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172,880 Subscribers

People who don't know the difference between entomology and etymology bug me more than words can say

2 Comments

2024/04/28
15:24 UTC

There's a little bit of Homer Simpson in everyone - especially Marge.

1 Comment

2024/04/28
08:50 UTC

I keep looking at my paycheck and trying to figure out when the government worked those forty hours with me

0 Comments

2024/04/28
05:51 UTC

Some people don’t like Roman numerals, but I for one…

6 Comments

2024/04/27
20:47 UTC

I know that alcohol is my biggest enemy, but only a cowards run away from a fight

0 Comments

2024/04/27
20:16 UTC

146

What has four letters, always has six letters and never has five letters

67 Comments

2024/04/27
14:02 UTC

I saw a sign at the methadone clinic that said “keep off the rocks”

0 Comments

2024/04/27
04:12 UTC

Strawberry chapstick is the balm 💣

0 Comments

2024/04/27
03:34 UTC

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

5 Comments

2024/04/26
21:59 UTC

The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members, so i've already put myself down.

5 Comments

2024/04/26
16:36 UTC

She has looks that kill, and she cooks the same way.

0 Comments

2024/04/25
21:36 UTC

Do the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse know about the Taco Bell option for $4.99?

17 Comments

2024/04/25
19:47 UTC

The scientist made a mind-controlled air freshener that really makes scents if you think about it.

0 Comments

2024/04/25
13:42 UTC

Yo momma's so wise, she could start a consulting firm for Magic 8 Balls.

1 Comment

2024/04/25
12:42 UTC

Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

10 Comments

2024/04/24
23:38 UTC

Any weekend is a long weekend if you have no friends.

2 Comments

2024/04/24
12:59 UTC

R Kelly's autobiography is a touching story

1 Comment

2024/04/22
18:44 UTC

on tinder Hey I’m an archaeologist too! Ya dig?

0 Comments

2024/04/22
18:42 UTC

My mother lost her seamstress job about the same time she hit menopause. HR told her it was because she could no longer mend straight.

7 Comments

2024/04/22
15:22 UTC

A dog teaches fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around 3 times before lying down

0 Comments

2024/04/21
21:48 UTC

Dubai is the best place to get a buzz cut.

1 Comment

2024/04/21
21:08 UTC

All of Yankovic's music was Al generated.

5 Comments

2024/04/21
19:50 UTC

I wonder if they ever have strikes at the stress-ball factory?

1 Comment

2024/04/21
13:56 UTC

Sad to report, but even my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

1 Comment

2024/04/21
12:04 UTC

Apparently the only time republicans want to give money to Ukrainians is when they are gonna get married to them.

1 Comment

2024/04/21
01:54 UTC

The news was interviewing people claiming that they were quitting sex, first off didn’t know you could do that and does masterbating count as collecting unemployment?

2 Comments

2024/04/20
23:56 UTC

Zoo’s are basically The Truman Show for animals except we got cheap when it came to the plumbing.

0 Comments

2024/04/20
23:05 UTC

The fact that I like mammals with trunks is irrelephant

5 Comments

2024/04/19
21:16 UTC

Post your favorite oneliners!

Rules

Friends of Oneliners

172,880 Subscribers

People who don't know the difference between entomology and etymology bug me more than words can say

There's a little bit of Homer Simpson in everyone - especially Marge.

I keep looking at my paycheck and trying to figure out when the government worked those forty hours with me

Some people don’t like Roman numerals, but I for one…

I know that alcohol is my biggest enemy, but only a cowards run away from a fight

What has four letters, always has six letters and never has five letters

I saw a sign at the methadone clinic that said “keep off the rocks”

Strawberry chapstick is the balm 💣

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members, so i've already put myself down.

She has looks that kill, and she cooks the same way.

Do the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse know about the Taco Bell option for $4.99?

The scientist made a mind-controlled air freshener that really makes scents if you think about it.

Yo momma's so wise, she could start a consulting firm for Magic 8 Balls.

Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Any weekend is a long weekend if you have no friends.

R Kelly's autobiography is a touching story

on tinder Hey I’m an archaeologist too! Ya dig?

My mother lost her seamstress job about the same time she hit menopause. HR told her it was because she could no longer mend straight.

A dog teaches fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around 3 times before lying down

Dubai is the best place to get a buzz cut.

All of Yankovic's music was Al generated.

I wonder if they ever have strikes at the stress-ball factory?

Sad to report, but even my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

Apparently the only time republicans want to give money to Ukrainians is when they are gonna get married to them.

The news was interviewing people claiming that they were quitting sex, first off didn’t know you could do that and does masterbating count as collecting unemployment?

Zoo’s are basically The Truman Show for animals except we got cheap when it came to the plumbing.

The fact that I like mammals with trunks is irrelephant

its called TAX because it goes back so far into history they hadn't invented the screw.

Cinderella retched when she got to the ball

Post your favorite oneliners!

Rules

Friends of Oneliners

172,880 Subscribers

People who don't know the difference between entomology and etymology bug me more than words can say

There's a little bit of Homer Simpson in everyone - especially Marge.

I keep looking at my paycheck and trying to figure out when the government worked those forty hours with me

Some people don’t like Roman numerals, but I for one…

I know that alcohol is my biggest enemy, but only a cowards run away from a fight

What has four letters, always has six letters and never has five letters

I saw a sign at the methadone clinic that said “keep off the rocks”

Strawberry chapstick is the balm 💣

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members, so i've already put myself down.

She has looks that kill, and she cooks the same way.

Do the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse know about the Taco Bell option for $4.99?

The scientist made a mind-controlled air freshener that really makes scents if you think about it.

Yo momma's so wise, she could start a consulting firm for Magic 8 Balls.

Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Any weekend is a long weekend if you have no friends.

R Kelly's autobiography is a touching story

*on tinder* Hey I’m an archaeologist too! Ya dig?

My mother lost her seamstress job about the same time she hit menopause. HR told her it was because she could no longer mend straight.

A dog teaches fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around 3 times before lying down

Dubai is the best place to get a buzz cut.

All of Yankovic's music was Al generated.

I wonder if they ever have strikes at the stress-ball factory?

Sad to report, but even my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

Apparently the only time republicans want to give money to Ukrainians is when they are gonna get married to them.

The news was interviewing people claiming that they were quitting sex, first off didn’t know you could do that and does masterbating count as collecting unemployment?

Zoo’s are basically The Truman Show for animals except we got cheap when it came to the plumbing.

The fact that I like mammals with trunks is irrelephant

its called TAX because it goes back so far into history they hadn't invented the screw.

Cinderella retched when she got to the ball

on tinder Hey I’m an archaeologist too! Ya dig?