/r/Jokes
The funniest sub on Reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
Welcome to /r/Jokes!
Please read our complete rules page before participating.
RULES
Jokes should be offered according to our list of best practices.
For explanations and examples, please read our complete rules page.No reposts of recent jokes.
While reposts in /r/Jokes are allowed, they must meet all criteria for acceptance.No bigotry, sexualization of minors, hate-speech, misogyny, or other unwelcome content.
Per Reddit's site-wide rules, unwelcome content is not allowed in posts or comments. Read more here.No spam or spam-enabling activity of any kind.
Spam and spam-enabling activity is strictly prohibited, regardless of how or where it takes place. Read more here. Users may only submit three jokes in a twenty-four-hour period.Adult-oriented media must be properly tagged.
Links of any kind are not allowed in posts. NSFW or NSFL content in comments must be appropriately tagged. Read more here.Please keep your comments lighthearted and civil.
Remember to treat your fellow Redditors with politeness and respect. Repeated or egregious violations will result in bans.Accounts must be in good standing.
Users with spam-like activity, spam-enabling behavior, or evidence of karma-farming in their histories may only post their own wholly original content. Accounts with very low or negative karma may need to seek manual approval for their submissions.Comments must be original and contributory.
Comments in /r/Jokes must written (and proofread) by their authors, and they must be intended to entertain, inform, educate, inspire, or enquire. Unoriginal or non-contributory comments are not allowed. Frequent or blatant violations of this rule will result in bans. Read more here.
If you find certain comments or submissions here offensive, the best way to address it is with more speech.
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/r/Jokes
30,048,437 Subscribers
Most people find public masturbation gross and disturbing
But I find it touching, myself
02:07 UTC
What do you call your preferred hand for playing if you have a young kitty?
!Handburger!!<
02:06 UTC
My wife asked me to guess how much she weighed. She was all smiles and giggles when I said "98".
Man, she would have been pissed if she knew I meant kilos.
00:49 UTC
What do you get when you cross a dog with a mortician?
A guy who hounds you to death!
00:28 UTC
Wife has an auto accident
So, my wife managed to crash the car again today.
When the police showed up, she was all fired up,
insisting that the guy she hit was being totally reckless.
“He was on his phone! Can you believe it?!” she exclaimed.
“And, to make matters worse, he was sitting there, casually sipping on a can of beer!”
The officer, trying his best to hold back a smile,
took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eye, and said,
“Ma’am… he can do whatever he wants… in his own living room.”
00:20 UTC
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch 🤕
00:11 UTC
A guy named Jack was stuck on my roof, so I helped him get down. I guess you could say...
That I have to file a police report because the bastard stole my ladder
00:09 UTC
My 7-year-old asked me to take him to McDonald's. I told him if he can spell it, I'll take him.
He said, "Fuck it, take me to KFC."
23:56 UTC
What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal!
23:51 UTC
What do you call a musical pastry?
A bop-tart
23:18 UTC
My wife teaches freshman composition at a local university.
My wife teaches freshman composition at a local university. One paper she was grading described a person as a "45-year-old, middle-aged housewife." My wife deleted "middle-aged," noted in red "redundant," and returned the paper.
When she received the rewrite, the revised line read: "a 45-year-old redundant housewife..."
22:07 UTC
Nobody at the playground liked my sprinkler impresion.
Swing and a piss.
20:12 UTC
This is for people mainly from the UK
Heard a comedian recently on a standup show, picking on the audience and mocking their home town. One lad was from Southampton - the comic had nothing to say about the city. Can any Hampshire Hog help him? And joke about dear old Soton?
20:06 UTC
Nobody likes spoiled children.
So make sure you use an airtight container when storing leftovers.
19:46 UTC
My wife just gave birth to our 20th child, and she’s already picked out a name for the next one!
She told me “After this one I’m calling it Quits.”
19:29 UTC
What do you get if you cross a lawyer and a chainsaw?
Layers!
18:28 UTC
Everybody should have a cat in their house.
You can't spell "homeowner" without "meow".
18:19 UTC
Lazy sons
Dottore, all five of my bambinos! They have the no ambition! They all want to be valets when they grow up, just like their lazy father! Can you do anything?”
“I’m afraid it is hopeless, Senora Abatangelo. It is the worst case of parking son’s disease I have ever seen.”
17:43 UTC
I was starting to think our landlord never got anything fixed.
But his smashed windshield was repaired in two days.
17:26 UTC
What's a vampire's favorite beer?
A bloody Busch.
17:09 UTC
Eating at McDonalds?
Just the thought of eating there makes me grimace
16:52 UTC
I never fucked a 10.
But one night I fucked five 2’s, and I think that should count.
RIP George Carlin
16:38 UTC
I became a Tampa Bay fan after accidently shooting a gun without hearing protection.
Ahhh! My Buccaneers!
16:13 UTC
What were you doing when the police arrived?
"What were you doing when the police arrived?" the judge asked the defendant.
"Waiting, sir."
"Waiting for what?"
"For money."
"Who was supposed to give you the money?"
"The man I was waiting for."
"Why was he going to give you the money?"
"For waiting."
"Enough of this!" exclaimed the judge.
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a waiter!"
15:55 UTC
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
15:39 UTC
Wearing a girdle
After a round of racquetball, two men were changing in the dressing room, when one of them put on a girdle. The other asked, "Whoa, when did you start wearing that thing?” He replied, “When my wife found it under the seat in the car.”
15:15 UTC
What position did Thanos play on his football team?
Center.
14:50 UTC
When should I use a condom?
Every conceivable situation.
14:22 UTC
I started crying today while mowing the lawn. My wife who was gardening at the time, saw me and asked if I was alright.
I told her I was just going through a rough patch.
14:00 UTC
What did the jew do in the morning?
Hebrew coffee
13:53 UTC