/r/Jokes
The funniest sub on Reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
Welcome to /r/Jokes!
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RULES
Jokes should be offered according to our list of best practices.
For explanations and examples, please read our complete rules page.No reposts of recent jokes.
While reposts in /r/Jokes are allowed, they must meet all criteria for acceptance.No bigotry, sexualization of minors, hate-speech, misogyny, or other unwelcome content.
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Spam and spam-enabling activity is strictly prohibited, regardless of how or where it takes place. Read more here. Users may only submit three jokes in a twenty-four-hour period.Adult-oriented media must be properly tagged.
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Comments in /r/Jokes must written (and proofread) by their authors, and they must be intended to entertain, inform, educate, inspire, or enquire. Unoriginal or non-contributory comments are not allowed. Frequent or blatant violations of this rule will result in bans. Read more here.
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Airline flight.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airline flight.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
04:59 UTC
A Catholic, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...
That's it, that's the joke.
04:46 UTC
Marital Priorities
A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you remarry?"
He replies, "After a while, sure."
"Would she live in our house?"
"I suppose so."
"Use my car?"
"Maybe."
"Sleep in our bed?"
"Probably."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
The husband pauses.
"No, she's left-handed."
04:34 UTC
I shouldn't have paid that much for that circumcision.
It was a rip off.
04:09 UTC
Black panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another & after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain ...
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties & he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties ?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, But down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same --
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties, And he was in his birthday suit but wearing a black condom ...
She looked at him and asked : "What's with the black condom ?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences".
04:09 UTC
What’s the fastest way to kill a clown?
Stab him in the jocular.
00:53 UTC
What Does A New Orleanean Like To Snack On, Besides Boudin Balls?
A GraNOLA Bar.
00:28 UTC
Two robbers are robbing a liquor store.
One picks up a bottle and asks, “Is this whiskey?”
The other says, “Yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”
00:26 UTC
What do kidnappers, terrorists & health funds have in common?
They all value money more than life.
00:10 UTC
Little Billy is walking through the hallway of the house at night, and hears loud sounds coming from his parents bedroom...
He opens the door. His father is on top of his mother, wearing only a mini skirt with no underwear. His mother is wearing a cheerleader outfit with no panties on, and they are fucking like animals. Billy says "oh my god!! What's going on??" His dad turns around and says "go to bed son, I'll come talk to you in 15 minutes." Billy shuts the door.
15 minutes later, the dad is walking down the hallway and hears loud sounds from his son's room. He opens the door to find Billy doing the deed with his grandmother. He exclaims "Billy! Oh my god! What the hell are you doing???"
Billy replies "not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
23:46 UTC
My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.
"Nah, there's no need" I replied.
"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."
"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."
22:44 UTC
An American is driving around rural Ireland when his Porsche has a flat.
He enters a nearby pub and asks if anyone can help him fix it.
A man raises his hand and says:
"Sure, but I ain't got none of those fancy tires you have on, you're gonna have to settle with what's in stock."
The American agrees but tells the man :
"Sure, But if you only have crappy tires you better do it fucking cheap."
"Sure", says the man. "But I'll have to warn ya, never tried doing both at the same time before."
22:01 UTC
Why did the dove get a black eye?
He walked into a crow bar.
22:00 UTC
A guy walks into a bar and asks for money. The bartender says, "That's not how it works."
The guy replies, "Why not? One bar equals one ATM!"
20:39 UTC
What's the scientific name for puddles?
Postcipitation!
19:48 UTC
What did the abusive topologist say to his wife?
“You’re just a hole to me.”
19:35 UTC
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."
The woman turns to him and says, "Nope, it's a black hole, and your chances of taking me home just got sucked into it."
19:34 UTC
Tip of the day
Never kiss your mom in your father’s birthday!
18:59 UTC
Why can't you have 12 jobs?
Dozen work.
18:39 UTC
An ox walks into a diner…
And sits in a booth. The waitress comes over to take his order.
He orders the regular breakfast, 2 eggs, choice of meat, potatoes, and toast. The waitress asks, “how do you like your yolk?”
Offended, the ox looks up and says, “I don’t.”
18:32 UTC
The USA and Canada have started airdropping submissive homemakers into each other’s territory.
It’s a Trad War
18:14 UTC
Why can't cows wear flip-flops?
They lactose....
17:54 UTC
Yesterday I was going to work, my husband stayed home on the couch watching TV. Three blocks later my car stalled and I went back home for help. When I entered the apartment I saw that my husband was having sex with the neighbor's daughter. He is 34, she is 19. I don't know what to do, I need advice
Yesterday I was going to work, my husband stayed home on the couch watching TV. Three blocks later my car stalled and I went back home for help. When I entered the apartment I saw that my husband was having sex with the neighbor's daughter. He is 34, she is 19. I don't know what to do, I need advice.
Most likely the problem is in the fuel line. Check the fuel hose for cracks, and if everything is ok, then the problem is probably in the fuel pump
17:29 UTC
We don’t approve of political jokes here.
We’ve seen too many get elected.
17:18 UTC
Food Joke
Multicultured. Liking more than one flavour of yogurt.
16:48 UTC
A group of those people that think the world is flat are missing.
It's like they fell off the face of the earth.
16:35 UTC
Here's a Joke I've Always Enjoyed in My Head
How does the Headless Horseman enjoy his coffee?
DECAPITATED!
16:30 UTC
How is Golf and Oral Sex Similar?
It’s important to keep your head down
16:12 UTC
Are Blowjobs misnamed?
Shouldn’t it be Suckfun?
16:11 UTC
Why was the cannibal upset after open mike.
It was a tough crowd.
16:06 UTC