So I've been on here before lol Hi guys. So I have a question, I'm 15 foster kid and idk what's it's called but the county I'm from is SF or Bay Area so they've moved me hours away from ir before and my brother too. I have no friends where they wanna place me(I'm in emergency placement rn) but I wanna go to LA(?) because I have some friends and family out there. Would I be allowed to be placed out there or is it to far from my county?

I am asking this for a dear friend, he is an amazing dad, absolutely nothing related to child neglect/abuse, but he got locked up, his child in his custody then was taken into foster care after a failed safety plan. The mother is/has been MIA & has not attended any ISP (I think that is what it's called) meetings. The father was at the end of completing his parenting classes/drug court etc. while he was out on bond when they came and rearrested him for the same crime he was initially arrested for and out on bond for. The reasoning for this is that he was on parole (nonviolent offense). So, my question is, does he have a legal right to speak with his son? He is awaiting a parole revocation decision while in a county jail. The caseworker's words to me were, " we were almost there" meaning he was a week away from having custody back. Is there any law that states the foster parents cannot deny him speaking with his son? They already refused a visit with a grandparent (although the grandparent was not blood related but blood related to the little boys half brother). Do the foster parents have a legal right to refuse to let him have a phone call with his son (from jail)?

Hi! Some of you will remember me, and some won't, but for the past couple of years I've organized a little project on this subreddit where I matched people who aged out of care with an adult or family who wanted to play Santa to them during the holiday season. As we all know, the holidays can be extremely lonely, isolated, and triggering for Former Foster Youth. I aged out of care myself, and I know that during the holidays I'm always reminded of how it seems like everyone has a family besides me. Growing up in care, I didn't usually receive any holiday gifts or cards. It was a dark time of year that left me feeling like I hated Christmas. I knew that other FFY must be feeling similarly, so that's why I started this project.

How does it work?

If you're a FFY who would like to receive a little surprise in the mail during the holiday season, you can fill out this form. If you'd like to send a gift to someone from care for the holidays, you can fill out this form. I'll have everyone matched with a sponsor before December, so that there's plenty of time to make or buy a gift and send it.

Is there a minimum amount I'd have to spend?

No! The goal of this project is to help FFY feel less alone during the holidays, not help FFY get flashy new stuff. Anecdotally, because this is about helping people feel connected to other people during a difficult time of year, from the messages I've gotten it seems like handmade gifts and notes are often the most special to FFY. Though you obviously don't have to make something if you aren't crafty! It's more about a feeling of connection.

How do you make sure everyone participating is legit?

Right now I don't really do anything to verify that someone was really in care. This subreddit is small enough and foster care focused enough that I'm not super worried about someone faking, and on the off chance someone did, I figure if anyone is scamming for mittens, chocolate, and a card, they probably need human kindness as much as FFY do.

Is there an age limit?

When I was first conceptualizing this project a few years ago, I did conceive of it as being something for people who aged out of care relatively recently, like ages 18-25ish. That's still the majority of FFY who've participated in recent years, but I've changed my stance on this. This project is now to help FFY of all ages. A lot of FFY, myself very much included, have complex relationships with age and aging, because as you grow in foster care you become less desirable to foster parents and less likely to be fostered or adopted, and more likely to spend time in congregate care settings. A lot of people feel like they've become less worthy and less valuable as they've gotten older, and that's not a feeling I want to perpetuate. Aging out of care is also a really traumatic experience, and I don't want to re-perpetuate that feeling or experience with the idea that people could age out of this little project. It's for all FFY.

Who should I reach out to if there are delivery issues?

You can reach out to your FFY directly, because they'll supply either an email or a Reddit username so they can be contacted with questions and so on.

What do we need the most?

We especially need Santas who are able to ship to countries outside the USA, because we have FFY from Canada and from the UK this year, and so far only one Santa/sponsor who’s able to ship to other countries.

I think those are my main Frequently Asked Questions, but if you have any feel free to reach out, and feel free to share this with anyone you think could benefit from it. A Christmas gift is something small, but it makes the holidays feel a lot less lonely, as I know from experience. And this project has facilitated some long-lasting friendships. There are people from last year still in touch with their sponsors from last year.

Thank you for reading, and for considering being part of it, either as a FFY or as a sponsor. You're all part of making holiday magic happen for people the holidays have often been rough for.

Adult Survivor of Foster Care- Dealing with folks at the Social Security office, mean and insensitive security guards at the hospital, the police all remind me of uncaring social workers and people of the system. I completely avoid them when possible. Any interaction leaves me rageful and brings flashbacks and pain from the past.

Can you relate and how do you cope?

hi everyone im 16 and i i've been living in a foster family for almost 2 years now.

im super lucky to be there and i actually knew them for a long time before that, but living with them is so different and honestly stressful. their dynamic is very different than what im used to and at least to me it seems they dont understand that.

my fosters mom doesnt treat me badly and even kind of treats me much more gently than her bio-kids, but she also never really explains the 'unspoken' rules of the house so i often get her biological kids accidentally in trouble.

her kids (one of them a long time friend of mine) always tell me it's fine and that she's always like that but it honestly stresses me a lot, any tips on calming myself down or getting used to the environment?

My husband and I (both 25m) are planning on doing long-term foster placement of teens (12+). Our licensing worker says that we are as prepared as we can be. However, I know that that doesn't mean its guaranteed to have us prepared for the real thing. We are supposed to get our first placement in two to three months. Their room is furnished with the basics and some different types of weighted blankets and lights but not much else. It would be two siblings of the same sex sharing a room or one child. We have pets in the house and we have made sure to make dedicated space for them in case they are overwhelming to the teens at first. They are very milded mannered and sweet, but it can still be a lot to get used to if that new to you. We were also informed that we would likely be placed with kids that would be far away from home due to the high demand of placements for teens. I felt suddenly overwhelmed by the idea of them being so far from home and how to make sure they can stay in contact with family and how to support reunification when there is so much distance physically. It was the only thing I had been suprised by so far. I have worked with foster youth in the past but I have moved to a new town since then. The kids would never be home alone for more than an hour with our work. We wanted to make sure someone could always take them to school, pick them up, make food for them, and help with homework. Logistically things seems to work pretty well on paper.

Here's where my question comes in. What would you wish your foster parents would have know or done differently while you were in there care? To you personally what makes a good and/or positive foster home? I go to support groups for foster parents and try to ask questions when it feels appropriate to do so. While it is nice to listen and ask questions it makes the conversations feel one sided. I'd like to hear from former foster youth more than anyone. I do watch videos on tiktok and youtube from foster youth but it seems pretty limited to sharing the horrible experiances. Which is 100% valid! It's given me a long list of things to never do but I'm struggling to find examples of what foster youth would find helpful in a more meaningful why then just following basic morals and the law. I'd like us to do what we can to be the best we can be for these kids. I would also love to hear more ideas for things to get for their room and the home in general.

We have a foster child(8 years old) that been with us for a few weeks. The child has no family. We put the child to bed and they are sound asleep. In the middle of night, I trip over the child because they came in our bedroom and sleep on the floor at the foot of our bed. I pick up the kid and put them back in their bed. In the morning, the child is back at the front of the bed.

I feel bad for the child, but we have no room an air mattress or something for the child to sleep on. I am afraid that one night I will step on the child and hurt them. When we discuss this with the kid, they just say "ok".

With the child, I tried changing the type of sheets, the bed location, doing night lights, playing soothing music, and many other tricks that helps keeps a child asleep. I can not get any input from the child.

Any suggestion?

Genuinely curious on people's thoughts here. I don't really know what my opinion on the whole thing is myself.

But I have a couple foster kiddos currently one of whom we have had since 6 weeks of age. We are going on a year of having them soon here.

The case plan currently is reunification. The plan if reunification is not possible is to give the parents as long as they can to achieve reunification (so in my mind that'd be about two years) and then move the kids to kinship.

The reason that move would wait until then is due to the location of the potential kinship.

So genuinely, when considering a kiddos best interest, would it be better for the kiddo to move to kinship or stay in a home they've been in for two years and almost their whole life?

I know a lot of data supports that children who are with their biological families have better growth outcomes. So I'm curious on people's thoughts/experience/knowledge regarding on if it would still be best outcome for the move or not.

Obviously a lot of things are case by case and I know there are outliers. And I'm not asking because I want a specific answer. I really haven't developed much of an opinion on it myself and have been wondering about it.

Hi! I took in my 2 nieces (ages 3yrs and 9mths currently) for my sister in the beginning of August. I have a 6 year old myself so I had no problem bringing in my nieces. It was supposed to be temp so my sister could get clean and attend 6 of her mandatory classes. It’s been 3 months and I have no help whatsoever.. not from my sister, not from Cps literally no help at all. I had to quit my job 2 weeks into having them. When my nieces came I had to buy everything, they were only sent over with a broken pack and play and one bottle for the baby.. I had to go out early the next day to buy clothes, shoes, car seats, crib and a toddler bed. My sister has been starting unnecessary drama and I’m over it. She’s now calling Cps on me starting rumors and is putting me in a situation with my own daughter. My question is would it be wrong of me to end all of it? And How can I terminate the safety plan/kinship care?

I’ve been struggling for a long time in extended foster care due to the lack of support/resources. I’ve had a place to live, but social workers and the program life coaches I’ve been assigned have often been unhelpful/consistently triggering. It’s taken me multiple years to finally get a good therapist, a decent psychiatrist.

The situation I’m in now is I have 9 months left in this program, and I don’t really know what I’m going to do after. I have cptsd, agoraphobia, adhd, among other things. I tried to go to college but it made me almost unalive. I’m about to go back now, but 9 months isn’t enough time for a degree. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’m signed up to go to a further extended program that lasts until 25, but to be honest, I’d give almost anything to not have to go. I’d rather be on my own. It’s also not guaranteed I’ll get accepted, and I’m scared.

Does anyone have any advice or resources? My biggest problem is the agoraphobia prevents me from being outside for extended periods of time and around a lot of people. I applied for disability twice, and was rejected. I don’t even know if it would’ve been the right route for me. If I could get a car, it would help me a lot with being outside. But I have nobody to teach me to drive, and I’m not sure how I’d afford maintaining it but I would be okay with working jobs with minimal human interactions like Instacart or DoorDash.

I really have no idea where else I can post this, very few people understand foster care issues and instead assume you’re just lazy.

So I recently found out about on Thursday that my foster parent gave her two weeks notice and wasn't told until then(two weeks later) she didn't know when they were going to take me they told her either in the two weeks or sometimes after November 9th(we had a cruise). My social worker told me that I could go with a friend who was foster certified but I couldn't go with her so he said I might have to go to SF(2-3 hours away from where I live) and I've expressed that I do NOT want that mind you I am 15 so you can do with that as you will. Now I have a friend that can take me in and her uncle is foster certified and they've been background checked recently but yet my social worker refuses to try and see things from my perspective. He keeps repeating himself and telling everyone BUT me information, he doesn't respond to my messages until hours later and when he doesn't it's useless nonsense. Uhm...yeah mind you if he would've told me when I got the two week notice(foster mom too) then I could've just gotten this done already. Sorry if this post makes no sense I'm just really mad and I need help because they want to just take me but I don't want anyone getting in trouble.

Hello. Me and my boyfriend are a gay couple in our thirties. We have discussed having kids together and will likely adopt children in the future. We have also discussed the possibility of fostering some kids before we adopt. We both come from less than ideal homes.

I would like to know if anyone has any experience doing something like this or input about this idea. I think our ideal outcome would be 1 placement at a time, and short-medium term. We could take care of a child while a their parents get back on their feet or a more permanent home is found with their family or something. We wouldn't get too attached and we wouldn't have to worry that the child is going to a bad home. Annother good outcome might be that we get a placement with a child that we connect with and for whatever reason they are unable to be taken by their family, so we adopt this child.

The scenarios I'm more worried about are where the child is taken from us and we suspect that the home they are put into is not a good one, or that we are unable to handle the needs or behavior of a child that is placed with us.

My outside perspective is that a lot of foster parents get attached to their foster children and go through heartbreak when they leave. I'm a bit concerned about this happening but understand that it is something to expect and prepare for. I'm also a bit concerned about the children. If we get a placement and things don't work out with us and the child, will we cause more harm than good if we have to ask for them to be taken back? What does that proccess look like? If things do work out with one of the children, and the parents are unable to take care of them, what does that proccess look like. Can we adopt the child, or is it more like perpetual shared custody?

Sorry, if this post is a bit disorganized.

A few months ago my sister passed away. Prior to her passing I drove an hour away to get her kids for the weekend. She was in a hospital closer to me. On that weekend she passed away. The kids never went home during that time emotions were high, and I didn't want to leave them without proper care. I took them in with nothing at the advice of a rep dcf abuse hotline rep. The rep stated she will open a case for dcf to assign the kids to me. Since then I received a call from someone in family support services stating they can help me with one month rent and I would have to petition the court for custody. I advise them I am a single mother of 1, and I cannot afford to take on all children with no assistance. They said assistance will be available to me. This is my first time dealing with DCF. Everything said was not true. I still do not have custody of the children, no financial assistance due to their mother not working enough for the children to receive SSI. The kids cannot attend school because I do not have custody of them, and I cannot get required shots for them. One of the children is diagnosed with adhd, and the other is show signs of schizophrenia. She is 12 and has spoken about wanting to k*ll people in grusume detail. She is constantly telling about seeing beings and intities that are not there. I cannot get get much needed meds or counseling for these children. I have called again, and I'm being told that I'm stuck with the kids that I do not have custody over, and I would be abandoning them if I cannot keep them. I live in a small two bedroom apartment with all 3 kids. I keep my daughter in my room with me because she is afraid of them. She doesn't understand their mental delays and they lash out at her. I am angry, I am greiving, and I cannot afford to keep these children with no support. There has to be something wrong with me keeping children that I cannot properly take care of. They can't just drop out of school. DCF is telling since there is no neglect, or abuse, they can't do anything. This doesn't make sense to me. Can anyone provide advice or input. I am at the end of my rope. My bills have dramatically increased, and I struggling with all of this.

The title says it all. We had our home study on 10/03. They said we just have to wait for the state to process that and we should receive our foster license "soon" just wondering how long the wait was for other families. We are in Utah, I don't know if that makes a difference.

Almost ten years ago I lived with this foster family for five months. They were my sole in-home/family placement, everything else was either a group home or an independent living placement. The single mom talked about the possibility of adopting me if I was I guess good enough—she specifically described it as “you date before you marry.”

While I was living with them I was going through a lot mentally. Like a lot, I was very paranoid and I was beginning to hear voices. Even though my foster mom was being paid like $600-$800 a month to care for me, she never brought me to the doctor. All three of her kids (two biological, one adopted at 16 the year before she took me in, was 17 when I moved in) were in therapy, but she never booked me an appointment with a therapist, even though she had the power to do so—in my area she didn’t need permission from my social worker or anything. She ultimately ended up asking me to leave her home. She didn’t even tell me herself—she called my social worker’s supervisor, who called my social worker, who called my youth care worker, who told me on Monday that I had to be out by Friday. I don’t even remember what I did, if I did anything. I know I was very suspicious of them, but I don’t think I hit anyone or anything.

I was moved to a group home. In the group home I waited every single day for my foster mother to come get me. I believed she had just made a mistake by deciding I had to leave—in fact, a couple of days before she told my worker that I had to leave she had told me I wouldn’t be asked to go, and she’d said many times she would keep me until I was ready to be independent. I didn’t believe her promises could be lies, and I’d had so many good times with her, like when she taught me crafts. I loved her. In my head I called her my mom.

I’ve lurked her social media for years. I finally got brave the other day and reached out via message. I sent an apology for how I acted, and thanked her for taking such good care of me. She said she didn’t hold anything against me because I was a child and I was not well. We planned to have a phone call when I got home, but when I asked her for her number so I could call her, she read my message and didn’t reply. I’ve seen she’s been online since many times but she hasn’t responded. My sister says she’s giving me the brush off and that as soon as it became real, an actual phone call, she didn’t want to talk any more. She said “if she wanted to, she would.”

I feel so conflicted. My foster mom had TEN YEARS to reach out and never once did, although she says she’s thought of me often. The thing that makes me sickest is that she went on to adopt another boy after she got rid of me, a couple of years ago. She’s halfway across the country visiting him now, she says. She says he’s a great kid. I could be a great kid. It’s not like I was unfixable. As soon as I saw a doctor they were able to give me medicine that took my voices away and helped me not be so suspicious and scared.

Even if I couldn’t be in her home, couldn’t she have reached out to me? If I needed to stay in the hospital for a bit, she could have visited and continued parenting me even if we couldn’t live together for a little while. In my province once you’re sixteen it’s basically a free for all, you’re in independent living and are considered an emancipated minor whether you want to be or not, so it’s not like there were rules stopping her from reaching out.

I wanted her to apologize for leaving me, and to tell me that some part of her regretted giving me up. I wanted her to say she’s still my mom. She’s the only mother figure I ever had. I know it was only five months, but it was the biggest five months of my life, because it was the first and only time someone cared for me. I wanted her to love me and to come visit me in my new province. It’s been ten years but I feel like there are parts of me that never left our house, that are still with her.

I want a family so badly. I asked a woman who worked at my school to adopt me but she wasn’t interested. I even made a slideshow of reasons I’d be a good daughter, but it didn’t work. I asked a friend of mine, an adoption advocate I know, if she’d be willing to adult adoption me, but she has six adopted kids and says she can’t be what I want or be more than a friend to me. I have an apartment of my own and a life of my own, I don’t want to live with them, I just want family to call my own.

US-based Can’t find a lot of info online for SIL host home requirements

I've seen a few comments online saying foster parents can get the subsidy if they adopt and social security benefits if the child's biological parents dies. I would like to understand how and why. If TPR and adoption means the biological parents are no longer legally the parent, how will the child get survivors benefits? So often, we hear giving birth doesn't make a mother and trashing biological parents, or DNA doesn't matter. Yet, if a biological parent dies suddenly DNA matters and the whole biological connection should be in place when any other time people don't care. What gives?

And I don't like the idea that foster parents will get two checks for the child. Especially social security. It's bad enough most see us as monetary items that they don't get paid enough to take us in. Foster youth can't even get our social security benefits.

Everyone who speaks about improving the foster care system seems to be missing the big reason why the foster care system is very hated, and that's because the youth are essentially incapable of leaving the foster care system. If you were to attempt to leave, two of these scenarios WILL end up happening to you.

• You will be looked for by LE and eventually caught, you will end up in handcuffs and if you resist, you're easily going to jail.

• If you manage to evade LE, You will live as a fugitive, and this isn't like, being a fugitive because you robbed or beat somebody, you are a non violent fugitive, doesn't matter much, as you will not be able to receive benefits, get real, steady employment, nor get education.

This criticism can obviously be extended to other systems that aren't necessarily associated with the foster care system, and whilst there's thousands of agencies around the United States, all of them can pretty much be criticized on this single point, that they all violate the individual's fundemental right to freedom of association/disassociation, freedom of exchange of labor/goods, and bodily autonomy. For as long as the foster care system operates like this, it'll continue to be hated and not supported, and given the current climate, it's not out of the question for the foster care system in the future to purposefully ignore those who leave them voluntarily, given the limited resources.

Hi! Has anyone in here received their social services files when you have aged out? I am in the uk and it will be a long wait I think but I was put in a request. what was everyone’s experiences with reading their files?

I was the bio-kid. I am an adult now and I am dealing with the trauma of emotional neglect from my parents.

We had a revolving door of foster children. I remember one of my foster sisters liked to play “doctor “ with me. I never told my parents until I was much older. I just felt they dismissed me.

We had 3 other foster kids, my parents were going to adopt them, but they were removed from our home before they were adopted, there was a complaint that my dad was too aggressive with one of them in public.

I remember my mom calling the police once because she could not handle one of the kids in a violent temper tantrum. I mentioned this to her years later and asked if she understood the impact on me seeing this.

Another memory is of us going on vacation but leaving the 3 behind. It was a vacation for “ our family “. But why were they considering adopting if they needed a “break”. ?

I am trying to understand and confront my feelings from his time.

Why were my parents not satisfied with me and my sister. Why was I not enough for them. Why didnt they see how fucked up it was to have the revolving door of kids, and kids that needed so much work?

It hurts to write this down. I am so sad.

Are there others like me? Do others feel neglected or ignored by their parents for having foster kids. What can I search for, or what can I read about the results and experiences of bio kids growing up with foster kids.

Thank You.

i feel like i (17f) had no time to actually be a teenager. i’ve been trying to figure out how to move out for months & soon i’ll be on my own. i’ve been learning how to drive, not as a fun activity because i want to, but because i have to. i’ve been looking for a job so that i can survive. i have barely any time for my friends, i have almost no family, and im way too traumatized to date. i have to go to community college after i serve my time in job corps so i can get basic necessities like an ID, driver’s license, etc. and a place away from my foster family. i spent a large chunk of my adolescent years in sex work or psych wards. i did not have any real time for a childhood, my life has been like this since i was 11.

my friends are all getting drunk and partying and making friends and relationships at university that their parents are paying for, all while i don’t even know if my future is worth fighting for. i hate that the system is kind of set up for this.

• Called names by both foster parents and their biological children, such: “worthless”, “manipulative”, “abusive”, “dirty”, “useless”, “parasitic”, “stupid”, “hateful”, “rude”, “ungrateful”, “ugly”, “fat”, “retarded”, “faggot”, “bitch”, “cunt”, "a queer", "incompetent", the n word (I'm white?) and many more. This also extends to phrases like, “no one likes no”, “no wonder your mom didn’t love you”, “everyone would be happier if you just disappeared”, “you can't do anything right”, “you’re not a part of this family”, and crueler things.
• Forced to do manual labor in fear of punishment (either physical and deprivation), despite illness or injury. Insulted for being ill or injured.
• Access to mine and other’s phones was restricted, ranging from not being able to speak with or visit my social workers without permission to being left alone at home for hours or days at a time with no way to contact 911 or social workers.
• Refused medical attention for infected, impacted wisdom teeth as a bargaining chip. (aka, if you don’t do this, we won’t let you get your teeth removed). I ended up living close to 7 years like this until I finally got them removed after I aged out.
• Was kicked out and left homeless after undergoing surgery that left me unable to walk.
• Whatever the opposite of “benefit of the doubt” is, that’s what I had. Due either to peoples’ preconceived notions about what foster kids are like or some other, non-founded reason, I was guilty until proven innocent.
• Was forced to go to Jesus camp. While there, the youngest son decided to tell everyone he met not only what a horrible person he thought I was and how they should bully me, but also details of the abuse that put me into foster care he learned from his parents.
• Once the kids realized how poorly I was treated, they started to blame me for things that they did and their parents accepted it without a second thought. The youngest son, who hated me the most, took my bike and ruined it by driving it into a lake. I was then grounded. Their daughter left used tampons around the bathroom and I, who had never used a tampon in my life, was grounded. Also grounded for refusing to use tampons due to SA. Many, many more such incidents. Included regularly being accused of stealing and lying.
• Not allowed to touch or interact with anything they owned, including their pets, because I was fundamentally ‘dirty’.
• I was not allowed to do anything without asking, including eating or going outside.
• Criticized and punished for everything I did. Life was a no-win situation. Here are some examples: Took a shower too long, used “too much” toilet paper (foster mom said I should only need one square and if I used more I was dirty and greedy), brushed my teeth too long, ate too much food, ate not enough food, ate the wrong kind of food, smiled or didn’t smile, laughed or didn’t laugh, speak or didn’t speak, the way I walked, the clothes I wore, my haircut, having friends, using the toilet, sleeping too long or not sleeping long enough, not being physically strong, not shaving my legs, having boobs, having a period, being in pain, making facial expressions, reacting to their unfair treatment or not reacting enough, standing up for myself and also not standing up for myself, the classes I took, spending time in my room or leaving my room, meeting with my social worker without their permission, crying, telling my social worker the things they said to me, saying things that weren’t true (aka, using common expressions or making jokes), having asthma. Punished for all of these things. I was even blamed for things out of my control, such as the way other people treated me or spoke to them.
• Not allowed to eat certain foods, such as white bread, or anything with caffeine. And not just in their house: if they found out I ate “non approved” items at school, or outside, or anywhere, I was punished.
• Gaslight. All the time. It was strange, because they would make up these absolutely nonsensical, absurd scenarios that never happened and then… Try to convince me that they happened? And that, somehow, they KNOW it happened and had PROOF, even if they wouldn’t show me the proof. Of course, I was punished severely for these things.
• Had antidepressants withheld, cold turkey, as punishment. Attempted suicide, punished and berated for attempting suicide.
• Spent as much time as possible in my bedroom trying to avoid punishment and was subsequently punished.
• One of my foster parents had a kitchen themed after a racist caricature, and referred to certain groups of people as “colored”
• Repeatedly had my stomach, boobs, and ass fondled by one of my foster moms while she was simultaneously body shaming me and calling me fat, and telling me I had a nice figure (think, “wow your butt looks so nice in those jeans!) even after asking her to stop multiple times.
• Was asked to do something and when I did it, I did it wrong. And if I didn’t do it wrong, then that’s not what she asked me to do.
• Had my personal belongings regularly scavenged through, thrown away, and stolen. punished for owning certain things like a succulent or stickers or books.
• Left alone at home for days on end.
• Screamed at and punished for having PTSD and being frightened of them, told I was “playing the victim” almost every day.
• They did not believe in mental illness, including panic attacks. Grounded for months for having a panic attack at school, even after I begged the school staff not to call my foster parents and tell them.
• Not allowed to speak with, socialize with, or make new friends; made the daughter watch me to make sure. Also had them check up on me throughout the school day to make sure I wasn’t socializing.
• Exposed to abusive, drug addicted family members of theirs that triggered my VERY FRESH PTSD, then punished for acting like I was “too good for them”.
• Made fun of for being an abuse victim.
• Punished for ever having the audacity to say ‘no’, or trying to exercise autonomy over my own life and body.
• When I was old enough to work, I was not allowed to have a bank account and had to ‘earn’ the right to cash my checks by doing labor for them.
• Ignored by my guardian ad litem when I told her about how I was treated with, “well I’m sorry you feel that way” and “they seem like nice people”
• Forced to move schools constantly.
• Cameras and monitors in almost every single room of the house, these are often the things that they say gave them “proof” of the horrible things I was doing.
• Grounded, yelled at, and insulted for refusing to beat the dog when it misbehaved.
• Had multiple large, heavy, and/or sharp objects thrown at me, screamed and sworn at, and told to kill myself whenever someone was upset. Of course, I always must have done something to “deserve it”, if they were treating me that way.
• Left at home alone or at a grandparent’s house while they went on vacation.

I feel like I'm definitely forgetting to list some.

Hey I could really use some perspective. My daughter is 16 and pregnant. We adopted her at age 14 and she recently got pregnant on purpose because she wants to start a family. I am terrified for her. She is pushing everyone away and saying she doesn’t want help or parents. She does not have the skills to support herself independently. She stopped doing any school work once she got to high school and she has not been able to get a job on her own. Any time I offer to help her with getting her GED or going to a doctor or getting a job, she lashes out and says I’m trying to control her. I have no idea how to help her get through this tough time and I’m terrified she’s going to lose custody of her baby or get hurt.

Has anyone been through this? For the FFY, how would you have liked to be supported through this? I’m so worried for her and I don’t want to stand by and do nothing but she is adamant that she’s just waiting to turn 17 and move out.

So I never declared my previous partner as I thought you only had to do so if you were married or had kids. We lived together.

Whilst talking over my history I mentioned this partner. And now the social worker wants to speak to her for a reference.

We did not on any terms end well. Nothing physical or violent occurred between us. But she could absolutely ruin this for me and my wife. And im half expecting her to sabotage this in the most spectacular way possible. I’m not the person I was 7 years ago and we were kids when we got together, our relationship was unhealthy from the start.

I forgave her for being unfaithful but never really got over it and did it back in the end. And her and her family hate me for it. I really don’t want her contacted as previously her dad was less than pleasant and the last thing I want is an angry dad on my doorstep because I’ve contacted his daughter essentially for help.

To make things worse said ex partner actually works within the foster system now. However I’ve heard that because she actually works in the system she may not be allowed to actually give a reference?

How fucked are we?

My foster parents are lying about how much they received for me when I was in their home to guilt trip me. Does anyone know how about how much they’d be paid monthly? Specialized home, 18M, Illinois (cook county if it matters). If not, could someone tell me how to go about finding this info?

I have had my niece and nephew on and off for almost 5 years now. My brother is a narcissistic alcoholic and he decided have children with a heroin addict. When my niece was about 3 months CPS took her due to domestic violence between my brother and the mother. They called me to help and I foolishly said yes. I was a single mom of two at the time. Niece was with me on and off for the first year and the mother got pregnant with my nephew. By the time he was born there was no evidence of drug use, so mom was allowed to keep both kids and I assume follow some program for sobriety.

By the time my nephew was 5 months, (niece now 18months) it was found the mother had been failing drug tests so now they call me again. Once again I foolishly say yes under the guise my mom and both parents were helping with them because the mom and my brother were now homeless. I was merely the placeholder I thought. During this time the mother began living with me claiming she needed to get in a clean environment and be around her kids. Once the case hit 1yr of age CPS is like ok we need to close this up, so are you keeping them or not? At the time I had support and was under the impression the parents were working to get the kids back. It had already been 2yrs for niece and 1yr for nephew so I said ok. Jan 2022 they made it official and we did it over a phone call.

By September 2022, I was now married, finding I was expecting my third child and the parents had now been banned from my home due to the hellish drama that follows drug addicts and alcoholics. Fast forward to now, kids are about to be 5 and 4 and I deeply regret the decision. I feel no familial love for them and I feel it hard to treat my own kids lovingly as not to rub it in the other kids faces. Many times the kids are fussing and fighting and though they are young I see unfortunate traits of their parents and I can’t find it in my heart to truly care for them. The mother’s family is not involved and my mother claims she’ll take them upon retiring this January but I’m skeptical as she is 67 and has a husband with dementia. Is it possible to take this matter to court to have them remove me as guardian???

Any advice is greatly appreciated

to make this brief, I am new here and trying to sort out the best way to go about getting infant (I'll refer to infant as Tee) from current foster care (emergency placement I believe) to a fictive kin who lives out of state but close by (only 20 minutes or so to cross state and county lines).

idk if this is important but:

• I am related to Tee through Tee’s bio half siblings, who are my bio nieces.
• bio dad is unknown at this time, they are working to establish paternity
• the situation with bio mom is looking like TPR will happen (this is an educated guess on my part and the SW's part), given the history that I know about bio mom. bio mom also surrendered all custody of Tee's bio siblings to their bio father

infant placements thus far:

• initial removal, then immediate placement with bio moms husbands mother. she is elderly and in poor health, had infant for about a week under the agreement that bio mom and husband would help with care, they failed to help so DHS started looking for other placements
• I was contacted for placement bc I am closest relative who resides in the state that Tee is under jurisdiction of, I told them I needed more time to plan things out and consider the realities of having an infant before committing to anything. they were understanding of that
• Tee was placed last week under the care of foster parents

I have now connected with a relative by marriage (I'll call her A), who I know well, about the situation. I believe A would be considered fictive kin, and A is very serious about temporary or permanent fostering and adopting if TPR eventually happens, but this person resides out of state. she has initiated the process of involving ICPC stuff by contacting Tee's social worker. I have also contacted SW to notify her of this potential placement. furthermore, A is attempting to reach out about visits with Tee if that would be allowed. I would attend those if I was allowed as well.

my biggest questions:

• would I be able to help the ICPC process along by asking to have Tee placed with me, with the intention of eventually moving her to A, given that TPR is in place? I assume that the longer Tee is with a foster family, the more attached she and foster family will become, and I don’t want to put anyone through that if the goal is permanent placement with A. also, if Tee is in my care, myself and A and the SW will be able to all move toward the same goal together
• will the SW even be motivated to pursue ICPC process? and if not, what are our options?
• how long is the state going to give for paternity to be established before that is no longer an option?
• how many chances/how long will bio mom be given to be consistent before TPR? we are so early in this process, but if mom is anything like she was a few years ago, there is a significant lack of effort to do anything for her children beyond saving face in front of others until she gets bored of it. I am not bashing any bio parents, but I know bio mom very well and did for many years, and I have seen this play out.