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" Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

“I don’t give a f@ck what you think!” The guy replies.

U r a bus

Pensacola

Theory of Relativity

.. apparently I had left cookies enabled on it.

He couldn't see that well

I said you know what we have in common? We’ve both been inside your mom….

...but I've lived here for over 300 years and I haven't noticed anything weird.

Brians.

An atheist

Remove your rear view mirror. I did and I haven't looked back since.

My son was very upset.

The police chief, unaware of what exactly happened, calls them into his room one by one, and asks them basic questions.

-“Alright, what’s your name, and why are you here?”

-“My name is John, and I’m here because I threw peanuts at the elephant”, the first boy replies.

The chief concludes that the kid didn’t do anything worth being arrested, and set him free. He then calls the second teenager to interrogate him, and asks the same questions.

-“My name is Pete, and all I did was throw Peanuts at the elephant”, says the second boy.

The chief once again releases him, and he wonders “hmm, the third one must’ve done something so awful that his innocent friends were arrested along him for just being nearby”

The third boy then arrives in the room, limping, with a broken arm and bruises all over his body.

-“What’s your name and why are you here?”

-“Well, you know, my asshole parents, the Browns, thought it was a good idea to name me Charlie”

The preacher fashioned his sermon around the evils of sex, and stated that providential wrath was positioned to destroy anyone who had sex outside of marriage. So, on this day, he leveled a challenge to his congregation- “I wish to recognize those women of this congregation who have preserved their chastity in line with the words of our loving savior. So, I ask all of the women here today who are virgins to stand up and be honored.”

An awkward silence stilled the church. After a few more moments, a young lady stood up in the back carrying a small baby.

“You,” barked the preacher, “aren’t you an unwed mother?”

“Yes, preacher,” she said, “but did you expect my 6-month old daughter to stand up all by herself?”

I told her I ain't no snitch.

I mean the chips cost £104.90 but still…

When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”

“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

It bears repeating.

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," he replied. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Drop yours if you can

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

It’s all about the delivery.

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

I reply: "Sure, if it makes you happy."

They ended up scrubbing the mission

I know…Hilfiger it out.

Carpe Diem!

You probably haven’t heard because the French press isn’t covering the story.