How do you move on with the reality that this person you loved so deeply was actually someone else?

I’m having a really hard time letting go to what I thought we were. Obviously if you continue to want to be with other women, why are you with me? But he seemed so convincing for so long that I was all he needed.

Has anyone ever been with a person they thought was the one but continue to want to cheat on them? How does that work?

I wish I could understand so maybe I would hurt less.

I understand I might get some negative comments but I’m lost on how to support my partner who’s decided to break up with me due to my cheating. I understand why they need to get away. But currently our finances are tight, she can’t afford to take over our mortgage by herself, perhaps if I save up I can help her for a bit. This leaves us having to separate but live together. I just can’t figure out how to untangle due to this. We have so much together. Home, pets, business, etc. I don’t know how to help untangle. Please advise only.

I (22F) found out 6 months ago, that my boyfriend (21M) of almost 3 years, had an onlyfans account at the start of our relationship.

He had the onlyfans account & paid subscriptions for a month before we started dating to 3 months into our relationship.

At the beginning of our relationship I told him my boundaries on porn, onlyfans, ig models ect ect. He agreed and said all these things were detrimental to our health blah blah. Yet he watched porn our entire relationship and was subscribed to an onlyfans woman for the first 3 months of our relationship. His account was deleted due to inactivity hence only the 3 months (that I know of).

When I confronted him about his porn usage (my personal boundary - I understand some people may be okay with porn but I am not), he wept and swore on my life he wouldn’t do it again, i forgave him and moved on. I found out again a month later, that he in fact did not stop watching porn, again, he wept, i forgave, i told him how upset the lies had made me. How it had now destroyed my self love, self respect, my trust for him. I couldn’t stand him looking at me unclothed anymore, he really had broken me for lying again.

I then found out AGAIN that he had taken no actions to stop his porn usage, and that on our 3 week holiday overseas, he had been watching porn, and hentai and had been jerking off the same nights I would still cry to him about how much damage he had done.

After this I told him I was done, that he had not taken any action to stop his porn usage, that he swore on my life he wouldn’t stop, that he manipulated me from the start of our relationship and did not tell me he had a porn addiction, that he can find it so easy to lie to his partner.

But I am so in love with him I stayed, he said he had been struggling with porn since he was a child, and that he felt so much guilt he couldn’t admit to me that he couldn’t stop. He cried to me for help, and I just feel like he really is a lost soul that needs some sort of light?

After this, he researched everyday, journaled on his porn usage, watched youtube talks on how to rewire the porn addicted brain ect. We have since put measurements in place, he has no social media apps, no reddit, no snapchat, no facebook, no instagram, no google; if you name it, he doesn’t have it. (He does have youtube with a 1 hour time limit - but that is another story to stop doom scrolling)

I have set a screen time passcode on his iPhone, he cannot access private browsing, he cannot delete search history, he cannot download apps, he cannot delete apps, he has “limit adult websites” turned on - with every porn site blocked. (I know this sounds absolutely batshit insane, but he is genuinely happy we have put all these measurements in place) I would also like to note that I also do not have any social media apps, and I also have ^ all of the above measurements in place on my phone in case he tried to use my phone to commit infidelity again (I do not trust him fully).

He has now been clean for 100 days & for the first time, I actually believe him. He is happy to tell me his milestones, he initiates more often, he communicates better now, he has told me that he has noticed that he has stopped sexualising random women he sees, so much has changed in our relationship for the better.

BUT STILL, I cannot get over the hurt, the lies, the betrayal, the lost innocence. I cry. Every. Single. Day. I know he has stopped, but why does it still hurt? Why do I look in the mirror and hate everything I see? Why do I never feel pretty anymore, no matter how much he tells me I’m beautiful? Why can I not get over the fact he cheated on me
2 YEARS ago?

I just want this pain to go away, I want to stop thinking about it but I don’t know how, please, if there is any woman kind enough to please give me some advice or feedback, it would be really really appreciated.

I’m sorry I do not have a mother I can ask

In the last 2 years I’ve caught me wife of 11 years 1. Talking to other men and posting nudes on reddit. 2. Caught her out on a lie “going out with friends” but she was going to meet up with a man she met on reddit. 3. That she had an affair 4-5 years in because she was mad at me and wanted to hurt me. 4. Sexting with people from her work because “it was fun”.

The last instance was 9 months ago and I don’t think she’s continuing to do anything anymore but it’s so hard to tell. We fight so often over intimacy and sex as I don’t want it as much as she does, I feel unworthy. I feel like I’m not enough and the more pressure there is around it the less I want it because “who would want me?”. I know this sounds like I’m fishing but I’m wondering if anyone else has found themselves here and how they may have pulled themselves out of it? I used to be so “confident” in the bedroom. And yeah sometimes I naively believed I was the best some had ever had at it but everything has been crushed down.

I want to be there sexually and I want that “togetherness” and closeness that it brought me before but I just don’t know how to do it anymore. My wife will want it everyday, and when we’re done she’ll want more, she will literally sit there and play with herself for hours afterward and it just leaves me feeling like I’m not good enough and can’t satisfy her needs. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

And here it goes:

Most days I feel like I am drowning while playing the role of happy wife (to not give off any signs that I KNOW). I haven't confronted him yet because I need concrete proof. I have enough to put pieces together and know what is going on and who with, but not enough for him to admit it. As a master gaslighter, he will deny the current proof I do have if I was to say it now. I don't want to be a hysterical and emotional wife who just brings this up crying without a plan. It hurts, but I am now playing the long game and being incredibly precise and methocical with my moves. For me. For my kids.

While I wait, I have consulted an attorney and know my rights. I also know how to respond if he was to file for divorce or if I decide to. I have also a PI involved who I can (and will) book once I know of the next meetup. THAT will be the actual visual proof. Lastly, I am saving as much cash as I can.

The facts:

30 year marriage (ours)

Affair is with a married woman. I've met her several times.

They work remotely/hybrid but have occasional travel and events together

Last year he mentioned he was checked out of marriage, but then he almost immediately panicked and backpedaled it all when we spoke and said WE would work on the relationship. That basically meant we went back into coasting through it all with a little bit more sex. That's when I opened my eyes and had the a-ha moment of what was going on. I realized what a sitting duck I'd been all this time having full trust.

Adding to compliation of it all? We have special needs, medically fragile twins who need supervision and forever medical care. As in, they will always live with us. We have emergency hospital visits monthly with them. They have significant cognitive delays, and routine is a huge part of keeping their lives as smooth as possible. I often wonder if I should just suck it up for their sake to not rock the boat. But sacrificing my pride and dignity as a woman is a tough pill to swallow. I don't know how so many women do that, but I understand it more now that I am in their shoes. It's not like typical children who will grow up and have their own lives leaving us to ours. This has made our lives incredibly difficult the last decade or so.

That said, to the world, he's the perfect husband, and dad. It's easy to coast since our lives are so set after so long. So many friendships and ties, upcoming events, dinners, celebrations, etc. She's also very public about her marriage portraying it as solid and happy. Insert eyeroll.

He goes along with anything I want and like (before this too- so just keeping it up). We do at least two date nights weekly. He keeps committing to trips and things with friends down the line, even as far as December (including flights for us). But on the DL, he's DMing with this person constantly, sending cute "i love you/miss/need you" type memes, planning meetups, and searching for gifts for her.

I have a strong suspicion he's more into her than she is him, and she might have cooled things off recently. Not that it matters, but just a detail. They do have some upcoming work trips I will be closely looking into.

I am left knowing what I know daily and awaiting when I can get the proof. Another way I would be able to get proof is with access to his Instagram/Facebook DMs but I can't ever get to his phone/laptop. Of course he's super possessive of it all. Currently looking into the GPS tracking or voice activated recording I have seen suggested here (but worried they can make a sound or have a light, thus, alerting him).

I have her husband's LinkedIn account as well. I've considered reaching out to him there (why should I be the only one suffering while she waltzes around with a smile on her face having her husband and mine?). But then I don't know if SHE runs that account for him (she does his marketing), how he would react to this (even if I send it from an anonymous account), and if it could be traced back to me (he's in technology). I haven't pulled the trigger on that one, and I'm out of other ideas.

We have joining bank accounts so I've also had to creatively maneuver the cost of the attorney and PI since I can't pay for it through our accounts.

Mainly, we are so busy with the kids that weekdays are easier for me at time to forget what is happening. Other days, I am all composed on the outside and a wreck on this inside. I can only cry at night or when I go for runs. Regardless of playing it cool, I am absolutely devastated without anyone to speak to about this. If you got this far...wow, THANK YOU!

Sorry for any rule violations etc.

We have been together since highschool. Nothing like this happened before from both of us. My (25m) fiance (25f) has cheated on me with a friend (not anymore) of ours, we have about 6 months to our wedding and I don't know what to do. I have now listened to many friends, who we haven't seen for some time and were distant, now I know why because they were suspicious of this situation and didn't have the heart to tell me.

I have listened to all parties involved. At the start period she also wanted this she liked the attention and support from him, then they were chatting exchanging nudes etc. and one day it got physical. She says she felt sick afterwards and regretted. She was scared to come clean so she hid it. For months nothing happened and then for a few months the friend threatens her various ways, waits for her in various places, threatens to tell me everything and so. Thus, for a few times for months he takes advantage of her fear.

Now that everthing has been revealed, I think back to her actions, how she changed in all this time, how she must have felt scared and pressured. I truly believes she loves me deeply, is remorseful and want to resolve this. I have been thinking about what to do for days, at first I was devastated but after a few days I feel empty, I don't feel love towards her. So I believe things won't work out if we try and we will just hurt each other for who knows how long. I don't want her to be miserable, especially after thinking how much she felt scared and pressured for many months, but I don't know if I am able to give her and to us another chance.

I just need outside perspective, sorry if this was unnecessarily long and may have spelling or punctiation errors.

So, my husband is cheating on me with a divorced woman who has two kids. Here's the backstory: She met my husband after she asked for a divorce from her ex. She asked for the divorce just two months after giving birth, and the very next day, she found out she was pregnant again. This is around the time she started talking to my husband online. They only met in person after she moved to our city (which happened after I married him, by the way). They had a breakup when I met him, but more than a year later, she contacted him first, letting him know she had moved here. She made it sound formal and innocent, but my husband fell for it, and they started meeting up.

Their relationship is super on-and-off, and I’ve caught him trying to flirt with other girls too. He’s a master at playing innocent, but I know he’s been meeting her secretly. Honestly, she seems desperate for attention, even though she plays hard to get. She dresses like she's headed to a fashion show just to buy groceries, always in heels, and she sends him pictures of herself in sexy poses.

It’s making me wonder... Does she really want his attention, even though she knows he didn’t marry her and ended up marrying me? Is this what single mothers are like? Is she so desperate to be his “main girl” even though she knows he's a cheater?

I’m also wondering if I’m asking for too much by thinking about divorce. I have a kid, and I found out about his cheating after having my child. She seems to regret her divorce, and I’m terrified I’ll regret my decision if I go through with it. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What would you do?

For people who haven’t read my other post (probably 99% of y’all lol), I was suspecting that my (now ex) boyfriend / toddler’s dad was cheating on me. Low and behold, he accidentally butt dialed me a couple of days ago and I overheard him talking about the girls he had just screwed and the other ones he’s been screwing for the last year or so to his bros. He does this at “massage parlors” aka the ones on rub map (which I had never heard about but quickly fell down a rabbit hole).

My man and I were having sex almost daily. I never left him starved for love or sexually unsatisfied. Even after he found out I knew about the massage parlors he insisted I was the best sex he’s ever had (not that I care now, makes me sick to think he’d come home after supposedly working and I was waiting up for him despite being exhausted from work and caring for our child and he had sex with me after screwing some random).

What exactly goes down at these places? He tried to say that he only got actual massages a few times, and downplayed it (of course). Also he had all kinds of condoms in his pants, wallet etc but insisted that those were random and nothing to do with the massage places because they have “buckets of condoms”, but he also denied screwing anyone outside of the massage places (which now I doubt). Do the massage places tend to use protection and std check their women ? I’m obviously getting an std test anyways but I’m expecting the worst.

Ugh I just feel sick to my stomach. Not even just the act of cheating but that he’s engaged in this commodification of women; as someone who has friends in that industry, I know first hand that most are not there by choice.

Yesterday I found out that my (F22) fiance (M21) whom I have been with for five years cheated on me a month ago by hooking up with a random guy he found online.

He also told me that he doesn’t know why, but he had been slowly falling out of love with me since September and he thinks it’s because of something wrong with his brain, like he doesn’t know why he had been falling out of love with me.

I feel so stupid. I blindly thought our relationship was great, and even thought that it was healthier than ever. I was ready to build a family and have a life together.

How do I go on knowing that the past 6 months have been a lie? How do I go on knowing that someone could just stop loving me and then go and cheat on me with no issue.

i've just come across this sub and i'm looking for some thoughts on a situation. it's my mothers birthday and i was helping her set up her new phone but came across some old emails from 2011 while searching for some account details. They were emails to a man who i thought was BOTH my parent's friend. This guy (B) has been friends with my parents for years like probably since 2008 BUT my mom has mentioned that he has not spoken to them since around the pandemic. My mom was always closer to him as they worked in the same field and they had even traveled together for that work (i think it was just one time but i may be wrong)

I wasn't looking for anything and wouldn't even have opened the email if i hadn't recognised B's full name in the email address. In all honestly i've had suspicions about this man and thought Mom may have had an emotional affair but it's so much worse than that. Mom had used a nickname on him which seemed weird to me. There wasn't anything actually explicit in that email (no nudes thank god) but she called him her lover and mentioned how hard it was to be living so far away (B lives in a different country, though we visit that country often and have seen B many times over the years, the last i saw him was 2017).

Somehow this triggered some repressed memory from when i was young but i don't know exactly how old, where i remember being in my parents bed taking an afternoon nap (or pretending to) and hearing my mom on the phone with B and thinking she was being weird. I specifically remember back then i suspected something was off but didn't say or do anything about it. I actually think that my dad either knew what was going on or was okay with it but i can't remember much about his interactions with B.

While i had her phone with me i looked up his email and found hundreds of exchanges, some about work, some planning the trip i mentioned them taking (around 2016). And a lot of cringey shit like genuinely my view of my mom has changed i didn't even know she was capable of such disgusting mushy bullshit. I can't figure out if they ever had sex but i highly suspect that they did. i couldn't scroll to the bottom but it lasted years. at least 2011-2017 after which i assume they moved onto text messages? i searched for B's name on her messaging apps on her old phone but they're all empty (which does at least confirm what she said about him going silent around pandemic time because that's when she last changed her phone)

the last email i found was from 2023 in which she mentions a recent life change that had occured and she was updating him, saying she didn't know why he had gone radio silent but wishing him the best in life.

i know for sure that whatever it was is over now but this is messing with my whole perception of my family. I may have had suspicions as a child but figured i just had an overactive imagination. Now that i know, im truly devastated. have always felt like i had the ideal family. all my friends families have complex issues and they all look up to my parents and their marriage. I always had hope for love and relationships because of how much my parents love each other. i thought they were the perfect couple (they've been married for close to 30 years) but now i'm wondering if she really spent half (or more) of that time cheating on my dad. i don't know what to do or how to process this and i can't talk to anyone especially not my friends because i know how much they idolise my parents too.

i want to talk to my mom about it but it's her birthday and i obviously don't want to bring this up today but she and my dad are going on a trip for her birthday and won't be back for 2 weeks. i feel like my world is shattering right now and i don't know how to deal with this. has anyone been in a similar situation? should i say something or let the past be in the past? How do i look at my mom without crying?

This week I found out my Fiancée of 11 months (together since 2016) sent nudes to a person at work. I stumbled upon it a screenshot of a conversation. The nude was sent 1 week before I proposed (March 2024). I came across other nudes throughout 2024 that she had never shown me. I confronted her and she swears it was just the one picture and that was it. It’s hard to think there wasn’t any more going on there, she wants another chance. I broke up with her yesterday and she moved back to her parents (we moved in together june 2024).

Heres where I struggle; theres no way I can accept that or have full trust if we move past it HOWEVER it has prompted conversations that make us feel that we could be in a way better place moving forward. I did not cheat on her, her reasoning was basically lack of affection and attention, 2024 I struggled with my dads passing and had an addiction that i have now curved (2 months sober), and was in a new job that I was trying to learn plus balancing us moving in.

I’m torn about giving it another shot or respecting myself and moving forward and throwing nearly 10 years out the window.

ADVICE PLEASE

UPDATE: I should add this was at her part time job where she works once a week, also a key detail: if I didn’t find it, then she is still living with me right now and we are still getting married, I truly feel the universe threw me a solid. She admitted she would not have said anything if I didn’t find it. Shes begging for another chance and essentially saying she’ll do anything. Her mindset versus mine one week before we got engaged makes me furious (granted she wouldn’t know that it was happening but she had a hunch based on how it was playing out one week before), also the fact that the person she sent it to would have known about the engagement, saw her with a new ring, heard the story (setting up the engagement cost about 4k).

Hace un tiempo delate a un infiel y me gustaría tanto poder contarle a todas y alertarlas para que no caigan en sus garras. A veces quisiera que hubiera una red y poner ahí sus delitos. Seria bueno para las mujeres e inclusive hombres

My ex who I suspected of cheating before I left him (he always adamantly denied it at the time when I asked) contacted me out of the blue tonight to tell me he cheated on me through most of our relationship and it’s my fault as I wasn’t “nice enough”. I gave him a place to live, tons of money which he never paid back, and broke my back working 50 hour weeks while he sat at home playing Xbox.

I haven’t read the full message as I don’t even want to give him the satisfaction of that read receipt, but I imagine it’s full of more insults. I told him when we first met if he ever wants to cheat, to just fucking leave me. This man child said he would never dream of it.

I have no idea why he is doing this now. I’m in a happier place without him and have been working hard on my career and personal life, including a long break from dating as I recovered from his toxicity.

I left him in 2023 and he has been in a new relationship since a month after I left him (probably with one of his side pieces. lol). Why do they always reappear to do shit like this!?!?! Sometimes I worry that I’ll never be able to trust anyone enough again to be in a relationship, as both my ex partners have been controlling manipulative losers.

Last Update

Personal Note: I didn't think this would blow up like it has after the original post was buried and overlooked. Thank you for all your advice and for the personal stories and experiences you have private messaged me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond to you all.

Let me say that I'm not really interested in joining any "cause". All you need to do is have a cursory look at the relationship subs and you'll see there are just as many women heartbroken by infidelity as men, maybe more even. It's not a sexist issue. It's an issue of low character and morality, Having low character and morality has nothing to do with your gonads. I have had both heartbroken men and heartbroken women PM me their stories and I see very clearly that this issue is not delineated by sex.

If you don't believe this is real, I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. Please block me and ignore me if it's a bother.

On to the update: TL;DR: I got info from the VAR. She's definitely cheating. I'm angry and heartbroken. I already have a lawyer. I've been looking at lawyers since before Christmas. Like a lot of you said, I'm going to have to get a PI for good evidence for an at fault divorce. My dad is taking our a HELOC on his home to help pay for it.

I checked the VAR recordings from Emily's car and I got some info.

There was the usual business and personal calls, and some Taylor Swift sing-a-longs.

The first call of note was with John. Apparently she had not talked to him since NYE. She was angry with him for sending the gift at Christmas and keeping her late at NYE. John was dismissive and cocky at first. Emily then told him about how I asked her if she was cheating on me during NYE. That got John's attention and he was asking all kinds of questions. He seemed really interested if I had mentioned him by name at all (I DIDN'T). He said he thought she was handling me. He told her that they should be safe if she has always used the card. She said she did. He asked her if she wanted to meet and she started crying. She told him that the relationship has stopped being fun for her and that they should stop and she wasn't going to lose her marriage over this (TOO LATE HONEY!). He told her that she should just keep lying to me. He seemed really worried about his wife finding out (OH, SHE WILL, ASSHOLE!!). He told her not to call him again on his phone and that they'll talk the next time they meet. He also told her to be sure and delete everything off her phone and computer. She said she already had.

Her next call was to her BFF, "Bev". Bev knows about the affair and my wife was crying. Emily told Bev about NYE and that she thinks I suspect something and Bev told her to keep lying to me but also told her she should probably end her affair because I would definitely divorce her if I find out or if she confesses (DING DING DING! BEV KNOWS ME SO WELL!). Emily said she is in the process of ending her affair with John.

I always considered Bev a mutual friend. I've met her husband. We've been out on "couples dates". He's going to get a message from me outlining his wife's liberal views on infidelity as well as a link to the recording of her phone call (I'll check with my lawyer first). Interested in both men and women's views on this. How would you feel if you knew your spouse was actively encouraging their friend to hide their infidelity and talking about how it is with their cheating friend? Should I be pissed at her??

I did some web searching and anonymous asking around on social media and, on the advice of stuff I got here on reddit, met with what I think are the three best family law attorneys in my area. I had official consultations with them. I did this so that two of them wouldn't be able to take my wife's case because of conflict of interest. What they didn't tell me in those reddit comments/posts is that the really good family law attorneys don't do free consultations. They charge you for them and then some pro rate that charge towards your bill if you select them to represent you. So I ended up spending $1600 for all that. Just FYI.

I'm not super rich. We have a lot of money saved up but I don't want to tip her off by touching that. My wife's business is doing really well, but she has the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" attitude when it comes to paychecks and I didn't mind until now. I make 6 figures as a senior developer and we don't have a mortgage or rent payment. When my mom died, my dad moved down to Florida to The Villages. He lets us stay in his house rent free. It's already paid for. I say this because my dad is taking out a HELOC on the home to help me pay for the divorce attorney. A really good divorce attorney is very expensive, I've learned. The plan is to refinance it in my name after the divorce is over. Meanwhile, I'll be making the payments by writing checks to my dad. The HELOC is still pending, so I'm paying with a credit card I took out for this occasion. I'm pretty much certain my credit score will be shot to hell after this.

I talked to my divorce attorney and gave her the recordings and she said it was good evidence. I told her about how Emily is ending it with John and about the card John mentioned. She told me to take a picture of the card if I can find it and send it to her. I asked her if it was legal to do that and she said yes because it's accessible within shared marital property. She's going to subpoena the card statements. As far as Emily ending it with John goes, my lawyer said maybe but don't count on it.

My attorney also told me the same thing y'all told me and that's I need to hire a PI. She told me she had a good one . I told her I already had all this evidence and she said that evidence and testimony from a PI carry more weight with the court because a PI knows how to get admissible evidence legally and is impartial. She told me her goal is to get enough evidence so that any attorney my wife got would settle rather than go to trial because she'd subpoena John and John would be exposed too. She told me she wouldn't be surprised if John paid for my wife's attorney, which would be a dumb idea for her because that attorney would mainly have John's best interests in mind. But, since he's paying for everything else, she'd probably go for it. I'll be meeting with the PI on Monday.

Meanwhile, Emily is love bombing me. She's telling me how great I am and how much she appreciates me and how lucky she is. She's talking about starting a family before she's 30 (NOT WITH ME, YOU'RE NOT). She wants us to go on a long romantic trip that she's planning on paying for with her money (with John's card probably). I want to scream at her and tell her I'd rather slam my dick in a car door but I have to keep playing nice (for now).

Fuck this shit, man. I can't believe this is my god damn life now.

I want to hug her and kiss her and make love with her again but then I remember her mouth was around that asshole's junk. He completed in her mouth and she came home and kissed me with it. I had sloppy seconds for 9 months. But she LOVES me! I love her and I hate her. I'm walking cognitive dissonance. My attorney told me to get into counseling. I will. I think I need to. I just want to run away from her and towards her at the same time. Does that sound stupid? Am I going crazy?

Hi everyone,

Lately I have been feeling really crazy about this these past few months, so I am posting here because I have no one else to talk about it with in my life. Me and my gf have been together for almost 4 years. A few months ago, I discovered she downloaded tinder while we were on a trip and deleted it shortly after. We had been experiencing intimacy issues in bed. I looked through her phone when she was asleep (I strongly regret doing this because I feel really weird about invading people's privacy, especially my significant other.) and I discovered she had also downloaded kik. Her reasoning for kik is that she installed it to recollect about a past relationship that made her feel shitty, though she created a whole new account with an email starting in D, so maybe she deleted it? Though the reasoning for this was strange, because kik deletes messages. She had previously been really weird about me even being on instagram, which made no sense to me because she would remain active on instagram although I deleted it. When I went onto her instagram, I discovered she had blocked me from viewing her stories. She had also had a close friend on her instagram that was liking her selfies she posted on her close friends story, that I couldn't view. This close friend and her had a fling in the past. She had dmed him before, but I come to find out her and his conversations had been deleted entirely. When I brought this up, she blocked him because she thought I was feeling uncomfortable. She had also talked with someone on her spam who tried to hit her up, and didn't even mention she had a bf, just said "lmao your crazy" and then "pass" afterwards.

Sorry if this is not pieced together in the best way. Am I being overly paranoid & overbearing or am I justified in thinking she may have done something in the past, and is not telling me?

(For some back story I'm 21, spouse is also 21. AP is 30. Been together for 4 years and married 2)

Earlier this year I found out my husband had an emotional and somewhat physical affair with a coworker during our separation. We are young and had some issues that lead us going for a divorce at the time. Anyways, he said it meant nothing to him, said he needed it for attention and felt she was the only one who understood him during that time. He confessed that he didn't want to think about me because of the anger he felt towards me asking for a divorce. We were able to repair our relationship two months after I asked for the divorce and it took me 8 months to find out what he did. I want to make it work but I'm not sure how I can move past this. They were still somewhat in contact when we reconciled, he even went as far as to Google "the difference between love and obsession" for her while we started to get back together. He said he dropped her because he realized that's not what he wanted. Even said that once he stopped talking to her, he had stopped feeling emotional about our almost divorce.

He's been trying to improve himself. He asked to do marriage counseling as well as letting me access his socials when I ask, as well as calling more often and sleeping on the phone with me. He also lets me be aware of what he's doing all day.

What's the best advice you have for me?

My wife has lost her mind. Clearly for her to commit multiple affairs while married is the first sign, but: I just got confirmation of a third man. At this rate, whether it is three men or 13, she has serious problems.

The current AP, I mentioned in my original post, is a coach for my one son’s baseball team. My son, 13, has been telling her - before he had confirmation of this affair, that he didn’t want to play this year. It’s a travel team and the team played over 100 games last year. He told her he would like to play AAU basketball this spring and start lifting weights because he wants to play football as a freshman next year when he starts high school.

He told her that back around Thanksgiving. My wife and I have always told our boys if they want to play a sport, we will support them - but, as long as they know, once the season starts they need to be committed to the team and couldn’t quit. Not sure how my wife can believe that, but looks at our marriage vows and her faithfulness as optional, but I digress.

Both of my older boys found out about the current affair over Christmas break. The AP’s daughter is friendly with my oldest; they attend the same high school. My oldest son, 15, got a call from her a few days after Christmas. The daughter heard her parents fighting and kept hearing my wife’s name. So the daughter confronted the mother and the mother, who caught my wife and her husband together, told the daughter everything. She then called my son and filled him in. My son opened up to me about all of this over MLK weekend and that is how my two oldest know about all of this.

Once my 13 year old, who had his suspicions and wasn’t comfortable with how he saw his mother and the AP interact, got confirmation that his suspicions were correct - he said that he was definitely done playing. That message was clearly conveyed to her by me, my son, and I asked my attorney to put it in writing as well, that he made his decisions and to leave it alone.

I have my kids for the weekend and my son came to me last night before bed. He looked down when I picked him up after school and asked him what was wrong but he initially said nothing. So, after he brushed his teeth, he came to my bedroom before bed and told me that my wife has been badgering him the last two nights about still playing. She said he committed to this team and he is going to let everyone down. Can you imagine how out of touch she is? He doesn’t want to play this year and he definitely doesn’t want to be around her new lover or a relationship that is the cause of two families and six kids getting chopped up!

So, I’m going to court over this because kids have rights and she is clearly harassing him at this point. I told my wife, several times already, as this has been a discussion between the two of us for the last two months - leave him alone. He doesn’t want to play and he definitely does not want to play now that he knows the truth about her adulterous behaviors. She is digging herself a hole, but my son is hurting enough over the divorce that he doesn’t need to be pressured into playing on a stupid team. It’s actually sick how out of touch she is with everyone and everything. She is blinded to her affair in so many ways.

I (42f) have been divorced for 4 months from (48m) now after I filed in May 2023 because I learned and he proudly admitted to have an affair with our mutual family friend for an undisclosed period of time, during the separation I learned of 8 other affairs.

Last night a friend of mine suggested I get on FetLife to explore parts of my sexuality that were stiffled and ignored for my exhusbands preferences. And I came across his profile. He has had an account for 11 years. 11 years ago I was going through a severe bout of depression and was in intense therapy where they were messing with my medication so many times that I was put in the hospital due to it interaction he only visited me once which I thought was fine because he had our children only to learn from my mother who visited me that she was taking care of our kids so that's again the betrayal hit hard because I was in the hospital trying to get better and he was out and about.

his activity on the app shows interactions of liking/comments on photos and creating a timeline of more distrust and dishonesty. Each and every time something happened with myself or the kids or just an overall stressful situation when we were married he would have activity on this app.

And everyone says narcissists go to feed their need and find new supply and I truly feel that he is a narcissist even though he continues to say I am which if I am then I need more therapy and I've been in constant therapy since I learned of his most recent affair.

While I am so happy to be free after 18 years, it still stung. I was faithful and committed and I loved him to my core, so this was a fresh cut after my marriage ended from 1000 others.

EDIT: it seems that people don't understand that this relationship is over now and I will never be going back into it.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 11 years. Around five years in, I caught my girlfriend on Snapchat talking to another man. When I confronted her about it, she said that she wanted to just leave me and separate, and that was the end of that for about 2 or 3 weeks. And we didn't talk for about two or three weeks until she decided that she wanted to come back. She told me that she was very sorry, and she apologized, and it would never happen again. And I believed her, and we went on to having a great relationship after that for a few years. Life was really good and I honestly knew she loved me.

After that, about another three years after that, a year after we bought a house together, she said one day she was going to get her haircut with her sister, she just disappeared and stopped talking to me and never came home and like 10 hours later told me she was leavinf me and didnt want to be with me. So she left me and she moved out and she had her own apartment for a few months and did her own thing. Eventually we talked and started hanging out again and after like three four months we decided to try to make our relationship work again.

Everything was pretty great for about two years maybe three years. We were deeply in love and we decided that it was the time in our relationship to have a baby. Before we had a baby, we had a big talk about commitment and how having a baby would mean that we were going to, no matter what the problem was or anything like that in our relationship, our commitment was that we were going to try our hardest and try to take every avenue to fix our relationship before calling it quits. That's what we said and we were both very in love at that time I fully believed her commitment.

When our son was finally conceived and my girlfriend announced to me that she was pregnant, we were two of the happiest people on the planet. I couldn't have been happier. The whole time she was pregnant, we were both very happy. And for about a year and a half of our sons life I thought life was perfect, we were very happy together I thought and I loved being a father.

Life felt so good and I thought I was the luckiest man on earth.

Then I start to feel something weird in the relationship, she's getting frustrated at me a lot, being annoyed by me, not wanting to do anything really. I thought this was a rough patch because being new parents is hard and I read a lot of places that it is common to feel like you have literally no fun in your relationship and it feels like a lot of work to be parents and take care of baby and the house and all that. So I talked to her about it. She starts telling me that she doesn't think she loves me anymore, she doesn't think that she sees a future with me, and she doesn't want to be with me. Then a week later we go from that to talking about how to fix our relationship and I ask her and she says that she wants to fix our relationship, and she wants to see couples therapy. Well, I offered couples therapy, and she agreed.

I ended up being very suspicious of all of this and the way that she was acting to me. And based on our past history, I had some trust issues. I checked her phone this morning and confirmed that she was cheating. All the times in the past few months she said she was going with her friend from her last job, she was actually going to see a guy, a friend she knew from before we met. And I was always saying, yes, go see them, that's no problem, I'll take care of our son and that I'm happy that you're having fun with your friends, I thought that it was great she was finally having more time with her friend because she almost never went to see her friends. I always encouraged her to go and anytime she asked if I wouldn't mind watching Joshua while she went to hang out.

I confronted her about it, and I found out during that, that they've been having sex together also. . And was having sex with him. She blamed me and said it was because that every time she told me that she didn't love me I just kept trying to explain to her my feelings and why I didn't think the relationship was working and what we could do to fix it and she felt like I just wouldn't let her leave and she felt trapped but that makes no sense to me because if she felt trapped and she was using cheating as a way to get out of the relationship she would have did it and told me about it so I would leave her, but instead it's been going on for like 7 months and she never said anything and she lied to me every single time and even when I confronted her about it and I knew I told her I knew about it she still denied it so what she's telling me is just complete garbage.

I literally don't even know why I am writing all this. I'm lost. I'm in pain. My heart is broken for myself but even more for my son who has had hos life changed forever, he deserves to have a family that's together and in love and in his house with all his things and his own room. Not being switched from me to her and back and forth like soke piece of property we are sharing. He deserves a family.

And it hurts me so bad that she's literally doing this with some who is going to hurt her. If a person knows you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and a 2 year old son and they enable you to cheat, that person is a piece of garbage with no conscious and they will just cheat on you or leave you whenever things get tough.

She is never going to have someone better than me, she's never going to have someone who cares for her like I did or who was the father I am or who shared our responsibilities so much, I did so much around the house and always tried to support her and be there for her. My heart is broken for her also. I care about her and I love her. But she's going to experience real pain from all of this. Her life will definitely get a lot harder with all of this.

I wish everything was different and I am just so hurt.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know what to do or what to feel or how to process any of this.

Im pretty sure my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have caught him in many lies and I followed him to where he said he was gonna be and he was not there. and this has happened a few times. I was able to get a video of him typing his computer password in and was wondering if I could put it on here. I can't tell to closely but really want to know for sure.

Hi there

I’m not sure what to do here

I’m married, we have a 10yo, and I found out my husband really, really cheated on me. I was trying to find baby photos of our child on a communal iPad, and found a plethora of photos of my husband with other women, screencaps of lovey-dovey messages he’d sent them, photos of them at dinners, evidence they’d been in my house while I was at work or travelling or at my family… basically he’s had 3 actual girlfriends while being with me, and 2 friends with benefits. He was even messaging while literally getting married to me saying how much he loved them.

When confronted, he hasn’t denied it, but was all ‘I’m sorry this happened, but I’m not that person any more and I don’t want to lose you.’ There was a time that I did leave for unrelated issues (he’s very emotionally unavailable to me and was resistant to be seen with me, be with me, talk with me, etc) so I left to regather. He’s saying that taught him that he doesn’t want to lose what he has, but I’m really struggling. When I returned, I asked if there was anything I should know, let me know now it’s not going to change anything but we should work through it now - and he said no. I found out after this. I can’t just be with him without worrying it’s going to happen again. It’s consuming everything and I can’t be relaxed and intimate with him without a panic attack on why I’m not good enough, what’s wrong with me, why am I so awful that he’d prefer literally anyone else. He’s adamant that he’s changed and it was all ego and that’s not what he’s interested in any more, but I’m still like ‘but why?!’ I have a higher drive than he does, I’m down for much more than he is, and I didn’t (at that point) need someone to be always romantically there - I value my independence and respect his.

Basically, what do I do? I can’t make sense of it all and I don’t understand how this happened, and it hurts. I can’t look at him without seeing selfies he took with other women, I can’t go anywhere with him without wondering who else knows (his friends and some of his family knew and didn’t tell me and/or covered for him) and I’m just a miserable person at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice or tips or words of encouragement? What do I do?

long story short I was cheated on about 3 years ago. I confronted her, got her side of the story… decided at the time I was content with that and worked to come to terms with what happened and move on.

Fast forward, progressively more and more I get accused of shit - this stems from who I follow, who I work with etc etc. Having girls in my “back pocket”, cheating, talking with other girls. I’m at a point where I think these accusations are purely because she hates the fact that she is the one that’s cheated, and she doesn’t want to be the only one in the relationship that’s cheated so she desperately wants to find a situation she can relate to it. Often I will make comments in defense like “I know what it feels like I would never do that to you”. She hates these comments, and says I’m bringing it back up and trying to make it about me.

Every time I’m accused, I think back on the cheating and specifically the story I was told at the time - and the fact that more and more I think the story is actually bullshit and I was naive to accept it… something else is being hidden and I was lied too is my gut feeling now. I’m starting to feel like a mug, accepting the story at face value… and even more a mug accepting the story and then taking on the chin continuous accusations/arguments and insecurity with NO basis what so ever.

I can’t ask her - “bringing it up again” will cause a massive argument. And she will tell me the same story.

WOULD YOU go and ask the other person direct what actually happened?

And if the answer was wildly different to the story you accepted - what would you do?

Edit: yes I know, “why did I stay???”… a variety of different reasons. And I DID move past it. Yes it hurts, but I moved past it. It is the accusations that make me think back on it, and the story I was told. I want more info but I know I’m not gonna get it from her - DO I ask the other person? If it’s more than what I was told - I’m leaving.

I have days sometimes a few in a row where I don’t replay the betrayal and the I don’t knows in my head. I am so confused why he can’t tell me all the truth. Why he can’t see what he has done. Why he can’t get the help he should. I seek out all answers and advice and therapy. I feel like I’m going crazy trying to piece together the things I will never know. It consumes me some days and the tears flow and some stop for hours. My eyes sore and raw from pain flowing from me. How did you all get through this? Why do I still love him? I feel I can’t focus. Simple things are too complex for me to do now. Like I lost myself and I’m stuck here trying to just make it through the day. I want him to tell me what this has done to him to us and to me. I want a letter. I want him to show me he has understood the depth of hurt he has caused and that somehow I can believe he understands. I’m scared to ask this because if he doesn’t get it am I done? Will that be the straw the final blow that shows me I’m not enough. What did you ask of your spouses as boundaries and your needs after there affairs. What am I missing? Need the advice please

I have been so miserable since realizing my relationship will no longer work. He continuously cheated on me and didn’t treat me as I should have been treated during our relationship but I really thought he was sincere. I thought the things he told me true. I believe they may have been, even if they were fleeting, I think in the moment he may have felt the way he told me he felt. But he doesn’t feel the same for me. It’s obvious not only with his actions but also his inactions.

I feel so alone. My entire reality was false. I feel so betrayed but also so sad. I know all of this mentioned is familiar feelings for you all. I acknowledge all of your pain when feeling mine.

I wish moving on was easier. Maybe knowing all this now is better than if he ended it before he cheated. At least now I know I’m scum to him so much so that he could do this. If I hadn’t been treated this way, maybe I thought this would work. I’m not delusional anymore.

I deserve the love I give and I can’t keep wasting time on people who don’t give me what I deserve.

Hi!

I was hoping to get some insight as I feel lost if I should be upset in this situation or not. My partner and I have been together for almost a year now and just recently had a fight about the fact that I found him looking on only fans. He stated that it was only because of some guys at work were playing fuck marry kill, and he was only using Only fans to find girls. I chose to believe and just stated my discomfort around only fans. Just this morning I was borrowing his phone and it was opened onto photos, and I saw that he had screen recorded a girl from Only fans. I’m not sure how to go about confronting him about it as I’m already feeling quite hurt. I also keep wondering if it is something I should be upset about.

I would like to highlight the fact that I don’t mind porn and such, we’ve even watched it together before, I just am more uncomfortable with Only fans as it feels much more personal.

Any help would be appreciated

I keep having nightmares and wake up knowing I’ve been crying out in my sleep. I’ve barely cried about the breakup this time. I guess bc I know it was his fault for cheating, it’s just weird having such a constant ache and disappointment / sadness I feel. Part of me also wants him to reach out. My heads a mess

Hi Friends - I'm hoping for some help in how to have less anxiety in my new relationship.

I found out my ex-fiance was cheating on me at my bridal shower nearly 3 years ago. I have gone to lots of therapy since then to work through the trust issues I have from that situation.

I've been dating since about 1 year ago, and started dating someone in late fall - he made our relationship official after a couple of months. He is wonderful, kind, honest (most important here), a good communicator and we're both happy together. Problem is, I have deep anxiety about being discarded the way my ex did, any subtle change in my new relationship (example, he greets me with 2 kisses instead of 3, or we had sex 3 times this week instead of the 5 we had last week, stupid, I know), I have myself convinced something bad is about to happen.

I have communicated my fears and anxiety to him, and he's been so understanding, patient, kind and gives me reassurance, but that doesn't always put my anxiety at bay.

I'm sure this is a normal reaction, but does anyone have any advice on how to navigate new relationships after being with a pathological liar and cheater?

My wife cheated on me 3 times I know of. 1st time was when we separated a few weeks. She said it was OK because we weren't together. 2cd time was when I was in treatment she stopped by crying said it was her birthday and was was going to find someone for sex. She left. 1st one I didn't like but didn't raise the issue. 2cd one I was so shocked I just stood there. I assume she went throw with it and did it. What a chump I was.

3rd time I just knew something was up. Checked her phone and found a odd man's name. Called it and some Mexican guy answered. I hung up. I had my answer I finally blew up and accused her. Denied it for an hour then admitted it. Said it was my fault for drinking. I said I wanted divorce. She said to have sex with someone else and we were even. After a few days we stopped arguing and I just went silent. I stayed there for a year wallowing and meeting strange online people for sex. Men and women. All the time I was building up my strength to divorce. I did have sex with her one time in the year. She took me staying as I had forgiven her and all was well. I didn't forgive her for the first two times and was in no mood to forgive anything She begged again to stay but I said no and we divorced. I always knew I had feet but finally found my spine. I was a mess. I started living my life and was happy. Now after 18 years a out of the blue all the pain and hurt came back. I am obsessed by it. I made a appt for therapy. Cheaters just dont know the damage and hurt their few minutes of pleasure causes. I will be fine.

My boyfriend (m27) cheated on me (f26) after his friends funeral. He was drunk and went back to her house where she initiated knowing I existed.

This was 2 weeks ago however I just found out 2 days ago. I work away for a month at a time and I still have just under 2 weeks left away. He didn’t want to tell me until I got home but the guilt was eating him up and I knew something was up so now I’m here trying to deal with this away from home.

I couldn’t of trusted him anymore and never had any doubts when he was being off with me, cheating wasn’t even something I had considered.

I just don’t know what to do. Is he in a self destruct mode (we have a lot more going on right now that we’re dealing with financially etc) am I just making excuses for him? I can’t see myself with anyone else and at this point I just don’t wanna be alive

I just feel disappointed, little to no anger. I’ve still been calling as I’ve struggled mentally being away before even finding out about this.

He’s not one to lie and he’s answered every question I’ve had about the situation. I’ve been cheated on so much times in the past I really thought this was the one and I think he’s even surprised himself that he’s done it.

Don’t even know what I’m writing at this point just a rant. I’ve not eaten or slept I feel insane dealing with it through humour and manic

My WH’s AP is the mother of a child in our kid’s class. It’s a small private school with a rule about inviting all children in the class to birthday parties. We are in R and 4 months post DDay and she has made multiple attempts to reach out to my WH since then. Yesterday, we received an evite to her kid’s birthday party. I know there is that rule about inviting all kids, but I was still shocked to see it. We have asked her to leave us alone many times and last time we sent her attempted contact to her husband to try and put an end to it. I guess I would have assumed that we would have been left off the party guest list and seeing the invite was kind of triggering.

I’m so angry at my WH for making the simple act of RSVPing to a party this complicated. I wish she had just left us off the guest list. I know it’s crazy but I feel like pushing this choice on me is part of AP’s games. I was not planning to invite them to my child’s party…I wouldn’t put it past her to accept the invitation.

Is this simply AP following school rules or is this part of her continued attention seeking campaign? Am I reading too much into this?

Do I reply no, or not reply at all? Would my replying no give her satisfaction? Do we go so as to not punish our daughter and also show our R solidarity and that she can’t bully us?