I apologize in advance if this is not the place to do this, I’m just hoping for advice. My absolute best friend has been participating in an emotional affair with a married man for at least a few months now. I’m afraid that it’s been physical, and she just hasn’t said. She told me about it after his wife found out and confronted them, and we agreed that it was completely fucked up and she should stop contact with him. A few weeks passed and he’s told her that he’s leaving his wife for her, so in her mind now they’re free to run off into the sunset together. She has told a few of our friends about him, but made it seem as if he was already separated when they began flirting — which isn’t true. I stalked him + his wife’s social media a little, and just last year they went on an anniversary trip to celebrate 15 years of marriage. They have an 8 year old together. Both pages still indicate that they’re married. He just met my friend this year. I got married this summer and I pride myself on being a girl’s girl, so I feel TERRIBLE for his wife. I’m having a hard time not judging my friend because I can’t stop putting myself in his wife’s shoes. She must feel so disrespected and discarded, and I feel like my friend doesn’t care about that because she feels like she can’t help that they developed feelings for each other.

I can’t support her on this, but I don’t know what to say because this is the first time in our almost decade long friendship that I’ve felt like I absolutely cannot support her on something. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can say? I know there are ramifications that she might not even be considering.

Backstory: my (37 F) husband (37 M) started an affair with my now former best friend/coworker a few months ago. I was informed by my bosses at work and since then she's been fired (adultery is a huge 10 Commandments no-no where I work) and he has since moved out of our house that we shared with our son and into a new house with her instead of trying to mend anything he's destroyed and without showing any remorse whatsoever (that goes for both of them). No divorce papers have been filed yet because he emptied one of our joint accts and left us with almost nothing. Luckily my parents are helping and whatnot but the hurt, anger, confusion, sadness and everything that goes along with being cheated on and betrayed has been so hard to deal with. Now we've got this BS happening..

So now as of a few days ago: My husband of 18 years tried to file for an order of protection against me but had no evidence of violence (because there was none of course). I've never been violent, have no history of violence domestic or otherwise, and hes alleged that I've been "harassing and stalking him and his girlfriend". All of the allegations are false and/or twisted to make him/them sound like the victim. He included pages upon pages of me texting him angry and hurt, expressing exactly how he made me feel and the damage he's done to our family but there's no threats or anything like that. Now there's an "order setting hearing on petition for order of protection" so the judge can hear my side of things in a couple of weeks. But now his "girlfriend" is trying to show up at events at my work/church that she knows friends of mine will be at and she acts all smug and like nothing is wrong. I feel like she's behind the court thing and like she's playing mind games or something. He's alleging I'm "withholding" our son (they hang out all the time) and is trying to get temporary week on/ week off visits so our son can stay at their house which they both know I have a huge problem with. Does anyone have any advice or experience with hearings like those? Do I need to get a lawyer or should I just go tell my honest side of things and how they're lying and hope the judge sees the truth? Sorry this is so long, any advice is greatly appreciated 🖤

I (27F) feel like ever since my partner (28M) cheated that my entire life is FAKE.

We’ve been together for 12 years. Teen parents. Life was hard and he struggled with addiction, for a couple years. I went through some really tough times and we ended up splitting for a few months in 2021 as drugs were com ing before finances and being a good dad and partner. During the split I slept with one person, trying to move on as I thought he’d never come back. He was really deep in his meth habit and no matter what I said I couldn’t make him stop, he had basically chosen drugs over me and the kids. He ended up coming back a few months later telling me wanting to quit and that he needed my help and he could t lose me, so I had to tell him I slept with someone else. But I also told him I had no feelings for this person and I wanted nothing to do with them. It crushed him and I know it broke his heart. He said even though I didn’t technically cheat it still felt like I had and I have never invalidated his feelings because I understood he somewhat felt betrayed.

Anyway things took a turn for the better I thought… he got clean, starting working out and I am more attracted to him now more than I ever have been. We were in a really good financial space so I could go to law school and pursue my dream as a lawyer. He was consistently working as finally I was really content with our life… things were really looking up. Then I discovered half way through 2024 that something felt off. He was distant, always on his phone and starting to pick fights with me over the stupidest things. He made comments about us needing to take a break. I would get so teary and ask why? Then he’s just say he was joking and would give me cuddles and kiss. So I didn’t think much of it. I thought I was just overwhelmed as I had exams coming up.

One night we had another stupid fight. And I ended up telling him to go, he was happy to leave and I didn’t understand so I felt the urge to login to his Snapchat account and what do you know. Another woman was his “BFF” on snap and they had an 8 week streak. He had met this women at a bar in Auckland and told her he was single, he went back to her hotel room and they slept together. This particular night I was really worried about his as his phone was off from about 8pm. I was scared he was really drunk on a street somewhere… little did I know he was cheating. This woman was from Australia so was only in nz for work… they continued to talk everyday. He greeted her most mornings with a “good morning beautiful” something he used to say to me ever day.

I ended up taking down her snap chat name and messaging her, she called me and explained she didn’t know he had a partner and told me some details, she said she’s been at the other end and was so shocked because of how genuine he seemed. I could tell her was a bit hurt also.

He ended up saying he didn’t want to be with me. And left….. I was distraught and I still am. He ended up coming back a few weeks later saying he knows he made a terrible choice and that he wanted to make it work. At the time I was so happy. I thought I’d get my relationship back. Boy I was wrong.

Now he’s here everyday but I feel like a stone is in my heart. It sits there everyday, more due to the fact that he left me at the worst time of my life and now I meant to act like everything is ok.

Idk where I’m going with this. What the hell do I do. I want him so bad but at the same time I know I deserve better, ahhhh please do not cheat. Leave, communicate with your partner if you are unhappy, I’ve never felt so weak in my life.

I didn’t know my ex was having an emotional affair behind my back (most likely physical too) and ended up confessing and apologizing 3 months after our breakup. She confessed right before we were supposed to meet up to reconcile. Apparently the AP was threatning to contact me and tell me everything so she wanted to do it first. She made a bunch of excuses as to why she cheated on me like her friends influencing her and the AP manipulating her.

I told her I couldn’t trust her anymore and I wasn’t going to contact her again.

1 month after D-day she has contacted me asking if we could talk to help give herself closure and that she misses me.

Should I hear her out? I don’t want to get back with her but I am a little curious as to what she’s going to say. I’m not sure it’s worth opening old wounds again. What do you guys think? If your ex asked to apologize would you hear them out?

Update: I blocked her and said nothing. It’s not worth it. Thank you for those who commented.

My wife cheated on me for several years. We are now separated. Over the last 5+ years I’ve noticed that she’s been on antidepressant medication and I’ve wondered if the reason she started taking the antidepressants was to numb the guilt of what she was doing to our family? When we were dating and for the ten years after we got married she never took these drugs. It seems too coincidental that she’d start taking these meds around the same time she started cheating. Anyone have the same experience?

I don’t have concrete evidence, but there’s been a history 2 years ago of him sexting and emotional cheating in the past online and everything happening lately is pointing to the situation repeating itself. He plays a virtual world social game every single day and his relationship status is set to “other”, it’s the only platform that he knows I don’t use because he has told me the mobile version is garbage and he plays on a computer, and I just have my phone. He’s very protective of his phone and computer and I just have a very intense gut feeling that something is going on.

We own a small business together but are not married. We share a mortgage on a home. I want to reconcile but I don’t know if he would be willing to put in the work or if he would even want to. My trust issues have been a problem to him in the past and he thinks I just need to have blind, unwavering trust in him. I believe he is likely telling people that we are in an open relationship or that I am okay with it, he said this to the person he cheated with before. There’s so many things I want to say to him, I want to blow up on him. But I know this needs to be done calmly and tactfully. How do I navigate this?

My Significant other of 6 years lost himself completely this year. He started to become a man I couldn't recognize. He was hit with major depression & he began drinking, smoking and getting high every single day (he was never a smoker or drinker), going out at late times, not coming home until 40-50 mins after he's off work, etc... He started to fail all his classes, had no ambition to find another job, overly playful with our home weapon, wanting to engage in illegal activities, gave me no intimacy or shown any kind of appreciation. I knew something was off when the year started. He confessed in June to cheating on me twice this year. Once at the beginning of the year with a co worker who gave him a handjob and kissed twice and another with a girl he met on Insta in May and had sex with her + kissed her twice. It was so heartbreaking but after some time apart we decided to remain together.
My big question is what does True Morse look like to you?
When he told me, he never once blamed me and took full accountability of all his actions. He was able to acknowledge that he turned into someone else and blocked them on all social media and gave me complete access to his phone. He now goes to church, has serious conversations with me, dropped all substances, registered again for school, got a new job, in therapy, plans date nights for us, and surprises me with gifts of appreciation. I never seen him like this before. It's him again but even better than before. Is this true remorse? Everything was so out of character for him - NOT AN EXCUSE but an understanding.

My husbands mistress messaged me the other day admitting to their 1.5 year emotional and physical affair. After confronting him and him admitting we decided to try and work on our relationship. I messaged her on his Facebook and let her know and to not message either of us again. I know they will see each other at work and I know they have an emotional bond where our emotional and physical bond is pretty terrible at the moment. Will he miss and desire to be with her? And how do I know if he's agreeing to work on our relationship because he wants to and not just to not look like the bad guy?

Found out this weekend

My wife (38)of 11 years and together for a total of 15 years also mother of my 2 children, started acting differently suddenly this summer. She lost a fair amount of weight. She is beautiful, even before the weight loss. The most beautiful woman I've ever met. She was going out with friends more, almost every weekend and even several times a week. She was going to bars with them, concerts, parties. I stayed home and did the dad thing. Her friends were either married or engaged, and I wasn't worried about her. We were good. She said that after 10 years of being a stay at home home, she needed to find herself again. Cool. I get it. Things continued on the trend all summer. She even started up new hobbies like surfing, drumming, and yoga. Great. Hobbies are important. ...but that is a lot all at once. I was the only one bringing in money and it was being spent very often on these things. She even got matching tattoos, twice, with one of her friends.

Cool. But let's start saving some money now. I'm getting concerned about bills.

One day she decided to go to the movies alone and then hang out with her long time friend, get dinner, and go out on the town. She didn't answer her phone all day. I was worried. I contacted her friends, because at this point it was almost 3am. One worked in the ER and said it was clear there.

She finally contacted me and said she was getting fast food with her friend and would be home soon. She got home at about 330am. Gave me a kiss and fell asleep on the couch .

I wasn't happy. But I get it. Have a good time.

In the following weeks I was concerned that something changed. She was acting very different. Then I found an std take home test instruction pamphlet inside a shopping bag. I was furious. I showed her. She assured me it was to check if her HPV from her youth was back.

I accepted this. But never really felt it was the truth.

Over those few months in my gut I knew something was wrong. She told me I was projecting and needed to stop. Last week, Thursday ,I asked her to look me in the eyes and promise she never did anything or planned on it. She looked me in the eyes and promised. I was so happy. The next day at work I was a new person.

Then. Saturday morning. I was scrolling through our walmart app. And I saw a purchase from the summer for plan b. I sent her a photo. And she confessed.

She drove to her ex's house (40 minutes away) to catch up. They were drinking and they started to have sex. Supposedly, she stopped it before it happened too long because she knew she screwed up. She swears up and down that it only happend that once. And she wishes she could go back in time.

I was being gaslit for months. Thinking I was the issue. Directly lied to. She knew this was my worst fear, so she didn't want to ruin everything. She would have never told me if I didn't find the plan b order.

She told me she loves me, but she wasn't in love with me for a while and we felt like roommates. We didn't go on dates often because the extra money was spent on fake lashes, tattoos, and facial treatments.

She wants to work on it, I assume because she knows she will lose everything. But i like to hope it is because she actually wants to love me. And I want to try to fix the relationship, but I know I can never trust her.

I have given her everything I could to make her happy. I don't know what to do. If there were no kids, I would throw her out.

Hello,

Can anyone recommend books, preferably Auible books, about:

Cyber Affairs Porn Addiction Understanding infidelity Psychopathic lying

Or any books that helped either you or your partner.

Let me know if you felt it had a major bias on either divorce or reconciliation.

Thanks!

Hi everyone,

It's been hard for me lately. I think it's because of the holidays. I shared my story here earlier this year but long story short, my boyfriend of 2+ years cheated on me with a coworker. There were lots of red flags while we were together, but the nail in the coffin was when I found out he booked an all-inclusive vacation to Jamaica with her literally the same week we broke up. The kind of vacation you don't book unless there is a romantic history with that person.

I'm having thoughts of feeling so stupid that I didn't see the red flags for what they were. Looking back, I think "Of course he was cheating! It was so obvious!" But when you're in it, it's so different. The lying and gaslighting he did really messed me up.

But I still feel foolish for not seeing the signs for what they were, and for not trusting my gut. Just looking for some support on how to navigate this.

Yup, I knew the stats. Fell victim to one of the classics. Still wanted to believe in the best. Not really surprised just a bit disappointed, don’t give that much of a fuck anymore. Breaking off contact for good this time. Fuck cheaters. Be sure the partner actually did the work if you’re thinking of giving a second chance. But in most cases cheaters never change.

We all deserve someone better, we will all find someone better. They couldn’t possibly be good if they cheated on you. Trust.

This is my first time posting on Reddit after years of lurking different topics because well... I don't know what to do.

My partner (26M) and I (30F) have been together for four years. We were open for the first 6 months of our relationship, but about a month after we decided to be closed, I caught him attempting to cheat on me while drunk. He invited a girl over, she said no. We talked about it, I chalked it up to him being young at the time and me being his first relationship. This was in October. In April of the next year, I caught him in a lie about a girl he was snapchatting with, who he denied anything ever happening with. Both of these followed the same formula -- he was drunk, a girl approached him, he didn't say no, but the cheating didn't end up happening. This second time, I fully broke up with him (mostly because he tried to lie about and wasn't forthcoming about it). We were broken up for four months, and then decided to get back together. He was open to couples therapy, but everything just seemed okay, so we didn't end up doing it.

Over the last two years since, everything has been near perfect between us. I had a debilitating illness which he was my caregiver for and which forced us to do IVF together, we navigated a parental death... We came out of it all stronger. We live together, we work together, we have the IVF embryos together, we know each other's families well, he was planning on proposing next year and I fully saw myself marrying him. Our lives are incredibly intertwined.

Fast forward to this past September (two months ago). We were doing long distance. I just found out that while drunk at a bar by himself while away for work one night, a woman approached him with her number. He took it, and later texted her to invite her to his hotel room. She said no but maybe tomorrow, and in the morning he never texted her again.

When I confronted him on it, he told me the truth (I also texted the other woman and confirmed the truth) and told me this pattern comes down to being drunk and alone and wanting sex. Once he wakes up in the morning, he realizes his mistake, and doesn't act on it further. He also says that women have approached him at other times, and he's had no problem telling them he has a gf, and that he slipped up this time. He's going to quit drinking, is starting therapy, we're going to do couple's therapy... am I a fool if I stay?? He is so wonderful 95% of the time. We have such an incredible relationship, 95% of the time. He's my best friend, my favorite person, and he also clearly has demons from his childhood and upbringing. I know he is in love with me, I know he wants to be better. Help me reddit, do I stay?

My(23F) boyfriend(25M) of 2 years (living together long enough to be common law) cheated on me emotionally and I want to try to mend things but idk if I am being dumb

TLDR: boyfriend of 2 years that I was about to be engaged to cheated over messages in 6 instances, but he is extremely apologetic and seeking therapy.

This past week was my birthday and we had people over on the weekend to celebrate. The Sunday after, with everyone still here, I received screenshots of my partner talking with another woman indicating he was single and open to exploring between them. The messages were over a 2 day period and he ended up blocking her. I did not know how to deal with it, so I definitely made it messy and involved the 4 people that were present.

He tried to get everyone to leave to talk to me after I started discovering everything. I went to the 2 females friends that were present and broke down. He left the apartment with the 2 male friends and contacted his estranged mother (he had an abusive childhood) to come get him because he assumed I would be done. I know the reasonable thing would be to be done.

He didn't leave, though, he came back to the apartment and was confronted. Everyone was present and I started looking through his phone. I kept asking if there was more and told him I would find it and he denied it. I questioned why he had done this and he spewed some bullshit about us having issues, enough us arguing all the time. None of it was true and I told him so. He did admit he was making excuses and broke down because of it. On his phone, I found that he had been looking at dating subreddits, and in one instance 4 months ago, he has responded to a post stating "I am 25 and looking for my soulmate". He claimed to not remember posting it and I found no evidence of anything further from that time period.

I kept searching his phone and ended up finding a muted chat on discord. He has been messaging another girl (which he has initially claimed wasn't a fact) and he has been asking to game with her. He told me that in his head she was "just someone who enjoyed similar games" and yet he was texting her about being drunk, about me and how hot I was, etc. The women responded with a voice memo being sexual. I felt like I was being used as an object in this chat.

I then went on to discover he had found her on a "find other gamers" app where he had messaged 4 other girls and he had only pursued this one because she was the only one that responded. He had been inviting them to play Stardew Valley with him, which isn't even a game he enjoys.

He has since been very apologetic, tearful, angry at himself. He has started showing more honesty. He finally opened up about his spending (he is several thousands in debt, which he had pretended wasn't a fact before), he has opened up about his childhood, he has answered all the questions I have had despite them being difficult. I know he is a broken, struggling man, but I still don't understand why he did any of these things. I don't understand why I wasn't enough.

I asked him why he had been trying to hide still, and he says it was because he felt shame. He insists he would have told me the truth once we were alone, but it is very difficult to take a liar's word.

I don't know what to do. I am lost. I am confused, hurt, angry. I don't know if I should stay and see if he can become a better man; become the man I thought he was all along.

Also note; we did have some minor "arguments," however I did see them more as discussions. It was about communication and keeping me in the loop about decisions like who could be invited to our home, if we could stay for extra games at a bar after he said we were gonna leave, etc. It was normal. I am so baffled at how he saw it as any form of justification for even a moment.

Sorry if the post is messy, it's my first time posting. Feel free to ask questions if anything is unclear.

My (19 NB) partner (19, NB) got very drunk one night with a friend and cheated on me two months into our relationship. I really loved them and I saw how destroyed they were after the incident (they told me the morning after) so i decided to stay. I never had the time to process my own emotions on the incident because my partner went into a crisis after what they did and i chose to support them through it. Little by little the cracks have been letting out what ive tried to keep in. I wont list all the examples of this i just want to talk about something that happened today.

After work they had a lesson with their bass teacher so I didnt call or text them too much and i didnt make a fuss when they didnt respond because i knew they were busy. It didnt upset me in the slightest. Then suddenly its been almost six hours since their last message and im starting to get worried. My partner has a history of coming home and going right to sleep so i still wasnt too worried i just assumed they were asleep. Then finally they text me and they tell me their friends came over. They never told me they would be meeting up with anyone other than their teacher. I feel betrayed for some reason and i know they havent done anything wrong but i still feel really fucking shitty. And now i feel bad about feeling shitty because my partner hasnt done anything wrong. They said it was a sudden decision that happened today but they couldve let me know anyway. I want to ask why they didnt but i know the answer will just be something like "i forgot" or "it didnt cross my mind"

I cant go to therapy because of a couple reasons so i would like to know what i can do about my situation outside of that. Thanks

This is my first time posting on Reddit after years of lurking different topics because well... I don't know what to do.

My partner (26M) and I (30F) have been together for four years. We were open for the first 6 months of our relationship, but about a month after we decided to be closed, I caught him attempting to cheat on me while drunk. He invited a girl over, she said no. We talked about it, I chalked it up to him being young at the time and me being his first relationship. This was in October. In April of the next year, I caught him in a lie about a girl he was snapchatting with, who he denied anything ever happening with. Both of these followed the same formula -- he was drunk, a girl approached him, he didn't say no, but the cheating didn't end up happening. This second time, I fully broke up with him (mostly because he tried to lie about and wasn't forthcoming about it). We were broken up for four months, and then decided to get back together. He was open to couples therapy, but everything just seemed okay, so we didn't end up doing it.

Over the last two years since, everything has been near perfect between us. I had a debilitating illness which he was my caregiver for and which forced us to do IVF together, we navigated a parental death... We came out of it all stronger. We live together, we work together, we have the IVF embryos together, we know each other's families well, he was planning on proposing next year and I fully saw myself marrying him. Our lives are incredibly intertwined.

Fast forward to this past September (two months ago). We were doing long distance. I just found out that while drunk at a bar by himself while away for work one night, a woman approached him with her number. He took it, and later texted her to invite her to his hotel room. She said no but maybe tomorrow, and in the morning he never texted her again.

When I confronted him on it, he told me the truth (I also texted the other woman and confirmed the truth) and told me this pattern comes down to being drunk and alone and wanting sex. Once he wakes up in the morning, he realizes his mistake, and doesn't act on it further. He also says that women have approached him at other times, and he's had no problem telling them he has a gf, and that he slipped up this time. He's going to quit drinking, is starting therapy, we're going to do couple's therapy... am I a fool if I stay?? He is so wonderful 95% of the time. We have such an incredible relationship, 95% of the time. He's my best friend, my favorite person, and he also clearly has demons from his childhood and upbringing. I know he is in love with me, I know he wants to be better. Help me reddit, do I stay?

My apologies for such a long post.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6yrs now. Recently, he confessed to me about a month ago that he’d been talking to sex workers online and going on this one hookup website for the past 2 1/2yrs. He said he’d do it about once a month for a few days, but would sometimes go longer without it. The hookup website wasn’t very active with women so he has only talked to a few on there, but it didn’t go any further than setting up fake meetups with them and sending and receiving nudes. He’d also talk sexual to them the same way he’d talk to sex workers. For example, asking them what they’d allow him to do and complimenting them.

He told me everything he did on that website and talking to the sex workers was pretend and he never gave out his real identity. He’d send fake selfies of other people when they’d ask him what he looked like but he’d send his real nudes to these women to “boost his confidence”. He said he has sent a real selfie of himself under 5 times when the sex workers would ask him to pose a certain way but he’d never give out his real name. He was never comfortable sending real pictures of himself but said the couple times he did send them was because he was desperate. He has also talked to them sexually on the phone, asking them what they’ll allow because he said it would turn him on that they were willing to have sex with him. He said he chose to talk to mostly escorts because he wasn’t looking to be with anyone.

When he started doing this, things between us were very rocky. We were arguing a lot, it was very hard for him to communicate his feelings with me. He’s told me I always have to have things go my way, so I made it hard for him to talk to me. He said he didn’t want to cause any problems so he would avoid talking about how he felt with me and he would turn to the sex workers as an “escape” from our problems. Sex started to become something we did less and less. For about two years sex was something we did once a month, maybe twice. Sometimes we’d go longer without it. We became more distant and since we live together, we became more like roommates than lovers. He said the distance between us made him feel like I didn’t want him. I understand where he is coming from.

His needs weren’t being met and he didn’t know how to communicate with me. I also didn’t know how to communicate with him. It was more comfortable for me to leave things how they were than to confront him, and I think the same thing goes for him. He wanted attention and didn’t want to cause any arguments between us by telling me what was bothering him. I know it’s not my fault he did this, he even told me he takes full responsibility for his actions and not to blame myself at all. I can understand why he felt like he needed to turn to something like this. He was desperate to feel desired, appreciated and he craved attention. He is very insecure and said he wanted validation.

When he’d send nudes to sex workers, it was rarely because they asked him to. He would randomly send them nudes even if they don’t ask because the fact that they wouldn’t get mad at him for it turned him on. He’d often ask them if they liked his dick. He felt like it was allowed and okay for him to do because they wouldn’t say anything about it. After he’d send nudes, he would ask them for pictures of what they looked like and it would be a picture from their ad. In his head he’d tell himself they took the picture for him and that they wanted to send him nudes. Growing up he would be made fun of for his weight and it would always get to him. He was sending nudes to women in high school and before he met me to make himself feel better about himself. Since sending nudes was something he was use to doing before he met me, I think that’s why he started doing it again when he wasn’t getting the validation and attention from me.

He has always been insecure and when him and I hit a rough patch in the relationship, I guess that’s when he started talking to other women. He said more recently it started to get worse where he was doing it more often and talking to more and more of them. He’s never paid them or met up with them, he took a lie detector test to prove that to me. I know they aren’t 100% accurate, but I truly believe he’s never met with anyone. He’s always said since the beginning that he’s only ever been in a relationship with me and he’s only ever had sex with me. I do believe this.

He has constantly lied to me before, like when I’d ask him if he was watching porn. He’d always say no because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Since all this has happened, he has been trying to be completely honest with me and has been answering all my questions. Even if they hurt me. He expressed remorse and regret and has started therapy for his insecurities and to learn how to communicate and we started couples therapy to help us communicate effectively with each other. I will also be starting therapy for myself. He expresses that he wants to change. I can see little by little that he is trying to change.

When he was in high school, he found out that his dad was meeting up with sex workers behind his mom’s back. I do believe this also plays a role as to why he was doing this. He would tell himself that since he isn’t meeting with anyone like how his dad did, that it’s not as bad. A couple weeks ago he called his mom to tell her about what he found on his dad’s phone and computer when he was in high school, because she never found out. He told her because he felt like it was something he should do to move forward from this and to release that burden he was carrying with him. He then told her he was doing the same thing to me, talking to sex workers, but just not meeting up with them. He had also called his dad and confronted his dad. My boyfriend was very upset while on the phone with the both of them.

I believe he wants to change and I’ve seen that he’s been putting the effort in. I want to give him another chance but don’t want to be put through the same thing again. He claims he only wants me and he wants things to work with me. He says that his actions were disgusting and that if he could go back and change them, he would. He told me that sometimes while he was talking to them, he’d feel guilty and delete the accounts he was talking to them on. Like email and a fake texting app. He feels bad about what he did.

He’s been trying to comfort me the best he can when I am upset and he expresses remorse. He tells me what he did was low and that he knows he is better than that. He constantly tells me that none of it was my fault and to not blame myself for what he did, even though we were going through tough times while he was doing these things. He says just because things weren’t going well, doesn’t give him the okay to do what he did. He’s told me that even though there are many factors as to why he did what he did, when it comes down to it, he did it because he wanted the validation and attention and that he takes full responsibility. It hurts so bad, but I am thankful that he is taking responsibility and expressing remorse. Him saying all those things makes me feel like maybe he can change.

Recently, despite what happened, I feel like things have gotten semi-better as far as communication and honesty goes. He’s been trying to communicate more and I listen and I give him what he wants. In a way I do feel like this brought us closer, but it’s still very difficult for me to deal with.

I just need advice. I guess my question is, does it sound like he is capable of changing? I feel like maybe he is. I have noticed he’s been using some techniques we’ve learned in couple’s therapy to help him communicate and try to get through arguments when they arise. I feel like he’s taking things seriously. Am I making the right decision by staying? Should I just move on? What would you do? Is reconciliation a bad idea?

I know people have had similar experiences where their s/o went to therapy and expressed remorse, but still went back to their ways. I am scared of that happening, but I feel like maybe he can change. I really do love him, he is my best friend and all I really have. He feels the same about me. I don’t want to break things off with him but I know at the same time, I have to do whats best for me. We are still together right now, but he knows I am still in the process of making the decision on whether or not I want to stay. It has been extremely hard. He had also told me that if I need to leave him, do it and that he’d understand. He doesn’t want me to be hurt, and that if this is something I am never able to get over, it’s best for me to leave even though he wouldn’t want me to. In the end, I know he wants me to do whats best for me.

I’m sorry this was so long. Just wanted to make sure I included everything so I could get advice. All advice and insight is very much appreciated. Thank you if you read this far.

Hey so married female - 36 I was using my husbands ( Male 40) iPad and found out he has been sending nudes photos and videos back and forth to different men on Snapchat. I am so shocked and heart broken. He was messaging over a dozen men for the past six months.

The messaging was very sexual but also casual- like no personal feelings and they didn’t talk details about their lives.

The messages were very graphic and I did confront him and begged him to be honest and he was not and I had to drag it out of him and he admitted to his account and messages.

I’m wondering has anyone dealt with this kink before? It seems like it’s all married men sending videos it’s so strange. He said he never wanted to it be physical with men and that isn’t a fantasy of his and he just loves the attention and it just started this summer.

I do really beleive he has never been physical with a man but based on the messages I feel like he was working his way there. One person did message ask if he has ever been with a man/ wanted to and he did say no.

He feels so ashamed and has apologized and deleted all apps and says he is committed to me and our marriage and family- we also have two small kids.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m heart broken, betrayed and also don’t feel like he has really worked out his true feelings on his sexuality.

It’s also especially heartbreaking because a few months ago we were going through a rough patch and he was so checked out and I called him out on this and he wasn’t honest with me and continued his online sexting. I feel like he was so focused on watering those partnerships vs ours which is so devastating.

I do want to stay and work on my marriage and when he did finally confess I really felt his remorse and commitment but I just don’t know if I can ever really get past this.

Update

Everyone was right about the love bombing :) And now I feel so ashamed of myself for trusting all over again. Checked his phone again and there it is. My dear, sweet serial manipulating and cheating husband just couldn’t fucking stop :)))))))) Why all the smiley faces? Because I’m a clown thats pregnant, that stayed when I could have been back home with my parents in my country away from this no good pos.

The amount of anger and pain I am in right now with myself. I’m so disappointed in myself. All these tears and crying right now as I make this post. I feel like I’ve been torn up all over again. I tried so fucking hard to believe we can reconcile. Im so tired. Im so fucking tired. What did I do to deserve this? I don’t deserve this. Idk what I’m going to do after my baby comes.

Shoutout to all the faithful wives and husbands struggling with their S/O’s infidelity. How much more can we take.

I’m writing this because I feel like I’ve hit a wall and need fresh perspectives. My wife and I have been married for over 10 years, and we have 4 young children. I’ve always valued the idea of keeping our family intact above all else, but I’m caught in the middle of her ongoing affair with a coworker.

Here’s the backstory: I discovered her affair 10 months ago (it started August 2023) and though she acknowledges it, she hasn’t ended it. She describes it as emotional, but I suspect it’s also physical. She continues to have daily communication with him, and since they work together, they spend significant time in close proximity. He’s divorced twice, has kids from both marriages, and seems to think their relationship is “destiny.”

Her ambivalence is overwhelming. She’s agreed to start therapy, but she hasn’t committed to rebuilding trust or cutting ties with her affair partner. She’s admitted that she doubts whether she can be with one person for her whole life, and her childhood was marked by her own mother’s infidelity and eventual return to her family. I feel like she might be repeating that cycle, but it’s unclear if she sees it that way.

On the one hand, I love her deeply and want to work through this. I can see moments where she’s still connected to me and our family, but they’re fleeting. On the other hand, I’m watching her pull further away with every work trip and every secretive phone call. The emotional and physical distance between us grows by the day.

To make things more complicated, I’m terrified of divorce. The thought of splitting up our household and only seeing my children half the time is unbearable to me. I can’t imagine losing that daily connection with them, which makes me feel like I have to stay in this marriage no matter what.

My wife recently said that getting past our issues would take “10 years,” which I take as a metaphor for how overwhelming she finds the idea of rebuilding our marriage. She also hasn’t given me any reassurance that she sees a future for us, yet she hasn’t explicitly said she wants to leave, either. I feel stuck in this limbo.

Right now, I’m torn between fighting for the marriage and wondering if it’s already over. I don’t know how much longer I can take the constant hurt of her ongoing affair and detachment, but I also don’t want to give up on the possibility of us finding our way back.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? How did you handle your spouse’s ambivalence, ongoing infidelity, and lack of commitment to ending the affair? Is it possible to rebuild trust and connection in such a lopsided dynamic? Or is staying in this situation just delaying the inevitable?

Any advice or insight would mean a lot.

I (39F) was with my ex-wife (38F) for 12 years and we have two young children together. I suspected she began emotionally cheating on me with her employee a decade younger than her a little under two years ago. We went to MC where she confirmed she had feelings for the younger woman, and I found out later she had begun a full blown affair. She asked for a divorce a little over a year ago and then immediately started openly dating the 28 year old and planning out a life together.

Well, then she started cheating on the younger girl she left me for, for another woman our age who is the mom of our children’s friend, a few months after we filed for divorce. The divorce was only filed a few months ago, and my ex-wife got married to the new woman literally a couple months after that. The craziest part is we moved for work, and the new wife is across the country, so they will be long distance for the foreseeable future. My kids like the woman because she has known them, being the mom of their friends, but there is no way they will not put together what happened when they get older.

I am really struggling to handle this. I am still left devastated by a divorce that was only finalized half a year ago, while she’s already let me for a full blown relationship, then left that other relationship for a full blown relationship and marriage. I have also gotten inklings that she’s cheated on me sporadically through our entire marriage, which I am still struggling to process.

She claims she’s changed and has found the love of her life. She seems happy. The first affair partner refuses to speak to her now and has been out of the picture since she was left, thankfully – no kids to tie her there and stuck in my face. Funnily enough I’ve heard from mutual friends that my ex-wife is furious AP#1 walked away from her and keeps trying to talk to her, despite having cheated on her. But the newest woman is head over heels for her (the new wife’s ex-wife left her for an affair partner a few years ago and has been desperate to get re-married too).

Do cheaters ever change their stripes? I wish I could say I just want to be happy for her, but this has been so destabilizing to my kids, and is a betrayal and heartbreak I thought inconceivable before this nightmare began. It blows my mind that not only did she get remarried less than 3 months after our divorce was finalized, but that this is her SECOND relationship since ours. I can’t help but fear she got her happy ever after while I’m stuck broken and devastated, trying to heal in healthy ways (i.e. not throwing myself at the first person who looks at me), and the only one here putting my kids and their stability first.

Just need to vent to people who understand.

I found out yesterday that my boyfriend of 3 years have been cheating for god knows how long. I found out he has brought hookers into my bed. He has fooled around with coworkers. All the while boasting about it at work. I feel like such a fool.

He led me on. He said we had a future together. I move countries and he was to follow next year. But that is not happening anymore. The person I talk to now is a changed one. He is not who he used to be. He is angry, boastful, hateful. His behavior is erratic and both me and our common friends have seen a change in him. I'm almost thinking he's having a manic episode. He is delusional, telling me it's my fault, that I am trying to ruin his career, that I have been horrible and not giving him enough sex.

I don't recognize this person. It's not the person I fell in love with. He has been lying to my face again and again. And he feels no remorse. He is just upset he got caught. That's the hardest part - that the person I once loved does not exist anymore. I don't understand why he didn't just break up? Why did he hate me so much that he had to put me through this? What have I done to deserve this? This is going to be the worst Christmas ever and the pain is unbearable. I can't eat, sleep, work. All I do is cry.

I hope we all feel better soon. I am cutting all contact. I will find my strength. The only way out is through. Thank you for reading. I hope you all take care of yourselves.

I found out mid-way through his business trip. After the shock wore off enough that I could think again I wrote a letter. I rewrote it a dozen times over the next few days.

I was desperate to talk about it, but I didn’t want to smear him with our friends. Finally called my sister 2 days ago. She helped a lot. I still feel like I need a community, and am glad I found this sub.

Sis and I developed a plan to open the discussion when he returned from trip. (She agreed it was not inappropriate to want to tell him when he called to just call his gf for a ride.)

But unproductive, so I would pick him up, take him home where I have moved into the guest bedroom, and leave the letter on his pillow.

Plan had to change because he was exhausted on arrival and I already have enough trouble with his anger, I felt it would be a bad idea to give him the letter last night.

So I gave him some excuse, which he bought, why I was in guest room, and put the letter in my purse.

I do not want to split. We have been together over 25 years and he is the love of my life. We are both mid-60s.

I will give him the letter when he returns from work. It expresses how hurt and sad and angry I am. It lays out my expectations, and the conditions under which I will return to our bed. I want him to read and process the whole letter, not stop after 1 page to “discuss” but I admit I’m making this up as I go.

I’ve watched some Esther Perel on YouTube, and ordered some books, and started the search for a counselor. This area is ridiculously tight on them.

I expect he will be remorseful, but he might also get mad. How do I bring him back down to a moderately reasonable discussion? Mind you I am likely to be crying the whole time.

Any advice would be appreciated.

My (29F) now ex boyfriend (29M) are in the process of separating. We were together almost 5 years, and live together. I thought I was going to marry him. But it turns out, he was physically and emotionally cheating on me on and off the entire time with various women.

I've been having a really hard time even just accepting it. I just feel so low. I've never felt so sad, angry, insecure, and pathetic in my life. He was my person.

Part of me wants to just meet people, or maybe go on a dating app just for some positive attention. I want to be told I'm pretty. I want to be told I'm funny. I DEFINITELY am NOT looking to date anyone (perhaps ever again). I just want to know if it's wrong for me to want to get this attention? I've just felt so bad and I just want one stupid little pick up line to make me laugh and feel good. Has anyone else ever felt like this, or tried it? Did it give you a moment of happiness?

As I'm typing my thoughts out, I realize this probably sounds really dumb and immature and shallow and I'm kind of embarrassed. Im just in a really bad and insecure place right now and I want to hear something nice about myself, not coming from someone who's been lying to me for 5 years.

I just want to feel something good again. I am not okay.

(I don't know which flair to use here, it started as a question but kind of turned into a rant)

I’m (21F) and my ex is (22M). We were long term partners, lived together for 2 years, had 2 cats, etc. We went through a lot together (I don’t want to go into detail but there was a lot of loss during our relationship). Ultimately he ended up cheating and I found out due to dating app logins from fake emails. We broke up 3 months ago and I thought at the beginning I was okay as I kept myself busy with work and school… but I’m realizing I haven’t been okay at all. Not only am I broken about this but throughout the times we’ve spoken post-breakup, he has been mean, gaslighted me and played victim. He also said he was abusive to me. We stopped officially speaking 3 days ago and I’m really broken up and I don’t know how to be okay.

This might sound silly but I just don’t know what to do.

He did not admit it himself. I found a screenshot of my SIL on his phone and when I confronted him about it, he admitted it. He was very apologetic and said it happened at a weak moment. But I can’t get over it. We have one daughter together and another one on the way. How do I deal with this ?

There is about a 60/40 chance that the first few minutes of being intimate or getting myself to the point of initiating, that I get the visuals of partner with AP in my place. It’s been over a year, but I can’t seem to get it to just stop. At least I can usually get passed it and try and be in the moment, but it drives me nuts.

I feel guilty for not initiating more, but then feel the betrayal all over again at the same time. I also struggle with ruminating all the time and is just my nature, so that doesn’t help either…

Then once it’s over, it comes back to me again. Partner has no idea since I have I have not shared this with them.

Well, I can't say for certain, but I am 99% sure that this was exactly what happened.

I only found out the cheating after were broken up. I had no suspicions at all while we were together. I actually had the impression he was a faithful and responsible partner. He once immediately told me the story of how a female restaurant employee flirted with him and supposedly "made him uncomfortable." It made me think, "this is a man I could trust. He could have easily kept this to himself and I would have never known, but didn't."

(More on that later.)

My ex randomly gifted me a pair of earrings and a matching style bracelet. (I can't find the exact set online right now, but they were Swarovski earrings and a bracelet with the infinity symbol.) I say random because it was nowhere near Christmas, an anniversary, my birthday, or Valentine's day. I've never expressed an interest in jewelry (still don't), but the earrings were especially tone deaf, as I don't even have pierced ears. I asked him about it, and he responded that, "he thought I had pierced ears because most women have them."

Kind of a flimsy excuse, but it's the thought that counts, right? In hindsight, maybe I should have looked at the jewelry gesture with more scrutiny, but you're naturally inclined to believe your partners, especially if they have never given you a reason to be suspicious. Perhaps it was easier to believe that my ex was just careless and inattentive, but well-meaning. The set was fairly expensive for both of us at the time, and I just decided to be grateful for the gift.

Fast forward to after the breakup. I was trying to get in touch with my ex via his contacts because he had stolen $500 from me, which I eventually did get back. I inadvertently messaged his side chick, just assuming she was another friend or coworker of his. She called me, and we had a brief conversation where she told me details about how they met and the extent of the affair.

She made it seem more like he had an obsessive crush on her, and she blew his advances off every time. Remember that time my ex told me about a restaurant employee hitting on him? Turns out, the real story was that he frequently visited a specific restaurant to hit on the same employee, her, at least according to the side chick. (As an aside, how screwed up is it to be so brazen to tell your partner an example of your cheating, only to switch up the perspectives to make you look like the hero?)

The text screenshots she showed me appeared to match up with what she was saying, but she only sent me two examples. I seriously doubt they only had two text exchanges in those 4 months, unless most of their interactions were in-person, if you catch my drift. And if she really was so turned off by his advances, why did she give him her phone number and access to her private social media accounts? Why continue to interact with him for 4 months?

I don't know how honest she was with me, but she at least seemed to feel sorry for what I was going through. I only have my speculations. I personally believe that the two of them did have an affair, but he was far more into it than she was. (He was probably the lovebombing type) Maybe he wanted to escalate into a serious, romantic relationship with her, but she only enjoyed the flirtation and sex she got out of it. She was probably embarrassed to tell me that she had a more active role in the affair, and I can't really blame her. He was the one stepping out, after all. But again, that's just speculation.

At the very least, her timeline helped me piece together that my ex had been having an emotional, and possible physical, affair with this woman for 4 months of our relationship.

I never met this woman in person; I only saw her pictures on social media. What immediately jumped out to me was that she always wore earrings. I firmly believe that my ex, possibly in one of his lovebombing frenzies, tried to woo her with this expensive jewelry. She rejected the gift, leaving my ex with egg on his face.

I don't know why he didn't just return the jewelry to the store. Maybe Swarovski jewelry is final sale. Maybe he ordered them online and was too lazy to begin the return process. Whatever the reason, he tried to pass the gift off as something he got for me originally. He was probably praying that I just so happened to also have pierced ears, even though I (obviously) never showed up to any of our dates with earrings. You can clearly see I don't have any holes in my lobes. Maybe he knew I didn't have pierced ears, and just hoped I wouldn't bring the issue up with him.

Either way, it goes to show how little he really knew about me, or cared to know about lol.

There's also that extra sting that my ex was willing to drop hundreds of dollars on a woman who, supposedly, wasn't even all that into him. Meanwhile, the best gift he could muster for me, his actual girlfriend, was treating me to the occasional fast food takeout.

I'm not even saying I wished he bought something expensive for me. I was patient and understanding with his financial issues, which he legitimately did have. I don't know how or where he was able to pull the couple hundred dollars to splurge on his side chick, but that gesture was just insanely disrespectful. It feels especially nasty to think I was helping him save money so he could buy something nice for her.

Talk about losing brain cells to the limerence.

I did end up asking my ex why he cheated on me. He said, “it doesn’t matter because she didn’t mean anything to me,” which should just be the national cheater’s anthem.

When you think about all they have put you through? I feel like I don’t like my partner as a person. I hope this feeling is temporary. Today he is moping around and i am just annoyed by his presence.

All those times I was kind, supportive, compassionate and graceful only for him to make me look like a fool

Tomorrow I plan to confront my cheating partner about his recent bout of infidelity and lies and I am so scared. I know I need to do it, and will be better off when I no longer have to exist in a constant state of anxiety and resentment but I am so, so scared.

Any encouragement or tips is warmly welcomed.

Edit: typo