everywhere...

I don’t get why i got arrested, it wasn’t violins

The real problem is a lot of women don’t realize that they are!!

Isaac newton died a virgin.

“You go on a head, I’ve got to stay and support these two!”

I've decided I'm musically reclined. I play the butt trumpet and nose, Best picker around...
Thank you Ray Stevens for nose portion of that!

It's called "Stand-up Vomity"

He goes the gardening section and asks for help. The store associate asks, “What can I help you with, sir?” The pimp says “I’m looking for one of your finest hoes.”

Not all heroes wear caps – a new slogan from the Japanese government after declining birth rate.

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane topk off,the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda,which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, " I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute,than let liquor touch my lips " The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had that choice." 😉

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

The Black & Decker pecker wrecker

But when I do it I'm not allowed near to playground anymore....

Doctor : Master patience

Yeah, today the aquarium fired me.

And he has no family or kids, he gets his belongings and only has $5, not knowing what to do he goes to a brothel and asks the front desk for the cheapest prostitute.

The lady tells him to go to the basement and knock on doors until he's able to afford one of them.

The man goes to the 1st door, opens it and sees a 500lb prostitute, 'are you the $5 prostitue' he asks 'no im $20, cheaper down the hall' says the prostitute.

The man enters another door to find a prostitute missing both legs and arms, 'are you the $5 prostitue?', 'no im $10, cheaper down the hall'

The man enter the last door to find a beautiful woman but she doesn't speak or looks at him but he sees a $5 sign and proceeds to have sex with her.

He finishes and as he's leaving telling her how he just came out of jail the woman starts crying, confused the man runs out and tells the front lady 'something is wrong, your cheapest prostitue is deaf and blind but she satrted crying'.

The lady turns and scream at the back "hey Many, the dead prostitue is full we gotta replace it"

Kick his sister in the jaw

With a crowbar.

She said “You stand at the sink, I’ll lay on the couch”