My cheating ex husband gave framed photos of himself with my kids to my kids for Christmas.

The photos are from a couple years ago when he still had joint custody. The kids barely speak to him now.

The photos are not good. In one he looks like he’s the saddest man on earth, and in the other he is wearing a hat and glasses.

The kids don’t want these photos, so they’re just sitting in my house face down at the moment.

He gave a couple other gifts so it’s not so terrible, but why? He’ll do dumb shit like this but refuses to actually make amends.

Last week, my wife and I had another argument about a guy she met on Twitch, with whom I felt she was getting too close. She said she needed a weekend to go to our hometown and have some space to think. I let her go, and spent the weekend cleaning, writing love letters, and thinking about how to be a better partner. Just before she got back, I realized she never went to our hometown. She went a couple states over and spent the whole weekend sleeping with this guy while I thought of ways to save our marriage.

She got home, put her rings on my desk, and told me it was over. That she loved him (who she's known for three months), and wanted to be with him now. Ten years together, two and half years married, three young children, gone so quickly.

Since then she's almost completely refused to even speak to me, but I haven't given up. I've heard her complain that all of her friends have criticized her and expressed worries about her mental health. When she Skypes him and he sees her texting someone, he gets jealous and demands to know who she's talking to. She's the third wheel since this guy already has a girlfriend (who lets him sleep with and date other people).

I spoke with one of our mutual friends who's texted her, and she's admitted that she screwed up. She just stubbornly refuses to admit she's wrong. I even let her know that I would take her back and forgive her if she just asked.

The wounds are still so fresh, but I suddenly feel like a completely different person. All of my old hobbies no longer interest me. Nothing does. So now I spend all day reading, cleaning, working out, and dreaming of a future where we reconcile and rebuild our shattered relationship.

Our history in a nutshell: Together 21 years, have small children. D-day was over a year ago now. Had marriage counselling for 6 months. He did want to initially leave and was certain of this, had IC beforehand before coming to this conclusion. I was the one who wanted to fight for our marriage, I did the 'pick me' dance.

He has not seen her in over a year but for the first 6 months of R he struggled to not have contact with her and would 'relapse' and reach out.

The last actual contact he had with her was november when he texted and explained he needed to be stronger at cutting contact. He did and he blocked her. She has her socials open, so looking her up online and seeing what she is up to is very easy to do. At the start of R, he was awful and not looking her up online, he would admit this in MC, that he was having trouble letting go. Our MC would call him out on that being inappropriate.

Anyway, about 6-7 months in, he had been making more of an effort. He confided in a close friend that he had to stop looking her up as it was driving him nuts. And he did, he didnt check for about 2 months but over xmas he caved and looked her up.

After that he again kept away for about 2 months and gave in on the day of our anniversary, it is so very hurtful that he thinks of her on the day of our anniversary.

Does anyone have similar stories to mine where R has still worked out? Is it encouraging that in some ways he is doing less and less? Because it was a lot worse at the start of our reconciliation?

Ok so if you didn't see the original post, here it is.

We talked. I gave him the opportunity to either lay it all out there on his own or I can pry, whichever. So I pried. He told me everything, we cried. I asked why, I tried to find reason within it all. He says he truly doesn't know, that he knows it doesn't make any sense, he can't explain why this one day he decided to do this (his phone records / dates check out that this was just one day when I was out of town for work). I asked if he thinks he's gay or at least bi. He said "no, it's weird. I'm not gay, I know I couldn't be with a man, emotionally or physically." I asked if he was getting off on the other side of the screen during these things and he said no. (Which personally I find even weirder but whatever 😂) He says he only sent one pic. I asked him to lay out the messages for me and he said it was basically "Hey - hey - how's it going - pics?" And he tried a few times, messaged a few people and then would log off after they or he asked for pics. But then the last one he did it, sent the pic. And claims he immediately thought "This is so stupid, what am I doing" and logged off. I asked why should I give him another chance? What would it do besides postpone the inevitable? He says it will not happen again. I know, I would be naive to believe that, to trust that. Right now I don't know where I'm at. I'm stuck in the middle of get a divorce & give him another chance because he's my best friend and the love of my life & I love him more than anything in the world. Am I crazy? It's weird I'm like fully aware that part of the reason I'm staying is because it's just easier that way (at least for now). That's so messed up? And I know that. It's like I need a clear cut "I'm gay or bi & I want to explore that, I can't be with you" from him. Otherwise there's too much gray area for me. Like three days ago our life was perfect. Truly. Idk rant over I need help 😂

I feel like I have been so gaslit that I can’t even tell if I am fault for making her seek love and validation out side of us .. AP asked her intrusive personal questions which I’m guessing can be seen as manipulative I guess

Never toxic, never cursed or argued , disappointment and hard conversation yes , life was happening to us but we were always in each others corner so I thought .. she is very high strung when it comes to stress , money and stability which was crumbling but I thought WE were good and on the same page . Constantly pouring into her about how she will get through to the other side , dealt with her mood swings when she was struggling.. Communicated so much , opened the floor for doubts , constantly checking in and asked to never leave me in the dark and still

I feel so stupid thinking I’m at fault , for some reason my mind is not letting go of this idea

I found out the other day that my boyfriend made a profile on a dating website. The next day after going through his phone, I found texts that he thought he deleted between him and his ex. They were having very flirty conversations, he was calling her beautiful, telling her he missed her, that he thinks of her, wishes she was here with him and that he would be happier with her. He was doing this while he was at work, or while I was at work, or sometimes while he was even right next to me. When I was asleep next to him in our bed. I am genuinely sick to my fucking stomach

I am completely fucking broken. Truly I have never felt this type of pain before. I thought we had a great relationship. I loved and admired him so much. I felt nothing but love, support and devotion from him too. I never had a single idea that he was this kind of person. It hurts so bad.

He gave me all the classic lines of “it didn’t mean anything” “I was just depressed and felt distant from you and I wanted attention” etc etc. I don’t know if that’s true, even if it is it doesn’t matter. He ruined me. He broke my trust for him forever. I have barely ate or slept for days. I feel like a zombie. The only thing I can think about is the conversations I saw between them, and what else they could have been talking about because they also called while I was at work and talked on a secret app that he deleted before I found out about this. I’m going crazy. I loved him so much. I still love him, or at least I love the man that he made me think he was.

The saddest part is that I don’t even want to leave him. All I want is his comfort right now even though he is the one who did this. I just want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me and that it’ll all be okay and I want to believe it. I want to just let him pretend to keep loving me because at least I’ll still have that. At least he’s still here with me. I know how pathetic I am and that I have 0 self respect or worth. I hate myself for it, but I’m probably going to stay because I can’t bring myself to be without him.

I will never understand how someone hurts and betrays someone who loves them like this.

It's been a couple of months since the divorce was finalized. It's been about 10 months since D-Day, 2 kids, 50/50, school, sports, groceries, clothes, haircuts, whatever. Some days and moments are fine, some are great, some are a tremendous struggle.

The guilt is paralyzing. I should be doing this, I should be doing that. I can find a new job, I can be a capable father, I go through the motions, and I am good at it. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I am not fine.

Lately, though, I struggle with a kind of paralysis. There is just so much to do. I have to sell my house, move, I have to refinance my car, I have to clean the house, exercise, eat better, journal, stop smoking, and I do these things alone.

I have a supportive family and friends, they check up on me regularly. I have made some friends, for all intents and purposes, I should be ok, they all tell me they are proud of how I'm doing, I'm handling it well, I'm accepting of the situation, I am learning how to move forward.

I don't feel ok when I'm alone, I feel stuck. I should have more done, this doesn't have to be so hard, I know HOW to make it easier. I make lists, I make plans, I make little bits of progress, then spend a few days avoiding everything I should be doing.....

I suppose what I am trying to say is that sometimes I don't trust that I'm ok, because when I'm alone, I'm not OK. It's just too much sometimes. I know I'll keep going, it just feels like TOO MUCH for me to handle alone, every damn day..... I feel guilty, some have it so much worse, it doesn't feel right that I feel this way, I'm luckier than many, it could have been a lot worse.

I am going to get up now and stop thinking, and start doing.

I broke up with my ex 5 weeks ago after 5.5 years after discovering he'd been cheating and, according to him "accidentally", got someone else pregnant. We don't live together and didn't share finances, don't have kids together. I tried to leave the relationship many times over the years due to my emotional needs not being met and him not putting real effort into resolving. In hindsight I know this was most likely due to the ongoing cheating, but back then I didn't know and chose to trust him when he said he needed time and energy to focus on developing his business. My question is, why didn't he ever let me go? Why did he always insist on staying together and promised to sort things out when I was on the point of leaving, when I clearly wasn't even fun to be around and didn't even want to be intimate? I don't get it. He didn't need me, not even for sex, he had others. Most of all, why did he want to stay with me after I found out about the child and the cheating (I broke up at that point)?

Here you can read my first post with my history: first post about affair. TL;DR: My husband (29M, 14 years in relationship) cheated on me and left for his AP.

Yesterday, I met up with my husband for the first time in two months. We had to talk about selling our shared property and the divorce. The conversation was pretty calm, and we even chatted a bit about how things have been. But after the meeting, I completely fell apart.

I knew exactly why we were meeting—we needed to sort out practical stuff. But deep down, there was still this tiny bit of hope that he’d show up and say he missed me over these past two months, maybe even that he regretted what he did. But he didn’t. Not a single word like that.

I thought I’d been doing okay these past few weeks, but seeing him just tore the wound open again. He looked good, had new clothes… It was another moment of realizing that this really is the end. He was my best friend for half of my life, and yesterday, we talked like total strangers. Today I woke up at 4 am, because I dreamt he stayed with me, I can't stop crying for 7 hours...

And to top it off, he told me that our mutual friends had asked him to be the godfather of their child—in the middle of all this. I trusted them—I even gave them the keys to my new apartment just in case—and in return, I got a slap in the face. I’m going to confront them, thank for the help, take my keys back, and end this friendship, I'm done with them. I don’t want people in my life who not only accept what he did but actually seem to support it. What do you think about this situation? Do I overthink it?

If you have any advice, please share.

There’s a boy in the office who is one of the OJTs (on-the-job trainees). He is probably more than ten years younger than I am, and he told me earlier that he finds me funny, smart, and pretty. There’s also a guy I’ve known since college. Both of them have confessed that they have a crush on me. I understand it’s just a simple crush and nothing serious, but I feel uneasy about it.

I’m starting to consider distancing myself from them because I feel anxious, as if I’m being made fun of. There’s a subconscious feeling that I can’t quite explain. Is this anxiety stemming from the betrayal I experienced from someone I loved deeply? Does it mean that I’ll feel the need to avoid people who appreciate me moving forward?

I felt mocked because I don’t see myself as interesting. That’s why I find it hard to believe them and feel like they are just making fun of me.

I feel guilty, as though I’m being unfair by intentionally ignoring them. Should I just brush it off?

Sitting on my back porch crying and I (M31) am thinking to myself…

“It’s not my fault.”

“There’s nothing I could do.”

“I did everything I could.”

“She never loved me.”

“She didn’t have to do that to me.”

Then I play this song by The Fray

https://youtu.be/cjVQ36NhbMk?si=vWWpyqeGuU74gc9l

I begin to cry. I want to feel embarrassed because I imagine I’m too old to cry. But it’s only been 60 days since D-Day. I tried to save it, but I couldn’t get the strength to even look at her let alone be alone with her.

By the time I even gained the strength to go visit her, my mom pulled me aside and BEGGED me not to go. My father cheated on her, and I knew she was right. So I followed her advice. I started therapy. I took time off work to heal. I have a plan to improve my life physically and mentally.

Now, why am I still crying? I can’t bring myself to hate her. I pray that she heals whatever demons in her life that caused her to behave that way, to lie, to steal, to manipulate me and others to get what she wanted.

I keep telling myself, “One day, years from now, I’ll run into her. And she will have done the work necessary to start again.”

But deep down, I know I’ll never be able to forgive her or trust her ever again. I won’t kill myself to keep her happy anymore.

Here’s to everyone who’s surviving this moment, improving themselves, moving forward, and not looking back.

They don’t deserve the love we gave. And maybe they never did in the first place. But it happened, and I’d like to believe I will be stronger because of it.

I have these thoughts as my cheating ex came back...and I feel like I'm spiralling down badly.

If another person in future will cheat again on me anyways why not stay with him and give it a go? Maybe love is like this and that's the reality of it. He already cheated so I might as well stay with him and give him another chance... Otherwise I will fall in love again (blindly) and naively believe some stranger can love me the way I love. It's nuts. And then I'll get cheated on again. And the cycle happens again. I can see cheaters everywhere around in real life and then it also happened in my relationship. Maybe it's all not so serious and I take life to seriously and prevent myself from being happy.

trigger warning, suicide attempt

I broke with my last narc ex 4.5 years ago and been dating a new guy. It was 5 months of reasonable good times, and the odd night where he would overdo the drink. But it was otherwise good. For the first time in 4.5 years I cared about someone again.

Well. He had a hard week. And then he had an even harder 24 hours. Overnight he became openly suicidal and tried to hang himself. I contacted my local crisis team who basically asked me to suicide watch until he was sober. They don't assess drunk people. I couldn't cope on my own with him, he was getting aggressive. So I went to message some of his friends to see if I could a tag team to support me. Well he was sending messages to "feeder/feedee" fetish accounts. Money. Videos. Pictures. Messages to tonnes of women about how he missed them and how sexy they were. I knew he liked a tummy, but I feel very insecure about my body now, knowing he's been likely fetishizing me this all this time. It went on for months. Money he's been wasting to pay for women to stuff their face and put on weight.

He doesn't know I know that yet, he rapidly deteriorated and he decided to bike off. Wasn't wearing a helmet. I called the cops because he kept telling me he didn't want to be alive and I was worried about where he'd go and what he'd do. Cops ran into him 2 minutes later. Spinal fractures. Face fractures. Concussion.

I'm not planning to stay with him. I'm done. I'm out. But how do you break up with someone who's just tried to kill themselves? How to break up with someone who's severely injured and doesn't have much social support coz his family are all overseas? I haven't been to see him coz I just don't even know where I would start or what to say.

"all the best with your recovery, but get fucked"?

Edit: we also live together. He moved into a spare room when I couldn't find a flatmate as he was living in a mouldy house, it had been find and we both communicated our concerns openly re: doing this early. So he has a suicide attempt, a severe crash, a break up and not having a home to deal with.

I’m at my breaking point, I NEED to know if what I’m experiencing is normal after being cheated on.

Last yeah I found out that my husband had cyber cheated on me with a woman he ironically found on Reddit. He had messaged her on multiple sites trying, one of which was sent two months after having just gotten married, he was wanting to get her attention and stand out enough to be sent a nude. I know what this woman looks like and she looks NOTHING like me. I’m on the curvy side with thicc thighs and small boobs. This woman is big boobed and looks like a stick.

Since finding out, being trickle truthed, the emotional/physical trauma i went through, if i am taking care of myself or trying to be intimate with my husband, I CANNOT finish unless im thinking about him and her. 😩 Is this normal and considered like a trauma bond??

I have tried literally everything to get this out of my head but nothing works. It’s torture having to think of him and what he wanted to do with this girl just so I finish. If anyone has any advice (yes I talk with a therapist), I would greatly appreciate it!

I had a therapy appointment yesterday. She’s really good, but sometimes she just drops these bombs on me (in a good way) that I’ll think about for weeks or months. A lot of you here know my experiences, I can fill in details in the comments, so I won’t rehash everything. Basically- my spouse wanted a separation, has a history of infidelity and emotional and some physical violence against me…that because I’m male and if a certain background, I always pushed under the rug, or said/felt well I deserve this because “what I’ve done XYZ.” I was expressing my confusion and how I’ve been doing all these things, how my spouse continues to treat me like a dog…when my therapist said this. “The ship you are so frantically trying to bail water out of…your marriage and relationship…..it’s sitting at the bottom of the ocean. It’s not sinking- it sunk, and sunk a long time ago. There’s nothing you can do to save it- it’s gone. You can’t raise it back up if she’s (my spouse) not doing the same. You need to let go of the ship and get your head above water. You’ve been drowning long enough- you need to let go and build something new in a way that you can actually stay afloat. Because right now, you’re drowning and she’s sailing into her own paradise without you.” Idk I thought that was just super well put, does anyone else relate to this sentiment? It just hit me like a ton of bricks, in a good way

My wife doesn't know that I uncovered her affair.

How did you confront your spouse? Did you wish you'd done it differently?

Context: married over 20 years with 3 older teen kids. Zero abuse of any kind. Thought we had a great life.

Everybody knows that cheaters have a statistical chance of cheating again. It is like drug addicts using again. Makes perfect sense. Serial cheaters is a thing, and nobody disputes it.

However, what I suspect, and have never heard this acknowledged anywhere, is that people who got cheated on once tend to get cheated on again, and sometimes again... I feel like "serial cheated on" is also a thing, based on my life experience and people that I know.

Does anybody agrees with this? Is there any data backing this up?

My husband and I have been married for over 15 years and we have three young children. We were high school sweethearts, and had only ever been intimate with each other. I recently found out that he had been having an affair with one of my close friends for six months. I found out because I went through his phone because I could feel that something was off. I am completely blindsided by this and devastated beyond belief! I’m so freaking mad at him, but I hate her with a fucking passion because I was confiding in her that I thought things were off between us and she just kept looking me in the face and telling me everything was going to be OK even though she knew she was behind it all. Our families had been hanging out together almost every week, and our children were close friends and now I have to try to explain to my children. Why we no longer can see those friends. As of now, we are trying to work it out, but I am still struggling after almost a year and hoping that I will again be able to trust and feel worthy. Leading up to this infidelity he has always been an amazing husband, and I never would have thought he could do this. I truly love him and want to make this work . If you’ve been through this or have any advice, please share.

My ex showed zero regret or remorse after she cheated on me. Whats more is she didn't seem to think she had done anything wrong, in her mind she was justified in cheating even though there was nothing wrong with the relationship. Is this common? To her if it felt "good" and "right" in the moment then that makes it okay.

I realize that cheaters probably aren't the kind of people to take responsibility but not a single shred of remorse or realization that you have done something horribly immoral at all? Has she probably just convinced herself that cheating was an okay thing to do? It's as if she genuinely believes she has done nothing wrong. She almost seemed confused that I was upset that she cheated on me. It feels borderline sociopathic. I'm interested to know what you guys think.

October 8th I (31f) see the text to his (36m) coworker (22f). Wanna know why? The asshole screenshotted it by accident. I went through his phone because he was acting extremely distant to me for a few months. I knew something was up. He was great at hiding everything. Had he not accidentally taken that photo, I never would have known. Engaged 2 years, together for 6, living together for 5.

By the 22nd he leaves the home never to come back. Tells me it has nothing to do with the young bimbo receptionist. He’s the boss. Gross on all levels. Tells me he needs space, still wants a future with me, he’s broken right now, all the fucking things cheaters say.

Official DDay was December 13th. Friday the 13th, of course. We were already separated at this point, but I was shown proof it was because he left me for another woman. A child. Someone he shouldn’t even be dating and could tarnish his reputation and lose his job over. The fact that she’s worth it to him made me sick. Worth losing me and his career. But not anymore.

I’m finally starting to feel good. This is the same man who left me in summer 2023 when I was fresh out of a knee surgery and couldn’t even walk or care for myself. COMPLETE blindside. Just before my surgery we spoke about finally planning the wedding once I was healed. We were so excited. We were happy and in love. I was nervous for the surgery but felt so confident in my relationship. We had a loving bond. He woke up one day and just didn’t want to deal with me anymore. I couldn’t believe it. Everyone was shocked.

A month later he came crawling back and I took him back like an idiot. He was BEGGING. Crying on his knees, literally. Saying everything I wanted to hear. That was my biggest regret in this whole thing. I gave this person the opportunity to hurt me even worse than the first time. He did such awful things to me that summer, I don’t even have the energy to talk about them anymore. But it was HORRENDOUS. The lies. The manipulation. The gaslighting. I was in such denial over it I took him back immediately because I just wanted my life back. I was vulnerable and still on crutches living alone. I needed help. I missed him. I believed he was remorseful. I was so happy at first.

After the high of getting him back wore off, reality set in. I realized I was living with a stranger. I didn’t know who I was kissing. Who I was looking at. Who I was giving my love to. I thought with time things would get better. It didn’t. My resentment grew more every single day. How could this person have done this to me? I loved him and trusted him with my life! How could he see me in bed writing in pain and decide to walk out the door? The one time I needed him? The one fucking time I had to lean on him for support?

Of course he left me for the young new toy; I was the bitter old fiance who needed him to step up and be a better person. I had expectations. I forgave him; I wanted penance. He just wanted me to forget he ever left me in my time of greatest need. The things he said and did while he was breaking my heart. The blatant lies he told people so he looked justified to leave his bedridden partner. Sweep it under the rug and never speak of it again. I wanted my trust and love earned back after he shattered it. He broke our relationship and it wasn’t fun anymore. He left me for the person who isn’t aware he’s a monster and puts on a facade. A young girl easy to control and manipulate and can’t see the reg flags from a mile away. Who has no idea what he did to his future wife in a blindside no less. As soon as life gets real, he is OUT. I was injured and he hated me for it. I hope she enjoys him while life is fun and easy. I will never believe in reconciliation again.

I have to stop here. I’m done giving any energy into what this horrible person did to me. I loved him with all I had. I would have died for him. I would have forgiven him for anything and loved him unconditionally if he even just tried. But it was too much I guess.

He’s the one who lost here. Mistaking fun and ease for love. What did I lose? An emotionally immature cheater who honestly is somewhat insane. The lies he told to others to paint himself as the victim… the more I uncovered the worse it got. I almost feel bad for AP. She has no idea. But she’ll deserve it for sleeping with an engaged man. I take solace in her thinking she won when I know the prize.

I’m free of him. I don’t love him anymore. I’m ready for a new life. Today I’m smiling. I have the freedom to make my life whatever I want it to be now. So do the rest of us.

Please, if you’re reading this… the person who hurt you is NOT a good person. They aren’t going to change. They don’t care they hurt you. You are not important to them. If you’re on this sub, you’ve been horribly betrayed by someone you loved. It’s scary as fuck to start over. I get it. But we’re going to be so much better off without them. This world has billions of people in it.. please don’t waste your life with a bad one. Your wandering spouse is just a fucking person at the end of the day. YOU made them special. Your love for them is what set them apart from the rest. Let the AP keep them. Love yourself. Be fucking mad. Live your best fucking life without this person who doesn’t give a fuck about your wellbeing. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Hello, first of all, it's very hard to express myself in English cause it's not my first language but I'll try, so please excuse mistakes.

I hope I'm on a right sub. We were together for 5 years in peaceful and enjoying relationship. After a while, he started talking that we actually don't have a future but that he will stay. I couldn't stand that so I broke up. Immediately he invited his coworker in his bed. I found out that after 1,5 month when he texted me and told me that he thinks about me and want us back together, at least as a friends. He told me that it was just sex with her, and that he didn't even like it. But after more talking, I found out that he was actually hugging with her while talking, and that she was on his shoulder after sex. That hurts me more than everything. So obviously that wasn't "just sex", right? How could he hug her? And why?

I understand that he wasn't cheating actually, we were separated, but if it was "just sex", how that include hugging? That hurts me more than having sex. I also understand that men can have sex without emotions, but can they hug? He told me "It's normal after sex but I felt nothing, it wasn't even good sex", but how could he? I keep asking myself how could he do that?

What do you think about that? Should I at list stay friends? Could you be friends after that? I could forgive "just sex" but I can't forgive a hug. Am I wrong? I don't know what to think anymore.

I’m a 34m. About 2 months ago, I learned my partner was cheating on me for the past year. For logistical purposes (financially and childcare), we are living together for another 2 months until I can move out of state. I’m trying to keep my head down and just get through this tough time.

He’s remorseful but feels that I’m the one throwing away our marriage. He blames me for breaking up our family. Sometimes he takes ownership for his actions but he minimizes and shifts blame a lot. He can be emotional erratic at times.

It’s wearing on me but I know it’s temporary.

AP was a VERY close friend, I spoke to her for an hr a day for the past 3 years until WS(look at me using lingo correctly) and her started an affair 3 months ago that I didn't know of. Today my ex told me how excessively attached, confrontational and violent she is and that he doesn't want to see her anymore but is worried she'll get violent. Like I didn't already know she was a volatile person to be around whenever upset.

(This could all be lies, bc... well he cheated but honestly she's volatile and they weren't compatible from the get go long term wise so it's also believable to me. He's avoidant and she's AGGRESSIVELY confrontational)

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes <3

I hope they both have fun with that.

(Also found out ap's and I's mutuals basically all harassed her in support of me w.o me asking and that made her flip out. Love that. It's crazy the support you can have from actual friends when you aren't a homewrecker)

I did blocked him and his “wife” he married after a year. I don’t feel like writing how it happened again, but basically, he lured me to meet him and then just said he wanted to leave without telling me the truth. You know…always denying, lied to my face and daughter. Said he didn’t want to go abroad to see my other daughter and visit her as a family. Worse day of my life. He already had affairs twice before, but stayed. 35 years together. He would write to my daughter who lives with me these emails as if everything was perfect for him and that he loved her, she showed them to me and deleted them. She is extremely angry. His family never said a word, only one sent me a merry Christmas plain. Card, as if nothing happened. Anyways, a part of me can’t resist to write his and her name on FB (they both blocked me on my real account though). They both have, on their profile, pics of them together. Always smiling. And I checked the likes and his sister and my ex sister in law all like their posts. His new wife has 600 friends on Facebook. I also found some pics of them on some group on Facebook and they were together, in a coffee shop, literally together. As if nothing could separate them. I don’t know how not to think about this. How do I get this out of my mind. Again, I did rebook them, but … Why are they so happy everywhere and why does his family also like their pics ?? Is this even fair ?? Why doesn’t anyone care, I just….

6 months ago I (34F) discovered my husbands EA. This affair was with a direct report at his new job who was 10 years younger than him. He messaged her constantly and took her out on dinner dates while telling me he was out with work and turning his phone off. He swears that nothing physical happened between them, and reconciliation started ok but essentially is now called off. My husband use to adore me and now literally despises me and we are on track for divorce. Whilst I don’t think she is on the scene anymore I am absolutely haunted by this girl I have never met. Her insta pictures (I blocked her after I discovered her 6 months ago) are burnt into my brain and I see them constantly. I get enraged when I see someone with similar hair or looks on tv or when I’m out. I don’t think she’s on a different level to me in terms of “looks” but I am so consumed by why he did this, why he chose her over me, what she had that I am missing and feel discarded and worthless. I know this isn’t healthy but I don’t know how to move past this. Has anyone experienced this and how did you move on?

It’s been a little over 2 months post d-day. We were married and together 12 years. We are not reconciling - he left and is continuing his relationship with the AP. What perspectives or advice helped you get past their lack of remorse and the continued relationship?

I get that he’s shitty and that’s why I can’t understand his actions. I know I’m a better person than both of them. But I can’t help thinking about them and I compare myself to her constantly. I try to reroute those thoughts but it’s so exhausting. I just want it to stop.

I hope that everyone is doing well this week. But please let us know how you are doing! Any trials, tribulations, or success stories are welcome; whether you just found out, are a couple months out from D-day, reconciling, or in separation, this is the thread to post your thoughts. As usual, please follow all the rules of the sub when posting; we want this to be a place of shared sorrows, shared successes, and support. I wish you happiness and peace in the week to come.

Got caught , did the crying and remorse thing , separated , only blocked AP after finding out he was also not being honest with her , he apparently cleared it up and now they’re back in touch .. Fuck that , I did the right things moving forward . These people aren’t sorry

Apologies that it’s a bit long. A lot of this is just a rant really so you can just go to the tl;dr below.

My ex (25F) and I (23M) were together for 2.5 years. We recently moved into a new city since I was doing an MSc and she got a surprise opportunity for a PhD. I helped her quite a bit in moving from housing her temporarily to doing a viewing for her. She got a place and then moved in. Her transportation to the new house was a bit difficult and she did ask for help but I felt I did as much as I could and should probably prioritize my studies. I also thought she could manage since it was mostly a train ride. She eventually did and reached her new place safely.

Whilst over there, she told her flatmates she was living at a friends house before this and even after a video call was cut short, she said she was on a call with a friend. Over the course of a month, she couldn’t meet me because she was quite busy (which is true, it was the beginning of a PhD). There was a time when I had a mental health spiral and asked her if I could stay with her for the day which she rejected touting a lot of reasons (all of which were true). This hurt in particular because she was she had a lot of mental and physical health issues before this which I helped her in a lot.

I was attending a seminar at her university and told her I could visit. She said yes and asked me if I could bring her the poster I brought for her. I brought that and a gift my mother gave her over the summer. She seemingly only wanted the poster at the time.

Finally, I asked her if we could hang out over the weekend before a week-long workshop she had. She wanted to break-up over this call and finally I asked her if I there was someone else. She admitted that her flatmate invited her over to watch a movie and kissed her to which she reciprocated. He asked if she wanted to do more and she said no and went out back to her room. This was right before I visited her uni for the seminar.

I felt hurt and betrayed and we agreed to break-up. She calls me crying 2 days later wondering what happened to lead to this point. I was just hurt and told her we’d be friends at some point but right now, there’s a lot of hurt. One week and a lot of overthinking later, I called her over to give me some of my stuff. We had a talk and I asked her if she’d like a second chance and my conditions if she’d like that. She said no since she’s wanted to break-up for a while. So I made things as easy as possible and we reminisced on our time together, said some kind words to one another and left it at that and decided to go no contact.

When a month passed, I contacted her asking her things about the poster and whether she hoped something would happen between her flatmate and her. She said no to everything and I mentioned that it felt like I was used. She took this personally and called me. Idk why I indulged this but we talked for 2 hours. It was not a pleasant conversation but what hurt me most was when I mentioned that I was overtly kind given what she did, she said “It was not a big thing. It was only a kiss.” Here I was afraid that she’d feel consumed by her guilt and I made it a point to not tell her flatmates or anyone in her personal life but she only wanted to “forget all of this”. She decided she didn’t want me in her life at all.

Post that point, we haven’t had any contact but when the time came for some intense exams, I could barely focus on them. Instead, I only kept thinking about this stuff. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to perform how well I wanted (getting high grades was really important since a PhD would require that) so I postponed my exams (which hopefully would work out). During that time, I wanted to get some kind of revenge and visit her place and tell her flatmates about what she did so she’d have to live with the guilt. Ik this was a bad idea and told my friends that I have these intrusive thoughts. They urged me to leave this behind. Even my aunt (who went through something similar) told me that it might be considered harassment and I shouldn’t associate with her anymore. Once I postponed the exams, I had those intrusive thoughts less so I imagine the stress of the exams led to me concentrating on her.

So, now I’ll have exams in 5 months and my postponed exams 8 months from now. Right now, I’m afraid to date because I don’t want to get more attached and I don’t want to risk screwing myself up more emotionally or hurting another person having not recovered from the breakup. I also want to focus on my studies and finish them first.

Besides time, what can I do to get over this, forget about it and live my life? I’ve been suggested meditation, spirituality, playing/listening to music, enjoying my life rather than just focussing on my academics. I am also talking about this with my counsellor nearly every week but it appears like I’m sometimes just reliving it instead of moving on with my life. Is there anything else you’d recommend?

I don’t want to seek revenge or anything. I know it won’t satiate anything, will make things worse and I will only want more for whatever “personal closure” I can have. I simply want to be able to relax during my exams and perform well.

TL;DR : Some guy kissed my ex and she reciprocated. I was kind during the breakup but she called once in response to a text later and was very unkind to me. This affected me during the stress of important exams and now I keep harboring ill will feelings to her and want her to feel the shame and suffer for what she did. I don’t like how I am and the things I’m feeling. How to get over this?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1i4kkgt/should_i_get_a_paternity_test/

Update.

Without a doubt, this was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make and very scary, but I decided to get a paternity test.

My thinking behind this decision:

• I knew that if I didn't, it would play on my mind forever. It was already inducing bad sleep a lot.
• I committed to continue to be their dad even if the results came back negative
• I felt the chances were that I would get a positive result
• If the results came back negative, I felt I could handle it

  • "The truth will make you miserable, then set you free"

Result

Both my children are confirmed as being biologically mine.

Afterthoughts

If the results had come back negative, it would really have rocked my world and it would have been incredibly challenging for me to work through. As much as I like to think it wouldn't have changed my relationship with my children, there is a chance it would have done. But it wouldn't have stopped me from loving them - it might have made me want to love them even more.

Also, f*** my ex for putting me through this.

The results of this test also represent closure for me. 17 months from D-day, and my life is in good shape - I've been able to put the past behind me.

See this positive post, which I still stand by:

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1gfh0bk/the_cloud_silver_linings_have_disappeared/