Hey guys - before I start this post, I just want to say I KNOW I'm a selfish, horrible person.

I'm a new mom to a 4.5 month old baby boy. The newborn phase was not that bad - I got through it and I had the support of his grandparents.
I got pregnant from hooking up with a guy in exchange for some drugs. I would have gotten an abortion but I live in a red state, didn't have health insurance at the time, and didn't find out I was pregnant until 5 months (I did not do drugs or drink throughout my ENTIRE pregnancy - that night I slept with the guy was the last time I did drugs - so my son is okay ) I actually planned on having him adopted - I had his family picked out and everything, but changed my mind super last minute after he was born.

I'm trying to get his dad on child support, and it's a stressful situation. His dad is ignoring the state, their letters, and now we have a court date set up - if he doesn't show up then he gets a default judgement and they'll automatically start garnishing his wages.I am a little worried about my son being in his custody when/if the guy ever comes around and decides to actually parent him - leading me to believe maybe I should just drop the case against him and raise him without his dad's support.

I was a homeless dancer before I had my son. I'm in school now, and I'm an esthetician so I'm trying to get a hustle going to be financially independent. I'm struggling immensely though - with my mental health and facing the reality that I'm going to be taking care of another human being that's half of someone I didn't even truly love - and evidently he hates me as well. I was bitter before I became a single mom, and I'm even more bitter now. I have never been truly loved, and I'm barely able to take care of myself, so I don't feel like I'm in the space to take care of someone else.

I love my son - he's absolutely adorable and he deserves the best - and the best is not his broke, egomaniac mother. I care too much about vanity - I'm a jealous and bitter person, I even think I'm a bit sociopathic. I don't really know if I'm truly nurturing, or if it's performative because it's what's expected of me as a mom. I don't think my son is "baggage" but he's very clear evidence that I have baggage. I prop feed him at night because I can't and refuse to get up multiple times throughout the night to sit up for 20 minutes and feed him.

I've never been loved, and now I'm expected to love someone else. I've never been taken care of, and now I'm expected to take care of someone else. I'm expected to pay for someone else's existence when I can barely fund my own. And I've never been loved or spoiled, so I make it a priority to spoil myself when I can. I even feel better when I go places without him attached to me - because I'm away from the image of "single mother"
My emotions are very diffcult for me to decipher - I think I love him. He's adorable, and it makes me happy to see him smile and laugh, but sometimes when he's crying I feel like leaving him by himself in another room.

I'm considering adoption again. Should I go through with it? His grandparents are getting older in age - and his grandmother can be quiet verbally abusive. His grandfather is a narcissist - his own sons don't even come around to see him anymore - so he's not that much better off with them either.

I think I thought it perfectly when I thought that:

It's hurtful when suspected main characters prove to only be supportive characters to the story of the protagonist or main character. Chapters are written without them in hopes they may return again later in the story ❤️

i was watching some family vloggers on YouTube (i'm not going to name them bc their daughter is a minor) but the parents are white, and they fostered + adopted an african american girl, she's the main focus of their content, they have about a million subscribers, and at first i thought they were a nice family, and i appreciated that the mom tried to take care of the girl's natural hair

but as i watched more videos, i noticed they put the girl's full government name, they have a whole video talking about her adoption, what state they live in

in one video, they had her in a swimsuit and they had the camera zoomed right in front of her face as she was licking frosting off of a cupcake for like a good 5 minutes, and then as she was sipping off a straw, they zoomed in again (i'm not trying to s*ggsualize a little girl, but there's a lot of evil people who have access to their content)

and then i watched another video, and they left her by herself with a couple of 13-14 y/o's, i'm pretty sure she's like 7 y/o??

i started to look at their other social medias, and apparently they wrote a whole book about her that they're selling rn, and they have a bunch of other hoodies and t-shirts with motivational phrases on them

maybe i'm overanalyzing? they seem like nice people so i don't wanna judge based on a couple videos

I apologize in advance if this forum isn’t the right place for this question.

I married my husband 10 years ago, he had been widowed for nearly two years when we met (his wife tragically passed from osteosarcoma, she fought so hard). His daughter was 4 when we met. It was a whirlwind courtship, but we are happily married and I love her more than life itself. She and I are extremely close and she has called me “mom” entirely by her own choice since we were married. In these situations, I believe that my job is to be exactly what this sweet child who underwent unimaginable trauma needs. If she needed someone she saw as a loving stepparent, that would have been 💯 fine. But I am so thankful to get to be called “mom” and to have that relationship with her. There’s no script for this, but we are extremely happy as a family. We have pictures of her mom she keeps up in her room and a box of her mother’s things (she’s never wanted to see it but knows we have it for her, if and when she’s ready). It has not come up for many years, although I know that children who experience loss like this continuously go through a grieving process as they mature (processing adverse childhood experiences).

In any case - on to the question. I am 42 and am in early stages of pregnancy - we are so happy. This is my first pregnancy. If things proceed healthily I imagine we’d tell our daughter when I’m at least 20 weeks along (although she’s a smart kid she’ll probably figure it out beforehand)!

I am so, so worried she will think I might somehow love her less than her sibling, and so many different and complicated feelings might arise. I have never officially adopted her, early on her dad felt that she should be the one to express if this is something she wanted but we shouldn’t push her on it. It’s never come up - for all I know, she may assume I have adopted her. She is very close with my family, my parents are the only grandparents she has (long story).

Should I bring up the adoption topic? Would this help her in any way? Would it be much worse? I’m afraid she thinks I’ve already adopted her and would feel betrayed if she found out she wasn’t. Am I overthinking this? I love her so much and her feelings and security are the most important thing above all else. She is my whole heart. Thank you in advance for any perspective.

I gave birth at 20 to my birth son. He's placed in an open adoption and is 5 years old now.(I see him regularly. We have a good relationship) I got married recently. My hubby and I want kids and I want to get pregnant. But I'm so scared what emotions will come up with getting pregnant again.

Could anyone who's been in this situation offer some advice? How was your experience planning a pregnancy, being pregnant, and parenting after birth?

Back story.. I was adopted by my grandparents (they adopted my mom) I placed a child up for adoption many years ago (36 now) Now I want to be a mom.. am I wrong if I adopt?! I never became a mom because of that guilt.

So I've been thinking a lot about my adoption and long term affects on my life. I was adopted as a baby so I guess for most of my life I assumed since I couldn't remember being adopted it couldn't negatively affect me. I'm sure it didn't help that my adoptive parents who adopted 3 kids after they couldn't have any seemed completely disinterested in actually having children and I guess just wanted to keep up with the joneses. I played sports from the time I was 5 until my twenties..soccer, softball, track and field, basketball etc I was constantly having some sort of game each week and out of the thousand games or whatever my adoptive mom never came to a single one, never drove us to school, or made us lunch to bring to school never did the intimate things that show your child you really care. Even though she didn't work we had full time nanny's and while mh dad was a sweet man who tried to be involved as much as he could I began to really resent him for never standing up for us when my adoptive mom was extremely cruel (emotionally and sometimes physically abusive) he would tune it out or stay at work all the time so I began to think as an abuse enabler he was just as bad as her. I keep saying my dad I mean mh adoptive one sorry.

I mention this back story because while it had a great affect on me I feel like the feelings of emptiness and disassociation were not necessarily from that but from being adopted in myself. I am a parent now and im aware of how babies are attached to their mother, hear her voice while they are in the womb/are comforted by it, can identify their mothers smell as newborns etc and it made me think of how as an infant it likely affects my secure attachment to be taken from my birth mother at a couple weeks old and put with strangers. I always feel like something is missing and I feel out of place. Sometimes I think that god had a plan for me or I had my path and I was diverted from it by my adoption and that's why I've been sort of aimless and restless since I could remember. I don't know I was just wondering if anyone else ever felt that way or knows of any studies etc. I did read that kids even adopted at birth have a higher rate of addiction and depression. Don't get me wrong I am a huge proponent of adoption. There are some amazing people out there that can't wait to love someone's baby. I've been thinking about adopting one day myself but I will do it differently than my own adoptive parents. Communication is importabt my adoptibe mom always seemed jealous and didn't want to talk about my birth parents and that was important to me to understand what happened:be able to talk about my feelings around it but I was always shut up when I approached the subject. Would love to hear other adoptees experiences regarding this.

Thanks!

I'm 22 (F) and have known my bio mom for a year or so now. I wouldn't say our relationship is deep or anything because she has a lot of mental health issues coupled with no money (lives in the projects). Anyways, I recently decided to look more into my 23&me results and found a 1st cousin on my paternal side.

My bio mom doesn't know who she had me with due to her addiction issues (I think thats pretty common for this situation tho) but anyways I have been reaching out to my paternal side of the family with the help of my newfound cousin but with little luck.

They keep saying "there's no way we could be your grandmother," or "I'm not sure how we are related but good luck!" ---- I understand some apprehension but how is nobody interested in helping me find out who my father is when its such a small percentage of people it could be?

I just think if the roles were reversed and someone reached out to me I would honestly be siked to sherlock holmes that shit.

Am I being crazy?

Edit: Also, not sure if this changes anything, but my bio mom was around my age when she got pregnant so these are pretty young people in the grand scheme of things.

I'm a trans woman and therefore infertile. After watching I Saw the TV Glow, I went through a lot and realized I wanted to be a mother. So? I sat down and started doing research on private adoption. I started looking at the agencies. I even went to the parenting section, a place that was never meant for me, that acknowledges pregnancy as the only way that families can be built. And then I came here.

And you all showed me what private adoption really was. It was capitalist patriarchy in its purest form corrupting everything it meant to be a mother. It was a man forcing a woman to have a child and then telling her she's an unfit parent. It was that same man coming to me and weaponizing my grief against me, telling me that my child that died before she was ever conceived could be replaced. Then it trading a baby like a ton of steel or bushel of corn. It's system built off profiting from the misery of everyone involved and I refuse to be a part of it.

The truth is my daughter is dead. She was killed by this world and this body before she even got a chance. She will never be replaced. I don't want to replace her. I named her last night, Clara, and I wept till 2 in the morning for her. Because she deserved that. Because, even if she only ever lived within my heart, I love her. And we don't replace people we love and we don't inflict pain on others trying to.

I got up this morning and I did something that scared me. I looked at the kids in the foster system my state and it shattered my heart. They're all teens. These kids are sitting there because selfish adults are more interested in playing house and fulfilling a fantasy than actually raising children. Those kids deserve safety, stability, and love. But they're all sitting there because they're not a 'blank' slate to be rewritten. So no, nothing can replace those tiny hands against my blouse as I nap, but those kids need an adult to show up in their life. And if a kid comes through that can't ever return to their parents? I'll be the mother they as long as they need me.

So thank you, I'm going to get my shit together and foster.

We currently have a child in custody as a foster child whom we've had for over 6 months—more than half her life. She has 4 other siblings who are not in their bio mom's custody. Bio mom relinquished rights of the oldest to kinship, 2 to foster care as PMC, and the youngest 2 are with us in foster care. We recently received the second-youngest child.

We were told they will soon pursue PMC for the child we've had for over 6 months. We want to adopt both children in our care but are hesitant because neither mom nor the court has relinquished rights. Our goal is adoption since mom is mentally unstable to care for the children.

Do we have a chance to adopt if the courts and caseworkers are only considering PMC? We're afraid to pay a lawyer since mom is in a state of mental illness—we want her in the kids' lives, but we also want the kids to have a choice. Do we have a fair shot at adoption, or should we just accept the PMC option they're planning to pursue soon?

I’m 26 years old and was adopted at birth. Growing up, my adoption was always very “hush-hush.” After years of hoping, I finally found my biological mom only to learn today that she wants nothing to do with me, despite saying she thinks about me daily. While I can respect her feelings and ultimately understand I am not entitled to a relationship or even answers, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. What’s even harder is that she doesn’t want me reaching out to other family members, including my 24-year-old half-sister.

Do I honor her wishes and stay away, or should I reach out to see if anyone else is open to a relationship?

I was adopted when I was a year old. I've been trying to find info about my ... about my sperms donor and lady who birthed me; for 10 years, Mainly for medical reasons, but have had no luck.

I have a closed adoption case and here is the only info I know - the town I was born in and supposedly the town where they were from, there first names, that the birth lady had addictions with drugs and alcohol, and my first name b4 my parents adopted me. It's a touchy subject anytime I've brought it up with my parents in the past (2 or 3x) that being said I can't get the info I need out of them, unfortunately. So I haven't been able to find anything without a first and last name. So what am I supposed to do if I can't get that?!? Someone pls help!!!

~lost w/no hope 😕

Anyone adopted a child from Ecuador? We are matched with a child and about 2 months out from traveling. I had some questions about your experience!

I have been struggling to decide if I should share some of my thoughts and feelings with my biological family (primarily my bio mom. Possibly my aunt). Over time, different people have asked how I’m doing, feeling about things, and I haven’t had a good answer besides “good.” I’ve had to process my thoughts and experiences before really understanding myself how I feel. Now that I have more of a grasp, I’ve put my thoughts down on paper. The family has been welcoming some precious babies, and grief hit me, very unexpectedly. I don’t know if these things should be shared or not. And if they should be shared in a conversation vs reading aloud vs broken up somehow. What is the consensus?

When we initially connected, I didn’t know what to expect from you or any of my bio family. I have been incredibly blessed to be welcomed by and begin to get to know all of you. That initial time was a blur for me. Meeting everyone, beginning to build relationships with different people and feeling that joy. And for the first time (besides my kids), being around people who were genetically related to me and who I resembled.

I strongly feel that God planned and orchestrated this adoption story, and I see this reunion as further evidence of that. That belief has brought me comfort, but I have also allowed it, in a way, to stunt how I’ve processed my adoption. I have used that belief as an excuse to not face the hard emotions that come hand in hand with this story. Emotions like grief and loss and rejection - it’s easier to stamp them down than to feel them. I have feared that acknowledging those emotions - acknowledging that my adoption hasn’t all been easy - would somehow mean that I was questioning God’s plan for my life.

I say all this, because those feelings unexpectedly popped up recently. Seeing the joy over all these new babies joining the family produced a huge wave of sadness that caught me off guard - in a family so full of love and joy, why not have joy over me as a baby? Why did no one step up to help?

When I first held (my kids), I looked at them and knew that I could never let either of them go. When I looked at my tiny nieces and nephews, I knew that I would do what it took to care for them if that’s what was needed of me.

I understand that the best decision was made for me with the resources and information available. I don’t question that or hold any anger or resentment towards anyone. I have also realized that it’s ok to acknowledge and be transparent about the hard.

I am happy to be where I am. I love my adoptive family and am thankful that they are in my life. I am so blessed by (hubby & kids), and I assume that they wouldn’t be in my life had my story been any different. I also grieve the time lost and what these relationships could have already been had they begun 30 years ago. I’m thankful for what is while also grieving what could have been.

I (34F) have been mentoring a young woman (17F) since she was 10 years old. Over the years, she has moved through the foster care system and was eventually adopted into a problematic home, and CPS has been involved at times.

She is about to turn 18, and my partner and I would love for her to move in with us to provide a stable and supportive home as she transitions into adulthood.

She often mentions that she wants us to adopt her, even doodling her name with our last name as hers.

For context, early on, my partner and I were given the opportunity to adopt her. However, at the time, my partner was battling a life-threatening illness, and we didn’t want to introduce further instability into her life. Instead, we committed to being a consistent, supportive presence. My partner has since fully recovered from their illness.

1.) What resources are available to help navigate this transition? She has a history of trauma, and we want to offer her a safe place to land. We also recognize the importance of maintaining structure(?)—especially since she is still a teenager. My partner and I do not have children, so this is new territory for us.

My therapist recommended making a contract to set guidelines for our household. I understand the sentiment, however, her current adoptive parent uses contracts as a way to manipulate her. I believe my mentee would find it triggering.

2.) Has anyone here taken in a young adult in a similar situation? This all feels very foreign, and we don’t know anyone personally who has done this before.

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!

I’m a birth father who discovered the existence of my firstborn child when he was an adult via a DNA ancestry website.   Since learning of him, I’ve invested time to educate myself on US adoption and some of his specific circumstances. 

While researching the adoption agency that placed my child (United States), I came across a civil lawsuit filed against that agency by a young professional married couple who was looking to adopt. The couple was unable to give birth to a child of their own so pursued adoption through this same licensed agency and eventually got matched with a "birthmom". After spending a significant amount of money, the PAPs later discovered the "birthmom" was never pregnant and eventually filed suit against the agency.

Get this... As unethical as this is, the agency did not actually violate any state licensing or adoption-related laws by failing to verify if the birthmom was pregnant and is still operating (and collecting revenue) to this day!

References to the lawsuit list the specific adoption facilitator, so I won't put it here (Rule 10). However, I learned this is far from a one-off situation, so I'll put a link to a US FBI website bulletin: FBI Warns the Public About Domestic Adoption Fraud Schemes — FBI

Here's their active webpage: Adoption Fraud — FBI

To me, it was initially mind blowing that domestic adoption fraud in the US is common enough that the FBI would issue bulletins and brochures for distribution, and that the situation above is just one of several commonly used adoption fraud schemes.

Some opinions to weigh in on:

1. Regardless of where you fall in the constellation, if you have been impacted by adoption fraud, please consider the FBI tip line. Even if the fraud happened many years ago it's important that you report it.  You can even do so anonymously.  If anyone knows of better places to report, I’m all ears, please share.

2. For those looking to adopt (PAPs), does it surprise you to hear you are not protected from this type of fraud in every US state?

3. To any adult adoptees who read this.  If your adoption was done in fraud, you are impacted the most.  I'm most interested in anything you want to share: thoughts / opinions / advice / tips.

Here's advice from the FBI website:

"Fraudulent adoption service providers create a sense of urgency to produce fear and to lure birth parents and/or prospective adoptive parents into immediate action. Resist the pressure to act quickly." 

Hi I’m a 19 year old who’s 10 weeks pregnant. Father’s not involved and doesn’t know about the baby. I tried having an abortion yesterday, and I fell in the very rare 1% who had a failed abortion. I saw the baby on ultrasound kick, and when I saw that I couldn’t bring myself to keep going. By myself I will never be able to give the baby a good life. I’m broke, bad at school, gotten fired twice, etc. I’m still debating on whether or not having an abortion will be the best for me and the baby, but I would like to know some stories about adoption? I really want to give the baby a life, because it’s my fault we’re here. But I don’t want the baby to ever grow up thinking I didn’t love them and want to be there for them. I really want to, I just can’t do it. I’m not made to be a parent. Could you give me some advice? Is it hard to grow up adopted? Is it hard to give your baby away?

Currently me and my wife (both 30) are fostering a 5 yo boy (with intent to adopt). We never expected to to foster this soon in life, but due to my wife's career we were fortunate to have to have met him and have him be our son. We have 3 biological children. Recently my son's friend's grandma has expressed difficulty with taking care of him. She asked my wife "if we knew any young couples looking to adopt". I'd love to have him, but our time is already stretched so thin. I just want some insight on if anyone has gone through something similar and maybe a bit of guidance.

I’m currently in a situation and would really appreciate hearing from open-minded people, especially those who have chosen adoption, as I would value their input. Please, no judgment!

I’m 19 (female), and my partner is 20 (male). I’m a result of failed birth control. I got pregnant and couldn’t go through with an abortion as it was a two-day procedure, and it just didn’t feel right to me. My mother forced me to consider it, and while I knew it was necessary, it felt traumatic and wrong. I went through the pregnancy, which was tough and came with its own challenges, including trauma related to my boyfriend, his family, and the whole experience.

However, deep down, I always knew adoption was an option, and it felt like the right choice for me, given my situation. I’m currently studying at a four-year university, and my education is paid for, but now that I have a newborn, things are becoming incredibly difficult. It doesn’t feel realistic anymore. My mother is a single parent as well, and while she’s offered to help, I don’t want to burden her further. I also feel like she resents me for putting myself in this position, and I even resent myself for it. I’ve always wanted more in life—wanted kids, but only when I was ready, with a solid career and everything set up to provide for them. Right now, I feel like I have nothing to offer her.

I don’t have a job, a car, or much help. I’m exhausted and tired, and I barely have time to study. It feels like I have to choose between my education or her, but I can’t fathom choosing anything over her because I worked so hard to get into school, and I love studying. That said, I’ve lost my spark. I used to be vibrant, I played the guitar, studied, and took care of myself—but now I can hardly do any of that. On top of everything, I have epilepsy, and with all the sleep deprivation, I’m scared I might have a seizure.

I want to keep her, but at the same time, I feel like I can’t. I feel resentment starting to build up, and I feel forced to raise her. I’ve spoken to the father, and he told me he would resent me if I gave her up for adoption. He also said he’d be willing to take her in, but only if I could pay child support. The thing is, even while in college, I worked part-time on weekends, but I didn’t make much. I made enough to get by, but not much more.

I’m afraid of giving her to him, though. His family talks badly about me, and I’m terrified that one day she’ll hate me or resent me for giving her up. But at the same time, I feel like it’s not my time to be a mother. I don’t feel bonded to her, and I hardly have time for myself, let alone her. I barely study, I hardly shower, and I barely eat. I’m exhausted, and I just want it all to end so things can go back to how they were. I miss my lifestyle and the time I spent on campus (now, I’m doing online classes). I feel like no one really understands what I’m going through.

I fear that others might see me as a “deadbeat parent,” and I don’t want to come across that way. But I also feel like I need time to collect myself, to figure out who I am again. I feel like so much is at stake—my future, my happiness, and my child’s happiness. I want her to have a life I never had growing up, but right now, I don’t know how to give her that life.

So I'm adopted out of Moscow, Russia by white as snow parents and my own skin tone is olive. My parents always said "I just tan easily" when in reality in my genetic makeup of being Romani (my ancestry line with West Asia and central Asian).

I discovered I was Romani via DNA testing and super in depth ancestry research and studying over the past 5-10 years or so.

As an adopted person with zero concrete knowledge of my parenta or rest of my genetic bloodline, when people ask me "what are you ancestry wise" I've always said "I know im Romani, and DNA tests say most of my ancestors came everywhere from India to Palestine to Armenia to Russia, everywhere along that southwest Asian trail".

Looking more at it I feel like answering "Romani, Slavic, desi with a star" the star because of my adopted circumstances, knowing Romani emigrated out of India and looking at the physical global path my Romani ancestors traveled, I feel (at least spiritually) the strongest connection to my desi and Slavic heritage.

My spouse (32M) and I (32F) have been interested in adopting children for some time now, but don’t personally know anyone that has adopted kids. We are interested in adopting siblings around the toddler age (1-5). Adoptive parents, what was your experience like? What was amazing and what did you struggle most with? We are concerned about the trauma that comes with adoption/past experiences and want to make sure we can provide everything the kids need to succeed. Thanks!!

hey y’all it’s rumored that US passports are being denied because of “transgender” issues like gender marker changes which doesn’t apply to me but the name on my birth certificate is different than my current name which has nothing to do with being transgender (since i’m not). will there be a chance of my passport being denied because of a a name change? or is it too hard to say

So we want a child or children. But I worry about how our age could effect them. If we were to receive an infant we would be in our 60s before they even graduated high school. I am not opposed to having older children. I read mixed stories of how adoption is more traumatic for an older child. But don't those kids need homes, too? Does our age matter? Does the child's age matter? I've always wanted a child, but is it too late? Idk, I guess it would nice to talk to others out there and hear what they have to say. Anyone who was adopted by older parents? What was it like for you?

What was your experience like with your immediate and extended families?

Is our experience different from adoptees who share the same race and nationality as their adopters?

If your experience was negative, have you ever received insight into the reasons why your a-parents, family, and extended families hated you?

I have always wanted to adopt a child, specifically from India. From my research, it's saying I could pay anywhere between nothing to $50,000. Has anyone here gone through that process? If so, what did it look like for you? Did you have to pay an arm and leg?

I always thought I would have a family but I got a late start and now it's too late for me. My husband and I started following this sub a couple years ago and honestly, it's scared the shit out of us.

There are so many angry people on this sub and I don't understand why. Why are you mad at your adoptive parents for adopting you? I'm seriously asking.

It comes off like no one should adopt, and I seriously don't understand why. There will always be kids to adopt, so why shouldn't they go to people who want them, and want a family?

Please help me understand and don't be angry with me, I'm trying to learn.

ETA- my brother is adopted!

My father is adopted. I have the name he was given at birth (from birth mom), where he was born, his name (from my grandma), as well as the date of the adoption being finalized. According to my mom, because his adoption took place in 1964-1965 they could have transported the birth mother here from another state as well as allowed her to choose any random name- something grabbed from a newspaper.

I recently did Ancestry DNA and am still awaiting results. I already worry I'll feel a crushing sense of disappointment if nothing comes up, and it will be multiplied by the fact that my dad knows I did it and has asked for info 😔

He doesn't want a relationship with bio family, I'm not sure if or what I may want, but we definitely want medical information.

I am in NY state and am curious what else I can do or where else I can look. Would I (as neither the adoptee, adopter, or bio fam) have a right to request this information?

I’m just so scared about all of this happening. Should I carry my passport and ssn card? 😭

I truly don’t mean these questions to be insensitive or offensive, I’m really just trying to make sense of the ethical questions that surround adoption, especially adoption vs abortion or having biological children. I personally understand that adoption is commonly experienced as a trauma by adoptees and their birth parents, that the industry surrounding it amounts to human trafficking and can even be genocidal, and that historic (and current) narratives around adoption decenter adoptees and birth parents’ experiences, are rife with classist savior complexes, white washing/supremacy, etc. however, I’m running into what appear to be some paradoxes I’m hoping to get folks’ perspectives on or gather some more resources to check out. So, here goes:

1. When, in your view, is abortion preferable to adoption? Or is it at all?

2. If parenting is not a right, what do you make of biological parenting? Is it that parenting is not a right, or parenting someone else’s child is not a right? If parenting itself is not a right, how do you reconcile this with a history of eugenic laws that have denied parenthood to disabled folks, people experiencing poverty and BIPOC folks? According to what criteria should someone be found unfit to parent?

3. If biological parenting is a right, how do we reconcile with the fact that LGBTQ+ folks and infertile folks are excluded from it with no systemic support? Does this intersect with disability justice in any way?

4. Is it more acceptable to selfishly have a biological child because you “want a kid?” Is there a point at which the difference between wanting a child and wanting to parent is clear enough to say that one is selfish and the other is unselfish? (Barring really obviously selfish concerns like “second best to my own bio kid,” “‘saving’ a child,” “so someone loves me in my old age,” or “leaving a legacy.”). Or is the desire to nurture inherently selfish to some degree?

5. If adoption is not a family building option, what is it, exactly? It should center an adoptee’s needs, to be sure, but aside from the specific circumstances and considerations an adopted child requires their adoptive parents to commit to, what is different? Should not all children, biological or otherwise, have their needs centered, as well? If it’s for children who need families, why is it not a type of family building? If it’s NOT for adults who want children, which adults is it for?

If you got to the end of this, thanks for putting up with the insane hairsplitting paradox creation. These questions are drawn from a conglomeration of one liners from commonly accessible adoptee advocate sources, and while I’ve looked into many of the deeper arguments around them, those arguments usually only address one or two dimensions. I personally don’t really see easy answers to any of these questions, and I don’t even know if they’re the right questions to ask. It seems like our understanding of family and parenting as a whole might be problematic, but I also don’t really want to privilege what-aboutisms and false equivalencies (which I’m not sure I’m not doing! 😬). Welcoming all perspectives.