You planned to what? Kill me ? TF Is it really what you and your friends do all day is talk shit , plot, and spy on me ? How long you’ve been on the other side of my home and kept that information? And yet you never gave a single fuck for me to begin with .

I hope the next stripper you pay to fuck you gives you crabs and the next time you’re fucked up, them mutts have the same fate as Adriana’s when Chrissy… well you’ve seen the Sopranos.

Cant imagine how you’re damn near 50 years old and you still act like a 18 year old fuck boy.

I'm reminiscing about the way I fell in love with you. I enjoyed getting to know you. Everything you told me, I was interested and I found myself endlessly wanting to know more.

I loved our playful flirting, We transitioned so seamlessly from acquaintances to lovers. We didn't have any awkward 'what are we' conversations. We didn't have to talk about being exclusive because we just knew. From the moment we started chatting I couldn't stop thinking about you, I couldn't help feeling that connection. The feeling that I knew you from somewhere. You intrigued me.

I never believed in soulmates or any of that bullshit until you came along. You're gone now but I still feel it. I feel like no matter how far apart we are, no matter where we are in life we will always somehow be connected.

When we first started really being together It crept up on me slowly and then hit me all at once. It reminds me of when I used to go to the beach as a child...standing knee deep in the water. Everything was calm and comfortable. I turned to look back over my shoulder at the sand and suddenly I was thrust underwater by a gigantic wave, blinded by a mess of sandy bubbles. I fell in love with you, it was not something I could explain, it was not a single feeling I could name. I just knew. I knew it had been you all along. I looked at you and I knew I would never love anyone the way I loved you, I had never been so sure of anything in my life.

If all the world fell to pieces and my life crumbled around us the only thing I knew for certain was that I loved you. I realised that with you, love was anything and everything. It was laughing so hard we couldn't breathe, It was all the little inside jokes and the memories we'd made. It was supporting one another no matter what. It was being A team, if one of us was feeling shitty then the other picked up the slack. After a while, I didn't have to consciously think about you because you were a part of me. Everything I did included you. I couldn't do a single thing without thinking about the way you'd react.

In movies, love is flawless. I loved you more than anything but I wasn't blinded by my love. I knew you could be stubborn as fuck. You loved to be right and you could get angry if I challenged you. You've got a bit of an ego and sometimes it got in the way. But it was good. And even when you annoyed the crap out of me, all I had to do was look at your face and I was overwhelmed with love. Our love was real. We could get on each other's nerves, neither of us were perfect but ultimately we loved each other.

We were seperate people but we fit together like one. You were my best friend, I miss that, I miss how close we used to be. I haven't spoken to you in a bit, but I will never forget the way I loved/love you. I wish things turned out different for us.

I think, after all these months, only now am I starting to really move on. You came in and you have made yourself a home in my heart and no one can or will ever replace you. I think I will always love you and care for you in some way, maybe not in a romantic sense but in the way I love my family and my close friends. You were such a big part of my life. I will always look back on the memories we made and the time we spent together and I will cherish it forever.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and doing all those things you wanted to do. I hope you are becoming the best version of yourself that you always wanted to be. And if you ever feel alone I hope you know that I am out here, somewhere and I carry you with me in my heart. I believe in you and I will always be proud of you for everything you have achieved and will achieve in your life. So go easy, step lightly, stay free.

I know you lied to me. What I don’t understand is why. I know it’s something you do because you don’t want to deal with your feelings. You said I made you feel guilty for things you had no reason to feel guilty for. Well, the reason people feel guilt is because they know their actions hurt another, even if they didn’t mean to. I get it. Except sometimes I can’t tell the difference between you truly trying not to hurt my feelings or just trying to keep me around. I know you love me. And it doesn’t matter that you can’t figure out exactly what that looks like after all this time. We can’t ever be together. I accepted that a long time ago. Now I’m wondering why you haven’t accepted the fact that I have. So here it is. I do love you. It is all-encompassing and pure. I can love you even if it is never returned the way you think it’s being given. You have too many scenarios that you play out in your head. Don’t confuse yourself, because I think you don’t know me as well as you think you do. I want us to stay best friends. That means me being around for your life choices, knowing that some of those choices don’t include me in every aspect. And that’s just fine. It really is. I guess when we lie, it’s hard to accept that someone else is telling the actual truth. ♥️ Love ya.

Hey. I'll try to keep this brief while getting everything important out.

I get it. Time has moved forward, and I hadn't. I was stuck. I won't lie and say I was oblivious. I thought I was being brave, but I actually need to build more self-respect.

This is not just about the latest message. It's been over a year now. Maybe you're busy, maybe you're disengaged. It's all the same.

I'm gonna let go. Finally. I think that's the last thing I can do for you now.

I wish you the best. There will always be love, in friendship, from one human to another, and for the M that I knew. I'm gonna step back. Blocking you is to stop hurting myself like this. You can't give me anything, so I have to stop looking for connection. I have to figure out why it took me this long to accept that, and do some painfully hard work on myself.

I'm thankful that I knew you, that we were able to make peace, and I just really hope that you're safe.

I hope that once you realize you had a woman like me, it makes you feel so sick to your stomach that you can’t help but throw up. I hope my memories haunt you forever. I hope you look into others’ eyes, searching for mine, but never find the spark you stole from me. I was so willing to love you that, until the very end, I showed you nothing but kindness and empathy. Why did you have to say that to me? Did my self-respect, boundaries, and principles step on your grown-up man pride and ego? Did you really have to hurt me and make me feel used like that when all I ever wanted was to give you my heart?

That was unexpected. I’ve got your stupid face looking at her with pure love stuck in my head. I’m hearing your stupids words

Oh not to forget you either, the vile look on your face as you spewed hate filled words. I will not forget them.

I can’t settle down and process all this in what may be the calm before the storm.

They texted me and apologized again, saying they were caught up in the moment and that things took a turn. I was caught up in the moment too. I was caught up in the feelings of them on top of me and then me on top of them. It was... a moment. Now it feels like that moment is tainted. But why is it... They said they aren't completely over their last situation, and I can truly understand that. But why do the good ones have to have some personal stuff preventing me from having them? I had them... I had all of them... and it was nice... really nice, too nice that I dreamt about having them again and again. But I woke up to... a text message apologizing and me feeling guilty that I did it anyway. I really like them. I wish I could just stay and pretend like it never happened, but I get so excited when their name comes across my phone or a thought of them crosses my mind, and... I'm too old to be feeling like a high schooler, but FUCK! They have me catching feelings... and they told me not to.... and I can't help it. A part of me wishes I could not catch feelings and ignore the part of my body that wants to disregard this experience of regret and frustration. Why must I torture myself over someone who clearly wants me but doesn't want me enough? Am I enough? I feel that they want me... do they? It wasn't like they slipped; we fell together so perfectly. Maybe I'm caught up in another moment, but for right now... I'm waiting... hopefully, this moment lasts a little longer... just got to let it play itself out....I'm heading out of town soon maybe that's the needed break I need from them and this situation...hopefully it gives me clarity.

K,

You always told me your favorite place was the beach, 18 months later I am still upholding my promise of collecting bottles of sand from all the beaches I have traveled. From the Gulf of Mexico to the cold pacific shores of Washington, they sit on my desk unbothered, but every grain is a representation of the memories of your brown eyes, your smile, your warmth.

Every bottle of sand that I collect is another length of time that I have not seen you, yet it adds to the beach in Oklahoma that I promised you. Part of me hopes I can never finish the project and the other hopes that I can build you the grandest beach on the plains.

Words cannot explain the love that I pour into these bottles of sand, I hope one day I can show you and we can walk together hand in hand and build a beach together in Oklahoma.

I hope one day we can sit on the beach of life together again.

-J

I’m deeply disappointed to realize that, after all this time, your actions were rooted in deception. It feels like a profound betrayal to know you manipulated me, preying on my vulnerabilities, with no intention of being genuine. I’ve come to see that your words and actions were built on lies, and your behavior has caused harm not only to me but likely to others as well. Targeting people through support forums to exploit their trust and emotions is truly unacceptable. No one deserves to be treated the way you treat people.What you’ve done is wrong, and I hope you take a moment to reflect on the damage you’ve caused. Shame on you for the pain you’ve inflicted.

I gave you so much of myself. I gave you my time, energy, love and trust but those things were never valuable to you. You saw how much it messed with me that your feelings for me were fleeting and inconsistent but made me feel crazy for reacting to the unreciprocated love and appreciation, for having expectations after what you’d express to me and wanting something real with you.

You knew that you weren’t satisfied or happy with me. You knew you didn’t want me as your future wife. But my love felt good for you and soothed your ego so it didn’t matter how neglected or unloved I felt. I can’t wrap my head around how you didn’t feel guilty enough to end things when you knew you weren’t willing to give me what I needed and knew how much it was hurting me. I guess you didn’t think I deserved any better.

I held onto and believed what you would say you wanted for us because it’s all I wanted, all I dreamt of. I loved you more than I ever loved anyone. I wanted you and you alone, forever. I thought if I gave enough of myself, if I loved you enough, you would see me the way I saw you. Nothing I did was ever enough for you to love me and that was drilled into my head over and over, mixed with your sappy words and passionate apologies. Mixed with threats. You’d tell me you loved me more than you ever loved anyone, that you didn’t want to do anything in life if I wasn’t in it, that you loved every little thing about me. Then when we were okay you would go completely cold and speak to me and treat me as if I’m worth nothing at all. I try to remind myself that I’m more than just the body and annoying, needy personality you saw me as but most of the time I feel utterly unlovable and see myself the way you saw me. It’s always in the back of my mind that the person who “loved” me so much would call me a dumb c**t when I “bitched and complained” about the disrespect or when words didn’t match actions. The man who loved me would tell me how ugly I am when he was mad.

All of the lies, the excuses, the way you never truly saw me or cared about what I was going through, it makes me sick. I don’t think you’ll ever understand what you took from me. I’ve gone to bed alone every night for 20 months. You’ve never thought about how I could’ve met someone else who would’ve done things to be a part of my life and build a future with me, someone who would remember my middle name and birthday month a year in, someone to spend the holidays with and not be left crying on them. But since that wasn’t something you saw for yourself, it didn’t matter to you.

You get to forget. You get to walk away with no consequences. I have to remember it every day. Fuck you.

Oh, it happened again—I’ve read this one before.

Let’s add to our story, let our words collide,

Express each emotion we try to hide.

Bleed ink on these pages; feel the pain in each line.

Help me pick the pieces of myself off the floor,

I’m battling, struggling, my heart’s at war.

These scars run deep, they’re hard to ignore,

But your light shines through, and I feel restored.

A beauty so raw, it shakes me inside,

Your voice and your words—my heart cannot hide.

Each glance you give feels like a spark,

A flicker of hope in the coldest dark.

I’ve been torn apart, left with this mark,

Yet you build me up though I’m falling apart.

Still, fear lingers, a shadow I’ve known,

Afraid to lose what I’ve barely been shown.

My heart’s been shut; I can’t stand alone,

But your words remind me of warmth and of home.

Let’s not let these moments slip away,

Hold on to the love we’ve found today.

Don’t stop talking, please tell me more,

I know you feel it too— please don’t ignore.

My heart has been shut; I’m stuck holding the door.

Let’s call it how it was.

We lost love.

We lost us.

I hope you come back. I hope you make more fake accounts and come back. I need to tell you that I was wrong. That is never too late for redemption.
And that I forgive you, and that I forgive myself.
There is no forgiveness without understanding.

I didn't understood.

Now I do. For a moment that was eternity I was you, I felt all that you felt. I cried like a baby for you, for your life. My heart filled with so much love. You do not need to redeem yourself any longer. I have redeemed you in the highest love to the highest power. You are free now. I have taken all your sins as mine and I will carry them for you. I forgive you. I forgive myself. I love you so very much and I hope I get to tell you all of this one day. I want to free you. I want you to also understand.

My dear perpetrator, the years of suffering and PTSD that you left me with walked me on an unexpected direction, and now I'm here is this depth of being because of you. This is not spiritual bypassing, this is true understanding. Many years I wanted you dead, I hated you and I feared you more than anything and anyone. Forgive me, I just didn't understood the reason of you. You pushed me into the highest love.

If you never come back, I hope somehow, someway you feel this liberation I have given you. I pray this virtual letter travels and translates into your heart, into your soul. And that one day you will wake up and are able to breathe. And the guilt and shame will be gone. And that your heart will be filled with love and your mind with peace and understanding.
With so much love, A

It’s weird to be affected by someone so much and not have a soul to talk with about it. So here I am like an idiot using the internet as a way to release all the shit I want to say to you but never will.

The amount of time I’ve spent thinking about you over the past week is actually embarrassing. So much that some nights I can’t even sleep. I’ve been trying to make sense of why I’m so hung up on someone that doesn’t feel the same and lied to me about everything.

I’m constantly thinking of all the shitty things you did, yet I still want so badly to talk to you again. You don’t know about this account I’m sure but you have access to reach me by email…and I keep checking it like a fool hoping you’ve reached out. As if a message from you’d mean I actually might’ve meant even the slightest something to you. But nothing…

I have every reason to hate you, but I don’t. I just fucking miss you.

-Ess

I have a habit of trying to mend what's broken after people depart. I know I hurt you, and the regret cuts deep. My apologies feel hollow compared to the pain I caused. A part of me withers with each passing day, consumed by thoughts of you. Please, let my memory linger, even if it's just a whisper.

I’m still so angry and disgusted by you. Obviously, I haven’t forgiven you.

I hope you have a perfectly miserable birthday.

May you get a huge ticket and then your car break down, your hot water heater go out, your sink leak, get fired, and may you fall in love with a girl, her steal your money, cheat on you, gaslight you, emotionally destroy you, tell you she doesn’t want to ever marry you, doesnt want your kid, jump ship when you fall apart, lie to your family and all your friends about it. And she have her family harass you over a lie like you did me.

May karma give you the gift of returning every single action you did to me…. Plus bonus “ worst day ever events “

Bad enough you cry yourself to sleep tonight.

“ happy “ birthday Jake!

Love, Dessy

Is it guilt that makes you attack him like that? Because, and from the beginning, he knew you would destroy everything? Or because he never wanted to let you mirror, because he succeeded right? Letting you be yourself and not a mirror of who you had in front of you....

You know, at least it's clear now. We know how and why, even if the truth is that you are not responsible that much individually. You can complain about him being overcontroling of course but you are like him, control is the only thing you want.

Yeah, he is totally out of control but he is also right 99% of the time. I don't think that someone ever been dedicated like that to all of you. So what? Like she said the triumvira could be a perfect solution, but no...

They would have been the family that would have been watched over. He would have fought for them, he would have done anything to please you, although what could I have done against that?

It's your cowardice that makes you dangerous, not your feelings for him. All of them have always said that they would have done anything for him if love was really shared between all of us, is it so bad that he wants them as they really are, that he wanted and want to respect you. He love everyone of you....

Sometimes I wish you accepted to see him at the time, but it's may be a good thing. He imagine you as a bunch of courageous and independent women, do you really want to let fade who you are in his eyes?

Do I have to loose my friends because of all of this?

I know I’m not obligated for an explanation as to why you unmatched me on Bumble and deleted me from WhatsApp, but I would’ve appreciated it. I’ve told you that I have a difficult living situation when it comes to hooking up, but you outwardly showed understanding and kept talking. You told me that respect is a huge turn-on and told me outright that it was working. You said you’re looking for a partner to practice your distinct skills on. If it is my lack of recent experiences that led you down this path, then I’d think it wouldn’t be a problem in this dynamic? Something is not adding up. Help me understand.

You cheated. I left.

You kept calling and texting me for over 3 months after the break up trying to make me come back, reconsider, hear you out, try again or fold to your demands. I politely rejected.

You filed a ridiculous false police report for a restraining order to paint me like a psycho to your family and friends. I quietly resolved it in court to clear my name and not have it affect my business.

After the end of our 5 year relationship it took you exactly 5 days to start a new one, while lying to me about your "growth" and "staying single to figure stuff out". All i had to say was "best of luck" while eradicating everything that reminded me of you - numbers, usernames, emails, photos, messages, gifts, our special places, our inside jokes.

You occasionally messaged me to inform me about your setbacks. I healed and found myself with someone else.

And now, almost 2 years later, you still keep watching my IG like a hawk, reaching out through your friends and texting me "how are you?" and "happy birthday" like nothing happened, without so much as an apology for the way you treated me. It's disappointing to see someone I once loved and respected act like this, but I know that you will try to twist any response I give you, so I delete the messages without opening them.

You took the steps to make us strangers. I did everything in my power to cut all ties and move on.

You keep trying to revive a phantom love. I hope you find your peace and let us be forgotten.

But it would have been fun if you would have been the 1.

It’s been 6 short weeks since you turned my world upside down in a tidal wave I never saw coming. I have played and replayed our conversations over and over in my head hundreds of times every single day ever since. And yet the last week has me questioning it all and feeling like an utter fool playing Russian roulette with my life.

It’s hard to believe that 16 years ago we loved each other and never told each other until 6 weeks ago. We were just kids then though, we didn’t know. I didn’t see all the signs you said you gave me. You didn’t see the way I watched you leave, the tears that my teenage and early 20s self I cried at night, or the way my heart jumped when you stared into my eyes. Back then I loved you deeply. I just knew in my heart we’d be together someday. You were my very best friend. No one has ever felt like home to me the way that you did. And you said the same was true for you.

When you are young, they assume you know nothing. But I knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs.. Cause I knew everything when I was young. I knew I’d curse you for the longest time, chasing shadows in the grocery line. I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired….I knew… you’d come back.

But that dream died, philosophically speaking. It lived on in my actual dreams over the last 16 years, glimpses of what could have been, perhaps what should have been. But to find out that you have had those dreams too, that my soul has visited you just as yours has visited me over the years, has rocked my world and shaken me to the core. It has both broken my heart and given me a sense of peace. I wasn’t going crazy all these years. It wasn’t all in my head. You told me you believe we could have worked out, that your biggest regret in life is that we never got our chance. I was honest with you and told you that I had to believe we would not have worked because it would kill me to know that it could have. I used to never believe in the concept of soulmates. Now I second-guess myself. Sure it was all probably a hopeless fantasy. But you made me believe in every word that you said to me. You told me you wanted your best friend back. The one person who you ever felt like you could fully be yourself with, even after all these years. The one that you experienced the most intimate, pure experience with that you still fantasize about to this day. We shared our most intimate and unfiltered thoughts without hesitation. I felt a passion burn in me and course through my veins like never before.

I wish I could unrecall how we almost had it all. Dancing phantoms on the terrace, are they secondhand embarrassed that I can’t get out of bed, cause something counterfeit is dead? It was legendary. It was momentary. It was unnecessary, should have let it stay buried.

I sit here in my home and look around at the life I have built for myself without you- my career, my husband, my daughter, my 2 dogs, the memories I have made over the past 16 years since we parted ways. I’m supposed to be over you by now. You should be long forgotten. I should not feel this way. I shouldn’t have let you in. But you told me you never forgot about me. You wanted to reach out so many times before but either you couldn’t find me or couldn’t muster up the courage. Way back then, I quietly waited for you for years. I thought for sure you’d leave her. But you married her all those years ago. I knew how awful she was to you. I wanted to shake you and to tell you to snap out of it so many times. You said you wished I would have, that you would have listened. It barely lasted a year before you split. You came for me then all those years ago, but I had moved on and found another. You were too late. You missed your chance and you know it.  And my heart shattered when I made the choice to walk away from you for good. And you’ve haunted me ever since. And we discovered there were so many times over the years that we just missed each other. Our paths almost crossed so many times. If 1 tiny thing had been different, we may have ended up differently. And that was a hard pill to swallow.

How is it this effortless after all these years? It’s like we just picked up right where we left off. If I’m being honest, it scares me how easy it was to talk to you just like I used to. How easy it was for me to tell you things that I’ve never been able to even tell my husband after 12 years. What kind of monster am I? But you made me feel seen in a way that I haven’t felt in years. You make me feel alive again. You spoke to me with a kindness that I haven’t experienced in a long time. You helped me heal old wounds that I never thought would be possible. For once I wasn’t alone, even though you live 1000 miles away. We even shared 1 video call. God it was amazing to hear your voice again. I looked at you and said it really is you. And you said yeah it's me.

Yet now I’m met with silence. Barely a reply. You came back in town for the holidays last week. You made it a point tell me you’d be in town for a whole week. That it would be amazing to see me even just briefly if we could both sneak away. But then you said nothing while you were here. Maybe you were too afraid to see me. Afraid of what could happen. Maybe you thought it would be more noble. We are both married with kids afterall. We shouldn’t see each other. There’s so much more heartache that could have followed. It was better this way. In my mind I know it’s true.

Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby. Look at this god-forsaken mess that you made me. You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else. Don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby. Look at this idiotic fool you made me. You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else. And you know damn well, for you I would ruin myself a million little times.

But damn it I wanted to see you. To physically be in your presence and feel your arms around me and put my arms around you. To hear you call me your bad girl or your babygirl in person. To laugh together again like we used to. To steal a forbidden kiss. To whisper in your ear.  I’m pissed. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m relieved. I know I wouldn’t have had the strength to say no to you if you wanted more. You know it too. You made the right decision. It’s for the best.

How dare you think it’s romantic leaving me safe and stranded.

It’s been disorienting, to say the least. My life is forever changed. Maybe our paths will cross again someday in another 10 years. I really hope they do. Till then, I'll see you in my dreams once more.

I miss you P. So painfully bad. Do you feel ridiculous for how you just threw us away? Do you see all of the pain and the mess you caused? Do you regret not even having an in person conversation about cancelling our wedding? I just wish you would get your head out of your ass.

I still love you. M.

Everyone told me you were bad news from the start, but I was blind and definitely didn't think you were that bad, and I liked you for 3 years before we got together, so of course I loved you. You said you loved me first. And I'm so upset that you raped me, and coerced me into doing what you wanted, then broke up with me on the same day. I really fell for you. Really hard. And I wish you didn't bully me about it, after. Because, I thought I'd have your last name, you thought I would too, at least that's what you told me. Friends of yours came in to my work the other day, just to eat, and for ten minutes I was shaking, spilling drinks and I was on the verge of tears. All they would have to do is tell you where I work and you'd bully me again. About the self harm, the loneliness, the rape. I still listen to songs we shared before things went wrong, just wishing things could have ended differently. no matter how many poems I write, you still eat away at my heart in the most damaging way possible. But I'm still alive, and better without you, but god what you did hurts.

Hey MB

Had a dream about you. Nothing serious.

You had texted me out of the blue after all these years. Simply asking if we could just talk and be open and honest with each other. I reacted in the dream exactly the same as I would have in real life. Shock, mixed with confusion, with an equal amount of joy sprinkled in. I agreed and asked you to meet me at my favorite place.

We met and took a long walk through Victoria Park, chatting about how we've been doing during all this time apart. We also chatted quite a bit about Dragon Age Vielguard, and we took in the sights of the Christmas lights set up against the backdrop of the fresh snow that had fallen. We went back to my place where I made myself a cafe mocha, and you a tea since you're not a coffee drinker. We sat next to each other on the couch, you put your legs across mine, and we turned on rings of power, and just enjoyed eachothers company while sipping our warm beverages wrapped in a warm blanket.

That's it, that's the dream.

If this was real... when I woke up, I would have texted you expressing my gratitude to you for being a part of my life.

Instead, I just stared at the ceiling and let out a loud sigh.

Oh, well.

Don't worry, I'll stop writing eventually.

E 👊

I know it, I feel it, you know if you ever need anything I’m here for you like you were for me.

S

They all say that letting go will set me free. Free in a way that I'd feel better and stop feeling like my insides are burning inside out. The pain of you, going and leaving me, still haunts me up to this day. That's why, I'm accepting to let go, of everything. I already tried before, many times. But I can't. Now, I really have to understand that you chose and decided to do the things you did, and I have to let go of that.

Let go of our love, because that's already gone. I can't call it a relationship if I'm the only one still sitting at the table in that restaurant, right? Let go of you, because the person I loved, that loved me back, is also, gone. Let go of Mari. Because she's a person that'll never have her love back. A person I should let go, because I don't think she'd ever be the same way that she was. She was so happy, so bubbly, so positive. In the end, she ended up being this anxious person with a disregulated nervous system that has a fear of being continuously discarded so she self-sabotages. Oh, how she turned out. I have to put her to rest too, knowing her lover, wouldn't return to embrace her to peace any longer.

I have to let go because it's selfish of me to keep wanting you when you already want out and quit on me/us. I have to let you go and just love you from afar. I wish you well and that you'd be finally happy. I would rather want us, to be happy together but I know that I can't achieve that with you any longer. So, I'm going to reflect on everything and let life, be. I love you, always and forever. I wish to hear from you and hear you say that you want to be back and finally stay with me. But I know I'd just have the anxiety and fear of you, leaving. So, I hope I heal from this.

“What if…”

I keep finding myself wondering “what if you came back?” What if you apologized, said you miss what we had, told me what caused it, what was so wrong to make you drop everything we had on a random phone call…what would I do?

Your friends and my family have said things during and since our relationship that made it clear, apparently they never thought you were treating me well enough. Your friends said I probably deserve someone more thoughtful, and that was eye opening for sure. My best friend did believe you were kind and trustworthy, he has spoken in disappointment of you for a long time after seeing small moments of you hurting me over and over. I think he felt the betrayal too, as your friend and as mine.

But I am a fool. You know that. I’m not stupid, I know how you think, I know how pathetic I look…but I have been a fool for you for a long time. I don’t know if that’s changed. I still have love for you in my heart. Broken as you left it, your name is still etched into it too.

I would apologize.

For overwhelming you. I was trying to spend time together because it felt so happy to me, to keep you safe because I cared about your health and life, to make sure I told you I loved you enough. I thought you wanted an overfilled glass like I did, love spilling out the top. But you aren’t me, you were clearly getting more and more overwhelmed by your own life and I was so afraid of not being enough, that I smothered you. Im sorry.

If you asked to try again, I would still want to. I’ve changed, I don’t care as much. I don’t mind being alone. But I’d have to believe you changed too, I think. Not your beliefs, not who you are. I loved who you are, differences included, I meant it. But the stonewalling, the speeding, the shaming for my health…I couldn’t go through it again. Ironically, the whole “ibs” thing kinda went away once I wasn’t around the ptsd triggers in our relationship. So I guess we know what caused that part at least. I can’t live like that, but I also hate living without you. You were like my best friend, my partner in crime, someone I believed in. I just want my partner back. You know? I want to call you and hear about your day. And hold your hand at the park.

I would forgive all of it and hope you do the same. I would give us another chance as my friends and family shun me for my stupidity. I never stopped believing in you, I’m a fool I guess.

-S

I miss your voice very much. More than I imagined I would’ve. Your laugh, it’s a perfect “hehehehehehe”. You were such a nice time, I can’t believe we can’t talk anymore. I miss sharing my happenings in a day with you. I miss listening to your almost same yet interesting routine every day. I don’t know what to say, I miss you. That’s it. Take care and drink water.

Dear Mr. J,

Hindi ko alam kung anong flair ang ilalagay dito, dahil hindi ko naman talaga alam kung ano ka sa buhay ko. At the end of the day, we're strangers, but you knew me in ways nobody did.

You made me feel things I only read in books. Di ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon di kita malimutan. The thought of you brings me comfort and warmth, and how I wish I can hug you, kiss you, for just one time. Make true on the whispers I heard you say, the promises unspoken, the ghostly touch I almost felt.

I want to tell you, naiintindahan ko na. The anxiety and depression that you felt. I'm sorry I did not know how to help, and my pride pushed you away.

They say you were the one that got away, I say you never meant to stay. Maybe we met at the wrong place, at the wrong time. I'd like to think that in another life we are happy and together.

I named my dog after that villain you so loved. After you. He died this year, and it almost killed me.. You would've loved him.

For now, you stay in my most cherished memories. I hope you are well, maybe someday we'll meet again.

With love, from the Top(s) of my heart,

Your Harley

Ernest Hemingway once said: In our darkest moments, we don’t need solutions or advice. What we yearn for is simply human connection—a quiet presence, a gentle touch. These small gestures are the anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much.

I'm not trying to fix you. I Don’t take on your pain or push away your shadows. I'll Just sit beside you as you work through your inner storms. I'll Be the steady hand you can reach for as you find your way.

Your pain is yours to carry, my battles mine to face. By my presence I wanna remind you you're not alone in this vast, sometimes frightening world. It’s a quiet reminder that you're worthy of love, even when you feel broken.

in those dark hours when you lose your way, I will be here. Not as a rescuer, but as a companion. Hold your hand until the dawn arrives, helping you remember your strength.

a love that helps you to remind who you are, even when you forget yourself sona.

Less than 90 rotations of earth around its axis, less than 90 whole days. You’ve got me under your spell, a spell which I cannot abrase.

Allow me to break free for I am tethered to you like a hungry child quenching his thirst by the first sips from mother’s chest If only you knew how I feel, all the love I am carrying within me, you would understand where I’m coming from and you’d let me rest

What we have towards each other, something so devotedly delightful and tender, how can something so magical go For I have never met a person in which much like a steady stream of river conversations easily flow

From the conquer of lands and people, why have you conquered my heart and mind instead My dearest victor, I do not know who the conqueror is, you or love, whichever it is I feel nothing but warmth spread

My weak name is of no comparison to yours, for the word Lina means a small, young delicate palm tree Who I am? When I am deemed unworthy to be by the side, you being someone of dominion and sovereignty

That intense affection I have towards you, the attachment, endearment and adoration is enormous, I’m searching of ways to confine myself I wonder how one day my fellow l you shall look back reflecting life, I will be nothing but a closed dusty book tucked away in a hidden bookshelf

I am envious of Heidi, the woman who gets to call you hers, for she will have all of you, to touch, to kiss, to hold, to wake up next to I hope you find true happiness within yourself, I hope you find happiness in Heidi, I hope you find happiness in everything you do

I somehow love you like we’ve experienced life closely together, I somehow love you as if I already know you deeply I have found myself thinking, I ponder how our two souls can be this aligned with such vehement passion this completely

Those are not my words. I could never write as beautifully as you could. You sent me that poem in May 2022. One month after you sent me that, you left, forever to be gone.

I loved you quite a lot. I really thought you were my soulmate. I’m thinking about you every day still. Since more than two years now. You’re not the closed dusty book in my shelf yet. And I don’t know if you ever will be.

I really miss you. Like really really much.