She lied to me two years ago and I can’t forget it. I was a virgin and never been with any girl. She knew this was important and never told me about her past until we were together and she became my first and it was too late. This was two years ago and every now and then I see relationship videos on social media and it sparks my pain and hurt and realization that I was lied to and deserve better. I brought it up 3 times, once when it happened and twice recently. She always apologizes and tells me everything about her past. I guess the reason was she was raped when she was 17 and hated herself and just wanted to hurt herself or whatever and went on a spiral over the years not having value for herself. It hurts and I know I wouldn’t have been with her if I knew except it’s too late and I love her, see a future with her and we’ve already made so many memories.

She is a different person I know that but I can’t shake the resentment, at best I only forget it for a while and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want heart break. I knew about her being abused and accepted her for it but she took away what was important to me and it’s too late.

She reverted to my religion in secret, was learning my language and she is a different person. I see she loves me and I know it too, I just feel betrayed and I don’t know what to do. I have an empty pit in my stomach sometimes and somedays it hurts more than others. I need help.

TL;DR - GF lied early on before we got into a relationship about having a past despite knowing it was important to me. 2 years later and I can’t shake the resentment and pain, at best I forget it for a short while.

Everything is upside down

TLDR: [34M] My wife [31F] was gang raped back in her home country while assisting a family member at the start of this year. How can we get through this? I feel on the verge of implosion on a daily basis.

This isn’t my normal account.

Caution : Some detail. If you’re sensitive to rape or sexual assault don’t continue.

I cannot give specifics at this time about places or location.

I’m posting because I have no one I can talk to about this where I am, and I feel completely lost.

Context:

My wife and I have been married for three years together for 5. This is my second marriage and her first. We raise her two children together who are from two different fathers.

My wife is stunning and beautiful and I’m not saying that as her love blind husband. Every room she walks into everyone looks at her. She’s verging on 6ft and 60kg, former model.

For the last two years my wife has had a serious alcohol dependency issue which she has been very good at hiding or she was good at hiding it until she couldn’t. We are talking about hiding large and small bottles of alcohol around our home, filling plastic single use water bottles with gin or vodka and hiding them or drinking them in plain site during the day.

This lead to her doing nothing. Sleeping all day, being lazy, not being there for the kids other than making dinner etc. a total waste when she is incredibly talented and one of the smartest people I know.

When she is not drunk she is extremely almost hyper aware of what’s going on. Even though she is skinny she is strong and capable of handling herself. She is one of the kindest and most selfless individuals ever, along with being super intelligent.

When she drinks four things happen:

She cannot stop herself from drinking She becomes a completely different person, and when I say completely different she becomes aggressive, offensive and belligerent. She almost always blacks out and needs help even making it to bed. Her ability to lie reaches all new levels.

When she is drunk she becomes what I can only term as a “flight risk” and has a tendency to just vanish. This has lead to a number of problems in the past.

In a previous life I worked for a number of government agencies doing lie detection and subsequent to that, I was a tactician. I’ve seen the worst the world has to offer so that has lead me to expect and prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

One time she got extremely drunk, split from her friend who she was at a gig with and ended up in a private booth with a group of men in a Russian club. I noticed she was incommunicado when she was expected to be home, noticed she was somewhere she would never go on her FindMy. I went there and removed her from the club. I ID’d the head of the group using my connections to find her was a known trafficker living in a non extradition country. Close call.

I’ve urged her for a long time now to seek help for the alcohol but she doesn’t believe there is a problem. She has had a handful of counselling sessions over the last two years but never stuck to it.

Her alcohol dependency has put a huge strain on our relationship and my ability to trust her. When she drinks, I do not trust the person she becomes.

What happened:

At the start of this year, my wife returned to our home country to assist an elderly family member. Since new year my wife promised she wouldn’t drink again but when she was home she did. When she travelled back I urged her to pickup a local sim so she would be in contact easily but she didn’t. This lead me to only be able to contact her if she had WiFi or I knew who she was with and was able to speak to her via them. She was staying with her mother or sister when she was home, so it wasn’t an issue unless she was out.

Towards the end of her stay she went on a day out with her sister which ended with them being in a nightclub / bar on the busiest street in the city. I don’t know what it was but I got this sinking feeling of dread and messaged her sister who she was with as my messages were not going through. I ended up on the phone with her sister who told me my wife had vanished for almost an hour (the venue isn’t that big that this would be possible) but they were together again as they had just been thrown out the venue because my wife was that level of drunk.

Needless to say, I was somewhat disappointed she was in this condition and had vanished in albeit our home city, but a dangerous one. Her sister handed the phone to her and we spoke for two minutes before she hung up on me after being rude and generally horrible to me in her drunken state. This was because I said to her I wasn’t happy about her level of intoxication and they needed to get back to her sisters right away.

I called her sister back and said I would book them an uber which was two minutes away but she said she had booked a taxi and was looking for it.I still have the screenshot. I wish I had just booked it.

At this point she turned her back to my wife and stepped maybe 30 metres away to check on the taxi. When she turned round, my wife was gone. Times become important here so I will time stamp.

2036hrs

At this point we were both freaking out, she was looking for her, I messaged her phone in a panic and tried to call but she had no data so nothing went through.

Messages send 2036hrs and 2039hrs. Not delivered.

During the next 7-10 minutes I was frantically calling her parents, her friends etc to see if anyone was either in the city or could go to the city and help her sister find her. Please remember I’m 5000 miles away alone at home with our kids.

At 2046hrs the messages were delivered and read on her phone.

I tried calling and messaging again when I saw this at 2049hrs but nothing went through and no response.

Over the next thirty minutes I spent speaking to her sister who was also fairly drunk and in tears and by herself. I also wanted to make sure she was safe. I got two of her friends to head to the city as they were 15 minutes away.

At 2126hrs all the other messages I sent her were delivered. Her mum phoned me to say she had appeared back there but she was a mess. The journey time from the city centre to her mother’s at this time is around 20-25 minutes.

It was at this point I spoke to my wife who was inconsolable and she told me she was raped.

At this point, I felt like my world just collapsed. It’s that complete sinking overwhelming feeling of dread.

She was audibly a mess on the phone but wasn’t able to give any details. All she could remember and tell me was:

• she was walking up the street to get a taxi after her and her sister argued. I heard the “argument” and my wife was being drunk and aggressive and a bit of a dick.
• When she was walking up the street two guys tried the usual bullshit of “you look upset, are you ok?”, let’s get a drink etc
• The next thing she remembers is coming to in the back of a van, lights being shined in her face and they took turns filming and raping her while the others restrained her.
• She doesn’t remember how she got out the van.
• She remembers very few details about them.

When she told me this I was inconsolable and alone and I was sick. You might hear and read about these things on the news but when it’s YOUR wife, there is almost no way to describe the feeling that comes over you.

She only overheard one name and that name seemed to relate to a low/medium level drug dealer in the city. It’s believed they did this to send to him to curry favour / impress him.

The police have been extremely active on the case and have been trawling the city cctv.

There are only two options:

1 - The more likely one is it happened when she walked away from her sister but that leaves a window of 20-24 minutes.

2 - It happened when she went missing in the venue. I doubt this as I spoke to her right before she went missing.

From speaking with the police the sheer lack of cctv footage on the busiest street in the city is insane. There is a period of just over 10 minutes where she isn’t on cctv after leaving the venue to getting in a taxi. That is plenty of time for this to happen.

The police arrived with her around 2200hrs and began taking their reports etc. Between that evening and her getting on a plane home to me she spoke with the police at various times going through the ordeal as much as she could even though she was in no condition to do so. She ended up in hospital with chest pains through panic attacks and had to go to the rape clinic for evidence collection etc.

When I saw her at the airport it was a massive relief to see her but she looked like a shell of herself.

When I got her home over the next few days I saw the marks on her body which her friend had warned me about but this is where everything starts to get weird. She only had one bruise on her arm and very light bruising on her wrist.

For context she has an iron deficiency and she bruises like a peach. She regularly has bruises on her leg from gently bumping into things.

• She had no bruises on her legs of body. Just the one on her arm.
• They took nothing from her, not her phone, not the large sum of cash in her bag or the 45k gbp diamond ring on her finger.
• She got out the van and walked away.

I know from how she is, the evidence collection etc that something terrible happened against her will that night, but I don’t think unless the police catch them through dna and they confess, we will ever know what happened.

I’m trained to look at every scenario, every possibility and then create plans that could cost people their lives but it’s very different when your mind is forcing you to use these skills for the person you love the most in this world.

I’m here for her 24/7 and my life is now focussed on making sure she is ok and getting the help she needs, while also being the sole bread winner and making sure the kids have what they need etc.

I just can’t help this feeling I’m not getting the truth, or if she even knows what happened exactly. When we needed information from someone who had PTSD or serious trauma agencies would essentially put the persons mind back to how it was at the time by a similar setting, scenario or circumstance. The only way to do it with her would be to get her blackout drunk and there is no way that is happening.

To say I’m lost would be an understatement. The kids obviously don’t know. Family members know what happened but they have none of the context of the last two years to go with it. I find myself having these overwhelming surges or anger, when I’ve been trained to suppress all that but it appears all that goes out the window when it’s your loved ones. Anger from how a group of guys could do this to someone, to her. The rage I get when I think of that. Also anger from her drinking and putting herself in harms way. The world is full of terrible people and who are predators / rapists going to pick? The size 10, 120kg girl with her friend who is sober, or the sub 60kg blackout drunk girl who looks like a supermodel who they don’t stand a chance with on a normal day? I can’t help but think if she hadn’t been drunk, she wouldn’t have been thrown out the venue, she wouldn’t have fought with her sister and she wouldn’t have walked off by herself.

I cannot and am not angry at her. Anyone should be able to go out and get drunk and not be sexually assaulted. Unfortunately this isn’t the world we live in and there are predators everywhere.

Honestly, fuck alcohol. It’s the fucking devil. It’s the worst thing that’s legal.

I just feel like my world is upside down. Never felt quite so alone or isolated in my life and the thought of taking a long walk off a short pier has crossed my mind a number of times. My wife would fall apart without me, then there is the kids.

Please everyone. Stay away from alcohol. And to the guys who would do that sort of thing to a woman, just what? Reevaluate your existence.

(If there are typos / grammar errors I apologise as it’s super late here and my eyes are tired / blurry.)

Hello everyone, me (F24) and my bf(M24) have been together for 6 months. When we have p in v sex he cums too quickly and then, most times, he has trouble getting hard again. Sometimes he cums really fast if we haven't had sex in a while, since we are in a long distance relationship. He gets too excited and comes in less then a minute. His usual way is that he lasts about 5 minutes max, sometimes there have been times where he would last longer but that still hasn't been long enough for neither him or me. He also makes frequent stops in thrusting to stop himself from cumming too quickly so it also throws me off and it's a lot of pressure on the both of us. The thing is, he has sexual abuse trauma from early childhood and his cuming quickly + his inability to get hard is a survival mechanism his body developed to protect him from the trauma happening again. I guess my question is, has someone dealt with this in the past and how did u manage to make it last longer? It feels like an important part of our relationship suffers because we don't connect on this level as much as he or I would like to. We have considered for him to go to therapy because this is a direct response to the abuse he suffered, however we also considered viagara. Thoughts? And prayers🙏.

Tldr: my bf cums too quickly and can't get hard again bc of sexual trauma from childhood. Did someone go through a similar situation?

Throwaway for anonymity I (21M) have been with my fiance (22F) for 3 years and were doing long distance(different countries) I looked through one of her messages that was sketchy and to me it looked like cheating that started 7 or 8 months ago but when I confronted her she told me that he sa'd her on 2 different occasions. She didn't want to tell me that it happened because she was embarrassed rightfully so but everything I read doesn't add up in my head to what she's saying and I don't know what to do with the relationship ot what to believe if it's either true or if it's just regret.

TL;DR my fiance(22F) of 3 years explained to me (21M) that she was sa'd and I'm not sure what to believe or where to go from here

I posted this in r/sexualassault and felt maybe this subreddit may be of help to me as well.

Trigger Warnings: SA, Panic Attacks, R*pe

I’m reaching out because I could really use some perspective on a situation that’s been weighing heavily on my heart. I’m a 29-year-old man who has been “dating” someone I met on Reddit—she’s 32 and we’ve been connecting long-distance since March. I use quotes around “dating” because we haven’t explicitly talked about being exclusive, though I think I've implied it.

What started as NSFW chats evolved into deeper, more personal conversations by August. We exchanged phone numbers—something I have never done before. She has been such a support during both my challenging and joyful moments this past year. She even surprised me with gifts for my birthday while she's out of state. I’ve tried to be there for her too, especially as she navigated a very stressful job. During this time, she opened up about her experiences with SA and a specific instance of r*pe. I work in a field that helps victims of SA, so I’ve been educating myself to be a better ally for her.

She had mentioned wanting to see me before New Year’s, and when her work brought her into town, we finally met. We had an incredible time together—lots of laughs, shared meals, and memorable moments. We had talked about cuddling, and I was really looking forward to that. But just before I arrived at her hotel, she experienced a panic attack and asked me to drop her off. I respected her wishes without taking offense. We talked later, and she shared that just before our meet-up, she had faced a terrifying situation where someone had tried to SA her. She needed time to process it. I tried to reassure her that her experiences wouldn’t change how I felt about her, and she expressed her gratitude for my understanding. She regretted that the panic attack happened as well, and further appreciated how I understood why a SA scene in a show we watched would be a trigger.

Up until now, it seemed like she hadn’t been active on the NSFW side of Reddit since August. However, I discovered that she recently, yesterday, posted in a local subreddit looking for another to join her FWB for a specific sexual thing while also saying she wanted attention. This news hit me hard, and I can’t help but feel devastated. Everything between us seemed fine as we've been talking still, albeitly less frequently due to her job become intense again. She reached out to me the day she posted as well; albeit briefly. I’m just left wondering if what occured is connected to a hyper-sexuality response and what it means for me going forward. I haven't spoken to her since.

Hi! Does anyone know a couples counselor that has real expertise in CSA? We've gone to two now who claimed to be "trauma-informed" but clearly are not equipped to handle the specific demands of CSA patterns (e.g. focusing merely on standard communication tools). Honestly, I feel that my partner has successfully manipulated the conversation to deflect away from any actual discussion about CSA or how its patterns dominate our relationship (e.g. she is not fully honest about her CSA; insists that I'm only bringing it up to make her "the problem"; blames me for her deceptive/hidden behaviors e.g. its because I broke up with her in the past and thus she isn't safe to be honest with me -- when she has already said she has never felt safe in any human relationship). Every counseling session ends up focused on me and my "belief" that her years of violent CSA needs to be addressed more than, e.g., my indecision about jobs. Each counselor is naively allowing her to make me into the ongoing perpetrator/prosecutor; I want a CSA expert who can be the one to push her to be honest so I don't have to be in that role, and can perhaps even be the one to protect and make her feel safe in the counseling. We would be happy to use anyone around the world willing to work online.

I had a gross experience with a trusted adult when I was a preteen which I recently shared with my adult daughter. I wasn’t physically touched but it was 100% wrong and disgusting. I had never talked about it out loud until he came up in conversation and I told my daughter about what he did. After I told my daughter this, she told me a secret she’s been keeping for 20 years.

I never imagined I’d be in this place, but I really need support from anyone who has experienced something like this as a child or as a parent. My heart is breaking, and I don’t know how to process everything I’m feeling.

When she was little (before school age and well into elementary school) my ex-husband hurt for many years her in ways no child should ever have to endure. He is not her father, and he has been completely out of our lives for years, but I had no idea this was happening at the time. Now, I’m drowning in emotions I can’t even put into words.

I feel devastated that I didn’t know, that I didn’t protect her. I feel sick thinking about what she endured and how alone she must have felt. And now, I’m struggling with how to be there for her in the way she needs.

What he did to her completely destroyed her and she was an extremely difficult child and still struggles to this day as an adult. Her behaviors made it extremely difficult to parent her and it was rough on all of us as a family. I asked her if anything was going on and directly asked if she was being touched by anyone and she adamantly denied it. I never suspected him. Never in a million years. At one point, I was convinced somebody had done something to her even though she denied it, and I made a list in my head of who it could possibly be and he was not on that list.

On top of all of this, my younger daughter—who is his biological child—is absolutely heartbroken. She now hates her father because of what he did to her sister, and I don’t know how to help her process this pain. She’s grieving someone she thought she knew, and I feel completely lost on how to support both of my daughters through this.

I know many people have been through something similar as a child and kept it a secret for years before finally telling someone. If that was you—how are you doing now? What helped you heal? What do you wish the people in your life had done (or not done) when you finally shared your truth?

I want to support my oldest daughter in the way she needs, but I also need to be there for my younger daughter, who is crushed by this. I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I don’t want to make this about my own pain, but I also don’t know how to carry the weight of this guilt and heartbreak while still being the mom my girls need. My younger daughter has known about this for about a year and she has spiraled into a deep depression and I had no idea why. Since I found out, she can’t even look at me because she feels so ashamed and hurt and somehow, I guess embarrassed that now I know this horrible secret about her father.

I feel so lost. If anyone has been through something like this—either as a mother or as someone who lived through it as a child—I would be so grateful to hear your thoughts.

Links to articles on the facility and cult at the bottom.

Do I tell my family? I recently found out through exposés that the drug rehab facility that my sibling spent 2 years in has had countless reports of abuse, harassment, and the "coping mechanisms" they taught included victim-blaming and staying up for days at a time until they had mental breakdowns in therapy, as if that were the goal. Many former patients were encouraged to completely cut off ties with their families, which my sib nearly did multiple times over small issues. The model for breaking people down seems similar to scientology. Reading this made me realize so many of these awful "treatments" still have lingering impacts on my sib and created destructive patterns of behavior. I felt that reading the articles made me understand my sib a lot more, but was also devastating to understand how they have been doubly traumatized. My parents and sibling refuse to talk about sobriety, mental health, or the 2 year time period in rehab in general. They all also refuse the possibility of therapy, and I think part of it is because the therapy sessions in the facility were so traumatizing.

My sib is amazing but I still worry constantly for their well-being. I think discussing it could help the strained relationships in the fam as well but my family is extremely defensive, shutting down any possible conversation about these issues. After over a decade of substance abuse my sib has recently been turning things around, so I don't want to drudge up trauma that could cause a backslide. We also live very far apart, so we only see each other for the holidays or a vacation, so understandably my parents don't want to ruin the happy times discussing difficult topics. I would really appreciate any advice on what I should do or how to approach this in a delicate way. Articles on the facility included below.

In depth article on the facility:

https://www.riverfronttimes.com/news/st-louis-based-crossroads-is-under-fire-from-past-participants-40492684

Same program and owner in another part of the state:

https://www.kcur.org/health/2023-02-22/former-members-allege-reckless-and-cult-behavior-at-kansas-city-teenage-addiction-program

The long-standing cult doctrine/affiliation:

https://longreads.com/2021/08/12/cult-addiction-enthusiastic-sobriety-atavist-magazine/

In December, my 4yo daughter disclosed to me the abuse her father has done to her. I feel like I really need support from specifically other mothers in this situation. Does anyone know of a subreddit or discord for this? I'm in a Facebook group already for this, but I'd like to leave meta.

If this type of group doesn't exist already, are there any other mothers here that are interested in joining a discord if I make one?

hello im 19M and my partner is 18F. we have been dating for almost 1yr and 4 months. in the beginning we hit it off, we met thru my coworker when i was going out to “party” with other friends. i had seen her before my senior year when i was a teachers assistant for her class (at the time i was a senior she was a jr) i never spoke to her until we met again thru my coworker (who also i had become friends with and said coworker was also best-friends with now current gf)

at the time i was already in a “situation-ship” (terrible horrible thank god shes gone) so i would hang out with coworker (female) and gf a-lot as friends we all became really close spent allot of time at each others houses (not mine at the time i had some family problems… don’t even get me started). i would always complain to the two about my horrible “situation-ship” i missed alot of hints for about a month from gf until i finally caught one and we started talking from there. eventually i was over the “situationship” and cut her off and became official with gf. every thing was honestly great for a while.

to give a little context about my gf i will tell u all a little about her. shes shy and quiet but when she gets comfortable with you she becomes this bubbly girl that lovessss hello kitty and video games, loves smoking weed (so do i we are from cali) eating food. shes hilarious and can talk your ear off like crazyyyy. and the cherry on top is that she is sooooooo beautiful and those eyes man. i could stare at them alll day. and i love that she doesnt wear make up (even tho some days i do wish she would on special occasions other then just lashes) o thats another thing she knows how ti do her own lashes!!! (i used to tell her all the time she should try to start a small business) she is just over all this great human being and such a kind soul.

now who wouldn’t fall in-love with a gal like that. she quickly swept me off my feet and i fell in love. she made the first move and she was the one really plotting on me while i was oblivious, growing up as a bigger kid i always was bullied for my appearance. but not her, from the day we met she has made me feel loved for me. and this means a-lot to me because the world is harsh on bigger people (now granted I’m not huge in a unhealthy way, i played sports all my childhood) so its hard not to value people like her.

i immediately thought she was the one and didnt really get to know her life i just kinda went with the flow (this had its ups and downs). throught dating i found out she had dropped out of highschool (a red flag but who am i to judge i’m a broke college drop out) then i also found out she was adopted and had no really family other then her father who was a nice person but often didn’t know how to treat his undiagnosed daughter. this leads me to my next point. her upcoming was very harsh, her mother a tweaker absent for most of her life and the father a pimp who we will never know if he’s even alive. this in my opinion lead to her becoming a mentally troubled person (im not a doctor but ik that trauma will change people). she was also SA in highschool she has trust me with the story but she hasnt told anyone. she wasnt even comfortable with telling her father.

overall alot has happened to my gf in her life before i met her. we both come from troubled backgrounds and i too have some issues but i think i handle and manage them better (not really i just self medicate and its lowk not working anymore)

eventually about halfway into our year and 4 months i would cause our “first” problem. (i say first because i really cause a problem about 2 months into dating by swiping up on someone’s story yes i know im terrible but i quickly learned and apologized as soon as she caught me and i swear on gods green earth i have not been unfaithful since then.) i finally asked how many partners she had been with before me. i didn’t like the awnser but acted like i didn’t care. i would later be microagrresive towards her cause it kind of shattered my mental image of her. (yes im a insecure male sue me) but i eventually got over myself.

i feel like thats about it from my end on the biggest problems i have caused/had in general. overall we have a really healthy relationship when you compare them to most relationships for people my age. she loves me very deeply and so do i. but somehow we always have some static lately. she has always complained about her life being terrible. she recently quit her job because the co workers didnt like her. she overall is a very sensitive person and very emotional.

me personally im a very carefree person when it comes to other peoples opinions in the majority of the time. so seeing her just give up so easily is hard for me to support. for me the way i got thru my hard life was by just pushing through everything. she however always dwindles in the past and all her troubles. i love her very much so i want the best for her. i often try to tell her how to do better for herself but she never does the work. i recently have been thinking she suffers from bpd so ill let her figure it out herself since i know she wont listen to me. i just sit and listen and try to “be there for her” and that has been working. it seems that by just not helping her directly and just being available for IF she wants my help. it helps our relationship stay pretty stable and nice. but im all honesty im becoming unsatisfied with the relationship.

and she definitely noticed/discovered cause this week she went thru my phone and found a note where i wrote my feelings down talking about how all the little fights and stuff where we are incompatible has made me feeling like i have to force myself to love those parts (which i do, love is about loving every part of someone) so she sat me down and ask me directly if i felt like i was forcing myself to love her to which i said no because thats whats true. i love her so very much yes some things i don’t like but isnt that everyone? no one is perfect-we all have flaws don’t we?

shes a great person like i said but i have been starting to feel like i am growing tired of having to hold her hand through life because she hasn’t been getting the help she needs. but i also love her so much so i want to just help her and give her the best but if i were to leave her i feel like i would just add to her plate of stuff she has to deal with in life. I’m so confused on what i should do to help better my life and also better her life. i need some advice.

I am a 43yo man engaged to a 41yo woman. She is one of my sister's best friends and my elderly parents embrace her like a daughter. We dated for two years, and I broke up with her multiple times because I am transparent to a fault and I couldn't handle what I described at the time as her hiddenness, to the point that I even began to speculate about child sexual abuse which she denied. After some time apart, 5 months ago we got back together and within 10 days got engaged. Everything was magical for ten days, and then she suddenly shut down, cancelled her flight twice to live with me while working abroad for three months as we had planned. She eventually came, but then left early, came back, left early again, always offering odd explanations.

We started couples counseling, during which she accused me of fishing for childhood trauma that wasn't there, turning the focus of the therapy onto my suspicions and my "needs to know everything." But after the fourth session, she finally mentioned that "well, yeah, my stepfather inappropriately touched me, but its not some big dramatic trauma." The counselor turned it back on me again instead of asking about that. After the session, my fiancee shared (in sparse detail) the basic facts that from ages 8-12 her stepfather molested her, making her perform sexual acts with him while he manually penetrated her. She told her mom that he made her uncomfortable and her mom's response was to get them to spend more time together, so that finally my partner kept working hard to find reasons not to visit her mom and live full-time with her father in another state. ("yeah but its not like he raped me!" she said, though I am a former criminal prosecutor and know that this is certainly legal rape. When I asked how it affects her today, she said "I've been in therapy about it my whole life - why do you want to rummage in all my secrets?").

I returned home to spend the last month together, and while there were real highs, there was an incredible amount of tension. She accuses me of not being committed to the relationship, frequently citing the fact that I broke up with her multiple times in the past. She is not truthful with me - refusing to talk about relevant information like a past pregnancy, the divorce she is still going through after five years of separation and tells me will be finished any day for the last three months, and not telling me about a negative pregnancy test until I discovered it a week later. She is also dysfunctionally avoidant - promising to do both mundane and very important things (like come to my family's Christmas Eve dinner, email me her divorce agreement that she has told me for months is just waiting to be signed(?), or call her best friend to schedule the wedding venue - having told me every week for three months she would do that). She puts me in the unwanted role of investigator to find out important information, and it feels so unfair. Her guards are so strong that she clearly doesn't feel safe even acknowledging the distrust she has created - to her the whole problem is my commitment.

We have entered the fertility process, and because of our age, are under intense pressure to start IVF this week. I find myself both on the verge of taking the leap of faith and doing the insemination, and simultaneously of leaving the relationship altogether. As I read what I have written above, I lean heavily towards ending the relationship. To me all of these issues are so interlinked, and yet I can't find a way to talk about them without making her feel so attacked and unsafe (she did tell her first counselor that she has never felt safe in any relationship) that we just dig into further anger, resentment, and contempt. For example... She says she's done her healing but won't let me think with her about the child sexual abuse survivor patterns I see dominating our relationship; she says she's "basically divorced" but won't tell me what's actually happening -- finally admitting two days ago with tears that she "wanted to get the closet all cleaned out before inviting me in" (she similarly said she didn't tell me about the negative pregnancy test because she didn't want to give me bad news, which feels to me like saying she will lie about anything unhappy.); she says she's 100% committed and that I'm the one who is not, but all of this feels to me like she is not committed or committed to something other than a marriage that I want, which is what is giving me cold feet. And anger, and confusion.

I really do believe CSA is at the heart of this, but we can't talk about it without her saying "you're just trying to make me the problem - you've got problems, too!" And of course I have to admit that, like everyone, yes, I have problems: I have ADHD, am notoriously indecisive, and over the years have been back and forth in relationships to the point of cruelty - not trusting my own judgment, and am afraid of making the wrong choice. But if she won't enter into dialogue about the reality that CSA is a much bigger beast than e.g., indecisiveness & ADHD, then I don't think we can actually move forward to work on it together. As I put it yesterday, "I don't want you to clean out your closet - I just want you to ask me to hold your hand while we work at cleaning out your closet together."

Tonight we are having the final conversation about whether to start IVF or not. If I say yes, then she will spend $22,000 on the medicine, and we will inseminate. If I say no, she saves the money or makes her own decision about whether to do her own egg retrieval (which reduces her chance of pregnancy from immediate insemination). We both want kids, we both care about each other, and we're both short on time. Of course, we are also both scared about all of it. I am particularly scared because the choice seems to be all on me and I am racked with confusion, guilt & shame, longing, and a sense of failure & shame if I don't do it right next to a sense of dread if we do. Honestly, what I want is to feel like its out of my hands, so I can even sense a fantasy that we try IVF and it doesn't work - that's not a good sign, I know.

I'm desperate for expertise and advice here.

Please help!

Around Feb last year my partner told me that in their first year of university they were raped by one of their friends in their dorm room. When they told me I sat, listened and made sure to give them the safe space they needed. After the incident, they went through with a disciplinary trial at the university that lead to the perpetrator being suspended from the university for some number of years.

My partner has been to, as they described it, "a shit ton of therapy" to heal from this incident. As far as I can tell they have processed their trauma and have moved on, in fact they are able to mention it somewhat casually sometimes. It really doesn't get in the way of our relationship that much.

However, despite initially feeling 'okay' about it, in the past few months or so I have been consumed by intrusive thoughts and images about it happening. It's like anything tangentially related to the incident causes me to think about it. It causes me to experience really high levels of anxiety that get in the way of my life. I lose sleep over it. I feel like my world view has shifted and I no longer see people the same way. When I am intimate with my partner, I feel anxious because I am terrified of doing something to trigger them, and I have anxious thoughts that they're not really enjoying it (despite me not having any evidence to suggest so). Any mention of the word rape, the university they went to, the city the university is in, or the car that they were sat in when they disclosed it to their friend, causes me to feel anxious and think about it. It's like anywhere I turn I am reminded of it.

I just want to post on here to see if anyone is in a similar position where their partner has clearly moved on from this incident, but to you it feels so recent and raw and overwhelming. I feel really alone and isolated in how I feel, I feel like how I feel is wrong, and I am ashamed that I'm bothered by it so much. I have talked to my therapist about it and they suggested finding online if there are others who feel the same, so I feel less alone.

I'm 55m my spouse is 52F. Married 22 years.

Under the age of 10 she experienced repeated SA from a man that her mother lived with. This went on long enough that the man converted the garage to a bedroom she didn't share w/ her younger brother ( who also experienced repeated SA from the man). This made his access to each of them easier.

Her mother denies this ever happened to either of them.

My spouse has had no contact with her mother for most of our marriage.

In her late teens, my spouse was raped by someone she knew.

In her first marriage, her husband abused her verbally, emotionally, and forced her to have sex she didn't want during their marriage.

I learned about this part of her past ~10 years into our marriage. This a few days after our daughter disclosed that her bio dad made her sit on his lap while he watched porn during visitation.

(daughter is from from my spouses first marriage That I adopted about 3 years into our marriage) Tough times, our daughter is healthy and sees a therapist as needed

Flash forward to Cancer diagnosis 7 years ago- the chemotherapy and multiple surgeries to address complications.

Her body connected the trauma due to cancer and the surgeries and the trauma in her own past. She has depression and I am also see what looks like ptsd

She won't go to therapy. Says there is nothing I can do it has nothing to do with me - until I'm the recipient of the rage and other negative feelings. Until she's in bed sick with migraine or throwing up for days.

I need to stay healthy so that I can support her and how do I even do that when she won't talk about it?

Has anyone else here had a male partner who as a child was abused by a male and then experienced sexual disorientation when they began to remember what happened when they were an adult?

Did your relationship survive it? How did you support your partner through this? How did you cope with hurt and heartbreak? How did things work out in the end? Are there any resources you'd recommend checking out?

My ex(m21) and I(f21) had been together for almost three years. He broke up with me a month ago. He was assaulted last April/may, trauma blocked it till September, and told me two weeks after he processed what had happened. We had a rough patch because he felt like me being there for him would drag me down. He had started being weird and wouldn’t talk to me as much and said that he was trying to push me away so I would walk away on my own accord since he knew by him just telling me that he felt he was a burden wouldn’t work. Long story short we talked it out and I told him that while I can’t ever fully understand what he went through, I still want to be there and it doesn’t burden me the way he thought it did. We were good till October because he started going through a manic episode, started acting off of impulse and almost making unsafe choices, and we got through that too. In late November (after thanksgiving) he realized he didn’t love me anymore. He didn’t tell me right away so I’m just saying it now for context, but he told me that he just kind of woke up and didn’t love me romantically anymore. He had been thinking he was aroace for two weeks before he came to this conclusion, which was the only part I knew at the time. Now this next part is really bad and sounds really weird, I know it sounds like an excuse but I swear I’m not crazy lol. The first week of December he had cheated on me and went on two dates with a girl at an old job. I found out from a friend, the morning I was supposed to go talk to him about a breakup, which was decided by both of us at that time. I was going to just suggest a break until I found out. I was able to get into contact with the girl, she said she had no idea that he had a girlfriend since he didn’t have anything posted to socials (which all posts were deleted before he got that job so I know it wasn’t THAT premeditated), and was really hurt as well. They had gone on two dates and nothing happened other than them holding hands and him grabbing her thigh. I go to his house and he tells me that he did it because he felt like I wouldn’t leave him unless he did something bad enough for me to leave. He also said he wanted me to leave because in sixth months he wanted to take his life. First we talked about him wanting to take his life and him getting help. He’s always been scared to get help and both of us have adhd so appointments arent exactly our expertise, but he would use it as a crutch to not get help. I’ve been there in regards to wanting to take my life so he agreed to get help, not just for those who care for him but for himself. Then we discussed the cheating. He said that he didn’t think that I wouldn’t leave him unless he did something unforgivable. I asked why he went on two dates if that was the case, and he said he wanted to have enough evidence of him cheating since nothing happened on the first date and he wanted more text evidence (both of their stories lined up as well). I told him that was stupid and him having half baked ideas when he gets very manic didn’t surprise me. I told him that I wanted a break before I even found out, and that he just needed to give me a chance to talk to him if what he was saying was true. So I said even if I were to believe him, his plan still made no sense and he should be ashamed. He said he agreed and wasn’t proud, especially during the dates. We also talked about self sabotage (as I used to do this a lot before being medicated lol) and how i felt like him doing it gave him more of a reason to kill himself, since he’d feel more guilty. He kinda looked at me wide eyed, like how did you know, and I told him I’ve done everything in the book to find a reason to end it, and have also done bad things as a result. We talked it out more and I honestly think he was telling the truth. He then tells me that he also wanted to break up because he felt like he no longer loved me romantically. That was probably the worst of it, since this was my biggest fear. He said he still loved and cared for me deeply, and would do it all again if he could, but because of what he went through he never wants to be intimate again. I told him that was fine with me and just to have him there was enough but he didnt 100% buy it but I can’t force him to believe it so whatever. He said either way that he can’t romantically be attracted to anyone and doesn’t want to date anyone anymore. He said he still loved me all the times he said he did, the last time being thanksgiving, but after realizing he doesn’t wanna have sex with anyone, he thought about how he couldn’t have any romantic desire and then said that he just woke up and thought about it and didn’t love me in the same way anymore. He also said that these thoughts were never there before his assault when he first brought it up to me in November, and I had told him that I may also be a response to what happened but he got upset. When he told me again this day, and was more open to the idea when I clarified his feelings were still valid which I should’ve done the first time. He said regardless this was how he felt now which I said was okay. My therapist had a session w him and I (she offered it to him to show him that therapy wasn’t as scary as he thought) and decided no contact would be best because I still love him. I’m just having a hard time processing. I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe I need to let go. Prior to this we never had problems and had a really healthy relationship. I really thought we would grow old together. I want to be there to support him too but I can’t because I need to be there for myself too. I told him obviously don’t hesitate if you need me, but I just miss talking to him and calling him after little things happen. I went to him for everything and it just hurts so bad. It’s such a unique experience too so of the three people in my life, only one of them 100% has been able to see things from my perspective as well, and also believes him. I did everything I could to be supportive and it just sucks that things turned out the way it did.

Tldr; my ex broke up with me because he no longer feels that he can love anyone romantically anymore, including myself. This is because of his assault and not wanting anyone to touch him which I completely understand but it’s just hard mourning the life we had together. He was my best friend. Just wanted to know what people who may have a better time understanding think. Sorry for the essay lol I’ve been dying to get this out.

Hey I'm boy. I live with my aunt alone in small city. Im shy and very introvert type boy, don't have friends in school also alone. During my lunch break I got bullied/molested by group of students in school. How should I avoid them. What should I do??

I’m a survivor myself but looking for ways to better support my loved ones. I’m still stuck in my abusive situation and will be running away soon, and this has placed a massive amount of stress and fear on those around me. I’m really worried for them. I just learned that my girlfriend’s attempted to take her life twice over this, and apparently nearly succeeded, and I just found out yesterday. She’s since gone low to no contact with everyone in her life, including me.

The rest of my closest friends have stopped talking to me as much because of this as well, and I’m worried for them too. It’s also stressing them out a ton. I’m really scared for all of them.

My girlfriend’s been the most important person in my life since the 5th grade I can’t lose her. I can’t lose any of my friends I’ve known them for nearly as long. I don’t want any of my loved ones to be in danger. My parents managed to almost kill my girlfriend without even lifting a finger and I want to kill them over it.

How would I better support them? I just want them all to be ok. None of them deserve this. What are things that you guys would like for support from your loved one that’s going through this? Sorry if this kind of post isn’t allowed here

hey yall, if partners of survivors can’t post here i understand i couldn’t find it in the rules but im at a loss here and i need some advice.

im in a lesbian relationship, we’re both in our twenties, my partner is a victim of CSA by her brother. she’s adopted, her brother SA’d her throughout childhood, her parents knew and did nothing (lots of preference for him because he was biological). it’s disgusting. makes me so angry for her but i try to not let my own feelings show too much.

before me, she was never touched by any of her partners. with me, she opened up and wanted to be touched by me.

the first 10 months of our relationship we had a great sex life. she initiated constantly, seemed so incredibly attracted to me, wanted me all the time everywhere, was almost hypersexual, always complimenting me and always turned on for me.

we had some roadblocks with her not orgasming for a few months and that led me to feeling like maybe she’s not into me and i did question her sexuality and feelings and i regret that deeply but ultimately we worked through it and our sex life remained the same.

but suddenly, a few months ago, she started gaining weight and mentally wasn’t doing well, and declared that her trauma was making it difficult for her to have sex because i triggered her by questioning why she wasn’t cumming months and months ago.

so now, since the summer (so like 6months), we barely have sex. when we do, she cries after (allegedly about the trauma), it’s awkward and feels like she’s just doing it to cater to me which i don’t want. i want her to feel good. i want her to enjoy sex like she used to. when we talk about it, it ends with her telling me to “just be patient” and that she doesn’t want to have sex because she doesn’t want to think about what happened to her.

i understand all of her feelings but the one thing i cant wrap my head around which leads me to feeling angry and resentful is that this is a new problem over old trauma. she was so into me for 10 months, i dont understand how all of a sudden the trauma is affecting her?

does anyone have any advice? i’m so angry and also paranoid that she’s lying to me and that she’s just not into me anymore but everytime i try and discuss it it circles back to her trauma and she insists she’s very attracted to me.

we’re in couples therapy and individual therapy. clearly it’s not helping but it hasn’t been that long.

any advice or insight is appreciated. :(

I don't know a good way to start this. A few years back, I found out my ex-coworker was r*** when she was 14. I had 2 hours of sleep the night before, had worked a morning shift, and had some strong coffee, making me manic and paranoid. I was originally in a highly elevated mood to talk to her, but then my gut told me something. I decided to ask what kind of trauma she had been through, and she said she wasn't a very traumatized person and gave me some otherwise light examples. I then said I thought she might have been r***, and she said she was, but wasn't traumatized by it(probably a lie). I remember my heart shattering and my view of humanity sinking. She said it wasn't aggressive, but I'm guessing she was saying that to make me feel better. To this day, I still have images in my head and intrusive thoughts of what happened. It's not my place to know, and this should be more about her and her recovery, but this will probably always bother me in the back of my mind. I had feelings for her, which I admitted to that night, but I knew I could never be with her. She was married, but I thought I should share. She didn't seem to be disturbed by my confession, however, but I don't, and I don't need to know what she was feeling because those are her private feelings. It just made me learn about the incident worse. She didn't seem to be uncomfortable sharing it with me, though, but I don't know if that was genuine either. It doesn't matter because it's her issue, and I have no right knowing how vulnerable she really was because it's her story to keep. It just still bothers me to this day to have intrusive thoughts and images in the back of my mind of what might have happened. I know details shouldn't be speculated about, but my mind always goes to more aggressive and painful depictions. Maybe I should keep this feeling around so I can be aware. I just wish I could know the extent of the SA, so this cycle, in my mind, would end. I don't talk to her anymore out of respect for her boundaries and any hard feelings of her past experiences. I know I should have never asked. This is something I just have to live with. I just thought I should share my experience.

TW for sexual assault.

I’ve [34M] been with my gf [31F] for 7 months now. The whole time, she’s been honest about her ex being in her life as a part of her friend group. Tbh outside of the initial, fleeting feelings of jealousy that are to be expected it’s not a big deal. We had one thing happen that I’ll mention below that was a minor problem, but no real issue. I’ve seen him around, talked to him and his gf, all that, we’re friendly in general.

She told me about some things that went bad with them in the past, likewise I’ve reciprocated: I’ve had some very toxic, abusive partners in my recent past and some things related to it that we had to work through. For her and with him, there were arguments, times when he would do shitty things like drink and go out all night, bring people over to party when she didn’t want them there, how he could get ugly when drunk, demean her. But never anything like screaming or hitting (I dealt with these in the past, whatever that’s worth).

Every so often, we’ll talk about our past experiences. One of the things I’ve made a priority is active consent, trust and safety, as I lacked those in my last two relationships - they are the most important part of a relationship and she’s a safe/healthy/trustworthy partner.

There were times she described with her ex where she had sex with him and didn’t want to, usually after arguments, but didn’t explicitly say no or ever communicate after that she didn’t want it, talk about boundaries etc. We’ve had long conversations about this and my own related experiences.

The problem: recently, talking through a part of one of these experiences, I realized the way she had been describing it was… not entirely accurate. It’s like a couple extra pieces of context gave me a full picture, that it wasn’t just her not communicating that she didn’t want sex, he actively assaulted her while she was asleep. They had argued, weren’t talking the whole day, then when she was asleep he was intoxicated he did things to her without her consent. It seems so clear cut to me, but maybe I’m going crazy, I can’t tell anymore. I think he did this other times as well.

She described it as ‘physical consolation’ when she first mentioned it, which made me have a visceral disgust response (towards his actions) and feel very sad that she’s had to frame it this way to cope. She wouldn’t let me say she’s taking self-blame that she doesn’t deserve, she wants to use the word ‘accountability’, as in holding herself accountable for not stopping it. It’s breaking my heart now that I’m realizing this. Before, it seemed like a relationship that had gone bad at points, but this is so clearly over the line takes on different meaning.

We went through all this and why she’s still talking to him, and a big part of it is that this is a way to prove to herself she’s not a victim, that nothing bad actually did happen if they can be friends. There are other aspects that she’s holding onto, like that he saved her basically during the pandemic and gave her a place to stay when she was essentially stranded, helped her with school, and that he’s in her friend group.

It’s just… a lot. I am mad at everyone, myself for not being perfect at navigating this, and allowing myself to say directly to her that it was assault (I should have let her continue with her framing of it, which protects her). And for not seeing it sooner. Her for what feels like deceiving me, having me interact with him while not knowing this.

There was a time she got together with him alone for a meal and gave me very little notice when she asked if it was ok - it’s something that hurt me, and felt disrespectful. Didn’t give me the time or space to talk it through. We had to work through all that and we did with careful communication and boundaries. It all feels different now that I know this. I don’t really have a right to be mad at her but I am.

And of course, I’m mad at this dude. I wish I could go back in time and stop all of it.

I’ll probably end up deleting this post after a bit but I need some external feedback. If you’ve gone through anything like this please tell me how you dealt with it.

TL;DR! talking with gf about our pasts, realized her ex who we see every so often assaulted her. having a hard time knowing how to be there for her but also process it myself

About 25 years ago, my older sister confided in my mother and I that she had been a preteen/teen CSA victim of an uncle by marriage. For context, she is my half sister as we have different fathers (only relevant for this discussion as we consider ourselves full sibs, two great dads, etc.). The uncle is the husband of my father’s sister. She told us he groomed her at age 12 and the relationship continued until she was in her late teens. He had access to her because she was very unhappy with our mother’s second marriage at the time, 1960s, and my father’s mother had a homestead of sorts, a large house with a few suites and bedrooms where she would take in renters and borders with her. Kind of like Europeans and Americans did back in the 30s/40s when it was safer to do so. Grandma’s hotel I would say. Grandma took in my sister and at the time this seemed to be the viable solution for everyone.

Fast forward to today uncle is still alive, and still married to my dad’s sister who have lived in the same house since the 70s. They have several beautiful successful children and adult grandchildren that are thriving in great marriages. My cousins adore their aged father (uncle). My mother passed in recent months. Prior to her passing we would still see “the family” ( which consisted of many other of my dad’s family: brothers, other sister and their children). I’d say on average 2 times a year with maybe a quarterly phone call. My aunt has a bit of the old west, Bonanza syndrome, a self- appointed queen bee of the extended family keeping connections together. She can be very intrusive and demanding of information at times, and comes out with bossy demands immediately on matters none of her business. “Your third cousin twice removed died. Why didn’t you attend the funeral?”. Uncle has cared for her since the 60s. She never worked; however my mother was the RBG independent woman era lady and raised me to be the same. We both were life long career people, and she had to work as my father passed in the 1980s.

My mother went through extensive grief over learning about this incident and in our immediate family we spent years supporting my sister in the healing process. My mother agonized over any approach she should take about sharing this information with the now somewhat distant relatives, and she and I agreed we wanted to protect his children, and my sister, ourselves from fallout. Over 35 years had passed when we found out. We felt since there was limited proof the decision to come forward would be on the part of my sister, and my sister agreed.

My mother and I would coach ourselves before any family gatherings where he would be present about how we would interact, complete with scripted conversations and buzz words to help one another through the process.

After my mother passed his children, my cousins, came out of the woodwork (2023). Calling, inviting me everywhere, telling me I couldn’t live alone, push push push. I knew this was generated by their intrusive mother. I sensed they had me slated for assisting them with their own upcoming parental care, among other problem dumping as this is how my parents were treated back in the day. I said no and eventually cut them off. The one dinner I attended post funeral uncle was there and I was terrified. Without my mother I can no longer do this- act as if and be in the same room with him. My sister also has been so supportive making sure I’m ok, etc. and vice verse. I felt I had to make a choice. To keep peace I’ve told my cousins I just need space during my bereavement.

The issue impacts seeing all my father’s other family as you can’t attend any event without my aggressive aunt inserting herself in the middle of everything and quiet, surreptitious aging uncle in tow. This is so difficult. I’ve shut down with my father’s family. I just cannot handle this alone. But I’ve had to throw the baby out with the bath water. I’ll be grateful when uncle has just passed.

Thoughts?

I've been struggling with sex since my mum told me that my estranged father, her and one of my aunts were victims of possible CSA.

She told me when I was having anxiety attacks in front of her. I suffer from numerous mental illnesses. But, she doesn't think that I've been through anything in life that would justify me saying I have trauma or having the extreme breakdowns I have. She's been through worse than me. She plays the trauma olympics and doesn't feel any sympathy towards the things I struggle with.

When I'm masturbating or having sex, I get flashbacks of me crying and her just telling me these things. My mind goes wild and images myself as the younger version of my father or mother and then I get completely turned off. It's been going on for years and I don't know where to even start to heal from this.

She wasn't specific so I don't know how young they were, how long it lasted. I couldn't ask questions because I was crying so hard I couldn't even breath. I'm scared to start any conversation around the topic because she gets very aggressive when I ask about sensitive subjects.

One of the last things she said before leaving me alone in my room was that I should have protected her. I didn't even exist then and I don't know why she said that. I don't even know what to feel or do about all of this.

My cousing (19M) is presenting inappropriate behavior around family women, let's call him "A".

His brother (32M) is recently married (31F) and we had a dinner (cousins only) at their apartment, last month or so. We all got pretty drunk that day and "A" slept there, since its his brother's apartment.

I was told that night he tried to get in bed with his brother's wife, while she was wearing just her underwear. (It would be weird enough anyways). He thought she was asleep, but she wasn't and obviously told him to get the fuck out of their bedroom. She got pretty messed up afterwards, specially because it triggered her about past events in life.

I wasn't meant to know about this, but she told me, so i acted as normal as i could on christmas. "A" was there, but his brother and the wife wasn't.

The thing is, after christmas on the 25th, "A" stayed at my parent's house (where the party took place) for a few days, since he's on vacation.

How fucking shocked was I when my MOM called me yesterday to say her and my dad had a fight because my dad said to her that "A" is acting weird around her and "rubbing himself" against her. She's feeling so bad about all of this and i think it's hard for her to understand he's no longer a child and can be a predator.

The new year's eve party was going to be at my parents place as well, but my mom just cancelled it. I'm seriously worried about her, my cousin's wife and above this, i'm worried about how he acts when he's not around family, because if thats how he acts when he is...

I don't know what to do, if I should even do something about this, I seriously don't know.

I told her about what happened and that my dad may be right about that he saw. I don't know exactly what happened, didn't talk to my dad about it and don't know if i should.

My family is used to be really private about anything that's meant to be private (my mom hardly talks to me about their relationship or anything like that) so now i feel like i know too much to stay out of it.

Can you give me your pov on all of this? I'm sorry if this post makes any of you feel bad, i just don't even know who to talk to

My name is Michelle Glover and I am a trainee counselling psychologist conducting doctoral research at Middlesex University and the Metanoia Institute. I am also a practising UKCP registered psychotherapist and BACP registered counsellor; I’ve worked in mental health services for over 20 years.

I would very much like to hear about your experience if you:

• Currently are, or ever have been, in therapy, and
• Can recall one or more instances when your therapist was, or tried to be, humorous; this may include your therapist making jokes, playing on words, using sarcasm, or laughing during sessions.

In speaking with you, I hope to better understand how you felt your relationship with your therapist was impacted by your therapist’s humour. With your help, I aim to develop a theory, and ultimately training, to support qualified and trainee therapists to recognise if, when, and how, therapist humour may influence clients’ perceptions of their relationship with their therapist.

My research includes an initial 15-minute conversation to talk about what is involved and a screening process to discuss eligibility. Please note, at the time of interview, all participants must be in the United Kingdom and over 18 years old.

If you have any questions, or are interested in sharing your experience with me in a confidential, one-hour, one-to-one online interview, please:

• Email: humour.in.therapy@gmail.com
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My research has received ethical approval from both Middlesex University and The Metanoia Institute.

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Michelle

This is not about me (F27) but my boyfriend (M31). We are currently living together and are serious. He had told me that he has been a victim of child sexual abuse (not in detail, but when we were somewhat into dating, he shared this with me via text and begged me not to ask questions which I respected). AND, HE HAS NOT SHARED THIS INFORMATION WITH ANYONE ELSE.

Just for some background, we are Asian, and this kind of things are rarely spoken out loud. He had undergone this experience when he was around 10 years of age (once again, I only have limited details), and he has not shared much details with me while having conversations. Well, it is my fault, we were casually laying on the bed and I asked about his previous relationships with girls (and guys, we are both bisexual), and he was very silent when I asked about girls (I FORGOT!).

So, the only girl he has been with is his SA, a relative of his, around 8 years older than him, and though he didn’t mention anything in detail, he was crying his eyeballs out.

I tried to console him, and he told that he will share tiny details with me of what happened little by little, and all I could say was that he could take all the time in the world and I would always be there for him. His concern is that I would judge him for what happened (I really don’t), and he has tried to avoid these memories by thinking they were all a dream.

I am now a little afraid that when we have s3x I might trigger something. I want to make sure that he feels that I love him, and that I would never hurt him. I need some guidance on how to help his little heart, though he is a grown man, he  becomes a kid whenever he remembers these things.

Apparently therapy isn’t an option since as Asians, men are expected to be some way. I am totally against it and would be willing to anything to help him and make him relieve the pain but I am totally lost.

This is just… a raw memory from when I was a kid, and it's still really hard to deal with. I was six when it happened, and it’s probably one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me. I don't remember much before, but what I do remember is being scared out of my mind, being forced into a van with my mom. I was just a little kid, and I remember being all snuggled up in her arms as these two men pushed us into the back. I remember the darkness in that car and the fear, and how helpless I felt as they drove us away. When they finally stopped, my mom tried to act like she wasn’t scared. I still remember what she told me that night, ‘Everything’s going to be okay, baby. Mommy just has to help these men with something real quick. I’ll be right back.’ She kissed me, she even smiled a little, and then she got out of the van with them. I remember feeling like something was off, but I believed her. I'll never forget the look on her face when she left with those men.

I was left alone in the van, and they went inside this abandoned house. It was cold and the van just smelled like liquor and cigarettes. I was just a little kid, sitting there confused and waiting for my mom to come back. The windows were all dirty, so I couldn't see what was happening, but I could hear weird, muffled sounds. It was like, she wasn't crying or anything, but whatever they were doing, it just didn't sound right. It just made me feel sick, you know? I just sat there, alone and scared, wishing she would come back soon.

Then, she came back, but she was like a different person. She looked vacant, emotionless, like… gone. She tried to smile, but her eyes just looked…broken. She just said she had to help them with something and that it was done, and I still didn't understand what was happening. I remember noticing a big, dark, wet patch in the crotch of her denim shorts. I just remember the fear, the way she looked, the sadness, and that patch. That's a memory I hate, it’s one that will probably never go away.

As a grown up man, i've become overly protective of the women in my life, to the point where it's borderline controlling almost. I'm still working on it though but sometimes the guilt of not being able to help or even protect them just messes me up so bad. Been going to the gym a lot these past few years trying to work on myself to become stronger just in case. I know there are bad people out there and i wish i could do something about it but i'm just one man in this world. I don't think this guilt will ever go away and to be honest, somedays i just want to give up.

This all happened in 2007 and i was 6 at the time and she was 24. She is alive and well today but sometimes i tend to distance myself from her because the memories and the intense flashbacks just overwhelms me. Do you guys have any advice or have been through something similar?

I (23M) had a fight with my girlfriend (22F) last week, and left for the weekend. While I was gone my roommate SA’d her.

We’ve since gotten back together and worked past the conflict, in part due to her telling me that it happened.

As the title states, I can’t stop thinking that if I hadn’t left her it wouldn’t have happened.

It happened when she came back to my house to collect some of her things, as at that point she wasn’t certain we would get back together.

Without going into too much detail he coerced her into it. I feel especially shitty because while I wasn’t certain, I had an idea that he’d done this type of thing before, but I turned a blind eye to it because he was my friend.

I feel like our fight wasn’t even close to big enough for me to leave. I just wanted space, but ever since it happened, I can’t get these violent thoughts towards him out of my head.

I had been friends with him for around 15 years. I’ve since moved out of that house, and I’m definitely trying to cope. I just consistently have daydreams and actual dreams about causing him pain, because he hurt my girlfriend.

Does anyone else share this experience or have any ideas on how to get past it? I’m just so angry and I don’t see myself getting through it without seriously hurting him.

My sibling (21F) just revealed to me (30F) that she was sexually assaulted at the age of 4 by a man who was a tenant in our home. This news has devastated me beyond words and I don't know how to carry on knowing that this happened to her, much less what to do to help her. Please please please if anyone could provide me with some advice on how to best help her.

To give some context, my sister told me this last night after an argument we had while both visiting our parents house for the holidays. She told me that when she was 4, she was assaulted multiple times (but wouldn't specify how many) by a man who was a tenant in our house. She said that she doesn't remember who the guy was (there were multiple men who rented out rooms in the floor below us in our 2 family home, while we lived in the floor above) but that it happened when she went downstairs to go hang out with them. Once she saw I was freaking out, she tried to downplay it so I'm not sure how much of her not remembering is true or if it's her just trying to protect me and my family from feeling like the abuse was our fault (I do feel that it was my fault and I don't know how to live with that).

She made me promise not to tell anyone, not even our parents and she claims that she doesn't even think about it unless the topic of child molestation comes up in conversation. When she told me, I was crying hysterically and she told me to stop so our parents wouldn't overhear and she told me the best thing I could do for her right now is to pretend she didn't say anything at all and act normal towards her. So that's what I tried to do, but it was difficult to cover up how I was feeling and I could tell she was talking a mile a minute about other things to try to cover up how she actually felt. I have no idea what I can do to help her.

She suffers from mental health issues, specifically OCD, but she thinks it's not related to the abuse. Otherwise, she's very successful academically and has many friends. However, I've noticed that she has always been withdrawn, specially in the context of romantic relationships. She told me that us talking more about what happened would make things feel worse for her so I stopped asking her more questions (especially because due to her OCD, she can have compulsive thought spirals and I didn't want to create one about the abuse by forcing her to talk/think about it). She agreed to see a therapist about this but has been skirting the issue of making an appointment. I'm her big sister and I feel as though I've failed in every way to protect her and I want to do anything I possibly can to help her. I'm not sure if ignoring the issue like she requested, will necessarily be helpful to her trauma but I also don't know? And I want to respect her wishes and not turn something that she claims to have gotten over from 17 years ago into a bigger deal that makes it harder for her to get over (due to her tendency to ruminate/OCD).

I want to find the perpetuator and press criminal charges but I don't think that would be helpful to her and would actually make things worse.

I also don't know if I should keep acting like everything is okay, because I don't want her to think this isn't the biggest deal of my whole life (because it is.) but I also don't want to put her in a position where she has to re-live the incidents or ruminate on them in a way that would make her feel worse.

I'm currently in the process of trying to find her a good therapist. But besides that I'm at a loss. I would really appreciate any advice from survivors on how I can best help her, in big ways and small ways.

T.W CSA. Domestic abuse.

I was directed to posting here... I hope I have found the right place.

This is going to be a long one and I apologise. Also I'm on mobile so please forgive any formatting.

I (F40) am a parent to four beautiful kiddos ranging from 16 to 4. They are not my biological children, I am infertile and I fostered my children before adopting them. My partner (M50) has two kids of his own. We have been together for 7 years.

Previously I was married to a man (M55) that I met when was 15. He was my manager. I married him when I was 17. We were married for 17 years when I finally got the courage to end our marriage. There was a lot of control and emotional abuse in the relationship and I carry a lot of baggage from it.

When I started my current relationship, my ex had decided he did not want to parent anymore. My partner took on my kiddos as his own, qualified as a carer with us and we've been doing life loud and messy ever since.

About a year into this new relationship, my ex husband resurfaced and expressed deep regret for walking away from the children. I was hesitant at first, you don't get to come in and out of kids lives on a whim and especially with kids with trauma. I was mindful about severing my eldest sons relationship with my ex. He was on paper, his dad and I thought I was doing the right thing by allowing this man back into our lives.

My partner was very hesitant. He expressed his concerns and we did fight about it, but he ultimately accepted my choice in allowing him access to the children and later, agreed that my decision was the right one by the kids.

Every week my ex would come to our home and visit with the kids. Sometimes he'd come twice a week, but mostly it would be weekly. He'd bring sweets for the kids, hang out for a few hours and then go home. He got remarried and we worked on our relationship forming a good friendship. We spent Christmas and birthdays and weekend sports events together. He was there for first days of high school and primary for the other kids. He was as involved as I would let him. He never had them overnight as he was adamant that his new wife did not accept the kids as his and so this is how we did it.

Several months ago, my daughter disclosed to me that my ex husband had been abusing her. He would be upstairs with her under the guise of cleaning her bedroom and would take his opportunity there.

I think the night she disclosed to me is the most traumatic moment in my entire life.

Police interviews, arrests and now court cases have been our lives for the last 7 months. 7 months of pure hell and we are decimated. There are other charges that are very serious. Turns out I did not know who this monster really is. Hiding in plain sight. The most disgusting of humans to exist.

Not only am I carrying my daughter's trauma I am very fast realising that I was his first victim. He groomed me. He kept me under his control for such a long time and even when I got out I can see that he never really ever let go of that control. I have two therapists, I am barely functioning as a human.

Last week my partner and I had an awful argument. It quickly went from being about nothing to a screaming match where he admitted that he blames me for my daughter being molested. If I had listened to him six years ago, she would have been safe. I am at fault here.

It wasn't a one off said in the heat of the moment, but something he was been feeling for a while.

I know rationally it's not my fault... But in my heart, I feel that guilt and it's overwhelming. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.

I was so hurt. I am so hurt. Because if the person who loves me believes that, then it must be true right? I cannot carry his blame as well as mine. It's too heavy.

So I panicked and I took flight. I packed up mine and the kids stuff and I left.

We didn't talk for a week (apart from court updates) and on Friday I went and tried to fix it. Fix us.

He's so angry. Hurt. It seems that i have followed a pattern in our relationship where I have refused to listen to him about anything big or important when it comes to the kids and I acknowledge that I have. I had this mentality after my ex that no one would tell me what to do or how to do it and I didn't realise I've been damaging our relationship by doing so. Big fumble on my behalf. Understandable, but still very hurtful for my partner.

Leaving in his eyes was the most hurtful thing to him.

We agreed to work on us for our family and because we do still love each other very much, but I am at the point where I don't know where to go or even how to do that. He wants space and to go slow and I feel rejected and heartbroken and so very alone.

I think he's depressed and is carrying his trauma badly but he will not seek any more therapy. I am loathed to add any more counselling to my already extensive therapy sessions.

I also know that this is way about Reddit's pay grade but I don't have anyone else to talk to. My family while great, do not accept his blame and are angry with him. Justified maybe a little bit, but there is no instruction booklet on this (oh how I wish there was) and I understand and accept his anger even though it hurts desperately in an already painful situation.

So... What do I do? How do I not feel this blackhole inside me anymore? It's going to eat me alive.

Hi! I’ve posted here before but i am 16f and my bf is 17m and we have been dating for almost a year now! (dec 27th marks the year) We have each others passwords to everything and we both make it clear we do not care what the other person does. For context, my boyfriend is extremely close with his Puerto Rican family. His “brother” who is I believe 20m is the guy he used to idolize and look up to. He is not his technical brother, he is his technical uncle. I have heard bad things about him from his close friends, and have heard personal stories from my bf that he has told him explicit details about his sexual experiences. (Ex: About how he had sex with a girl, how he left a girls house due to her not wanting to engage sexually, etc)

I know this part was bad on me but for some reason I had an urge to look through chats and saved messages from a while ago(2020-2022) with his “brother” and found some pretty disgusting and disturbing things. I saw probably over 50 naked women and porn videos being sent to eachother as a “joke.”

Personally, I do not like porn. Just my personal preference, don’t want my man watching it or engaging with it. Fair enough, and he agrees and respects my boundaries. The disturbing part to it, was that a lot of the videos that looked like they were sent to my boyfriend and he saved them and shared them. I know my bf would have been 13-14 so not emotionally mature whatsoever but still, I find it super weird that they were exchanging that as FAMILY. I feel like his “brother” was encouraging and telling him this was okay.

The most confusing part is my bf is not sexual at all, never has been sexually active, and has never been with himself either before me. He’s not a typical sexual person. So he wasn’t watching porn and enjoying it, he was sending porn to impress others and seem “normal.” But should I be concerned of a weird uncle? There were multiple chats like “I’m talking to mad hoes rn they are so fine.” Which obviously sucks to see bc this isn’t how he thinks. This whole situation makes me feel sick to my stomach and I know he’s not like this now like I’ve truly changed this man’s perspective but how should I view this because it’s making me feel sick. I feel like he was trying to impress him because he looked up to him and let me tell you his “brother” is a bad dude and enables the perverted behavior.

His “brother”does not respect women. I think this behavior was copied by him, which scares me because I feel like that’s not normal for family. Is this weird? Are my feelings valid? Please help!

(Also I understand that I shouldn’t have looked and it’s his past, morals aside should I beware this “brother?” They haven’t spoken in about a year.