/r/Jokes

Photograph via snooOG

The funniest sub on Reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!

Welcome to /r/Jokes!

Please read our complete rules page before participating.

RULES

  1. Jokes should be offered according to our list of best practices.
    For explanations and examples, please read our complete rules page.

  2. No reposts of recent jokes.
    While reposts in /r/Jokes are allowed, they must meet all criteria for acceptance.

  3. No bigotry, sexualization of minors, hate-speech, or other unwelcome content.
    Per Reddit's site-wide rules, unwelcome content is not allowed in posts or comments. Read more here.

  4. No spam or spam-enabling activity of any kind.
    Spam and spam-enabling activity is strictly prohibited, regardless of how or where it takes place. Read more here. Users may only submit three jokes in a twenty-four-hour period.

  5. Adult-oriented media must be properly tagged.
    Links of any kind are not allowed in posts. NSFW or NSFL content in comments must be appropriately tagged. Read more here.

  6. Please keep your comments lighthearted and civil.
    Remember to treat your fellow Redditors with politeness and respect. Repeated or egregious violations will result in bans.

  7. Accounts must be in good standing.
    Users with spam-like activity, spam-enabling behavior, or evidence of karma-farming in their histories may only post their own wholly original content. Accounts with very low or negative karma may need to seek manual approval for their submissions.

If you find certain comments or submissions here offensive, the best way to address it is with more speech.

Friends of the sub:


/r/Jokes

28,985,979 Subscribers

0

I just got laid...

Off.

3 Comments
2024/06/30
17:28 UTC

28

Dad warned me about masturbation

He said, "If you don't stop, you'll go blind."

I replied, "Dad, I'm over here."

4 Comments
2024/06/30
17:15 UTC

18

My first shift working in a kitchen was spent making sauces from a base of flour and butter.

I was told I would roux the day became a chef...

1 Comment
2024/06/30
17:01 UTC

10

Anyone know what Bark Chips are made of?

It's the name of this new packaged snack from china, can't read the ingredients list but they kind of taste like pork rinds.

2 Comments
2024/06/30
16:51 UTC

8

A guy walks in to a psychiatrist's office...

A guy walks in to a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The guy replies, "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

7 Comments
2024/06/30
15:09 UTC

73

A beer walks into a bar and orders a man.

The host looks at him and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve alcohol here.”

5 Comments
2024/06/30
14:59 UTC

12

How do shitposters get so popular?

By any memes necessary.

1 Comment
2024/06/30
14:47 UTC

65

If you thought the debate was bad...

You REALLY won't like the swimsuit competition!!!

14 Comments
2024/06/30
14:46 UTC

21

Why should you never open a flower shop below a whorehouse?

Because there is way too much fucking overhead

5 Comments
2024/06/30
14:42 UTC

17

A guy goes to a job interview

The interviewer asks, “so do you have any downfalls?” The guy responds, “yes…honesty.” The Interviewer says, “I don’t think honesty is a downfall.” The guy says, “I don’t give a fuck what you think!!”

0 Comments
2024/06/30
14:07 UTC

33

Did you hear about the Sasquatch that won the Nobel Peace Prize?

It was no small feat.

6 Comments
2024/06/30
13:18 UTC

0

I failed 4th grade because

I failed 4th grade because my teacher said I was too immature. That’s what 4th graders do. Immaturity was my major.

For 20 years I’ve been wanting to know what I did that was so bad he flunked me.

I found his number online, and called: “Mr. Kelly, I need closure. Why did you fail me in 4th grade?

Was it the time you were showing our class the wonders of a tiny appleseed and I slapped it out of your hand?

Was it because I used to cover my nose with my shirt to avoid your historically bad breath?

Was it because I tried to charge students admission to ride Nicole when she had an epileptic seizure during class?

He said, Tom, it was all the above.

I said, oh.

He said, Now do you have closure?

I said why don’t you closure mouth because I can still smell your breath.

Click.

3 Comments
2024/06/30
12:00 UTC

58

I can't stop taking blurry photos of myself in the shower

I think I might have selfie steam issues.

5 Comments
2024/06/30
11:22 UTC

14

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?”

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

1 Comment
2024/06/30
11:09 UTC

631

I met my recently divorced friend for a beer last week

Obviously, I asked him how the divorce went.

"She got the best lawyers in the country, so I lost my kids, my house, my car and my dog," he said. "I have to pay half of my paycheck in child support and the other half in alimony. She gets most of my 401(k), and I even had to hand over my family's heirlooms. But I can't complain."

"Oh, so there's a bright side to all of this?"

"No, the settlement also says I can't complain."

37 Comments
2024/06/30
10:00 UTC

26

What does a 1995 Toyota and a hoe have in common

They are both still on the streets till this day

10 Comments
2024/06/30
08:24 UTC

74

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three, the right, the left, and the final front ear.

11 Comments
2024/06/30
07:50 UTC

1,578

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

80 Comments
2024/06/30
06:29 UTC

5

When Albert Einstein would screw something up

His wife would slap him and say “nice going Einstein”

3 Comments
2024/06/30
05:55 UTC

1,569

Two married buddies were out drinking one night

when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.

Whenever I come home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway; I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs; I get undressed in the bathroom and I ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ and she’s always sound asleep.”

18 Comments
2024/06/30
04:32 UTC

67

I just saw a French baker trip and fall inside his store.

He …was in a world of pain.

13 Comments
2024/06/30
04:01 UTC

3

You know who Moby Dick's dad was?

Poppa boner!

1 Comment
2024/06/30
03:16 UTC

28

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because the p is silent

5 Comments
2024/06/30
02:05 UTC

93

What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

6 Comments
2024/06/30
02:04 UTC

1

What did the queen say to the worker on Halloween?

Boo, bee!

2 Comments
2024/06/30
01:12 UTC

7

Q: Whereabouts in London should orphaned penises go?

A: Cockfosters.

7 Comments
2024/06/30
00:45 UTC

0

I used to be super homophobic

A friend made me realize they didn't care about me and wouldn't hurt me.

So I moved into a neighborhood in east LA that was full of them.

My friend was right, it's been 3 years and the houses haven't bothered me once.

12 Comments
2024/06/30
00:40 UTC

0

My wife said I had to stop singing Natalie Imbruglia or get a divorce

I was quiet for a while and she asked if I was ok

I said Nothing's fine, I'm torn

1 Comment
2024/06/30
00:21 UTC

81

The girl I met on Tinder broke up with me when she saw the swing in my bedroom.

Apparently she doesn’t date guys with sexual hang-ups.

11 Comments
2024/06/29
23:41 UTC

20

Have you heard of Star Wars sex?

Hans Solo

18 Comments
2024/06/29
23:00 UTC

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