Hi! Sorry this might be a long read. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I have no one to talk to.

So i just recently landed a good job. But I have been having a hard time trying to keep up with the training. My focus seems to be so short and it’s only a matter of seconds before my mind jumps to other thoughts while watching lecture videos. I also keep forgetting things easily. Like i cant seem to be aware of my surroundings. I can acknowledge something i just read or did and in a few moments i’ll have no recollection of whatever i did and whatever i read.

I wasn’t always like this and i noticed these changes about me during the pandemic where i had to be quarantined at home. It didnt really negatively affect me back then because life was pretty chill and with college i was able to keep up with despite the lack of focus on details and frequently forgetting about stuff.

But after college, i think it got worse. My lack of awareness was messing with my responsibilities. Even more so now that I’m currently training for my first ever job. I can barely retain everything i’m studying for the job. I forget about the password i set for all the log ins i need despite trying to keep notes. I can’t help but feel like a dumb idiot because i cant keep up and im scared i might enter the depressive state because of how disappointed i am with myself and how embarrassed i am that i might be looking like a dumb fuck for my colleagues.

Some of the other things i noticed which seemed unusual to me are:

-I used to be fluent in english. Now Im struggling to find the right words to convey what i wanna say and i typically forget and mess up pronunciations. (im really anxious because this is a huge part of my job)

-I feel like im in a constant state of brain fog. Like everything is unreal and i just try to go with the flow without awareness.

-I fall in a slump of not doing anything and then id suddenly have a random burst of energy urging me to turn my life around and make changes with myself. Id decide on doing things for myself and taking action. The energy would then crash and id find it hard to follow up on decisions i made during i had high energy.

I’ve done my research, and i know it’s wrong to self diagnose or something but from everything i’ve read i think i might have adhd? I don’t know what to do now, should i see a psychiatrist? a psychologist? an i just overthinking? or is something inherently wrong with me? Im scared im going to end up depressed with all the anxiety im getting from not getting to do my job properly :(

does anyone here have adhd or has had the same thing happen to them? how did you deal with it?

sorry for the long post i really dk what to do now.

I don't know where else to go with this, so I'm posting here. I feel like I'm drowning in schoolwork and expectations. No matter how hard I try, I'm always falling behind, like I can't keep up. I have all these expectations from my parents, my teachers, and myself... Everyone around me seems to have their life together—big dreams, perfect plans. And me? I just feel like I'm failing all the time.

My parents don't know. They'd disappointed. I want to make them proud, but I don't know how to handle all this pressure, and I feel so alone. Does anyone else feel like they're stuck? Like they're missing out on life while everyone else is moving forward?

Pretty much sums it up. Has anyone ever had this? Am I having auditory hallucinations because of stress?

My parents are going to go through a divorce and a divorce lawyer is contacted as well. I hope the process goes smoothly, and while I fully understand the reason for it being initiated, and happy for one parent, it also leaves me sad.

It's difficult to view your parents as two adults rather than your parents and realise that the relationship was unhealthy for one of them and it's good for them.

A part of me is feeling very sad even while the other side is understanding and lending support to the parent.

I don't want to discuss too much about the reasons on a public platform, but emotionally I do feel a little low though I'm trying to pick myself up and cheer myself up. I am also feeling happy for one parent and sad for the other.

Life is difficult sometimes.

I always had a kind of fear from childhood that my parents might get divorced.

There is also a kind of fear of things going down south or retaliating. I hope nothing of the kind happens.

Anyway, it would just be nice to have some comforting talks, I suppose.

It was proposed that they continue living together as friends even after divorcing, so the living arrangements won't change so much.

My mother has gone through a lot so I do appreciate she would be feeling lighter and more free. I am feeling happy for her, a little sad for my father and still a lot of angst about what the future may hold and some fear about if the situation goes off rail. She felt a lot lighter after sharing the news.

I fully understand her point of view as a 28 year old person too. Life is short and although she won't get her whole life back, she can at least live the remainder of it happily.

the other day i was lowkey having an emotional breakdown, like sobbing and stuff, (worst i’ve been in years, broke a 2 yr no sh streak) and then all of a sudden i had the thought “man you’re not even upset, you just think you’re supposed to be” and immediately afterwards i felt absolutely nothing emotionally for like a few hours till it caught back up with me. in the past i’ve struggled really badly with suicide attempts and depression, i also have adhd which kind of sucks. this type of thing not just happens every once in awhile, ill even be like stoked to do something and then immediately lose all interest. therapist says it might be emotional numbing but i want to know if anyone has felt anything similar. it’s kind of really scary.
on a separate note does anyone ever feel like they’re faking any actual feelings they have, both positive and negative?? like for the longest time i discredited my depression and suicide attempts because “they didn’t work” / “you were just doing it for attention” which i’m like 90% sure i wasn’t. how to fix?!?!

I wonder what the warning signs are that a person may present to be classified as such.And how can we help a person who suffers from this condition?

So this year has been very rocky for me at the beginning of this year. I went through minor surgery and it simply ruined the relationship between me and my mother who’s always been critical.

She’s always said I would never make it to med school even though she’s the one who’s been pumping these dreams into me. I didn’t even bother applying at first but Becuz of my younger brother encouragement, I did and I got into med school. Even after getting into med school, my mother said that I was just very lucky. It felt like a stab because I worked really hard even though in A levels I did not score any A’s or B’s. I did work so hard and passed the MCAT. now that I’m actually here it’s been six months since med school and I have failed 80% of my exams. I know it really bad then in the middle of the year, my close friend died. It was a shock. I recovered fairly well.

Every day I sit down, I open my book and my laptop, reading the curriculum yet I never can study. I always get distracted either by reading my fantasy books or by my phone wanting to forget reality and just pretend. I just feel so scared and that I shouldn’t even try because what’s the point I’m gonna fail anyway. I know this is a negative mindset yet I can’t help myself. I’m stuck in the same pattern.

Hello,

I am a 28 year old male who is an a relationship but a few years back she stoped having sex with me and my mental health started degrading. I talked with her but nothing worked(she had noone else and said it was her problem)so I started talking with other women because I felt so bad and needed to feel wanted.

I fell in love with a woman from another country and she said she loved me back but got rejected in the end. Since then I cant find happiness in anything I do, I feel stuck with no purpose in life.

I hate the thought of being alone because Im afraid all these demons will take that chance to flush in and bring me down even more.

My girlfriend is still with me despite I came clean and told her, she wants to work it out but I feel it wont...

Thank you for reading

I’m going through an awful, confusing break up with no idea where it will lead - it’s been over a month of this agonizing situation and frankly i’m losing my mind. he broke up with me due to mental health issues, i’m his main support even now, but nowadays he barely talks to me and i can’t deal with it. i just want to find some guy to lead on, mess around with for a bit, and then break his heart. i want to get all of this negativity and hurt out of me, pin it all on somebody else and i have no idea how to resist the urge to

Sorry in advance if this is too long or if this isn't even the right place to be asking this. For context I'm a 25 year old male and I still live at home with my parents. I've never had a job and I haven't gone to college or done any schooling past high school. As a kid I was super outgoing and had big dreams and things I wanted to do in life. However when I was 15 I got broken up with by my then girlfriend that I had been dating since 5th grade, so give or take 5 years. This was non stop and wasn't like the childish on and off type of thing, to me it was no different than relationships I see now other than the fact we were kids. We spent any free time we had together for 6 years, and I think experiencing genuine heart break at 15 with a person I had been with since I was 10 permanently fucked me up mentally. I took it really hard for the first couple of days but it quickly faded and I don't think I really allowed myself to feel the emotions, and instead shut them out. I lived normally until she reached out to my again my senior year. All of my suppressed feelings immediately came back and I was genuinely happy for the first time in years. Fast forward a month of talking and she ended up choosing someone else and left me again. I became severely depressed after this for a few months. Since then, I have genuinely felt nothing. I've lost multiple relatives and pets, I felt nothing. I'll laugh or act sad when I think the situation demands it, but I don't actually feel those emotions, it's all an act. I have zero motivation to do anything either. My parents are annoyed that I'm not working or trying to better my life, but I literally don't have the will to. I try to explain to them how I feel but they just call me lazy. I spend my days scrolling on my phone and sleeping, that's it. I have no friends and rarely go outside and talk to other people, and limit conversation with my parents as much as I can. I imagine bettering myself and I really want to. I just can't for some reason and I don't know why. I've been to a therapist but quit going after a month as I didn't want my parents wasting money on something that I felt didn't help me at all. I used to think I was still depressed, but I'm not sad or anything close to it. I'm simply just existing. Any help would be appreciated as I'm lost and don't know what to do.

Im a creep, i know that, deep down i know that, every woman that i loved till now pushed me away, its not theyre fault that i creeped them out. Im alone, i never had no one close to guide me, but to face that is too painfull, its like always crashing into a wall at full speed, i know that my feelings for these women don't matter and they never served other purpose then to make them see me as a person who makes them uncomfortable but it hurts too much.

She has been prescribed a new medication recently, but stopped for a few days. I went to an hospital emergency yesterday where she saw a psychiatrist that told me she had to go back on her medication and is already seeing her psychiatrist next Monday, I was expecting an hospitalisation and her friend who was there with me too.

The thing is, I don't think they realize what the fuck is going on. I took days off to stay at home but it is constant non sensical tangeantial talking non stop, not to me just alone in the house walking and talking, it never stops. Then jumping singing, not in an happy way, in a way to stop racing thoughts. Making the dinausor then laughing very loudly without a smile. It is disconcerning and frightening and I don't understand why they didn't take her for hospitalisation. I have to deal with this for now supposedly until she sees her psychiatrist. Maybe the meds will do effects soon ? She does not sleep a lot either despite the drugs the psychiatrist told me she should take to sleep, despite going for the higher dosage she gave me in case she would not sleep. I don't know what to do.

So I lost my nani,20 days back. The vibes around home are dull and it feels empty. Seeing the atmosphere around in the world,makes me want to enjoy but the mourning in the family is stopping me. This diwali is definitely not a good one and full of anxiety. A psychologist myself but still feeling trapped.

What can I possibly do to feel better?

Anyway,Happy Diwali y’all! 🪔❤️

I need help, but I don't know where to get it.

I live in Finland, therefore the people here obviously speak Finnish. As my Finnish vocabulary and communication skills have decreased over the years due to primarily using English as my means of communication, I can't hold proper conversations with people in Finland anymore. Even if someone here spoke English, I couldn't SPEAK with them, due to my incomprehensible accent. I quite literally CAN'T SPEAK any language, I can only write. This makes getting professional help an extremely difficult, troubling, and expensive process, which I can't afford.

What can I do?

Edit: I can't afford private help, and with Finland's mental health system already stretched thin due to high mental illness rates, I've come to accept that I'm simply out of luck. I'll have to find a way to fix myself on my own.

Hello, life long anxiety sufferer which tends to get worse and then get better and then worse again. I've noticed I have a pattern - things which I don't feel any immediacy to do I put off until I have to. It's so severe that I've almost lost my degree due to not submitting or getting letters from referral clinics and currently I have been waiting for a follow up DBS check which I've needed to chase a statement for - I've ordered it and then just left it. Now, when I'm being told it's extremely important this is done my anxiety is at all time high, and I've created the problem myself. I don't understand how I keep doing this, it's like if there's no immediacy I just can't do it and I keep getting myself into difficult situations despite knowing the stress it will cause me. Now I feel I have judgement from those around me for being lazy, and I want to scream. Does anyone else deal with this? Any tips on how to break this habit?

I intentionally try to avoid annoying, anger inducing stuff on the internet and on tv but no matter what i do, something rage inducing or someone extremely condescending/stupid pops up and ruins my mood. Can't even join a community to chat without either seeing egotistical dudes acting high and mighty, racist and sexist people hating on people for no reason or pure nepotism and bias happening in plain view, it legit annoys the hell out of me.

Social media is legit cancer, man.

I've always thought I was strong and always ok. I was in the mindset that everyone who suffers mentally was just doing it for attention. However in recent months, my entire life is going downhill. I've recently been dropping out of courses, going outside less often, talking to less people. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, it feels better, going outside is worse than staying inside. I'm restricted. Bound. I do not know why. I do not need help. I will do this on my own. Better.

Is it normal that when I see a diagnosed person on medication I want to kms because if I'm not diagnosed yet it means there's nothing wrong with me and I don't deserve to live if I want to be pitied so much for something I don't even have? As to tell myself: "See? This is the real deal. Not yours. You don't have this, your suffering isn't real. You're good. You're just an ingrateful piece of shit who's doing good, but you just want some more attention and sympathy. F*cking loser. Kill yourself". I know it probably isn't normal (say sane), I just wanted to know if it's more common than I think. Not that it would make me feel any better. I'm not planning on going to therapy or anything rn.

want to restart my life if I had the ability I would just leave and never talk to anyone currently in my life again. Family, frtends, co workers ect i would never speak to any of them again I want to move to far away I could never possibly be found. I feel like there's nothing left for me here where I'm at and I'm beginning to become so incredibly cold and heartless towards everyone my mental health is probably the worst it's been in a long time and I just sit here alone with my thoughts... thoughts I can't turn off or stop no matter what I do and the longer I stay alone in my own head the more I begin to hate myself more and more and when I say I hate myself I do I hate my looks, my own personality, my own traits reliving some of the decisions ive made that have put me here and wonder for hours " what could i have done different " " would doing anything different even change what happened " " what if they just realized im truly not worth any time or effort or love" genuinely my own worst enemy and I don't think anyone could hate me more than I hate myself and I feel like my only option left in life is to just move away and completely reinvent myself because if I don't I'll most likely eventually make one final decision if you know what I mean and unfortunately with my life the way it is I truly only ever see that as the only true ending to my own tale and I don't want that to happen. Idk what this post even is or why im posting on here for the 3 of you that will even see post. Maybe a listening ear?

What things have helped? Has it affected your career?

My mind and inner dialogue keeps repeating the same thoughts and lines, too many random memories keep popping up, songs keep playing in my head, weird images and imaginations, I'm having ADHD like symptoms, too aware of every thought, every head and body movement and when I'm speaking, a lot of existential thoughts, even when I'm sleeping I can tell my mind is racing thinking of so much things.

Could anyone give me advice? Has meds helped anyone with this?

I have a difficulty processing written and verbal information and find myself constantly having to reread a sentence well within my reading ability multiple times before being able to fully comprehend it, sometimes not even gaining understanding at all. This has been largely affecting my day to day life, causing issues at work where I struggle to follow basic instructions and my relationships with other people, but I have no idea exactly how to tackle the issue - whether this may be symptomatic of potentially another mental health condition or whether it’s issue on its own or if this is simply how I am.

My question is, where do/how should I start with searching for help?

Sadness is….

everything but a feeling.

I wake up. I probably got seven hours of sleep. Everything multiplies when you are asleep. Your dreams. Your nightmares. So when I wake up, I think my energy levels should have multiplied too. Except I am operating at negative zero cuz I am even more tired now than before I went to sleep and I am standing rn talking to you and you’re telling me about where I should be in the future and I wanna tell you I don’t think I can stand on my own in the present at this moment.

Sadness reverses my sight. With my eyes, I am meant to see what’s outside in my environment.

You think I am looking at you when you’re speaking to me but I am looking within myself finding burning spots in my stomach, a slowing heart above my stomach, dulling neurons above my stomach, above my heart, right there in my head. You ask me how my day is going. The mass of my brain lessens, perhaps I am losing thoughts. I am unable to respond to you. I am lighter.

I see a fog. I am a fog…but what do you see?

Why do I feel that my mindset is stuck in different decades that are not mine. I was born in 2000 and I have vague memories of my childhood popping my head right now all of a sudden. I remember I started getting depressed by 2017 and I still have some events that make me stuck in 2018/2019. My depression took over in 2020 and I became fully aware that I'm depressed and I need help.

Why do I feel like a part of me likes the 80s and 90s even 2000s more than 2010s onwards. I mean, I can go until 2013 but after that everything feels so strange and pretty boring

My partner filed a false complaint against me. Police interrogated me but at the end they realised that it is a false complaint. Then i filed a complaint (out of anger) but with proof. Now he is asking me a chance. I made his family come yo police station. Now i dont understand what to do.

20(m)So ever since I was little now that I think about it I might have had ocd I would had what some would call rocd and have intrusive thoughts like I hate god or I sold my soul obviously being a kid I didn't know what ocd was cause I always thought it was about organization and etc but everytime I would have to do mental compulsion like everytime I got a thought like that I had to ask for forgiveness I eventually stopped as I got older and now I would call myself an agnostic but at the start of this year I started having intrusive thoughts about harming myself and others after I was having bad panic attack every day due to stress I obviously could tell I was not doing okay so started researching and found out about schizophrenia(worst thing I have ever done)my brain automatically went hyperaware of everything,every sound,vision etc also scared that I would go insane and hurt someone so anytime I would hear something or see anything I would get terrified thinking I could be hallucinating I remember even getting my mom to take me to the hospital it was so bad even tried to go to the 7th floor which is the floor for mentally ill patients but they just brushed it off and said it was probably due to anxiety so fast forward I start seeing a doctor he also said he didn't think I was schizophrenic after telling him a he prescribed me medication ssri 100mg He started actually doing better got another job and started doing well I still had the thoughts and fear of schizophrenia but didn't bother me that's when I had the thought what if my brother is trying to kill me that's when it spiraled with these thoughts having paranoid thoughts about what if people are plotting against me and not what ifs but they are but I 1000000000% don't believe them and know that's crazy no one is plotting or trying to hurt me but I became obsessed with this new thought and the new theme switched,I mean technically the same theme cause it is the fear of schizophrenia but the thoughts changed I guess probably because I researched so much about schizophrenia now I'm even more scared I'm becoming schizophrenic cause these paranoid thoughts worry me because I start to think what if I believe them like I know I don't but what if I do,I always see that schizophrenic are paranoid about this and I know I don't believe them but it's like my mind is always thinking about it I mean I could literally be walking outside,shopping,doing whatever I'm doing see someone and have the thought there plotting against me or trying to kill me and I'm like what noooooo what the hell who thinks that,a schizophrenic of course and I have to constantly research everyday my symptoms of paranoid thinking and it's hard because I hear everybody else relate to being scared of developing it but mine really does like I'm having actual paranoid thoughts that again I know is insane and not true I even got a therapist she also said she doesn't believe I have it but trauma she didn't say anything about ocd though so it's like what is it then schizophrenia these thoughts just distress me so much cause what if I start believing them and they feel so real cause most people have what ifs mine are they are but I still 1000000% don't believe them

So for quite literally months, I’ve basically felt very depressed. I felt very sad like in a emotionally painful way if that makes any sense, lots of dissociation/derealization, tired all the time, no energy, no motivation, isolation, no appetite, emotional numbness, a lot of self harm, I wouldn’t shower for 2 weeks, basically didn’t maintain hygiene, suicidal ideation and thought, guilt, shame. Suddenly about id say 2 weeks ago randomly it kind of just stopped and I was out of the dissociative state and didn’t feel sad anymore. I was eating again I had so many ideas for some reason, i literally wanted to buy everything (I’ve already spent like $50 and I’m unemployed), I’ve not been getting the best sleep, I only got 4 hours the other night, 5 2 nights ago, because I was not tired at all and was busy searching the web for things to buy lol. Eating snacks in bed at 230am when I have to get up at 7. Suddenly really into pop musics from the 2010s for some reason spent an hour vibinf to it while dancing in the mirror at midnight. (My pupils also seemed to appear bigger and shinier but this might be irrelevant) I basically thought I was the best looking person ever lol starting at my self . In the morning not tired surprisingly besides when I was doing math lol. My slow sad playlist is too calm for me now whilst before it was all I could handle. I’ve been more social than usual and c talking more to my family than usual (it’s weird because I tell myself I don’t want to talk to them too much to not seem annoying yet I end up doing it anyway) Yet despite me not exactly feeling depressed in this moment, I wouldn’t say it feels like happiness per se. It more feels like I’m on my toes doing all these things but at the same time exhausted if that makes any sense? I’m confused I thought I was depressed considering that’s how I felt for months but now suddenly this is happening but it’s not necessarily happiness so I wouldn’t say I’m mentally ok I’m so lost and honestly feel terrible knowing that I really don’t have control of these moods I feel like I’m on a ride that never stops. I really struggle with self harm when I feel that depressive state (my arm is covered in scars) a month ago when I was feeling this way I was literally using a box cutter in inanimate objects just to cope and stay clean (although I relapsed many many times during this time) I was having a very very hard time not relapsing. I spent many nights conversing with 988 and other hotlines. And now, boom. I don’t even think about any of that stuff. Seeing sharp objects has no appeal to me whilst before I was going crazy over it. And these states, have absolutely no reason. Nothing is happening in my life at all to cause these feelings. These mood switches has happened before. It’s been happening for about a year actually but the depressive states happened for 2 years and progressed. I’ll be depressed for many months and then get a few weeks a month tops of feeling this elevated state then spiraling right back into depressive state coming back worse each time. The depressive states get so bad to the point I’m actually scared for my safety. The voices in my head tell me to basically hurt and kill myself. But now I’m elevated again. I’m actually so confused and I don’t know my self anymore. I can’t control my mood states and I feel so helpless.

Does anyone have any advice or maybe ideas of what this is or experienced something similar?

Responses greatly appreciated

TW: Suicidal thoughts, Domestic Violence

Today was a good day all things considered (aside from me bombing a test) but the entire time I couldn’t help but feel nothing. I figure most people would be justifiably upset about doing poorly at something like a test but I can only really laugh instead of being angry or sad. Then there is the fact that I’m trying to figure out how to talk to people and actually make friends and get outside, but I can’t stop myself from thinking that if someone doesn’t respond I’ve done something wrong, and I feel the need to ask what I’ve done (which also seems like it’d annoy people). I think this is because of the few friends I used to have online it was a regular occurrence for a group that I was in to just decide to boot me with no warning then telling me afterwards that everyone in the groups hated me or found me annoying (granted I was like a preteen/ younger teen who can’t read cues to save my life) anyyyyways today I was invited to join two of my classmates in their volleyball practice but the idea of being judged for not being able to play and generally everything makes it terrifying to try new things (that involve other people). I had someone I met on snap suggest hanging out and that made me so happy but like I’m worried that they’ll change their mind or hate hanging with me, because if I ever make plans half of the time they’re cancelled and I just kinda shut down for the day because I was setup mentally to do something and now that something is gone so like….. what do I do :3 I decided that going home was going to be too suffocating so I wandered around a mountain in my city then sat in the parks parking lot for like 2-3 hours just listening to music wishing I had someone to sit there with me. On the drive home I started thinking about all this shit and how there’s a lot of stuff that I should be feeling more feelings about things like: the fact that I regularly ideate, think about death (often involuntary and to my distress), that the only thing I ever receive compliments on is my singing,I haven’t been able to just hang out with someone for months, I had to witness my neighbors gf stumble around her hard bloodied because he had been extremely violent towards her and despite me and my dad trying to get her away from him he called her and convinced her to walk back inside and when the police showed up they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do anything because we didn’t think of taking photo evidence so now I kinda have to live with the fact that shit could be so much worse for her because of that, had to drive my drunk mother and aunt and had them scream at me because when my mom said she “never lies” I said “well I know that’s not true” because it is very improbable even if I hadn’t had her gaslight and lie to me all of the time, I’m living in a super barebones basement an hour away from anyone I know, college, and work, none of my moms side of the family even texted me after I had moved out because of how she treats me, the people around me at work and home spouting hella concerning political beliefs I had a point I think but I’ve kinda forgot it, I just feel like I want to disappear especially because I already feel like a husk just doing the motions Love y’all :3

We’re here for only 80-100 years if you’re lucky, some of us won’t even get to live that long, some die at a very young age and don’t even get to experience life at all. Some people are born with a bunch of disabilities and have a very rough life and don’t get the “normal” life everyone else gets to live (like me), there a shit ton of theories and speculations on what happens when you die and what life really is and what the meaning behind it all is (reincarnation, simulation, soul trap, etc) but the most distressing theory is that when you die, that’s it. It’s nothingness again for eternity. And I don’t like that shit at all, and I know it’s just my primitive ape brain not wanting to accept death but, come on. If it’s a real fucked up sick joke if it’s really nothingness - existence - nothingness again. Especially when there’s some people who don’t even get a chance of life or like I said die at a very young age. I like to lean on the idea that your brain hallucinates as your dying (dmt release), after the hallucination (which lasts 15 minutes but feels like an eternity) “you” are put in a state of complete nothingness until another consciousness takes place of the old one (which is essentially reincarnation). But I don’t know bro. I just fucking hate all this. Why am I even here? Are we really just meat computers brought into this existentnce to make more meat computers? I literally can’t do this shit anymore, everyday I wake up questioning why I’m still here, I even keep putting knives up to my wrist trying to cut myself but I can’t bring myself to do it cause I know it’ll just devastate my family. I just don’t want to be here anymore in this cruel meaningless existence, and to top it all off people are fake and cruel and are shitty towards one another there’s a lot of violence and I just don’t get why I couldn’t be born in a perfect world with no death, no disease, everyone loves each other, no one gets hurt, it’s just a peaceful loving utopia where you live in harmony with everybody and everyone loves one another. I hear people who do psychedelics say being on DMT feels even more real than being here in real life, I’ve heard that life in itself is all just a hallucination creates by the brain, there’s just so much shit and I don’t even know what to believe or do anymore.

Get clean they said, put yourself first for once, get some help, see a therapist, make things right.

Well… here I am after almost a year of trying to turn my life around. More lost, alone and afraid than ever.

I’ve done the therapy - I’ve seen numerous therapists / professionals over the last couple of years. Week in and week out I go and speak about my progress, troubles, life experiences etc. and try to gain some form of understanding and acceptance on the things that’ve happened in my life. Does help me? I think so, in a weird unexplainable way.

I got clean - as of writing I’m 248 days free from drink and drugs. Truthfully, I don’t miss any of it. I kinda reminisce sometimes but I certainly don’t miss the crippling anxiety / depression and paranoia that came with it all.

I focused on myself, got professional help and was diagnosed with ADHD. With that came more therapy and medication. The meds kinda help, I think, I don’t know.

I’ve learnt new things, I’ve changed as a person and I’ve mentally and emotionally matured / developed. I did everything that everybody around me told me would be best to help me pave a path to a more brighter and positive future.

Yet here I am today - feeling worse than ever. I barely leave the house, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety everyday, constantly drained, filled with shame and guilt, and on the brink of losing everything. I may lose my job and in turn put my family home at risk. I’m in such a bad headspace that I’m not capable of working. Just waking up and getting out of bed is a big struggle right now. It takes me at least 2-3 hours to be able to even function. So to get up at 5:30am, commute for an hour and put myself in a busy environment, whilst having to wear that social mask, it’s just a no go. The idea of it makes me want to vanish. I can’t be around people right now, my body becomes riddled with anxiety and fear at the thought of it, thus making me shut down and fall asleep. It’s physically painful.

With that said, I can’t afford not to work. Sick pay doesn’t cover the bills, it wouldn’t even cover half of my mortgage. I’ve never been out of work before, I’m an honest guy and always paid my way in the world, but right now - I just can’t do it, I’m struggling so much. I feel so trapped. I have no friends / family, no support network and my life is spiralling out of control. All because I’m trying to heal and be the best version of myself possible for my partner.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself in this whole process, I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t feel anything. I don’t enjoy anything, it’s like I’m just here… existing. As if I’m just gazing through a frosted window, watching my life happen from a 3rd person perspective.

I’m so mad that things have gotten this bad considering I’ve tried so hard and everyone promised me things would get better. I could lose everything I’ve ever worked for and I know it’d devastate my partner if we lost our home. I can’t bear the pressure, I don’t know what to do and I don’t see any way out of this. I’m getting worse everyday, I just want to feel ok, I’m trying so hard right now to keep it together.

I just had to get this off my chest. If anyone took the time to read this, thank you. Any kind words would be most appreciated, god knows I could use them right now. Peace and love - Jordan