I posted here not too long ago asking advice on finding information on my bio mum (where I received great advice and have since contacted my Local Authority and on the waiting list for my adoption records). I was wondering - I've also sent off the Barnardo's Making Connections form on 24th October, has anyone else done this before? If so, how long did they take to get back to you? Were they able to provide the information you were looking for?

Another q - I was told (from my adopted mum) that my bio mum will write me a letter when I turned 18 but I never received one (I'm now early 30s). Is it possible that if this letter exists, Barnardo's would have it? My adopted family and I moved from the house I was adopted into and my adopted mum said she never updated Barnardo's with the new address. Not sure if that had any impact on the missing letter (unless she was lying).

Hello guys, looking for some info regarding adopting a child. My child is now 6 years old, we only managed to get his name changed a while back, had to wait around 2 years due to COVID which I think was ridiculous. Problem I am having is I don't live with the child's mother anymore which seems to be a requirement. Is there any way around this at all? My child's mother wants me to adopt him even though we are apart at the moment. I fear I will never get to adopt him now. I don't see why this matters, I understand the agency wants to know the child is safe or whatever but a mother wouldn't just sign her child off to any old person surely. Does the adoption process go through courts? I have also read that you can't adopt with a criminal record? Is this serious offences? Not petty crimes etc. My boy will surely need his birth certificate at some point in the future, not any time soon but getting his provisional license or passport etc then to see your mother's name then a blank page for your father, I can't imagine it being very nice. Could anyone help me through the process please and if there is any ways around it loopholes etc? We are both entirely happy to have me as his father, it would be one of the happiest days of my life. One of the best days of my life was today actually, took him to his first football match at his favourite team, I didn't realise how special a moment that could be and it has brought out a whole lot of emotions in me today. A day I will never forget plus 3 points in the bag for a win, special day all around. Thanks guys

Hi all, I was wondering if anyone can extend some advice or resources for my mother. My mum was adopted at 6 weeks old back in the 60s, and her adoptive family were absolutely wonderful. We have recently been contacted by some members of her birth family on her fathers side through genetic testing (23andme/ancestry/etc.) And while my mum is happy to have contact with them, she is spinning out a bit. She has always been kind of secretive about her adoption and she is very rejection sensitive. She has recently admitted that she probably needs to talk to a professional about this so I did a bit of searching but all of the adoption support I can see online is for children, or adoptive parents, so I'm feeling a bit stuck.

If anyone has any resources/books/therapist recommendations they can share that would be great! Thanks all :)

Hi there, I’ve just started the adoption process and have hit a bit of a hurdle and wondered if anyone has faced the same and could give some advice. My husbands parents live with us - they’re late 60s/early 70s, retired, don’t have any friends (just family) and we’ve been told we need to provide 3 separate references for each of them. Being south Asian, the only people they know are family and we know that they can’t all provide references.

I understand the need for DBS checks, but the character references seem a bit too extensive. Has anyone else faced this?

ETA: title isn't completely clear, no idea what happened there. I meant to say: Question/advice on finding info about birth mum/dad

Hi not sure if this is the right place to post, but not sure where else to ask. I'm 31F and was adopted at the age of 5 months from Oxfordshire to Wales. My adoption was through Barnardo's and I was always aware of my adoption. I even have a photo album of the first 5 months of my life that my 2 foster families contributed letters and photos of me to - including photos of me and my birth mum. I still have it in its original parcel paper dated 1994 and I think this was a Barnardo's project - New Family Project (is what it says on the address).

So recently, a family member (from my adopted family) gifted me an Ancestry kit. My results aren't all too surprising, but what I did find were a couple people related to me (albeit a 2nd cousin once removed and mostly 4th cousins). I was (apparently) conceived through a one night stand and the father has no idea of my existence. Some of my Ancestry matches state whether they're from Parent 1 or Parent 2's side, but due to the circumstances I've no idea who is who (though I've an inkling).

I guess my question is this - there's someone I'm a 4th cousin to and his profile states he's willing to help. Other than the fact he's in New Zealand, I'm really stuck on whether to message him and ask some questions - whether he's related to my bio mum or bio dad. There's also the 2nd cousin once removed - I worked out that he would be 2nd cousins to my bio mum or bio dad which I think is a pretty close match (and considering our ethnicities, we're very community-based where even 3rd cousins can be close). I don't think I'm ready to actually go and find my bio parents, more I'm curious about them. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on whether to message these people or not. I don't want to message them for word to get around that the adopted baby is back asking questions. I'm not ready to "meet" anyone. I just want information. I guess I'm just feeling really stuck atm.

I've just done some very unhelpful social media stalking of birth dad and noticed he has my daughter as his cover photo and this made me do a bit of a WTF!

For context, he has met my daughter once in his life (partly due to being in prison and then a lack of interest) and denied she was his to the point a dna test was done. They are very clearly biological father and daughter.

I know you shouldn't go looking for these things but I'd seen in the local media that he is back in prison and it has brought him back into my thoughts.

Thoughts? I acknowledge this was a daft thing to do and he has a right to that picture as much as I do.

Hi all,

Just wondering about what they look for in the medical exam.

If I am honest I smoked cannabis daily for many years in my 20s I have stopped now but I have heard it can stay in your blood and hair for many years.

Is this something they test for ?

My daughter (7) saw her best friend at school yesterday for the last time and it's destroying her little heart, the little girl and her sister were adopted and moved away from the village we currently live.

I'm wondering if there's a possibility and if so, who do we contact so we can pass my wife's number on and let the new adopted parent decide if they want her to keep in contact.

Both girls have talked about keeping in touch though shes now gone and we've been unable to sort anything.

I'm just wondering because i've seen some people on here say you can't adopt a child over 7 years old and I've never seen children over 7 waiting to be adopted on any adoption agency. The sibling groups I've seen be adopted are all very young sibling groups (mostly age 5 and under) but if you are going to adopt a child and the child has an older sibling, say a 2 year old has a 9 year old sibling, would they allow you to adopt the 9 year old or are they separated? I really wouldn't want to separate siblings, siblings have a special bond like no other and I wouldn't want to deny a child the chance to grow up with their sibling. So, is it possible or do they not allow siblings to be adopted together if the oldest one is over 7?

I'm one of those people that when I would watch 24 hours in A&E or something similar and someone was basically in labour and didn't know they were pregnant, I would criticise and say 'how could you not know?'. Eating my words, because as of two weeks ago I joined that little demographic. It's not been easy. At first, when I took a test to assuage some anxieties after noticing some odd symptoms I thought it would be a few weeks, possibly a month max, and therefore was my and my current partner's issue, we'd only been dating four months and had been virtually exclusive that entire time. I've been on the pill for years and no issues but changed pills part way through that period and took one day off so we thought we were just unlucky. After a scan at a BPAS clinic it turned out I was around 30 weeks which is 6 weeks past the cut off for abortion. I don't really feel ready to do the mum thing, I'm 26, planning to do my PhD, writing my second collection of poetry, it just isn't part of my life plan right now? Maybe in five years but I just can't see it for myself yet. I don't have the mum feelings, I don't have any real emotional connection to her really at all. I'm seriously considering adoption as I know there is a couple out there who can't have a baby for whatever reason who would be delighted at the prospect of being parents however, I feel like going down that route is akin to giving up. I've failed at being the maternal woman before I've ever started. To be truthful it makes me feel like a bad person and a bad mother. I just think I need someone to give me more info for what it's like on the other side of this? Adoptive parents waiting for a baby? I also need someone to tell me that choosing adoption is a good thing and she'll be ok. (It's a girl).

I'm really interested in becoming an adoptive parent. I'm a 36 year old single woman.

I love kids but have never been in a relationship where it felt like the right time or circumstances to have a child. Then over the past couple of years I've been very ill. I'm completely better now but the treatment I had means I can never have a biological child.

I've decided to give myself until the end of next year before doing anything about adoption. Then, I'll be 18 months since a major operation. I'm planning on spending the intervening time making myself as good a prospect as a parent as I can.

So I'm focusing on both my physical and mental health by exercising a lot and trying to lose a bit of weight, as well as doing plenty of therapy (I have a history of depression that's very well-controlled by medication but I think it's always helpful to try to understand yourself and build resilience). And I'm going to do some minor home improvements like replacing my ancient boiler, as well as a bit of rearranging in order to free up my spare room.

Do you have any advice regarding other ways I can use this time to prepare to apply for adoption?

I

Good afternoon I am married to a Russian woman and earlier this year I legally adopted her son in Russia to whom I have been a father figure for over 6 years. I am now trying to get his adoption recognised in the Uk. I have spoken to a few lawyers and have been quoted several thousands of pounds for their services. Can anyone advise on how to proceed with this on a budget? Thanks

Hi there, so my question for this subreddit is, how did you choose what child to adopt? How does it work? I’m not ready yet in my life to adopt, but I know that day will come. I worry a lot about the process of it all when I think about it. I mean how does choosing a child work? I imagine it’s base off what you are like as a parent and person, lifestyle etc. but what are the actual age ranges? You hear about kids being adopted at ages of 3 years old. But what about the kids that are 10 that have no parents?

I know I’m asking a lot. I just don’t know where to start on all this

Hello, I wonder if anyone could offer me any advice please!

I’m looking to adopt in 1 or 2 years with my partner, I’ve been on a very low dose of antidepressants for 5 years with a 6 month break where anxiety returned so I went back on

I had tried to wean off them completely again recently but I had bad withdrawal symptoms (mental not physical and for longer than would be expected) so my doctor advised me to go back on the low dose. When I went back on the dose I felt instantly better and I’m absolutely fine now once again.

I think part of my driver to want to come off is a worry about being able to adopt, but that does seem a bad reason to come off medication that is working well? And because it’s working so well the GP raised the option of being on the low dose for very long term/life.

I was wondering whether I should contact my local authority agency via phone/ email to ask their policy on antidepressants? (we’re not ready for full information evening).

Also, I could let my GP know that I am looking to adopt in the future and see what they say re antidepressant use as I know they write a report from my medical records.

Thanks for any help anyone is able to offer :)

Hi everyone

I’m looking for some advice. I am a single mother and have a 14 year old and a 11 year old both my the same father .

I have a diagnosis of ADHD and CPTSD. Unfortunately the CPTSD came from my childhood. Rape. Violence. Etc.

3 years ago I had a psychotic break however it wasn’t diagnosed as this at the time. I used alcohol to try to make it go away and ended up trying to take my own life.

Social services were then involved and as they do they called me an alcoholic so because I adore my children I paid for a 12 week programme in rehab. After that I found out several diagnosis including that I wasn’t an alcoholic I had a psychotic break. I have also been in relationships where I was beaten to a pulp. However I have no, as in zero interest in men EVER again.

Anyway, I’m certain I stand no chance at all but I thought if I don’t ask I won’t know. I would really want to adopt a child with additional needs. Or an older child. Just because I have read they are least likely to be adopted over babies and I know what it’s like to not have a loving home.

I have a house that is big enough etc. But if anyone knows don’t go around the houses be completely honest with me. And please don’t judge I know everything I did was so so awful.

Thanks so much

Hi all,
At the age of 54, I have decided to register to attempt to find my natural mother.
On the letter from Essex council they give my name, but they only list mothers first name, and fathers first name. It states they were not married.

This leaves me guessing which parents surname was entered on the adoption letter,
Any guidance appreciated.
Thanks
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This book gets mentioned on a lot of reading lists so I picked it up. I'm probably about a 5th through and have read 4 other books and listened to countless podcasts on adoption, therapeutic Parenting, trauma etc.. but I'm starting to struggle with continuing reading The Primal Wound. It just seems incredibly negative, portrays adoptees as broken, that adoption is negative and toxic but care is worse (and biological parents are out of the question). All her sources are outdated now and I'm just beginning to question her point of authority and validity in this day and age? I understand it being useful to some of those who have been adopted but I don't feel like I'm gaining anything. Has anyone had a similar experience, should I continue with it or move on to a different book? I'm comfortable learning about negative and worst case scenarios but it should atleast be parried with coping methods, interesting outlooks or unique perspectives.

Hi! I'm working for Barnardo's as a UX designer on a project to improve adoption and fostering information online. As part of this, we're testing the website, and I'd like to ask if you have 2 minutes to complete a quick test. There are no wrong or right answers—we're interested in your opinion.

https://app.lyssna.com/do/2300b1432589/b401

Thank you so much!

I had a complex childhood where I didn’t really live anywhere long enough to gain lifelong childhood friends.

This has followed me a little into my adulthood where I have a small handful (like literally, 4) friends. My family are a bit dysfunctional, so sadly I don’t have much of a relationship with uncles/aunts/cousins. All of my grandparents aren’t with us either.

My husband, however, has a wonderful, functioning family. He’s only got one sibling, but he’s got lots of cousins, lovely grandparents and uncles/aunts if he needed anything.

Anyway, my question is, would my unstable/“unsociable” self affect us adopting? I’m looking into adoption, as I’ve always wanted to adopt and I’m nearing an age where we’re thinking about having children (unsure about biological or nonbiological) and feel we’ll be able to provide a stable and loving home to a child.

Thank you (sorry for the long question).

Good friends are due to pass into stage 3 of their adoption journey soon. After which they will be signed off to be parents (although won't happen overnight). For those who have become adoptive parents, would you recommend celebrating this day in any way? If so, any ideas? Bunch of flowers? Card? Just a text? Nothing? Any guidance welcome.

If you get asked to babysit for a few hours, but the parents disappear (the police can't find them) and the child has no other living relatives, and you want to adopt the child, how long is the adoption process for that.

(Fictional situation- I am just wondering, apologies if this isn't the right place to ask)

My husband and I recently had our first call with an agency, and one of the mentions was about having to talk about your own childhood. I have quite a lot of childhood trauma and am wondering if I will need to go into all the details, police reports, etc. this won’t stop me from wanting to move ahead, but I just want to prepare mentally for how difficult that might be.

I’m in the very early stages of thinking about adoption and have heard at application stage it is common to require references from all previous partners.

My ex-husband was emotionally abusive, and since the separation I have cut contact entirely. I also have a therapist who I have been working with for a few years who I’d be happy to give permission to explain why contacting him again would be a bigger deal than the general discomfort of exes. Because it was emotional abuse it wasn’t recognised until after I left the marriage so there are no police records or similar.

I have a wider network of friends and a long term previous partner who can provide references (including people who knew me during the marriage).

Is this the sort of thing that could be a sticking point? And thoughts or experiences greatly received.

A family member of mine has adopted/taken guardianship of their bio-grandchild and non-bio grandchild. They are both very traumatised and hard work and have recently received asbos. Basically as soon as they adopted, they stopped receiving any support from gov. or social services but they are clearly struggling. Is there any support available to them? They are in the South West of the UK. Any tips or recommendations appreciated. I'm not close with this family member so don't have too many more details.

Hi all, on a throwaway account and from England.

I'm a mid 30s male with a 54f partner and we have been together for about 10 years now? Bit of a weird age gap I know lol but I just enjoyed dating older because of the maturity factor, plus I didn't want kids in my 20s.

I am now wanting to have 2 kids and my partner is fully on board with the idea. We are currently saving up for a house deposit and that'll be done by around June next year so this is an initial query about it.

The thing is, I just have a few niggly questions that I have spoken to my partner about but haven't really been fully answered. I know I'll need to sit down with other people who have adopted and the agencies etc but I just feel it's a bit too early to do that? I ideally want the house move sorted first.

I just had a few initial queries;

1. What age groups do you typically get? I could, with guidance, adopt a child that is a bit older but I presume there's more chance of behavioural issues because of early life trauma? Is it different/possible to adopt younger? I'm very open but just curious what it might be like.

2. Is it a good idea to adopt with my partner being so much older? I'm not worried about money because I have a very stable well-paying job (civil service) and I'd be hopeful I get a good career there. It's more the fact that, and its never a guaranteed to pan out this way I suppose, I might end up a single father supporting two adopted children? Is that just gonna be 5x harder than raising biological kids? lol. The only issue is that I'm going to have to burn a perfectly good/healthy relationship with my partner which is a bit upsetting.

3. Any other thoughts? Perhaps resources I can have a quick look at, or any forums (ideally male-orientated) for people who have adopted?

Many thanks for your thoughts!

I have never been one for relationships so then only way I can ever start a family is by adopting, so I've been giving it serious thought for a while.

Can you pass a panel and interview if you're autistic and want to adopt?

I've been a teacher for 8 years and have a successful career, am soon to be homeowner (freehold) and have a really good local support network (friends and a supportive family live nearby).

However, I am autistic and I do have low support needs. Despite this, I do think that I am more than capable. I'm actually really excellent at supporting children and while I am fully aware that becoming a parent would be challenging, I would not take it lightly and meticulously prepare and train and educate myself.

I've already started this process a little bit but it's hard to dive in fully with the underlying worry if my efforts might be futile.

Can I ask how long other adopters waited before slowly introducing family members?

Our son (4) has only been here for 3 weeks and I feel he's going stir crazy.

Dad went back to work after 1st week at home so it's just me and him during the day. He came from a busy foster family with two other older children and who had a lot of family friends visiting a lot.