I’m consistently filled with shame and anger towards this decision. I left the city I was really established in and had a dream job in because I couldn’t leave my home and was too traumatized by the space. I was so anxious and didn’t know why and before I knew it I was packing up my apartment and booking it on a three month back packing trip before my therapist and I figured out I was raped, ya know the flashback and stuff. I feel I threw my whole career away and I can’t find another job that was like that one even though everyone told me I would. I’m at an all time low and hiding out trying to apply for graduate schools like that is going to fix anything.

I don’t remember much of this so apologies. When I was 6 or 7 me and my brother(Middle school age maybe 12 or 13)Would hang out all the time unsupervised. One day he started teaching me about sex.(Now it’s obvious he was a bit blinded by porn and didn’t really know much) because of his lack of knowledge I only know sex was fun and that it’s how babies can be made. So I asked If we can have sex(Mind you I was 6 I could NOT CONSENT)He wasn’t opposed but was kinda uncomfortable. He would dare me to suck his dick and I would. This was only a one day thing but still I feel a little bit taken advantage of even tho I technically consented to it but I was 6 and didn’t really know much about sex and wasn’t aware how immoral it is.

I 30f was raped by a friends with benefits a few months ago. He was someone I trusted and had known for a while. We were starting to get into kinkier play when he ignored our rules and me saying the safe word and kept going. I didn’t report because I was to ashamed. I’ve had therapy and it seems to be going well. Recently I started dating and I didn’t tell him about what happened but we were trying to have sex and as soon as he started trying to enter me I shut down. I had to ask him to stop and it’s happened 2 times so far. I don’t know how to get past this but I’m trying too. It’s just so hard

I just feel like always conflicted and I always need reassurance. I have been raped and sexually assaulted a lot, I was impacted most by what happened when I was 16.

The first time feels weird, it is questionable but it wasn’t so bad even if he lied about the circumstances to prevent me from saying no to sexual contact. The next few days, I ended up around his house again because school was opening later than we thought, he pulled off my clothes from me. I told him no, I didn’t want to do this. He ended up forcing himself inside of me when he made me give in, it hurt so bad and burnt because I wasn’t wet or had any preparation. I was not expecting to have sex that day nor did I want to.

He continued until we gotta go to school. At one point, it even felt good but I didn’t want to do it. Afterwards, walking hurt and to this day, I still have nightmares. The nightmares have gotten worse, I have panic attacks and complete meltdowns. I went around a guys house and got raped but sometimes, I doubt myself or feel like I’m overreacting.

I’ve got cptsd, DID and BPD with other disorders.

I don’t want to go into too much to tell about my relationship because it ended recently, but it seems now that I have lost my safety net. All I can think about is the pain I feel and I feel numb My relationship didn’t end because of assault or infidelity or anything bad just distance and timing But I felt safe with him, and I worked through my assault that happened years ago while on a break and now i feel so lost the trauma is coming back to me and i genuinely hear ringing in my ears and i feel so numb and stuck yet in my mind im terrified but at the same time because it was years long i almost want something bad to happen to me because i feel worthless I don’t feel safe with most men, but this one I felt so safe with over the years and now that I’ve lost him I don’t think I do this anymore Truly im scared truly i feel like a bus needs to hit me.

hi, so i'm pretty much writing this to decide whether it was rape or if i brought this upon myself and now i gotta deal with the consequences like a big girl lol. i'm giving the whole story with a lotta context btw.

okay, so i (18F) just got out of a relationship and went to this guy's house, let's call him X (22M) for a house party with a couple friends. i met X a couple days prior at the cafeteria on my campus and he asked for my instagram; i said yes.

anyways, i get wine drunk asf at the house party and i am alone with X. im telling him how bad i want him and whatnot, but i end up going home with my friends because im drunk asf obviously.

i go back to his house again the next day to link properly, and we smoke weed (it's my first time), and i get high asf. i'm seeing things and completely disoriented. i end up giving him head for like 2 hours straight bc i refused to fuck. he kept asking to but i kept refusing and i hated every minute of it but i didn't leave for some reason, i don't know why. i was hallucinating cartoons during it all and they were my moral support haha (i smoke regularly now and i know that hallucinating on weed isn't normal but he smoked that same blunt so i don't think it was laced or anything so idk lol).

and now for some idiotic reason i go back again a couple weeks later. maybe i thought i was ready to lose my virginity this time? maybe i liked the attention? idk but i knew that i wanted to smoke, and i didn't have a plug, so X was the only option. but this time instead of smoking, we drink. i can't really remember too much tbh but he poured shots into my mouth (and his own) from the bottle. of course we start kissing again, and he started asking to fuck again a bunch of times. i kept saying no no no not tonight etc etc. at one point he asked if i had any holes he could put it in. at this point i just wanted it to be over, so when he asked again, i said fine. can't remember much about the rest other than it not feeling good and just wanting it to be over. i was pretty drunk, but he was drunk too because he threw up and went to sleep after he finished. i was up for a while apparently bc i have facetime logs and texts on my phone that i don't remember sending, but yeah.

rape or no? i can't really decide, and not knowing sucks !!!! it all sucks fr bc i wanted my first time to be with someone special i felt safe with :(

I've been sexually assaulted at varying degrees most my childhood. Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me that everyone can see but me bc how could so many individuals, adults and other kids, take advantage of me? I'm the common denominater. It's like they can see it, they know it's already happened to me. Now I'm an adult, it hasn't really happened much since I was a teen. I had one situationship that would consistently do things I had asked him not to. My thighs being touched or bruised is an intense trigger for me. I told him. He touched me there anyway. I think he liked when I would get upset, freeze up, or check out. I think it kinda turned him on. If I cried he might hug me for a bit but he'd keep going afterwards. I wouldn't say no once he crossed the boundary so that was my fault, I never reminded him. He once left bite marks all over my thighs. I dont think I was actually fully present in my body until they had faded away. The hugs were nice tho. It kinda hurt that he'd done the things I'd asked him not to anyway. Now it feels wrong to make boundaries or say no at all. Like it's better to just let things happen than to say no and have it happen anyway. At least then it's not intentional.

I've been in one serious adult relationship. I think I fucked it up. I couldn't say no or set boundaries around sex. I think they would have stopped if I asked but the words never made their way past my throat. I remember a few times I had checked out completely and once they noticed that I wasn't really there anymore they'd stop and try to ask me questions but I'd just agree to everything. I dont think I even knew what they were saying at all. Just the idea of denying them made me feel ill. I dont think I could stand the idea of saying no and it happening anyway so I just wouldn't say no. They once said I wasn't doing either of us any favors by just letting things happen, that they'd stop of I wanted to, that my wellbeing was far more important to them. I know that's probably true but it just felt like a lie that I didn't want to test. And even if it was true how long would they put up with it? How many times was I allowed to say no before they'd get sick of me? Even now after we've broken up I have a hard time setting boundaries.

We're still really good friends and hang out frequently but they are much more physically affectionate with their friends than I am. I've never been a touchy person, I hardly make physical contact with my friends at all but they hug and cuddle and stuff with their friends. Recently they hugged me and I just kinda curled up and froze. I'm OK being touchy in relationships but any touch from friends just feels awful and invasive. They asked what that was about. I defelcted, I didn't want to make them feel bad for passing a boundary they didn't know existed. Later they asked if they could have a hug, I started to go for one but I think they saw the discomfort on my face and said "we don't have to if you don't want to" so I asked "Do you want a hug?" And they said "yes, I'm sad" so I hugged them. It was awkward and weird and I don't think it comforted them at all. I felt like a scarecrow trying to hug someone. It's like the second someone wants something from me the mere idea of denying them makes me feel awful and wrong. I know logically that it's my body and I have autonomy over it but it doesn't feel like mine. I don't feel like I have the right to deny anyone what they want regarding my vessel. They're probably gonna do whatever they want anyway so what's the point.

It's been seven years and I still struggle doing things I enjoyed that have become associated with it. I recently got in contact with a friend from that period and it's been amazing and made me happy and to where - while the high lasts - I can do the activities I once enjoyed. But the high doesn't last as long as I want it to and I took a couple shots of alcohol to try to relax myself to be able to do it today but well now I'm a bit too tipsy for that kind of coordination. I know this isn't healthy or good. I'm trying to heal and I am and I want to make choices for myself and wish it didn't affect me as much as it clearly still does.

!I was r**ed 7-8 years ago. I’ve processed it in therapy with EMDR methods. I’ve finally got rid of the physical pain it caused me to feel while having sex (the trauma my body held) and I am finally learning to forgive myself through realizing it wasn’t my fault and it doesn’t define my worth. For years I had sex with people I dated but just because I thought that it was my only value to them and I’m not allowed to say “no”. It hurt because of the trauma but I pushed through. With my new partner, he was very strict with not having sex if it hurts me or if I look like it hurts/I don’t want it etc. and it had totally made having sex so much harder for me.!<

BUT ever since then, sex has felt “dirty” or “wrong” or something that makes me less of value. It makes me feel shame, self loathing and disgust and guilt. Can some of you relate to this? What had helped you?

I’m in a relationship and I would like to feel comfortable with having sex with my partner but it just feels wrong.

I think about this every single day and sometimes I feel like I overreact, or I shouldn't really call it rape. I was a young child, 9 - 11 years old and I had an obsession with the games named moviestarplanet & Roblox. My stepdad used to always bribe me with stuff for the games even if we weren't even in the best financial situation. He offered me things and wanted head in return. I said yes because I was young and I didn't really realize how bad it was, he wanted to go further one time but I told him no because I felt like it was wrong and it felt weird to me. He told me that he did it because my mom ''didn't want to have sex with him as much anymore'' so he needed me to fill the gap I guess. He would constantly bribe me, then when I said I would tell my mom he said she wouldn't believe me, and he'd hurt us. I'm just wondering, is it still rape if I said yes? Even though I was young and ''children can't consent'' I still sometimes blame myself for what happened. Maybe it was my fault. I don't know. Me and my mother already went to the cops about it and he didn't go to jail because I was so young and traumatized that I couldn't get my story straight. They told me to come back when I was older but im scared.

He used to SA and rape me all the time while we were together. The relationship was sick and a nightmare to be in, I still remember very little of it. The other day, I found an old conversation with him and a third girl he was trying to have a three-way with. We exchanged some nudes, I was into her and saw no problem with that. But he sent one I had no idea he had. One I was blindfolded, binded, in so much pain and discomfort. I remember vaguely the day, I had asked him to stop many times and untie me. He didn't, he went quiet. So he had at least one picture of that moment, he sent it and the girl loved it, I just didn't know how to react. I don't know if he had more. Probably yes, he just wanted to show one to me. And to another person. It happened so many years ago. Could he still have this photo? Could he have shown to more people? I honestly don't care if he shows nudes I let him take or sent it myself, this one freaks me out.

It happened almost 6 months ago, so it's been a while and i'm glad time is passing more and more so it doesn't feel as fresh. But it does. I can still remember the disgusting slimy feeling of him on my body and i can still smell him and i can still feel the way i was struggling not to gag/throw up because of how disgusting he smelt and how scared i felt. I've showered and brushed my teeth 100 times but there's times where i feel just as dirty and used as i did on that day. I've become a clean/hygiene freak and even that doesn't help to erase the feeling i get. Even when i'm cleaning myself in the shower or if i occasionally touch myself i have to stop because my body/brain reminds me of what he did to me and i feel physically fkn sick ugh. The worst is remembering the smell, it makes my stomach churn and i have to drink water or chew gum so i don't get nauseous. I just hope i start to forget what he did to me as time passes because i'm sure he's repressed his guilt and moved on to the next girl as they usually do, meanwhile i can still feel his weight on top of me as he violated me

tw: Proceed with caution. While I don't get into full detail of what happened, I can see how this can be triggering so again please read with that in mind

I've never done this before. Like, make any public posts like this for anyone to interact with. I guess it had just scared me and I'm just a paranoid person when it comes to strangers. That and I'm already isolated enough as it is and I didn't want to get addicted to coming on here and talking to strangers on the internet. I apologize for any grammar errors going forward. It's late and I'm feeling lightheaded. Aside from that, a lot has been happening with me lately.

I was raped back in February a few days after Valentine's Day by someone I thought was a friend. His friend had also taken advantage of me and while he didn't rape me, he would touch me inappropriately and wouldn't take no for an answer. They were roommates too. Two peas in a pod, huh? I hid it from my parents for almost two months and was in denial about it happening at all before the reality of it just came crashing down on me and I couldn't keep up the act of everything being fine. My mom found out and was surprisingly supportive but I had begged her not to make a police report. She did and not only that but had also called my manager (they were also old co-workers) and asked about them. Now the reason I was extremely against making a report was because I had nothing against him. The moment I got home I had immediately taken all my clothes off and washed them along with having thrown out my underwear. Even with that, I had nothing. I just didn't want to relive it or face him or his friend. My manager had apparently called both him and his friend and told them about what my mom had said, and they both tried to get in contact with me and a friend of mine who knew them. I blocked them right away but from there everything just seemed to topple over.

I begged my mom not to tell my stepdad but she did and he didn't know what to say. He couldn't even look at me. Not out of anger, disgust, or shame but more just pain and not knowing what to say. He's not a emotional man aside from getting angry. It didn't surprise me. From there it felt like I was drifting along the days not being able to do anything. Life felt like it had just stopped for me the moment I accepted what had happened and I couldn't concentrate or sleep or do anything. My grades started to drop, and I had a hard time leaving bed at all. It was all holding me down. That night kept bleeding into every waking thought and still does to this day.

What he told me and how he treated me like I was just a pity fuck when I didn't even beg or propose sex. All I told him was that I used to think he was cute when we worked together, and he immediately took me back to his room. Coercion. He was an awful kisser and horrible at being enticing. At the time I was just coming off of being sick which had taken nearly two months to get over because I'm immune compromised. I told him how I was dealing with bulimia at the time and how any physical activity wore me out and made my heart feel like it was going to explode with each step I took. How my hair was starting to fall out and my skin was dry. I gave him the gory details of my life and my physical condition hours before it happened, and he still coerced me into it. Sick. I kept telling him how my body was far from prepared for anything like sex at all. Hell, my libido was at rock bottom, and I was just tired constantly. How did he look at that and hear that and think I was ready. I've done my all to block everything of that night from myself, but it doesn't work. He looks just like us. Just like you. He can make you laugh, smile, give you a ride when you need it, but he was a monster.

"Come on (my name), you're making my little thing fall asleep. You don't wanna make him fall asleep, do you?"

"Could you at least suck my dick if you aren't gonna do anything? It's only fair."

"No. We're not done until I get it in."

There's a lot more but I'll spare you the rest. It makes me nauseous. It hurt. It felt like he was stabbing me, and it burned. He just kept talking down to me and saying weird shit. I felt so disgusting. I had begged him to just stop and hold me because I was shaking, and he did until he didn't. He wouldn't stop until he "got in" even though it was obvious that it wasn't possible and that I was in pain. I was a challenge. He wasn't into me, but I seemed just desperate enough for him to fuck. The last blow was painful enough to make me yell and feel paralyzed for a good minute. He just laughed. I couldn't talk because it hurt that bad. All I could say was "home. go home." My period came the day after. It was early. The cramps just made the soreness feel worse and the blood was coming out of me like I had been gutted. I woke up with my thighs soaked in it and my sheets stained.

I think I died that night. I think I died, and I've been living the past few months as a ghost. Or a zombie. You feel grimy. Soiled down to your soul and no amount of scrubbing yourself under hot water will make you feel clean. One of the sheriffs who came by my house when my mom made the police report said "One day you'll forget it" as a passing comment and no, I can't. You never forget. You can cope and you can move on, but it never leaves you. There's been a rage that's been building up in me alongside the depression and I don't know what to do with it. I've been going on walks and exercising, just taking better care of myself overall but that rage doesn't go away. I had blown up at myself over not being able to park the car while driving my family and normally I never have outbursts like that, but after I was raped, I just wasn't the same. My stepdad was sitting in the front seat with me and just turned and started screaming at me. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD!" I was having a full-on breakdown. I didn't give a shit about the car; it was just a tipping point for all the emotions that were building up in me. I kept saying how I couldn't help it or control it and all I got was "YES YOU CAN! YOU'RE DOING IT ON PURPOSE!" I really wasn't and couldn't. It was all just bleeding out of me, and I couldn't stop. He wouldn't stop screaming at me and I never curse at my parents and never have but I was so stressed and just completely out of control that I just covered my ears and kept screaming back "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I wish had just kept my hands over my ears and didn't look at him.

"Just get over it already! It happened and there is nothing we can do about it. Get. Over. It. Stop using it as an excuse!"

I wanted to kill myself and take him with me when he said that. The man who had only a month prior to this held me and said he was sorry he couldn't protect me, and he was sorry. Told me to open up to him and stop hiding in my room. I don't use my rape as an excuse. I went back to school, I started going to therapy, exercising, reading, drawing again, trying to get my life together again. Cleaning around the house when they all leave it a mess. Pick up his dirty dishes and trash that he leaves around his favorite chair. I did that even when the blood wouldn't stop pouring out of me. I never said, "I can't do this because I was raped!". Never. But then I realized what he was referring to. I did open up to him. I did it over text because I have a hard time verbalizing my feelings. I opened up to him about my emotions and how sorry I was that I was still having a hard time leaving my room and that I felt selfish for isolating myself and worrying him and my mom. That I was trying but my room felt like the safest place for me and that I promised I was trying to get better. He never responded or even acknowledged it in conversation. "Get over it." Doesn't he think I know that I can't do anything about it? I know that. No one needs to tell me that. I never told them what it felt like being raped. I wonder if he'd be able to get the image out of his head if I gave him every detail of what the guy did and how it felt. I wonder how easy it'd be for him to get over it.

I feel empty. I'm the most apathetic I've ever been. I think they gave up on me. I think my only friend is tired of me. Their messages are shorter than usual and dry and take hours to respond. I'm the one that always starts conversations. I'm angrier than I've ever been. I think I definitely died that night. Nothing feels like me.

context: gay sex, asssault

I just wanted to share this cus I can't tell this to anyone right now.

so I(19M) was kind of restless and wanted to go through Grindr and meet dude and just get it out of my system just to feel what's so great about sex. I messaged this guys and at first he seems harmless, we chatted for a couple of days and even video called so in my mind he was real and harmless. I also learned he was a tourist from a neighboring country so our languages weren't that far but his english was bad and our messages was sometimes kind of not grammatically correct or coherent, which was a red flag but I kinda didn't know.

After a few days and we planned to meet at his hotel that he was staying. when we got to his hotel he didn't even talk to me and he kept chatting on his phone, calling his brothers or sisters. And i just sat there in his hotel room and played my phone.

He did made few questions to me about places to go around there and about the currency of my country (which is so stupid. if you want to go to visit a country, at least do you research before hand). and when we talked his english was so bad. I didn't even know what he was talking about.

Then he finally put his phone down and said he's tired and needs a massage while he's grabbing my dick. In my mind i thought okay, its okay let's just get this over with, give him head, get head yourself and then straight out of here.

So i gave him a massage and kind of stroked his dick, give him head and all that
tbh, that part of out session was so hot, and I still fantasised about it sometimes, so this part is nice.

but then, he told me to strip and flipped me on my back and started to rub his dick on my ass. I was like okayyy maybe he want to thigh fuck or just like to rub it against my ass. BUT HE STARTS TO PUT IT INN. and I said no, i can't, i haven't stretched myself of any prep.

and he said okay and then went to the bathroom AND BROUGHT SOAP, AS LUBEE.
by this time I knew its fucked up, but idk i was kind of naive and still confused and I'm not really mad at myself for it but damn, i should've ran by that point.

be then used the lube on me and tried to finger me. BADLY, his nails were sharp and he didn't do it gently, he just poked me and not rubbing or trying to stretch at all (I think he's doing it just like in porn where they poke at the hole. completely not knowing that it's all an act and in reality you should be gentle and not poke but rub and stretch).

After only fingering me for a literal minute, he went back to shoving his dick in me.
and for info, he's hugeeee like 7-8 inches, and thick, and I'm a 5'9 dude so I'm not small but damn it was it big.
he kept pushing it in and I kept saying stop and no and pushing him away. But he just kept going at it, adding more lube and fingering me horribly. and after a while of me just trying to cope and tried to disassociate.

when he was getting tired and stopped, I was kinda glad it was over but also confused on what happened.
He then told me to go to the bathroom and we went there and he then tried to fuck me again. while standing up. what is this, a pornshoot???

but I was over it, im just like, got it done. and he tried to get inside again but the this isss mr. shithead, you cant just fuck a virgin hole with that ugly monster you got with barely any prep!!

so he tried to get in again a few times. but I always stopped him. And when i tried to control his speed so it wasnt that painfull HE SLAPPED MY HAND OUT OF THE WAY????!!

like bitchhh, i was just trying to make it less painfull and he repeatedly put my hand out of the way so he can continue fucking me. (this dumbass, I hope he dies a painfull death)
at some point he was to harsh, and not listening to me, i had to literally grab his balls and pulled at it so he wouldnt move.

after that, and i couldnt stand it i told him to just fuck my thighs and he did that. pretty fast so i was just relieved he didnt have to hurt me. but after that he went back in. and then got out again. he then turned the showed and i was confused, my head was so dazed at this point. turns out he ejaculated IN ME???? LIKEEEE HIS FINAL THRUST WAS TO JUST CUM IN ME???? WITHOUT MY CONSENT OR ANY WARNING?? this jackass

I was just ughghhhh so over it. and he showered a bit, without soap btw, and let me shower and gave me the towel. i said to him i didnt cum yet (this is shit, but might as well orgasm right?)

and i asked him if he can give head and he said no, with an exasperated and cofused face. (like bitchhhh sex works both ways)

i said just jerk me off, so i can cum. and he had the audacity to say
"but this is so small" and kind of jerked me like he would rather do anything else right now. so i just stopped him.

then we put out clothes back on.

i just started to leave and get out of there
forgot to mention, at first i told him if i can stay and maybe go out with him the next day and he said yes. but at that point i just never wanted to see him again.

as i was packing he again, had the audacity to ask why im leaving and "whats wrong, you said you wanted to stay the night"
i just said im tired and wanted to go home.

and he accompanied me outside the hotel. which is kinda nice, cus then i didnt feel like walking the walk of shame alone haha

and when we parted he asked me this
"you know where to find girls for sex at night around here?"

i just said idk, and left

i hate this guy
his reference to sex is onlyyy porn
and sadly, his knowledge on sex is probably just porn aswell and stories so he thinks him fucking is gonna be soo pleasurable. which is soo fucking wrong and such a bigoted way of thinking and such a "men" type of thinking.

i blocked him immidiately

sorry for the long post, i just kind of have to vent,
i hate him and hate that experience, but I do think I am able to get through it and have good, un-rape sex in the future, with the right partner of course.

i do think i should probably get tested for STIs or HIV but idk where to go and my country is pretty traditional minded. in the future when i have money, i'll get it tested
for now though, i just have to be patient with myself and let this shitshow run on the background of my mind.

if anyone have any advice or maybe you want to share aswell, please do tell
I just want to be heard and not judged and feel loved

thats all i think

anyways

love u guys~

My mood swings so much That 30mins ago I was crying like a hurted child whose world is shattered to then anger about everything that has happened to the rational solution in merely hour And maybe because I'm transitioning from anger grief solution so fast. I'm not able to experience all and every feeling of that one emotion and maybe that's why after some time i again fall into this cry-anger-solution.

And now from 2 days I'm quite rational about wht has happened that event. And I'm like questioning myself that why I'm so rational and in that questions I'm not able to do my daily chores. It's so messed up.

Also my grand dad died 4days ago so I even have that guilt.

Kindly help me. Also I've exam I'm stressing about that. I slept for so long yesterday. And guilt for not studying too.. Everything is mixed messed up.

Also none of my offline friends understands me. Tried telling this experience and one of my friend slapped me. and then i thought about calling my ex who is emotional I know. He agreed to meet but lives 70km away from my home I've not shared whole story just told him sexual assault has happened. But he said he can't come to my city so I'll have to go to his city in the heat of moment I said ohky I'll go to his city but I'm terrified now. What if something will happen in the road. What if I'll get raped. My thoughts have no break.

What should I do? And right now I'm rational

I'll also have to go and check up with gynaecologist for pregnancy and STD's. Will do that on Monday.

But I'm quite rational right now and that's killing me. And also the fact that I'm not studying right now. What should I do????

Will go for swimming. So going back to normal routine will help me. I guess

After swimming will make timetable. For studying and also to reflect on this event and learn not to trust people some exercise like forgiving myself.

Also tell me what do you use for self protection? Like paper spray or pistol or what?

okay so, I dated this dude I actually ended the relationship due to this occurrence. we had been dating almost a year, he had gone to his dads for a week to help with landscaping, I was at his house (I was living with him at the time) So me and him had been going through argument after argument. and it always seemed to be my fault? which confused my brain and I felt like a jigsaw puzzle that was never to be solved. I had not missed him at all while he was at his dads which gave me a clear idea of my feelings lessening. When he came back from his dads I was asking him how his trip was and everything, and he just said nothing and flipped me over and started to have sex with me, I was not turned on or anything, it was sore and dry and felt like a rash? he noticed I wasnt turned on so he then flips me back over and starts to finger me really hard, where it felt like I was being impaled, I started to cry because it was sore. He then flips me back over and starts to penetrate me in the uhm wrong hole and It was so painful I screamed and begged him to stop but he wouldnt so I had to physically pull him out of me. and then he continued to penetrate me in my right hole, and I still wasnt into it, After that I sat there on the bed so so confused.. he was sitting in silence like he was in shock? He then took me to dinner and I asked “so what was this for?” he then goes “I feel grossed out with myself..” I said “you should.” And then publicly verbally abuses me.

I just am still confused if I was raped? This was like 6 weeks ago.. My anus was bleeding for 3 days afterwards because I was in so much pain and I was constipated due to feeling stinging pain every time i tried to do number 2.

Hiii please help - I’ve literally been trying to wrap my head around what happened. Basically, there was a good looking guy who I became friends with and was flattered that he was interested in me and long story short my phone died while a group of us were out - & we took the same bus back home & he offered for me to come upstairs & I said yes cuz I wanted to charge my phone before I walked home alone… he definitely liked me though & I knew this. Anyway I start charging my phone next to his bed and I’m now aware that I’ve put myself in a stupid situation. He starts getting touchy & I just leave it. I know my trauma response is to freeze from past situations. I have a boyfriend and he’s in another country at the moment and basically since I’ve moved I’ve been very detached from my home country and loved ones there and have just been going out and kind of feeling way too free here and safe since I come from a dangerous country. Looking back I probably should’ve never made friends with this guy but honestly I felt like I was living in a box back home and I wanted to create a new more outgoing me so that’s just to explain my mindset. This guy also told me he has 2 other roommates which made me also think that there’s no way anything would happen if I go upstairs. Anyyyway, he knew from the start I have a boyfriend and that I couldn’t do anything with him, but as he’s getting more touchy and I leave it, he eventually puts his hand over my underwear & starts rubbing like fast and kinda holding me down. I said no & stop and was trying to hold his hand away but he kept going I think because my body was reacting positively which I couldn’t help??? Fuckkk my life. Anyway I kinda just sat there afterwards a bit frozen and he put my hand on his dck and eventually got on top of me & pinned my hands down with his hands & while I was lying down & he was on top of me he put his dck in my mouth… I couldn’t move or get him off me. I’m basically grappling with the fact if I led him on and he just got super sexual and became like idk freaky?? As I said I know I didn’t consent to it but my body wasn’t reacting like I hated it? I kind of just turned around faced the other way and fell asleep after that. I just really feel like it’s definitely half my fault and I’m feeling so so guilty especially because I have a boyfriend. I wake up every morning with a panic attack and I cry in the shower feeling like I ruined my life. I also left in the morning and never spoke to this guy again and he never contacted me either. I’ve been with my bf since I was 17 and I’m 26 now. Never had anything else go on with any other guy not even looked in anyone’s direction. I didn’t scream or shout or anything like that while this was happening to me. I definitely feel like it’s majority my fault. I feel like it’s easier to think I cheated than to face the fact I might’ve been assaulted. Please help

I’m not sure whether what happened to me is considered SA or if I’m being dramatic

I f16 was broken up with by my boyfriend also f16 about a month ago. The other day I got very drunk to the point I was in and out of consciousness and my eyes were rolling back and decided it would be a good idea to go to his house. He let me in and was all over me even though he expressed that he doesn’t really want to do that to me anymore when we broke up. I recall him saying something about him learning that drunk people can’t give consent but I don’t remember the context so therefore he knew I was intoxicated as he also mentioned that he could see my eyes rolling and saw me pass out many times. We slept together which I’m aware of but I don’t remember any of it and I have also come off of the pill once we broke up. He said he came on my bed by accident but I remember looking and seeing nothing. I’m not sure if I’m just being dramatic but something doesn’t sit right with me and I don’t know whether it counts as sa because I technically gave consent but I don’t remember doing so and I’m not sure where he finished and I’m scared that it might have been in me. I am embarrassed to reach out to someone because my best friend experienced something much worse and I’m worried she’ll think I’m just trying to invalidate her and I’m scared my parents will hate my ex boyfriend because I’ve been working hard to get back with him and I think telling them about this will ruin any chance of that. Sorry if this is a bit upfront

Hey, I’m here to vent if that’s okay.

I was sa’d by my older brother most of my childhood which has handicapped me mentally to the point I cannot function like a normal person anymore. (I’m now 22)

Last year my mom came out and told me that she had actually known for the last 5 years and kept on loving my brother like nothing happened, she also went on to tell me that I wouldn’t understand the love a mother has for her child and tried to justify his actions which made me feel more betrayed than ever before. (I’ve been living with my fiance since and going back to therapy soon).

But as I’m sitting on the toilet now I realized something extremely f’d up. My parents got recently divorced but I remember a few years ago my mom came up to me and told me that often she doesn’t want to sleep with my dad but gives in because he guilt trips her, she told me about more disturbing things he would do (my dad’s a narcissist). I was the first person to validate her feelings and make her understand that she is being sa’d by my dad which helped her a lot in life since.

It breaks my heart that as her child I was there to validate her feelings and stand up for her in front of our family but she completely let me down and stabbed me in the back when it was her turn to stand up for me….

Follow up to my last post bc I don’t know what to do I want to talk about it because I want him to hold some accountability. I don’t want to talk about it in person, I’d prefer to write him a message and leave it there.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if it’s too serious to speak over text or if I can

Help?

Is it rape

I need some advise. I have been cing a person on a sexual basis no relationship one evening we had sex and then went to a bar at the bat I got drunk and decided to go back to sleep in the car

When I came around my pants where off and we where having sex I told him you hurting me, and then asked him to stop a few times but he only stopped when he finished.

After I got dressed and went home.

1. In a way I don't know if it was rape beacuse that night we previously had sex
2. I didn't activatly try to get him off my I was still pretty drunk so I just kept saying u hurting me and stop
3. I thought nothing of it until I told a close friend about my night and they said wtf that sounds like rape.

I truly don't know what to think I don't know how to feel.

I did ask him what happened that night and he said nothing that he dropped me at home. But I remember everything from the time realized I was having sex till I got into my house and cleaned myself up

I 20f was raped by my boyfriend when I was 15-17 We were together for a year and a half and the whole time he would pressure me into doing stuff with him. He would say I didn’t really like him and when I would give him reasons like I didn’t feel good he would claim I was lying. One time I had an ovarian cyst and was in so much pain but he cried and insisted I did what he wanted so I gave in. Later that day I collapsed in pain and had to go to the hospital because of the cyst. He also on multiple occasions took off the condom without telling me and lied about it afterwards. This continued the whole time. When I tried to bring it up or break up with him he would threaten to kill himself or his family and would show me the guns in his house to prove how easy it would be. In October of 2020 I was in a zoom call for high school and he kept trying to pressure me and I said no repeatedly. He eventually held me down and assaulted me and I cried and screamed and fought but he held me until he finished. Afterwards I cried and was so so confused. It took me about 3 weeks to understand what happened to me. I spoke to my friends and they were all very concerned and I assured them if something had happened again I would leave immediately. I went to his house and he tried to force me to give him oral and I freaked out. I cried and screamed and I told him I no longer felt safe and we couldn’t be together anymore. Afterwards he begged and begged me to forgive him but I couldn’t. A few months later he took a bunch of pills and called me. He told me the only way he would go to the hospital is if I brought him. I told him I would call his mom and he got her phone and told me he would shoot himself and her if I said anything to her. So I got him and brought him to the hospital then left.

The next school year everyone who used to tell me he was abusive and manipulative immediately was friends with him. People I had known for years everyone I knew took part in helping him harrass me. He had MY hoodie I had worn when I was assaulted and he gave it to his new girlfriend. I was triggered constantly and I wasn’t able to go to school without having a panic attack.

Now three years later the girl he gave my clothes to who helped force me to tears daily got a job at my job. Triggered me daily and constantly was talking about me and staring me down. She even told me it was all my fault it happened and she was just being manipulated by him but I was the one in the wrong. I ended up quitting because I couldn’t handle it.

It’s been years since I was assaulted but I still think about it everyday. It kills me to know my abuser is in college doing great while I am scared to leave my house.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford therapy and it’s been a few years now so I feel so silly being this hurt. I also can’t help but start to think I made it up and I’m crazy. I’ll never understand how everyone took his side. I worry my childhood abuse caused me to misinterpret the situation. But also I know how much it hurt me and scared me so I know it really did happen.

some context: I was at this party with 3 friends, 2 girls and this guy that I thought was kinda cute. They eated some edibles before I got there with a bottle of whisky, one of the girls went home and the homeowner (the other girl) the boy and me were the only ones there. The girl drank only half a cup, me and the boy drank the rest of the bottle (I drank the most part cuz I paid so yk) We were smoking in the balcony when the boy kissed me, I kissed him back and the girl called me to help her clean the kitchen so I went there and we ended things there.

Ok, so at some point of the night we entered a fight and the girl locked herself in her room, I went downstairs to smoke and drink more and the boy followed me, we kissed again and he tried opening my pants, I said I didn't want to do that cuz the homeowner was gonna be mad at us (she specifically said for us NOT to have sex) I also was not feeling like it, cause I am in fact assexual.

I said "no" to him a lot of times and said we could do that another day he asked me "You really gonna leave me like this?" so I did it.

We did that 2 more times cause he kept putting his hands inside my pants even tho I kept taking his hand out and closing my pants everytime he tried to open them

In the end he didn't even had a condom on, my friend got mad at me and won't talk to me, people at my school know I might be pregnant (Im only 16 so that's also something) and the only person I talked to about said "Oh yeah, he is like that" so I don't know if saying it is rape is exaggeration or not

I know how serious the topic is so I don't wanna say I got raped because I still talk to him and I was into him

I don't know who or were to talk about this, I'm really confused rn

rape victim needs advice

hello everyone. i'm 19 years old and i was a rape victim by a 28 year old. he studies to become a doctor and i feel like someone like him does not deserve to work with people. it all happened 6 months ago and he took several videos of it happening. of course i tried to hide my face the best as i could, but it makes me sick to know that he HAS those videos on his phone, potencially posted them on forums and stuff... im going crazy. like, actually crazy. i started taking sedatives because i have severe ptsd ever since it happened. i want to text him so bad and ask him to delete what he has on me. i want to talk to him so bad, i want to unblock him and cry for help. maybe he would feel sorry for me. but realistically, i know he would just be happy if he sees me suffer.

i even thought about emailing his school, but i know nothing would come out of that... it makes me sick, because i see his face everywhere. he's in his school's football team, and that football team is kinda famous in my country, so i often see people celebrating him...

what should i do ? should i text him ? should i not text him ? i need some advice.

p.s my country does not punish rape or revenge porn, so please dont say "go to the police". i truly feel like i'm going to do harm in myself because of this and i just really do not want to hurt the people around me

hey, i'm posting this for someone super close to me.

​

"hello. my name is n**** and i am a survivor. 1.5 years ago, i went to a party with a friend i had met online. that same day, my life would change forever as i was drugged and raped by him and his friends in public. no one did anything... they all watched. in fact, some said they wanted to join in. all i really remember is being raped before passing out. since then, 3 of them have been arrested but the others got off scot-free. i guess my question is... how do i overcome this? how do i move on from this? i think of suicide quite often. i remember this so clearly and it haunts me. therapy isn't possible where i am. what do i even do? please, provide me with any advice possible. i really need it. i genuinely cant handle some of these thoughts im having"

as a child, i’ve been groped multiple times by different people in different times and i don’t remember hating it at all (the parts i remember, im not so sure if there’s anything else i don’t remember that i maybe blocked out) anyway i remember enjoying it and i think that fucked me up as an adult. because i would masturbate to the thought of me being s/a’d and it turns me on so much. during my teenage years i was recklessly hooking up with boys and i had no emotional connection to it whatsoever and i was just desperate for sexual validation all the fucking time. once i graduated high school i kind of calmed down a bit but i would still hook up every now and there and id always feel disgusted with myself after. i now started to enjoy being jerked off to, being watched, basically being a exhibitionist. i love the idea of men (id never ever hook up with or im not attracted to whatsoever) jerking off to me. i feel like this is all twisted and connected to my s/a in a way but i cant seem to connect it or understand it. i fear i might not enjoy sex (i’m a virgin btw) as an emotional connection but rather another way to orgasm for me because once i start doing something physical with a guy i cannot pursue it romantically anymore and i emotionally detach from him. i wanna understand why is my kinks and sexual life twisted and how can i heal it? i tend to sexualise myself too. but what’s on my mind is why didn’t my s/a sadden me in any way why did i enjoy it and why am i not pissed off over it now??

Hi sorry if I say some bits wrong It’s my first time writing on one of these and telling someone properly..

Backstory: I’m 18 (f) and I was in a relationship with Z (lets call him Z) 18 (m) for over a year at this point, our sexual side of things has always been rough he was a Christian and I was willing to wait till marriage but one thing led to another and yeah, he loved an@L and I absolutely hated it, whenever we did it even taking precautions it would hurt so I’d say no and same with sex in general tbh I just wasn’t feeling it as we were always fighting so I never wanted sex, but he always used to tell me off and try getting me to do it there was multiple times I had to beg him to stop trying to keep asking all the time he’d do it over and over until I agreed, even sometimes I’d end up crying and he’d continue. My best friend S also hated Z with a passion because she found that Z was really horrible to me during the relationship.

So in December last year (5 months ago) me, my boyfriend Z and my friend S (let’s call her S) all stayed at mine for a sleepover, it was here we decided for the first time I was going to get drunk, we were watching a film and drinking just me and S, as my boyfriend didn’t want to because of religious reasons which was completely fair, so eventually me and my friend were drunk (me mostly) i was a mess, i only remember certain bits but i was just a mess (ive seen videos) like i fell through multiple gates 😭.

So anyway, as time was getting on they managed to finally get me to bed, my friend S went to my room whilst me and my boyfriend stayed in my mum’s, now my memory of the night is all fuzzy, but I remember parts of him climbing on top of me and starting to have sex, and I remember I REMEMBER telling him to stop over and over and he didn’t listen, he then tried forcing an@l on me and I remember how much it hurt, I kept saying stop and after a while of me begging he did stop, but I would predict maybe all of this over 10-15 mins of me begging him to stop, before he actually did, keep in mind me was 100% sober, I immediately fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning I was sober and devastated, I remember going to the bathroom and being in pain because of it which solidified in my head that it had actually just happened. I confronted him, he said “I was asking for it” according to his POV I was touching myself, begging for it, which i don’t remember so I don’t know if I did or not, but regardless I told him to stop, you know? Over time from December to February, it was a discussion I kept having with him because I genuinely think I was raped, he keeps denying it, saying I was asking for it and it isn’t rape, he just wouldn’t admit it, which got me angrier and angrier. Eventually, roughly around January; I told my best friend S, she was devastated as she didn’t know and hates him for it, she also agrees I was raped and is adamant I was and that he’s in the wrong. However, I don’t know how to feel, the reality just has not set in yet for me and I don’t know what it would be classed as so I’m here as kind of a hope that your opinions can tell me whether I was raped or not.. I broke up with him and I haven’t talked to him in a month now and I intend to keep it that way. Additionally, one of his excuses were “well your obviously not that drunk if you remember this” and that “I was falling through gates so” which just proves my point even more that I couldn’t consent but he is adamant he didn’t do anything wrong..

Thank you for your time reading this!

UPDATE:

So I sat him down and we talked about it. I told him about the memory loss and the doctor and the physical trauma and all the meds I’m taking for potential infections now. I told him the situation and how it was really hard for me and I’m still processing it and that I knew I had to tell him because I respect him and care about our relationship.

He did not get angry, he was kind, he listened and he understood. He believed that it was not my fault and he said he doesn’t see me as broken or dirty or anything like that. He did say he doesn’t want to have sex for a couple of months because of the HIV risk which is understandable. I wouldn’t want to put him at risk for that even though the likelihood of me having it is very low. He said that’s not a big deal to him to abstain. However I did ask him if he still wanted to be with me, and he simply stated that he has some things he needs to think through and think about how they affect our relationship. I tried to push for more information but he basically said talking about it before he’s processed it is unnecessary.

We proceeded to hang out during the night as usual. Our dynamic didn’t change, I got the support and reassurance I needed and we agreed that we shouldn’t have sex for a month or two until I can for sure get an accurate test. The only thing that makes me nervous is what he may be thinking behind the scenes about how this affects our relationship. He told me I don’t have anything to worry about because if how he feels would make him leave then he wouldn’t be a good partner for me in the first place. He said we are still going to hang out and all of that completely like normal, but he really seems to not want me to worry about how he’s processing it. After talking about it we hung out like nothing happened, we went back to joking around and talking as normal.

It would break my heart if he left because of something that wasn’t my fault. But I had no choice I had to tell him, and I don’t think he’s going to leave anyways. It’s just the way he said he needs to assess and process some things that immediately made me think the worst. But he said he would rather be honest about how it makes him feel and I understand that. I know he really values the relationship and me and cares about me so I’m glad he was honest. I think everything is going to be fine, and things are normal for now, I’m just scared. Of everything.

***ORIGINAL: How do I tell my boyfriend I was sexually assaulted while he was traveling?

I don’t even know where to start. He’s been gone for two weeks and while he was gone I went out with some “friends” (they left me alone) because I don’t normally go out because I’m usually with him Saturday nights.

I went to a gay bar so I thought I would be ok. I remember being at the bar, and then waking up in my bed at home. I’ve never had memory loss like that before. I know what blacking out feels like and this was obviously drugs. I went to planned parenthood and they said there was obvious trauma down there. Someone forced themselves on me.

He is coming home soon and I know I need to tell him (I’ve been getting tested and all of that stuff). How do I even bring this up? How do I make him understand it’s not my fault? I would never cheat on him and I don’t know when the assault happened still but he deserves to know. I don’t want to ruin how happy he probably is from his trip. But I know I need to tell him sooner rather than later.

And no I don’t know if I’m going to the police yet I haven’t decided. I wasn’t able to get a rape kit because I didn’t know I couldn’t change my clothes or shower or any of that. I washed myself immediately because I couldn’t stand feeling so dirty inside and out.

How do you tell someone something like this? What if he thinks I’m dirty or disgusting or a liar?