Hey bro, you should charge your milk.

Oahu

We don't have very good posture.

Basically a story about a few guys at the bar comparing what their partners call their penises, The Force, The Power, something like that. Meanwhile there's two young kids at the far end of the bar, one on the other's shoulders wearing a trenchcoat to look bigger/older ordering beer, the one on top giving sips the the one on the bottom of the trenchcoat.

Bartender overhears the guys comparing notes and tells them, "that's nothing, that guy over there keeps calling his Steve and ordering it beer!"

I swear I first saw it here, but can't for the life of me find it again.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ With a big smile, the woman replies, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

Bye bye bi bi-polar polar bear.

TIL everyone that entered King Tuts tomb in 1922 is dead now.

Is polysyllabic.

..it is only a matter of time until there is a country song were a guy's truck leaves him.

Her name was Priya, and she came from a very conservative family. Drinking and smoking was a taboo in her family. Her parents were very excited about me, and told me to meet separately w Priya. Priya asked me if I drink, to which I replied “quarter”

She told me that her family is very conservative, but since she likes me so much, she will not tell her parents this. And since it’s only once a quarter, that’s okay for her. I was confused, but stayed silent.

I said, ok.

one month down, we get married, and she comes to my house, and sees alcohol bottles everywhere.
she asked me, why did you break my trust, you told me you only drink once a quarter. I tell her that it was “one quarter” not “once a quarter”

we are divorced now. Her family thinks I’m a liar. but I didn’t lie really!

ps: QUARTER in India is 250ml of alcohol

She had some good points

Assassin

He finally achieved his dream of being an "Advocado"

Marie: Paul, please pass me a cigarette.

Paul: Voila! Here you go.

Marie: Claude, please pass me the ashtray.

Claude: Of course, beautiful.

Marie: Pierre, please pass me the lighter.

Pierre: Anything for you, dear.

Marie: (lights up the cigarette) If Mom could see me now. (takes a puff) She'll blow a fuse if she knew I'm smoking.

When I was about five my father told me my “first dirty joke” - - -

A man on the train has to poop. He goes to the bathroom but someone is using it. He goes back five minutes later, it’s still being used. He goes back again later, it is still being use. He can’t wait any longer so he drops his pants and sticks his fanny out the window. This happens just as the train is pulling into a station. The conductor on the platform yells out “Will the bald man with the cigar in his mouth please pull his head back in the window”

Oh its After night

... shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

But the metric version is a litre.

I see food and I call it Alien vs Predator!!

Because 8x8 is 64z minecraft diamonds stack to 64. And she likes minecraft.

I just sighed and said “I know I know” as I had him quartered.

Americans do like to eat like they have free healthcare.

She said she got the license plate number!

People make fun of me and I see green

A guy walks into a bank and goes to the clerk.

Guy: "I want to put my motherfucking money in your shitty bank!"

Clerk: "Sir, that kind of language will not be tolerated here!"

Guy: "No, really. I want to put my motherfucking money in your shitty bank!"

Clerk: "I'm calling security."

Guy: "Then I need to speak with your motherfucking manager."

Manager comes up.

Guy: "I want to put my motherfucking money in your shitty bank!"

Manager: "That kind of language is not allowed here. But out of curiosity, how much are we talking about?"

Guy: "50 million fucking dollars!"

Manager: "And that bitch didn't let you???"

P.S. Took me a while to understand the true meaning behind it.

….Yes you did.

Me at a coffee shop - Can I get a light roast? Barista - You literally have the smallest calves I have ever seen

They see the boy's teacher.
The old man says: "Hide, you are supposed to be at school."
The grandson says: "You hide, I am supposed to be on your funeral."

"I'm-a-gonna ween!"

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"