/r/cleanjokes

Photograph via snooOG

For those of you who are either easily offended or just like clean jokes.

also check out /r/cleandadjokes

Try to keep your jokes as clean and non-offensive as possible. Other than that, have fun with it! =D

Your basic "mild" curse words (damn, hell) are fine, provided they are necessary for the joke Please report anything you see that you feel shouldn't be here.

If you think your post was caught by the spam filter, let us know. We usually catch them pretty fast, but we may not.

Related subreddits:

/r/jokes

/r/oneliners

/r/lol

/r/funny

/r/ecards

/r/putsonsunglasses

/r/3amjokes

/r/dadjokes

/r/classyjokes

/r/mommajokes

/r/gatekeeping

/r/Jokesuncensored

/r/meanjokes (beware, this one and /r/Jokesuncensored are the exact opposite of this community. If you're here because you don't like offensive jokes, these are probably not for you!)

/r/cleanjokes

168,376 Subscribers

19

favorite movie quote of all time

*"Use the force Harry"* ~*Gandalf*

9 Comments
2024/02/26
08:55 UTC

54

What did one traffic light say to the other?

Stop looking at me, I'm changing!

3 Comments
2024/02/25
19:38 UTC

55

What do you call two crows?

Attempted murder.

6 Comments
2024/02/25
08:51 UTC

5

Did ya hear about the cross-dressing street racers?

They were racing for pink slips.

1 Comment
2024/02/25
08:28 UTC

27

Why are comedies quieter than other movies?

Because they have a lot more gags.

2 Comments
2024/02/24
22:44 UTC

72

If it wasn’t for Venetian Blinds…

It would be curtains for all of us.

9 Comments
2024/02/24
18:48 UTC

171

I've started to teach my grandchildren about the health benefits of eating dried fruit..

It's really all about raisin awareness isn't it?

14 Comments
2024/02/24
13:13 UTC

294

Why is it bad to iron your four leaf clover?

Because you should never press your luck.

6 Comments
2024/02/23
13:25 UTC

578

So a guy tried to sell me a coffin the other day..

I told him that was the last thing i needed.

36 Comments
2024/02/22
17:37 UTC

4

Have you guys heard about that singer that does radical maneuvers while performing?

Skate Perry

1 Comment
2024/02/22
05:47 UTC

61

Why was the Kleenex tissue such a great dancer?

Because it had a little “boogie” in it.

4 Comments
2024/02/22
04:27 UTC

96

Did you hear about the rock who faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

3 Comments
2024/02/22
02:49 UTC

301

First funeral service

So a young priest, fresh out of seminary, is assigned to a small town across the state. He arrives, ready to start his calling of ministering God's word to the people, willing to help out wherever he is needed. The other priests welcome him to the parish, start introducing him him to the area, and encourage him to learn the lay of the land, since the town was surrounded by miles of farms, neighborhoods, woods, and so on. It was easy to get lost on some of the back roads.

A few days go by, and he gets asked to drive out to a rural cemetery, to officiate at a pauper's funeral. One of the other priests asks if he's sure he knows where it is, but he assures them that he can find it fine. Well sure enough, he takes a wrong turn, has to backtrack, there's road construction going on, and by the time he pulls up to a gate and swings in behind the trailer that brought the backhoe, the only people still there are about 4 workers in overalls around a hole in the ground.

He jumps out of his car, grabs his Bible, jogs over to the men. "I'm sorry I'm late" he says as he runs up, "so sorry. I got turned around. But God bless you all for being here. I know" looking at the hole in the ground, now only showing the smooth curve surface of the burial vault, "I know you're already almost done, but I feel it's still important, it still matters to human dignity, to do this properly. If you'll all gather around please".

And so the young priest leads the men through what turns out to be a truly beautiful service. The workmen listen to his speaking about pain, loss, and loneliness here on earth, but a glorious future awaiting each of us if we believe. They join in singing solemn, heartfelt hymns, of troubles on earth, and God's mercy watching over us. There are even a few eyes discretely dried as he closes in a simple yet sincere and moving prayer, then he thanks them each for being there today, and returns ti his car.

As he pulls back out onto the country road outside the entranceway to the brand new development, the youngest man on the crew turns to the older man beside him and says "Hey, boss? I know this is my first week working here. But do we do that for EVERY septic tank we install?"

10 Comments
2024/02/22
02:09 UTC

0

Two young kids were messing around on an overpass...

...they had tied a brick to a rope and were dangling it down from the bridge in front of cars. Dropping it down in front of the car's windshield and pulling it up out of the way just before the car would hit it.

Over and over, they pulled this prank and were causing drivers to swerve and slam on their brakes. Laughing each time as they pulled the rope and brought the brick safely above the cars.

One of them said "Look here comes a semi! let's scare him real good"

So the other kid waited till the semi was very close and dropped the brick down right at the last second. Unfortunately it was too close and the brick hit the semi, jerking the rope so hard that it ripped off the kids arm.

There was a huge pile-up, an ambulance showed up and the police talked to everybody to figure out what happened. Eventually, they took the truck driver away in handcuffs and witnesses were stunned. They told the cops "The kids are the ones that caused it, what are you arresting the trick driver for?"

The police replied.....

"Armed robbery"

4 Comments
2024/02/20
19:07 UTC

27

A priest, a rabbit, and a mushroom walk into a bar

And the bartender looks up and says, “Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?

4 Comments
2024/02/20
05:06 UTC

112

I HATE my psychiatrist. I mean, he’ll validate my feelings…

…but he won’t validate my parking.

3 Comments
2024/02/20
02:48 UTC

85

What do you call a boomerang 🪃 that doesn’t come back?

A stick!

40 Comments
2024/02/19
22:05 UTC

271

I agreed to drive my wife downtown to see a movie because she said parking would be cheap…

But the parking was a lot.

6 Comments
2024/02/19
17:13 UTC

38

Did you know Winnie the Pooh has a daughter?

Anita Pooh.

8 Comments
2024/02/19
12:54 UTC

954

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:

"In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

114 Comments
2024/02/19
03:49 UTC

270

A man is in a hardware store causing a ruckus

He is holding a large bag of salt designed to melt snow. The employees are all crowding around him, begging him to stop.

The man walks over to the hardware section and rips open the bag. He dumps the salt all over the batteries. The batteries were coated in a thick layer of salt. Before long, the police entered the store and took the man into custody.

The employees found the whole situation bizarre. The police walked up to one of the managers,

“Alright then, he can take the ride to jail if the store wants to pursue charges.”

The manager thought for a moment, “What will he be charged with?”

“Well, there actually is a law prohibiting the dumping of iodized salt onto lithium-based products”

“What crime is that?”

“Misdemeanor saltin’ battery.”

17 Comments
2024/02/19
00:06 UTC

52

Hey, did you know I used to have a soap addiction?

Well I’m clean now…

9 Comments
2024/02/18
19:23 UTC

130

I sued the airline for losing my luggage..

Unfortunately i lost my case.

9 Comments
2024/02/18
17:38 UTC

558

A piece of string walks into a bar…

Skip Carey told this one years ago during a rain delay at a Braves game…

A piece of string walks into a bar, hops up on a stool, and orders himself a beer.

The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind here, fella,” roughs him up good and tosses him out into the alley.

The piece of string picks himself up, dusts himself off, and says “l don’t have to take that off of him. I’m gonna go back in there and have my beer, but first I’m going to disguise myself.”

So the piece of string ties himself into a bow, unravels both of his ends, walks back into the bar, hops onto a stool, and orders himself a beer.

The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you that piece of string I just threw out of here?”

The piece of string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

19 Comments
2024/02/18
14:39 UTC

16

A long time ago in the Canadian frontier...

One of the French outposts refused to cooperate with all the others.

It was known as the rogue fort.

3 Comments
2024/02/18
06:49 UTC

911

So Heisenberg and Schrödinger are riding in a car…

What kind of car, you ask? Why, a Volkswagen Quantum of course.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. A Volkswagen Quantum is not a reliable car. Quite right, but remember, these guys are excellent Quantum mechanics.

Anyway, they’re tooling along and a cop pulls them over. “Do you know how fast you were going?” asks the cop. “No, I don’t “ says Heisenberg, “but I do know exactly where I am.”

“Wise guy, eh?” says the cop. “Alright, then, pop the trunk. I’m going to search the vehicle.”

The cop comes back immediately after looking in the trunk. “Jumping Jehoshaphat! Did you know there’s a dead cat back there?”

“Well, NOW I do” says Schrödinger.

29 Comments
2024/02/18
00:25 UTC

197

There was a little boy on vacation with his parents in the country.

They were going to spend 2 weeks in a no frills cabin with an outhouse sitting on the bank of a creek. The little boy hated using the outhouse because it was cold at night and hot during the day, not to mention he was a little afraid of using by himself.

After a couple of days there was a hard spring rain and the creek was swollen so the little boy decided to push the outhouse into the creek. He got a large stick and used it for leverage and finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and started floating away.

That night, at dinner, the dad said he was really disappointed with his son. The little boy asked why. The dad then said, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you wasn’t it son?”

The little boy sheepishly said yes and his dad told him to think about what he’d done.

A little while later the little boy said he learned about George Washington cutting down a cherry tree and didn’t get into any trouble because he told the truth. “Well son,” replied the dad, “George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the cherry tree.”

4 Comments
2024/02/18
00:19 UTC

72

So a barometer walks into a bar and says to the bartender..

I need a drink, I’m under a lot of pressure.

7 Comments
2024/02/17
18:26 UTC

1,298

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver (who looks a bit like him): ’I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!’

The driver agrees: ’You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.’ ’

That's a great idea!’ says Einstein. ‘Let's switch places then!’ So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sits back and enjoys the deception.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So he stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says: ’Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.’

40 Comments
2024/02/17
11:51 UTC

108

Last Sunday at Church we had a Streaker. He was running around like crazy when people got up and was chasing him. This must have been going on for over 5 mins. . . Untill they finally caught him

By the Organ.

20 Comments
2024/02/17
05:00 UTC

Back To Top