stop blaming yourself and start moving forward.

Test Your Assumptions

• When you feel suspicious of someone, ask yourself:
• “Do I have evidence to support this thought?”
• “Is this fear based on the present or my past?” Challenging your thoughts can help you respond more rationally.

Start Small with Trust

• Building trust doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing leap.
• Share a small part of yourself and see how the other person responds.
• Trust grows in layers.

Focus on the Present Moment

• Hypervigilance often pulls you into "what if" scenarios.
• Ground yourself by noticing what’s happening now.
• “What do I see, hear, or feel right now?”
• “How is this person actually showing up for me?”

Prioritize Safe and Healthy Connections

• Not everyone deserves your trust, and that’s okay. Seek out relationships with people who are patient, consistent, and understanding.

If you’re struggling with hypervigilance, remember this: your desire to connect is not the problem.

It’s the fear of being hurt that’s holding you back.

By addressing that fear, you can open yourself to the genuine, fulfilling relationships you deserve.

Guys I am trying for a long period of time to improve myself and become a better person but I fail so myserably everytime. This time,my parents gave me money on my card just to keep for an unknown reason at that time and I just started to spend it on random shit,I bought myself a fragrance,I bought myself food,and a lot of food,mostly sweets and junk food,while trying to lose weight and obvioselly instead of losing it I was gaining weight due to my habits. Today well they found out about me doing those things and I know that I am wrong but to be for real,I am not a little kid no more,I am a grown ass 18 year old and I managed to dissapoint them again and again along those years. Since about a year or so I kind of gave up on some normal habits like brushing my teeth or washing my face in the mornings and nights. I have no self respect for myself and pretty much for nobody,I know its wrong but i have no idea what should I be doing,and also when I try to do something I end up doing good for a while then I fail myserably.

Let's face it - there are 8 billion people out there right now. A lot more have been here, a lot more are yet to come. I'm just here for like 80 years, and I will probably achieve nothing that will make people remember me. In about fifty years after my death, everyone will forget me. So, I am pretty insignificant, as most of us are. How to I accept this fact? Knowing this makes me ask, why bother? Why do anything if I am just going to die? How do I stop this mindset and be happy with this fact?

It is been one and half months since I lost a beautiful relationship of 10 years... first 20-15 days it was worst for me and next 20 days I became so busy I was good but now I am lost again I want to connect with that person but I can't I don't know what happened why it happened I am in the worst situation right now after 40 days there are my CA Inter exams please suggest something