The bartender says, "Woah, its the Dallas Cowboys! What can i get you guys?"

A small plane is about to crash. There are 4 passengers but only 3 parachutes. The first one to get up and take a parachute is Brad Pitt ... sorry guys my family and my fans need me says it and jumps out of the plane. The second is Donald Trump he says I am the most brilliant president in the world takes the parachute and jumps out. Two passengers are left. An old man and a schoolchild. The old man says ... boy I've lived my life you take the parachute and save yourself! No no says the little boy, everything is ok the most brilliant president in the world has taken my satchel!

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated She made an appointment for next Tuesday 🔥😏

A serial killer and his victim are walking through dark forest: Victim: I am so scared Serial Killer: How do you think I feel? I gotta walk out of here alone

Blowjob of course. You can beat your dog, your wife and your meat, but nothing beats a blowjob!

A bilingual person is fluent in two languages

A monolingual person is only fluent in one language.

What do you call someone not fluent in any language?

A gringo!

Because he heard interest rates were climbing!

Criminal is atleast WANTED

A cutting board

!...only Swasticars.!<

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

Barbie Prices

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

Recognizing George

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

That is the LAST time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open....

Because people are dying to get in.

As happens to all of us, the day comes when Donald Trump passes on to the Great Beyond. To his chagrin, he finds himself in the processing room of Hades. Satan himself welcomes him.

“Well, Donald, you’re finally here! I have a little proposition for you. We’re getting overcrowded down here. In fact, we’re at capacity. That doesn’t mean you’re going to get out of your eternal punishment, but I’ll let you choose your punishment. Whatever you choose, the poor soul that’s currently enduring the everlasting torture will be freed, and you’ll take their place.

Lucifer escorts him to a sandy beach next to a pool of boiling hot sulfuric water. There they see Ted Kennedy, repeatedly diving in the water, coming up empty, diving in the water, coming up empty. Trump says, “No, I wouldn’t want that. I can’t even swim.”

Down the beach a bit, they encounter Osama bin Laden. He’s tied to a stake, and an endless stream of miniature airplanes keep slamming into him and exploding. “That looks rather painful,” says The Donald. “I’ll pass.”

Further down the beach, they encounter Bill Clinton. He’s spiked down to the beach, naked and spread-eagled, and on top of him is Monica Lewinsky, sucking his cock, and forcing him to cum over and over again.

Trump pauses. “Well,” he says with a lustful grin on his face, “as punishments go, this one seems to have its… advantages. I’ll take this!”

The Devil claps his hands and proclaims, “It is done! Let it be so! Okay, you’re free to go, Monica!”

A little get together.

I’ve never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

The other genders can just fuck themselves

A man was seated next to a kid in an aeroplane. The man turned to him and said, "Let's talk". Kid: Ok, what do we talk about? Man (making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power? Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question... Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty and horse clumps. Why? Man: I don't know. Child: Do u really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you dont know shit??? ;-)

"What's Logic?" the first idiot asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."

"Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!"

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The idoit is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"

The idiot, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" he replies.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" he asked.

"No," his friend replied.

"Gay."

Our lesbian friend got dumped by her girlfriend of four years. She was very depressed so she went to see her doctor. The doc prescribed her a medication called Trycocksagain.

 “No, it’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

Me and my wife went to the new Italian restaurant the other night and I said to the waiter in my best fake Italian accent “ I’ll have the Pageoné “ he said he didn’t know that one so I pointed it to it on the menu, he replied “ no sir that says page one “

My neighbour was banging on my front door at 2am this morning. Good thing I was still up playing my drums .