I'm getting a divorce after realizing my wife has a victim complex and has been carrying out an emotional affair for three months.

Her friend texted me today and made a jab about how I said I made a commitment to work things out. And I did. I cried in couples counseling saying I'd do anything to fix our relationship a month ago, but she was already checked out. She said she wanted a divorce this week and I agreed.

Still, that one sentence cut so deep and it made me go into a shame spiral all day that I'm just now pulling out of.

I almost went back out of guilt when I realized that I no longer can distinguish between guilt and love. I really have to feel my emotions. If I push aside the guilt, I feel... Nothing. What was once a brimming, deep pool of emotions is now evaporated. I had no idea how badly I've been programmed. Reading these posts really helped me realize she will always be the victim.

I'm sorry for all the other empathetic people who have been taken advantage of.

I'm so grateful we didn't have children.

Im waiting for therapy. I don't feel like myself. I found out he was lying and had dating apps and then he blamed me for having to have to find other women....

He blamed me and told me he doesn't want me until I heal and so on...

I don't want him anymore but all these words have broken me...

This man was supposed to be my husband who promised to love me and be kind to me...

I blocked him and everything but I feel sick in my stomach and have anxiety in my chest...

I don't know how to survive this.. feel dehumanised I am tired 😫 😩

It’s been a while since I posted here. In 2022, I found my mom’s texts with another man and confronted her, giving her the ultimatum to tell my dad or I will. Since then, my parents have reconciled and are still together, but I am still angry and don’t find myself wanting to forgive her like my dad and sister have. Perhaps there’s a point to be made that maybe I’m just holding on to resentment and I should let it go, but it still feels so shitty to know that my mom, who I used to look up to and love with everything I had, betrayed me and my family and destroyed all my beliefs about family, marriage, and motherhood.

My sister wants me to be at Mother’s Day lunch tomorrow so I came home begrudgingly to keep the peace. But on the inside, I can’t stand celebrating someone who has hurt me so much. What kind of mother does this to her family? Paying for the flowers we delivered to her feels like all I can stomach. It’s all just so fucking hard and I feel so alone.

Throwaway acct. We’ve been together for 4 years; married 1, dated once forever ago after HS, broke up, and never got over each other, but weren’t in contact. I (f/46), always thought of him (m/46) as “the one who got away.” When we found out we were both single and he reached out on FB, I was beside myself with happiness and possibility.

I had the normal anxieties, like, what if I was only remembering the good things? What if I had him up on a pedestal? And we both had kids. I wanted us to take things slowly. But we were both smitten. The more we talked, the shorter the timeline of us “getting serious” became. We saw each other once or twice a month for a while (long distance) and checked with our therapists after 6 months, on behalf of our children, and they saw no problem with us moving in together.

Early in our new long-distance relationship, he accidentally revealed he had a tinder account. He had sent me a screenshot of something and Tinder was in the upper left for him to go back to. We had been really open with each other about sex, porn, relationships, etc., and I believed him when he said he was there to close the account but got distracted looking at the positive feedback. He wasn’t still talking to anyone on it; he wasn’t actively using it, etc. Those turned out to all be lies.

2 months after I had moved in, I discovered he was texting back and forth with a woman he met on Tinder. They were “just friends” but it was flirty. That’s fine outside of a relationship, but not in a relationship with me. He joked with her about whether she was sure she didn’t need a “quarantine buddy”. I was hurt and furious. I texted my bff immediately; I was afraid that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have the courage to leave. He stopped contacting the woman (with no explanation, which I thought was shitty). Like an idiot, I stayed.

8 or 9 months into the relationship, or about 4 months after I moved in, I found text messages between him and another woman, whom he had actively hooked up with in the beginning of our serious long-distance relationship, and whom he was still trying to hook up with after we’d met in person, he’d declared all his love for me, and had even proposed to me. I didn’t take that proposal seriously; it had been only a few months. And where had he met that woman? Tinder.

I don’t at all believe that he’s been doing anything since I’ve been here other than flirting with the woman he no longer talks to. But do I really know he’s not talking to anyone? We can’t ever really know. And that is incredibly heartbreaking. Like an idiot, I stayed. But I wanted to die. Years later, I married him.

He is still the love of my life. I cannot describe how much this hurts. He is kind in every other way. At least I thought so until today.

Before I found out about these things he’d done, we shared very open views on sex, sexual appetite, and pornography. But never did either of us try to say it was okay to cheat, even if we could empathize with why someone might. We agreed cheating was a loser for everyone involved, no matter how or why it started.

Since finding out he cheated, it absolutely guts me when I find out he’s using porn. It’s always by accident. The last time, I was about to leave the house, forgot something, and walked back in find him casting porn from his phone to the TV (he was home alone). He’s left some on his phone browser when he was in the shower and I came into to the bathroom to pee. Today, it was an accidental screenshot of a video on either pornhub or YouTube from when he’d closed his phone. I had been sending him photos I took of the aurora and we were viewing them on the tv.

In the past, he was super apologetic. He reassured me it wasn’t about me; in fact I’d just kissed him goodbye or something and he’d gotten excited. Fine. But if it brings your wife to tears… why not just stop doing it? We have a very healthy sex life. You don’t have the same trust and freedom you had before once your partner finds out you’ve cheated. You just don’t. To me, not having sex for a few days (and that’s rare for us) is not a good reason to make your wife feel sad and inadequate. I never had a problem with it before I found out he’d cheated on me. Today, instead of apologizing, he said he didn’t do anything wrong and I should “get over myself”. He said I was insecure and that wasn’t his fault. We’re all insecure. I was never insecure about that until he cheated.

Why doesn’t it matter anymore how this makes me feel? My heart is broken. It’s true; I’ve threatened to leave, and I haven’t. It’s not because I’m manipulative; it’s because I love him more than anyone else in the entire world. I don’t want to leave. But I need to feel like my husband cherishes me as much as he said he did. Like it matters how this makes me feel. Porn was okay until he hooked up with someone else. I didn’t create this insecurity; he did. Am I wrong for wanting him to stop using porn?

For clarification: this accidental screenshot of a porn video was from 6:15 am. He would have just gotten home from the night shift and into the shower. I was waiting for him in bed. Why couldn’t he wait and just be with me? Also—why hadn’t we had sex in a few days? Because he was telling me obvious things about how to mow the lawn, which I’ve done a million times in this lifetime. He can’t understand why that annoyed me, and when I tried to confront him later about it, he had a COMPLETE meltdown, which was a much bigger issue than my initial annoyance so I have still not been heard. He doesn’t listen to me because his intentions were good, so I shouldn’t have a problem with him “being nice”. It feels weaponized—but I digress.

I can’t describe the pain I’m feeling right now that he told me to “get over myself”. That all of this is just me; my baggage. It’s not. Thank you for reading.

A little info on my current state of mind:

I got through the process. The immense pain, the low self esteem, the burning anger, the resentment and eventually forgave. I stopped hating him and myself but what’s left is a void I don’t know if I am able to fill in any way. I’m in a weird state of numbness where I lay in bed and just wish I was “less alive”. Not hurt. Not crying. Just empty. I just came back from the most fulfilling vacation home and saw my family. I had truly the most amazing time and really needed this after I was hospitalised due to stress in March.

Why is it that now when I truly got a period of peace, my mind is running towards an “exit plan”? I feel so numb that I would not care what happens to me next. And it’s so strange, I never see anyone mentioning this part of healing. I did the work to heal, made myself happy, like actually actively worked on building myself back, but I still feel like something in me has died and along with that “something” so did any true joy I once had.

The effects felt so disastrous sometime ago. I used to take pride in my positivity in life and I considered it one of my biggest attributes, so how did I become so desensitised to whatever I’ve been through? And most importantly, desensitised to whatever life throws at me?

You know, I never took any revenge, though I once wanted to. I’ve been advised that forgiving both parties is the key to moving on, but now that there are no more tears left I’m a little scared of the repercussions, I guess. It’s like, if this happens again, that’s it for me, it’s my last straw. It sounds dramatic even to myself, and I am only writing this because I have no one to turn to (cannot tell family out of shame and my friends have heard enough) and as a result I find myself casually idealising offing myself.

I actually did a lot of thinking through my pain and I know I am worthy. I know it was never something I’m lacking. I understood his motives, as selfish as they are. I understood the psychology of it all and allowed myself time and space to heal.

Distractions work temporarily, and I’ve done a lot of inner work, but I am extremely weirded out by my decreased will to live. I think that if someone put a gun to my head now I’d say “Thank you. Do it”. At least it would erase another person with a lost soul. As i’m writing this, I realize that I might actually be fearing becoming like the person that hurt me. Integrity was everything to me. This experience taught me that the words such as integrity, morals and consideration can actually mean nothing to someone else, which was a true shock and a wake up call. I just don’t want to become a bad person.

The old me has died and I don’t know what I will transform into when this numbness is over.

I have no valid reason to go this dark. It’s just been too much. I’m tired. I’ll still be here tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. I just hope that the damage is somehow reversible. I’m not serious about offing myself, I just find it extremely strange how casual it is for me to consider it as an option after this traumatic period.

Does this weird and dangerous numbness ever end?

It's been about 1.5 months since I (25M) caught my partner (24F) of nearly 4 years while they were on a date with someone else. I posted a detailed account of it all on a different sub and you can find that post on my profile if you're curious. I don't have the emotional energy to recount it all right now.

I have been cheated on in three separate long-term relationships. This most recent time hurt the worst because I never thought this person would be capable of doing something so cruel and selfish, I had recovered from my relationship anxieties caused my past experiences with infidelity and I trusted her entirely. She knew what happened to me and was angry and sad for me. And then she went and did the same thing.

In a former abusive relationship, my abuser once told me, after I confronted her about cheating, that I "encouraged" her to do it. That something about my personality or my attachment style or something had convinced her to cheat on me with her ex. Obviously I know that's bullshit, cheating is never justified. But it's hard to not feel like theres some semblance of that that must be real when I've been cheated on so much, and especially by this most recent partner who never even expressed interest in anyone else.

I can't shake the feeling that it's my fault. Or that I should have done something to prevent it. This recent relationship started as a consensual FWB situation because I had just been cheated on a few months before and couldn't trust to be monogamous. As time went on that became complicated as feelings got more serious and I didn't want to hurt anyone but was scared of monogamy. A couple years in and me and my partner got into a very serious car accident, and that experience made it very clear to me that I wanted something real and committed with her, because we nearly died together. We became monogamous and things were really stable between us for a long time. We never fought and only bickered about minor things and always laughed it off. Never got short or annoyed with each other. We were (I thought) very open and honest about our feelings and thoughts.

It was devastating when she cheated on me - she knew about the abuse in the past I had experienced and she still did it. I still don't have any answers as to why. She blamed meds she was taking, and she told me she hadn't been feeling confident lately...

I was scared of monogamy for this exact reason and I ended up trusting her. And I got exactly what I was worried about from it. Why does this keep happening to me? I don't understand where I go wrong, I am a loving and attentive person in committed relationships and I feel like it usually leads to the same place. I know I shouldn't blame myself for being cheated on but it's so hard not to when it feels like a trend. I really need some consolation right now.

Currently in a temporary LDR with my girlfriend (in a queer relationship) for more than 2 months already because of her work. We've been together for more than 2 years now and this is the longest time we've been apart.

At first, it was alright, we still managed to have constant communication. But after a month and a half, when their schedule became a lot busier, she gradually lost time.

It was understandable at first, given their busy schedule. But then when I see that she has free time she still didn't even call. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not entitled to her free time and she needs to rest and relax too -- but still, more than 2 weeks of no calls, erratic updates, less details of where she is or what she's doing-- eventually I barely know what she's up to.

I see her hanging out more often with her colleagues than she did before. Which was okay, she should socialize and she can also make friends. But from that point on, I'm having a gut feeling that something's wrong. I didn't bring it up for days, telling myself I'm just missing her and being paranoid.

Then when I brought up that she didn't have even little time for me, we had a small fight. She said I have to understand her situation there. And whenever I would like to know more details of what she's up to, it sounded like I'm accusing her.

Then just a week ago, I opened our iPad to check the receipt of the phone bill I paid, which was sent to her email. Her email was logged in and she has a habit of deleting even important invoices.

I was searching for it, then went to the trash, only to accidentally click on drafts. There I saw a sweet, lovely message she drafted for one of her colleagues. It was drafted weeks ago. It was a sweet and thoughtful parting message. She wrote along the words:

"We had a short but oh so sweet run and I don't want our relationship to end just because I'm going home. I am just going back to a place where it needed me the most right now and you will go to a place where you will learn more and strengthen your skills. But this isn't the end baby. This is the beginning of a lifelong relationship between you and me".

She also wrote that she'll fly anywhere in the world to get her and her home is her home. She called her name with "my" and had a special endearment for her.

When I confronted her, she had been defensive. She said she's just a special friend to whom she connected deeply in a platonic way. Like she had a soul sister. She said she doesn't have to explain to me because the letter is for that person. She wouldn't stay away from her just because I'm jealous and uncomfortable. She also explained that they all call each other at work "baby", regardless, she still refers to her in another word of endearment. She also added that I shouldn't be jealous because she's straight.

She said I shouldn't overthink the message too. But I didn't like the way she said as if she's just going home just because she needs to, because the contract's over and she has to go home. Like its an obligation, and that if she have a choice, she won't.

I like to believe her, I really do. But then, this discovery and her behavior lately prompted me to dig more. Her email, social media, and search history revealed more. (Yes this is very toxic, I know).

There is a deleted hotel booking confirmation, deleted massage appointment (i know she didn't avail for herself because she just got one), an Uber ride to said hotel, a search for a jewelry in a specific birthstone, a search for a sports watch (one of the other girl's interests), a searh for a luxury watch and where is the nearest outlet to buy it, a search for translation of words she captioned her insta post with the girl's photo, a lot of translation searches for messages, a search about songs on one sided love. Also searched how long can she stay in the country without a visa.

She also claimed that she wrote the message for a few mins but there's a search for "pick up lines" and quotes for said message.

There are saved reels with captions "we'll love each other in secret and that's okay", "i'll love you in silence".

Upon stalking the girl, the birthstone for her birth month is the exactly the one she's looking for in a necklace.

Do you think these are just being a very very nice friend??

As I am writing this, I feel like I'm fooling myself asking the question. A lot of these are assumptions but given that my girlfriend had enjoyed her time there a little too much to the point of neglecting me is making my heart drop.

So if any of you is familiar with my old posts you'll know my experience. Long story short for those that don't, my partner of 12 year relationship cheated on me during the last 5 years, got me pregnant in the midst of his longtime and casual affairs (he had a go to mistress and also entertained tinder casual sex). I'm currently pregnant with baby #2 and with a 11 month baby. I found out about his cheating on march.

So in my country, tomorrow is mother's day. It will be my first mother's day with my baby and I just feel so sad and depressed because this is not what I pictured for first mother's day. I'll be with my baby and I'm aware that is the most important thing because my baby is healthy, happy and thriving but i just get so emotional with the fact that the person who was supposed to celebrate me the most on this first mother's day has done me the most harm and here I am feeling defeated and he is all happy and dandy like a dog in heat. I believe it's maybe the pregnancy hormones and because I had anticipated this mother's day to be special. I know I shouldn't be wallowing in self pity but God do I feel awful.

Ufff. I really needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Short catch up: Wife of 14 years had a months long physical affair that continued after d-day, d-day was 2 months ago. We have kids, she moved out, CC is over, IC continues, life is weird. We are in contact but keeping it brief most of the time, for the kids. Friendly, not friends. She continues with wild fluctuations of how she sees our relationship, her relationship with AP, me as a husband, etc. since stopping CC, I plan to offer less opportunities for conversations like these to continue.

Update: Good news, I finally found a lawyer.

The OBS knows, and my wife broke up with her AP.

At first I felt indifferent about the breakup. I have a lawyer now, I can keep moving forward with divorce.

Now the doubts creep in.... Am I moving too fast? Has she simply not had time to process what happened? Is this really what I want?

My wife is beginning to stabilize, mentally, so it's starting to make me doubt my path. I started entertaining the thought that her mental state is a reasonable explanation for her affair. I started to wonder if she has more time and will she try to win me back.

In my mind, I know this isn't true. I know that I can't trust her as a partner. I know that even if I accept what she did, I don't want it to be a part of my future story. I don't accept that this is healthy for any future relationship. I think there is no such thing as reconciliation for affairs like hers, I think people just choose to lie to themselves because it seems more comfortable.

She is making progress on getting a job and a better place to start 50/50 parenting. This helps me, financially and emotionally. Now I'm faced with increased alone time and wondering if my doubts are just anxiousness about seeing my kids less. Even though I think learning to be alone and having space to do what I want is likely what is best for me.

I'll continue with IC, it's good to have an outlet. I have opened up to my own family who have been incredibly supportive. Overall, I think I am doing well, all things considered. A little over 2 months since D-Day and I am not thriving, but I'm doing more than just surviving.

Since ending CC and finding a lawyer, my blood pressure is lower, I'm sleeping a bit better and I have less anxiety. Now maybe I will have the space in my mind to start making more concrete plans for divorce.

Spent half my life with my STBX and recently separated after a traumatizing exit affair.

I don't know how to deal with all the memories, good or bad. I find myself triggered by everything. We travelled a lot, so now whole countries make me anxious. Meals we ate together, music, movies, games, everything.

We were living abroad and I loved the country, made some good friends there. But that's where the affair happened, so I feel like I can't reminisce about anything positive from there.

I am getting rid of all the physical memories. I had to move and when packing, I threw out probably more than half my clothes because I associated them with things I did with him (dates, vacation, etc). Threw out all the gifts he gave me, souvenirs we bought together.

I have medication, a therapist, been exercising, journaling etc. But everyday is a struggle.

Any advice on how to get through these feelings? I am so sad that I feel like I have lost half my life.

Almost two weeks passed since discovery. I've been cheated on with bunch of different women over the last two years of six years relationship. He told himself. He wanted to break up and we did. I could never believe he could do that to me, there were no signs. We were good and respected one another. Even if we were breaking up I'd never believe it would happen over infidelity. I loved him so much. I feel so broken, I don't know what to call home anymore, I don't know what to make from this, what to do with my future anymore, I wasn't relying my life on him but loving him gave me so much fulfilment to my life that it would balance out other not so shiny things like my career and so on. Also I'm getting 30 and have no plan anymore. I would never believe he could be so cruel. My mind can't glue these two men together and accept it's the same person. I don't know what to grieve exactly. 4 years before cheating? 2 years of life illusion?

I (28F) miss my ex (25M) so much. We experienced so so much together. I don’t have a home. He was my home

I’m 19. My parents have been married for 20 years now. Few years ago, my dad and his ex were communicating behind my mom’s back. The typical—video calls, exchange of messages.

My mom forgave my dad.. only for it to be repeated.

Today, I learned that the same thing happened. My mom forgave him again. I feel sorry for my mom. She doesn’t deserve all this. I want to protect her and stand up for her. I know that if I’m in my mom’s position, I wouldn’t be able to forgive the man that cheats on me especially with his ex. If I’m in my mom’s position, I know that the only solution is divorce. But I don’t want our family to be broken. And I know that my mom loves my dad so much for her to do that.

For this to be resolved, I plan to message my dad’s ex. Tell her how fcked up her mind is, tell her how much of a homewrecker she is. I don’t know, but I just want to protect my mom whatever it takes.

But they don’t know that I know about my dad’s infidelity. I don’t really care how they would react if I ever did it. For I know, I’m not the one who ruined the family.

Tomorrow is mother’s day. And this is how my dad surprise my mom.

Looking for advice from anyone who has been cheating on, heard it from their partner, and had tried to reconcile.

I (27 F) have been with my fiancé (29 M) for 5 years. We live together and have planned our wedding. He came forward telling me that he “did something with someone” which turned out to be making out and getting a blow job from a coworker who is married.

In further confessions, he admits to basically sexting with this woman 3-4 times over the course of 1-2 months prior to the physical cheating. During this time we did things such as our wedding tasting, buying our wedding bands, and planning our honeymoon.

He is very remorseful and immediately sought therapy. He does admit to realizing he has deep insecurities and recognizes he needs to work through these regardless of the relationship. He also owns that he was unhappy with aspects of the relationship but was unable to communicate them at the time.

Is reconciliation possible?

So to preface, I’m 21 and my gf is 22. We have a son who is almost 2 and we live together with a lease that doesn’t end until March next year. We have been together since August 2020.

We have a complicated and long history that would take a long time to explain so I’ll just hit the major points. Shortly before we got together she cheated on her then, BF with me, (I know that was wrong of me as well now and I’ve matured a lot, I was 17 at the time) and quickly moved in with me after breaking it off with him. She cheated on me the first time by fucking her ex while I was out of town about 3 months in, she went to his place to drop off something for the cats they got together (I asked her not to drop it off while I was gone) and apparently he stood in front of the door and kept begging for sex so she gave it to him. I didn’t find out about that until I caught her in a month long EA with a coworker and she told me about it. I was in a bad place at that time and had very little to no self respect so I stayed with her. 3 months later she was pregnant. There have been a few other minor instances since then where I caught her in a lie but no cheating I’m aware of.

The recent incident is that while trying to write a guitar part for a song she wrote I looked in her notes on her phone to remember how it went, I stumbled across what was quite obviously two songs about having emotional and sexual feelings for my best friend who is all the way across the country due to military.

He’s been a mutual friend of ours but my friend since middle school. This was obviously devastating and infuriating, and when confronted she said it was feelings she had for about two days but she typed it down so she could work through it and get over them. When I asked if she would have ever told me she said no, and that really got me mad. I really told her off, basically explained how my mom cheated on my dad (their marriage was dead for years but I didn’t see it coming) when I was 13 and that was traumatic bc my whole life changed. And that every time she did some shit whether it cheating or lying I felt like I was just reliving that trauma. I told her how I felt like she was imposing this cycle on our relationship where every 8-12 months she would betray and lie to me and we would trauma bond and work through it and then things would settle down for 4 or 5 months and then she would get bored or uncomfortable in the security of a functioning relationship or something idk, and then do it all over again. The conversation ended that night with me saying I needed some time to seriously consider if the relationship was salvageable.

Two days later my best friend called, he told me his mom was in the hospital so he’d be in town the next day for about 10 days. Needless to say when the call ended I broke down into hysterical laughter abt the irony of life for about 10 minutes. For the rest of the day I was a complete wreck, my friend had said he wanted to hang out with us, and I couldn’t tell him what was happening, just can’t. She ended up comforting me and we had sex. Right back to trauma bonding.

I’ve been drinking and chain smoking quite a bit. My heads been all over the place. If it’s possible to make this relationship work then I do want to. I’ve told you guys all the very ugliest parts about my GF but she does have so many amazing qualities. There’d be no real way to explain all those without making this already long ass post just TOO long. She also wants to change, she says she wants our relationship to work and I believe her, I just think she has absolutely terrible impulse control and isn’t good at defining, talking about, or working through her feelings. Individual and couples therapy has already been decided as a prerequisite if we decide to continue the relationship, and she’s totally on board.

I already know what most of you guys will say “dude get some self respect and leave this girl already” I read this sub almost daily so I know. It’s just a complicated situation and there would be no way for me to explain it all in one Reddit post. Any and all advice is appreciated and feel free to be harsh on me if you feel like that’s what’s necessary. Ask questions if you want and I will try to reply in a timely manor. And thankyou all in this sub for helping people going through it or just caring enough to read.

A decade down the drain. Feels like it was all for nothing. I have been loyal to a fault since day one and would never consider engaging in any activity that could even be remotely considered cheating. Bent over backwards to be the best partner and parent I could be each and every single day.

The signs of infidelity started around the 2 year mark. They continued on periodically from there. I have now lost count of how many times this has happened. At first I confronted the situation head on, but was met with gaslighting and denial. Never an acknowledgement, nor an apology, nor any attempts to change or make things right. I chose to continue looking the other way for the sake of kids and preserving the “happy family fantasy”. I tried harder to be perfect, to be what would be considered the ideal partner. I thought if I just keep trying harder, that will fix everything.

Obviously I am persistent and stubborn when it comes to working desperately to fix the faults and wrongdoings of others, but over time I have become tired. There were recently less attempts to hide the cheating. I stopped confronting and tried my best to ignore. Kept up the exhausting “perfect partner” routine, but realized inside I was dead. A shell of who I used to be. Nobody but a person who lived to serve and please and turn a blind eye to blatant dishonesty, infidelity and disrespect.

Last night was the final straw for me. It is obvious at this point that he wants to get caught and has put the ball in my court to end this relationship. I’ve been backed into a corner. I can’t ignore it any longer. I have made the decision to move forward with my life even though I will struggle greatly to financially support myself.

Single motherhood was never what I wanted, but the anxiety and stress this relationship has caused me is debilitating. It is literally leading to chronic physical health problems. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I don’t laugh. I don’t enjoy the precious time I have on this earth because I feel degraded, worthless and somehow at fault for all of this. This relationship has consumed my entire adult life. I have never lived on my own. Now I am staring down the barrel of life as a single parent, navigating all the challenges that will surely lie ahead. The thought of having to break this news of separation to my sweet, precious child is just devastating me. I am embarrassed for family and friends to find out the truth.

The only silver living is the hope of finding peace, healing from trauma, and living the life I want to live instead of basing my entire routine, schedule and decisions around how I can continue to serve a serial cheater. It’s either that, or I stay in this trap of unhappiness and misery and never know what it means to enjoy life on my own terms. I am bitter, heartbroken and bone-deep tired.

I wish to be swallowed alive by a black hole to escape this reality. Since that isn’t an option, I’ll have to put my chin up, work on myself, focus on my child and leave the past behind me. My head hurts. My body aches. My heart is crushed.

This has to be the darkest moment of my entire life and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I never want to enter another relationship as long as I live for the pain of inevitable infidelity is too great.

I’d rather spend my days on this earth as a dedicated mom and a crazy cat lady. At least cats don’t cheat on you.

I'm in need of an outside perspective here. Little bit of background about us, we are both early 30's, no kids, married 5 years, together 8.

Last summer I found out my wife posted on reddit asking for advice, and said post was 2 years old. Instead of trying to explain it, I'll just paste the content on here. She had deleted it but the detective in me found a way to retrieve it. I apologize if this is a long read.

Does he lust for me or not? HELP

"Hi, I am kinda needing some advice regarding a man who I work with. Just a bit of background, we do not work at the same company - he has an office next to ours and is in the army. I am 28f, married, good looking. He is 41m, married, and decent looking. I'm very friendly so we started talking about random stuff like metal music which we are into. It's evolved into this "flirty" type discussions. He's asked me lots about my life like my age, where I live, what my husband does for work, etc. I figured he wanted to know more about me. The other day I was in his office talking and he casually gets up and grabs his lotion and starts applying it on his leg (he pulled his pants up) and he has a bunch of tattoos on his leg. Was this showing off or just applying oil to his tattoos mid conversation? Idk. He is married but never talks about his married life. He smiles at me when I come by to see him. He must be flattered a 28 yr old is interested in him. We've talked for long periods of times and his body language is always relaxed like leaning against his door or in his chair. So there COULD be signs of a 'crush'. how can I know for sure he is interested and how would I know how far he is willing to go?

I am happily married but dig his attention, he's charming, decent looking and I am somewhat crushing on him too, though I don't think it'll go anywhere. But I can't tell you how I would react if he kisses me - will I back off and set that boundary or pounce on him with raging hormones because as a woman we love that attention and to be desired? The wonders of the unknown.

Men, what do you think? How can I find out how he sees me without asking in a direct way?"

The comments themselves were not deleted. She wrote in one of them:

"I'm shy and don't think I'll make any move but I'm not sure if he'd try. I don't think so unless he is really sure I like him and not just flirting. Sometimes it's only me and him on our floor down in the basement of the building - so it's easy. I know I am playing with fire but I don't know why I love the attention and flirty discussions with him. Growing up my dad never gave me attention, my exes left me when I was overweight and my husband is great but that "gleam" in his eyes in the beginning has disappeared, he isn't enamored by me anymore which happens in most marriages after the honeymoon phase. I'm good looking for my age and in shape now so I have more confidence this time and I like flaunting it with him"

Another comment : "lol chill girl I wasn't the one who stole your man, and like I mentioned on my post 'it might not go anywhere' and 'I dont know what I'll do if he kisses me' maybe i'd automatically feel guilt and will ask him to stop...IDK. I am just wondering if by the signs I mentioned above - he is interested. He is a Christian with kids and has morals so who knows if he would even go that far - but I have not dated in a while and wondering what are the signs a married man is interested in another woman. Geez. Flirting is flirting and we dont talk personal stuff, its mostly music, our work, food, etc just general topics for now"

Now, along with this, I also found "progress pictures" she had posted a few months prior to this, also on reddit. First post was legit, but the second was a nude she had sent me while I was overseas, with her privates edited and covered by some hearts. Her inbox had a few horny dudes who messaged her, and she flirted back with a couple of them.

We are now 10 months after I found all of this out. I still cannot believe this all happened, it feels like someone else wrote this, not my wife. On that day I fucking blew up, told her I needed time to reflect on all this. After questioning her she insisted nothing happened, she was just fantasizing and regretted it immediately after she posted it. That the guy in question used to call her "kid" and had no romantic interest towards her. The pictures were because she felt the need to be validated, and that she hardly remembered posting these. I eventually told her to move out and that we were going to live apart for a while, because that's what I thought I needed. We stayed in contact the whole time, which I now realize was probably a mistake.

She has recently issued an ultimatum, by next month I have to make the decision of getting back with her, or we are done. She said it in a friendly way, which I think fucks with my mind even more. She keeps saying that we have to work on our marriage together to save it, and that living apart is not solving anything. Asking me to read relationship books on how to be a better partner, article about love languages, things that have nothing to do with what she did. Telling me about guys that hit on her, like this shit is supposed to help her gain my trust back.

We were trying for a kid before all of this happened. Her biological clock is ticking, so I understand that she won't wait several years in limbo waiting for me to get over what she did. I know she will want to start trying again if I agree to reconcile. For me that is way too early to even consider that kind of commitment.

She has broken something that I am not sure can ever be fixed, but at the same time I still love her deeply, and deep down am hoping that there is a slim chance reconciliation might be possible. What the fuck is wrong with me? Has she found a way to hack my brain, or am I just being a chump? Since last year I have pretty much not been sober for a single day, drowning all of this with heavy drinking. Now 2 weeks sober, with a clear head and starting to see things in a different light. Realizing it might be over, and it hurts so fucking much. IC is out of the question for me due to financial reasons, so I guess I just needed to share this and get some outside perspective. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end.

EDIT: Forgot a couple things since I was trying to keep this short.

We are now living in another state, so her job and co-worker at the time is out of the picture, if that means anything.

According to my wife, her need for validation and fantasizing was due to my lack of attention towards her, mostly due to my line of work and stoic personality. There was a lot of tears, apologizing and telling me she had looked for it in all the wrong places. At the time the post was made (3 years ago), I was working a very physical job in the trades and either coming home physically exhausted, or working late doing side gigs. I won't deny the fact that I could've dedicated more time and effort towards our marriage instead of work, but at the same time I would've liked her to bring this up to me at the time and ask me to get my shit together, instead of trying to find that attention outside our marriage.

She has done some counseling on her end, maybe 2-3 sessions total and has not really shared what came out of it with me. She wanted us to get couple's counseling but I refused at the time. I just wanted time by myself to decide if this was the person I wanted to share the rest of my life with and have children, not work on our relationship. Not sure if that was the right call but that's the one I made. She has read books, mostly relationship and self help, and says we both need to work on our flaws. According to her, mine is not sharing my feelings and showing enough affection. There might be some truth in that, as I tend to not be the love letter and flowers type, at least not as often as she'd like. Again, if that was such an issue it could've been something for me to work on.

She has not admitted to anything else other than what I found out on my own, and insists that she would've never done anything to risk losing me. That is probably the part that bothers me the most. I am either very good at finding shit out, or there is more than I will probably never know.

Also, I have told her since day one that any infidelity on her part was a one and fucking done deal. She knew it, and I expected the same from myself. Yet here I am today. Easier said than done I guess.

Thanks a lot for all the great input internet strangers.

I’ve been spending way too much time trying to ‘untangle the skein of crazy’. I recognize that this is a coping mechanism: try to organize and diagnose the incomprehensible painful behavior, because the confusion adds to the pain. If it makes more sense, it will hurt less, and maybe I can learn from it.  

There’s some utility in this, but it is limited. After all, how do you learn from something that, ultimately, had nothing to do with you? What is the use of knowing the exact mechanism of how he came to make these horrible choices? Does it really matter whether he was a covert narcissist, a codependent, or some other label? Does it matter if his mind worked that way just at the end vs. all along? I was happy until I wasn’t. We were functional (I would even venture to say healthy and well-adjusted) until we weren’t. Granted, the breakdown might have been avoidable. But, the actions that had to be taken to prevent this were out of my control, so the inevitability or lack thereof doesn’t give me any useful information. 

What keeps me up about that question is the terrifying notion that my whole relationship was a mirage. That he was never really in love with me the way I was in love with him. What if all the ways I thought he was loving and giving were just performative means for him to feel good about himself? What a great partner I am. Validate me by showing gratitude for my excellent husbanding. Tell your family and friends how much I do for you. And what if all the things I thought he loved about me were actually just about how I added to his value? Look at my pretty, smart, talented, funny, sexy wife. She is a reflection of me. I wouldn’t have been able to keep a woman like that hanging on for so many years if I weren’t so great. I thought I was safe just being me, that I would always be loved because I was loved for who I am intrinsically. But what if it was just a math problem in his head? His need for validation got stronger and more pathological, while at the same time my ability to meet it waned. I wasn’t as fun or attentive because I was sick with painful conditions and busy trying to save my career. The demand was exceeding the supply, and the solution was simple: go outside the marriage to meet the remaining need. There is no way he could have made this economic choice if I — meaning my intrinsic worth, my love, my dignity — held any value in his heart. 

But what about an alternative scenario? The above presupposes a rational choice, but people routinely make irrational decisions. Perhaps he did love me truly and deeply, the way I loved him. He could have become, by virtue of diathesis and stress, so desperately anxious and lonely that he would have done anything to feel better. I had remarked in one of my last letters to him that he had started to act like a trapped animal, mired in dissatisfaction with our life. What if he was simply so desperate and weak that he made the irrational choice of chewing off his own leg? Sure, it gets you out of the trap, but what then? You are dragging yourself crippled and bleeding through the forest, losing even more strength as every predator within a mile radius picks up the scent of blood and moves in for the kill. It’s a completely irrational choice, but a wounded animal driven crazy by pain doesn’t have the foresight to make a rational one. Avoidance and escape are the default, no matter the cost. Perhaps this is what happened, and I can feel some compassion in spite of my pain and horror. But even so, what to do about someone who is so weak that they simply can’t power through the pain for your sake? There were plenty of healthy ways that pain could have been managed, but they take time and work. He chose the easiest one for him, at my expense. Can someone truly love someone else, and at the same time be too weak to honor their vows? If you and your comrade in arms were both taken prisoner and he broke under torture, would you hold it against him? We know that pain is a composite experience of injury that includes dissociable sensory and affective components. I wonder if ‘love’, as I experience it, is a composite of care and strength. Without the strength, the love falls short. Does that make the care any less valuable? No, but it also means we did not share the same experience of love.

Did I choose a hollow person, or a weak one? Is he treating me so disgustingly during the divorce because he is raging at me for daring to cut off his narcissistic supply? Or is he projecting his self-hatred and guilt onto me because he is simply too weak to handle it without crumbling? I don’t know which of these possibilities is true. I will probably never know. 

All I know is I wasn’t being treated the way I need and deserve to be treated. I put myself aside, I tried to understand. I asked for respect nicely, then I demanded it firmly. It made no difference. What does it matter whether he wouldn’t or couldn’t? Both roads lead to the same conclusion. He didn’t. 

Imagine you spent your whole life in a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone whom you found out, upon their death, wasn’t a human form of intelligence. Let’s say they were a highly advanced AI, or an alien. They couldn’t have possibly loved you the same way you loved them, because your consciousness is structured in a fundamentally different way. What does that mean for you? You would be shocked and shaken. You would feel unsafe and uncertain because the reality you accepted turned out to be false. What else are you wrong about? Will this happen again? Did any of actually mean anything? Was any of it real?

There is only one thing that you can know, which is your own heart. You loved whatever the fuck they were. And there is value in that. For you and you alone. 

Hi everyone I hate to be here and am sad all of you are here as well.

I have a bit of confusion and wanted some advice, maybe I just need to vent and be told I’m losing my mind who knows. Going to try to make it short & to the point. Here we go.

My husband & I have been together 14 yrs. He has family he use to live with, and a cousin that he isn’t blood related to but grew up together as cousins.

My husband has always talked about this “cousin” specifically pretty often throughout our relationship. I never met her as we live in different states but always heard of her. About 4 yrs ago, she came up again and my husband said that when he moved back home, she admitted to having a crush on him & he said it was awkward.

Personally, I think it’s weird to have a crush on your “cousin”. I told him that was very weird and he agreed it was weird and he felt awkward when she confessed it to him.

Fast forward to now, (we are truck drivers now & they hadn’t seen eachother in at least 15+ yrs at this point) I met that side of his family during the holidays, but that thought always stuck in the back of my head. When I met her, I was nice, civil and pretended to not know about her crush, although I hope it’s gone away by now that we’re adults and she’s married (to a man with the same name as my husband, again weird) with a child.

We were having a few drinks with her brother (my husbands blood cousin) my husband, her and myself. While my husband went to get some more wood for the fire she turned to me and said, “well at first I wasn’t sure about you, but now that I met you and he loves you, I guess you’re alright.”

That kind of caught me off guard cause wtf? I brushed it off cause I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I told my husband later that night. We left and headed back home.

Here’s where it gets really weird:

He was in her area delivering a load and he messaged her to hang out (which was suppose to be my husband, her & her brother) He met up with her this past Sunday. Alone. (He didn’t tell me anything about it.)

He got back home yesterday. I woke up at 4am this morning with just a gut wrenching feeling and felt the need to check his phone. I found a bunch of deleted texts between them and the energy of the texts is more than just “cousins” texting.

Here are some points from the text messages:

They are telling each other that it was better hanging out alone than with “everyone else.”

He said it was nice seeing her and he had a great time hanging out with her.

She says it was a last minute, he responds with “I’m spontaneous like that”

He’s telling her he wishes he could have a drink with her.

Now in all the years we’ve been together, I’ve never received any messages like that. Never heard him tell me he has ever enjoyed hanging out with me, or that he enjoys spending time alone with me and it’s better than spending time with everyone else.

I get it sometimes we really miss our family, but these messages were all deleted. I don’t delete messages and much less if they’re from my “cousins.”

I asked him if he met up with them (her & her brother) he denied it. I asked if he met up with her and also denied it & said he didn’t meet up with either of them.

Am I overthinking this?

I can edit & add screenshots straight from the text messages if needed.

I called and reported to HR that the two of them have been sleeping together for quite some time. Normally I would never seek any sort of revenge but I was feeling petty. I'm not sure if anything will happen as I have no proof I can show but he is the assistant manager there and she is his subordinate. I'm sure the most they will do is transfer one of them.

Since I broke up with him 1.5 weeks ago, he has left me countless blocked voicemails, apologizing and telling me that I am the love of his life and that he made the worst mistake and is in the worst situation he has ever been in and says that he will "literally do anything to get me back and correct his behavior" etc. He has also showed up unannounced every single day since and waited outside my apartment for hours when I wasn't there, or at least he admitted to this.

I remember seeing a post about Shaq and he talked about how cheating ruined the trajectory of his life and now he is alone in a big empty house and his kids won't talk to him because of how poorly he treated his wife. I wonder if my ex will feel that way in his future. I will never understand why some people choose to do this to the supposed "love of their life", unless he was just sweet-talking me. I will leave this alone now.

tl;dr: Told my ex's workplace about his relationship with his coworker. Maybe this was petty but I felt like they should know.

Some days you feel like you’ve got it together, you’re fine and life is coming together and other days are spent crying for 6 hours, forgetting to eat, and tearing yourself down.

What have been some of the most influential aspects during the healing process that have led you to feel like yourself again?

Aspects that have been valuable to you in a sense of: Rebuilding self esteem, finding worth/value/purpose, recognizing yourself in the mirror, the ability to trust yourself and your decisions, regaining a sense of reality. The specifics, maybe a book that really helped you achieve this, a particular aspect of therapy, something you did or achieved for yourself, a goal you worked towards, Etc.

Any thoughts on how to make it feel equalized if a reconciliation were to happen? I think I can get over the fact that it happened, even though right now it still churns my stomach. But I think I'll lose some respect for myself, as well as feel fairly cheated by the whole situation, if I leave it unbalanced between us. As a 31m I obviously have far fewer options than she does and it would be far more difficult for me to be with anyone/"catch up" while we're separated (especially due to an injury making me a bit extra of a hermit atm), plus I am extremely picky and don't really want to sleep with someone I'm not especially attracted to. Hall pass is apparently out of the question if we get back together. Am I SOL that just has to either shut up and take it or abandon the relationship completely? Or are there other alternatives that some of you may have tried and had success with?

Is it a disease? If so didn’t it start as lust, deceptions, selfishness, disrespect? Do you stay if it’s truly an illness Or do you pick your self respect

My soon to be ex husband cheated on me and gave me an STD. We’ve been together around 8 years in total, more if I consider the time before we were officially dating. He cheated on his previous partner and only admitted to flirting with a coworker during his relationship with me, despite my test results. He’s result were negative, but I suspect he treated himself (no sex for over 6weeks before my results came in and he drank nonalcoholic beer for a week - normally we have sex at least 2/week and he NEVER drinks nonalcoholic beer)

We are currently discussing the practicality of divorce while trying to process the pain.

I was kinda numb until yesterday, but fully committed to leaving him. Yesterday though, something snapped within me around noon. I’ve been crying since, can’t sleep, can’t eat, I can barely force myself to drink some water. I have an overwhelming feeling of “I’d rather die than live without you”. I can’t explain it, my whole body hurts, and all the shit he’s done all of a sudden doesn’t matter any more. It’s like I lost my mind!!! I was fine for weeks now, looking for rent, handling it with strength and dignity and actually excited to close this chapter. I was full of hope and even considering getting on a dating app. Now I am thinking - we love eachother like mad, want the same things in life, have amazing conversations, have great sex, we literally hold hands every night while we sleep, we survived the loss of a pregnancy, we take such good care of one another and we are so lucky to have found eachother. After 8 years and we desire one another even more than at the beginning, we both come up with ideas that could improve our relationship and we are both growing and thriving. Is cheating worth throwing everything away for?

A part of me is horrified that I am thinking like this. I would rather stay and never ask questions, and pretend this never happened than living one more second without him. 48h ago I had no doubt that I can’t even live in the same house with him any second longer, and couldn’t wait to move on. Been talking to a therapist and seemed to go well, she can’t see me until the end of next week, but I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do and can’t explain this overwhelming, sudden feeling. I’m afraid I’ll hurt myself if it gets worse. Can it get worse?! I am so bad today that I had to call in sick at work and wasn’t even able to stifle my sobbing while on the phone. Am I losing my mind?

I think my pain comes from this huge conflict between my values and my instinct. I would never respect myself if I stayed, but living without him feels worse than dying. My brain is starting to serve me phrases like “i hope I have cancer so no one will judge me for not divorcing him” or “i hope I get an aneurysm to have an excuse for staying with him”. I am shocked and appalled at these thoughts!!! I don’t understand where they come from and they scare the shit outta me!

Please don’t start with “stay and he’ll cheat on you your whole life” or “you deserve to be treated like this, you are a doormat”. I am fully aware and in excruciating pain as it is. Please be kind. Any advice appreciated, and if anyone here can shed some light as to what changed within me, I’d be grateful.

For more info check my post history.

Ps. i already read “should I stay or should I go” and Lundy’s book on abusers.

There have been a few questions that have been bothering me to the point that I have knots in my stomach..

For example:

1. Can we discuss what led to the continuation of your communication with him, despite feeling guilty about it?

2. How do you reconcile considering him a good friend, given that he exploited your emotional vulnerability during the affair?

3. I'm struggling with how you seem to shift responsibility just because he apologized. Can we talk about how that makes me feel, especially considering the situation?

4. Is there a way for us to address the possibility of a few more messages exchanged after you communicated to him that you wouldn't continue talking?

I know she will answer them honestly, and I think I am afraid to hear the answer..

Any advice?

I just wanted to come on here and shout into the void... It's been about 2.5 months since DDay and boyyy are there ups and downs. I started therapy right away, but honestly, she doesn't ask me a lot of questions or try to delve deeper into my past relationship with my WP. I feel like I've gotten more out of a self-help journal than my sessions with her (From Heartbreak to Wholeness by Kristine Carlson, highly recommend. It's not about cheating but heartbreak in general). I'm not sure if I want to continue with her, but it is nice to talk to someone.

I've been no contact with him for 2 weeks now, and for some reason today I'm really in my feelings. Is it weird I keep thinking of him dying and feeling awful and guilty about how we left things? He had an emotional affair for our entire 5 year relationship - I know I shouldn't feel bad about leaving! I've also been missing him, but I know I'm just missing who I thought he was.

I've been trying to stay busy but also sit in my feelings. Things have been hard recently and my life feels pretty upside down. I'm reaching the point of sleep deprivation and burn out. I'm dealing with the emotions of all of this PLUS family illness, a semi-stressful housing situation, and an understaffed/overworked/underpaid job that I've clearly outgrown. It really feels like my life is starting over from scratch.

I know I'm lucky in SO many other ways, and I do have a lot of days where I feel positive and hopeful, but I guess today is not one of those days lol.

Just like most couples that meet in school, we started out with a 2-3 year long honeymoon phase, where everything was just right and we were both happy. We have been living together since year one. At one point, however, I started losing the spark and my focus shifted towards her flaws instead of the good things. She became less and less of a priority and more of a roommate with benefits. She thrives of affection and compliments and I failed to provide enough of that. I've also slowly been losing physical affection and found myself unwilling to initiate intimacy with her. I still enjoy spending time with her, be it on dates or just talking to her. We share a lot of values and our lifestyles align, although our interests differ significantly (which I don't mind).

We were about to move countries for my work and she gave me an ultimatum ("Do you actually want me to come with you?"). At that point, I made the decision to focus more on our relationship after moving and try to integrate the things that she needs into my daily life. We were both excited to start a new chapter together and move into a larger home (upgrading from a 35sqm studio to a 89sqm two bedroom flat) that allows us to have our own personal space.

The time leading up to the move was rather stressful for me and I did not show her enough affection and commitment. She had a coworker that had a crush on her (she told me so months ago). I thought nothing of it since her love for me always seemed sounwaivering (she said she is 100% committed to me and still loves me just as much as early on in our relationship). As it turns out, though, she was slowly developing feelings for said coworker (she called it a "workplace crush" when she confessed), which culminated in her kissing him and some romantic touching (no sex), wich we both consider cheating. All of this happened one week before our planned move. We had picked already picked out our new place together and I had signed the lease for 12 months. We moved and got busy buying essential goods and decorating our new home. It was during this time that she was overcome with guilt (maybe because I was paying for most of the stuff and treated her nicely, I earn about 6x her income and she is currently unemployed) and told me about her cheating. I was, and still am, shocked by this. She reassured me that she regrets it hugely and is still 100% committed to me and loves me just the same. She has always been very honest with me and I believe her on this. I have been trying to collect my thoughts these past few days and there only seem to be two courses of action:

1. We reconcile and I (try to) forgive her. If she does anything again to break my trust, it is over. We both work out specifics about how we want our relationship to be and what we are looking for from our partner. We both try our hardest in the relationship and record how we feel regularly. Then, we reconvene and reflect on what happened, either deciding that we are both 100% happy with things are going or that things have not changed enough or we are unable to maintain the change.
2. We break up and she moves back to her home country with her parents (we both have no friends and family in the country we just moved to ).

A part of me would be very sad if we would not give our new life a try. There are countless of things here that I wanted to do with her. Even though I am unsure if I still love her, making her happy brings me a lot of joy. On the flipside, we may be better off breaking up right now (before she grows roots in the new country through a new job or friends). I think if she cheated a few months before I moved, this decision would have been easy, but now we (mostly I) have made significant investments in starting our new life with a partner. If I end things, I am scared of being alone and not being able to find someone new. It also does not sit right with me financially, since I would have to pay for our new, large apartment all by myself. Since I will start a new (potentially stressful and draining) job within one week, I am also afraid that I couldn't handle the trauma of a break-up and resulting loneliness and it would impact my performance.

Is it worth it to attempt reconciliation or was her cheating the cherry on top an already fading relationship?

Is that normal, this uncertainty? I never wanted to go this route. A large part of me is scared of being alone because what if something happens to me, and I don't have anyone in my corner to support and care for me, or to be there for my pets if I die before them? And yet I know with absolute certainty that stbxw was never going to be that person, because in the end she doesn't respect me or love me and never really showed me that she did except as a tactic for her own objectives.

Even with my therapist saying I'm making progress, I know I'm too close to the problem to see it for myself, and I'm still sad and scared all the time now. I want to be happy that at the very least it will all be over before the end of the year, but that happiness seems so out of reach.

A little over a year ago my ex of 12 years left me to be with his coworker whom he was having an intense affair with. I found letters they wrote each other- passionate words he never said to me. He was, and is convinced he loves her. Does he? Probably.

They are still together, living together, and he gets to be a stepdad to young kids. This used to bring me pain but I can honestly say…I don’t care anymore. I don’t care whether they stay together or not. It has absolutely no impact on my life.

Would I like an apology? Sure. I am human. But what would that change for me?

I used to romanticize their relationship in my head. But now I know that they are two very lost individuals who flipped their life upside down to be together. How worth it will it feel when the new relationship energy wears off and they inevitably get bored with daily life. He signed up for so much baggage.

I can ensure you that spending time alone to reflect on a relationship and all the learnings that come with it is far healthier than jumping into a relationship with another person. It may feel like they won but you have to play the long game :)

I remember telling my therapist “I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about him/them /it” and she said “you will surprise yourself”

I didn’t believe it then but it’s true.

I found out my bf for 7 years cheated on me about 2months ago. His "meeting with friends" plan turned into kissing a random girl on his appartment kind of thing. I broke up with him and I was doing pretty well, in pain, but managing to work, exercise and all. I removed him from all my SM apps but didnt block him and he kept sending me messages telling me that he wanted to die, he would do anything to undo the mistake and have me back, blah blah blah. I gave in to meeting him and we talked like "friends". I havent gone back with him nor have I planned to, but seeing him and being "understanding" kinda feels like betraying myself, because, at the end of the day he had no consideration for my feeling when he cheated on me.

I want to be as kind and loving as possible, being mean and revengefull isnt really how I approach things but I hate this feeling, I forgave him, I cant hate him but I cant get over the fact that he ridiculed me infront of his friends and hurt my feelings in a really horrible way.

I appreciate any advice you have. Thank you