I need help. I can’t tell whether this is me being really too intense and I need to regulate my emotions better, or whether WS has unfair expectations of me but I know I’m flooding him and it’s pushing him away from me when I need him to lean in to me. Or maybe a mixture of both. But it’s getting us nowhere.

What can I do that I can be less intense and avoid getting the opposite outcome than what I want? I know it’s breaking both of us and yet I can’t stop.

Dear community,

Haven’t been visiting here for a while (mostly because R is going really well).

2 years ago I spinned into an affair starting with the annual company christmasparty.

Now the annual party is comming up again, and it triggers my BS. I totally get that. And we talk about how we can kill that trigger too. I’m curious if anyone else has been handling something similar?

• First off: The party isn’t necessary for me. She knows that. I signed up and paid for it, because she told me to go to begin with. I get why she could have a change of mind, and she knows I’ll just “call in sick” to avoid going if necessary.

• I changed job 1,5 years ago. AP is nowhere near me anymore. Didn’t attend the christmas party last year at my new job.

• I won’t be drinking this time (my BS is 8 months pregnant)

• This party starts very early and ends very early - and I won’t be there till the end.

What else could I do to help handling this trigger? I know staying home is the obvious answer, but my BS hates limiting my social life too. Staying at home might be the right way initially, but we’re both working on mending the wounds.

Any suggestions?

I had an amazing 2 days until today something triggered me and I just spiraled. Yelled and screamed and everything and made a fool of myself. Just when I thought things were going good and I was healing.

I think about her every day for hours at a time (OCD doesn’t help). About how much better than me she is and how great of a relationship they probably had. Our relationship hasn’t even been the same since I found out, I became mean and irritated and have a hard time letting myself relax. Why would I when whenever I’m feeling chill, something reminds me? I evaluate every decision rationally instead of following my heart like before.

Our relationship is just doomed to be a cycle of things being ok then me bringing it up and being triggered and falling into self hatred. It’s been over a year of this and I know that it will be the same in 2, 5, 10 years. Like I just give up and I’m done pretending and hoping that things will be fine when it’s obvious that they aren’t. Like our marriage will be resentful like this forever. I don’t blame him if he were to leave me and start w somebody new, someone he hasn’t cheated on and won’t bring it up every good moment or compare our good moments to hers.

Good morning folks, new here unfortunately. I discovered my WW's affair just a few days ago and have already confronted her about it. She cut contact with her AP on Wednesday. By her admission the EA started a year ago and turned PA in the Spring/Summer. We spent Thanksgiving alone together, and ended up engaged in a lot of hysterical bonding. There were instances where she wasn't forthcoming with me (she told me she didn't know AP's address, I later found out she hid it because she didn't want me to go murder the guy, and consequently never see our son again. I doubt her motives a little here.)

She also swears she wants to change, but part of me feels like she only wants to save us to continue to afford the house. To her credit, she has started seeking therapy for us as a couple, and for herself, and has been agreeable to the changes I need to see from her to move forward. How can I work through all of these hard emotions, start our journey toward reconciling, and not lose myself?

We’ve got a young baby, and they started talking about a month ago. Basically, it was all flirtation, but then she met him at a hotel and they had sex. Before, it was going to be long term, just a sexual thing, but after they had sex she felt guilty, depressed, angry towards herself, etc. She was going to tell be but she was trying to figure out why she did it in the first place. She even started seeing a therapist to figure out why. Problem is I found out before so she had to tell me then. We’ve talked about every detail, how it happened, how it developed, etc. I just don’t know how to move forward. I want to work it out for our family, but how can I trust her again? So these things ever end in a positive result and the marriage lasts?

She’s been very remorseful, full of regret, and anger at herself. She’s reporting him to HR next week, looking for new job, has been seeing a therapist, we will start marriage counseling next week.

Today he seemed a bit down so I asked if he needed connection. He said he did. He also said he might be depressed. So I asked him to think about 3 things that make him happy. He could only name 2: Our 3rd child and the gym. He said that it's hard for him to go to the gym now because he has low days. All I said was that we all have days like that. Our gym is a trigger (edit - his last AP was someone he met and pursued at the gym. He proudly walked around with her and did not care about who saw them together). Per my therapist, it's good I'm going to the gym and facing it head on. I'm intentional about my presence and go between 4 to 6 days a week. I have seen his AP once and we do not go to the gym together. I've brought it up and he absolutely refuses it and always has an excuse. This sets me off because he made it a priority to see her/them at the gym, granted I was taking care of our home and kids so he could cheat. In my head, the gym made him happy because his other life was there. It's almost like a realization that I was just his child care provider and home caretaker. We're almost 11 weeks come Monday, since DD1. It's crazy that he can imagine all the things she did or they did, but he can't scrap anything from us. I'm really starting to pull away and I don't know what to do, or how to support.

So when WH says he's going to do something and doesn't what are your next steps? I asked him to talk to a friend who knows AP and find out if she's going to show up here or go home as she supposedly was diagnosed with cancer. He was uncomfortable asking and said he would 2 days ago. He said he'd ask tonight at the bar and didn't after being reminded twice. Things have been going well but he knows my anxiety is through the roof and did nothing because it made him uncomfortable. Finding out he was fucking her wasn't comfortable for me so a little discomfort seems small bit he was unwilling.

So do I stay or pack up and say fuck or or wait another day?

Unfortunately, I've been a lurker here for 8 weeks today. My WH confessed to two completely random ONS, but only after an STI scare after the second. I have no idea if he would have carried on having random hookups had he not had the scare, but I suspect maybe? probably? I guess I'll never know, because he remorsefully confessed and has willingly "done all the things" since then. He was in a really dark place and admits that he hated himself and the things he was doing during that time. He's been very remorseful. Individual therapy seems to be helping him. He says confessing to everything has been a weight off his shoulders. I don't think he was happy with any of it.

It's funny because in the months that preceded disclosure, I sensed something was happening, but he denied anything was going on. I was convinced he was having an affair with a coworker, so I was shocked, and at the same time strangely... relieved?, to find out that while I was right, I was also wrong.

So here I am. We are reconciling and I'm doing well. We are doing well. There was no EA and the sex was just sex. But that's the thing. I live in constant fear that at any moment, when he needs an emotional crutch, he will fall back on his old habits, because my reaction wasn't what he anticipated; he told me he thought I'd punch him, throw him out, tell everyone. But I didn't.

How do you go on when you wonder not IF he cheats again, but WHEN. Will I ever get to "if"? Will I ever trust again? How do I live like this for the rest of my life? Wondering if THIS time when he's running late, or if THIS time when he isn't answering his phone, is this THE time?

Also really hard, is how hard it is to hear how "perfect" we are, how "perfect" he is. At Thanksgiving, someone told me, "He really loves you." I thought, "Does he?" How sad, because two months ago, I would have said, "I know he does." He was the perfect husband and I would tell him so. Will I ever feel that way again?

I have come to the conclusion he had an online EA with a femboy, paid for a woman's nudes, lost feelings for me, is questioning his sexuality, etc, because of...porn. All this happened in a month's time. The weeks before this happened, he grew more distant from me. He'd choose to watch porn and jack off knowing I was waiting for him, sad in bed. This happened every so often but more the weeks before A.
When I caught him in the A, he was devastated when I told him I'd leave him. He was truly remorseful, told me he loved me. But the more I pushed for him to stop, he couldn't do it. It was like an addict. I truly believe that engaging in the EA had similar effects to his brain that porn use would. And he would be in contact with APs all day, so imagine watching porn for hours a day. No wonder he seemingly changed overnight. Once the A was no longer entertaining for him (shortly after I left), he dropped APs and that's when he began questioning his sexuality. How do you go from going after women your entire life and then, seemingly overnight, only want men? I already asked him if he was hiding this all his life, he said no. In fact, he said he never "thought of it". Yeah, you know why? Because you know you werent fucking bi or gay!! You can't lie to yourself about your sexuality all your life and NOT know you're lying to yourself. I looked into what porn use can do. It can lead to you yanking it to stuff you never would have before because you can't get off using the normal stuff you usually would. It's why plenty of straight men begin looking at gay/femboy porn even though IRL they would never dream of touching another man. Porn does that. It kills your brain, relationships, sex life, judgement, etc.

I discussed this with WH and he said he'll stop engaging in this content. We're still separated right now. I'm hoping that he keeps to his word and that he really does stop because I believe it would make a huge difference. I did so much research into this, I'm insane now. Literally I read stories of men stopping porn use and then boom, their brains go back to normal. I'm going to give it time and maybe consider moving back in with him so we can give R a real shot.

Yes I know this post is insane to read. I know I sound insane. I think I really have gone crazy but not because of the conclusion I came to. Ive gone insane with all the stress this causes me. I'm just praying somehow this works out.

It's been 2 years

I didn't post on our 2 year D-Day anniversary on 11/7. Mainly because I forgot what day it was until we chatted with our MC that day. Pretty crazy, huh? The affair does not cloud every moment of my life anymore. Never thought I could say that. I thought I would provide some helpful advice and general reflections for folks here. I hope it helps.

1. It can get better. But BOTH people have to do a ton of work. Sometimes, the BP is doing way more than the WP. Sometimes, the WP is doing way more than the BP. At some point, you both have to be able to look at each other and say, "This is really hard and we are really trying- even though NEITHER of us is perfect, we keep showing up." Blaming WP forever won't change what's already happened. It just won't. At some point, YOU have to heal YOU. Healing YOU will help heal the both of you.

2. BP/WPs: BPs will never ever get over it. It will hurt less. The sting of it is still there for me from time to time. And I think about AP every day of my life. At least once. It sucks. But if you're goal is to never think about that person ever again - it's not going to happen. It is a crack in the vase that may get glued, but the crack will always be there. If you are someone who needs to believe you'll never think of it again, that expectation needs to change.

3. BP - You may think you know what you want, but I promise you, it will change. DDay was the worst day of my life. Followed by the next 6 weeks of trickle truth culminating in full disclosure which was probably the second worst day of my life. Initially, I wanted to keep my family together. But what I wasn't ready to admit to anyone was, I really didn't want AP to have my husband. I was willing to do anything to keep that from happening. However, the more I healed, the less I cared about keeping him from her and the more I cared about deciding what type of husband I wanted for me. Beyond the cheating, who was this man? Did he have redeemable characteristics? What else was going on in our marriage? What else made me unhappy?

It takes a long time to come to terms that the marriage you idealized was not real. It just wasn't. Affairs do not happen in a vacuum. It doesn't mean the BP did something wrong or deserved what happened. But many BPs tolerate microaggressions and disrespect from their spouses long before the affair occurs. We rugsweep. We blame ourselves for our own insecurities. We wonder why we have such a problem with female friends and harmless flirting. It must be us. We are irrational. We need to lose weight and be prettier. We need to be more sexual and have more sex. It's us. Not them.

There are so many ways we betray each other in our marriages. I personally rugswept a lot of bad behavior from my husband. I also suppressed my own needs for a very long time in order to avoid rocking the boat. I was not truly happy in my marriage. Now, we are working on what we need as a couple from one another. We are truly learning about how each person works inside. Triggers, insecurities, how we like to be appreciated and loved, how we like to resolve conflict. And most importantly, where it all comes from. I love my husband today. I love THIS husband today. But, I would never go through staying again. He knows that. I know that. I also know I am okay to leave. No matter what, I will make evidence based choices rooted in healthy emotional responses and not desperate grasps to cling to something that was DOA.

4. BP - None of this is about you, unless you make it about you. The AP in my case was 21yo when the affair started. I was 42. She was short with a great ass. Pretty face - but not a bombshell. More than anything about her looks, she was available. She straight up told him she didn't care if he was married. She thought it was a competition. She slept with other married men in their 50s who would give her coke and money. She literally slept with 4 people at her and my husbands place of work plus random customers. The AP has NOTHING I want.

The question has to change from "What did she have that I didnt" to "What did her advances towards WH make WH believe about himself". It's about your waywards belief about themselves that needs exploring. Not your mom body or pregnant body or weight gain or hair color or anything like that. It definitely feels that way. I know. But it's not the right question. I promise. It is about how the AP made WP feel. There is a belief WP has about themselves that pushed the affair to happen. AP validated that belief. Stop making it about you, BP. It is not you.

5. BP/WP: IFS saved my life. Not a single therapy modality has helped me as much as IFS and I've been in therapy for 20 plus years as a survivor of lifelong abuse and family violence. My WHs betrayal sent me over the edge and 9 months after Dday, I was convinced that dying was the only way I would ever not feel THIS. I found a therapist who talked to me about IFS and how she has used it successfully to treat both couples and individuals struggling with terrible trauma. I took a chance and my entire outlook on life is different. IFS can begin as a solo journey for pretty cheap. At some point you will need a therapist though. We switched our MC to an IFC therapist and again, we communicate so differently now. We are actually in a different marriage now. And once it was clear that we were in a different marriage, I was okay to let that other marriage die. It was dead. But I carried the body bag everywhere I went. Now, it's just this one we work on.

Without IFS, I wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be doing half as well as we are. My husband has learned a lot about himself through IFS, especially as a recovering porn addict. It pairs well with his CSAT work and has helped him work through his shame. Doing IFS together has allowed me the opportunity to see WH through an empathetic lens. If I have parts that are super traumatized from my past, and I want to have empathy for those parts and help heal them - how can I not understand that he has parts too? And his parts are also traumatized and need healing? It's eye opening.

6. BP/WPs: Finally, I still angry. I am still sad at times. I still hate AP. I still think of horrible ways to ruin her life. I fantasize about running into her. I want her to suffer and experience agony unlike any other. But - it's all so much less. Less often. Less intense. I am mostly able to stop rumination. If I can't, I can explore why with IFS and communicate in helpful ways to my spouse. There are days I look at him and I still think, "You fucking suck." But I don't say it. Instead, I turn that conversation inward and ask myself where that came from. Which part of me is feeling that feeling and how can we acknowledge that pain and anger while honoring how far we've come. In other words, better is better than before. Not completely better. WPs, this is a long road were on with you. Many pitstops along the way. It is important to be realistic about healing and progress.

It is equally important to be consistent and patient with your BP, even when you've been on a good run and it seems like they've brought something up from the affair just to throw a wrench in things. We cannot help it. Our brain is working hard to keep us safe both from a conscious and subconscious perspective. It is analyzing everything you say and do against what it knows to be true and weighing that against an untold number of variables. The fear or further trauma is incredibly powerful. Our brains will do almost anything to ensure that doesn't happen again - including blowing up all of our hard work. In those moments, don't turn away from the storm. Ride it out. Stay with your partner. Show them you are someone who can protect your BP. Who wants to absorb the wind and rain. Someone who wants to be the BPs shelter. Do what you weren't capable of us before, demonstrate empathy. Step into our shoes. Feel our pain at the molecular level and whatever you do, DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. Give love and support and if YOU feel like shit after, talk to YOUR therapist or your marriage counselor. But DO NOT do it when your BP needs you most. You created this. You don't get to be the victim.

I truly believe that many people in long term relationships go through some form of betrayal in their relationship. It's the reality of a long life together. People can heal. You can heal. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. You get to decide.

I am wishing all of you nothing but peace this holiday season. I know how awful it can be. Especially if you are new here. You will be okay. I promise. You will find a way to put it all back together. With or without your spouse. Be kind to YOU.

Stayed blessed, y'all.

Had a talk with my BP today. Her anger on the situation isn’t going anywhere, and I get that. It’s starting to now affect her at work which is really hard for her because of the professional she is. I know she wants space and we haven’t really had it because how worried she is for my mental wellbeing. She said she wanted to be transparent and that she loves me, she will always love me, but she can’t see herself being able to get over this.

It’s soul crushing as I’ve been grappling on to the hope we can heal together and it has been my path forward. I know I need to work on self validation and I need to continue making these changes for myself. I made the choices I did and have to live with the consequences. I agreed it wasn’t fair that she’s the one I open up to, I don’t have anyone else besides my therapist and sister that I have been able to get myself to open up to. So I agreed we can stop all contact unless she initiates it. She said she’ll likely still check in, but man do I wish it was more.

Maybe space for both of us to heal is important at this time. I assured her I am using it only to focus on myself. I know her stance is she wants to be free and have fun and if the opportunity is there with another man she isn’t so sure she’ll say no anymore. I can’t blame her for what I have put her through.

I really will hold onto wishing for another chance to do right by her. It’s only been 3 months since DDay and the amount of change I have noticed in myself is insane to me. I still have so far to go and need to learn to love myself and get validation through myself. But my emotional awareness, and overall health has noticeably improved. And she even recognizes that. It just is so hard for me to accept that it might not in the end be enough for us. I feel like a completely different person, and I will always regret not starting my mental wellbeing journey 15 years sooner.

Tonight will be dark, but brighter days are ahead.

New to this subreddit after I found my wife of 7 years having an emotional and very sexually-driven affair over text and video with someone she met on a work trip overseas. D day was 2 days ago.

My life was everything I wanted it to be and I have a 5 and 2 year old daughter at home. I don’t know how I could ever not be with them 100% but I’m so broken.

The things I saw, the things she did, the decisions she made over and over to prioritize this random man over her husband and kids.

I don’t know if I will ever forgive her or trust her but I don’t even know where to start…

Any perspective is appreciated…

You often hear about trickle truthing and how there are usual multiple betrayals. My husband swears up and down that he only had 1 singular drunken one night stand. How many waywards can say they honestly did it ONCE and never again? I find it hard to believe… but I also don’t have the same mind as a wayward spouse.

I love him so much. It’s so weird that my love extends to overcoming betrayal. Then I start crying. He holds me while I cry. says it’s not my fault. Tells me I’m beautiful.

Then something that reminds me of AP occurs and I lash out with snarky comments I can’t help myself. He takes it. Says it’s deserved.

It’s all so fresh and I think he feels guilty for what he did to her (leading her on as an escape from reality in rehab). I find myself being ok with that and simultaneously possessive of his guilty feelings. Like no, those are mine.

He also displayed a desire to be intimate and we haven’t done that yet. I’m so scared to. It would feel like I’ve given everything. How did you guys do it? That body was mine for years and now it’s been shared. I want to be ready. I need him to get tested first and he knows that.

Anyway. Spending time together. Even if I want it to be light hearted for my own sanity and not talk about the affair, I can’t help but vocalize my triggers. I know it makes him feel bad. He takes it though. Is this grieving ? Is this realizing there is no going back to what it was, and R is going to be hard. Not the same way other things are hard. It’s difficult in an all consuming way.

One thing about questions. I have so many questions about the affair : what he told her about me, what he portrayed me as, who chased who , how he feels about her now….. and although I know pieces of those answers I don’t think I could handle the whole truth. Is anyone else like that? I want to know but I also don’t, cause in the end it’s his present actions and attitudes that count. I’m scared the truth would kill me more and I’m not sure it’s worth it.

My WP had an affair four years ago but I just found out like a month or two ago. I felt violated. She used to stalk me on my socials and I made things private before I even knew of her. But now I just feel gross and I guess want some power back over who and what views my accounts ? I don’t even want her to see my profile. I have put generic pics because I don’t even want her to look and see anything.

She blocked me after I contacted her on fb, but I use a few social medias and I found her and went on and blocked her.

Thing is I don’t want to give her any satisfaction or attention, so will blocking her do that or will it protect myself?

Am I over thinking this?

Just need to get this off my chest:

I recently learned that my WH's AP was talking about "getting a place" with him and making plans for the "future", would get furious whenever he couldn't spend time with her, forbid him to talk about me, told him she loved him, and essentially saw me as an insignificant obstacle in her way to get what she wanted - her next supply/meal ticket. Toward the end of the A, she was trying to convince my husband she could love my children as her own!!! They had known each other less than TWO months and she was saying all this!

I knew the AP was incredibly toxic. She's in her mid-40s and doesn't have a job, a car, a stable place to live (she bounces to whatever family or current man will take her), has a history of alcohol/drug abuse, has her children taken away when they were small due to neglect, has been arrested numerous times, and has no healthy relationships with family members or friends.

I won't rehash the A, but it lasted from mid-November 2023 to December 30th 2023 when I discovered it. My husband had been struggling with depression for over a year prior to the A, which was a large factor in the unraveling of things. Along with irresponsible medication dosing and changes. We'd been together almost 17 years (now 18), and married for 12 (now 13) at the time. Two kids (now 7 and 11), a home, established careers, and a solid history filled with joy, love, and partnership.

We're 11 months post- DDay today and I can honestly say we are in a better place in our marriage than we have been in a few years. Hearing this about the AP wasn't necessarily surprising, but took the level of violation I'd been feeling to a whole new level. The woman legitimately thought she could erase me and just take over after what, 6 weeks?!

**Please no side comments or questions about my WH. He has been a model WH in every sense and truly can't believe he did what he did to me/us.

I post here too much and I think I am about to delete it. This group has been so helpful and supportive, but I think I’m almost to the point where I need to stop ruminating and focus on moving forward.

My wife was trying to confess something to me and said she didn’t want to say it in front of the kids. They were busy watching a movie, and I said “did you cheat on me?” I honestly didn’t expect her to say yes, but she nodded her head, immediately started balling. She said 5 years ago. I demanded a name and she said she couldn’t remember, then said a first name “or something.” I of course said bye, get out now. She begged and begged. I said no, but when she was in the room getting her stuff and our kids were watching a movie, I decided she should at least sleep here tonight, if nothing else for the kids, and we can start discussing in the morning.

For a week she would tell me it was the worst mistake she’d ever made and regretted it and has ever since. After a while she finally used the phrase let it happen. She didn’t want it, but just let it happen. One night I just asked to know every excruciating detail, and her story is that she was just buying weed from this guy. He hit on her and that attention felt good because I didn’t give her any (which I didn’t. She had every right to feel like I hated her at the time because I honestly DID.) She kept begging me not to make her relive it. She told me that for about a week he would just bring it to her, sometimes she would drive to his house but he would bring it out. And then one time he told her to come inside. I asked her what exactly he said to get her to come inside. She says she doesn’t remember all those little details.

Once inside, she told me that he told her to go to the bedroom, and to take off her pants. She insists that she did not want it, but that I will never know the feeling of being under control of a man who is stronger than you are. That she may not have explicitly said no or stop but that she thinks she told him that she really didn’t want to. She says the whole encounter was really quick, and she cried the whole way home. I asked her if she thinks she was assaulted. She says she doesn’t want to call it that because she put herself in hat situation and didn’t do what she should have to stop it.

In my mind, she either knew what was going to happen when she went inside that day, or she was assaulted. She keeps saying “what does it matter?” And that even if it was assault she should take responsibility for her actions and how she can make sure to never put herself in that situation again. I wish she had told me at the time but she says I already hated her at that time so I would have dumped her just for going over there in the first place. The part that’s eating me up inside the most now is that nothing is happening to this guy.

I still love her. Despite everything, that feeling hasn’t changed. She was my first and only lover. When my fingers brush her skin, it’s still the best feeling in the world—so familiar, so warm, like home. Her kiss still makes me melt, the way it always has, but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. It’s like the spark we had has dulled, like the shine of something precious has been worn away. I want to hold onto what we were, to the love I know is still there, but it’s hard to ignore the shadow that now hangs over us. The question lingers—can we ever truly find our way back?

had to change my flair back to post. weird sub rules

probably the penultimate update for me. the next post will likely not be in this sub.

much has happened since my last update.

dday3 occurred 2 days after dday2. she’d unblocked AP1 and was in contact with him again. again, i had to confront her. more lies until presented with evidence. then came her anger.

she was still sleeping in our bed at the time and her phone would go off all night long as they texted. this was the worst of my anxiety. even when we slept in different rooms, i knew what was going on and it was enough to send me spiraling every night. sleep quality went to the gutter again. she outright refused to transfer jobs or departments and said she would miss his friendship. tried foolishly to get her to read ‘not just friends’

my IC has had covid and i haven’t been able to see her for nearly a month now.

i’m canceling MC. she validates WW’s cheating and feelings of freedom. when i mentioned how low i felt that WW had taken off her wedding ring and presented as single now, MC asked her how freeing it felt. they’re both still blaming me for her cheating as it was a cry for help. that WW engaging with men on dating apps was exercising her autonomy.

to this very day, WW has not taken accountability for her infidelity. she is still blaming me, again, for cheating and doesn’t believe that it is the start of our marriage ending. i tried to explain to her that i didn’t pick her AP, ask him to come over when i was at work, i didn’t ask her to undress for him, i didn’t ask her to share her body with him, i didn’t ask them to explore all the dark and intimate corners of each other. i didn’t ask him to come over again. i didn’t ask them to emotionally engage for months.

i don’t need or want her to say sorry anymore.

i try to hug myself and love myself. but it’s hard. i feel like i’ve got nothing to give.

WW blows up in front of the kids despite me begging her not to. they’re all walking around like they’ve got glass in their feet. their eyes are full of questions that their minds and voices cannot form into words.

i’m laying here. watching the ceiling fan blades and trying to follow one before i lose focus. i’m turned away from my daughter and crying as softly as i can so she doesn’t wake up. WW is in her room until she moves out.

filing for D the first of 2025. goodbye and thank you everyone for the support. i may comment here and there but my journey here has come to an end.

I cheated 8 years ago. It was a one night thing. I was drunk and selfish. I do not know this ladies name nor have I ever seen her again. I sat my wife down yesterday as the kids were at their grandparents and came clean. I told her exactly this i don't know how to say this. But, for 8 years I've been hiding my infidelity. I cheated once 8 years ago. Out of pure selfishness and insecurities. I was to blind to see what I have or had. I am sorry I hurt you like this..I'm even more apologetic that I lied for 8 years. And having a family with you. We were actively growing together in our fait. And if you're a believer God will put things on your heart and this has been the biggest thing. I have had on my heart ever. I will walk whatever path you decide. I am not expecting a fast forgiveness of regaining of your trust. I know I violated your trust for 8 years. But, if you'll let me I walk whatever path brings me back to you. If you cannot trust me and decide our relationship will come to an end. I will accept that. She asked me to leave to give her space. Last night she was mad that I went to a friend's house that she doesn't much care for. So I slept at my office. When I sent her a picture of my air mattress at the office saying goodnight. She said come home in the morning and we'll talk. I have been home for 2 hours waiting for her to wake up. I know I have to remain patient. But, man am I hopefull that we can work forward from this.

It's been almost 16 months since Dday. And I'm still having set backs. Although the triggers and dreams are getting less and less as time passes it's still infuriating that I still let this ruin my whole day.

Quick back story. My WW had a year long affair with a co worker. It came to a very abrupt end when I found out. We have been successfully in R since dday. I don't think anything else is happening. But I keep having these dreams. Before Dday.... I'm a veteran. I've lost a large number of friends in combat as well as suicides in the years after. For the past 20 years I've had a re occurring dream. The small details change but it's generally the same. I'm still in the military. We re somewhere. I'm a squad leader or Platoon Sgt. And I'm told to round up my people for whatever is happening. And I'm walking around looking for everyone. Not realizing they re gone. Untill I realize somehow, other telling me, or I just suddenly remember they re all gone. It's been haunting me for years now.

After Dday I started having a new dream that very similar. I'm at my wife's job, where the affair took place and I'm looking for her for whatever reason. Usually something good like I'm picking her up early to go somewhere with the kids. And I end up walking around her job looking for her and someone always says they jist saw her with X( the AP) and I'm frantically running around her job looking for them. I've come to locked doors with then in the room but have never seen them... and I wake up in a puddle of sweat, triggered as fuck, and my day is shot.

I'm to the point where I can kinda of mentally work myself back to feeling normal but someday go on to be really bad. Last night was the first one I've had in a few months. This time is not the facts of what happened in the dream that's upsetting but the fact that I'm still being affected amd that fucking person is still affecting me.... just venting. Trying to calm myself.

I was reading someone else's post on here, about the AP posting pictures on her social media. This got me thinking about the social media page of my WH's AP, 6 months before we got married. The AP has posted all their text messages and phone call logs in the days leading up to our wedding days/events, and messages from their time together. I logged on just now and noticed the posts went up from 59 to 66. I read some of them and felt my stomach drop. I have read all this before and it stopped effecting me. So what is going on how? How do I calm myself down? I feel like running away, going completely NC with everyone.

Reposting after I didn’t have flair so sorry if formatting is off!

Alittle over one month since D-DAY. long story short, we're both ~30, met in school and have been dating for 5 years. I found out over the last year he's flirted with multiple women (getting their numbers), sexted girls from apps/used CAM girls, and got a hand job from a stripper. For the past two years we've been having intimacy issues in that he just hasn't wanted me and it's destroyed my mental health. After being all over the dead bedroom Reddit I thought he was maybe suffering from LL (especially from his SSRI) until I found out all of this. I had spoken to him so many times and told him how insecure DB was making me (especially since he's my first and only) and he just pushed that aside. I specifically mentioned to him how sexual intimacy was something I wanted to have in my life and that I'm young and should be having it but I can't get it anywhere than him (because obviously I am not a cheater). He wants to reconcile the relationship but when I tried to initiate something to see if he would even bite, he rejected me so harshly and said he never wants to, I guess partly because I'm "always angry." I think I have been angry for at least a year if not more (I think DB is over 2 years with only a handful of times) because I have so much sexual resentment and I felt so cheated (and now cheated on).

When he called initially he said he does think we have to work on the sexual intimacy but yes, it's better with a person you love and he thinks he can want it with me. I want sex again, I want it with him, but it still doesn't seem like he wants me and I c keep going on with someone who refuses this - particularly after filling his own outside the relationship.

I really want to hear someone who had a spouse show up for them in the way I need my WP to show up. I don't really want to hear how pathetic I am in considering staying or in not ending the relationship. Has anyone had a DB like this and had it turn around after R? Or are we really doomed like everyone on Reddit seems to say? Of note, I have requested MC and he agreed but I don’t think he can actually prioritize it with everything he has going on (so it might have to wait longer. Would sex therapy be of any value once we do get to MC (if we do?).

10 years ago my husband had a 2 week affair with someone. They talked on the phone, texted, and sexted sexual videos of each other back and forth. They were planning on meeting in person but he was caught by my 12 year old son a few days before the planned meet up. I was 3 weeks away from giving birth to our youngest child when I found out. Of course he showed remorse and regret. It was awful. Horrible pain. I didn’t leave because I didn’t want my kids (especially a brand new baby) to get divided between 50/50 custody.

This affair was brought up in conversation a few weeks ago. My husband said that he feels like he was cheated out of cheating because he never got to have physically sex with her. I broke down in tears. He told me to take a joke and that he was kidding. 10 years later- it’s still a thorn in our marriage.

I would love to hear any advice or thoughts on this. Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me but I can’t seem to get past this?

My WP and I spent Thanksgiving apart this year each with our respective families. Although it was agreed upon beforehand, my WP became aggressive and distant. It appears that he’s mad at my family for not accepting him back at this point and no longer wants them in his life. Our MC and his IC asked him separately if “he wanted them in his life after their refusal to accept him back”, to which his answer is now no.

I feel like it’s ludicrous for a therapist and my WP to expect to be accepted back after such a betrayal in under a year. It was a 2.5 year affair and we’ve been attempting R for almost a year now. I feel like he should have an understanding that there are consequences to his actions and things are going to be different now, but would hopefully correct itself in the future. Anyone else deal with this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills

In something I read somewhere, the author talked about the "cheaters script" that they all say when they get caught. I don't remember it especially clearly since it was a month or 2 past Dday but it starts with "I had been unhappy for years" then goes on about the lies they told themselves to make it okay; things like I never thought you would know so you wouldn't be hurt, I thought our marriage was already over, I thought you didn't love me etc.

My WW and I finally finally FINALLY got to her full disclosure letter in MC on the 25th (11 months to the day after Dday and ironically 2 years to the day since she was last with her AP sexually).

MC called it an accountability letter, and while there wasn't as much accountability as I would have liked, it was the disclosure that I felt like I've needed for about 10.5 months, but that's another post all together.

Now it's my job to write a response letter. How the affair has affected me, how I've changed, the A's effects on our relationship... Basically what I think about the whole thing. As WW was reading her letter I thought to myself wow, she followed the script perfectly.

Problem is that I'm wanting to refer back to "the script" and I can't find it. Might have been on a web site, a blog, in a book... I've read Cheating in a Nutshell, Leave a Cheater Gain a Life, After The Affair, The Betrayal Bind, and it seems like a few others whose names aren't coming to mind.

Does anyone remember anything like what I'm talking about? I've been flipping pages and googling for like 3 days and it's driving me crazy.

Dday was 3 years ago. They spent a work weekend together 3.5 years ago, it was the start of their 6 month affair. There was no work, it was a ruse. They spent the whole weekend having sex and pretending to be tragic star crossed twin flame lovers in a beautiful touristy town where no one knew them. Her husband divorced her and she's married to a new man now.

And she just shared photos from that trip to her social media. There are no people in the pics, it's just the scenery. This means she still had the pics saved. This means she had to go thru them recently to choose the ones that don't show them. She put thought into this. She captioned it "That time I went to XXXXX over 3 years ago, OMG. But XXXX is a beautiful town".

What does that caption even mean? And what is wrong with this woman? She's remarried! I'm barely triggered, thanks to years of work and a remorseful and changed husband. But I'm still irked. And wondering what her motive is. I guess I'm just venting and looking for others opinions.

I feel like I’m at a point where I’m going to throw in the towel. It’s been 6 months and I see and feel no love. I have been sleeping in a different room for the past week or so. I just can’t be around her anymore. It feels so useless and painful. It breaks my heart that I feel like I’m coming to the end.

If it had only been sex, this whole thing would be a lot easier to get past. But my WW entered into a deep, emotional relationship with her AP. They had a D/s dynamic. She was able to have a relationship that was free of anything outside of the sex and emotional connection she had with him. No kids. No finances. No laundry. No piling dishes. No dinner. She lived out a fantasy with him and then came home to me where we had all the hard things, where I was failing. I had my own issues with postpartum depression, work, and my own personal flaws that I failed at being a good husband (which I own and am working on). It's no wonder the affair was appealing. It wasn't reality. I just wish she would see that. See it for what it was.

But those things happened. Things that cannot be undone. And now I'm left competing with a fantasy. We haven't been intimate in any meaningful way since Dday. I'm left with seemingly unsurmountable obstacles in restoring intimacy. If we decide to enter into a D/s dynamic, I'm going to be compared to AP, physically and emotionally. Everything we do is going to be compared to an unrealistic ideal that she got to live out for a few months.

Nevermind the absolute and total emasculation I've experienced. The complete and total destruction of my self-confidence this has caused. The complete and total destruction of my self-worth as a man and as a sexual partner. I will never live up to what he was able to provide. If I wasn't enough before this, I'm certainly not enough now with any semblance of sexual confidence gone.

Any book, podcast, and/or workbook recommendations for Waywards? Especially waywards with a traumatic and suppressed adolescence.