td;lr: I (M24) saw my sexual assaulter out in public yesterday and I’m feeling unsafe and vulnerable.

A few years ago, when I was 18, I downloaded Grindr. Since 14, I’ve had different feelings on my sexuality, and at the time I wanted to explore gay sex just to explore and see if I liked it. I met a guy round theirs on there under the understanding that I was a virgin, so I wanted to take it one step at a time and see if I did want to do anything sexual. I ended up feeling visibly uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to do anything, but one thing led to another, and I froze, they pinned me down and continued even when I repeatedly asked them to stop. I guess that means the definition of rape, but i still even today, question whether it was my fault, I still haven't fully accepted it.

Yesterday, I saw them in town just passing by. They didn’t see me, but I felt immediate distain, shame and unsafe. I was at a social event at the time, and from that point onwards I was massively disassociating, and I went home early. Today, I feel so shameful, gross, and awful. I feel stupid, I feel invalid. I don’t know how to feel.

I think it has manifested a lot in how I view intimacy in relationships, it made me incredibly closed off emotionally and physically with the last female partner I was with. Letting people in is a big issue w/ me and it’s partly why she ended things with me. I never really mentioned it but I feel scared of the idea of sex a lot, and sometimes I even turn off music w/ sexual lyrics.

I’ve never brought this up to anyone properly, not even in therapy yet. One of my closest friends, I told a few months ago that I felt I’d been violated but have never gone in much detail. And I did tell my last partner that I think I was raped, but never explained in much more detail. I also feel very strange about my sexuality. Since 18, I’ve had 3 relationships with women, and never explored my sexuality since. I’m recently out of a breakup too, and it’s not something I feel like pursuing rn also. I have many queer friends, but I’ve never mentioned my sexuality to them. For some reason I don’t feel queer, I almost feel like to say that I’m queer would feel offensive to them, but then I don’t know how I feel about my sexuality. Is this a stupid/strange/weird thing to feel? I think I'd like to open up to them about this but don't know if it makes sense.

Overall, I just feel confused, tired, sad, and shameful. I can't seem to function today, so I'm here writing this cause I don't know where else to turn. I thought about calling Samaritans but I don't know how I feel about speaking about it on the phone rn. In my head I just keep hearing: i'm so stupid. I just want to cry. And I don't know where to turn to. I feel so alone.

Throwaway account. So a couple years ago, I had a girlfriend. We were long distance. She was extremely manipulative towards me. And one day, we finally got to meet at a mall. We had a great time and i was having a blast (mostly bc she was the first girl who’d ever actually stayed for a while, as I was a young teen). Well, after a bit, she ended up asking me to have sex with her in the family restroom. I told her that I didn’t want to because It was our first time meeting and I wanted to just spend the time with her. And she prodded and prodded and prodded and eventually said “if you don’t, Ill get someone else to do it” (mind you she was fairly good looking in my eyes so I believed that just about everyone would do it if asked). Obviously not wanting her to do that, I did it. I didn’t want to, I hated it. But that’s why it doesnt feel like rape. She didn’t force herself onto me, and I could’ve easily said “fine, I’m leaving you” but I didn’t. I hate myself and I feel disgusting even posting this on here because it feels like I’m just playing the victim.

TL;Dr: my long distance ex convinced me into sex by saying “if you don’t I’ll go someone else to do it” and I feel like I could’ve just walked away

Edit: thank you all so much

Richard Gadd said in a recent interview that he still struggles with "toxic empathy" towards one (or more) of his abusers, and I think those two words describe my feelings properly.

By that, I mean I find myself wondering if my rapist knew what he was doing was rape. To recount; as he began to initiate sex I didn't like how it felt and I got up to stop it because I wasn't interested, but he still pushed me back down and continued to ram his dick into me despite that I was making it clear that I didn't want it.

Yes, even despite that, I still find myself wondering if that was what happened. I'm honestly not sure why. Thankfully the "Occam's Razor" part of my brain kicks in, but it's still weird having that feeling.

Anyone else have the same thing happen to them?

When I tell people about my SA they always ask this one question ''why do you think it happend'' and I have no idea why people ask me that I don't even know what the fuck I'm supposed to say either am I supposed to have an answer? Why do you think people ask me that? it makes me feel so invalidated like I'm supposed to have a reason and that's always the FIRST thing someone says to me after sharing not even a ''im so sorry'' just asking me that?? Anyways can someone give me a reason someone might ask me that or do I deserve to be upset when people ask me that.

I dint really wanna explain but this one time I keep thinking about. Maybe cause they told me they’d been SA’d n it’s so weird. Why would anyone do that how could do it someone else if you know what it’s like I don’t get it. And it really sucked n I knew I didn’t want it but I during it seeming so gentle I guess and whenever I think about it a bunch I get kinda hard n I hate that why is happening to me. It really sucked ya know n it sucks to think about at all. Just why’s that gotta happen like it isn’t bad or humiliating enough.

I 23m was drugged and raped three times by someone I thought I could trust over a year ago and I I've blamed myself every day I hate myself for letting it happen I hate myself for going back I hate myself for not fighting It's made me feel worthless embarrassed and disgusting I began to hurt myself and I never planned on telling anyone or saying anything but things have happened and it's all become to much it's been affecting my relationship more than it already was and I felt so helpless I finally told my partner and she just didn't believe me it broke me I feel like everythings falling apart and I feel like giving up on everything I dont have anyone I can talk to or trust I just wanna lay in my bed and die

Between Quiet on the Set, Baby Reindeer, and the Kevin Spacey docuseries I feel like there’s this groundswell of media that is focusing on SA and specifically SA against men. As someone who was raped/molested as a young child and as a teen, this is all a bit overwhelming. I simultaneously want to talk about what these shows bring up for me/how I’m processing them with everyone and no one at the same time.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt my experience as a SA victim this sharply while also feeling so alone in it. I have a therapist that I meet with weekly but idk, it just feels like there’s so much to process. Anyone else feeling this way?

I recently learned I was sexually abused by a babysitter when I was a kid. I feel like I’m fine with it most days but every now and then I have flashbacks of what he did and it’s such a bizarre feeling. It’s like I can’t think about anything else and I have no control over it. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Therapy is expensive and I don’t really have anyone I’d like to talk to irl about this at this point.

i can’t sleep and feel like talking to someone would help

I was repeatedly abused by my babysitter when I was a child, and I know it’s dumb but I really struggling with opening up about it to any one in real life. I just feel like there’s such a stigma around being a guy who’s experienced this and I don’t want anyone to think less of me. But at the same time I’ve been struggling to cope with the memories lately. Lately I’ve just been coming on Reddit to talk to people about it which even that feels like such a big step for me. But idk if it’s really all that helpful in the long run. Anyone else have this issue?

Hi, I want to start off by saying this is about family members and not about me (although as a woman, I have experienced multiple attempts of assault). To add context, I was about 10 years old when my mother told me what my father went thru as a child. In detail. I know it was at least 4-5 men (cousins, neighbors) that repeatedly raped my dad from age 5 to 11. My father is schizophrenic now and I have had to mourn the kind of father he could have been if he had gotten help earlier (didn’t go to doctor for this until his late 40s). My husband of 15 years went through something similar. He confessed to me when we first started dating and said he was molested by someone that worked at his middle school (didn’t say teacher). Has never really brought it up again except in cases that we were watching something that triggers a memory. Because he’s never dealt with this, he has developed an alcohol habit and he has come to terms with being an alcoholic. No matter how many times he tries, he always goes back to it. I truly believe that if he tried to talk about his trauma and deal with it, that he could successfully beat alcohol addiction. What can I do to help and support him? I am at a loss, he is an amazing man, the love of my life. I get so angry at how both of the most important men in my life have had to experience something so horrific. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone but me, but im not a professional, what do I say? I feel so helpless, and all I want to do is take that pain away from him. He just recently turned 40 and I don’t want him ending up like my dad 😭

I was SA'd between the ages of 11 and 13, by a much older (I think forties, at the time) family and church acquaintance. Sometimes I go months, or up to a year, without the experience coming up in my memories, but at other times, it haunts me daily.

As the thread title says, I'm not able to form a relationship, and, due to my experience, I'm not a virgin, but I've never had sex with a woman (I'm heterosexual). Most of the time, I think its just because I'm simply too ugly, but if I want to be honest with myself, I have come across situations with women that there seemed to be mutual interest but I won't progress further, and she'll move on; I simply just feel inadequate, and to say my self-esteem is extremely low is an understatement.

One interesting fact, is that I also find it difficult to ejaculate, and if/when I am about to, I start feeling a panic attack come in; I no doubt wonder if it'll be an issue if the day comes when I get into a relationship.

Having one of those nights where I can’t sleep. Flashbacks keeping me awake. Anyone else have this problem?

I'm 62 years old and it's not a day passes of me being Groomed by my step brother. I don't hate him maybe dislike him. I want to see him and talk about in general and just understand him and asked was he molested by someone at an early age. I told my wife everything after 20 years of marriage because she went thru the same but raped. Last 3 years I feel much better because I told someone I trust and the stress is no longer eatting my life away. I told her in details by the years like it had happened. I love 70s music and those memories come back. It's part of my life story. I don't let it CONTROL me, I live my life out. Yes I get those kinky mood swings and instead of denying, I go in my private space either I will do or don't molest myself without pressure from noone. Yes I masturbate, play with booty,pinch my nipples, I get so fucking kinky I crossdress and that's how I was molested groomed at 10 years old. If you have a chance to report illegal activities do so however please beware once you go legal, can you all handle the family embarrassment,shame or injustice in which comes with the legal system. Please have proof because once the lawyers ask questions discrediting your story. Only your word of mouth is all you have for your defense. Just try not putting yourself in those situations, drinking, smoking weed or drugs not knowing where you are or whom your with.

I have reached out to several people about my situation and i still don’t know if it is valid or not and i will always doubt myself

When i was 14(M) i was with someone who was 17(F), I suffered from extreme separation anxiety and self esteem issues for most of my life, i told her about this and she would often manipulate me into situations saying i should date her guy best friend then say im cheating after i try to but there was one stunt she pulled that sticks with me to this day, we were at the mall and she wanted to have sex and i told her no then she said “If you can’t please me someone else will” and hearing that was my worst nightmare so i just crumbled under the pressure and did it anyway, she also insisted i was raw and came inside which i also didn’t want to do but did it anyway so she wouldn’t leave me, and i realized now that she might’ve been trying to baby trap me, ever since i just put my own input to the side so she wouldn’t leave me and that would lead to sex a handful of times, but even to this day i still can’t have a definitive answer or not, my mind always tells me this wasn’t bad enough to be rape or SA and my mom constantly tells everyone that i just “had sex with her” when that doesn’t feel right but saying i was raped or SA’d doesn’t feel right either and I constantly feel conflicted about it all and it’s just an infinite cycle of self hatred, either i am guilty because im a victim or guilty because i did bad things for her or probably both. I need advice and guidance

I can’t even talk about any it at all and I hate myself so much for whenever I just think about it and I guess I just wish I had someone to just tell even this too but I guess I don’t and it just sucks cause I can get distracted for sec and not be thinking about and then it’s like a void in my mind I dinner relaly r never clearly but I know I’m really elaly upset about something and then I remember ber and it’s like remembering all I’ve over and over and over and over and over again and it just sucks n I wanna cry I guess. I know it’s my fault n I suck i just I guess really couldn’t keep it in anymore I’m sorry sorry if you read this I guess I don’t even understand half of what I feel so guilty for or why it just all sucks all feelings everything and I just wish I didn’t exist or like not as me ? Idk sorry for ranting.

EDIT: It’s supposed to say deranged.

I (30M) was SA’d and raped once from 2012-14/15 I was 19 and he was 28. I was drug user at the time and he was my plug for things but we always hung out and smoked. He was a raver and self proclaimed “Gypsy” couch surfing and he was super energetic and everyone loved him. He was gay and I was not. (struggles with sexuality is a separate story) He had done many sexual things to me in front of friends and they just always stared at me like so you’re gay now? But never really asked. It was always when I was drunk or high on whatever (Molly, meth, downers, etc) the first really terrible incident I remember was him fingering me in a tent while I was passed out drunk and I woke up while he was doing it and he was told me “shh they’re still awake outside” or something to that degree.

But the worst part… I liked it but I didn’t want and have had thoughts about it since in favor of it and even being raped, going to far as trying to look for porn recreating the incidents… after I feel so shitty, as bad as being in the room again and the physical feelings and seeing his stupid ugly face and cotton candy hair. It wasn’t until I went to therapy for suicidal thoughts, general depression and panic attacks did I realize what had happened to me for those years. I just feel so gross that I have these desires, I am fine being bi but it’s the origin triggers me hardcore everytime. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I’ve started EMDR but it’s 2 weeks between sessions and it’s so painful.

Any advice on coping with this?

Hello everyone,

Welcome to my little corner of Reddit. I'm a 35 year old survivor of sexual abuse and rape. This all started in 2013 and spread out over the years until 2019. Rapes only happened twice in those years. Not only that, he emotionally and mentally abused me, blackmailing me with throwing me out on the street only to say later on that he was joking. Well in December 2019 thanks to my social worker I was able to find an apartment of my own and move the hell out of that situation. When I tried telling people they would always say "he's older than you, you could have just pushed him off." No, I was terrified I couldn't move! Or this one is my favorite, "men can't be raped."

Well, fast forward to today, my partner's mom contacts me trying to get a hold of my partner to tell her that her grandparents died. Well her grandfather just so happens to be my rapist and abuser. He slowly died from lung cancer, and being abused by his helper. Karma's a bitch and I'm overjoyed that he can't hurt another person, but my partner says that my revenge has been payed over threefold and I shouldn't be happy. But I'm not happy. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm all kinds of emotions at once. I don't know what to feel.

Throw away account here. I'm a 21yo male. Been really struggling and feeling the yearning to have friends I could talk to and relate with but I don't have any so I figured sending it out there online would be the second best idea. I've repressed all these memories and feelings, until actually watching the new netflix show "Baby Reindeer" and found myself HARDCORE relating to the effects of sexual assault within a romantic relationship and in normal day flirting. It woke up feelings that I pushed down as just another confusing piece of trauma. I never knew that these feelings I've felt ever since weren't just individual.

I was raped when I was 16yo and the girl was about the age of 18 or 19. We'll call her Robin. Robin was a very attractive, black haired, depressed, and edgy girl that I always saw in the hallways. I ended up meeting a new best friend at the time and meeting Robin through him. I fell under the classic stereotype of having a crush on a senior girl that I thought was so experienced and everything that I felt she could teach me how to enjoy my life sexually. I was a virgin at the time, but was still experienced romantically since I was in two decently long relationships before meeting her. Back when I was younger, I fell victim to finding woman I think needed some moral support and guidance through their struggles, therefore putting me in a very vulnerable position if they've never experienced such kindness or empathy, especially from a male figure. In retrospect I know this behavior pattern is my fault, and I've worked in therapy to not imitate it. Throughout the two times that I hung out with her before I really knew what was going on her life, I gathered little bits of info that displayed how messed up her home life was. She had tendencies of romanticizing SI and talking about times where her parents or ex-lovers had severely mistreated her. Eventually I would hang out with her a third time and it was at her house. She lived in a secluded guest room outside of her parents place. Her parents didn't know I was coming so I snuck through to get there with my bestfriend at the time to watch a movie and just chill with Robin. My intentions were definitely not to advance our bond that night, seeing as the night before she had attempted to end it all and she had a huge laceration on her wrist that was covered up in a bandage. We spent the first few hours of the night drinking some wine and talking about all our lives. My bestfriend K eventually had to leave and he left so it was just me and Robin in her bed with a movie on. She started to cuddle with me and since I had a crush on her at the time, I blushed and held her. At that point she was starting to get pretty drunk and I was trying my best to just sit with her and talk about life. Maybe help her through some trauma by talking about it. (I know that was never really gonna help, but I was so young I didn't really see the situation that was coming to arise). She started to make sexual advances on me throughout the talk and I kept trying to deescalate and say no. I kept telling her no and KEPT saying no. She kept pushing my hands away and continuing to advance until she was touching me and trying to seduce me. I felt super uncomfortable and kept saying no and "lets just talk". None of that was enough for her to stop. I made it very very very clear I was not okay with anything sexual, but deep down I was confused if this is just how sex is and if it was, then why wasn't like the rest of guys? Why didn't I enjoy it? Was I gay? Asexual? She eventually got on top of me, put it inside her, and then started to ride me for a second while I was trying to push her off me until I got myself out from under her and then started to feel bad. I felt myself go inside her and it has never left my body to feel like someone forced me inside of them. It sits on my skin and has never left. I remember the exact feeling my brain felt in that moment. I still feel her body when someone even fuckin touches me. I hate it. She kept pushing this until she realized she wasn't going to get any more out of me. She then spent the rest of the night turned away from me giving me the silent treatment. This has grown to be an immense trigger in my current day life.

I left the next morning as she was asleep in bed and never really saw her again except for small moments she'd pop into my classes the following years after she graduated and said hi to me. She'd always do SOMETHING sexual or teasing to send a message to me like she wanted to do it all over again. And since I was being groomed by her I felt SUPER emotionally attached to the idea of her, even with how much pain she had caused. I drove home that morning and felt the most confusing blend of emotions I'd ever felt. A sense of feeling like something was taken away from me, the lingering physical sensation of her, the scent, her face when I told her no, the shame and guilt, and then the part of me that was trying to cope telling myself I just had sex for the first time and was officially a man. I still remember what songs were playing during that car ride. I spent the rest of my sophomore year still telling myself I was a virgin.

I still feel the after effects of my experience to this day, five years later. I've been in a serious relationship for the past two and a half, and another relationship that was two years long before this. Both of these relationships have felt the impact. I always feel asexual, but still crave the feeling of safe and loving, exciting sex. I feel uncomfortable when any girl advances or flirts with me. I went through a period of time where I thought that the reason I didn't like my experience with Robin because I liked men. Maybe that moment changed me? Maybe my identity changed and I no longer will be able to enjoy the touch of a woman without feeling like someone is pinning me down and forcing me to do things.

I had to type this out and send it here in the efforts to find someone that reads it and feels not alone in their experience. The effects are real, and I don't like to tell myself that I was raped, but I feel like I was. I hope that someone out there reads this, as it would make me feel less alone. I'm currently looking for a men's sexual abuse/assault survivor group in my local area to attend so I can make sense of all this. I left out a bunch of details and it may seems incoherent. I hope this goes out to the right people.

I am 31(M) and am the victim of a rape. When I was in the military in 2014, I was raped by a male coworker, who was a trusted friend of mine and the person I had reached out to when I was suffering from combat related PTSD from my recent deployment to Afghanistan.

tried to report it to my superiors, but it fell of deaf ears. Meanwhile, my assaulter treated the whole thing like a big joke and would constantly harass and ridicule me while at work.

I separated from the military shortly afterwards and the individual who committed the act continued to reach out to me”apologize” and generally just harass me.

Again, I made numerous reports and still nothing came of it.

For the last decade, I have been teetering on the edge of committing suicide because I can’t move past the rape. It has controlled every aspect of my life and I can’t form relationships with people and I have major trust issues. It’s also made me extremely violent as well. I have difficulty holding down jobs and have slowly started to neglect my own personal heath, leading to various health issues.

I have tried therapy and counseling and nothing has worked this far.

Advice is welcome.

I'm German, M 22, this is one of my biggest traumas andsomething I never told anyone Idk how to start something like this Please don't be mad at me for my bad English

I was always bullied Since Preschool haha When I was 6 we moved to a small village and there lived a boy, the same age as me and he's probably my biggest trauma now He bullied me every day and it got worse every day He did everything from punching me, insulting me and yeah When we were around idk 12-14 he started forcing me to do things It started with giving him Handjobs, later Blowjobs and at some point he forced me to have sex with him This was going till I was around 16 Then it stopped and he started threatening me with knives and stuff I should never tell anyone or he's going to kill my family and friends. That's the reason I never told anyone not even the Police....

When I was 18 I had a date with a guy I met online He was super nice to me and all I slept at his place one day and in the middle of the night he started to undress me and then wanted to fuck me I didn't want this and I said no but he just continued I was just too scared to defend myself so I just let it happen to me The next morning I rushed to my car and drove home He tried to contact me on many different ways after that night.

I know it's probably not the biggest or worst thing that could happen but I had to tell someone and i still have nightmares and anxiety around different types of Man

I am the 3rd of 4 boys, the other 3 are dead. My father was a rapist. Through 2 marriages and 4 sons he was a terror to all when drunk. Which was every day I remember. Between 6 and 8 years old I was raped 10 times or more. The 1/2 brothers had been exposed to the same at the same age. All 4 of us had terrible childhoods. One of the 1/2 brothers lived with us and he had the worst experience. When the father was drunk and wanted one of us, he would tell us to stand in our underwear and he would choose the victim of the day. I realized that if i had something on my face like food or booger, I would get slapped. He then chose one of the brothers. I had found a way to avoid the ordeal. My poor little brother life was ruined, older 1/2 brother too. Oldest died at 44 Heroin overdose 2nd died at 23 from AIDS , because he was a male prostitute. Me still alive and struggling with the pain Youngest was killed in prison.

It’s been roughly 15 years since my abuse took place since then the only people that know are my former therapist ( who I no longer see) my mom ( who is in heaven) my oldest sister ( who I told to take it to her grave and who also suffered from childhood rape) and recently my gf who I love greatly and deeply and who has been amazing through it all! I really want to heal my trauma for her and most importantly to better myself, so this brings me to the following question does putting your story out there really help in the healing process?

the other day i swore i saw my rapist and i’m still so freaked out by it. it’s so hard to leave the house because i think he could be there. i just wish i could leave this town and move somewhere else. i’d rather live with any family than here

I haven't posted on here in a while good late night man I hope you are doing well this fine day. Somethings I want to accomplish theses next couple of months 1. I want to spend time studying and take dmv test questions then do the rest of process to get my driver license before the end of this year 2. I want to start saving money for CCW permit/get more informed about the gun laws in my state before my twenty-one birthday next year things are getting crazy in theses times I've been looking at the gun market for a couple of months now and been looking at YouTube videos of gun content creators to get familiar with different guns on the market. 3. I want to lose 100 pounds before March of 2025 for that I plan getting more outdoors because this isolation shit is not it no more I've gone a bit crazy I think Im dealing weed induced psychosis which is tricky in itself I plan on telling my doctor about theses paranoid feelings that keeps recurring I think its time I kick weed for my own good Im glad to share with all of you here that Im going sober after smoking heavy for the pasted couple years since I was fourteen years old ( heart beats hard, I look passed my computer ).

Do you have anything you want to accomplish in these last couple of months we got left in this year ?

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Hi everyone, sorry for my English. I read yours sentiment, searching for my courage and comfort to me soul. I suffer from dissociative personality disorder (between others diseases), this may be important. When I was 5, my brother stayed with my father for medical treatment. This occasion meant that I was under the care of a nanny all day, as my mother was a work-a-rolick. She started giving me beer "You will be like your father". With me drunk or just laying in my mom's bed, she started massage me, after it was rubbing me, masturbatig and to finish it was oral sex. During the day, when my mom was off, she started selling me to men. One day was very disposable, I was attached to the bed by my fist and ankle. He use me like was his wishes (and my nightmares). I blocked all my memories, with the creation of a personality "The Other". The memories came in my adulthood but never investigated, 10 years ago. In this line I had my first girlfriend, by I couldn't have an erection and she tried an oral. The flashbacks was to intense, that I have to stop immediately. After that I "had sex" with her only wearing my underwear. The worst was with a silly movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", and when the personage touch his leg, and he remembered the assaults commited by his aunt, caused the same effect in me. I remembered all that the other was hiding. With the help of EMDR therapy in treat all that happened, with the control of my others personalities. I can't laid in my bed yet (when all came, made me be terrified of bed), but I can sleep without the fear of being attacked. I can't be intimacy with other person, but holp that it's can be altered. Thanks for reading.

I'm 24, male and homosexual. Two years ago, someone I thought who was my best friend, sexually assaulted me. He had lured me to his home where he got me excessively drunk and high. He played my fragility perfectly, and when he knew he got me in his grip he abused me in a way I didn't think possible. The experience broke me. It left me first of all without any friends. I barely have any real contact with anyone. So it came as a major dent to my social life. The abuse itself got rooted deeply into my feelings of being unworthy. Of being a lesser person than anyone else. Of being less of a man, being but a mere object to be used and tossed out. I still feel this way about myself.

I still think about the abuse on a daily basis. I still think about the way he touched me... The way he played my mind like it was nothing... The way I fawned before the threat that stood in front of me. Obaying out of fear and out of a feeling that I have to. I've always felt like I should count my own feelings and boundaries away in order to maintain any kind of friendship. I've always feared that I, in the way I am myself, am just unlovable and undesirable.

After the abuse however, I've had something else happen. My partner believed I cheated on him, and so did my parents. I believe they still believe that. Even though I know it not to be true. I'm afraid to talk about the subject to them. I know I messed up. I know I should have done something, or handle the situation better. But I did not cheat. I'm stuck in this situation where the people I love think things about me that are not true. I'm stuck in an image of myself that's just plain false. And I don't have what it takes to fix that. I don't have a solution or a way out of it. And too much time has past to talk about what really happened to them.

I've had to go through all this. I've had to feel abandoned by my loved ones and my society. The police would not help me because I'm a male. My lover wouldn't listen because they believe otherwise. I have to live with the fact that my abuser walks free. Whilst I have to fight day in day out just to keep my head above water.

But I think I'm done fighting. I think I'm done trying to be someone. The world will always see the worst of me. So what's the point. What's the point of all this fighting and all this struggling if I'll always be someone I don't want to be. What's the point in trying to heal if I'll never be the person I was before the abuse. Before the lies. Deep down I just want to put my shield down. And let myself succumb to my wounds. I just don't know what's left to do.

I'm sorry if you're a person reading this. I don't mean to be a downer. But I've got nowhere left to go.

I really don’t think I’m ok I constantly try to discociate I really hate being in my head I can’t bear it I’ll do anything to get out I feel like I started cutting myself and I can’t wait to do drugs n be drunk and I keep trying to control myself but it all hurts so much and I hate hate being in my head so much I just want to disociate so much it all stope hurting and I stop feeling alone or thinking or having to exist

Is anyone else struggling with the current rhetoric sweeping across social media at the moment regarding mens violence and poor treatment of women? I know its a problem but what I am struggling to understand is why all men are being held, or expected to be somewhat responsible, for the bad behaviour of some men. Why am I, a rape victim, expected to not only be considered responsible for other male rapists, but also meant to be calling out the bad behaviour of violent men just because I am a man?

Now, this is not one of those "but men get raped/abused too" posts. I have purposefully refrained from any comments on womens media because I know it is not my place, so don't come at me. This is meant to be a safe space for men! This is a post where I am feeling vulnerable and confused because I am a victim and don't think it is fair I am expected to ignore my trauma and fear of men to stop some of them from behaving poorly. I am just as frightened! I am just as broken! To decide that because I am too scared or refuse to be held responsible because a rapists behaviour is not my responsibility nor is it my fault, that I am just like them and not allowing me my feelings from my trauma, I dunno. It just doesn't seem fair.