My girlfriend was sexually assaulted when she was young and I know that she's still growing and managing that trauma, I love her so much I want to be the most supportive person i can be in her life. I cannot understate how much i love my girlfriend and how much i love everything she's done for me. We've been dating for six months and i was her first sexual partner I had one before her, but she had a boyfriend before me and this is my first relationship. Neither of us have much experience. I have a much higher drive than my girlfriend. I was wondering what I could do to make her feel more comfortable because she barely even acts like she's intimately attracted to me. She doesn't get horny or initiate physical intimacy even kissing. It just feels like she's never intimately interested in me and it's making me have bad thoughts about myself and my body image. I do not ever want her to feel pressured into having sex with me. I need some advice on how I can work through this without making her think that she's needs to start having sex with me or I'll leave or love her any less. I spoke with her about it and it didn't go well she was just very upset and broke down. But is it wrong for me to stay with her? Should I accept that we aren't compatibles and move on? I wish I had someone to talk to about this because I know it will break her heart if I bring it up as we are leaving for the summer and may not see each other much until the next semester of college.

I am 22 & a victim of sa since the age of 6-13. I been dating this guy for about 5 months now. Our first date he immediately tried to shove his hand down my pants and was doing it with such force as I pushed him. I felt completely uncomfortable and talked to him about it and he said he was just in the moment with my "beauty". We started being scared active around 3 months. Our last date about three weeks ago we were being intimate and he talked about anal I told him no multiple times loud and clear, he ignored me right after and shoved his finger down in there, I immediately pushed him off and said stop. I was not only in pain but I was scared. I lost my trust and comfort in him. I wanted to go home immediately. I was balling my eyes out and he started saying how it's all his fault and that he a bad man and how he doesn't deserve me and kept going. I haven't hanged out with him as I started getting ptsd and anxiety because of this. We're still dating and I was already starting to love him but this just feels like everything ended for me, he betrayed my trust in my opinion. He is also aware that I am a victim of SA. Please help me. I want to end this but I also feel like I might be overreacting.

Hello everyone, need your help we’ve been together na for 6 yrs. I’m working sa corporate sya naman ay wala. Pero nang sscam sya ng mga tao online . I found out na lang one time na nakita ko gcash nya anlaki ng funds saka lagi nyang sinesend sakin eh wala nmn syang trabaho. Tinatanong ko sya san galing sabi nya “nag gigig daw sya” tanong ulit ako anong klaseng gig yan sabi nya “bsta” inuulit ko sakanya ang topic pero ayaw nya umamin hanggang sa galit amp* . Dun ko lang pala nalaman na nang sscam pala sya online nung chineck ko ang phone nya habang tulog sya. Kala nya d ko malalaman na inoopen ko ang opera mini nya .Kinonfront ko sya about sa ganyan na kelangan nya na ihinto ang pang sscam nya baka makulong sya at madamay pa ako since card ko gamit nya pang withdraw. Sabi nya titigal daw sya eh habang wala ako sa bahay nila ehh tinutuloy nya!! Inaway ko talaga sya anong gagawin ko sa p4tanginang pera yan .. guys, ilang beses na kaming nag argue about sa ganito every time nawawala fb acc nya sa scam gumagawa ulit sya. Ayaw makinig saken ..gsto kong makipaghiwalay pero ang hirap madami dn kaming pinagdaanan and i know kelangan nya ako lalo nat wla syang trabaho at ako pa nagbibigay sa pamilya nya. Imagine ha, may older sibling sya na wala din trabaho .. reason out ng bf ko ang hirap dw maghanap ng trabaho.. guys pagod na ako sa mga ganyang reason. Pero bulag ako at martyr . Sabi kona lang sa sarili ko hintayin kona lang mauubos ako .

I tolerated him . Ayaw makinig at ayoko ng away saka binablock mail nya ako everytime magbreak kami. Makikipaghiwalay dw ako dahil wla na syang kwenta ganun .. Yes nakaipon sya 500k at dahil ubos na pasensya ko sakanya nag resign ako . Sige nga kung wala akong trabaho at pera tingnan natin kung tanggap paba nya ako at pamilya nya . Tingnan natin kung san hanggan ung ipon nya sa scam .. hindi ako magtatrabaho para sa kanilang buong pamilya.. Pamilya ko nga eh hindi humihingi..

Guys d ko alam kung tama ba ginagawa ko .. 6 yrs na kami road to 7 yrs. Ung bf ni hindi alam mag english kahit mag call center or service crew . Reason out nya nahihiya daw sya. I tried everything to cheer him up and to encourage him pero parang ako pa masama kung pinipilit ko sya. Pls no hate i want ur advice btw im only (‘24F’)

I’ve been hearing a lot of people talking about validation in regards to mental health & overall feeling safe when discussing difficult topics without being judged. I beg to differ.

It’s important for the person to be heard, yes, but as with everything else in life, there are limits. Can you really validate a person when they’re not acting reasonable? Can you really validate a person when they‘re mistake prone? Can you really validate a person when everything they say is wrong or worse, lies? Can you really validate a person when they refuse to acknowledge their own wrongdoing? Can you really validate a person if they’re going to misbehave? Can you validate a person when they’re not doing things the way it should be?

I say all this as a mother whose daughter went through a decade of childhood rape & while I’m proud of her for staying strong & composed in therapy & beyond, the way she acts now made her look like a child. You might say it’s from the repercussions from the rape & while it’s true, I can’t ignore her current behavior. One time, she blurted out that her father‘s a rapist (luckily he wasn’t). That isn’t venting. It’s saying things that aren’t true. She knows he isn’t & yet said it. I stepped in & told her to not say things like that again. What’s bad about her is she takes things the wrong way. She’s 27 & has every right to say & feel however she wants, yes, but someone needs to set her straight when she’s out to lunch. It isn’t venting. It’s being unreasonable. She’s also mistake prone & I had to correct her & when I do, she gets upset & defensive. There’s no nice way to go around it.

What I’m saying is while it’s important for a victim of trauma to be heard, there should be a cut off line to where we can’t validate them if they get destructive. When we validate them, it makes the victim think they get a free pass to do anything they want without knowing that their actions & trauma are hurting others. Do we really want that? When we validate them, it makes the victim think the world owes them & we have to cater our lives around them. Do we really want that? If we validate them, it makes the victim think that we’re okay with them ranting, pissing, destroying, verbally assaulting, etc. Do we really want that? Back to my daughter, I told her I felt like I had a naughty child. Trauma shouldn’t be at the forefront when confronting their behavior. There should be reason & logic. I validate her & her pain, yes, but cannot validate if she’s rebelling. Nobody should. You don’t validate a victim & just accept their word. You validate & either give advice or correct them.

My girlfriend suddenly doesn't feel like doing sex and I am okay with that. However she has been telling me she feels gross, feels disgusting, feels ugly, and I keep telling her I love her and want to support her through anything. No, I don't know what brought this on either. She shouldn't hate herself. She is wonderful.

Yesterday she said I "deserve better than her" and she wants to break up with me over the lack of sex she wants to have with me.
How do I convince her I care about her for reasons besides sex, I would be fine if sex never happened again, and I want to help her on her recovery journey anyway? I thought this relationsbip was good for her. It's as if somebody changed her medication when nobody was looking and now she's a different person. A less happy less healthy person.

Both of us are rape survivors. My mother raped me regularly during my childhood. When I became a teenager she called me disgusting and too old for her. As for her, she was raped when she was a teenager. Her first boyfriend acted nice and said all the right things until the day he raped her. She still goes to female only rape survivor meetings and lives in a house for female rape victims only. So we can only be together when she can go outside and usually she doesn't feel ready for that. Someone said I should have included this info in the original post.

tl;dr Howto help woman who hates herself?

also how do I take care of my own emotional needs? there are no therapy groups for men who were raped. I can't accompany my own girlfriend to her rape survivor group or poetry slam circlejerk because both are no men allowed zones. if I told anyone mother fucked me daily as far back as I can remember I would be blamed for it. Last time I told anyone this it was a woman and that woman called me a pervert and dumped me because she refused to believe me. that woman is not the woman I am talking about in this post, the one I want to help. I think helping her would also help me feel better about myself.

I'm a man in his 30s. I strongly believe that being a boyfriend to one rape survivor and a husband to another has changed something in my brain. I struggle to explain it even to psychologists and I believe that since I haven't been raped myself they don't take it seriously.

I think my self-esteem has worsened, my attitude to sex in general has changed(anything except the most romantic and "soft" version of sex and relationship arrangement feels somehow bad and disgusting). I feel that the world is a trully horrible and disgusting place and that most men are also disgusting and terrible. And I myself am one of them. But I also feel so weak and humiliated, but no one wants to hear it.

I believe all this shit is still affecting me years and years later. I believe I have absorbed some of my ex partner's trauma.

I have gone through multiple psychologists of multiple different approaches but I don't think they care or understand what I have to say.

I have no idea whom to turn to.

I just come to realize that ever since I was a kid I’ve been experiencing s/a from different person without me even knowing that it is not okay and I never told any single soul cause I’m afraid they’ll see me differently. And maybe it affects how I take the recent s/a I experienced from someone I know, and trusted person because he was a friend, and a relative. After it happened I don’t feel anything but pain, I tried to rationalize and make it okay cause I’m afraid to make a big deal out of it, I forgive him when he asked me to but deep inside I loathed myself cause he doesn’t deserve that. I despise him and what happened, and now every night I suffer from nightmares, I dream of horrible things that feels so surreal, I would wake up feeling what exactly I felt when it happened, scared, nervous, and shock. I don’t know where to go from here but I want to get over this, what could I possibly do? I don’t know how to process this alone.

I just want to know what advice you'd give on dating someone who's a survivor of sexual assault. A few years back, Her ex basically owned the apartment they used to share and would blackmail her into doing things with him by threatening to throw her out of the apartment or breaking her things.

I just wanted to know if there's any advice you could give to avoid triggering anything in her.

Even when we first met, she's been very open about this horrific experience with her ex. But i feel like she has a habit of "Oversharing" because of it. LIke she'll tell me practically anything, unprompted. Like how she has issues with abandonment. I'm not a professional but a lot of my friends think she might be emotionally damaged from it. She's mentioned being reclusive and dropping out of college about the same time after it happened, i can't say it's directly related but the timing matches.

I want to be a kind and respectful partner to her if we do get together.

Hey everyone,

I'm feeling really torn about a situation and I could really use some advice. I've been in a relationship with my current partner, who I'll call J, for only about a month now, and things have been going very well: it was basically love at first sight. Its just a dream.

However, my most recent ex ( A, for reference) just reached out to me to confide in me about a traumatic experience he discovered through EMDR therapy in the last months.

He's a dear friend of mine: we met in university 4 years ago, we had a relationship that lasted almost 2 years and we broke up one year ago due to some issues. anyway, we were trying to make things work once again during the past months until February, when he suddendly came to me and told me he was very confused and basically ran away.

I then decided to move on once for all and I tried to open an account on a dating app and, by my surprise, I met my current bf J.

Today I met in uni A, and we were talking about what happened because I wanted to have some closure. He opened up to me about being sexually assaulted when he was 5, and it's clear that this revelation has deeply affected him.
He also mentioned that he still has feelings for me and that he thinks I am his person, but right now he's too broken and unstable to even consider having a relationship with me, which complicates things even more.

Now, I'm struggling with whether or not I should tell my current partner about this situation. On one hand, I value honesty and openness in my relationship, and I don't want to keep anything from my partner. But on the other hand, I'm worried that telling him about my ex's trauma and lingering feelings might cause unnecessary drama or jealousy; I don't want to tell someone else about this trauma, as I am as well a sexual assault survivor and I know how much difficult is to share something like this.

I also want to be supportive of my ex during this difficult time, but I'm not sure how to navigate that without causing strain on my current relationship.

What do you think I should do? Should I tell my current partner about my ex's trauma and feelings for me, or should I keep it to myself to avoid potential complications?

Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

After my last few posts I had a chat with my partner and I made the hard decision of leaving. I understood her needs for the future she saw the family the second we got a house and me as her partner was only thinking about the struggles I was facing with intimacy in our relationship and couldn’t cope and knew it wasn’t fair on her.

For those that haven’t seen my previous posts I (26HLM) and my beautiful partner (26LLF) have been together five years and she went through SA with her past partner. That’s if you can even call that monster that. We would have gaps of intimacy of around 8-9 months but not only do we have the past trauma but also my partner has endometriosis which causes its own troubles. I kept supporting her with both these troubles and put my needs as a partner to one side but sadly around three months ago I couldn’t cope anymore and ended it.

It truly broke my heart I saw this girls as my whole life my future, I was a shell of myself without her. But I knew I did it for a reason. We tried the no contact but we had to still have eachother in our lives. I explained to her that I loved her with all my heart but that it wasn’t fair for her being with someone who wanted this intimacy with her all the time even after what she’s been through. I felt like my worried about the future we’re going to prevent her from having that. We both decided to start our own healing journeys and decided to start therapy. For her this was normal therapy as she didn’t like CBT in the past and for me this was both normal and also sex and intimacy. I wanted to be able to be a better partner and not let the rejection of intimacy and my high libido impact another relationship.

We have both decided to start dating again. We have had an honest few weeks of deep conversation. Talking about how towards the end of the relationship I stopped any form of initiating it just because I was fed up with rejection, I stopped with the dates and effort on my part as I saw it as why should I keep making the effort and it not be reciprocated and my partner listened to me when I discussed what I needed. I said I’d be happy to take sex off the table with everything that happened to her and the pain from the endometriosis, but I need the other forms the kissing, cuddling, me treating her and then also receiving back rather than it being one sided we spoke on boundaries on what I’m comfortable with and what she is comfortable with, I understand that a lot of what she is uncomfortable with I see as an excite and fun part of a relationship so this will take some time to adjust to. But I am hopeful for our future with the help of therapy and us getting our own place I hope the excuses of we’re living at my parents we can’t do stuff here stops.

Is it wrong of me to still set a boundary of even though it’s new and she wants to work on the relationship and it’s incredible we’re now in therapy with this and there’s no changes with the intimacy but she wants to take it slow and build on it but I’ve set a boundary of even though I’m doing my best to support her needs in the relationship but if there’s no change in the intimacy in a year that I’d discuss us separating. I understand I need to do better to support her as a partner and I’m working my a#% off to do this with dates, communication, making the effort constantly but I also need that intimacy too and to see change in that. I’ve spoken to her on I can’t get back to how we were I can’t live with what feels like a friend and she understood this.

This is a tough post to share. My wife was drugged and raped a little over a decade ago while in college. The next ten years were a period of hypersexuality, compulsive/addictive sex, and the need for validation from multiple partners. The specific numbers don't matter, but it was a lot more than I would have previously felt comfortable with.

I've worked hard to be supportive and be there emotionally for her to share. After a lot of research, I began to understand that hypersexuality is a trauma and PTSD response, a way of getting back her power in taking control of her sexuality. I truly get that this is something that she needed to do to feel safe and healthy. And I respect her so much for all that she had to do and conquer. Its truly inspiring and amazing.

The challenge is, it's hard to hear at the same time. Hard to hear about different partners, one-night stands, riskier and riskier behavior, etc. Also, quite a few people she hooked up with are in our friend group (all before I entered the picture). So I interact with her sexual past regularly.

The other night we had a conversation and she shared details about a hook-up she had with someone while she was dating her ex. This happened a few times in her last relationship. It was an unhealthy, unhappy relationship much of the time. She probably wasn't ready to be in a relationship but she felt it was the best she could do and was lonely and wanted to be loved. She also felt a lot of shame over her past and unloveable. So it seems sometimes she used sex and connection at times to get what she needed at the time. But something about the conversation bothered me.

We have an amazing relationship. Lots of love and intimacy (read connection, closeness, etc). We have been very open with each other and have a good amount of trust. The struggle for me is twofold. I was cheated on previously and her previous cheating scares me. She's in a MUCH healthier place now though. So I feel I should let that go. But her comfort level with casual hookups, previous need for male attention, and the like is triggering for me in my past. And her cheating in her previous relationship as well. I'm scared this will repeat. I'm scared I'll get hurt or something will happen. I know our relationship is so much healthier than her last one. But it's hard to accept and trust that we'll be ok.

The other thing is that it's hard sometimes to hear about her past and just take it as the past and not affecting me. I know that it has nothing to do with me. But for some reason, I get focused on it and have a hard time not feeling upset when I hear about previous sexual partners or her being essentially used for sex by men who couldn't care less about her. It hurts me inside. Not in a jealous way, but just makes me really uncomfortable and hits me for a few days after we have these discussions. Partly empathy, but also partly retroactive jealousy. I know there is a big difference between what we have sexually and what she had with someone else, like a one-night stand. But Its hard to not equate these as similarly intimate experiences - even if there was not a single emotion involved, there was physical intimacy.

My question for this group is, can someone involved in SA and subsequent sexual addiction move on to live a healthy and monogamous life? Should I be worried? Given my past, I know I'm being triggered, but I want to truly trust her but have zero experience with this outside of talking to my therapist and reading books and articles on the topic. I love this person with my whole heart. I'm just also worried about getting hurt.

Those of you who have trauma from SA - how in the world do you maintain a healthy relationship? We're going on 13 years and the past few years have been exceptionally difficult when it comes to intimacy. This man (40m) is NEVER satisfied. I give in often and it always results in me being sick mentally and spiritually, but I can't show it or express that to him. I'm 35F and have always been a very sexual person up until 4 years ago. Like all my trauma from my childhood hit differently than it did before. If I could become A-sexual I'd be the happiest I've ever been due to how much I despise sex. I don't want to split up (we have a large family) but I don't want to be touched in that way, or vice versa. I do not know what to do. I feel like this is not fair to me or to him. I also feel like he couldn't care either way as long as he gets what he wants.

We had an amazing marriage we both had kids she was great with my babygirl and I was great for her son. Ten years into our marriage she started accusing me of being with other girls and got violent with me. Then she remember she was sex trafficked. After getting her into therapy and letting her know that didn’t change how I felt for her she started to talk about being tortured and starved to near death often and raped repeatedly. Locked in cages forced to eat poop drink pee. Eat anything possible. Forced to watch her child abused. The people that abused her have money when she called them out we started being followed by aircraft and vehicles. We are still being followed everywhere we go. I have been scared for our lives at times I cut ties with all my family with kids so they would not get freaked out or scared when they started being followed for being seen with us. With all that’s happened to my wife it hasn’t changed the way I want and need her love ❤️ but she cannot quit being scared, confused, and traumatized by her past I don’t know what to do anymore. She calls me everyday from work or when I’m at work crying and wanting to know what’s going on. What she did wrong, what she did to deserve this. I try to calm her down and tell her she is safe and she didn’t do anything wrong that she didn’t deserve the abuse but she received it her whole life until we met when she was 36. She is on her forth therapist in four years. The second one the one who got her to turn them in moved out of town when she started being followed by these losers who by the way all lie about the abuse and with no physical proof get away with this horrible mental anguish they leave on their victims. I don’t know what else I can do to help my beautiful wife get past this and save our marriage

Hello, I'm ‘27M’ really struggling since my girlfriend’27F’ told me she was sexually assaulted a year ago. I love her deeply ‘we have been dating for 7 months’, but this has been weighing heavily on me. Despite her experiences being far more traumatic, I can't stop thinking about it. It's almost like my heart is going to burst from the stress. The way she reacted to the assault is what's really troubling me—I can't understand it. She's usually confident, educated, and knowledgeable about these things, but in this instance, she seemed to defend her attacker. She said the guy was a good guy, we were both drinking (he was also smoking weed), and when I felt it, I left the house. She waited for an apology or some kind of acknowledgment from him, and when that didn't happen, she arranged to meet and confront him. Apparently, he was very apologetic, so she decided not to report it.

I'm having a hard time grasping this. Every time I look at my girlfriend now, all I can think about is this incident and her reaction to it.

I really don't want to misunderstand her, but it feels like I'm not supporting a victim at all. I'm struggling to make sense of this situation. She initiated this conversation about being assaulted, but then she seemed to defend the person who hurt her. She even described him with phrases like "he's from a good school, well-educated, comes from a good family," almost as if she's excusing him.

It doesn't make sense to me, and I desperately want to stop dwelling on it. I wish we could go back to how things were before this happened, but right now, this is all I can think about. I'm also questioning if our relationship might have similar dynamics—maybe she defends my wrongdoings too? How can I sustain a relationship with someone who says things like "we were drinking and smoking weed, so it wasn't conscious"?

How can I get over this thought?

I'm writing this here to talk it out with someone and to seek advice from anyone who may have had a similar experience. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Edited for TW: Mention of SA (surprise penetration, altered headspace) CSA, conditioning

I've been with my partner for over 5 years, and we have a very loving, healthy, communicative and supportive partnership. However, something happened recently that I cannot talk to them about, and I can't afford therapy to talk about it there.

Some context: we are polyarmorous and kinky, and my partner has experienced both CSA and sexual assaults from previous dating site matches. We suspect they might have also been conditioned as a child to react to certain behaviors by becoming passive or hypersexual as a traumatic coping method.

Recently, they went on a first date with someone a decade older than them, and because of rain they ended up at this person's apartment. During the course of their hangout, this person, "B", and my partner were kissing, and without clarifying, B asked if "this" was okay, which my partner interpreted as the kissing (which was moving down to their neck) and said yes, but B then rapidly pulled down their pants and shoved their fingers into my partner. The shock likely triggered them into becoming hypersexual, for which the two then proceeded to engage in more intimate activities. Once they left, my partner felt shame and guilt (because that had broken our boundries on first dates and intimate activity rules for testing/safety), and that they had been dissociated the whole time, therefore making their consent less than fully informed and willing, especially because B was between them and the door and much physically larger. They were able to tell me some details about it a few days later but aren't comfortable talking about it that much, except to know I don't hate them (which obviously I reassured them as best I could)

I am trying to support them as I can right now, but because of their childhood conditioning, they feel attached to B and are fighting an urge to see B as an authority figure and keep communicating/meeting with them and potentially having sex/intimate actions. I don't know how cope with the (acknowledged misplaced & muddled) betrayal emotions along with knowing that B could coerce them back at any point and that talking badly about B would backfire with them running to B as the authority, and that all the progress we've done together to help them heal from their previous assaults were likely undone to a significant degree. I also don't know how to deal with the diminished trust in my partner's judgement, since this is not the first time this has happened, and while I know getting assaulted is not their fault and that anyone can be misjudged, it makes me nervous whenever they go on a date now, that they can't say no to people when triggered, especially in sexual situations.

My partner (41m) and I (38m) have been dating since July 2021. When we first started dating we were very physically intimate. We usually had sex every time we went on a date, and multiple times across weekends we would spend together.

In/around March 2022, our physical intimacy kind of rapidly declined. We moved in together in June 2022. Living together our physical intimacy basically became almost non-existent.

My partner says this is because of issues he had with intimacy around being sexually abused as a child. He was raped 200+ times by his nanny from the time he was 4 until he was about 7. So, I have been very patient and understanding.

However, I’m really at a loss. Because, when I’m cleaning the house, in his office, I will find socks and paper towels that he has used to clean himself up after masturbating. I’ve tried talking to him about this and he says that masturbation is just easier than physical intimacy with me. But, it keeps happening. So it really feels like he’d rather masturbate to whatever porn he watches than actually touch me. We don’t kiss often, and we almost never have sex now. On a good day, I get one hug and roughly 3 minutes of cuddling each day.

Is this him? Is this his trauma? Is it me? Is it both? I’m just lost.

Hello, my boyfriend suffered abuse years before I met him and a month ago he saw his abuser again by coincidence.

For a while after that, he distanced himself from me a little and doesn't seem to have any problems with me specifically. I think it may be that the situation has reminded him of the trauma and that is preventing him from engaging emotionally in the right way out of fear. But I also don't know what to do to help him, or how to talk to him about it without making it worse

From the beginning of our relationship we were always clear about doing things slowly and I have made it clear to him several times that I don't need sex for him to show me his love, but lately it seems like he doesn't talk to me or get involved in general either so that worries me. It seems like he's having a mental battle with himself about whether to do things or not.

My wife's younger brother was bitching today about some stupid fucking "drama" that involved bullying. Just verbal shit, nothing crazy. He was talking about how he has a hard time coping with the fact that there are people in the world that enjoy bullying others.

Wow. I can't imagine how terrible that must be for you bud, living in a world with bullies. Little does he fucking know that his sister was molested her whole childhood. It fills me with so much pure, unadulterated rage that he gets to live such a peacefully ignorant life while my wife lives in hell everyday. No one in her family knows, and they can never know, because it would blow up her life.

My feelings of anger and despair over what happened to her are so strong. The feelings are too overwhelming and make me so fucking suicidal. I can't live like this. I don't understand why we have to suffer THIS FUCKING MUCH.

To top it all off, I have fucking no one to talk to about this shit. Cause it ain't my business to tell. I'm going to die with this pain never really releasing.

Several months ago, my gf told me she was r*ped by her uncle, when she lived with him as a young adolescent (11-12yo). No one in the family knows, and she's never had any therapy. He is still part of the family.

She told me that she still has flashbacks, and throughout her teenage years she was drinking heavily, hypersexual and repulsed by any physical contact from men, even her Dad.

I feel extremely humbled by her trust in telling me this, and my immediate reaction was to comfort her, telling her that it didn't change anything for me. She was in tears and it was an enormously courageous step for her to confide in me.

However in the aftermath of knowing this, I now have so many concerns and questions. I'm terrified of triggering her, and I don't want to her feel like a victim.

I want to understand how she feels about it but I'm also afraid of talking about it if she doesn't want to.

There are, however, many practical things I want to ask her in order to better support her.

I also want to educate myself to be sensitive and supportive, specifically:

1. engaging in this Reddit group to understand the survivors perspective
2. speaking to a sexual abuse therapist
3. at the right time, speaking to her about if she wants to discuss it, and also how I can support her, minimise triggers etc. For example, if she wants to do therapy, paying for it.

I'm sure I'm missing plenty of things so feel free to respond to this post. Peace ☮️.

I (28F) visited my family for Easter Weekend. I went to their church service today.

There was a young boy (16M) whose family is close to my mother. We are all very religious. But the boy is mentally challenged.

This was my second time meeting them. I love children and have a soft spot for them. I work with them so when the boy sort of latched onto me I didn't pay it any mind. He showed me some of his toys and coloring books, and even shared some snacks with me.

His mother and grandmother told me that he is mentally challenged, and that he can be a "bit much" at times. I told them no worries, and we had the service.

On the way home his grandmother, mother, himself, myself and my sister shared a ride home. He was sitting on his granny's lap, then I sat in the middle with my sister next to me.

My mom was in the front and his mother as well.

He put his arm around my shoulder and I gently removed it and told him, "No I don't like that."

He said, "Im gonna ticke you!" And started touching me again. I said no again but he just continued.

At this point I started freezing up a bit. Hoping someone else would say something. I was sexually assaulted quite brutally in the past and my mother knew of this so I was hoping for some intervention.

He started pulling me into him and I resisted. But he wouldn't stop.

When the car stopped and we said our goodbyes he pulled me in for a kiss. And I pushed back so hard and just told him, "No we don't do that"

And his granny laughed and said, "Oh she is too old for you."

When they got out he pointed at me and said "You are mine now"

And I felt really uncomfortable. I just locked the door and stayed inside.

Now I'm feeling uncomfortable and weirded out. I am sitting typing this in the living room while I'm listening to how my mom is chatting to the granny and the mother of the child, telling them that I'm the adult. He's a child. I should've said something. It's my fault. My mom wasn't able to see what's happening because she was focused on driving.

Now I don't know what to do... do I talk to them? Should I have done something more? Probably but it bought back so much unwanted memories I really just froze. I feel nauseous and dirty all over again.

What are some ways you all deal with feeling unwanted or undesired by your partner?

It was an ordinary Sunday and we were drinking coffee, but something had shifted. The words tumbled out that he had lost his connection and spark for me. 20 years of love and laughter. Not without challenges around intimacy, but our bond grew so much around that. My mind whirled as none of it made sense. This person I knew so well was unrecognizable. He was emotionless as he saw the tears tumble out on my face. He said he’s lost himself. After the most loving and painful conversation I told him that must have been hard to say and the honesty took courage. All week my brain couldn’t make sense of it. One week later filled with a million questions everything changed. Standing in our kitchen I became the first person my husband has ever told about his CSA. The repeat abuse. It was horrific. His entire body was shaking uncontrollably as the deepest emotions burst from his being. I couldn’t believe he carried this inside for so long and had honestly functioned so well as this fun loving persona with all that pain buried inside. He is suffering with suicidal ideation, flashbacks, and complete emotional numbing. He doesn’t want to be married. He doesn’t want to be responsible for anything. I know so much joy existed in our life together. I look at photos and know that there was magic. This was a total blindside. I’ve felt like the pain of the heartbreak will swallow me at any point. But I deeply recognize I’m not the only one hurting and him telling me is the first step toward a path to healing for him. No human should have to walk the earth carrying this burden alone. I’ve never been more proud of him being so vulnerable. So much makes sense about our relationship the more I’m learning. It makes me sad he doesn’t have interest to try. I feel like this knowledge is the missing key to the parts we’ve struggled. We’ve separated and the nights are so lonely, but we are still talking. Partner me knows this space was needed. The duality of the two painful experiences in one living space was too great and I know would be detrimental to both parties. Best friend me though that’s loved this man fiercely for 20 years desperately wants to support him on this journey. I need some boundaries to protect my heart, but this soul does need me. I’ve been sending some things for him to read as options that he has deeply appreciated to feel understood. I remind him life is worth living and he won’t feel this way forever. He is taking the steps and my heart wishes for nothing more than for him to find some peace. He is starting therapy soon, met with his Doctor and is taking space. But I am left feeling more human that I have ever in my entire existence. The raw pain of heartbreak as I mourn our past and our future. As I mourn for the young parts of him so betrayed. As I mourn for this wound I’ll forever carry of the love story I was lucky enough too have. As I mourn for the parts of me that know I’ll always love him. As I mourn for the parts that live in the uncertainty of what’s to come.

The actions of his perpetrator, 40 years ago, are now threatening to destroy my entire life.

The grief, the loss, the injustice…I will never have words.

Because he looks kinda like Geralt. What a fucking bastard I hope he dies in vietnam where he currently is.

#Trigger warning SA of minor! I marked it NSFW for that reason.

I posted in another sub, but got no advice! I’m trying again after I found this sub. I’m getting in a dark place and I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to anyone in my life due to my child’s privacy. I need advice. Sorry it’s so long. I have new developments. I will post at the bottom.

Throwaway for obvious reasons! I want to hurt someone..Not literally, but I honestly don't even know anymore. I’m so furious.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I can’t think straight due to anger. I’m also on my cell if that makes a difference in format?

My brother-in-law who was at the time, 33yo. He is a gay male, who we will call Ryan, confessed that he sexually assaulted/molested (rape, in my opinion) my son starting when he was 12 years old. We will call my son Derrick. Derrick is now 18. Ryan, the sick f*ck, had the nerve to tell me it was consensual.

He sent me a text on Wednesday, March 20, 2024 stating:

“The night I came out I wanted to talk to you about what happened between me and Dawson back in the day you have the right to take whatever action you want but just know that saying sorry can’t take it back . It’s really been bothering me and if you want to talk more about it in person we can. I just can’t focus anymore and it’s been bothering me for years. I just feel like a horrible person and I’m truly sorry. I just got to work because we are having a cookout today or id come over now and chat about things”.

I replied with something and he then said this:

No but im not proud of it . It wasn’t anything forced. I’m at work and don’t really wanna burst into tears . I go to break around 2 if you wanna talk person to person”

How can a 12-year-old consent to this? He was groomed and raped/molested by an adult! I am so fcking pissed! I trusted Ryan to live in my home for a year and trusted him around my son, grandchildren, etc!!! This is my fault for bringing that piece of sht into my home! He has been my brother-in-law for 6 years, if that matters. He has been on vacation with us multiple times. We have spent all holidays together, and I have been there for him through all his lows. He deserved none of it! I just feel sick! I can't do anything about this, can I? Derrick denies anything happening when I questioned if anyone has ever harmed him inappropriately before. I know it happened. Derrick denying it, even with a confession, does no good, right? Ryan won't be charged if the victim denies it for whatever reason? My son is embarrassed, I'm sure. Who wouldn't be? Derrick leaves for the military in less than a month. I want to press charges, but with Derrick leaving for the military so soon, I feel like it will cause a ton of issues, especially if Derrick wants to forget it ever happened and denies it if I ask him. The last thing I want is for Derrick to leave for basic training with all of this happening. He doesn't know that his step-uncle confessed about his rape. I’m sure Derricks girlfriend has no idea either. That would be another issue. Please help with advice. I never thought this would happen to my family, and I'm feeling so guilty, hurt, and beyond pissed. Ryan is a very successful person who had it all. I always thought he had the perfect life. I didn't even second guess him living with our family. He was the perfect brother-in-law, friend, Step-uncle, etc. Or so I thought. Ryan is supposed to come over on Saturday for a full confession. He said it's eating at him, and he wants to discuss it in person. I'll be recording EVERYTHING! This is a one-party consent state, so it's legal. I personally don't want Ryan at my house. I don't even want to look at him, and then for him to want to come over and sit there and tell me to my face what he did to my son is going to be hard to contain myself. Especially if he mentions "consensual"! I thought about pressing charges after Derrick leaves for the military. Would I be able to press charges or would Derrick be the one that has to?

I have not told my mother and father-in-law yet. I will be telling them after I get Ryan’s confession recorded and show them the text message they had sent me. I will be telling them that if they choose to maintain a relationship with Ryan, it is their choice. However, my husband and I will be going no contact with them. We want nothing to do with someone who maintains a relationship with a child rapist. Them continuing a relationship with someone who raped my child tells me everything I need to know about them. I want nothing to do with ANYONE who speaks to Ryan! ANY advice is appreciated. This is is all new to me and my husband. I’m so lost on what to do.

** I also discovered that Ryan was sending explicit photos to my oldest son, who was 16 at the time, while Ryan was living with us. My son finally opened up to me and my husband about it, Tuesday night. He never mentioned it before out of embarrassment, and he stated how awkward and uncomfortable it made him feel. This experience was so uncomfortable for him that he started spending more time outside of HIS HOME with his friends, avoiding the one place where he should feel the safest.

#New development:

It has taken a turn for the worse, not that it wasn't devastating enough before. It involves the sexual assault of my son when he was 12 years old. His step-uncle, Ryan, groomed and sexually abused him. My son, Derrick is now 18, and Ryan confessed to everything this evening. Ryan informed me and his brother that he has AIDS. He said AIDS then HIV. I am devastated. This not only affects Derrick, but also his girlfriend. Derrick is not doing well. He is leaving for the military in a few weeks. Derrick denies that anything ever happened. He is embarrassed and won't talk to me anymore. He has blocked me. I told him that he was a child and not at fault. I explained that he was taken advantage of by an adult we trusted. He is aware of his step-uncle's diagnosis.

My (38M) girlfriend (30F) is a survivor of child sexual abuse (from her father) and I am trying my best to understand.

Out relationship is the best either of us have ever been in, however, our sex life is quite difficult.

If she is not in complete control she will get triggered. This means she has to be on top, and move very slowly. Any other position will trigger her trauma. And sometimes just starting and stopping will trigger her trauma. Sometimes she will get triggered after the sex too.

She has been in therapy for years and is also a therapist herself.

I’m reaching out here, because I want to know, does the trauma become more manageable over time? Or improve at all?

I know there is no universal solution or handbook but I’m just so sad right now. Sad that she is going through this, sad that our sex life is not great, sad that everything else is perfect except this part. I don’t want to leave something amazing just because of sex, but it’s also a very important part of a relationship for me.

I feel like a complete asshole even bringing this up, but I can’t talk to her about it (she knows), so it just weighs me down and I need ask out into the void.

I am angry about how much of a coward my wife's abuser is. I am angry about the fact that she is the one who will have to reveal to her whole family that her brother is a child abuser and that she's afraid it will "destroy her family". I am angry at the fact that I cannot go back in time and protect the little boy who grew up to hate himself so much and who only now can be herself, because before she was so afraid of being bullied by her own brother. I'm angry at the fact that I love my younger siblings and they are my best friends, my safe haven, and I that an older brother could be such a monster to destroy the beauty of fraternity like that. I'm angry at the fact that my wife spent her teenage years being a troubled teen and treated like a problem and that he watched her suffer and guilt never fell over him. I cannot phantom the idea of hurting a person so bad and not being consumed by guilt. You gotta be a different type of monster to do what he did to a child, I cannot comprehend it, I've had minor fights with my siblings and cried full of guilt after because of it, I just cannot wrap my head around any of this and this is driving me insane. I'm just so angry and confused. I cry a lot thinking about my wife and every time she speaks about it I can only think of my younger siblings and just how BLESSED I am for having them. How can you hurt a sibling like that and not fucking kill yourself after? My wife still believes it was because he was a teenager and wasn't aware of the horror of what he was doing, but any normal human being would fucking crumble if that was the case. My sister broke my finger in an accident when we were children and she still apologizes for it. It's too much to wrap my head around and I am SO ANGRY all of the time.

I love this girl with all my heart. We're each other's first and only and have been long distance for 5 years, having met a total of 5 times. We can currently see each other twice a year for (about 2 weeks each time) and are planning on moving in together in about 6-10 months. We have sex about 5 times each time and it feels forced from her end. We don't do much phone sex either when we're not in person (once every 3 weeks).

We've had problems with sex since when we first met, and soon after that she was sexually assaulted and has been healing since. I've been patient and stayed with her through our almost non-existent sex life because of how traumatic that is.

Every time we saw each other again, sex improved a bit but it was still nowhere close to what I needed. It always feels like she has to force herself and it doesn't feel like we have natural sexual tension or much sexual chemistry (even before SA). It feels almost clinical, like we hang out most of the time and at night time it's like "ok time to try doing the sex".

However, her natural libido doesn't seem terrible. She says she masturbates every day and she thinks it'll just take some time for her to be able to get used to sex, and then she'll be able to translate her "libido for masturbation" to "libido for sex" (plus of course healing over time from SA). Also she admitted to me after years that she prefers me to have a more athletic body, which I'm working on and eventually it will also help her with getting in the mood.

The problem is I'm so frustrated at this point and am grieving all the years of youth I've spent not having a sexual connection with her. I want to do more than just sex, I want to have a lot of sexual chemistry and have sexual tension built into the fabric of our relationship. I want to be all over her and I want her to be all over me, especially when we haven't seen each other for so long. We barely flirt online or in person (we honestly don't know how to, our relationship is so "cuddly" and innocent it's hard to be sexual).

And she also isn't a huge fan of blowjobs or even making out, but those are really important to me, especially as someone who's never experienced feeling wanted in that way. I have some "fetishes" (TMI: cumming in her mouth, swallowing) that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explore because she says she doesn't like cum.

I just don't know how much of this to attribute to her SA trauma + long distance + my body not being in shape enough (all of which can be worked on over time) vs how much of it is just her natural libido/desire (which I don't think can be fixed).

The other thing is it feels like communicating my frustration is important but also in a way counterproductive. This is because I want to figure out how to flirt with her and help her get in the mood and actually desire me more (basically woo-ing her), but telling her multiple times how frustrated and sad I am about this kind of does the opposite (e.g. self confidence is attractive, it's harder to desire a guy that's sulking to you).

How do I go about this? We're currently in relationship counseling but I'm not sure how much it's helping. She also agrees therapy specifically for her sexual assault is important but hasn't gotten around to it.

Throwaway account to protect people.

My wife works in an industry where she and her co-workers have to spend unusually long hours with each other. A couple years ago, she developed a close friendship, so she thought, with a male co-worker, we'll call him Dave, that ended in his "making a move" on her; he groped her. She didn't expect it, and made it very clear it was unwelcome. In response, he went into panic/denial mode, insisting that she completely misread the incident, and even going so far as to poison the waters with her superiors and telling them that she "had it out for him".

The issue was brought up by her management, and so she told them what happened. They asked if she had gone to HR or if she planned to, and she said "no" to both. Things pretty much ended there, and to keep things brief I will simply say that she expected that the incident was so distressing for Dave that it had sobered him right up.

It's been a little more than two years. I just got off the phone with my wife, and she informed me that Dave has not stopped. She found out that two other women in her department have also been assaulted by Dave. One of them informed my wife that he bragged to her that he had an affair behind his wife's back a few years back. They all did the same thing, told him his advances were not OK. He did the same thing, denying and accusing them of misreading the situation.

My wife and one of the other women are ready to go to HR, but the third is not. They all have said the same things: they felt embarrassed and humiliated; they feel like they may be to blame, that they invited this behavior; all standard stuff. The third woman seems to believe that this is the end of his behavior. Clearly, it's not. She is also afraid that she will ruin his career, which none of them want, but my belief is it may not be possible to get him to stop without that at least being a collateral consequence.

My belief is that he will continue to do this, it will get worse, and that the only lesson he has learned is that he CAN get away with it. Are you in agreement? Please let me know if I'm off. If I'm not, my hope is to gather some effective resources to show all 3 of these women that Dave is not going to stop this, and that more than likely it will get worse.

Feel free to ask any questions and send me links/resources I can look at. These women are frightened and stressed. Even though there are 3 of them, they all feel alone and are nervous that this could backfire on them.

Thanks for your help.

My partner was taken advantage of 5 years ago while they were under the influence of substances (or lack thereof). They pretty much hid it in a corner of her brain and forgot about it. Until about a month ago. While drunk at a bar, they were telling this stranger about the " relationship" they had with a 35yo woman. I asked about it and they basically realized they were raped. Things got rockier but we're still standing. I know they have fantasies related to the assault (involving getting drugged up/drunk and unable to consent or move), for now they're more like intrusive thoughts than an actual, healthy fantasy. They also tend to be very passive in bed (just as they were during the assault), literally asking to be used and their favorite position is the one they were raped in. Today they confided to me that they couldn't stop thinking about sex for the past 2 days. Mixed with intrusive thoughts about the fantasies. Somehow it rang a bell in me. Things might never be the same again. I know SA survivors might develop hypersexuality, sometimes even to the point of putting themselves in danger to revive the assault. I'm absolutely terrified. I don't know how strong those urges/compulsions can be. I'm scared it'll overcome their love for me one day. I'm scared of what they could do if we ever fight and they go outside to think/cool down. They have a history of self-destructive behavior already. I'm absolutely terrified of what they might do if they get drunk again and I'm not around. I'm terrified if I don't respond to their hypersexuality they'll feel the need to seek it elsewhere. I don't know if it's even healthy to have sex with them while they're feeling hypersexual. It kind of feels like taking advantage of their state and trauma.

Does anyone have good ending stories about their partner's hypersexuality?