Wtf do i do

I’m 25 female, I’m engaged and a momma. I was raped at young age at 14 from an older guy and my family made me keep the baby because of religious reasons from my family. Then when I was 22 I was rape again by a coworker. This is little bit of my past trauma.

I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years and I feel so fucked up mentally.

My question is, ever since my 2nd rape I deal with it by masturbating. I noticed it helps, I don’t have anxiety or impending doom feeeling or anxiety attack, it calms me down. I’m not sure why I’m like this.. sometimes I do this 3-4 times a day and even rough sexual images can bring this on and doesn’t help I have dissociation identity disorder and split and not even remember doing it sometimes just because it’s my brain way coping mechanisms. I feel like it’s taking over my life how much I do this. I can’t afford therapy either currently. I guess my question is, is this normal?

i dont know what to do and i have no one to talk about it with.

I don’t know if he recorded me while I was stuck in my cptsd tunnel of flashbacks of the traumas i’ve experienced from ex, that came out as verbal processing uncontrollably due to not knowing how bad my adhd was getting.

My ex raped me in my sleep. And he told me after that he asked me if I was awake, and he got no response so he proceeded to piv while I was asleep. He also said after I woke up to it. That it was an accident and he thought I was awake.

So now this coworker who had some of that info. Recorded me having so many flashbacks where due to the gaslighting ive also experienced from my ex, I began questioning myself severely.

This coworker is trying to ruin my reputation and trying to make me out to be a liar to anyone behind my back.

Even though I have evidence of proof that my ex admitted to raping and abusing me. And how he plays victim as the initial abuser.

Will the coworker be able to go to my higher ups with this? my ex also works at the same place as both of us.

Can the coworker try to take me to court over this? or get me fired. or worse with blacklisting?

Does this happen to anyone else no rhyme or reason. Just bang❗️

i am a victim of csa and for years and years i used dissociation to cope. i moved onto self harm around 11. i’m now 21 and i think my past is slowly destroying my life. i enjoy nothing anymore. i am hypersexual and too aware of it. i have disgusting fantasies and i spend my free time either sleeping or thinking about those.

i was once a girl with dreams. but those dreams are just dreams at the end of the day

I can't shake it

TW: descriptions of SA When I was 16F (now almost 21F) I started dating a college freshman, 18M. He was overall a pretty shitty boyfriend. On Super Bowl Sunday of 2021, I was blacked out drunk, had vomited all over myself, could barely hold my head up. He proceeded to have sex with me, I have vague memories of the encounter itself, because I was fading in and out of consciousness. I didn’t realize it was rape for a while, I thought it was normal because he was my boyfriend and I thought he loved me but the older I get the more I realize how fucked up it was. It plagues my thoughts everyday. I feel dirty with his sin. I mourn my innocence. It ruins my ability to be intimate with people in my adult relationships and just overall makes me feel horrible. I feel like I can’t even talk about it either because it makes people uncomfortable or it’s taboo but it feels like carrying bricks around constantly. I’m in therapy but I feel like the ptsd will never go away.

I was penetratively raped in september and I have working through and dealing with the aftershock of that ever since. All I can think about everyday is if another man is going to take me. I feel constant burning stares when I’m out in public and I never feel safe anymore.

I started reflecting on a horrible sexual encounter I had with a man off tinder back in April, I wonder if this is considered a rape. Firstly, he got me incredibly high prior to engaging in anything, he brought me into his bedroom and I remember feeling so high I could barely walk. I wanted to leave already but I was relying on him to pay for my uber (a stupid decision looking back on it) and I was scared to piss him off.

He laid me on the bed and took off my clothes, I felt sharp pain as he was kissing down my neck and it wasn’t until the next morning that I realized he had been biting me and left teeth marks on my neck and shoulder.

He started getting incredibly aggressive, he pulled my hair, yanking me around the bed calling me degrading names like ‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘filthy bitch’ and referring to himself as ‘daddy’. Obviously I know that degradation is a kink, but it wasn’t something I wanted or was ready for.

He was so forceful that he ended up ripping out my earrings and breaking off multiple of my acrylic nails. He kept hitting me, not just spanking but across the face and around my body too. I was honestly too shocked and scared to say anything.

He ordered me to perform oral and continuously held my head down until I nearly passed out, would let me get a moment of air and then forced me back down so I got incredibly dizzy. At this point I remember crying.

He pushed me on my stomach and pinned my arms and legs down with his own body on top of me. I remember panicking, yelling that I needed a condom, I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. I was honestly shocked he didn’t do anything to me in that moment. He was pissed and pulled me off the bed, forcing me to kneel in the corner of the room. I felt so confused and degraded, he jerked off over me until he came on my face.

I sat in the corner for a little bit, waiting for him to do something. I was crying, shaking, scared and covered in cum. I sat on the floor and asked him to clean me. He grabbed my arm and led me to the bathroom, telling me to wipe myself off. This was the most degrading part, I tried to hold myself together while wiping cum out of my eyes with toilet paper.

I’ve had other experiences I’m now questioning my role of consent in, I didn’t expect to have sex in these situations and didn’t get pleasure from them.

I want to feel emotional connection and I want to enjoy sex but I’m so scared that I’ll never find a partner with good intentions. I’m so scared.

I’ve written here before, about an assault I faced, I found it cathartic and I’ve needed to vent so I’m hoping someone can listen to me and give me some words of comfort or encouragement.

I haven’t slept well since September, every time I lay down I can feel his face lingering over me and phantom hands pinning my neck down.

It was supposed to be a fun night out with one of my closest friends. I’ll call her V(19). We did everything together and until this incident, we were inseparable.

V got a boyfriend, I’ll call him B (22), and she was instantly fully involved in him.

V invited me for a night out in a different city where I could meet B and his roommate, I’ll call A(24). Under normal circumstances I would never agree to drink around two men I’ve never met but V trusted them, she wasn’t drinking and told me I’d have nothing to worry about.

As we started out the night, I felt uncomfortable around A, he was irresponsible, impulsive and arrogant. I immediately put my guard up. I wait for a moment alone with her and told her, that I didn’t trust him, I got bad energy.

She was surprisingly dismissive, in a way I never had seen her before, she shrugged, saying “he’s fine, he’s just like that”.

It turns my stomach to think that he was planning on doing what he did from the beginning of the night. As soon as I finished my drink, he offered to buy me a new one, when I declined, he bought it anyway.

So I drank way more than I anticipated at dinner, deciding not to waste the drink. At the club, he continued to buy me alcohol without asking, after a couple shots I started rejecting it.

I also want to make it clear, I came out to be with V. I was honestly not interested in A being there at all, I didn’t enjoy his company. V kept trying to get me to dance with A, something I decidedly didn’t want to do.

The music was bad and the crowd was dry so A suggested that we smoke a joint and head home.

At this point, I was incredibly loopy from the drinks but I was still having a good time. The joint they got was preroll bought on a reserve, which is way more potent than majority of cannabis stores.

B was driving and V was staying sober so I felt awkward smoking a majority of the joint by myself. A and B pushed me to finish it.

In the car, I barely felt real, I was past being able to verbalize. There was a Stanley bottle filled with white rum in the car.

From this point on, I can only remember bits and pieces. A started getting really touchy with me, he’d lift straw up to my lips and instruct me to drink. On autopilot, I did. I felt him touching me the whole ride home but I don’t remember what he did. I remembered I didn’t like it but I also wasn’t sober enough to stop him.

When I woke up, he had pulled me to be laying my face in his lap. I remember trying to push myself up but he kept his palm over my head and held my face down.

When we reached their apartment, it didn’t occur to me that I could uber home. The white rum in the bottle had gotten me so much drunker than when I had gotten into the car, I felt so helpless, stumbling and falling. I remember being annoyed that I was in a situation where I needed to lean on A, that he seemed cocky and excited about how drunk I was.

I was still standoffish to A, even as he was incredibly touchy with me. I kept trying to get him to stop. He was very bold, I remember laying on the couch while B was sitting on the floor, A started feeling me up while talking to B about something.

He kept trying to get me in his bed, even as drunk as I was, I knew I didn’t want to do that. Eventually, he went to bed and me and V were the only ones up.

This was the last face-to-face conversation I ever had with her. I told her A had been trying to get me in his bed. She asked me if I liked A. I told her, Absolutely not, I barely even liked him as a person. During this convo, she revealed that she was planning on moving in with these two.

The couch was smaller than my body was, I remember not being able to fully lay out. V tucked me in and went to sleep with B. Almost immediately after she left, A, came back out.

He was much more aggressive than he had been prior, physically getting me off the couch and moving me to his bed. I was wasted and half asleep but it felt as if I had no choice, I had to sleep in his bed.

I was disgusted, as soon as I laid down, he began to grope me, he continually pushed me neck down so I couldn’t move and kiss me. He was stimulating me with no consent. I remember telling him to stop, that I was too drunk.

I kept falling asleep and waking up to him groping and touching me. I remember hating it, I wished it could end. I felt limp and he kept repositioning me like a doll.

Around 6 am, I woke up to him preforming oral sex on me. I was confused, half asleep, and just endured it. As I looked up, I saw his pants were off and he was already in position to penetrate me.

I felt like I couldn’t escape, I feel so stupid. He raped me, I was so overwhelmed and numb I fell back asleep. I remember hoping V would come find me.

When I woke up again, it was past 1pm. I was so hungover I wasn’t sure what was a dream and what was real. I got a text from V, she and B had left early in the morning. Leaving me alone for hours with A.

He drove me home, silently. I was too shocked to even realize fully what had happened.

The backlash over the next few days was brutal. He left damage to my body for the oral, his teeth has sunk into and grazed across the skin. Everything felt swollen and sore. When I told her, V decidedly took his side, sending paragraphs of victim-blaming rhetoric.

Including; “I believe what you're feeling, but I know (A) and he is not the type to do something like this, I'm going to be living with him and I wouldn't ever live with a rapist or someone who would do those things.”

“You willingly followed a drunk man into his bedroom, how can you expect nothing to happen? Even if you say you didn't want that to happen, it happened because that situation was brought upon yourself.”

I lost a friend.

The thing I hate the most about being raped is that life continues. I’m supposed to be happy, celebrate my goals and milestones, go out with friends. But I can’t, I’m sad. I hate how my body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. I hate how I’m afraid I’ll wake up and have my body being used. I hate how I let it happen.

I’ve been advised not to pursue legal action, that my reputation would be dragged through the mud and he would most likely win. I understand that, but I hate that he faced no consequences.

In August of 2023 a stranger broke into my apartment and raped me while I was sleeping. I had to fight him off of my body and fight for my life. It was easily the most traumatic experience of my life.

I was taken to the hospital, did the exam and went to the station to identify him in a lineup, which I couldn’t. The police told me they identified male DNA on my clothes and blankets, and DNA from my exam. Last week the lab finally finished their report.

The lab found nothing. No DNA that matched in their system and DNA didn’t match their suspects. I asked what the next step is and if I could help and he told me there is none, we just have to wait for some DNA to come up that matches.

To me that sounds like we have to wait for him to attack another 20 year old girl and hopefully he gets caught. It’s been 17 months and he’s been on the loose and nobody knows. I didn’t realize how devastating this would be. I feel like my whole world has stopped and I don’t know what to do. Am I crazy for thinking there’s more that can be done? I mean if there was a murderer on the loose they wouldn’t just stop and wait for them to kill again.

I don’t know. I had to leave work early because I couldn’t control myself. I was crying without even trying. I wish it was general knowledge just how hard it is to recover from something like this. I would never wish this type of violence on anybody.

Its been a year and a half since the abuses and accidental rape where he raped me while I was asleep. that my ex seemed so upset about doing

He accused me of manipulating him with my crying even though it seemed he was after he accidentally raped me. He called himself a monster, cried, said he was a shit boyfriend. I felt bad and comforted him.

And thats how i stayed in the relationship with him. I started to feel bad and believed him saying he thought i was awake. and it was an accident. And he should of got consent. he asked if i was awake and got no answer, and processed to piv rape while i was asleep. And only called it an accident when i woke up to it.

After that he demanded I get over it, it was an accident he’d say and something must be wrong with me for not being able to stop bringing it up.

Then he started abusing me in the relationship. Where he’d withhold affection and intimacy. He became more rageful with me.

He knew of my past abuses and rape so he knew exactly what to say and do to trigger me and get me to react so he could say im the problem.

It led to more breakdowns from me. And fear he would do something again to me in my sleep if I slept next to him.

this led to him trying to record a few of them.

He has called me crazy.

He has physically abused me, putting his hands on me and bruising me.

He has gaslit me several times of the abuses, and denying he said or did something right after it happened. Which further put me in that vulnerable position. Where i started doubting myself so badly for it. It was the cycle of abuse tho, and couldn’t stop thinking about his good guy side. That maybe he did just accidentally rape me. or maybe he didn’t mean to scream at me and verbally abuse me. Or maybe he didn’t have control of his anger

I was left to have these thoughts repeatedly to the point I was reactive. He then said i was unstable, and i believed him i got worse. And found out i have adhd so that amplified things more that maybe it was me because i didnt know i had that.

He then started saying I was abusive to. Its now mutual abuse. but that led to me acting out thinking it was true. So when he’d grab me. weeks later i was still in protective mode waiting for him to do it again causing me to have delayed reactions towards him when he is being hot and cold too.

He knew i have a fear of abandonment so he used that a lot to trigger me and reverse things after he’d say or do something abusive and I confront him about he’d use the threat, so id lose focus on what i confronted him about. And i started to drop what i went to him about and began begging him, then id apologize and take the blame for everything just to appease things so he wouldn’t breakup with me.

This has led to an issue where he used that to get away with his abuses and then add its mutual now. because id confront him of suspicious behaviors when I caught him lying or hiding his porn addiction.

All this and now I dont know if he’d plead this in court if I report the rape and abuses. That he’d reverse it all.

he screamed and verbally abused me in the car while he was driving. I was afraid of him and called the cops

but we work together.

So after i dropped the charges once it got to work getting order of protection too. And it got out at work. He has self control at work and doesn’t show any of those behaviors. But i unfortunately had crying breakdowns at work.

So now it looks like im the aggressor and or lying about the rape or abuse if he has a recording of me minimizing it from all of the cognitive dissonance where i was confused about the good times with the abuse.

if its recorded. it was of me having a spiral of uncertainty from being gaslit.

this mostly what i can remember i said

“im not sure why i dropped the protection order, why did i call the cops? when maybe i could of let him calm down. That maybe he is a good guy, and im not a great girlfriend.

no one else sees the side of him i saw.

and i felt guilt for calling the cops. What if the rape was a mistake? but i know how my body felt after. i dont know what to believe from seeing his good side and also all the abuses he did I didn’t want this to happen. “ A coworker who told me i was his friend was the one who encouraged my venting and knew about things before my spiral. He instead took it wrong and using it against me too. Work knows i dropped the order of protection

Will this hurt me in court if I go forward with anything if i have proof of what my ex did and said with admitting to the rape and abuses?

Will that possible recording of my spiral get to my job and harmed?

Will it hurt anything in court if I go forward with pressing charges on my ex for rape and abuse?

Not gay or bi but when I was 13 I was drugged And raped, now 53 Supressed it for almost 40 years! My therapist is a lady and non-bias and is helping me heal

This is more of a vent/rant. I'm aware it's a common and normal outcome, but how the hell do I function without thinking about my trauma and fantasazing about it 24/7. First think I wake up to is just thinking and daydreaming about it. I'm so angry and mad at it and the prick that did that to me, but recently I just can't stop thinking about it. Like, why the hell is this happening.

I feel so stupid

after my last assault I became a wreck again. mentally I wasn't well and I abused alcohol a lot. I became annoying with my drinking and with my closest friends I'd trauma dump so much and I know it became overwhelming. no one ever communicated how I made them feel but I can assume since they've became distant and eventually just stopped talking to me. I could only wish for an intervention but there's no point. I've exhausted them already. I wish I kept it to myself and I wish I never drowned myself in alcohol. everyone else was drinking so much too, it felt normal, but everyone else was doing cocaine so I was the only one who got sloppy. I hate looking back to my behaviors. I also became very hypersexual, so most of my conversations were all about people I was seeing. so in face value I'm just a drunk whore with problems.

the guy who raped me requests me on instagram every so often and i just don’t get it. i’m tempted to block him but we have mutual friends and i don’t want to seem weird if he notices. i haven’t seen him since, and he hasn’t been messaging me or anything like that either so idk what’s going on.

TW: description of sexual assault

i was sexually abused before at the age of 6 and it lasted until i was 9. i told myself that i would never let anything like that happened to me again and it was so soul crushing when it happened again to me when i was 19. i felt so angry that it happened to me again and i wanted to just scream.

my first bf was when i was in college. he took my virginity but i didn't realize that he stealthed me (said he was going to use a condom and didnt) and then finished inside me without asking me. that was my first time having sex, i didn't know how to react. i was so scared i was pregnant while he got to walk away happily with no consequences. he then penetrated me in a way i didnt consent to when i met him in his apartment. he lovebombed me so i thought he genuinely was interested in me. i screamed at him when he did it and then he just hugged me say "please don't hate me" and put on a sad face. the entire train ride home i was shaking and i wanted to cry so bad. when i got back to my dorm, i asked all my friends to leave because they were waiting there for me. i just cried and cried until i felt dizzy. he did the one thing i told him i wasn't comfortable with and he went ahead and did it. because i was so emotionally attached to him, i gave him another chance. and then he kept coercing me into doing sexual acts i didn't want to do and i would just give in because i felt too mentally exhausted. he also would try to get me drunk and high so i would consent to things he wanted. i reported him to the police but they told me it didn't count as sexual assault because he stopped when i told him to stop but he literally entered my body without my permission. the police just said that it was my fault for drinking and smoking with him also. his college never held him accountable.

i tried to kill myself twice because of what he did to me. i felt like there was no point in living in this world anymore. i was just a piece of meat to people. lately i’ve been struggling with horrible flashbacks. i remember what happened to me as a child and what happened to me at 19. i just want to throw up. i hate that this happened to me and i wonder why me

I know it scars and it’s hard to move on but I’m so frustrated and it feels like it will never fade.

Sometimes I just wake up feeling raped, I wake up and I start crying because the memories make me feel so gross.

When I’m asked if I have a boyfriend or if there’s someone I have my eye on, I feel awkward. I feel embarrassed that I can’t handle those questions.

I wish I could say ‘yes I have a loving boyfriend who I trust with my whole heart’ but I can’t.

I say ‘It’s been difficult’ or ‘I haven’t had great experiences’.

Sometimes I go the whole day feeling shamed and used I don’t feel worthy of my goals, I don’t feel motivated to keep trying.

Or I look in the mirror and I see something defenceless and weak. I look and I think ‘who were you kidding? It was inevitable.’

I wish I could stop feeling raped.

Edit for clarity; I was raped by a friend’s roommate in september, here is the story for more context https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/q1KxM2XZ6r

But I have no evidence and he is extremely manipulative

He would convince the police that I am lying

He's already getting away with it. He just knows that I know

Its been hard to understand this, and has taken a significant toll on my mental health.

An ex a year and a half ago, raped me in my sleep piv. He said he did l ask if I was awake. And he got no answer.

Then he went forward with it. I woke up to him in me.

He later told me it was an accident. And he thought I was awake.

But if that were so then why did he continue?

I am unsure if to press charges and how that would continue in court?

He seems to know he should of got consent. Yet It doesn’t feel like an accident to me. He has also been playing victim a lot.

I am unsure if it would be something to go to court on. And whether accidental rape is something courts go forward with

I was abused from my first rapist 15 to 17 years old, and this abuser made pictures and videos of me. I'm going insane, I'm searching in every place on internet to find his account and make sure he didn't do anything. What can I do?

If he told me I could say no at any time, stop in the middle at any point, that he didn't want to hurt me, and to not let him hurt me because that'd be the worst way I could hurt him.

But he made frequent sexual comments that made me feel I had to give him something, since I wasn't yet willing to give him what he really wanted. He said we could always stop in the middle and yes he might feel frustrated, but he's allowed to have feelings. I just decided this meant I'd never stop in the middle because I didn't want to feel his frustration, and didn't say that it made me feel this way. He didn't like thinking about that I'd been raped a few years previous, that the guy who raped me 'got to me first,' so I decided to not mention that sex was triggering. That would be saying that he was there, too, whenever we had sex. So I didn't say anything. I was silent and I lied. And now I feel icky and in part violated, there were so many things I wouldn't have done without the pressure, and I didn't completely know it. I did say, once, that I probably would never without some pressure, but I guess that was okay. I feel like I was both pressured and gave willing consent. I tried to want it and didn't realize that I didn't truly want it; I didn't want it but was willing. And in part I feel like I raped myself by explicitly lying to get sex I didn't want, I wouldn't stop in the middle or say it was triggering so I tried to hold back tears and keep my body moving and make at least some eye contact and reciprocate some because all of these things are signs of consent and I was consenting.

I [21F] invited a FWB [24M] over for casual sex a couple nights ago. We didn’t do penetration while we were awake because it hurt too much for me (I have pain at the entrance of my vagina), so we did just oral. We went to bed at around 2 AM. I woke up at around 7:30 to him touching my boobs/vaginal area and kissing my back, and I was moaning loudly from what I can recall. The moaning sounded like I was in pain. I don’t clearly remember if there was any penetration (my memory’s fuzzy like my brain is purposefully blocking things out). I do remember that he was moaning also and maybe telling me to be quiet. It was at least assault because I didn’t consent to anything due to my being asleep, right? Yesterday, my vagina felt like it was burning a little bit and I had UTI-like symptoms. My ears were ringing. I didn’t realize what had happened until almost dinner when a wave of feeling uncomfortable, odd, and dirty hit me. I spent the day feeling a little numb and disoriented until that happened. Sometimes the uncomfortable feeling numbs me so badly that I can’t move. I just feel weird and sad that I may never know what truly happened. My memory’s starting to slowly come back and I get the feeling something terrible happened.

I swear I'm cursed with remembering this forever. I even know the day it started and the day it ended. I know how many times it happened. It doesn't help that I kept a diary when I was younger. I haven't gotten a good night sleep in years. It does not matter the coping mechanisms, the medication I take, I still dream of it when I sleep. My hands are tied behind back my back and I do what he says. I'm bent over something, while he does his thing. I'm in his parents house and tied to the bed. I know its not happening but i'm still scared. I wake up in a cold sweat, barely able to breathe. I hope one day I can eventually move on and not think about it for 24 hours. Thats one dream that I wish I could have.

Sexually abusive ex

I was already a rape victim before I met him

I couldn't understand why he'd do something like that to me. I thought he loved me.

I feel like all I'm worth is sex

ignore my writing skills i just need to vent 💔

I had an older female cousin who would molest me for years and i was fine with it because she would give me some weed afterwards as a “reward”.

now that im getting older i realise how odd it is but since she was a girl i never thought it was actually rape or molestion. if i’m being quite honest i probably liked it, but i don’t know if it was pleasure or confusion.

it always felt weird to me when she’d make me eat her out, but when she’d do it to me, i’d like it. but it disgusts to me to think that i was into it. it makes me feel sick sometimes.

this went on for a year but it just made me hypersexual and made me do even worse things for money/drugs.

i have recently gotten into school therapy, and had a meeting with my therapist and a counselor about the basics. They assessed me, and asked me questions. They told me if I have ever suffered from any kind of sexual abuse, and I told them yes. I regret it so bad now, because the police had called my dad the other day. Telling him about the situation. Now I have to talk to the cops, but im so scared, because the guy who raped me is very popular at our school, and a bunch of people are friends with him. Im scared that this will become something along the lines of court, and or contacting him too. Since he took a video of me while he raped me, and showed people, it might be taken into legal measure. Im so scared, and I dont know what to do.

I (27f) told my mom that he molested me when I was a kid. She told me he doesn’t remember doing that. Why am I not enough? Why won’t she believe me?