I hope this doesn't ignite a shit storm from any conservative evangelical Christian birthparents out there, or Trump supporters. I hope you can hear what I'm saying.

More than 20 years ago, at age 21, I placed my newborn with adoptive parents who are simultaneously "nice people" AND hard-core Christians -- they go on missionary trips, he's a pastor, and they're conservative single-issue voters on abortion, of Sarah Palin fame. I knew my child would have a better life with them as far as stability and provision. What I didn't know was that I'd come to not only separate myself from their religion, but also regret placing him with them altogether on religious lines.

I won't go into detail, but the Christian church's shaming of unwed mothers is only part of my beef. Another part of my beef is that I aligned myself with that shame for many years, until I left the religion 10+ years ago. I was too young at the time to ask questions I now know I should have asked: What if he's gay? What if he quits Christianity? etc

Trump really pushed this issue to the forefront for me. I was already mortified I'd potentially created another voter blindsighted by their religion. Now, I'm mortified that they didn't see past their dogma to see Trump's obvious deviance from what Christians (say they) believe about Jesus and unconditional love. I'm mortified they (edited: might have) voted for Trump, believing "God is in control" and will override any fallout. (They liked Sarah Palin, so this mortification is based in actual events.)

I want to discuss it someday because I want to be authentic, and undo any misinformation he's received from his religious upbringing. HOWEVER this is obviously shaky ground, because 1) I placed him in that upbringing, 2) I don't want to make my beef his issue, 3) he/they may see this as "just politics," and I don't want to ruin my relationship with him over it, although I see it as much more than politics in Trump's case, and 4) discussing it may very well open the can of worms that I quit Christianity. That's a huge part of the transparency piece for me, but also something I don't want to ruin our relationship over.

Anyone out there have a similar experience?

I’m trying so hard to let go of the anger since my therapist is right it doesn’t serve me, but man I’m angry at the social worker who called cps even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I’m angry at her parents for not being ethical and just wanting a baby so bad. And finally I’m angry at her for just existing.

If you’re going to comment, please be kind and lead with empathy.

Well I guess the first thing I should mention is that it's the holiday week of thanksgiving. I received photos on Halloween with a curt, cold "happy Halloween" and that was the last update I have received. I had my daughter in March and had regular updates and pictures for the first 7 months. I thought maybe they had been really busy this November so I gave them some space thinking they'd eventually the reach out again. Two days ago I left a little message checking in and hoping they have a good thanksgiving. Nothing. Today is my birthday right before Thanksgiving and all I could ask for is just a picture of my precious daughter. We love her more than anything and the decision to place tore our hearts out. We knew it was a gamble when it came to picking a family, but my ONLY condition to place was that it would be an open adoption, and now it seems that I've been shut out with NO reason. I wasn't on any drugs while pregnant and I went into the hospital expecting to take a baby home and things didn't work out. I don't want to give up, I want to reach out one more time to ask why I've been ghosted. All I want is to know my baby is okay. I don't need anything else.

This holiday season is already hard not having my baby or my father who i lost 3 years ago. Does anyone else have a similar experience of an open adoption closing on you for no aparent reason? I'm hurting....

I was adopted at birth and have recently reconnected with my birth family. They aren’t together anymore but there doesn’t seem to be any harsh feelings, or if there were they’ve faded out since then. I’ve texted with both of them fairly often in the last few months and while both have made a life for themselves they’ve also both made it clear that they would like to continue growing our relationship which I am both excited and nervous about. My birth mother is definitely more eager to see me again and has made sure I’m aware that there will always be a place for me with her (not in a pushy way. She’s been very gentle about everything and has insisted that I take the lead for most of this). Recently she mentioned that she had time off over the holidays, and was wondering if I would be open to meeting her now that we’ve been able to communicate for a while, and I agreed because I do believe that’s something I’m ready for. Does anyone have any advice? I really want to take a Christmas gift for her, but what do I get someone I barely know? If she’s anything like she’s been over the phone (and I know that these things don’t always end up how we think they will) then I really think we’ll have a fairly steady relationship going forward, even with the bumps that are sure to come up.

Just to make sure my bio dad doesn’t get any hate: He has remarried and has younger kids that he’s worried about explaining the situation to. Like still in the single digits young. Families come in all shapes and sizes and we both get that but we both want to make sure there’s no sour feelings from anyone going forward so we’re taking our time with it. My bio mom’s youngest is a teenager and grew up knowing about me so the situation is definitely less tedious for her.

I gave my son up for adoption in 2011. It's an open adoption but contact is only typical once/twice a year and in person every 3-ish years. I gift him something every single year for his birthday and Christmas but am struggling this year. I don't know his interests and I want to make it something special. What did everyone else gift their birth child?

I have a great relationship with my birth daughter, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I placed her in 2002.

That being said- I had an abortion in 2012 after I was raped.

It was by my 12 year old daughter’s dad. (At the time she was barely a year old). He was manipulating me to try and stay with him. I refused and had an abortion just after 7 weeks (he was on trial- ended up in prison anyways- I was super stressed and barely recognized I was pregnant because my periods were out of whack anyways from stress).

I have 0 regret from the abortion. It was like me knowing I had a choice, and I KNEW the pain, all too well, from adoption. Knowing my daughter now (I hadn’t met her yet- that happened in 2016) I’d make the same choice.

In fact, it would reinforce my choice. Adoption IS trauma, period. I’d rather not inflict that on ANY living creature. Abortion is my #1 pick-

Adoption, in my opinion, shouldn’t exist unless bio parents are DEAD. And even then- family preservation should be FIRST. Private adoption should be illegal. Sure- this is NOT ideal for everyone. My point is- if we really cared about people - PEOPLE- humans- society wouldn’t be the way it is and ideally family would be safe. I know this is not reality- human nature doesn’t allow this to happen all the time. People fuck up, become addicts, lose sight of what living is for etc…

You don’t get to choose what your baby looks like, how old they are, or what kind of issues they might have…why should wealthy people be able to purchase a baby? Makes no sense…

Other than feeding human greed.

Especially when there are 250,000+ kids in foster care in the US alone. Why are we still adopting internationally?! Wtf? There are homeless kids here that need help!!!

Abortion, in my opinion, should be openly available and free for ALL WOMEN EVERYWHERE.

So I live in a country where there are basically two options: (sorry for my English btw , it’s late at night and I’m (mentally) exhausted)

1: Foster family You get assigned/matched with a foster family , who will never be the ‘real parents’ on paper but are the caregivers of the child , but I stay the parent of my child and it’s expected that I play a role in her life.

2: Adoption I choose an adoptive family , based on my preferences , options are basically endless. But I won’t stay a parent and will never see my child again , but there are better options available and the child will go to people who really want a child.

So basically option 2 feels better for a child , healthier , but option 1 feels better for me , better for my mental health , but It feels so selfish.

I just want some advice/perspections from other birth parents , she was born a few days ago and I feel heartbroken, empty. But I still have 3 months to decide what option I will pick

I am 25 and had a closed adopted as a baby In French camp ,California(San Joaquin County). I am trying to find my biological parents I know the hospital I was born but on my birth certificate it shows my adoptive parents on the certificate. My adopted parents passed away and none of my adoptive family knows anything. I recently sent a letter requesting my non identifying information and called them and they said they received it and it could take up to the most 3 months to get that information back but usually doesn’t take that long. I also just ordered 23NMe kit and Ancestry kit to see if I match with any relatives. And last thing I did was called the courthouse and they told me forms I can print out to petition the court to unseal my birth certificate and I filled out all that paperwork and going to mail it off tommorow and I’m the petition I stated I wanted it for medical reasons and I also include a form from my doctor that I will be mailing along with it so I’m not sure how that will go. And once I get my 23nme and ancestry result I will be signup for a free search angel and will be signing up for adoption registry. Is there any other advice or steps I should take ? Or is this a good start. Thank you all for the advice.☺️

My biological mom gave me up at birth. She was 16. I didn’t know much about her and was raised by great parents.

I recently found her through ancestry. I made connection with some members of her family and got to know them. They encouraged me to send her a letter, so I did. I thanked her for what she did for me, told her about my life and family and sent some photos. I said I’d love to get to know her.

I found out from her extended family that she was very angry about my letter. She had some nasty things to say but to sum it up, she wants nothing to do with me.

I was told she’s having a lawyer contact me. I’ve sent her one letter, at her family’s direction, and made no other contact. Does anyone have any idea what I should be expecting? Why would a lawyer need to be involved in this?

Thanks for reading.

I have a daughter turning 3 next month & she has been in the very long, dreadful process of being adopted. There are so many reasons why I decided to have her adopted, and so far the people in my life have been supportive of my decision. Anyway, I got news recently that the adoption could be finalized within the next month or so, and it’s taken a huge toll on me. The family I chose for her has been so kind, always sending me pictures and arranging facetime meetings every now and then. Their home study was amazing, and I was able to spend my daughter’s 2nd birthday with them last year. I’m so unbelievably lucky to have found such a loving family for my daughter. With all that being said, I still feel so guilty for giving her up. I know I made the right choice with the right family, but that guilt is still there. It hurts so much. I don’t know, I guess I just needed to vent a little but even then, no matter how much I vent that pain will still be there.

I am hoping this is the right place and if is not, I would love to be pointed in the right direction.

I have recently reunited with my 2 daughters that are 24 and 21. They were both adopted at birth by different families. They found each other first about a year ago and have been slowly developing their relationship which is flourishing now.

The younger daughter reached out to me last July ( the older daughter had my information as she had reached out to my mother on 23& me when she was 18- she messaged my mom a couple of times but never with me).

Since reaching out the younger daughter and I have begun a relationship with myself and my wife and 9 and 7 y/o daughters. Everything is going very well but we are both starting to feel the emotions after the initial honeymoon phase.

We have talked a bit about out fears, hopes etc and seem to be aligned and both understand it is going to take work to create a real relationship. I have started therapy and she is looking to start as well. We both thought it would be easy and jumped in the deep end of the pool so to speak!

She was raised by just her adopted mom and a friend of her mom she calls her grandma- I believe she is wanting a true father daughter relationship.

I just want to see if anyone has any advice on how to navigate this difficult time of dealing with these emotions for both her and I and how to make sure I do not create an unhealthy relationship.

I would like similar advice on the other older daughter. The story with her is that about 2 months ago she finally reached out. She is much more guarded but we do text every day or 2 and have spoken on the phone a couple of times for extended amounts of time. She has mentioned being excited and happy about reuniting with me and my daughters (but not ready to engage with them yet).

She has also begun therapy and is open about her feelings and her life. I feel with her things will happen more slowly and I am unsure about what her wishes are for what she wants for our ultimate relationship will look like as she has an adopted mom and dad.

The bio mom has been contacted by both of them and they at this point have decided against pursuing a relationship with her or her other children.

First and foremost I want them to be happy and respect their emotions, families, lives etc.

I badly want them both in my life and would appreciate anyone that has any advice how to successfully navigate this situation.

Thank you to anyone that read all of this!!

My life has been centered around kids, especially after doctors told me I wasn't going to be able to have any of my own, everyone always told me how great of a mom I'd be, so I decided then that my purpose was to make a positive impact that will better a child's life, no matter how big or small. Until now.. About 2 years ago I got pregnant, scared of seeing another negative test, I ignored all the signs until I couldn't hide it anymore. 32 weeks in, I was homeless, unemployed, and didn't have much of a support system. I ended up placing the child for adoption with an amazing couple who suffered long and hard with infertility. They are so grateful and blessed by the child and love and honor me. But me on the other hand, feel lost. Not only because of the grief of not being able to hold her or her her giggles or care for her, but my identity is gone. I can't even go to the grocery store without breaking down because of seeing other women with their kids. My heart shatters. Something that used to be my everything is now my nothing. What do I do? (Yes, I'm working with a professional already)

Today is the anniversary of my sons adoption day. He was so young. I miss him dreadfully. His adoptive parents are supposed to write once a year and for the last two years they've failed to do so. I finally got a loletter a few weeks ago and it's all been too much. It hasn't gotten any easier. Today I will be kind to myself, about to do some yoga and then go for a long walk and get a vanilla chai. It's cold but sunny so that's nice. It's a rough day. No one in my life understands and there's no support where I am. We're a forgotten demographic. Thanks for letting me express myself

Concerned United Birthparents, CUB, is an national organization started in 1976 to support birthparents and their families. CUB is pro-family preservation, pro-reunion and pro-adoptee rights. I currently attend the CUB support group in Los Angeles and it's the best organization! https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/

CUB is announcing a new in person adoptee and birth family support group in Greensburg, PA, starting November 9, 2024 at 2pm ET. If interested, you can go to this Eventbrite link https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1047050214377?aff=oddtdtcreator This group is led by an adoptee and birth mom. The group will meet the second Saturday of each month. If you're within driving distance, you should check it out.

I heard about search angels, and I posted on Facebook group called Search Squad everything I know about my son. They messaged me, declining the post, they said they dont search for anyone under 21. I understand. But I want to know my baby is ok so badly. I have 2 children after him. I love them dearly. When my second was born, I freaked out, feeling like "I cant replace him with another baby". Hes 12 now, I dont regret it, I love him, but there was pain when he was a baby, they took my first when he was 2. Now, I had my 3rd son, now 8 months, and again it brought up my first. Its like, I love them, I appreciate who they are as i dividuals, but they do something cute he did, and I love it, laugh, smile, AND remember, and it is like this flood, my love for this child mixing with my love for him and my protectiveness mixing with the protection fail trauma of his loss, and the beauty of their moment mixing with the memories of his, each distinct, not mixed into one but, side by side, and its getting hit with this 6 shot cocktail, and I hokd my child and my heart breaks and pours out to him too, absorbing my love with this child while its like it reaches for him as well. It does not get easier.

I placed my girl at birth, or during pregnancy you could say. About 6 or 7 months in we met and talked often. They were at the hospital during labor, I had a c section. The hospital was very sweet and even gave them a room next to mine for my 4 Day stay... and gave me an extra day with my precious girl. I was so damn lucky.

Anyway I got a handful of visits, over the first almost 4 years of her life and I ended up moving across the country.

It was supposed to be an open adoption, to where she was never supposed to find put "abruptly" she was just always supposed ro know basically. Well that didn't happen. Communication was supposed to go both ways. Didn't happen ever. I always had ro reach out first. Sucks but I'm sure they have their reasons.

I wanted to come on here and say that, it could change if you're in a similar position so don't loose hope.

A few days ago, her mom texted me some pictures, without me asking. For the first time in almost 17 years.

I cried with ALL the emotions. She's so damn beautiful. So don't give up hope. You never know when they will surprise you! 💓

When I was 14 (36) years ago I got pregnant from a very abusive home. My parents kept me out of school, I had my baby boy then boom that was it. Me and my soul friend who was in the same abuse I was, left when they brought me home. Now to the point. Last week I received a letter talking about what his name was, where he lived and thought I was his birth mother. He said he wants to meet. My problem is I can’t get out of my head! Mainly because I don’t know what to do. I’m conflicted, scared and all of my trauma just came rushing to the front. Can anyone give your opinion/advice on my situation?

UPDATE: we have talked through text and sent pictures. I gave him medical information. And he told me things. He didn’t ask why. All he said was he hoped we can continue talking until we are ready to meet.

I think the process of adoption when that’s not what you wanted is so incredibly painful. The people I tell my story to, they never know what to say or they say I can’t imagine or I could never be as strong as you. Every time I think the wound has healed a bit, something in life comes up and it reopens. Today it was having to reach out to her parents because I was worried about the hurricane coming for them. This was the first time I reached to them in a few months after asking to not have any contact. It’s so painful it takes my breath away. I don’t know how I survived the months after I left the hospital without her, but I did, and I know I’ll survive this too. Something my therapist says is you’ve already survived your most painful moments up to today. I want so badly to be able to fully move on it’s almost been 4 years, but from time to time it’s so hard. In February I’m going to start to try to have my own baby, I’m so excited about that. I just wish this chapter of my life could really close but I know it will never really, there will always be things that reopen it.

I just want other people to know it’s ok if it still really hurts and it’s been years, it’s ok if you don’t feel like the other birth people who experienced adoption, just know you’re not alone.

I have received a request from a Reddit user who would like to bring adoption agency social workers to this subreddit to educate us on Adoption. I told the user that sort of participation is not inline with the spirit of this subreddit. As a peer led subreddit, we offer support to one another and insight through our experiences. Other interested parties may read the posts and comments as a means to witness actual real world experiences within adoption. I told the user that we appreciate the offer, but we are not interested.

Since then, we have experienced an uptick in posts and comments on this subreddit. Today I banned a user whose comment history revealed that they are not a user participating in good faith. I just want everyone to be aware that there are social workers on this subreddit with the motive of leading the conversation and presenting themselves as the authority on adoption. I will weed out those users when they are obvious.

Edited to update For anyone interested, our visit went well. Our biodaughter is doing well, and her mother will be okay eventually. She has just now publicly shared what has happened (with daughter's permission) and has the whole town supporting them both.

It truly makes me sad there are so many of you out there that feel it is doing a disservice to biodaughter to support her mom. We've never feared her mom would cut off contact with us and our concern for her mom during this time has strengthened that bond between all of us.

I'd share more, but it would fall on deaf ears.

Thank you for showing me the adoption community here is one of the most judgemental, unhelpful places I've ever asked advice from. It will not happen again.

I'm new to posting on Reddit, though I've been an avid lurker for years. I'm also new to posting about being a birthparent and adoption, so I don't know the lingo. I'm an older birthparent who placed a child for adoption AFTER completing my family, so accept an advance apology if I say something wrong. I don't mean to offend.

My husband (54m) and I (51f) placed our bio-daughter with adoptive parents at birth 14.5 years ago. The adoptive parents were friends of mine in high school, had been married since graduation, added to their family through adoption before, and had, what we considered at the time, a much more stable and connected family life than we could offer her.

For the past 14.5 years, we've remained on the fringes of her life, making ourselves available whenever and however we are needed. They made her aware of the adoption early on and when she asked to meet her birthparents, we were there. Since we were friends with her parents, we weren't strangers to her. Her mother always referred to her as "our girl" when sharing updates or asking advice, so although we are not super close, we've always been there.

This past Tuesday, her mother posted a message on social media about her world falling apart, so I messaged her to let her know I was here for her if she needed me. It took her two hours to message back and let us know that her husband (adoptive dad) had been arrested in August for sexually assaulting our bio-daughter for the past 2.5 years. She was frantically apologetic, saying over and over how she failed our girl. I reassured her as best I could while dying inside.

The next day (yesterday), she messaged that our girl wants me to come visit her (we live out of state now, but with 10 hours driving distance. We, of course, said we'll be there Saturday.

My question is how do we support her mother during this time? As you can imagine, the regret and what ifs are killing me right now. But I know if her momma is okay, our girl will be okay. I just don't want to overstep boundaries.

Any advice from other birthparents would be appreciated.

Rest assured, nothing negative said can be worse than what my brain has already come up with, so if you feel the need to beat me up for my decision to place, go for it if it helps you.

I had a baby that I was forced to give up for adoption almost 4 years ago. I went into the hospital thinking I was going to come home with a baby but I didn’t due to different factors.

Her parents love her and she has an entire family that loves her. I am not apart of that family. I am trying so hard to let go of the fact that her dads don’t hear me when I raise concerns about what her genetics predispose her to. Or the fact they changed her name and weren’t planning on telling me. I have to let go of the anger I feel that I’m not raising her, and her parents have such different priorities then I will have as a parent. I have to let go of the fact she won’t have any cute pictures from being a little kid since they have horrible taste and she always looks disheveled. I have to let go of the fact that for them travel is their biggest thing and she’s not learning a second language or in after school activities. I have to let go of the fact they sent her to daycare versus getting a nanny.

Open adoption is really hard for me constantly seeing what I am missing out on feels like a gut punch everytime, that’s why I can’t continue to have the updates or do visits. Like last visit I know she was a little kid but when she didn’t want to hug me that was brutal. Both of the visits were so brutal. I don’t feel better during the visits seeing her and then the before and after is so extremely brutal.

I’ve come to the realization I can’t be in a place where I’m constantly caring about her and what she’ll think of me. If she understands why I couldn’t have the contact when she was a kid great I’d be open to talking with her as an adult. If she doesn’t and has a lot of negative feelings towards me that’s fine too. I just can’t keep being in this headspace where I constantly think about her and what our relationship may or may not look like when she’s older. I just really have to let go of all my negative feelings and focus on what’s best for me and my life. She has parents who love her who will look out for her best interest. So for me I have to focus on what’s best for me and my life and not be constantly concerned that she’ll feel negative towards me in the future.

I guess I also partly wrote this to tell people it’s ok if your adoption story doesn’t look like the open adoptions on social media and it’s ok if you just need to focus on you. I’m also telling myself this and it doesn’t make you a bad person. I am not a bad person, I’m a person who went through one of the worst traumas and am trying to not just survive but thrive.

I was released for adoption as an infant. I'm curious to know from birth parents, what do you guys think/feel when your birth child says they wished you would've kept them?

She sent the email yesterday and I found it today. She referenced a registry site I’m on and used an old email address I maintain for this purpose.

I responded encouragingly and shared some basic information. It’s an OBC state so I gave her the address to the application. I printed an application for myself and may finally have the courage to sign & mail it.

I also encouraged her to have him do Ancestry or 23&Me … I’m already registered and my profile is public.

Part of me is excited and part is terrified. I’m so afraid this could be a scam or another disappointment. I had a man reach out about 5 years ago and we both held out great hope but we did not dna match…we were both saddened and I hope he has found his match.

It’s been 44 years … I’d about given up hope. On the other hand, I’m sixty years old and my life is not together. I disappointed the children I raised; I am so afraid of disappointing the child I knew I wasn’t good enough to raise.

I am terrified of what may be an answered prayer.

I’m curious other birth parents thoughts on this. I personally don’t because I’m not raising the child, the child is not my child. I went through pregnancy and birth but I am not a parent nor do I have kids. That’s just my way of looking at it, and am curious if other people feel the same or look at it differently

Fiancé and I have just decided to place our little guy for adoption at 35 weeks pregnant due to the fact that we won’t be able to provide him a good life.

I just want to know if I can leave him a note about my and my fiancés lives, our decision to do this, as well as any advice I may have for him? Can I do that?

Also I don’t know the adoption stuff I my state and I’m have a hell of a time figuring it out (WV) so if anyone has any information about it please send it my way

I’m an adoptee in a closed adoption. I have my birth moms info and have found a social media account of hers. There are many reasons I’m debating reaching out, which I talked about in another post here earlier this year.

One of the things I forgot to mention is that she is now raising a new child. She made a post saying she was so unhappy when she was younger and now with her child she’s happy.

I’m worried about messaging her and possibly flipping her life around in a negative way and if that happened how that would impact her kid (my half-sibling).

For those of you who put your children up for adoption in a closed adoption or just haven’t been in contact with them for whatever reason and who went on to have new children who you kept:

How would you feel if the child you put up for adoption contacted you while you were trying to raise your new kid? For anyone that did happen to, what was it like? How did it impact you and the child(ren) you’re raising?

Thanks to anyone who responds.

So I had a baby almost 4 years ago that I was forced to give up for adoption, I have a whole different post about. Now I’m getting ready to ttc on my own with a donor, and I’m curious women who went through an adoption then had other kids what would you have done differently or wish you’d known. I’m so excited, but very anxious about not getting pregnant again easily but I think it will be fine.

I put the trigger warning tag because I’m not sure what else to do, but I had my baby last week on August 27th. He was born a few weeks early. It was an emergency c-section so my mom was the only one allowed in the OR. The procedure itself was very upsetting to me because it’s just weird being awake while someone cuts your body open and rearranges your organs, but thankfully they gave me medication to help me calm down. He spent a few days in the NICU but is doing okay now. He’s quite lovely.

The adoptive parents are staying at an Air BnB close to my house and they come over and visit him often and have stayed overnight so I can get enough sleep to heal and everything. Once I’m cleared to travel, we’re going to go to their house and I’m going to stay there for a few weeks. After that, I will make everything official and legal. I’m not sure what the future is really going to look like but I really hope I’m making the right decision.