I was checking out my followers earlier, there is some new ones & it always fascinates me that anyone wants to follow this. I saw "777" and thought of you. Any time I hear a repeating sequence of numbers, I think of you. Looked at the time, it was 11:11 A.M. I used to look at your photo when stuff like that happened, and think you might be thinking of me, too. I'm so fucking deluded.

​

I've been working on myself. Trying to manage this need I have to be loved. To be seen and desired, cherished. I've hurt myself so much, trying to prove to people who didn't or couldn't give two shits about me. The Man is a broken dude who breaks women because he felt abandoned by his folks. I suppose the volatility of my childhood, my parents and their own loads of generational trauma, my "inheritance", is written all over me. Knowing things like this still don't really help a lot.

​

I thought there was something between us, something fated. Something special and sacred. And now I just feel like a dirty tube sock, again.

Dear God,

I know that you think that I am strong enough to handle the heartbreak that I've been dealt, but I am tired. This last one, the one still burning in my chest is too much. I need you to just tell me the lesson in all of this. I need to just know why he was sent to me with the power to melt away the world and leave me completely at peace when he touched me. I just want to know why his lips felt like they were made for me and why he smells like home if he isn't meant to be with me. I know that there is a reason that I am being put through this and I trust you. I'm just asking for the lesson without the flashbacks of him pulling me closer. Without hearing his voice or remembering what we had. I'm learning to accept that there is no one out there for me and It's really difficult to find peace with that while mourning someone who is still alive. I need this ache for him to be removed from me so that I can make it through this lonely life.

I’m sorry I wasn’t the person I made you believe I am.

I’m sorry I pushed you away when I was scared of you getting too close.

I’m sorry I made you believe things were okay when they weren’t.

I’m sorry I made you trust me when I wasn’t trustworthy enough.

I’m sorry I got attached to you more than I should have.

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep a few promises because I’m just not strong enough to.

Somehow, I keep disappointing myself every time I think of reaching out to you.

Lately I have been having so many dreams about us. Dreams where we ether get back together or almost. The dream always end you getting mad at me or not trusting me.

A part of me wishes I would forget you but the other part never wants to let go.

A part of me wishes we never met but part of me is so happy we met.

Many years apart and you still hold my heart. It's a secret I have to keep to myself.

Technically, this is still silent (in language), but not in action. You couldn’t just let our little connection languish; you felt the need to slam new life into it. Well, fuck that hurts. And I have no ability to act or speak on my behalf.

My cheeks burned when I saw “deleted” instead of your name. Yes, I’m fucking upset. Do you think I don’t care? About you? About this? About us?

I would like the chance to tell you what I’ve learned. I think it might heal something I’ve broken—not in me—that I broke in you. I don’t expect anything beyond you listening (or reading), but I do not want to disrespect your request for the mute button. This is not healing. This does not feel like flourishing. This feels like a fresh stab. I want peace, please. Don’t you?

Please? Find a platform that suits you. Let me speak.

i miss you. but, also, fuck you.

fuck you for getting back in contact with me when i TOLD you not to. fuck you for asking to call me. fuck you for ruining what me and my mum had going. fuck. you.

i loved you. i still do, i think. but i have to hate you. everything that is happening to me now is your fault. and i stand by that. im not delegating any of this. i was naïve and lovesick and you took advantage of that.

get fucked. i still love you.

E

Dear L.,

I have not yet opened your message - doubtlessly containing your latest work. This is because I have no business commenting on your work. I am no editor or great literary scholar, like we both have implied in the past in hours of drunkenness (somewhat unbalanced drunkenness, whether that makes it better or worse). See, that is the problem with our dubious “friendship”: it all started with the lies I told, and then came the lies you told yourself to keep them company, and no watchful guard to catch them at the door.

I call myself a critic (do I?), yet the only criticism your writing inspires is the red hot rage of inadequacy. Mine or ours both, we’re yet to find out (see, not even this I can discern!). I call myself a writer, yet the only words in this head are the fading echoes of others’ speech, horribly mangled in caricature. I call myself a balladeer, yet the last song left my lips an era ago. I call myself some great romantic, yet I have known neither women nor men (except for poor J., who must now serve me as example of both).

The emptiness of these conversations, this every-time-too-easy self-glorification, this brainless marriage to oneself is draining yet a trap, and I cannot get out. You know it’s been years since you’ve heard a single useful comment from my end, and I don’t know if that’s just because I’m falling off or because your confidence is rising - or gd forbid, you’re getting better.

So do not expect a reply from me, the last train of thought is just leaving the station.

Regards, E.

thanks for covering the truth, nice last move, covered yourself and you took the shoot, and you got your prize, I never expected less from you, after all it was you heart, or it wasn’t? not my business, respect

the worst one

History's a fascinating concept, don't you think? Of course you would. You remind me a lot of my brother in that way. A total nerd. You could rant for hours about obscure political figures and the collapses of empires. And I'd sit and listen to each and every word.

I was never good at history. I'm not good at anything, really. But history seemed so boring to me. Still, it's undeniably crucial to know your history. Where you came from, what came before you, how the world has been formed and reformed, how cultures developed. It's quite a world out there.

And yet, for as broad as history is, for as big as this world is, we're all people. History can be written by and about each and every one of us. Each of us has our own history. Where we've been, who we are, what formed us.

Think of it like a library containing eight billion unique stories. Each one is special in its own right. It's my favorite place to visit. I browse and look around at the different names, different appearances, different writing styles and creative decisions. But for whatever reason, my eye was drawn to yours.

And I never put it down.

In your book, I'm a footnote. I doubt I even get named. But my book has the pages ripped and torn out. Each new page furiously writing your name on each line in swooping cursive.

Your book is kept under lock and key. I steal glances when I can. You let me in for just a moment. And then you slam it shut while turning your head. My book is wide open for you. I spilled its contents on the floor. But you won't even look. It just does not catch your eye.

I see where your story ends. Such a kind fearless leader. Such a brave noble knight. Such a personality to be around. Such a person to know. Such an 'always in the right place at the right time'. You have nothing but sunshine ahead. A happy ending awaits, and I hope it carries you in a golden chariot across a meadow.

My story does not get an ending, as nobody cared enough to write it. What ever happened to that creature? No one knows. It doesn't matter.

I'm just alone on my desk. My book is collecting dust. And I'm holding a counterfeit, writing with a dull pencil. And each word is daydreaming of the day you come around in that golden chariot. Where I can finally understand what all the pain had been for. And where I can smile and say I got to be a chapter in your story.

Empires have come and gone, natural disasters strike, wars waged, culture and trends shift and evolve. But you. You're a constant light. A constant star in the night sky that I'm always awestruck by. You shine down on me, never looking down. But I dream of being up there with you. Making history. Shining. Together.

But here I still am. Sitting on my desk. The pages are damp. The pencil snapped in half. My head's buried in my hands. And I'm desperately praying you'll give me something real to write about this time.

Dear You,

It’s been a few months since that last conversation we had that ended badly (no thanks to you). On the one hand I’m relieved. There’s no point in being with someone if they can only be a good communicator when you’re physically nearby. And I have my life here. I’ve gone on dates with other guys, I’ve travelled and I got promoted at work. My life is pretty busy.

And yet I miss you so much. I miss your laugh, your hugs (you being a whole foot taller than me helped me with that) and how easy it all felt. I wish things were different and that you had just communicated.

I am slowly getting over you but atm I miss you a lot. I wish things were different.

Me x

You must be out of your mind. Trespass and skull fuckery are my crimes in progress. You're going to look all levels of spastic when you get back: cross-eyed, grinning with your tongue out, drooling up your own splash puddles for extra-dimensional travel. Thought-warped like a wet wooden spoon drying unevenly, heaven-bent and hell-scent, declaring a stir on ripe tomato pasta during a waistline lean over kitchen counter tops. What have you got going on in those back pockets?

If my madness were a scratch ticket, you're always playing for another instead of the big win. That coveted two cents scraping at the sacrificial sanity. This thrilling little mess you've made while hiding your brain in my waves. Gargling on my grey juice instead of drowning. It's not mouth wash weirdo! Don't lap it up from the trough. Dress up and attend my tea party. I'll ladle it out in a way that you can sip.

After talking on the phone for about two days, we finally met in person. 2 years ago, 20th of February, Sunday around noonish...It was sunny when we met, slightly breezy but feeling warm...He was wearing black shirt, black hat, jeans, black jacket, black jordans with some purple in it. He said he likes purple...he got in the car looked at me and said, "Hi I'm xxxxxx", I giggled and introduced myself too...we were planning to go to a Farmer's Market but we were a little too late, so we decided to just go the beach to walk around...off we go...I told him I'm horrible with directions...so he would tell me which way to turn...he was having some technical difficulties with his map, talking to his LG and looking for where the ocean is so we know where we are at...he is nervous too, he was playing with his sony wireless earphone case...open, close, open, close...it didn't bother me, it was calming my nerves for some reason too...we drove past the hotel I worked on nearby, and was telling me about some of the hotel rooms being rented out and then he talked about Sycamore trees, and where he's from a bunch of tree name streets...not too long, we finally arrived by the beach...It was a pretty easy short drive., says the bad driver...

I was pretty nervous driving, I would be so embarrased if I hit a curb...While parking we were talking about cigarettes and vapes, how long has it been since he quit and such...We walked towards the blue wave concrete to get parking ticket and started walking towards the Piers....

We started talking more and getting to know each other as we were walking...We saw a flock of birds flying high as we walked much further...then we started talking about where we are from, got disrupted as there's this stenchy smell coming from underneath the bridge...He was making jokes here and there, I find his humour funny...it was more of a few words here and there as we walked under the bridge...we saw another flock of birds flying on the other side, he said its beautiful, we watched it for minute and headed back...

He saw the swings at the nearby Park, and started talking about how he likes swings, and I said I like them too...Its like you are flying...He was trying to impress me with how he can swing higher with no hands, I find it adorable you can see it in his eyes, though we both can't hold a longer eye-contact at that time...but I saw it, and his smile under his hat...we were talking about family, and he found out my brother is in the military he got scared, I just laughed because he's just a boy...(later on he saw a picture of my brother, he nerdy...) and he started talking about cameras, filming and stuff...I could listen to him talk for hours...his voice is calming...

We stopped by the Cafe & Beach Rentals place to grab something to eat...He ordered grilled cheese, caesar salad and drink, since I don't know what I want he was stalling the cashier for me but it was just too much options, I got a drink...We were waiting by the entry, he saw this man with pink heart sunglasses playing with his daughter, he said he can rock that sunglasses...he was talking a little bit fast, I'm not used to it yet that time, I said slow down, because I couldn't catch what he was saying...I saw his tough aura with honest eyes, said to me, I'm not changing, why are you changing me, then im not the one for you...I said no lol I was just trying to understand what he was saying...He got the our order, the cafe was crowded he found us a place to sit, he was jolly happy, he said I am a hero today...

It became windy with overcast clouds, so its not as warm anymore...he shared his half grilled cheese sandwich with me because he knows I'm hungry, and I got shy...I happen to take a look at him while eating, and thought to myself he's cute...he was offering me some salad but he laughed since he already finished it...that was adorable...we just sat there for a little bit until about 3 PM, we decided to go to the Shopping Malls. We just parked and we were talking about languages, I told him I can't pronounce my own name due to the accent, he faced me teaching me how to pronounce it, I got super shy...we walked towards the elevator, when he was pressing the button he dropped his LG and broke it...He jokingly blames me for it (until now hihi), and we were giggling...I find him charming...we walked around for a little bit, went to Bath & Body, smelled some soaps, candles, room sprays and after we started to head out to the Film Center to see Licorice Pizza...He was being cutesy before the movie started, I saw his soft playful aura...When the movie was done it was already dark outside...We grabbed dinner afterwards, since it was already that time...We went to a Chinese food restaurant...We waited for a little bit, there was a waitlist...While we were waiting outside, there's this car with bright screens with the date 2.22.22, he pulled his phone out from his pocket to take a pic...I think it was his friend's birthday, he said he'll send it to him...

We went in, he's been there before so he ordered for us...it would take long if it was me...he was talking about hockey, that he's missing the game (turns out its for the next day, so he's safe)...he said, I'm sorry I'm stared at your boobs, we laughed it off and He saw this kid in orange at the other table, he said he loves kids and he made this cute face...we were chit chatting for a little bit more and food arrived and I don't remember much of the conversation during that time all I remember was I stole a few glances at him, smiling and eating. This is the first time I felt that feeling, no words to describe it...and that's when I knew...when we were done eating, it was already late...the restaurant is almost closing, there's still some patrons but it was getting late...so we headed back to the car...he started talking hockey more and his mom...and then we called it a night...

Before I left, he talked to me about what he thought and telling me his position and wanted to see me again...he said to me give him an answer days later...I said, I wanted to see him again too I had a great time...he said to think about it and let him know until the day he told me too..I did thought about it driving back home, and I do, my mind is made up and I told him...he sent me a gif of Kermit with hearts laying down...and that's exactly how I felt after our first date...It was a perfect date...

---------------||----------------||

This is one of my favorite memory with him...Our first date...it just flows and fun...light hearted...this is my most treasured moment with him...I will never forget him, he is very special to me...he captured my heart gradually as time goes...until I fully gave it to him, and even if we are not together anymore...My heart will always be his...This is how I will remember him...My love...

Hi.

I just wanted to say thank you for being there for me when I needed someone. Looking back I now realize how lonely, sad, & lost I was when we started talking and how much of a light you were for me.

I’m sorry for any pain I caused and for putting you on a pedestal you did not ask to be put in.

I truly believed (and a part of me will always believe) that you and I were meant to be. Maybe not forever.. and even if it sounds cliche, I think our love would have been the type that would have us laugh for hours, dance, experience new things that only felt as magical as they did because we were together, helped each other grow, learn to heal from our past, set healthy boundaries, and be deeply in love.

I am incredibly grateful for the short period of time our paths crossed and for the growth and reflection it brought me. And if that was all that was written in the stars, I’ll take it.

I know you’ve met someone and you’re getting married soon. I am happy for you, though a part of me aches as I prepare to fully let go and let this chapter close.

I will always wonder what could have been.

It's been a month since we talked and I still miss you. Why does it always have to be the shortest period with someone hurts the most? I don't know what should I do, I would like to reach out again but I know you won't respond. Until when will I have this feelings for you? It's keep growing even though I'd never had a chance with you. Dang it, I'm cowardly inlove with you.

I don’t know if I even like you as a friend anymore, but you’re too old either way. It’s weird and I’m not comfortable with that. Why can’t you respect that? Why can’t you respect me??

Why did you kiss my neck. I was fucking drunk. I guess I put myself in that situation but I didn’t say yes. I know I didn’t say no, but I didn’t say yes. I didn’t. I don’t like you like that. I don’t even think I like men. Why can’t you respect that? Why does me drinking give you permission to touch me. Why does me sleeping give you permission to touch me. Why does me existing give you permission to touch me? Why won’t you stop.

Damn I miss you. I miss feeling your lips on my neck, your whispers in my ear, that drive me mad. I miss feeling your fingers trail over my most sensitive spots. I miss how needy you made my body feel, wanting you inside of me. I miss the fine line between love and pain you filling me up made me feel. I miss our eyes locking, and not just our bodies, but our souls joining. I miss laying my head on your shoulder, and there was utter peace in the world. If only for a time. I miss holding your hand. No one else has ever felt right. I miss talking to you, learning your perspective on the world. I miss late night rides to the bridge. I miss our showers, the vulnerability, I felt free to show only to you. You saw my soul, the dark and the light, so unhealed then. I saw yours as well, and I accepted it, bc I just wanted to kiss away that pain, wrestle those demons from you, that made you so mad at the world at times. I was fighting a losing battle at that time, bc I didn’t realize that, those were battles we needed to fight on our own. The more desperate I was to hold onto our love, the more I helped destroy it, little by little. I miss you. I want to see you so bad. I want you to come here. I want to jump in your arms after so long. I want both of us to return home to each other. That’s what we are, each others home. I feel you with me, and I’d wager you feel me to. I miss you my one true love. We may be divorced in this life, but spiritually we will always be in union. This remains unsent, bc I need some effort from the other side, to show they feel the same. It takes 2. It can’t be just me anymore. I deserve better than that, bc I love you, but I love me too. If you reach out, or come to see me, you will be met with Open arms, believe that my love. I hold no anger, I hold no resentment. The past is the past. I want to move towards the future. I want to do that with you, but if fate/destiny has other plans so be it, but I feel something big coming.

Thank you for your silent treatment. It has made me realize just how peaceful your silence is.

i love the thrill of keeping you at a distance and wondering what you’ll do next. i only keep you at a distance because you’re bad for me. you hurt me whether you meant to or not. but i love having your attention. i love seeing your name on my phone. i love how much you chase me. i lust for you. your toxicity turns me on. you’ve known me for some time now so i know you think about me, but i can never be yours.

Rather than be our best Our marriage failed every test Filled with self loathing and hatred My mind would never rest

When I was with you I was blind, My eyes are open now and I see clearly. It wasn’t only me, how you had me convinced to believe. You broke me apart, tore me down. When I was drowning you pushed me down. It wasn’t until my head was under water that I was able to breathe freely. For in the deep dark depth’s of the sea, holding my breath, I realized it’s much more you than it is me.

Always playing the victim, To anyone that will listen. You’re quite the actress I’ll admit, Fooled everyone, you’ll never quit. I feel pity for you, for you see. The biggest fool of all is you for you actually believe these lies that you sew, that you reap.

I bless the day I walked away from you eternally.

I committed to you only you doesn’t matter if somebody came along that was better. I was committed to you so if you were going through a rough time and things were down bad, I wasn’t gonna leave, but you left me, when I was down on my knees fighting all the hurdles life was throwing at me

You were the first person I was open with. The first person who really knew me in years and the first person I wanted to know. I want to hate you for leaving with a shitty excuse, but I’m happy we met. I’m happy we had time together. I miss you. I had to choose myself because you put me in that position. I hate that you did that. I hate that I can’t reach out. I hate that you haven’t reached out. I’m moving on and I’m happy. I just wish you didn’t do that and you were happy with me

I still love you, and losing you still hurts, but not for the same reasons any more

It used to hurt because i love you in a completly different way to anyone else. Because it was unexpected, it gave me hope to imagine a future with someone again which was terrifying. Because it felt like you loved me for me, i could unmask, you encouraged me to, you were the first person to teach me, not do things for me, the first to understand my issues and try and help me work through them

But looking back i dont think you really loved me, you were at an extremely low point and you loved the way i loved you. The way i was there for you when ever you needed me, when i supported you through so much shit no one else would have, the way i bigged you up, made you feel good about your self, told you all your feelings were valid, that i love you all the time not just when you're fun to be around, when there was absolutely no question about it, you were my favourite person

But when we broke up it was like you instantly just switched off everything you felt for me. We both did things wrong. I'm the only one out of the two of us who has held my hands up and admitted to everything, tried to make ammends, tried to be better. You've never once acknowledged and apologised for the horrible things you've done to me, and you've had so many chances

Now we are not even speaking, and since then, you've shown me just how little i mean to you. We tried to be friends again, you knew how much it meant to me, and when you were at a really low point again you said it meant a lot to you. Until i built you up again, and then you were indifferent

Now you need me to be the bad guy, the villian in your story, because if you had to actually sit and think about everything, how you treated me, i think it would make you question everything about your self, just like i had to, and i dont honestly think you could handle it. So, so be it, i'll be that if that's what you need. It's okay though, because i have friends and family who will all tell you i'm one of the most kind and caring people they know, so what does it matter if you cant see it anymore

My therapist thinks you'll be back again at some point, i'm not so sure. Part of me wants to say there is 100% no chance i wouldnt be there for you again if you needed me, well who knows, i'll try

But if nothing else, this forced me into therapy to deal with my issues, i'm still sad, and disappointed, but now i'm also mad

I still dont have regrets. I wish you the best, i hope you work on your issues, i just wish that we could have worked through them together, but maybe this was a lesson i needed to learn by meeting you

I just hope one day this hurts less, and that one day i get a real acknowledgement and apology from you, i wont hold my breath though

Where it was I'm not sure, but it was close to paradise. The ocean was bright blue, it was hot and humid, the sand glittered white and the place was surrounded with pine trees and beds of colorful flowers. It was beautiful.

A man helped us onto a small wooden boat and I cradled my body between your legs, leaning on your bare chest. Your usually fair skin was glowing with a tan and your hair was golden.

The boat had drifted off into the clear sea. Soon enough I could feel myself falling asleep on you. Then you said we had to go back. Your voice was deep and gentle.

When I woke up, it was morning and I wasn't dreaming anymore. I really wanted to go back to sleep in the hopes it wouldn't end there, but I couldn't. Then I realised it wasn't real.

I love you so much. I’ve been trying for so long. All I’ve ever wanted to do is help you feel better and be happier, even if I haven’t always gone about it in the best way. I haven’t deserved any of the treatment you’ve given me. I already left you once; and you swore you changed, and now it’s like back to square one. You clearly have a lot of demons that you just can’t face, and I don’t know what to do. I almost don’t even take any of this shit personally anymore, because I know deep down that this is all about your struggle with yourself. You don’t even think about me, and that’s both comforting and heartbreaking.

I feel like such a cliché; that girl who still loves a guy who continuously disregards her feelings and keeps her at a distance, all because she wants so badly to work things out and have a better future. But will you ever think of anyone but yourself? Will you ever truly change your actions? Will you ever really acknowledge how they affect others, or will you play the blame game for the rest of your life? You are always saying I deserve better, but apparently aren’t willing to give that to me. It is time to grow up. It is time to stop blaming those who mistreated you and release all of that resentment and anger. It has eaten you alive. It still does. You cover the fact that you don’t like yourself with a false mask of bravado. I see right through it and always have, and maybe that’s why you can’t bring yourself to let me in. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

This most recent event is different. No matter what you’d done in the past, I’d never worried that you were sneaking around. It never crossed my mind. Now, I’m baffled and confused and livid. You were only supposed to be honest with me, and you couldn’t even manage that. I want so badly to fight for us, but what is there left to fight for? I love you more than anything or anyone else, but I suppose you have continuously showed me that I am just an option to you. One that you’ll never deem worthy of stepping up for.

We could be so happy. I know we could. That’s what hurts the most. I have dreams where I run to you and you catch me and we both just smile and finally feel at peace. I want that to be real more than I want anything, but I think I have to accept that that could only ever be fantasy.

“If tears could build a stairway And memories were a lane I would walk right up to heaven And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken No time to say goodbye You were gone before I knew it And only God knows why

My heart still aches with sadness And secret tears still flow What it meant to lose you No one will ever know

But now I know you want me To mourn for you no more To remember all the happy times Life still has much in store

Since you'll never be forgotten I pledge to you today A hallowed place within my heart Is where you'll always stay”

I saw this poem today buddy, made me think of you. I miss you with every fiber in my body. You were and still are so amazing. You taught me to not have regrets, and to trust myself. I still have dreams of holding you, and playing with your little hands, you’re always smiling at me. I miss you little man, my little monkey man Sam. I love you buddy.

-Uncle Bob

I don't know you. You don't know me but you are missing from me. There is a massive Josh shaped hole where you should be. Instead you're living it up in the house of your dreams with someone who isn't me. I am crazy, delusional. I want you. Im not gonna say I need you because I don't need anyone but me, but I'm longing to meet you and somehow I know it will happen but our lives need to align for our union to happen. I have to believe in it. Until next time... From S

I went back and reread your last letter to me last night after seeing you happy and up very late in the chat of someone I was in the habit of raiding on the regular. You know it's not out of the ordinary for me to show up there even when I'm not doing the thing, and I didn't go looking for you. I did remain silent though, because your behavior was back to normal there and I didn't want the additional emotional burden of seeing you get weird or cut out on my account, especially considering how rarely you were that comfortable or up that late in my chat.

That letter... it really was mostly self pity and excuses, even your apology for leading me on, at the very bottom. Right after saying you were sorry, you went on to talk about how it was a mistake to talk about it and how confused you were, and then blamed me for it anyway. That's really nice I can be engaging. That doesn't mean you had the right to humiliate me like that. I get confused all the time about stuff and I don't use it as an excuse to play games with people's hearts.

I wish feelings came with an off switch.

Am not going to add your article but anyone can type your name in google. You knew my truth and yet your goal was to break me. I hope they go back to our conversations on the 11/11/22 and find the vivid I wrote on your curtain rail and bedpost when I was marking your room. I think subconsciously I knew you wanted me dead and leaving a trace of myself was all I could do.

You told me if I did those drugs with you you'd get clean, that was the only time we did that, your intention after was to fuck me senseless and then start a fight and throw me out of your house. You used my body and I cut myself, you told me you were dying, it was the reason I came to you, after that you gave me the knife you gifted me and told me to kill myself. Who gives someone who self harms a knife its been the only thing you wanted me to keep but you won't return my belongings. You wanted me to drive in that state but I wouldn't and then when I could I went to the person who was helping you abuse me. I really had no chance did I. She so desperately wanted me to no that's why she was telling me all the worst things about you and making lies up about your neighbours, its why she sent that screenshot and started the vent account. Her focus was hate, mine was to help. Your problems were that I came down after her birthday and she'd already set up house with you. We weren't together but why couldn't you just tell me the truth. Oh it was her benefit at risk, that's why I broke up with you because you wouldn't commit, I didn't want to rip off the system but she's jumped from man to man for 20yrs with no goals to work and make a living just use other people for financial gain.

Your messages to her brother are deformation my name was cleared you no I did nothing wrong but help you guys. I was so broken when I met you helping your family gave me a sense of purpose. What did you do, encourage my weed habit and taught me how I could be self sufficient with cannabis even that I was scared to do. All ways you were trying to pull me down and keep me silent.

The false allegation you made because you were juggling 3 woman I no of now and making your children lie is appalling but what did you gain off me 2 cars, clothes and food for your kids and while you lived with me i'd say you got someone else in your house and were making money that way to cause if you really wanted a relationship with me would you not of committed to me instead of keeping the place? Your aunties are selling pounds of weed at $350 a ounce and your best mate Jake is bringing meth in from the wharf were secrets you wanted me to keep instead of doing right by your kids. You threatened me that I would get murdered if I didn't shut my mouth. You knowingly gave your baby mother meth and in your own admission the midwife knew. If you really cared about your children would you have not stopped buying it for her as you were the one earning the money? You told me you saved her from being raped, did you take her to the police station? Or did you just fuck her after like you did me after I told you I was raped. You could of got me help but instead you helped yourself to any woman you could. Your are convicted offender and even I wanted to believe you weren't capable after hearing the facts but I know that to be true.

To keep your secrets you set me up to be raped. You used my family and friends and went behind my back and slandered me. All cause I wouldn't let go cause I was trying to understand what I endured. You manipulated everyone in my circle, I wasn't the one doing that. I was trying to find ways to make things better. You only wanted me to give up my chance at becoming a counsellor and trigger me out of my job but wasn't the first time I was bullied in my job. Not the first time I was drugged and sent on my way but even Jesse knows Darren. Jesse said I could stay and then he got a text, after I took my sleeping pills he threw me out but not after using my body first. You wanted me to have an accident but all these actions are premeditated and we know this woman has been pushing my suicide since a teenager. I was so broken I actually told someone everything including what happened with Liam because I didn't understand why I was thrown out in the first place. Also Heinrich knew I'd been assaulted and even he wouldn't take me to the police station, it all benefitted you more if I was gone and kept my mouth shut.

I'm sorry I wasn't the one hurting you. Your hurting yourself and other people. I actually was just trying to heal from my pain but none of you cared about me. You were all fucking my so called friend and pushing my suicide. The truth is setting me free. I never deserved any of what you did to me but I'm no longer holding it am returning it all back to sender.

I’ve been waffling back and forth about what to say. There is so much in me that needs to come out. I miss you terribly, and I have absolutely no clue how you are doing. It’s like you died. It has been seventy days of complete and utter silence. No calls, emails, DMS, letters or texts. No updates on any form of social media. No updates from friends or colleagues. Not even any Google Street View updates to give me any clues. I haven’t gone looking, though – I’ll be honest.

I could ask our friends, but I don’t. I could drill down, FBI-style, but I don’t. I need to be gentle with myself. I unfriended you and blocked you on social media to keep ME from looking for evidence of YOU. Not to keep YOU away from me. I needed to remove the temptation to search for you, to wonder about you, to obsessively rake the dirt for pieces of you. You dropped me, and even though I know that you instantly regretted it, I had to move forward as if you meant it. I’m not playing games with you, and I’m not going to second-guess you or do you the dishonor of not taking you seriously when you do and say something with as much weight and gravity as you did.

You dropped me, you insulted me, and you made me feel like I did not matter. You did it on purpose to ensure that I would not follow you out the door. You did it to intentionally break me.

But the thing is – you did it to ME.

Don’t you know who sent me? Don’t you know why they sent me to you? You prayed for this. You wished on the full moon for this. You picked up pennies and put them in your shoes for this. You blew out birthday candles with your eyes closed for this. You bobbed up and down on your board, staring at the sunrise horizon with tears in your eyes, with ragged breath, begging for this. You’ve sat at the edge of your bed wondering why it never came. And here it is – right in front of your face.

I knew, the moment you arrived that night, that this was not going to play out well. That this would probably turn into a horrible, grim lesson for you. How long would it take you to realize what was actually in front of you? What would it take for you to remove the diseased lens of your past in order to see clearly – that love it not a threat; that love does not take from you, or demand your freedom. Love does not want to hold your balls in a vice grip. That view is a filter, a misperception, a distortion, an old wound disguised as the truth. You have believed it so long; it has become your truth.

You know when people get in car crashes and they hold the steering wheel so tight that they cannot, will not let go, and the rescuers have to use the jaws of life to cut the steering wheel off of the car, and load them into the ambulance with the steering wheel still in their white-knuckled grip – because fear will not let them release the wheel? This is how I saw you that night. It made me so sad. It hurt me more to see your fear and to see you sabotage yourself than to hear the things you actually said to hurt me.

My tears were about your fear, and you not understanding love.

It was that night that I realized that really and truly, you had never experienced love. Not once in your nearly forty-five years. You might have experienced admiration, desire, attraction, affection, friendship, infatuation, attachment… but love? To let somebody in, to be truly vulnerable, to let them see your ugliness, your weakness, your flaws, and to let them love you and accept you anyway? To not resent them for seeing these flaws, these imperfections? To not resent them for embracing you in spite of what you, yourself, cannot embrace? To let somebody take you by the hand and lead you to a lighter place, step by step, with patience and forgiveness? Inconceivable – but:

Here it is – right in front of your face.

It is not a fantasy. It is not a fairy tale. It is real, and this is love. There are people in this world who will offer you love. I was sent to you to offer you this love. Like you asked.

While it is true that perhaps you were not expecting it when I arrived, and perhaps because of that, you were not prepared for it, nonetheless you rejected it, and rejected it harshly. But I know why I was sent to you, and I have a wider perspective here, so I stepped back and away. When you left, there was one gift in the bags you took with you: a letter you had not read. A letter that would shed some light on love, and perhaps pry a finger or two off of the steering wheel you’re still clinging to in the metaphorical hospital. I have no idea if you read it, of course, because all there has been is silence.

In good faith, I wrote another letter to you after I had a disturbing dream about you (contemplating) harming yourself. The dream was very vivid, very real, and I was in the room with you in real time when this was happening. It was then that I knew that in all likelihood the diseased lens had fallen away, and perhaps you were starting to see clearly. Perhaps you were starting to realize what you had actually done, and what you had actually pushed away. Who you tried to break. But you were so despondent; there was no reaching you, energetically, in the dream. I wrote you a letter and emailed it to you. I received no response. I wondered if you had blocked my email – maybe it went to spam? Maybe you never got it? Maybe, if my dream was correct, there were bigger forces at play as to why I could not reach you.

I saw a story in the news that your job was shut down. That must have come as a huge blow as well, and I’m so sorry to hear about it. You are so good at your job, and you deserve to be working constantly. I’m sorry things have been so rough. It doesn’t seem fair.

While I really would like to talk with you, it is up to you to reach out. I’m not going to poke you. I know you’re not on Reddit, so I also know this is a safe space to blow it out my a$$ and just give wings to my feelings without consequence. I’m not going to chase you. We are adults. You broke it, you fix it. And Babe, you done broketey-broke it to Brokesville.

I am still so sad that it appears that you do not understand love. But I have not gone anywhere; I am still here. You are in my dreams, you are in my thoughts, you are in my heart, and you are not going away (to my chagrin, I might add). I have made peace with the fact that this is not leaving me any time soon. But where are you? Are you sleeping? Are you getting enough to eat? Promise me you’re not eating a solid diet of Panda Express and Taco Bell. I miss you so much and I just want to snuggle with you in silence while the landscape guys blast their noisy tools all around the yard. I want to get lost in the galaxy of your eyes and forget what I’m supposed to do the rest of the day. I know you need a hair trim. I want to shock you with my cold feet on your legs. I want to pull you close and bite your deltoid. I want to laugh at your dirty grandpa humor; ugh how I miss your mind. I want to feel your heartbeat.

Sigh.

Where are you?

Love,

me

PS: I’ve done the dishes and put away the laundry. I know. It’s a miracle.

PPS: When I get to the part where I have to choose "Flair", I pause now. It's been ten weeks. I can't seem to choose "Exes". It doesn't feel right. I can't call you my Ex. This is a separation - is this what we will eventually call it? A glitch? A blip? A break? so I choose "Lovers".

I can’t.

I want to tell you everything. I miss you, my best friend. It’s been over a year since we officially broke up and I wish I wasn’t hung up on you, but that’s both our faults.

You’ve been clear you have no feelings left for me, that we couldn’t be anything more than friends now.

I’ve tried pouring my heart out, I’ve tried being angry, I’ve tried to force myself to settle for “just friends.”

There’s no use. I can’t be friends with you when I love you. I can’t be friends with you when I feel so manipulated and disrespected.

I let you string me along for far too long, and I’d let you keep doing it — if only you wanted to.

The only thing I have left to do is be silent, try to move on. Pray you’ll miss me someday.