I recommend you unplug them first. then relax ,breathe and dont skimp on the lube.

If I can’t drink and drive then why do I need a drivers license to get beer.

ALL the porn is disabled.

I don’t deal with high maintenance women.

Scene on an airplane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane and realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure he asked, "What's your role at this convention?"

“Lecturer," she responded. "I use information I’ve garnered from personal experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."

There’s something fishy about that place

Ms. Tuttle was finished taking dictation for the general at the Pentagon and as she was leaving her boss's office, she noticed his fly was open.

"Sir? Your barracks door is open."

The general was puzzled by her exit statement and wasn't sure why she said it. He then arose from his chair and saw that his zipper was down. It then dawned on him what she meant.

Ms. Tuttle returned with some papers to sign, so the general wanted to tease her.

"Ms. Tuttle, when you saw my barracks door open, did you happen to notice a soldier standing at attention?"

"No, sir. Just a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

Keeping Your Composure With The Royals

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

“May I ask you a question, My Lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.

“I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on.”

“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.

“Aplomb,” My Lord.

“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”

“Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused.”

“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”

“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?“

“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

“That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender.”

“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, ‘Darling, does your prick still throb?’

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee? THAT, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb”.

Chemo-Sabi.

A-Minor

“I’m shy… I normally don’t do this” vs 5 minutes later

I was going down on this girl when she started her period. I was so embarrassed, there was egg on my face.

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

‘Oh, come on in!’ Annabella’s mother said as she welcomed James.

‘Have a seat in the sitting room.. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?’

‘Tea, please,’ James said. Mum brought the tea.

‘So, what are you and Annabelle planning to do tonight?’ she asked interestedly.

‘Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.’

‘Annabelle likes to screw, you know,’ Mum informed him.

‘Really?’ James gasped, surprised to say the least.

‘Oh yes,’ mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’

‘Is that so?’ asked James, incredulously.

‘Oh yes,’ she said..

‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’

‘Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!’ James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabelle came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

‘Have fun, kids!’ mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabelle burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

‘The Twist, Mum!’ she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

‘The bloody dance is called the Twist!’

A ninety-one-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow-up visit, the doctor said to the old man: ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

‘I’m only doing what you said, doctor – “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” ’

The doctor replied: ‘I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.’

Got my paycheck today, but there was a large booger on it. I asked my boss about it and he said "yeah, it's gross pay".

Ho-Ho-Ho!!! It's that time again!!!!

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting."

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.