Hello all,

I felt it was important to post about this topic, as many have asked about it. In 2014, I began working as an energetic surgeon, and learned about the effect of attachments. At this time where we are feeling the need to release what does not serve, and to bring harmony and balance to ourselves and to our lives, energetic decording can help a lot. Although we have non-physical assistance, this process can be done by ourselves, and I find that it is empowering and healing on many levels. If you have any questions, please let me know, and I will be happy to help.

One of the largest contributors to physical, emotional, and psychological depletion is energetic cording. Whenever we have a relationship with another person, whether it is with a parent, spouse, partner, sibling, friend, coworker, or another, we create energetic cording between ourselves and the other party. Energetic cords look like tubes that are connected from one person to another, and sometimes from one person to an entire group (such as a family unit or ancestry). Cording can go from any part of the energy body to any part of another's, for example, I have viewed cording between someone's head and another's head (thought transmission involving mental manipulation and judgement) as well as many other configurations, such as from one person's throat to another's solar plexus (transmissions of disempowering energies and also siphoning of another's power). The combinations of cording attachments is infinite, but always created by thought transfer.

As thoughts are tangible structures, each contain a specific vibrational frequency and energetic charge. When you have a thought about someone, that thought goes to the person, it does not disappear. And, depending on the emotional charge of the thought (positive, negative, or neutral), the thought will go through the cording to that person and integrate within their field, or it will dissipate. Over time, repeated transmissions of thoughts can create structures within yourself or another person, called "thoughtforms," which are clusters of thought energy that can shape one's perceptions and impede health. That is why it is very important to be vigilant about the thoughts we transmit, and the vibration of them, as they create.

Cords are also created by our beliefs, and are attached to thoughforms anchored in the 4th dimension. These thoughtforms are conglomerations of thoughts of the same belief and vibration, transmitted by every human on the planet with the same perception. Thoughtforms exist for anything to which humans believe and fear, so if one recognizes a belief or fear that is causing suffering, one can also decord from that thoughtform as well. For example, if you have a fear of heights or of an animal, you can decord from that fear. And you can also decord from an illness or addiction, and this release can help you to heal.

Energetic cording transmits thought energy to others, and it can also siphon as well. If you are attached to someone who is codependent, they can be continually siphoning your life force via your shared cording, which can create a host of physical issues for yourself, most especially depletion within the solar plexus, which includes physical weakness, exhaustion, stomach, intestine, and colon issues, and many other manifestations. Siphoning can also create headaches, lack of focus, and various other conditions, depending on where the cording is attached.

Decording can make a world of difference in our existence, as afterward we can rebalance and get to know our authentic self, without interference from others' thoughts and perceptions, and also life force siphoning. We regain strength and sovereignty. The results can be permanent and create a lot of healing, if we are willing to also reevaluate our relationships and to not accept anyone into our life who will take energetic advantage. Creating strong boundaries is essential to maintaining health and vibrational integrity. The higher our vibration, the better our health and clearer our spiritual perception. It is also equally important that we evaluate our own programming and clear what is not supportive, so we do not attract others into our life that mirror our own issues. Working on clearing ourselves after decording is always helpful and highly recommended, because the patterning we carry within is what expresses itself in all aspects of our daily life and relationships.

If you choose to decord yourself from another person, it is helpful that you intuit whether permission is first needed from their higher self, as we all contract our relationships with others at the "higher" levels. The physical person does not have to be asked, but you can make a request of their higher self, and then feel (or hear) a response. If you receive that the decording has been agreed upon, then go ahead with the process. If you feel any concern, then it may be best to wait until you feel a pull to ask again.

Sometimes decording can be done without asking for permission, for example if there is trauma involved and to stand in your power, you feel the need to immediately detach from another person. Also, permission is not needed to decord from mass consciousness belief and fear thoughtforms.

Please note that decording only removes energetic distortions, and the genuine love you may have in the relationship is not affected. So, if you intend the relationship to continue, decording can provide an opening for this love to be experienced and reflected more authentically.

Below is a statement that you can use to decord. You can use the statement alone, or if you would like, use it in addition to visualizing the release. By visualizing, see yourself and the other party attached, and then with holding a large pair of scissors, cut the cording from toe to head, while saying the statement. Either way is effective, either visualizing or not, so please do what intuitively resonates. I suggest you do this release in a quiet state, where there are no distractions, a state of peace and calm. And do it in a state of knowing, where you know all is cleared.

After the release, you may experience a clearing of the energies, either immediately or over time. If you feel emotional, tired, or anything different from how you usually feel, try to move through the feelings and observe them, instead of attaching to them, as this will prevent re-cording. Trusting and having confidence that all is released, is important.

"I now hereby permanently sever, cut, release, and remove all energetic cording, banding, attachments, and 4th dimensional thoughtforms connecting me to (a person, a belief, a fear, an addiction, or a past life)____________. I state that all vows, contracts, agreements, and karma are now null and void, and completed. I take back all power I have given to _________ and I take back all power __________ may have taken from me, and declare that now I regain and contain all power that is mine and inherent to me. I release and clear all energetic imprints, charges, and programming within my entire being I may have received from ________, and release and clear all programming within my mind and subconscious mind that __________may have transmitted to me, and declare I am now completely free and clear of any and all energetic distortions throughout my entire being, transmitted from ________ to me. I now state that I am free and sovereign, and am no longer attached to ________ in any way, shape or form. I am completely clear right now, and so it is.”

Font: https://www.reddit.com/r/TheStarPeople/comments/1guj1ip/energy_cord_cutting_ritual/

Every time my brain goes idle she's all I think about. I still have to get constantly distract myself.

Post breakup. I get this panic, abandoned feeling. It is so overbearing. I’m so lonely. What do I do? I feel like a child whose family just left them at school or a store. It physically hurts.

I told an elderly man who had never travelled overseas that he could come with me to Vietnam. He said he would just do what I did.

Then, during the process, he refused to cooperate. He wouldn't pack warm clothes for a layover in China, didn't want to carry a phone. Then he decided he hated tours, wanted our country's food, not foreign food he didn't like, and made plans to try and get amongst the locals on his own, despite speaking no language. He had other outbursts at me when I told him he had to learn their language if he would speak to them. He also sent me passive-aggressive messages because he thought my distress over this was funny.

I realised it would ruin my holiday so much I didn't want to go anymore. So I asked him to go alone, and then he realised i didn't want to go with him and asked me to go instead.

But I feel like I let him down and myself because we leave this week. I knew earlier he was a problem, but it got to this week, and he was joking he'd made none of the preps I told him to and couldn't remember the day we were leaving and I knew I needed to cut it off because it was nothing like what he had initially said. But I feel like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders when I said no.

How do you forgive yourself for things like this, because I still feel racked with guilt. I also don't know if I can get a refund for all his money and I feel guilty about it.

I can get very focused on others and I want to try and circle back to myself.

Anyone have a system that works?

Okay a little humour from me today, we all need it sometimes. The holidays are a rough time for me.

My friend has Codependency and BPD and she broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and got on with this new boyfriend who is abusive. She only knows him for 4 months and wants to marry him.

She is under medication and taking it regularly, however, she still spirals badly. She is talking to a therapist who had told her to break up with this abusive partner but she isn't doing so.

She is shunning all of us off.

My friend's parents told her there is no way they will approve of the marriage. She has threatened them saying she is going to move in with him and marry him and if they don't financially support her it's fine. She just dropped out of school and hasn't worked before. She is 25 by the way.

So far her current boyfriend has already scammed her into $10,000 by making her take loans in her name for him and hasn't paid her back. And doesn't show any effort to pay her back either.

My friend's mother is really lost with what to do.

Oh by the way, my friend's father is a covert Narcisstic and probably one of the reason for making her messed up. He is just creating more drama and sympathy out of this situation.

My friend's mother is trying everything she can do to get my friend on track and she isn't responding.

She is determined to screw her life.

Any advice is welcomed!

I am exploring a plan with my therapist to deal with my codependency issues. We agree to tackle it as an addiction problem. I want to see what can work for me, and bring it into our discussion.

I don't particularly resonate with the 12-step programme and its cousins (ACA, CoDA). I think they are helpful, but they focus more on the cognitive side of things. And I personally had few breakthroughs with cognitive strategies in my healing journey. They also dont deal quite sufficiently with the shame and trauma that is the root cause of codependency.

Does anyone have any recommendation for resources that talk about a framework to help with addiction recovery that is not the 12-step? Ideally it would incorporate various components like somatic work, attachment work, parts works/IFS into a coherent system. Or alternatively outside of attachment theories, a framework that looks comprehensively at making changes to both the internal and external environments to help with addiction recovery, e.g. how to stop smoking, drinking or substance use.

I have read Codependency No More.

Seeking advice. At what point does the Christianity beliefs of the man and woman becoming one in marriage and codependency cross? I know on my side I have codependency issues when it comes to how my wife is feeling emotionally only because when she’s happy, I’m happy. And when she’s sad, I’m sad. But is that not the same as being one? I love my wife fully and always want her to be happy. But in doing so I feel like I lost myself. And I can feel it’s pushing my wife away. How can I still follow Christ and His teachings but still be independent? Any help is appreciated.

When I began healing I think I overcorrected, I went from seeing myself as a victim who just loved too much to a selfish, manipulative monster.  I'm not going to say that the former is right all along, but rather codependents likely are sweet people, but our issue isn't that we are so soft we lack a spine, rather we are just too empathetic that we can see people's perspectives but never our own, and we care too much that we don't prioritize it either.

As much as people romanticize it, too much empathy can be unhealthy and a bad thing. I watched a video recently about shame and trauma. If you live in shame, then you begin to take on the shame of others just because you are so sensitive and in tune with any feelings of shame you notice, even if it has nothing to do with you. I've been in that position before, like when my last boss was mad at my coworkers for specific things they did wrong, I found myself pitching in more because I felt she was also angry at me even though she couldn't be. I picked up their shame, their fear, and used it to fuel my own codependent behaviors with my boss.

I think this must be part of our patterns, you know? We are full of shame, then notice shame in others or what we percieve as shame and then take it on ourselves and try to fix it however we can. Even if it's simply not our business or problem or right or cross to carry.

And even if it's not SHAME we feel, we still empathize too much with people's potential shame or other negative feelings.

I'm struggling to end one of my current relationships because of all the different angles I can see of how it will hurt this person. I struggle to even think of my perspective for just one second before going back to them being hurt by my decision. Too much empathy. Not enough self compassion.

I mean yeah, lbr, a lot of codependency is also projecting our own bitter feelings onto others.  I see the world as being full of dishonest, fake friends because I'M always lying about my real feelings and true self to people, including those I want to be buddies with.  It certainly does belie a lot of unflattering beliefs and traits we have in ourselves.  On the other hand, I do think we're not heartless either and many of us are simply kind people who weren't taught how to use that kindness in a healthy way at all and instead we replaced that true kindness, something that involves HONESTY, with a NICENESS that is entirely superficial and controlling.

Thoughts? I'm open to other perspectives.

I have trouble being alone. My family is tired of it. I’m very strict with myself that I don’t let my fiancée know about it but I’m curious what you guys do about being alone/feeling lonely every time you’re alone? Do I just need more hobbies? What does being alone mean to you?

I cannot stand having to be the dependent person in a relationship. I know it’s so easy to look at this post and say, “oh, well why don’t you do something about it to change it?”

Yeah, it’s easy to say things like that when you’re not in that position. Try living with a lifelong health condition that affects your ability to drive, your work schedule and (depending on the severity of the circumstances) your every day life.

I hate it so badly because I have to be alone. I would love nothing more than to have my family back, maybe even take a step further with that someone special and share our families together eventually. But.. I think I’ve cried just about every day since meeting him because I know that will never be possible.

I have to keep telling myself to stop dreaming, stay off from dating apps and let these people go. I honestly don’t know if it’s me being depressed about my own issues or fear from the impact of trauma that my previous relationships have had on me. I want to love someone but I am terrified to the idea of opening up my heart to someone all over again just to be completely crushed and abandoned. It’s a gut wrenching feeling.

I just feel stuck.

Gah. Have you done it? I feel triggered. I feel cautious. My boyfriend has just realized that he is codependent with his ex wife (separated)…

I’m someone who was very codependent a couple years ago, for many years… I did the work. My boyfriend is at the beginning of his journey and it makes me nervous. We broke up a month ago because he put me aside in order to appease his ex- in a way she didn’t even ask for. He’s just very glued to preventing difficult feelings from arising in her. Anyways.

Am I crazy for considering reconciliation with this guy? Setting myself up for more hurt? Or - because people can grow, heal, and change- is it about having healthy boundaries and patience?

Spent last 11 years figuring out why I’m so depressed, anxious, couldn’t finish school, find job or have any friends, relationships.

Codependent dad is a slave to narcissist mom, the whole family revolved around her, she would get upset, angry at random crap and everyone have to bend over backwards to make her happy.

I struggled in school due to mom wanting to move to a new country to pursue her dreams of making me successful so she can feel good about herself. The only part was she didn’t think she needed to put much work into supporting me, nurture and love me. It’s almost hilarious if it weren’t so sad.

Of course I struggled in school and mom got upset at me, and at my dad for not fixing me to make her happy, what a disastrous and toxic dynamic. They couldn’t see all the stress, lack of support and skills by them was causing my problems in school, so they blamed me for being lazy, stupid, and playing too much video games.

What a despicable bunch of trash, less than human, I pray every day that they suffer and be condemned to enteral punishment in hell.

Anyone else had codependent and narcissistic parents?

Reading “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, and she asks at the end of chapter 3 for us to write our own definition of codependency, because the term is very vague. Here is what I came up with:

“Unintentionally developed behavioral and emotional reactions to the state of those whom we become attached to, and an urge to keep control over the relationship, person, or situation.”

I know it’s a run on, but I also know a definition should be one sentence, so… 🤣

Anyways! Thanks for reading. ❤️ Love & blessings to all of you wonderful folks.

Does anyone else deal with a similar problem, where you feel you can’t find happiness with yourself, but only in others? I have been going through a lot of healing lately, and have discovered that I develop attachments to people and feel unwhole on my own. Mostly in romantic relationships, but even with family members as well. Who ever provides comfort for me really. I am really struggling to be ok living on my own, and enjoying my every day life. I keep wanting to move in with my siblings or find a partner to live with. Any tips or advise to start to find myself?

I feel like I'm caught in a loop.

My partner broke up with me a few weeks ago. We were together a year and a half, the last six months of which was mutually abusive, toxic, and codependent. I spiraled out and relapsed on alcohol immediately after and every conversation we have had about the apartment we share or boundaries has been a disaster.

I have been sober from alcohol a couple weeks, going to meetings and am back in therapy. I have realized that part of my codependency and attachment style is being too reliant on my primary partners emotionally. Which means that I have a small handful of friends who I can rely on for emotional support, and I tend to self-isolate unless I am in a crisis.

The looping is this, tho. She (my ex) is the only person I want to talk to about any of this. She feels like the only person who is safe or might understand. But I feel shame because I know she doesn't want to communicate unless necessary (probably best for both of us), and when I do talk to other, safe people I feel shame for 'using' others who I haven't given as much emotional energy as I'm asking for. Which leads to feelings of self-loathing for just being the way I am because the tools for emotional regulation I want to use feel like part of the problem. And then I find myself festering and obsessing in self pity.

I know that it is okay to take space, and I know that it is okay to get emotional support from friends who are offering as long as all boundaries are respected. That doesn't make the feelings go away. And I feel like when I loop like this, it makes it harder to see where my mistakes were mine (negligence, emotional abuse, manipulation) and her behavior was wrong (blatant lying, cheating, manipulation). Her and I are both trauma survivors, both have boundary issues, but in this state I feel like everything that's happening is my fault or deserved, which makes working out of it or self soothing even more difficult.

Does anyone else resonate here? Any tips for just accepting what is and taking the help that's offered?

2 weeks out post break up from a 7 year relationship. 28F.

I broke down yesterday due to something happening outside of my control. I tried really hard to keep it together. It was a really frustrating experience and I cried in my car like a baby afterwards.

In that moment, my inner self decided to choose kindness and compassion for myself. And I managed to self-soothe myself in record time. Although my first gut reaction was the urge to immediately cry in his arms, I got through it all on my own for the very first time. And I’m damn proud of that.

Reflecting on it today, I realized my fear of abandonment and inability to cope with things outside of my control is what I need to work on. Those were some of the major issues I caused in our former relationship and likely why I can’t make healthy relationships with others. I have a lot to work on. But for a moment, there was a brief glimmer of hope in life. One day at a time.

I think I might be on the spectrum. I've been hanging out in those subs a lot lately because they help me manage some struggles that I'm only just beginning to understand. One of those things is my meltdowns.

I came to this sub today because those meltdowns usually have to do with one person. Not always, but usually.

Before we dive into that, the only place it seems normal to talk about meltdowns are the autism subs. So please go easy on me! I'm feeling really vulnerable.

Back to why I'm here. This one person. They are my co-parent and have been a close friend. And sexual partner. Oh and by the way, we live together. (Another reminder, please please be gentle!) When conflict arises between us, or when I feel rejected, it can cause a meltdown. I just had one a week ago and I'm still exhausted from it, and it just happened all over again tonight.

When this happens, my body shuts down and becomes inoperable. The only thing I'm capable of is crying. Nothing else.

I'd like to peel apart the layers here. Which parts are just the way my brain processes information? And which are examples of codependency?

First of all i apologize if this is all over the place, i just hope it makes sense.

I’ve(28f) been dating my bf(26m) for four months now. Everything was great in the beginning, but now I’m pretty unhappy. My needs aren’t being met, i’m getting minimal communication, i’ve explained how hurt i am multiple times and just get “i’m sorry you feel that way” but i still have hope and don’t want to give up. I do care about him a lot, we talk everyday, send pictures, but i haven’t spent time with him in almost a month. He has a lot going on in his personal life which i understand, but i feel like i’m at the bottom of his list of priorities now.

I’m honestly struggling to function in my day to day life. I can only think about this and it’s so draining and exhausting. I’m even spending time with my family right now for the holiday, but i can’t enjoy my time with them.

I’ve been very codependent in all of my relationships. My first two were long term and i ended up leaving. The first was really toxic and i was really unhappy, we even lived together and i had to kick him out. My second things just weren’t working out. I was going through a lot personally and felt like we were growing apart. The short term relationships in the last few years have always ended with them leaving me. Some of them i knew weren’t good for me but i couldn’t get myself to leave. It’s always been one after another too. I really don’t like being alone.

I’ve talked with my therapist about my current relationship, and i feel like i know what i have to do, but i can’t get myself to do it. She asked me what will it take for me to leave and start taking care of myself and i really didn’t know what to tell her.

So my question is: What did it take for you to leave a relationship you really wanted to work out and had hope it would change, but you knew it wasn’t good for you or your mental health?

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for here, maybe just some comfort or anyone who has been through anything similar.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years one week ago. He has had unaddressed mental health issues our entire relationship. It feels really difficult to explain but essentially he would have these enormous blow ups. I started feeling like the relationship was over in late July- I went to Europe for a week and missed him so much and was so happy to see him. While I was gone he didn’t shower and ended up with an abrasion on his penis, he called me the night I came home and accused me of giving him herpes (I don’t have herpes). Somehow we eventually recovered from that episode and everything was good for a month or so after.

Next my wages were garnished and he got really upset (we didn’t live together and it was taken care of in one paycheck), we got in several small fights about I don’t even remember what, and then another “big event” type of episode where he called me while I was at a retreat and accused me of ruining his life because I had asked him to go to therapy and he believed he would no longer be able to purchase a fire arm…

We’ve been in an upswing recently but my own agitation and fear about this kind of thing happening again led to me feeling super disregualted and eventually breaking up with him. Now that I’m out I feel guilt, sadness, regret, fear, and I miss him a lot. I think I got used to balancing his moods and helping him through things? The relationship wasn’t all bad, there were lots of sweet times. But by the end I felt disconnected and responsible for his emotions and scared and lonely.

Any thoughts?

Before I knew about codependent relationships, I would have sworn I love my husband. And I still feel this. I've been reading and reading here, that what matters is the intention, if it is ultimately selfish because your inner child is getting something out of it.

And I try and try and try to figure that out. And I just can't? This is getting inside my head and messing with me.

I've already gotten great, compassionate replies but the thing that sticks is that I might never have truly known how to love? And in some threads, that's what's being said. Codependents don't know love.

And that is crushing me. I look at him and love him, even though it is overshadowed by him hurting me. We've been together since we were 18. Completely lovestruck and both equally codependent. But it wasn't always like that. We grew. He can do his thing, I can do mine. We both have friends and hobbies.

I feel like I'm in an alternate universe where I suddenly question if everything I ever did had an ulterior motive. Like "may I hold his hand or is this unhealthy right now?" And I don't know the answer. I don't want to be bad for him. I miss him horribly but I figure that is normal after 20 years together.

He absolutely wants to make this work. Therapy, individual and couples. Everything. He wants to heal and get to truly know himself and still not lose our relationship.

I think I want the same. My therapy starts in 2 weeks and we have an "emergency" couples session in a week.

I just don't have true lightbulb moments. Like, yes, we are codependent. But I just do not recognize how showing love for him was ultimately for me... I don't want to use him, abuse him, none of that. But those last years he's had quite the caretaker role because I also have issues with my physical and mental health. And I think I have to relearn what is actually truly possible for me to do on my own instead of relying on him and he has to learn to LET me try and to communicate...

Basically this is what is driving me insane: did I not truly love him? Are we just a fantasy?

Everything was mostly loving. Never physically abusive. If it was emotionally abusive we both can't tell and need to learn.

Sorry for rambling on. I just can't take it currently. I don't want us to turn out as having been something fake. For 20 years. We've spent days and days talking and questioning things. He's very certain about his feelings, eager to learn healthy ways. While I want the same I just don't trust my own feelings anymore.

Hello! I am 35f and have been working on recovering from addiction and codependency/depression/social anxiety thru 12 step, therapy, and anti depressants for the last ~8 yrs. Recently I’ve really pushed myself socially to try actively to make friends through recovery, art, hiking, and other passions. I got out of an intense relationship with someone about a year ago who presents as extremely caring, supportive, sensitive and charming. But I found out after ending our relationship that he’d been cheating on, manipulating, and gas lighting me the whole time (just 6 months). I knew something was off the whole time but also struggle with anxious attachment and was pushing myself to trust. Turns out my alarm bells were spot on. Anyways, Im trying to push myself to maintain my confidence and resolve to not let this bring me down too much.

I would love to find someone else who maybe is in a similar situation to just have a long talk with about our stories, and maybe support each other in making healthy choices and not distorting our self perception based on having a bad experience with a relationship (or friendship). I’ve done so much work and am really proud that I left this relationship after only 6 months (before I knew about the cheating and lying). And understand that progress doesn’t always look like choosing a great partner for yourself even after lots of self work. Sometimes it looks like just putting up with less toxic stuff over time. But you can’t learn unless you put all your growth into practice in actual relationships.

If you’re interested please feel free to dm and let me know a bit about yourself. Also of course will be reading anything that’s commented here.

41 days ago, I found out after seeing texts that my then wife sent to five different people saying she wanted a divorce. Fast-forward to three or four days ago, our divorce is finalized. I’ve been through a divorce before, but it didn’t affect me. We were so out of touch with each other for years that it didn’t even really matter. This marriage, however, brought me the greatest six months of my entire life. The first six months that we were dating. In retrospect I now know that I was being love bombed by her, but damn it felt good. All the attention and mental and physical intimacy and quality time together and shared experiences and constant texting back and forth that I’ve been searching for my entire life. We were enmeshed and it was amazing. And it never felt unhealthy because it was completely mutual. We shared all of our vulnerabilities back-and-forth. I thought that’s what love was. We got engaged after six months and married after a year. Within the first six months of our marriage, some weird life stuff happened and it was a huge stressor to my wife. Basically, she started withdrawing, mentally and physically, and never looked back. Now I know that she would be described as an avoidant personality type. But then I didn’t. I put every ounce of my being into her, her happiness, her pain relief, doing majority of the household chores and taking care of the kids so that she could rest. Gift giving. Etc. I genuinely always thought that I could get us back to where we initially were. Was I happy at all? No. She eventually would just spend every waking second on her phone, completely detached from me. She would tell both the kids and both the dogs good night and I love you and completely ignore me. When I would ask for needs to be met, I would be met with resentment and anger instead. When I would ask for reassurance, I was told “it gave her the ick when I did that.” All of this, of course, made me resent her and turned me into an angry person. Ive never been angry in my life really, but was daily for the last five years. I also felt that she never tried, and that contributed to the anger. Again, in retrospect now, I see that there are so many codependent issues from my own side. Staying with her, trying to make her happy, constantly self sacrificing, feeling that she didn’t try though she said she did, gifting, etc. I’m rambling now, I meant to just post something quick and ask how do I get through this pain? I ended a two year relationship 20 years ago with no issue. My 17 year relationship with my first ex-wife was devastating, but I think I was more scared than sad. More panicked than sorrowful. The six years with my now freshly divorced wife really does just feel like a knife is being driven into my heart and turned, constantly, from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep. i’ve never experienced pain like this. I don’t know if it’s typical heartbreak, or if it’s amplified because of the codependency, or what’s going on. I’m not suicidal or anything, so this isn’t a cry for help in that way, but I know that I can’t continue to live constantly crying in restaurants and gas stations. At work. I find myself constantly posting sad things on Instagram, I think I’m doing that so I can get a little hits of validation from people to regulate myself because my ex isn’t here to do that for me anymore. I don’t know what to do. Help. And thanks.

Last night I had a menty b on my 30th birthday/Thanksgiving. I was upset bc I couldn’t do something special for my birthday bc of the holiday and bc my partner didn’t do anything out of the ordinary special for this milestone birthday for me. Ofc I only told him two days before that I was cancelling Thanksgiving with us and my one Roomate bc I wanted to celebrate my birthday, so I didn’t give him ample time to prepare.

I was feeling v sensitive bc I always plan special things for his birthday, valentines, ect. and we just did Chinese food and a movie for my 30th.

While we were in the bath last night, after arguing on and off all day, my partner mentioned that he thinks I have codependency issues. We both grew up with lots of childhood trauma and have anxious attachment styles.

I told him that lately I’ve been feeling depressed, anxious, and irritable. I haven’t felt this way since I was in my last long term relationship that lasted four years. I’ve been feeling happy and not had many mental health issues the past couple of years since I ended things with my ex. I realized I only feel this way when I’m in long term relationships and not when I’m single.

This recent bout of depression related to our relationship has resulted from my partner starting a new job. He was unemployed for months and just got a new early morning barista job. Bc he’s been getting up so early for work, he has been less enthusiastic, talkative, loving, horny, ect. then he was before when he wasn’t working. Normally he is so emotionally involved and fun to be around, even at his previous job.

Bc I’m so sensitive to this energy shift, I started to internalize it… Thinking, “This is becoming just like my last relationship. He’s falling out of love w/ me.”

And the worst part is in a way it’s true bc my anxious behavior and mental breakdowns the last few weeks is just driving him away. Bc normally I’m super happy and fun to be around but when I get depressed I am not.

Anyways, I’m here because I’m full time in school again and can’t afford to go back to therapy. Are there any resources you can suggest book or podcast wise to help me work through my codependency issues? Any advice to give?

I don’t have time to go to meetings (I was in AA for a long time) as I’m full time in paramedic school rn and work full time as an EMT. But I do have time to listen to audiobooks on my commute.

Thank you!! I feel like I’m going crazy and I need help.

I made a post about my difficulty breaking up/off with people a few days ago, and I wanted to share what I realized about my codependency and hopefully get to read other people’s perspectives and relatable stories.

I think my source of codependency is shame. Growing up, my family used shame to discipline me amongst many other unspeakable things. If you did something wrong, they would call distant or close relatives to discuss/shame/report what you’d done and ensure punishment. There was no room for an explanation whatsoever, as far as I can remember. Conflicts weren't settled between just me and the adult I'd wronged without them threatening to tell other people or even going ahead to do it.

I downplayed how much this has traumatized me. I was a good child, as good as a child can be despite my flaws and emotionally inadequate background.

Now, I just realized I remain in relationships totally terrified of how they'd percieve me if I'd left them. Even worse if I truly wronged them. The thing is I don't recognize that incompatibility is a thing, and whenever it comes up, I associate it with my self-worth.

Finally, I'm dependent on the perception people have of me and this doesn't let me enforce the boundaries I need to. Nor does it allow me the grace to be imperfect.

I think as co-dependents, we need to figure out why we're like that at some point in our journey. I know this is old news lol.

I'd love to know if anyone else can relate. xo

I've been having problems in my relationship for a long time - inability to have a straight talk, promises being made and then nothing was done about them, me (male) feeling not seen and not being taken into account, her being emotionally distant and so on.

I'm not sure whether it's me just being pain in the ass and bad communicator, or the fact that whenever something stressing comes up she's mostly disappearing in her mobile phone, avoids tackling the problem straight and waits for the problem to go away.

I'm starting to sense that this avoidance seems like an addiction problem, but not sure.

Do you know something about it and whether there are resources that can help me?

We tried couples therapy but she hates the therapist "poking her nose in our problems" so it didn't go well.