I have been in love with my best friend (40yo M) the past 7 years. When I first met him, he had depression which I helped him through. He then started taking anti depressants which he said impacted his libido. He was still anxious and hypervigilant and I continued to support him through anything which made his life difficult on a daily basis. Our relationship was never physical and I wanted to give him space and not put him under any pressure but I fell in love with him regardless because he is a wonderful person and I love spending time with him, and we have a close emotional connection. We spent a lot of time together, seeing each other every Thursday and Saturday nights and almost every day during holidays.

At the beginning of this year, when he was planning a trip to the US, his Mum sister disclosed to him that he had been sexually abused by a family friend when he was 10 when the family was on a trip to the US. He had no memory of it until then, but started to remember some of what had happened. He hasn't really started to face what happened in his sessions with his psych, and got upset when I referred to what happened as trauma.

Recently, he told me that he had signed himself up to a dating app because he thinks he might be gay but he's not sure. He's working through low libido and intimacy issues and thinks this might be the answer. I'm supportive that he needs to work this out for himself, but suspect that it is sexual disorientation informed by his trauma rather than him only realising he is gay in his 40s. I have told him that I'm in love with him and that it really hurts me that he is dating other people, and asked if we could work through these issues together in a way that wouldn't hurt me and damage our relationship but he said it was important for him and he wants to keep going. I know I need to put boundaries in place to protect my own heart but I'm still feeling really conflicted about whether I should just move on or wait and see what happens. I know it could be a long time before he sorts through this and he may never love me back but everything feels so uncertain atm and I still love him and want him in my life. What should I do?

My bf (M29) and I (F23) have been together for about a year and a half. We've been long distance for a little over a month because he's abroad visiting family.

He messaged me and told me that his minor cousin (F12) touched him and finished him off while he was sleeping. He woke up in the middle of it but was afraid so he pretended he was asleep until she left. He said he enjoyed it in the moment but he felt so wrong and helpless. I told him his feelings were valid and he didn't have to tell his family if he didn't want to. I wanted him to know that regardless of what he did or didn't do in the moment, it wasn't his fault. However, the part where he said he enjoyed it, really hurt for me to read. I know physical stimulation doesn't mean emotional pleasure but that was like a punch in the gut. And then he asked me to dirty talk about the situation because it would help him work through it. This hurt even more. I told him I felt wrong doing that but he begged me saying he needed it.

That's when I questioned if all of this was real. I know that's a shitty thing to ask a SA victim, but I couldn't fathom him wanting to relive that?? I apologized, I knew I was in the wrong for saying it. And so I went through with the dirty talk over messages, but I was sobbing the whole time. I was heartbroken that he wanted me to sexually arouse him about the very thing that violated him (his 12 year old cousin). I don't know if that's selfish of me. I don't know how to help him process his emotions and I don't know how to navigate my own.

I guess what I'm looking for is some guidance on what to do as his girlfriend. Maybe what do I do in general? But also I would appreciate some insight that would help me understand why he requested that.

My(M) friend(F) got SA'd (R'd) by a man a few months ago. She told me about it the day it happened, I believed her and listened to her. And made it clear that it wasn't her fault. We talked about it a few times soon after that too.

The thing is, it does not come up anymore, and I am wondering if I should bring it up. Like, ask how she's doing. Recently, we've been hanging out and having fun but I can help but feel like we are acting like nothing happened. Should I just go on like that and wait for her to bring it up as feelings arise? Or should I check in?

It doesn't help that I feel partially guilty because I encouraged her to see the guy, since they hit it off, and she seemed into him, but that's another topic I think.

When she was 10-12 her brother asked/convinced her to do sexual things to him. It was never forceful but she was a child and he was around 15. They had sex and did oral stuff. They haven’t done anything since she was a child.

He still preys on her, (she’s 19 now) like a few months ago he was making hypothetical scenarios where she would “have to have sex with him”. He’s in her life and when he’s alone he asks her these weird sexual questions and has admitted to being a sex addict.

She isn’t affected by it anymore she says and has no affect on our sex life.

It makes me sick to death worried when she’s at weekly family events with him, because she’s my girlfriend and I don’t want anyone else to speak to her or do anything like that to her.

But I also get this weird jealous feeling that I feel really guilty about. (NOT of rape). She just made a joke about how she sucked his dick before and it just made me feel really weird. Especially since we’ve only had sex twice and she’s never given me oral properly, yet she’s done all that stuff with her own brother?? I feel like a bad person for comparing it but yet I still do. Any advice is appreciated

This story is a long one.

I had known J (The Rapist) for 20 years when the allegations started, we had been friends since primary school. I was drawn to his humour, the way in which he flaunted authority and above all else what I thought was his loyalty. In that time we had fallen out a lot, namely around the fact that as young teenagers he attempted to fit in with a more popular crowd by denegrating me and others, it took for me to break his nose to get through to him that I wasn't going to let him push me around. After this he stopped trying to be dominant, and we began to be true friends. We lived in a small town on the edge of a vast countryside and I have many happy memories of us walking all day to random sites with no meaning to anyone, just the thrill of exploration and to enjoy the chaos of nature. He was always provocative with people we met around the town, a natural wind up. Watching him get into fights with people over the most stupid shit made us all laugh more than anything. We played games like " brick in the dark" where a small group of us would gather in the park at night and throw a brick in the air and the first person to move was chicken. We would break into industrial sites for the thrill of the chase when the security guards would come after us.

It was wild and exciting,, there was a degree to which all of us were trying to get away from something at home, we would spend inordinate amounts of time out of the house, sneaking out after our parents had gone to sleep, much preferring the company of each other to that of our families. In our time we shared our deep feelings, another friends Dad passed away and we helped him deal with his grief, distracted him with complete sympathy. We talked about girl trouble, and issues with jealousy and possessiveness that teenage boys have to come to terms with. He had a streak of mysogny I tried to chastise out of him, I would often say "Women are a lot like us, give them the respect they deserve" and "don't be a pig". We went our separate ways when we were 16, I went to an academic college while he went to the world of work. When I broke up with my first proper girlfriend he stood by me as bitterness ensued in our friendship group. We shared our first hand experiences of domestic violence, got drunk for the first time together and got high a lot in those few years before I moved away from that town to go to University.

Even while I was away, we kept in touch everyday. Speaking on the phone, playing games online, being nostalgic about our tear away past. I would see him when I visited home, but as we grew older this became less and less as I settled into a new life 4 hours away. We both got busy working, having serious relationships. He started to spiral pretty soon after I left... He told me he had shared nudes of his girlfriend online and I was furious. I told him it was a horrible thing to do to a person who meant so much to him, that it was scummy, criminal and stupid. he seemed to acknowledge it, he would ring me in tears saying he'd blown his life up and she was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he even threatened suicide more than once. I tried to console him with promise of fresh starts and moving on, finding purpose. But he seemed to internalise the guilt. He fell into drugs in a bad way, went through jobs never lasting more than a year in any role and I stood by him, offering advice and support trying to be a good friend at a distance. I knew I was getting into a profession, and had to put him behind me to some extent but always kept being pulled back by our common history and love of rebellion.

In 2020, he came up to visit me for the last time, he seemed more stable than he had been, had a job, his own place and told me about a girl who he was friendly with and wanted to get into a relationship with, she had a kid and was a stable person who got him. He had aspirations of being a father with her. A few months later J rang me in a panic, crying "She's saying I raped her, why would I do that? Why would I do that and take her kid to school?" I asked him what happened, he said they'd been drinking and he and a pal had gone back to her place, the pal left and she carried on drinking but he wasn't (he had stopped drinking alcohol a few years before, preferring to smoke instead) and then they had sex. Already for me there were holes in the story, and I told him so, as he'd told me that it hadn't progressed the way he wanted to, why did it happen when she was so drunk? When the kid was upstairs? I tried to calm him down but also told him I didn't like the sound of it and left it at that. I cut regular contact at that point, and was dismissive of his messages. The allegations against him gathered strength and my Mother asked me about the incident having heard about it from one of the victims friends. And then came the killer blow, my younger sister told me that he had sexually assaulted her 3 years before when she was 16. I called him, asked him straight about that and the other lady the first words that came out of his mouth were "she's lying!" Why would she lie? Why would she do that to me and to him, who she had known for as long as she could remember? It then became apparent that there was no remorse in him, no care for our friendship, for the years of loyalty I had shown him. He was a predator, a predator I had invited into my house and who abused my trust.

Last week, he was convicted of the rape and sentenced to 7 years and 8 months. It took 3 years to get the conviction, he's got nothing for what he did to his ex or to my sister. At first I was elated that he was convicted, that maybe this was the start of forgetting about the whole rotten business. But now I feel great sadness, that a part of my childhood that I treasured has been tainted by what he did. Guilt, that I didn't listen to the red flags I now can see so clearly and that my ignorance led to him damaging my family. I wonder if I knew he was capable of it or not. I'm conflicted about my identity in relation to his.

What does it say about me that I could be friends with someone who could do something so heinous?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for around three months. Seriously talking for around eight. A few nights ago we were going through each other’s camera rolls and I saw screenshots of texts he had with other girls from when we were seriously talking (about 2-3 months into knowing each other, knowing how we felt about each other, and told each other that we were only talking to one another). The first girl was a friend he knew online that he flirted with casually from time to time (saying things like she’s “so hot in photos” and sexual jokes about each other). The second girl is one he has known for over two years, they met, were friends and then more than friends (sexually, never dated), and then she began stalking him and continued to send him things after he repeatedly ended things with her, and then he blocked her. He only unblocked her a few months later when she had harassed his friends and family continuously. Ashamed of the sexual abuse he had faced and unable to tell it to his friends, he unblocked and began doing what she wanted, albeit not often and not responding to her other messages, only every few days/weeks. The last time he took part in the sexual conversations and videos she would send him was about three months into us talking. He has since blocked her on all platforms and has not heard from her since.

When I saw these texts, from both girls, I was heartbroken and disgusted. He says they meant nothing to him, one just being casual banter and that he didn’t know any better, and the other being sexual abuse that he didn’t know how to end. Moreover, he says that he was finally able to end the abuse because he met me and I showed him how much better life and the person you love can be (he claims to have been in love with me back then). As for the second girl, he said he didn’t know the boundaries of our relationship and didn’t know he was overstepping, and that he would do nothing to hurt me.

I do believe him, I know he loves me, and I don’t believe he would do this again. That said, we both knew we were serious about each other at the time, he believes that he loved me back then, and I am incredibly hurt by everything. Moreover, the story of his abuse makes things all the more complicated. We love each other, he has begged for forgiveness and I know how much losing me would hurt him, and myself. That said, my self confidence is ruined, I am so mad, ashamed for staying with someone who I do believe cheated on me, and I don’t know how to get past the anger I have for him. Please help, all advice and comments are appreciated.

I was sexually abused by my dad for about 13 years growing up.

I still talk to my parents but I limit contact to a once a month phone call and try to avoid visits. They live an hour away. My partner has been assaulted as an adult and has a very dysfunctional family herself. I’m not sure when/if to tell her what I’ve gone through. It involves a lot of psychological abuse I’m still untangling. I would love to just cut everyone off and live happily ever after but it’s more complicated than that simple solution. She knows I was abused but not who. I’m scared if she finds out she’ll leave or think I’m crazy or dangerous.

Edit: I’m in group therapy right now and have been pursuing healing for many years.

**TW: S/A

Some background- I'm a 31f and I feel betrayed by my mom (65f) and dad (63m). I have chronic anxiety, C-PTSD, major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. I was originally put on an SSRI (Paxil) when I was 10 for anxiety/depression and panic attacks. We didn't know the root of my anxiety at the time.

**I remembered I got molested from ages 9-11 by my best friend's dad when I was around 21. After remembering, I lost it. I became suicidal, it triggered my bipolar tendencies, it was bad. My mom (65f) convinced me to break up with my bf (same man I'm seeing now; 32m) and move down to Florida to get some "help". I went to the psych ward a few times because of them but they didn't help. They actually kicked me out because "I got a staph infection"...

ACTUALLY, NO! My cousin raped me in my sleep shortly after moving down there. I had my sleep apnea face mask on and everything. I couldn't consent. That's rape, right? Every time I bring up the fact that they still talk to and hang out with him they gets really defensive. My mom blames me for what happened because "I should've known better than to spend the night" and "he's a grown man".

She blamed my illness and said drugs may have been involved. I DON'T EVEN DRINK ffs!

I wanted to go to the cops. My rents wouldn't let me. After me making that threat I was no longer allowed at family functions. My dad even forbid me from going to my grandmother's funeral 😔 I eventually got worse and worse. I was always in hysterics; constantly crying, suicidal. I would call my mom when that happened because, well, she's my mom. One day she said to me, "I went to the doctor and he said if I keep talking to you like this I'm going to have a heart attack and die and I'm not willing to die for you." So, I backed waaaaaay off. Eventually, being unmedicated was too much for me and I couldn't work. I got evicted. I HAD TO SLEEP IN MY CAR! SO DANGEROUS FOR A WOMAN IN FLORIDA! THEY DIDN'T CARE! *It's important to note that they have an excess amount of cash too.

Then, I had to move in with an autistic man with mental illnesses who forced me to do sexual stuff for my medications. I couldn't take it anymore and caved, called my parents and asked if they could put me up in a hotel. I just filed charges for sexual battery and had nowhere to go. I was surprised that they gave me any money at all. They were convinced I was on drugs and basically disowned me for a few years. I wasn't on drugs. I was undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar. How do I express how betrayed I feel by them without being accusatory?

Honestly though, at this point, I've given up hope of them ever admitting/taking any responsibility. My final question would be: did I deserve this kind of treatment? I couldn't help my mental break. Was I THAT hard to deal with or do they just not love me unconditionally? I feel like they abandoned me and are choosing my abuser over me. How do I go on in this relationship?

I (28m) have been with my partner (26f) for just over 4 years. I started posting here about a year in. It’s dawned on me in the last few weeks that it’s not going to get better. It’s nobody’s fault really, she’s traumatised from violation that happened to her in the past before me and she can’t get over them. I still love her, I just know it can’t realistically work with zero sex life, I’m only 28 and I’ve spent my mid 20’s border line celibate, and resentment and bitterness will eventually creep in. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to break up with her. She will know exactly why, and she will feel that the person that raped her is still having control over her life, relationships and happiness today. I know this will crush her and potentially even destroy all her progress in therapy. On top of this I’ve never had to break up with someone I still love. Life sucks sometimes.

In shadows cast by wounds you keep,
I hold you close while demons creep.
A storm within, you scream and cry,
I brace myself and wonder why.

Your heart, it breaks, a fractured shore,
with waves that crash forevermore.
I want to soothe, to be your light,
but lose myself in endless night.

You rage, you fall, you push, you pull,
and leave me feeling half, not whole.
Yet still I stand through darkened air,
though heavy grows the love we share.

I drift at times to find my peace,
a fleeting breath, a small release.
But back I come, despite the toll,
for love has carved you on my soul.

Through fractured glass, I see you clear,
a soul that shines through hurt and fear.
And though I’m worn, bruised by the tide,
I’ll hold your hand and stay beside.

-Anonymous Secondary Survivor

I (M30s) have a friend (F40s) who I have known for 8 years. She's very nice and a genuinely wonderful person, but I noticed she seems to always have a wall up when it comes to emotions. She doesn't really share how she feels, and just always seems a bit closed off or guarded. At first I thought I might have done something wrong or maybe offended her, but I eventually just sort of realized that's who she is and accepted it.

Recently she needed my help with something, and without getting into too many details a name popped up in some old records. Out of curiosity, I looked up said name online and opened Pandora's Box with a lot of horrible evidence that my friend was abused for years when she was a young teenager by this person. It honestly made me cry finding out everything she went through. I can't even imagine how she feels.

Now, I cannot stop thinking about it and it's eating me up inside knowing this horrible secret. There's a part of me that wants to offer empathy and compassion for what she went through. The other part of me realizes she has never brought it up or mentioned it to me before, and the last thing I want to do is make her relive the trauma or memories. I have decided to keep this information to myself as it's not my personal business, but it's really weighing on my mind. I'm just looking for advice on what to do or how to handle this? Is there anything I can do to be a better friend? I don't know if this is something I'll be able to forget.

TL:DR: Found out a longtime friend was abused as a young teen, friend doesn't know that I know. Having a tough time with the information. Thank you.

My best friend of eight years and I recently began exploring a deeper romantic connection. Unfortunately, I unintentionally triggered a traumatic memory from her college years, a time when she was drugged. She has since requested space, which I am fully respecting. To show her my commitment to understanding and supporting her, I am writing a handwritten letter. My goal is to convey that I am taking her needs seriously, working diligently to become a better person, and educating myself about trauma to ensure that I never put her in such a position again. I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice on the letter.

I want to start by saying how truly sorry I am for the pain I caused you. I know that no matter what my intentions were, I hurt you deeply, and for that, I take full responsibility. I understand that my actions were thoughtless, and they forced you to revisit painful memories, something I deeply regret. You deserved better than what I showed you, and I recognize how much I let you down. 

I failed to communicate clearly, did not respect your boundaries, and made you feel unsafe. I should have been more mindful and more aware of how my actions would impact you. There is no excuse for my lack of awareness. I take full responsibility for making you feel unsafe and disrespected, and I am sorry.

Since then, I have been reflecting on everything and focusing on how I can grow from this experience. I have cut out alcohol and weed, gone back to therapy, and am working through some deep-rooted issues I’ve ignored for too long—like insecurities, self-loathing, and self-destructive habits. I’ve been reading about trauma and sexual abuse and joined support groups, trying to understand the impact my actions had on you. I know I’ll never fully understand your pain, but I am committed to learning and changing because I do not ever want to let you or anyone else down in this way again.

This is not just about making amends—it is about becoming a better person. I want to be the kind of person who respects boundaries, communicates openly, and provides safety and comfort to the people I care about. I have been pushing things down for too long and it is time that I address things head on. I know I cannot undo what I have done, but I am working every day to understand your hurt and ensure that I grow from this and become someone you can trust again, if that is ever something you are open to.

I know you need space, and I completely understand that. I respect whatever time you need without question, and I am sorry it took me a while to fully grasp that. My focus right now is on becoming a better version of myself, not just for you, but for everyone in my life. I know that words alone cannot repair the damage I have caused, and my actions need to show that I am committed to real change. The work I am doing is difficult and humbling at times—facing my own issues and flaws is very uncomfortable. I’m realizing that a part of me does not know how to be exist without the chaos in my brain, almost like an emotional blanket or the buzz of a refrigerator that you get use to after a while. But I am stubborn and committed to doing the hard work and making sure my actions reflect the kind of person I want to be, the kind of person you saw me as.

You are the strongest and most resilient person I know, I am grateful you have let me in to learn that about you. Our friendship has meant the world to me. I do not have expectations of your forgiveness, but I hope, in time, you are open to seeing how seriously I have taken my actions as a wakeup call and opportunity to change. You deserve above and beyond and I hope in some capacity you are willing to let me show you that someday. 

After being with my partner for some time, they revealed to me that they had been sexually assaulted in the distant past. I have dealt with some “smaller” traumas, like being groomed or being coerced into sex, but not a violent experience such as this one. I knew that violent and forceful sexual assault happens, but I had never met someone who had experienced it, let alone someone I’m this close to. Rape has always been my biggest fear, even though it’s never happened to me. and it disgusts me more than almost any other act. Yes, murder and stuff like that is horrible, but nothing turns my stomach like rape does. My partner has come to terms with what happened to them long ago, and it rarely comes up for them. They know that learning about this has been heavy for me, and they have offered me support. But I just can’t shake the awful feelings I get thinking about what he did. It hurts me that we can’t be intimate freely, not because I feel restricted, but because my heart hurts for my partner, that they can’t be intimate with me in certain ways because it will remind them of what happened. It even has been causing me to be uncomfortable with being touched, and I often just focus on my partner when we are intimate. I’m currently in therapy and talk about this often, but I am at a loss. I find myself grieving on a regular basis over this, even falling into depressive episodes. It just makes me so sick to think about. I know this trauma was much worse for them, and that what I’m experiencing is so small compared to what they experienced. I do everything I can to support them when they do need it, but I find myself unable to cope with the secondary trauma behind closed doors. What should I do? Any advice or even just kind words is greatly appreciated.

Edit I forgot to include. I'm 38 male wife. 33 female

Things have been very difficult in our relationship for the last several years. I met my wife after she divorced her husband after the inability to work through his secretive cocaine addiction. My stepson was 16 months old at the time. Since then we have had a child together who is currently 15 months old. Out relationship was good at first, sex was good for the first year or so until things eventually fell off.

This was during covid time and since then there has been a laundry list a mile long of things getting infront of working on our relationship. Emotionally and physically. First her divorce, no alone time during covid restrictions, she had a hip surgery with a few month recovery time, pregnancy, post natal, life with young children and new baby, an insane schedule, personal struggles. I can't even unpack it all here.

She was assaulted when she was approximately 16, it started with cohesion and alot of drinking, she relented and still carries that guilt. When she opened up to her parents at the time they tried to "help", took her to the police who victim blamed her and dismissed her in a - how do you accidently put it in your mouth way. In the aftermath her story was highjacked by her mother who made several attempts on her life with this as the catylist. Her mom has a long history of mental health issues and abuse at the hands of her brother, lots of unresolved trauma. The relationship flipped and became about protecting her mother from things that became to much. She became a caretaker and emotional support for her family and younger siblings. She is totally walled off to providing any kind of emotional support now.

When our relationship started we had sex a few times a week, occasional oral sex from her, I love to go down on her which she has become more comfortable with over the years. Eventually it came out probably around a year in that the reason she doesn't like giving blowjobs because of her assault, we fell into a bit our struggles and frequency dropped off. It has become a cycle of frustration resentment and perceived rejection.

I should probably circle around to me, I have recently received an ADHD diagnosis, struggle with ups and downs of the responsibilities of the large property and house that we purchased. I expressed my concerns as I typically do and they were not acknowledged or respected. This was the house she wanted. Ive felt alot of rejection in relationships over my life right back to highschool into my adult life. I've done alot of soul searching, therapy and self discovery. First with the ADHD and some of the stuff that comes with it and then deeper into the more emotional parts of my life. I relize I have RSD from ADHD and previous life experiences. I've been pushing up against her for affirmations in all aspects of life for a long time searching for something to fill me up, make me feel desired.

This has been an ongoing back and forth, I feel undesired and rejected for quite a long time, our sex life has gaps of sometimes up to 3-6 months and typically we are on a maybe once a month frequency. She often preempts bedtime with I'm tired, I have a headache, tomorrow is such a big day, things that I feel as a preemptive rejection. I'm afraid to initiate due to the fact that I'm rejected probably 90% of the time.. I used to try and initiate maybe once a week and I just don't do it anymore, the rejection is too painful. When she does offer sex it comes with the caveat of make it quick/don't take too long and is basically just her body and my penis in the room. She doesnt give me oral sex anymore, I've had maybe 6 blowjobs from her during our relationship and 1 in the last 3 years.

Recently we watched a movie - I love you man- and there was a joke about "maybe if you gave your husband a blowjob" and I saw how uncomfortable it made her. It honestly just made me sad. We ended up talking about it later, she shared that she thought I'd be mad about it. I started thinki about my own history and wondering what it was that I get out of oral sex when I came to the realization it's about feeling desired and not in control for me. I know some people get off on the control but I've never been like that. When I get the vibe that she's not into it it turns me off. I want all I want is to feel desired.

The next day we were at our son's hockey with our toddler running around in the rink. Some man came in the door walking quickly and opened the door knocking over our toddler and then continued to run the door over top of him as I was running up yelling stop. I was only a few feet behind. I immediately saw a weird reaction of my wife was a little further away. She told me that that was her abuser and to stay away. Don't touch him. Don't talk to him. I really struggled in this. I wanted to smash his head off the wall what I think even if it wasn't her. Abuser was so upset of the ignorance of this man who just hurt my baby. The realization that this was what's going on and saying pain in my wife's eyes made it hurt so much more. Eventually when I was able to calm down I started to think why my first thought in the moment was to hurt this guy as badly as I possibly could and why my concerns were not with my wife and child. It opened my mind to the fact that what I've been asking of her to look at her trauma without taking a deep look at mine wasn't fair. I spent the next day chronologically going through my sex life looking at disappointments failures rejections. I was looking for experiences in my life that might not let me help. Help me understand your trauma and brought back some painful mappies one of which was a girl who I dated in my early twenties who had been a friend at first. She was a waitress at the bar that I frequented far too often. It was probably not the most best time in my life. She was dating. She was about 18. I was 22. She was dating an older guy when we met. Probably in his early thirties. Pretty bad news. Eventually she had broken it off with him and we started to date. We were great for each other. We were both living away from home with no family. Lonely supported each other even before we started to date. The sex was good but she always needed it to be rough. I just a loving rel that's what kind of said it off is when I tried to have romantic sex with her it would set her off it. It came out that the previous guy had raped her. She said she was too damaged for me and broke it off. The rejection came when she returned to the rapist. I havent verbalize this in a long time, maybe ever, but it was the deepest rejection I've ever felt.

I decided that these were all things that she needed to know to maybe understand my needs for operation that she typically downplays as selfish or needy. I laid it all out. Gave her my entire sexual history number of partners, ups and downs. Everything on the table. It

I feel like I can't contribute without any type of gas in the tank, whether it be sexual or in our day-to-day life. We have been participating in couples therapy. We've tried a couple and recently we've found one that seems to fit for us. Mostly about my side of stuff. Pat, some of what happened that night with her. Not much about how she's processed it since. Honestly, it was the best place I've been in years. I felt really great like we've broken through some kind of wall. Fast forward a week to our therapy appointment and I kind of laid out what was going on with the therapist. We had had a little squabble a couple days before. Pat, I'm starting to realize that we need to address the deeper issues and it's not the day-to-day annoyances that are the problem with something for her larger. I don't know if she's there yet. I told the therapist about the argument that had originally come up for us to book the appointment early and about the other things that have come up for us. Originally I had offered to let her leave. I really would have preferred Dodd that's so I didn't go to a place that was uncomfortable for her, but she kind of walled off in the situation. I thought it was all therapist should know and that we should continue to work on. The therapy got a bit heated when she was dismissive of some of these things, and then kind of walled off at the end of the session. That's when things kind of spiraled. I was upset that I was completely pouring my heart out being completely vulnerable but she was still showing no vulnerability. Sex has been a no-go to even talk about for so it seems when we circle around to it it become so painful for her that she'll spend the argument towards some hurt. Some argument that we have in 6 months or a year two years ago that seemed to be resolved. I'm not against processing all guns inside of our relationship and I've said that to her just that we need process them in an appropriate setting and that they are an ammunition for an argument. It just like fuel to the fire on her way of changing directions. As it turns out she was nauseous in our appointment and that was the reason why she walled off. She got sick on the drive home a couple times I shared that. I really wish she just would have told me where she was at and that she wasn't able to continue the session. Her concerns were with the therapist judging her for coming in sick. 3 or 4 hour days go by. Not without difficulty. Her dad took a fall that I and I had to go in the middle of the night to get him back up one night. Another night our toddler bumped his head and we spent a couple hours in the hospital. There was not a lot of time but there was some for us during this. However, we never circled around to the fox. With so many things have been left unacknowledged and undiscussed. I pushed up against her again on Sunday morning after she ignored me to read a book the night before. Honestly at this point I would be happy just to talk about sex. Not even have it in that moment. All I wanted was an assurance that we will talk about sex again that it's important. Maybe not right now but it's still a priority.

I'm not sure how long I can hang on for the sake of our children, family, etc. I love love person that she is when we're in a good place but the person she is in our bad place has become resentful mean not and outright nasty and I really struggle to be around her when she's like that. Shades of my childhood with my mother walking around the house. Pass him aggressively like a ticking time bomb. She's constantly gaslighting me about how all I do is put myself first. It's all about my needs etc etc. I get defensive and feel like I've been tricked into this relationship and then had this ex pulled away. I spent too much of my life in one friend's owner. Another many of them to be honest and feel like I've been used for emotional support too much. I'm sick of having a woman's sexuality leveraged against me for emotional support with false promises of things. Never to come. I feel like I deserve a commitment and acknowledgment that someone's need for a sexual connection and an adult relationship is valid. A commitment that our sex life has equal importance and is a thing to work on just like our emotional connection and in fact it's really really hard for me to give her that emotional connection without one.

Hello. I am a 24-year-old man, and I am reaching out to you regarding a complex situation I am experiencing with my partner, who is 29. We've been together for more than two years, but recently, she hasn’t been doing well. She feels lost and unsure about what she wants to do with her life. I suspect depression, or at the very least, a worsening of her pre-existing depression. It’s important to understand that she had a difficult childhood, marked by multiple forms of abuse, which seems to be impacting her mental state now. I mention this to provide context and help you understand this long account.

At the beginning of our relationship, my partner, whom I'll refer to as J, told me about her older brother, who had been in prison for various minor offenses. She also explained that during his time in prison, her brother had met a man, whom we’ll call A, who had greatly helped him in his personal development. According to J, A was serving a life sentence for the murder of a rival gang member. She told me that A’s best friend had been killed, and A acted out of vengeance, but over time he had become a better person in prison and had helped her brother significantly. J also explained that through her brother, she had been put in contact with A when she was younger, and they developed a platonic friendship through exchanging letters two or three times a year. At that time, I didn’t pay much attention to this, given that our relationship was still new and I wasn’t deeply in love yet. However, I do remember feeling slightly uneasy, as these were not the kinds of people I wanted to have around me. I grew up hearing, “Tell me who you befriend, and I’ll tell you who you are.”

I also later learned that J's brother had connected several inmates with her and her older sister during his stay in prison. J received multiple letters from various inmates. This discovery disgusted me, as it felt like her brother was using his sisters as some kind of currency. Later on, I would come to find out that this was a behavior he had always exhibited.

A few months later, in November or December of 2022, while I was at J’s place, I noticed a letter from the prison on her desk. My curiosity got the better of me, and I saw something that caught my eye: there were little hearts drawn over the "i"s in A's words. So, I decided to read the letter and was shocked to find that A seemed to have strong feelings for J. The letter was full of compliments about her personality and appearance, never in an inappropriate manner, but undeniably flirtatious. I confronted J about it and asked to see the other letters exchanged with A. Upon reading them, I realized that A had started off in a friendly and curious manner but had quickly shifted to being more personal and seductive. He would ask questions about her fantasies and her experiences with men, never using overtly sexual language, but clearly trying to encourage J to open up.

I asked to see J's responses. She showed me a few that she had saved in photos. I saw that she wasn’t flirting back; she was simply being polite. A was desperately trying to steer the conversation towards intimate topics, but J responded with a kind of feigned naivety. (J is a lawyer, she’s not stupid, and she fully understands the meaning of words—I feel the need to clarify that.) Here’s an example that I remember: A asked J if she had fantasies or strong feelings that pushed her to explore herself, if talking to him gave her sensations. J replied that talking to A made her feel understood and like she had a good friend. As for fantasies, she fantasized about having a farm with horses. A responded with something like, “Haha, that’s not really what I meant by fantasies. I fantasize about lying next to you and just watching you.”

I was furious. J then told me that she had recently received a new letter, the first one since we had been together. She explained that when she saw it, she got scared and didn’t know how to react, which is why she had kept it from me. She handed me the letter. In it, A expressed his hope of soon getting parole and moving close to her. He confessed that he was in love with her and asked if she felt the same way. I lost my temper. I told J that she needed to end this communication immediately, to write to A and tell him that she did not love him and could not continue this relationship, or else I would leave her. J wrote the letter and sent it, and she hasn’t heard back from A since.

J had previously confided in me that what she liked about her relationship with A was that she had no obligations towards him; he had never asked anything of her before. She could choose whether to respond or not and do as she pleased. She also told me that it made her feel good to receive attention from someone who couldn’t harm her, given that he was behind bars. Ironically, I almost felt pity for A. It seemed like J was abusing this relationship as a form of retaliation for the emotional and physical abuse she had endured from other men.

On my end, I had gotten rid of the letters by burning them. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I was angry, humiliated, and felt deeply insulted.

Moving forward to about a month ago, around September 2024. J had become more distant in our relationship and seemed sadder. She confided in me that she was experiencing flashbacks of sexual abuse from her childhood, where her brother had indirectly played a role by drugging her and offering her room to her abuser. During a conversation, while she was crying, she said something that hurt me deeply. She told me that when she looked back at all her previous relationships, she felt like every man in her life had been with her to take something from her; all of them had wanted something from her except for one person: A. I was devastated by that statement. “What about me?” I asked. J explained that at the beginning of our relationship, we were together mostly for the sex and not for love, so I too wanted something from her. I didn’t know how to respond. I was there for her, I loved her with all my heart, and yet she treated me this way.

Two weeks ago, the topic of A came up again. J was angry and blamed me for forcing her, early in our relationship, to end the sporadic correspondence between her and A. She also resented me for burning the letters. Regarding the letters, I was ready to admit my mistake—not because I believed they had any sentimental value, but because it wasn’t my place to handle her affairs. J then told me that she wanted to write to A to apologize for how things had ended and to check in on him. I was crushed. Why was she still thinking about him? I told her that I didn’t want A to have her address (since I live in the neighboring building to J).

I tried reasoning with her, but she was closed off to any discussion. She was convinced she was in the right. When I brought up the feelings A had expressed in his letters, J dismissed it, saying it had only happened once and had never been recurring, as if she had forgotten the entire content of the letters. I bitterly regretted burning them because I would have wanted to confront her with the reality and her own denial.

She also said something that really struck me: “Anyway, it’s clear that I’m going to see him in the future. He’s my brother’s friend, so if I’m with my brother and A is there, well, we’ll see each other.” To me, it seemed only reasonable and minimally respectful, given the situation, that J avoids being around her brother when A is present. Let’s not forget that this brother is the same person who repeatedly drugged J, orchestrated her assault, and mentally and emotionally abused her. I couldn’t understand how she could even imagine being near her brother, let alone with her brother and A.

Ironically, about a week later, J had her brother over at her place and joined him at a country house for a few days. When I confronted her about this inconsistency, she tried to present it as a sign of empowerment: “I was able to be around my brother despite everything he did to me because I knew he couldn’t hurt me anymore and that I could leave whenever I wanted. I took my strength, and I just enjoyed the country house and whatever he could offer me.” To me, it sounded like a well-crafted excuse to justify actions that contradicted her words.

In the end, I was the one bearing the brunt of this situation. Today, J has supposedly isolated herself from everyone, but I feel like she’s mainly isolating herself from me. I sense that she’s unhappy with her life and that she’s revisiting every event where she put others first. She seems to associate those moments with a lack of self-respect, and to compensate, she believes she must be indifferent or even disrespectful towards others. It’s as if she thinks she needs to act in a completely opposite way to avoid suffering again.

In just two weeks, the woman I loved has become a completely different person, and I don’t understand it. She refuses to be confronted, she’s closed off to any questioning, and she’s certain she’s right. As for me, I feel terrible, but I’m trying to work on myself. I’m seeing a psychologist and attending group therapy because I’m taking responsibility for my part in this situation.

Yesterday, I asked her what she wanted to work on about herself. She mentioned her “patterns” (behavioral patterns), and I expected her to talk about her anxieties, her stubborn temperament, or even her lack of discipline. But no, according to her, her biggest flaw is “always putting others before herself.” When I heard that, it felt like she saw herself as someone too good and generous, without acknowledging the real issues with her behavior.

For these reasons, I doubt she will seek professional help. She prefers to bury herself in shallow self-help readings, like Pinterest quotes or pop psychology books. I’m afraid she’ll shut down completely the moment a professional tells her that her problem isn’t being “too perfect.” I love her and want her to get better. More than anything, I want to find a way to help her see things from a different perspective. But she keeps insisting she doesn’t want therapy.

Today, we have distanced ourselves, although this distance is primarily symbolic since she remains my neighbor. Am I wrong? I know I have my own issues, my insecurities, and anger to deal with, and I’m already working on them. I see a psychologist, I participate in group therapy, but when I look at her side, I feel like I’m the only one genuinely making an effort to pull us out of this situation, while she prefers to procrastinate or simply ignore the problems.

Hello I have been dealing with ptsd from a few different things that have happened to me and I need to vent and I also need advice. Is it sexual assult if they grab you and pull you to go on top because “they want you too” or if they grab your hand and put it on their area while you’re asleep ?

I have been sexually assulted / raped a few times and is there a way or advice for stuff like this happening to stop. ?

For context, we are both 16.

My friend was unfortunately sexually assaulted when he was younger, i only got ot know him recently but we talked about alot of things in common until the topic of a diet came up, he said he's been purposefully eating high estrogen food, and avoiding food that causes high testosterone because he didnt like getting aroused, and he didnt like any dirty minded thoughts at all. As far as i know, the thoughts are arousal are normal for teenagers is it not? but he's trying to surpress it all because he said he didnt want to be "creepy"

he's not religious, so i dont think its any religion that forces him to do this, so he's just straight up surpressing everything sex related. It doesnt help that most teenagers around us are used to catcalling girls, watching porn and saying sexual stuff without any filter. When they say that, he says theyre all weird and creepy and disrespectful. Which i agree to a certain extent

I dont force him to talk about any of that stuff anyways, i respect his boundaries and what he wants to talk about. But im worried about him, does this affect his health in any way? He drinks alot of soy, barely eats red meat, kinda semi vegan i guess..I just dont want him do something that might cause long term effects, he said he's gotten weaker physically but at least he doesnt get aroused easily anymore. i dont know what to do, help?

I'm not really sure that this is the right subreddit to be asking this on, but I am desperate and have no one else to talk or ask advice on this.

I(24F) have been friends with A(24F) for 13 years now. Two years ago she started dating B(25M). she moved out of our town for him and his work opportunities, twice, to towns where she knows no one, has no friends, and she works remotely now, so she doesn’t even have colleague friends. A & B broke up in July and she moved back to our hometown in August. She told me that he'd been hitting her for the past few months, ( she wouldn't go into too much detail so I don't know if that's where it stopped on not) and she realised she had to get out - she didn’t want to be the girl stuck in an abusive relationship. Fast forward to last week, A told me she was going to visit her ex for the weekend, because she still had feelings for him and the relationship wasn’t all bad. She also told me that she told her parents what happened, and they are fine with it and knew she went to visit him (but I find that hard to believe). And today, she told me she would only be coming back to town to come get her stuff, then she’s moving back in with him, to the town where she knows no one but him. She says that he promises that it won’t happen again and she’s forgiven him. I’m extremely worried about this whole situation, because what if he hits her again if she goes back. She’s extremely stubborn and doesn’t listen to anyone else when she’s decided something - which makes all of this even harder. I don’t want to get a call from her parents one day telling me she’s in the hospital (or worse) because she “fell down the stairs” or whatever other excuse people use.

I'm genuinely at a loss. I want to stage an intervention but I'm not actually sure how to do that, maybe by including her parents, since I can't imagine any parent being okay with something like this.

How do I go about staging an intervention, if an intervention is the way to go?

TLDR: My best friend's(24F) ex(25M) hit her, now she's going back to him. How do I go about staging an intervention?

Today, my first cousin (30F) told me that her brother (now 22M) -my youngest cousin- when he was 12 was assaulted by a different male first cousin (26M now, was 15/16 during the incident). I knew my youngest cousin suffers from mental health issues and was bullied during his high school years and currently receiving treatment ... I asked his sister about his prognosis and she told me he informed them about what happened 10 years ago a few months ago.

I am horrified by this news. I do believe him there is no doubt about this, it just I know those things could happen to anyone in the world but I never expected it to happen to someone so close to me by someone from our own family. (our extended family uncles, aunts and their children are pretty close).

my youngest cousin is someone I remember his birth, I changed him, bathed him and saw him grow up. our two families are so close we consider each other as siblings. (I am not as close to the assaulter first cousin).

I can not process my emotions. I feel angry, sad, disgusted and my heart is broken for my youngest cousin. but the one who caused him pain is also my first cousin. and is someone I personally know, though not close to but I share so many memories with him and now they feel tainted.

my problem right now is, I am someone with chronic anxiety and this news shocked me and disturbed me so much that it threw me off balance. my stress and anxiety are so high I am on the edge of an attack. it also caused my IBS to flare up my guts hurt and I feel so nauseated. I can't stop thinking about this, I can't sleep. I can barely keep myself from having an attack by constantly doing breathing exercises. I tried to distract myself by watching YT videos, reading and listening to music ... but nothing is works.

I am a mess right now, I don't know what to do.

any advice?.

When I (m) was 16, my gf was also 16, I haven't done anything sexual before, she has in her past, so I didn't understand the concept of how to 100% be consensual, I haven't raped her obviously, but I did get touchy on several occasions even with her saying no, because I didn't understand at the time that I was violating her boundaries, I haven't had any experience, I've never been sexual, & I genuinely thought it was play at the start (this changed 6 months into the relationship, & I obv didn't ever do something similar to her again after, because I understood how consent works, it took time to properly understand what's going on, after she communicated it, & ive been respectful of these boundaries ever since), now we're 19, but she still sometimes talks about how traumatized she was because I've done this repetitively, she's a survivor, alongside the fact that what I did was terrible, she has past trauma, which makes it harder on her, I meant no harm.

I treat her well, she's my lover, I love her, I buy her gifts, take her out, she's happy around me, & she genuinely loves me, I respect her, & I don't violate any of these boundaries anymore, but she still says she's damaged because of what happened, she said she loves me, she said she doesn't want to break up & she wants to work through this with me, she says she forgives me, I've learnt how to properly act & understand how consent works, but I don't know if this relationship can work considering she's traumatized with something I've done, which is her full absolute right, & I take accountability & acknowledge what I've done, she forgave me & told me she loves me & wants to work through this however. I've always been accepting of her, she's always been accepting of me, our love was always unconditional, but I'm afraid that I am holding her back from properly healing from this as I feel like I might serve as a reminder of what I've done (she rarely thinks of it now, & she rarely ever mentions it)

I love her, I know I did something nearly unforgivable, yet she forgave me, but I need advice, I know I sound like a bad person, I did something terrible, but I promise I simply didn't understand what's happening

How can I help her heal? Rrgardless of my feelings

Should I break up with her because of how much I've damaged her, because I might remind her of her trauma, or should I stay with her, & fix it? I don't want to waste her time, or hurt her further, or hold her back from the healing process, I've contemplated what I did repetitively, & I'm screaming on the inside ever since realising what I've actually done. Part of me says I should leave for her own sake, considering that I could serve as a reminder of this, yet here's the dilemma

do you think breaking up might damage her, since she was assaulted before, & this time she opened up, talked about her feelings? it's fair to say she has attachment issues, as well as a complex view of her sexuality. Or is it wiser to work through this? Help her? Which is which? Can I help her heal? Or should I remove myself from the equation? Which is a better way to help her heal? Which is potentially better for our relationship, could we ever recover from this? Could she ever heal with me around, she rarely thinks of it, I promise I treat her the best way I can, she's everything to me, but I don't know how to act & what to do to help her.

I'm between 2, breaking up with her, being out of the picture, which might damage her because we genuinely love each other, & because she opened up to me & told me she wants to work through this, leaving her because of her confession of trauma & my ignorance ? while it might be good for her if I left, because I might serve as a reminder of this

The second, is to work things out, I treat her with respect & I show respect to her boundaries like I'm doing now, I go with what she says, that she wants to work through this, not knowing if she'll heal from this with me around, but I remain with her, I give her the safe space that I can offer now, & not break her down by leaving her because of talking about a traumatic event

I don't know what's best for her, I want to stay with her, but I don't know what's hest for her, please, advice

Hi everyone! I’m going through a very unique situation. My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s and life partners. In an attempt to get close to his family, I had cocktails at his mom’s house one on one after hanging out a few times as a group. His mom is the only family he is connected to and we both had 2 martinis. She got blackout drunk and I was just fine because my boyfriend and I love to make cocktails together. My tolerance is higher. Anyways, after a few cocktails she divulged horrific secrets to me. My boyfriend has already told me his father SAed him as a child and he’s only ever told me. His mom basically admitted she knows he was a pedophile but she did nothing to protect him as a child even though she knew that. It took about a month and a half to truly process this and bring it to my boyfriend, but let’s just say it has been EMOTIONAL to say the least. He finally confronted her today and she basically said she doesn’t remember saying that and that I must be lying or confused. My boyfriend believes me, but she has put him through so much more than this. I feel like he is waiting for her to admit it and wants to forgive her, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I’m trying very hard to not make this about me but I wonder what else she is hiding. I have been the one that has had to hold him while he’s sobbing and deal with all the things she wasn’t strong enough to deal with, and then she has the audacity to suggest I’m lying. It really pjsses me off. I love him so much and he’s a wonderful man. I have no idea how to get through this. I’d love support from people who have experienced this as well.

When I met my wife in 2011, within the first couple weeks she sat me down and explained that her Dad had sexually abused her as a child. At this time she was really close with her Dad. She was 27 years old in 2011.

The story was that it started at age 6 and went until she was 12. At this time her mom walked into her room and caught her Dad trying to penetrate her. Her mom kicked him out and called the cops. The cops took him away and the family underwent mandatory councilling. At this point in the story I asked, if it had ever happened again after that. She assured me that it never did. I accepted this story for 14 years, up until present. She assured me that he had changed and that he felt bad about what he did and that he did it because his Dad did it to him. After this she talked to him daily for the next decade. He would visit and they would get very drunk together. They would watch game of thrones (which I thought was odd given some of the content in GOT). She would sleep at his place from time to time when I was away at work and she would FaceTime me from his place.

In 2016 her Dad needed a temporary place to stay. She asked if he could stay with us. I agreed and he stayed for about 3 months. They would drink until the early hours of the morning sometimes. One night at 2am or so I awoke to her sitting on the floor staring at me sleeping. It looked like she was on drugs, like some kind of sedative. I picked her up and put her in bed and held her until she fell asleep. On another night they drank until 4am and I was awoke by her Dad saying that she was cheating on me and had just left with one of my buddies in the car. I hopped in my truck to find them and went to a nearby beach as my first attempt. As I pulled up I saw the car, I parked and got out to see them sitting side by side with their arms touching. I picked him up and knocked him out. I then picked her up and threw her in the truck. Her explanation was that she couldn’t go to bed or her Dad would stop her. They had been partying in the lower level of the house (as we have kids sleeping) and she said that she couldn’t go upstairs because he was there waiting for her. This was very confusing and upsetting. It didn’t align with the story I was told.

Fast forward to today and again I catch her doing questionable things. She is now texting ex boyfriends and deleting the messages. So trust is broken and I’m finding myself turn into a private detective (which I hate myself for). I eventually find a marriage counseling company that does long 3-5 day intensives backed up with polygraphs from wife and husband. One of my questions was asking her if she had ever been abused by him as an adult. We didn’t do the councilling because she confessed that the answer was yes. This was a huge blow. I started to become so angry at my self. Why did I allow this man to live in my house with my kids there. He is a pedophile and a predator. How can one be abused when they are a consenting adult? I don’t understand how she could keep this from me for 14 years. I never would have allowed the man to be a part of our lives … I never would have continued my relationship with her early on had I known that they had been having intercourse (consensual or not??) my whole world had been turned upside down but I guess it explains all the other dysfunctional marriage issues we’ve had over the years… mostly her drinking and drug use. And now the possible affairs.

I honestly can’t wrap my head around it. How can someone be that close to someone if it wasn’t consensual. I don’t understand.

Hey Guys,

i just need to vent my emotions. I just broke up with my partner and mother of our child. We were together vor 2+ years now and worked so hard on her problems everyday. She is a csa survivor with alot psychological problems, but at her core she is a never loved child that tried all she could to be a loving mom. Her only dream was to finally have a healthy happy family. In our relationship she even broke contact with her family. She had alot of therapy, sometimes with me aswell. Her core problems were that she was not able to take care and love her self, she lied alot and manipulated but in my opinion never really with bad intent, it was more of a survival reflex / defense mechanism. We build so much together, right now everything seemed like it could really work. Throughout our relationship there were really bad occasions were she betrayed me emotionally and broke my trust completely. A few days ago it happened again and i decided to finally gather all my strength and break up because i just couldn’t deal with it anymore. She never had an sexual affaire but it came close to an emotional one were she then lied to me and kept manipulating me into just overseeing and forgetting it.

I know in my heart that she loved me with everything she had and i cant explain why those things happenend. On the other side we had a really deep connection and spend really beautiful times with our child. It makes me so sad and broke my hard that i was the one that now shattered her life and her dreams and also our family life but the trust in our relationship was gone for some time. I just know that it will keep happening even if the time inbetween gets longer and i just cant handle it anymore. I was on the verge of breaking up a few times before and i also made it work somehow only to get disappointed again.

Im also really angry that she left me no choice after all the work we put in and with the knowledge that pur child will not grow up without his real mom since she will probably disappear or at least not show up most of the time.

I just dont know how to handle this situation and if i can be strong enough to stick with my decision but the dynamic in our relationship was really toxic in some points and i realized that it slowly broke me too.

The break up was one of the hardest things i did in life, i never saw a person cry in that way. She was devasted and i am still worried that she will end her life especially since she has almost noone else in her life. She still keeps begging me for a chance and i had to tell her that she already had her chance. We already broke up half a year ago because a very similar thing happened ( she invited her ex in her house were the pictures of our kid are hanging while i was away, she didnt had sex or anything but i know that they cuddled and slept in the same bed. She didnt tell me until i found out that she had contac with him on a random occasion a few months later and then still tried to cover it up) and back then we came back under the condition that this is her last chance and i could not handle something like that happening again.

I am just so destroyed that she forced me to end this, i fought so hard and never wanted someone else, i fought so hard that my son could have his mom.

I am sorry if this is not well written it just needed to get out of my head.

I dated Elise from December 2022 to September 2024. There were bad moments and there were good moments. But there was never a single day where I was not happier to have her by my side. There was not a single day where I had regretted dating her or I wished for someone better.

Elise cheated on me from May 2024 to September 2024. Elise and I have lived together in a shared apartment in NYC since April 2023. She visited family in May 2024 and traveled around Europe from June 2024 - September 2024. She cheated on me with ~25 people during the time she was away. She never told me this and she still has not admitted that this has happened. Instead, Elise told me that we were breaking up because she was unhappy with me and was not ready to be in a relationship. When I asked to elaborate, she mentioned that she was unhappy with me as she is always cleaning up after me, I was too controlling, and we fought too often. I tried to negotiate with her and explained through historical evidence that I have been cleaning more, that we have been fighting less (from several times a month in May 2022 to once per month, to once per two months, to the most recent fight being March 2024). But Elise refused to budge, she said that she had made up her mind and she was not ready to be in relationship. She said that she wanted to be free and not be tied down. 

Now that I now she cheated on me, upon reflection, when Elise was explaining why we were breaking up, it seemed as though she was trying to find reasons for why we were breaking up and was trying to convince herself of this as much as she was trying to convince me. She needs to this because otherwise she would have to confront the guilt and shame and what she did, and the pressure would be unbearable for her. Since she’s not able to do that, she made up another story–one that’s mentally acceptable for her.

–About Elise–

Elise has borderline personality disorder. She also has a history of lying about what happened in order to live in a more palatable world and–from her perspective–protect her loved one from harm.

To understand why she is like this, you must understand who Elise is. Elise comes from a history of sexual trauma. When she was in high school, she was raped repeatedly by her high school boyfriend. Her would sneak into her bed every night and every night she would lay there and let it happen. She never told anyone, never reported, and allowed it to continue. In college, often times when she returned home, that same high school ex would call out to her, and she would let him. She never told her college ex boyfriends this, as to not hurt their feelings. She never told her parents this, so that they would not be disappointed in her. She had learned to always lie when it comes to the trauma she's facing, as she believe that she is sparing others from her pain.

Two years ago, she was raped by someone who went to her college. Separately, she was also groomed and sexually assaulted by a 50 year old (Hassan) who appears to also be engaged in several illicit activities. I tried to get her out of this situation as he was forcing her to return to him to sexually abuse her and it appears as though he was grooming her to eventually force her to aid him in other illicit activities, including luring young girls. I encouraged her to report him, to go to the police. I still remember how she cried and cried until I forced all of the information out of her. A case had begun for sexual assault regarding the first night Elise met Hassan, but Elise was too afraid to mention anything else. I later convinced her to write out all the details and report it to the FBI. Elise later spoke with the DA and police again, to which, I asked her to record the conversation for me so that I may listen and advice as to how they feel. She agreed and that night I came home to her in the bathroom, weeping. She said that she had done her best but the DA had dropped the case. She yelled at me saying that she went through the pain of telling her story again but it was all for nothing. She did her best and told them she was willing to testify, and she did it all for me. She then handed me the recording and told me to listen to it, and I'll see how hard she tried. Two days later, I listened to the recording, and it was not as she claimed. The recoding showed Elise goes in, cheerful and happy. The DA said that they found the FBI report and Elise said that everything on it was a lie. She had exaggerated everything that happened due to the advice of a friend. Elise said that everything was fine and she just wants it all (the case) to be over. The DA appeared to have dropped the case as Elise no longer wished to continue or cooperate.

When Hassan found out that the charges had been dropped, he began retaliating. He subtly sent me death threats, and he sued Elise, claiming that she had stolen gold from him. This civil lawsuit was quickly dismissed as there was no basis. I encouraged Elise to report Hassan again and that we need to work doubly hard to convince law enforcement to take this case. If not for herself, she should do it for other victims. I told her that if she doesn't stop, Hassan would never stop coming after her or her loved ones. This lead to me yelling at her repeatedly, me cornering me to stop her from running away, and me doing this repeatedly until she finally understood. At the end of April, Elise had a controlled call with the police. I am not sure what happened with this case after that.

--Breakup Part 2--

Elise insisted she never cheated on me when she broke up with me. In the following days, I came to discover the truth, that she cheated on me with 25 people during the months she was away. This is significant, as her total body count prior to this was 4, if we were to only include consensual partners. I continued to insist the truth and after a night and a day, she relented and agreed that I was right. She accepted that she cheated on me with 25 people. I told her that I don't care and that I forgive her. That I'm not mad at her and want us to try again. She told me that we were still breaking up. The next day she was back to insisting she never cheated, and after another day of arguing, she reverted back to 25. The following day, she told me that she only cheated on me with one person, and that it began in June when she went to Europe. She met someone and caught feelings and did not want to tell me as she didn't want me to feel hurt that she caught feelings for someone else. This version of the story is the one she has stuck with, ever since.

I mention the story about Elise lying to me about how she did her best with the DA as it is critical to understanding why she lies. In that instance, she lied to me despite the fact that she was handing me a recording with evidence contracting what she was saying. 

In order words, Elise does not simply lie to prevent the truth from being found out. Elise lies because she is afraid of the truth. Elise is someone who lives with a ton of self hatred and guilt. She blames herself for being a victim and she does not like who she is as person. Elise has a lot of self blame for her actions with her high school ex. She has constant night terrors and locks the door every night. The real her knows that she screwed up. She was too scared to do anything, and she hates herself for it, and there are some days where she feels she doesn't deserve to live. And so the only way to forget is by pretending to be someone else.

Although Elise tells herself that she lies to protect her loved ones, the truth is Elise lies to protect herself. She needs these lies to be true, and so she insists to herself that they are. Because if they were not, then the reality would be unbearable.

--What Really Happened-- 

At the end of April, Elise had a control call with the police. The emotional toll combined with the unresolved trauma from her prior rape left her overwhelmed emotionally. On May 1, 2024, Elise left NYC to visit family and hooked up with a guy she met a hotel bar. I don’t blame her, and I’m not mad at her. I know that she didn’t do this to hurt me. She did this because she overwhelmed from the emotional stressed of having to confront her trauma. Casual hookups provided an escape and emotional distration. Elise wanted validation and comfort from others to cope with the difficult emotions she couldn't handle. 

The casual hook ups Elise had for the next months were mostly with much older and seemingly successful men (in their 40s). Cheating was a temporary distraction from her emotions and served as a way of emotional avoidance distancing herself from her trauma. 

Elise appeared to be seeking emotional validation, and in July and August, she found a few people who really gave her that. She continues to talk to three of them regularly today, because they make her feel desired in ways she (currently) did not think existed in our past relationship. This lead her to become more emotionally distant with me as she developed deeper feelings with them.

Elise can’t tell herself that she did that because she was lost, confused, and scared. So she told herself another lie, that her hookups are about gaining freedom and finding herself.

By August, Elise had become conflicted, she still cared about me but knew that her actions were causing a wide emotional gap. The emotional disconnect and guilt became too overwhelming to reconcile while staying in the relationship. At the same time, she can't confess without hurting me.

This is when Elise needed to tell herself another lie. The truth is, after months of cheating and the emotional turmoil being too much, Elise pulled away from me emotionally, starting in August. But Elise can’t accept this, as it would fill her with guilt. Elise has to be victim here, because if she’s not the victim, her mind may believe that she was never the victims and the rapes and not reporting were her fault. And so, Elise decided to tell herself that instead of becoming emotionally distant in August, Elise became emotionally distant from me in April / May. She tells herself that she was already mentally broken up with me, before she cheated. And so, she was not really cheating and she didn’t do anything wrong; she had already mentally broken up with me.

By September, she realized how addicted she had become to the external validation from some of these partners. She believes that staying with me would mean sacrificing these emotional comfort and excitement. So rather than sacrificing everything with everyone else she gave up on her relationship with me. In September 2024, she concluded that she could not maintain her lifestyle as well as her relationship with me, leading to her finally ending things with me.

She felt she had to do this because otherwise, I would eventually find out. I can only imagine the overwhelming guilt, conflicting emotions, and pressure she was feeling from all of this.

Elise still harbors feelings for me deep down but they are buried by layers of guilt, fear, and emotional attachement to her lifestyle. To reconcile this, she tells herself that she no longer has feelings for me, and just wants to be friends. Like the instance with the recording, I am not certain to what degree she now believes this.

To reconcile her guilt, she told herself another lie. She told herself that the breakup was in both of our interest–even if I don’t understand orbelieve it. If I were to were find out, I would be scared and filled with anger and pain. She told herself that she had to breakup with me because we were no longer compatible; I needed stability and commitment whereas she was sought for freedom and exploration. Elise told me that she does not feel guilty about cheating on me, and jokingly said that she might be a psychopath. It pains me to see how strongly she has willed herself to believe her lies. But she needs to believe this, she needs to think that this is a chapter of her lifewhere she’s finding freedom and exploration. She needs to believe that she’s been tied down for too long and now, she is finding out who she really is. 

Elise's internal narrative came to arise as it is necessary to minimize the harm her actions caused and shift the responsibility to external factors like feeling emotionally controlled or stifled by me.

The cognitive disconnect is a self-protective mechanism that her to rationalize her actions and avoid feeling overwhelmed. By seeing things this way, she's able to preserve her emotional well being. She needs to believe this because if she doesn’t, this will be another mistake she made… like all the others. 

--Now--

I want to begin by saying that I still love her. I do not see her as less valuable for this, and she is as amazing and wondrous as I saw her at her peak. She is not a bad person. She is simply someone who tried to live life one moment at a moment, and sometimes, did things because she was overwhelmed.

I do not view her any less for her actions and I will never view her any less for anything she does in the future. 

When I first told this story to a friend of mine, my friend said “wow, she must be really attractive and have a lot of positive qualities.”

I would like to highlight that I was not always this understanding, in fact, had I not met her, I would likely react in outage to her cheating–like most other men. I am only as understanding and caring as I am now because of her. It is not because I needed to become this person to help her, but rather, because our love for each other was so genuine and pure, that I can't help but be transformed by it. When we are together, both she and I, and inclined to make ourselves better people. We still have our issues and baggage, but every year, we improve and become better.

If we were to date anyone else, we would simply be ordinary people in an ordinary relationship.

The truth is she does have a lot great things, but they are not the main reasons why I want to date her. She is intelligent (ivy league graduate degrees), above average in attractiveness, and one of above average social standing & wealth. But these are superficial things, that from my perspective, should not be the focus for why we date someone with the intent to marry.

As an example, three years ago I had a short fling with a girl named Anna. Both she and I were just starting our own startup companies at the time. I had a dream about she and I at an gala, holding hands and raising them together as though we were celebrating an award together, to our individual success. Reflecting back now, I see that my reasons for dating Anna were bad. While I saw her as someone capable, intelligent, and attractive, all of the reasons for why I wanted to date her were a reflection of selfishness. Her looks and achievements simply because a trophy for me. Our business contacts and knowldege were useful to each other, and if we had dated seriously we would have encouraged each other to advance our careers. This nevertheless, were still selfish reasons, as they were about how I could use the other person to advance myself and what the other person would be willing to do for me.

This is bad reason to date someone because this line of reasoning is what leads to divorce down the line, when a partner finds someone younger / more attractive, someone funnier / more understanding, or someone more capable / wealthier. I believe that most relationships are like this, where the focus is on what value the other person can provide–it’s just that often times, the value is care and support.

Relationships where one or both partners love each other unconditionally, are among the exceedingly rare but are truly a marvolous thing. Elise is the only person where I have felt that this was possible. Where, the dating her was never a question of “how can this benefit me” but rather one of “how can I make her as happy as she can be, forever.” In the time that I dated her, both of us have improved in our career, mental health, and physical health. Elise has also stopped cutting herself, and has advance her career meaningfully. A relationship with Elise is one where we never have to worry about not being good enough, but rather we constantly aim to grow and improve ourselves for both of us.

To me, Elise is someone with unlimited potential. Someone I can trust with my life, and someone who wants the best for me. To someone else, Elise is simply what she could provide for them–her body, her achivements, and her support for them. To someone else, she will always be a tool or an object for their benefit.

I really wish I were more articulate and could expressed this statement in a way that was easier to understand.

The challenge I face now is that I have no way to convince her of this. The narrative she has told herself makes it so that I cannot convince her of the truth without it seeming like manipulation. The reality is, every older guy she's receiving compliments from is just using her for sex. Even for the ones she's developing a stronger connection with--while she believes they care about her, they simply see her as a tool in their arsenal. They find delight in her, but only because she's an object in their possession. 

I am highly concerned with regards to her well being. Elise appears to currently be going through hypomania. She mentioned that when she was in Europe, she was sleeping 4 hours a day but felt energetic and as though she no longer needed her antidepressants. Now that she's back, she sleeps for 9 hours but feels tired.

I am also highly concerned for her sudden risky behavior and the next steps that could follow. A trend I've noticed is that whenever Elise begins spiraling out of control, that process is exacerbated if she is away from me for too long. As an example, in summer of 2022, Elise returned home from a month. We were far apart and this was another instance where she began spiraling. Her abusive high school ex called her, and she got into his car and they left for his apartment. They had sex, while she cried. The next day, she got as drunk as she could and let it happen again. It happened again and again, for that entire more. Even after leaving for NYC, she remained in contact with that person and called him a “very good and understanding friend” despite the fact that he has never changed and their phone calls involving him manipulating her and making her believe that she was worthless without him. It was not until Elise had spent months living with me, that she developed the courage to block him.

While I now that Elise staying with me is better for her long term mental health, I am not intelligent or articulate enough to explain this to her without it sounding like I’m manipulating her. This troubles me, as it feels though this is this is a problem I could solve but I simply allow it to persist because I do not try hard enough.

I am fearful of how unarticulate I am, as I do not believe I can convince her that I truly love her unconditionally, and that everyone else who would or have said this has simply been lying. They lie, because they see her as an extension of something they own, and they don’t like losing.

I have no way of convincing her that I am not her college ex boyfriend, who sent text messages for months after saying he's suicidal and depressed without her. That while his messages seem passionate, they are lies that fall apart beyond any superficial levels. His words were stupid statements made by a stupid person in a desperate act of reclaiming someone he saw only as a tool for his benefit. He simply wants her because he could not find someone more attractive, with higher status, or more wealth.

I am not trying to save her because I'm simply trying to be the hero. Nor am I trying to force this to work with the belief that if we make it out of this, she would see the extent of my compassion and love, and she would owe me and forever grateful. 

I am committed to serving and loving her, because she is someone marvelous, beyond any comparison. She has unlimited potential, and she is a true treasury beyond reproach. She is these things simply because I said so. And nothing, including any of her actions or how she views herself will prevent me from seeing her this way. Or, more importantly, treating her this way. I will give my all to fight for her.

–Next Steps–

My goal is not simply to date her. I do not simply want to live the rest of my life with her. Instead, I want to make her life worth living for. I love truly, which means this story is not about me and I can convince to date me. This story is instead about her, and how I may better serve her and her see herself the way I see her.

I can’t help but recall Soren Kierkegaard’s knight of faith. Kierkegaard tells a story of a knight in love with a princess, but due to external forces, they cannot be together. A knight who understands this, is a knight of infinite resignation. This knight holds onto his love but accepts the suffering of unrequited love. The knight of faith is someone who recognizes the impossible, but takes a leap of faith into the absurd. He sees the broken bridge in front of him, and takes the leap of faith to cross 50 feet. The knight of faith is not someone irrational who believes he could succeed, but rather, one who recognizes the herculean difficulty and persists anyway, through faith.

I understand very well that winning her back is an impossible challenge. I know that it would be much easier to just find someone else. But great things are never easy, and they're never without sacrifice. She is deserving of it all, and I will do all I can for her. 

In many ways this is a convoluted and roundabout way to say, I have no idea what I’m doing. I know that I want her to be well and I want her to be happy. But I don’t know how to get there and I don’t know how I can best support her now.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice (especially a woman who’s been in a similar mindset as her before), this would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR;

• GF has a history of being raped and I pushed her to report a recent rape from a stalker for her safety.
• GF felt overwhelmed after the controlled call with the police and cheated on me immediately after this.
• GF traveled for 4.5 months afterwards, cheating on me with ~25 people.
• GF broke up with me after cheating but still does not acknowledge that she cheated.
• Ex-gf did this because she has borderline personality disorder and a history lying to herself to cope with trauma as well as lying to others to spare them pain.
• Ex-gf broke up with me because she can’t stop having casual hookups and has also become addicted to the emotional validations from some of the guys she’s seeing.
• Ex-gf is scared of the guilt and shame she would have to confront if she accepted that she cheated on me.
• I still love her, and I don’t blame her what she did.
• I do not see her any less for what she did and I committed to supporting her any way I can.
• Historically, when she begins spiring out of control, this process is exacerbated if she is without me (multiple examples of this in our years together). I fear that she will turn to heavy drug use or other forms of self-harm. This time, since she is breaking up with me and kicking me out of our apartment, and will spend most of her time traveling around the world hooking up with people, I have no way to be a meaningful positive influence on her.
• Because she lies to herself to cope with trauma, she refuses to believe that anything is wrong, and escalates the conversation to a fight if I convince her that something is wrong or asks her to seek help.
• I am not sure how to help her.

Hey, I’m a 23 year old male and she is 24 years old.

She has told me about it about 6 months into our relationship, it started making sense to me why she was so trustless and vigilant.

We went past those things and I support her in every way I can, although I can tell she is struggling.

Tonight she woke up crying and stayed up for over an hour while I comforted her until she fell asleep. I can see that she tries to be busy all the time to not think about it, but it comes back anyway whether through dreams or depressive episodes.

How can I help her? I think she needs to see someone to talk about it and work it through but I didn’t know how to bring it up and even if I should..

I understand trauma and how hard it is since I lived through some fucked up things, although I feel like if she’s going to try and ‚thug it out’ forever she’ll break or worse…

Any advice on how I can aporoach it or if there is anything that would significantly help her would be appreciated.

thank you

Hi

This is a hard post to make. Mostly because I’ve been running and hiding from this to protect myself. I also apologize in advance for any weird formatting or bad grammar and the extremely long post. Writing this out causes me to relive it.

About 5-6 years ago I got into my second relationship ever while I was still in high school. When we first began dating we were both 17 but I am about 6 months older. The relationship lasted for almost 3 years but honestly ran its course after about a year into the relationship. It didn’t take long for things to start seeming off to me about him. I sensed that he had an unhealthy relationship with pornography, but I was very inexperienced with relationships so it wasn’t something that I knew how to discuss or navigate at the time. I did try to go to his mom one time about it but she was no help. He definitely had a porn addiction looking back and it was one of the first red flags I had seriously overlooked when other incidents began happening.

The first incident that left me feeling very off about him was when I asked him to watch this youtube video with me that a channel I regularly watched had posted. The youtube video in question was centered around the 13 year old daughter of the family channel turning 14. The party was thrown at a pool so everyone obviously was in swim attire. well the 13/14 year old girl was on the large-chested side, which also happened to be one of my ex’s favorite assets on a female. When they showed the young girl in the youtube video, my ex suddenly claimed he had to go to the bathroom that was his sister’s bathroom upstairs. I immediately felt my intuition telling me that something was up because there was a perfectly fine bathroom in the room right next to us. While I was dating him, it seemed like he would get his “material” via Instagram so I immediately went straight to the young girls account (she’s semi-famous). I went to her Instagram and saw he wasn’t following her which gave me instant relief that I had been wrong. I refresh the page once and he’s suddenly following her. I didn’t know what to think but something about it felt wrong so when he came back from the bathroom I confronted him about it. It went really, really bad (he was mentally and emotionally abusive our whole relationship). I had no concrete proof other than what I had saw with my own eyes and unfortunately at the time I still was so easy to manipulate that I let it go. He just told me that he had followed not only her but another family member from the channel as well (also a lie/coverup). I didn’t get my concrete proof until several months down the line when I finally decided to check his saved photos on Instagram. To my disbelief he had saved a photo off the young girl’s instagram from the same day of that pool party in her bikini. It was clear he had saved it as soon as he got into his sister’s bathroom. For what reason? Who knows, but I do know that he was aware that the girl just turned 14. We were 17/18

Even so, he still was able to wiggle his way out of it by claiming he didn’t save it and his finger must’ve “accidentally” hit the save button. So unfortunately the relationship continued. It wasn’t until I was getting ready to leave for college when the next incident happened. His behavior throughout our whole relationship caused me to be extremely suspicious of him all the time. He was constantly hiding and lying about things to me so I started looking through his stuff for anything else I could find that could be on the same level as the instagram pic he had saved a little bit ago. I had initially only gone through his phone but once again something told me to go through his computer.

I sat at his computer and started looking through it. I didn’t really find anything until I began searching through his email. I went to his “sent” tab and found multiple emails that he had emailed to himself that lined up with the same date he got a new phone earlier that year and transferred all his iPhone data to the new one. That told me that he did not want those photos on his new iPhone but still wanted to store them somewhere. He often would jailbreak his phones so he could’ve had the photos hidden anywhere. I opened one of the emails and saw a screenshot he had taken of a girl’s instagram story, specifically a girl that he had been talking to throughout our entire relationship BUT she was of age at least so that was actually the least of my worries at that point. I opened up another email and found a pornhub link to stepsister porn. I didn’t know what to think about that either other than the girl looked extremely young in the video when I clicked the link so I am not sure if it was the subject of the video or the actress that made him want to save that particular video into his sent email tab. The next sent email that I opened I never could’ve prepared myself for. It was a screenshot of a post on Instagram of a middle-schooler topless with her breasts exposed. It looked like it was one of those old expose pages that used to be a thing when Instagram was still growing. My mind blocked a lot of this part out, but her name must’ve been tied to the photo because I was able to look her up and see that he was currently following the girl and actively liking her photos. At this point I thought I was done. No coming back from that at all, right? Well, he finds me at his computer and I simply tell him it’s over because I saw what was in his email. He immediately resorted to lying by saying he didn’t put that there or understand how it got there. I saw the dates bright and clear so there wasn’t much of a debate to be had on that. He clearly made the conscious decision to hold onto that specific picture years later and not only that but he knew that the photo was posted/spread against her will. When I told him this, he began to beg for me to stay. I mean literally hands and knees. It didn’t help that the same day that all went down, his parents kicked him out of his house. So he used that to his advantage as well, basically telling me he would end up on the streets with nowhere to go. Fucking awful but he knew it would work because of the type of person I used to be. At this point we were both 18. He managed to shift the focus from what he had in his sent email tab over to the fact we were now rushing into living together (he had to move in that same day). I have a deep hatred towards his parents for dumping their kid on me. During this time he also took the chance to delete everything while I wasn’t looking so there was no evidence left.

Another year or so of abuse occurred. Him moving in with me made it extremely hard to process and make the right decision. He isolated me from my family and friends so I had very little to no support system either so no one knew what was going on throughout our whole relationship. I was able to attend college for a semester or two before Covid hit and this made things even worse, trapping me with him. During this time I picked up a severe smoking addiction to cope with the trauma of it all. I knew I needed to get out and I started thinking about how I would do that. When Covid started calming down, I began working with my brother at a middle school as a substitute teacher. This was the best thing for me because I was able to get away from my ex and start opening up to my brother about what had been going on. My brother was a lifesaver and helped me get my courage back. I decided I was going to attend a different college that was very far from my ex boyfriend in hopes that it would be a way to get out of the relationship. I knew just straight up telling him I wanted to break up would be too easy for him to manipulate me into staying because he’s done it in the past. So I went through with moving to my new college and slowly let our relationship fizzle out which he was very aware of and upset about. I finally called it off when he insulted my brother over some advice he had given me. Something clicked in my head and it was like I had been released. It felt so good, I told him that I would not accept him going after my brother like that when my brother just cared about my well-being. Sadly he still tried to stick around in my life after that but I blocked him on everything maybe several months after the final breakup.

It’s now the end of 2024, and I have spent the last few years working very hard on building myself back up. Right after the breakup, I began seeking out professional help. I felt free from him but couldn’t shake the regret and self hatred I had for myself now after sticking through it for so long and not taking action back then. I started spiraling very bad as a result and dropped out of college temporarily. Around this time I also picked up a severe alcohol addiction, which was just another way to cope. I started becoming scared for myself and opened up to my parents about a few of my struggles to let them know I needed some support. Things got slightly better but as I continue to get older, I cannot shake the feeling that I need to report this. I now have a niece that is the same age as the girl in the pic he had in his email and it haunts me that there are creeps out there like him who are looking at young girls in such a manner. I’m not looking for revenge, I just want to do the right thing here and report it if this is something that seems like it should be reported. I’m hoping that if an investigation is launched, they will be able to access his Google email and find the deleted email, same with my claims about the young girl he saved in his instagram. If I report it, I’m going to try my best to get deleted texts of him admitting to it because I began calling him out for a lot of the stuff he did near the end of the relationship.

There was also one other incident that I’d like to mention that stood out to me and it was an incident that involved his father. At the time, my ex’s sister (16) had her best friend over trying on outfits. Well the sister’s best friend pipes up that she couldn’t come out and show us one of the new tops she bought because she didn’t have the proper bra for it. My ex’s father proceeds to respond with “oh that’s not a problem at all, we want to see your nipples”. this caused everyone around to gasp and his daughter and best friend were upset at him for a while after that. When I think back on that, I wonder if there has been something that the father has done too or if it influenced his son’s behavior at all.

Anyways, I survived barely. After all of it, I was diagnosed with multiple mental disorders notably C-PTSD. Even to this day it is still messing with me in my day-to-day life. Is it too late to report or should I even do it? Will they even look for the deleted email? I think even simply reporting it will allow me to actually start moving on from this. I loved his sisters though, and I’m definitely scared of retaliation. He also is gang affiliated now so I’m not sure what will come from all of this. Please anybody give me some advice. I plan on talking to my family as well if I follow through with this.

Earlier in April, I got into a relationship with a guy. He was amazing, not perfect, and neither was I, but we loved each other wholeheartedly. However, by the end of April, we started arguing a lot, and it felt like he was drifting away. In May, he broke up with me, accusing me of cheating, which I hadn’t done. When I asked him why he thought that, he said someone had told him, and that I seemed distant.

After the breakup, he quickly got together with one of his female friends, the same one I had always suspected wasn’t just a friend. Seeing them together hurt at first, but after a while, I couldn’t help but laugh because I realized I had been right all along.

In June, he texted me, wanting to be friends, but that didn’t work out. He asked why I had pushed him away during our relationship, which caught me off guard because I didn’t even realize I had. The truth is, before we broke up, I was sexually assaulted by a stranger, and I blamed myself for it. I didn’t tell him because I was scared. I didn’t even tell my parents, though I did seek help and am now in a better place.

When he found out, the arguments stopped, but I still didn’t understand why he thought I had cheated. He claimed I was flirting with other people, so I spoke to the people he mentioned, but they had no idea what he was talking about. When this got back to him, he was upset that I had talked to others about it, so I told him he wouldn’t have to hear from me again, and I blocked and deleted half of my socials.

In August, he texted me to tell me he was transferring schools and apologized for what he had said before. I forgave him. In September, I got back on my socials and gave him a follow because he had wanted it, even though we weren’t together anymore. On the second-to-last day of September, a friend of mine suggested that by blocking him in August, I had run away from my problems. But that wasn’t the case.

Staying close to him was painful—every time I saw a photo of him, it burned. I wished I was dead. I wished that instead of running into him in April, I had run into a bus. I loved him so much, and I gave so much of myself to him. Watching him with other girls while he claimed they didn’t matter was excruciating. His words during our arguments cut like a knife, and he made me feel like scum, even making me doubt whether I had cheated.

So, I left. I blocked him, I stepped back, and for once, I put myself first. I started focusing on myself, and I got better. When I saw him again, I felt nothing—and it felt good. My heart didn’t hurt anymore. It was at peace. I am at peace. So, am I the asshole, was my action justified ?

So, I (19M) and my sister (21F) were casually chatting and reminiscing about our childhood. I mentioned that our childhood was kind of rough, but eventually, it got better, right? (My mom and dad used to fight a lot, and my dad would often lose his temper with my mom, but he would apologize after a few days. This cycle kept happening.) She said it wasn’t as bright as I thought. At first, I assumed she was talking about our parents' marriage issues, but no—she told me that our father sexually abused her until she was 18. Then he stopped and apologized to her, saying he was sorry.

I just don’t know how to react. My father was always a loving and supportive figure. He helped both my sister and me with our education and careers. He was rational and gave us the freedom we needed. This was the image I had of him.

Now, I don’t know how to process this or deal with it. My sister seems okay for now, but I suggested she consider therapy to help her heal, and we’re looking into options for that. As for me, I don’t know what to do. Should I move forward without bringing it up with my dad and just act normal? I really don’t know, it’s all too much...

I’m struggling with coping regarding what my girlfriend has recently shared with me. My emotions are all over the place, I’m angry and heartbroken for her. I don’t know where to put the emotions and how to be sensitive regarding the topic and how exactly to proceed.

For context, we’ve been dating for about 8 months, she’s 4 years older than me and we are both women. We have been long distance for about 3-4 months because of work. Planning a trip for her to come to me next month and she was hesitating the day of to get the tickets and air bnb because she needed to share something with me first. She told me that before she met me while on a trip to do social and humanitarian work in another country one of the natives sexually assaulted her. They r worded her and left her with an STI. She communicated she knew she was wrong for waiting so long to tell me and it was obvious how badly the sexual assault still triggered her by how difficult it was for her to even talk about anything regarding the experience.

The entire time I’ve known this woman to be one of the kindest most lovable people I have ever known. Always willing to help people and give to the world. The fact that during her time to help people and do good work to build more for the people there one of them violated her and left her with a chronic life changing reminder of that traumatizing event.

First I told her I wasn’t angry, she wanted to prioritize my feelings and was taking full accountability. I decided to communicate that my love for her was still very much so present, and focused on asking some clarifying questions regarding what happened. I opened a can of worms I don’t think she’s opened in a long time. I had never seen her breakdown so much. She could barely speak. I could barely speak. I felt the pain , I felt anger at the thought of anyone hurting her so deeply.

My chest physically hurt, and my brain. It was hard to conceptualize what she had experienced. How scared she must’ve been, being in a whole other country where things are done differently and being alone. I gave her support where I could and we ended the night on ft. Next day I told her there was more I needed to speak on and know. We addressed the non disclosure and I told her although I understand why she waited to tell me. I’m her first other sexual partner since the event, and the way that we’ve been intimate prior to my knowledge was limited because I placed boundaries until I was more sure about std tests and was just overall more comfortable. That was a risk I knowingly took. I told her this and reaffirmed I was in no way angry with her, but in the future she needs to be honest with me and I shared why. She took accountability and fully understood me. I asked her if that man was brought to justice and who knew of her experience and status. She told me she never told the authorities in the country because she was afraid he would retaliate and hurt her because she didn’t know what connections he had there and she was afraid that the authorities there would kill him or worse and didn’t want that on her head, etc.

I couldn’t help but feel so angry. He gets to walk free when he hurt her that deeply?? He should be dead in my eyes. Or at the very least in jail. He does not deserve to experience life, or infect others. I didn’t want her to feel like I was angry at her but I couldn’t help but feel this unbearable anger. I kept it to myself as much as I could but I genuinely feel pain at the thought of him being free.

She told me no one in her family knew what happened to her. She comes from a family that has ties to the country, but she wanted to protect them from the hurt and decided to not tell them. That added to my pain because I felt like because they have ties maybe they could’ve brought him to justice somehow. Maybe they could’ve given her support. But she’s choosing to silence herself. She loves to talk and I know it’s killing her inside to keep holding her tongue and not sharing her truth. For years she’s done this. I’m struggling to not feel that pain in my heart and frustration at her lack of desire to speak up about what she’s experienced.

I see her as such a powerful and inspiring person. But when she shared everything, I’d never seen her make herself so small. I want him to hurt so bad. I want to find this man and give him the pain he’s caused times a million. It is not healthy to feel this way but I cannot help it. It’s causing me physical stress, I had a headache for days because of my inability to accept such a tragic experience for such a bright person.

She’s tried so hard to rebuild her life and become the best version of herself. No matter what though she is stuck with this biological change in her body because of a disgusting man who doesn’t deserve to live.

I’m feeling myself frustrated with the fact that she will not tell anyone what she’s experienced. It makes me feel like she’s taking away her own power. And I’m trying to understand why a victim of sexual assault might do that. Which adds to this rock sitting in my chest and the throbbing pain in my head.

This is adding on to my distrust, trauma, and disdain for men. I’ve never been r worded by a man only harassed because for the most part U avoid being around them. I reduce my interactions with them out of distrust for them based on the experiences of the women around me. It’s not healthy for me to live like that. But the evidence of the bain of their existence keeps finding its way to me. I have not known many women unscathed by a terrible man. It breaks my heart to know my love is one of those women who has been burned too.

How do I offer her support? I don’t want to ask her to share what she’s been through with her loved ones. But i want her too, it’s just not my place. Our conversations have triggered her and it’s clear she’s trying to stabilize her emotions after our conversations have opened a can of worms. She’s struggling to breathe and stay in the moment. I’m trying to help but I need to be honest with her. But i recognize I’m also limited in how much support I can offer her since I’m long distance rn. We won’t see each other in person for another month.

How do I support her? When do I bring up difficult topics? If there are any people who have been through similar situations what did you need or want from your partners?

For partners that struggled with their own emotions, how did you accept and not hold anger for them? What do I do with my emotions regarding this? How can I best support her and support myself? Who do I talk to?

I’m literally losing sleep over this and not eating. I want revenge for her. And my mental health is taking a hit.

I am reposting this because I really would like as much feedback as possible. I need this to reach the right people who can steer me in the right direction.

TW // Graphic details of an incident???

According to local news reports, he started perpetrating his crimes in 2019. He had been suspicious before that, but I had figured he had no boundaries because of his mental illness (that had been what my mother told me, at least.) He would always comment on my height, tell me I was so tall (I’m not that tall, maybe a couple inches taller than the avrg woman), and had referred to me as a “grown adult” since age 15.

One time, when I was 17, I had been showering late at night. We only had one bathroom, and I was used to multiple people occupying it at a time. He walked in on me naked, but he told me had a UTI. He then exposed himself to me, before I closed the curtain.

He strained to use the toilet, and I didn’t think anything of it. I was so fucking naïve. Looking back now, he probably felt emboldened that he could get away with exposing himself to someone that old, and then decided he could definitely succeed at molesting young children.

I had wrote about it in my diary, and I was so fucking stupid. I thought at the time I only felt uncomfortable because my mom had “brainwashed” me into thinking nudity was wrong??? What did he tell me?? Why did I believe him??

I feel like I can’t even be too upset about this, that feeling any way about this is just self-victimization. because it was my own passivity and stupidity that caused him to escalate.

I can sympathize with the child I used to be, but I can’t seem to sympathize with the teenager who should’ve known.