/r/Jokes
The funniest sub on Reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
Welcome to /r/Jokes!
Please read our complete rules page before participating.
RULES
Jokes should be offered according to our list of best practices.
For explanations and examples, please read our complete rules page.No reposts of recent jokes.
While reposts in /r/Jokes are allowed, they must meet all criteria for acceptance.No bigotry, sexualization of minors, hate-speech, misogyny, or other unwelcome content.
Per Reddit's site-wide rules, unwelcome content is not allowed in posts or comments. Read more here.No spam or spam-enabling activity of any kind.
Spam and spam-enabling activity is strictly prohibited, regardless of how or where it takes place. Read more here. Users may only submit three jokes in a twenty-four-hour period.Adult-oriented media must be properly tagged.
Links of any kind are not allowed in posts. NSFW or NSFL content in comments must be appropriately tagged. Read more here.Please keep your comments lighthearted and civil.
Remember to treat your fellow Redditors with politeness and respect. Repeated or egregious violations will result in bans.Accounts must be in good standing.
Users with spam-like activity, spam-enabling behavior, or evidence of karma-farming in their histories may only post their own wholly original content. Accounts with very low or negative karma may need to seek manual approval for their submissions.Comments must be original and contributory.
Comments in /r/Jokes must written (and proofread) by their authors, and they must be intended to entertain, inform, educate, inspire, or enquire. Unoriginal or non-contributory comments are not allowed. Frequent or blatant violations of this rule will result in bans. Read more here.
If you find certain comments or submissions here offensive, the best way to address it is with more speech.
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Every Christmas, many Americans watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Outside of the US, it's called How the Grcentimeter Stole Christmas
23:05 UTC
What’s the difference between a nun and an altar boy?
A nun says: “God the Father is inside me.”
An altar boy says: “God! The Father is inside me!”
22:28 UTC
Which Pope had the most photos published in celebrity news?
!Papa Ratzinger.!<
22:21 UTC
If Preparation H is such a success
How did Preparation G fail?
22:16 UTC
A guy goes to the emergency room and tells the doctor on duty that his butt hurts...
The doctor asks him exactly where it hurts.
"It hurts around the entrance", says the patient.
"Firstly", replies the doctor, "that's the exit. And secondly, it's gonna keep hurting until you figure that out!".
22:07 UTC
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
21:18 UTC
How did the nose leave the dance floor?
It boogied on out of there.
21:16 UTC
An old woman gets home and her cranky ass husband says "You're 2 hours late! Where the hell have you been? "
She responds, "I'm sorry, dear. I was at the gynecologist's office and I'm afraid we've got some bad news."
"I don't give a fuck about that! Where's my dinner? "
"Well, honey," she says, "this actually affects you too. You see, he told me that there is something horribly wrong with my vagina and I can't have any sex for the foreseeable future."
"That's all right," he says. " I'm pretty sure you didn't go to the ear nose and throat doctor today, did you? "
21:05 UTC
What do you call a movie about Greek space exploration?
Psi Phi
20:51 UTC
My Doctor has recommended special teflon coated footwear.
It's the only way I can walk around with my high levels of glue-toes.
20:38 UTC
Make sure you add a small amount of ground sesame to the hummus.
Just a tahini bit.
20:31 UTC
I met Nardwuar once
He was pretty chill and quirky. But things got awkward when he mentioned that I had left the stove on at home.
20:28 UTC
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged
19:59 UTC
What are the best type of shoes for spies to wear when they are on a mission?
sneakers
19:39 UTC
God, I’ve worked hard my entire life. Why can’t I win the lottery?
Meet me halfway …..
Buy a ticket
18:59 UTC
The guy at our local patisserie who does the giant eclairs has announced his retirement.
There's gonna be some big choux to fill.
18:55 UTC
My son said to me," What rhymes with orange."
I had to tell him it doesn't.
18:47 UTC
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are meeting up at the same airport. Who gets there first?
The lesbian couple, because they get there lickety-split, while the gay couple is still at home packing their shit.
18:46 UTC
When the airline destroyed my luggage, I contacted my lawyer
After I showed him the pictures, he said: "I'm afraid you don't have much of a case."
18:23 UTC
I was on a date and at one point, to break the ice, i asked:
"So, honey, what's your favorite bed position?"
She: "Probably... against the wall, so i can use my cell phone while it's charging."
18:19 UTC
Comedy is dead
Let’s dig up its corpse and use it to scare children
17:27 UTC
Engineers
4 engineers (chemical, electrical, mechanical, and computer) are driving on the highway. All of sudden the car starts making strange noises, sputters, and the engine dies. They roll to a stop at the side of the road.
The mechanical says “I heard clunking and grinding, so its probably the transmission.”
The chemical says “No i heard the engine missing. It’s probably bad gas.”
The electrical says “No way. The lights flickered and I heard crackling. We need a new battery.”
They all sit quiet for a minute, then they all look at the computer engineer. “What do you think we should do?” they all say.
The computer engineer says “ I think we should get out and get back in again. “
17:17 UTC
What is the world's favorite drink?
The World Cup
17:14 UTC
During my first parachute jump, I felt like a bird.
Flying and crapping, flying and crapping.
16:52 UTC
How do you make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it. How do you make chaste water?
You boil the fuck out of it.
16:11 UTC
The country hick
A country hick was walking along a path when he came upon a young girl crying. “What’s the matter?” he asked. “I’m bleeding between my legs!,” she replied. “OK, well, let me take a look,” he said. After she pulled down her shorts and panties, he exclaimed, “No wonder you’re bleeding, somebody cut off your dick!
15:01 UTC
I just heard inflation in Europe is so bad people are trading small cars instead of money
Apparently it's a Fiat currency
14:56 UTC
I met a girl at the bar and she said she will be happy to show me a good time.
When we got out, she ran the 100 metres in less than 13 seconds.
14:38 UTC
Went to Thailand and got with 2 prostitutes. It was like I'd won the lottery.
We had 6 matching balls.
14:13 UTC
Bran Stark to Bill gates, my fortune telling raven is three eyed, how is yours ?
MyCrow’sSoft.
13:35 UTC