Can you imagine being Japanese and hearing nonstop about Erection Day?

Hey John,have you seen that new young air hostess, on the flight today . Yeah pretty young thing. Well I’m going for a shit , then I’m going to give her a good pounding, bent over a hostess trolley. The cabin crew and passengers all hear the conversation as the intercom is on. The young air hostess dashes towards the cockpit, trips over someone’s leg, flies through the air and lands next to an old lady who says. “ No need to rush my love, he’s going for a shit first!”

Rudy was a Viking, noted by his peers for his bright ginger hair.

He also had a trick knee which was an uncanny predictor of the weather.

One day, he was looking out at a beautiful sunny day without a cloud in sight. His wife stepped up behind, taking his arm and wrapping it around her shoulder, enjoying the moment.

"Isn't it a lovely day?" she wondered aloud to him.

Rudy, feeling his knee acting up, reluctantly replied, "Actually, I feel there is a storm coming."

So in spite of their being no cloud in sight, they buckled everything down to prepare for the storm. As they were finishing up, the first ominous clouds begin rolling in.

And then the rain hit, dropping 3 inches in 3 hours, nearly causing a flood.

As they lay by hearth, enjoying the warmth of the fire, his wife asks him, "How did you know."

And Rudy just looked at her with a small smile, and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a willy !"

The Tonkawa Tribe were peaceful with American settlers in 1865.

Therefore, when food became scarce for the American Settlers around the Austin, Texas area the Americans knew they needed some help.

They turned to the Tonkawa Tribe for assistance with hunting buffalo, an excellent supply of meat at the time.

The Tonkawa Tribe offered up their greatest tracker of game….in fact his specialty was hunting buffalo. In return, they only asked for a fair share of the meat.

The group of 10 settlers and the Tonkawa tracker set out at the break of dawn on horses but soon came upon a rocky area and had to continue on foot.

After about two hours the Tonkawa tracker suddenly halted waving back for the group to hold position.

He slowly kneeled to the ground and placed his ear upon the earth, clearly to listen for the distant pounding of buffalo hooves.

As he rose, he turned to the American settlers and tapped his ear and said two words: “Buffalo come.”

Excitedly, the lead settler exclaimed: “Amazing, but how do you know?!”

In reply, the tracker stated just one word.

“Sticky.”

The flavor changes when you get to the butt!

A man dies and goes to hell…

The devil meets him and tells him “We need to go over some rules.

1. Monday is smoking day, all we do all day long is smoke. Smoke whatever you want.

2. Tuesday is drinking day. Drink whatever you want but only drinking, all day long.

Then the devil turns to the new guy and asks:

“Were you gay before you died?”

When the guy answers “No.” the devil responds:

“You’re going to hate Wednesdays.”

a missionary was making great strides in converting the villagers. They adored him, and daily, more people embraced his teachings.

One day, a woman in the tribe gave birth to a white baby. The chief summoned the missionary, visibly upset, demanding to know why he had violated the commandments he had preached so passionately.

The missionary, committed to his faith, requested to see the child. Upon examining the baby, he quickly realized the infant was an albino.

He explained to the chief, “Chief, this child has a rare skin condition that makes him white. Just like your sheep, most are white, but one is black.”

Before he could continue, the chief interjected, “Fine, I won’t mention the baby—if you promise not to mention the sheep!”

Two female friends went bar hopping one night. On the way home one friend told the other I have to pee bad. So they pull in a cemetery after dark and get out and pee. One tells the other I don't have anything to wipe with so I'm going to use my panties. The other looked around and found a ribbon on a wreath of flowers to use.

The next day their husbands ran onto each other. One told the other man I don't know what to think about my wife. The other husband asked what do you mean? Well she came home with no panties on. The other husband said he'll hoss that ain't nothing, mine came home with a card stuck on her ass that said " From all the guys down at the fire dept. We're sure going to miss you."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Little Akio

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now !" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh Shit, we are finished."

Little Akio said quietly, "Americans, if Hillary gets elected.”

Here's what a quick witted Aussie Flight Attendant had to say: A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"

     Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"

     Businessman: "Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

     Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"

     Businessman: "How close?"

    Flight Attendant: "Same price".

Well says the Sargeant, it can get very dark and lonely out here in the desert. But there always a few men that will help you through that. But the rest of us like to use the camel( in which we take turns) Right says the recruit that’s probably what I’ll do to. A few days later there’s a massive commotion in the fort, the Sargeant runs off to the stables and sees the the recruit with his trousers around his ankles, fucking the camel. He shouts to the recruit , When I said we use the camel , I meant to ride into town to fuck the women.🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿😎

postpone your colonoscopy, Uranus is in cancer.

They are both meat substitutes.

So the bloke goes home and says to his wife, the milkman told me the women on his round are sex mad especially our street. He told me he had , had sex with every woman in the street, except one. The wife replies yeah I reckon it’s probably that snooty bitch at number 8!!🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿😎

A barber in a barber shop is cutting a man’s hair when the door opens and a man sticks his head round the door. “How long till I can get a haircut ?” He says to the barber. “About 2 hours “ says the barber. The man nods, closes the door and leaves. A week later the same man pops his head round the door and says “ how long till I can get a haircut ? “. The barber looks around at all the customers and says “ 3 hours “. Again the man leaves and runs off. A week later the same man pops his head through the door and says to the barber “how long till I can get a haircut ? “. The barber says “ about 1.5 hours “. The man again leaves.

The barber is confused, turns to his trainee and says, “ look this guy comes in here every week, asks the same question then never comes back. Quick, follow him and see where he goes !”

Half hour later the trainee returns and the barber says “ so where does he go every time ? “

The trainee says : “ your house !”

Some say the uncut version is cheesy, but I’d say it’s better!

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket store buying a large bag of Tux dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left the room and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.

She said; "Who was that bloke?”

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.

Paddy: How did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?

Mick: He was absolute shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

A bloke goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in the shade of a tree eyeing two government ‘Welfare’ officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him: “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”

The elder nodded in agreement. The official continued: “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?”

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied: “When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex.”

Then the elder leaned back and smiled: “Only white fella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that”.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his

bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never

have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido

about the missing $10 million, He takes along his lawyer, who

knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him

where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language,

asks Guido,"Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido,

"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back,

"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried

behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."