This is what I thought of my parents.

I was adopted not too long after I entered foster care because I was told my parents were in prison. They have no problem telling you what they want you to hear and nothing more. It wasn't a problem for me until I got my first job. My manager told me he knew my mother and encouraged me to contact her. The person who adopted me didn't like the idea at all and said I wasn't showing gratitude for bringing it up. I thought about that for a long time and wondered how long I was supposed make decisions in my life based on if they showed enough gratitude. Why am I supposed to be so grateful? Years ago, I found the contract between the agency and the people I was placed with. They were paying them $1600 a month. I gave up the idea of ever contacting my family mostly because I was afraid to because I had been told my whole life they were criminals. Last year, a new employee started at the store where I work. A customer asked if we were sisters. We laughed and said no. After talking for a while we discovered we were cousins. I will never forget the smile on her face when she said "After work, you are going with me." Terrified and anxious I knew deep down, I wanted to go. Within hours I found myself in a house when an older woman walked into the room. She took one look at me and tears began to stream down her face. She threw her arms around me and whispered in my ear, "I have been asking God for years not to let me die without seeing you again." This turned out to be my Grandma. That night, one by one, I met my whole family. I was happier than I had ever been. The only bad thing about that day was finding out that my parents had never been in prison. They were still together and I had a brother.

Now that I am where I belong during the holidays and any other day for that matter, I don't have any desire to spend any time with the people I used to live with. I refuse to call them Mom or Dad and I don't want their last name. Can I get a copy of my original birth certificate and if so, can I begin to use my real name? After all, I was adopted and my name was changed without my consent. I realize children can't consent to things of this nature but now that I am an adult I should be able to say which family I want to be with and what my name is. I don't like making anyone feel badly but I also feel that when you lie, you should be prepared for the fact that the truth may come out and if it does, there will be consequences. I don't want to confuse my future children by having people in my life that want me to pretend they are my family. Especially since these pretenders talk sh*t about my family they have never met and my true family never says a bad word about them even though I would understand if they did.

okay guys it was NOT awkward this year. but the food is so bad yall. usually my plate is full of soul food and i eat like 3 plates 😭 today i had one plate of ham and rice then store bought dessert. not complaining but coming from a cooking family before was nice. i miss my moms food 🥹

☠️ i was adopted later in life (16) and im 17 now just have to stare at these random people all day and make awkward convo with them while they all talk to each other. literally feels like highschool lunch. then once i get home they’re all gonna gossip about me and probably say i came off as rude or too quiet. yayy

26F I spent the better part of my teen years in foster families in the south, none of them kept any contact after I was 18(kicked out on my birthday lol) and I haven’t seen or contacted my birth family in a decade as I’ve disowned them because of unhealthy/abusive conditions. I just felt I needed to share the just profound loneliness I feel around the holidays. I don’t have a mother or a father or siblings. I’m so frustrated that this feeling comes around every year and anyone I speak with about it just doesn’t understand, they can call their families, they have relationships with their families, the hugs, the acceptance, the loving without condition. I barely have friends, the only ones I do have are through my boyfriend as they’re friends he grew up with. I’m just out here shooting through life without that bond that regular people have in their family units and I genuinely feel like I’m annoying the people around me by wanting to hang out more to fill that void when they’re busy spending time with their own family. I feel like a big nuisance during these times and I honestly wish I could just turn it off so I wouldn’t be such a bother. Sorry for ranting my new therapist isn’t available until next month 😅

Partner and I have lived together 14 years. He is a LT Colonel in the Army NG, as well a successful civilian DOD GS 13. I am currently working on my Masters in education, and have some rental properties, etc. No children of our own. We could certainly try to have a baby (no fertility issues), but honestly, neither of us feel pulled in that direction. I know this probably sounds crazy... but I feel pulled more towards the teens.. I have a very close friend who had a horrific childhood, ended up an orphan /foster, but fortunately had a few people come into his life that influenced him and ultimately introduced him to the military and eventually the state police! He has said about how very close it could have been for his life to go in a completely different and horrible direction! And it always left an impact on me.

I don't feel the desire to be a mother of a toddler... I know, that apparently goes against the definition of being a woman and motherhood, yada, yada.. BUT I do feel we have a home, a very stable life, and have been blessed with waaay too overly involved, loving, huge families to share with those who might be wishing for those things... I feel much more up for the challenge of working through learning coping skills, and critical thinking skills, providing educational and transitional support, and a family environment.

I know that the levels of trauma for many of the kids is often unimaginable... But, does it ever work out OK with teens and tweens? Am I being Naive? Any happy endings?

I felt cornered and gave up our foster child who was on the path to adoption. As soon as I felt protective of my current family and formed questions, the social worker started harrasing us with misinformation, talked poorly of us to everyone involved, and let the case worker attack us, ect. And that started even before we actually asked any questions. The social worker might have suggested that our questions were not worthwhile. There was absolutely no trust.

It was insanity so we put a stop to it. I was naive to think they might ask us to think again. But right away, the social worker gave our day care a two weeks notice as if she was waiting for this so bad, and exactly after two weeks, she came by and took him. At least for that two weeks, harrassment completely stopped and it was so peaceful. Family was happy.

After all that, our agency called. They said they didn't know who to place with us anymore because he was one of the "easiest" child they had. And what all the lies the social worker told them and how the county therefore couldn't work with us anymore. They even went as far as saying that the county never wanted us to adopt him in the first place, which of course again didn't match what we had been told. They said they were closing our home.

This happened a month ago, and I am still processing it. I am wondering whether I was cut out for fostering at all as someone who gets triggered when not trusted, or even actually wanted to do it. Or if we just had very bad luck with the social worker.

When we asked the agency during the call if we still can foster in a different state when we move there, they sounded like they were threathening. "Yes, but if they ever contact us, we got to tell them honestly about what happened." Does that mean we should forget about fostering for good? Maybe we should never do it again. I'm mostly upset that we have a record of some sort somewhere saying we weren't good parents, which I know is a lie.

We have had a sibling set for over a year, one of which we got from birth. Things were heading towards TPR, a month ago we were told by DHS, CASA/GAL, and all lawyers involved that that was what was going to happen. Fast forward a month, someone higher up in DHS disagrees, overrules everyone, and TR starts in a couple of weeks. I don't feel like getting into the details for a lot of reasons, just a warning to be careful out there. Guard your hearts. This is going to hurt.

I’m interested in helping foster kids, but I couldn’t find any information about it in the FAQ. Does anyone have any resources or guidance on how to get involved?

Please has anyone got advice on how to stop the second part from ending her rights to my siblings and I from occurring?? I don't even know whats going on, will I get to choose?? What happens in the second part? No one will tell me a damn thing, they keep talking to me about it like i'm four. I can't loose my family.

When I was 14, we was at my foster care friends house, we was watching a tv show with a bit of adult humour I laughed a few times, then then told me to stand outside the room wile they watched the rest, wile there bio daughter who was 13 was in aloud to watch it

When we got back my foster carers said the best but with your behaviour yesterday I can say get out my sight and not feel bad about it like earlier

I've got three kids, two of whom are in long-term foster care with me.

We see their mum regularly, have built up a great relationship with her, when the younger first came into care I'd sit and chat with her during family time for 4 hours a week, and my middle child would occasionally come too and play with her. She's funny and likeable and just had a really shitty time as a kid and young adult.

She died yesterday morning in an accident. I don't know when or if they'll be a funeral, but if there isn't we will definitely be doing something to honour her. The kids know (they are 1,2 and 6) but the youngest obviously don't have much of an actual understanding. The eldest is definitely grieving, but also just herself, playing and reading stories and cuddling, with occasional statements of "my mum died" and asking how she died (which we answer as best we can, but unfortunately we don't have many details yet).

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. It's just so sad, for the kids and for us. She really was someone that I thought would be a permanent part of my life and a friend.

All the resources I've found on parental death focus on the death of a caregiver parent, or they're personal anecdotes about dealing with the death of an absent parent. Not a parent you see regularly but can't leave with.

This just sucks. We've lost their mum and the whole family history around her because the rest of her family is estranged and/or we've been advised to never contact them for safety reasons. The kids will have so many questions that we won't ever be able to answer now.

We are exploring the possibility of being foster parents. We are getting a great deal of feedback that we are not a couple that the county foster care agency wants. We are both professionals with graduate degrees. We travel internationally for work. I'm an attorney, but not an adoption attorney. We have infertility problems and are not able to have children. And lastly, we are interested in adopting from foster care, so that the county foster care director states we are not committed to reunification. And we own a farm in a rural part of our state. The foster care director states they prefer couples in subdivisions.

So before I start grilling our county's director about legal violations, can someone explain why were are not considered a good foster care couple and how can the county's foster care agency prevent someone from fostering and eventually adopting?

We are in the process of adopting our FD and it has been requested that we take HER for fingerprinting. I know we went through it as adults in our licensing process, but it's strange to me that they are fingerprinting the youth in care when my biological daughter was never fingerprinted after she was born. If this were asked of my BD, I would be questioning the reasoning and storage, use, access, etc. but with a FD, obviously we're compliant with any DCFS directives and so my husband is taking her today. I was curious if any adoptive parents dug into this. Once the adoption is final, can I request the removal of these from whatever database? I'm not a government conspiracy theorist, just a concerned future mom wanting to advocate for my future child's best interests and privacy. Curious what others found/did...

Hi! I swear I get on here every other week asking a new question. But I rather ask yall then wait a week for a response from my social worker. So in the past few years my anxiety has been like REALLY BAD I mean random panic attacks in school bad, and depression isn't any better(my depression is js me feeling rlly sad sometimes sewersidal but I don't rlly have any diagnosis so yeah). And my main and only stress reliever for YEARS has been animals, dogs, cats, rats it didn't matter it was just having it there with me brought me to peace. But recently it's been really bad due to places I get placed having no animals or me not having one with me. So I was wondering if I could file for an emotional support animal for a cat...I have a breeder willing to give me a cat so I can but I'm not sure if I can while in foster care. But I really want to try and get one I feel like it'd ease my troubles so much. But I don't know.

My husband and I were recently licensed and have had 2 very short very young placements (5M and 8moF) that both ended up going to kin after only a few days with us. We are very new to this and trying to learn and prepare ourselves for placements that last longer than just a few days.

What things did your foster parents do for you that was positive? What things do you wish they did differently?

Some of the things I'm have that I hope will be positive: I have extra bedding in different colors and themes so when a kid comes in they can choose what bedding seems most comfortable for them. I also have different curtains, one set of blackout and one set that lets more light in so they can let me know their preference.

I have a mini fridge in the closet of the room so they can have space for their food. I will insist that the fridge gets cleaned regularly, either the kid clean it and allow me to check or let me clean it. I don't want sticky spills in it or old rotting food (hopefully that isn't an invasion of privacy)

I have extra backpacks and gym bags and stuff for if they are ever needed that I am happy for kids to take with them when they leave my house.

I have plans to take them to the store to show me what foods they like to eat and get some snacks that they can keep that are just theirs. Also let them get body wash toothpaste and other toiletries that are to their preference.

I have empty picture and poster frames and command strips so we can personalize the decorations in the room, I'm happy to pick up any posters they want and order prints of pictures.

We keep lots of games all the time. Things that can be played alone or with other people in the house. I also have a huge supply of fidget toys.

I have a schedule posted on our fridge.

We are religious but only have 2 pictures in the whole house that depict religious imagry and want to make sure kids know we won't ever force our religion on them and want them to feel free to express their beliefs. (We are Christian, but also have a lot of Jewish family, and celebrate Jewish holidays and we also have a Ganesh statue in our home that was given to us by a Hindu friend)

We have tried to avoid any political imagery in our home. I do have some posters for our favorite sports teams but am not opposed to hanging things for teams that a kid in our home favors.

I really do want to have a welcoming safe environment and I don't want anyone in our home to feel like we are trying to replace their first families. I want the kids we care for to feel comfortable opening up to us and I want to do everything I can to both give them the space they need, while also being there for them when they need connection too.

I knew things werent right and didn't feel good but now that your an adult you look back in rage and disgust. Now that i am 36 and understand how the world works and how utterly fucked I am compared to my peers who had decent enough parents. Does anybody feel like they have conceded to the fact that they are irreparably screwed?

for the longest time i thought this was just a “me thing” but i see more teens speak up about it.

i was never legally in foster care, but went through around seven different homes with family, family friends, and friends starting at age 11/10 after my mom died. i was consistently disrupted/replaced/kicked out into new places.

often times these placements were abusive, but when i told CPS they would essentially tell me to suck it up because there was nowhere else i could go and i was a “common denominator” and taking away resources from “real” foster kids. i was in homes where food would be moldy or expired, locked up for hours to days at a time, i experienced a lot of medical abuse and neglect, and this eventually progressed into physical abuse at my current home.

i had evidence my current home is abusive, such as scarring from cutting/hitting/beating that i’ve reported multiple times over the years but CPS just meets me with hatred each time. eventually they just admitted that whatever happened to me is probably true but they can’t/won’t do anything and i need to get over it because i’ll be 18 soon and i have “a pattern” of this, still reiterating that i was lying solely because i was a teenager and foster teens lie to “get out of trouble.”

i thought i was alone in this experience until i saw a news report about a child who was being assaulted by her father, and the law enforcement involved told her the SAME THING. that she was lying because she didn’t want her phone taken, and that she’d better be telling the truth because otherwise she’d ruin everyones life for lying about her foster father. and then i read the comments and saw thousands of other people recalling similar experiences.

also unrelated, but this is why i can’t stand when people tell me to just call cps or the police about my current housing. i have, like at least five times, and the outcome is just worse each time.

sorry this was extensively long 😅 but can anyone else relate?

Okay so our baby takes 7 ounces every 4 hours. His visits are four hours long once a week.

At first we were sending a bottle with water and then the formula separately. We then discovered that the parent was only using one scoop of formula for the whole bottle. We asked facilitator about it. They said they would keep an eye on it and yet it happened again. So they told us to premake the bottles.

So we started making a bottle right before we leave and sending it with the kiddo. Well today the mom was asking when the bottle had been made (it was about 15 minutes.) Then we found out she dumped out the whole bottle and just filled it with orange juice instead.

So I kinda feel like there's no point in sending any bottle or formula moving forward because I don't know what else to do.

Thoughts?

About a year ago my wife was struggling with drug addiction and her behavior was out of control. After a few failed attempts to help get her help a relative made a referral to CPS for my 2 kids. I knew they were going to make a referral and I supported it because I didnt understand that I would be excluded from my children as well. My mother in law offrered to take our kids while my wife and I worked towards getting her help. I thought this was best so my kids didnt have to see their mom struggle anymore. I willingly allowed my kids to go stay with my inlaws under the agreement that they would come home when things were more stable, a few weeks or month at the most. Upon CPS involvement the same week, the CPS worker instructed my Mother in law to apply for guardianship so the kids wouldnt get taken into the foster system. By time I realized that I was no longer the authority over my children it was too late. We have been going to court every few months and the judge recognizes I am a healthy parent, not on drugs, very stable, etc. My wife has since gone to rehab and moved into her own place because we separated due to her drug use. The issue is I have not been able to get the judge in probate court to give me legal guardianship of my own children and he keeps putting off resolution until the next court date. I cant understand whaat grounds they have to keep my children from me. I need advice and probably a lawyer. I know I have probably left out important details so please feel free to ask questions if it will help. TYIA

Hi everyone!! For those of you who don't know me, I've been organizing a small Christmas/winter holiday project on this sub and the ex-foster sub for the last couple of years. Basically, people who aged out of care can sign up to receive a small Christmas gift and a card from someone, and people (mostly from this sub, so mostly in some capacity involved in foster care or child welfare) can sign up to be Santas/sponsors by sending a Former Foster Youth a small gift and card. I have a full FAQ about this in my last post.

I love to be transparent, so I wanted to give everyone a little update. So far ten FFY have signed up--eight from America, one from Canada, and one from the U.K. Nineteen people have signed up to be Santas, and of those nineteen, twelve signed up to send a card and gift to two people instead of one. I'm really pleased by this turnout, because I was hoping to have enough Santas/sponsors to match every FFY with multiple (ideally I'm aiming for three each) Santas/sponsors, just because I know people may forget, or have sudden health issues, or something may come up that prevents them from following through with the Santa-ing. A lot of FFY have experienced being very let down by people and systems in the past, so I'd hate for people to be vulnerable enough to ask for help and share a lot about themselves, only to be let down again.

That said, we could use a couple more sponsors/Santas, especially ones from outside the USA or who can ship outside the USA. Right now we have one who can ship to Canada and two who can ship to a country outside the US or Canada. I'd ideally like to get it to three on each of those, for the reasons I mentioned above, and maybe we'll need more if more FFY outside the USA sign up. I plan to close the form for FFY in about a week, to make sure everyone who's active on these subs has had a chance to see my posts and sign up. Worst case scenario, if suddenly several FFY outside the USA sign up (which I think is unlikely--we had a total of ten FFY last year and I posted and commented several times) and someone doesn't get matched I'll send them a gift and card myself.

The messages the FFY have included in their forms (here's the form to sign up as a FFY!) have been really lovely. A lot of people, when asked if there was a type of gift they'd particularly like, said that just a card or a note would be really appreciated. The holidays can be very, very lonely for FFY--they are for me, which is why I started this project.

Anyway, here's the tentative timeline--I'll close the form for FFY in about a week, and aim to have matching done by around the 20th, so that people have a little over a full month to make/buy and ship their gift and card. I figure that's especially necessary given that some packages may be going internationally. I'll email everyone their match with a PDF attachment of their match or matches' completed forms. The forms have some info about their lives, clothing sizes, favorite food, allergies, etc., and of course their addresses and contact info (either an email or a Reddit username.) Then you'll be free to shop or craft something for your match and mail it off.

If participating in this sounds appealing to you, the form for Christmas sponsors/Santas is here.

As a final note, I want to thank everyone on this subreddit who's commented in support of the project or signed up to be a Santa. When I was in care I hated Christmas, because it made me feel like nobody cared about me. I remember one year as a teenager, sitting in my group home, the literal only teen there who hadn't been taken out for the day by some kind of family member or friend. I had no one. I certainly didn't get any gifts that year. By contrast, this project shows me that many, many people care about Former Foster Youth. Last year alone we had forty Santas. That's so many people sacrificing their own time and money to ensure that a FFY feels connected during the holidays and gets to have the relatively "normal" experience of receiving a Christmas gift. It means a lot to me that people care enough to do that.

I am so screwed. Oh my god I can't believe how bad I messed that one up. I had a few small sips as a final toast to my Dad to end our tradition, where he would drink with his friends at the beginning of the month and give me swig of his drink. We did it everytime without fail. He was always the chillest on those days so I wanted one last one. They think I'm asleep right now but I heard them find it and I'm actually shaking. This was the worst idea ever, I have too much to lose in court tomorrow and I wouldn't doubt it for a second that they will inform my caseworker.

EDIT: I've typed a message to them six times now but I keep freaking out before i can send it. How am I supposed to be able to talk to people who are practically strangers about this?

EDIT #2: I finally worked up the courage to tell them in the car on the way to court today. I almost threw up and they want me to talk about it in therapy, (which was apparently happening regardless) and I have no doubt that it will come up at my home visit tomorrow.

i spent most of my life in foster care. after exiting, i find it hard to cope. i’m in an extremely toxic relationship and cannot leave because i have nowhere to go. i’m no-low contact with all of my family. she tells me to kill myself and says she hopes i die over every minor issue. today it was because i didn’t text her back with enough energy. i can’t do it anymore and idk what to do. i’m very close to giving up. sorry if i worded things badly im just extremely tired mentally.

Hi everyone. I hope you’re all having a really nice start to your week. I am 18, about to be 19 and spent 5 yrs in foster care before being reunited with my dad a few months ago. The 5yrs we were separated were not easy; I know they had to be very hard for him too. He was incarcerated for a bit and worked hard to stabilize himself to be able to have visitation and a place for me to visit. I don’t want to trauma dump here but things from my past that happened in foster care still really affect me. I am struggling right now. A lot. There are times when I want to talk to him and tell him why I am quiet or withdrawn, but I also don’t want to be the reason he feels guilt or shame or relapses. I have told myself many times I need to just find a way to let go of things but the holidays hurt a lot. Last year at this time going into spring of this year was absolutely the hardest time of my life. I am trying to move on but when my dad makes comments about me being antisocial or not the kid he remembers I try to respectfully say I am not a kid anymore. It’s a very hard thing to navigate I guess. Idk. I have no friends to ask but I was just wondering if others have had trouble reconnecting with family members after being in foster care? Did you tell your parents things that went on or did you find peace in keeping it to yourself or sharing with someone you trust? Idk I just feel very alone so much of the time but it’s hard to let people in anymore. And being with my dad now isn’t the best choice I’ve made. I walk around on eggshells and his girlfriend (who lives with us) is a nightmare. I am trying the best I can :/

So a few days ago my dad passed from an overdose in our house while my mom was out doing less than legal things. Long story short he's dead she's in jail so my siblings and I all got taken into CPS custody. We're a rather large group so no one would take us together. I ended up i a house without any of them and I just want to know they're OK. My social worker won't tell me shit. I've been between three social workers already because they're trying to balance the workload or something, but it ultimately means I have no way of knowing if even my baby sister is going to be alright. Have any of you gone through this before? All I know is one of them was already brought to a second placement around 24 hours after getting into the first house.

EDIT: I finally got confirmed for weekly visits with four of the six siblings, and bi-weekly with the other two!!!!