Okay first thing to know about me is that I am socially a dumbass. I cannot for the life of me function in social interactions. I’m terrible at talking to people and idk, I always just seem to drown with anything social.

I also would like to make it known that for whatever reason, lately I have been extremely motion sensitive. Meaning that out of the blue riding in the back seat of a car feels like being on a roller coaster for me.

Okay, so today I hire an Uber to run me up to the post office. Simple. For any one but me :( Right off the bat the car starts moving and I feel that horrible feeling of my stomach dropping. I panic, I don’t know what to do and unconsciously I end up making whimpers of pain noises. And as I do this I’m pretty sure my driver thinks I’m insane because when she slows down or stop I’m completely fine and stop doing it. And then what do I do? Instead of doing the sensible thing and explaining that I am car sick, can you please slow down no! Forget reason and logic. How stupid that I would even dare to think that! No, what I do instead is apologize and then say I’m getting over a cold.

Am embarrassed? Yes. Am I feeling stupid? 100% I think above all though I just feel sad that something as simple as my errand can wind up being a complete disaster when it should just be so easy.

TL;DR: I can’t handle motion anymore and when I tried to go to the post office I ended up making whimpering pain noises.

TIFU by giving my ex a nickname on FB messenger, not realizing they would be able to see it..

So, my ex "borrowed" a lot of money from me. A LOT. My entire life savings, and then put me into debt by being emotionally manipulative.

When I asked about repayment, he had all the excuses and threatened to just claim bankruptcy so he wouldn't have to pay.

The last contact we had, he basically said, do whatever you want because I don't have anything and there's nothing you can do about it.

I've been keeping track of everything. I recently archived our FB message history because I was tired of seeing it evey time I opened messenger.

Tonight, I was playing around with settings and saw that you can set a nickname.. I changed his nickname to "thief", only to see moments later that it showed in the chat...! 😳

I quickly changed it back but now it shows that I changed it twice. Should be interesting to see if he responds..

FML..

Tl;DR: gave my ex a (justifiably) crappy nickname on FB messenger, not realizing they would see it.

For some context, I (14F) have parents who have rather unreasonable rules surrounding making friends online. They say that I can't talk to people online (Not including making posts on social media and comments.), because stranger danger - which is the completely rational and reasonable part of their rules. The part that isn't however, is that even if there is 100% proof that the person is who they say they are, around my age, and not a creep, they say that I'm still not allowed as their parents could be bad people and they don't know their parents so they can't determine whether they're decent people or not. I'm also currently being homeschooled now, and my family live in poverty so we don't really have the money to go anywhere where I could meet friends in person.

Now onto the fuck up. I met a friend who we'll call X, almost 4 months ago (110 days specifically!). We met over me joining a discord server discussing a book, and we both recognised eachother from Tumblr. They quickly became my only friend. With my parents rules, as much as I wanted to tell them I'd made a friend, out of excitement, I didn't because I knew they'd nip it in the bud.

Well tonight (around 2:30am, due to timezones) they were streaming them playing the horror game Mouthwashing, for the first time over discord. X had just finished the game and was getting ready to log off for the night (as it was 6:30pm for them and they had some stuff to do). I'd had my phone flat on my lap, as A. I was watching them play, and B. I didn't think my parents would be awake. I'd been on mute the whole time as I get nervous about talking, incase my parents hear, and my anxiety, so I'd opened the DMs to say an early goodnight and to thank them. Unknown to me, my father had snuck into my room and had jumped on my bed, hoping to scare me or something - I'm not quite sure what his aim was exactly. He saw the DMs open and asked who I'd been talking to. I said it was some person on discord live-streaming a horror game to me (of which was the truth, I'd just left out the bit about us being friends) of which he responded by mumbling an ok and leaving the room. I explained what had happened to my friend, said my goodnight, and went to go talk to my father.

When I spoke to him, he made me swear that I "wasn't up to no good" which is his way of saying that I wasn't chatting to people online. I said I wasn't and that I'd just been thanking them for streaming the game to me, however he didn't seem very happy with my answer.

The problem is, is that now I've got a very high chance of my dad blocking discord from my phone, and probably looking through it too. The big problem with my dad looking through my chats with X, is that we both have very NSFW humour and occasionally NSFW conversations, and we've sent eachother NSFW images of characters poking fun at them. I know I will absolutely be brutally murdered in cold blood if my parents find these.

TL;DR, My parents have an unreasonable no online friend rule, I (14F) made an online friend behind their back as I have no friends irl, and my father caught me with my DMs open and now he might see the NSFW humour between me and my friend If he chooses to look through my phone. This will also mean either way, looking through my phone or not, if he chooses to he will block discord and I won't be able to talk to them anymore.

Today Reddit genuinely might’ve cost me a relationship, I’ve been on rocky terms with my girlfriend as of late and there’s clearly no trust between us anymore but last night I was researching some date ideas to possibly surprise her with to just to make things better.

However, being the pillar of my community. I saw someone had posted looking for parking and ideas for people to do in my city. So I did the obvious thing, and just googled that also and commented on the post.

Just for me to wake up to my girlfriend having gone through my search history and asking who I’m taking on a date tonight, and made the assumption I’d been planning a date for a stranger as I was looking for date ideas and looking for parking as neither of us drive in this city.

Tried to explain to her that this was some poor misunderstanding, but unfortunately the guy had deleted his post asking for parking so the only thing I could show her was the title and my comment making an inappropriate joke as I never actually said anything about parking myself in my comment as he’d deleted his post before I’d gotten to editing my post with useful information.

TL;DR tried helping a guy on Reddit find parking while planning a secret date for the mrs. She went through my phone and didn’t have the context of my searches and now dude has deleted his post for said context.

I am mortified. I have a cold that has been persisting for 5 days. And I’m chilling at the bus stop, right. And my nose, is completely clogged. I cannot breathe and I have no tissue. So I decide, to plug one nostril, blow, to get the sweet relief of breathe once again; keep in mind, it is 11:00 at night, and it is dark and nobody is around. It goes a little farther than intended. And reaches the bus stop glass. And than I plug the other one. And it’s all over my lower face so. Not having tissue. I use my 2 fingers to take it off and nowhere to wipe it. I continue my shameful snot mural with a quick and gentle smear. My justification being, the damage is already done. And than I look up. And lock eyes with a man walking towards the bus stop. He is staring into my soul. And I cannot read his expression, but I can only imagine it is one of pure disgust and awkwardness. And I had to sit there at the bus stop for 20 minutes, until our bus came. The entire time. This man was an awkwardly far distance from the bus stop. I am. Mortified. TL;DR: I shamefully snot rocketed at a bus stop window, by accident. Than from the other nostril snotted on my face. And oh so shamefully wiped it on the glass. And to my surprise. A man was watching me the whole time….

I worked all day today installing 150lb+ wall panels for a commercial walk-in freezer. It's extremely hard work and I sweat a lot. Fast paced and heavy lifting all day for 8 hours. I didn't drink much water throughout the day, just 1 bottle and an energy drink so by the end of the day I was severely dehydrated. On my way home, I bought a large gallon sized jug of 100% pure apple juice made from concentrate. I absolutely love apple juice and haven't had it in a long time and was super thirsty so I drank glass after glass, non-stop for about 20 minutes until the entire gallon was gone. I watched a 30 minute youtube video after that and went to lay down. I noticed that I was farting a lot, like 10 good long rips back to back, maybe 20 seconds apart. Then I went for fart #11 or so, in bed, while laying down and I could tell after a little push that this pitch needed a catcher. I got up so fast outta bed, squished my dog in the process scrambling and ran to the bathroom as fast as possible. I pulled my shorts down and jumped on the toilet and just like a firehouse, about 1/3 of a gallon of liquid came shooting out of my ass. Following that was more horrendous gas, then streams, then gas and so on. After like 15 good sized sprays and splatters I was wondering WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?? I hardly ate anything today and then I thought to google "apple juice side effects." Violent diarrhea was the first thing that popped up and it all started to make sense. I found an OG reddit article about a guy drinking 2 gallons of apple juice and sharting all over his company van while on the phone with his wife and driving 2 hours home in all the shit. Luckily that wasn't my case because I've shit myself so many times in my adulthood that I can almost always tell if it's an untrustworthy fart. So, here I am, legs completely numb and scared to leave the safety of my toilet because I don't know when the next tsunami is coming. Today I learned that excessive apple juice consumption causes extreme diarrhea. I'm just so grateful I drank it AFTER I got home. Could have been way worse.

TLDR: Worked a hard day at work, drank 1 gallon of apple juice, had uncontrollable diarrhea and still on the toilet as I write this. Didn't know that this could happen.

This one is fairly straightforward. Yesterday, while at Goodwill, my wife unexpectedly put a hat on my head. As a hypochondriac, this made me quite nervous. This morning, I woke up with an itchy head, so convinced I had lice that I didn’t bother checking. I gathered every hat and hoodie in the house, washing them in hot water. Once they were done, I went to the store and spent $100 on a lice treatment, new sheets, pillowcases, comforter, and more. Upon returning home, I started treating myself for lice. After letting the special shampoo sit in my hair for a bit longer than necessary, being extremely careful when washing it out, and meticulously combing through my hair with a fine-toothed comb, I spent over an hour of my time. Anyway I’ve come to the conclusion that I didn’t have lice.

TL;DR- I spent $100 and my whole day treating myself for lice that I didn’t have

This is going to be as quick as I can make it, because I’m stressed and shaky right now, and honestly terrified. Before I start I’m going to clarify that I am a firm believer in the supernatural. Things exist with intelligence beyond human capabilities and understandings and I feel it in my bones, how these things always have a way of tugging at me. I’d also like to say that I am a high schooler, not that that’s an excuse for the immaturity about to be displayed. Me and my friends made a hear me out cake on a google slide during class this week. Today, this morning specifically, I added a specific image of a monster from Navajo legend. It was culturally insensitive and I get that wholeheartedly but it was more about the art style than anything at the time that I added it. I am not going to say the name of the creature because I believe very firmly that names are power, and I won't invoke any more rage than I already have. I have a close friend who is of Navajo descent and she believes wholeheartedly that one of these creatures is stalking her. It visits her home occasionally, resides consistently in her dreams, interacting with her inside them too. We have long discussions about the greater beings and creatures of our world, and this is hers, and something we share. (I believe in essentially everything and she believes in this because she has HEARD it.) Well, despite all of this fucking history, and a close encounter of my own with something similar while dicking around in the woods with friends, I still put it on this stupid cake. Sure enough, the creature showed up at her place tonight. She has a sense for these things, a soul deep bond, trust that I can tell- every reiki healer and spiritual guidance place I’ve visited has either become wildly uncomfortable with seeing me because of some odd presence or something, asked if I can see the dead people yet, or stopped seeing me, so I’m obviously an expert (I’m sorry, this is an attempt at sarcastic humor- I’m scared). Animal cannibal (probably in Michigan) is blaring through my headphones, and at the same time, she messaged it’s started playing on her phone because her playlist was on shuffle. This wasn’t my monster to call on, hell, it visits her dreamscapes, it lives in the minds of those who perpetuate it, and it all started with greed. I cannot emphasize how badly I fucked up with this shit, and I should’ve seen the omens, and signs, the whole nine yards or whatever. I disrespected ideologies older than my family lineage, and a whole culture too, and I’m sorry. It started screaming outside her house, and people heard it. It was like it was trying to mimic something dying, like a coyote scream or something, but very, very off. It stayed for a bit, waiting, stalking her, and she warned me that it was serious. That this thing was angry. I’ve apologized, begged my gods for forgiveness, it was just a joke. I’m not religious, trust me, and this seems like I’m blowing it up, but I’m not. She texted me saying it left, and minutes later I started to feel like something was violently shoving me in the back. Hard. Never felt anything like it, and it’s not a knot or something. I have bad posture and this is a lurch, like something is pushing me. I’m nauseous too- the closer it gets the worse I feel. I’ve started shaking uncontrollably and I can hear it now, the sound she described, off in the distance. She just texted me asking if the shaking has started yet. It has. I’m not going crazy. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, I deal with more ghost type and celestial beings as opposed to my friend who has experience with this. I can’t help but think that this all would’ve been avoided if I had just kept this thing off of my stupid little hear me out cake, and I feel like such an asshole for being so disrespectful. It was never a matter of belittling culture, me and my friends just joke around about stupid shit and make light of bad things. I think we went too far this time. I feel awful because I have no idea what I’ve just gotten me and my friends, especially the ones who don’t know the legends and protocols for this stuff, into. At the time, we all agreed and “heard me out” and we put a lot of other bad things on that cake, but now the whole idea feels gross, and dirty, and I know I’m an asshole for doing this to them. TL;DR I invoked the name of something I really shouldn't have via putting it on a hear me out cake, and now it's stalking everyone involved. This thing is dangerous, and I'm scared.

Obligatory English isn't my first language

As a night-owl and an absolute oversleeper living with my close knit family, locked doors are an absolute must to ensure I get my full thirteen hours of sleep daily without getting dragged by the heels away from the loml I call a doona.

The problem is, the sleep ins were far too frequent of an occurrence, to the point the key of my bedroom found its home permanently in the doorlock, which, in my opinion, completely defeated the point of having a lock to begin with. During my rebellious teenage years, I decided to circumvent this problem through throwing the key away in a lake.

I got scolded, the only key to the door was gone, and my sleep became completely undisturbed from that day on.

Until today.

My marvellous bedroom door started having problems closing and opening a few months ago. I didn't pay it much mind as it was an old door, and old doors just do what old doors do, not work.

I woke up a bit early today out of dehydration, planning to drink some water, piss, then come back to my room and sleep. But, the inevitable happened. I opened my door and closed it thinking it was unlocked. Came back to my bedroom fully intending to sleep in only to realise, shit, I locked myself out.

I immediately call dad, hop on my phone, and nap on the couch listening to scalingstories. My logic was that dad will simply apply some dad magic upon the locked door and get it to open. I googled some lockpicking videos in case worst came to worst and didn't think much of it.

I come back to the scene about half an hour later only to see my dad drilling the lock. Except, whatever the fuck he was doing, it seems better to describe the scene as dad obliterating the damn doorknob with a two inch drill bit. That's when I knew the lockpicking hacks weren't going to lockpick shit.

Being a stubborn asshole, I argued that a drill was overkill. My bedroom could be accessed by a window that I figured worst case worst I could just climb through and open the lock from the other side. Continuing the legacy as a stubborn asshole, I decided that I will independently climb up to the window from the backyard, get in, and open the door.

Seems easy enough.

I go to the backyard and realise how damn tall the window is and how hard it'll be to reach. Although it didn't seem like it, the house was located on a hill with a very steep incline, making climbing up to the window akin to climbing up a second story building. I also realise that although my window is open (thank god), there's a layer of insect-net between that I would need to grab scissors to cut.

I rapidly obtained a pair of scissors and a very mildly angry dad (apparently replacing insect-nets were very annoying and rather expensive) as I scaled my way up the building by climbing up some boxes, random cabinets and a watertank in my pajamas and bunny slippers.

The window ledge was about six inches wide so it wasn't exactly comfortable to say the least. I didn't really think about how I was going to get down, either, so I was kind of stuck there until I could figure how to squirm in. Although dad finally applied his dad magic and dismantled the insect-net without needing to cut into it, the tricky part became actually needing to go into the bedroom. I needed to get to the bedroom by weaselling my way in from the tiny gap of the window (it was a top-hung outward window-- yes I just googled it), and it was going to be tough.

So how the hell do I get through. I started envisioning about a million different positions I can somehow get in from. Both legs inside first then wiggle my torso in like an earthworm? Shoulders didn't fit. Left arm and leg in, then try and push my way in the bedroom? I tried but it only resulted in a hip strain. Dad suggested that I put one leg in and put the other in an 180 degree angle, essentially doing the splits and getting in that way. I suggested for him to demonstrate and he quickly shut the idea down.

The winning strategy ended up going in headfirst and somehow manoeuvring my body into that tiny gap, think of the video of that one rat going going his merry way through the toilet system.

Good news, I am now in my bedroom! Bad news, dad's whole drill idea didn't work out the best and now the door is locked from both sides, with the only way of access to the house from my bedroom being from my window. Like an unconventional doggy door.

I am typing this while stuck in my bedroom. Send help.

TL;DR - Locked myself out of my bedroom only to end up locked in my bedroom from the rest of the house.

Wow, I yap too much.

So, I just switched to a new eye doctor because my old one retired. My first appointment with Dr. Cooper went fine until he had me in that exam chair, leaning in super close to adjust the machine for my eye test. Naturally, it’s awkward having someone so close to your face, so I nervously blurted, “Wow, you really have nice eyes!” The compliment came out way too sincere, and he kind of chuckled awkwardly before just saying, “Thanks?” I felt my face turn bright red. I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything weird again.

Fast forward to my second appointment. Determined to stay professional, I tried to keep things polite and neutral. But, right as he was doing that close-up eye exam with the flashlight, I realized I had been staring right back into his eyes. The silence was heavy, and I could feel the tension, but I couldn’t look away without making it weird. So, I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind, which happened to be, “Do you come here often?”

He paused, looked a little confused, and then started to laugh before catching himself and clearing his throat. “Yes… yes, I do, actually,” he managed. I wanted to disappear right then and there.

Safe to say, I might need to find a new eye doctor.

TL;DR: I messed up by accidentally flirting with my eye doctor twice.

If you've ever used a phone by a Chinese company, you'll note they have a tendency to run like crap, filter your photos, and sell your data (so does Google) so naturally, I wanted to install a custom rom. Sure, that's the first solution you think of. It went so well. Bootloader unlocked all at my own risk, and then I try to flash the rom. Not enough space, after some research I found I could delete the "product" partition at my own risk. Having not specified a or b, I thought nothing of it. Half way through going to boot TWRP, it decides to reboot. Having deleted userdata, adb debugging came pre-disabled. It now continuously vibrates and reboots shaming me for killing it. Its only input to the outside world is displaying "Redmi" over and over, and I have no way into it.

£200 mistake. Not my worst work.

TL;DR buy a Google Pixel

Edit: no need to downvote everything, I know I'm an idiot that's why anyone posts here.

Edit again: Fastboot nope. Recovery nope.

Also edit: Get it in your head, I cannot splurge on a phone all at once. It has to be pay monthly or nothing. Ergo debating dumbphone

I love tteokbokki. It's not widely available in my area, the closest place to get it is an hour away. So I buy a bunch of instant cups of it whenever I go to the asian store that sells it. Usually it's €3,50 but today the spicy variant was on sale for only €1,99. So I bought 10 cups of instant tteokbokki. I've never had the spicy one before, but it can't be that bad, right?

Wrong. I overestimated my tolerance for spice, and I'm currently very slowly choking down a cup of the stuff, glass of milk next to me. I'll have to eat the remaining 9 cups, I can't just throw them away. I've tried to feed them to my family but they don't like it either. I feel humbled and painfully white, I thought my spice tolerance was alright. I guess I was wrong. Maybe after I've eaten enough cups my tongue will be numb enough to enjoy it.

TL;DR: tteokbokki too spicy. i'm a weakling.

So, obligatory, this happened about 6mos ago. I was working in sales for a fire suppression/sprinkler company. An apartment complex contacted me for our services. The complex was across state lines, so I took my time getting authorization to go quote the place. About a week. My boss finally said, "Fuck it, get up there."

So I drive about two hours, head in and meet the (very attractive) property manager. She's already not pleased by the amount of time it took me to get out there. And now I have to shit, fiercely. She slowly walks me around the first few buildings, showing me what they need serviced, at one point showing me their furnished "model" apartment & the initiating devices inside. I'm in agony. FINALLY, she says, "Alright, you got it from here?" "Yes ma'am!"

I immediately grab my notebook & power walk my ass straight back to that model apartment. All the interior doors have been taken off the hinges and removed. Fuck. I run back to the exterior door & lock the knob AND deadbolt. Whew. I then yank my flat-front chinos down to my ankles & almost crack the bowl with the pressure I'm handling business. Then it occurs to me, "What if she comes to show this model?" Fuck. I'm now sweating even more. I look down to see no toilet paper on the spindle. Fuck. So I pull my trousers up to my knees & waddle to the kitchen where I see a roll of paper towels. Jackpot. Back to the bathroom, wipe my ass, flush. Whew. Go to wash my hands, no water leading to that sink. No soap either. Ew. Creep back out to the kitchen where I see the same roll of paper towels AND a bottle of Dawn dish soap! Jackpot again. I'm going to get away with this!

I wash my hands and am trying to cool off as quick as I can for fear of seeing this woman again. I shut the faucet off, but I still hear water running. I back up from the kitchen sink, see that my boots are wet & there's soapy water pouring out of the cabinets. I rip the cabinets open to see no garbage disposal, no drain pipe, no p-trap, nothing. Water is literally just pouring through the sink. I'm now on my hands & knees, in a nice shirt & pants, trying to soak up a gallon of soapy water & poo particles with maybe 12-15 paper towels. I get as much as I can & head for the pantry. No trashcan. FUCK. I open the sink cabinet back up & fling this wad of soapy wet paper towels in there & scram.

I walk the entire property as quickly as I can & get the fuck outta there. I get back to my office & draw this woman up a quote. Zap it over to her. A week goes by, zap it over to her again. A month goes by, zap it over. Crickets. Ghosted.

Last, but certainly not least, I was let go from the team for having the lowest sales for the past two quarters. Bruh.

TL;DR I power bomb shit in a model apartment & likely caused significant water damage in the kitchen. Didn't close the sale & then got fired.

Needless to say I'm a democrat who did not vote from Trump so after waking up early Wednesday morning to find out who won the presidential election I saw my sister-in-law had posted that night talking about being tearful and anxious about the outcome. Since I'd just woken up I commented "Fuuuucccckkkkkk!" and left it at that. Later that morning I get a text from my brother asking me to delete my comment so my niece (his oldest) wouldn't see it. She has Asperger's and one of her triggers is curse words which I'm well aware of but hadn't considered that maybe my niece would see what her mom had posted with my response. So no problem, I go on Facebook to delete my comment and see that I had not in fact commented on my sister-in-law's post but on niece's. My sister-in-law and niece have first names that share three of the same letters so in my "just woke up, hadn't had my coffee yet, and dumbstruck state" misread the names. Needless to say I deleted my comment immediately. Hopefully she never saw my comment and has since deleted her post entirely. She's recently turned 19 so this was her first voting in a presidential election. Hope I haven't given her a new trigger regarding voting. TLDR: Posted a comment on my autistic niece's Facebook, possibly triggering her when she was already freaking out.

This happened on Sunday but I am still mortified every time I think about it.

I am a professor at a university and we often use Microsoft Teams to communicate with students.

One of my students, we will call him Jake, hadn't been to class for over a month and was on track to fail my class. Being the considerate teacher that I am, I decided to reach out to Jake through Microsoft Teams chat and check in to see how I could support him getting back on track.

Jake got back to me a few days later with a monster of a message explaining why he was falling behind in the class and asking how he could get caught back up. I was super busy when I got his message and told myself I would respond later.

Needless to say, I totally forgot about Jake's message and days went by without him hearing from me.

Now flash forward to this last Sunday. I was at my boyfriend's house and we were getting ready to go work out. My boyfriend was in the shower and I was laying on his bed in my workout clothes waiting for him so we could leave. It was in this moment that I remembered about Jake and his desperate message. I felt terrible and pulled up Microsoft Teams on my phone to message him back.

But while I was in the middle of messaging Jake back, my boyfriend came out of the shower.

Crucial to this story are three facts: 1) My boyfriend is hot as hell and men look insanely attractive in just a towel, 2) I look really good in gym clothes, and 3) I had my gym shoes on while laying on his bed.

Immediately after coming out of the shower, my lying on my boyfriend's bed in gym clothes was enough to seduce him to get freaky before the gym. And me, being a woman, could not resist his post-shower appeal.

So mid-message, I set my phone down on the nightstand next to the bed, he got on top of me, and we started making out.

A few seconds into it, my boyfriend pulls away and teasingly says, "Wow, wearing shoes on my bed huh?"

And I jokingly respond, "Please punish me for it."

For the record, I NEVER talk that way and I have no idea where it came from.

Now here is the fuck up. Anyone who uses the mobile version of Microsoft Teams knows that in the upper righthand corner, there is this pesky little camera icon. And when you hit this icon, it starts a video call with the person you are messaging.

A few seconds into our freaky session, I hear a "hello?" come from the night stand. I immediately throw my boyfriend off of me and grab my phone.

What do I see staring back at me? Jake. Jake on a video call. Jake on a video call with me who just heard me tell my boyfriend to "punish me" and lots of other noises while we proceeded to get freaky. Apparently, as I was setting my phone down on the nightstand, my finger had tapped that button and initiated a call with Jake.

I immediately hung up the call, finished the response I had been typing out to Jake, hit send, and then lost it in uncontrollable laughter.

Jake responded to my message with a thumbs up emoji and has yet to come to class.

Please pray for my student evaluation results.

TL:DR: Accidently video called a student who heard me tell my boyfriend to "punish me" while getting freaky.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that he definitely didn't see anything. I had put the phone face down on the nightstand so he just saw black until I picked it up. We were both still fully clothed when I picked it up. I checked the call history after and it was only about 10 seconds. Definitely could have been a lot worse lol.

Also we had been doing yard work so my boyfriend was dirty from that and that's why he rinsed off before the gym.

So, this all started as a joke. I’ve been playing War Thunder for ages and thought it’d be fun to put together a squadron—just a small group to mess around and grind some squadron vehicles. I didn’t want to be that guy spamming invites, so I tried to keep it chill, only asking a few random players here and there if they wanted to join. I figured maybe two or three would say yes.

But then things got weird. It’s like my squadron started taking on a life of its own. I’d log in to see more and more people in the chat—players I didn’t even remember inviting. And they weren’t just joining. They started recruiting others, saying things like, “We’re on a mission here. You need to join.” The squadron chat turned into a recruitment rally, and people were hyping it up like we were forming some elite War Thunder battalion.

By last night, I had dozens of messages from players asking how to join and saying they’d heard about our “squadron takeover.” Even people in battles started recognizing my username and asking if they could join. At this point, it’s like a runaway train. I went from being a solo player to accidentally leading what feels like a digital militia, and I have no idea how to handle it.

TL;DR: Tried casually recruiting a few players for my War Thunder squadron, accidentally started a full-on squadron recruitment cult, and now I’m leading a crew that’s bigger than I ever planned.

edit : P.S - after a lot of DMs asking to join. Please stop DMing me. 🤯 Don’t judge me. The squadron is called PHAGZ (Precise Heavy Artillery Gun Zone) and before you ask. Yes you can join.

This happened a few weeks ago but I still regret over it. I matched this girl on an online dating app and everything seems to be going fine. The conversation felt natural unlike most one sided conversations I have online. Fast forward we meet in the city and I had a really nice time with her. We had dinner and we were strolling in the streets. She asked me if I want to join her on a night road drive her friends were going on. I had work next day but still agreed. We went to her friends place and then for the drive. She said the drive would take 3 hours but we were back by next morning. I was totally sleep deprived. I hugged her goodbye and went my way to home and then to work. I thought of getting early off work and meet her again before sleeping. She asked if she can come by my place to which I said yes. I got off work by 6 pm cleaned my room, and made sure everything's arranged. I thought she might come by 8 pm, she didn't. Texted her if she's coming and she said yes. Had dinner by myself and waited. Past 4 hours I asked her back if she's really coming and she said yes. It was 12:40 am when I decided I might die from sleep and decided to take a little nap. I connected my phone to my bluetooth speakers. Put those speakers on my chest, texted her to call me when she arrives at my apartment so the speakers bass blast me out of my sleep.

Woke up after 6 hours to her 7 missed calls. Felt like c shit and slept again. I asked if she came here and she said yes. Told her I was sorry and shit. Got ghosted after that! Don't even know if I should approach her again.

TLDR: called a date to my room and slept before she arrived

PS: Maybe I forgot to mention but she's in college (I am an year older than her) and she is doing an internship which sometimes she works on till late night. She doesn't drink. I was no backup plan.

So recently a girl added me on instagram and we've talking for maybe a week or so. Yesterday night I had to travel to a city about two hours from where I live for a school contest. By the end of the contest, it was already 10 pm and I still had to sit on car ride for another 2 hours or longer. We were texting for a bit and i guess she felt quite or something causes she kept sending gif of cats and other cute pictures. But I was really tired so I said let me rest for maybe 30 mins or so and I'll respond back later. Just saying, I was already texting for like a hour and a half nonstop. Unfortunately, i fell asleep for way longer than I anticipated around a hour or so. I guess she got bored building a lego model and started texting me asking why I wasn't responding. She became by pissed off by my lack of texts, and by the time I woke up and realized the amount of missing messages I haven't responded with. She send me bunch of long text about how disappointed with me she is, how excited she was to talk to me, and how she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm not really sure what to do, I did apologize, i guess it's my fault for leaving her on read. Can you guys tell me if this is normal behaviour, and i kinda getting a feeling that she's gonna leave me from getting pissed of at me.

Tl;DR I left her on read, she got really angry and said she's disappointed at me. She ghosted me. Need advice.

Plz give some advice. thanks a lot

Obligatory this happened last year but was reminded of it and I’m still mortified. Last year I lived in the dorms on my university campus but I moved to a different “village” where the buildings were the same. I went home to get some stuff and my mom gave me a bunch of things to bring back to the dorm. I parked and with my arms full walked out from a different exit of the parking garage then I usually used. I am struggling to hold my things (but unwilling to make a second trip). I walk to my building and some people seeing I was struggling held the door open for me. I walk up the first flight of stairs and say some passing pleasantries to people standing on the second floor then proceed to the third floor. I put my key in the door to discover it’s unlocked so I go in. I put my stuff on the counter (dorms are apartment style where everyone gets their own room and theirs a shared common area). One of my roommates I hadn’t met yet as they were oversees at the start of the semester. All of a sudden a man walks out of the room of the roommate I hadn’t met yet. I assume it’s my roommate but maybe they are trans or androgynous (I’m female). We start having polite conversation until i realize that this isn’t my dorm…. I’m in the wrong building. I got past two layers of security (outside lock and the front door lock) and past two groups of people to then act like I owned the place in front of the owner. I then apologized and exited having to then walk with all my stuff to my actual building and dorm room on the third floor.

TL;DR I went into an identical building to mine and went into the wrong apartment acting like I owned it in front of the real owner on accident.

So, i was not expecting to FU today in this way but let me spin you my yarn.

A few years ago I used to be in an LDR with this very amazing and beautiful woman who I had known for years. I can't give too many details just because I don't know if she's on here. We took a trip together and it was a fantastic time. We had fun and just really got to be together. It was magical and something I hadn't felt before. You ever met that one that just gets you and makes you feel something the others before them didn't make you feel? That's what this was. I didn't want to fuck it up and lose her... and I didn't fuck it up, but I did lose her.

She was learning more about herself and as she did, she had grown distant until she just had to break away to pursue her thing. I was fully supportive because I didn't feel it was my place to stop her from doing what mattered most for her. Gross time jump, but she eventually found someone and married and even got pregnant. I was shattered when I heard about it but I kept a smile on and supported her.

Well, fast forward to today and here I am sitting at work and decided to clean my old voicemails out.

Bad move.

There were so many from her in just the most loving of tones. She would sometimes leave me some to wake up to. And it just hurt... knowing it's a time in life gone. And it got even worse when I the voicemails shifted from that love to platonic. I'm not crying, and I'll be okay... but man it was like a knife twisted in me from old wounds I didn't want to open again... it hurts to know something that special got away, but i live on and move forward.

TL;DR - I listened to and deleted voicemails from someone very special to me who I've long since been broken up with.

Edit: I forgot they were there

So this just happened a few minutes ago, said boyfriend is still next to me.

A bit of context, my partner lost his smell for the most part due to long Covid. Another piece of context, I’m lactose intolerant. That doesn’t stop me tho.

So for dinner last night, I ate. A lot more dairy than i probably should have (baked potato with hella cheese and even more sour cream), so today my stomach was a bit fucked up. To say the least.

I was in the car with my bf, on our way to pick up lunch, and my stomach was starting to hurt so I decided to let a couple “Silent but Deadly” rips out. Opened the window a bit so it wouldn’t be as bad, but it only did so much.

After a few seconds, my partner starts panicking and pulls over onto the side of the highway. He started frantically checking the car, and I’m pretty clueless when it comes to cars so I asked him what was wrong with the car

He explained to me that he smelled rotten eggs, which is a sign that the battery is failing. I just looked at him and said “…babe, Jeremy (the car’s name) is fine. I just ripped ass.”

We ended up not being able to leave for another 10 minutes because he couldn’t stop laughing, but he now has me as “🚗💨failing car battery🚗💨” in his phone.

TLDR; farted in the car and made my bf think it was breaking down

Need to vent it out to help me process

I got dragged into this frenzy of election betting so I sold the little crypto I had and put money on Kamala - first I made a profit cashing out when her odds got temporarily better.

This made me excited and i moved my gains and doubled down my investment by betting on a blue popular vote. 10k, my vacation fund lost it all, evaporated.

I feel like a dumb idiot getting what I deserved and ashamed of my greed. I always looked at gamblers like idiots and now I bought into that frenzy thinking I had a sure win.

This election betting is deeply unethical, I feel “dirty” having played in this while there are actual lives determined by these decisions. Surprised it is not illegal given implications on the vote itself.

TL;DR I lost 10k due to greed

Edit: I cant vote in US so dont blame political ideology- just my human flaws

This might get flagged as a brag because the experience itself wasn't bad, but it was a fuckup in the sense that i won't be able to recreate this. take it down if needed i dont mind. throwaway because my family knows my other reddit account

last night i (25f) was bored, i was doomscrolling at around 2am, im not normally one to get overly horny but ill masturbate to help myself fall asleep sometimes, weird i know. i start doing my thing n whatever and something feels different about it, to the point i literally cried (not sad tears) which according to other reddit threads ive looked through is a thing that just happens due to hormone changes? i finish what i was doing not too long after and go to sleep, and have the best nights sleep ive had in years.

i think about it more and realise that it felt better than normal, which i chalked up to the fact that it had been a while and id been stressed out by my uni work the day before, so i just needed to relax and that the pent up stress made it feel extra good bc i relaxed or something.

then i got my period this afternoon. and when i was looking through reddit threads to determine why i was crying some people had mentioned that masturbating right before your period can feel extremely pleasurable because of how your hormones are changing in preparation for it. so the likelihood of me ever timing a masturbation session that perfectly again is extremely low (my periods are scattered and unpredictable due to health issues) and ive now realised that every time i masturbate ill think of what it couldve been, and how i might never feel that high again, therefore ruining my future masturbation sessions

TLDR; i accidentally masturbated right before my period meaning my hormones were going haywire but ill never be able to replicate it due to my periods erratic nature

I'm not feeling well lately and I get this itching sensation of having to cough once in a while. I try to combat this by drinking lots and lots of water. In turn, I have to pee a whole lot.

A while ago, at work (I'm interning for this design firm for like 2 months now), among the many episodes of me going in-and-out of the toilet did I forget to flush. I was quite preoccupied at that time, then I heard the knob twist so I was sort of rushing at that point. Knowing that there's a user next in line, I tried making sure that I left no mess like pee drops, that I threw my tissue properly, and that the cubicle does not reek.

As I opened the door, it was one of our seniors who was in line. I said hi as I exit and was quite overthinking things hoping that I didn't leave any mess. Upon entering our office (our toilet is located outside of our office) did I realize that I FORGOT TO FLUSH THE TOILET FFS. Among the many things that I could've forgotten, it was flushing the toilet, the most basic reflex of them all.

I normally flush the toilet every time. It just so happens that I'm so preoccupied that I forgot to do such a basic thing ACK. I so wanted to rush back to the toilet and apologize right then and there to our senior for forgetting to do such, but then it might come out as weird.

The traumatic threshold could have been lighter if and only if it was a stranger, that way there's a higher probability that I won't get to meet that person ever again; but no, it was one of our seniors, whom we held in high esteem.

Been overthinking about this all throughout. And then later during the day, we heard our seniors discussing about the topic re flushing, and I'm worried over the fact that this may have been related to the earlier incident of forgetting to flush.

I really wanted to die out of embarrassment oml. My only coping mechanism was that my pee may have possibly been crystal clear like water, but is highly unlikely.

TL;DR: I forgot to flush the toilet in the firm I'm interning for. It was a senior of ours who came right after me so she very well knew that it was me and my shenanigans. I was already too late as I only got to realize that I did not flush the toilet when I entered our workplace.

so it wasn’t today but last week, i(24f) was buying things off of facebook marketplace and this lady had awesome items and gave me a good deal. we set up a time and met up at a parking lot. i drove to the parking garage, my boyfriend met me there because we were going to do errands after. i park right next to his car and get in. eventually i see the car the lady of facebook described she’s in.

i walk up to her car and she’s super sweet showing me all the items. i get excited, tell her i don’t have the cash i forgot it since i was in my bfs car and the cash was in mine. i told her that and she said oh we can just go over there, i’ll walk with you.

picture this: our hands were full of items including blenders and a suit, my boyfriend gets out of the car ( he is in between my car and his) starts helping me and grabbing the stuff from my hands. he starts putting them in the car. i scramble to get my keys and at this point i’m overwhelmed and overstimulated since it’s a lot of stuff to load and i wasn’t ready with the money. the lady is still carrying a bunch of shit. i feel bad cause i’m taking long so i try to get an item out of her hands and she hesitates. i then realize how SKETCHYYYY we were looking!!!!

like if we were trying to put the items in the car and drive off. i was like “omg noooooo fuck me im not trying to scam you” and i immediately stop what i’m doing and get the cash. hand it to her, she hands me the suit and walks off SO FAST 😭 i apologized but she didn’t respond. i felt so bad. i had to explain everything to my bf and it took him a minute to see why she was sketched out. i may have not explained it well but this lady looked visibly scared and rightfully so cause i would’ve felt scared in her shoes🤣 we are just dumbasses that get distracted and overwhelmed.

TL;DR i was buying things off of facebook marketplace, met with a woman and was overstimulated at that moment and very distracted so i wouldn’t send the money but kept grabbing things and she got visibly scared.

After I came home from college, I (18F) was calling my best friend when I ended up getting a string of texts from an unknown number that kept asking where I was and claimed that I had something I wasn't supposed to have. Initially I laughed it off and played along, thinking it was my little half-sister on one of her friends' phones trying to prank me, when the number kept calling me. I kept declining because I wanted to talk to my friend, but she told me that it would be fine if I answered since the person said they'd explain everything over the phone.

The person who answered sounded like a 30-something-year-old man. He told me his name and said he liked to stand on business, but the voice was so hard to understand that I got impatient and hung up. I called my friend back and told her it wasn't my sister, but some guy who had the wrong number. Finally, the unknown number texted me "Ight so you think this is funny? You don't know how dangerous we are. Answer the phone, or else. I know where you live."

I roll my eyes at this point. I'm home alone, since my mom just left to go to the store with her boyfriend, so what happens next disturbs me to the point that I'm nearly paralyzed with fear. The person asks, "You live near (restaurant name), in (my town's name) right? With your mom (Mom's name)? Yeahhh I've been watching you, (my name). And I know your little sister too, (half-sister's name)." I freak out and call my mom, suddenly unable to leave my room, because I'm actually thinking that someone is stalking me. I ask my mom if she knows anything that's going on, to which she says she doesn't, but that she's on her way back to the house. Her bf is in the passenger seat telling me to barricade my door in case someone breaks in and tries to go into my room. I begged my mom not to hang up, just as I hear something in the kitchen. I lock my door and remain nearly frozen, save for me texting my best friend, my bf, and another friend to let them know what's going on.

I block the unknown number out of fear they'd reveal more personal information about me, to me. Plus, the name that the person supposedly had was, coincidentally, the name of a guy that my mom used to know back in the day, who was convicted for doing something awful to his daughter. I hear something in the living room again, and finally my mom and her bf come home. Her bf checks around the house, and my mom takes my phone, looks through the messages while I explain to her what's going on, and finally, she calls the local police department. They tell her they can't do anything, since a threat hasn't explicitly been made. I panic slightly, and then my mom calls my dad and asks him if he knows anything. My dad tells her that he had literally just given my little sister a phone and that the number belonged to her. He then complains that he can't trust my sister to be respnsible with anything, but tells my mom quickly that he has to go since he's out with some folks.

That's all it was. A freaking prank. The noises in the living room were from one of my cats. The name that my sister had randomly chosen to prank me with was merely a coincidence. Yet I worried my friends, my bf, my mom, her bf, and myself by not using my brain. My mom had called the police. All over something that I should've just trusted my instincts with. My mom was livid, saying that she's angry with my dad for not paying closer attention to my sister and giving her a phone when she acts out the way she does. She goes back to the store with her bf, and there I'm left embarrassed. I let my friends and my bf know it was all a prank and that I'm just a paranoid idiot. My best friend told me that I need to try and get back at my sister soon, but my mom says that none of this was funny.

TL;DR I freaked out over a prank that my prank obsessed sister, who had just gotten a new phone, pulled on me, pretending to be a stalker who knew where I lived, and I called my mom home. My mom ended up calling the police, before my dad revealed that it was just my little sister, before frustratedly taking her brand new phone from her.

My sister's best friend's, my non bio big sis, mom died Thursday. She had cancer (and I just realized I can't remember what type. So TIFUception) that was relatively aggressive. So my sis moved her in within weeks of diagnosis, and she only went to hospice around 10 days before passing. I also hadn't been to her house since pre-Covid, both are important to the story.

So at the funeral yesterday I asked if she wanted to hit the booze, or bong, and use my ear to vent to. Her brothers are both as useful as tits on a board for things like empathy, or listening without comment etc... (I have opinions on them I don't voice to her). She said she was out of booze, and weed because she obviously had shit to do this week. So I offered to deliver both to her today, though I wouldn't be able to stick around more than an hour or so.

So I've been to her place enough I navigate by muscle memory. But she lives in the closest to IRL Vivarium I've ever seen. Literally every single house is 100% identical. So I get to her street and realize I forgot her exact address, and it's not in my phone because why would it be? I know where she lives. As I'm about to call and ask I see the gray Mazda 3 she's been driving since brand new in 2011/2012. I'm a big car guy, so I know it well. Almost as well as my own. As in I've seen the valves/cams because I changed out the valve cover gasket know it well.

So since her cars in the driveway, probably because her and her brothers have been in the garage smoking all weekend, I'm happy I didn't need admit I didn't know her house number. I notice she has new neighbors, her old ones would've burned an "ULTRA MAGA" flag not hang it on their garage door. I'll have to rib her about how fun they must be to live next to. I get out and as I'm walking by her car I notice it hasn't been detailed in a while, and there's garbage in the backseat. There's also some minor swirls in the paint, and a dime sized rust spot on the rear wheel arch. But her mom just died of cancer, she's got things other than getting her detailer out to arrange. So I take a mental note to randomly text her to see a movie next week, and offer to detail her car/see if I can at least prep it to spot paint, because clearly she's letting things slide.

I get to her front door and notice she installed a Ring doorbell. Good for her, I've always chided her to take security more seriously. Woman living alone Yada Yada. I ring the bell and wait. After about 30 seconds, it was raining so I'm impatient, i text her. Her wifi must just be slow. She gets back immediately saying she's in the garage but the doors unlocked.

So going in the house is totally dark. No lights, no TV on, nothing. But I notice she's done a fuck load of redecorating. I call hello, and get no response. Go into the garage and it's pitch black. I'm confused, and concerned when I get a text. It reads 1234 (her house number) I had just rang the doorbell camera, and then just walked right in to 1226. Some random persons house, who owns a similar color/year car. I immediately booked it out of there, and see her garage door open three houses down. As I get to the open garage door I see her belly laughing smoking a cigarette next to her Mazda that was detailed a week before her mom died. Oh, and her house is the same. New arm chair, but everything else is unchanged.

TL;DR: Went to my sister's house in a cookie cutter subdivision. Totally walked into the wrong house, after making sure there's doorbell cam footage of me doing it.

This happened back when I was in college in 2016. I was a part of a brand new campus group that was trying to get started focusing on outdoor activities like hiking, climbing, etc. (won't get too specific for privacy). There weren't too many of us to start, so we decided to try and recruit. One of the other guys suggested a girl I'd met before at a leadership retreat, and he asked her between meetings if she was interested, which she said she was. Note that she never actually attended a meeting.

A few months in, we decided to try and plan a trip, but our recruiting wasn't going well so there weren't too many of us. I remembered the girl's interest from what the guy had told us before he stopped showing up, so I said I'd check and ask.

I messaged her both on Facebook and at her campus email, but never heard anything. With the sign up deadline coming up, I, in my infinite wisdom, messaged a mutual male friend (not the same guy from the group) if he had her phone number because I needed to ask her something.

Well, that was a big mistake because I never specified in my initial message it was for an official school function. I never considered how that request might be construed, but he took it as incredibly creepy that I'd ask him for her contact info and absolutely tore into me after refusing point blank. What I didn't know is that they were also coworkers at a campus facility, so if he HAD given it to me he'd be risking his job or expulsion.

I apologized and said it for a campus group, and that I'd already tried emailing her about it. He said he'd tell her to check her email, but he'd appreciate me not contacting him again. A few days later, the girl emailed me back to say that due to my attempted invasion of her privacy, she was no longer interested in joining the group, them blocked me on social media. I later found out the guy did, too. The group ultimately folded the next semester due to lack of members.

I felt terrible that due to my social awkwardness I'd destroyed two friendships, but I moved on. The worst part came 2 years later after I'd graduated when I went to sell some of my old phones, and I went through them to make sure there wasn't anything I still needed. Guess whose fucking number I found in one of them. I had it the whole time but never transferred it over to my new phone, so I forgot I had it. 🤦‍♂️

And before anyone says it, this story is 100% real, and is not AI. Yeah, sometimes reddit stories are still legit; sorry to burst your bubble. 😜

TL;DR: I asked a mutual friend for a girl's number to contact her about a campus event, but they took the request as creepy and blocked me.

I need preface this story with the fact that this happened when I was young. But it’s something that haunts me TO THIS DAY. Friends and family will not let me live down the trauma I have endured because of that stupid ape movie.

To set the scene, the year is 2001. After years in development and anticipation, Tim Burton’s reimagining of the classic “Planet of the Apes” has hits theaters. My father, who is a nerd for the monkey movies, takes 6 year old me to go to the first showing at our theater. This started as a good bonding moment: father and son, sneaking in snacks, watching angry monkeys together…but it slowly turned into something that hangs over me like a dark cloud… For the most part, I loved the movie because I was a huge monkey kid. For some reason, I really fucked with them…so seeing a movie that has talking monkeys enslaving humans was a rollercoaster for me. I remember thinking they actually got monkeys to to talk on camera because I’m dumb. My dad grew disappointed over the course of the movie, and even asked if I wanted to walk out. But I enthusiastically begged him to stay..and It was all fun and games until the end of the movie.

If you are unlucky enough to remember the details of this movie all these years later, let me give you a rundown: Mark Whalberg’s enslaved character, Leo, finally flies out of the Planet of the Apes and crash lands back on Earth. He has crashed in front of the steps of the Lincoln memorial and takes a look around. Everything seems fine, until he sees Abraham Lincoln has instead been replaced with an ape. Aperaham Lincoln. It’s not a cute ape by the way. it’s a menaced eyed, smirk having, dictator looking kinda ape. The way this entire scene was shot: the closeups of Ape Lincoln, the “shocking reveal” music, the fear on Leo’s face…it all sent this wave of primal fear throughout my body. So much so, that I just cried like a baby in the middle of the theater.

So for some reason, this movie triggered a new irrational fear: Abraham Lincoln. I could not knowingly look at, hear of, or be around anything Lincoln related. $5 bills. History book. Hell, even Lincoln Logs made me see the face of that damned dirty ape…I remember one time my grandma handed me a bunch of pennies and just walked away, and you would swear I saw a monster manifest before me the way screamed and sprinted out of the house. I was just terrified of him to a point that is hard to articulate.

Now that you know this, I can get to the meat and potatoes of this story. So the year is either 2003 or 2004. Everyone in my family is aware of this weird Lincoln fear and openly mocks me about it. We are on summer vacation, and the family gets the grand idea to go to Disney in Florida. I’m a kid so I obviously love Disney, and had a great time. But for some reason, my family thought it would be funny to drag me, the kid scared of Lincoln, into the one and only “Hall of Presidents” I remember thinking “yay another ride” but when we got inside, I was wondering why nobody was strapped into their seats. All I remember was being blissfully unaware as to what we were doing in this giant and dark room. I look at the stage, and I see shadows of someone but I assume it was someone getting ready to talk. Suddenly, everyone hushes as they prepare for their experience. The show is about to begin. All I remember from this point, was that a spot light turned on, and revealed a life size, realistic Abraham Lincoln robot. Before it could even move a single gear, I remember thinking the following: “he’s alive? He’s a robot? Is he going to walk off stage and come near me?” all in about 0.5 seconds. The he begins to slowly rise out of his chair, and open his mouth. Everyone else in the Hall of Presidents is looking in awe at Robot Lincoln, and they finally get to hear:

“FOUR SCORE AN-“ “GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Apparently my only response was to let out a blood curdling scream from the front row. A scream that resulted in a gasp from the audience that is forever burned into my memory. I then jumped out of my chair, ran down the aisle and towards the exit. I remember thinking I was the fastest kid alive, and i was going to be safe once I got out. I got closer and closer to the exit, but before I could get there everything just went black. To this day, all I remember was seeing Lincoln, and running…that, and waking up with several paramedics and my concerned family all kneeling around me, looking down at me. After it was established that I was okay, I was told that because it was so dark in the Hall, I didn’t see the ropes blocking off the open doors I was running towards. So when I did make it to the door, I was abruptly stopped by them. So pretty much, I was clothesline slammed onto the ground and knocked out cold…in front of hundreds of people. The whole incident resulted in the Hall of Presidents being shut down for the rest of the day.

While this is embarrassing as hell, I think this incident may have knocked the fear out of me…because if I’m being real, I don’t remember ever being scared of him after this.

TLDR: Tim Burton’s dumb monkey movie gave me a fear of Abraham Lincoln that spiraled into me ruining vacation for a lot of Disney-goers

Oh boy. This is one I won't soon forget.

A couple years back, I was using shampoo with tea tree oil in it, and I soon noticed a nice tingling feeling on my scalp that came along with it. At some point, I ran out of body soap, and decided hey, maybe this will do the job. So on it went. I cleaned everything thoroughly as is standard, including the junk. That's where the fuckup begins. I soon noticed a burning sensation on my junk, and thought oh, this is fine. It eventually went away, and all was well.

Flash forward to tonight. I'm in my barracks, going to shower and noticing I stink a bit more than usual. I clean my hair, then the rest of me..all with a shampoo that had menthol in it. I noticed the burning sensation in my junk again, and was reminded of that night a couple years ago. Apparently menthol feels very different when used in other parts of the body.

So here I sit, nuts burning and me hoping it goes away quickly.

TL;DR I washed my junk with menthol-infused shampoo, and it's currently on fire