Can a 14 year old , that was recently abused in their parent care choose where he wants to reside. Currently have the school the child attends was notified, which they notified the agency of children of youth, but I'm not getting a clear view on what will happen. Or if the child will have any say in the end.

Super hurt. I am so mad at her. She knows how important this is to me. Her trauma has kicked the shit out of me the last 5 years. I constantly give 150 % and try and understand her trauma. I was reading books and listening to them on tape. I was listening to a book on tape and I had a flashback. I realized that I was abused as a kid too. I know its not a dick measuring competition but her trauma/abuse was worse than mine. So I didn't skip a beat or ask for help. I continued to pour into her. Her therapist is older and my wife claims she doesn't do online meetings. So when my wife was missing some we had a discussion about how important it was to me that she continues to go and maybe she should find a new person. She insisted it was important to her and she wouldn't miss more. Today I found out she skipped therapy again. I'm so mad, sad, hurt, and disappointed. I love her so much. It just doesn't feel like she loves me back or care when she does stuff like this. Am I overreacting? She didn't have a good excuse for missing it.

Hello everyone. This is heavy and can only be told comfortably using fake names. If you have time to read I am thankful. I apologize for it being long but I have to see if someone out there understands me:

Anna and Maria are sisters . They are 6 years apart. They have different dads. Anna never met her dad. Annas mom dates a man and they have Maria 38 years ago.

Childhood was not easy. Culturally … being hit is expected so Maria gets hit growing up. Not often but does. Anna did once too. But Mom was mad at Marias Dad for that and he never did it again since she isnt his kid. Their mom was the breadwinner. Maria’s Dad grew up in his country but with shitty childhood and poverty and with abusive stepmother but unsure the extent of abuse. Possibly physical and definitely emotional.

Marias Dad and Anna and Marias Mom separated in the 90s. However Marias Mom legally married him even during separation because she loved him and also wanted to make sure Maria had her Dad in the United States (esp since Mom had alot of health problems who would Maria go too if/when she passed?

Dad moved on to a new gf after separation. Mom was heartbroken but she dealed.

Anna was and has always been very independent. She was rebellious with mom and left to have her own place at 18. Anna dated somebody and had a baby at 21. Anna and Marias Dad never got along growing up. Understandable. Shes not his kid and that seems to be common at least among ppl. Ppl I knew at least. Also he was a drunk asshole with a temper. Dad however was kind still to Anna when she was having a baby and attended baby shower, gave money, bdays and such. They were cordial.

Years pass by. Mom was sick and in a long term care home. Anna lived with her boyfriend and baby. Maria lived with Dad and his gf and her daughter of similar age to Maria. It was difficult cuz new gf was a mean woman at the time who Dad always sided with. Dad still very loving but strict. Got hit a few times in high school esp for coming home late. Dad Very supportive to maria with needs, school tuition, despite not making alot of money, and friends and boyfriends throughout. Maria can go to Dad with problems in life at the time. Anna had alot of rebellious times, but expected because she also hungout with random people Both Anna and Dad never tried to pit Maria against the other but whenever Anna did something messed up (with money) or Dad did something messed up (also with money) or any other thing, they complained to Maria (Your sister this, your Dad that)

Mom dies 7 years later after the stroke that put her in care home

Anna always would tell Maria how much she cant stand her dad back then. It made Maria feel bad but at same time its understood because he was mean and always drinking. Later on however when mom dies Dad was helpful to Anna and Maria l, helped pay funeral etc. Anna and Maria closer even if age is different. (Anna used to bully and pick on Maria when were kids and Maria would also fight back with words) Anna got married to someone else years later and had two other kids.

One day a year after mother passed or so. Anna is drunk and says me and your dad had issue way back or go way back something like that but couldnt say what it was. Maria did not push to ask even tho she had a feeling. Anna never called Marias dad “Dad” ever but when it came to our family meeting or having get together with her husbands family she referred to him as Dad. Everyone got along. Sometimes Maria thought it was for her sake.

Maria and Dad would have arguements to the point Maria moved in with Anna. Maria and Dad got along better after not living together because of his strict rules.

2011 Maria and Dad stop talking. Part of it is because of some dispute over a car Anna lent Dad when his current one was in the shop and other random money issues, and Maria did not want Dad and her to fight. Maria was mad that Dad did not come to baby shower of Anna’s second baby. Maria wanted Dad there because Maria didnt always like Anna’s husbands family and friends because they seemed kind of stuck up and Maria felt at least her and Dad would be Anna’s actually family there. Dad declined due to whatever dispute her an Anna had about car, credit, money. Anna was possibly hurt. Maria sided with Anna on this as it was messed up.

2016 or 2017 the earlier revelation Anna once drunkly almost told Maria was briefly asked about. The admittance was touching Anna in the nighttime on a vacation once when Maria was a baby but that was about it. Nothing like sex or anything but still touching and stuff but who of course knows because at the end of the day if there probably was anything else she is not gonna tell Maria so as not to make her feel sad. Anna did not cry when saying it thankfully. Spoke about it to Maria in a calm way. Maria although shocked but also expected from the first hint years ago def believed it and figured it was that. Maria Asked Anna if Maria still ended up loving her Dad would Anna hate Maria. Anna says no of course not that is your Dad. Anna also said it prolly def did not happen to Maria since Maria is Dads own kid. Its awkward so they didnt talk much of it anymore esp since Maria thought they will never reconcile ever again as they haven’t spoken in years. It was hard to ask why didnt Anna tell their Mom but it was probably to scary or confusing to tell (I have read about why children hide it)

Through the years Maria misses Dad and he misses her.

2023 Maria and her Dad reconcile with help of his gf (now wife) and her daughter. They reached out because Dad really misses Maria. Also Anna wanted Maria to reconcile with her father because Anna worries about Marias mental health and depression and because both are not getting any younger. Beautiful reunion and alot of tears. Anna also reconciles with Dad. Her and family even take him out for his bday etc (Anna never told anyone the secret not even her ex husband) . Anna talks to Marias dad but only on occasion to ask a question and I believe they spoke and he said to her he was happy for all of us to be together again. Also went on a vacation together 2024. Annas family. Marias friends. All the kids, and Dad and his gf (now wife). (now in their 70s) Maria was so happy to be all together.

For whatever reason that Maria cant understand she never thought about what he did the time Anna revealed to her as it seemed Anna seemed so past it. Also Dad admitted to Maria in the past the bad stuff he did as a teen and in his young life, (drinking, cocaine, hanging with bad guys etc. ) However something triggered Maria nowadays unsure why and Maria just doesnt have the strength to talk to anyone about it. Not to Anna as awkward and dont feel its right to bring up an old battle. Not Dad because he isnt likely going to admit it and or if he was drunk or high might not remember it plus Maria finally has family together and doesnt want to lose that as it was enough losing the one person in her life that never did her wrong - her Mom. The only person Maria can talk to is her therapist, psychiatrist, best friend met later in life who knows the story (and finally met Marias Dad and thinks he’s a kind and cool guy) and she feels it could be a bygones thing because she knows a similar story about a family friends dad. Maria’s college best friend also knows because college best friend’s sister went through it too. They are a different culture as well and it appears their Dad is a complete asshole til this day but he is still in college friends life because, culturally and all.. the importance of family and marriage but college friends parents def not have been together.

The question here is….Is Maria still an awful person for loving and being with her Dad. Maria for some reason is triggered out of nowhere about it and is feeling anxiety and guilt. Maria loves her Dad so much ( And no thank God it did not happen to Maria) Should Maria feel guilt and awful person despite Anna having moved past it along tine ago. Anna has been through alot with relationships and friendships and for whatever reason came out strong. Never had grudges with assholes or fake friends that wronged her. Never dwells. Nicest person to everyone but if course she can be mean at times because thats who she is and usually feels she is always right. Great sis but however very difficult to share emotions between us because doesnt always understand Marias way of dealing with depression the way Marias friends do.

I am Maria. I do know two diff families that went through this sort of thing (one did it to someone as a teen) but nothing is helping me and it doesnt help that I have OCD. I feel alone and scared and that I should hate myself and deserve the worst but I cannot stop ever loving my Dad despite all the crap we went through as kid he was still always the most supportive and loving Dad. Please refrain from being judgmental and mean. I just need to tell someone and need someone to put myself in their shoes if it was someone they loved. I would give anything to not feel so sad and confused like this. I feel haunted by it everyday and I dont know why i’m haunted this time around when I should have been haunted by it when I learned and I just feel so depressed, no appetite but trying to be strong at work and because of holidays being around them and my friends etc. I hate how I feel.

Thank you for reading.

Me and me I guess ex girlfriend of 3 1/2 years had what i consider to be a very healthy and great relationship we had a kinda rough start, but pretty much everything else was great. She was semi recently raped around 3 ish weeks ago and I’ve been trying to be supportive of her in every way I can while letting her have space. I’ve brought her favorite drinks/ food done whatever she wants to do I didn’t ask her to come over except for a pre planned thanksgiving dinner. The last week she basically completely shoved me aside and would only talk to her friends I asked her about it we had a long talk basically she felt guilty for what happened and didn’t want to talk to me. She then said she wanted a break from us and to heal I reluctantly agreed but not much I can do about it. Today she made plans with some guy coworkers and one of her girl bsf to get gifts for some work Christmas party? I got upset about that which I regret and did lose my cool on her about how she can’t text me but can hang out with these random guys. I later apologized for that but ig the damage was done? We do have a trip to Colorado coming up in march she said she does still want to go on obviously it’s still up to me/family if she goes. Do I try to rekindle things there? Sooner? Never? We’d be going as friends right now. Should I do something else now? Edit She ended it idk why she just said she was “done”

I created a disposable account in the hopes to keep this as anonymous as I possibly can.

My friend and former coworker is being groomed, at best, and at worst, is being SAed by her manager. She's currently in a big city, and I'm in a small town far away, and neither of us has a vehicle or anyone to rely on...

She's described some of the things he's done. He's shown violent outbursts towards other guys who tried to befriend her or talk to her, even threatened to kill a few, forced her to clock out early, and go to a tattoo appointment he scheduled for her. He somehow got her friend to kick her out and ruined her relationship with her boyfriend. He gets her black out drunk. She's only 18, not 21! She mentioned that she woke up in a hotel room with no recollection of what happened. Her new apartment's lease is in his name. She's scared for her job and future prospects.

We both trusted this person. He seemed like a good guy, he stood up for me at work, gave his condolences for my recently deceased aunt, he recently became a father, everyone liked him... I didn't know he was a monster...

I was the one who convinced my friend to move and transfer to the city to his workplace and pursue her dreams. I did this to her... this is my fault...

I really don't know what to do... I try to reach out to her, but she doesn't respond often, and I haven't heard from her recently. I tried giving her phone numbers to resources in her city that could potentially aid in financial and housing, as well as resources meant for SA victims, but I don't know if she has called any of them. I've talked to a lawyer, but he said there was nothing that could be done...

I'm so fucking angry. At him. At myself. I thought I was helping her, not sending her to a living nightmare! The only silverlining is that he's far away from me, because if he wasn't, I'd most likely do something stupid that I could never take back and make everything worse for everyone...

She said she has a plan, it just requires her to be careful and patient. I'm scared for her...

People like him, they're not human...

5 years ago now, my girlfriend was raped. It crushed me as i had known what she experienced before this in her home. I never wanted to have her go through that again. Our relationship was not perfect, I was not perfect, but it definitely was not full of this darkness that exists. We were on and off for just a few months, she ends up with this person shortly after we took a break (in my eyes). That was consensual, when i found out i was hurt and i felt betrayed. It felt like we were doing this break to give ourselves regrouping individually during this break, not moving on. The night i found out, i left abruptly and upset.

Fast forward, I finally am able to express myself and we talk. It felt like I could move on, the love was there again. It was a misunderstanding between us. I eventually found out she confided in this person or just let them be around because i left her. This is when the assault occurred & repeatedly occurred? It broke me. This girl was the absolute love of my life. We were young, we still are young but it was the definition of true love. We were together for years, that summer was just rocky for us. It really crushed me. 5 years later it still does. I was very insecure because of the first half of the story & questioned a lot. In heated discussions, i was blamed for leaving and allowing this to happen in a sense. That stuck with me. I’ve never in my life wanted to protect someone from such evil actions in my life. She’s such a sweet, innocent human being. I glossed over it, but i remember it to this day. I know i pressed a lot in such a tough time, at first not knowing the extent of her situation, once i did i just couldn’t wrap my head around it.

We had a great relationship for a bit after, but i ended it as i couldn’t forget those things. I know she had it worse, but feeling like it was my fault made me never able to focus on our actual relationship. To this day I miss her greatly and the people we were before this happened. I learned so much from her & I always understood that it’s her story to tell when it comes to her assaults. So I’ve kept this inside for so long, i don’t have anyone to tell, no one to relate to, no one to grieve with. It ruined an amazing, innocent love. It ruined peoples lives. It ruined perceptions of humanity. I grieve for it all.

I feel like since it didn’t happen to me, i should be able to move past it. I’ve tried to shove it deep down. Be a dude and just get to the grind. Nothing fixes it. It’s revealing itself in new relationships, I can’t open up my heart to new people in a proper way. I am afraid of being that close to someone again. I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or places to speak to people. This is 5 years later, around the same time it happened. I don’t I can hold on to this anymore unfortunately. I tried for her, it’s just not doable.

...and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. It's fucking killing me inside. I respect the fact that my friend has taken all the steps she feels comfortable taking and doesn't want to go public, so obviously, it's not my place to go on some kind of crusade and try to cancel her abuser or smear their reputation.

But I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY that they got away with what they did. They faced ZERO consequences, and have never shown any remorse or even a sign that they understand that what they did was wrong. Now they show up in town and want to participate as if all is forgiven. I just need to vent about it anonymously; if anyone has any advice on how I can get over these feelings, that'll be a welcome bonus.

TLDR: A few years before covid, I went on a six-week tour as part of a trio of musicians. Part way through the tour, the drummer (F, late twenties) groped the singer (F, early twenties) while they were sharing a bed. This was completely non-consentual; the singer is straight and had a partner (now husband) back home. By the end of the tour, the singer was having panic attacks from being stuck on the road with her abuser, and ended up needing therapy and even filed a police report. (After which, the police told her there was nothing they could do. Of course.) The SA was awful enough, but the denial and attempted manipulation that followed was extremely disturbing in itself, as you'll see.

The singer didn't tell me about what happened until right at the end of the tour; all along, I had been worried about the optics of an older man (me, mid thirties at the time) being in rather intimate circumstances with two women for this period of time, ie sharing rooms, getting changed together, basically being in each others' presence almost continuously. I saw them both as the sisters I'd never had and would never, ever betray the trust they had in me, but still, I felt I had to make extra effort to show that I was worthy of that trust by behaving like more than a perfect gentleman.

(I feel the need to mention this because it helps explain why I still feel upset about the situation. I felt protective of my bandmates, especially the singer, who was quite sheltered, and something horrible happened to her that I might have been able to prevent if I had paid more attention to the signs. I can't help but feel partly responsible.)

I have to make one thing perfectly clear: the drummer is a lesbian, and that is NOT what upsets me about the situation. I'm not only an ally of LGBTQIA+ people, but have since come out as bisexual, myself. Back then, I was stoked to be working with a member of that community. Knowing that she felt safe around me was really gratifying and was a concrete demonstration of my support.

(I think this needed to be said because when I posted about this years ago, a few people accused me of homophobia, which I felt was unfair and missed the point of the story. Had the abuser been a man, my feelings would be no different, but I think the fact that she is a woman is pertinent to how the story unfolded.)

As the tour was progressing, I noticed, with some amusement, that the drummer was a bit of a womanizer, always trying to get laid at our shows. I didn't see anything wrong with it; in fact, I was happy for her at first, since I figured she knew how to "play nice" and respect consent. But as time went on, I guess she felt more emboldened by my support, and her visible behavior became more problematic. I saw her continue to chase after women who had made it pretty clear that they weren't interested. After witnessing that a number of times, I tried to gently point out that she should maybe ease off a bit before she acted even more inappropriately, but she never seemed to hear me.

One night when we were drunk and the singer had gone to bed, the drummer confided that she thought the singer might be interested in sleeping with her. I was quite confident that this wasn't the case, and I warned her not to push the singer's boundaries, or something bad would happen. I even told her that she probably shouldn't sleep alongside the singer anymore, and she flatly refused. Obviously she couldn't let go of her fantasy, and eventually proceeded to commit the act that precipitated all of this.

As we parted ways at the end of the tour, the singer called her out with me present after having privately texted me about what had happened. The drummer denied any wrongdoing and totally invalidated everything the singer said. I later tore a strip off the drummer over text, where she continued to deny any wrongdoing. I blocked her after that, but I later heard that she had moved to another country. Good riddance, I figured...

That brings us to the present day. The singer and I have remained close friends and I've tried my best to support and validate her after what she went through. She has since moved to another city, where she's doing well and is moving on with her life.

The drummer, meanwhile, has apparently made quite a name for herself in the place she moved to, which isn't surprising. The upside of what I can only describe as her sociopathic tendencies is that she is extremely charismatic, which I fear makes her all the more dangerous.

(I should mention that I have only told a few close friends, in confidence, about what happened, out of respect for the singer's desire not to go public. One friend, after hearing the story, informed me that he had worked with the drummer at a local music store some years before, and that she had once said to him, "if I was a man, I would have been 'me too'd' so many times..." Kind of paints a picture, doesn't it?)

I had hoped never to see her again, but I knew there was a chance I might run into her, since she has family here and comes back to visit from time to time. At the very least, I hoped that she would have the sense not to come to any shows I was playing, but no...

Last weekend I showed up to play at a venue with my current band, and she was there, getting friendly with a bunch of people who I know in the music community. Seeing her stirred up some really awful feelings, but I maintained my composure and did my best to just avoid her.

She obviously caught my vibe, and when we all went out to smoke after the first set, she took me aside (where no one else could hear) and gave me what sounded at first like a heartfelt apology, and I thanked her for it, but on closer inspection of her words, knowing her as well as I do, it was clear that she didn't actually feel any remorse and just wanted me to not be mad at her. She said things like, "it doesn't matter what happened... it was seven years ago... I owe you and [singer] so much for helping launch my career..." and when I replied, saying "actually yes, it does matter what happened... yes, your betrayal still hurts after all this time... I am not happy to see you... have you made any effort to change?" she didn't respond to my words AT ALL. It just went in one ear and out the other and she stuck to her internal script and acted like everything was smoothed over. She then proceeded to kiss my ass for the rest of the night, telling me and everyone what a great musician I am, basically trying to guilt and manipulate me into not being angry with her anymore, all while conveniently skipping over the necessary step of acknowledging her own garbage behavior. It made me want to vomit.

So that's it. Apparently she'll be in town for another week or so and she'll likely show up at a show I'm playing this weekend, and there isn't really anything I can do about it except avoid talking to her. It's galling and makes me feel so fucking gross.

P.S. I've talked a lot about my own feelings here, since this is the sub for secondary survivors, but I want to be clear that the most important thing to me is that the real victim, my friend, is able to move on and heal, which she is doing as best she can. Still, I think my own feelings of disgust and betrayal are valid, and I hope that I can get some closure by laying all this out.

Hi. I recently made a post lamenting how I feel that some parts of me might be permanently broken. And that might be true, though time will tell. But I also want to share something else, since I've noticed that many of the posts on here are about the immense anger secondary survivors can feel.

When I first learned about what happened it felt like the whole world was caving in on me under the force of the rage I felt. I thought it would break me. I experienced constant, intense angry ideation for multiple years. I kept working on it. I learned how to negotiate with the angry part of me, to agree on a tense truce. Then I learned how to build trust with myself to start letting in some of those feelings. I had a lot of really bad days. And I kept working on it. It isn't gone, and I still have a long way to go, but there are much fewer days now where it burns me up. It's more of an ally than an enemy now - a reminder to keep fighting the inner battles.

Talk to your anger. If you can, see a therapist. If you can't, read books about IFS, trauma, and recovery. The anger really just wants to protect you and your loved ones, even if it is not doing the right thing to achieve that. I didn't think it would ever subside, but it did. There is hope. Don't give up, keep fighting for compassion instead of violence. We can't undo the damage with any amount of violence or rage, and we can't even heal the people we love who are hurting, but we can convert this energy into something that heals, and that is 100% worth it.

Coles notes:

• my partner was abused by their narcist father physically, mentally and CSA. Mom held the line and was not there for her kids.
• mom divorced him after realizing she would not have a relationship with her grandkids if she stayed with him as my partner and siblings had gone no contact.
• over time it has become clear that my partners mother only cares for herself and is likely also a narcist(covert). As such she is incapable of taking any responsibility in my partner and her siblings fucked up lives. Worse yet she actively dismisses and minimizes their lived experiences.
• We along with my partners siblings have now gone no contact with their mother. She still sends all of us letters in mail, though we've specifically asked for that to stop. The letters say a lot without actually saying anything and could likely be used in a text book as an example of gas lighting.
• my partner came forward to her maternal grandmother as they were close, much closer than her mom and grandmother until after the divorce, as to why she was not speaking to her mother and how her mother is not a safe person in her healing journey. This was met with dismissal and defense of my partners mother.
• We've gone light contact with my partners maternal grandparents as we really don't have the time for people in our life who won't acknowledge my partners lived experience.
• Fast forward to a few weeks ago numerous members of my partners mother's family reached out within days of each other asking about x-mas (X-mas eve at her maternal grandparents is that side of the families main X-mas event). Hard not to feel there's a concerted effort happening to disregard our boundaries and likely manipulation happening from my partners mother.
• Now a couple days ago my partners maternal grandparents sent us a text. They state "How much they miss us, especially our son. X-mas is coming. Peace and unity in the family is their wish for X-mas" similar text were sent out to my partners siblings who have also gone light contact with their grandparents

Just writing that last bit out makes my blood boil and my stomach turn. We are the ones who have chosen peace by removing those who do not respect that peace from our lives. Yet it feels as though we've been scapegoated, that it's our fault there's no unity in family and we are being guilted into taking responsibility to bring peace while ignoring reality and sacrificing our own healing for the sake of a X-mas wish.

Anyone have insights on not letting this get us down? Ideas for reaffirming our boundaries and ultimately not feeling bad about going no contact, if needed, with these members of my partners families? This part feels so much more difficult as they weren't directly involved in the abuse and seemed to be caring so the cut is going to hurt more.

Right before she left me, she told me that my body feels just like that of the person who assaulted her, down to the weight and proportions. In the last months she would pull me close to her, and at the time I thought it was a sign of affection, but later realized that she was comparing the feeling and using me as a surrogate to imagine the person who traumatized her. She never told me this, but later conversations made it clear.

It's been a year of no contact and I still have nightmares about her almost every night. I know that the pain of loss will fade, but those words and actions ripped open a part of me that I don't think is ever going to heal fully. I feel like I can't trust intimacy anymore. Seeing new people feels like walking on a broken ankle. I don't know how she could have said those things to me. That she touched my body in that way without me knowing what was actually happening makes me feel disgusting and soiled and like I have the body of a monstrous person. I'm so tired of waking up from these dreams. I'm so tired of wondering if she is okay and remembering the horror of watching a loved one suffer and transform into a stranger. I'm so tired of thinking that she'll never know how badly she hurt me.

I just had to vent this to people who I know will understand some of it. I wish I could talk about this to people in my life but telling people that I know is exhausting and painful. Thanks for reading.

My 21F fiancé is a survivor of childhood Sexual Assault. I would like some advice and insight into how an individual that has lived through such a traumatic experience thinks.

To give a little back story I 22M met my fiancé almost 6 years ago in high school, after a year or so into our relationship she told me that she had been sexually assaulted by her stepfather from the time she was in second grade and unknown to me at the time she was still being raped. Her assault stopped when she was a junior in high school for what reason I do not know. I was the first one she had ever told about her abuse and I also was the one who stood up to him about it and helped her file a police report. Earlier this year he was sentenced to 15 years to life, the trial was extremely hard and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how it felt for her. She is now going to therapy once a week and has been prescribed medicine for PTSD

The reason I want advice and to understand how individuals who have experienced sexual assault think is because I am really want to be able to help her, but I also want to understand why she was hyper sexual and why she felt the need to lie to me about it for almost 6 years.

In the beginning of our relationship she also cheated on me when I was out of town with one of her exes, she was at a park with her friends when one of her exes showed up. He came over and started talking to the group and somehow he ended up grabbing her and having her sit on his lap, for years she told me that as soon as that happened she immediately stood up, but just last night we were talking and she admitted to me that she sat on his lap for probably 5-10 minutes and that he attempted to kiss her. She claims that she didn’t kiss him and that nothing else happened between them but I am having a hard time trusting her now. I also caught her in the beginning of our relationship sexting with multiple guys and I found a message between her and a different ex and she had told him “I miss you and I miss us”.

Now obviously I am heart broken because I love her to death and have done my best over the past 6 years to make sure she felt safe and loved. I don’t know if I believe her as I have lost trust for her and I wanted to ask individuals who have been through similar trauma to tell me if they believe she cheated and did more with the ex that she sat on his lap, and also why she felt the need to lie to me for so long about her hyper sexuality and I guess I would like to try and understand why SA survivors tend to be hyper sexual

Can you please help me understand these things so I can begin to understand my fiancé. All I want to do is understand why she did these things and acted that way that way I can move on, forgive her and continue to help her in her long journey of healing. Thank you

Hello,

At the beginning of the year I posted here about my gf being drugged, tied up and raped by her cousin. There is now a trial starting. I hope the bustard get what he deserves.

She was unconscious during the whole thing. When she woke up, she didn't feel like she was touched, no soreness or anything. However, there was semen found outside of her vagina and inside. We tried so hard to try and rationalize that maybe she wasn't raped... but our therapist has pretty much come out and said we need to accept the fact that she was penentrated. I don't know much about female anatomy nor about the regular sensations a woman may feel when she is penetrated. All I know is my gf is sensitive down there. We are both trying to accept this.

We have recently started a " temporary separation" between us as we have been struggling to find any normality between us. This has left me with a lot of time to think...

How does one accept the fact that another man has violated the woman they love? How do I get the images of him penetrating her (who knows where else) and just using her to his pleasure? It is absolutely destroying me and I cannot be a safe place for her while I am suffering so badly. I want us both to come out of this together but I have so many doubts.

To preface, I have permission from my partner to post about this. Posting from my alt.

A couple of weeks ago, my partner (22) got a call from his stepbrother (also 22). He confessed to him that about 7-8 years ago, he touched my partner's biological younger sibling (AFAB, 8-9 years old at the time). His stepbrother would have been 14-15. He didn't specify what exactly happened, and said it only happened one time. He was apologetic.

My partner is feeling lost, and he doesn't know what to do. I strongly believe that he needs to tell his family what happened. His parents are divorced; he and his sibling currently live with their father and stepmother. His stepbrother lives alone, hours away, so they're not in immediate contact. I think that it's important that their father knows, and their stepmother too — she looks after his sibling more than their biological mother does. Their biological mother is fairly unstable, and not really in the picture.

My partner doesn't really want to tell anybody because it's already been so long, they don't live with their stepbrother anymore, and he doesn't want to cause additional anguish for his sibling by ripping up old trauma that they might not even remember by now. My partner is incredibly torn up about it.

I'm also concerned because I don't necessarily trust that this only happened once or that it never happened / will happen again to anybody else. I don't want their stepbrother to get away with this and I really feel that their parents should know.

I'm posting to this subreddit because while I feel and care strongly on the matter, I don't have any personal experience with CSA and I'm not sure that I'm recommending the right thing to him. I would really appreciate advice from this community. Thanks to anyone who reads.

I realize everyone's reason for having to join this group varies on the relationship you have the the survivor and the timing of the abuse that occurred. For myself my wife is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse so this occurred many years ago. I hate the person that did this to her; it has shattered our family but we're currently in the process of picking up the pieces and hopefully going to hold our family together.

As a result of the trauma my wife sought comfort and release with talking to men online. She was unfaithful less than a year after my son was born and just recently a year ago. We both are going to therapy and it's been a roller coaster of emotions.

The first therapist she was seeing (who did not specialize in trauma recovering) discussed on how my wife couldn't love herself therefore it was impossible for her to love me. After months of talking with this counselor she came to the conclusion that she loved me but wasn't in love with. That the desire to be intimate with me faded. In July of this year she wanted a separation/divorce. For a week we discussed splitting assets, living arrangements, how to tell the kids and family. I leaned on friends and family that week a lot - couldn't sleep, worried, depressed, anxious. The life that I had built with the woman that I loved was crashing down around me. I was living the dream; white picket fence, good career, two kids (one boy & one girl) - it seemed I was finally in a place that I had wanted to be.

A week after proposed separating she confessed that she was still confused and that she didn't know if her feelings were a result of the trauma or not being in love. She switched therapists (one who specializes in trauma) and is currently reading "Courage to Heal" and meeting with her every other week. I'm been seeing my counselor to get advice on how to cope and process this new relationship we are creating. It's tough because I'm in this emotional purgatory of "is it the trauma or lack of romantic love" and she's figuring that out and there's nothing I can do. So our relationship has been put on hold in terms of seeing couples counseling (that was the original intent of seeing therapists to begin with) while she processes the trauma that she has been carrying around for most of her life.

My (37m) partner (27f) is a victim of SA (years before we knew each other and again a few months ago during our relationship).

The circumstances of the recent experience were very complicating but we've been working towards mending the damage done and I've been focusing on supporting her... but to the point of forgetting to look out for my own wellbeing at times, which i now recognise has put me in a difficult spot in a way.

Nowadays I get very triggered about many aspects of sex and intimacy (eg: smells, sounds, and things like seeing my partners dog's black hair all over the bed, which reminds me of the rapist, whose sweat and body i smelled on the pillow before discovering what happened). Whilst she seems comfortable and eager to resume our sex life, I tend to disassociate and have deeply disturbing experiences when being intimate. I generally can't initiate anything when sober and at if i try i try my best and ultimately have an uncomfortable experience - really unhealthy state of affairs basically.

I'm wondering if others have had similar problems and if so how you worked through them personally, what helped you overcome something like that where an unknown stranger destroyed the happiness, intimacy and sense of security you could experience with a partner you deeply love and care about. I don't want to give up but I'm starting to wonder if I can safely enter into intimacy again without damaging her or my own wellbeing.

Please be kind I'm doing my best. Last time i posted I received a bunch of abusive messages.

TLDR: partner was SA'd, our intimacy has been hugely affected, she's recovering and im struggling to overcome constant reminders and flashbacks associated with it.

I dont really know what to say for this one. I guess for some context, my partner was assaulted by their father nightly when they were very young. and later, their father sold them into some kind of trafficking ring where they were filmed, taken to hotels, forced to act with other children is these films, subjected to much more assault with multiple men, watched other children get hit with belts and at one point possibly beaten to death with chains. was definitely programmed by these people. suffered, ignored, and isolated in a rural and extremely decrepit house and little to no heat in their room for 20 years.

how. just how. how could a man be so fucking sick that he assaults his own child then rents them out to other people. I know the statistics, most assaults and trafficking happens close to home often in the family. it's just so disgusting. it's hard cause ofc with DID and programming, my partner doesn't remember all the details and has only started to remember much recently. so we don't know where they were, any other kids names or the names of the adults running the ring. but we do know his dad. I know where that worthless skinny old man lives. I hope that someday we'll have enough for a case and the FBI will turn the decrepit home upside down and everyone in the area will know how bad that man is. how he lies and lied for years. I hope I can see his life ruined.

edit: just fixed some typos and clarified a couple lines.

Hello! I am a survivor myself and I’m entering into a new relationship. This person is very kind, caring, and considerate. We have only been intimate once and I was not triggered but I do have a lot of shame coming up after. I want to share my story with this new partner because I have struggled with flashbacks during intimacy before.

I have never shared my story with a partner proactively. I shared my story with a previous partner because they witnessed a flashback moment. I want to take care of myself and my new partner so I want to be intentional.

Ultimately, I know it’s my story to share and there’s no “right” or “wrong” way. But I want to be mindful of my new partner SO

Secondary survivors - how did your survivor share their story with you? When did they share? How do you WISH they would have shared it?

My bf (M29) and I (F23) have been together for about a year and a half. We've been long distance for a little over a month because he's abroad visiting family.

He messaged me and told me that his minor cousin (F12) touched him and finished him off while he was sleeping. He woke up in the middle of it but was afraid so he pretended he was asleep until she left. He said he enjoyed it in the moment but he felt so wrong and helpless. I told him his feelings were valid and he didn't have to tell his family if he didn't want to. I wanted him to know that regardless of what he did or didn't do in the moment, it wasn't his fault. However, the part where he said he enjoyed it, really hurt for me to read. I know physical stimulation doesn't mean emotional pleasure but that was like a punch in the gut. And then he asked me to dirty talk about the situation because it would help him work through it. This hurt even more. I told him I felt wrong doing that but he begged me saying he needed it.

That's when I questioned if all of this was real. I know that's a shitty thing to ask a SA victim, but I couldn't fathom him wanting to relive that?? I apologized, I knew I was in the wrong for saying it. And so I went through with the dirty talk over messages, but I was sobbing the whole time. I was heartbroken that he wanted me to sexually arouse him about the very thing that violated him (his 12 year old cousin). I don't know if that's selfish of me. I don't know how to help him process his emotions and I don't know how to navigate my own.

I guess what I'm looking for is some guidance on what to do as his girlfriend. Maybe what do I do in general? But also I would appreciate some insight that would help me understand why he requested that.

My(M) friend(F) got SA'd (R'd) by a man a few months ago. She told me about it the day it happened, I believed her and listened to her. And made it clear that it wasn't her fault. We talked about it a few times soon after that too.

The thing is, it does not come up anymore, and I am wondering if I should bring it up. Like, ask how she's doing. Recently, we've been hanging out and having fun but I can help but feel like we are acting like nothing happened. Should I just go on like that and wait for her to bring it up as feelings arise? Or should I check in?

It doesn't help that I feel partially guilty because I encouraged her to see the guy, since they hit it off, and she seemed into him, but that's another topic I think.

This story is a long one.

I had known J (The Rapist) for 20 years when the allegations started, we had been friends since primary school. I was drawn to his humour, the way in which he flaunted authority and above all else what I thought was his loyalty. In that time we had fallen out a lot, namely around the fact that as young teenagers he attempted to fit in with a more popular crowd by denegrating me and others, it took for me to break his nose to get through to him that I wasn't going to let him push me around. After this he stopped trying to be dominant, and we began to be true friends. We lived in a small town on the edge of a vast countryside and I have many happy memories of us walking all day to random sites with no meaning to anyone, just the thrill of exploration and to enjoy the chaos of nature. He was always provocative with people we met around the town, a natural wind up. Watching him get into fights with people over the most stupid shit made us all laugh more than anything. We played games like " brick in the dark" where a small group of us would gather in the park at night and throw a brick in the air and the first person to move was chicken. We would break into industrial sites for the thrill of the chase when the security guards would come after us.

It was wild and exciting,, there was a degree to which all of us were trying to get away from something at home, we would spend inordinate amounts of time out of the house, sneaking out after our parents had gone to sleep, much preferring the company of each other to that of our families. In our time we shared our deep feelings, another friends Dad passed away and we helped him deal with his grief, distracted him with complete sympathy. We talked about girl trouble, and issues with jealousy and possessiveness that teenage boys have to come to terms with. He had a streak of mysogny I tried to chastise out of him, I would often say "Women are a lot like us, give them the respect they deserve" and "don't be a pig". We went our separate ways when we were 16, I went to an academic college while he went to the world of work. When I broke up with my first proper girlfriend he stood by me as bitterness ensued in our friendship group. We shared our first hand experiences of domestic violence, got drunk for the first time together and got high a lot in those few years before I moved away from that town to go to University.

Even while I was away, we kept in touch everyday. Speaking on the phone, playing games online, being nostalgic about our tear away past. I would see him when I visited home, but as we grew older this became less and less as I settled into a new life 4 hours away. We both got busy working, having serious relationships. He started to spiral pretty soon after I left... He told me he had shared nudes of his girlfriend online and I was furious. I told him it was a horrible thing to do to a person who meant so much to him, that it was scummy, criminal and stupid. he seemed to acknowledge it, he would ring me in tears saying he'd blown his life up and she was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he even threatened suicide more than once. I tried to console him with promise of fresh starts and moving on, finding purpose. But he seemed to internalise the guilt. He fell into drugs in a bad way, went through jobs never lasting more than a year in any role and I stood by him, offering advice and support trying to be a good friend at a distance. I knew I was getting into a profession, and had to put him behind me to some extent but always kept being pulled back by our common history and love of rebellion.

In 2020, he came up to visit me for the last time, he seemed more stable than he had been, had a job, his own place and told me about a girl who he was friendly with and wanted to get into a relationship with, she had a kid and was a stable person who got him. He had aspirations of being a father with her. A few months later J rang me in a panic, crying "She's saying I raped her, why would I do that? Why would I do that and take her kid to school?" I asked him what happened, he said they'd been drinking and he and a pal had gone back to her place, the pal left and she carried on drinking but he wasn't (he had stopped drinking alcohol a few years before, preferring to smoke instead) and then they had sex. Already for me there were holes in the story, and I told him so, as he'd told me that it hadn't progressed the way he wanted to, why did it happen when she was so drunk? When the kid was upstairs? I tried to calm him down but also told him I didn't like the sound of it and left it at that. I cut regular contact at that point, and was dismissive of his messages. The allegations against him gathered strength and my Mother asked me about the incident having heard about it from one of the victims friends. And then came the killer blow, my younger sister told me that he had sexually assaulted her 3 years before when she was 16. I called him, asked him straight about that and the other lady the first words that came out of his mouth were "she's lying!" Why would she lie? Why would she do that to me and to him, who she had known for as long as she could remember? It then became apparent that there was no remorse in him, no care for our friendship, for the years of loyalty I had shown him. He was a predator, a predator I had invited into my house and who abused my trust.

Last week, he was convicted of the rape and sentenced to 7 years and 8 months. It took 3 years to get the conviction, he's got nothing for what he did to his ex or to my sister. At first I was elated that he was convicted, that maybe this was the start of forgetting about the whole rotten business. But now I feel great sadness, that a part of my childhood that I treasured has been tainted by what he did. Guilt, that I didn't listen to the red flags I now can see so clearly and that my ignorance led to him damaging my family. I wonder if I knew he was capable of it or not. I'm conflicted about my identity in relation to his.

What does it say about me that I could be friends with someone who could do something so heinous?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for around three months. Seriously talking for around eight. A few nights ago we were going through each other’s camera rolls and I saw screenshots of texts he had with other girls from when we were seriously talking (about 2-3 months into knowing each other, knowing how we felt about each other, and told each other that we were only talking to one another). The first girl was a friend he knew online that he flirted with casually from time to time (saying things like she’s “so hot in photos” and sexual jokes about each other). The second girl is one he has known for over two years, they met, were friends and then more than friends (sexually, never dated), and then she began stalking him and continued to send him things after he repeatedly ended things with her, and then he blocked her. He only unblocked her a few months later when she had harassed his friends and family continuously. Ashamed of the sexual abuse he had faced and unable to tell it to his friends, he unblocked and began doing what she wanted, albeit not often and not responding to her other messages, only every few days/weeks. The last time he took part in the sexual conversations and videos she would send him was about three months into us talking. He has since blocked her on all platforms and has not heard from her since.

When I saw these texts, from both girls, I was heartbroken and disgusted. He says they meant nothing to him, one just being casual banter and that he didn’t know any better, and the other being sexual abuse that he didn’t know how to end. Moreover, he says that he was finally able to end the abuse because he met me and I showed him how much better life and the person you love can be (he claims to have been in love with me back then). As for the second girl, he said he didn’t know the boundaries of our relationship and didn’t know he was overstepping, and that he would do nothing to hurt me.

I do believe him, I know he loves me, and I don’t believe he would do this again. That said, we both knew we were serious about each other at the time, he believes that he loved me back then, and I am incredibly hurt by everything. Moreover, the story of his abuse makes things all the more complicated. We love each other, he has begged for forgiveness and I know how much losing me would hurt him, and myself. That said, my self confidence is ruined, I am so mad, ashamed for staying with someone who I do believe cheated on me, and I don’t know how to get past the anger I have for him. Please help, all advice and comments are appreciated.

**TW: S/A

Some background- I'm a 31f and I feel betrayed by my mom (65f) and dad (63m). I have chronic anxiety, C-PTSD, major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. I was originally put on an SSRI (Paxil) when I was 10 for anxiety/depression and panic attacks. We didn't know the root of my anxiety at the time.

**I remembered I got molested from ages 9-11 by my best friend's dad when I was around 21. After remembering, I lost it. I became suicidal, it triggered my bipolar tendencies, it was bad. My mom (65f) convinced me to break up with my bf (same man I'm seeing now; 32m) and move down to Florida to get some "help". I went to the psych ward a few times because of them but they didn't help. They actually kicked me out because "I got a staph infection"...

ACTUALLY, NO! My cousin raped me in my sleep shortly after moving down there. I had my sleep apnea face mask on and everything. I couldn't consent. That's rape, right? Every time I bring up the fact that they still talk to and hang out with him they gets really defensive. My mom blames me for what happened because "I should've known better than to spend the night" and "he's a grown man".

She blamed my illness and said drugs may have been involved. I DON'T EVEN DRINK ffs!

I wanted to go to the cops. My rents wouldn't let me. After me making that threat I was no longer allowed at family functions. My dad even forbid me from going to my grandmother's funeral 😔 I eventually got worse and worse. I was always in hysterics; constantly crying, suicidal. I would call my mom when that happened because, well, she's my mom. One day she said to me, "I went to the doctor and he said if I keep talking to you like this I'm going to have a heart attack and die and I'm not willing to die for you." So, I backed waaaaaay off. Eventually, being unmedicated was too much for me and I couldn't work. I got evicted. I HAD TO SLEEP IN MY CAR! SO DANGEROUS FOR A WOMAN IN FLORIDA! THEY DIDN'T CARE! *It's important to note that they have an excess amount of cash too.

Then, I had to move in with an autistic man with mental illnesses who forced me to do sexual stuff for my medications. I couldn't take it anymore and caved, called my parents and asked if they could put me up in a hotel. I just filed charges for sexual battery and had nowhere to go. I was surprised that they gave me any money at all. They were convinced I was on drugs and basically disowned me for a few years. I wasn't on drugs. I was undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. How do I express how betrayed I feel by them without being accusatory?

Honestly though, at this point, I've given up hope of them ever admitting/taking any responsibility. My final question would be: did I deserve this kind of treatment? I couldn't help my mental break. Was I THAT hard to deal with or do they just not love me unconditionally? I feel like they abandoned me and are choosing my abuser over me. How do I go on in this relationship?

I (28m) have been with my partner (26f) for just over 4 years. I started posting here about a year in. It’s dawned on me in the last few weeks that it’s not going to get better. It’s nobody’s fault really, she’s traumatised from violation that happened to her in the past before me and she can’t get over them. I still love her, I just know it can’t realistically work with zero sex life, I’m only 28 and I’ve spent my mid 20’s border line celibate, and resentment and bitterness will eventually creep in. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to break up with her. She will know exactly why, and she will feel that the person that raped her is still having control over her life, relationships and happiness today. I know this will crush her and potentially even destroy all her progress in therapy. On top of this I’ve never had to break up with someone I still love. Life sucks sometimes.

In shadows cast by wounds you keep,
I hold you close while demons creep.
A storm within, you scream and cry,
I brace myself and wonder why.

Your heart, it breaks, a fractured shore,
with waves that crash forevermore.
I want to soothe, to be your light,
but lose myself in endless night.

You rage, you fall, you push, you pull,
and leave me feeling half, not whole.
Yet still I stand through darkened air,
though heavy grows the love we share.

I drift at times to find my peace,
a fleeting breath, a small release.
But back I come, despite the toll,
for love has carved you on my soul.

Through fractured glass, I see you clear,
a soul that shines through hurt and fear.
And though I’m worn, bruised by the tide,
I’ll hold your hand and stay beside.

-Anonymous Secondary Survivor

I (M30s) have a friend (F40s) who I have known for 8 years. She's very nice and a genuinely wonderful person, but I noticed she seems to always have a wall up when it comes to emotions. She doesn't really share how she feels, and just always seems a bit closed off or guarded. At first I thought I might have done something wrong or maybe offended her, but I eventually just sort of realized that's who she is and accepted it.

Recently she needed my help with something, and without getting into too many details a name popped up in some old records. Out of curiosity, I looked up said name online and opened Pandora's Box with a lot of horrible evidence that my friend was abused for years when she was a young teenager by this person. It honestly made me cry finding out everything she went through. I can't even imagine how she feels.

Now, I cannot stop thinking about it and it's eating me up inside knowing this horrible secret. There's a part of me that wants to offer empathy and compassion for what she went through. The other part of me realizes she has never brought it up or mentioned it to me before, and the last thing I want to do is make her relive the trauma or memories. I have decided to keep this information to myself as it's not my personal business, but it's really weighing on my mind. I'm just looking for advice on what to do or how to handle this? Is there anything I can do to be a better friend? I don't know if this is something I'll be able to forget.

TL:DR: Found out a longtime friend was abused as a young teen, friend doesn't know that I know. Having a tough time with the information. Thank you.

My best friend of eight years and I recently began exploring a deeper romantic connection. Unfortunately, I unintentionally triggered a traumatic memory from her college years, a time when she was drugged. She has since requested space, which I am fully respecting. To show her my commitment to understanding and supporting her, I am writing a handwritten letter. My goal is to convey that I am taking her needs seriously, working diligently to become a better person, and educating myself about trauma to ensure that I never put her in such a position again. I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice on the letter.

I want to start by saying how truly sorry I am for the pain I caused you. I know that no matter what my intentions were, I hurt you deeply, and for that, I take full responsibility. I understand that my actions were thoughtless, and they forced you to revisit painful memories, something I deeply regret. You deserved better than what I showed you, and I recognize how much I let you down. 

I failed to communicate clearly, did not respect your boundaries, and made you feel unsafe. I should have been more mindful and more aware of how my actions would impact you. There is no excuse for my lack of awareness. I take full responsibility for making you feel unsafe and disrespected, and I am sorry.

Since then, I have been reflecting on everything and focusing on how I can grow from this experience. I have cut out alcohol and weed, gone back to therapy, and am working through some deep-rooted issues I’ve ignored for too long—like insecurities, self-loathing, and self-destructive habits. I’ve been reading about trauma and sexual abuse and joined support groups, trying to understand the impact my actions had on you. I know I’ll never fully understand your pain, but I am committed to learning and changing because I do not ever want to let you or anyone else down in this way again.

This is not just about making amends—it is about becoming a better person. I want to be the kind of person who respects boundaries, communicates openly, and provides safety and comfort to the people I care about. I have been pushing things down for too long and it is time that I address things head on. I know I cannot undo what I have done, but I am working every day to understand your hurt and ensure that I grow from this and become someone you can trust again, if that is ever something you are open to.

I know you need space, and I completely understand that. I respect whatever time you need without question, and I am sorry it took me a while to fully grasp that. My focus right now is on becoming a better version of myself, not just for you, but for everyone in my life. I know that words alone cannot repair the damage I have caused, and my actions need to show that I am committed to real change. The work I am doing is difficult and humbling at times—facing my own issues and flaws is very uncomfortable. I’m realizing that a part of me does not know how to be exist without the chaos in my brain, almost like an emotional blanket or the buzz of a refrigerator that you get use to after a while. But I am stubborn and committed to doing the hard work and making sure my actions reflect the kind of person I want to be, the kind of person you saw me as.

You are the strongest and most resilient person I know, I am grateful you have let me in to learn that about you. Our friendship has meant the world to me. I do not have expectations of your forgiveness, but I hope, in time, you are open to seeing how seriously I have taken my actions as a wakeup call and opportunity to change. You deserve above and beyond and I hope in some capacity you are willing to let me show you that someday. 

After being with my partner for some time, they revealed to me that they had been sexually assaulted in the distant past. I have dealt with some “smaller” traumas, like being groomed or being coerced into sex, but not a violent experience such as this one. I knew that violent and forceful sexual assault happens, but I had never met someone who had experienced it, let alone someone I’m this close to. Rape has always been my biggest fear, even though it’s never happened to me. and it disgusts me more than almost any other act. Yes, murder and stuff like that is horrible, but nothing turns my stomach like rape does. My partner has come to terms with what happened to them long ago, and it rarely comes up for them. They know that learning about this has been heavy for me, and they have offered me support. But I just can’t shake the awful feelings I get thinking about what he did. It hurts me that we can’t be intimate freely, not because I feel restricted, but because my heart hurts for my partner, that they can’t be intimate with me in certain ways because it will remind them of what happened. It even has been causing me to be uncomfortable with being touched, and I often just focus on my partner when we are intimate. I’m currently in therapy and talk about this often, but I am at a loss. I find myself grieving on a regular basis over this, even falling into depressive episodes. It just makes me so sick to think about. I know this trauma was much worse for them, and that what I’m experiencing is so small compared to what they experienced. I do everything I can to support them when they do need it, but I find myself unable to cope with the secondary trauma behind closed doors. What should I do? Any advice or even just kind words is greatly appreciated.

Edit I forgot to include. I'm 38 male wife. 33 female

Things have been very difficult in our relationship for the last several years. I met my wife after she divorced her husband after the inability to work through his secretive cocaine addiction. My stepson was 16 months old at the time. Since then we have had a child together who is currently 15 months old. Out relationship was good at first, sex was good for the first year or so until things eventually fell off.

This was during covid time and since then there has been a laundry list a mile long of things getting infront of working on our relationship. Emotionally and physically. First her divorce, no alone time during covid restrictions, she had a hip surgery with a few month recovery time, pregnancy, post natal, life with young children and new baby, an insane schedule, personal struggles. I can't even unpack it all here.

She was assaulted when she was approximately 16, it started with cohesion and alot of drinking, she relented and still carries that guilt. When she opened up to her parents at the time they tried to "help", took her to the police who victim blamed her and dismissed her in a - how do you accidently put it in your mouth way. In the aftermath her story was highjacked by her mother who made several attempts on her life with this as the catylist. Her mom has a long history of mental health issues and abuse at the hands of her brother, lots of unresolved trauma. The relationship flipped and became about protecting her mother from things that became to much. She became a caretaker and emotional support for her family and younger siblings. She is totally walled off to providing any kind of emotional support now.

When our relationship started we had sex a few times a week, occasional oral sex from her, I love to go down on her which she has become more comfortable with over the years. Eventually it came out probably around a year in that the reason she doesn't like giving blowjobs because of her assault, we fell into a bit our struggles and frequency dropped off. It has become a cycle of frustration resentment and perceived rejection.

I should probably circle around to me, I have recently received an ADHD diagnosis, struggle with ups and downs of the responsibilities of the large property and house that we purchased. I expressed my concerns as I typically do and they were not acknowledged or respected. This was the house she wanted. Ive felt alot of rejection in relationships over my life right back to highschool into my adult life. I've done alot of soul searching, therapy and self discovery. First with the ADHD and some of the stuff that comes with it and then deeper into the more emotional parts of my life. I relize I have RSD from ADHD and previous life experiences. I've been pushing up against her for affirmations in all aspects of life for a long time searching for something to fill me up, make me feel desired.

This has been an ongoing back and forth, I feel undesired and rejected for quite a long time, our sex life has gaps of sometimes up to 3-6 months and typically we are on a maybe once a month frequency. She often preempts bedtime with I'm tired, I have a headache, tomorrow is such a big day, things that I feel as a preemptive rejection. I'm afraid to initiate due to the fact that I'm rejected probably 90% of the time.. I used to try and initiate maybe once a week and I just don't do it anymore, the rejection is too painful. When she does offer sex it comes with the caveat of make it quick/don't take too long and is basically just her body and my penis in the room. She doesnt give me oral sex anymore, I've had maybe 6 blowjobs from her during our relationship and 1 in the last 3 years.

Recently we watched a movie - I love you man- and there was a joke about "maybe if you gave your husband a blowjob" and I saw how uncomfortable it made her. It honestly just made me sad. We ended up talking about it later, she shared that she thought I'd be mad about it. I started thinki about my own history and wondering what it was that I get out of oral sex when I came to the realization it's about feeling desired and not in control for me. I know some people get off on the control but I've never been like that. When I get the vibe that she's not into it it turns me off. I want all I want is to feel desired.

The next day we were at our son's hockey with our toddler running around in the rink. Some man came in the door walking quickly and opened the door knocking over our toddler and then continued to run the door over top of him as I was running up yelling stop. I was only a few feet behind. I immediately saw a weird reaction of my wife was a little further away. She told me that that was her abuser and to stay away. Don't touch him. Don't talk to him. I really struggled in this. I wanted to smash his head off the wall what I think even if it wasn't her. Abuser was so upset of the ignorance of this man who just hurt my baby. The realization that this was what's going on and saying pain in my wife's eyes made it hurt so much more. Eventually when I was able to calm down I started to think why my first thought in the moment was to hurt this guy as badly as I possibly could and why my concerns were not with my wife and child. It opened my mind to the fact that what I've been asking of her to look at her trauma without taking a deep look at mine wasn't fair. I spent the next day chronologically going through my sex life looking at disappointments failures rejections. I was looking for experiences in my life that might not let me help. Help me understand your trauma and brought back some painful mappies one of which was a girl who I dated in my early twenties who had been a friend at first. She was a waitress at the bar that I frequented far too often. It was probably not the most best time in my life. She was dating. She was about 18. I was 22. She was dating an older guy when we met. Probably in his early thirties. Pretty bad news. Eventually she had broken it off with him and we started to date. We were great for each other. We were both living away from home with no family. Lonely supported each other even before we started to date. The sex was good but she always needed it to be rough. I just a loving rel that's what kind of said it off is when I tried to have romantic sex with her it would set her off it. It came out that the previous guy had raped her. She said she was too damaged for me and broke it off. The rejection came when she returned to the rapist. I havent verbalize this in a long time, maybe ever, but it was the deepest rejection I've ever felt.

I decided that these were all things that she needed to know to maybe understand my needs for operation that she typically downplays as selfish or needy. I laid it all out. Gave her my entire sexual history number of partners, ups and downs. Everything on the table. It

I feel like I can't contribute without any type of gas in the tank, whether it be sexual or in our day-to-day life. We have been participating in couples therapy. We've tried a couple and recently we've found one that seems to fit for us. Mostly about my side of stuff. Pat, some of what happened that night with her. Not much about how she's processed it since. Honestly, it was the best place I've been in years. I felt really great like we've broken through some kind of wall. Fast forward a week to our therapy appointment and I kind of laid out what was going on with the therapist. We had had a little squabble a couple days before. Pat, I'm starting to realize that we need to address the deeper issues and it's not the day-to-day annoyances that are the problem with something for her larger. I don't know if she's there yet. I told the therapist about the argument that had originally come up for us to book the appointment early and about the other things that have come up for us. Originally I had offered to let her leave. I really would have preferred Dodd that's so I didn't go to a place that was uncomfortable for her, but she kind of walled off in the situation. I thought it was all therapist should know and that we should continue to work on. The therapy got a bit heated when she was dismissive of some of these things, and then kind of walled off at the end of the session. That's when things kind of spiraled. I was upset that I was completely pouring my heart out being completely vulnerable but she was still showing no vulnerability. Sex has been a no-go to even talk about for so it seems when we circle around to it it become so painful for her that she'll spend the argument towards some hurt. Some argument that we have in 6 months or a year two years ago that seemed to be resolved. I'm not against processing all guns inside of our relationship and I've said that to her just that we need process them in an appropriate setting and that they are an ammunition for an argument. It just like fuel to the fire on her way of changing directions. As it turns out she was nauseous in our appointment and that was the reason why she walled off. She got sick on the drive home a couple times I shared that. I really wish she just would have told me where she was at and that she wasn't able to continue the session. Her concerns were with the therapist judging her for coming in sick. 3 or 4 hour days go by. Not without difficulty. Her dad took a fall that I and I had to go in the middle of the night to get him back up one night. Another night our toddler bumped his head and we spent a couple hours in the hospital. There was not a lot of time but there was some for us during this. However, we never circled around to the fox. With so many things have been left unacknowledged and undiscussed. I pushed up against her again on Sunday morning after she ignored me to read a book the night before. Honestly at this point I would be happy just to talk about sex. Not even have it in that moment. All I wanted was an assurance that we will talk about sex again that it's important. Maybe not right now but it's still a priority.

I'm not sure how long I can hang on for the sake of our children, family, etc. I love love person that she is when we're in a good place but the person she is in our bad place has become resentful mean not and outright nasty and I really struggle to be around her when she's like that. Shades of my childhood with my mother walking around the house. Pass him aggressively like a ticking time bomb. She's constantly gaslighting me about how all I do is put myself first. It's all about my needs etc etc. I get defensive and feel like I've been tricked into this relationship and then had this ex pulled away. I spent too much of my life in one friend's owner. Another many of them to be honest and feel like I've been used for emotional support too much. I'm sick of having a woman's sexuality leveraged against me for emotional support with false promises of things. Never to come. I feel like I deserve a commitment and acknowledgment that someone's need for a sexual connection and an adult relationship is valid. A commitment that our sex life has equal importance and is a thing to work on just like our emotional connection and in fact it's really really hard for me to give her that emotional connection without one.

Hello. I am a 24-year-old man, and I am reaching out to you regarding a complex situation I am experiencing with my partner, who is 29. We've been together for more than two years, but recently, she hasn’t been doing well. She feels lost and unsure about what she wants to do with her life. I suspect depression, or at the very least, a worsening of her pre-existing depression. It’s important to understand that she had a difficult childhood, marked by multiple forms of abuse, which seems to be impacting her mental state now. I mention this to provide context and help you understand this long account.

At the beginning of our relationship, my partner, whom I'll refer to as J, told me about her older brother, who had been in prison for various minor offenses. She also explained that during his time in prison, her brother had met a man, whom we’ll call A, who had greatly helped him in his personal development. According to J, A was serving a life sentence for the murder of a rival gang member. She told me that A’s best friend had been killed, and A acted out of vengeance, but over time he had become a better person in prison and had helped her brother significantly. J also explained that through her brother, she had been put in contact with A when she was younger, and they developed a platonic friendship through exchanging letters two or three times a year. At that time, I didn’t pay much attention to this, given that our relationship was still new and I wasn’t deeply in love yet. However, I do remember feeling slightly uneasy, as these were not the kinds of people I wanted to have around me. I grew up hearing, “Tell me who you befriend, and I’ll tell you who you are.”

I also later learned that J's brother had connected several inmates with her and her older sister during his stay in prison. J received multiple letters from various inmates. This discovery disgusted me, as it felt like her brother was using his sisters as some kind of currency. Later on, I would come to find out that this was a behavior he had always exhibited.

A few months later, in November or December of 2022, while I was at J’s place, I noticed a letter from the prison on her desk. My curiosity got the better of me, and I saw something that caught my eye: there were little hearts drawn over the "i"s in A's words. So, I decided to read the letter and was shocked to find that A seemed to have strong feelings for J. The letter was full of compliments about her personality and appearance, never in an inappropriate manner, but undeniably flirtatious. I confronted J about it and asked to see the other letters exchanged with A. Upon reading them, I realized that A had started off in a friendly and curious manner but had quickly shifted to being more personal and seductive. He would ask questions about her fantasies and her experiences with men, never using overtly sexual language, but clearly trying to encourage J to open up.

I asked to see J's responses. She showed me a few that she had saved in photos. I saw that she wasn’t flirting back; she was simply being polite. A was desperately trying to steer the conversation towards intimate topics, but J responded with a kind of feigned naivety. (J is a lawyer, she’s not stupid, and she fully understands the meaning of words—I feel the need to clarify that.) Here’s an example that I remember: A asked J if she had fantasies or strong feelings that pushed her to explore herself, if talking to him gave her sensations. J replied that talking to A made her feel understood and like she had a good friend. As for fantasies, she fantasized about having a farm with horses. A responded with something like, “Haha, that’s not really what I meant by fantasies. I fantasize about lying next to you and just watching you.”

I was furious. J then told me that she had recently received a new letter, the first one since we had been together. She explained that when she saw it, she got scared and didn’t know how to react, which is why she had kept it from me. She handed me the letter. In it, A expressed his hope of soon getting parole and moving close to her. He confessed that he was in love with her and asked if she felt the same way. I lost my temper. I told J that she needed to end this communication immediately, to write to A and tell him that she did not love him and could not continue this relationship, or else I would leave her. J wrote the letter and sent it, and she hasn’t heard back from A since.

J had previously confided in me that what she liked about her relationship with A was that she had no obligations towards him; he had never asked anything of her before. She could choose whether to respond or not and do as she pleased. She also told me that it made her feel good to receive attention from someone who couldn’t harm her, given that he was behind bars. Ironically, I almost felt pity for A. It seemed like J was abusing this relationship as a form of retaliation for the emotional and physical abuse she had endured from other men.

On my end, I had gotten rid of the letters by burning them. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I was angry, humiliated, and felt deeply insulted.

Moving forward to about a month ago, around September 2024. J had become more distant in our relationship and seemed sadder. She confided in me that she was experiencing flashbacks of sexual abuse from her childhood, where her brother had indirectly played a role by drugging her and offering her room to her abuser. During a conversation, while she was crying, she said something that hurt me deeply. She told me that when she looked back at all her previous relationships, she felt like every man in her life had been with her to take something from her; all of them had wanted something from her except for one person: A. I was devastated by that statement. “What about me?” I asked. J explained that at the beginning of our relationship, we were together mostly for the sex and not for love, so I too wanted something from her. I didn’t know how to respond. I was there for her, I loved her with all my heart, and yet she treated me this way.

Two weeks ago, the topic of A came up again. J was angry and blamed me for forcing her, early in our relationship, to end the sporadic correspondence between her and A. She also resented me for burning the letters. Regarding the letters, I was ready to admit my mistake—not because I believed they had any sentimental value, but because it wasn’t my place to handle her affairs. J then told me that she wanted to write to A to apologize for how things had ended and to check in on him. I was crushed. Why was she still thinking about him? I told her that I didn’t want A to have her address (since I live in the neighboring building to J).

I tried reasoning with her, but she was closed off to any discussion. She was convinced she was in the right. When I brought up the feelings A had expressed in his letters, J dismissed it, saying it had only happened once and had never been recurring, as if she had forgotten the entire content of the letters. I bitterly regretted burning them because I would have wanted to confront her with the reality and her own denial.

She also said something that really struck me: “Anyway, it’s clear that I’m going to see him in the future. He’s my brother’s friend, so if I’m with my brother and A is there, well, we’ll see each other.” To me, it seemed only reasonable and minimally respectful, given the situation, that J avoids being around her brother when A is present. Let’s not forget that this brother is the same person who repeatedly drugged J, orchestrated her assault, and mentally and emotionally abused her. I couldn’t understand how she could even imagine being near her brother, let alone with her brother and A.

Ironically, about a week later, J had her brother over at her place and joined him at a country house for a few days. When I confronted her about this inconsistency, she tried to present it as a sign of empowerment: “I was able to be around my brother despite everything he did to me because I knew he couldn’t hurt me anymore and that I could leave whenever I wanted. I took my strength, and I just enjoyed the country house and whatever he could offer me.” To me, it sounded like a well-crafted excuse to justify actions that contradicted her words.

In the end, I was the one bearing the brunt of this situation. Today, J has supposedly isolated herself from everyone, but I feel like she’s mainly isolating herself from me. I sense that she’s unhappy with her life and that she’s revisiting every event where she put others first. She seems to associate those moments with a lack of self-respect, and to compensate, she believes she must be indifferent or even disrespectful towards others. It’s as if she thinks she needs to act in a completely opposite way to avoid suffering again.

In just two weeks, the woman I loved has become a completely different person, and I don’t understand it. She refuses to be confronted, she’s closed off to any questioning, and she’s certain she’s right. As for me, I feel terrible, but I’m trying to work on myself. I’m seeing a psychologist and attending group therapy because I’m taking responsibility for my part in this situation.

Yesterday, I asked her what she wanted to work on about herself. She mentioned her “patterns” (behavioral patterns), and I expected her to talk about her anxieties, her stubborn temperament, or even her lack of discipline. But no, according to her, her biggest flaw is “always putting others before herself.” When I heard that, it felt like she saw herself as someone too good and generous, without acknowledging the real issues with her behavior.

For these reasons, I doubt she will seek professional help. She prefers to bury herself in shallow self-help readings, like Pinterest quotes or pop psychology books. I’m afraid she’ll shut down completely the moment a professional tells her that her problem isn’t being “too perfect.” I love her and want her to get better. More than anything, I want to find a way to help her see things from a different perspective. But she keeps insisting she doesn’t want therapy.

Today, we have distanced ourselves, although this distance is primarily symbolic since she remains my neighbor. Am I wrong? I know I have my own issues, my insecurities, and anger to deal with, and I’m already working on them. I see a psychologist, I participate in group therapy, but when I look at her side, I feel like I’m the only one genuinely making an effort to pull us out of this situation, while she prefers to procrastinate or simply ignore the problems.

Hello I have been dealing with ptsd from a few different things that have happened to me and I need to vent and I also need advice. Is it sexual assult if they grab you and pull you to go on top because “they want you too” or if they grab your hand and put it on their area while you’re asleep ?

I have been sexually assulted / raped a few times and is there a way or advice for stuff like this happening to stop. ?