I suppose the name says it all. I (32) and my SO (Also 32) have been in a relationship for multiple years. I will admit I've always been prone to become co-dependent on people, even in friendships. Also I don't know if this is a fitting place for all this or what, so apologies if it is not.

I'm struggling these days because in my relationship. I KNOW it is not a good situation. While I may be co-dependent, I've also always been fairly social. The issue is that over the years, I've become more and more isolated. I find more and more of my time taken up by my SO, who also has their own issues with co-dependency. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with them, and maybe I'm a jerk for this, but part of me misses having a social circle like I did? I find myself thinking of how many friends I used to get along with that I rarely talk to because they didn't mesh with my partner. The fact that they increasingly got more and more possessive of me.. where time spent with me almost feels like a resource to them thar should be hoarded all to themselves.

And the scary thing is I think part of me relished in it. It was intoxicating almost because while it was clearly a red flag from the start... to me. It was to be loved. To have someone who wanted me around literally all the time and it made me feel special in a way that I couldn't do for myself. And now, I look back and I see how my desperation to be perfect for them has allowed me to give up things I cared about.

And I suppose this is really where my co-dependency comes in because even though I know all this. Even though I know part of why I wanted to be with them is because they made me feel valuable, like I was worth the time they put in... I know that it isn't working. It's not that I'm the love of their life, but... I feel like a prized possession... something that everyone can admire from afar, but never touch. I know all this but I can't... do anything. I've talked to many friends about the more specific details of our relationship this way, and most if not all of the suggest breaking up. To cut ties, wish them a good life and move on.

But I can't. I'm terrified of it. I don't know what it is But even though I know they aren't good for me. Even though I know they put an extreme amount of stress and anxiety onto me... I can't let go. I'm scared to, I worry that maybe I'm overreacting and it's actually not that bad. I second guess myself even though all these negative thoughts about our relationship build more and more... I still can't.

I think of our fights where I hear in their voice how desperate they are to keep me in their life. "Please, don't leave me.." and it haunts me.

I guess I'm here to ask people... how do you do it? How can I start living for myself instead of living for them?

Also apologies... anything I do in text is WAY too wordy.

I am working on my recovery from codependency for three years. My husband is in recovery from his addictions. This year I realized how I completely ignored my physical, mental and spiritual health. I went to therapy, worked the steps, did EMDR and DBT. I just had surgery and need more. My husband and I came to the agreement it isn't going to work out. I will never trust him. He doesn't take care of himself. He is going to stay until I can physically get back to work. I am a travel nurse but not sure if I could go back to it. I am 58 and can't afford to retire. I thought we could make are marriage work, but both of us are struggling to love and care for ourselves. I never had unconditional love growing up and learning to give it to myself isn't easy. I still think of people pleasing and am grieving so much lost. After 19 years of being together it is hard. I realize he made me his Mom, which I hate. He is very defiant. My kids don't respect me. I don't think many people do. I know it starts with me. I always had trouble making decisions or moving forward. I am tired wven after one year off from working. I worked my whole adult life and 29 years as a nurse.

Strap in, this is a long one. I am not codependent, but my best friend is with her mom. I will try to keep this short.

We are 30, I have been gently trying to tell her that she has codependent tendencies with her mom for maybe the last 10 years. She and her husband live at home with her mom. They don’t go on vacations as husband and wife because her mom feels left out and guilts them. My friend manages the finances for the household, mother constantly overspends, and mom lashes out at her when she tells her she can’t afford something but makes no effort to manage her own finances. Every time I ask her to hang out with me, she says she really wants to but she can’t because her mom will be mad if she leaves the house (she gets guilt tripped, “you hate me you don’t care about this family you’re never home” etc) There are innumerable other examples of weird behavior, this is just a sampler.

Both she and her husband have no goals besides keeping her mom “happy” (I know this because I have asked.) Mom is, of course, NEVER happy, but that doesn’t stop them from trying, regardless of how ridiculous her emotional needs are. This friend has acknowledged herself that she is codependent, and she is very depressed, and feels there is no point to life. She just had another breakdown at work because her mom was really mean to her the night before, we talked through it, but yet again, nothing changes. She seems completely resigned to wasting her life this way. She will say things like “I wish she would just move back to (their country or origin)” but it’s clear that mom will not be doing that. It seems like she is looking for some magic bullet easy way out where she would never have to disappoint her mom, but that is never coming.

I was sad when I realized recently that I have kind of lost faith in her ever pulling herself out of this. I have tried my best to be there for her, and give love where I could, and lately, tried a firmer approach, but nothing seems to get through. For example, in times we have discussed women who go back to abusive/cheating partners, she has shown very little empathy (we hate in others what we hate in ourselves, right?) and I pointed out to her that I basically watch her do the same thing with her mom every day. She apologized (???) and said she would try to do better and I assured her I wasn’t trying to attack her or give her other stressful things to think about, but as someone who loves her, I can’t just sit by and watch her keep wasting her life.

She and her husband could easily move out, they have good enough salaries between them, I promise you the only thing holding them back is their own codependency. They are so afraid of her mom being upset. For the record, she has never been physical with them, just emotionally abusive. As someone who was also abused as a kid but took the opposite approach (doing everything they didn’t like just to spite them) it’s hard for me to relate and I really don’t want to accidentally give bad advice.

What would you guys recommend for someone who is seemingly truly stuck in these patterns? I just want to see her happy. It kills me inside watching her waste her life and as a friend I am starting to feel a bit unloved as well. I am trying not to take it personally but it does hurt seeing her prioritize someone who always treats her poorly over her friends that really like her and want to see her. She has already lost most of her friendships and I don’t want to give up on her too. We have known each other since grade school so this is very important to me. Appreciate you taking the time to read and best of luck in your healing journeys as well.

I'm sorry for the title, maybe it sounds too intense but that's how I'm feeling right now.

I was dating a woman for 4 months and we broke up because she stopped having feelings for me. Bit by bit I started to see how she lost interest in me and she didn't realize it because of her avoidant personality. All of this happened this Monday because she couldn't give me a response if she wanted me or not. And it ended up her telling me she wants to feel something but she can't. And it's hard for her to give me a answer.

And I feel completely broken. I can't stop thinking about her at all. I associate everything with her. Music, my garden, movies and places. It's hard for me to get out of the house because of the fear of seeing her (we live extremely close). And I know I need to recover from my codependent issues, but I miss her touching my hair. I miss her asking how was my day or getting me a candy or giving anything. I miss when we took pictures together, and how she smiled at me. I miss how secure she made me feel and when she would tell me if I needed anything that I could text her or call her. But bit by bit she changed and it destroyed me.

I feel I lost my purpose completely. I feel bored of everything and everything feels grey. How can I find the motivation to not be codependent?

I feel like writing this is a desperate attempt at dealing with a lot confusing, exhausting and challenging emotions right now. I've just discovered the term "Codependency" and as I read about it, it really resonated with me and gave me some hope that I have a problem to fix rather than just me being "broken".

Long story short, I've always been a people pleaser. It's how I was raised "Don't talk back", "don't make waves", "do as your told" etc. I believe because of this, fearing of getting in trouble for standing up for myself made me the target of a lot of bullying for 6 years. Naturally that trauma fed into my adulthood and I'm seeing the damaging effects that had on me now. I'm not only too afraid of standing up for myself but I also fear what others may think of me.

Why has this all come to a head all of a sudden? My only child is starting school next year. To help integrate her into the environment, she attends a playgroup at the school once a week for two hours. One of the Mums there whose son is also starting next year has become a massive problem. She and I have a history (school friends of 17 years. Read a small backstory here https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/e0ixy6Mq2V). Our children have grown up together and have become so close. They went through daycare and preschool together and now starting school. They light up when they see each other. I always knew his mother was toxic (read the link to help get an idea of you like) but I just couldn't pull away and I never knew why.

I finally had enough and after many many months (yes months) of trying to find the strength to put in some boundaries, I finally did it and now I'm fucking regretting it. With a person such as this who I'm dealing with, a discussion with her about her behavior would have been futile based on our history. She never takes any form of criticism well and she can be socially dangerous if she feels threatened. So I decided to just start pulling away slowly. Accepting fewer invites to do things (she constantly invited my daughter and I to things which at the time seemed lovely but now I'm on the outside it was a form of control), telling her less and less about my life and also restricting her (and mutual friends because she would have asked them to check for her) FB account from seeing everything in my profile. It actually surprised me how little time it took her to learn she was restricted... It scared me.

I thought she'd get the hints and just get bored of me and our friendship would naturally fade away. Well wasn't that the mistake of the century. After the last time we spoke in person (which was imo cordial at least and I spoke about that in the link in this post), she spiraled a week later. Unfriended me and my family, got her friend to message me to tell me how terrible I am and went ahead to remove herself from every group chat we were both apart of, including chats that haven't been active in 2 years. It was a statement move, I know.

On the side of all this, there is another Mum at playschool who I had been speaking with since earlier on in the year. Form some reason, I find myself really wanting her approval. It's frustrating me because I know I shouldn't but she has this powerful aura about her and I just want her to like me. Fast forward again, about 5 months later she meets the mum mentioned above and says to me "Yeah I don't think we're going to be friends". She based this on the toxic mums comments about breastfeeding (toxic mum is a "free the tit" kind of feeder and shames anyone who is otherwise), and also other remarks she heard her make in my absence (touched on this in the link) as well as things she's done. She has not made it a secret to me her feelings about my old friend.

In between all this, I've started to really panic and worry about how I act around this new mum. If she doesn't respond to a message (which she rarely does and she's acknowledged that without me asking), I start to freak that the other Mum has gotten to her. But I've never spoken with her about it because I know I'm being insane. Like when she invited my daughter and I over for a playdate (the only time she's done it), I became so happy and felt so validated and safe. She hasn't invited us since and has been busy when I've offered. But she's been nice to me still at the playschool days.

This playschool date last week has me spiralling. I arrive a little later and see the new mum talking with the toxic one and when they realized I was arriving, they quickly stopped talking and the new mum walked off. That made my stomach drop and Ive felt like I couldn't breathe since then. After I settled in and saw my daughter was off playing happily, the new mum did come over eventually and sit with me but the conversation seemed forced. That could have been because my walls were way up but I felt really uncomfortable. Unsafe even. She was spending her time between both the toxic mum and myself (separately) and all that was going through my head was all the comments she's made about this toxic mum and how she didn't like her, yet she was acting like they were friends. I was so confused and all my alarm bells were going off.

At the end of the playschool session, I'm standing with the new mum and the toxic one walks by on her way to leave and the new mum shouts "See ya, woman! Don't forget to send me those photos!"... This is after the new mum told me that the toxic one found out her phone number and messaged her out of the blue and she proceeded to tell the toxic mum that it wasnt ok for her to do that. Only a month ago... And now that comment? My heart fucking sank and I've been a mess since.

Meanwhile, during the last three playschool session since the big FB fiasco I mentioned earlier, the toxic mum has gone out of her way to exclude me. If we're sitting with our kids on a picnic rug, she'll sit beside me but turn her back to me, cutting me out of the conversation. She's going out of her way to talk to the new mum because she knows we were becoming friends. It's like she's trying to destroy me rather than just leave me alone and I'm fucking terrified this is going to spread down to my child.

I wish I didn't care with this new mum thought of me.... Ive really tried hard not to. I don't have this reaction to any of the other Mums in that group. I don't know if I felt safe around her as she made me believe she saw the toxic friend for what she was (without my input. I never said I word to her about the old friend). I felt like I could breath when she was making comments about the toxic mum because it was like 'Finally, someone who sees her how I do' and now it seems like she's forming a friendship anyway.

I feel so alone and I'm so scared for my daughter. What if she misses out of friendships because of other mums talking about me because of the old toxic friend and they don't want their child playing with mine as a result?

I honestly feel like I can't breathe. I just want one good, trustworthy friend who I can feel safe around and I thought this new mum was it.

Sorry for the long post so if you've read it all, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I really need some helpful advice here no matter how black and white. I need honesty. Xx

So long story short, I once had a therapist tell me point blank that my mother and grandmother had groomed me for codependency from a young age. I have cycled from one codependent obsession to the next, and while I am working on it with my current therapist I feel stuck in a specific situation right now with a friend.

When I met her it was shortly before my mom passed away, and this friend was recently sober from hard drugs and diagnosed with bpd and schizoaffective disorder which is something my mom also had. It was really nice to have someone that both understood my upbringing, enjoyed going out in nature and talking about music, and was working on improving their life. She used to be really self aware about why she wanted to stay sober and work towards being a more open honest person.

Fast forward a year and things are completely different, she's relapsed hard and is back to the same lies/manipulative behaviors she told me she never wanted to do again. It's never been towards me, at least as far as I know. But she's gone from saying "I know I fucked up with that person" to "actually I was right to say those awful things to them because they deserved it and made me feel xyz" and I know this is a common cluster b thing, but it's really hard to watch when she used to be self aware about wanting to change. I almost tried to get her to go inpatient when her drug use seemed to really be effecting her psychosis before talking it out with a family member that has experience with psychosis and addiction, they told me that it would be better to tell her I would support her if she sought help but not to force hospitalization on her. So I have tried but she is still an adult that makes her own decisions and part of my desperation to save her is that I couldn't save my mom.

She asks me to hang out and I make excuses because I don't want to be around the drugs she's doing and I'm upset with how she's treated mutual friends. If this was one or two years ago I feel like we could've had a conversation about this but now it's like she's in too much denial and fear (and the hard drug use worsening her symptoms does not help). A lot of it is selfish of me, if I was in a better place emotionally I wouldn't be thinking about her and how frustrated I am all the time. I've tried telling her I miss her and she tells me she doesn't even know who she is and it's terrifying and sad. She says she misses me but the past times I've seen her all she wants to talk about is drugs and the existential stuff people in deep psychosis want to talk about (if you've experienced it you know what I'm talking about, like stuff about time and the universe and spiritual annihilation that's hard to comprehend). It's triggering the fuck out of me because it's how my mom talked during her episodes. I can't be around her when she's like this and doesn't want help but then I can't stop thinking about what I wish I could say to her if she was able to listen to me. I don't know how to create healthy distance from her in my brain even while avoiding seeing her in person. I really think she can get better but I know I cannot be the one to help when I get so easily triggered. So I'm asking for myself how I can manage my mental state here.

I feel like im finally starting to heal from my divorce. But at the same time I dont want to deal with people. I just want to be alone at home and not interact with anybody.

Im dissapointed at the marriage failing, myself, my wife. I have a hard time trusting people, even myself. I feel like everybody is so fucked up. Maybe its the avoidant in me wanting to hermit.

I did meet a wonderful woman and we are in a LDR. But maybe its too soon.

Its hard to interact now, because for the first time in my life my boundaries are so clear. I dont tolerate shit from anybody. If someone does or says something mean or does something I dont like it triggers me to tell them right away.

Im not sure if im overly sensitive or have I just been a push over most of my life. I try to see every miniscule red flag in people. Id rather be alone than around toxic shit ever again, since it made me a toxic, self hating person myself in the end.

Once I realised other people are not responsible for my happiness, I dont know what their place is in my life basically.

Anybody experienced the same?

I want to preface this with that my relationship was full of love and support but my ex finally reached a breaking point after I pushed him too far and thus decided to end the relationship to encourage us to work on ourselves. I decided to sever contact. I love him and his family dearly, but moving on is impossible without complete distance. We’ve haven’t spoken for 5 days now and I’m losing my mind. I keep selfishly hoping that he’ll reach out to me even though I truly believe the break up was the healthiest decision for both of us, and wouldn’t want to get back together if I had the choice. But that still doesn’t stop me from grasping for the comfort he represents….he was my support system and my favorite person. We were together for 4 years. He was my world. I spent most of my time with him, he was at the center of all my plans for the future. Now I feel like I’ve lost a major piece of myself from this event and I’m spiraling. I stopped eating (not intentionally), sleeping is a challenge, I cry for hours, and the grief is taking up all my mental energy. How do I regain control of my impulses? How do I resist the urge to compulsively obsess over his social media/life? How do I prioritize myself and minimize the amount of energy I invest into thinking about him?

I’ve been sober from alcohol for two months now. Also got out of a 6 year abusive relationship. Met a random guy. Liked him a lot because he was nice but realized I was getting intense feelings. I was like this is weird, what is this? Why are these feelings so deep? Why do I feel the need to be with him NOW? Why am I crying over this RANDOM guy? Ha! Typical addict behavior with deep rooted insecurity. I have come to the conclusion that my brain has latched onto this guy and I am rationally trying to fight the urge of giving in. On a less humorous note, this really sucks. Help

Tldr: I realized that I (33F) was looking to my partner (27M) to fulfill my needs for happiness, so I moved out and have been fulfilling my own needs for the first time in my life.

Every time I would be stressed out or depressed, I would expect him to fix it for me. I would neglect all of my chores because I was busy (I work A LOT) or anxious or depressed, and he would keep the world together for me. He did a phenomenal job of supporting me that way, his love language is acts of service. But the thing is, it never resonated with me as an expression of love. I would come to expect it and take it for granted, and get hung up on the fact that he couldnt help me when I was sad. He doesn't talk about emotions, it's not that he doesn't want to but has trouble accessing his own and even more trouble verbalizing them. He also never knew the right thing to say to me. So I began to wonder if he was right for me, because he wasn't giving me everything I need.

A little context about me- I'm a dirty rotten serial dater. I've never really been single at all. I hop from one relationship to the next because I CANNOT be alone. And I have trouble saying no if someone wants me, so I'll allow myself to get into relationships I don't actually want for the sake of being in one.

I finally decided to move out, while still keeping a door open for me to come back if I want. He supports this journey I'm forcing myself on, and believes it's the right move to getting better. I thought, I have to learn to be alone and gain the skills to decide if either he's right for me but my expectations are too high and unrealistic, or he's not right and I keep looking. It was really hard at first. I cried for weeks. I didn't eat because I couldn't decide for myself when to eat, or what to eat. I would lay in my bed on my phone texting other people and wondering why they weren't responding quick enough.

But it got better. I started to take myself out to lunch. I've become a regular at a little dumpling shop and take comfort in the routine. I get home from work at night, have one beer and some dinner, and go to bed reading my book. (I'm reading codependency no more and also A Psalm for the Wild Built by Becky Chambers. It's a beautiful and simple little book, like a warm cup of tea for the lonelyhearted) I open the window at night and lay my head on the window sill to feel the cool wind on my face. It makes me feel thankful to be alive, for the first time in years.

We've met up a couple times. Yesterday he kissed me and did something that I didn't like, and I TOLD HIM SO. I SAID NO YALL! I've never been so proud of myself.

I'm in Co-Dependents Anonymous,, and this week we are working on Step Four of Twelve Steps: make a moral inventory. Suffice to say, even as I fill it out, there just something about it that irks me to no end. A lot of it concerns my mother, and that's already a slippery slope. I'm also having a hard time deciding if my spouse (who I am currently separated from) should be on the exercise too. We used to be able to lean on each other and still take care of ourselves... But something somewhere changed. I know I can't go back and fix it, and I can't control her responses and the like... But damn if I got a little cross and hid my notebook from myself so I didn't have to complete the exercise.

I’m at a loss for words and can’t move or stop crying and so I’m coming here for support and to get my words out.

He went to rehab. I held down the fort. Our cats. Our life. 2 weeks into rehab he stopped calling for a while. When he did he was cold and called me by my first name instead of our pet name. Was chilling. I confronted him and he led me to believe he just needed time to work on himself. I was shocked and devastated as I thought we would work on things together - both our recoveries.

I supported him through everything way more than I should have. I have been doing coda and Alanon meetings and really focusing on my own patterns of behaviour. I even started therapy. 3 weeks of this , wondering what would be next for us, if we were going to work it out, wondering if he missed me or even what triggered this need for space. All I knew is that he wasn’t ready to breakup but didn’t know what he wanted. Fair enough. With coda and Alanon I was really starting to accept it. Move on.

I found out, not even from him, that he had “an affair in rehab” and that when she got out she relapsed so he called it off. He doesn’t know I know.

3.5 years of memories. I am so upset and I was doing so much progress in coda now it’s hard to focus on myself or my patterns I just want him to hurt and miss me and regret his actions forever. That toxic thinking will pass but it’s what I feel right now. The meeting this morning was about gratitude lol. I’m grateful to find out the person I loved is a liar and a cheat.

Been dating someone I've know forever for 9 weeks. We've gone through waves through most of that time due to her avoident attachment, hot and cold and push and pull behaviors. At the beginning I'd internalize it due to codependent tendencies and my anxiously attachment style, but it's actually allowing me not to get to attached. I'm still attentive, understanding, compassionate, thoughtful despite her not always being available.

She has 3 daughters, so they are her first priority obviously but she pulled back pretty far a few weeks ago reducing our time together to half or less of the time we used to spend. I did set a boundary about her calling more and she has respected that, with us talking on the phone for an hour yeyesterday in total time - so that was nice. But sometimes her actions and going cold feel like a test and I'm not reacting at all, ultimately building my patience in regards to it all. I've pulled myself back and am letting her come to me and not chasing her at all. After talking several times yesterday she said she loved me at the end of our conversation, I just wish I wasn't taking it as a gain of salt but I feel like I need to do so to protect myself.

For me, in the back of my mind I wonder if she'll pull back again after becoming increasingly vulnerable, attentive over the last few weeks. She did share in recent weeks how much she can see a great future for us, shared emotions about her past tramuas and is becoming more communicative in comparison to a few weeks ago.

But last night while talking she said couple things that revealed some red flags - how one of her daughters saw the benefit of lying to get out of plans and how her Dad avoids communication for days and days with her. Unfortunately these are patterns I've seen within her and she exhibited towards me, as I don't think she's always completely honest when she cancels plans and her avoident tendencies are evident. The unfortunate thing is it prevents me from really falling for her, as she keeps me at arms length from developing a connection. I hope the shift that's happened in authentic, but me second guessing it prevents me from falling completely for her. I fear at times it's a manipulation tactic and it sucks to second guess things and not to come across as arrogant but it'll be her loss in the end. As much as I've been in a place of being codependent and how I have had strong anxious attachment tendencies, this relationship is helping me develop a more secure attachment within myself. I've been chatting with my therapist about the situation with her, but my focus for our next session will be about me and developing more secure attachments. I'd love any input the community has, if you have some...

Trigger warning: brief mention of SA

This must be the millionth time I’ve had a breakup with my “best friend”/woman I’ve been seeing. This time it comes after what I consider a very serious manipulation that includes trying to punish me by making up a very preposterous story where she was supposedly abducted and SA’d as a result of me not begging her to get back into my car after she got out during a fight. It’s got enough similarities to a traumatic incident where an ex was actually assaulted years ago that I know it’s a story made up to trigger me into a guilt ridden anxious mess.

I can’t stand that I am manipulated so easily by being the more codependent one in this toxic relationship. Even if I white knuckle my way into “not caring” if she’s ignoring me, I ruminate constantly with my OCD. I lose composure with other friends and talk about it too much, so far they’ve been patient and tried to be there for me but my talking about it feels self-obsessed and I’m constantly apologizing if I slip up or they ask me how I’m doing or directly ask about her. I feel like my charisma vanished again, like the world is cold and without my “FP” for lack of a better term I have no one I can truly talk to and receive the right emotional support.

It feels weak, I know I’m being weak, and it’s making me even more negative in my thinking and the things I say even while trying to force positivity. My emotions are written on my face that I’m not good, I hate that I also can’t seem to hide it because my mind wanders and goes in circles. My anxiety that I take medication for (clonazepam) is in high gear constantly and the meds only prevent a total irrational panic attack. I feel like my identity disorder (BPD) is in full gear, along with the social anxiety and self hatred. A compulsion to shut down and be a recluse sets in when this happens and it takes all my effort to mitigate that.

I know the advice I will probably get is to attend CODA meetings, and I have a new therapist I’m having a first appointment with virtually today, but I haven’t ever had effectively helpful experiences with support groups or individual therapy.

I don’t want to dump on the few friends I have who care about me relentlessly, so I’m hyper vigilant about trying to stop myself right now. I hate that I feel like I need this woman to be in my life or I’m like a child lost in the grocery store. I don’t treat her like my mommy, but do confide in her a lot even knowing it’s being too codependent, like I need a second pair of eyes on my life to make adequate and informed decisions when I’m stressed or upset. I swear it’s like knowing I’m crazy to hinge so much of my mental security on this person, but it’s a pattern I’ve had in intimate relationships with long term partners as long as I can remember. Navigating life when I lose the relationship becomes exponentially harder, I shut down way more often, and my thinking becomes disorganized and erratic or completely dissociated/blank.

I can probably pre-empt everything the therapist would say, if I feel particularly vulnerable and ignore the shame associated with discussing this issue. I can know all the pattern-breaking techniques, all the self-affirmations, the meditative techniques, the journaling, and it never gets better until I get the relationship back or start a new codependency slowly with someone else (which isn’t intentional, and I have attempted to set verbal boundaries with multiple people that end up failing anyhow). That’s not to say it’s a parasitic relationship, as I am very caring and don’t ever act clingy or take more than I give, but I begin to need to know that that person affirms me even tacitly, and to the contrary— I actually get used and manipulated by the person I become codependent on pretty routinely.

tl;dr: This long diatribe can go to hell, I really hate my brain. Oops there’s that negative self talk again..

Hello fellow codependents! As many of you I have had my fair share of toxic relationships. I am currently going through a divorce with my ex that I was in a codependent, toxic relationship with. This relationship took a huge toll on my mental health and I can say for sure I hit bottom in it. Now being out of the relationship and taking the time and work I need to do to heal, I would say I’m in a much better place and I feel like I’ve moved more into a securely attachment whereas before I was incredibly anxiously attached. I’m now back into the dating world, it’s slow, but that’s what I wanted and needed. I’ve started to see one person in particular and it’s still very early but we are slowly developing a relationship. It feels much healthier and we’ve been developing more of a friendship first before any romantic connection. This all sounds lovely, however I have been feeling myself fall into a spiral of overthinking things. I’m aware that my codependent traits are starting to show. I’m organizing meetups and doing a lot of the checkins with this person. I feel like I have been giving more of myself and not receiving as much back. This isn’t on the other person. She is doing enough, I can see this is more me perhaps moving back into anxious attachment. This is causing me to feel some resentment and frustration. I’m afraid I’m self sabotaging because I haven’t felt a healthy relationship before where things move a bit slower. Any advice from anyone who has successfully moved into a healthy relationship after a very unhealthy one would be appreciated.

I believe I am codependent. I was in a very toxic romantic situation for a few months this year and had the courage to finally leave it last month. During my time with this person I lost a sense of who I am and had a hard time focusing on other things besides this person. The person was manipulative and would get angry when I tried to express my fears and concerns. It affected my mental and emotional health, but yet I couldn’t leave until I finally built up the courage to.

After ending things, I made a new friend online a few days after, and things started out as platonic. I’m not looking for love right because there is a lot of healing to do. Last week the person told me he loves me and even brought up talks of wanting to call me his girlfriend. That is moving way too fast for me as we haven’t even known each other 2 months. I wonder if they are insecure or there is some other reason why they are rushing things. But yet, the part of me that hasn’t had the time heal yet loves the attention. I know this situation isn’t healthy for me, but I’m lonely and I’m getting sucked into the attention he is giving me.

I’d love for any guidance or advice anyone might have. Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, what happened? I could use a healthy support system right now. I feel like I can’t really open up to my friends in real life about this.

Or is it codependents who sense this and feel a need to fulfill it even when they're not in a position to comfortably do so while meeting their needs? Does being a self-aware codependent mean you people please but can't "authentically" show the emotions you need to show to make a relationship seem perfect because you're aware of how your needs aren't being satisfied, or you're otherwise no longer leaning on unhealthy coping mechanisms to manage or process those emotions (i.e stress eating)?

Hey all, I’m currently going thru a pretty fresh break up and was wondering if someone(s) could help me figure something out.

I’m going through a divorce and it was finalized just last week. As I take time to reflect on the relationship, I’m trying to notice my own stuff that I don’t want to carry into future relationships. I know for myself that I am absolutely hyper-independent but it got me wondering if you can have traits of both hyper-independence and codependency? For example, I absolutely sacrificed my own needs at times just to keep the peace (my friend pointed out I practically gave up ever orgasming with my partner in this relationship because he wouldn’t listen to my wants and needs with sex). On the same note, I over-functioned and took care of most things (I prefer to do things myself) and only started asking for help recently in the last few years, which highlighted that my partner had no interest in being an equal partner, which eventually caused the downfall of the relationship. Or maybe I’m just confusing hyper-independence with codependency. I don’t know. Just curious to hear other’s thoughts.

My sister was a functional alcoholic for a long time, but now she is no longer functional. For the last 4 years, she has been drinking herself into a stupor. She says she is trying to kill herself with alcohol. She is 45 years old and my mother still views her as her baby, or so she says. She has basically been living at her apartment taking care of her for four years to the detriment of her own health and sanity, the definition of codependency. My sister is abusive, has been abusive most of her life, even before the alcohol. She hasn't worked for the last 15 years, she has taken all of my mom's money, health and sanity. To say that i'm resentful is an understatement, as my mom doesn't listen to my pleas for her to take care of herself. She hasn't let me visit her in two years. I live 2 hours away, and she keeps putting my visits off, saying she needs to clean and that i can come in the fall, winter, next month etc, you get the idea. I'm 39, but I need my mother too. She's really the only family that I have left, and it feels very lonely sometimes and hurtful that she has chosen my alcoholic abusive sister over me. I've had to block both of them because it has been so hurtful. At my wits end. Does anyone have any thoughts? Advice? Been through something similar?

Not sure how to explain this but I think my codependency with my partner is more about having someone to talk with me rather specifically him. I have autism and I have experienced trauma from family and school. I usually get glued onto people and I like talking a lot with friends and partners. I like texting all day. A therapist I had told me that I adopt people and they adopt me, too. I was no contact with him for about 18 days but he texted me and I replied. I have been a mess the past two days and I am trying to process things. I don't have any friends and I don't do much with my life, I'm not attending therapy cause it's expensive but I had this free therapist from a government program and I consider going back to her again. I had stopped cause she didn't know about autism much and she didn't express as much empathy as I feel like I need. She was a bit cold and expressionless with me but she was warm to other people, this happens due my autism often. I haven't had family support and my mother really dislikes me cause of my autism traits and for not being an extroverted person. She was incredibly cruel to me and rejecting since I was a child.

(Advice)

It’s been a year since my parent passed away. I developed a lot of complicated grief that made me lose interest in school/hobbies, smoke weed a lot, and become so attached to my boyfriend that I prioritize him over myself (classic codependency).

I’m working on myself, and am actually going to have a discussion with my bf about how I want to start prioritizing me more without hurting him…

Anyways, I’m getting off track, I was just wondering if anyone had advice as to how to get closure from an alcoholic parent that I’m sure contributed largely to my codependency issues but that is no longer alive (?)

Should I just go with my gut and say whatever I feel? Should I prepare questions for myself?

I just want to move on I don’t know how :(

I feel so stuck. I can't break out of this codependent cycle. Is a meeting a good first step? Are there any online meetings you recommend for a newcomer? I have gone to the CODA website, and there are so many different options.

Being "a pain in the ass" can mean being challenging, demanding, or difficult to please, often to a degree that others find tiring or irritating. This trait can manifest as stubbornness, nit-picking, over-criticism, or being uncompromising about one’s own preferences. It’s a behavior that everyone might display occasionally, but when it becomes a pattern, it can lead to social friction and wear on relationships.

The question arises: is this kind of behavior inherently narcissistic? Narcissism, in psychological terms, involves a focus on oneself and one’s own needs, often at the expense of others. Narcissistic individuals typically seek validation and prioritize their own viewpoints, sometimes disregarding others’ needs or perspectives. While being difficult could stem from narcissistic traits, it isn’t necessarily a sign of narcissism on its own.

Possible Indicators of Narcissism in "Being a Pain"

1. Disregard for Others' Boundaries: If someone is difficult in ways that consistently ignore others' needs or boundaries, it may reflect narcissistic traits.
2. Seeking Attention Through Conflict: If someone enjoys creating tension or drama and is "a pain" mainly to be noticed or affirmed, it could be a symptom of narcissistic behavior.
3. Control and Power Dynamics: Some individuals exhibit difficult behavior to maintain a sense of control over others, which is often a narcissistic tendency.

However, being a pain is not automatically narcissistic; sometimes it stems from different factors, like perfectionism, anxiety, or an inability to deal with frustration in constructive ways. People might also act in difficult ways due to personal insecurities, feeling unheard, or needing reassurance.

So, does being "a pain in the ass" inherently make someone narcissistic? Not necessarily. But if the behavior is persistent and driven by a disregard for others' feelings or autonomy, it could signal narcissistic tendencies. This behavior’s impact on relationships can reveal whether it’s situational or rooted in a deeper, less flexible self-centeredness.

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My partner moved out while I was away and left me a letter. All I can think of is how I ruined everything and made them feel like they had to leave that way. They weren't always in the best place mental health wise, so I blame myself for not being more attentive to their needs. Right before, they were talking to an ex-friend that used to take advantage of them, so it's more likely they left because of unresolved feelings, but it's hard to not blame myself. How do you get over feeling that you ruined the relationship?

My partner and I have struggled in our relationship for a long time, and I've only recently realized that I may have a lot of unhealthy behaviors that possibly have been distorting my perception of how much of a victim I am in the relationship. Codependency is likely a problem with us, and I suspect I may be a narcissist, but it's very difficult to research applicable relationship dynamics from all perspectives in order to see if the shoe fits.

From what I've read, the codependent is a caregiver, but for most of the relationship I had a more stable and fulfilling career, and I've had generally more of an active social life. I also keep seeing references to the codependent conducting themselves as a selfless caretaker, which doesn't match up with how I often perceived my partner to be; I felt that I had to spend an inordinate amount of effort supporting them during their long periods of depression, and I was resentful when they would lash out at me.

I feel like my partner wouldn't be the "traditionally" codependent one in this relationship, since I had felt like I was the one to provide care in many ways. I don't feel like the archetype matches me either, because I assure you, I didn't think I was being selfless; a great deal of sympathy fatigue started to mount, so I subconsciously (or not so subconsciously) felt I deserved some kind of credit for the care I was providing.

I don't know if that means if that my partner would be a different form of codependent, if it means that I'm some different form of codependent, or if it means that I'm a straight up narcissist and my perception of our dynamic is completely skewed and biased. I'm sure that I was not emotionally present, and I'm sure that they felt put down by me when I expressed frustration for the burden I felt I was taking on. So this post is me trying to see which archetype my perspective/perception is lining up with, in the hopes that some kind of growth can come of identifying that archetype.

Can you all provide some insight on how you understand a codependent's counterpart would describe their relationship? How would it differ if the counterpart was a narcissist?

I have been in a relationship for a few years now. In the beginning, it was dysfunctional but it gradually became healthy as I started working in CoDA. Sometimes, I will feel I am being codependent on him but then I get myself back. With my parents, it's been more difficult. I was setting boundaries earlier but then it became so traumatic that now, when I visit home, I just stay "codependent". I only visit them for few days in 2-3 months. My parents knew about my bf for sometime now but on Sunday, they met him. It was a lunch with me, my parents and him. I was being like obedient little girl and not talking, just going along with what my parents say. My bf said he saw this side of me for the first time and he is shocked and angry. He knows my parents treat me like a kid but he didn't know it was that bad. That I change completely. He is thinking about breaking up with me and has already ghosted me. I don't blame him. I deserve this. I feel like I am dying inside myself.

I’m a 20 year old male who has been on and off with the same girl for 5 years. We have dated for about 3 years in total. About 2 years ago I started to realize I felt like I couldn’t live without her. When we breakup or aren’t together I can’t not text her, I panic when we aren’t talking and most of all it is insanely painful to see her with someone else. I am stuck in this cycle where I either live in misery and panic or I am together with her. It is now at the point where I feel she is in control of my life. We are kinda dating now more like talking and I feel I couldn’t even leave her if I could, I always think about how I will be alone with no one to talk to, and how I will never find someone else because in the past I haven’t and it’s been rlly hard to talk to other girls ( I have been with multiple other girls but I find it hard to talk to women). I am severely stuck right now and it is ruining my life. I don’t wanna necessarily end things with her because it is good some times and I do genuinely love her but I really need to get control of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciate.