Hey, i have a mystery of my dads biological dad, his biological mom says she knows but doesn’t know and then says i know but i don’t know, then proceeds to say it doesn’t matter anyways he doesn’t have much family, apparently her sister knows but wont give it up either, i think my dad has the right to at least know who his biological family is whether we reconnect or not! However these ignorant ladies think that we don’t have a right to know. i really want to know who he is or who his family is, my dad was born in 1967 and even he wonders everyday, what are some steps i can take if any! i do know the bio father would have been in Alberta canada/ Saskatchewan, or even Winnipeg if anyone has any advice please let me know also note she put white out on his birth certificate and gave the adoptive family a photo copied version, so we couldn’t see the fathers name 🙄

Kinship/ Adoption - Need a safe space to think

My husband and I are so thrilled for our baby girl who is due in March. She is a pregnancy after 2 losses (including one loss that was a twin pregnancy) We also have a 3yo son. We have done about 5 years of fertility treatments for our two babes and don’t plan to pursue any further treatments/ pregnancies.

That being said, we have always been open to having more than 2 kids. Some of the fertility treatments we’ve done came with a risk for multiples (ie twins) and we have always been ok with that possibility.

We have also during this journey discussed so many possibilities to include egg/sperm donor, adoption etc.

So now the sticky part — my brother and his now ex wife (I’m going to call her SIL) are pregnant with a baby who is due to arrive in January. My brother is an addict who has been in and out of jail. SIL is a deeply religious woman who met my brother during a bout of sobriety, and married him only for him to relapse. Now they are getting divorced (her church is giving her an annulment) and SIL along with her parents have decided the best thing is for her to place the baby for adoption.

A little background— her mom and dad had their first baby “out of wedlock” (remember these are their beliefs not mine) and because this was not socially acceptable to their families they placed SIL’s brother for adoption. Later mom and dad got married and had 2 more kids (1 being my SIL). This was a closed adoption but they have reconnected now that the brother is an adult.

My brother has expressed that he feels that he cannot be an adequate parent to the child especially solo and has no desire to reconcile with SIL. However, he doesn’t want the baby to be adopted to an unknown family through the religious organization SIL would use. Instead he is hoping that my husband and I will adopt the baby and he can be in the babies life as an uncle and the rest of the family relationships would be the same (grandma is still grandma, etc)

My husband and I are inclined to do this but not sure what would happen re: relationship with SIL. She has said she wants a closed adoption but who knows. Currently my brother and I have limited contact and he is no contact with my husband and child/ future children until he can demonstrate sobriety and even then would only be around us at family gatherings (Christmas for example).

I am not opposed to either parent having a relationship with the child - it would likely not be a traditional parent/child relationship and I anticipate that navigating the nuanced situation would be tricky. So far, SIL has not expressed an interest in this.

What things do I need to think about? — we are going to try to meet with a lawyer in the next 1-2 weeks to discuss further. Beyond that I would like to hear perspectives from adoptees especially those who were kinship placed.

I've known my whole life I was adopted, I have wonderful parents who nurtured me into a very caring and empathetic woman. It's so hard to summarize the last 6 years of my life into a quick post because there's so many small details that could help with opinions and I really need advice so I appreciate any adoptees or birth moms who are willing to read this and give me their opinions 😩

My adoptive parents are very liberal, my mom was a political science major, their both attorneys and she ran for family court judge and lost because of our Republican county and the 2016 election broke us both. So in 2018 when I met my birth mom, founding out she was a trump supporter broke me even more. A few months after meeting my birth mom, we met them on their vacation at OBX, we were only going for a few days so we met them half way through their trip so we drive up to them on the beach with Trump flags on most of their cars flying in the wind. We knew they were supporters but finding out their like this, with Trump stickerd all over their coolers, shirts, etc. My fiance and I did our best to ignore it and just try to get to know them as people and not judge them based on their foolish choices. The few days went well but at the last dinner, the friends (mostly cops) when saying a toast about the week, thanking God, blah blah blah and at the end, anyone who didn't vote for trump can jump off the balcony. Which let me make clear, we were the only Democrats there that clearly didn't vote for him so my fiance and I are pretty outspoken people, we got up and we're like ok done and she did follow us out to say she's not like that, she's not into politics like that, she would never make anyone feel that way, etc..etc.. so ok we move on right... We did soooo.many things that first year with them, my sister was apart of my proposal, we went to their house after I said yes, just so many things that gave me false hope that this is what I've waited for my whole life and I stupidly held onto that.

An important detail I think I need to mention is my birth mom told no one she was pregnant. She didn't tell my birth father, she didn't tell a majority of her friends, she never told her daughter so when I came around for the first time I was this big miracle and new shiny thing I felt like she was proud of showing off at first..but then I had to lie to her grandmother about who I was because she didn't want to upset her. Then little things started to make feel like all of this was facade for her to feel like a good person again..when I found my birth father in 2019, he was so angry with the fact he had no idea I existed this whole time, he has a daughter a little younger than me and his family is also livid that they never knew about me. their Puerto Rican that grew up in a very white hick town so what I've gathered is my birth moms parents were very mad about the baby out of wedlock but very upset about who it was with moreso. My birth father'smom, my mima, cries anytime we get together because I'm her oldest grandchild and she would have done anything to help raise me.

2020 is when we really slowly saw my birth mom and her husband less and less, especially because of COVID, my husband is a nurse in the hospital and had a very traumatic year and my birth mom wasn't taking it as seriously as we were. Then with Biden beating Trump that obviously put tension in my relationship with her again, I even got into a little debate with my sister for the first time because she just blindly follows her parents and has no brain of her own and that frustrates me because she's so much bigger than that.

Anyway fast forward to 2022, we had our first baby girl. I was like this is going to change everything, I'll have this close relationship with my birth mom, my daughter will bring us all together and at first it seemed like that could be the case but from summer of 2023 at the stupid obx trip, things did not grow between us, they just started dying. Their relative made a rude drunk comment about my baby having a bad night crying and no one stood up for us which as an adoptee, we already deal with abandonment issues so thanks for that, she really made that wound better. 🙄 After that vacation, we saw them twice during the fall and winter and then not again until her 2nd birthday party. So this last summer, with the Trump vs Harris race, the things my birth mom were posting on Facebook were embarrassing, hateful, pathetic and just overall showed who she really truly is. We didn't speak all summer, I saw my sister a good amount which is important to me but I only saw my birth mom one night in October at her house which Trump flags flying in the wind again and her last post really turned me off, I even deleted social media to avoid responding with anger.

I just don't know how to get past it this time. For me, 2016 trumpsters vs. 2024 trumpsters are different. This year, I cannot pretend that it's just a difference in political views because it's not anymore..it's a difference in morals and I feel like she's never actually showed me who she was and I don't think I'll ever find out and I don't know if my heart can handle the reality when it wants so bad to have this fairytale story with her.

I don't even remember my dad. Mom says he left when i was 5. I feel guilty that i don't remember him. I don't know the reason he left. Maybe i am not his biological daughter or my mom drove him away. But i need to know and i don't get along with my mom. How do I find him? All i have is his name that i found in some papers i found. Please help. I am 16f and how can I do it legally..

I am 25 years old. I have an older half brother through my father. And another full biological younger brother. About a year ago I found out I had another half sibling that was put up for adoption before any of us were born. Through my father. I was the only girl growing up and finding out I had a sister has been life changing. I have never stopped wondering if she’s okay, what her name is, what she looks like. I did a DNA test a couple years ago and nothing came up. Today I went to show my date the results and I had a match and message from my half sister. She is looking to talk and is very excited to meet me. I am completely thrilled this is everything I have ever wanted and more. But I am at a loss for words. She gave me her number and I don’t even know what to start the text with.

I'm attempting to help my father find his birth family. His adoptive parents refuse to share any information besides the county he was born in, his birthday, and that his parents were "young and healthy." He has done the Ancestry DNA test, but it didn't list any relatives. I don't know where to look from here, but I still very much want to continue the search. If anyone has tips on what to do/where to start that would be awesome.

I am a foster parent and I have two sisters who are heading toward adoption. Mom left the first at the hospital two days after giving birth, and then did the same with the second. She got in contact about a month after the first was born and had one visit with her then went MIA again shortly after. There has been no contact since the second was born. Please note that I am not judging mom for this and no one else should either. The situation is very nuanced and sad.

The youngest was given a name that is not a real name, or I guess it wasn't until it was given to her - it's not a name that as been used before. I am not going to share it for obvious reasons, but imagine it is something along the lines of Porhava, Minwina, Solarny....basically sounds that are commonly used but not in this particular combination, and being completely honest, it sounds a bit silly. When people hear it the reaction is typically "huh?" People keep assuming that mom must have been high when she put it on the birth certificate, but she wasn't. Her mental state fluctuates though and I don't know what kind of place she was in when the baby was born. Also, there are two different likely pronunciations but we don't know what was intended because no one has ever heard mom say it.

Her middle name is the same as her mom's middle name and we thought we would call her that instead but it honestly just doesn't fit her. We try calling her by her real first name or the middle name but end up falling back on endearments most of the time - little one, baby girl, sweat heart, etc. Everything feels wrong and I feel so guilty about it. It is getting to the point where if we need to make a solid decision because she's going to end up confused.

I know that many (most?) adoptees have not been happy that their names were changed, and I am not sure what to do. My gut tells me that the right thing to do in this situation is drop the first name and replace it with something else, but I know that changing a child's name isn't the right thing to do in most cases. I care about the girl's mom and their connection with her, and I hope that she comes back into the picture one day. I don't want to take away any part of their connection but I also don't want to leave my kid with a name that might feel like more of a burden than a connection.

My oldest daughter is adopted and I never would have considered changing her name, aside from taking on our last name. Her original last name became part of her middle name. We plan to do the same with the older of these two.

If we do change the name, should we try to make it something that sounds similar to the original name? Something that sounds like her sister's name? Use the middle name even though it doesn't feel like it fits? Keep the first name and call her something else?

II would really love to hear anyone's thoughts, and would especially appreciate thoughts from adoptees if anyone is up to it.

Hi everyone

So... I have an aunt that lives in Seattle WA... my father died last year and my mom Is still alive, anywwa long story short, my aunt i treat like its my actual mother , she was always there for me... and supported me over the years when i was at my lowest where my real mom didn't even bother to ask.

Anyway long story short. we are considering of adoption.

I suppose adult adoption is easier then child adoption, faster and cheaper... at least i belive so?

but i still don't know much about the process? how should we start. another problem is that she lives in USA and i am still in serbia, my aunt is an American citizen

also i have no desire to immigrate to USA, and besides i read adoption has no impact on immigration to USA after age 16.(i am 21) tho i guess i wold have an easier time getting a USA tourist visa? since i do want to visit them.

has someone been through similar situation?

thanks

So my wife and I have adopted three children and are looking to adopt a 4th, seriously considering embryo adoption. But I have a question.why do I have to adopt the embryo?

A close friend, and want to make it official for their sake. They have no family and want to make it official.

So without spewing my life story; I have 13 siblings most of us either got fostered or adopted out but in the last two years we made contact and all get along super well without our adoptive or bio parent (out mother)in the equation

But my youngest sibling who would be 20 now was actually raised across the road from me by his paternal grandparent(a long story but he was unaware of who I was and we never spoke), a few years ago when he was 16 he contacted me via social media but my family was an absolute mess and my siblings that have been adopted hadn't made contact yet so because of these (amongst many other) reasons I told him sorry but I can't give you answers at the moment, he understood and we parted

But because my siblings situation these days is as perfect as it can get I thought of maybe writing a letter to him and giving him the opportunity to make contact with us all however I don't want to needlessly stress him out and I know that Barr our mother abandoning him he has had a brilliant upbringing from what I could see

What do you all think?

My husband is the only person working as I go to college, Can we still foster a child, or would it be a problem?

I have been looking into fostering in the state of AZ I have a 2-bed room, I have 1 yorkie, and 3 cats ages 7 weeks- 2 years.

Hey everyone! I wrote an essay about my journey with music, shaped by my experience growing up in the foster care system. I hope it resonates with music lovers out there or encourages others in their own journey with music. Just wanted to share in case anyone might be interested. I also have other blog posts covering my experiences with reconnecting with my family and navigating the corporate world. Apologies if this isn’t the right place to share!

On Music: A Journey of Self-Discovery

Personally I have some concerns, probably too much to add here. Just thought I’d share the link so we can have a think about it.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3vl5w3zy2eo

Hello all! Reaching out here because I have no idea where or how to start this endeavor. Hoping to see if anyone had any luck finding their birth parents or other relatives.

I recently took Ancestry DNA which unsurprisingly turned out to be not much helpful.

I think my next move is to try to get a Chinese DNA test through friends and see how that goes.

Also, I’m considering reaching out to some Chinese adoption advocacy groups, but I’ve never participated in one before.

Thanks in advance for sharing thoughts and ideas!

so i'm salvadoran & jewish. but i was adopted into a white family, who basically assimilated me. ever since i found out i was adopted, i tried to reconnect to my culture, but even when i go to latino spaces i always feel like an oddball. something i hate is that i have green eyes which make a lot of people think i'm not latino. my adopted parents dont understand why i feel the way i do and it sucks... i hate being whitewashed

Hey everyone😁 To keep it a long story short, I have two stepdaughters that have already told me they want me to adopt them, and of course I’m willing to adopt them and would really like to. They both have different biological fathers who are both willing to terminate their rights without contest.

Unfortunately, I cannot afford a lawyer anytime soon. Every lawyer wants thousands for each child as a retainer fee and then some per month. I know that using a lawyer would be the fastest and most efficient method. However, I am trying to do this independently to save on costs. I know that this will be the most frustrating route, but I would rather be able to start this process and do it myself. I currently live in Houston, Harris County specifically, and have had the hardest time locating anything resembling forms to begin this process. I have already contacted my district clerk office and I’ve been directed to some helpful volunteer websites, but I have not been able to find any sort of forms yet.

I’m hoping someone on here would be able to help guide me into some sort of direction on where to begin or maybe someone who has gone through this without a lawyer.

With a little background context, my stepdaughters have some abandonment issues from their biological fathers. One father moved to another state after divorcing their mother when she was only three years old and has basically been without a dad until I showed up in her life. My other stepdaughter’s biological father has been dismissive and neglectful, for example, he lives 30 minutes away and has lived there for almost 2 years and has not once come to see his daughter. That stepdaughter finally denounced him as her father.

I’ve been dad in their lives for a few years now. they currently go to therapy due to this situation and I know that they have a major fear that I will abandon them. To me, the moment that I told them I will be their dad if they want me to is the moment that I forever committed myself to them. I just want them to have a sense of security.

I’m curious to hear from other adoptees about how the age at which they were adopted may have influenced their experience with trauma and attachment. I was adopted at 3 years old and have huge attachment issues, and I’ve been wondering: would it have been different if I’d been adopted at birth or later, say at 10?

The first few years of life are often described as critical for development and forming attachment styles, so I’m interested in how that early phase might affect things. Does being adopted as a newborn vs. as a toddler or older child make a significant difference in how trauma is experienced?

Hi, all. I'm an adoptive parent of a baby. We're in an open private domestic adoption. We're exchanging letters and emails and also talking on the phone with our child's birth mother. She has schizophrenia. She is currently on medication and doing well, but we're not sure how long she will continue to be well. What are some questions you'd want to ask her while she is able to answer them?

Hey everyone, haven’t ever thought of making a post like this but here goes. I’m looking for advice, I’m unsure if I want to proceed and contact my biological family members at all, but if I do decide to, what’s the best way to go about it? I’m 22 and was given to my parents the day I was born. To my knowledge my birth mother didn’t want to look at me(totally valid response to the trauma of giving up a baby). I’ve never felt a strong desire to speak to anyone or try and figure out who my birth parents are as I genuinely feel my life has worked out how it should, and my parents have been the most incredible people I know. I have recently had an itch in the back of my head that I would like to know more. I got a 23 and me kit and my boyfriend and I sent in our dna. Well I got my relatives back and was shocked to find someone with 12% dna matching mine, most likely a sibling of my grandmother. I guess my question to you all is how accurate do we believe these tests to be? Because using a few other relatives I was able to reverse engineer a family tree to figure out my grandmothers name and children. She had one girl and three boys. I do know the name of my birth mother(or what they gave us ) so I’m pretty sure one of her three boys is my father. I’m becoming conflicted on whether or not to reach out because I’m worried the dna kit might have got it wrong? I don’t want to bother these people if I’m not actually related to them. In addition, the fact that I do not know which is my father makes me anxious. What if the rest don’t know? I’m not trying to make an explosive entrance and mess up their family relationship. But from what I know about my adoption, the father and mother had a child already, then gave me up for adoption, and then had another child afterwards. The only reason I know that is because they contacted my parents to see if they wanted to adopt that child as well(this fell through for various unrelated reasons). I’m curious on y’all’s thoughts. Is it overstepping my bounds to reach out? Is it my right? I’m so conflicted.

Hi, I'm a 16M from Michigan. I currently live with my bio family, which includes my Mom, Dad, 15 year old brother and 11 year old sister.

This weekend, some bad stuff happened with my dad and the police were called (by me.) It is certainly not the first time there has been an altercation between my dad and I, but it is certainly the most dangerous. The second most shocking was in July, and I have spent as much time as possible away from him since then, whether it be avoiding him or avoiding the house in general. Both stories are very long, but the result of the June situation was that he abandoned me at a police station with no food or water (only some corrective food for my blood sugar, I'm type one diabetic. Not nearly enough though) and went home, locked our entire house up with things such as a bike lock around our front door handle, changing codes on the front door and garage door. The situation this weekend was while I was driving my car and he was tugging on my steering wheel while I was on the expressway. He ended up putting my car in neutral while I was driving. Both times police were called, they filed child endangerment and now CPS is investigating. While he is rarely physically abusive, his emotional abuse is absolutely absurd and I'm looking for options that don't include him in my life anymore.

Sadly, if I look for adoption I'm afraid I won't be able to see my mom anymore, and we have a strong relationship. I also want to finish school at the high school I currently attend because I am on a very good track there and don't want my hard work to go to waste by switching schools. Any advice is really appreciated.

How traumatic was it to be adopted for people who were adopted? I’ve been thinking to give my own child up for adoption due to lack of resources and how it’s been affecting my ability to parent and look after myself. I had my daughter when I was 21 on my own. I have no family to help me. I feel like I’m failing her everyday because I can’t work, can’t provide for her properly. I do the best I can with the little that I have, I love her more than I love myself but I feel she’s disadvantaged by growing up with a poor single mom. She’s 7 now and we live in a 1 bedroom apartment. I can only afford basic necessities such as food, clothes etc. My mental health is in the gutter. She doesn’t ever want to leave my side and I’m scared I’m going to get sick neglecting myself like this. This topic seems so taboo whenever I talk to anyone about these thoughts they just shut me down and say things will get better. It’s been 7 years, nothing is getting better.

My son, age 7, came to live with us through CPS involvement at age 7 months. His adoption was finalized when he was 2.5 years old. His biological mom is my sister in law (husband's sister). He had only one visit with her when he was 8 months old. She died about a year and a half ago due to substance use.

We talk openly about adoption in our family and while our son doesn't ask a lot of questions or seem to want to know much I take the opportunity to bring it up when it comes up and we celebrate the adoption day with a "family day" each year. I do my best to maintain a relationship with his older biological half sister who lives with her biological father. He also has two younger bio half brothers and I'm in contact with one of their adoptive families. I've passed my contact info along to the other family but have never received contact.

We don't know who our son's biological father is. Birth mom told told everyone it was her boyfriend at the time when she was pregnant. He sadly overdoesd and died during her pregnancy. His family became quite close to my SIL and my son early on before he entered foster care.

We've maintained a relationship with this family and have seen then 1-2 times a year, when they ask. However a few years ago, when our son was about 3 or 4, we decided to pursue genetic testing with the alleged paternal uncle and learned that he was not related to our son. This was really sad news. We communicated with the uncle which was an awful conversation. However, he was worried about telling his mother who is very old and decided not to tell her the truth.

We of course care about them all and don't want to cause pain. However, my son does not ask about them and honestly seems uncomfortable when we visit them since it is so infrequent. He has never asked who they are and we've always just referred to them as "friends".

My concern is that it feels really wrong. Like my son is being used for this elderly woman's comfort/happiness. She doesn't know the truth and believes that he is her grandson, the only child of her dead son. She has been nothing but respectful to my family but it just feels wrong to me.

They've reached out to visit and I'm struggling on what to do. I feel like my need to make situations comfortable for others is getting in the way a bit here but also don't realistically see lasting harm in a quick visit.

Any thoughts here? At this point maybe I should just ask my son if he wants to see them. I don't even know that he'd remember them because our visits have been so infrequent.

I guess my thought is that these people are pretty insignificant to his life, although he is very significant to theirs. But his significance is based on a lie and that feels uncomfortable to maintain if it will impact my son.

Not sure if any of this makes any sense, but I'm open to feedback!

My twin sister and so were adopted children back in the 90’s. It was a closed adoption but we were adopted by our maternal grandparents after spending essentially the first 7 years of our lives in foster care. We didn’t know who our bio parents were because it was a ‘closed book’ and there were no pictures or anything we could discover. Our birth certificates were amended as well. Unfortunately, my adopted grandparents were quite abusive and at age 14, we were put back into the foster care system and lived in shelters until we aged out as we were pretty much told we were too old for foster care and adoption.

I’m now 35 and my husband and I have one biological child ourselves and I am unable to have a 2nd. I have been researching adoption. It’s insanely expensive to do it privately, and to do it through DCF, they are now all open adoptions with the idea of trying to keep the birth family/mother connected. Also, when calling and doing a lot of initial research, a lot of the children are older, like 10 and up mostly, and we would prefer a baby/toddler that we can mold at a young age without the emotional baggage my twin sister and I experienced.

It just seems like there are so many hoops to jump through and I don’t understand why it’s so difficult. Being an RN, I remember having clinicals on Mother/Baby units and seeing several patients that gave their children up for adoption. I’m guessing they probably went through an experience, private agency though.

Any thoughts as to how to navigate the process a bit easier with what we are looking for? Thanks in advance!

When me and my child’s father had our oldest daughter we were both 19 and did not have our lives together what so ever. His mother stepped in and wanted to adopt her so we let her because at the time we trusted her. Long story short it was the worst decision I’ve ever could’ve made! we are both now 25 & our daughter is 5 years old. about two weekends ago we met his mom to pick our daughter up for her to spend the weekend with us and his mom told me that our daughters teacher had called DHR on her because of a bruise on her inner thigh, his mom told me she fell off a tree. When we got home I asked my daughter what really happened and she automatically said that she hit her with a belt. I want my daughter back with us and I want her arrested for child abuse. Leaving bruises on a child is not normal I don’t care what anyone says!!!! Do we have a chance at getting her back or if we report the pictures and videos we have to DHR will she just be put in foster care???

Hi ,

I'm 23 years old and the oldest daughter in my family. This December, I'll be returning to China for the first time in three weeks with my mom and sister. I was adopted as a baby, and for a long time, I’ve pushed down a lot of feelings about what it means to be adopted. Now that I'm preparing for this trip, all these emotions are surfacing, and I feel so alone because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I’d love to connect with other women who were adopted from China and hear about your experiences, especially if you've made a similar journey back.

If anyone is open to sharing or knows good places to connect with fellow adoptees, please let me know. I’m ready to talk about my adoption and process these emotions, and I’m hoping to find someone who understands.