I can't sleep. I can't think. Last night, something awful happened to you. I was trying to focus on that and I was doing my best not to question whether or not you might be cheating on me again. But she was spam calling me. That vile woman, the things she said to me were so disgusting. She called me nonstop. Then suddenly she stopped.

At that exact moment, you told me a family member was calling you. In a few moments, she gloatingly messaged that you had just called her. My heart sunk. The timing was too perfect, down to the second. I asked you who was calling you, spam calling you, and you repeated it was that family member. I know she would have at least tried to call you at that time.

How can I confront you now though? You just lost everything. I am starting to think you're lying to me. I'm so easily convinced when it's your voice that says it. I just want to believe that you are loyal to me, that everything you said about her was true, that you'd never talk to her again.

Now I can't reach you. The trauma my body went through when you cheated that I thought I healed from, it fully came back. All I need is to be with you right now and get some answers. But you didn't even have anywhere to sleep last night. It's horrible. This whole situation feels like hell on earth. Sometimes, I hate loving you.

Just please before I leave. Just one last time let me look at you and admire your beauty, and see what's always been my motivation to be better. Yes our sweet one I love of course, but I want you to feel with my eyes how special you YOU as a person and human you truly are.

I feel so anxious right now. So scared. I’m dealing with a lot of family issues and I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish you could hold me as I cry because no matter how much I talk to friends and have been spending time with them outside of my place, I come home and pace and cry and need you.

Even as just a friend. I need you. No one cares for me the way you do. None of my friends can come close to the comfort you provide. Please please text me. Please. You are not blocked. Please text me today. Right now.

A year ago, on the same day, we had our first kiss and what followed 🤫I know no words need to be spoken but fuck every now and then I would remember that exact moment, in your car, outside the club, and I just think it was beyond beautiful, and you were as well.

To the love I thought I needed, yet never found

Goodbye, to thought of you. I will not call you moon anymore, for, the moon I see, yet you refuse to be.

Do you even exist?

within I know you do.

What do I do but live? But love the tales, the words, the colours,

the arts, the feelings, the knowledge and others.

In pain I will say to thee, as unprepared as I may be, I still wish for you

you, whoever you are,

half of my soul.

Hey bro!

I just wanted to let you know that your parents are doing good. They are healthy and happy, well as happy as they can be. Your little brother is doing good too, he's graduating college next year! Can you believe that? Makes me feel so old to think of that since it feels like just yesterday we were playing on the block. Your dad still waves to me every time I drive past the house when he's home and it always brings a smile to my face...

We miss you man, you didn't deserve what happened to you. You turned your life around from drugs and gangs. For two years you bettered yourself for your little brother, becoming a role model for him. For two years you started going to church, volunteering, and just being the best you could offer...

Your brother still blames himself for inviting you to his basketball game that day. Knowing the rival school was in a city you wanted to leave behind. You went anyway, wanting to show your brother the love and support he deserves. I'm sorry I couldn't make it... I'm sorry I didn't want to drive and just wanted to stay home... I didn't know they would recognize your car... I didn't know they would end your life when you were getting gas around the corner from the school...

The cops found your killers a couple hours later...

We miss you Will...

Do you notice how I stumble over my words, hesitant to say what I need to say.....like I forgot what I needed to say because your "stinking eyes" are dreamy, in a weird way. UGH Your sooo.... masculine but so gentle and you make me feel like I have your undivided attention when we talk and it makes me want to run in the opposite direction so you don't see my eyes dilate 😅 or my cheeks blush when you get close lol. But I'm probably just overthinking everything because I think your cute and you make me nervous.....or something ☺️ Could you do me a favor and continue being you? Please, I like you lol

When life gets really bad, and I start missing you terribly. Again. I close my eyes and remember.

I remember the moment I woke to see you smiling at me. I remember pulling you close and holding you a little bit longer. I remember thinking, it's enough -- this is enough for me.

And sometimes, I hope, I can wake up again to see you smiling at me.

You wanted out for so long yet still told me you loved me you, still told me I was your forever. Silly me I should’ve known better, but you too have become another lesson I opened up to you something I never do but I did with you but you used it against me like a slap to the face I should’ve known better. You accused me of things I never did even showing you proof and still went of, but when I ask you you play the victim you said it’s my fault, that I ruined us, that I make you miserable that you hate me, for wanting to be in your life for wanting to be there for you, for telling you how you make me feel, for asking you things about when your stories don’t add up, when I literally ask you the same things you asked me that I have no problem answering, what do I get? Fuck yous, I hate you, you’re a bitch, you regret meeting me, that because I’m me you don’t love me, but you didn’t want to be the one to end it didn’t you, you blamed me for everything that I fucked up when I’m telling you showing you. I had nothing to hide from you I never got defensive blocked you told you I hate you for bringing up for asking about why you tell me 2 different things, I loved you so much, this is a different type of hurt, I really can’t explain it. I believed your empty promises. I was there for you I listened to you, I was there for you you never were said I was too much.but you’ve me. Right? When I told you my feelings my thoughts I’m shut down. It’s stupid right? To cry over someone that doesn’t love you. It’s stupid right? to cry I’ve someone who calls you a bitch, It’s stupid right? To cry for someone who throws your addiction at my face when I trusted you Stupid right? To fight for us when you gave up on us, It’s fucking stupid right? That I still love you. Don’t blame me. I didn’t do anything. But now I know who you really are. I won’t be a waste of time for you anymore. I’m sorry for loving you for being there for you. I just wanted to be loved I thought you did Don’t end us and blame me for nothing I ever did. Another lesson.

And I don’t know if I’m more mad at you for your actions towards me, or for making me this way.

Dad, you’ve taken away the most pivotal years of me growing into an adult. When I was 16, I was seeing my friends every day, going out, happy, bubbly, and having fun. By 18, you forced me to take care of my mom who was struggling with Alzheimer’s while you were at work, and while I was dealing with mono. You refused to get her diagnosed for the longest time. She was incontinent, she walked out of the front door without me noticing, she was crying constantly, and you left me to deal with it all. It was a living hell. I moved out a year later and you didn’t even try to be a parental figure to me until she finally moved into a nursing home only three months ago.

I’ve been telling you she needed to move there for years for everyone’s sake for years, and all that resulted in was you getting mad at me, calling me selfish and telling me that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Now that you’ve finally made the right decision, you’re acting like a martyr.

You started dating another woman two months after she moved out, which I don’t mind, except for that you still aren’t acting as a father to me. I feel abandoned. My mom is dying, and my dad is forgetting about his child.

I’m starting an inpatient treatment for anorexia soon, and you think it’s funny to make jokes about fat people and calories. You keep talking about weight loss. The one time I agreed to get dinner together, you cancelled. We’ve hung out together once in THREE years.

I never once was an angry person, but I’m seething. All I feel is resentment towards you, I feel it every second of every day, and it doesn’t stop. I don’t even feel sympathy towards you anymore.

I don’t recognise you, or myself.

i’m posting this here because i have to get this out, but i am still attempting to protect you. even after everything i still am trying to treat you with respect. interesting how you haven’t given any of that to me.

half the people i love now hate me. you are clearly presenting some kind of false narrative to them about what happened. i’ve kept my mouth shut for the most part and let you do what you feel you need to do. i have done everything i can to be kind, understanding, and patient through the whole thing. i have tried to be empathetic.

but honestly i’m tired of being the bigger person and letting you attempt to assassinate my character. i shouldn’t be treated like shit for realizing who i am and trying to follow that. i shouldn’t be alienated for being who i am and trying to transition to that in the easiest and gentlest way possible for you.

the one time i wasn’t understanding and essentially pushing my own feelings into the ground during this whole situation was when i found out, while i was hurting and drunk, you had lied to me - and that lie was to cover up the fact you made out with your close friend’s (and my best friend) wife the second they broke up, and you took advantage of another drunk friend in a bathroom.

this behavior is just unacceptable, and shocked me because i didn’t know that side of you until we broke up and you showed me how hateful and cruel you can be. it honestly just underscored the behavior i have seen from you since the breakup. i felt fooled. i felt betrayed, going from thinking you were the purest most innocent soul to knowing who you truly are deep down, underneath all the fawning and boo-hooing. you’re just not a good person.

so yes, i got mad and i ran my mouth. i should have been the bigger person and kept quiet and let you ruin your own life but i didn’t. it’s clear to me that you are the ultimate reason you are alone.

it should have been a massive red flag when you proudly told me “i’m not friends with any of my exes”. your emotional immaturity is shocking at the age of 36. also a massive red flag to have no long term friendships - i should have realized that means you’re incapable of sustaining relationships with people, for whatever reason. i hope one day you are able to get into therapy and realize that changes have to be made if you ever want to be remotely happy.

we could have been in each other’s lives forever. we could have supported each other, loved each other, understood each other. but without the possibility of sex you don’t even view me as a person, or a possible friend. so now i see what i truly was.

I am entirely confident that any of our adventures we have spoken of, and any ventures we embark on will only result in success and joy. I don't believe in me, you don't believe in you, but we both believe in us. A connection like ours is a force to be reckoned with - the magnets forged in some ancient fires in the beginning of time. We are stronger together, but stubbornly independent in our own right.

I know a lot about what is in you that you do not bring to light. I'm not scared in the slightest. I do think you are similarly able to handle my darker parts too. You already have in the gentlest of ways.

You lied to me. You do believe in, and do know how to love you see. It does take time and practice and it is something people grow in to. It is action. It is making a conscious choice. I will not stop making that conscious choice. You are worth it, and I'll show you every time you let me. Have a fabulous day sweet friend. ❤️

Yea don’t like this, this came out of nowhere and I’m pretty sure you do not give a fuck about me lmao. Tho I will say the other night left me confused but I’m glad I have clarity now. Seriously man I think you need to be more aware with what you say and not give the other person the wrong impression. Anyways this will pass for me and we’ll stay friends 👍

Final piece from here, a letter that I’d send if it mattered to you.

Y.Y.S, E.T.N., Ilyukhina, whatever your name ever was - because you had so many fakes,

The doctors said I might be dying. Even if I’m not and it turns out to be nothing, I figured I’d get this on paper (pixels? the screen? digital?).

This is something of a goodbye, because I have enough to worry about without your memory plaguing this failing heart. Some will say this is a cope, sure, but spitting this out is the last real time I will deliberately think about you.

I thought maybe you’d be able to change. That maybe someday you’d admit what you did was wrong, that you’d take accountability for what you did. That maybe you’d actually feel responsible and apologize. That maybe there’d be narrative closure, and if you ever cared in the slightest, you’d say something. It wouldn’t need to be a groveling prostration where you get kicked while you’re down, or a grandiose gesture, or a humiliation ritual. It just could’ve something to show that yes, you did have a sense of morality, and that yes you were remorseful.

Back when you were in my life, I thought you were capable of such things. I thought you were capable of greatness.

But no.

The woman I loved never existed, and if she ever did, she’s gone now.

You never had any of that in you. Even now you don’t seem to. The depths to which you have a capacity to lie, even to yourself, is astounding. As much as I’ve learned, there’s probably still so much I don’t know about you and what you’ve done. In that, you’ve strengthened my resolve and toughness. What you did made me harder, more resilient, more resolute. A lot of people have listened to my woes, and supported me in ways I didn’t think possible. When one door closes, God opens another dozen-dozen. He works in mysterious ways, but He always works.

You pop up on my feed from time to time. You plagiarize emo dribbling from old forums, claiming it as your own. You ramble on in madness. You deny everything. You take refuge in the people you so virulently said you hated. You ignore it all. You act like nothing happened.

It would be so easy to insult and drag you, to smear you, to screech endlessly at the injustice of it all, to hate you, to rage and seethe and try to ruin you, to rip you to shreds - but I pity you. Some people (probably you included) think I have it out for you and am gunning for you, but honestly, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Because why would I drink poison, then expect someone else to die? I washed my hands of it all.

From the bottom of my heart I feel bad for you, and the life you will never be able to have. I keep an aloof distance from you for good reason. What you did has made it a hell of a lot easier to move on, even as much of a bleeding heart as I am. You’ve said nothing. In that, you’ve shown you didn’t have the capacity for humanity in you, it seems.

What was it all for, and to what end?

The question sat with me for a while until I realized it didn’t really matter in any meaningful sense. There’s no logic or reason to it, or to you. It would be easy to go mad over a why. But a motive isn’t relevant when the deeds and means are clear.

There’s a reason why adultery is mentioned twice in the Ten Commandments.

What you did will never really mean anything in the end. You’ve cheated before and will certainly cheat in the future. God only knows what the first time was, and once a cheater - always a cheater. If you did it to a fiance again and again -Christ have mercy- who won’t you do it to? I was just another man on your roster. I can’t imagine what it feels like to machinate like that, and be utterly, sinisterly, deliberately, repeatedly unfaithful.

I don’t know how much someone can lie before they collapse on themselves or get caught in their own web. You pushed that conception past any previously reasonable expectation.

Something we always disagreed on was people’s capacity for change. You said people couldn’t change, which now seems like foreshadowing - a lot of things were foreshadowing. I said people could change. We were both right. Good people can, try to, and ultimately do change. Bad people do not.

You’ve agonized me enough. You’ve agonized K.H. enough. You’ve agonized T.W.C. enough. But now we know what you are, and what you’ve done. God only knows who doesn’t. I pity them, too. Everything comes to light eventually though.

I thought you had more in you than this. I thought you were a better person, and were truly a believer in Christ and His teachings. I thought maybe someday you’d take the open door to own up to it.

That door is still open, because my door is always open to everyone, even to you. You aren’t a Christian, not in truth, but I am. I believe in forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation, and atonement. Nothing is beyond redemption. Not even you, as scathing as this all sounds.

But what you do is up to you, your conscience, and immortal soul. Maybe someday you’ll take that open door. Maybe someday your soul will be healed enough to own up to this and make it right. Maybe you’ll realize that God will indeed forgive even the greatest of sins if we truly repent.

You’ll live the life you deserve based on the choices you make in the wake of this.

The pain is fading. The wounds are closing. The dust is settling. As much as you haunted my nightmares, as much as I’ve ached over what wasn’t, as little as it all mattered in the end - I’ve let go.

This has all been a hell of a thing.

Romans 2:4,

KC

Dear Q,

I like you and I really wish you and I were more than what we are now. Valentine’s Day is coming up and I’d love to spent it with you. I miss our long conversations and I don’t know if they’re the kind of topics you’re in the mood for so I don’t start them anymore. You liked me once so maybe you can like me again? I like you. You make me laugh and smile and you make me feel cared about and safe. Please, if you read this (which I already know you won’t) tell me how you feel?

Best wishes, Me

I’ll never see you again. I can’t even say goodbye. You were everything to me and you’ll never know. Goodbye honeybun. I hope you find the happiness I know I couldn’t ever give you:

I feel you slipping away from my conscience. My rose colored glasses are clearing with the awakening of my heart. I realize all along I was delusional. It’s a bitter sweet feeling to see my feelings for you go further and further from me. For years I have seen you as the igniter of my heart. Now you are just like everyone else.

I have waited for this day. I’m glad it’s here. But it’s sad to see the fairytale I built disintegrate into reality. A dull reality where we had nothing. Where I mean nothing to you and to be fair - you mean nothing to me.

I wonder what days with you will look like now. I wonder what your smile is like - what your laughter is like - I wonder what you look like in the lenses of reality.

Are you even a good person?

If this is an unsent letter or a cry for help, either way I wish I could say this to them but I can't.

It's only been a month since we broke up and you're the last/first person/thing I think about when I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning.

I cry myself to sleep and wake up with those same tears in my eyes every day because I've broken your trust and I don't know where to start to get it back if that's even possible.

You're everything I've ever wanted and you handle me so well when I start having panic attacks. This anxiety is EATING ME ALIVE and I don't want to feel this way anymore... I know you're tired of feeling it to but it's not going to go anywhere until I've processed these emotions.. even after we broke up the first time and I finally got clean and started thinking clearly, those months that went by without me messaging and blowing up your phone, you were STILL on my mind and heart just as heavily as you were the day that I ripped us apart.

And now I've done it again, I don't know what comes over me when I have a moment and I blow up. I try to tell you I feel overwhelmed but I don't think you understand why I feel that way and I don't think I know how to express that to you in the right words. .. I wish I could tell you this right now but I can't because you keep blocking me and won't allow me to process these emotions... You tell me to leave you alone and stay out of your life and that hurts because I thought we had a better understanding for each other than that.

I say things I don't mean and mean things I don't say sometimes when I get confused or if I feel pressured and I don't want to give any of the wrong answers when you ask me for one.

I feel that sometimes you think I only want you for your body and i would be lying if I said I didn't over sexualize just the fantasy of us being pressed against each other but that's not all I see when I look into your eyes. I see someone whose been broken torn down and hurt, and I see that I too have caused you alot of that pain....

I never want to place myself in ANY kind of position where I would be able to hurt you, but I have all these mental issues and it gets pretty difficult to control my explosive emotions when we're always on the phone.

I don't want to spend time apart anymore than you do when you're not so busy hating me for the things I do and say. I know you don't hate me specifically you just hate the way I treat you when I get upset all the time.

It's not your job to fix me you didn't create this mess.. I lfbi could I would beg of you to normalize a limited contact with me instead of a no contact standing that way you could decide when we talk and when you're ready to do it and that I could relax a little knowing that if I shut up eventually it will come...

I don't mean to drive you nuts or make you crazy but this is how I feel %100 of the time when we're not talking and I didn't realize that this is possibly how I made you feel when I got mad at you for always talking about how you feel.

I invalidated your feelings and I deserve what treatment has been given I deserve the taste of my own medicine as some would say.

But you provide so much emotional support for me and I can't just give up on something that brings me so much joy. And I know it's the same for you because any time we're together and I'm not bent out of shape I can see how happy I make you just by saying I love you more every time you say it to me and we go back and forth on that for a little while....

I miss you and I love you... Even though we've never touched you're all I think about when I get excited and you're the only person I think of when I lay down for bed and wake in the morning. . . But I guess I have to leave this here in hopes that you might find it one day and it won't be too late... But again I gave those hopes up because I've seen you a thousand times in this place without seeing you. I feel the letters I read are part of the words I should have listened to when I wasn't listening cause I thought you were trying to argue with me. . ..

Ill love you always.. .. even if you never see this...

We used to always come back to one another. For three years. You were my safe space and I know I took you for granted sometimes. Conversely, I know you mistreated me, too. But I always thought there was a deeper bond. I often thought to myself that you were my soulmate. I always came back to you when I would think about the future. You were, in many ways, my plan for the future. I would envision us settling down at the end of the long road. I thought you really loved me the way I loved you. My heart physically aches when we would be apart. I have felt you rip my heart out at least three times. This is the final one. I was drunk when I called, but I deep down knew what I was doing. I knew what I was saying. In my mind, I was coming home. When the phone rang four times, I knew something was different. You used to always pick up on the first ring. I know it's cruel and unfair to have this expectation of you after months of being apart, but I guess I always thought you'd be there. I always took solace in the thought that you were the one man I could always count on when I was weak. When I called and your inbox was full, and then on the next call it wasn't, I knew you heard me and chose not to respond. I feel absolutely devastated, in a way that I have not felt before. When we broke up this final time, I told you that I couldn't handle knowing if you met someone else. This feels like confirmation that you have. I feel so choked up inside that you're really gone and I feel so guilty, like this is all my fault. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have let go. Maybe I should have put up with your behaviors and maybe those bumps in the road were the natural course of love and I pushed it away. I know I've treated you wrong and I wish I could undo the times I've hurt you. I wish we could unwind the mean things we would do to one another and leave only the love. And sometimes I wish we could unwind it all, so I wouldn't have to feel this heartbroken. I loved you so so so much. The moments we shared were so real to me. The love I felt for you was real and it kills me to feel this confirmation that it really was all one-sided. You were just lying when you would tell me you loved me. All those times we would talk about kids and the future was just fodder to you when it was so real to me. I feel so incredibly devastated and like the jig of love is up for me. I know I set unfair expectations of you. I had you up on a pedestal in my mind and that no man could ever love me or be there for me like you do. And now the pedestal has crumbled. You don't care about me anymore. Full stop. The silence is deafening and I keep trying to give you excuses for it: maybe his number changed, maybe he's with his family and can't call, maybe he's drafting me a novel. But I suspect that you've either moved on or you're just done with me. And it throws me back to that tiny closet in my mind. The one I would hide in when I was young and alone. I feel like that same little girl who hyperventilate alone and I pray for something, someone, anyone to stay. And they never do. Even at my quarter life crisis age. They never do. I feel so undeniably fucked up and unwanted and unloveable and just ashamed and self loathing. I feel like I should just jump off a cliff and disappear and no one would care. Not even you. You were the only one I thought who would always be there, and now you're not. I feel like this is all my fault. I don't know how to cope with your silence. It hurts more than my father leaving. It hurts more than my first or any other breakups. It hurts the most because it was you. You who I always thought would be there. I feel like I took you for granted and I wish I hadn't fought so hard to be strong and independent. I wish I could have more easily took solace in your love and make it happen. I wish I had been open to moving instead of selflessly devoted to staying here for my family. I feel like I have lost my deepest desire and dream of a future because you are really and truly gone. There is no safety net or backup plan. It's the end of a dream and a big part of my heart having to let you go. I keep sobbing harder than I have in these past three months. It feels like confirmation you don't want me, you've moved on, and I feel so pathetic and embarrassed that I just can't. I fear I am going to die all alone. You were always the safe place in my mind that would keep that fear of mine from happening. I don't know how to cope with losing you. It feels like the biggest loss of my life.

I've wanted to say this for the longest time ever. I've wanted you to notice me. I've wanted you to like me, to reciprocate my feelings. Yet i know you can't, i know I can't.

How could you know when I don't even have the courage to talk to you. Something deep inside me where if you keep dwelling you will eventually see my bulging heart, beating every second and yearning for your love.

I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry for making you feel Distanced, I'm sorry for everything I've done to you.

Wether it was today, tomorrow, yesterday and another time, I'm truly sorry. For disturbing you, For doing things that weren't meant to hurt you.

Even if you cannot see this now or whenever, I hope you know

I Love You

I Love You with every bit and piece of my soul and body that's been ripped to shreads with your affection and attention, something i never deserved.

I hope out there you find someone better, someone more charming, someone more intelligent, someone who wouldn't treat you like the way i did to you.

So I'm gonna say it one last time before you leave me and i leave you.......

I LOVE YOU

You want me to bend, master? Watch me break.

You want me to suffer? Shall I cry, whimper, sob, or scream? What pleases you most?

You want me to fight? I need neither armor nor sword-just give me a stick.

You want me to die? May I dig my own grave first?

You want me to regret? I do and I will-at your command, milord.

You want me to play? What about "catch" with the moon?

You want me to lose? Myself on the way to Rockbottom? Let me grab a shovel.

You want my shirt? Take my skin with it.

You want me alone and desperate? Fine. What is life, anyway? Get me a ticket to Judecca.

You want everything? But sir, I am nothing. Yet here I stand.

There is nothing you cannot take, and nowhere I can hide.

I am still grieving. I’m happy now, but that doesn’t take away from my grief. I missed you during review period. I missed you when big changes happened. Not as a lover but as a friend. You were the first person I 100% opened up to, and I’m hoping not the last but I’m more hesitant to just give anyone my thoughts. With you, it was easy. Our time together was unorthodox and I know that in the end it wasn’t meant to be.

I used to be upset that we were not as meaningful to you, as we were to me. But, I understand it more now and I’m working through it.

I wish you nothing but the best.

11:11

i’ve often wondered how many tabs you keep on me. if you know about this account. if you watch my online activity silently. it probably should bother me but i’ve just accepted that part of you at this point. so if you are here, i have some things to get off my chest.

i love you. i love you so much. and i hate that saturday went down that way i really do. but i have been holding onto a lot of hurt and doubt for awhile. i know i should have communicated that before it festered and blew up but to be honest i just wanted to believe in us. i didn’t want to challenge it, to fight. and so when i sat there next to you, pretending that you’re not consistently dishonest with me, ignoring your addictive behaviors and reluctance to move forward with this relationship- well, it just felt so unfair for you to be upset with me about something as insignificant as singing in public. now that i’ve calmed down and reflected yes i see the toxicity in that thought process- but i just wanted you to know because with out that context it probably seems like i ended things over something stupid. in reality, i broke up with you because i don’t know how to be with you and feel secure.

im not ready to officially retire my dreams of growing old with you. but i do need to step back and stop forcing it- i need to repair the parts of me that depend on you for validation, and you need to build the confidence it takes to be honest and accountable. and we can’t do that when the love we share is too safe and warm to accommodate the challenges of self improvement.

but god do i love you. i miss you so much already. all i want is your skin on mine. for you to call and say it’s all okay. but we keep going in circles and it’s getting us nowhere. i don’t want that for us.

if it really is over i need you to beleive me when i say you’re the best friend i’ve ever had. i will die loving you , no matter what, and i am so proud of you. my body will miss yours forever, and my heart will always have a place for you.

i am going to try very hard to not call or text you for a few days because i think we need that. but every second between now and when i can hear your voice again is gonna hurt.

i’m sorry this isn’t easier. i’m sorry i don’t know another way.

i love you entirely and endlessly buns. this little family we had will never be whole without you. & i will never say never.

My lungs and throat feel lined with menthol. It's like the muscles in my chest are going to pull so tight they snap my bones. My heart aches every day.

It's almost been years at this point and I'm still lost. Was stealing my trust a game to you? Did you get what you wanted?

I feel worthless.

I know why. You are unaware of your own triggers and you lashed out. Horribly.

Still, the question remains.

It was a very surreal feeling, seeing those messages of hate and anger pour in, just to see the very words you were trying to punish me with, were simply a reflection of yourself.

I didn’t attack, berate, assume, cast judgment or just be mean to you.

The crazy part is where you realised I’m not a game player. I don’t chase and I honour people’s requests. You said some really ugly things and that was enough for me. I told you to leave me alone and I mean it.

It took you a long time to bother to type the words ‘I’m sorry’ and that was only after you realised you could not manipulate the situation to be in your favour.

It was comical that hours after telling you to leave me alone, you suddenly messaged with a totally different attitude and acted like you were just being reasonably grumpy and now you’d woken up a little so all was okay. Id be embarrassing myself to accept that nonsense and to ever entertain you again.

It’s a shame because I could see we would have connected well if you were on a similar level of communication and emotional intelligence with me. Even as friends, but I don’t have the energy to entertain you again.

I’m sad to write this, but at least it happened now and not later down the line. Some people put on good shows, others let the mask slip. Thanks for showing the real you.

Goodbye sb

do you remember the night in your car when you saw a shooting star? what did you wish for?

was that the same night that you cried to me over memories of your ex?

the night of my birthday?

do you still think about all these things as much as i do?

do you still think about me at all?

I hate writing this down. But i dont have anyone i can have this conversation with. I love you, more than anything else in the entire world. Believe it or not i love you more than every single person in this entire world and that includes my parents who have given me everything and loved me and supported through everything. So i hope you understand how deep my love goes for you. Despite all the amazing love ive experienced in my life from my family and friends which is quite a lot, i still feel unworthy of it. Especially romantic love. I have never felt like im the kind of person who'd ever get a worthy romance in my life , im just not that special, never was never will be. I remember the day i replied to your post. My friends refused to go out with me because thier significant other didn't want them to. I felt so defeated because even if its toxic they still had someone who paid attention enough care about what they do and where they go. Whereas me, i was a free spirit. I went to pubs and flirted with random people and went home alone. I meet new people but i still felt empty. All those dates and i felt lonely. I was feeling a lot self pity that night and i found your post while doomscroling on reddit, i was intrigued. Because at the end of the day, im not a party girl ,im not someone who flirts with people and have random hook-ups, Im someone who writes poems about love and day dream about a fantasy romance.
When you replied me the next day, i didn't have much faith but i needed a distraction but you held my attention because of how genuine you were and most of all how much interest you showed in everything i have to say. Six months into this, i know for sure that what made me fall in love with you was the way made me feel like i matter and how intrigued you were in everything i had to say. You paid attention to who i am and made effort to understand me. I have never in my life experienced that. My entire life ive been the giver ,always the people pleaser and for once it felt nice to be on the other side. I dont have to pretend with you , i didn't have to accommodate you before my own needs. It is an incredible feeling. But i dont know whats wrong now. I genuinely dont know. As i am writing this i can barely read because of my tears. I went to bed yesterday crying and here i am today, crying again for the past 2 hours. And i know im a big crybaby and that makes me immature but to be honest, i feel hurt twice stronger than normal people. Maybe im weak or maybe im too soft. But it always hits me harder. What makes even sadder is the fact that i know while im here crying over your silence youre sleeping peacefully unaware. When we call while you play your game, you used to tell me you love me a hundred times in between, where did that go? Why didnt you talk to me at all last night? Why did you hang up the call, dont we always sleep call on weekends? Why did you text me at all today? You didnt ask anything, i waited for your texts, anything would've been fine. I quite literally went to get a pregnancy test just to have some topic to have a conversation without looking desperate, and then i texted later again about taking test because i wanted to talk to you even if i was mad but why do you make me feel insecure and needy? Why did you tell me we can watch a movie after dinner and then didnt even call me? I was checking my phone every five minutes after 6 because thats when you usually have dinner? If i wanted to watch a movie i can do that anytime i just needed to spend time with you. And most of why didnt you say goodnight, it made me cry for hours and still am I wanted to ask you about how youre feeling about starting new job and i wanted to tell you how proud i am of you and wish you good luck I wanted to ask about your tooth ache , but i guess i wont Because as much as i love you, you are being awfully distant and i know its somehow my fault, it has to be And on top of that i see reels and theyre all like' signs that hes falling out of love ' and how guys changes when he loses interest I just want to protect my heart,im terrified and extremely sad. I am absolutely aware that im exaggerating things in my head but ultimately i cannot control my emotions and to be honest my gut is telling me to prepare for a heartbreak. Why would you do that to me? What did i do wrong? I swear to god i love you so much. I dont even know how I'll survive if i lose you ,even the thought of it is hurting my entire body and it terrifies me if youll be fine with that. Like , your life will go on as if nothing happened cause youre emotionally much stronger than i am. While ill cry until i get sick.

The more i think about it i think id want you to be happy genuinely, even without me because i love you. And ill find my peace someday because you deserve happiness with or without me. My eyes are starting to hurt, i hope you sleep well. Im not gonna send this to you because tomorrow is you first day at work. I want you to have a very positive first day. I dont want my dramatic ass to rain on your parade. So i hope you enjoy baby. You deserve it

Love isnt supposed to hurt , but it does sometimes. Youre a good man but im afraid if youre meant to be my man or not

did you know it was me when you messaged? why couldn't you just have left a comment?

God how I love you. You showed me kindness. I paid you back in love. You said you liked my attention. Now all I have left is a way to say How non functional I am without you in my life.

This is my emotional toll, my break up to you. I will love you but I know it's over. I hate when things are over. I will not chase anybody I think ever again.

That's the tragic part of it. You were supposed to save me from myself. I told you it never ends that way. No I won't make a big deal of this but I wasn't a creep I was just a lonely guy. A guy who could of loved you for the rest of his days. You only wanted my attention but not me. Still trying to figure that one out. Anyway I love you still, you are toxic and I do not know why? It doesn't make sense to me anymore.

I really wish things were different between you and I. I hate this state of limbo that we are constantly dancing around in. I’m torn between wishing I never met you, and meeting you being the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I miss you so much, even though I see you all the time. It feels like even when we’re in the same room, we are an ocean apart. I keep asking myself, "how did one kiss ruin everything?" and I keep coming up blank. I will never forget that night, as much as I wish I could sometimes. I meant it when I told you I loved you, I know I was incredibly drunk, but I’ve never meant anything more. I don’t even know what it is about you, it’s everything. Everything about you is endearing to me. The way you talk, the way you walk, that damn smile. You never leave my head. We used to be so close, you even said at one point that I was your best friend at that place, then we kissed and now that’s all gone. You avoid me, and I avoid you. We don’t talk about life anymore. I want to talk to you so badly and try to fix this, but I don’t even know if you care anymore. I know you’ll never read this, but on the off chance that you do, I love you with all my heart. I love you so much it scares me. Just thinking about you gets my heart racing and puts the dumbest smile on my face. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel like this for another person. You are in my every waking thought, and you haunt my dreams too. I can’t escape you no matter what I do. Every interaction we have plays in my head over and over again. Memories of the way you would look at me sometimes, they way you would smile at me, the way we laughed together. I miss you so much it hurts, but being around you hurts too. It’s such a wonderful and terrible conundrum. I feel like I say the dumbest stuff to you, because I’m just so embarrassed and hurt and I don’t know how to act around you. How do you interact with the love of your life while trying to hide that I think that you’re the love of my life??? I feel like there’s this huge elephant in the room every time we talk and that none of our conversations are real. I hate that. It never used to be that way. Being with you used to be so easy, like breathing. You and I are so similar, it’s crazy. Maybe one day I’ll gather the courage to say all this to you out loud, but for now it stays here. Just know that I love you, A and I think I probably always will. There is no one else for me, you are it.