AP’s name is a common word, on buildings, street signs, songs, vehicles, and commercial, no matter where I look, I see her name. It’s a guarantee that I’ll come across it at least once a day, though most days, I probably see it five times or more. My boss even drives a vehicle with her name plastered on it, as the model shares her name.

A word that once blended into the background, something I never noticed, now flashes like a neon sign. I know it’s just a word, it’s not her, but to me it might as well be her. Every time I see it, I’m staring straight into the lies, manipulation, and abuse my WP inflicted on me. This word has become a constant reminder of the pain WP gifted to me. Closer to Dday, seeing it caused overwhelming distress. Even now, it still triggers me, though it no longer spirals into an episode.

When WP and I are driving, we often end up behind a vehicle displaying her name. I see WP tense up, silently hoping I won’t notice. But I always do. Sometimes, I pretend I don’t. When the vehicle is finally out of view, I watch him relax—it reminds me of when the affair was still ongoing. I would catch him in something suspicious, and though I knew deep down what was happening, I lacked proof and didn’t want to believe it. So sometimes, I pretended not to notice. I would walk away, and he would breathe easier.

Overall, R is going well. WP and I are in a better place compared to months ago. I’ve done some EMDR targeting her name, and I think it has helped. But it still lingers as a trigger. I hope that, one day, this name will fade back into the background again.

I don’t know where to begin…

I am the BP. My WH— although technically we are not yet married— was sending illicit messages to a few people on TikTok.

I’ve been feeling it since last year that there’s something wrong. Although he always reassured me there was nothing wrong.

It’s the small things. How easily irritated he is, how he always insists he wants to go out and drink. It’s like he wants to live a single life.

DDay was only yesterday. The hunch I had plus the fight we had made me sure there was definitely something wrong. While I was reading through reddit, someone mentioned that you can retrieve TikTok messages and that was how she caught her significant other. I did just that. Praying to the God that I am wrong. But sadly, I was right.

Some were harmless, how he just wanted to be friends with them. Others were flirty— asking some if he can be their boyfriend on the side. And 2 were downright disturbing— one was dated September 2024 to a woman with a kid and partner as well asking her to meet up. The other one was this January 2025. New Year’s. We were together with his family then. Both he was trying to make plans to meet up and do it.

I was shocked to say the least. I didn’t even have time to be angry. I didn’t know he has it in him to do it.

Although, he never did it. Based from the messages, it never pushed through.

I guess you can say I’m lucky. You can heal from this, right? There was no physical intimacy involved. He stopped at his own accord. Also, we aren’t married. But we have a son together.

I talked to him about it. Sadly, he doesn’t have a clue or he won’t talk to me about his reasons. He is guilty, yes. But he was also angry why I had to dig deeper into something he wanted to forget. I told him you can’t do that. You can’t bury what you did. You need to accept the anger I am giving to you and deal with it if you want to fix this.

I honestly thought about ending it. But I can’t. I love him so much. He said he also doesn’t want to break up.

Has anyone ever experienced this and would be able to advise how we can move past this?

I am so hurt. My pride is wounded. I bought a house for us and planned to get married once we were able to move in officially. Now I’m in doubt. And I’m scared.

I just hope he doesn't cheat again

We've both been through the emotional ringer. It all started because he was insistently lying to me about the kind of relationship he wanted and the kind of man he is. Long story short, I tested him. He immediately started sexting no hesitation no asking the name of the girl nothing. Then after sending him all the texts he admits he did it but lies and lies for days about why until he finally admits he was just horny and selfish. He was nearly put an a psych hold by his therapist because he was so upset about what he did and nearly losing me. Finally it's been a week later. So many tears from us both. So much hurt and heartbreak. And now he's finally being honest. I always told him I'm being honest and expect the same. I asked him what he wants this relationship to look like. The relief when he said he did want it closed. That maybe he'd consider loose rules/boundaries later but right he wants to repair and focus completely on us.. I feel like he's finally being the partner I deserve. I truly hope he doesn't fuck up so badly again. I want us. He's just crazy fit and attractive and he's obsessed with me but I'm so worried this can't work long term.

My WP deleted all messages with AP before DDay and it drives me nuts. I’ve seen some screenshots she’s sent me, but I don’t get the full picture. I’m almost tempted to message AP and ask her to send me EVERYTHING, but that would be extensive and unfair to her (she didn’t know about the relationship and was the one to tell me what happened when she found out my WP was lying about being single, she feels guilty about everything and I don’t want to involve her any more).

I’ve asked my WP for details and he’ll give me some, but claims a lot of the time that his memory is foggy. Even then, part of me feels like I need to see it for myself.

For BPs that had to work towards R without the ability to have full disclosure in a similar sense, how did you do it? I feel like I’m going crazy. Him deleting the messages almost feels like him getting away with it while I’m stuck here going insane over the details I’ll never know.

Long story short, my wife left me for a guy she met online three months ago on Twitch. I thought they were getting too close, so I made a mistake and tried looking at their texts. This set off a chain reaction over the next month that ended in her saying she needed a weekend in our hometown to "think." She lied, went to a different state to sleep with this guy, and told me we were done, she only wants him, and would not entertain discussion. We are now one week post D-Day.

We've been together for ten years, married for two and a half, and have three young children. All of that, and she refused my suggestions of counseling or attempts to make it work. Our finances are a mess and we live in a very HCOL city, so we live in an apartment and have a lease for next year already set up. As a result, we will live together for the foreseeable future.

This guy's a manipulative PoS, and gaslit her into believing I was a controlling monster for not liking him and trying to read her DMs that one time. Meanwhile, he wants to FaceTime/Skype her literally 24/7 to keep an eye on her, even when she sleeps. He gets upset when he sees her texting anybody. Even when he goes to sleep with his main girlfriend, he just leaves the call open on mute. Oh yeah, my wife is his secondary girlfriend.

She is getting a lot of flak from her friends, who she had essentially cut out for this guy's sake. They all know me, and know I'm better for her. They're disgusted that she would cheat and ditch a ten-year relationship so quickly, especially because several of them have been cheated on.

She absolutely refuses any non-business discussion or conversation from me. I wrote her a letter marked "For when the happiness ends" that detailed my love for her and how I would take her back if she asked. She immediately opened it and burned it. However, from talking to some of the friends, she's admitting in private to them that she knows she made a mistake but refuses to engage with the obvious solution.

All of her family is dead or estranged, so mine is the only one she has. She has insisted that I keep quiet about the nature of the disintegration of our marriage a secret and that I not tell them about the divorce until it happens. This is because she knows they'll cut her off.

I'm trying to figure out a way to get her to see reason and come back. I won't hold it against her, and I will forgive her. I offered her a clean slate for both of us. My best idea right now is to insist upon a date night when we go to our hometown for our baby's first birthday. I feel confident that if I can get her away from this jerk's watchful eye and open up to me again, that she'd admit she messed up and ask for that second chance.

I'm not just doing this for me. I can tell her life is crashing down. Our kids will be better off with two parents who love each other. Our oldest when asked about marriage says that it's when two people agree to love each other and be together forever. He's almost six. I don't want his ideal of marriage forever crushed by his mother's selfish break.

Anyone have any strategies or tips to help in my endeavor?

I, myself, really struggle with forgiveness & what it even means. I still struggle with resentment from our childhood when I was the BP, I don’t think I’ve been able to forgive him.

I’m working on forgiveness in IC and am going to bring it up in CC as well when the time is right.

I can’t help but feel like my betrayal was 100x worse than his and if I struggle with forgiveness on what he’s done to me, how could I ever expect him to forgive me for my deceit?

Our history in a nutshell: Together 21 years, have small children. D-day was over a year ago now. Had marriage counselling for 6 months. He did want to initially leave and was certain of this, had IC beforehand before coming to this conclusion. I was the one who wanted to fight for our marriage, I did the 'pick me' dance.

He has not seen her in over a year but for the first 6 months of R he struggled to not have contact with her and would 'relapse' and reach out.

The last actual contact he had with her was november when he texted and explained he needed to be stronger at cutting contact. He did and he blocked her. She has her socials open, so looking her up online and seeing what she is up to is very easy to do. At the start of R, he was awful and not looking her up online, he would admit this in MC, that he was having trouble letting go. Our MC would call him out on that being inappropriate.

Anyway, about 6-7 months in, he had been making more of an effort. He confided in a close friend that he had to stop looking her up as it was driving him nuts. And he did, he didnt check for about 2 months but over xmas he caved and looked her up.

After that he again kept away for about 2 months and gave in on the day of our anniversary, it is so very hurtful that he thinks of her on the day of our anniversary.

Does anyone have similar stories to mine where R has still worked out? Is it encouraging that in some ways he is doing less and less? Because it was a lot worse at the start of our reconciliation?

Hello,

I’m a 29 (f) and last year I found out my husband of four years 33 (m) cheated on me. I never in a million years thought he could cheat on me due to several instances in our own relationship. Instances such as how long it took for him to show me physical affection, lack of confidence, and being celibate for 3 years prior to us dating. I always had this blanket of security due to what he and other people told me especially about our looks. I’ve always been told I’m pretty or beautiful most of my life. My friends and my husband would joke about how I’m a ten and he is lower on the scale. I never really cared about looks as I’ve never been with someone I didn’t have an emotional connection to. I don’t think I have a bad personality and I’m a very loyal person myself. What worries me is I’m trying to repair my marriage and I’m obsessed with loyalty and monogamy. I want a man who has only been with me and wanted me (been aroused by me) since meeting me. I day dream about it and think about it constantly. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get over it with my husband even though I love him. I find myself wanting a man (it doesn’t matter what he looks like, acts like, etc) as long as he only wants me and is attracted to only me. How do I get over this? I’ve been this way since I can remember and it’s so deep rooted in how I feel and think. I know it’s probably wrong but I can’t stop.

Why is it so difficult for my WH, to talk openly and honestly to me? 1yr past DD and that is our only remaining difficulty. He will not talk. When I have difficult days surrounding his betrayals and lies and just general ‘ how tf could he have done this?’ He will not talk/ reassure/ support me. He gets angry and defensive. He won’t have any counselling, because he says he’s too ashamed to talk about it. He says all our issues have now been fixed and we have to move on. I see that we could be happy together again…but I need to heal the trauma that has been done to me, before we can get there. For that, I need him to show up! I need to talk, I need to ask him a million questions. I need him to hold firm and weather the storm, like I have to. He says he can’t, and keeps saying that he’s going to leave. He has been this way since the very beginning. I’m so so sad.

Ok so when I found out it was through audio recording I captured of them together. Big mistake since I can’t get their voices from replaying in my head.

I can’t go to the street she lived on, or the fair because he took her there right after he took me. Everywhere I go with him I wonder if she might be out there and spot him..

I don’t know her identity, I don’t know ANY details about what exactly happened. All he told me is he started chatting on a dating website two weeks before dday 🙄 and it wasn’t serious it was just friendly and they only met up a couple times and did have sex. He has stuck to that story for 14 months since dday despite many different times I’ve brought it up.

But I don’t believe him, I don’t trust him to not downplay it, and he has straight out refused me when I’ve asked him to tell me more.

Here’s the thing, do I really need to know what book she gave to him to read? Or her name? Or what position they were in? And what songs they listened to? What food they ate? What she believed of their relationship? What does she think happened? What did he tell her? I just can’t get these questions out of my head.

And the thing is I KNOW the answers, I know they had sex. I have to assume it was the worst of the worst, why do I need to know the real truth? Does it actually help you move on or has it made it harder for you?

We've been together for almost 2 and a half years now, we just had an absolutely beautiful wedding in October of last year, and around Thanksgiving everything went to hell. It's been a roller coaster of emotions since then.

Was it an affair, or am I making myself a victim here ? Either way, we have both hurt eachother a great deal, and I will always own up to my part in it.

We've had our fair share of issues over the last 2 years, but most of them were petty things that could've been resolved through a simple conversation. Ever since we met, I've made it clear that I consumed psychedelics. Not on a regular basis, but it was a large part of my experience over the last decade. I went behind her back 3 times to get ketamine over the last 2 years, and she would inevitably find out. She hated that I used it, and made it very clear. We had a huge argument in the spring of 2024 because I was using, and I promised not to use it again. I ended up getting more the weekend before Thanksgiving, and she found out. She told me if there was a even a chance of me using it again to just cut off our relationship there. I really didn't plan to use again, but I did a few nights later. I came home from work the next day, and she was gone. I got a text a day or 2 later that said to consider myself single.

She ended up flying across the country over Thanksgiving break to be with a former acquaintance of mine that we've had issues with before. He had an addiction to ketamine, and has been clean for around 6 months now. She claimed she reached out to him to try to get me help and get some perspective. She desperately needed a safe space, and to feel loved, and i wasnt providing that for her. She also said that I havent treated her well for our entire relationship. Why would she stick around for over 2 years and marry me if I had treated her so bad this whole time?

When she got home, we agreed that I had to cut off my friend (also everyone that associates with him) who supplied me with the ketamine, and I needed to go to therapy. I agreed to the conditions. She planned to get a divorce when she got back home. Over the next month and a half we were pretty good, but we didn't talk about what had just happened much. She glorified everything about her experience that weekend, and would tell me how he was her best friend, and an amazing human. She saved flowers that he picked for her, but she's never once saved any of the flowers I've picked for her. She felt absolutely no remorse, and blamed the whole affair on me. She refused to see it as an affair. There was a few times where she said "how does it feel?", or "oh poor you". I felt like my feelings were being completely dismissed. She compared me to a physically abusive partner that she used to date, and said I treated her worse than he did. I've had my faults in this relationship, but I never once physically, or verbally abused her in any manner. If you ask anyone that knows me, they will say I am a very calm, gentle person. This comment dug really deep.

I was finally at my breaking point, because I felt I was carrying the entire weight of the affair. She took absolutely no accountability for the choices she made up until this point. A month and a half after it all happened, i asked her if she would block AP, and it turned into a huge argument. They weren't talking according to her, but there was still a chance for communication. We finally came to an agreement that we should just separate. During this argument, she finally took some accountability for her choices.

A few days later, I decided that I wanted to R. Maybe its delusional of me to want to make this work, but I couldnt give up. I fought and fought, but she was very resistant to it. Finally after a day of me trying, we agreed to work things out. I blocked my friends, and she blocked the AP, and deleted anything that had to do with it. She agreed to go to therapy, and also for us to attend marriage counseling.

She recently told me something (which I promised I wouldn't disclose to anyone) that she has hid from me our entire relationship, because she felt embarassed and was afraid that I would shame her. She didn't feel it was important because it is nothing she would ever act on if we are together. She told the AP and felt it was only fair that I knew also. Shes always prided herself on being completely transparent with me, but then tells me this.

We had a conversation about everything 2 days ago. I've noticed that when we talk about it, she get some what angry. Not yelling, but i can sense a sort of hostility and resentment towards me. She feels remorse for the sexual part of the affair, wishing it hadn't gone as far as it did, but it doesn't seem like she feels the same way about the emotional side of it. She desperately needed someone while she was so emotionally distraught from me betraying her emotions time, and time again from the lying, and substance use. She stated she did the best she could in her state of despair, and that it was a reaction to the way I treated her. She gets very frustrated that I want her to take full accountability for the choice she made because of the lying I have done. I've always taken full accountability for my actions, and never blamed her for the choices I made.

Yesterday we were watching a video on YouTube, and when she exited out of the video it went to a conversation with someone. She quickly pulled the phone away, and shut the screen off. She told her mom what she got me for my birthday, and she didn't want me to know. I told her what just happened made me a little uncomfortable. She immediately got defensive and angered by this, stating she is not a cheater, or a shitty person, and that I should just trust her. I told her I wasn't accusing her of anything, just that it made me uncomfortable. Her reply was that I always find a way to ruin a good evening. I was simply trying to express an emotion I was feeling, and could've used a little reassurance. Instead I'm met with anger and get a cold shoulder the rest of the night.

When we don't talk about these recent events, I'm hopeful for a successful R, but when we do talk about it, it seems like there is always defensiveness, anger, and resentment on her side, which makes me very ambivalent. I've been very intentional with how I word things, Ive been using "I" statements more frequently so she doesnt feel like im blaming her. I make sure that I validate her emotions whenever possible.

Sorry this was so long, I've been writing it over the course of a few days now, and im trying to convey everything accurately. I feel like I'm mostly just venting, but I'm also curious if how I'm feeling is valid, or if I'm just being overly dramatic ? Im also completely open to advice, I need all the perspective I can get right now. I just don't feel like we are making a lot of progress. I can't confidently talk about our issues or my emotions without it turning into an argument

For context: DDay was in February 2023 and my WP and I had been in a rollercoaster of a reconcilliation since then. It had stabilized somewhat last summer until he admitted that he wasn't sure about having kids and "apologized for lying about it for 5 years". We had talked about having our own kids and our future for the previous 5.5 years together. I don't want to go into detail so as not to make this post incredibly long, but that kick started a lot of drama and pain that left me with more trauma (note: he admitted the A and then lying about kids were both about his fear of committment from childhood and previous relationship trauma and has accepted responsibility for the pain he caused).

I had three check-ins with him this past month about my being unhappy and needing changes and for him to hear my needs. Since then he has been putting in a lot of effort to make amends. So it hasn't been a rollercoaster since then and all my grief has caught up with me.

We just this past month came to an understanding / agreement that we both want to be foster parents and we don't need to have a baby of our own to feel fulfilled.

I am still left with my trauma. Up until 5.5 years into our relationship, (and please no judgement or kink-shaming) talking dirty about "mating" and "claiming" was a huge part of our sex that we both found incredibly enjoyable.

After the kid question drama and unkind words/actions from him regarding it as an unhealthy coping/defense mechanism, I struggle to find joy in sex.

I get intrusive thoughts about not being good enough, remembering how enthusiastic I used to be, wishing I could get that back and scared if I never will. When I orgasm now, I feel it as tension in my shoulders and neck instead of pleasure all over my body like I did before the kid drama and also cheating. (that's not to say I don't enjoy sex at all, but nowhere near how much I used to).

When I'm up and moving during the day, I can forget temporarily about the pain and enjoy WP's company and love him.

But my brain associates beds with all of my trauma from the A, being broken up with for 3 months right after the A (had severe separation anxiety during that time. We got back together after 2 months of CC), then the kid question drama.

Do any other BPs who also have also had difficulties with sex after betrayal(s) have any advice or stories to offer hope?

I've read it takes 2-5 years to heal after betrayal. Does that mean it'll take that long to heal from the non-A betrayal too?

I am the WS. I had an EA with my college sweetheart that lasted about a month. We are 48 hours since D-Day, when my BS went through my phone and read my texts. He is very hurt and angry. As he should be. I am facing my responsibility head on and without minimizing or lying.

Our marriage was already shaky when this happened. We had been in counseling for a year. This is something I initiated. Our therapist left the practice but encouraged us to keep going and keep trying, because she didn’t think we were ready to stop therapy. In private, I encouraged my husband to keep going to therapy together, and he shut me down and called therapy a “punishment.” I had no idea he viewed it that way, I thought we were doing really hard work, good work, and I think that was the moment a part of me felt that he wasn’t truly invested in us and died a little. Again, not excusing the reasons why I had an EA. I never should have done it and I hate that it came to this.

Now to the EA. My ex and I stayed friends since we broke up, we were young and we simply never were compatible. I never had romantic feelings for him after our relationship ended, I truly thought I put those away, but I still valued our friendship deeply. We stayed friends for ten years. Over the holidays, when I learned he was seeing someone else (the first time he had seen someone since me), I felt unexpectedly sad, and I didn’t fully understand why. I tried to process it alone, but he continued to reach out, even though I asked for space. I ended up telling him we needed to reevaluate our boundaries, but we still ended up having a conversation that led to a more emotional exchange than I intended.

During that conversation, he told me he loved me, and that triggered something in me. I was grieving the idea of losing our friendship, especially because I valued how consistent, kind, and supportive he had been. I became confused about my emotions, trying to make sense of everything, and instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, I started seeking validation in an unhealthy way. The more I tried to process this alone, the more I started to rely on my ex for comfort. I said things to him that I should never have said, things that crossed boundaries, because in that moment, I felt seen and validated in ways that I hadn’t been in a long time. The EA was about a month long. We never kissed or had sex, that wasn’t what it was about for me. Again, it doesn’t excuse what I did, but that’s the truth I’m facing right now. As soon I was caught, I told my AP that it was over and blocked and deleted his number and deactivated all of my social media.

I’m not in love with my ex. I said I was, in those text messages I can never take back. I think I was grieving the idea of what I thought our friendship was, that I was losing who he represented to me, and that grief led me to make mistakes. I know that doesn’t justify my actions, and I’m not trying to excuse them. I’m here to take full responsibility for the harm I caused.

My BS agreed to therapy on Monday. I don’t know if it’s for reconciliation or for coparenting our little one. I started telling some people in our close circle what I did, without explicit details, including his parents, because at least for now, things are going to change since we have a little one together, and the first step is owning that I am the reason things are changing. We are only speaking about coparenting right now, and via text message. I am giving him space that he wants. I have nothing to hide anymore. I just want to do right, now that I have done wrong. And that means taking full ownership. I think want to reconcile, but I don’t think he’s there. I don’t know if we’ll get there. I am just deeply in remorse and doing everything I can to show that. I wish we didn’t get here. I know he’s deeply hurt and I never wanted to hurt him. He is telling me to sleep somewhere else for the near future but I don’t want to be away from our child, but I don’t want to disrespect his boundaries. That’s the one thing that is causing me deep anxiety, more than our impending therapy appointment. I am ready to face that head on without trickle truthing or minimizing or blaming. I am just forcing myself to sit in my discomfort and own, own, own. It’s not about me anymore. It’s about him, and his hurt, and what I can do to show I am serious about doing the work to heal. I blew up our marriage and I am standing by the crater and wishing it didn’t come to this.

Feeling pretty low and alone right now and would love some comfort, support, feedback, anything really. I have been processing, digesting, understanding, and loving my WP since DDay in November. Loving WP after DDay was hard and not hard at the same time. We were in such a strong place, and it felt like the right decision to move through this together. It was even more encouraging because at first, WP was extremely supportive and open to hearing any emotions I had as a result of their actions. I felt held, loved, seen, connected even when I was disgusted, heartbroken, and angry. WP had my back. But it feels as though there's a limit to WP's capacity for compassion and we have reached an impasse. At this point, if I get emotional about the ONS, or about unrelated heavy traumas I am simultaneously processing, it feels overtly and covertly like a burden to WP. I feel rejected, shut out. I'm told my energy is too heavy, told there's nothing to be unhappy about, that life has so much to offer. It feels like WP is not able to understand that their actions have an impact, and was hoping that the act of disclosing it to me would be the hardest part. The unspoken energy carries undertones of "why are you not over it yet", though those words have never been said.

I just feel so alone and afraid. I am starting to wonder if I really am just a burden, if my emotions really are just ruining everything, if I'm just such a dark heavy presence who is so hard to love that I bring out the worst in people. I wonder if I should be this hurt since it's a ONS and not a full on affair. It feels confusing and I don't feel like I have many people to turn to, because I've still been protecting our relationship and keeping this relatively private.

I've read stories about people's WPs being able to hold space when emotions come up months, years after DDay, so I know it's possible, yet I feel wrong for still being emotional at this point.

Just finished Stress Resets by Jennifer stairs, PsyD. It’s pretty instructional about how to deal with stress, ptsd, rumination, etc. It’s not specific to infidelity, but has been helpful to find strategies to cope.

I think it could be helpful for both betrayed/waywards.

Just wanted to share.

Hello,

I've posted my story and struggles on this board before and I've recieved a lot of help from the people on here.

Me and my partner been together 7 years and we have a 7 week old baby together she has decided to leave and wants to breakup and is currently living with our baby boy at her parents house. She is insistent that she wants to breakup with me even though when she was leaving she said it’s not necessarily over she just needs some space but a day or two later she’s insisting that it is over and that she didn’t say that when she was leaving and that she made it perfectly clear when she was leaving that it’s over. It’s been over a week now and she’s still adamant that it’s over and that she wants us to co-parent. I’ve told her over and over again that I don’t want this is any shape or form that I want us to be together and that I’m willing to do whatever it takes and work on things together. It was only a few weeks ago that we spent a lovely family Christmas together taking photos with our baby boy on his first Christmas and saying to each other how we see hope for the future and us being together as a family over the year ahead. A few weeks later and she’s saying it’s over and leaving and moving her stuff out.

We have our issues but I love her and want to be with her and want to be a family with her and our son and I miss them so much and I already feel like the bond that I had built with my son has now been destroyed and taken away from me by not being able to be around him 24/7 and by not being able to look after him, protect him, provide for him and cuddle him and change his nappies all day every day. It absolutely sucks and the best thing that’s ever happened to me has been taken away from me along with the love and bond that I felt for my son.

My partner told me 18 months ago that she had cheated on me numerous times with many different people in the earlier years of our relationship like 5 years ago. I felt like at the time she told me we had grown to become best friends and grown to become completely different people and there was so much love for her and each other at the time we did so much together and loved doing so much together, I felt such a deep bond and connection to her we wanted to marry each other and so I decided that I was going to stay with her regardless of what she had just revealed to me and what had happened in the past. She to me was genuinely remorseful and I had seen her mental health deteriorate massively over time not realising that these secrets were the cause of it.

To begin and for a while after she told me things continued like we were best friends and lovers who shared so much but then over time depression, anxiety, panic attacks, fears, doubts, self hatred, anger, grief, intrusive thoughts every second of every day and resentments slowly crept in. This time last year I was an absolute mess I couldn’t leave the house without having a panic attack, my heart had started to beat with ectopic beats from the emotional stress and turmoil and grief that I was going through I was so traumatised and haunted by intrusive thoughts and I was overwhelmed with it all and all the emotions of it. I was in the worst pain imaginable, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life and I watched my mum drink herself to death when I was 11. I no longer knew what was real, who I was, what was real about my own life and the person I had been with for so long. I was betrayed and violated deceived manipulated and lied to in the worst possible ways and I could not take it anymore and this time last year I was on the bring of breakup myself because I was so physically and mentally and emotionally broken… Then my partner got pregnant.

She gets pregnant and I spend 6 months straight in therapy just to stabilise myself even remotely enough to be able to function like a normal human being which I managed to achieve I still felt panicky at times driving and showering and leaving the house but I no longer was having full blown panic attacks. I still got intrusive thoughts etc but not every second of every day.

The baby comes and I feel like things are going well and we are bonding together with our baby and enjoying him together so much it’s hard adapting as first time parents and the lack of sleep etc but we are doing a great job together and I can genuinely start to see hope and start being able to see a future together beyond the pain and hell of what’s happened we both said this to each other over the Christmas period then weeks later she’s leaving and breaking up with me saying that there are too many issues, that nothing has changed and nothing will change that I’m withdrawn and cold with her that there is nothing good about the relationship that we should have broken up years ago and she doesn’t want anymore years of our lives to be wasted.

As she was leaving and she took our son from my arms I felt my heart rip apart and I let out the most almighty scream of pain and agony that I’ve ever felt in my life.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting and confronting things within myself since she has left and I think I’ve realised just how much resentment had built up over time and how much it slowly chipped away at our relationship and who we both were as people. The resentment and being a victim and all the pain and anger and suffering I’ve felt has made me push her away without me realising what was happening until she left me and it’s too late. I can see looking back how over time things like the amount of affection, attention, love, compliments etc that I’ve been showing to her and giving to her has diminished over the course of the past year.

I’ve realised how much resentment there has been and the impact and damage of that and I regret it so much and so deeply and I regret all the pain caused by my behaviours as a result of resentment and hurt etc. I regret so deeply and shamefully not being able to realise what I was doing, what was going on resentment wise and the damage that was being caused I wish so badly I could go back in time and realise all of this stuff much sooner before it really wore away at the relationship. I think I felt like the resentments etc were helping me with my pain by allowing me to put distance between me and the person who hurt me so deeply.

I’ve realised so much stuff why did it take getting to this point for me to realise all of this? I’ve realised how much damage the resentments were causing to myself and the people around me and I’ve chosen to let go of those resentments and I feel lighter in one way but worse in so many others knowing the pain and damage I’ve caused through resentments etc losing my best friend and my family , my son not having his father around properly and now going to be growing up in a broken home.

I have expressed all of this to my partner or ex partner all the things I’ve realised all the ways in which I can do things better and in a resentments free way all the really good things about our relationship when resentments and everything else aren’t getting in the way.

I feel more capable than ever leaving the past in the past and not dragging around all this baggage from the past and the cheating etc I’ve realised so much and realised exactly what is important my son and my partner and us being a family together I’ve realised things and I know I will never ever treat her or anyone else in such resentful ways again and that I won’t withhold love anymore and affection and compliments etc. I’ve actually missed doing all of those things and giving love and I am able to see her now more clearly than what I’ve been able to do for a long time I’m able to see her now for the good qualities that she does have and I’m not just looking at her through resentful eyes anymore and it’s such a world of difference.

I’ve tried expressing all of this to my partner and telling her how different things can be and all the deep reflection and soul searching that I’ve been doing and realising where I went wrong, why and acknowledging the damage caused by that and being so deeply and genuinely sorry for that. I’ve expressed wanting to be with her and working through this and being a family together and how we have the most beautiful son together and how happy we were in recent years prior to her telling me about the cheating and how I genuinely think we can get back to that place of deep love and connection and enjoyment of each other and doing things together in a new relationship together but with a little son by our side.

She’s still insistent on us breaking up and learning to co-parent together. I don’t know what more I can do or where I go from here can anyone advise at all? I want us to get back together and work on things and I know we can and I know what’s been holding me and the relationship back over the last year I’m finding it too painful us breaking up especially with my small baby boy involved it’s actually breaking my heart.

Looking back over the past year I don't recognise who I was at all it's like I was a different person and I've only just realised that. I love her and miss her so much I want to marry her and spend my life with her as a family I don't even recognise who I've been as a person over the last year but I know for a fact I've not been me I lost all appreciation of my girlfriend, the relationship, of life, of myself and I'm hurting now from the breakup but I feel like all of that has come back and I feel like a different person to the past year I feel like my normal self again and I can see that there are so many amazing qualities that she has and I want to spend every day with her building her back up after a year of not properly showing her love, affection, attention, compliments etc and basically neglecting her for a year through my own suffering and resentments. I feel more capable than ever of treating her again like I used to and I feel more sure than ever of the fact that I want to be with her I've had so many doubts over the last year or more about her and about the relationship but they have all gone I've never been clearer about what I want and

I've never felt more free from everything that's happened in the past I've truly forgiven her for my own sake as well as everyone else's. I've let go of the past I've realised just how harmful holding onto it has been it's taken all my joy out of life, the relationship, doing things, myself and holding onto it all has really impacted me and everything.

I don't understand why I didn't realise all of this stuff sooner and I'm absolutely destroying myself over it I wish more than anything that I could go back in time and do things differently. I wish so badly that I can have another chance I want the love of my life and my son back so desperately and I'd hold onto her and tell her every single day how beautiful she is and how many amazing qualities she has like I used to do for years and years.

I'm so sad, lost, depressed, in pain and it was only over Christmas that we were saying to each other that the previous Christmas we didn't have much hope and struggled to see a future but that this Christmas we both see hope and a future as a family together then a few weeks later she is breaking up with me and taken our son to her parents.

What do I do, this is hell I want them back more than anything in the world.

Any advice is much appreciated and apologies for the length of this post.

Really needing support today.

Background: My WS had a ONS in May and told me about it 9 days later.

He works shift work 12-24 hour shifts. In August he had an injury which has kept him off work since then. I’m the breadwinner and he only works part time, so it has not affected our finances at all.

He’s now cleared to return to work. He’s very excited and will be working a 24h this coming week.

I’m in a total tailspin. I guess I thought he would realize while he’s been off that it’s good to have more time together? Good to have enough time for our side business. Want to back off on his work schedule? I haven’t had to wonder where he is or who he is with for 24h periods, for six months and all of a sudden I am completely panicking.

We had a huge fight over this today. I cried most of the day. Now I feel completely numb. I don’t think I can live like this. He has been very caring and mindful of my hurt during this reconciliation process. I have forgiven him. But I can’t trust him and at this point I don’t really think I ever will. I also don’t think I will ever trust anyone else either. So I guess there’s no point to leaving him? I don’t know what to do.

i have been with my BP since april 11, 2023. we honestly had it so good, i have no clue why i did what i have done. in august of 2023, D-DAY.i got a message from AP. i responded, i said i missed AP. i loved AP. we had plans to go and eat. during these moments, i really think that my ego is what got the best of me and i didn't truly realize what harm i was doing, i didn't care. my BP at the time lived 3 hours away. there was never physical altercations, but the messages happened. AP was closer, but regardless this never should've happened. i got caught by BP's friend, when called out i wasn't completely truthful. BP did stay with me, is still here in our house despite us not being together.

friday will make a month since breakup. BP has brought up said AP in the past and i was afraid of the confrontation and afraid to tell the truth so i responded with "I don't remember" every time, all BP wanted was the truth and closure. i failed to do that. in 2024 BP moved here to be with me, despite this still happening. i have a lot of traumas i have had trouble dealing with and i am aware that i do have problems. i did something completely wrong and disgusting. recently, BP brought it up again and i struggled and it had to be pried out of me but it was the truth. BP in return of finding out the truth, retaliated and they cheated on me and actually slept with someone, to make me feel the same sort of hurt, and i did, and still do even after the next day, i was told it was a lie, but just to make me feel the same hurt, and it worked.

we had another fight last night because of this same situation and BP asking me again and i told the truth, even after telling the truth it is still hard for them to believe me and i understand. i have started therapy, i have not had anymore contact with said AP, or looked to fuel my ego by no one else than BP. i have tried to give it my all, and they are still hurt and i understand, i was told last night that we are completely done. it's hard to imagine a life without this person, it is very hard, they moved their whole life and everything here for me and that is why i hope and pray for R.

although they are still in this house we aren't together. it is civil, we have still slept in our bed together. no cuddling since the fight, but still side by side. i know it isn't easy for BP and i forgave BP for the huge lie about actually being physical because i want to mend things and i want to move forward. often i find myself beating myself up over it and blaming myself and spiraling like i have seen many others post in this group. i agree that i can't keep dwelling on myself and my mistakes because i am not the same person i was back then. i can only move forward, if that means it is by myself or if BP does want R. i am just trying to do the best i can and be prepared for both. if BP is still in my life, or if i have to be alone and start all over. i feel so much guilt and sadness and can only imagine the pain i have made BP endure, i am aware of my actions and have taken accountability.

*to add* an hour or so ago, she asked me to get her some ice water and make her some tea. despite all of this i am always there when she needs me. her asking in the midst of all this, even something small, gives me a sapling of hope and that maybe she does want me around?.. :(

Feeling simultaneously desperate to draw close to him and also withdrawn from him at the same time. Maybe I just wish to draw close to who I thought he was but want nothing to do with who he actually is. Either way, Im tormented constantly with unstable emotions. What can he do to settle my anxiety?

My boyfriend got caught cheating on me a month and a half ago. I was told by someone and he denied but then came clean. Once he came clean he then told me he had actually cheated on me 3 other times. Once within our first year, the second and third time during our second year together. He was always afraid to tell me but vowed to himself he wouldn’t do it again. He did it again last month while out drunk. It’s obvious to me he has impulse problems and deep rooted childhood trauma.

I’m sitting here realizing he’s been cheating on me since basically the beginning of our relationship. The way we became a couple was super odd and it was clear I wasn’t into him but after months of being together he knew I was so I don’t understand why he started cheating. We’ve been together 5 1/2 years and lived together for the majority of that time (4 years). I’m at a crossroads, I want to make it work so badly but I feel like all of our relationship was just a lie. It’s been so hard for me to stomach that realization. I just don’t know what to do.

He has been so remorseful and doing everything you would want a WP to be. But I don’t know what to do. We’re together and sometimes I forget what’s happening. We get along so well and compliment each other well but then reality hits and I can’t help but cry and rage. I just don’t know what to do.

Edit: had to repost, also clarify this was all PA never EA.

People that have successfully reconciled… can you please share how life is now and what makes you look back and be happy that you chose R; how long it took for you to get to this point and just any type of support.

Hi all

As per title.

Our marriage counsellor has asked what our goals are.
What do we want to achieve from attending couples counselling?

If you attempted to repair your relationship after the betrayal of infidelity - what were your goals? hopes? wants? .

Would love to hear from anyone comfortable sharing.

Sending strength to everyone x

***apologies if I used the wrong flair, I'm fairly new to this group fortunately/unfortunately :(

Dd1 was 9/16. Dd5 was 12/21.

I don't have any text messages or anything to look at. I know the extent of their relationship and it makes me absolutely disgusted. I've been struggling with my reasons for staying because they don't seem like good enough reasons. Reasons being he's my best friend, I still feel safe, and I like being with him. Love is too big of a word for me to say in regard to him. I'm not sure if seeing the proof would even do anything for me. The mind videos and games are absolutely disgusting. Sex, trivial things, flirting, etc all disgusts me because it's with him, and it's something he shared with her. The only left for me were my stupid titles and our children. Everything in between he did with her. Yup, even saying I love you and I miss you.

it’s been 7 or so months i guess since i found out about the cheating. i don’t know the exact date the infidelity happened but it was over the summer. it hasn’t been easy at all. i was told i got really controlling. (checking his phone, unfollowing only fans/promiscuous women on his instagram and twitter, asking who he was with and asking he doesn’t hang out w other girls alone esp with alcohol present.) and ive tried to be lax lately like ive stopped searching his phone so much . ive only done it maybe thrice in the last two months. but when do i stop being upset about ?? little things ??? when we play marvel rivals and he chooses a female character w a big ass, when he hangs out w girls or goes to pick up weed with them, when he talks to his friends who disapprove of me after his cheating…. when do i stop caring about stuff like that? when do i start feeling the love i felt for him before ?

Why do you continue to lie? Why when even approached in an a way that offers no judgment and no anger, do they keep lying?

I found out my husband was cheating on me on January 1st. (Sexting). Trickle truth .. DDay #2 , January 14th and confronting AP2, discovered an ongoing physical affair for 8 months.. ending only two months until before we got married..

Today, DDay#3 confronting AP#1 .. when I was told it was just sexting and ended before we got married… to finding out they met AFTER we got married, continued until January 1st when I found out about it. He told her he wanted to be with her.. but is telling me he didn’t mean it.

WHY. Why is it so fucking hard to be honest. Why put someone you “love” through this constant pain. How is there any love in that? How can I believe there isn’t more.. that this is the last bit of truth. Nothing came from him, both his APs told me the truth. I asked for transparency, I asked if there was anything else, I offered up my time and grace to hearing about it. I love this man so fucking much, he’s all I’ve ever wanted and I chose him.. day after day.

I need to know why the WW can’t be honest, why do they continue to hurt us.. just WHY.

So, OK. How do you do this? My husband did a cute little text with innuendo and it was like a gut punch. I have read only some of the words that he's shared with others and it was enough to be that feels like he's talking to one of his As or BDSM folks.. I'm not one of them I'm still reeling.

I guess it all checks out because to cheat and lie implies avoidance but wow. I coped with it before the A now I’m challenging it and seeing just how avoidant he is to serious topics about us. Yesterday we were talking about random life stuff through text and I mentioned that keeping low expectations in life is usually the best route (we were talking t about home installations etc). He said : for better or for worse, I’ve learned to not expect anything from anyone.

This triggered me and I asked, not even from me? And he proceeded to say he trusts that he will get things with and from me but it’s not expectation. I replied this was well said and I understood. I added that in a partnership it’s important to be able to depend on one another and have certain expectations such as monogamy, communication, etc. we ended up talking on the phone and he got upset that I was even bringing it up. Statements include “oh boy “ and “I hear you loud and clear” and “I’ve always been like this” and “why do we need to keep talking about this” and “you know me “. I responded I actually don’t know if I do which is why I’m trying g to have a respectful understanding of how he views life bc it’s important to me and I don’t want to go back to how it was. Low communication and avoiding discomfort. His response? Maybe I need time to be alone bc I’m always triggered. Maybe this isn’t healthy for me. I told him it’s healthy if he’s able to be there for me through my triggers. Today I am feeling like R is over and he just doesn’t have it in him to create that deeper intimacy required for successful R.

Other responses when I’ve brought up important things like triggers, feelings, needs, questions.

• I’m constipated I can’t talk about this rn
• it’s late, I’m tired, it’s not the right time
• I was in such a good mood and excited to see you, now this
• I’m starving can I just eat first

(All with a tone of frustration and exasperation)

He keeps saying I need to change the way I approach him and I’ve tried different times of day or week and it’s usually this same type of response. I understand maybe I’m approaching things wrong verbally. Or not reassuring him first. Does anyone have this experience or suggestions of what I might be doing wrong if I am? For R to work we need to be able to communicate and rn it seems impossible.

5 mos post D day on wondering why my WH pursued these other women who weren’t even attractive, he “swears” he had no real interest or intentions. And I saw where he cancelled lunch with one. He hasn’t even been able to answer the why despite being in IC as well. He finally settled on maybe validation, but I couldn’t figure out why he continually kept trying to make lunch plans with one only to cancel.

It just dawned on me today that maybe he only likes the thrill of the chase?! This came to me while finally getting brave enough to rewatch Mad Men and that seems to be the compelling drive behind the main character’s cheating. I don’t know if any waywards can answer if this was something for them. I’m not sure if this was already common knowledge and I’m late to the realization.

Now I have no idea if this truly was it, but in case I’m going to try to figure out how to let him “chase” me, even though the whole marriage thing is a sure thing. Good grief you get married and think you’re done playing games!

Conversation between WH and I:

Me: “With our 12 year anniversary in two days (Saturday) are we acknowledging it?”

WH: “No I rather not personally.”

I don’t know why I am feeling so gutted. We are currently separated, yet there’s still that chance at reconciliation.

For context: our dating anniversary was the most important date to us. We literally counted our anniversary months, every month, till the affair because we were so proud of us.

Last year he was in an emotionally bad place and didn’t do anything for any of our anniversaries, dating and 10 year wedding anniversary.

I had a small flame of hope that he would try this year to show me some semblance of maybe we can make this work, but this just extinguished any hope I had.

One day I would like to experience what it’s like to not feel anything. Would make this whole awful experience easier to handle.

I(41m) am a contractor for a large corporate office. My wife (42f) and her AP(53m) work in said corporate office. In my job I am in and out of alot of buildings. AP has since moved building and they are NC. About 3 hours ago I crossed paths with him. My heartrate jumped up to 128 and my eyesight became..... fuzzy. Anyone ever have this happen. I didn't lose my cool. Is this a good thing? Any similar experiences from you guys and gals? F.T.A.'s ❤️