I remember that time I was at my lowest. I was searching for that one companion or lover with no silly drama. Only straight forward honesty and hope. How terribly wrong I was. I miss the me before you. Care free in so many ways. Always thinking there was more time. I did not know the hurt and rejection that was to come. I never had someone so close yet so far touch my heart and then slowly drift away from me without a warning. I learned a couple of serious lessons so unforgiving. It irreversibly changed me in a huge way. It's a shame what the fear and pain of rejection led me to do to you. Sometimes I wonder if you could find it in you to truly forgive me, but I am a new person now. I have grown a lot over the last couple of years. I went on to make more stupid decisions in the process, but I have forgiven my past self. The biggest mystery in my whole life; were you ever sincere in your correspondence to me? Something I will never know. Closure was overrated anyway.

You cried and forced yourself to get off the phone. So no I won’t believe that this is what you want or think is best. You deserve to be happy. We deserve to be happy.

We both know that we actually could be and I know that’s why it scares us. Just know that id never let you go to sleep without kissing you goodnight. There wouldn’t be a day that you had to go through without me telling you how much you mean to me. Idc about any misunderstandings or arguments that could be had. I’ll go thru whatever as long as it is with you.

How can you be unloveable when from the moment we met I knew I loved you.

Love, Me

Give you what you want from me, because it does hurt me knowing that when you see my name and iMessage light up your phone screen, you most likely aggressively swipe the message away, angrily grunt, roll your eyes, sigh in frustration or maybe everything. And as much as it hurts me envisioning you doing this when once in another life you used to crave talking to me, beg talking to me and blow my phone up (in a cute way, not possessive) so you could talk to me because you missed me and I was taking too long or got distracted… now it’s so easy for you to go days, weeks, months without a word to me… but I can also imagine deep down it just hurt still in multiple ways for you to keep me the furthest away from you as possible and out of your life and reject my cries each and every time.

You told me you resented me, yet I know you still care about my general well being, just from a distance however. You’ll never display that kind of care to my face or up close and personal ever again. When you resent someone, that’s not something you typically get over for a long, long time. And that’s even if you do at all. It’s not that I can’t accept the fact that this is our fate, my heart doesn’t want to accept it for ✨my own✨ selfish reasons. Even though I know I should. I want to let you go, because honestly it speaks volumes when someone devotes this much love and effort into fixing their wrongs in the relationship and doing anything they possibly can to try to bring two people back together that (I foolishly assumed loved each other and wanted a future together) back in each others embraces, only to be met with unrequited feelings, silence, and cowardly discarding. You took everything from me and felt no remorse doing it, and then not even two months after our 4.5 year relationship, you were being physical with other women. And here I am, almost 7 months later still devoted to you and only you.

To be honest… I don’t even know if you deserve an “I’m sorry” anymore… but I do want to give you want you want, for you, and for me.

Jelly Roll-Save me is forever your song. Forever etched in memory that night we exchanged words in song. Forever now this is your song. Cant hear it without thinking of you.

i am actually so happy i let you break my heart again last week. instead of being sad and missing you, and missing what we used to have, i kind of resent you now. i had this idealized image of you in my head from how you treated me two years ago, and i held onto that image every time you broke my heart. i held onto the way you USED to make me feel. i was obsessed and in love with the way you made me feel two years ago. last week it finally hit me how much of a shitty person you are. despite my wrongdoings, i never treated you like that. i never intentionally did something just to make you hurt. i put you over everyone else, even myself. i made sure to always make you happy in the ways i knew how. so, seeing you last week, and seeing the kind of person you are, makes me sick. makes me regret ever loving you to begin with. regret loving you the last two years even though we only spoke two total since we ended things. so thank you.

you are a shit person. there is something wrong with you if you can treat people like this and not feel guilty. i cried over you every single day, to the point i was too numb to cry. i missed you every single day. every time something happened in my life, my first thought was telling you. i ranted about you to my sister and friends so often, repeating the exact same things about how guilty i was for hurting you, how much i regretted not being braver with you, how badly i missed you and felt like i was drowning without you. you were the only person ive ever loved. i wish i never did. i didnt love you, i loved the person i thought you were. i was so obsessed with you. it physically ached knowing you were happy without me. i held onto every tiny bit of hope i could. fuck you.

i hope karma gets you. you deserve nothing good. it was just cruel, you playing me like you did. at least mine was a scared accident that i immediately tried to fix. yours was a planned action, and to make it worse, you KNEW how badly it hurt me. you knew how badly my heart was breaking. that night we spent together last week, i cried when you went to bed. i cried in your arms while you held me tight and played with my hair and kissed me. you didnt even know. i cried because i knew this was the last time we would be together like that, and i cried because of the absolute fucking pain you have put me through the last two years. i hate you. honestly, i hate you more than i hate J***. Emotionally destroying my heart and trust is worse than what J did to me. i will never forgive you. dont come back to me. the anger i have for you is destroying the love i once had for you. i hate you. so much.

I wish I could take all the sadness you feel and Chuck it out the window

I wish I could bring back the girl you loved that was sent away too soon.

I wish you could you see how much you are loved and that you could be happy once more.

I know things are different between us and you have created barriers that you wish not to break.

So I will respect your wishes and wish you well. But know that your breaking my heart in the process.

I know it isn't your care or concern, but its true.

I love you sweetheart.

I think about how I would love to see you. If I showed up in your city, would you answer my call? Or would you walk away as you do now?

I won't wait forever and know when I walk away I won't come back, even if my love is forever.

It's been almost too many months since we last spoke. I won't reach out again. You told me you would answer my question and then you bailed. This one sided love got old. It's been seven years of hanging on by your thread. I'm not putting in anymore effort. You clearly don't care if I'm in your life or not. You clearly never felt the same. You clearly can't see how much this breaks my heart. You clearly will always love drugs more than any one person. You clearly prefer toxic men who just want to use you. You don't care about love or sparks or magic. You turn everything into a joke because for fucks sake your so scared to be vulnerable.

What I felt for you was raw and pure and devastating.
Being around you felt like touching an exposed nerve.
You were electrifying to my senses.

I'm gone ✌️

I’ll probably delete this fairly quickly, but I just miss you, and I know you’ll never see this, but maybe I need to write to you tonight.

Where the f are you? I didn’t think you’d be gone this long. To quote a great song, “I’m starting to wonder if you are ever coming home.”

I know you’re not coming home. 

A mutual friend told me you’d suffered some pretty big losses lately, and nothing, no word from you. I don’t want bad things to happen to you, but, I would have like to have been there for you. I think about when we met and how, just, destroyed you were, and I just hope you’re not suffering right now.

I can’t write to you because, the times I have previously, you’ve been an asshole. I probably deserve that. But it has been contaminating my memory of you– that you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, and you’re a unique person, and that I super love you. I loved all the time we spent together, even the bad shit. Even the hospital visits. I wanted to be there for you.

It had never occurred to me that you weren’t my person. And in that way, I took you for granted, and I apologize for that.So the thing is, we’re coming up on a year now. I’ve mourned you for too long, and I know that’s my choice, but it’s one of two choices I have left. I will always love you, but I have to stop loving you.

Every moment that you don’t get back in touch, the infinity of moments between the last time we’ve talked or fallen asleep together, speaks for itself. I have to get you out of my head. All you’d ever have to do to have my undying loyalty is say, “Please come home.” You were my home. We could get a little house together and just be in love and watch bad movies (and some good ones). But I know I'll never hear from you again.

This is the last time I will allow myself to think about you. I have to move on.

My friend J, sent me a favorite song of yours today and asked what I thought. It brought up a lot of memories.

Happy dreams.

From DA to SH.

just say the word and I'll get in the car and drive to you, we can say nothing and simply spend the night loving one another. You can take all the aggression you need out on me, I am absolutely yours, you can take me as you please. Since the moment we met and you looked at me like that, I can't help but imagine you devouring me, inch by inch, teeth nipping at me

I think I caught you staring a few times to say the least, I'd like to think you were imagining what I might taste like, How I might sound when you kiss me, We can be as physical as you need mi cielo Just let me come see you.

Are you picturing it now, how I might look beneath you? I assure you, I can be lust if you need. I'll take you at any capacity. I hate to admit it but I've slept with you in my dreams and it was so sickeningly sweet.

I just can't imagine spending so much time near you and not have gotten a taste of you. Your eyes give you away, the jealousy when someone else was near– I think you better give me what I want soon.

-Parker Posey

You never deserved me; not at least with a fair fight and playing field. I became tainted, wilted by your pull, by a perfect dream of your love.

It was warm and like a sunset; I thought as fast as you could have left you’d stay, day after day.

You didn’t deserve me, but you tasted a sliver of the love I wanted to build with you. What I would have done to see you become the person you once told me you felt around me - the man who you wanted me to see.

But maybe he stays with me. And you’re gone.

I was true.

I was real.

I was extraordinary and you saw it; but there was someone else, wasn’t there? Not always, but it’s a sting I want to address.

How can I move on? It’s not possible. Not right now. Not for a while. My gaze was set on you, and it was set with a serious goal: to be your one and only.

• AM

To the one that breaks my heart, day after day..

You screamed at me today. In public. And all I could think was "how could I bring myself back to this, again?." I stayed quiet and walked away. You never said sorry. You screamed at me and called me a child, and couldn't even say sorry. You left me there, and couldn't even be bothered to look back.

I'm the one who always says sorry, and I'm fucking sick of apologizing for you, and to you.

I do. I miss talking to you. Waking up knowing l'll definitely see a red 1 mark on my notification as soon as I open my account. Miss telling you what I feel without needing to hide. Miss having a person I can share my problems without filter. Miss showing sides of myself I couldn't show other people. Miss the feeling of security you give me. Miss your naughty personality. Miss you making me laugh out of nowhere. Miss the way my heart beats a little bit faster. Miss building a future with you. Imagining all kinds of scenarios of a future home with you.

I pray to God, please. If he is not for me, make my feelings and longing for him go away. And if he is for me, give him to me soon.

Put all the goodness into him. Bless him with all the blessings. Guide him to me soon and make him mine to cherish and love forever.

-🍯

Dear Firestarter,

You're hurt, I get it. You had been hurt for a while, which is how this happened. The problem is, you failed to admit your part in anything (even before you met me) and that is not sustainable. If you refuse to see that your behavior resulted in someone not being able to cope with you, then you blame the person who couldn't cope with you, and we know the rest. Soon fucking a low-level bitch who spits and throws shit becomes acceptable. You lie to me, and you lie to yourself, and when asked a question, Everything becomes my fault because I don't know how to cope with a grown man who acts like a child.

But I get it. I know you were hurt because, for some reason, you expected so much from me that I couldn't be or do. I come on here and express my pain, but I am aware that you feel hurt (or felt hurt) as well. 🙏🏽💚

It's funny to think that of how the haunted house wasn't all that scary, but it was a day that basically murdered our friendship if you think about it.

I miss you

Fuck you Alyssa. You're the only person I had left. You're the only one I trusted not to lie to me. You're the only person that I believed would stay. You promised me and you fucking lied to me. We used to have a real connection. We used to be fucking inseperable. You were my sister. I loved you. I would have died for you. Why are you like everyone else? Why the fuck did you do that to me? Why does everyone do this to me? Fuck you. Fuck you and I hope you die. Fuck you and you're nothing to me. Fuck you because you don't want to exist to me anymore. Fuck you because you left me like everyone did. FUcck you because you broke your promsei. fuck oyu because you can't stenad me. fuck you because you lied . fuck you fuck you ffuck ou FUCK YOU FUCKINGG DIE I HATE YOU

Just leave again then just fucking go don't even reply but don't let me expregss myself because that makes you mad don't let me talk to you about how I feel because you don't fucking care becuase even though you never fucking talk to me, and you dry text me when you reply; it makes you mad to hear about my feelings about how much I miss you about how much I miss my sister about how much I miss my dear friend fuck you fucking die everyone should fucking die everyone who lied everyone whjo fucking used me I hope you all die fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck oyu fuck you fuck you because you don't care about the real me fuck you becasue you can't stand me fucking die alyssa fucking die so most of the memories I have of you are when you were a person fuck you fuck you

Hey again, Dear sweet baby Jesus, they had a tub, THAT ACTUALLY has 1. A stopper and 2. Hot water. After driving 10? Hours I think? It was heaven. I've picked up smoking again to get through moving mom from one end of the country to the other, but I plan on putting them down as soon as this is over. But I still haven't killed her or had a drink. I opened the hotel fridge, and some well meaning good Samaritan left 2 beers in there, that was hard to look at and leave alone, I left them there for the next person, but my first instinct was to either drink them immediately or open them up and pour them down the sink. I'm relieved to get her home, my mind was spinning every day wondering if she was going to die alone, but even if she dies with family, she's going to be angry and disappointed. She's had a hard life, so I know why she's such an angry ball of grr, but it's hard to be respectful sometimes. I remind myself that I'm no fucking prize either, and that no matter what, she loves the shit out of me, but man it's hard hearing some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth sometimes. When she was across the country, she was "mommy" beloved, benevolent, all things good. But in close quarters, we will eventually kill each other. I'm happy to get her back home so she won't be lonely, but I already know that this is going to end up in tears, anger and lots of drama. I love her so much. I feel so guilty for being guarded and to be honest, a bit scared for her to be in the same town as me for more than 7 days. I never, ever want her to feel anything but love and acceptance from her family, but holy shit, that mouth of hers. She doesn't understand why the world is so mean and hard for her (I'm guilty of that too, I know) but it's just 90% shit talking and 10% about the weather.... or the past, we talk a lot about stuff that happened in the past because I think we're both still processing it. She's a good, loving woman, but she's stubborn and judgey, she's a lot of negative things, but she's still my mom. She's going to come back to a place that is 50% minority (which is funny in my mind because she is also a minority), and be a racist (weird side note, only in generalizations, not individually, the people she knows she's good with, to a point, she'll eventually cut them and everyone else out of her life because they did something "horrible"). She's going to come back to a place that is super expensive, but she has no money, we can help a little, but not much. I'm scared for her. I'm scared that her outdated thinking is going to get her into trouble, make her feel like shit about herself because she brings it on herself (again, I'm guilty of these things as well), but she's in her twilight years, she's not going to change. I can't protect her from the world or from herself. We've spent, I dunno, a lot of hours in the car together, and tonight at the hotel after I got out of the car, I just wanted to breathe, to get a break from her. I think I hurt her feelings. Yesterday we fought because we had some difficulties with logistics. I'm fucking up her welcome home and I feel horrible. Anyhow, thanks for listening, have a good night.

• me

You’ll never know what it was like loving and hating you at the same time. And you’ll never know how it feels grieving for a person yet feeling so free.

I won’t yet call you, “my love.”

I’ll leave that to you, if you choose to.

Your calculated seduction however, it is drawing me nearer.

You know, I’m usually the seductress.

I’m accustomed to being the one who takes the control.

They’ve always preferred this… The others.

You were a selected switch that I don’t regret.

I am still holding back, though.

Calculated restraint.

I needed YOU, a man who would lead.

Yes, it’s paying off so far.

A man who would use his masculine energy to take me to where I deserve to be.

Yes, that is you.

I’m grateful for this opportunity to tease and use any talents I possess to delight you, in all the ways you choose.

I am yours.

I hope you know that you can ask.

You’re so different.

It’s probably why I’m so infatuated with you.

We’re entangled.

You’re already mine and I was yours from that first time.

I’m willing and I am able.

Be my muse, it’s time for that new story to be written.

Hello, it's me, your daughter. I've been so stressed and down for so many years, yet you see me like nothing's happened. I wish I could tell you that I need you right now, not just to talk about money. You left me with nothing, and now I carry all these heavy feelings. I wish one day you would ask, "Are you okay?" because that's the only thing I want to hear from you. I hear this from so many people that I care about, but I want it from you guys. I want you to know that I can't take it anymore. Can I rest? Can I take a break? Why is this happening to me? Why is the universe so unfair? What did I do wrong? If reincarnation is real, was I bad in my past life?

Growing up, I may not have been a perfect daughter, but I still followed you guys. Why do you make me feel this way? I love you, I really do. I can't imagine my life without you.

To my sister, who has her own family now, why did you leave me while this family is still a mess? I thought we were going to fight this together. I thought we were going to prove that even though we've been dealing with so many problems, we would still make it in the end because we are family, right? But why did you leave us so quickly? I know you're tired too and wanted to escape, which is why you made your own family. All I want to ask is, are you happy? Are you tired? Do you think leaving us was a good choice? Are you sad right now? Why, every time we catch up, do I feel like there are so many things you want to say?

This is me, sis. I'm still your younger sister. I want to comfort you, but for now, I just can't because I've been dealing with battles inside that no one knows about. I thought meeting new people would make it easier for me, that venting to my friends would lighten the load. But why is it still so heavy, so heavy that I feel numb? I ignore it and make myself busy. Why don't I have someone I can run to? Why do I feel this way when there are people around me? Am I too hard on myself? Am I?

Sex has always sort of governed my relationships. Longest relationship I’ve been in, the sex was pretty great… but I broke things off because sex was the only thing keeping us together in the end. I struggled to leave because I was afraid I would not find anyone who could do the things that he did in the bedroom… but it was so toxic I had to go.

Then I was single for 5 years. I had a few random hookups but nothing special. The sex was nothing memorable. I started to accept that maybe sex wasn’t everything, so I began developing attachments to people based on their personalities, despite the fact that the sex was garbage and disappointing.

I ended up dating and getting engaged to someone who I had zero sexual chemistry with, all the while telling myself I didn’t need it. We didn’t have sex at all... I just told myself that’s the way it was. But towards the end I couldn’t take it anymore. I realized how miserable I was and I had to end it.

I left and after that I didn’t even try dating for a full year. I was so fucking jaded and tired of not being able to connect with anyone on that deeper level that I craved…

And then I met you.

I started off by just getting to know you and falling for your personality. We had a lot in common and we got along so well. I liked you so much that I was honestly terrified of having sex with you because if it was bad I was going to be so disappointed.

But holy fucking hell did you surprise me that first time… And it just keeps getting better and better every time.

You have your shit together. You don’t do dumb and impulsive shit. You’re not a mean and violent drunk. You’ve shown me from the start that you’re not interested in dating other people, and I don’t get the feeling that you’d cheat. You’re smart and creative and soooo fucking attractive… and god… the sex. The sex is honestly up there with the best, if not the absolute best I’ve ever had. Sure, we’re still a little awkward, but I only see it getting better.

How could I not fall for you? I really hope I’m not delusional and that you see a future here too. I hope I make you as happy as you make me… and if not, I hope you tell me if there’s anything I can do to change that… and if for whatever reason you don’t feel the same, please don’t string me along. Let me down sooner rather than later.

Look I agree that at this stage we evidently can’t work this out. Not having the understanding or the experience to know whats going wrong doesn’t mean its not important to me. I would be doing it right if i could. Idk what you’re going to do, but I am going to go away and try to figure this out. I get space is whats needed more than anything, I’m not trying to rush this, but if you hit a point where you want to talk about this I’d appreciate hearing from you even from the angle of closing up loose ends, rather than wanting to try again. All the best in the meantime x

I remember you bathed me once.

I never remembered your loving touch that much over eight years-- only the rough. Honestly, now, that sounds fine.

You wouldn't believe I think of hugging you—not because I forgive, but because I have too much unspent love. It's toxic—pure run-off. Stored and leaking from barrels inside me; love that never poured and fed into you like mother's milk.

Now, it sits and degrades inside, stinging and coating my heart and stomach in a tight, painful grip.

No, it can't be used on me; I can’t feel it for myself. It's for you. Carefully crafted just for you. It sat there, unused, while you busily juggled people. Always in a rush from one imaginary location to the next. Endless reasons to dangle your precious time in front of me--before quickly snatching it back.

I'd gladly gasp at the shock of your fingertips on my starved skin again. Dazed, every access point is open 🚪. Shh, just touch, don't talk.

How powerful you are. To create heaven in love and hell in loss.

But you did. I get it. Someone comes by you prioritize them then you come back to me. It’s not fair though. It’s not fair to me. You make me feel so insecure about myself. You make it hard for me to trust you. I don’t know why I put so much effort into you. I wanted you to heal. I wanted to be there for you. But now you’re better you don’t need me? What am I suppose to do now? How am I suppose to move forward? I feel like I would never be good enough for anyone to fully love.

I don’t ever know anything but Ik I saw you that day before she left. And I swear I saw you recently. But once again idk I never know anything You were playing like a little boy

another night spent staring at the ceiling thinking about how good i once saw u before i met the real you

I never want to hear from you again. I will throw up at the sight of you. You viewed me as a burden and a chore, not worthy of investing in and fighting for.

Don't reach out to me in times of need, when you're lonely, when you're bored, or when you're feeling sad and ignored.

Don't reach out to me when you're hurting, when you miss me, or when you're seeking forgiveness.

There might be a day when you feel happy and confident, and a lot more worthy, when you've realized you've bettered yourself and can start over. But not with me, because I won't be waiting.

I deserved better back then. You are nothing to me now. Don't reach out to me.

I’ll always be empty now. Too many holes in my chest, any feeling eventually drains out. It must be a defense mechanism to protect what little ego I have left. After I mishandled our relationship, I have no confidence in any decision I make.

My only redeeming quality is that I work hard, but that doesn’t extend to anything outside of what I’m payed to do. I’ll keep my mask up no matter what, though. I’ll act confident to the point of parody before I tell someone what’s going on in my head. Fake it till you make it, right?

I’m faking it till I can’t take it anymore.

You got better . Now you're sick again

You throw up

Did you sick again

You haven't eaten all day

I hope you feel better

I can't stay home to watch you cuz I have to work

I’m trying…I don’t know what I’m doing.

In this task I’m learning, did I know you well enough? I don’t know how to do this.

You were a sister, a mother, a grandmother, a great grandmother…

I remember when we were younger, you wanted us to call you “G-Ma” because it made you sound hip. When the next gen came, you kept with that and became “GiGi”.

You were strict and stern and damn were you stubborn. You were a hoarder. You were a baker, you were a friend.

You caught us staying up, you caught us sneaking out. You took us on adventures and loved us (almost) every minute, though I can’t fault you for that (we were gremlins after all).

You answered every call. You went to every game. You met every friend.

You taught us how to bluff and when to fold. I’ll always miss our puzzle time…I’m sorry we didn’t do more…

You played cards against humanity.

Your humor was unhinged and unmatched. Up until the end.

There’s so much I want to say about you. I’ve never written an obituary before - I don’t know what I can, or shouldn’t bother including.

If you could work one of those miracles and come listen to these qualms in my dreams…I know you’ll roll your eyes like always, and tell me I’m overthinking, but I miss you answering already - and it hasn’t been a day.

I know that things are hard now.

Just know that in the ways I can,

I'll always try my best to protect you too.

Thank you for the gift.

Im sure you probably think it'd stay hidden a while.

Hope sure has a funny way of poking her head up.

Thank you.