Tell me where I stand with you. I can't take it anymore not knowing what you want. I can't continue seeing you, kissing you and being the person you want me to be without knowing what you want.

I can't deal with the hot and cold. One moment everything is perfect and the next you don't want anything to do with me? I know you're conflicted between me and him. I need to know before I get too emotionally invested and you break my heart again.

It kills me when we're together and you're texting him but when you're with him you can't speak to me. You were with him today and it just tears me apart that I know you're most likely going to choose him.

If you end up back together I cannot be your friend. I think you already know that and that's why youre putting of the conversation we need to have about everything. I've been doing my best to just be there for you and let things happen and see what happens but it's draining me mentally and I don't know how much longer I can take it before I can't control my emotions anymore.

I don't blame you if you want to be with him because it's familiar and it's the smart option. But I want you to be happy. You said you feel everything has to be on his terms. He won't let you move back in, he won't let you work near him, he won't let you live near him. Is that really someone who wants you? I want you to be with me everyday and want to help you with absolutely everything.

Please don't keep me waiting for you. You know I want you and always will. But if that's going to get in the way of you being happy then I will accept that. If things are going well with your ex then we can't keep seeing each other and hooking up because I won't be the person to ruin things for you.

I still love you K and always will.

This is it a laptop My only bond My only anchor The last string Pain Happiness Defeat Victory

My weakness is my heart And I will never be weak again

Kill it with all your pain and agony Kill it

And I will walk again

This burning house

We were only together for 3-4 months, but you made me feel wanted. You said things i really wanted to hear, and it scared me at first; but then i gave into it. It had been so long since id had a relationship that the fear quickly gave way to excitement. It's been almost a year since we stopped being together. I know i never met your family, but i hope you understand how pointless it felt to meet them when i could see the writing on the wall with him, even though i didnt want to believe it at the time. It's been almost a year since you cheated on me with someone who was supposed to be one of my best friends. A friend of over 10 years. It's been almost a year since you lied about all of it and tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to rip that waste of human space and oxygen apart for it. "Yes we hurt you, but he was hurt by the way you reacted. I knew you wouldn't be able to handle this." That was the lame shit you said to me when I told him how terrible of a friend AND man he is. I had to learn through people to whom he lied to, telling them that you both came to me to tell me you cheated and that i "didnt take it well" to finally know the whole truth of everything you did with him. You never came to me to tell me that, and you know it. You got pregnant by him because neither of you have any semblance of self control, and then you miscarried; and I'm sorry to say that I refused (and still do) to lose sleep over you losing a child with a man that you cheated on me with. I didn't let you get away with it. I don't believe in karma and letting people's terrible actions sort themselves out. I told all of our friends what both of you did, and most of them want nothing to do with either of you now. It felt good (and still does) to know that everyone else besides you had a good enough moral structure to know that what you did was stupid and wrong, especially when considering the ugly snake that you chose over me. Even though I told everyone of your actions, I didn't hate you, and I don't think I do now. I wish you were a better person so that I don't feel so stupid for still wanting you sometimes. I saw you at an event that we both worked last night. You looked incredible. Your black hair was just as alluring as I'd remembered, and the dress you wore complimented your figure so incredibly that I found it hard not to want to be close to you. But even with that acknowledgment, I did not want to speak to you. I'm sure you didn't want to speak to me either, since it seems you believe I am the one who wronged you in this entire scenario. Seeing you reminds me of how I felt when things were good, and how I need to not give into my desire to smooth things over with you so that I can retain my self respect. I could never go back to a woman that cheated on me with one of my closest friends and look at myself in the mirror the same. I refuse to be that weak. I miss you, and I feel like an idiot for it.

It’s over. The dream. The future. I thought the only way this would end would be if an asteroid was heading directly towards Earth faster than I fell in love with you. But now, there is nothing left. Except for the memories. The moment I first saw you. And the last. The time I announced I loved you. And when you stopped telling me. Our first phone call. Our last phone call. And just like that, after all this time, your love felt like an asteroid. But this asteroid wasn’t heading towards Earth. It was drifting off into the far reaches of the universe. The coldest, darkest places where no life form could ever experience the bliss you once gifted me. And I would say the pain is too much to bear, or that I’ve cried for you endlessly, or that my world has come crashing down upon me, drowning me in the deepest sorrows. But I feel nothing. I am so numb. Like my last message was sent with everything attached. And the memories are difficult to access because they’re locked up in a prison cell on a secluded island a thousand miles away from any piece of land, and in this prison cell with all my memories lies my heart. Cold, broken, and like all other prisoners, feeling unjustly imprisoned. You have the key. I gave it to you when you promised to look after it. I wish it was just metaphorical, but I can physically feel it missing from me. No one can live without a heart. I’m dead inside.

-🌻

This election has fundamentally changed me as a person. I have really been digging deep and thinking about everything that I have been learning in school about political theory and American politics, the podcasts and books that I read about extremism and conspiracy theories, and how my personal experiences have shaped how I have navigated and reacted since 2016 on top of all of the reasons that I think led to the election results and current state of the political parties (or lack thereof). 

I am truly taking a moment to reflect and look in the mirror. I can’t keep doing this. 

In 2016, I had returned to Michigan determined to overcome. I was miserable when I had gone back home. I couldn’t get the healthcare that I needed, was living in a bug infested home that contributed to my breathing issues, and felt misunderstood as I needed help trying to survive my physical and mental health following the assault and the diagnosis I suffered the previous year. I had never been one to accept defeat and stay wallowing in despair. I was unhappy and I knew that if I wanted to address these issues, I’d have to face my demons head on and return back to Michigan, even if it was difficult to do. Only to find out within weeks that I was pregnant. Returning to Michigan allowed me to pursue the court process against the man who assaulted me, reestablish my health insurance and care with the doctor who had diagnosed me, and to move into a homeless shelter while I focused on gathering the resources I needed to get back on my feet. 

As the years past by, I felt that the best thing I could do to work towards creating the change that would help address the impacts of these issues was to share my story so that others could see how policy and access had impacted my life. The hope in this being that they may come to understand how someone struggles to navigate these issues despite doing everything that they can to “pick themselves up by the bootstraps”. I had always been an open book where I knew others had reasons for remaining silent and I saw my voice as a way of standing up for those who couldn’t stand up for themselves while also providing a sense of safety and courage that they could share their stories too. 

However, over time, my vocality made others feel even more unheard. My voice became so loud that it overshadowed others. When I felt further misunderstood in seeing it said that I only cared about myself in this, I would retrace the steps of my story to prove that this wasn’t just for me, for pity, or for attention - all it showed them was a reinforcement of their belief. Those words hurt the core of my being because it felt furthest from the truth. 

But the reality was, even if they were wrong about my intentions, I pushed those I loved and cared for away fighting for the validity of my story. And regardless of the fact that I did feel that I was understanding of their point of view, I was so defiant that I lost them and only proved them right in their eyes. And in reflecting on this past year in politics, and the past many, that feels like exactly the fucking problem. I am so frustrated every time I go on social media right now as I watch everyone pointing the finger at each other and being unwilling to listen to anyone else but their own point of view and how it impacts them - and I mean that from all sides of the political aisle. This behavior is exactly how we, and I, go to this point. It’s exactly the fucking problem. 

And I can’t do it. I can’t spend another however many years contributing to the problem no matter how valid or strongly I feel about my experiences and how they matter or how I’m trying to help. That attitude is exactly the issue that has led us as a society to where we are right now. And responding to things meant to provoke an emotional reaction out of me only further continues this cycle of trying to recount the steps of my story that led to here - confirming that all I see is myself and my issues and not how that has impacted others regardless. 

Nothing about these next few years is going to be easy on many, many people and even though I still have ways that I struggle, I am far better off and more privileged than I have ever been. The things I am working towards are meaningful and I have learned many important lessons in this journey but I can’t keep making the same mistakes if I ever hope to do something with all of it. 

The last thing I want to do right now is be another source of perceived negativity for people. Especially when that stands in stark contrast to who I really am and how I truly feel in seeing the positive, in overcoming, and in working together for the greater good for everyone. I have been getting better, have started to overcome my depression for the first time in my entire adult life, have the meds I need to tackle my adhd paralysis/procrastination and have access to resources that will allow me to make use of everything that I have learned to help those around me and those most in need to feel valued, seen for who they are, and their frustrations heard. 

I am not going back. 

Well I’ve said this was it before but after deleting my facebook account I’m just putting it out there to you that I don’t hate you and that I still have feelings and care about you.

I wanted to discuss our fledgling relationship over coffee but that possibility ended with a no contact decree.

After asking you to spend more time with you outside of the physical therapy sessions I really couldn’t have another session with you as I felt that I exposed myself emotionally to you.

This is the reason I ended the conversation as little as it was.

Perhaps that isn’t a valid reason to you but my feelings for you will remain hidden until we sit across from each other with coffee in a new relationship not one where I was simply a client but you had a choice to make and I’m not sure what it was to my invitation?

Stars and planets may align but no matter what signs and wonders appear one must choose to walk in them.

The problem my dear Horatio is that the problems lie not in the stars but in ourselves.

David

Signing off until?

I miss you so much. Everything you liked, everything you told me about, all the places and cities you’ve been to, everything has taken on a magical aura. I was walking the other day in a city you told me you’d lived in for years, and I couldn’t stop wondering if you’d walked down that sidewalk. And the way the sunlight was interfering with the windows was beautiful, and I was wondering if you’d thought of it too. It was nice to see something you might have seen too.

A month ago I went to a concert in a place we’d been together, and I looked for you so much. When I was alone in the bathroom I’d cry thinking that a year ago I was with you. I wonder too often if you’re thinking of me too. I wonder too often how you’re doing. I miss feeling your hair, caressing your face, kissing your forehead. Looking at you and thinking that there was nothing more beautiful than you. I would like to call you and tell you that I miss you, but I never will. I would be scared to hear your voice speaking to me differently, I would be scared to see your eyes looking at me differently. It scares me how much I wish you were close to me and that you would hold me and it scares me to know that it will never happen again. That you will never see me as beautiful as before because you will fall in love with someone else. That the more time passes the less we know each other.

It has been three months since the last time we saw each other. We were in the car, you were in the front passenger seat and I was in the back. There was music in the background and the whole time I saw you keeping time with your hand in the car door with the windows open. It was hot, it was summer and I looked at you and kept saying stupid things just for you to turn around. Now it is winter.Even though a year had passed since we first met, every time I saw you you still seemed the most beautiful thing. I wanted to kiss you every moment. I really wanted us to understand each other.

I can’t lie, I still love you. But I do not miss you. I do not like you. This is not temporary. You know what you have done and what you continue to do. You know the impact it had on me and us. You say you have acknowledged it and made effort, but saying you have acknowledged it is not acknowledging it and remorse requires change. This is who you are. You only care when it’s convenient. You have never fought. You have never forgone what you wanted in the moment. You have never let me feel what I need to. You have never accepted the fault in your actions completely. You won’t share much, but you want to share blame even when there’s none to share. You own it whether you acknowledge it or not. Your actions are your choice. Finding new ways to do whatever you want is not a mistake. It’s deceit. My rose tinted glasses have shattered and I see you. You are not the woman I had in my head. You are a monster. If not for our child I would regret ever having met you. There is nothing but disdain left. I will be as cordial as I can, but know, you disgust me. Although I will never bad mouth you to our child, eventually he will see you too. Good luck.

Do you even miss me? Is that you calling me from burner numbers? I could have sworn it was you yesterday. I pick up every call from random numbers hoping it’s you.

I said hello twice and you said my name. But then hung up immediately. If it’s you call me back I promise i won’t yell or get angry or upset. I’m in a much better space than I was and it would really be helpful to be there for each other.

I hope you’re doing ok. I haven’t stopped wondering about you ever since you left. I miss just hearing about your day, where you venturing off to, if you’re dating again.

I’d reach out, but you know the deal.

The Core of any Tragic Romance;

One man's Willingness to blame Unknowable Serendipitous Forces

Rather than Accept the Truth they grant Him

You'll be Forever Missed

But a Fool must Appreciate Fortune's Favor

It's all out in the open now, and i seem to have inadvertantly given myself the closure that will anchor this in the past as i move onward, unburdened by all the anxiety, guilt, confusion, and pain we caused each other.

Bee, i do respect your need for NC, after some deep conversation I am seeing that it might be too risky and difficult to be so close and grow this bond ever stronger. The collateral damage potential is horrifying.

I certainly didn't react well to the way you severed our ties, and i regret that, but you handled this quite poorly as well. You are smart and talented, we could have come together and figured out a way to move forward that makes everyone happy.

Even if that fairy tale ending proved impossible, at least we could carry relief in knowing we will never wonder what-if about it.

I'll always be here if you come back, and you will always own a unique piece of my heart. I hope you get everything you want and find love and connection even more electric than it was between us.

I love you,

B

how i was feeling… how excited i was, how much i had been looking forward to this experience. if i had told you what i had to go through the days before, how i had little to no sleep for the three days before, i went shopping and bought all new clothes for the things you said we would do, i worked two days in one for theee nights so i could not leave my team stranded without their leader. i did not want to overwhelm you with how excited i was with text messages but you were the only person i wanted to talk to every minute. the you i knew hated to text and hated the internet i had no idea you were now the king of the www and DMs so the opposite of the guy i once new. maybe had we communicated things would have been different- all i know is that i was the most excited girl on earth… i wanted to do all the things you promised we would do. that’s all- it did not happen and iit’s all fine everything happens for a reason. i am good with never reaching out to you or seeing you again for as long as i live. happy days to you the stranger i took a ride with

i really mad that you’re doing all this hoe shit… meanwhile telling me some bs “i DoNT hAvE tImE fOr gIrLs” like shut up be truthful man. Don’t you hate liars ? didn’t you always say that to me? do you hate yourself? nah… you’re having the time of your life right now. i tried to not let it bother me but damn. it it does. You’re only texting me because you’re comfortable texting anyone and someone all the time?!?!? ughhhh you are so fucking mean dude i hate that i still want to be nice to you and worry about you and i get nervous and guilty when i go out but you, you don’t give a single shit you are so mean man, how could you be okay with this? you keep saying bad shit about me, making me sound like i’m the bad guy that ended our relationship, NO im not. maybe it is my fault for staying with you after you broke my trust again and again and again, who fucking wouldn’t be insecure when the love of their life would seek attention elsewhere and from girls that loooked nothing like me. So i’m sorry i looked through your phone i really fucking sorry i found something from a few months ago im sorry i always find something… i hated that bitch you knew i did and you still messaged her and muted her so i wouldn’t know? geeeeezzzz man. im so fucking happy i could have a drink now… stop acting like i was a monster that acted the way i did for “no reason” i had reason dude…. the night you gave your password and told me to look through it and i didn’t because i thought your feelings were genuine and you finally understood how our problems made me feel i thought maybe he did change that part of him, i should’ve looked through your phone you freaking butt i would’ve seen the same thing i saw recently, i just really think wow wtf would’ve happened if i did then. you cried man you cried so much and i fell for it i always do. i’m so incredibly mad at you and myself for still loving you for still hoping you’ll change that horny side of your life. ughhhhhhhh im so angry

Right now I’m between caring for you and hating you. I loved you as my friend more than anything. Saw myself in you, that’s why I cared for you. I guess it reminded me, since I saw myself in you so much, that I deserve the love I give others. I still care about you after the disrespect. I pray for you, my ultimate form of love. You met my family, came into my world and I had plans for you to be in my future. None of it matters now. Whatever happened, happened and it’s too late. I cared for you. I care for you. Remember when we first met and I HATED you? Then I grew to know you and care for you. But now we’re right back to where we started.

You didn’t fucking love me, you loved how I served you and your ego and when things got too real and you saw my insecurities you grew distant and gaslit me into believing nothing was wrong. You treated me as an option instead of a priority as soon as something new came along.

When I’d try to express myself you’d get frustrated and say it was my own issue and my own fault. You never fucking took accountability for your actions. You asked me what you could do differently and I told you but you made zero fucking effort.

This was always just a game to you.

Now this sadness and overwhelming feeling of loss has turned into boiling rage.

I’ll never let a man make a fucking fool out of me again.

What did I expect from a two faced man such as yourself? You’re selfish, you’re unfaithful, a master manipulator.

I’ve always lived my life fearlessly, loving who loves me, letting go of those who don’t without hesitation. I know my god damn fucking worth and somehow you made me question all of it, everything, I have felt so fucking small because of you.

You were right all this time- you were never good enough for me. There was always better men than you and you’re too much of a coward to fucking face me and be honest.

Fuck you, Rick.

Fuck you.

The very second i detach from society and enter my fortress of solitude, it hits me. Everyday the illusion of normality fades once im alone with my thoughts. Not to say that i hate it, Infact its quite calming to come back to reality. Reality is reassuring.

Its not been so long since i started socializing again. I can't help but feel like its all a facade.

When it hits, it hits hard. Hard enough to wound me, the blood reminds me to not give in to the illusions.

Its you i see, when i loose consciousness. The forces of nature compels me to move on, yet i cant. No matter the tide, im stranded, anchored and even grown roots.

I don't know whether i want to move on or not. I wish i was happy, but i wish i was happy with you. I know thats asking too much, yet i yearn every night, just for a glimpse.

I romanticize the idea of forever being in love with you. Never letting go of the memories you gifted me, being able to say that i only loved one woman, in my entire life. Well that seems to be the path ive been chained to. Unconditional love, no matter who you spend your nights with, who you choose to be, and how you chose to treat me, i have,i do and i always will love you.

Only i fail to realize how much hurt that puts me in.

I feel guilty when my heart aches to see you happy with someone else. To see you discover and explore life with someone else. All i can think of, is that it should have been me.

Till the wounds get bigger and the blood gets thicker, i will always love you.

Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do But if I don’t you’ll never stop going in and out I’m not a revolving door When you love someone you don’t hurt them because you see something shiny That That That is how I know it was never supposed to be

I lose everything healing But hey As long as your happy

Who cares what I become Because I don’t

My dream is like dry sand In my hand

So I close I seal I detach I erase

I’m destroyed
I search for peace It never appears

My emotions are the problem So I destroy them I will never again

Crazy Cat Lady

Why are you so beautiful, have a great sense of humour and brains? Why is your skin so soft on those beautiful curves? Why did I smile everytime I saw you? Why did I fall in love with you so deeply? Why? Because you were everything I could have wanted and all you did, was be yourself. I wish you were none of those things now. That way I could forget you and move on but I am still in limbo hoping one day you will want to try to and make this work.

Hey girl. I miss the he'll out of you. I wanted to tell you something and get it out of my head and hope to shed light on where I'm at now. I'm sure you have ppl telling you tons of info about me and my life now that you aren't here. And thr truth of it all is probably not what they say but we will talk and clear all that one day. What I feel is most important for u to see is this. The last day we we held one another in tears right before you left has not left my mind I have put my self through emotional turmoil and caused a lot of my own pain. I used to try to blameshift it to you but looking back it was me. I was horrible to everyone so selfish especially to you. I finally had my wish and fucked it all up. I hadn't let go of our past. I thought I had but honestly I hadn't so the fear of letting you hurt me again caused me to hurt my self when you were trying to be thr best you could and I appreciate that now more than you imagine. I'm sorry for everything I did or didn't do that caused you any negative emotions. Your my world. My everything, I hope I'm not to late to save us. I wish you would reach out and let me hear your voice again. Let me apologize in person. And just say my peace. If that is indeed how it ends up. I adore you and hope your happy right now. I hope you one day look back and see how hard I tried to fix things but I'm my own worst enemy and I broke my self. Which is why I'm able to say that I have healed. I know that I no longer hold on to anything because I have started work on being my extra most bestest self..because I can't live how I was living any longer. The past is the past and I don't want it back. But I do beg for a new beginning with you.. both of us thr best version of our selves that's what we deserve after all these years a time when we both give it our best shot sober and willing .... this is my last letter to the void. If you want to reach out . Dm me or call me on snap I know u can find me there I love you.................

and tonight i am drowning.

the feelings don’t slow, they don’t soften. maybe this is the wound time doesn’t heal.

i’ll cry out silently wishing to see the sun again.

loving you still, even in the darkness left by your absence.

Dear void,

I haven’t been writing but I’ve been sitting with these thought for a few days so here’s to letting it out. Im questioning whether or not I know how to love. Every part of me is so afraid that I won’t and can’t love someone the right way. I’m afraid that Ill get too caught up in my own life that I overlook the needs of others. looking back at my past acquaintances, I can’t help but wonders if I demanded too much? If I give enough and if I unknowingly caused any wounds? I want to love someone right but all these failed attempts make me feel like I don’t know how to do it. Part of me build up a wall so high that I walk into everything with so much cautions. I can let people in but not too close, I can be vulnerable but not too much. I am more cautious now than ever and I’m so afraid of hurting people that I can’t find the courage to let my guard down and let someone in. I always keeps people at arm length and now I feel like my vulnerability is nothing but a burden. I want to open up but I have so much feelings inside of me, feelings that I feels like is too deep and too complex for people to understand or want to explore. I don’t know how to do surface anything the only way for me to let someone in is through trust and I only know how to trust when there’s deep vulnerabilities. But with recent events, I don’t even want to be vulnerable anymore. I used to believe that being vulnerable is not only for my own good but it’s also beneficial for others to feels seen and opened up but now I just don’t know. What if it’s unwanted? My feelings and thought are too complicated so staying at a distance is what I feel I need to do. No one can get close enough to truly hurt each others this way. Life is too complicated and I think that it’s better if I do it alone. I don’t know how to love when I’m drowning and It’s better If I don’t attempt to. One of the worst things that you could do to someone is awaken their love without the ability to live them properly so I think I’ll keep people at arm length for now.

I really don't know what you want from me anymore. I thought you wanted love. I have given you all the love I have ever had, my whole heart. But this is not enough. I feel like I'll never be enough. And I want to be loved too. I'm so tired. I tried so much to love you, to make you happy. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I can't ever make you appreciate, understand or just love me.

As the months go by, it doesn’t get easier. I’m still in the same headspace as I was two years ago. I thought it would get better, but as each month goes by, I feel more drawn into what once was.

I know I remember it differently than it was, now I see more butterflies and bright moments, I like to keep the other memories under the carpet. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling so much moving on.

It doesn’t help that you always will wonder too. I hate you for telling me that. The last time we spoke, I wanted to tell you I was ready again. Especially after what you said to me. But in that same line, I had discovered that you moved on. So I turned around and shut the door. But it feels like I’m just behind that closed door, waiting to hear a knock. And I’d go back.

I understand why you had to move on, and things would be so different if you had just left it at that. But maybe you’re the only one in the world who ever loved me and wanted me forever. Maybe I should have taken the good with the bad and had my happy ending.

Instead, I’ll go by each day of my life and wonder what we could’ve been.

I miss you in a way that isn’t slowing down. The feel of you. The smell of you. The taste of you. I find myself hoping you’ll reappear, somehow. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say.

Dearest friend,

I think of you and your situation often. I think and I am filled with sadness, frustration, and some anger for you. Some of it may be directed towards you, even. I don't know if I should blame you. I don't know if you deserve to be blamed, though you've definitely made what could be called the worst decision of your life.

You have once again fallen for potential.

Remember when we were talking about my terrible heartbreak over that one guy I just couldn't get over, and you just got me, you understood and you were the only one who could, and I just felt so seen. You said, "you'd be such a good guy if..." Yes, he would've been such a good guy if this or that or the other.

When I was still having such a hard time letting go and was debating on whether I should message him on his birthday, but I thankfully didn't (thanks to my therapist) you told me how much you admire me for my decision because in my stead, you'd have surely messaged him and made yourself look like a fool. This happened a while ago, but in the context of your more recent decisions, it has come back to the forefront of my mind and it has made me realise one very painful thing: you do not respect yourself.

Your partner is one of those guys who would be such a good guy "if". He's unlike your previous partner, who most definitely would've been such a good guy "if" - that guy wasn't worth it in such obvious ways. But this one, your current one, is lacking in subtler not so egregious ways - not to the naked eye, at least. You made the mistake of grading by comparison and so you have once again fallen for potential.

You moved to a foreign country where you knew nobody, had nobody, and shortly thereafter met him. You saw him, you wanted him, you snatched him. If you hadn't acted fast, nothing would've happened because he would've never made a move. But you did, and now you're together.

It feels good, you're happy. He's your type. He's someone that you can talk to and he listens, unlike your previous partner. You can communicate. You can work together to overcome any hurdle may come your way, and that overjoys you because you didn't have that before. You're happy that you have a partner who wants to put in the effort to make your relationship work, a partner that you can be vulnerable with. You have someone in this foreign country. You're not alone.

So you ignore his immaturity and lack of experience. You ignore his irresponsibility. You merely tolerate his excessive smoking habit, even though you're not impressed with it. You'd like if he at least toned it down a bit, but doing so is like pulling teeth with him. You see he's prone to impulse buys and not very wise with managing his finances. He asks you for money very early on in your relationship, which to his credit he pays you back, but you use this as a test to see what kind of guy he is. You ignore his mother remark about your age, because he hadn't had anyone prior to you so she'd "accept anyone at this point".

Inexperience shouldn't be an issue nor a red flag. However, you are now starting to realise that it may have been an issue and it should've given you reason to at least halt the progress of your relationship. It's not the lack of experience that makes him an unfit partner, it's this quite painful realisation that you now have to sit with. When you met him, he was approaching thirty and utterly hopeless when it came to relationships and approaching women. He had dreams of this huge family with 5 children but the chances of that happening were very slim, the chances of him being with someone were very slim. Until you came along and it was perfect because you did all the work. So now you have to wonder if he settled in a way with you because you were the only one willing to give him the time of day.

But you're happy and things are good and sometimes they aren't as good, but he's the guy that you can talk to, he's the guy who listens to reason, who listens to you, and who is willing to put in the work. That makes you happy. Even when he turns moody and angry and starts yelling and throwing things around and everything seems like it could set him off - at least he doesn't hit you, at least he doesn't cuss you out and call you names, and then he's sorry and apologises and admits to his mistakes and he cries and you cry too and you hug and you cry together and this beautiful moment is created where you overcome yet another hurdle and you're reassured in your ability of working through any sort of difficulty may come your way.

Then there's another hurdle: children. He wants them. You don't. Not really. You're a fencesitter, leaning more towards no. So you sit and you think and you almost drive yourself crazy thinking of all the possibilities and you are rational enough to know that if you don't want children, you'd have to break up, and you've already moved in together. You worry about your lack of motherly instincts but he tells you you'd be such a good mother, you worry about gaining weight and him losing attraction to you, but he reassures you saying he wouldn't mind that because he'd know he did that. So you ponder some more and you decide that actually, you want to have one child with him. It's him and he's a good partner and he'd made a good father, he's a good man, he listens, he communicates, he's open, and you live in a country that will support you and no matter what happens you will not fear homelessness with a child.

So you go ahead and you tell him and he's so happy and it's so romantic when you start trying and you don't use protection for the first time. You easily get pregnant and he's so happy, his face hurts from all the smiling. The pregnancy goes along well, without a hitch, you're healthy, the baby is healthy, and you give birth to a precious baby boy.

Turns out, you do have motherly instincts and you are a wonderful mother. It comes so natural to you. Seeing you with the baby is such a beautiful thing and I love you both so much. He is truly so precious and such a gift to this world.

Your partner is a good father too and he is a very involved parent. He started out wanting this more than you did, after all, but it now seems that you want it more than he does.

Right after the baby comes, he decides to quit his job because he cannot stand the people he's working with anymore, it's too stressful and he doesn't want it to prevent him from being there for his son and enjoying his time with him. Fair enough, you think, it's not the end of the world, you're secure enough for this and he's going to find something else to work.

He sits unemployed for more than 6 months and your maternal is up and you have to go back to work. It's not a big deal, you enrol the baby in daycare and his father is also going to be at home to watch over him. It's really not too bad, but it's been a long absence from work and you will need time to readjust and that stresses you a bit. You're now the only one with an income and you have to sustain everyone. Things at work aren't too bad and everyone is happy you're back and they appreciate you because you're very good at what you do, but it's still stressful and the workload is high. You have to go home to a fussy baby and a grumpy partner who does not seem to do anything to improve his situation.

Things keep piling up and as he once again asks you for money, you snap at him that you won't give him money anymore. It makes him angry and he leaves, then he comes back, tells you how angry that made him, but that it also made him realise he's not in a good situation, he should straighten himself up, and that you should've told him sooner that it bothered you.

It keeps on piling up, you are very stressed, work is tough, he's still unemployed, the baby is fussy, so you snap and you hit the baby. You regret this in an instant and you hate yourself for it. Remorseful and frightened, you come clean to your partner, and he threatens to call CPS on you.

You're at your wits end and your financial situation is worsening. It comes out that he's in big shit and hasn't paid his taxes in years. He has accumulated other debt as well. Thankfully, your finances are split, but you have to sit down and cancel every subscription and do away with any non-essential spending just so you could scrounge some more money. You're rational enough to let him know that his debt is his alone and while you have money put away, there's this amount you're unwilling to go under, because you must have security for you and the baby in case of anything.

You have a very serious conversation where he tells you that he's a financial burden in this family and you are the emotional burden in this family. You're stressed, you're frazzled, you're the only one who is working, the only one making sure you can put food on the table, you have a baby to take care of and a partner who is apparently not past boyhood... but you're the emotional burden, and he decides that you should take driving lessons because it's unfair that he's the only one who drives and you all depend on him.

Months later, he's started taking work here and there, but nothing close to a regular schedule. Still, he dreams of office jobs without higher education. He still wants 5 children. He's moody and angry and yelling at you. He's now calling you stupid and a waste of his time because you "let" the baby mess up the thermostat.

The baby is now 1 years old. Your partner hasn't made a dent in his debt. You are now realising that tougher conversations should've taken place before having a child together. You know that had the child not been here, you'd have long broken up. You only now realise that you're too different to make things work. You tell me that you sometimes feel as if he has not yet warmed up to the idea that he is now sharing a space with you and the child. You discuss the future of your relationship and he tells you that with all his debt, he would not afford the break up because he'd have to pay you child support and he wouldn't be able to live.

But he's a good guy. At least, you can talk things out. He listens and he's willing to put in the work. You have been able to overcome any hurdle so far, and that gives you reassurance. A baby is now here, too.

My dear friend, being a good guy is not enough. What good is it for that you can communicate, when his recklessness makes you so stressed, that you lose your patience with your baby? Is he a good guy, when instead of reflecting on his share of the situation, he threatens to have your child taken away from you? How does it make him a good guy, such a good communicator and listener, when he is unable to empathise with how frazzled you are? It did not once occur to him how difficult it is for you to be the only one with a stable job and income when you're dealing with such a shit financial situation.

Being a good guy is not enough. He is irresponsible and selfish. He is still a boy despite being past the age of 30. A child has not made him more responsible, as you hoped it would. It made him worse. You know it. Deep down, you know it. He's not a suitable partner. He may be a good father, but he's not a good partner to you, and the child will feel the tensions between the two of you. You should not have procreated, but the child is now here and you have to stick it out.

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you these things instead of writing them here. If I did, you'd probably hate me, even though deep down you already know all this. I'm not ready for the hit our friendship will take. Because if I tell you this, I should also tell you how I wish you'd respect yourself more. Want more for yourself. How disappointing it is to see how you allowed the fear of loneliness and starting over take over yourself and make you ignore all the red flags. How you once again fell for potential. A potential that will never materialise.

You deserve more than a partner who thought you were his last and only chance. You deserve more than to be settled with. I wish you knew that.

He shot me with his cursed arrow and now I’m stuck, torturing myself over the thoughts of you.

I’m so tired of these feelings, like I’m locked up, like no one else is allowed to even get close to my heart or my mind. I’m trapped in this stupid loyalty to you, and it drives me mad. I wanted you. I was desperate for you. I begged for you. And now all I do is dream of seeing you again, feeling something real again.

I can’t stop these stupid dreams from choking me. Every time I try to move on, I end up right back here – stuck. I swear Cupid must be a damn demon, laughing at me while he watches me lose my mind.

You didn’t deserve to be the object of my obsession, but here I am , still wanting you. I try to push you out, but you keep creeping back in, haunting me in my sleep.

When does it end ? When will I finally stop longing for you, stop fooling myself, and let go of this pain you left behind ?

I would love to stay and continue sharing the depths of my feelings and emotions with you, hoping you can truly understand the turmoil I’m going through right now. But my duty as a mother calls, and in this lifetime, I’m doing both parents' jobs. It’s a responsibility that’s heavy, but I carry it with love. Until next time. Chao!

I met you in the in-between, a place where time feels thin and raw. A flicker in the crowded dark, a voice I never should have heard, but wanted to.

Your words fell soft, like summer rain, and every moment whispered close— a chance, a spark we couldn’t name, and yet it breathed, and yet it grew, in silence.

We laughed like we had known before, some secret life, some other time. But here we are, on different roads, two travelers with miles to go, unfinished.

I watch you walk away, and ache, pretending not to feel you go. It’s better for you, better for me— I tell myself, though every inch says otherwise.

But fate, it keeps its iron fist, and though I wish I’d met you first, the world’s not ours to rearrange, and love, for all its light, can’t change the stars.

So here I am, a quiet ghost who’ll haunt the edges of your path, grateful for the “almost” we were, wishing for more, and letting go at last.

It's the bolt that leaves your heart dumbstruck when you look across the table to see eyes meet your own in a way you thought no one would ever look at you...not at you. It's the infuriatingly addictive repetition akin to a severe storm when you start to realize they're always looking at you that way, and now they know you know. And you can't hide from them any longer the lightning fast response that your eyes spoke without your rational consent.

It's a stabbing bolt running down your limbs with convulsion when calcified cortical armor squeezes a gelatinous cushion to protrusion. Something so profoundly antagonistic radiates just below a thin layer layer of skin when the buffers in a tree trunk built of bone are forced to compress the very fibers of electricity that keep this walking meat show moving.

It's the obvious, dangerous beauty that lights up the night sky in fleeting glimpses of patterns that only nature can master. Paths of least resistance mirrored in river networks and instinctively chosen destinations with the most benefit as similarly espoused by the slower moving trees below. Wild static filling the atmosphere to the brim with mixed feelings of spellbinding allure and terror.

It's the ripping surge that sends you into panic when he stops the car. The tingling in your fingers that makes you want to flee fast as a bolt when you see you're perpendicular and still in an intersection where he doesn't have the right of way. When movement resumes after your frantic pleading, it strikes again in form of the hairs standing on the back of your neck when the usual excuse comes out; he "couldn't tell which way the traffic was going to move."

It's the sudden tremble of thrill heating the blood in your veins when you take that step off the ledge and feel gravity play with you like a ragdoll. The Levin breathes conductivity that mutes your brain of thought while the wind assaults your eardrums. It's the strike of the harness that pulls your fragility away from the collision of rocks below.

It's the trembling of shock when you wake in the blue hour before dawn. The electric flashes of disjointed memories and compulsions to move, to get out. It's the sting you feel ripping between you and deep inside you worse than the throbbing pain of uteral lining sloughing asunder every month. It's the flash of sickening when you rejoin reality weeks later and realize a piece of your soul was stolen...and you'll never get it back.

It's the incessant flickering of pins and needles prickling your excitement as you watch someone you love reach the heights they always dreamed. All the electricity in the air perspired with the relentless work they put in to have this day. Their day.

Lightning can be a thing...lightning can be a feeling...lightning can be a concept and a way of living.

It came in many forms. Do you see the ways in which it's come to you, cherished one?

And as I think, try to dream of the memories of that day. A girl I barely knew but like I had this feeling of knowing. It was such surprise to have tried you. I was captivated by the taste of your skin on to my lips. Your beautiful eyes as blue as the sky on a blissfully warm summer afternoon.that feeling you know when you go outside and it smells like clean cut grass so satisfied and Content with being. Two beings together. Intertwined together. And that’s when I knew that the girl I met would be the girl I knew.