A can’t-elope

A very religious female friend told me:

"I use the same Instagram account as my husband because if Mary, the mother of Jesus, lived on earth, she would have a couple profile with her husband Joseph."

I told her: "They would use a couple profile on Instagram, but i bet Joseph would also have a profile on Tinder!"

She: "Then Mary would also have a profile on Tinder."

Me: "That would be impossible, Tinder doesn't have virgins".

One morning I noticed him looking longingly at the old thing. Its face bore plenty of scratches; it’s history written into every imperfection. I wondered what memories it brought back. Were they painful, I wondered. Did they remind him of his old comrades? He hardly ever spoke of the war, and he had hidden his medals a long time ago. I walked over and joined him at the table. I gave him a smile, and nodded towards the watch.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without that thing on your wrist.” I said. He nodded slowly, brushing his old fingers over it, as if it were some precious thing. His eyes far off, his expression unreadable.

“You know,” he said, in a soft voice. “This watch has been with me through so much. Through good times, and… not so good.”

I nodded solemnly. “I bet it would have some stories to tell, eh?” I asked, careful not to push.

“Ha.” His laugh was barely more than a breath. “You know, if this watch could talk, it would… well, I suppose it would say something like…”

I leaned forward slightly. “Yes?” I asked.

He smiled softly. “Did I ever tell you the time?”

..even Yo-Yo Ma asks her for music lessons!

It was a werewolf.

Explanation: >!The animal was a werewolf - were wolf!<

I told him I already do that every night with a bottle of wine.

She's changed her wi-fi name to "HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice"

So they sent them to Rwanda.

That does sound like a lot of my dates.

Which is what the locals call the toilet from Trainspotting.

They say " Deedly snike" and I think that's beautiful.

Her clothes can talk to ghosts

He saw me admiring it, and he said "See? If you work hard and really give it your all, next year I'll be able to get another one."

edit: Relax guys, it's a joke. Our CEO doesn't even know who I am.

I …am a big ceiling fan.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”

We don't organize it chronologically. We use the do-me decibel system.

Off the Preci-piss.

Wife changing money.

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a shapely, well- endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.

The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg,” whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest went to the window and said, “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Of course he also fled.

Then came the third priest. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

She keeps telling me "we need to have a little chat."

Harry Potter and the disorder of the Penix.

(I'm sorry)

Flake news

Poor guy was dyslexic.

In an unprecedented move to connect with Gen Z voters, the RNC unveiled their new voter outreach campaign this week, proudly titled "Hit the Skrrt on Voting." The campaign, which promises to be “extra cheugy” if young people participate in elections, encourages Zoomers to vibe with not voting, calling it the ultimate “big brain” move.

“Let’s be real, fam,” said a totally “with-it” spokesperson from the campaign, wearing a backwards hat and sipping a boba tea. “Voting is mad sus, and we’re just trying to keep it 100. If you wanna flex on your squad, the best way is to skrrt away from those polls. It's high-key giving no-cap vibes not to vote. Y’all feel me?”

The campaign has quickly garnered attention for its generous use of confusing slang in an attempt to be relatable. Billboards across the nation now feature slogans like, “Voting? That’s straight up mid” and “Simping for democracy? Nah, fam.”

“We just want Gen Z to know that it’s totally valid to ghost civic duty,” said the spokesperson, dabbing aggressively. “Stay woke by not being woke, ya know? Plus, it’s way more pog to just Netflix and chill on Election Day.”

Whether or not the campaign will succeed in turning out—or rather, keeping away—young voters remains to be seen, but the party insists it’s vibing with their target audience.

As of press time, the spokesperson could not confirm if “yeeting democracy” was the official slogan for 2028.

But I find it touching, myself

Man, she would have been pissed if she knew I meant kilos.

A guy who hounds you to death!

So, my wife managed to crash the car again today.

When the police showed up, she was all fired up,

insisting that the guy she hit was being totally reckless.

“He was on his phone! Can you believe it?!” she exclaimed.

“And, to make matters worse, he was sitting there, casually sipping on a can of beer!”

The officer, trying his best to hold back a smile,

took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eye, and said,

“Ma’am… he can do whatever he wants… in his own living room.”

He said, "Fuck it, take me to KFC."

They both like a tight seal!