Tw: pedophilia (?) When I was in first grade I remember sitting on a chair wrong and I fell down in a way that the metal part of the chair hit my crotch. I started crying because my private part hurt so the teacher took me to a single stall bathroom and started to rub an ointment on my private. At first i thought it was embarrassing and i hated that she was seeing me without underwear while touching me there. I didn’t think much of after that and went home with an uneasy feeling but the next day she took me to the bathroom again asking if it still hurt. I don’t remember what I said but she touched me again. I remember feeling uncomfortable and wanting to stop her but i didn’t think to speak against a teacher. She proceeded to do this another time but my memory of why has since then faded. I don’t know what she was thinking touching a child like that when she wasn’t even a nurse but I also can’t say for sure that there was animosity behind those intentions. All i know is that it definitely messed me up in a way. I started having fantasies of my teachers naked and being touched by them before i even knew what sex was. I always had a strange attraction to older women and didn’t understand why. At some point i would fantasize about being picked up by a teacher who my parents trusted to then perform sexual acts with her in her house. I was 10. As i got older i started realizing the moral nuances in what my “fetishes” were. I would gravitate towards porn with large age gaps, public indecency, or a younger person having unexpected sex with a “trusted adult”(no cp, it was either role play or fictional comics). It’s kind of funny how it all fits together. Around when i was 17 is when i really figured it out. At that age i was still convinced i was a “milf hunter” but as i really started exploring my sexuality i realized i wasnt even into women at all. I honestly still don’t understand how that works lmao. But as soon as i found that out i didn’t know why i was into that sort of porn. I was soon hitting 18 and basic ethics hit me like a bus. I still got aroused by these genres but as a soon to be adult i felt like i would turn into the perpetrator and not the victim. I felt disgusting and i still do because i still struggle with these fears. Eventually i pieced it together and when i realized the root of my “fetishes” i did feel significantly less guilty but id be lying if i said it was gone. I still get aroused by most of these genres (mostly fictional, but nonetheless still disgusting) and i feel so much self hatred. I feel like i was robbed from being a normal person. Now im 20 and i have a boyfriend who’s the same age but im scared to ever mention this because its disgusting. i really want to change but i don’t know how. I avoid these thoughts but i feel like its a part a me and i desperately want to get rid of it all. I wish i could’ve had a normal childhood. Im sorry if this disgusts anyone but im genuinely too ashamed to even mention this to my therapist.

I have no one IRL I could comfortably explain this to at this point. But it’s keeping me awake and I need to get it off my chest. I’m a female, nearing 30. I lost my virginity at 13 when “dating” a 17 year old. He definitely pressured me but that’s not even the point of the post. He was a horrible person, sold drugs, had trash friends, and took advantage of his family. I was talking to someone who dated him after I did, recently. Last week actually. She said one time she randomly woke up to him doing sexual stuff to her. It just woke up my memory like an explosion. When I was 13 I went to his house, he had two extremely creepy friends over, and I can picture him mixing kool aid. He offered me some and I drank it. I then remember waking up in his mom’s bed to him having sex with me. At the age, I felt awkward like I must’ve fallen asleep and I felt embarrassed? I just went with it like nothing happened. Never saw those two guys again at his house. Never thought about it again. Looking back now, obviously there’s no way of telling for sure… but did they do something to me? Why did I wake up to him having sex with my body? I don’t remember falling asleep, and that isn’t something I’d do at someone else’s house anyway unless it was an extremely close girl friend during the evening like a slumber party. This was the middle of the day and he had convinced me to ditch school that day. I never thought I’d make a post like this, it feels stupid but I can’t stop thinking about it now that the memory was somehow.. triggered? I have a lot of ptsd from my childhood and often block out negative memories.

(21f) in my senior year in high school, i dated a girl for about 8 months and it wasnt really the best relationship. i dont really wanna get into the specifics of it, but im fairly confident she sexually abused me. i confronted her about it and she did apologize but something in me just couldnt accept anything she said to me, i dont feel like going back and reflecting on whether or not her apologies were even sufficient. i lost friends because of this and have been deeply struggling with worsened mental health problems ever since.

i hooked up with someone a couple months after we broke up, but that was over two years ago now. i know its normal to go without sex for long periods of time, especially after sexual abuse, but its just becoming so hard for me. its all i think about. she used to ask me practically everyday if i wanted to makeout or do stuff together and it was a constant in our relationship, and whether i wanted it or not, now im used to it and i miss it so much. it feels so horrible and confusing. because after that, all i wanted was to make good experiences with someone to make up for the months i spent being used for my body, and now that ive gone so long without it … i dont know. i wish i was wanted.

i miss being kissed and grabbed. i miss being told how attractive i am. i miss having someone who wanted me even if it was scary. she never even used to hug me, she didnt know how. i just miss having sex so bad, but its not easy sleeping with others anymore. i just cant. i feel terrified of what theyll think of me, of me pressuring them or causing them discomfort with all my issues, being too much, and i dont even know what i want. im scared of breaking down and being vulnerable. i know that sex is inherently intimate, but i just cant stomach the thought of hurting another person with everything wrong with me. i just feel so bad about myself and dont have the energy to put into finding someone on dating apps to hook up with anymore.

i feel so tired and alone. all i want is to be kissed. i want love.

is anyone else struggling with this or have advice for it?

It happened so long it honestly feels like it was a dream. I have OCD and a lot of people with OCD have false memories which leads me to become scared that I just dreamt of my sa since it was so vivid and I have a really bad memory. I’m just so scared it’s not real I remember after my SA a doctor touched me down there for some reason not sure but I didn’t have a bad reaction or really any and now I’m scared that I just made up my SA in my head. I’m just so over having to deal with this.

I’m confused

Idk really how to start this. I’m 14f, my ex bf is 17m. He raped me a few weeks ago and when my dad “found out I had sex” he made me go on birth control. He doesn’t know my bf raped me cause I don’t think he’d believe me tbh.

At first I didn’t even think it was rape cause we were dating and that’s just not something I thought I was possible I guess? He was always super nice but then that night he was so mean, and he hurt me a lot. He left bruises on my hips and made my lip bleed, and was generally just like, super rough with me. He acted nice after when I just laid there, and he wiped the blood off too.

I was also really confused cause my dad loved him, and really wanted us to date. He brought up my bf spending the night (made him sleep in the living room tho) and everything so. He really liked him and I don’t think he’d be on my side :// how do I move on from it? Cause I can’t really tell anyone except my best friend who made me realize it was rape

Tw: Self harm

I have a real problem. It took until I was raped for me to realize that I had actually been sexually abused multiple times in my life. From as young as 3, up until recently. It's happened so much I've buried and normalized it.

On a seemingly unrelated note, I've been trying to quit social media, particularly Reddit. I know I know...I shouldn't be here. But that's the problem. I can't seem to quit. I've made posts on my other account to this subreddit, and similar ones. And I realized today why I do it.

You see, I know I'll get responses from creeps and jerks telling me I deserved it, or I enjoyed it, or that it wasn't that bad. And I indulge them every. Single. Time. No matter how awful it makes me feel, I keep doing it. And today I realized why. Because it's a form of self harm. I can't cut myself. I don't hit myself anymore. I have people who care about me, who watch to make sure I don't physically harm myself.

But they don't see what I do online. They don't realize that I put myself in a position to have myself insulted and degraded, and hurt, over and over again. And I can't stop. I try and try but I find myself here over and over again. And I realize that it's because I have spent my whole life feeling like I deserve to be abused. That I'm somehow inherently bad and so I need to be treated badly. That everyone else can see it, so it must be true.

The sexual abuse was awful, but I can't talk about it. Not in therapy, and not irl. Online is the only place I feel I can express it, but it's tainted by this addiction to inflict mental harm on myself.

I don't know what to do anymore. And I blame myself for not being strong. I blame myself for being in this position, where I force myself to relive those moments over and over again. It's like a drug, but at least with drugs you get a temporary high. I just get the withdrawal symptoms when I try to quit.

Anyways, that's my thoughts, feelings, and horrible confession. I don't know what else to say or do. I hate myself.

its been 6 years now. My once husband is now an ex but I still cant shake the anger that I feel sometimes. The desperation to understand how he could do what he did and continue living his life like nothing happened. How he could assault multiple people in his life and not care.

I just want to know how to stop doing this to myself. I want to stop being angry that he is remarried and moving on like he did nothing when I have to hold the pieces every single day.

How do I stop this? How do I stop being so fucking angry at him, at his mother for knowing and doing nothing, for the judge who berated me during the divorce for choosing to leave rather than go to couples therapy. at the people who told me that we had a kid together so I just needed to let it go so he has two parents in his life.

how do I stop being mad?

Backstory: My daughter (14,afb) has been friends with Dylan* also 14, afb basically sincle Dylan was born a month after my daughter. Early on we noticed that Dylan had been experiencing what seems to be trauma. Her mother pulled her and her siblings from school at an early age. Allowed the child to supposedly smoke and drink. Etc. She was taken into state care and recently her grandmother, my neighbor got custody of her.

Recently, my daughter has been acting out as most 14-year-old do however it’s getting extremely violent and not like her. To the point that she had been sent to crisis intervention twice.

Her boyfriend was molested by his cousin around the same age and through therapy was able to open up about his experiences and in doing so my daughter realized what she went through wasn’t okay orbwhat friends do and verbalized that she had beeb SA’d.

When she told me where it was, and when it was, I immediately put two and two together and asked if it was Dylan. The only reason I came up with that name was because I remembered at that age my daughter wrote in her journal that Dylan had kissed her, and she felt super uncomfortable, but that the girl had made her feel like if she said that she was going to be in trouble. I asked her about it at the time and she expressed her feelings but swore that’s as far as it went. I told my grandmother about the journal entry but unfortunately a lot was going on an I can’t remember what was said in response

FF to today and my daughter verbalized exactly what happened, when and who. : My daughter is accusing my moms best friends granddaughter of assaulting her. The woman who is in my home EVERY SINGLE DAY. (I can’t even come home from work as a nurse and take a shit in my own bathroom without this woman making my mom ask when I’ll be done, and yes there are 2 bathrooms. In the house) my mom has refused to tell her friend not to come over. “ bc she needs her” and her granddaughter is being accused of forcing my daughter to touch her.

When I brought this up to my mom and sister I was informed that a few months ago when Dylan got caught w weed pens in her backpack she told her grandmother that she got them from my daughters “black cousin”. my mom said “ I can understand the science of experimentation, but we all know that DDwasn’t forced” which ended the conversation and I went straight to the police department and opened up a case

Idk what to do at this point. My mom is choosing her friend. They all keep saying my daughter wouldn’t let someone force her to do anything, they don’t understand why she waited so long to tell people. And as a SA survivor I’m ashamed of myself for not being more angry or able to verbalize

Edit for my own memory: the girl is a ward of the state and her gma has custody of her. Cps should have been made aware of this

It happened while I was awake, but in bed pretending to be asleep. Now whenever I try to sleep it is happening again and again and I get agitated. I don't really like sleeping or beds anymore, or the feeling of sinking in to a mattress. It makes me claustrophobic.

I have been tried sleeping on the floor and keeping the lights on. I know it isn't good but I can't get over the sinking feeling.

Any advice is appreciated.

I didn’t know the flair to put as I was 16 when this happened but let me explain.

My girlfriend (16F at the time) and I (at the time 16M) were making out, and it was getting a little sexual. I think it’s important to mention that she herself was raped by her boyfriend before me, so I was a virgin, and she was technically not. After a little while she wanted me to put my dick in her but I didn’t have a condom and because of that I told her I didn’t want to. Put she kept telling me to just do it and try it and I was so scared so I just did it. I almost cried bro. It’s been a year since and I’ve always thought back to that day and the long term things that could’ve had. So I guess my question is was I sexually assaulted/raped?

I started seeing my husband when he was 24 and I was 19. I was mentally ill, traumatized, addicted to drugs, and very very poor. He lived comfortably enough and didn’t experience many of the issues I went through.

Looking back now (I’m 28) I see that our relationship was innapropriate. He definitely took advantage of my age and vulnerability and he treated me really poorly for the first year or so of us being together. So poorly several of his friends pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay. He had never gotten physical, but would be very rude and mean and had thrown things near me before.

One day, he assaulted me. He wanted to have sex and I told him no. Which I NEVER did. I have a high drive and I was generally ‘in the mood’ or at least up for it. This time I was not and I TOLD him.

I said no and he kept going. I had been assaulted before and I just shut down once it started happening. I felt frozen. Afterwards, I cried and yelled at him and he tried to hug me and I pushed him hard off of me.

After that I just cried for days. I don’t remember a lot of it, but then I just shut it out. I pushed everything down, and while I had anger towards him, I never let myself think about it. I would not acknowledge what happened. I won’t say I forgot about it, but it was locked away.

A year and a half ago, it came up for me. And I’ve been trying to deal with it and make things work because financially I’m not stable without him. I’m scared to lose my house and his family. I’m scared to lose him. I love who he is now. But the idea of forgiving him for this makes me sick.

I asked him to find some place else to stay tonight because I just needed a break from being around him. The anger I feel towards him is so intense.

I felt like I was dealing okay, up until a few days ago. He got upset that no one had told him happy birthday. I completely saw red. I yelled ‘I’m supposed to throw a birthday party for my fucking rapist?’ And I hit the wall as I stormed off. I had never said that word about him before. I don’t know how to deal with this rage. I want him gone but I’m so scared to lose everything. I don’t expect an easy answer, I just can’t tell anyone in my real life for obvious reasons. Thank you for reading.

On Monday, I was standing in line at the grocery store when the stranger behind me sparked a conversation. We began to chit. Later in the conversation she tells me she is a teacher. ☺️ I told her I wanted to be a teacher and I was thinking about going back to school. I love kids, always have! I am 31 years old by the way…90’s baby. 😎 I asked questions about the job (pros and cons/likes and dislikes) her attitude changed. As we talked, we stepped out of the line to continue our conversation. When I inquired about her job like I said, she began to cry.

I was taken back by that. I hate seeing people cry. I hate seeing people upset. So when she cried, I held back tears myself.

She told me she was fired from her job. The job she loved. Her dream job. She loved her students and they loved her. She didn’t specify which grade she taught, but I know it was 4th grade or under.

At this point, I was listening and not speaking. She proceeds to tell me one of the most horrifying stories. 💔

It’s triggering, for sure. 😔

Let’s call her “Mrs. Kay”.

Mrs. Kay got alone with everyone and like I said, he students loved her. She should be a video from the past where her and the entire class were dancing around the classroom. She said she was so heartbroken, she could hardly stand watching the video.

What tears in her eyes, she told me what she saw that day.

Mrs. Kay walked down the deserted hallway to a fellow teachers classroom. A male.

By the way, this happened in 2017! 🚨

She has since found a new job, but what happened that day still haunts her.

So Mrs. Kay walked to the end of the hallway, she said no one was around so it’s possible it was after school. When Mrs. Kay turns the corner, she sees the male teacher standing by his desk with two children.

A little boy, and a little girl. She didn’t say much about the two victims but she did say the little girl was wearing a turban.

Mrs. Kay described in great detail what she saw. The little girl was on her hands and knees on the floor while the little boy had his hands on her hips. The little boy was instructed by the teacher to thrust his hips into her backside. The two CHILDREN continued this act while the teacher (who was in his forties) watched.

I could t believe what k was hearing. Mrs. Kay said when she interrupted them, the male teacher looked like a deer in headlights!

I’m not sure what happened next…I don’t know if Mrs. Kay went straight to the principals office or if she grabbed the two children by the hand and rushed them to safety. She said the children look terrified.

When Mrs. Kay reported the incident to the principal of the school, nothing was done. No action was taken. No investigation. I was told that the principal and this teacher are friends. Either the principal didn’t believe Mrs. Kay, or the principle was covering for him…

I don’t know how you can cover for a ped0phile…so maybe the principle didn’t believe Mrs. Kay! I know it happens, but why would she make that up? She has nothing to gain.

Coming forward with this information cost Mrs. Kay her job. When she spoke up on behalf of these children, she was considered the problem/troublemaker. They didn’t look into the male teacher. They didn’t have him investigated.

Sadly, Mrs. Kay was fired and ordered to collect her belongings from the classroom.

I know the names of the two children, but it’s been years and now they are 17/18. I pray that they have healed from the abuse they experienced in 3rd/4th grade. They are victims. They were abused. The male teacher is a PREDATOR!!!

To my complete and utter shock, this man is STILL a teacher at the SAME school. He never left. Also, he is married and has one daughter and two sons.

Why can’t love you. I’m gonna come over here with my baby. Are you gonna set your alarm for me too abuse be taken seriously.

Mrs. Kay, I believe you!!! Thank you for sharing your story! ❤️‍🩹

So you’re probably wondering what happened next. Mrs. Kay reported the offense to the principal and nothing was done. Mrs. Kay wasn’t ready to give up!

I (23f) was sexually assaulted by someone I knew Sunday night/early Monday morning. It was a guy I was talking to. He wanted to come over, I was fine with it but let him know numerous times that we were not going to have sex/do anything sexual. Everything was fine until I started to nod off after working on homework/watching tv. Long story short, he ended up molesting me and trying to give me head. During the incident, I tried to move his hand and tell him no multiple times. One time he wouldn’t move his hand, almost like he was forcing it to stay put. He also pulled my pants down multiple times. I was so terrified during all of it, and I feel like everything is my fault for letting him come over. I was so scared to outright tell him to leave I told him he could leave if he wanted to. He decided to stay and forced me to cuddle with him the whole time. I was so frozen with fear I didn’t know what to do. He kept kissing my forehead and cheeks, asking me if I was uncomfortable and why I wasn’t falling asleep (I stayed awake the whole time only nodding off for about an hour max). He ended up leaving in the morning after my alarm went off. But before he left, he texted me an apology stating he only tried because he was very attracted to me and that as a man he has needs.

This whole situation has fucked me up. I have been breaking down crying, having nightmares, and randomly shaking. The thing is, I am grad school for social work and feel forced by some (even my mother) to push this into the back of my brain. But I can’t. I have been missing my classes and internship because it’s so hard for me to get out of bad. I have four assignments due, one being to facilitate a group therapy session but I just can’t right now. This has really affected me and I don’t know what to do. I ended up telling two of my professors and they were empathetic, one wanted to meet with me. But, I just feel so much pressure (internally as well) to move on and still show up for school and just other aspects in my life. I am so stressed out and every time I think about everything I just break down crying. I really do not know what to do. I need support.

I have scheduled a therapy appointment with my therapist, but am just so shaken up I don’t know where to start or what I need help with. I just feel like this has ruined me.

Hey everyone, a couple days ago on the night of the 26th I was raped. The guy said he pulled out but I've never had sex before and it was too dark to tell so I'm not sure....

My periods are irregular and sometimes I don't get them at all because of stress. So my next period could be in anywhere from 15-70 days or not at all.

I should have bought a plan b but I was just so in shock and ashamed to go to the store. I worked up enough confidence to buy a test today, and I'm wondering when I should take it. Would it work if I took it now or should I wait longer...?

So I’m currently 25 and I had this boyfriend in high school grade 12 and first year of university.

The relationship became emotional abusive he isolate me from my friends and family, and told me I was lucky to have him because I was so unloveable but I had him who was willing to overlook all that and just how lucky I was to have him.

I started to get bad dreams in university about getting SA got really depressed had bad anxiety and was in and out of the hospital because of it.

One night I wake up to find touching me and fingering me. I started to freak out and tried to push him off but he was strong so I stayed and waited.

The next night I woke up again to same thing this time I decide to fight back more until I could get him off of me but he pinned me against him so I couldn’t move and kept going

The third night I woke a again to it happening and this time I fought back with everything I had I kept telling him to stop and no and I kept pushing and shoving until he was off of me.

That morning I decided to bring it up to him and when I asked him about it he said he was asleep and didn’t know anything about it. I decided to believe him because I wasn’t ready to face the truth but the next night it stopped. And the bad dream went away.

About a month later I started to get bad dreams again after two nights of it happening I decide to bring it up my bad dreams again after to my boyfriend and he admitted to touching me while I was asleep but didn’t know I was getting bad dreams so he would stop.

We were suppose to move in together in about a month and for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He gave me a ultimatum that we are moving in together or breaking up and that I hurting him really badly when I said I didn’t want to move in with him and how I would have to earn his trust back. I just repeated I couldn’t move in with him and just like that we were broken up and I was free.

It took me about 3 years another sa experience to realize what he was doing me wasn’t okay and it was in fact sa and how abusive he was.

Anyways I’m 25 know and my mom saw him in town and decided to bring him up to me and how much he hated him and all that bs.

That was 4 days ago and I’m still feel like I’m reliving my trauma and thinking about it constantly. I can’t get everything that happened out of head.

Sorry for the long rate I just needed to say it somewhere any comments welcome

Side note: I’m already in therapy and had talked about it in therapy I thought I was over it until a few days ago

TRIGGER WARNING

At the start of 2024 I was going to a small university and was out at the bar with one of my friends. There were only 3 people there that night (me, my friend and a stranger). Over the span of about 3 hours I had 4 drinks. The entire time I was there I just argued with my friend about forest biodiversity, I maybe spoke 3 words to the stranger. I had only been at the university for about a week because I decided to work and do the fall semester online. So there was no chance that I knew the stranger prior (I also lived about 24 hours away from the university prior to going).

At the end of the night when the bar was closing I was fine, speech wasn't slurred, could walk fine. My friend and I parted ways, I was going to go to a party on campus and he was going back to his place. So the stranger said he would come too. After leaving the bar (which was also on campus) things started to get pretty fuzzy. We didn't end up making it to the party. The next thing I know hes pushing me into his room and onto the bed. I remember him violently ripping my clothes off, my eyes were closed for the most part. When I do remember opening my eyes all I can see are his cold dead eyes. After a little while I was no longer able to open my eyes or move but I could feel everything. This was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I was unable to move and I could feel him dragging me across the bed and positioning me the way he wanted. When I ended up regaining consciousness he said "oh you're awake now" and as I frantically tried to leave and couldn't find my way out he took me out. At this point I was pretty well running and when I got to the bottom of the stairs he said "I'm surprised you could make it down the stairs".

He then stalked and harassed me for 2 months after this happened. He sent me a message apologizing and wanting me to come over for him to make it up to me and cook me a meal. He would wait at the bottom of the wing that I lived in. He cornered me in a stairwell. He sent one of his friends asking if I still drive the same car, still hike the same trails, hang out with the same people, where I go and what I do.

The odd time that I did leave my room he was always end up being there. When I was walking back to my room he would come up beside me and start glaring at me. He even ended up following me off campus when I went to the pharmacy, luckily I beat him back to the school by about a minute and watched him walk back up with an empty bag.

The day after it happened I was in too much pain to get out if bed, I had black bite marks on my neck and didn't end up taking plan b right away and had a miscarriage after about a month.

he ruined everything. the gym (pretty sure i saw him there twice now), any fucking car the same color as his, being in public, intimacy with my husband, going out on the weekend, making new friends, my self esteem, the list goes on. what he did to me seems to be incredibly insignificant to him; we had just met that night but I haven't been able to shake this awful feeling of anxiety, rage and disgust since I realized what happened. now i've become full of hatred for a person who knows little more about me than my name.

I was 18 at the time (Im 27 now) my older sister(30) suggested I do this tattoo apprenticeship with my brother in law(43) (they've never married just have been together for 12 years at that time) because he wanted to teach someone. I agreed because I was a bit of an artist at the time. I didn't really think much of it but he made comments about my body before I was 18, I developed really early and am well endowed in the chest area, can't really remember all the comments he made, but really remember an instant when he said something along the lines of "he couldn't wait till I turned 18" I've always been a shy one and didn't really know how to respond but I do this thing where I giggle when I feel uncomfortable. A month into the apprenticeship he convinced me to finally get my first tattoo I picked something on my thigh I wanted it on the front of my leg but he had convinced me to put it on the side on my hip. While I'm the middle of this tattoo he started talking about how he's always liked me and thought I was pretty. Then he started talking about his relationship with my sister and how she didn't want to do anything anymore. I'm mid tattoo and it was my first one so I'm kinda of in an awkward position and it was a little painful. I didn't really respond kind of just let him continue. He asked me if it got super uncomfortable he had a way to distract me from the pain. I told him no I was okay. And he keep asking me more and more and I kept continuing to tell him no. But he continued to persist I had gotten to a point where I was in pain and was tired of him constantly asking and I finally gave in and said fine he then pulled out his thing and proceeded to insert while still tattooing me. I honestly didn't really know how to respond. I didn't know how to react and I didn't know what to do. After i left I felt so much shame and so much guilt. I didn't know how to tell anyone and I especially didn't know what to say to my older sister. My niece was really young at the time and I felt like I would ruin everyone's lives if I said anything. It went on for a year. Towards the end of it I failed to complete my hours (purposefully) I didn't want to be in that environment anymore. I lock and keyed that whole year, suppressed it and didn't really think about it for a long time. I do know I had a lot of issues because of it but never really connected the SA to the stuff that I was going through in my early 20s to it. I never thought about it again until my younger niece confided in me about him making remarks about her while she was getting a tattoo one time. And I opened up to her about it. Then I finally told my younger sister about it. I heard my older sister was moving back from Florida finally and started having nightmares about it. I finally told my younger sister I wanted to tell my older sister I was so afraid she was going to hate me and blame me even though I already knew it wasn't my fault. It was just anxiety that kept telling me that. We set up a time to get dinner when she was back into town. I finally told my sister and dad what happened I told them I didn't want to go into detail about it but I wanted to get it out. She was so understanding and I felt a weight off my chest as soon as I got it out. She was still with him during this conversation. We haven't really talked much since I told her. I found out a couple days ago that she's still with him. I never really wanted to stop talking to my sisters because I love my family but I know I have too. I cannot be around her knowing she is still with the man who took advantage of me. And she knows everything that happened because there was a camera in the room and she watched the whole years worth of footage. I'm still trying to figure out how family events are going to work because I have gone no contact with her. But I don't actually think we could ever make amends, my little sister has been good support for me through this and when I told her she was absolutely disgusting by it. I haven't told many other people about it. The rest of the family is still unaware and im not to sure if I want to tell many other people since all of them still talk to both of them. But anyway, that's my story.

17F here,

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my uncle from when I was 5-6 all the way till I was 10. What he did to me really traumatized me but I can never seem to open up about it, although I really want to. I just want to tell someone of what he did to me but I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and just overall, I get super emotional describing it. I’ve tried telling a therapist once but I got all chocked up and decided I didn’t really like therapy, and I haven’t gone since. I don’t really know what I’m getting at here but I’ve recently been having nightmares of him taunting me. In those nightmares I always see him in my aunts house mocking me because our family accepted him back with open arms. He’s basically saying that he faced no real consequence for what he did other than getting a short prison sentence. Maybe these nightmares go back to personal issues I have. I sometimes feel like my family might stick by his side instead of mines when he’s released. I’m not sure why I believe this but it’s just something that scares me, and that fear has turned into a reoccurring nightmare. In those nightmares, I ALWAYS have a panic attack. I’m always crying and having a hard time breathing. I just hope when he’s released from prison I don’t EVER have to see his face again.

I was assaulted by someone who I had considered a friend that took advantage of me when I was going through a really hard time processing childhood trauma. This happened 8 months ago and at first I didn’t realize it was assault and me & him were cool and our friends knew we hooked up. As time has passed & unfortunately after a traumatic gyno appointment, I realized that what happened between us was assault. I slowly starting distancing myself from him and eventually told one of our friends who I could trust to not tell people. Lately I’ve been feeling like I need to tell my close friends in the group what happened and maybe even talk to him. He doesn’t know I feel this way and hasn’t asked me why I’ve been so distant over the past few months. I don’t think he has any idea that what he did was wrong. I’m just tired of leaving social things/avoiding events because he’s there. I’m also scared of their reactions. what if I tell them and they still hang out with him. What if no one believes me? What if someone freaks out on him?

with the diddy stuff and the french woman that was drugged and raped more than 50 times it’s all over the news and on social media. it’s so triggering, i don’t know how to cope with it. it’s making me have flashbacks. anyone else?

(TW POSSIBLE SA AND SUCH)

Did any of you ever realize that something you experienced, or a string of experiences, was actually pretty traumatizing and still affects you? For me, I'm realizing just how mistreated I was by men.

For context, I am asexual. I have been for as long as I can remember. The way men have coerced me into doing things, I now see, was fucked up. They always told me to "just do it" or "just put out" when I told them clearly and repeatedly that I wasn't into doing it. One of my exes threw a tantrum when I explained that I was ace, saying "oh so you just think I'm ugly then", that sort of thing. He stayed visible angry at me until I rescinded my coming out to him. So.

Here's the triggering stuff, sorry. >!This same ex made the fact that sex was really painful for me, that it DREW SERIOUS BLOOD, was *my fault*, and said that I just needed to relax and just stop caring. !<>!He also suggested I get unsober as much as possible so I could "handle" the things he wanted to do. He was delighted to learn that weed made me "easier" and that I could forget the pain a bit more. Another ex literally cried and yelled for me to "just fuck", that "all I needed to do was lay down and take it". He pressured me to lose my virginity at 16. I don't really remember the experience, I blocked most of it out I think.!<

!Was any of this assault if I eventually said yes? Believe me, I said no clearly to these men for MONTHS, and they still persisted until I said "fine". I even literally said "sure" to them a lot and they somehow took that as me totally being just as interested as they were, even though I had expressed all of these negative feelings listed above. I could not have been more clear that I was not interested in sex.!<

I'm so tired. Is my asexuality just a trauma response? I don't even know anymore.

Okay so years ago I went on a dinner date with a guy. Went good enough for a 2nd date. He invited me over and cooked dinner. He then invited me to his room and I agreed. We hadn’t even kissed at this point so I wasn’t thinking it would go too far.

We were kissing and he asked to give me oral and I was like well sure — generous offer. After a few minutes of that he unexpectedly got on top of me and penetrated me without a condom. I was shocked but after a few seconds said no and asked him to get off. He stopped. Then I started crying and left. He was like “omg I’m so sorry please don’t hate me” etc. I really didn’t want to have sex with him, but then felt gross that I was okay with accepting oral and misled him.

I ended up seeing him again and slept with him but only bc I felt bad about the incident before and didn’t want him to think he raped me. Idk. I cut things off with him soon after.

Now that it’s 10 years later I’m trying to assess certain experiences and be objective about what happened. I regret all parts of it, but don’t have ptsd symptoms. But I think that’s bc this is not the worst that’s happened to me. What are your thoughts?

Basically he used to physically abuse everyone in my house, but one day he was naked in a bath and asked me to bring him a towel as he forgot, I did this and when I came in he asked me to come in and said "You need a bath later, how about you get in with me? " (we were home alone). I said "Okay." Not knowing any better. When I got in there, he basically started touching my legs, and then moved it up to my thigh, and eventually my penis, and made me do the same to him. This happened again a few weeks later. He also ended up doing it when we weren't in the bath randomly slapping my ass, groping me, etc. He doesn't live with us anymore, he lives far away now, I went on his Facebook and saw his new gf and told her everything so I could save her, she said thanks and left him.

As far back as I can remember my brother has been one of my best friends.

3 years older than me. I'm in my mid 40s now.

He still is. To this day.

But sometimes when I'm alone in my thoughts I get caught up in uncomfortable memories so I take meds and/or drink so I sleep and tomorrow is a new day.

So I do remember, vividly, when I was around 11-above. I would occasionally wake to the sound of either someone outside my bedroom door, or the sound of my bedroom door handle turning.

I knew what it was then, but didn't want to accept it.

I figured it was a case of boys growing up, curious about sexuality etc.

I remember on occasion saying "XXXX go away", and they did. It never became a thing. Other than me saying that and them complying.

Fast forward to our parents divorcing, and me and my various siblings had to choose who to live with.

The person in question chose to live with my dad (by now we were 14 and 16).

I stayed with Dad twice a week, but he had a house with only 2 bedrooms my options were stay in room with brother (on a separate bed) or in the living room (on a fold out bed).

I remember at first staying with bro, but I also remember feeling uncomfortable about it.

I also remember occasions where I would wake up feel the duvet being moved. Sometimes I would ignore it and pretend to be asleep but I also remember sometimes challenging it asking "what are you doing?". The reply was often "you were crying out in your sleep" "I was making sure you were okay" etc.

I also remember then deciding to stay downstairs on the pull out sofa after that and being uncomfortable in explaining why.

However, we grew and remain very close.

As adults, however, I remember something more worrying. I remember on a night out (different city),I was maybe 20. I was staying at his and went home early because I was tired. It was a tiny apartment with only one bedroom so I was sleeping in his bed.

I remember wakening up at one point to him cuddling which was fine, as I had been upset and we were close. but I do also remember him being "overly friendly"eventually I pretended I needed to pee.

And I remember having to button up my trousers.

I don't think anything happened other than them being unbuttoned.

It was never spoken about.

This was years ago.

We are good friends now. Legit my best friend. Introduced me to my husband.

I'm loathe to ever talk about those early years, because they were so long ago, it was children learning right?

I don't want to cause a fuss over nothing.

But it's been 20 years or something, and I still think about it. I dunno what I'm hoping for from this post. I dunno. Just venting

I was SAd when I was 15, I am now 2 years older and I still think about it. I have a boyfriend also. The guy who SAd me fingers me even tho I said I didn’t want to do anything that that but when he fingered me I didn’t say no, I didn’t say stop. I had a hard time believing it was SA but from what I’ve hear from Reddit it was SA. I tho k about it so much, it also happened in my bed that I still sleep on, I get flashbacks when I try to sleep and then ends up laying there, crying and saying to myself (don’t touch me) as if that it going to help. I am so tired of it. Idk what to do. How do I stop this?

tw: possible CSA So i have this distinct memory of being like 5/6 and of my uncle pinning me down on a table and stripping me and saying sexual things to me in front of my cousin and my dad. I actually don’t really remember if he touched me, it’s all confused. They all thought it was a joke, but it felt really horrible to me. He also used to pull down my panties sometimes and say i was a whore because you couldn’t see my tan line.

live with my mom and sisters and since i was kid, my mom never cared about us. She would have sex in front of us and she would watch porn in the same room with us. I remember when i was a kid at the middle of the night my older cousin started touching my penis and started masturbating me. i didnt do anything because i didnt understand what was going on and i thought it was normal. I also remember some of my mom’s friends abusing my sister and i was just a kid and i didnt understand what was happening. i still blame myself for that. I could tell much more stories. it was just a vent, i just needed to get out this things off my chest

I have been doing a lot of therapy and now these memories keep popping into my head that give me a panic attack at night. And I don’t know what to do.

One of them is that he had me, my sister, and my cousin all in the back of his car (I think it was the hearse because I don’t remember seatbelts). It was night time, as usual. And we’re leaving my grandmas house, and he asks us if we want a mint. I didn’t know what Altoids were supposed to taste like, but what he gave us wasn’t minty. I remember passing them to my sister, and as I put it in my mouth I had this instant realization that I fucked up. I remember forcing myself to look out the window instead of looking at my cousin to see if she took one too (her dad was my uncle, I can’t imagine what he did to her).. because I instinctively knew she wouldn’t. And I don’t remember anything after that.

I remember him taking us to the movies, months after the movies would come out so it was basically empty, and then when my grandma would ask how the movie was, I was too embarrassed to tell her I didn’t remember any of it, so I would just shrug. And I remember her one time saying “You have to be back in 3 hours,” and when we were gone for way longer she would just scold him and he’d shrug his shoulders.

The grossest one was when it was just me and my sister once, and I don’t know where we were going but I was leaning forward in the back seat to look out the front, and he snapped at me to sit back. I remember thinking it was weird he cared that we were sitting forward when he didn’t care about seat belts. He said we had to make a stop at his friends place and I remember looking at him in the rear view mirror and he had this disgusting grin of like - he was just so damn pleased with himself - that scared and confused me. And I don’t remember much after pulling into someone’s driveway.

How do I get these memories back? It’s my dad’s brother so if I get hypnosis I’m not sure my dad will believe me. He’s already mad that I don’t like his brother. Even though the allegations that he abused his own daughter for years are not a secret, we all pretend like we don’t know, because my dad says unless you have proof, it’s just an allegation that can ruin someone’s life.

For the record, this was when we were young. We started going to my grandparents in the summer for a week or two to give my parents a break. But then we were a lot for my grandparents so my uncle would “kindly” offer to take us somewhere for the afternoon/evening. I think it started when my sister was 5ish and maybe didn’t stop till I was 12-14 or so? We are 2 years apart.

Disclaimer: throwaway account for fear this gets linked to me.