/r/Jokes
The funniest sub on Reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
Welcome to /r/Jokes!
Please read our complete rules page before participating.
RULES
Jokes should be offered according to our list of best practices.
For explanations and examples, please read our complete rules page.No reposts of recent jokes.
While reposts in /r/Jokes are allowed, they must meet all criteria for acceptance.No bigotry, sexualization of minors, hate-speech, misogyny, or other unwelcome content.
Per Reddit's site-wide rules, unwelcome content is not allowed in posts or comments. Read more here.No spam or spam-enabling activity of any kind.
Spam and spam-enabling activity is strictly prohibited, regardless of how or where it takes place. Read more here. Users may only submit three jokes in a twenty-four-hour period.Adult-oriented media must be properly tagged.
Links of any kind are not allowed in posts. NSFW or NSFL content in comments must be appropriately tagged. Read more here.Please keep your comments lighthearted and civil.
Remember to treat your fellow Redditors with politeness and respect. Repeated or egregious violations will result in bans.Accounts must be in good standing.
Users with spam-like activity, spam-enabling behavior, or evidence of karma-farming in their histories may only post their own wholly original content. Accounts with very low or negative karma may need to seek manual approval for their submissions.Comments must be original and contributory.
Comments in /r/Jokes must written (and proofread) by their authors, and they must be intended to entertain, inform, educate, inspire, or enquire. Unoriginal or non-contributory comments are not allowed. Frequent or blatant violations of this rule will result in bans. Read more here.
If you find certain comments or submissions here offensive, the best way to address it is with more speech.
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/r/Jokes
30,248,427 Subscribers
What’s the secret to sex where your partner’s eyes completely glaze over?
“Edible” underwear
23:06 UTC
If you're European
You piss in a Eurinal
23:02 UTC
Why is Micky mad at Minnie?
Because MInnie is fucking Goofy
22:50 UTC
My sixty-two year old asked me „why was six afraid of seven?“
Dr. Dre
22:35 UTC
Warhammer 40k joke. What does Belisarius Cawl do when he finds an STC?
Mechanicum.
22:35 UTC
Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
A Flossiraptor
22:25 UTC
Today i told a blonde neighbor a joke about blondes. She didn't find it funny and became possessed with rage.
I felt a pang of conscience and told her: "I'm sorry if i offended you with the joke, i didn't think you'd get it."
22:20 UTC
One snowman says to the other…
“Does it smell like carrots in here?”
21:48 UTC
I looked into my wife's eyes and said…
"I would like to make love to your soul."
"Awww, any time, that is so romantic." she smiled.
"Great.." I replied. "I think I'll start with your ar-soul."
21:41 UTC
Did you know there was no such thing as the Tooth Fairy in caveman times?
Yeah, instead they had the Save-your-tooth Tiger.
20:17 UTC
Me: "I've been exploring my sexuality a lot more lately."
My therapist: "For the last time, it's not a threesome when you use both hands to masturbate."
18:33 UTC
What does Chappell Roan do when she's hungry?
Femini-nom-nom-nom
18:07 UTC
What do you call the decision whether or not to buy condoms while driving to a hookup’s place?
A major stork in the road
17:48 UTC
Whenever I attend a funeral I don’t know what to do….
My friend suggests:
Just say “sorry for your loss and move on”
Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to say move on.
16:57 UTC
Getting to sleep
Two young women were discussing their weekend, when one said, “I am so tired today. I didn’t get to sleep last night until after three.” The other replied, “Wow, no wonder you’re tired, twice is usually all I need.”
16:36 UTC
Every time I go to the doctor’s office, I stand in one corner of the room and wave my arms around.
Everyone is weirded out,….but I’m a big fan.
16:30 UTC
People always ask me if I make puns purposefully or not. I just tell them…
Nope, unintended.
16:03 UTC
At first I didn’t like having a tumor on my head
but it definitely grew on me.
15:35 UTC
invisible man gets no service
Secretary: Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.
14:57 UTC
Police have released a dyslexic man accused of selling fake perfume with no odour
Apparently he was of no sniffiginance
14:26 UTC
What do great sex and bad breath have in common?
They can leave you breathless!
13:59 UTC
A costume party.
A man approaches a woman wearing nothing but black boots and black gloves.
- Excuse me, Lady, - he asks, - but what is this costume supposed to be?
- Isn't it obvious? - She answers, - I'm Five of Spades!
13:54 UTC
My relationships are like cursive
You hate doing me but your parents wanna bring me back
13:25 UTC
Two biologists walk into a bar. The bartender asks the first, “whisky?” He replies, no, just water.
The bartender turns to the second and says “tequila?” No, still water, he replies.
12:22 UTC
An Irishman is taking a walk down the beach
He finds a bottle and rubs it; out comes a genie. The genie agrees to grant him three wishes.
The Irishman says, "I've been walking on this beach all day. I'm thirsty. I wish I could have a mug of beer that never ends." Poof, a frosty mug of beer appears in his hand. He drinks it down and sure enough, it fills itself back up again.
So the Irishman drinks that mug down. And it magically refills. He drinks again; it refills again. By this time he's beginning to feel the effects, but the genie is also getting a big irritated. He's tapping his feet, looking at his watch, etc., and finally the genie says, "I got places to be. Have you decided on your other two wishes?"
The Irishman, staggering around by this time, looks at the mug as it fills up again, thinks for a minute, and says, "Yeah, just give me two more of these."
11:38 UTC
There was pun contest, and I submitted ten of my best puns, hoping that one of them would take the prize.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
10:07 UTC
30 to 39 year olds have sex around 86 times per year averagely
Guess I’ll be super lucky in December :)
09:34 UTC
My seven year old son has a weird obsession with numbers that cannot be divided by two.
I don’t, but I do find them odd.
09:22 UTC
"Looks like we got off on the wrong foot there", the newcomer tells his colleague.
"Well for starters, you sick perverts should stop nutting on my feet", the receptionist replies angrily.
09:17 UTC
A traffic police officer stopped me
A traffic police officer stopped me
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer: "Offcourse! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "So, you're drunk."
Me: "But I didn't drink anything."
Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?
Me: "A motorcycle."
Officer: "Offcourse! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer: "A prostitute offcourse."
Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
07:17 UTC