If you've read the guide on attracting people naturally, you know about "Dave," a former co-worker of mine who seemed to have all of this stuff figured out.

After we went out a few times, I was kind of embarrassed at how poorly I was doing. While Dave would talk to some attractive woman at the bar, I'd sit there with my beer, scanning the room. Getting into my own head. He'd inevitably have a great time, but I was in full paralysis-by-analysis mode, trying to think of the perfect thing to say to everyone.

Yet it just seemed to pour out of Dave. He'd walk up to women with zero lines in mind, and they'd instantly welcome him into their group. They'd smile. Laugh at his jokes.

Like, seriously. WTF was this guy SAYING?

Well, I got to listen once or twice. I would lean in and sort of piggy-back off of his social clout. You wanna know the funny thing? He wasn't saying anything special. He wasn't shooting off these perfectly-scripted, Robert Downey Jr. lines.

He'd just say things like "hey," or "How are we tonight?"

After a few weekends of this, I took him aside and asked why we were so different. I knew everything he knew. I'd read BOOKS about this stuff, hadn't I? So how come it felt so different when we went out?

"champagne_mansion," he said to me, somehow knowing what my username on reddit would one day be. "You're making it too hard. You have to keep this simple. If I'm going to the gym, what do I focus on?"

"Women in yoga pants?" (Okay, I didn't really say that, but hey, this was a while ago. Give me some wiggle room.)

Dave smiled. "No. When I'm in the gym, I'm Lance Armstrong. And that's it. That's my mindset. I am Lance Armstrong and no one else."

He liked cycling, evidently, and Armstrong was way more popular at the time. And hey, it worked. I had to admit Dave was in pretty good shape. I guessed he was about 45-47 at the time. But who knows?

"So what do I focus on when I go out?"

"Two things," he said. "Be friendly. And be the king."

##The HFK: An Introduction

Brent Smith calls it "being the mayor."

The story behind it is simple. You have short, positive interactions with people, then you get out. The frame is that you're the mayor of the city out to shake hands and schmooze. And just as quickly as you arrived to do a little charming, you leave the interaction, because you've got some more donors to talk to.

This makes people go: "Who is that guy? Does he own the place? Most men come up to us with an agenda, yet that guy was high-status, friendly, and...now he LEFT?"

I don't know if Dave ever heard of Brent Smith, but I think he stumbled onto the same truth. He called it "Being the friendly king."

Two elements, Dave said. First, you're the king. You are master of what you survey. You stand up straight, walk up to anyone you choose (after all, no one can tell the king who to talk to), and you never feel pressure because, after all, you have a castle waiting for you at home.

Side note: This mental frame is exactly how you build [innate social proof by behaviors, even if you don't have women slobbering all over you.

Dave said he used to make this his sole focus. But there was a problem. Walking around like his you-know-what didn't stink rubbed some people the wrong way. He even said that he once nearly got into a fight because some guys objected to the way he was strutting around like he owned the place.

So, Dave said, he changed it up. If he was going to be a king, he wasn't going to be one of those arrogant kings who gets stabbed in the back by one of his own lords.

He added a twist: he was the Friendly King.

That, he said, is when going out became simple for him. Every interaction became like how I saw it. He would walk up to people like a literal king making the rounds. But instead of regarding other people as peasants, he saw his job as king to make sure everyone was having a good time.

"The king at his birthday party," Dave put it.

I tried it out that night, and what happened was strange. Dave and I both walking around this way had a compounding effect. People just assumed we were owners, or we were having a party. Honestly, I don't know what they assumed.

Ever since then, if I'm having a bad night, I try to remember what Dave said about pretending to be someone else. Lance Armstrong in the gym.

And out in nightlife? The friendly king.

But you notice I called it the HFK. What does the H stand for?

We're not quite there yet. Let's talk about how you can build a complete fun mindset for going out that keeps things simple.

##Part One: The King

For years, women across the country have said this guy (RIP James Gandolfini) was sexually attractive.

Go ahead, check out the picture. Let that sink in.

Why was a fat, balding, middle-aged man so attractive? Obviously, it's not his looks. Fat. Balding. Middle-aged. There may be many fat, balding, middle-aged men reading this right now who say "um what? I'm supposed to be attractive?"

But you're thinking like a heterosexual man.

Woman-to-man attraction often comes to social status. And James Gandolfini played a man with high social status in his little world of the New Jersey mafia. What made Tony Soprano so attractive to women was this status, both internal and external. If he entered a room, he was the king. Powerful people would stand up to greet him. Underlings would stand up and kiss him on the cheek. And he knew it, because he would walk around busting balls and generally acting the way you'd imagine a king would. Having fun with his domain. Cracking wise. Talking to his boys. Being the life of the party. Even if no one else was around to validate him, he had a twinkle in his eye, like he still knew he was the boss of New Jersey. (Side note: if you hear women talk about why Gandolfini was so attractive in this role, it often comes down to something vague and hard to describe like that. A twinkle in the eye. A certain impishness. A masculine charimsa.)

It boils down to status, both internal and external.

That's the secret to being attractive, gentlemen. Don't overcomplicate it.

"But champagne_mansion," you might protest. "I'm a loner without much of a social life. How am I supposed to walk around like a hot shot who owns the venue?"

If you don't have the external social proof, you have to build the internal social validation first. You have to start walking around like you belong everywhere you go. And to do that, you have to start convincing yourself that you are worthy of this. See the inner confidence series.

Let's take an example from a movie.

Think of how Shallow Hal starts getting the attention of his attractive neighbor because he forgets about her. If you haven't seen it, Shallow Hal is about Jack Black being attracted to only conventionally beautiful women until Tony Robbins puts a spell on him. Then Shallow Hal only sees internal beauty. And guess what? He starts flirting with the internally-beautiful, who aren't used to being hit on. And Hal thinks he's become some sort of mega-stud. In Hal's mind, he's flirting with supermodels all the time. And he acts like it, despite the reality of the situation.

His attractive neighbor, Jill, initially shut him down because she thought he was shallow. Which he was. But after Hal's change in mindset, the roles reverse. He stops chasing her. He starts talking to the other women. She picks up on this and even asks him to watch movies in her apartment, and he shuts the door in a friendly way, saying no thanks. (He leaves first. Sound familiar?)

It's the internal validation and the internal social proof that starts to attract conventionally attractive woman. His neighbor shouldn't be jealous of these women who are so much less attractive than her, but she can't help it. Hal is acting like he has a lot going for him, and despite there being no external evidence, his attractive neighbor picks up on this and asks him out.

In that clip, Hal is dancing with conventionally unattractive women, as is the 2000s-era joke. But Hal doesn't care. Hal is the life of the party. In Hal's mind, he is the absolute MAN.

Notice how his neighbor Jill acts when she sees this. It's Hal's world, and she's living in it.

In fact, if you get this internal stuff aligned, I'd argue the external stuff will take care of itself. People will see how you regard yourself. They'll see you carry yourself with the weight of a high status man, and they'll fill in the blanks. "I don't know who he is, but clearly he has something going for him. I should be cool with him."

So to be the king, you adopt behaviors like:

• Feeling worthy of talking to anyone (the king is never afraid of being creepy)
• Actually talking to everyone
• No hesitation, just TALKING TO EVERYONE
• Leaving conversations quickly (the king is busy)
• Not having conversation-perfectionism. The king knows that something is cool just because the king said it, so he doesn't mind making small talk. Oddly enough, the fun things to say start to "just come out" once he gets into this state
• So-called "big dick energy"
• Feeling internally validated, because you have a castle back home

Great stuff, right?

But as Dave said, this is incomplete. If you focus on being a higher status than everyone else, it's no good. For newbies especially, it's too easy to err on the side of cockiness. You start treating people like a SPOILED king, and that's when you run into trouble.

For instance, don't go into a bad neighborhood and act like you're the king. Because you might run into some people who ACTUALLY run the place.

But if you're in a safe environment, and you adopt part 2 of this post, you'll be amazed at the results.

##Part Two: Humble, Friendly

After Dave nearly got in that fight, he said, he knew he needed to add a wrinkle. He added "friendly."

Rather than just focusing on being hot shit, he would go out and make sure other people were having a good time. If he stepped on someone's shoes, he'd apologize. A friendly king can apologize. After all, the friendly king at his birthday party wants everyone to have a good time.

He thought it was a light tweak. Turned out being friendly was the WHOLE KEY to it working. Being friendly is social lubricant that works better than alcohol.

When you're friendly to everyone and noncommital (the king has to keep making the rounds), people stop viewing you as a rival. Other men start to think of you as a potential friend, a great guy to know.

And don't believe what you hear about women hating "nice guys." They don't. It's just that too few kings add the "humble and friendly" part.

The "H" here, humility, was my own addition. I sometimes needed to remind myself not to think like the master of the domain, but rather a king who is here to serve his guests a good party.

Be careful here: don't become the coat check guy, either. Don't bring people hot towels as a manipulation tact to get them to like you. That's not what's going on here. They still have to respect you, as king, which is why the status element is essential here. Anyone can be a people-pleaser. But you're not a waiter. You're a king who wants people at his party to have a good time. You don't check peoples' coats. You get the attention of the coat checker. You don't sweep up the glass if someone drops a champagne flute. But you are the first guy to get the attention of the bartender who can.

Being friendly, humble, high status, and slightly unavailable is like this magic elixer. Women and men alike can smell the non-neediness on you. And when they see you go off and talk to another group who's laughing at your jokes, they can't help but wonder: who is this mysterious, happening, amazing guy?

Don't be surprised if the people you approach...end up approaching you.

##How to Be the Humble, Friendly King

• Step One: Mindset. It all starts with how you think before you go out. Take five minutes and roleplay yourself as the smiling, hand-shaking, schmoozing king-at-his-birthday who's here to help everyone have a good time. Don't ignore this part. You need to get into the feeling with one key: asking people for NOTHING in return. If you can't do it for five minutes without getting something in return from the mirror, or the wall, or whatever, how are you going to do it all night?
• Step Two: Smile, and focusing on giving for the sake of giving. The king is having a GREAT time at his birthday party. Smile and remember that your goal is enjoyment, not to get something from other people. You're here to give something instead: fun.
• Step Three: Don't Hesitate. Here's how you warm up. When you go out, you literally start talking to the first people you see. If they're people walking down your hotel hallway, you say something. If it's the Uber driver, you make chit chat. Talk to people immediately. Friendly, upbeat things. It can be as basic as you like. "Hey, how we doing tonight?" with the vibe that you are here to ADD to their night. And by the way, a friendly king isn't just there to talk to the attractive, rich people. He talks to old people. He talks to servers. He talks to friends. He talks to old ladies in the grocery store. The friendly king feels a degree of social responsibility: if he is there, he must help people have a good time.
• Step Four: Leave the conversation first. Always leave the conversation first. "Listen, I'm gonna make the rounds. Hope I'll see you around." You're a king who has to go look after his guests.
• Step Five: Warm goodbyes. Remember, the king is always humble. If you step on someone's shoes, give them a warm goodbye, and move on. (Time tagged video).

Does it work?

If you get into the proper headspace, you will have a great time. You will feel internally validated and permanently non-creepy because you're not there to get something from people. You're there to have a good time.

And a funny thing happens when your sole goal is to have a good time.

You start having a good time.

And would you look at that? It's New Year's Eve.

One of the causes, by the way, of the apparent lack, at the present time, of great men lies in the poverty of the contemporary male coiffure. Rich in whiskers, beards, and leonine manes, the great Victorians never failed to look the part, nowadays, it is impossible to know a great man when you see one.

​

― Aldous Huxley

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This is the first of the trilogy of posts on personal style. I’m expanding on the series of posts written under “Looks and Style” in “Get Suave Codex.” In this post, I discuss finding the right haircut, where to get it, and how to maintain your hair and facial hair.

I have a simple way to define suave. If you look at the mirror and like what you see, you are probably on your way to becoming suave if you are still not there. And what do you see at first glance in the mirror? Your haircut, your head, your face.

I’m going to describe a rather rigorous process to find yourself an appropriate hairstyle. You might think of it as overkill, but what distinguishes a suave man is his extreme attention to detail and effort to break out of mediocrity. It took me several years to find all of these.

​

How to find the right haircut?

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• Rule number one: Never follow the trend.

At the time I’m writing this post, Mullet is back. Few can pull it off. The trend might look good if you are the right guy for that style. For most average Joe's out? It doesn’t look charming.

​

• Rule number two: Ditch the products

You have to exploit your natural hair shape and leverage it. Styling products out there might give you instant results, but in the long run, you will do more damage to your hair. A volume hair spray doesn’t fool anyone if you have a visible hair-thinning due to genetics. If you are using these products, you probably don’t have the appropriate haircut.

​

• Rule number three: Research, and never stop experimenting.

​

Living in a vast metropolitan area, you might find services like image scanning and hairstyle analysis. If you can afford to pay for those services, go ahead, I did it, and I will share how those specialists think and work.

They take several pictures of your face, front, back, and sides. Then By visually analyzing the shape of your face, they choose several hairstyles that balance out your face.

You don't have to go through this process to obtain similar results, here is what you can do if you want to save money.

Do extensive research on the internet, on face shapes and hairstyles, and see how your skin tone matches your hair length and style. Take a couple of pictures of your head from all sides and find out what shape your head has. Research and choose several haircuts that suit your face based on your findings.

Show those hairstyles to your friends and family; very important to seek the opinion of people you trust, people who don’t laugh at you or criticize you when you try to improve yourself. Who is the best person to ask this question? Your barber (more on this later in this post).

Creating a mood board, like a collage, Pinterest and Instagram are great for this exercise. After two or three months, try another haircut and see what happens. I know this takes time, but it does worth it.

The same thing applies to your facial hair too.

​

​

Where to go?

​

You have probably come across this place that offers a fancy haircut experience; they wash your hair before and after and offer you coffee and soda. Well, stay away from those places.

A haircut shouldn’t cost you more than an average solo dinner; professional barbers don’t offer you coffee but someone else's job. In a barbershop, you get a haircut, your beard trimmed, you pay, and you are out. No Disney trip, space shuttle program, or 2 Michelin star service.

​

But how do you find the right barber?

​

• If you are living in your hometown, you already know who is the best barber; if you don’t know or you are new, you can look for barbers on Google Maps. Usually, your best options have the highest number of reviews and the highest rate. They don’t offer reservations, first come, first serve; they have been in the business for more than 15 years. You can even watch some results on google Maps, too, to see if the people have a nice haircut.

​

• If you know someone with a great haircut, you should ask them; you should ask locals, ask them anonymously on the internet, here on Reddit, if you are shy or you want to remain mysterious, find the sub of the town you live in, and shoot your question.

​

• Visit several places but don’t go for a haircut; see if people are waiting in line, and see how busy the place is. Are the barbers going seamlessly from one client to another, or are they waiting outside and fishing for clients?

​

How to communicate with the barber?

This is what I witness every single time I’m sitting in a barbershop:

Men of all ages take their sits and say something indistinctly and quietly like, cut it short but not too short. Or, If they are detailed oriented, they might throw out the name of the hairstyle like Faux Hawk or reference to some famous actor or football player’s recent or signature haircut, Like Beckham or Clooney.

And why is this a terrible Idea?

Unless you are Fyodor Dostoevsky or Donald Draper from Mad Men, your chances of making yourself crystal clear by just words are too low; besides, you will never know how your barber processes the comment you are feeding him. They are barbers, not mindreaders.

So what should you do instead?

​

Show them a photo. And then tell them exactly what you want. Ask their opinions because they cut hundreds of people each week and know what they can do.

Try to make a friendly relationship with your barber; they are usually talkative and social; bond with them over something, a football team, beer... They will respect you more and want you to be happy, so they do their best. Take this advice with a grain of salt; too much friendship can sometimes lead to disappointment, especially if the barber has a dominating personality which translates into forcing his opinion on you, so keep some distance here.

Note:

Suppose there is a sit free, it's your turn, but your favorite barber is cutting someone else. His colleague offers you to sit, but you don't want to make things awkward, so you give in and end up with a not-so-good haircut.

With a friendly tone and genuine smile, say, I'm waiting for Bob ( your barber).

​

Maintenance:

Hair care is a routine. It requires your input every day. You don’t have to spend much time in front of the mirror or the clinics. Here are some easy tips:

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• Clean out your diet; this will improve many other things in your life. (Indispensable to get suave)
• Don’t wash your hair with warm water or icy water.
• Use a hairdryer if you are in a hurry, don’t use it too often.
• Stress, anxiety, and anger can trigger a massive hormone disorder, which might trigger hair loss, hair thinning, and other problems.
• Consider some well-tested supplements, like Zinc and Biotin; these are very accessible and inexpensive; consistency is the key here; you need to take these supplements over a long period. Your hair won’t regrow or get thicker; those supplements help you to have healthy hair and scalp. Some people see little to no differences, and others like me see excellent results, depending on each individual and how their body is wired. I know there are sub and 100 documentaries out there saying supplements are useless., your choice, research, and do what is best for you. (This is optional)

​

Before you do all of these things, consider the social norms of the society you live in. You need to do some modifications. I live in western Europe capitals, capitals of Moda and fashion. Most of the things I wrote here are still valid in the Americas (north and south) but feel free to change things up to a bit.

I found meaning in this sub when I was on my knees while gasping for air and searching the web for just one more video. The answer is all here.

You join this sub for a reason, you read some of the posts and wonder if these tips are going to help what you try to achieve. This is then my testimony. This community helped me and will help you if you are humble enough to rethink your behavior and set of beliefs.

I’m not saying every line you read here is an absolute truth because we are all flawed; take everything with a grain of salt and think. I read most of the posts here; I recommend you to start with Get-Suave Codex and follow the fundamentals; that page gets you far into this rabbit hole.

I have several tips for you:

• Skim every post fast, then come back and read it slowly.
• Don’t try to do too much too soon—one post at a time.
• Start with the posts that might help you today; read the rest when you have the resources to implement those.
• Come back after some months, and reread everything.
• Now, evaluate what you found useful, what helped you, and what makes sense from your perspective.
• Summarise what you saw in the previous stage, and devise a plan to do what you have to do.

This is the beginning of a series of posts where I share what I did and how I did it. In the coming weeks and months, I will publish posts that I believe will pay my debt to this sub.

When we made the decision to close the sub back in January 2020, many of you missed the helpful advice and the welcoming community that this sub had gathered since its creation. Many of you reached out to the moderators to let us know how much it has helped you, and asked if we would ever consider opening /r/GetSuave again.

Well, we are pleased to announce that the subreddit is currently open again in read-only mode (for now - not promising anything) and you can come join us on Discord! The new Discord will be a more informal setting, where you can feel comfortable asking questions and talking with fellow members without the pomp and circumstance of a full-blown reddit post. The best part? /u/champagne_mansion is already there. We hope to see you there!

I'm a senior in HS and have senior quotes due soon. At odds with how I should approach it, and want something iconic to look back on in 30-40 years. Any suggestions?

Lately, the subscriptions and traffic at GetSuave have spiked. I'd like to take the time to welcome new subscribers! It's nice to see a lot of people having things to say both in the comments and in the sub.

But with a lot of new users come some challenges. In the past, that included spam on the front page, which we remedied by changing this to a text-only sub. That seems to have taken care of a lot of the direct links to YouTube videos and blog posts that weren't really contributing much to discussion here.

With the new traffic, I've noticed some new problems that have to be addressed. Namely:

• Spam/low-effort posts. Don't get me wrong: it's great to see people who want to contribute. But a lot of the posts recently have been borderline Tweets, and it's not really contributing to the discussion.
• Gender politics. This is already a rule, but it bears repeating: we're not here to bash women or discuss gender politics. Obviously we're going to have to talk about some of these dynamics with the topics of this sub, but if you find yourself blaming an entire gender for your problems, maybe this isn't the sub for you. If you don't like that, the Internet is full of places where you can talk about these things.
• Piracy. Again, the Internet is a big place. Seek your buried treasure elsewhere.

With that in mind, I'm updating the rules. Just note that the mods reserve the right to mute and/or ban users at their discretion. Thus far, it hasn't had to happen too often, and hopefully we can keep it that way.

Since I'm going to pin this to the sub, please feel free to post your thoughts, comments, and feedback below, including unrelated thoughts about the sub and the moderation.

So I’ve been talking to this really cute girl for months. In person, I’m able to be fun and flirty without hesitation. But when it comes to texting, I can’t think of anything to say to save my life. With other people, I can message back within a couple seconds, but with her (and other girls too I guess), it takes 10+ minutes to think of a solid response.

It sounds dumb (probably because it is) but right now I type all of my texts in notes before I send them so it doesn’t look like I’ve read her text (and so she can’t see the iMessage bubbles) and often hesitate and find myself sitting there contemplating what to say or if what I have is a good response.

I don’t have to do this with anyone else and feel like she is wondering what’s going on because she will text back within a minute and I sometimes won’t text back for twenty. It’s starting to get embarrassing and I don’t know what to do.

So... how can I start knowing what to say and replying faster?

When your becoming Suave you see a fellow human on a rough road or akward be the suave mentor they need

1 Mindset matters 7 years ago when my girlfriend cheated on me with every guy in my class I wondered why would this happen to me but I realized how bad I was in the mind all I only wanted her because I thought he last name was really cool and she was not from Finland where I was at the time so I needed common senese and once I got it I applied it and look at me now

2 Staying on the grind living in Finalnd I hated it borning nothing to do but I was lazy and then I thought wow I really want to move so I worked and worked got a job on the side as a bar manager got 2 hours of sleep but geuss what I wanted to move and I needed money so I stayed on this grind for 2 years do not quit one grind to find who you are never be lazy multitask you'll thank yourself later I even taught myself English in a year

3 Spring fling now I know what your thinking what could this one possibly mean well no katter where you are people will know you at different levels for example girls at the gym,workplace or prison wherever you are know you at a different level than the girls from the outside do once that confidence and mindset game changes and your in a foreign city approach whoever it is you want confidence can be a lie because if you dont have experience how can you build confidence you need that mindset

4 understanding social niches you must remember the what the suave guy is the suave guy is not the big mean guy the smart rich nerd none of that is suave the suave guy is the guy can divert attention from girls of all niches from the main guy of the group and swoop in and get her from any setting niches learn them know them be the wild card

5 understanding the freindly meter everyone has diffrent levels of this freind meter impressions determine this quite a bit if a girls being nice and you think is she flirting with you think is she being like this to everyone else if you ask her about her name will she ask about yours back be smart and suave remember this meter can change wether for friendly or romantic reaons but never waste your time

You guys this goes out to all the youngesters out there who need to get suave mindset matters 7 years ago I was just like you but my mindset changed first and that was the first step new mindset for just a month

I lived in Finland all my life I always wanted to move as an adult because I hated how terrible it was. But I had the wrong mindset and even was cocky and depressed and at the age of 21 I can easily say 7 years ago was the worse period of my life my gf had cheated with every guy in my class I was getting into drugs. Well what changed you may ask? What changed was my mindset I found out about the suave community and now I'm living in a completely diffrent part of Europe and a girl on my phone for each day of the week to anyone struggling you can do it. GET SUAVE

Meaning things like knowing how to change a tire, knowing how to cook, being able to whistle etc.

I’m starting to realize how important confidence is and how much I can improve in that area. I don’t have social anxiety but I’m not the most confident person and I wanna change that. I’ve heard rejection therapy and shame attacking exercises are great for increasing social confidence, has anyone tried it before?

I was born with good genetics, my mother was the spitting image of Reese Witherspoon when she was younger and I thankfully inherited the square jaw and high cheekbones. Then when I entered my teens, all that disappeared. My chin "receded", my cheekbones disappeared and I just had an unaesthetic face.

Oh wait, no, I just gained a ton of weight and my second chin ate the first one while my puffy cheeks filled out the hollow of my cheeks. The weight has been coming off and my face is improving again. And wouldnt you know it, 90% of the before and after mewing photos look like they have the same phenomenon going on. before and after

If I'm dead wrong and this changed your life let me know, because it is really interesting.

Wow what a complete shit hole. Why would anyone take questionable advice from an anonymous Redditor claiming that they’re the thing you want to be? They’re probably just as clueless as you (hence all of the contradictory and dodgy advice here lol). The blind leading the blind.

Since when is “suave” something people look for in a partner in the 21st century anyway? Suave = pretentious asshole to most people.

Suave

I would say I have average social skills and confidence as of now. I'm reading The Charisma Myth and doing a lot of work on incorporating the concepts in it. What else can I do/read to help me become a Charismatic person? I don't care how tough it is or how long it takes I just want to know what direction I should be going in.

Love isn't dead. We've just forgotten how to express and experience it.

#How I Plan to Help Myself

In creating this guide, I feel it's necessary to be honest with all of you, since I'm hoping you'll all accept and develop through the work I'm about to put forth. I'm not doing this purely out of the goodness of my heart, and though that's probably obvious when thought about, I want to be completely transparent. In creating this guide, I'm hoping to develop my skills as a writer, as writing and self-expression are both things I genuinely love. I've given a lot of advice and guidance to people over my 5 months on Reddit, but I've never gone to the extent of combining and formatting the knowledge I've gained over the years into one central place.

My dream is to make a living as a writer, and I've found that I get the most enjoyment out of writing about personal development. I've never felt so good about helping people in any other fashion than the writing I've done here on Reddit, and this guide personally serves as a measure of my current ability.

• Are my words powerful enough to get people to listen?

• Are my words impelling enough to inspire people to change?

• Are my words clear enough for anyone to understand and learn from?

• Are my words helping people?

These are the personal questions that arise within me as I prepare to create this guide for all of you. It's feedback that I hope to gain from each and every one of you as I continue to post throughout the coming weeks. I'm not just creating this guide to help you guys. I'm doing it to help myself as well. So, along with helping yourselves, I hope you'll be willing to give me criticism as to how you feel about my guides, and if they've helped you in any way.

That said, I'd like to share with you what I intend to do for you through this guide.

#How I Plan to Help You

This guide isn't going to be something you read once, save, and never read again. I'm not just going to give you methods and techniques to get the girl, or nail your first date, or finally get her to say yes to being your girlfriend.

This guide is about you.

Throughout all of the subreddits that have anything to do with dating, relationships, and social skills, everybody seems far too focused on receiving the best methods and techniques they can implement right now, in order to get results. They work, don't get me wrong, but their effectiveness is temporary. You're only able to follow instruction so long as things go according to plan. Once you're caught off guard, your false confidense crumbles, and you immediately revert right back to the person you've always been.

Meak, shy, scared, uncertain, doubtful, and lost.

Guys seem far too focused on getting a girl in order to prove to themselves, and the people around them, that they're worthy of attention, validation, and love. They listen to the guy that already has everything they want, and simply follow steps to a formula, instead of asking more personal questions that help them overcome their deep-rooted problems that are causing so much of their failures.

• Why are you insecure in the first place?

• Why don't you have any confidence or self-esteem?

• Why is talking to women so difficult for you?

• Why don't you feel that you're good enough?

This guide is meant to be a magnifying glass to your own life, your own issues, and your own internal damage. Learning to be suave outwardly won't do anything for any of you, if you never learn to understand, accept, and overcome the things within that are keeping you from the success you truly want. Whether that be in dating, or life in general.

I'm going to share with you all, the reasons you're so fucked up. I'm going to show you the reasons you have so many problems in your dating, social, and personal life in a way that you'll be able to finally understand and reflect upon. I'm going to teach you the methods of self-discovery that I've found to personally work for me, and people I've helped before. And finally, once all the internal work is done, then I'll share with you how to get everything you want in love, sex, and relationships.

This won't be easy. And though there will certainly be fun moments, it will also be painful. For those of you that are serious about improving yourselves, this is the beginning of a personal journey. Along that journey, you're going to learn the following:

I. Understanding Your Past

• How your past is connected to your failing or nonexistent relationship skills.

• What experiences from your past are hindering your successes with relationships and women.

• Who’s fault it is that you're so fucked up.

• How to forgive the people that caused you the damage you suffer from today.

• How to overcome the trauma and damage you experienced from your past.

• How to believe that it's possible for you to heal and improve.

II. Understanding Yourself

• How to take control and responsibility for yourself, your mistakes, and your circumstances so you can begin discovering who you actually are.

• How to finally understand where and how you fucked up in the past to ruin potential relationships.

• How to clear the fog within, and truly figure out what you want out of a relationship, and a woman.

• How to begin building yourself into the type of person you want to become.

• How to break out of your shell, and become a social and confident machine.

III. Understanding Women

• What women want.

• How to know she's into you.

• How to pass the tests she gives you.

• How to understand her actions, behaviors, and thoughts.

• How to know she's date/relationship worthy.

• And more..

IV. Understanding Relationships

• How to introduce yourself effectively.

• How to initiate and carry on a conversation.

• How to ask for her number.

• How to set up the first date.

• How to prepare yourself (and her) for the first date.

• How to act on the first date.

• How to handle physical contact and intimacy while dating.

• How to end the first date effectively.

• How to plan subsequent dates.

• How to text her when dating.

• How to move on to exclusivity.

• How things change once you're in a relationship and beyond.

I thank anyone who makes the decision to take their development into their own hands, and learn from what I'll be sharing here. I'm not going to say that everything I say is absolutely correct, but it's given me success in my years of personal development and improvement, as well as the people I've helped over the months. To keep from flooding the sub too frequently, I'll be making a post every Monday. After a couple submissions, depending on the feedback from you readers, I'll either adjust my posting time, or keep it as is.

That's all for now. I look forward to working with you all!

P.S. I need a title for this guide, so if any of you comes up with a clever name, please share it here!

Edit: No worries guys. Though the title has women and dating in it, like I've mentioned, this guide is extensively about personal success. You don't succeed with women, dating, or relationships unless you succeed with discovering yourselves. This guide will cover everything you need, not just how to get a girlfriend.

I was recommended this sub by u/Zaquarius_Alfonzo a little while ago, and reading through some of the posts written up by u/champagne_mansion, I was heavily inspired to share my knowledge on the topics of building self worth, self esteem, confidence, and using those things to cultivate happiness in life and in relationships.

If anyone is interested, you can look at some of my past posts on other subreddits through my profile, but I realized I've never actually collectively shared my knowledge in one place, with a consistent group of people looking to improve themselves. And since this community is relatively small compared to others, I felt it's be great to share that information here, as hopefully, there would be more genuine engagement.

Before I do something like that though, I'd like to know if people here would be interested? I've already made a previous post here, asking for questions people have, but I feel simply sharing everything I've gained and experienced over the years would be more beneficial overall.

Glad you guys are interested! That said, I'll be posting next week on Monday with a blueprint of everything I plan to share with you guys. It'll basically be a central spot for all of the posts that'll come throughout the period of this guide. See you guys then. Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi all,

I've consumed a lot of attraction/dating material and if I were to suggest one book to any man looking to improve their dating life, it would be Models by Mark Manson. I found embedding the contents of this book into my sub-conscious very useful.

I've made a video on it explaining some of the key points, if you'd rather read I've also put some notes together from the book. Let me know what you think!

Link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRQJMoan-Hg&t=0s

Non-neediness

“Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the perceptions of others”

A needy man is inherently unattractive, in dating a needy man will try too hard to impress others, in relationships he will invest more in the other person than himself. Non-neediness is when a man is more invested in himself than others, he is confident in himself and his prospects to act how he wants to act without fear of rejection.

Some men over-compensate in an attempt to appear non-needy, in ways such as rehearsing pickup lines, trying too hard to impress women or being over zealous in asserting their ‘alpha male’ attitude. The theme in Models is “Why pretend to be awesome, when you can simply be awesome instead?”

“Take a moment to consider…That before meeting a woman, instead of worrying whether or not she will like you, you could wonder if you will like her.”

Vulnerability

For Manson, vulnerability means putting yourself in a position where you might get rejected or rebuked, voicing a risky opinion, introducing yourself to strangers, asking a girl out on a date and so on. This shows a man is confident enough to face rejection in the face and say “this is who I am, take it or leave it” this again shows non-neediness.

Vulnerability also means opening up to others about your innermost feelings, insecurities and doubts, as once you do this it’s easier for others to open up in front of you, building stronger relationships. But it’s not about sharing sob stories in the hope of getting laid, it’s about intention, doing the former will avoid in women sussing out that you are just trying to have sex and that it’s merely another performance. And all performance is neediness. Vulnerability is not something you practice, it’s a state of mind that is going to allow for a greater emotional connection and conversation with women. It’s not what you are saying but the intention behind the words.

Be honest with yourself and your life story, and share it! Humans are attracted to each others’ rough edges anyway.

“How attractive you are is based on your lack of neediness. Your non-neediness is based on how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself. And how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself is based on how honest you are to yourself and others.”

Intention

What you say doesn’t matter, why you say it matters

We don’t trust somebody complimenting us unless we’ve earned it first, it comes off as too needy in terms of trying to win approval. Express honest appreciation of others strengths, ideally something that they are not normally praised for. Say it without expecting anything in return.

“You cannot be an attractive and life-changing presence to some women without being a joke or an embarrassment to others. You simply can’t. You have to be controversial. You have to polarize.

Develop opinions, about everything. Question yourself to think “how do I feel about this?” when reading a book, watching a film…

Communicate your awareness of any bold or risky move “Excuse me, I know this is kind of random but…” or “I know we’ve just met but…” You want to make sure that your boldness is fuelled by confidence and not sociopathy.

Give yourself permission to be creepy, sometimes awkward situations occur, as long as you’re respectful in how you express yourself there should never be a serious problem. She doesn’t want to reject you. She wants you to be that man, she’s rooting for you.

Don’t get fancy with opening lines, spending 10 minutes thinking of the perfect line is needy. Never approach for any other reason than simply wanting to talk, see rejection as a win-win situation (worst case scenario, you save yourself lots of time)

Use statements & cold reading instead of ordinary questions, make an assumption about them, you’ll either get it right or they’ll correct you and continue the conversation.

Be open about yourself

Get her to be open about herself

Relate to each others experiences

Polarisation

“The first step to being more attractive is to see rejection as a means to eliminate women who won't make you happy from your life. It's a blessing, not a curse.”

Women you meet can be divided into three categories, neutral, receptive and un-receptive. Women who are unreceptive are not interested in you, this could be for multiple reasons, forget them and move on. Neutral women haven’t decided whether they are interested in you or not yet, women typically don’t stay in the neutral area and either become receptive or un-receptive.

The goal with neutral women is to polarise them so that they make a decision on whether they like you or not. This may mean flirting with them, teasing them, asking them out on a date, or smiling at them from across the room. Receptive women will reciprocate your advances and are already interested in you.

“The Friend Zone typically occurs when a man meets a Receptive or Neutral woman but never makes a move or expresses his interest. Instead, he behaves pleasantly, like a good friend would. In his mind, this is great because it means she likes talking to him, laughs at his jokes, etc. But because he’s withholding his sexual interest, he’s placing himself in her mind firmly in the “friend” camp.”

“The percentage of women who are Receptive to you will increase proportionally to the quality of your lifestyle, your social status, and your looks. The percentage of women that you’re able to move from Neutral to Receptive will be proportional to how good your “game” is, or how well you’re able to communicate and express yourself with women. And your ability to sort through each type of women and meet as many as possible will be determined by how fearless and bold you are when it comes to meeting women.”

The THREE FUNDAMENTALS

1. Creating an attractive and enriching lifestyle.
2. Overcoming your fears and anxiety around socializing, intimacy and sexuality.
3. Mastering the expression of your emotions and communicating fluidly.”

Another year of my life is gonna tick past in 3 1/2 months and I'm starting feel really... alone. I dont even really know how it's happened but I dont really want a pity thread, I'm just wondering if anyone here was a late bloomer.

Hi I'm new to this sub and already have a question. Could someone explain to me what charisma is and how do I learn it?

I was recently introduced to this subreddit, and I'm very excited to share some insights, experiences, and stories that can help you guys develop and improve yourself. That said, what are some things some of you have struggled with, and need help or guidance in, that you haven't yet seen discussed in this space?

Couldn't fully tell because there is only one-sentenced description. Should I think of this similar to r/seduction or being more of "a gentlemen" in general?

​

Thanks.

Sorry if this is a no-question thread, I’m new to reddit. Anyway, all my friends pull chicks that they apperantly find on Instagram.
Now, I just don’t understand how you create an online conversation out of thin air. Like, when I meet people in real life we’re in some kind of setting so there’s something to talk about, but just sending a girl a message out of the blue feels really unnatural to me. “Hi” “Hi” “How are you” “Good how are you” AND THEN WHAT?

For a few years now, Apple has allowed you to send short disappearing voice messages through the messages app. I started sending some messages to the girls I'm dating with the voice feature, and the response has been extremely positive. One girl straight up said she likes hearing my voice. Another girl said I'm the only person that has ever sent her a voice message and she loves it.

Before you do this, make sure your voice fundamentals are where they need to be: check the codex for the voice tips. Avoid ums to the best of your ability. I also recommend sending texts periodically instead of exclusive voice messages, because when they disappear, it looks like a completely one sided text convo and girls might be put off by that.

Someone suggested volunteering. Have you guys tried that?

Any other good tips?

I took a girl out on Friday night and she was quite different in person than she appeared over text messages. She kept talking about astrology and had incredibly poor eye contact. She was nice at least so it wasn't so bad that I wanted to completely shut it down. I had picked her up at her house and then we drove to a place that was 20m away, so no matter how I ended it, I was still going to have to drive her 20m home. Ultimately, the date lasted 3 hours and I knew it wasn't going to work out in the first 20m. Thoughts?

I have about 150 matches on tinder at the moment and for whatever reason, the girls in the area of the country that I'm in are indoctrinated with the stranger-danger, everyone-is-a-serial-killer mentality (its a wealthy white suburb) and I can't get anyone to agree to meet at the bar, meet at my house, or even fucking meet period without a very lengthy texting conversation, and I loathe texting. Last date I went on was at a Starbucks in broad daylight and the girl was too scared to even go into the Starbucks until I got there; literally just sat in the car and waited. Chase Amante from girlschase recommends inviting a date to your place to get her comfortable with the environment, having a drink or relaxing there for a little bit, going to the bar or going for a walk, and then returning to your place after, hopefully for sex. I like this format but the girls in my age range are too immature for it, often times not even old enough to go to the bar.

In retrospect this seems like more of a rant than a question, but has anyone dealt with this situation before? New college grad trying to date college girls and other new grads.