Hi Reddit. Coming on here for advice and input. My husband and I have been discussing wanting to adopt within the next year and a half once we’re settled somewhere more permanent. I’m basically just really curious of how the process works since we have fertility issues and it doesn’t look like pregnancy will be an option for us.

How do we find the mother? when we do find a mother how do we go about the adoption process etc. Who would we need to get involved?

How do we adopt a 1-2 year old the best way?

How can we avoid spending a lot of money to adopt? Or is it all through the roof to adopt regardless what you do?

What are things I need to know and do before I can/should adopt?

Is it a good idea to foster to adopt?

If anyone can answer these questions and give more advice it would be great.

Edit: we’re located in Texas but will soon be in Oklahoma

We are preparing to start our adoption journey in February. We have most things already completed such as a profile book, background checks, health backgrounds and drug tests, have already reached out to people for homestudy refrences & money for homestudy process.

So we feel it will move fairly quickly however how soon did everyone start buying products? When do you suggest buying baby items we already have a small stash of items such as clothes and wipes. We've started researching products and we have been researching pediatricians, daycare, sitter. We just want to be as prepared as possible for when the time comes.

TW: Death

My (biological) mum and step dad became foster carers 2 year, but fell in with the baby they had from 8 days old, and adopted her, but this year at 2, my step dad, her (adoptive) Dad died. He was in his 60’s but died from brain haemorrhage, and his death was nothing to do with his age. When I was interviewed by social services she kept on mentioning my parents age, and I even said to her, you don’t know what could happen, she could get adopted by a happy healthy couple in their 30’s and they have a messy divorce or killed in a car crash, or one gets cancer, but these guys have a love that’s nauseating (lol) they’ll be together for ever.

But now my sister is 2 and had to say goodbye to her dad and I feel so much guilt that she could have had a different trajectory, I’m trying to remind myself that anything could happen, any other child in our circle had adoptive parents all set up and then they bailed right before she was supposed to go home, and the same with another 3 months baby.

I know my sister has had a great start to her life and has a mum and brother / sister / grandma / family that adore her and support her, but my mums scared she’ll grow up to resent her, and I’m scared that she’ll hate us too and constantly think what if. I’m scared of all the moments he won’t be there for, her wedding day, first heart break, her first school play.

My husband and I are new biological parents to a baby boy, our first child. We both want two to three kids. I had an extremely traumatic (and dangerous) delivery with this baby and don’t want to risk that again for myself or my other children. I also don’t feel like going through another pregnancy and the complications I experienced during my last one. We are both strongly considering adopting other children, but I am very worried about how biological and adoptive children would react to each other. I’m worried that no matter how much effort we put in, they’ll compete or not be close.

Does anyone have insight into this? I tried looking up other similar posts but didn’t find anything - please feel free to link other posts or comments.

Hi all! Husband and I will be hopefully traveling out of state early next year to adopt our first child. We will be flying and renting a car. Was just wondering if anyone had any tips/tricks for housing/travel options. Air bnb vs hotel etc. We have an estimated due date so will hopefully be able to plan (as much as you can for a babies arrival) when we need to be there, but the post birth timing etc is tricky. We've got a travel bassinet and will have a car seat/stroller but more just trying to see if there's anything people recommend/wish they had in a similar siutation.

Hey all, any adoptive parents who have gone through the NAS hospital stay? We’re on day 3 after birth, but NAS took 48 hours to fully hit (sadly his Finnegan score went through the roof right as his biomom was signing papers). Baby is doing much better on morphine, but now has to wean off and gain weight. Who has been through this? What advice do you have? The nurses are amazing.

Hello folks, any good tips on how to find a tax person who knows the adoption piece? I’m in Mass.

My nieces were adopted a couple of years ago and I’m finally getting the chance to see them again. I’ve never met their adoptive mom and honestly don’t know a lot about her. I’m bringing them a squishmallow, and would like to give her something also. I’m so appreciative of this chance and I think gift giving may be my love language?

Any suggestions would be great. I don’t want to overstep boundaries or come off as too much.

Hello wonderful people, my husband and I are looking to find options for parenting classes. We have done long term care for infants before but we want to make sure we are up to date on any parenting methods that will give us the best opportunity to be successful with raising a healthy happy adjusted kiddo.

What online courses or sites would you recommend for parenting classes? What is the affordability of them? What things do you think any new parent should educate themselves on?

I’ve been told it’s important to create an adoption story book and read it to my adopted child. What did you include? When did you start reading it to them?

We are about to start our homestudy and interested in advice on agencies. We are located in Virginia.

I live in New York and l receive a subsidy for my adopted child who's now 17 , will be 18 next month. It was told to me that l will continue to receive this subsidy until she is 21 . What l wanted to know is once she starts working will l still receive the monthly subsidy

My younger (adopted) son is 5.5 years old. He is such a joy, so happy, inquisitive and loves me in a way I never expected. We are so grateful that he was born healthy, that his birth mom remains in touch, and that he and his (our biological son) brother get along like any other brothers— that is to say, with a 2.5 year gap if they aren’t playing they’re probably fighting!

Adoption can be a hard road, rising out of tragedy. It’s still early in his life, and I know there will be bumps ahead. It’s just so nice to see him understand that he’s adopted, know that’s not the norm, and feels comfortable sharing. Becoming reacquainted with his birth mom half a year ago is probably a big part of that. I’m grateful we live in such a diverse neighborhood so he’s not one of a few minority kids in his class.

He is my joy, my heart, my spirit. He completed our family, and I so love watching him and his brother grow in so many ways.

That’s all. It’s a tragic, wonderful journey and every day I am grateful that we adopted this happy little pumpkin.

My husband and I have an 11 yr old and are looking into adopting a baby or a young child. My one concern is the health of the child. My parents adopted a baby back in the 80’s and he ended up having Fetal alcohol Syndrome. The mom lied about drinking and drug use. I’m just wondering if there are any agencies that test for health concerns. My sibling ended up passing away due to health issues resulting from their FAS, so I’d like to try and get all the health knowledge of my child before I end up adopting due to some ptsd from fix if. My sibling passed away. Please no harsh words.

My adult daughter who has been with us most of her life recently reached out to bio mom. My concern was obviously my daughter getting hurt. This was not a great situation as my daughter was abused and neglected and in foster care. My daughter point blank asked bio mom why she was in foster care.... After 5 days and bio-moms response barely took any responsibility. And dropped a bomb that my daughter was sexually abused. 😳 Bio-mom stated the state didn't want her to get her kids back. As a foster mom, adoptive mom and guardian ad litem I know how many opportunities and chances they give bio parents. My daughter had proof in writing about several things and yet bio-mom still denied. My daughter is devastated yet again by this woman. Has this happened to anyone, how have you dealt with it?

I need some help, I am a teacher and last year I had a student in foster care. By the end of the year she was going to adopt her since bio mom lost all rights to her. I found out the foster mom has doubts about adopting her since she is older and the kid is in first grade. Hearing this broke my heart so I reached out to foster mom and she opened to the idea of me adopting her. I just don’t have the license and wondering if there is a way to make it go faster. Any answers would be great! I live in California

Hi,

My husband and I are in the very early stages of our journey with adoption. We both want to be fathers and raise a child, which has been our dream. There is so much to think about regarding this important step in our lives so is there anyone that can provide us with advice or start a conversation with me about adoption. How long does it take, fees, expectations, etc. Our goal is to adopt a newborn. We live in NJ and we need as much help as we can. We don't have friends who have adopted so we're basically on our own with this. Thanks!

I found a lot of posts with a similar title, but I didn't run across any that really answered my question.

From the research I've done, states are generally happy to adopt out to anyone who's not on government assistance. But that seems like quite a low bar. After all, if you're just above the poverty line(or better, cutoff for aid), you're going to be really poor when you add the expense of a child. I remember not having much money as a kid, and that seems like a bad situation to choose for your future child.

So instead of asking for official policy, I'm asking for opinions. What income level do you feel is the floor for adopting? What experiences led you to choose that income level?

Our 7 year old son, adopted at birth— just started sobbing tonight, and couldn’t stop. Nothing happened prior to our knowledge, and he just kept saying - “i don’t know where this is coming from.”

Seemed like a grief release, we affirmed him, comforted him,rode it out— and he calmed down after about 20 minutes.

We continue to have very open discussions - nothing off limits, etc. have been transparent, it’s an open adoption - but the parents do not want to meet in person quite yet (we share info back and forth multiple times a month on a shared site). It’s a standing offer that we follow up on regularly.

We haven’t started counseling - but do have an appointment to begin in 6 weeks.

What else can we do? This was heartbreaking and we want to be sure we are validating his journey and also supporting with everything we can do.

Hi! We recently adopted a baby boy - he’s just turned one and been with us for 7 months. He is absolutely thriving - chatty, curious and a really busy clever little boy. My question is to those who adopted babies and they are now more grown. What did your bonding journey look like? I honestly have times where I bond and am fully attached and feel like “yes, I am your mommy” and sometimes I feel like I am just looking after someone else’s baby. Not in an angry way or negative way, just a semi-detached observant kind of way. Did any of you ever feel this way and when did you stop feeling this way? I feel really guilty about it, it’s just a weird feeling that comes over me every now and then.

My husband and I have dreamed of adopting for as long as we’ve been together. We’ve always understood that bio babies weren’t an option for us but that hasn’t deterred us from wanting to share our love and life with a little. We are in the preliminary parts of the process, informational meetings and deciding what agencies we are most comfortable with. We tend to do extensive research to make the most informed decisions possible but this is obviously a very different adventure. We’ve talked extensively about what type of adoption, openness etc, basically talked through as many points as we can imagine thus far.

What advice would you share with someone in our position or things you wish you knew or considered earlier?

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

I’m questioning whether we should proceed with our home study. I have been overwhelmed trying to manage this entire process as a single person. I think it’s highlighting a lot of holes in our marriage. I feel like I’m married to a child.

I’ve expressed several times throughout the past few months that I want my husband to 1. Be interested in the adoption, if this is truly what he wants (I thought it was) But he hasn’t researched anything about adoption, agencies, home studies, attachment, etc.

The one important piece I asked him to do was to secure our insurance/ life insurance. He never answered the insurance emails. This led to me having to take over it as well.

I asked him to do his autobiography, our final home study visit is tomorrow, and he quickly typed out a 3/4 page autobiography that didn’t answer any of the 50 questions on the home study outline given to us. It said almost nothing about how we want to raise the child, our family, our marriage. Only bullet points about his childhood, adult life and work.

Zero adoptive training involvement.

He couldn’t even be bothered to drop off his medical form to his doctors office, I had to do that as well.

I’m stressed from the process and I’m stressed in our marriage, feeling unsupported or not on the same page.

On top of being expected to fulfill all of these duties in the adoption, I’m the homemaker; grocery shopper, meal planner, dog mom, family planner, bill payer, communicator. Working full time. And being supportive to my own family.

And then getting a lot of negative comments from husbands family and sometimes husband on how he “deserves his own baby,”

I think I know the answer to this but I’m reaching out for support and confirmation.

I’m thinking of calling off the home study. I feel like our marriage has been damaged by this process, or rather things that have always been there have come to light. And I know I can’t force him to want this adoption. He’s a chronic people pleaser and I never know where he really stands.

I know that if I’m feeling this unsupported and alone right now, that is only going to be magnified when a child comes into the picture and I know a child deserves a well balanced family, rock solid and we are not that right now.

Edit: Thank you all for the feedback. Some hard truths, nothing I didn’t know or feel myself, but different having it confirmed. Just emailed our social work and called off the home study. Thank you ❤️

I suspect this is a case of agencies 'taking money from desperate people' and providing no tangible service. I've been with lifetime adoption for nearly two years, and not so much as even an inkling of interest from an adoptive mother. $20,000 to join, they claim to do marketing for you and present to birth moms - I've seen nothing so far. When two years is up, they keep the money, adoption or not.

As I was becoming skeptical, I went so far as to contact the local birth centers at my local hospitals, they have not heard of lifetime. Have other people had similar experiences with Lifetime?

I'm looking for a book to give at baby showers about "my friend is adopted", so it can open up some conversation with my friends kids about adoption. It doesn't have to be that specific, but just something that can normalize adoption in other people's households.

I imagine this question has been asked plenty of times and i apologize, but I am new here and my wife and I are in the beginning stages of learning what to do. I have contacted an agency to no avail simply to learn what the first few steps are. I am already confused and overwhelmed. We are interested in adopting through our state is possible and are happy to adopt 4-14 year old kids. But holy crap there is alot of info but how do I sort through it all? What are the general steps? How do people afford the thousands it costs? Why is it so difficult to give someone in need love, a great home and help with their future endeavors? My wife and I are stable and well employed, have a large house in the country with property, are unable to have children of our own but have so much love, care and advice to give to a child but are having a heck of a time navigating everything or even getting more info than "here contact your state agency". This is daunting but any and all advice is appreciated.

*edit Located in Wisconsin

Hi! I have a home study question - are they looking for how safe your actual home is or your surrounding area? We live in a pretty affluent town in NJ but we do live right behind the train and can see it go by from our house. There’s also a fence in our backyard that can lead to the train track (every house along the train has this). Would this in general make us fail the home study?

My adult child is wondering if she can petition the court for her TPR Records.... Has anyone done this?

My husband and I are at a loss for how to handle our 8 year old. We adopted him and his two siblings a few years ago. He was 2.5 years old when he came to us in foster care while our middle was 10 months and the youngest hadn’t been born yet. We adopted when he had just turned 5. He has struggled the most with attachment and the loss of bio family, specifically his sister who was sent back to her bio dad - different than his. Ties have been severed post adoption due to extreme safety concerns.

Today at the after school program, he threw another kid on the ground during a game of 4 square. He said he got upset and took the ball and the kid tackled him and he pulled him down with him. We were told that he tackled the kid and it got rough. The other kid had a goose egg develop on his forehead.

This isn’t his first write up this year for physicality. I recognize that boys will be boys, but it’s also super difficult to navigate this within the context of his trauma. I am concerned that if we don’t effectively address these behaviors now, they will manifest into much more serious issues as he gets older.

Any advice on how to discipline him while also supporting him? He is in play therapy and active in sports.

We don’t really have a community here of other parents who fostered and then adopted. It is so complex and hard but also beautiful. Seeking some support here.

I would love to be a foster parent one day, and I 1000% understand the main goal is always reunification with their families. Right now, however, my husband and I would love to adopt a child or sibling group. It’s been brought to my attention that children on certain sites like Heart Galleries, Adoptuskids, etc, have children listed whose parental rights have already been terminated. Of course I understand the children on there may have significant disabilities, complex trauma, be older/teens etc, I’m still very much hoping to adopt. I’m just not sure where to start. I contacted a private adoption agency and they said they only do interstate/private adoption. I contacted my local county foster social worker and explained we’d like to adopt out of foster care (children who’s rights have been terminated or available to adopt), and she said “fostering may not be for you if you want to solely adopt”. While I understand what they’re saying, to adopt these children, a home study and education needs to be completed, so where do I go to get this completed?? I feel like I’m getting the run around. Can anyone point me in the right direction? Did you go through your county? Or private agency?