Well, I know I'm going to spend the whole month saying the same shit over and over again, but yet here I am.

It's not about me. It's not about my "experience". It's not about feelings. It's not about my adoptive family, my biological family, my relationships with them, or how I feel about them. It's not about being angry or bitter or ungrateful (yes I see the irony) or resentful or playing the victim or any of the other insults tossed our direction to shut us up.

What I'm talking about is the morals, ethics, and legalities if what happened to all of us when we were adopted and how the next generation of disenfranchised children can be preserved from it all. No feelings, just facts.

Potential adopters really don't like it. I really don't care as long as something gets through their skulls. If I can save one kid from having their basic human rights violated and being trafficked like chattel all the abuse from the rainbows and unicorns crowd is worth it.

This is just a vent post. Feel free to skip if ya don't wanna listen to me complain about adoptive parents. This time, not my own lol.

So I have a friend I went through school with, we were involved in similar after school activities as a well. I always thought he was pretty cool, his family seemed nice. We remained friends on FB. Not sure he even knew I was adopted, honestly.

Well, he and his partner adopted some kids a few years ago. It was when I was really going through it trying to overcome my adoption trauma. It was really hard to see his happy posts about growing his family when I was learning that I was basically trafficked via adoption. So I deleted him off all my stuff so I wouldn't have to see the ickiness.

All was good. He never messaged asking why and I was cool with that bcs I still kind of maintained the friendship but also cut out the part I couldn't handle without making him feel bad. Maturity, lol.

But nah. Couple years later my adoptive parents see him with his kid and they tell me what a beautiful child he has and what a wonderful family they are 👍👍👍.

I'm at the stage of my adoption experience where I can finally pick and choose when I wanna share my knowledge of adoption horrors. So at this point, I did not.

But then yesterday he sends me a message saying how wonderful my adoptive parents are and how proud I should be of them and my "amazing" brother, who is also adopted.

It knocked the wind out of me. It's like all the work I've been doing the last few years was just puffed up in to smoke. I was back in the fight or flight mode. But, I kind of let it do it's thing for a bit. I thought about it before I responded. Maybe even waited the whole day.

And my response was really good. It was brief, but also got the point across about the trauma of adoption. It explained pretty much what I explaibed here.

His response was fairly shocking. He basically told me he doesn't believe in reunification and he is working on laws locally to prevent it or something. He actually is a locally well known community organizer. This dude definitely isn't an adoptee himself either. It fucking floored me. I did my best to respond respectfully but, he told me it's best for us both to just not discuss bcs we might "traumatize each other". Lol.

What in the actuall hell is wrong with these people? Why are they such narcissistic assholes? He literally said he doesn't wanna be made to feel bad about how he started his family. I think it was me explaining why that's messed up was what he didn't wanna hear.

Don't know why I am sharing this here. I'm guessing I just needed to get it out. Thanks and sorry if you read this whole thing.

I was raised by my grandparents VIA kinship. My mother was a houseless drug addict and my father was as well when I was born. My mother fled to her home state with me after drug addicts kicked down their apartment door demanding they be paid back after some drug deal. Anyway, my grandparents took me in. My mom was never around much, just off and on a little but she had no maternal instinct. My father would call when I was young and promise to send me gifts occasionally, but they never came. Eventually my grandparents told them to stop coming around because all they would do is hurt me. I was very young when this occured. When I was 17 my grandmother died suddenly from an illness. When this happened my grandfather gave me my biological dads number. We met for the first time. He flew me out to Boston and it felt great. I felt like we really connected. We kept in contact for years and years on social media and he and his wife came out to see us 2X. I also went to see them a few times... fast forward to now. I am 35. My dad just died suddenly at the age of 57. I am sick to my stomach thinking about all the times I begged them to move out to be near us and all the times I asked if they could come for Christmas. They would go to Europe all of the time... multiple times a year... Eventually my step mothers biological daughter had a son, too and they would visit her semi-regularly. I just... was never looked at the same as their kids. It's always messed me up emotionally. There is a hole in my heart that I can't fill and now that my dad has passed away all the feelings are flooding. I don't know what to do. I got mad at my step mom because she always seemed so cold to me. Their family prioritized her family. I remember asking to live with them when I was 22 after my grandfather died and my first sons father left me. We were at risk of becoming homeless (I was a stay at home mom at the time he left and had to scramble to figure everything out). She denied letting me stay with them. My dad was so angry. I brought up some of my feelings about the past and my step mom blocked me and told her family "I am glad I don't have to put up with her anymore". Then as I made the mistake of sharing some of my feelings on my Facebook she began telling my dads friends that I am a liar and that I always hated her... All I wanted was for her to love me. All I wanted was to be a part of their family. I am sick to my stomach. I haven't slept much in 2 days. I haven't eaten. I didn't know where else to turn for emotional support...

Join Isaac Etter and Tony Hynes for a powerful discussion on fostering belonging in schools from the perspective of adoption professionals. Whether you’re a parent, caregiver, educator, or advocate, this event will provide practical strategies and personal stories to help support adopted and looked-after students.

Event Details:

• 📅 Date: Thursday, November 7, 2024
• ⏰ Time: 7:00 PM CST
• 📍 Location: Online
• 🎟️ Register here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/strengthening-school-belonging-insights-from-adoption-professionals-tickets-1024985769027?utm-campaign=social&utm-content=attendeeshare&utm-medium=discovery&utm-term=listing&utm-source=cp&aff=ebdsshcopyurl

What to Expect:

• Personal Stories from adoptees and adoption educators
• Practical Strategies to build connectedness and belonging in schools
• Interactive Q&A to deepen your understanding

This event is designed for anyone passionate about creating inclusive and supportive school environments. Can’t attend live? A recording will be available to all registrants.

Inga-Lill Lundström, a midwife/Swedish expat/entrepreneur, and Anton Fernando from Negombo have, since the 1970s (still operating), built a business around international adoptions from Sri Lanka, earning large sums of money. Both are based in Karlstad, Sweden, and have used their network and adoption documents from their time working with private adoptions in Sri Lanka/Sweden to arrange reunions for Swedish adoptive families and adopted children. Several of the adoptions they have been involved in have been linked to irregularities, such as providing false information to adoptive parents and manipulating documents.

Their involvement in organizing return trips for adopted children they were previously connected with raises many questions. If there is evidence that they knowingly profited from improper adoptions, it could potentially form the basis for an investigation into crimes such as fraud or document forgery, even if it happened many years ago. In adoption practices, ethical guidelines often prohibit key individuals from capitalizing on adoptions through subsequent services—especially if they were directly involved in the process from the beginning.

Their private “hidden business” has received criticism and is seen by many as unethical since it generates significant income from both the adoptions and the reunions. Many believe it is wrong to capitalize on people’s search for their roots and identity in cases where adoptions have already been marked by serious issues.

In Sweden, adoptees and their families have begun to organize to push for better regulation and oversight of international adoptions, with some adoptees also advocating for restitution and support from the state. This movement may eventually lead to stricter oversight of those offering adoption-related services.

It is known that Anton Fernando owns a luxurious house in Sri Lanka with pool and staff. From there, he runs operations for return trips for adoptees who are located through previous networks connected to controversial orphanages, “baby farms,” and adoption networks in Sri Lanka, where figures like Nelson (Neil) Silva, as well as lawyers and caregivers, were previously involved.

Several adoptees have reported having to pay from +50,000 kronor/per person (+$4700) to Inga-Lill Lundström for these return trips and then feeling pressured to pay additional amounts for personal assistance in locating biological family members to Inga-Lill and Anton's network. In some cases, these “family members” have turned out to be manipulated or completely fabricated individuals, a fact discovered when they refused DNA tests or wore face coverings that made them difficult to identify. Many adoptees have been strongly questioned when they asked for proof or were denied direct contact with their alleged biological families. This has led to significant frustration and insecurity among adoptees who simply want clarity regarding their background and origins.

There have also been concerns raised about Inga-Lill’s behavior, as she has reportedly spoken negatively about adoptees on multiple occasions and leaked private, sensitive information about them to other adoptive parents. This lack of discretion and respect for adoptees’ privacy has sparked strong criticism and created a sense of insecurity among many who have come into contact with her.

Each reunion trip she had at least 60 adopted children + parents and siblings and she divided them into two groups. The trip we went on was in December.

Do you have personal experiences with these individuals or their reunions? Feel free to share your stories.

Anyone find your birth parents and feel like you have more similarities to them than your adoptive parents? My husband has recently figured out who his birth parents are. He has two brothers and a sister on his dad’s side and a sister on his mom’s. We have kind of figured out who they are from afar. His adopted dad and him have a pretty crappy relationship (alcoholic, napoleon complex) and it has always affected him. He and his birth dad are insanely similar in hobbies, interests and career. His birth mother is also adopted and she also has a similar career path, interests, etc as him…he feels a strong pull towards them figuring this type of stuff out and hates that he had the life with his adopted dad that he did, feels robbed honestly is what he said.

Did any other adoptees find that they got along better or felt more connected to their birth parents or vice versa? I am trying to help support him without pressing the issue…he’s struggling with reaching out to them or just leaving it be…he said he’s afraid of “being rejected again” from what we gathered his birth dad has no idea he even existed and his birth mom thought a different man was his dad and wasn’t ready to have a baby as she was young…I guess I’m just looking for perspectives from others in a similar situation.

Hi everyone,

I have more or less, a multifaceted question. I was adopted at birth into a very inconsistent family. Only child, often struggled to feel secure at home, struggled to make friends. Only really ever had one friend that would either drop me as a friend or moved schools. I have always found it difficult to make friends, despite my very social and talkative demeanor. It wasn't until the moving process with my boyfriend that I started to feel this very vulnerable and fragile feeling around the idea of other people (Friends, family, boyfriend's friends & family) touching, moving, unpacking our stuff. I've always been "bonded" with material items, stuffed animals, toys, etc. I don't have trouble getting rid of stuff that doesn't have a purpose anymore but I get very upset if something I do care about is broken, ruined, thrown away, etc. I was doing some reading on abandonment trauma, adoption trauma etc and I couldn't find any literature on whether adoptees can have issues with bonding to material items versus people. Has anyone else had this happen before? Do you think it is possible to develop this form of attachment issues?

The Adult Adoptee Movement had a talk with Paul Sunderland this past Sunday. They posted the recording of this talk today on their site adultadoptee.org.uk and on YouTube. Here is the link if you are interested in viewing it https://youtu.be/g8njTJVfsVA. Thank you AAM for putting this together and for sharing this with us.

So, I was adopted. I have 3 sons. 1 of my sons also got adopted 19 years ago. Gonna do ancestry DNA. But, trying to make TWO trees, one for biological DNA roots, one for my adoptive family if he wants to know. GAHH this is complicated. My bio dad died, my adoptive mom died, and adoptive dad was csc sa abuser but the only one to trace the AP tree, bio mom well, we dont really talk. I sent her the tree link.

A brief background for context: I didn’t find out I was adopted until I was around 24 years old. I had a case worker assigned to me by the state to help learn more about my adoption. I live in CA which is a closed state adoption policy, so I was only able to get non identifying information on my bio mom. I lost contact with my case worker during the pandemic and then about 2-3 months ago I was contacted by a search group who found me on ancestry where I left my email to contact me. They have been helping me track down my bio family and about 2 weeks ago I found out I have a half sister on my bio dad’s side.

I was raised by my adoptive mom as an only child. I have a lot of emotional trauma in regards to family and am naturally guarded. I didn’t have anyone to rely on but myself since I was raised an only child in a small family. My adoptive mom’s family has a lot of emotional trauma among other things and are emotionally dysfunctional.

As soon as the search group reached out to me, to tell me the news about having a sister, they asked if they could share my number with her. I figured why not? As I didn’t come all this way to start acting wishy washy now. But not even 10 mins later my bio sister was already calling me! I was shocked and unprepared so after about 15 mins or so I made up an excuse to hang up.

I typically take a long time to process things fully and move slow but I feel like things are moving way faster than I’d like. I’m not looking for another family. One is enough and comes with enough baggage. I sort of just want information and answers. But everyone keeps acting like this is the grandest thing in the world and assuming I’m happy. My bio sister has several siblings (different dad) and 5 children! All of a sudden I have nieces and nephews and a lot more extended family.

To them they are just adding one more person to their family but for me it is like a whole bunch of strangers moving too damn fast :/ I’ve been texting my sister a little back and forth and she just asked if she could give her brother my number which I think is kind of weird? We aren’t related so what could he want my number for??? He is her older brother but we are all adults and they are both older than me by at least a decade.

I am having a difficult time trying to figure out how I should go forward in this as I am realizing my distrust of family in general and trauma are affecting more than I would have thought :/

Edit: I am also doing all this secretly without my adoptive mom knowing despite me still living at home with her

Ok so I’m 44. Was adopted at 36 hours old by two amazing humans. I bonded with them and they gave me a picture perfect childhood. I have nothing but fond memories.

They were always honest with me and told me I was adopted. Which I’m so glad they did.

When I was 20 I found my birth mom. We have had a relationship ever since. She is a really great person and her parents made her give me up and she had a lot of Trauma from that. We’ve touched on it over the years but I didn’t really feel like I had any trauma or was missing out. I felt, and still do, very blessed because all the way around I had good people in my life that loved me and wanted the best for me. And so many others don’t get that love.

But my mom died in January of 2023. My dad had died years ago. I was an only child and no one in the family that raised me has talked to me since my mom’s passing. That’s been hard. Like I’m not really a part of the family that raised me.

So my husband and kids vacation with my birth mother RC, I’ll call her, every year. It’s always a great time.

But we went to stay with them last week and my son and I didn’t want to leave. We essentially have no family where we live and seeing my son run around with his cousins and playing did something to me.

I had a mental breakdown over it when we got home and self destructed and went on a self medicated drunken bender for two days. Thank goodness my husband is wonderful and loves me unconditionally and supports me through each little “episode” I’ve had since 2020 about my adoption. Idk why it all changed then but it did and I keep encountering new feelings about it all. I woke up Monday and called my therapist to work through whatever this is.

All that to say… I now want to dig into my ancestry some more and actually learn where I came from. I’ve don’t ancestry DNA. So has my birth mom and her father. And I have a half sister on my biological dad’s side that’s tested.

I’ve heard of search angels but don’t even know where to begin. Does anyone have advise on a search angel to help me?

i’m only adopted by one parent and the parent who signed his rights over is honestly a POS narcissist. and i swear he acts so entitled to my time and energy! trying to act like it’s MY job to make sure i visit HIM and call and check on HIM. it’s insane like how do you choose drugs and your new family over even trying to be involved with your daughter and then when you feel the time is right and she is of legal age you decide that you’re going to reach out then act like she needs to make the relationship with you work not the other way around. as if you didn’t miss out on 18 years of her life because you’re selfish!!!!! sorry i had to rant hopefully someone here can relate but this is bs!

Anyone else REPEATEDLY get this thrown in their face in various ways throughout their life whenever someone is pissed at or disagrees with you? Like, no one would say after your child dies, "you don't have kids" in anger, or after a spouse does, "you don"t have a husband/wife", but, its FONE for non adootees to sling this like a rock at adoptees in arguments?! EVERY long term relationship (2 husbands, anyone I lived with for any length of time) etc has done this shit in some form or another IF I stayed long enough, then they wondered why I wandered like, no thanks!

There is a new in person adoptee and birth family support group in Greensburg, PA, starting November 9, 2024 at 2pm ET. If interested, you can go to this Eventbrite link https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1047050214377?aff=oddtdtcreator or find out more at Concerned United Birthparents (CUB). This group is led by an adoptee and birth mom. The group will meet the second Saturday of each month.

Will add more later. LSS he was bitchin about me not that's NOT drinking. What an @"@&$-&. Tgen calls bm an effin liar. Like really bro ? WTF does that have to do with me ? Jackass. Rant over for now.

My adoptive mom is at a point where she is super jealous of any contact I have with my birth family.

I found my birth mom when I was 27. Met birth father and his family the following year. It has been a good thing in my life, and also for my husband and son.

We moved to the U.S. when my son was a few months old, away from all of our family. My adoptive family is a bit dysfunctional (all families are but there was some pretty bad stuff at times) We recently moved even further away from our families (ie more hours of travel, a much longer drive from where they are in Canada).

This has become a solid bone of contention. My adoptive parents are elderly and cannot just travel wherever without a bit of undertaking. For example my dad is not a great driver so it would be all on mom, and I don’t see that going well on such a long trip. It’s a short flight but you’d think booking a flight was equal to a constitutional amendment.

My adoptive mom is upset any time she becomes aware I’ve had contact with my birth family. It’s like she keeps tally marks on how often and what kind of contact. I could call her every day and it wouldn’t be enough. She will never call me though. It’s all on me. Lots of scapegoating. My brother was the scapegoat when we were younger but I’m the bad kid who moved so now it’s me.

Here’s the screwy part. My folks were wisely advised to be open about me being adopted, and they were very honest with me and my brother. They shared with little they had been told about both of our bio families. And both of us have ended up making contact with and developing relationships with our bio families with their support. Until recently.

I guess I just wish I could be honest with my adoptive mom about how our life is and have it not be a big thing all about her. We just had a really good visit with some of my birth family and I wish I could tell her about it. But I can’t because she will get all hurt and upset about how she hasn’t visited us where we live now.

I think I've penned this before in this sub but I can't find it. I struggle off and on with the fact that my birthmom decided to reject me after meeting me once and that she pretends I don't exist. I have a half brother on her side of the family and I really want to get to know him. I reached out on fb a couple of months ago but I got no answer. my half sister on my birthdads side helped me find a few more avenues for contact and we believe he is 19 or 20 but I'm having a hard time finding that info. I understand he could have gotten the message and decided not to respond and I also understand maybe he thinks I'm lying or he knows about me thru my birthmoms negative perview (I was not particularly subtle when I went looking for more answers)... But I guess I just need more info or better advice from unbiased people: should I persu this? Is this invasive and incorrect?

Does anyone know of a therapist who is trained in adoption trauma and is available in the UK?

Thank you.

I've been communicating with my bio family for about a year now. I've met my bio mom twice at her relative's house only two hours away from me, but the question that, while hasn't been phrased this way, is when are you going to visit "home."

I want to go...

My bio father passed and we couldn't go to the funeral because we "had already scheduled other plans" (we could have canceled them... but I digress...)

I ask about going, and my husband says, "Have you told your adoptive mom?"

But it's not like he cares... they have a relationship worthy of other threads.

I say I want to go and he says we can "when I clean my office..." that I haven't done in 20 years, so he says, "Basically, never."

I've been trying... but that's a different depression/ADHD discussion...

Why can't I go by myself? I work, but he makes about 20x as much as I do. I *might* be able to pay for gas to get there, but he could pay for a hotel room, dinners while we're there, etc.

My question is, how do I get my spouse on board?

If I can't, how do I explain to my bio family my husband is an a$$hole who tries to keep me away from my adoptive family and is doing the same to you?

Yay me.

I'm gaining a breakthrough with my healing.

I don't want to post too much as I would like to stay anonymous. (Would love a community to trust to share more but obviously not reddit).

Anyways, I have met both sides of my bio family and it's not been ideal AT ALL.

You know that weird, out of place and misunderstood feeling you think you may resolve when meeting your birth family?.... Mine was fleeting to say the least.

I have spent 10+ years to get to a place where the hole in my heart has finally scabbed over and fell off.

Of course I'll have the scar but now its solid "skin". It's firm scar tissue.

I wish it was different. But it's not.

I understand and have true acceptance of what is, who they are and forgiveness for what hasn't been.

Yeah I'm a bit sad it's not ideal but I'm also a bit sad I missed the sale at Macy's.

Keep healing my friends. It's a continuous process but I pray you reading this can have peace too.

So my mom and I have gotten into an argument. She insists I owe her stuff. I told her that I’d didn’t ask to be adopted or anything. I’ve struggled a lot and I have chronic post traumatic stress disorder. I told her she owes it to me to be able to have conversations on topics surrounding my adoption and race. In her good old fashioned nature, she’s stopped talking to me. I’m tired and annoyed. I still have my maternal Grampa and my Aunt who are really lovely and supportive. I’m just not sure how to deal with it and just walkout. I want to say “you failed as a mom if you can’t talk about this. You owe me this conversation at the very least”. It usually becomes about how upset she is and about her. I want to leave but I don’t want to loose my second parent. I cut off my Dad because he’s abusive on every level — that’s why parents got divorced and my mom is upset I cut him off.

I don’t talk to my Dad anymore but when I was younger I’d try and talk about my biological mother around my adoptive mom. She would get really upset and sometimes drag me out of social events faster than i could keep up if I talked about my biological mom.

Now, I want to have some conversations with my adoptive mom about racism I experience, adoption, being and orphan, and reconnecting with my people which she promised me as a kid but changed her mind because I came from a “bad country” which didn’t feel great to hear.

Anyways she ignores any attempts at having a conversation and switches things around to me being ungrateful and that I owe her, though I feel she owes it to me to have these conversation, especially because she choose to adopt.

She tried to adopt from two other countries before the country she got me from, so thats why she ended up with me and she wanted a mixed-race kid with a rich and exotic history.

Idk. I feel upset and a bit crazy. Does she owe it to me to have a conversation about these topics? I feel like having a conversation about this could strengthen our relationship and connection because she doesn’t seem to understand what I deal with, esp on the race part.

She had asked for evidence that I have experience racism and refused to accept my experience if I don’t have evidence.

I just don’t understand adoptive parents who adopt kids but don’t want to have these conversations. Like why adopt in the first place?

Im adopting children I've had in my care through foster care for several years. I'm seeking any advice anyone might be willing to offer. This will be a transracial adoption (I'm white and they are black). Trying to be mindful but open to others' thoughts that I might have a blindspot to. Thank you!

Another excellent (and sad) discussion about babies being stolen, this time from Italy. The truth will out.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/italy-catholic-adoption-program-60-minutes/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab5j&linkId=621604701&fbclid=IwY2xjawF5O4BleHRuA2FlbQIxMAABHcKYnWAPZSOnfudk6RITbWtPevrU45-FzwBtfyBee4Y55IsWnkfGKP_N_Q_aem_7BR8JQFAwQo0zii3tjsLgw

When I joined this reddit a few weeks ago, I didnt get the word "fog". Didnt know what people were talking about.Then someone explained it. I said ok thats what it is. Sent the papers to for my son to fond me, and it started me processing, and now, God is starting to walk me through it, and pointing it out, and I get it, the fog, what it is, what that word means, and all that comes with it. If I hadn't found this Reddit, I would not understand what I am going through right now, at least what it IS. Its like, now I know, that green shit is grass, but I have 0 understanding of the nature of grass, or what to expect from grass, or what to be prepared for from grass, replace grass with fog and thats where Im at.

Update: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. The reason I didnt remember Obligation is because God had walked me through Obligation before with prior trauma healing, so that part is something we came through without the FOG label prior to this, and I understand. I dealt with the fear and guilt from the being an adoptee, but have not dealt with it as a bio, from that side, and man that feels so much bigger than the fear and guilt as an adoptee.

I know one thing, He's never let me out of a "healing box" he dropped me in before, wont start now, and out is THROUGH, so, easier to just start walking, 0 point in resistance or attempted escape. "If you run, you only die tired."

My name is Magali, I was born in Sri Lanka and adopted at 2 months old by French parents. For years I was angry and I could not understand why this happened to me. I hated everything and everyone around me even though I was surrounded by loving family members and friends. I went back to Sri Lanka to visit the country with my parents when I was 16 years old and met in person with my bio mom and some bio family members. After I met with them it took me a lot of time to process my emotions, triggers, questions and everything that came up. I never felt like I had anyone I could talk to about my adoption journey and had to figure out most of the things on my own. I grew up in a supportive family but seeing a therapist was not something people did where I grew up so I didn’t really talk to anyone that could help me. I started learning and using some self development tools and teachings over the past few years. I feel better now and I feel like I finally came out of the fog. I can now talk about my story and how I overcame some of my deepest challenges. I am sharing this with you today because I want to help other adoptees in need of guidance or people wanting to talk to someone that can understand them at some level. I understand that everyone has a different story and different perspectives and needs but if you need to be heard and want someone you can talk to, I would love to chat with you. This is an interview I did a few months ago in case you want to know me a bit more before chatting https://youtu.be/FNSJU83QMEs?si=MaFPyxXTUdpyoe10

I wish you all healing and love 🤍