That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

It's totally, like, nacho cheese, man!

Elise's ghost seems to be talking to a LOT of novice pianists.

Stew

His friend says to him "We're currently drowning in debt because the doctors just cured your amnesia!"

The friend then asks the other friend "Oh no! How are we going to ever pay the bills now?"

The first friend then has an idea.

"I know! Give me 100 dollars and I'll buy a bat, then I'll hit you on the head with it and we can claim your insurance."

So the second friend gives the first friend 100 dollars and he leaves the room. After a while the first friend comes back with a bat and he hits his friend on the head.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed right next to his friend.

And I tried some new strokes

If you want to know, I'm going back to using toilet paper.

Mum is delighted, as it'll not only benefit someone, it'll get his instrument collection out the house.

Three scientists were sitting around the lab getting drunk one day when one turned to the others and asked, "What would happen if we put a giant cork up an elephant's butt?" Well none of them knew for certain so they decided to run the experiment - for science. They gathered an elephant and a giant cork together in a cage. A month later and the elephant seemed to be tolerating the experiment well. Two months later, the elephant seemed to look a little peckish, but still fine. Six months later, the elephant was a bloated, greenish balloon, wedged into its cage, its swollen body bulging between the bars, so the scientists decided to terminate the experiment - but how?

The first scientist said, "I'm not pulling that cork out!" The second scientist said, "I'm not pulling the cork out either!" The third scientist said, "Let's train a monkey to do it." So they got a monkey and trained him to the task. Finally, a month later the monkey is ready to perform the task, and none too soon.

Each scientist set up his own apparatus to monitor the end of the experiment, and on the last day of the month the first scientist was ready to document the event from the one building away from the elephant's paddock. The second scientist set up his laboratory a block away, with videos monitoring the entire event. The third scientist set up his observation post a mile away, with special infrared and x-ray imaging. They all agree to release the monkey who, trained as he is, immediately enters the elephant's cage and pulls out the plug.

They meet later that day waiting in line at the Pearly Gates and get to talking about how they died. The first scientist, who was one building away from the elephant said, "It was awful, I drowned in an ocean of crap." The second scientist, who was in his laboratory a block away said, "I was overcome by the horrendous stench and died." They both turn to the third scientist and say, "You were a mile away, what happened?" The third scientist said, "All I saw was that poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in, and I died laughing."

Mr. Yankovic has declined to comment.

Patient: yes

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

He walked in and shouted ‘air in the hands, Mothers, this is a fuck-up’ .

One lion says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Because the space race was a pissing contest.

An ornithologist, and an author of spoonerism?

The ornithologist watches birds!

The local police are on the lookout for any hardened criminals.

It’s just a big pho queue!

It was great! I felt like I was on The Voice !

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Johnny slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Johnny what's wrong.

"Well," replies Johnny, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Johnny, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Johnny, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p-nis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Johnny, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Johnny slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

And it’s true, but she’s let herself go since then

Him: It’s Private.

Me: It’s ok, you can tell me.

There was a gigantic explosion in a French cheese plant. Debris was EVERYWHERE.

A guy was sitting at the bar and the lady next to him looked very depressed.

He said what’s going on ..

She said I just went through a terrible divorce because I’m into very kinky sex and my husband wasn’t .

The guy said what a coincidence I just went through a very terrible divorce, because I’m into very, very kinky sex and my wife wasn’t.

She said what are we doing here? Why don’t we go back to my place and I’ll pour you a drink? ….

So they get back to her place She says here’s my dog cookie. I’m gonna go and change into something a little bit more comfortable and I’ll be out in a few minutes…

10 minutes later, she comes out weather a leather skirt, fish net stocks and all kinds of chains ..

She declared.. let’s go in my bedroom I’m ready for action…

He said said why don’t we get started in 30 minutes…

30 minutes???

Yeah, I just just got done fucking Cookie…

They prefer DVD-ARRRRs

It is lettuce, alone. Preferably without dressing.

Kremlin brûlée

So the DJ would stop scratching.

Is it called deadpan?

Why did the weatherman bring an umbrella to a concert?

He was expecting a Lil Wayne.