So, for lack of better words, I’m just going to explain things without going into the graphic details of it.

For as long as I can remember, up until I was around 11-12, I was sexually abused in a plethora of different abhorrent ways by both my parents. Reluctantly admitted, I’m too afraid to detail it all for the sake of my own safety, they lost custody eventually due to unrelated circumstances as I, alongside my siblings, were too scared to speak of the sexual abuse at the time, which I’m going to forever regret and blame myself for. The type of especially depraved shit my parents put me through has, without a doubt, fucked me up for the rest of my life, and I mean it quite literally. It has fucked with the structure & chemistry of my brain and left long-lasting physical damage of my body. I’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD FND, DID & Conduct Disorder which progressed to ASPD once I turned 18, all as a direct result of the abuse from my parents. I don’t learn from my mistakes, I’m stuck in a cycle of hyper-sexuality where I essentially reenact what I went through with older men & women and my sense of danger is essentially gone because I don’t care about myself, I don’t see myself as worthy. I’ve struggled a lot with substance abuse, restrictive eating, self harm, essentially any form of self destruction I can grasp because in a really fucked up way, it makes me feel as if I have more control over my autonomy than I did as a child.

Especially right now, I’ve found myself in an extremely fragile place, hence why I’m seeking an anonymous outlet. The nightmares won’t stop, and they’re so psychologically distressing that due to my FND, they tend to send me into a full-blown seizure, and flashbacks only intensify other symptoms throughout the day. My dissociation is getting worse, i can’t identify myself anymore, and it’s becoming more & more frequent that I have zero linear timeline of anything that’s happened recently, the gaps & barriers that I’ve worked so hard in therapy to try fix are getting worse, and I’m losing all hope because even though I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I feel like discussing these problems in a professional setting only makes things worse for me - does that even make sense in the slightest? No matter how hard I try, the trajectory of my life will always be altered by this and I’m so livid about it, I just want some normalcy for once. I’m M18, so I still live with my adoptive dad, but he isn’t really much of a support system, he physically hurts me frequently but I don’t really blame him for it that much, he works a lot to make ends meet and I guess he needs to blow off some steam, I’d take that over dealing with my biological parents ever again, but I wish I felt as if I had any sort of support system. I feel alone, like nobody could ever fathom it.

I was told not to apologize, but I really am sorry for posting here so much! I guess it's nice to finally be able to talk about what's been going on for so long.

Today I had a lot of doubts about actually getting out of this situation. My mind keeps telling me it's not so bad and I just need to get over it. It's trying to tell me that once I'm 18, everything will be alright and normal.

I think I love her, I at least really like her. She's usually really nice to me, and funny, and nice to hang out with. I like how she takes care of me but also doesn't treat me like a little kid. I just don't like it when she wants to have sex. She doesn't take no, and she gets mad when I tell her to stop. But other than that she's really nice and I like being with her!!

I know it's not right, but I tell myself that I should just be happy that I can be with her, for the price of having sex whenever she wants it. It's better than being with my mom. Should I really tell someone about how she hurts me? So much would happen, and I don't want her to get arrested.

I know it's wrong!! And I promised you guys I would tell someone. Just my stupid mind saying stuff again. It sucks.

17 male here, it's just I wanted to vent because a post in another sub triggered me and brought back a lot of memories, like I have a big butt and I have gynocumastia(a condition in which boys develop breasts), almost everyday I was groped, assaulted, bullied, molested, harrased. I don't even know how many terms I can place here so much was done by those guys and I was always made insecure about my body like gropping my chest and saying "shall I buy you a bra" or spanking me and say "how many times have you got fucked to have such a nice ass". It all began when I was still 9 and kept going on till 12, everyday they made sure to pick on me atleast once. I was always insecure about my body and even more so about interacting with anyone because whatever they did was in front of the whole class and I was ashamed by that

I don't know what even is the point of this post, it's just I'm too tired and my day is ruined by all this flashbacks,what I think is what did I ever do that I got treated like a sex doll or something like that instead of a human

i just need someone to tell me that they hear me, that this is real, that they care.

TRIGGER WARNING: DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

i told them that we could be intimate but i wasn't okay with orgasming that day. they knew i had trauma but they didn't know what it was (part of the trauma was childhood trauma, part of it was trauma from them lying to me and saying they weren't having a herpes outbreak when they were. they lied to me because they knew i wouldn't consent that day if they were honest. i never told them how badly this affected me and scarred me and made it impossible for me to trust them or my own body because i didn't want to hurt their feelings.). but the point is they knew i had some kind of trauma so i guess i hoped they would be sensitive to my consent even though they never were; they often pressured and often shamed me privately and once publicly on social media to their friends for not being sexual enough with them. their friends and even their mom had made comments to me that i should have sex with that person and essentially telling me to "man up."

before we got into bed i reminded them that i wasn't okay orgasming and they agreed again. they started touching me and i told them to stop because i felt like i was close. they stopped and let me "cool down." this happened again and they respected me when i said stop. the third time, i told them stop, and they kept touching me. i told them to stop a second time. and a third. when i realized they weren't going to stop, i pulled their hand away from me. luckily i was fast enough and strong enough and didn't cum when i didn't want to. i feel guilty about this sometimes. i feel like it's male privelege that i was able to get them off of me. i feel like if i opened up about it, someone would say "women don't get to do that" and i would say, "i know, i'm sorry."

i don't remember what happened next. i think maybe they asked me to touch them after and i did. i don't know.

later i texted them saying "i don't know if you didn't hear me but when i say stop i need you to stop." i specified over and over that i didn't want them to feel bad and they didn't do anything wrong. recently i was talking to my therapist about why i did this and i think it's because they rarely ever touched me and usually only wanted me to touch them, and they told me that my body was ugly and undesirable, so i sort of had an "i'll take what i can get" mentality. i felt so unwanted with them, so the fact that they actually wanted to touch me on some occassions made me feel some sort of desirable for a change. so i didn't want them to feel bad for assaulting me and never touch me again. sometimes i feel ashamed for this.

in response to my text, they simply said, "oh yeah, i heard you, i was just teasing." later they specified that it's hard to stop because they thought it would be hot if they made me cum on their own terms, and they "just wanted to see [me] squirm". this message is burned into my mind for the rest of my fucking life.

i seriously doubt the person even remembers this event. it didn't mean anything to them, it was just a split second decision they made to keep touching me. it was probably fun for them at the time and then they forgot about it. this is part of what makes it so disturbing for me. i don't know how i can trust anyone again when taking advantage of you is always simply a quick decision someone could make if you are vulnarable with them. every time i was vulnerable with them, they took advantage of me. why? because they could. because they wanted to see me squirm. that's all it took. i allowed myself to be naked in front of them, physically and emotionally, so it was so easy to hurt me and to use me. i gave them the option and they took it. i should have been more closed off with them. i should have never trusted them. but i loved them. they told me i could trust them.

this was over a year ago and i feel like i'm losing my mind. i hear about them sometimes because a lot of my friends are friends with them. i think they're doing fine. they weren't traumatized by the relationship in this way. they weren't assaulted like i was, because i always respected their consent and never, ever tried to convince them to do something they didn't want to do and shame them when they didn't do it. and this doesn't make me a hero, it makes me a human being. NOBODY deserves to have their boundaries ignored and pushed and their consent violated and taken away. they never deserve that. but i didn't deserve it either.

i'm glad i didn't leave them with this feeling they left me with. but, it hurts to know that while i'm withering away every single day, they're fine. i wish they weren't fine.

sometimes i wish i could meet someone new. sometimes i want to have sex. i don't think it's something i'll be able to do for a long, long time. maybe never. this is one thing i'm particularly ashamed of but sometimes i think about how the person who assaulted me doesn't have that problem. how they're probably having sex and enjoying it. i don't think of it in a weird way or imagine it or anything like that — but just the idea that still they have an entire important part of their life to enjoy and have positive experiences with. a part of life that i'll never have. i wish they hadn't taken that away from me.

a funny thing about that relationship was that i had gotten out of an abusive relationship before meeting them. i swore off relationships forever, but this person became my best friend. we were friends for years and became romantically interested in each other. they told me they would never do what that other person did and just wanted to give me all the love in the world. i decided to give it one last shot because i figured i would never trust another person as much as i trusted them. look how that worked out. it's a decision i regret every day. i don't think trusting them was wrong or stupid of me, but it was a mistake, and one i will never make again. they were so much worse than the other person that abused me. this wasn't love that they were giving me. they took whatever they wanted and ignored and violated my consent at every turn. they stole from me. this wasn't anything close to love.

i wish i could talk about my experience. i'm a man and they're not, so i've never spoken about it out of fear of not being taken seriously. they were just using their hands, right? guys like that sort of thing, right? they're very pretty, you're lucky. you should be grateful, not complaining. what did you do to deserve it? why didn't you want to cum? is something wrong with you?

the bigger fear is that they could also just lie and say that i assaulted them and no one would believe my word over theirs. i wouldn't put it past the person. i have a friend whose emotionally abusive ex lied about him being abusive towards her, and he lost everyone. he had a going-away party when he moved that he invited everyone to and i was the only one that showed up. he lost everyone. he wasn't perfect but i know for a fact that he didn't do what she claims he did. i can verify this. i would drop him as a friend like everyone else did if it was true. but the truth doesn't matter to people. i've lost a lot of friends for sticking by him. the reality is that his word as a man would never be taken as truth. man abuses woman, man sexually assaults woman. that's just how the story goes. and i'm sure there are other people that didn't believe the woman that accused him, but they would be ostracized if they chose his side over a woman's. so he lost everything.

i'm also still close friends with my assaulter's brother and sister in law, and i don't want to make their life hell by telling them that their sibling did this to me.

i don't know where to go next. therapy helps but the reality is that someone sexually assaulted me and they got away with it. their life is fine, and mine is in shambles. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't feel strong enough. when i wake up in the morning and when i go to sleep at night i'm thinking about what happened and their response when i brought it up. i've quit my job and am unemployed. i'm depressed. good days are made bad when i think about what happened, and bad days are made a whole lot worse. i feel nauseous a lot. i can't help but feel like i'm overreacting. that it was "just" their hands, that it didn't even go that far. but it affects me. I know this isn't nearly as bad as some other people's stories but it affects me.

i hate that i'm stuck suffering and never able to trust anyone again and they're fine, enjoying their life. they have a boyfriend and seem happy. i can't even talk about it with anyone because word would get around and that would put me in danger of the person that assaulted me retaliating against me. i wish i could open up about it. i wish i could tell my friends what happened. i wish i could write songs about it without worrying that someone will figure out what i'm talking about. i live in fear, always, and i can't take it anymore. i feel like a victim, not a survivor.

there's nothing i can do.

thanks for reading, sorry for so much text. i feel embarassed for writing so much more than people who have had far more traumatic experiences than me. i hope this is alright. thanks you everyone here for what you do here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=271ns34atUE

This is graphic and what he told me.

I was taking care of some relatives and he agreed to go to a party @ his half-brother's house. But his half-brother, like him, has an abusive family. Anyways, his half-bro's bro dragged him into a bedroom and took off all of his clothes. Literally my bf startef ejaculating and the h-b's bro asked him "You like this, don't you?" But my bf was just crying and camped there for the night. My bf was touched by the same guy the next morning and came back to my house, crying and injured.

I knew what happened and feel guilty about it. If only I'd been there to stop it, he wouldn't've been revictimized.

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a nice day. My day was tiring, so I'm glad it's weekend tomorrow.

I'm thinking a lot about how I'm going to get help, but I'm stuck. I could call the police straight away, but that's really scary. I wanted to tell a teacher first, because I don't want to do it alone. Maybe it's weird, but I wish that someone else could just speak for me. I know that won't happen, but maybe it'll feel less scary if I have someone else on my side first.

I don't know who of my teachers though, I'm not particularly close with any of them. I'm scared they might not believe me (although I'm working on gathering evidence right now). Not sure on whether to go with a male or female teacher either. I've heard that unfortunately a lot of men aren't really supportive of sexual assault victims, especially other male ones, but I want to believe that teachers would be better! On the other side I don't know if I'd be comfortably telling it to a woman, since I've been assaulted by a woman...

And then, I don't even know what I'm going to say. I just feel like I can't even say it out oud. Writing it down here is becoming easier, but that's because I'm not talking face to face with someone. I can't even say it out loud when I'm alone. What do I say? Agh! So many difficulties.

It might be silly but I'm also afraid this all will interfere with my schoolwork. If I have to go to the police and stuff and they might put me in a different home, then it'd be difficult and stressful to make time for school. I don't want to fail this year!!

Thank you for listening. This community is really nice, I'm really thankful for all the kindness and help you guys have shown me!

Its been awhile, this thought of writing her a letter as been a on going for about one month I recently found out that she is going to be able to go for parole now I don't hold anything against this women what happen to me wasn't easy how things were handle by my old civil attorney and his partners was not okay they did not care one bit about my future they want to make some big money off my lawsuit against ( unnamed school district ) one person who did their job right and got me some justice is a female detective who will go unnamed out respect. Now about this letter I spoke to my therapist she didn't sugar code it, I don't expect her to sugar code things she said that what it sounds like that I need to meet someone who can provide those things like emotional support, shared values, and a desire for a partner who shares their life goals and morals but that I could not seek that from this person the current female inmate I wasn't sad to hear this response from my therapist but Im disappoint in myself forgetting this person the female inmate hurt me raped me and touched my body.

I can’t stop thinking about how the person who abused me died before I could even make sense of what happened to me. I can’t even dream of any kind of justice. I know of people who’ve done similar things and worse than what I’ve been through and they always seem to do just fine in life, I don’t know how they get away with it, I feel disgusting like no one cares.

So its been 4 years nearly 5 years since it happened and I've never done anything like this before. It's very confusing and twisted so much so I could write a book about it. I just turned 15 and was dating a girl at the time and the mother of the girl was very nice to me and I never got much attention from a parental figure and had a rough time in school so it was nice to be treated well. At the time I spoke to the mum a fair bit and she helped me a lot with depression and such, but she started getting flirty and buying me gifts which I thought I was in control of. The daughter was adopted which adds a layer of thickness to the messed up situation. It's very confusing so I apologise for the confusion. Messages were exchanged while still dating the daughter all friendly or so I thought, the mum started telling me how much I reminded her of her late boyfriend and started giving me his jewellery and dressing me the way he dressed. It felt as though I was becoming this image. Soon after the daughter and I split. This was still happening unknown to the family. One day she invited to her home and that's when it first happened, she tied me up and whipped me with a belt which I thought was exciting you know but the more she changed me and got me into drugs the more worse it got and the more forceful she got. The gift buying and compliments didn't stop and she planned to take me away so we could escape others. I stopped counting after 50 times I just felt numb to it. She would OD and blame me and drag me back in. By this point I was an optiod addict and alcoholic. I escaped after my 2nd overdose 2 years later and completely got her out of my life just never properly dealt with it and there's not many groups for guys out here. I'm now 19 nearly 20 and have been clean for nearly 3 years. I have health problems likely caused by these events and will have them for life. But I no longer use I miss using a lot but I don't. I don't even take painkillers for my health problems. I'm sorry if this has caused triggering of any kid just feels good to tell my story and for people to understand.

Thank you

Hey all. I'm sorry I've been posting here so much, this community is very kind and I feel safe talking here!

I'm getting ready to tell someone about what I've been going through, but all sorts of doubts are holding me back. I don't know what's going to happen to me, or how they'll react. But I also think I'm going to miss my abuser.

I know you've all told me that she's just using and manipulating me, but I'm still grateful for the nice things she's done for me.

She took me in and gave me a place to stay when I couldn't be at home. She fed me and brought me to school when mom wouldn't. She took care of my wounds when my mom hurt me. She hugged me and told me it would be okay. She made me feel loved!

But that doesn't take away from the fact that she hurt and raped me, more times than I could ever count. I don't want to feel this way about her, I don't want to love her, but I really do.

Truly I wish that she would just stop hurting me and everything would be okay, but I know that's not possible. I don't want her to be arrested or anything, but that's probably what will happen.

I will get help, I already promised you guys, but it's difficult and I'm scared! Thank you for listening.

Throughout my teenboy years I was molested on a pretty regular basis by 2 older men, more frequently by the first one tho. I’ve come to terms that it wasn’t my fault & that I was vulnerable.

But the thing I’ve struggled with more in my adult years is that even throughout my 20s I was molested kinda similarly, during separate times, by 3 other older men. I always felt more embarrassed about those times because I felt like as an adult male I should’ve been able to save myself from being molested like this. It’s a much longer explanation how it came to that. But yea I’ve never told anyone in my family or any close friends & definitely none of my ex gf’s about those 3 older men that regularly molested me throughout my 20s. I honestly tried with all my strength to try to push his head away from in between my legs, & I tried to close my legs too. But he just forcefully grabbed my legs & pushed them wide apart again & he pinned my legs open like this by holding them apart with his elbows & he also grabbed my wrists & held me down on my back like this. He then just continued aggressively sucking on my erection & I was begging him to please stop. I was struggling & squirming underneath him but I felt ashamed, embarrassed that he was overpowering me so easily. I just felt weaker & weaker the more he was molesting me like this. I still feel pretty embarrassed that I couldn’t handle anymore & even tho I was trying to resist him molesting me like this was causing me to whimper & moan & inevitably he was making me helplessly orgasm for him. I felt so helplessly vulnerable & overpowered, but also mostly embarrassed that even as an adult male I still wasn’t able to save myself from being molested like this, molested the same way I had been when I was younger. I feel embarrassed that back then he molested me like that pretty regularly & that I never told anyone. I had wondered before about telling someone about how I was molested like that when I was younger, but now that it was happening again in my adult age I felt even more reluctant to tell anyone. I just always felt so stupid & weak, like even if I told the cops or whoever I would just be ridiculed or no one would take me seriously or even believe me. So I never told anyone, but that also meant that those men continued to molest me like this.

Several years ago I’ve tried sharing some of this before on other online forums & sites, but I was mostly ridiculed & overly questioned about a lot of this stuff. Been told things like, “why didn’t you just kick his ass!”, “you probably wanted it!” “What kinda man can’t stop another man from molesting him!”

If you’ve read this far, I understand you probably have some of those questions too & maybe other questions or variations of those questions, so I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me or that you simply don’t understand any of this. In the past I’ve been messaged by more than a few people telling me stuff like that, just simply telling me that none of it makes sense or something else. I get it, it’s been confusing to me as well for many years. Part of why I am reluctant to tell anyone in my family or close friends is that I’m scared they would say some of those things as well, not believing me or something. It’s one thing if people online don’t believe or understand me, but I don’t think I could handle it if my family & friends reacted the same way. This is part of why I’m so reluctant to admit to any of them. Honestly I just want to have a small outlet to vent this stuff, to discuss it openly without judgment or ridicule & for now, writing about it online is the cathartic release that help me the most I feel. It help me to feel like I’m not trapped in my own head with those memories of how I was molested all those times. That’s all I wanted to say for tonight. I hope you other people have someone to talk with even if is online, I know it help me to talk about it so I hope you have some way to help you through this. Take care of yourselves. I am trying to do the same. 🫂

I'm still being sexually assaulted so I guess that's why I feel like it's not getting better, but I wonder if it will ever get better even when I'm out of this situation.

Do you ever stop feeling like it's your fault? Do you ever not panic when someone touches you? How do you cope with it?

I was drinking one night and I decided to message a girl I had previously had sex with. Didn’t think she would actually come over bc she lived far. I kept drinking with that in mind. But she did arrive, and that’s all I could remember. She laughed and joked about how blacked out I was and how I could barely walk and throwing up. All I remember after that was waking up on the floor outside her house in a whole different town. She said I was too far gone for her to leave me alone. I asked if we had sex and she said yes. She said I got a bit aggressive and while we were having sex she wanted to stop but I kinda didn’t. She later joked and laughed about it, bc she kept telling me about how drunk I was. How I struggled to get into the Uber to her house, how I fell asleep in it. I remember nothing. The day after she starts being flirty and asking to see me again. I didnt know how to feel about the whole thing. I felt horrible. I never meant to hurt her. I don’t even remember if I’m the one who asked to have sex or if it was her. She then later told me she was going away for a while but she also said that I raped her and she was planing on telling the authorities. How could I have raped her??? I was blacked out, barely able to walk, she had to walk me outside and inside the Uber. Did I do something evil while I blacked out? Or did she take advantage of me? I’m so afraid of what’s going to happen next. There were cameras outside that most like captured the state I was in that day. But women always hold all the power in these type of situations. The day she was supposed to leave (military) she told her Sargent about it. They called me in for questioning. I told them exactly what happened, how much I drank what I remembered. They kept saying I was at fault, but she knew how drunk I was, she saw how I was throwing up and barely able to walk. I apologized for what happened even though I have no memory of it. They told me I was super lucky they didn’t call the cops and the let me go. Something tells me it’s not over. I don’t know if I should contact a lawyer or wait to see what happens. I’m afraid

I've made two posts in this sub-reddit before and everyone has been really nice and helpful, thank you for that. I won't go over the whole story again, but as a small recap: I'm 15 and my 28 year old neighbor is using me.

I didn't want to report her before, because I really thought she was my friend. But many of you have pointed out that a friend wouldn't hurt me like this. It still hurts to believe that, but I think I know it's true.

Even though I'm still really scared to tell anyone, and I'm not sure who I would tell yet, I promise that I'll at least try. I think I'd go to a teacher at school. I don't know what the future will look like, but I think it's okay to take it one step at a time. I'm scared, but you guys are all really nice to me. Thank you.

The first time I was 8 years old and my brother wanted to play a game over and over again and obviously I didn't have the conscience to know what was happening, my brother was 16 years old and he raped me almost every day for 3 or 4 years in a row, but it didn't end there because one time a friend of my brother stayed over for a few days and they both raped me during those days, I didn't want to but I liked what I felt, today I'm 15 years old and I know that I'm bi and I have sex with mature people, men and older women. Today my relationship with my brother is good. I just noticed that nothing happened

Am I cooked?

I'm boutta go to bed, so I won't give a whole speal or nothing. I was sexually assaulted moderately intensely when I was younger and I can tell some symptoms of trauma still very much follow. I can't get passed first or second base, I get questionable gay rape fantasies of me getting assaulted again, I'm so emotionally stunted and I won't even see therapist for any of it. Am I cooked?

First of all thank you for all your support. I've gotten so many kind and helpful messages on my last post! You guys encouraged me to be more open and look for help.

I'm 15 and I'm still being assaulted by a 28 year old woman. She's my friend, but a lot of you have pointed out that she's just using and manipulating me. It hurts and I don't want to believe it, but maybe it's true...

I also received questions about my home situation, even though this sub-reddit isn't about that I hope it's okay I still talk about it. I live with my mother (don't have a dad), she's alcoholic and neglectful. For as long as I can remember she's hated me and hurt me. That's why I was so drawn to my neighbor, she showed me kindness and gave me a place to stay when my mom hurt me. My mom knows what my rapist does to me, but she doesn't care.

I really want to look past the fact that she rapes me. I did for so long, I was just happy that someone loved me. But it's hurting me more and more and I'm scared for the future. I'm also scared she might get pregnant. I don't even want to think about what would happen then.

I'm just scared what will happen if I tell someone about it. I don't want her to get in trouble. I like her, I really do. She's my friend and she's nice to me. I just want her to stop hurting me. This would also mean that I don't have an escape from my mom anymore. Unless I tell them about her abuse too, but then I'm even more scared of what would happen. Where would I end up? What if it's worse there? I'm scared.

My therapists and mental health professionals I have misunderstood all misunderstood me and treated me for issues I didn’t have. The therapist I first saw quite literally shoved me into a box with basic CSA victims and quite literally would just listen to me and lead me on only to blurt something showing she completely misunderstood. She put me in boxed I felt I didn’t apply to. She was confident I felt victimized and violated even though my abuse was with a guy the same age who manipulated me by boundary desensitization and orgasms. I never felt violated but felt extremely confused about my orientation and much hornier than your average Joe from this.

I was having a bunch of bad hypersexual episodes(edging for 12+ hours) where I kept getting off to my trauma and couldn’t stop it even though it bothered me a lot, and she knew my screen time was exploding and did not bring up that getting off to your trauma and hyper sexuality are normal responses to CSA. With no strategies and feeling isolated, my hypersexual episode worsened ended in being put in psychiatric hospital by my parents where they diagnosed me with an acute psychotic episode with AN UNKNOWN CAUSE.

Then, in the psycheatric hospital, the mental health professionals who are trained to handle childhood sexual abuse because it id in their question are proceed to tell my parents that “they think it was experimentation and consensual”. Dispite me sharing my new found knowledge about being abused with multiple staff members, the hospital proceeds to treat me for psychosis versus evaluating me for sexual trauma but not traumatic trauma. They were more concerned about me having suicidal, homicidal, and hearing voices in my head than they were with the SEXUAL ABUSE I DISCLOSED TO THEM.

Because of this, I have been in purgatory for a year unaware that I had been mistreated before diving deeper.

I'm being assaulted by a woman and don't know how to get out.

It's difficult for me to speak about this, but I feel that I need to do it.

I'm a 15 year old boy and I've been assaulted by a girl for years now. She's 13 years older than me (28 right now) and I've known her since I was 9. She's my neighbor and we became friends. I struggle with my home life, but this girl was always very nice to me and gave me a place to stay when I couldn't be at home.

Even though she was always nice, she was also weirdly physical with me. Touching me, making me touch her, stuff like that. I didn't realize it was bad when I was younger, I was just happy that she was my friend. I think I was 11 when we first had sex. All I remember was crying and her telling me it was okay. I never particularly liked it, but I wanted to make her happy. I know it's wrong now, and it's making me more scared every year.

I told her to stop, many times, but I'm also scared she might get angry with me and hurt me. I spend a lot of time at her house (I suppose I basically live there now), and she wants me to permanently move in when I'm of age. I like her, but I don't like how she likes me.

I don't know how to get away. She's been my only friend all my life, the only person who was really there for me. We basically live together already and I'm just so lost.

I had to get that off my chest, thank you for listening. Help or advice is very appreciated. (Sorry for posting this in multiple sub-reddits, I'm not sure which is the right place)

I have a girlfriend now, it’s been so long since it’s happened but I don’t think I can ever really heal from it. I was so young, barely into my double digits and I got taken advantage of by a man I thought I could trust, an old fucking piece of shit that haunts me now. I can’t even fathom the idea of having sex with my girlfriend, I hate the idea of it so much, it’s been ruined for me. She has her needs and I can’t fufill those because I got my innocence stolen from me. I’ve never told any person this in real life, and I don’t think I ever will. It’s just been so long yet it hurts still so much, I just can’t forget it.

Last year I was assaulted by an unassuming manager. We were talking. He told me about some food pantries and written them down and gave them to me. That turned into him checking to make sure nobody was around and he started groping me and I was too scared to do anything about it. I quit a month or so after it happened. I went to therapy and pretty much forgot all about him and what happened. Today I was cleaning up my place and went in a draw filled with junk to throw away and I found the paper he gave me not even remembering it was from him. I unfolded it halfway, scanned it and saw some addresses on it. I unfolded the rest and saw a number which I thought one of the recent people I've been talking to gave me and called it. When I heard his voice I quickly disconnected the call and destroyed that paper. He tried calling back and texted me asking who it was and I just said it was a wrong number but, he was weirdly insistent on being friends even though he's never seen that number before. I feel so stupid for even calling a random number. I should've just destroyed it from the start. Now, I'm going to hate myself all day.

I don't care anymore if you bash me. I'm done with the FAKE toxic positivity.

I was 16 yrs old, got raped by fat white dirty old man in his 70s.

Am I healed? HELL NO!

But I am still alive NOW. That's what matters.

The healing is really hard though. Every time I had sex I always remember those night that I am helpless. I am very angry and I don't enjoy sex anymore. I just don't know where to start. I feel so bad for my soon to be partner. Life's been a roller coaster for me so far.

Bdw, I am going to be part of queer community now. If anyone is interested, I am currently in Houston and I'm (Filipino), We can take care of each other. I just need loyal companion.

I (M, almost 21 now) recently saw a post expressing support for all victims of sexual violence, and I decided now was the right time to post this, but it’s by no means easy.

I was added to a random group chat on Snapchat with a few girls I didn’t know very well (they were in high school, I’m sure of it), and the group chat was called “(my name) fan club”. I thought it was odd. Maybe this was some kind of joke? I ignored it for the most part at first. But then they started sending strange messages and snaps, and I got the ick and had a feeling I needed to gather screenshots of the conversations. After I took one, one of the girls sent a message saying “boner alert”, and I felt even worse. I knew something was up, but what could I have done? Eventually I had to tell them not to contact me anymore. Suddenly they were apologetic, giving me awful excuses. “Sorry my sister had my phone.” “Sorry some other girls had my phone”.

After that, I had enough, and I left the group chat. At that point, I had the thought of filing a police report, but in the end I decided not to. Was it sexual harassment? Did I do the right thing? I never thought about it once for over a year, but tonight I just couldn’t help but cry. Why? Why me? Why did they have to go after a college student like that? Was I in the wrong? I have so many questions…

I don't even know where to post this or what to do and I'm not exactly thinking clearly, so I'm sorry if anything is weird or wrong. I've posted on this reddit before, moreso asking if it was real. My problem is that I can't sleep. I can't even be without a distraction for more than a minute, and I'm not exaggerating. My parents are constantly arguing and all the yelling is upsetting and loud, so obviously I can't sleep with all that going on. One of the people who did that is dead. He's been dead for a year, he died on Oct 11th last year. I'm a minor and can't leave but my other one lives in the same house. I can't shut my eyes without a massive flashback occuring. I can't have it be silent without wanting to scream. She's an amazing sister and we're fun and everything, but recently things have been getting worse. I can't speak up and it's not as bad as last time so Ig it's better than nothing. It's really just overly sexual gestures and moreso touches. But it doesn't go under the clothes or anything like that anymore. But I feel so scared or nervous to sleep or even be alone. I can't take showers because of the water hitting my back. I can't listen to certain music. I can't open my eyes in the dark. It feels like I'm constantly having a flashback and all my friends were saying I was a slut or gross. They were making jokes about me being experienced or used to it, someone even asked for the details. I can't do anything and have nowhere to go.

TLDR; Abuse getting worse but it's not super bad. I can't sleep, shower, or go more than a minute w/o distraction. I can't do anything about it. I can't tell anyone, they just tell me parents and it doesn't help. Any short term tips or things to do would help. But you don't have to. I'm just really tired and want to sleep for once without a nightmare, waking up, etc.

Also, I don't know if this is the correct community to post in given that I'm not a cis male, but in every setting I'm in regarding it, I'm treated how most men get treated. Idk if that's important or not, but just a note in case.

I am so fucking tired of all this . Feels like I will die . I was talking to 2 users who said they wanted to help me but as soon as I said am a guy then just blocked me . Even lot of sa helplines in my country don't help male victims .

Idk what to do . I feel so isolated . I am so tired of being treated like this because am a guy. I am so tired of people not understanding men are victims too & women are abuser too . I don't have anyone to talk to .

I just want to die .

TW: Details of sexual abuse and bullying

I 19M am having doubts about my abuse and it's driving me insane. I just need to give my story so I can have someone please validate me.

It all happened with a boy (12M then) who we will call Luke and me (age 9 then). We used to play with the other kids who were closer in age to me. However, the kid has severe anger issues and he starts to bully and torment me.

Like he would insult me try and divert other kids attention away from me. He would insult me and make fun of me and I would beg for him to stop. He would (non-sexually) harass me just to intimidate me for no reason. He once punched me hard in the face. His friends his age would also harass me and once punched me hard in the arm in a specifc spot to cause a lot of pain and then would laugh about it. I would hide from him and he would call me a chicken.

Then we made "peace". We then became "friends" and I saw him as like a cool older brother. However, I was well aware of his capability to get angry and I was still scared of him when he gets angry so I also walked on egg shells around him.

Then he asks me if I want to have "gay sex". I reluctantly agree, but I think he's joking. He takes me to a secluded area and starts to give me oral sex and make mouth contact with other areas and touches me in sensitive areas too. I found it uncomfortable but didn't initially say anything. Then later on he asks for "gay sex" again. I keep saying I don't want to and he starts nagging me then he starts to sound angry. Me knowing what he is like when angry I concede and let him do what he wants.

This happens multiple times over the course of a year. Then I move away (I was 10 and Luke 13 by then) ending the abuse. I didn't understand what was going on but it felt wrong, uncomfortable and I hated it.

However there is 1 incident that I remember very well. I remember once me and my friends made him angry. He is very angry at us. He makes peace with the others without them needing to do anything. However not me. He continues getting angry and I'm very scared. He says in order to be "friends" again I have to have "gay sex" again with him. I beg him not too and that I don't wanna do it but I wanna be "friends". He doesn't budge and I give up and let him do what he wants.

Some other notes are that he once told me he is trying to get his little sister to flash once (she is my age). He also bashed a nerf gun into a kids head once and he also once tried to get me to lift my shirt up to one of the kids too. However that kid isn't actually involved in the abuse and has done nothing wrong.

Im terrified, shaking and crying rn i have no idea what to even do. When I was 14 I was raped by an older girl, I think she was maybe around 25. There was no protection nothing but i never heard from her or saw her again. I didnt even know her name. Im now 34 and have a wife and a 3 year old son, my own son. And i just had a message on facebook from a 20 year old boy claiming he thinks i am his dad. I dont even know how he would know, i dont even know if its him. I could be a father, i mightve been one at 14 and not even known. Holy fuck i think i might kms. I cant do this. Everything that happened to me was so repressed and deep and my wife doesnt even know it happened.

Thought I might buy some new pyjamas so went earlier this week and tried them on in the shop changing room (just underwear). When I came to taking off the bottoms and going past my thighs, I shuddered and had a flashback (which had more detail and made me feel dirty & helpless again).

I don't like having my thighs and waist touched anyway, as it triggers me off, but this was much a stronger wave of "I really don't like this touching sensation at all".

Still feeling rough from it now.

Please be kind... this situation is so painful. I feel so guilty we even put ourselves in the position to allow this to happen.

My husband got very drunk and blacked out. He remembers passionately kissing another woman in bed but nothing else. I saw him less than an hour earlier and he was fall-down and slurring wasted. The woman was a friend who we trusted and seemed relatively sober - embarrasingly in retrospect, her and I were laughing about how ridiculously drunk he was.

After I went to bed she went to another room where he was sleeping. All we really know is that the kissing seemed mutual/passionate.

He told me immediately after he realized what happened and showed me the texts with her where she confirmed something happened and they both apologized.

How can we work through this? We cannot seek more information from her because he does not want to and I respect that, they agreed not to ever talk about it, I am worried he was the initiator, we'll learn things we don't want to know, and I don't want her to know this is destroying me because I think that may give her some kind of twisted satisfaction.

I know he was in no position to have sex and trust he would remember if that happened. I trust he doesn't remember anything more than he's told me.

How can we recover from this? How can I support him and what can I do to help us both heal?

I (18 but turning 19 before next monday), booked an appointment with a university SVLO for monday next week. It is mainly to discuss support and therapy for me after I reached a bad low and probably my worst low in the last 3 years about my CSA.

I reached a redline on Friday when watching a lecture online and being unable to listen and I was on the verge of tears, and being unable to study without almost crying on saturday. I also literally wanted to do nothing but be in my room and talk to nobody the entire weekend. I also have been constantly having intrusive memories for 2 weeks.