I don’t even see myself as a man anymore. I grew up with the idea that men can protect themselves and be strong and confident.

After what happened to me, I guess a new reality shifted and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health.

I am a very muscular guy who can squat over 500lbs for reps and bench 365 for reps while weighing under 180…and if anyone could take advantage of me, they easily could because all I would do is freeze, like when that older man forced himself on me when I was 16. I even freeze and shake when my own mother hugs me from behind.

How am I even supposed to find love? All the women want to feel protected and safe, which is why they go for jacked dudes. But if I can’t even protect myself, how can I protect them? They’re going to think I am a complete and utter joke.

Not only that, the abuse I endured as a child made me bisexual. I’m Christian as well so 1) I can’t act on my same-sex desires (that’s my belief, not here to debate that) but 2) Christian women ick bi men because they’re seen as less of a man, gay, sinful, and someone who would cheat on them (which is not true and it hurts so much).

It’s a complete hell this life has become…all because of what that man did to me for his own short term sexual gratification. I’m absolutely miserable

Is anyone suffering a new medical condition (like std or injury)because of what was done to you?

Y’all should watch inside out 2 if you haven’t. At the end, the main character is having a panic attack and struggling with all her contradicting emotions. She’s a good friend, she’s a bad friend, she’s strong, she’s weak. And her emotions finally do like a group hug in her mind, embracing all her different sides and loving her regardless of all of her bad ones.

It really affected me because I need a mental group hug like that a lot, and reading all the posts on this sub, I think we all do. We liked what happened to us. We hated it. It hurt. It felt good. We love them. We hate them. We want to relive it. We never want to have sex again. We’re hurt. We want to hurt people back. It’s all normal. Normal normal normal. We contain multitudes. We can get to a better place. And it starts with that group hug, even if it’s just giving one to ourselves inside our head. Acceptance and love and all the mushy things. Anyway you should check out the movie lol

I'm scared to go to sleep because I know there's the possibility of waking up to her touching me. It's happened too often, and I hate it. At least when I'm awake I have the slightest bit of control over it (not sure how true that is), but when I'm asleep I can't do anything. I want it to stop. I'm trying.

I don't want to go into too much detail. I am 26 years old now, and when I was around 9, I studied at a private school because I received a scholarship as long as I maintained good grades. Having a good education meant everything to my family, so I was terrified of disappointing them. There was this art teacher who was everybody's favorite. He was a well-known figure in town, not just for teaching but also for working as a clown and being deeply involved in the Catholic Church, always outspoken about social causes.

Anyway, he knew how much I relied on my grades, and one day he secretly told me that I had done very poorly on his exam. However, he said that if I helped him with some photography projects as a male model, he could improve my grades. I was relieved to have the chance to fix this problem and excited to get closer to the teacher everyone admired. He asked me to come to his house on a Saturday and not to tell anyone.

So I went. Honestly, there’s no need to go into too much detail. Suffice it to say that while I wasn’t penetrated, I was touched in ways that left me confused for years. I never fully processed what happened. It felt like, for years, my mind buried the entire experience. I never talked to anyone about it and just went on with my life.

Around three years later, he was shot to death by someone who was never caught. When an old classmate texted me about his death, at first, I struggled to even remember who he was—almost like my brain had done a good job shielding me from his memory. Soon after, rumors began circulating that he was a pedophile and that the parents of one of his victims had hired someone to kill him. I stayed silent. I think the reason I never talked about it back then was that I felt responsible for what happened, as though it was my fault, like I was somehow mischievous and caused it to happen.

It wasn’t until earlier this year that I really stopped to think about what happened and began recognizing it for what it truly was. One and a half decades later. But now what? From time to time, I feel this strange emptiness. It’s not sadness—it’s a bitter kind of nothingness. I feel powerless. Sometimes I even fantasize that I was the one who arranged his death. But I didn’t. I did nothing. And now he’s gone, and I can’t even confront him. There’s nothing I can do. How does one deal with that? Will I have to live with this forever?

...

Maybe I am asking questions that don't have answers. Honestly, I feel I am slightly better after writing all this and knowing that I am sharing it with someone. I was sexually assaulted as a child. That's the first time I write it for what it truly is.

Hi all, I made a post here a while ago sharing my experiences with SA and recently finding out I have a son from a rape. I have worked in the film industry for over ten years and made a few shorts. I’m planning for my next project to be on male SA, but not based on my own experiences.

Is this something people here would want to see? What concerns would you have if any? While we as a collective might not end up being the primary target audience, it’s important to get this right and represent the topic as respectfully as possible

I was wondering what would be important to you guys to be included in a film like this? What would you want to see? Drop a comment dm anything. Thanks!

No matter what ever sense the first time it happened I have been afraid to be alone with a women in any capacity the only exception to this is my current partner, but I’m reaching out here to see if anyone else has this issue? Or is it just because I’m to broken to be around the opposite gender.

Not sure if I’m allowed to post here because I’m not a man

But I’ve been trying to help men who’ve experienced this and I wanted to say. I’m so fucking sorry. The amount of resources that are oriented towards women, or services that straight up don’t allow access for men is absolutely disgusting. I found so many local sexual assault clinics for women, and they all say that they don’t take male clients. This experience impacts men and their masculinity and identity in such a unique and significant manner that it really breaks my heart that there isn’t more for you guys.

In my research I’ve seen some staggering statistics about how common SA towards men. Almost comparable to the rates of women in some studies. Many sources suggest the numbers are so much higher than we can know because social norms don’t enable a safe environment for men to disclose. And the fact that it’s that common and there’s so few resources. It’s appalling.

I’m sure this is something you guys have been knowing for so long. But I just wanted to say that I see it. You guys are so strong and resilient. I hope one day society will recognize your hidden trauma and treat it you with the respect and dignity you deserve. As a mental health professional I’m going to fight for your equal treatment in my practice as long and hard as I can.

If this kind of post, from someone like me isn’t welcome here. That’s okay. But I just needed to try to put this out there

I'm 17 male, since I was 8 until even now I was just repeatedly assaulted (spanking, gropping,etc and something too serious than this or full on rape was just twice or maybe more I don't have many memories around that time), I have really bad mental health like I have PTSD, nightmares and random panic attacks and also sometimes I hallucinate, the one major thing is which I think is because of being exposed to something like this at a young age that is never have I had any consensual sexual experience and always assaulted and now I'm looking forward to being violated or things like that, I have thoughts or kinks related to bdsm and stuff, why I have changed so much I don't know but always these things trigger me sending me in a panic episode but I also like want them to happen to me

I don't know what I want to hear but what's wrong with me, because of this I've put myself in vulnerable situations a few times

I've been feeling so agitated and depressed lately. I've been having a lot of memories and triggers and just generally feeling down. I feel ashamed, also, because I have a food addiction, and I've been slipping with that due to my depression, and I'm afraid the last few weeks that I've lost some of the weight loss progress I've made.

Ever since the abuse happened, I've used food (especially sweets) as a coping mechanism and it's so hard to not go back to that crutch even today. I've been sneaking food again, and my family doesn't know. But I'm (17) old enough where my parents don't micromanage my food and buying. It's on me, I'm nearly an adult. Eating more makes me more ashamed which makes me eat more which makes me more ashamed. It's a vicious cycle and I need to get out of it again. I've been doing so well the last 6 months and have gone down 50 pounds. I'm afraid to look on the scale again and feel defeated. My graph will have a huge gap.

I've just been having such a hard time lately remembering what he did --what I did. The feelings, the tastes, and smells. They feel so real. So many dreams again. I hate that our brains become rewired like this, and the inevitable valley will come no matter what. I haven't had one for so long - much longer than usual. I was due. I thought I would handle it better, though. I thought I was approaching normal. I thought I wouldn't feel 8 years old and afraid again.

Someone please help me climb out of the valley again.

***

Violin Sonata no. 9 by Ludwig van Beethoven

[Text from the film Immortal Beloved]

Ludwig van Beethoven: [In reference to Violin Sonata no 9 in A Major - "Kreutzer"] Do you like it?

Anton Schindler: Shh!

LVB: I cannot hear them, but I know they are making a hash of it. What do you think? Music is a dreadful thing, what is it? What does it mean?

AS: [writing on a mini chalkboard] It exalts the soul

LVB: Utter nonsense. If you hear a marching band, is your soul exalted? No, you march. If you hear a waltz, you dance. If you hear a mass, you take communion. It is the power of music to carry one directly into the mental state of the composer. The listener has no choice. It is like hypnotism. So, now...what was in my mind when I wrote this? Hmm?

(beat)

LVB (continued): A man is trying to reach his lover. His carriage has broken down in the rain. The wheels stuck in the mud. She will only wait so long. This...is the sound of his agitation. "This is how it is...," the music is saying. "Not how you are used to being. Not how you are used to thinking. But like this."

I dont know how to ask this without being kind of blunt.

For context, I was assaulted a couple years ago before college. I let the guy that I'm seeing know this with very vague details (I carry a lot of shame and don't really know how to articulate into words what happened).

(I'm a flaming homosexual for the record).

I let him know because while we are about to do things the other day I'm having trouble staying hard. And sometimes I dissociate into flashbacks which makes getting hard, well, harder. I also know it isn't him because i still feel happy like that and get hard when we aren't actively doing stuff and even when he isn't there. its like, right when we are about to do things, i get in my head.

This isn't the first time this has happened; it has happened with someone other than him in my past. I eventually got there and we had a great time and he made me feel better about it. I just wish there was someone I could talk to about this because I carry a lot of shame with my assault and especially with talking things out with people. Im not an open book and I have a hard time opening up.

Have you had similar feelings? did you ever find a way to overcome them?

I was a 16 y o boy, and he was in his 50’s. It was at work. He started interacting with me about comments on my body. Then he gave me a very lewd nickname that still sends shivers down my spine that I won’t even type it. Then it turned into caressing and groping me. One day he followed me into the walk in fridge at work and grabbed me forcefully and started to dryhump me. It was my first ever sexual experience and my only one to this day. I froze and couldn’t fight back or get away for a very long time before I unfroze and got away. Him moaning and grunting with the dirty talk burns in my brain as well as the smell of his cologne. In my honest opinion, I believe it was attempted rape. When I told my manager he didn’t believe me. He said he was a good married guy who serves his church. Basically did absolutely nothing about it. The Age of Consent is 18 where this happened.

Over the years, my PTSD has been very severe. Shaking when people touch me, touch sensitivity, can’t watch porn/ m*sturbate without getting triggered, ED, anxiety, depression, not feeling safe, flashbacks, developing same sex attraction that was very intrusive, and other intimacy issues. This has escalated to suicidal thoughts and tendencies over the years. Some close friends and family I’ve told over the years were compassionate and helpful while others victim blamed me and told me to “get over it.”

I honestly fee like I am overreacting, because I wasn’t young enough and I wasnt penetrated. Even legally bro wouldn’t get more than 1yr behind bars.

Now I have been told so many times not to go back to this person and to not contact them now this idea of me and her ever getting back together doesn't live in my head. I don't know what I even expect when I see her again I know the air Is going to thicker then wood tensions will high in other words not sure if she blames me for her imprisonment of two years away of her have kids and husband who she had the whole time when she was abusing me. Toxic love? or I am just being a victim simp?

Has anyone else experienced this before?

Does anyone else get upset when people say all men are rapists? Aside from the fact I'm a guy so obviously i don't agree. I've only been SAd by woman and when people tell me that they think every guy is a rapist, it makes me feel like nobody cares about that woman can be perpetrators too.

So I (M19) had a peer on the same floor in a dormitory as me. We had a weird relationship where they said their life was falling apart and they were seeking comfort from me. Long story short, they try (almost forcefully) buying me food every day and entering my room without knocking to hug me. This soon turned into them kissing me cheek and then seeing me more often. Deep down, I was annoyed as this started back when they would try and hug me despite me saying I am averse to touch. I slipped up by being friendly and neutral again, and they took that as invitation. I have very poor boundaries and have a hard time pushing people away after they I intrude them. They asked me once if they were doing too much, and I said a little or that they were fine so I could be back by myself. Eventually, they asked me a question of what sexual role I like, and I responded neither, indicating I don't do anything sexual. They said they had already figured, and we left it at that. One weekend, they left and then came back, and at first, it was the normal annoying affection and whatever. I offered them some leave in conditioner for their hair to be nice since they didn't have any, and they eventually locked the door. I internally panicked, but couldn't u freeze and come to my senses. Eventually, they sit down, and they ask me to sit on their lap, and I do. They also start touching my crotch and I am conflicted. Physically, I feel slightly aroused as I am sensitive to affectionate touch and had been feeling starved of real physical connection. But I also knew it would be unwise and this could go further. They then hopped on one of my roomates bed and said we could do something on there while my roomate was gone which I of course prtest out of respect. I snap out of it and say we should at least do something on my bed and they eventually agree after pulling my arm in to try and do stuff. We eventually kissed, and he tried pulling my pants down to perform oral on me. The entire time, I am disconnected from the experience and try asking them to do something that makes me feel better in an attempt to regain some level of power back. They telk me they would do it another time, and then they tell me to take a nap while sitting on my chair before soon leaving, as I wait until their gone to fall asleep. After they left, I felt disgusted and still dislocated. I don't consider it assault because I didn't protest in the moment and had even tried to get power back. Any thoughts?

Note: They have been said to have cheated on people before me, and also why I didn't want anything.

Does anyone have a girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse who just refuses to see how damaged and worthless you are due to your abuse or other reasons, and sometimes it actually annoys you? Like why can't you just be as disgusted by me as I am of myself???

But in the back of your mind, you know it's ultimately out of love and it makes you feel special in the end?

My girlfriend sees me at my worst sometimes and doesn't throw me away. Sometimes I really wonder why, but it makes me feel valuable in the end.

I don't deserve her, but she disagrees.

Mike Doughty - Rising Sign (Skittish Sessions)

Rising Sign

By: Mike Doughty

*

Your back curves like a creeping vine

with the answers in the fluid in the stem of the spine

In the black coffee bowl of your eye

why do you overestimate the size of the lie?

*

I've seen the dangers of your rising sign

but I swear I'd like to drink the fuel straight from your lighter

It's all inside the wrist, it's all inside the way you time it

I resent the way you make me like myself

*
My nerves jump like a boiling pan

like a skillet full of oil spits rattling on the burner

when I stumble onto the thought

of the match you lit, and dropped, and set the dial to slow yearn

*
I've seen the dangers of your rising sign

but I swear I'd like to drink the fuel straight from your lighter

It's all inside the wrist, it's all inside the way you time it

I resent the way you make me like myself

*
Can I spell it out?

Can I spell it out?

*
I've seen the dangers of your rising sign

but I swear I'd like to drink the fuel straight from your lighter

It's all inside the wrist, it's all inside the way you time it

I resent the way you make me like myself

Edit

Hey all, I hope you're all doing well.

I'm getting help, I already promised that, but it's so scary. I'm making plans (thinking about who I'll tell, what I'll say, and gathering evidence), but in the past few days when I start thinking about it I just get extremely stressed.

I had a panic attack earlier today when my mind spiraled a bit too much. I just couldn't stop thinking of everything that could go wrong. What if they don't believe me? What if they tell me to deal with it? What if I get sent back to my mom? Or they send me to a foster home who would maybe be worse? So much scary stuff...

I want her to stop hurting me, to stop raping me, but getting help seems even more scary. But it'll all turn out okay, right?

Growing up, my family was/is quite quirky, and I was never really allowed a lot of TV or screen time, but I was allowed to watch educational shows and older TV shows. One show I enjoy is from the 1970s called "Kung Fu" and it has a lot of quotes that make you think, in my view, especially when it comes to our situation. Every so often I think of this show and thought of it this morning. I thought I'd share some favorites that help me.

In case you're unfamiliar, "Kung Fu" is a show about an orphaned boy from 1800s China (of white and Chinese heritage) who becomes a Shaolin monk and then travels to America as an adult and gets in many adventures during his travels. It often has flashbacks to the main character's (Kwai Chang Caine's) childhood growing up in the Buddhist monastery.

*******

Kung Fu: Master Po Helps Caine With His Parents Death

Young Kwai Chang Caine: My mother, my father, they were both dead. I could not save them.

Master Po: You were only a small boy.

YKCC: But after that I could no longer be a small boy.

MP: The mountain is beautiful with snow, but after it loses its snow, green grows from underneath. In every loss there is a gain, as in every gain there is loss. Grasshopper, do you understand that?

YKCC: I will try.

-- "Kung Fu"

******

Kung Fu: Caine's Formula for How to Trust

Adult Kwai Chang Caine: You said once you needed someone to trust?

Woman: (nods) Walt. You’ve learned to trust people, doesn’t it ever hurt you?

AKCC: And you, not trusting, are you not hurt more?

Woman: How do you go through all that and not get twisted out of shape by it?

AKCC: I seek not to know all the answers, but to understand the questions.

- “Kung Fu”

*******

The Tao of Kung Fu #10 - Trust, but expect the unexpected

[After Kwai Chang and his friend Ho-Fong were robbed while running errands for the temple]

Young Kwai Chang Caine: They took our money, our cart, our clothes, everything we had of value.

Master Kan: Except that which is irreplaceable: your lives. How did you come to leave the main road?

Ho-Fong: Because we were fools. We trusted a stranger.

YKCC: He was an old man with a kind face and a gentle manner.

MK: (to another monk): Bring them clothes. (To Ho-Fong) Ho-Fong, what lesson have you learned from this?

HF: Never trust a stranger.

MK: Kwai Chang, what lesson have you learned from this?

YKCC: To expect the unexpected.

MK (to Ho-Fong): Ho-Fong, in the morning, when you are well and rested, you will leave the temple.

HF: When shall I return, Master Kan?

MK: To us, never.

(Ho-Fong bows and leaves)

MK (to YKCC): You are troubled about your friend Ho-Fong?

YKCC: I do not understand why he was told to leave and not I, when I was equally responsible for trusting the old man.

MK: We do not punish for trust. If, while building a house, a carpenter strikes a nail it proves faulty by bending, does the carpenter lose faith in all nails and stop building his house?

YKCC: Then we are required to trust, even if we are often reminded of the existence of evil.

MK: Deal with evil through strength but affirm the good in man through trust. In this way, we are prepared for evil, but we encourage good.

YKCC: And is good our great reward for trusting?

MK: In striving for an ideal, we do not seek rewards. Yet, trust does sometimes bring with it a great reward, even greater than good.

YKCC: What is greater than good?

MK: Love.

-- "Kung Fu"

Just venting I guess.

A few weeks ago I flashed back to an incident from 2018. I’d just met someone on a bar crawl. I was 22, she was in her 30’s, I liked her, I liked that she seemed into me. I probably would’ve went home with her regardless. But she just kept buying me drinks. Maybe I just drank that much faster than her. I intermittently blacked out as we changed bars. I don’t remember anything before I was crying and throwing up on the floor at her place after we’d had sex. I wanted to leave, she asked me to stay until the morning, and I did.

I don’t want to accuse her of anything, I don’t know if she even took advantage of me. We were both drinking. But this is something I realized I’d buried and hadn’t processed. Thank you all for listening.

When I was 12 rumors were spreading around school that I was gay (only half right, as I am bi) and one of the female teachers decided to corner me in one of the schools bathroom and forced herself on me. Jokes on her, she only made it so that untill I did a lot of work in therapy I occasionally got anxiety attacks sometimes when I was with women. To this day when a woman is homophobic to me it hits me harder emotionally then if a man's homophobic

I'm so tired, I hate having to fight so hard everyday. I just want the pain to stop, but there is no safe place for me. I don't have anyone around me who is genuinely nice to me and doesn't hurt me.

I feel so weak for hating the sex so much. It's just sex!!! I should enjoy it, I should be happy that she wants to do it with me. But I hate it, it hurts me, I want it to stop.

I feel like it completely defies all my character, all my traits, how I see myself in sexual settings and like it has left an empty shell in place where I had those things.

At first it was hard to even admit that it could ever happen to me - I'm dominant (in BDSM meaning) and I don't even let the other person touch me beside letting them do it as a reward. I thought I am assertive, I thought I can't feel fear (and in most settings I really can't but this shit just wasn't one of those settings). I don't even like getting tired during any sexual acts. And yet I was afraid of him. And yet I have let him make me do those things to him - things that I would want to do but I very much didn't want to do them at that specific time for reasons I don't really have time nor will to explain.

I feel like I have failed to keep myself safe and like I should have acted differently, et cetera. I know this isn't how it works but that doesn't help me emotionally at all.

All I have in my head is this one stupid memory stuck on repeat. I see myself putting out the cigarette on his thigh and thinking to myself "if I have always wanted to do this to somebody, why doesn't it feel good?"

How do I even move forward, how do I become myself again? Nothing seems to change it, I feel weak and stupid, I feel like I do things because of expectations of others instead of my own volition. My entirety was crushed to dust and there's nothing to salvage from it.

Hi all, I don't know if the word trigger is appropriate given I don't have PTSD. Anyways, I was abused between ages 9-10 and then discovered what happened was abuse at 13. I noticed at the age of 18. I started to develop triggers which would on occasion bother me.

Then in early October, I was triggered big time and everything changed and then it all went downhill from there. Usually these "triggers" would sometimes remind me of the abuse in more detail than usual and/or make me a little upset. However the upset doesn't typically last long and may even just last a few seconds.

I find myself getting triggered by a lot of mouth sounds. As a medical student, I get triggered by some medical words due to their resemblance to my abuser's name. Getting triggered by a catetgory of cells in the body is a new low. I even got triggered on my 19th birthday and once by a shop name that had my abuser's name in it.

Ever since this month. I feel like I am triggered all the time. Today I was triggered when I volunteered to have a respiratory exam so the teacher can demonstrate to the class how to do it. I thought I wouldn't be triggered until she showed the class how to feel the chest expand and her hands were on my waist which is the start of trigger territory. I didn't say anything at the time.

Sometimes I feel ashamed for feeling like my abuse was so damaging and hurtful when someone else has had it much worse than me. Maybe I shouldn't be "whining" about mine when others had much more terrible abuse happen to them for years. I don't want to steal any support or "thunder" from those who really struggle, even though I have PTSD and things like that, it was "only" three times. Am I strange, weak, or "being dramatic" for having PTSD after "only" three times when some don't have that after many more times? I don't know.

I've had a lot of support after the fact, by some family and therapy, so maybe I shouldn't put myself on the same level as someone who is having a much harder time with it. Maybe I should do more supporting than asking for support. I don't know. I feel very confused about my place in this world.

I was already SA’d early 2020 by some dude at a club. When the pandemic started my ex GF reached out to me because it was a hectic time. At this point I had only told my parent and my roommates what happened to me. She may be my ex but we were still good friends and I trusted with my dog and everything. So once she reached out to me told her what happened because I felt comfortable opening up to her. I started hanging out with her a lot because I felt safe and understood and then it happened . . . I was over at her place in her room watching TV, she had a big bed I was sitting on one side arms folded keeping to myself and she was on the other sides. She was drinking at this point and slowly started inching closer to me as the TV show was going on. At this point I’m frozen because I can’t believe she’s trying to get close to me and I’m scared. She gets near me and starts grabbing my hands and arms. At this point I knew what was happening she wanted sex but I had no fucking interest in having sex since I was just DRUG AND RAPED LESS THAN A MONTH AGO AND SHE KNOWS THIS. Out of fear of losing someone who I just confided in I gave in to having sex. It was short and very shitty and right after I finished I pretty much had a nervous breakdown I put on my clothes on and rushed out the house while she’s yelling at me for leaving.

I’ve talked about this a few times in therapy over the years I don’t think it’s necessarily rape but I was most definitely taken advantage of just kind of curious what other people think. This moment was absolutely horrific no matter if it’s rape or not. The fall out between me and her was nuts after lol.

Sorry for the grammar/spelling mistakes it sucks editing/fixing post on the phone

(Author's note: I'm a bit of a creative writer, and often I write things cathartically. I hope it's okay to post this. Remove if needed. Thanks.)

New Shoes

By: Liam

I listened to the dull thud of my shoes on the pavement and looked down at my new canvas sneakers, wondering how they had managed to get so dirty so quickly. Not long ago, they had been in pristine condition, not a scuff mark or stain on them. But as time had passed, the blemishes had begun to appear on those shoes, marking up what had been a blank slate.

I kick a sap-covered pinecone out of my path. It felt good to kick something. To release those pent-up emotions somewhere. I knew already that I wouldn't let any feelings show, except for the random, violent kick of a pathetic pinecone that got in my way.

I wanted to run; just take off running, my arms spread out wide, my head bent back, my sneakers hitting the concrete with such force that it made my entire body tremble. I wanted to scream. A long, loud, deadly scream. But I knew I wouldn't. I wouldn't run or scream. I wouldn't do anything. I would remain composed and smile politely at passers-by, pretending that life was grand. It wasn't. It hadn't been since that week. That's when everything had changed, when everything had been ruined.

I stepped cautiously over a darkened puddle, careful not to splash myself. Instead, my foot came to rest in a sticky, gooey mess of mud that now completely covered the toe of my right shoe. That was it; I was done for. The lump of sadness that had lodged itself in my chest now raced to my throat, daring me to breathe and allow a gasping sob to escape from my lips. The tears were coming. I could feel it. They wet the very tips of my eyelashes, and I stared at my dingy shoes as I quickened my pace. My face burned. My body felt itchy and hot, smothered by some unseen force. My feet raced my emotions home - a place of sanctuary, a place to let everything go.

I let my feet lead me blindly into sloshing puddles and thickening mud. I didn't think about my shoes. I didn't care about my shoes. Let them get dirty. Let them get disgusting. Let them get stained. The damaged had been done. I didn't care.