I don't know where to start, but I was raped and manipulated by my dad since I was little. He used to sneak into my room and ‘cuddle’ with me. I didn't like him doing it cuz it didn't seem right and was very uncomfortable, but I couldn't say no. Every time I resisted and begged him not to do it, he was furious and told me he was so disappointed in me, and I really didn't want to do that. He praised me a lot saying I was so pretty and that he was so proud of me, and… I don't know… I just wanted to be loved. It was a few years later when I realized it was so messed up, though nothing significantly changed. Perhaps I knew it even before, but maybe I just didn't want to accept the fact that my dad was a rapist. He’s a perfectly normal man outside, and he had many girlfriends to have sex with. I just can't understand why he did that. I hate him so much that I want him dead, but at the same time I still love him and it really breaks me. The worst part is that I even kinda enjoyed it physically. It's so so fucked up and I can’t stop hating myself. I’m 19 now, and I’ve been better since he was temporarily away for work, and the good thing is that I don't seriously harm myself anymore, though I still have to deal with random panic attacks. I’ve experienced assaults from other guys, too, but frankly, I don't even have a right to call it an assault, cuz I didn't resist much, thinking I deserved all that. I feel like I’m completely ruined. The things he said about me are deeply engraved in my brain and I can’t think of the other ways, like my only use is to be used like some doll. I'm sorry if I blabbered cuz it's almost the first time I’ve told someone about it, so the writing might be messy. Thanks for reading this

Right now im 15. When i was 5 or 6? I used to sleep in a bed with my parents. One time I woke up with my pants down around my ankles and my parents shouting, I pulled them up and went back to sleep. I get disturbing dreams of my family members raping me sometimes. As a kid I was confused but I didn't know anything about rape so my mind never really came to that until now. I don't know what that was I still think about it. Maybe my brain erased the memory?? Is that possible? I don't want to belive I was raped but why the fuck were my pants down? I've been very sexual since that age alot of my games would involve mastrubation and I would mastrubate alot (i was very young). I would make my dolls have sex too and I've abused animals in the past when i was young - which I still feel terrible about, I've developed rape fanisties too, i feel disgusted with myself. Am I just a freak? Why am I wired this way? I really just want to know what's wrong with me. Someone help me please

So I (m25) went to a company function. I have been know as a bit of male hoe. Recently, I got into a serious relationship, and I was so happy to tell everyone. After our conference, I went out with the gals, one particular gal seemed way more interested in me after finding out I had a gf. I successfully managed to dodger her. Me and my roommates went to sleep, it just so happen than one of the roommates (f24) had to end up sharing a bed. Our other roommates passed out together. I was in bed,she grabed my dick (we had been drinking heavily), my dick got hard and she went on it. It was fast and over in like 4 minutes. I immediately got out of the bed and went to shower. I feel like I got violated but I never said no and my dick got hard. I don't know how to feel. I am so sad for my relationships and I know I'll get laughed out of any police station. Should I just bury it and pretend it never happened or was I raped?

How can I do this? Im a victim of assualt but I still trust people blindly I just feel everyone is good. Like now i know people are not good and they will take advantage of my vulnerability but still I trust everyone feels like everyone is good. Why I'm still the same even after that darkest event of my life. People do change' they don't trust people afterwards and all but I'm still dumb feel like I'm preparing myself for another damage.

just after the most recent incident and now that it’s around the anniversary of it, i find myself clenching my muscles down there a lot (because at the time i did my best to keep him out) but it’s become involuntary and clenching so much is making it hard to pee when i go and also ruining the signals of “you’re gonna need to go within the next half hour” because im constantly in the same state of clenching that i would be if i was desperate to go to the toilet.

sorry if this is a strange topic, it’s just something ive had and something particularly prevalent of the past few weeks

Im not sure how im supposed to feel anymore

Hi everyone,

Thank you for reading this. I am a 23 year old woman, engaged and in a wonderful relationship. However, I keep having incredibly intense flashbacks about a sexual encounter I had three years ago in college.

I (20f at the time) was dating my ex, who we will call Ryan (23m), at the time, and we had a very rocky relationship. Ryan was a university student in the UK, and I was a college student in the U.S. During my junior fall semester, I studied abroad in the UK to be close to Ryan. The way Ryan treated me was very abusive, however I did not realize it at the time. During my first few weeks in England, I became friends with a fellow student (who we will call Jake in this situation, 22m), who struck up a conversation with me in a coffee shop. Ryan never took me on dates/I always paid for everything in our relationship, and did not make time to see me. I went through a period of isolation being far away from home, and to try to make me feel better, Jake started having dinner with me as friends. We would see each other about 3 times a week for dinner, and it was very friendly for about 2 months. One night when Jake was walking me home, he kissed me, and I was pretty stunned. It was like I froze, and he immediately left. Being 20 at the time, I had no idea how to confront what had happened, and I was afraid to tell Ryan because I did not know what he would do. I repressed it and kept it to myself, and avoided Jake for a few weeks. During my last week in England, Jake asked to see me one more time for dinner, which I agreed to because I thought to myself "I am leaving and I don't think he will do anything again." In retrospect, I understand now in healthy relationships I should have (1) been honest with Ryan about what had happened and (2) not have even maintained the relationship with Ryan in the first place. I blame myself a lot for this.

It was a really rainy night so Ryan and I ate dinner in my student dorm that we got to go. After dinner, Ryan started becoming very physically touchy and started kissing me again. I tried to redirect the conversation, and to this day I don't know why I was not more forceful in saying no. Ryan was much bigger than me (6'4) and stronger than me. I blame myself. Why did I not stop it better? I really don't think that was anything I wanted to do, but why did I not stop it? What if I wanted it to happen? Eventually he ended up saying something to the effect of "let's have sex" and I just wanted to absolutely disappear. I don't know why I made this decision, but I thought to myself "if I close my eyes and just let this happen, it will be over quicker and no one will ever need to know." I figured that way I could at least control condom use so he would not hurt me in that way. And I let it happen. Ryan left and I never saw him again, and I left the country.

Jake and I dated for 6 more months, and I ended up telling him what had happened when we broke up. For all of those months, it did not bother me because my brain literally erased the memory. It was like it never happened. When I finally told Jake, he said "do I need to get tested" and he said "if I did not want it to happen, I wouldn't feel guilty" (at the time I was, and still am, riddled with guilt).

I was fine for a few years, however recently the memories have come rushing back. I feel like a horrible person, and every time my fiance initiates sex I have to fight off incredibly vivid flashbacks that I feel completely at fault for. I have been in therapy for 8 months and still really am struggling. I feel like everything is all my fault, and I would have never allowed that situation to happen now.

My question is, is freezing and going along with things common among women? It is hard not to feel dirty and like a horrible person.

Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I search my rapist name and town in hopes that an obituary will pop up. Maybe then my brain would quiet. I suppose though, it’s unlikely. It was 15 years ago. I realize while writing this that this is the first time I’ve ever referred to him as a rapist. I never said no. I said nothing. I don’t have sex often. When i do there is part of myself I hold back. This bone deep fear that feels just moments away from sweeping over my body like a wave. When my rapist would use me, I would let my mind go to what I referred to as “the meadow.” Picture the twilight scene where Bella and Edward are laying the grass.. yup that’s where I went. I’d imagine a guy (usually my ex who I never meet and later realized he didn’t exist and catfished me. Yes I know that’s insane) holding me as tightly as he could, saying things like it’s okay… it’s almost over… you’re okay. Over and over again. Afterwards, I’d lie as still as I could, afraid any movement would disturb him and it would start all over. Some days it was easy to get to the meadow. But on the days I couldn’t get there, when it felt as if bugs were crawling up my skin .. he has this pad of white printer paper, between the wall and his twin bed. I’d grab a piece and I would squeeze it in my hands as tightly as I could and just focus on that feeling of that touching my skin. All these years later I realize that I likely have ptsd of some form.. but I can’t afford a therapist. So maybe that will be my New Year’s resolution. Prioritizing affording a therapist, so maybe I can learn to live with it better.

After everything that happened, I can't stop feeling like I deserve to be abused. It happened so often, it feels like there's some kind of black mark on me and everyone can see it. Predators seem to find me easily. It's like they know I'm scared to report, and that I'll do what I'm told. I hate it. I hate every moment of it. But I can't seem to make it stop. I can't seem to stop putting myself in these situations. It's all online now, but it's still cruelty and abuse. I let them treat me this way, and when I try to stop, and forget it all, I get anxious. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I need help. Someone even tried to extort me once by threatening to dox me and I still can't stop. Why? Why can't I make this just go away? Therapy doesn't help. It's like I'm damaged goods

From the age of 6 to 16 I was being abused.i struggle with connecting to others. I struggle with talking to others. I don’t know how I feel most of the time. I can’t even tell my emotions apart sometimes. Anyone else experienced something like this? I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.

i’m so tired of everything, i hate myself, i hate everything, i can’t get it out of my head, all i can feel is their hands, i hate my life, all i can do is cut myself to release the pain, and all i can do is think about what a horrible person i am for putting him in jail, i hate my existence, i hate the fact i want to kill myself every day, i can’t even handle a fucking conversation with my ‘friend’ without being scared i’ll explode. i can’t handle it anymore. i can’t make it stop, i just want it to stop. make it stop.

For God's sake, I feel so fucking dirty!!! My brain chose a TERRIBLE way of coping with my Yeats of sexual abuse, like, pls did anyone else felt like this?!?! I am genuinely disgusted on myself, why am I like this? I feel so fucking bad!!

:(((

I (F22) went out last night for halloween and had a pretty good time, after it was party over I went to my situationship’s (M24) place cuz i missed him. I was also extremely tired from the previously ingested illicit substances and 7 straight hours of partying so I laid in his bed and was half awake, half asleep. Felt slightly paralyzed, but I was happy to take a little nap. Then he kept telling me give him a kiss so I did but I honestly wasn’t sober in the slightest so they weren’t actually kisses, more like just touching his lips with mine. I could barely keep my head up or eyes open. I kept feeling him touching me and rubbing me, but I just chalked it up to cuddling until he got on top of me. He was definitely getting too touchy feely for someone who was half asleep. He eventually stopped for a while until we were spooning and he kept kissing and biting my back (which would’ve been totally fine as we’ve done it before) and eventually ended up laying me on my stomach and holding me down and… entering. My arms were folded under my body so I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. I was fully awake by then and he knew I was because he tried to choke me (in the fun way it used to be). I didn’t know what to do so I just laid there trying to steadily breathe while having my face smashed into a pillow. He pulled my private area apart so hard, it feels like I have tears down there. At one point, he fell out and tried to go back in, but he was directly going into the wrong spot (I set a boundary on anal because ow) and all I could weakly get out was “[name] stop…” and he did. He asked if it hurt and I could barely get my “yes” out. He then had the audacity to ask “can I hit it from the front then?” Like you’re asking just a little too late??? You knew you didn’t have my consent from the start, from the first time you got on top of me, but you still did it anyway. You know exactly what you just did.

I was afraid laying there with my skirt still pulled down, I feared he would get violent and do it again. I eventually mustered up the courage to pull my clothes back on, even though he was basically holding me. I got up and started putting on my shirt that I hadn’t realized he took off. Everything felt surreal, I couldn’t believe this just happened to me. Especially from someone that I looked forward to dating.

He acted like everything was normal and asked me to drive him to a nearby store and the only thing I could say was “I have to go home.” He withdrew a bit and just ignored me. He followed me to my car and asked again. I responded with the same thing. He tried to give me a goodbye kiss, like normal, but I physically couldn’t do it. I only ended up getting my cheek kissed and he seemed insulted at that and just said “alright” and walked away.

This has caused a lot of sadness and confusion. Why would he do this? To someone that was supposed to be your girlfriend? I thought he liked and cared about me. I don’t know what to do about this or how to feel. Part of me is invalidating myself saying it wasn’t that bad, it almost the same as us having sex… except he didn’t have my consent. And it wasn’t like having sex. I didn’t feel good about a single second during that. I’m currently in so much pain down there. I feel numb, I want to cry but i can’t. My brain is majorly downplaying the situation and I can’t help but think, if he did it to me, there is probably someone else too.

I have very complex feeling and sensations I'm just processing until now, I have missing memories from childhood. I didn't make sense of what happened or the ghostlike hands I feel randomly or by triggers I have yet to identify.

I don't remember him nor how or when it happened but I know I really loved him and I really trusted him.

I know he hurt me and betrayed my trust horribly and what he did was wrong.

But I wonder why he left and if I did something wrong for him to leave my life so abruptly.

I miss him and I love him and I want him back in my life, I wonder if he'd take me back.

It feels wrong and shameful to feel that way because I've seen many survivors hate their abuser for what they did.

I do feel angry at him sometimes but maybe not like I should or like it would be normal

Sometimes I wonder if I'll hate him if I remember him or remember what happened but I'm not sure.

A year ago when I was 16 my friend came round to mine and we were bored and had nothing to do so we decided to go on a walk but it was around 10 PM. I told my mum that we were going to a friends (which was a lie) so that she wouldn’t mind us going out late. We walked to the precinct and went into a shop to try and buy alcohol we got some vodka and desperados and put it on the counter and the guy just kept looking at me smiling he looked around late 40s early 50s I went to pay but he shook his head and told us that we could have it for free and he put it inside a bag with some plastic cups that we didn’t ask for. Then me and my friend went and sat on a bench and we drank my friend had the desperados and I drank the vodka. We both drank it all and then decided to walk back home but to walk home I have to walk back past that shop. We went to walk past but the owner the guy who served us was stood at the door of the shop and stopped us and told us to come in I was saying no and shaking my head to my friend but he just told me to “come on” and “it’s fine because I’m with you” that reassured me as he’s a boy so whilst being drunk I didn’t think much off it and just said “ok”. The owner told us to follow him and he grabbed a bottle of vodka and showed us upstairs there was just a sofa and a table. My friend sat down and I went to the toilet because I felt sick I came out and the guy had poured us a drink and told me to sit down but there was only space in the middle of them both. I felt awkward but I sat down we spoke and we drank more and then after a couple more drinks he told my friend that they wanted him downstairs I looked at him scared and as if to say don’t but he just walked downstairs and left me with him. I felt really drunk and dizzy and I remember trying to message my mum that I would be back soon but I couldn’t as everything was blurry and I just felt like I couldn’t keep my eyes open. He layed me down and started to undress me but I felt like I was in and out of sleep I can’t remember certain parts I told him I couldn’t but he had sex with me. I remember feeling scared and like I couldn’t move whilst feeling tired and not able to keep my eyes open. After he gave me and my friend a vape and I can’t remember whether he drove us home or we walked. I can’t stop thinking about it all the time even though it was a year ago it just never leaves my mind. I told someone recently but I just find myself questioning everything and blaming myself and I just can’t make sense of it.

Everything fuckinf bothers me. It's so embrassing. I just want to be normal. Make it all go away. Why did it have to be me.

Is it possible to not really know if it was rape or not? Like I feel like usually it's super bad and clear cut but what if I can't tell? Or what if some of it felt a little good but the rest didn't? It happened a while ago but I can't help but think about it and I feel so confused by it or how I should feel about it...

i don’t live in a small town or anything so it freaked me out bad, badly enough to start panicking. i felt really stupid for reacting at all. im very mad at myself. she didn’t even recognize me, but i knew it was her the second i saw her. i thought moving away could help me avoid these situations but i guess not.

i think my best friend raped me. My friend and i were having a sleep over hes (19m) and i’ve always felt safe around him we’ve never done anything sexual or nothing. i’ve never had feelings for him and he knows that but we were alone and i had gone to bed and i woke up in the middle of the night to me being assaulted. i couldn’t see who it was because it was really dark and he kept pushing my face into the pillow trying to suffocate me and i eventually passed out. i don’t know if it was him and i wish it wasn’t but in the morning he was gone. i’m scared and i don’t want to believe that my “bestfriend” was the one who raped me and hurt me. i want to believe it wasn’t him but he was the only one there im scared and sad and broken. i’ve never liked him and he took away my virginity and my dignity im scared and i’ve been refusing to talk to him even though i so badly want it not to be true. i hope that it wasn’t him or i’ll feel completely lost and even more broken i’ve grown up with him since we were 4 and i’m too scared to even go to school now. i really need help i don’t know what to do.

my father tried to molest me when I was a teenager and I didn’t press charges on him at the time. Am I able to press charges now at this day in time or no? He’s a predator, he has grandchildren now, me and all of my siblings have kids and I see him staring at his grandchildren’s private parts when my mom has them naked for a bath or a diaper change and I regret not pressing charges in the past. I went to my mom after he tried to molest me and trusted her to handle the situation but she didn’t she stayed with him and swept it under the rug. They’re still together and now he’s around all of his grandchildren and he can’t be trusted. I pay attention to his actions and body language and he’s a pervert and a predator still to this day.

I don't want to wake up. And yet every morning it's the same nightmare.

Again I have no clue what to do or who to speak to about this I have the traits but I never remember getting touched.

When I was around Pre-K I would find myself humping my human sized stuffed animals until I came. I never knew any of this was wrong, I knew I wasn’t supposed to do it but it tickled me so good it felt nice. I would make believe that someone would try to hide me behind bars and force me to do things with them. I had no access to the internet at this age and I was about 5/6 I believe. I can only tell I was very young because I remember still buying princess and the frog undergarments from children’s place. It was me role playing with my stuffed animals and pretended that they wanted to do bad stuff to me which made me want to do it more. I was always hyper sexual since I could remember. Not sure how I managed to have this happen to me, but I’ve always wanted to feel like I had no control over myself during sex, is that a bad trait?

So my (trans woman, 30) bottom surgery is coming up in about 30 days. I am mostly excited, but I am also nervous. I've survived a number of sexual assaults in my lifetime, and the idea of so much attention being paid to that area of my body, and being vulnerable in a hospital bed for a few days and then recovering for weeks afterwards is really scary to me. I'm not sure how my trauma and triggers might be impacted, or carried forward I guess? I had a pretty recent assault just a few weeks ago. I'm just trying to think through how to cope with it while focusing on the very good thing that is happening, but I'm not sure where to begin.

Well, you're here again. 

Shit. 

Fuck. 

God damnit. 

It keeps happening. And there seems to be absolutely nothing you are able to do about it. You can't stop it when it happens, you can't prevent it from happening. It is, simply put, a reality of your life. Men hurt you. 

I'm not sure it makes sense to ask why anymore. It's not how you dress. It's not just that you are trans, or that you are a woman, or that you are effeminate, or that you are alone. We're up to a bakers dozen now, and each of those things may have been part of some of them, but no one factor was a part of all of them. Maybe it is just something innate. They can smell it on you that you'll just let it happen. I wish I knew. If I did, maybe I could do something about it. But I don't and I can't. 

So, it happened again. And you're here… again. 

What now? 

Begin again I suppose. 

Begin again what? 

All of it. Everything. 

It's too much. 

It's what there is. 

You'll have to start with the basics. Your body. Hands, feet, head, chest, legs. All still there? 

Bruises. Yeah, lots of bruises. Are any of them bad enough to risk the hospital? 

No. okay, next up, where are we? Are we safe here? I mean, obviously not, but is the current threat gone? Good. Okay. Let's get home. 

Breath. 

It's late. Your husband and kid are in bed. Try not to wake them. Don't show- really? Yes really, it's not like we'll report anyway, I just want to feel clean. You never feel clean. But I can try. 

Climb into bed gently. Tell your husband your cold. That's why you're wearing those pajamas. They cover you up. You need that extra blanket. Try not to flinch too much when he holds you. 

You have work in the morning. Calling out never helps. Figure it out. Breath. Go. Get up. You can't hide in the house, people will worry. 

Your husband knows something is going on. He doesn't ask. 

Try to act normal. Don't miss your meetings. Don't talk funny. Come up with an excuse for when you jump. Thank God your office doesn't have any men in it. Don't make them think you're crazy.

Breath. 

Call your therapist. Yeah, you need to see him again. Yeah, it happened again. I don't know. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. He can fit you in tomorrow. No, I haven't told anyone else yet. 

Get home. Take a different route this time. You don't need to stop there ever again. Make dinner. Make small talk with the family. Your husband is giving you that look that means he wants something. What does he want? 

Don't flinch, don't yelp. Oh honey, I'm just ticklish. 

Oh honey, not tonight. Maybe not ever. 

Those bruises are going to take weeks. You'll need an excuse. 

Breath. 

Breath. 

You'll figure out how to do it. You've done it before. He is safe. He is safe. He is safe. He is safe. 

(I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry)

Breath. 

A few days. You can eat. You can shower. Work out, let that explain the extra water usage. No one needs to know you're just sitting in the parking lot at the gym, calling the crisis line, hoping someone can offer an answer. 

They never do. 

He walks in on you and sees the bruises. 

Honey what the fuck are those? 

Oh, they're, they're fuck fuck fuck why didn't you make an excuse up in advance, we know this

We can't tell the kid. We can't. Please, don't. Why are you calling my mom. 

Mom. Like she ever believes.

No, it's too late to go to the hospital. Yeah, I'm fine. 

Seriously honey, it's hardly the first time. No, it was more than just that once. You usually don't notice. (I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry)

Get up, go to church, go to your meetings, talk to your therapist, buy groceries, make dinner. 

Breath. 

Breath. 

Normal will come again. 

This is normal. 

This is not normal. 

For me it is. You can't argue with that, can you? Evidence. Evidence. 

I don't know what I did to God to deserve this. 

Wake up. 

Breath. 

Try. 

Breath. 

Pretend like it's not happening. 

Cry. 

Breath. 

Begin, again, to figure out how to live with it. 

Maybe this time you'll find an answer that works. 

At least, until next time. 

It was my 21st birthday and I stopped over at a frat around 2am (they open for after hours). I haven't blacked or browned out since freshman year but I was completely trashed for my bday.

I walked in and saw a guy I used to have a class with. I have no idea about what we initially talked about but I remember seeing him and talking to him. I remember walking up to his room and I remember sitting on his couch.

The next thing I remember is being fully naked in his bed, freaking out because I was somehow performing oral sex and he had the flash on. I also remember him saying that he wanted to hit it from behind because my "a** was fat" and I got very upset (this is an insecurity).

I have no clue how I got my clothes off (my pants are super tight and I get insecure about being fully naked) so I really don't know how I don't remember this.

The next thing I remember is roaming around in a towel because I needed to use a restroom and couldn't find one. I was pretty lost and scared so I remember freaking out and a guy who found me helped direct me.

I also remember the guy I was hooking up with finding me and being very pissed that I was roaming around.

I woke up on his bed naked at 5am and ubered home because I needed to submit a paper at 7am.

I later found 3 large bruises: one in a straight line across my upper thigh and 2 on both of my calves. I sent him a snapchat and he responded "lmao you fell we didn't f***"

WTF do I do? I would've remembered having sex but there's also so much I don't recall. Also the possible video?! I will look crazy if I keep messaging him and I don't want him to go around spreading stuff. He will probably deny it and I'm far too embarrassed to talk to him.

Thanks

I have really been struggling with it coming back, I don’t do mediation or things like that very well, and I wish all the feelings about what has happened were easier to escape or make go away. I feel like I’m struggling for ways to cope but I don’t have any really good ways to cope. That’s all making it really hard to be in a head space where I don’t feel like I’m spiraling out

Here you can list songs about SA. I’ll start!

Edit: All languages are ok! (Mention songs language please, if not english.)

Briefly mentioned my mom and now I’m a trembling mess My mom, she wasn’t a good person but she was also the product of abuse herself Her dad, I refuse to call him my grandpa, raped me when i was 6 and tried to watch me in the shower when i was 12. i don’t know what all abuse mom went through she never said more than an acknowledgement

I have no contact with that side of the family and I’m not letting mom back into my life just to open her old wounds

The process of losing your skin is long and excruciating. You're left wondering when it'll be over, when they'll kill you, and if they don't, you'll be wishing they did.

Existence when you're skinless is pure agony unless you distract yourself. Your bare body crying out with the contact to the air.

Sleep is fruitless when you're left alone with the flashbacks and nightmares of the time you lost your skin, reliving the fear and agony all over again, and again. Your skinless body still crying out in pain as you try to actually get a full night's sleep.

Any problem, minor, or major, in your life stings so much more, then before, like dust touching your bare body.

When you try to be vulnerable and love again, you often hold your breath, waiting for them to hurt your defenseless body and soul, because that's what you've learned about love from the person who took your skin.

Maybe, one day your skin will grow back, or, you'll just learn to cope with your exposed body, or, just, maybe, you won't survive without the skin on your body. Leaving the world behind and just becoming another statistic, the only way to find out is to try.

i have posted before, few days ago i think, i realise now i seek the validation of older men to feel like i serve a purpose. i get called whore and slut by him everyday it's programmed into my brain. liking older guys whatever and all that for validation, makes me feel idk.