For lazy folk, TDLR is at the bottom.

I'm on Reddit again... Yay.. there's no one online that I can talk to about this that would care irl, so here it is for internet strangers who also don't care.

You know how roaches would come out if you spill something on the floor? So will ants.

Long story short, I finished washing dishes, mom didn't wanna cook, neither did I, asshole bro was asleep. She ordered KFC and since the people who deliver it take so unbelievably long I went upstairs for an hour and a half- (KFC is 20 minutes away from our house. )

Some relevant backstory: I have an ant infestation(mild?). I think they built a nest in my wall because they always come from there. The ants have gotten so bad that if I leave ANYTHING touching the floor on my bed, I would be waking up to and least 15 itchy large ant bites that itch and hurt for days. They get into my laundry or anything really that is touching the wall. I don't throw food away in the bin in my room. Sometimes I leave a plate with morsels of food left on my dresser overnight but only the tiny MFS that like taking the dead brethren I killed with my nail up to my window sill as if it were a grave yard get to it. End of backstory

After eating, I left my very salty chicken skin leftovers in the box on the floor after roach proofing it(big mistake). Within may be thirty minutes I was feeling tired and ready to clock out for the night, I was getting up to brush my teeth then I saw a few thousand dark, big af ants marching to the leftovers in the KFC box. Since I have been preparing for a fight with these ants I already had half empty flit in my room. Not really sure if that's a word Americans know, as I am not American but if you don't, it's insecticide. I got up and and sprayed the ants, only to reveal a few thousand more. In my very short lived moment of intelligence I picked up the box with something disposable laying around and threw it out side my room, which again revealed thousands more. Most of the ants I sprayed died or were dying, but I had to through my laundry, which was in ants outside my room aswell. All of these ants were now roaming free outside with thousand fallen in battle. I didn't suffer anymore bites but I know I'd be yelled at for 'spreading my mess outside.

But thankfully the curious,spiteful bunch that got angry I wasn't food yesterday was either killed when the bit me or died in battle. Other than the multiple slain soldiers I'll have to clean up tomorrow I am now thankfully ants free(mostly). Those who lived will seek revenge for their kin. Battle with an empty flit bottle will be long and perilous, but that is my fate to bare.

TD;LR: Left KFC box with leftovers on the ground and thousands of biting ants got into it, battle fought and won with a ton of clean up to do.

I know your probably wondering how the hell I join the kkk by accident and to that I’m not even sure. It all happened so fast I could barely have comprehended it, it was a normal day at work nothing seemed off unit this one guy walks in turns out he’s a new colleague. We will call him Tim important to note he is a tall lanky white male not gonna lie I felt intimidated by him especially because his office was right next to mine at the time I thought nothing of it. For the next couple months everything went by fine and we rarely talked to each other beside the occasional “good morning” I was fine with this dynamic but one fateful day one of my colleagues had asked me to go drop some papers off at Tim’s office I obliged not knowing the consequences of my actions and that this single incident would lead to a world of problems. I walk into Tim’s office and give him the report he fucked up a spot and we needed him to fix it Tim said he would but he needed for me to get him a fresh cup of coffee I had some time to spare so I went over to the coffee machine and filled his mug up with black coffee nothing else just black coffee yeah I know he’s weird but what can I do Tim thanked me for the coffee and asked if I wanted to hang out with him for some reason I stupidly accepted and we met at Starbucks to have a chat about the files and what he had done wrong in the report key detail my car had been rammed and it was being repaired so my only source of transportation was a bus and a occasional Uber so I arrive at Starbucks and begin chatting with Tim about 20 minutes later Tim gets a call and leaves for a second he comes back and tells me that he has to get going it was only 3:28 at the time and the next bus would be here at 4:30 I didn’t feel like waiting so asked him if I can tag along seeing no harm in it Tim thought about for a bit but allowed me to after a few minutes of driving I was starting to think I had made a mistake but it was too late there was no turning back we are now in the middle of the woods and I see Tim exit the car and open his trunk he puts on a white cloth and puts on the white hat my heart dropped when I realized that he put on a kkk cloak I asked him what that was for but all he did was say you’ll see before motioning for me to follow him scared and hopeless I obliged after a bit of walking we made it to what seemed to be a group of 25-30 men all in the traditional kkk clothing they asked who I was and Tim said the words I remember like it was yesterday don’t worry he’s here to join us” after Tim said that the guys tone changed and he was acting welcoming I didn’t want to say that I wasn’t so I initiated for the kkk so that’s how I accidentally joined the kkk.TL;DR

Y’all know Mr. Pretzels .. i was at the mall with some friends a few years ago and we decided to try some parmesan mini pretzels from there ..

they were so good

so um one of my friends went to the bathroom and while she was gone i was buying a second order of the pretzels but only had enough room for the tasty seasonings on the pretzel

So, i proceeded to lick off the cheese and salt and put the soggy, very obviously licked pretzels, on a napkin beside me. At this point the napkin is all wet and the pretzels are soggy and piled up onto each other.

My friend comes back from the bathroom and i decide try something hilarious. I was going to offer her some of my devoured pretzels….. i thought anyone who saw my mess would immediately know that they had been tampered with, but apparently not !!

She thanked me and proceeded to eat them, she was clueless. She did ask if i had done anything to them afterwards, but me being me, i said no

Me and my other friend still laugh about this story so i thought i would share it lmao

So...it is basically what title says. A normal day at work, i decided do go to bathroom to take my daily load and i tought i had locked the door. When i was just finishing my bm i realized somebody trying to open the door. Until there that was pretty normal because there is only one bathroom and it always happens to be taking a shit and somebody just sudenly knocking the door and scaring the fuck out of you. The problem is when i realize he actually opened the door... for real...I was just sitted there, complete vulnerable and he just made eye contact with me, made an awkward facial expression and closed the door without saying anything. After that i lock the door, wait some minutes and then leave the bathroom. Let's see if he will say something. shit....how could i let something like that happen... I really fucked up guys.

TL;DR: I went to bathroom at work and tought i had locked the door. It happens i didn't and, as consequence, my boss caught me shiting.

So this happened a few years ago. I had a crush on this guy since highschool but was too shy to say anything since he was apart of our circle of friends. Finally after a few years of sex and a surge of self confidence I went for it, kinda.

It started at a friends party. It was the game, Never Have I Ever. Let me tell you, I drank a lot. He found out I have a high sexual appetite and made some jokes. He offered me to sleep besides him on the couch. After awhile I woke up to pee. When I came back I'd only fit on reverse laying (head at his feet, his head by mine) and later I had wanted to stretch out. I had, in my sleep, put my heel on his dick and slowly stretch/kicked him until he woke up still drunk. Not sure what to do he sat up and tried to escape as I slowly crushed his dick for 20mins as he struggled. I have no idea why he didn't wake me. But we laughed about it later and kept talking.

I'd invite him over to watch movies and finally after a few times of that I decided now or never. Dick time. I realized once he was over I was not wearing sexy panties. My goal was to go through my underwear drawer and pick a pair out discreetly and go to the bathroom to change. He wasnt looking at me as we talked so I felt like it was a solid plan. Well half way through picking up a nice pair he asked, "What are you doing?" Caught and unsure what to say, "Uh looking for something pervert. Why you wanna see my underwear?" He asked what I was looking for and I said, "Why you wanna try on a pair?" It was meant to be said jokingly but for whatever reason it came out awkward and makes me cringe now. He said, "Well if you want me too." I said, "Do...do you want too???"

And let me explain. This is a hairy man who is above avg in weight. Not small. I think I tossed him a pair thinking this was all a joke. Like haha nice try. He puts them on and I watch. Thinking this is where the joke is or something. You could tell we both weren't into it so I'm not sure how it got this far but i knew needed to wash them after this.

After the panties came off, I sucked him. Dont ask. I guess I was waiting for something all damn day and at least wanted something out of this. Maybe sex after? He was laying down in MY bed and I was between his legs. So my feet are near his feet. Well he came and was too sour for me. He said, "Oh, I think I can cum again." I was surprised because it was so soon. Right after he came. So thinking maybe I didnt do a good job I started jerking him. Well. A squirt of piss came out. I immediately stopped and jumped back on instinct. Suddenly hes pissing. Pissed all over himself and thankfully I narrowly dodge every drop. I'm so taken aback and confused I just got up. Grabbed a towel and tossed it at him. I needed a moment to collect myself to I hid in my bathroom for 10 minutes wondering WTF. I offered politely if hed like me to wash his shirt(the biggest victim piss covered wise) and he could shower. After all, he lived 45mins away. He drove himself but still, Idk what else to do.

He immediately declined and was embarrassed. I didnt know how to handle the situation. I mean. Netflix was up. It was playing. I just sat down on the corner of my bed looking at the TV and not at him. Waiting for him to say something. I witness him then lay on his stomach, where the piss was, onto my bed. All I could think about is how I have to wash everything and how do I even react. Can guys really not tell? He seemed super apologetic later. I was planning on hugging him at the end of our visitation if nothing sexual happened but definitely not now. I couldnt believe he was on his stomach where the piss was, touching my bed. My brain stopped working. We watched Netflix for an awkward fucking hour. He got up and left. He msged me later about being sorry and how it was all an accident. Many guys have told me later it's a completely different feeling and hes an idiot. And he is. We stopped talking after that. The update is, we pretend nothing has happened when we see eachother and ignore eachother for the most part. Hes in a long term relationship and has a kid currently. Group of friends know what happened but it's not mentioned when we are both at the same place.

TLTR; Got with crush, after sucking him off and him cumming, he pissed himself and got it on my bed. Never spoke to him again.

   YIGFU… ironically this day started out with my husband and I marathon boning (it was a Sunday), but that’s not the kind of fucked up I’m talking about. Not to over share, but to give context to the story, I’m a very quiet and shy little lady externally but that’s not who I am internally. So, after three years of marriage my husband has come to accept quiet ‘vanilla’ sex most of the time and then a day every so often where I lose my mind, rip off his clothes… and just don’t… get off of his dick. [Clears throat] Anyway, as evening rolled around neither of us felt like going out to eat, or moving, so we decided to order delivery and of course over ordered for two people. While we waited for food my husband starting working on his college homework and I was left to answer the door. 
As mentioned, I am extremely shy and awkward (especially around men- probably because I am perpetually horny) and low and behold, an extremely good-looking guy came to my door with our large food order and his bright smile. (Dude was cut! Had adorable dimples- the works). Well, needless to say, I couldn’t make eye contact/look at him. With my eyes fixed to my floor and some awkward mumbling he started handing me food and I handed him a 50-dollar bill. I asked for 10 dollars back thinking that I was tipping him some amount of money… math is hard. (Oh, and of course I totally spaced on putting a bra back on).
The awkwardness continued as I continued to collect food, not look at him and giggle uncontrollably. He offered to close my door for me and the transaction ended with me actually saying the words, “Thanks man,” and him accidentally bumping my awkward little booty with the door. When all was said and done and I shook off the forced social interaction, I thought to myself, ‘wait a minute… did he say that the food totaled $42.50?’ Did I not only not tip this poor, adorable bastard but also made it so he owed his restaurant a rando $2.50? Damn you bouncing tits! He was distracted and math is hard enough as it is. I'm just standing there with sex hair feebly hidden under a baseball hat... Was he thinking about math or, 'what were you doing today?' (I may or may not of had cum on my shirt) Would he accept such a short if I shorted him, or would he have said something? I don’t think I will ever know if he said $42.50 or $32.50 but I will always feel terrible about this! Maybe one day I will be able to talk to dudes who are not my dude, but for now… I have to start looking for other restraints who will deliver way out were I live.     

TL;DR Accidentally super shorted the delivery guy and feel terrible about it!

Im new to weed. Tried it a few times at home since it became legal to try it in my state. This weekend, 2 days ago in fact, my friends and I were in Vegas celebrating my good friend's 30th. On our last night there, we planned a nice steak dinner. I drank a little that day and at the very most, felt a slight buzz. We get to the restaurant and wait for our table and I take a trip to the restroom. In the restroom my friend asks if I wanna try her vape pen so we can taste the steak a bit better. I think, sure great idea! She mentions to only take a puff since it is stronger than what Im used to so I do just that. Tiny puff was taken and I wasn't really sure if I got any, let alone enough but I figured she said it was stronger so I would wait and see.

We go inside and order and start eating appetizers and bread... 30 mins or so later and I'm not feeling any different at all. I ask the friend to borrow her purse for another puff and go to take another hit. This time IDK what I was thinking... perhaps the alcohol made me worse in judgement .... but I took a big lungful instead of a normal puff. I walk back into the restaurant and everything is fine for a bit but I start to feel it coming on very quickly and progressively get more high. I start to worry my other friends will notice and text my friend "shit... the telltale sign for me at this level is my eyes get red" and I text her "I def. had too much" I was still an amount of high I was used to when I texted that but not a level I wanted to be in public... After that it got worse and I remember thinking "fuck I'm not going to be able to sit through dinner and be normal at all like this. Too intense and not good feeling at all anymore. Need to go back to hotel somehow"

So I asked my friend to get up with me. I felt guilty as fuck for ruining her dinner but I had to do something and I didn't want the whole world knowing what was going on if I could deal with it quietly. Also my husband isn't terribly fond of me trying out weed lately so I wanted to avoid telling him if possible too.

Well we got up and walked a few paces and suddenly I'm waking up on the floor of the fancy steakhouse we were at... some people are standing around and I don't remember a lot... I pass out again after they get me into a chair I guess, so then I'm waking up in said chair.... some people help me into a wheelchair and they take me to an ambulance. I tell my friends to enjoy the food we ordered and my husband accompanies me to the hospital.

They check everything. My blood pressure is very very low but slowly gets better with time and fluids and everything else is normal. They feed us sandwiches around midnight or so. Not bad, but also not steak. I get to go back to the hotel at 2am exhausted with a doggie bag of our dinners waiting in the fridge.

Learned to not attempt any level of crossfade, cause alcohol affects my judgement even at barely buzzed levels and my blood pressure goes way too low with the combo. Also learned to avoid treating a vape pen like a bong hit, especially in public.

Anyone else had a similar experience? Would love to feel a little less like an idiot.

So I live in the south where the towns around me all come together to have parades and ceremonies. One of these ceremonies is a ball that a casino hosts. The casino goes all out for about 3 days, friday, saturday, and sunday. I was a senior in high school. I had a pretty strong immediate friend group that I have known forever. One of my friends, we will call him frank, is not into drugs like the other 4 of us are. He doesnt mind us doing all of our crazy shit, and his parents are very wealthy and they got us a room in the casino for the 3 nights of mardi gras.

The first night was fun. We had a school mardi gras dance, we got to the casino and kept drinking and did some cocaine. I took a xanax bar and my other friends did too. I was walking around the casino not giving a single fuck. I was 17 pretending to be 22 with my fake ID. At this point I had shown my fake to pretty much every bouncer in the casino while I was fucked up. I honestly dont remember much from that night.

The entire 4th floor of the casino is a party floor. EVERYONE knows about the parties this hotel has. The 4th floor has open bars in every other room, as long as you had a wrist band you didnt have to pay for anything. Each different room is decorated with people raving under trippy lights and music or people just drinking or maybe doing some coke.

The next day was the best day. We woke up hungover and still a little bit barred out. (xanax) We had these brownies that we bought for the weekend. The person I bought them from was always reliable and was very serious when she told me to split each brownie and dont eat the whole thing at once because it was strong. Seriously, each brownie was $30. And I believed her. So that morning we decided to each eat a whole brownie. HOLY FUUUUUCK. I was soooo fucking stoned. We decided to watch a movie after all agreeing that our faces were numb. Everything felt like a damn joke. WE turn on some kids show called the last dinosaur.

One of our friends calls me and asks me to come escort them through the casino to the hotel side of the casino. Im the only one that can do this because im the only one brave enough to use my fake. Still stoned as fuck, I was so scared to go down there because I get anxiety when im stoned. But I said fuck it. I nutted up and went and got my friends. I remember walking through the casino and coudnt walk straight and coudnt stop smiling.

Later that night (STILL stoned.) we decide to start getting fucked up. We each take a bar, and start drinking some vodka and get ready to prowl milfs on the 4th floor. Needless to say we are just stpid fucked up by 10:00 pm. We went to a concert that the hotel was having and talked to so many relevant people in our community while we were absolutely sauced. My cousin broke up with his girlfriend tonight because honestly she was getting in the way of us going crazy haha. We remain on the party floor drinking and partying around 10:30. We see our friend, Roger, and he's like what UUUPPPP. Roger brings us to a room on the party floor that had the door locked. I walk in to see some of the nicest big ole titties I have ever seen. And Roger and some other people we knew were doing cocaine off of these titties. At this point it is only me and my cousin, we got seperated from ouur other two friends but they were somwehere on the same floor.

After getting all coked out and whatnot, I texted my separated friends and we all managed to meet up even though we are all too fucked up for anything. If it wasnt for the cocaine I might be slumped. We all decide to go back up to our room and take the tabs of LSD we had recently ordered.

We get back up to the room, take the tabs, and go back to the party floor. We are all fucked up and unaware of what these primo ass tabs are about to do to us. Again, us being fucked up and whatnot drinking, we got separated on the party floor again. About 40 minutes after dosing, I realize that the acid is about to completely take over. Everything started to feel different. I just had that feeling in my nuts that the universe was about to turn upside down, ya feel?

I know that once this shit hits, we are gonna need to be together tripping as a squad. I make a power move to get us all together IMMEDIATELY before this shit kicks in and its impossible. I cant even use my phone to text at this point so im running around the part floor looking for my fucking friends. I get them all together and we go into a certain room that had the trippiest lights and we danced our asses off for about 3 hours. The comeup was amazing.

After that we decided to go to the roof of the parking garage and smoke some blunts. We get separated again and its just me and my cousin now. Somehow, I cant even remember how, we met these two girls I went to high school with. They were two grades older than me and I knew them kind of well. Let me tell you that these girls truthfully are smokeshows. Both solid 9/10. So they meet us around the elevator and we are still tripping but they dont really know. They want to come smoke a blunt with us so we get to the top floor of the parking garage where my car was. I had a jeep so the top was off. I open the passenger door for everyone to hop in, but the hotter of the two girls walks to my driver door instead and sits right on my fucking lap. This girl is hot like I seriously dont know anyone that has fucked her.

We smoke the blunt and at this point my sobriety is just fucking wrecked. I had been doing coke, I took a bar about 4 hours ago, had been drinking red bull vodkas ALL NIGHT, and on top of that i was on about 200 ug of some strong cid.

After the blunt I start making out with the girl on my lap. Im fucked up in love. It felt like a dream. Well this girl asks me if I will drive them down to the front door of the hotel because they want to go to the casino. I am in no condition to drive, but obviously I was fucked up so I said yeah why not. I fucking drove my car down all the floors of the parking garage, with this girl still in my damn lap. I remember having to look around her to switch the gear to "DRIVE". I pulled up into the valet place where taxis bring people, I stop, this girl hops out of my lap and gets out and I have to stop my cousin and this other girl from making out in the backseat and she finally gets out, and then I just drive away back to my spot at the parking garage. So many people were watching when I pulled up to the valet. Im so surprised nothing happened.

For the rest of the night we met up with our friends and sat on the balcony of our room and smoked cigs and looked over the beach.(stayed up all night until a parade at 11 a.m. the next morning-still tripping)

Best weekend of my life. Thanks for reading.

So Im a college freshman originally from Highschool X, and my two best friends from work, seniors of Highschool Y, invited me to a party with their friends. I didn't know anyone besides them, but thought Id play it safe and come prepared with medical party favors.

These highschoolers were about to get fucked up, when my dealer told me he had "Fire OG" he wasnt hyping, the strain was so named.

So when we got there, I took my buddies straight to the back porch with me, and acquainted myself with everyone out there. We drew a little crowd with our odor. Amongst them was this guy who looked like he smoked good. Skrillex hair, obscure band t-shirt, he was prepared. The Jay came back around to me for the umpteenth time, and mid sentence I dabbed it out on my Nasty Light can. Not missing a beat, Skrillex swaps places in the circle and says hey Ill eat that to me.

"Nah its fine bro, you don't want it, its mostly just the crutch"

Not to be denied, he says audibly for the group to hear, "I'll eat the roach". I liked this guys attitude. Here you go man, have at it.

Later in the night my Canadian friend, who I shall name Julian, drove me, Skrillex, and some girls to wawa for some munchies. After making our purchases, I asked Julian for his pocket knife so I could pop the safety off the lighter I bought. At which point Skrillex pulls out this 5 inch blade and takes a stance. Ive got a knife too man, whats up. "Easy man, I get it" I assure him. He was joking, but I didnt get the punchline.

Later in the party comes the most stressful moment. I was lit beyond functionality, and all eyes were on me to roll a fat J with a salad of people's weed. I sanctioned an empty recycle bin as a table, used my light colored sweatshirt as a tray, and used a business card for a crutch this time.

I think it was pearled. It was a memorable sesh. And it was just as most people inside were getting rowdy or nauseous. Every pass of this individual though, I had to coax him out of eating the jay. wait till it's beat bro, I swear..

A little bit later in the party Im outside below the porch, propping up my Conrad who had a bit too much to drink, and thought he could use a hand. I leaned him against my back, so we were sitting back to back in the lawn, and I rolled a small Jay for the two of us. On the 3rd pass I noticed the Jay took an extra stop before coming back to me. "I'LL EAT IT"

I almost flipped out, where did he freaking come from.

I let him eat it because why not. I did a shit job on that one and it was about 1/3 smoked (a bit of bud left in there in retrospect)

TLD want to R; I passed out on the couch next to a pretty girl, woke up to being effort-fully lifted, shoved to the side, and then falling back onto a empty seat on the couch.

Yeah, so I was faded at this point in the night, and this girl was teaching me to play Rummy. (She destroyed me, like 200 to 50. I thought I was doing so well though, I was oblivious lol)

By this time its 3 am, so we all go to sleep on the couches, and floor. When I woke up to her muscling me to the side, I recall that I was in the middle of a nice dream. All Im saying by that is, idk what I was dreaming, but I hope, I wasnt acting anything out... waking up to some dude holding you like a teddy bear couldnt have been how she expected to wake up

...from a fraternity party

Ok so this was first year uni. My bud and i drew xs on our hands now were in this party drinking for free. And drink we did.

We decided we were not too fond of these frat guys who are all wearing togas.

So fuck em. We will steal a full keg of beer. My bud will tell me when the coast is clear and i will take it outside hey easy right?

So he gives me the signal. I lift the keg out the door. Holy shit this is heavy! I had no idea.

Guess what? Coast isn't clear. I leave the keg on the porch. No big deal ill just go back in and blend in. Everybody else is wearing togas

Im in the kitchen dude comes in pointing and yelling. Shit son.

So i run out of the house chased by an angry toga mob. Thankfully the togas are slowing them down

We run down the street hop a fence and hide in somebodys yard until the coast is clear

Man i miss that dude

When I was younger I was ecstatic. I was finally invited to a party with people from college. This was a big thing for me because it was my first party with alcohol and I wasn't very popular.

Anyway, I turned up to my friends house at about 10AM and we started on the lager and played some music. I was one of the first people there seeing as I was rather close to the guys who were hosting. Gradually more and more people arrive and the party started. It went downhill from here.

The party was in the garden and me and three other guys were sat around a table. After a few drinks I was slightly tipsy but still functional. Eventually the eleven or so other people went into what I can only guess was a drugs shed, but I didn't want to go and find out.

The alcohol which I had already consumed had filled me with confidence. Too much confidence. So while everyone was in the shed doing whatever they pleased I drank all of their drinks. ALL OF THEM. Ranging from Beer to strong Vodka and everything in between.

Unsurprisingly, I passed out but soon woke up when I got soaked by a freezing cold hosepipe. This is when the sick began. I threw u everywhere. In the bathroom, all over the house, in the guy's mum's flowers and even on a few people. The worst however was his pet chihuahua (which, I'm relieved to say, didn't drown).

After my spewing session I passed out and awoke in a hospital room; I had gotten so fucked up that i needed to have the alcohol pumped out of my stomach.

I wonder how my liver felt.

I decided to take responsibility for a scheduling issue at work that I had no control over. I was just to work on the project, but my step in the process hadn't been included in the schedule.

A couple of emails from me (ccing the powers at be) later apologizing for the problem and underlining my responsibility -- and the people who were responsible for the issue looking on confused -- the buggers responsible threw me under the bus.

It started with "this has nothing to do with you." It moved to "you are not the only one responsible." And we ended up with "well, don't look at us."

The cause of the problem was a new employee who was responsible for scheduling the project leaving my part out of the schedule. The person that was supervising him wasn't supervising him, so didn't realize this until it was too late.

This only came to a head when the client asked for the project earlier than expected. I just happened to take the day off that day as I (thought that I) had no work that day and had some paid days leave in hand.

I checked my email in the afternoon of the day that I took off to see that the company was trying to get in touch with me. I contacted the office and decided I should go to work so that we could meet the new client deadline.

I arrived at work at 7pm, working on the project until 4am, then staying at work to start a new day from 9am. (There is no public transportation until 5am and a taxi home would cost $US100.) I am taking a paid day leave, so there is no (financial) "love" coming my way for this (magnanimous) gesture on my part.

I had just recently had my performance evaluation and the company's evaluation was (and has always been) pretty low. I remembered the company telling me some time ago that I don't take responsibility for my mistakes, instead blaming those all around me. Since then, I always try to put my hand up when things go south, no matter what the issue is.

In my mind, this was a perfect storm. A way of appearing like a responsible career-minded individual who took their job seriously. Also taking the bullet for my younger colleagues who were actually responsible. Win, win! In the end, however, I am left laying on the road with the tire marks from the bus the only "badge of pride" for my efforts.

tl/dr: I thought it was a good idea to take responsibility for something that had nothing to do with me; however, those responsible threw me under the bus (with my encouragement!).

So when I was like 16 I was at my buddies house which was just a party house in a really nice neighborhood and we trapped the fuck outta that place but his mom was always on Valium locked up in her bedroom and do to the kids trust fund he played the fact she need him to live really... But anyway him and like 4 of our friends decided to get bars and one of the friends came to me and said if I bought his bars he'd share his coke with me.. I was totally down! Now I had done bars once before and coke twice before but never mixed them! When I did bars the first time it was fine I just chilled out on 4mg and nodded off... And when I did coke before I was just extremely talkative. But tonight I decided I'd take 5mg of Xanax to start with. And that was fine! Then my bud gave me the coke and we were great! Then thirty minutes later like a dream I see myself with a bar and a half in my hand... All I had. And I remember telling myself not to take it but then 1 1/2 hrs later I "wake up" and check my pockets and have zero bars... I'm like fuckkk so then I hit my buddy for more coke and we got even further geeked now all of the sudden I feel very aggressive, and apparently a dick so a couple of my friends locked me out of were we were smoking so I rammed the door but it was solid hahah so I just went to the living room where a couple others were while I was walking through the grand room I saw the weed plug (good friend that sold the bud) was passed out and I knew he'd have a lighter cuz I didn't so I went through his back pack and black out then I "wake up" and he's asking why I was in his bag now in my mind flurry I didn't realize I should've told him I was just looking for a lighter but I thought he was accusing me of stealing bud but just a couple hours before I bought an oz from him so he didn't think that but I didn't make that connection at the time so I started yelling and called em out on his home invasions and blacked out next thing I know homeboys mom is taking me home and yelling at me.. So I stumble inside and smoke a bowl and my grandpa goes boy you're fuckkked up and closes his door so I go to my room and I was wearing joggers which are tight around the ankles and while I was trying to pull them off I tripped and hit the bridge of my nose on the wooden foot board of my bed and I remember blood running down my nose into my hands then all the sudden I actually woke up at 2 in the afternoon and there was no blood in my room so apparently I handled that well... Then I went back to my buddies house and as spoon as I walked in the house they all started laughing at me and told me shit I didn't wanna know about when I blacked out.. But then we smoked about it and we still get fucked up together well most of us! Hahah

TL;DR: Don't read if you expected something funny. Got hot sauce on my head, forgot how to wipe it.

I've never really had any experience with alcohol/getting fucked up in general so this is kind of like my real first time experience:

Well not exactly the first time, I'd smoked sativa strains twice before and so little that it barely made a difference but this time I got it from another dealer who gave me what I can now assume was indica, and assuming I was an elite having smoked twice already I proceeded to roll a few of the thickest joint I could manage to learn from brief 5 minute youtube how-tos. It was my friend's birthday and he invited a few of our mutual friends over and after smoking up we proceeded to eat at the local pizza outlet, I was fine when puffing it and as we started to walk in the general direction of the outlet, I started feeling it. It was as though I was trying to walk on a treadmill that was intent on sending me in the opposite direction to the way I was walking, my hands felt that they were in a swimming pool and I could really swim to get there faster. I felt like I was walking for ages but it was actually less than a stretch of 4 blocks, and once I reached I felt I never walked in the first place, this was all well and good, really feeling it now, really happy, trippy not fucked yet, they were playing some tunes on a radio in the background and the TV had fucking animal planet playing on it. I was like wtf how can animal planet have fucking tunes to beat it (around the time MJ passed away) going on in the background?! Anyway the pizzas arrived and this idiot friend decided to put what I think was hot sauce on my bald head (OOH I WAS BALD!) and having gone bald only recently, I seemed to have forgotten how to remove it from my head, like wtf do I like use water or do I like use my shirt or something after much thinking I realized everyone of my friends are now looking at me, most of them amateurs such as myself laughing their ass off, myself included apparently. A rather helpful and not so stoned friend decided to grab some tissue paper and wipe it off from my bald head, a tr00 friend.

This was a couple weeks ago, So my brother and his fiancee threw a jack and jill party before their wedding. basically a huge barbecue, family around lawn games, and lots of fucking booze. Me being the youngest and newest to drinking in my family, i waited until my brother, lets say, 'invited', me for a drink. after that it was like all hell broke loose. between the hundreds of beers in the fridge the table full of liquor and the keg, i was set. jaeger is a preffered drink on mine. so once i spot that out, i start ripping shots like no other. As the night goes on, my bros freind craig shows up outta no where! everyone was all excited, dude flew up from miami. he tells how he is now a male stripper named dallas, im thinking to myself 'what a douche'. so we continue drinknig, and i notice he starts picking on my nephew more and more as the night goes on. My nephew ended up breaking down crying, so i go up and grab this fucker by the neck and shout at the top of my lungs, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE." my whole family rushes in, see me all pissed. and my brother then tells me it was their plan to "toughen" up my nephew. so now i'm the douche that made everyone leave. Great.

tl;dr go to drunk, choked brothers old best friend, everyone hated me

So this all happened in June or July 2014, when I was 2 weeks off turning 18 (legal drinking age) side note: I am female and science major.

My parents were cool with me drinking at home with some friends as long as it was beer/wine/sparkling wine. So I organised a night of fun with my best friend, older sister and my slightly younger brother. It would have gone swimmingly if my friend hadn't brought a bottle of vodka... A few drinking games, 3-5 bottles of champage and almost the whole bottle of vodka later, we were all wasted. I kept kissing my friend saying "No homo" in games, getting half-naked, etc. The last clear thing of the night I remember was downing a Glass of champagne...

The next day I heard from my bff that first, they had to cut me off and put me to bed where I passed out for about half an hour. I then threw up in my own bed, had a really long shower and finally had an hour long panic attack about "saving the tigers!" and "I would die for the tigers!", etc. My best friend and sister had to talk me down from my drunken panic until I finally fell a sleep/passed out again until the morning.

TL;DR Got drunk with my bff and siblings, got a bit crazy, threw up then had a panic attack about saving the tigers.

Pro-tip: Know your limit beforehand and don't have lots of alcohol in the immediate vicinity.

EDIT: baby-edit of 2 typos

Part I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was at my table drinking scotch one evening pensively reminiscing on my past relationship. that day would have been our one year and our breakup conditions weren't stellar. (God told her to do it.) Still reeling from our demise four months later on the above mentioned evening, I decided not to wallow in pity and have fun playing dominoes with friends. After three hours of play the games ended because midterms and jobs were upon the horizon, I myself had a calculus test the next day, so we adjourned for the evening to resume at a later date. Once it was me alone in the dark with George Jones bleeding his soul through the speakers of my phone, I lost all control and hit the rum hardcore. The only thing I remember between falling to the floor and waking up handcuffed to a gurney was pissing in the flowerbed and telling my ex "happy noniversary" (actual quote) followed by some NSFW expletives. Apparently I had drunk dialed my friend telling her how i was sorry for bleeding from the wrist and when she asked how bad it was I sent her pictures of my table covered in blood. Then I passed out, so out of fear for my life she called the cops and they took me to a mental hospital for an evaluation. Needless to say I missed my math test the next day, but began to seek sobriety fearing I may have a problem.

TL;DR: I got fucked up and depressed and my friend thought I had died and she called the cops.

Part II~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After my release from the hospital the next day, the doctor had recommended I not drink or find a healthy outlet, advice I took with more than a grain of salt. About a month after that I was completely sober but I still had more booze in my house than a Caribbean rum runner could dream of. The simple solution was to throw a party! So i called up some people but again, work and school were deterrents and it only ended up being my brothers and my cousin who is a female. Dominoes were played, drinks were made and good times were had until my cousin asked about the bottle of 100 proof soco in my bar. having never had it before, she asked what it mixed with, I told her pretty much everything sweet, orange/grape crush, and her favorite, Dr. Pepper. I made her a drink but she said it was too strong, but it tasted good. So being the good host I decided to drink it for her and make her another, less stout beverage. Besides, I was a month sober, I was doing well with stuff, and the whole theme was out with the old, in with the new! Right? Wrong. Between the two of us, we drank the whole brand new one liter bottle of 100 proof soco, and again I blacked out. I woke up to bloody knuckles and white powder on me. Apparently after a retelling of a game my older brother and cousin played when they were 8 that involved them kissing, and a horrifying story of how my older brother ate my OTHER female cousin out in the same era on a dare, I dared my now 27 year old cousin to kiss me. And she did. And I think there was a remark along the lines of "you kiss better than my ex...." I don't know for sure. But for some reason I punched out a window and broke a vase and basin and destroyed my house.

TL;DR: After getting out of the hospital, I threw away a month of sobriety to make out with my cousin, and punched out a window and broke an antique vase and washbasin.

Part III~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three months later, after many successful evenings of sobriety and inebriation, I was at my dads playing dominoes and darts with my brothers and father celebrating my youngest brother being off parole for some BS trumped up charge of harassment and assault (long story short he's an idiot and needs to stay away from 16 year olds) when the alcohol came out. No surprise as I come from a long line of alcoholics. after four hours of drinking and games, I remember playing darts, dominoes, then arguing with my brother. I black out and wake up handcuffed in a cop car. Long story short, my brother and I started a fight, my dad stopped it, but i went to drive away, so i started to fight him for my keys, and my brother got back in it. it was literally 30 minutes of them beating the shit out of me but not being able to knock me out in the front lawn. The neighbors called the cops who were about to taze me.

TL;DR: i got in a fight, almost got tazed, and got my ass beat.

So it happened on NYE 3 weeks ago.

I was so fucking drunk and I had vape a bit of weed. I had brought my swimsuit to go in the jacuzzi, but when the time came, I couldn't find it, so I went naked.

No big deal, eh. But I kinda started showing everyone my dick. It was kinda funny.

Now the real fun part. It was cold as fuck and my hair was starting to look like icy dreadlocks, so I went back inside to put my clothes back on. So I managed to forget where the fuck I had put them, and I ran around the chalet naked looking for them for like 30 minutes, while still showing everyone my cock laughing like a moron. I managed to get some scratches everywhere on my body, and I have no idea how they got there.

I didn't find them, some friends gave me some clothes and I went to bed after puking at 4 am. I found them the next morning, on a hook in the room where the coats were.

God I had never been this drunk.

I got drunk and had to pee. There was a long line for the one toilet so I decided to improvise and went out the back where there was no light to pop a squat.

The home owners had a massive hole in the yard for a diving pool (it was huge and deep!). I didn't want anyone to step in my pee so I squatted as far over the hole as I could balance in my heels and drunken state.

I didn't hear or see anyone else there and as I was peeing I heard a manly cough. There was a freakin dude standing next to me!

I got a fright and fell into the hole and slid down the now wet dirt :-(

I still got hit on by the guy I was there to flirt with hahaha.

Real awkward trying to nkt explain why you have the hose on and are washing your legs and a bit of your clothes and have taken a towel off the clothes line... :-/

YOLO!

This was back in high school. My BF is a year older than me, so he took me to his Senior Dance. It was a two hour drive to get to the boat, then dinner, dancing etc.

Before we go at the high school to load up on the buses, we pre-game at the BFs. I did about 6 shots of gin in a very short span of time. Needless to say, I threw up on the bus before even leaving the school parking lot. I did manage to puke in my BFs backpack, where he had his nice shirt to wear once we got to the boat. All I remember hearing was the girl in front of me yelling something stunk like death.

At one point we stopped and my BFs friend went to get off and throw the backpack away since it was the source of the stink. Before he could get off the bus he was told it was the wrong stop, so he had to walk the bag BACK to where on the bus we sat.

I passed out for a while, and when we stopped for a rest stop I got out needing to puke again. I made it to a garbage outside the rest stop and puked. We had a chaperon that was about 23-25 and she asked me if I was okay. I manage to tell her I get car sick on long rides (which wasn't really a lie per say) So she helped me to the bathroom to clean up. The rest of the trip for the most part goes well. I ate and danced. Heard a few complaints of some weird smell. At that point I wasn't shy about telling people it was me, and I threw up.

At that point it was just a funny story.

I just found this sub and this is my best fucked up story that I can remember :) I hope this doesn't read to horribly!

OIgfu by accidentally smoking crack. I was about 16/17 at the time and we were gearing up to go out to celebrate a mates birthday (I live somewhere in the UK and its fairly easy to go out and get drunk as fuck if you look old enough where I'm from) we were pretty fucked up before the crack incident, we'd been drinking pints of red wine and smoking bud since about half 5 in the evening and it was now getting to be about ten or eleven. We rang a taxi to take us into the town centre but as were outside some shops near my house (we needed some cigs) a pretty shadioactive looking guy came up to us and gave us a geoffrey, which being 16 and quite stupid even for teenagers, we smoked quite happily.

Fast forward to the morning and I wake up in my bed with no shirt on, a curry dish next to my face and one of my friends who was out with us asleep on the floor. It turned out the geoffrey was crack and it made for a very strange night indeed according to my friedn after he woke up (he wisely chose not to participate in the smoking crack part).

He told me that I got so fucked up i collapsed outside the bar in a puddle of my own sick fairly early on so he took me home (top friend points), a few days later at school wefound out what transpired the rest of thaqt night from other people who were there, and it wasn't pretty.

suffice to say one of my friends had sex in an alleyway with a middle aged lesbian, another got thrown (physically thrown) out of a club for minesweeping drinks and broke a couple of bones i think and another sucked a guy off. moral of the story, don't smoke crack.

This actually happened during my sophmore year of High School. I had Foods class (like Home Ec. but just the cooking part) first thing in the morning that year, and I liked to smoke weed in the morning before I went to school. We were allowed to eat what we cooked at the end of class, so it only seemed natural to make sure I came in with a hearty appetite. My group was mostly boys who were more interested in eating the food than cooking it, so I voluntered for the task of melting the chocolate in the double boiler. It took while, so I just stood there stirring the mixture and started to daydream while staring straight ahead. Eventually, the teacher yells "Bernsy85, what are you doing!??" She sounded more concerned than angry. I snap back to reality and there is a cloud of smoke coming from the pan right in front of my face. She saw the smoke and me just standing there with a blank look on my face staring ahead and stirring the entire time. She must have thought I was having a seizure or some other medical problem. I can still picture the look she had on her face, and it makes me laugh now, but I was a silly teenager then and I was scared that I was about to get busted. Luckily, since we were using the double boiler, the chocolate didn't burn, it was just clumpy and grainy when it was supposed to be smooth. When we stirred it into the cream mixture it didn't blend well and there were chunks of chocolate in the cream. I said it was fine, it was just cookies and cream mousse, and my classmates liked how it tasted. I thought I should have gotten an "A" for creating a new recipe, but she gave our group a "C" for the project (which was the lowest grade she ever gave out.)

Edit: Spelling

I was considering making a throw-away of this since the wife's a redditor but meh, she'll probably read this and laugh.

So four years ago i married my swole-mate who i had been with for a little over 2 years. Up until the wedding day I was on a diet which pretty much consisted of Grilled Chicken Breast, Broccoli and Whey Protein shakes. I hadn't had simple-carbs in forever. So wedding day comes, me and the bro's were getting dressed in the hotel and decided to take some shots, which turned into us killing a bottle of Patron Anejo (5 of us Total). Limo bus arrives, we party on our way to the ceremony location by killing a bottle of Ciroc (her parents back yard). At this point I still haven't eaten anything and i was starving but the sight of my wife walking down the aisle made me forget how drunk i actually was. I'm buzzing feeling good, and then the sun comes out, so here i'm sitting in a tux in 75F degree weather with Patron & Ciroc being the only thing in me. We exchange our vowels, we get married, take pictures, and now it's time to party.

At the reception I get myself another drink, something simple (Jack and Coke). First sip and I can tell there's going to be alot of drunk people here because that drink was really strong. So we mingle with people, make our entrance, do a dance, and then i black out. This is the point where I start "Time-Warping". Here's what I remember:

1. Standing outside smoking a Cigar with the boys.
2. Dancing to some Salsa (we had taken salsa dancing classes)
3. Throwing a Garter
4. Cutting a cake
5. DJ playing shots and me taking shots with my Best Man
6. Waking up in a hotel room

I had completely missed my entire wedding reception and I remember nothing from it. All I have are bits and pieces of that once in a lifetime moment in my life and I regret it everyday still. Wife told me she was in tears because she wasn't sure if i was going to wake up because apparently i had to be carried to the room as i was completely passed out. When i woke up she was furious with me and I had to power through that day because we had a flight to Jamaica for our honeymoon. I want to make it up to her badly but I know nothing I can do to recapture that moment.

TL:DR - Got drunk before wedding but powered through it like a boss, blacked out at reception due to more drinking, completely missed out on reception, still regret doing that.

This story takes place about three years ago when I was 18. I had just recently started drinking at the time but still managed to drink a fuck ton. On this particular night I had been chugging beers like a mother fucker. Me my two friends and my girlfriend all met up at a local park to drink. I was already very blitzed at the time but decided fuck it thug life. This was a bad choice. I had never had tequila before and my buddy had a handle of it. I them proceeded to chug that bitch.

After a little while I decided to punch the fuck out of a street sign that probably said " don't do stupid shit". I still have no clue why I punched the sign but I did. The impact gave me a hair line fracture in my wrist and hurt like a bitch. But I was waisted so it was all good I guess.

I then proceeded to fuck the ever living shit out of my girl friend, just in time to throw up all over the street. Then the cops came and took me to jail for being drunk in public.

Jail was cool... Met this crazy black dude that talked like a high bill Cosby. " blew I was just here yesterday blahs blu bee". It was an entertaining conversation. Then this crazy dude that kept talking about how his girlfriend and best friend had just got hit by a car before he was arrested got pissed at me for having nice clothes on. He wanted to fight me and take my shoes? So I laid him out.

Tequila never ever again.

Tldr: donkey punched a sign fucked up my hand drank tequila went to jail punched a crazy dude.

So yeah it happened two years ago. I had just turned 17 that summer, and me and a couple of friends were meeting up at another friend's house for a movie and some drinks. Everyone brought something, and there was a nice bottle of Jägermeister sitting in the fridge unopened, so I decided to take that with me.

Now I must let you know that here in Belgium 14-15 is the average age to start going out, and I started when I was 14. So you can guess I don't get fucked up that easily.

So anyhow, right before we were going to start the movie, everbody with a vodka-redbull in hand, his parents got home. Unbelievable timing. Long story short, everyone had to leave and no movie was seen that night.

Then we all went too a bar, nothing special, just a couple of beers. Followed by another bar, where they know us much better and you could do pretty much anything as long as you didn't break anything.

Heck two years ago before the non-smoking policy here in Belgium you were allowed to smoke weed in there. But I didn't smoke weed, so that's kinda irrelevant.

So on to the best part. We had a few more beers there - Note that at the most I was tipsy then - and I was out of cash. So I take out the bottle of Jägermeister, and pour a little in my glass, and then drink it of course. Nobody except my best friend wanted any of it, and he only wanted one glass.

So I'm sitting there, with a bottle of J and no money. What does one do? Right. Drink more of that shit.

Soon enough I am feeling pretty wasted, but I'm not fucked up yet. That's when I did fuck up. I poured 3/4th of a beer glass, which is about 20CL, and was halfly-forced to down it at once because one friend had my shoe. After this glass and a few more 1/4th glasses, the bottle is nearly empty and I am beyond wasted.

I lay down because I can't handle it anymore, until I feel my stomach contracting, and we all know what follows after that. Puking. I puked there, and then my friends got me home. This is were it gets bad.

So I'm laying in my bed, spinning like crazy, when I feel the urge to puke again. My bathroom is pretty fucking far away, past all the bedrooms, downstairs and again past the front door. So I stand up in complete darkness, not knowing where is what, but thinking I'm almost at my door. I wasn't. I went in to grab the wall, but failed and somehow fell backwards, knocking my head really badly. But I had to get to the bathroom. So I strumpled downstairs, while I heard my mom shouting my name.

I didn't care, I just had to puke, luckily I was sensible enough to get to the bathroom. So I pass the frontdoor right when my sister gets home, my mom sees her, starts yelling at my sister, I sit on the bathroom floor puking my guts out (in the toilet!) while everyone is screaming like mad. Next thing I know I wake up in my bed, crazy headache, and see a large puddle of blood on my pillow.

So I got a bump the size of a tennisball that bled all morning while I was sleeping, a concussion, and a really mad mom and sister.

I lived with my mum on an island in Thailand couple years ago, and I've been learning to play electric guitar in this one bar. I did play some things, write, do some shit, then just waited for my mum to pick me up. There was no people there, save for some kids having a small concert in the distance, and the barman took out a joint and just handed it over to me. I was curious, and ended up playing chess with him, being chill, fine, then I began to mistake the chess figures for other things, and ended up laughing all the way as my mum drove the bike home.

So this occurrence happened a good couple of years ago when I was 19. It was a pretty regular Saturday night, and one of my really good mates was round at my boyfriend and I's place. We were getting pretty fucked up, tequila if I recall and a mixture of shots, plus my bf and I were rolling some pretty fat joints that night.

As it often happens we decided at some point of the night that we had the mean munchies and needed to cook a feed. Its worth mentioning that my friend at I were naked from the waist up by now (please don't ask why because I honestly can't remember, but according to my boyfriend who was the soberest at the time we had been comparing breasts). Lucky we had some spring rolls and samosas in the freezer and I put them in the oven. Now my oven is set into the wall, and when the door is down its about waist height for me.

Anyway I later go to remove our food, still naked, and the next thing I remember im on the floor with and friend and bf shoving ice on my breast. My breasts were/are pretty big and apparently as I was drunkenly getting our munchies I rested my bare breast on the hot oven door. I have no reconciliation of this. The worst part is, after dusting my self off and ending a good night (the food was eagerly consumed) I left the wound for a good couple of days until it was nice and infected and had to be put on antibiotics, never mind the 2degree burn I was sporting- im sure I don't even need to comment on the pain. I still have an impressive scar to this day.

Don't drink and fry kids. Don't bake and make.

So this happened to me about 5 months ago. The day started out with me and my friend buying 2 bottles of uv vodka. we went to a park and started drinking. he was chasing with monster and i was chasing with diet coke (lucky me). My friend called one of his friends who drove to the park we were at just to hang out. Both of us had taken about 5 shots worth of vodka so far but his friend didnt drink anything because he was driving. He agreed to drive us to his house where we could hang out and drink without having to worry about cops. so we get to his house, listen to some music, and begin to empty both the bottles. my friends friend now joins in and takes a few shots. about an hour goes by and the bottles are nearing empty. I have drank about 80% of my bottle, same with my friend and his friend drank the rest. it was at this time that we all had the brilliant plan to so some friendly boxing. I had never been in a fight before but i had a lot of liquid courage in me at the time and my friends friend was a trained boxer so he had some gloves laying around. I put on one pair and finish my cig as my friends friend starts jumping up and down and stretching for the fight. i had no idea what i was in for. we square up and start the fight. he begins throwing some punches that i block with my nose and both of them are trying to give my drunk ass pointers on how to fight but its not helping. i manage to get just one right hook in that he didnt block. in the end my nose started to bleed so they had me sit down and take a break. so i went to smoke a cig while my friend boxed him. after they finished fighting we stood in a circle talking and i began to zone out. my knees were shaking and i could tell i needed to sit down. before i could do that my legs decided to lock up and i sat down head first into concrete. i didnt crack my head open but they were freaking out. thats when i blacked out. i wake up and im laying in a hospital bed with a tube going down my throat and a catheter. i was told that an ambulance found me unresponsive laying in grass somewhere with my eyes rolled back in my head, pale cold skin, and my blood was turning acidic. they first thought it was a heroin overdose but after the blood tests it came back at a blood alcohol level of .45.

This takes place back about 1 and half months ago. 16 at the time. This story starts at around 8PM on a Saturday night. I had just downed 32 CCC and a bottle of Delsym. Fast forward to around 11PM. My trip is starting to come on. For whatever reason, DXM usually takes 3-4 hours to fully hit me. One of my best friends lives .5MI (Rural area) down the street from me. He texts me and asks if I want to go smoke a couple blunts with him at his pad. Being the little shit I am, I say fuck yes, let me sneak out, hold up brah. I decide the best way to do this is through my window. So I crank that bitch open, take off the screen, and hop out. This is one of my first times sneaking out, so I leave the window wide fucking open. Note that as it is important for later.

Anyways, I tell him I'm tripping on a shitton of DXM so he meets me halfway to his house. I'm having troubles walking at this point, so we stagger down the road, me leaning on his shoulder. We get to this bench outside his house that's in the trees and light up. Fast forward to around 2 AM. Homie is tired, so he goes to inside to sleep. I try to tell him he needs to help me walk home, as I can't fucking walk for shit. Well my homie, even though he smokes all the time, can't handle his high very well. When he gets high, he can't form coherent sentences, doesn't understand jack shit, even though he'll tell you otherwise. So he goes inside to sleep, even though I'm telling, using all 200% of my willpower to speak clearly, that he needs to help me. LAWL NOPE, GUESS YOUR WALKING HOME BY YOURSELF FUCKER. At this point I am thoroughly blitz; high AF and tripping balls. I try to get up out of the bench but can't do it. But I am very strong willed person so I'm not giving up until I do. So for the next 30 minutes I'm trying to get out of this chair, managing to lift myself up only to immediately fall back down. Finally I manage to get up by grabbing a branch of a tree above the chair.

I slowly make my way through the trees, holding onto them for dear life, and get to the road. I manage to walk in the road for about half the way to my house, then I just fall on my face. Again, being the person I am, I'm not fucking sitting here like a pussy. I begin "The Great Army Crawl of Apache Ridge". I'm about a 3/4 way to my house when I begin to hear yapping. My area has A LOT of coyotes, mountain lions, black bears etc in it. Yapping is the sound of Coyotes hunting. Now for those of you who don't know, DXM makes you fearless, fuck you world throw all the shit you got at me, motherfucker. I should also note that, the men in my family have this "switch" where if shit can kill you, you go into full on survival mode. By survival mode, I mean I'm going to die covered in blood, screaming like a demon-spawn from the bottom pits of hell reserved for creatures so vile that the devil doesn't dare venture there or your fucking going to. I look to my left. Nothing there. I look to my right. Nothing there. I look behind me. Nothing there. I look in front of me. Fucking Alpha-Coyote with his clique staring deep into my burning in hell soul. I think to myself, "Don't you fucking try me coyote, I will break you." He looks back at me and matches my gaze, with a look of "Bring it bitch." I push myself up to my knees. I'm ready for this shit. I get ready for him to lunge. He starts to growl. "Do it bitch." I think to myself. He lunges. I swing my left arm wide, open palm, and hit him at the base of the jaw. I swing him with both of our forces by leaning back and pushing down. I slam that fucker at the ground so hard Richter be pushing a 11 in magnitude. No joke, I actually cracked a slab of rock in half underneath him. I lock his jaw in place by pushing in and then up, so he can't bite me like the flea infested vermin he is. He howls. With my right, I let out fury of blows on his nose. That sure caused him to shut the fuck up. I throw him back towards his clique. I let out a bellow that shook the mighty halls of Valhalla, so loud it brought a tear of longing for a good fight to the great Allfather Odin. I'm daring the rest of the fuckers to come get me. Their leader gets up, and starts backing away, whimpering. His little bitches follow him out.

It's now 3 AM, and I'm fucking exhausted. DXM + Weed + Coyote fighting does that to you. I continue "The Great Army Crawl of Apache Ridge". I finally get to my house but I'm not ready to wake up my parents and unleash a torrential avalanche of rage, so I pull myself up to sit in a chair at our horse corrals, thinking maybe I'll be able to walk if I give it a few. I chill there for about half an hour, listening to music (BOMB AF ON DXM). But now I'm started to get cold (HIGH DESSERT SWAQQA). I decide it's time. I manage to stand, but the feat of putting one foot in front of the other can't be accomplished. I guess I'm going to have to crawl. I get to my window and pull myself in, onto my bed. I collapse face first into my pillow. I put my ear bud back in and start jamming. I've been laying motionless for the last 30 minutes, when I feel IT. A slithering mass on my back. I think, "OH SHIT". I wait for it slither off the edge, off of me, to somewhere else. NOPE. It slithers above my head instead. I wait for its head to be pointing away from me. I bring my left hand up and try to grab him behind his head. I don't get him close enough, so I try to grab his lower body with my right hand to pull him down. This little fucker shoots his head and bites my right hand. That hurt a little you prick, my turn. I pry him lose from my hand, and hurl him out the window at the cruising velocity of LOCKHEAD SR-71. Yeah, I made that fucker fly. He smacks against the tree outside my window. I look out the window and he's hanging motionless, drooping off of both sides, on a low branch. I'm think to myself shit, I didn't want to kill him. Then I realize my parents would wonder why a dead snake would be hanging in a tree out my window, so I crawl back out, grab him, army crawl to the edge of my property, and fling that glorious bastard into the deeper woods.

I crawl back to my room, this time put the screen on, and kicked back and watched some achievement hunter. I eventually passed out. I woke up the next morning IN PAIN. I didn't notice it, but that vermin coyote made a scratch down my chest from the top to the bottom. Kinda deep, nothing a lot of gauze, disinfectant, pain killers, and time won't fix. I should mention I looked at the snake and found out it was a bull snake. Lucky it wasn't a rattler. Best part of the night, parents never found out.

TL;DR -- Tripped balls on DXM, smoked blunts with homie, couldn't walk, .5 MI "The Great Army Crawl of Apache Ridge", fought coyote, got bit by snake, killed snake, watched achievement hunter, passed out.

So this takes place in my glory days of college. I was 19 at the time and had just gone through a breakup with my girlfriend a few months earlier. I was heavily using adderal at this time perirod.

So the night of the incident. It started out by blowing around 30mg IR adderall and drinking hard in my friends dorm room. I don't remember the exact amount I drank but I was drinking steel reserve which is 8% alcohol.

So I was pretty drunk/raging on adderall and we decided to go downtown. There is only one bar/club in my college town that has 18+ nights and I didn't yet have a fake ID. I blew another 10mg IR and then left my friends dorm.

Well I had a good time in the club and saw my ex so I started dancing with another girl to make her jealous. Fast forward a few hours and I start to walk back to the dorms and run into my ex. We started hooking up (Kissing) and walking back to the dorms together. I was crazy about her and still very much in love. Well she told me that she loves it when guys are dicks so I did what any guy would do and went up to two girls on the sidewalk and said "You two look like your way better in bed than her" which set her off. We started arguing and I pulled out my pocket knife and just plunged it into my thigh and blood instantly started pouring out. I was trying to pretend to stab myself but I fucked up and stabbed myself.

I went into survival mode and decided that I couldn't walk past the RA's sitting at the desk in my dorm building. They were there until 2 am and it was about midnight when this all went down. I threw my knife in someones yard and ran to the creek where people go to smoke/drink. Here I took off my flannel and tied it around my leg to try to stop bleeding. I waited there for two hours and had a friend come find me and help me get back to the dorm. Thank god for good friends. Then I had these two girls come and help me bandage it up with duct tape and gauze.

The next morning I had to go to the hospital and since I didn't have health insurance at the time I had to drive home to a hospital that has chairty care. I was there for a few hours and they were all really confused and thought I was crazy (Which I was). I told them I was cutting wood and accidentally stabbed myself.

I am so lucky that the cops didn't see me running around all bloody.

TL;DR - I got fucked up and stabbed myself.

And for those who want a picture here it is

http://i.imgur.com/u08RZ.jpg