Hi! This is my first time posting on Reddit. So hope the formatting is right, and I pre apologize for typos, since English is not my first language.

Let me get straight in, l (19/female) had a talk with a friend (20/male) about my childhood, and I told him how I was adopted by my grandparents, and how they fostered me like parents. He looked at me and told me „you can't call ur self adopted, u where raised by family. And if they where like parents to you it's really the same "

When I was 6 or 7 my grandparents took me in as a foster kid, since my parents where out of the picture for drug related issues. Since then they have been raising me, i do call them mom and dad, and they tried to never make much of a difference between me and there other (bio) children. But I did always feel..different, in a way. I always wondered where my „real“ (bio) parents are. And why they left me. I only recently had contact with my bio-mother (which was a disaster) while I sadly had no chance to find my bio-dad. Don’t get me wrong I love my grandparents (who I call parents since they are the only once’s I ever really had/can remember). But I do feel like it’s okay to call myself adopted and recognise they are not my „real“/(bio) parents, or am I in the wrong ?

Am I valid to call myself an Adoptee/say I was adopted even if it was by family technically?

I have an analysis on people i do not get along with. Once I have described my experience I’d like to know if my thinking is prejudiced or not.

Before I came to the United States, I had known no other Africans but the ones in my country. I didn’t know there were people that didn’t look like us, or have different cultural practices. As a child, I did not have the capacity to judge or make assumptions about different kinds of people because I hadn’t met any outside of my community. So the qualms I have with people today- no matter who- did not exist for me as a child and before my formative years and before my adoption which all happened early teen years.

When I was an early teenager, I was adopted by a white family. The mom used to live in ghana for many years before my adoption. She would tell me how much she liked it there, but she’s not to be trusted as she is also out right racist and has biases(very clear and obvious). So I get that she enjoyed her time but that can’t really count for much based on how she chose to raise me.

With me, she would train behaviors out of me, like clicking my tongue or any mannerisms typical of my country and other african countries. I remember being shunned in many small ways. Being told saying Zed was wrong and instead I should say Z; small instances where she showed me what she approved of and disapproved of. And over time, I was trained out of many of my mannerisms and I’m now essentially as white as a suburban white woman. They have trained me out of many things, including my language. I have been grilled into speaking English the way they approve of. So I am well aware of my own lashings from her and white people generally. And I know this can affect my exchange with others. By now, I know and am used to her culture, her attitudes, her cultural practices and actually white societies norms and expectations. I have assimilated. Deeply.

Now, on the other hand, I have noticed how much I do not get along with west Africans. When I was in Ghana there were many times I would butt heads with especially the women. There are immigrant women specifically in America who I have had a really hard time getting along with. The mannerisms and attitude with which I am approached as the front desk person at my job or when I’m being checked out at a shop is often worse than with any other people. There’s always a glare and an attitude with which they approach me. The loudness with which some of the individuals I have encountered or the immediate negativity with which I am approached with is off putting and makes it hard for me to not be defensive. I have also noticed, the huge difference in how they approach me vs white women in the same office. Where they are much gentler with white women and with less attitude.

Essentially, all aunties of many cultures and countries can be really mean sometimes and I feel like all I’ve known of west Africans is mean aunties.

I had a west african friend to whom I no longer speak to. And the biggest issue with us was how she would go absolutely cold towards me after about a day or 2 of us hanging out. She’d give me the cold shoulder, visible to my other friends, where I don’t know what I did wrong but she’s mad. The last time I tried to bring this up, she said well that’s just how I am naturally. So I took her for her word, I figured we can’t be friends then because how you naturally are( randomly going cold after a day or 2 of handing out)is not a nice feeling for me. I didn’t want to accept that.

What I found to be confusing is that before she gets like this though, she’s happy, not combative and it’s all normal. But after a couple of days, she is much colder, less talkative and truthfully, just annoyed with me. We traveled for vacation once and it was horrible after like a day or 2. And it could be that she’s just tired or has calmed her nervous to her normalized state but her coldness or what I am reading as coldness, could literally cut a room in half. It was so obvious how different she became. She didn’t wanna talk to me anymore. It was like going mute. And anytime I’d talk to her about anything, it didn’t feel like the normal conversations we’d randomly have, instead I felt like I had to defend everything i said. It was no longer a curiosity conversation, but a topic I had to defend to her. Which made talking really stressful. Every conversation became combative.

Now, what I want to know is, do I not get along with Ghanians/Nigerians because I have internalized biases my racist white mom had or is my feeling valid to drawn a conclusion that certain personalities and I do not mix well? Or is it both?

Coupled with these feelings, I remember once( I was high) I saw my favorite Ghanian podcasters instagram, where I instantly felt she wasn’t a trustworthy person, that she was pretending to be who she shows up as online and I read her as mean. Obviously I realized a second later that I had a bad interaction with her once and that doesn’t mean she’s a bad or mean person. So I immediately understood that was a me problem. And the girl is literally not mean at all, at least not that I have seen. So that was just my gross behavior.

I add notes of my friend and the podcaster to say, I have had instances where I was wrong or could have been wrong. I’m not trying to say I do not have internalized racism, I am sharing the whole truth so your feedback is actually useful to me and I can change if that is what is required of me.

Lastly, I am able to discern the rudeness and even racist behaviors of white people but know not to generalize to all white people. I have met really horrible people from my country and I do feel often, they are not very nice people- especially the aunties(tribalism plays a role in their treatment of me sometimes) But I can discern that it’s not a whole regional problem. And even if it is a whole regional problem it’s not all people from my country. But when it comes to west Africans, it is harder for me to define if I’m being biased or if I’ve just had a bad experience with them. It is harder for me to discern that it’s the aunties I don’t get along with and not all people .

Why is it harder for me to discern this like I can for other people and cultures. I am very well aware that my struggle with my own cultural identity may make it harder for me to navigate relationships with people from backgrounds that remind me of the differences I’ve faced. This can create a sense of defensiveness or discomfort in interactions. Being adopted into a different culture can lead to feelings of displacement. And this whole world has something to say about Africa but especially west Africans so social norms can affect my thinking yes, but this feels deeper or somehow more sinister.

So, I’m just very confused what to think or feel or if I should do more work to be better. Should I just assume I have internalized racism towards west Africans and seek help? Or is there a little bit of everything in my experiences??? Or am I projecting my adoptive mom’s feelings onto others on her behalf ?? What could this be?

Thank you and I’d appreciate truthful feedback

Recap: do I have internalized racism if i don’t get along with people from a specific region of the world ? Why can’t I discern some people from this region can be mean/rude but it doesn’t mean everyone is like that, why can’t I discern this like I can discern for other regions and people?

Hey all, Blessed Samhainn to those you celebrate 🖤🦋 I would like to set up an ancestor altar tonight, but I have little to no information about my ancestors of origin as individuals other than my Ancestry.com results, and my birth parents on my original birth certificate (have never contacted them though). I'm wondering if y'all have suggestions for ways to honor my ancestors without knowing them well?

So I am a 22f who was adopted into a family where my adoptive parents have two biological children, 21f & 26f, making me the middle child. I always joke to friends and people who ask me what it’s like that being an adopted middle child is the biggest “double whammy” you could have. On a deeper level, growing up with this family dynamic was always difficult. Being adopted typically means that you’re the odd-one-out, but by also being the middle child I’ve felt that this was amplified. It also didn’t help that I was wildly different from my whole family, so bonding on similar hobbies and interests was never easy. As a kid, I would religiously clean the house, cook dinner, and complete any kind of task in order to get attention from my parents. Over the past few years I’ve started to see the impacts of this. I am hyper-independent, have trouble with anxiety, dislike affection but enjoy attention, and am a very bad people-pleaser. I am curious if anyone else on here is in a similar position and could give me some insight to your experience.

So my adoptive mother (70F) adopted me (21F) and my brother (19M) as a single person as has never been in a relationship to my knowledge. However she has started referring to my adoptive family as "my side of the family" when talking about her sister (my aunty) what is all that about? I recently cut her off for kicking me out at 8 months pregnant and making me homeless. I have a history of her inflicting emotional and physical abuse from the moment I was adopted. I finally had the courage to start letting other family members know what had been happening and they have all been very supportive towards me. I recently allowed her to meet my child after 5 months of no contact and now she's "embarrassed" that family members are congratulating her on finally meeting her 'grandchild'? To this I say why be embarrassed when you caused all this with your unkindness ways towards me.

I'm just really hurt that she's now referring to the only family l've ever know as her "side of the family" | feel even more rejected every time we interact. So AITA if I refuse to refer to my adoptive mother as mom as she very clearly doesn't see me as her child ?

I’ve had a few of my exchanges with APs over on r/adoption reported to mods. And since reading some discussion here about general commenting experience and mod bans of adoptees there, I’m curious if any adoptees have individually reported disrespectful or gaslighting comments to mods.

It’s a tactic at everyone’s disposal technically, but it has never occurred to me to use it. And now I’m curious why that is and if anyone else has.

My lack of initiative to do this feels psychologically significant. That I’m more inclined to chime in to support other adoptees or just cope on my own or further assert myself without any appeal to the moderators.

It’s just one lever, like a letter to your congressman (for lack of a better example), and I get why it isn’t worth it for many of us to even spend time on the general sub.

That said, maybe it’s worth stepping up collectively for those of us with the energy to keep that diplomatic channel open such as it is. Food for thought.

What do you think?

Last week I got some advice about using search angels on FB. I'd had my file several months and found nothing. Within a few hours I had info on my mother, her new husband and my brother and sisters. Unfortunately she passed away a few years ago but I contacted her husband and he told me lovely things about her and that she talked about me often. Ive seen photos since and my sister is the double of me. I've now got contact details for her so at some point, when all processed I'll make contact. She has agreed to this.
Thanks everyone, feels weird that there is another me

This video popped up in my feed. It explains so much of my personal psychology. Does this describe you as well???

https://youtu.be/FGdrQCMaaWY?si=ZdP753smpntDAWXf

Y'all - remember to rock your yellow for Adoptee Remembrance Day tomorrow. It's a day to honor the lives of those who have gone before us, especially those of us lost to suicide or murdered by our adoptive parents.

Hello, I'm a female and 20 years old. As the title says it means I'm adopted, but my Adoptive mother is actually my Grandmother (Sister of my Biological Father's Mother). My mama (Adoptive Mother) and her husband (Adoptive Father) couldn't have kids, and my mama had her fallopian tubes removed because she couldn't have kids anyway, My bio father is My mama's nephew to be clear, so she heard that my bio mother was starting to complain about the pain of the pregnancy which that time was me and actually decided to abort me, My adoptive Mother told her to not abort me because she wants to have a baby which then my bio mother agreed but told them that if i was a boy they (Biological Parents) will keep me because they have always wanted a boy and they already had my two big sisters at the time of me still being inside my bio mother, but if i came out as a girl they would give me to them (Adoptive Parents) and of course when i came out i was female, they told me i didn't even breastfeed on my bio mother when i came out which i always joked about "Maybe i already knew that i was given away so i didn't attach myself to her". So i was only 3 months old when my adoptive parents took and raised me as their own. I love them very much of course, showed my all the love and care, all the needs and wants and i also love and care about them so much even if i am not their biological daughter.

But even so my adoptive parents let me visit my Bio Family to still be close to them, but when i was 19 going 20 i started to feel uncomfortable around my bio parents. I feel awkward and sometimes i don't really like how they see things, well at first i have this boyfriend (currently 3 years together) and they keep on saying comments about him, how they don't like him but it was only subtle not entirely always talking about him. Only sometimes when they would see him. My Adoptive parents like him and already accepted him as my boyfriend so my boyfriend is also more comfortable with my adoptive parents than my Biological parents.

Then sometimes my biological parents specially my mother, will say that i should not get married early and that i should help them first, which to me i feel slightly weird because they had already given me away why would i then help them? They didn't even experience the hardships of raising me and taking care of me until i'm an adult and actually wanted to abort me because my own bio mother couldn't take the pain anymore but then suddenly they want me to help them?

I just kind of feel so distant towards my bio parents, but my siblings i feel comfortable and i love them of course! It's just my bio parents is making me uncomfortable. And i just wanna know if what i'm feeling is bad or not. Btw my bio parents are not together anymore, my bio mother have 2 daughters from another guy while my bio father already have a different wife.

I (25F) found out I was adopted at birth when I was 18 years old. I was so curious about it and I would ask my mother for all sorts of information about her. I wrote a poem based on the grief I feel towards my adoptive mother being so incredibly mean to me when I wanted to know anything about my biological mother. She basically told me to shut up about it and keep my adoption a secret. I looked like my parents anyway. Hope this relates to someone out there, or at least just gives you a sense of empathy. Sending you all lots of love and support and virtual hugs 🤍 Here’s the link: https://youtu.be/uScS0PDZFcc?si=AgNGBAoDADZZA7SH

Post whatever you have on your mind this week for which you'd rather not make a separate post.

My adoptive family is constantly using othering language and I’m honestly getting so fed up, it’s been 16 years. For context black female adopted into white family with 3 bio brothers.

Sometimes my white adopted siblings will say things like “go get YOUR brothers” “go tell YOUR brothers” it’s like what are they not your brothers too?? Or my one of my AP will always make me and my bio siblings do all the chores in the name of “well you guys are the youngest” like why are we cleaning up after grown adults. On top of that they’ll hold full blown conversations with their bio kids laughing and joking but when it comes to us it’s short quick answers. And they wonder why I barely tell them anything like what’s the point. Or they have no problem financially supporting their grown bio kids but god forbid we need money for something.

Eight Phases describing various ways emerging from the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) of adoption experience can feel and manifest for adoptees. The alliteration is nice.

1. Disengaging - adoption is just a fact about me
2. Denying - adoption doesn’t matter
3. Defending - adoption maybe matters but only in positive ways
4. Discerning - maybe adoption is more complicated that originally though
5. Deconstructing - adoption is way more complicated than originally thought
6. Drowning - adoption is so complicated it’s emotionally overwhelming
7. Developing - now I am developing a whole sense of self including how adoption and relinquishment effected me
8. Deciding - now I can decide with more awareness all of what I want my life to be and mean to me as a whole adopted person

For me, all of these resonate with some caveats that don’t for my experience of adoption consciousness and reunion. Mostly, I think healing is baked into all of this and I doubt everyone will end up in a place where adoption is perceived as both gains and losses (that feels overly prescriptive to me). Otherwise, I’m glad this exists and wanted to share. I expect that for some adoptees who discount the FOG in general or don’t identify with the experience personally, this won’t resonate or might be triggering. Everyone is entitled to orienting themselves in their own experience. I imagine this will be validating and helpful to many here. That’s the hope.

Take a look. What do you think? How does it register for you, if at all?

PDF from adoptionsavvy.com link:

https://www.adoptionsavvy.com/_files/ugd/457277_96abb4ff580b4cf898fd116126e810ac.pdf

And honestly it made me sad. I know I'm being soft, and she didn't mean it like that and was probably drunk and she took it back, but idk just those reminders that go further than that "look" you get when you're introduced to others as a family member, just being reminded of your difference from everyone (interracial adopted)

It was by my fam members new gf who didn't know me. That night was a rly bad night for me overall for multiple reasons so pretty soon after that I just left and cried lol

It's like I know I'm different and I hate it and I hate being reminded of it

I posted this on r/AskAdoptees but figured I should post this here too. I (14F) am a triplet, me, my sister and brother were all adopted about 40 days after our birth. Our bio mom was only 20 years old when she had us, she was addicted to drugs and abused alcohol. She had been kicked out of her parents house at 16 and had been living with her aunt until she started using and ran away. She eventually got pregnant with us. Me and my siblings were adopted by an amazing couple. My adoptive parents never made me or my siblings feel like we had to be grateful for our adoption, they recognized our trauma and never made us feel like we had to be happy with our situation. My adoptive dad helped put my bio mom in rehab but only three months after she got out she ghosted us and never made an effort to communicate with us again until now. Just a week ago our parents got a message that she wanted to see us. My brother couldn't care less about our bio mom and doesn't want to see her; my sister has always wanted to reconnect with our birth mother and have us all be a happy family. I don't know what boat I fall into, it would be really nice to get to know her but I already have trust and abandonment issues and I don't want to be let down. My parents have left the decision up to us but I don't know what to. Any advice from adoptees who might have been in my situation or have some experience with something like this would be greatly appreciated.

My husband and I bought a house not that long ago. (A little over a year.) It is in a wonderful neighborhood and we are so happy here. Around the same time, my mom, sister and grandma moved into a big house all together. Despite a rocky relationship, I was very happy for them and hoped it would work out.

I am low contact with my immediate biological family due to some unhealthy family dynamics. My mom is mentally ill, likely due to trauma and childhood neglect/abuse. She is also traumatized from my adoption. She practices triangulation with my sister and it’s not a healthy dynamic for me at all. So I distanced myself which has been good for both of us. Even though we aren’t in contact, I have good relationships with extended family.

I found out today though, that my mom and sister saw a house for sale online (through our realtor) that looked like ours. I guess they were asking my cousin if we were planning to sell. The implication being that they were happy to see us having to move again. (They are aware I have trauma related to moving.) Meanwhile, my mom and sis are now having to move out of the house they got with my grandma, because it apparently wasn’t a healthy situation for them. Which makes me sad for them. I am a big believer in multi family housing and this could have been great for the whole family.

Every time I hear about them, it’s always in the context of them talking shit about me or wishing for me to fail or fall out of touch with the family. My mom actually tried to get me to stop talking to my relatives and that’s one of the many reasons we don’t speak anymore.

I still pray for my mom and sister to heal. I have no ill will towards them and I wish them peace and joy. I just don’t want to be part of their lives. I don’t understand why or how you could sit around wishing for your family members to suffer. I guess my mom thinks that I’m personally responsible for her trauma related to adoption, because I’m not thankful for being forcibly estranged from my family, nor am I willing to stay estranged. But I’ve never ever blamed that on her.

It just sucks, I wish she would just leave me alone and forget I exist rather than sitting around hoping I fail.

Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry for all the negativity.

Thirty years ago I was ready to meet someone who would not show up.

I bent uncertainty into a threshold,

But still fear I can't soothe what goes preverbal, unfelt, like scale built deep in my tissue.

The original wound,

So smooth with age it slips past sight till the world spins.

How does an anniversary of this wound,

That spawned gifts of self constructs I can't stretch beyond,

Offer more than a grief that society insists I accept with a gracious smile?

Funfetti cake?

As an adoptee, do you ever think you have some unknown family history of disease? I always tell my mom i’ll get cancer or stroke out at 30 just because I don’t know my family history.

TL;DR: Insecurities about being adopted as a baby, feeling surprised/questionable I'm in a blessed family, may have been given up for adoption my bio parents immediately, questions that I have for bio parents that may make adoptive mother insecure, feeling of guilt and worthlessness.

I [19F] was adopted as a baby around a few months (0-3) old. I knew I was adopted since kindergarten. Knowing about my adoption since a young age made me curious about where I'm from, who I look like, what characteristics I have from my birth parents etc. has always been there.

However my adoptive mom being a typical an emotional (slight blackmailer) has always made me feel guilty to even search for my bio parents and she would blame me I don't love her and cry bla bla., which is not true but I'm so bad at emotionally being expressive as compared to my adoptive mother there's a stark difference. I'm more like my adoptive dad who is not expressive at all. I suppose it is learned behavior but the way I behave like my adoptive dad is so close. I do feel guilty that I'm not deserving when she shows so much love whereas I struggle to express.

(p.s. the way I resemble both my adoptive parents is crazy I really look like a mix of their faces sometimes more like mom or dad which weirdly scares me cuz I'm not biologically related by any means. Some luck I guess!)

I don't talk about it as much as before but if topics do stem my insecurities I subtly tell her that I would try to at least know my bio parents if not meet. My Adoptive mother has problems sometimes when I we've spoken about this and she verifies if I will search after she passes away although I say no I do wish and hoping I can give myself a chance to search for my bio parents.

I have the freedom to want to know at least. It not much I feel I to ask. My whole life I've struggled to come to terms with being adopted. I thought the past ten years of my insecurity towards being adopted and feeling unwanted would have vanished but it surprisingly exists!

As a kid my insecurity wasn't bad, but it erupted into a huge fight with adoptive mom in grade 3 where I had a whole MAJOR catharsis and screamed that I wish she wasn't my mom. I don't hope that in real life, I apologized to her. I'm grateful to her and adoptive dad but it made me realize once I was older how much I used (or still do sometimes) to think or overthink for being adopted.

During Covid-19 I became a complete loner although I socialized enough I became very involved into my thoughts. Insecurities about being adopted definitely re-emerged. Most of these led to argument with my mom however we always end up cooling down, apologizing trying to understand each other's perspectives even though she may feel I don't love her enough.

I also feel horribly guilty about the amount of money that's spent on me. I was very fortunate enough to grow up in a well-to family as my parents adopted me quite later into their marriage. So financially they were able to provide above and beyond.

However, as I'm a single child, I know for a fact I'm pretty spoiled even though it may not be so obvious to people, I definitely know I'm getting the best of the best. As a kid I was particular about money (weirdly enough) and worried we'd become poor. I would try not to spend too much money but those feelings of monetary value being reduced 100% stresses me out. And it weirdly enough started again idk if it's cuz uni expenses but I do blame that a bit.

I also do know that before adopting me my parents had seen another baby girl. My adoptive mother told me this story quite recently as in last year (2023). I didn't really feel anything emotionally. They didn't adopt her as they didn't feel much of a connect whereas I was known as the happy, giggling baby that never cried (some great record I had!) so I was adopted which I'm thankful for.

But I do have so many questions as an adopted baby/person like how's it that I'm so questionable/lucky/blessed to be adopted to parents who care for me so much when I may not be the best child for them? How or who or what position were my bio parents were in to have put me up for adoption as a baby? Where I was born- I just know the area where I was born (no specifications) etc.

All I know I was barely a month old in the adopted missionary that was taking care of me, due to the fact I was adopted after 5 months. And these 5 months were enough for all the legalities by my adoptive parents so it does strike a nerve to know I may have been given up quite easily and quickly for that matter. I'm glad to live the life I'm living, although it does feel very "handed to me on golden platter" and if I don't strive up to the current lifestyle and expectations I have now I know I feel guilty and feel that I'm a bad daughter and my adoptive parents could have gotten a better child.

https://www.adoptmatch.com/open-adoption-rules-post-adoption-agreement-by-state

This information seems both valuable and mildly to moderately misleading, but I’m not entirely sure I can articulate exactly why this is my intuition.

I would feel much better if this organization partnered with family preservation organizations as much as adoption professionals. Such as Saving Our Sisters.

https://savingoursistersadoption.org/

I’m still getting my bearings in the adoption-industrial complex. I recently heard Angela Tucker, adoptee and former adoption professional, mention that using the term “family preservation” in adoption institutions and bureaucratic spaces signals that you’re politically progressive. I interpreted this to mean that this orientation to adoption is perceived as misguided, unduly liberal and will result in marginalization of whomever expresses this affinity.

This is a bit of a shotgun post, but I’m interested in any thoughts or discussion. Personal or political. For adoptees, the personal has always been political it seems.