Hi everyone, I’ve been on Reddit forever, but never felt the need to make a post. I’m in my late 20s (f) with a Q in his 30s. We’ve been together for over 4 years. I didn’t initially see the signs early on. I excused a lot and was probably too understanding, especially being fresh out of college. He is aware that he has a problem, I’ll watch him consume a handle of Jameson over 3 days. Which unfortunately his schedule allows for large gaps at home like that. He’s able to function to get to work, and is able to stop for a month or two but as soon as he gets stressed or overwhelmed, he returns to sitting on the couch drinking Jameson until he passes out. He’s told me he’s aware he’s an alcoholic.

I’ve begged him to stop, pleaded, talked with him while he’s sober, and he makes the steps to stop but then goes back. I have seen the aftermath of a father with addiction issues on my dads side due to alcohol and he’s aware of my concerns regarding that and starting a family. Ive asked him to talk to his doctor about some of the medications, there are ones that take away the pleasure of drinking and don’t make you throw up. I’ve begged for him to go to a group or rehab or even just read a book for support, but he just keeps trying to willpower through it.

He accuses me of just not loving him enough or not loving all of him. When I explain that I love him so much that I’m asking him to see how much this drinking is damaging his health, our relationship and how much it can harm any future children he ignores it. I don’t support it. I don’t consume alcohol around him, I don’t bring it into the house, I try to avoid alcohol centric places with him.

I’ve grown to hate the smell of alcohol in general but especially whiskey. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I’m looking for either, I’m just so lost at this point. I feel broken. Today marks 5 days from start to end of his most recent binge. I’ve been told by my therapist to just end it, and for some reason I just can’t bring myself to. I love him so much and he’s able to maintain sobriety for months at a time so I keep thinking he’s better and try to be understanding when something happens, but I just don’t know anymore. I guess I’m just looking for support and wanting to hear from the community?

My Q hasn’t talked to me since Tuesday except for a short text Wednesday saying he just needs some space. On Tuesday I’d told him I was worried about him, knowing he had been drinking all day on his day off before and for the first time didn’t stay and try and put him back together. That’s our typical beginning of the week cycle. I worry he is isolating and drinking and upset that he hasn’t reach out for help. He still thinks he can manage his drinking. My question is why do I care so much that he drinks when I’m not with him. Why do I worry and wait for him to text, knowing that he is holed up in his apt alone drinking beer. Does anyone else get the feeling that they are being cheated on? That’s the feeling I get. I really don’t think he is (not functional enough) but when I tell him I feel this way he apologizes but can’t offer any further support. I think he has stopped talking to me because I interfere with his drinking patterns while we are not together and he feels shame when confronted. Why do I keep confronting? Why do I care? I don’t know if he will ever talk to me again. I sent a text yesterday saying I need to work on not letting his drinking affect me so much, apologized for overstepping and asked him what further space he needs. No response.

Hi everyone

I’ve been attending daily online Alanon meetings (so amazing and convenient )

My bf and I have been together 3 years and through thick and thin. He’s the aloof type and I often feel abandoned and neglected when he’s in detox or hospital (he has a chronic illness as well). I have BPD for context.

He’s been gone about 3 weeks. I’ve received maybe 4 phone calls even though I know he’s allowed 2 x 10 minute phone calls a day. When we’ve spoken he’s shared how seriously he’s taking it, how overwhelmed he is, and how sometimes the days get away from him and he forgets to call. I’ve reacted with understanding and support even though it’s hard.

It’s been 3 days now (4 if he doesn’t call today). I’m trying so hard to focus on myself and take this time for me but it’s really hard when I’m waiting for a call. Alanon and friends do help.

But I’m just wondering: is this normal behaviour? I feel like maybe he’s rethinking the relationship as I know this happens when people get sober. I also am hurt he doesn’t feel the need to call. I also think maybe he’s just taking it seriously and it’s for the best he’s fully focused while there.

Just seeking some direction here, like what is sane thinking in this context? The current affirmation I’m trying out is « I am worthy of love » since this is a familiar feeling. I’m just so scared he doesn’t love me anymore. Or maybe just loved me because of all the times I stuck by him.

Thank you so much for reading

I posted here when my 30 year old step-daughter first moved in with us, and this group was super helpful. Now it’s been 6 months and I would like some perspective please.

The good:

• she’s working
• she bought a car with cash that she saved
• she’s taking care of her dog, vaccinations are up to date, etc.
• she’s taken meaningful steps toward paying off her debts, and is working with a credit counsellor to complete this

The bad:

• she’s dating another recovering alcoholic, and will often stay over there, leaving her dog for us to take care of
• she’s not attending meetings as often as we would like, and often has an excuse not to go
• she had a slip a few weeks ago. Now, she did tell us about it and vowed to “take AA” seriously. But I haven’t seen any meaningful change. She isn’t attending meetings more often and she still doesn’t have a sponsor.

She’s also not paying rent or groceries. This isn’t a big deal by itself, but I don’t want to be taken advantage of. I don’t want to push her away, but the bottom line is that I think she should be attending a meeting every day unless her work schedule absolutely prohibits this.

Am I being unreasonable? Too lenient? Thoughts please.

Al-anon was suggested to me numerous times throughout my life by close loved ones and friends, but I felt it was so dramatic of me to go.

I thought that just because my dad didn’t do anything particularly negative to ME when he was drunk, that I didn’t need any support.

I didn’t attend a meeting until he was put in rehab at age 65 after suffering from a subdural hematoma on his brain from a bad drunken fall.

While he was is rehab, we were encouraged to attend alanon meetings on premises after visiting hours. So I attended 6 meetings, purely in support of his medically mandated sobriety.

I went to 3 or 4 meetings and it didn’t feel like it was the right place for me. I felt awkward and didn’t feel like I could relate to many of the other group members.

But that 5th meeting??? That 5th meeting, changed my whole life.

It was during that 5th meeting that a woman stood up and said something that resonated so deeply within inside my soul, I couldn’t believe it was coming from another person’s mouth.

Keep going. You are here for a reason. ❤️

We started a trial separation after his second hospitalization for pancreatitis. He refused inpatient. Went to outpatient treatment. Again. Started drinking secretly, again. Every day, again. I told him we need to get divorced. We started mediation but couldn’t agree on parenting plans. Didn’t talk to him for several weeks over the summer. Then all of a sudden he comes out of the woodwork saying I’m crazy, he’s fine, he just has mild AUD. I’m trying to control him by requesting a step up parenting plan with guard rails and testing. Blah blah blah. He hits the bars and sleeps with other women. And lies about that too, Hasn’t seen his kids in 6 months and that’s my fault bc I’m “unreasonable”. He calls the kids here and there (no consistency) and acts like nothing is wrong, everything is fine, and I’m just in the way. The kids are confused and ask me a million questions. I’ve been shouldering the load entirely by myself for years. At this point, we’re going to court. I expect this divorce to cost a fortune and take an eternity bc he is just so so difficult.

Why do I miss my emotionally abusive Q so much? Why am I thinking about all the things I did wrong and second guessing if I am the “bad” and abusive one? We’ve had interactions since I left, and they all turn traumatizing. I’m so sick and tired of being criticized and name called every single day. Every day he has a new issue with me. I block. Unblock. Block.

I think I’m moving on and then I’m not. This man told me he hopes I die. He’s told me he’ll kill me… but just jokingly. I can’t help but wonder if I’m totally wrong.

I’m in therapy. It’s just like three steps forward, two steps back. Why is this so hard? Thank you.

My husband is a “functioning” alcoholic. He has never been violent or mean. He gets depressed and neglectful. This has been going on and off for pretty much 15 yrs. He is completely in denial. But, I’m starting to see that things between us aren’t going to get any better. 😔 I’m trying to figure out my next steps. With, teenagers in the house and years of marriage, I’m not ready to do anything drastic. (Plus, I’ve tried all the begging and the pleading. He doesn’t get it. He thinks it’s ok because he only drinks on the weekends and he doesn’t get angry. When I do try to talk to him, he gets so sad Sad/guilty. But he doesn’t change). 😔

Long story short, I want to do something to create some change in my life. I was thinking of going to Al-anon. But, I’m afraid to go because I am a talker and very expressive - it’s how I process. (I’m also pretty socially awkward. Especially when I’m nervous-diagnosed with sever ADHD and social anxiety. My “over the topness” is very pronounced and something I’m working on controlling. But, it wouldn’t ever go away). I went to one meeting about 8 years ago. I had a meltdown. People were kind, but It was MORTIFYING. I am in therapy for my self and on medication, now. So, I’m in a much better headspace and have much more support than before. But, the idea of a meeting still scares me (pretty much any group setting does, especially one where you have to be vulnerable).
Any suggestions on what I can do about this? I thought of preparing what I’m going share ahead of time? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Beyond that, Any other ideas? If, a meeting is too much, Are other ways of doing the program that can help? We aren’t in a horrible place right now. But, I can’t deal with him swaying and slurring his words on at 5 Friday anymore and lying to my face about it . Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! 🙏🏽

Edit: I really value this subreddit. I often find myself doubting my own reality. Being autistic, I'm easily manipulated and gaslighted. This subreddit serves as a sounding board and provides a dose of reality for me. Thanks! As the title says- I posted recently here, and I am new to this. I recently discovered that husband had an alcohol dependency. The confrontation was recent. I told him, "Your mom and I love you, and you need to go to therapy or any form of rehab." His response was, "You are so unfair and ungrateful. Don't you see that I'm taking what you told me seriously? I'm now drinking low-alcohol beers?" I don't know what to think. For example, he drinks 20 low-alcohol beers instead of 10 regular alcoholic ones. I'm not sure if I should celebrate this or not.

One of our fabulously overachieving brethren made this spreadsheet of all the LGBTQIA Al-Anon zoom meetings in the world. Be sure to check the tabs at the top or bottom for your correct time zone.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1u1Zt49HC2m_FUZMTJVlW-QR03muRIQu1PbeYxD8JMw4/edit

We’re consulting his doctor too, but I’m wondering how widespread digestive problems during recovery are. My husband is into his third month of sobriety and painful constipation has become a challenge. If you had this problem, was anything successful?

What he’s trying: High fiber meals Prunes & prune juice Metamucil Smooth move tea Walking more

• sorry thr title is supposed to say "Complicated"

I know this is going to be complicated to get into....

My Q was in the hospital for 6 weeks..due initially to jaundice and was out into the ICU, then general population where his ammonia levels rose too high and he aspirated into his lungs and had pneumonia for a couple of days and was on a ventilator for 9 days. He then was in PT rehab for another 2 weeks due to losing close to 30 lbs and needing to learn to walk again.

While he was in the hospital I had to move houses. While looking for roommates and interviewing candidates, I met one for coffee. I then left this candidate at a bus stop. They texted me later saying that the bus wasn't running and has no way home. I had to drop off thing at my Q's place while he was in hospital and offered to put up this candidate in my Q's place for the night. But the candidate did end up eventually finding an alternative ride home fo the night.

I spent every single day I had off of work at that hospital, from noon-7pm, when visiting hours where over. If I had to work, I would go to hospital after work I until visiting hours were over. I cleaned out his place when he couldn't afford it any longer. I did everything for him: wiped his ass, got him tobacco, got him food and snacks, kept him company when nobody else would visit him.

Now that he is out and back to work others in his bubble are telling him I let people stay in his place, which is not true. He would rather believe the people who were not there for him while he was at his lowest.point. But has now blocked.me and won't have anything to do with me.

I feel so used and lost at this moment. I am a nice and caring person. I was trying to be nice to everyone. Nobody stayed in his place, but he won't believe me over everyone else.

I just need some TLC. 😢😭

Today I (male) tried attending my first Al-Anon mtg after 1) 10 years living with my alcoholic spouse (also male), and 2) a year of having my therapist try to convince me to attend. My husband and I are in the middle of figuring out the logistics to get him into in-patient rehab. We own a business together so it’s a little difficult. I’ve felt overwhelmed the past decade and as excited as I am for him to seek treatment, I feel a bit under supported because I’ll be holding down both our household and our business while he’s gone. Which brings me to this morning, where I finally got the courage to attend an al-anon mtg only to be awkwardly turned away because they had recently turned the mtg into a women’s only group. Their schedule didn’t reflect this designation (it does for different times). I understand the need for women to have their own space—I wholeheartedly support this—but let me tell you it was a very hard and awkward walk back to where I had parked. I sat in the car and unexpectedly wept for a good ten minutes. I know it seems like a little thing—and I don’t know what I’m asking for here—probably nothing… I just needed a space to share this because I’ve already felt so alone these last ten years and today I feel it even more. :-/ if you’ve read this far, I appreciate it.

Personally, I think this is good news for several reasons and the newcomer flair just doesn’t work for me. It is important to note that my dad gave me his full consent and support to share this here.

This is going to be incredibly long and arduous. You may laugh, you may cry, you may learn something, or you may think this is ridiculous. If you feel so inclined to join me, sit back, buckle up, pull down on your lap bar, and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Thank you and please enjoy yourself here at Cyclical Park and Denial Kingdom.

My first memory is sitting in my father’s lap at an AA meeting. It was after the meeting when everyone stands around talking to each other about the meeting topic, catching up and/or speaking to whomever didn’t have an opportunity to share, but wanted to. For my entire childhood, he would take me with him, because he had to go. My mom was rather neglectful and he spent most of his time working, or working his hobbies, so these were times we could spend together in the car to and from the meeting, either in his lap in the meeting, under the pavilion while I swung on the swings next to it in the summers, or drink a cup of coffee in the back of the room listening.

I am well versed in the AA program and most regrettable bad coffee, because he’s been sober for 33 years now, the years in which I am now old. I still go to meetings when he’s a speaker to show my support as I am incredibly proud of him and understand why he spent so much time working on his hobbies, trying to save his marriage with my mother, why he wanted to save my step mother, and why she wouldn’t stop. Unfortunately, my mother remains riding the Black and White Coaster; a story need not told here.

I’m not an alcoholic or addict, but at 27 I couldn’t understand why my life didn’t seem to get better. My relationships kept getting worse ultimately to end and my friendships failed often. I felt guilty all the time. Lived so deeply in my head I never thought I could, or would, get out of it and I felt frozen in time. Like everyone around me was moving forward in their lives and there I was; a muddy and messy puddle below the Self Hatred Merry-Go-Round.

I wanted to make it better, so I took the steps and principles with me, held them dear to my heart, and started to practice them. I welcomed therapy, journaled ferociously, and began a deeply painful inventory. I looked directly into the eyes of my traumas going back to the moments they began recognizing how they affected me, so I could change reactions and control my triggers. This too made me feel worse as time continued to pass. I kept getting blamed, ignored, and invalidated. I kept being abused, manipulated, and lied to. I simply couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. What I was doing wrong, why I felt suicide was the only way to make it stop, and most crucially, why it was happening and why I was doing it.

I am no stranger to accountability for my actions. I apologize, make amends, and do my best to not do it again. I am responsible for my actions, no one and nothing is an excuse to me, but rather an explanation to facilitate growth and understanding. I remain on a healing journey, but I am human with faults. As long as I am aware of them, they can be managed. I know I will never be perfect and the journey never ends, so I ask God for help and for forgiveness, too.

However, there was one single trauma I never looked at. I wasn’t afraid to look at it and I didn’t think it affected me, so I ignored it: my step mother with whom I have never liked, never cared about, and want nothing still to do with.

My mom and dad’s marriage fell apart and they started the divorce process when I was 11. The divorce was incredibly raw, but before it was finalized, my dad met another woman at a meeting. My dad really liked her, believed she could get sober, and before I knew it, she was living with us. She drove a massive wedge between my dad and I by way of insecurity and jealousy. She was drunk all the time, drinking a box of Franzia Chardonnay a day, eventually turning yellow with a failing liver. She obviously neglected her children, so I took care of them while my dad neglected myself and my siblings trying to help her. And she certainly didn’t go to meetings with my dad like I would.

My current boyfriend asked me why I think my relationships/friendships are always bad. So I answered it, “Oh, probably because my childhood and how this stuff has affected me.” It’s cold, it’s raining, I’m wearing his sweat jacket with arms crossed for warmth, walking on wet cobblestones wearing cowboy boots looking down so I don’t slip and fall. I wasn’t angry or sad, I was bee-bopping away, just talking, completely happy to share my thoughts even though the context was by all means depressing. And he got cold. Told me I’m not present. That he was canceling our dinner because he doesn’t want to sit through another awkward meal where I don’t speak. I know this would only happen when I felt shut down when I was speaking, that I didn’t know what I was supposed to say, how I was supposed to say it, and what to say at all, but he couldn’t see it that way. How could he?

He told me that I am angry and negative all the time. That I live in the past. That I look inward too much, and should look outward. I spend too much time alone and should get a part time job or volunteer when I have a well-paying job. When I have hobbies and a few normal friends who have lives, too. I really like to clean, so that’s what I do when I’m not doing anything else and I’m home alone. I’m pretty introverted and I’m ok with a book, with introspection, and writing down my thoughts and feelings otherwise.

I’ve asked him to go to therapy, to stop lying to me, and to walk me through what happens when we have a bad day. I’ve asked him what he needs from me and what he wants from me and he refuses to answer all of these questions.

When we got back to my place, he gathered his things and left. Again. But this time, before he left, he told me if I wanted more, I needed to change. He said he didn’t blame me, he wasn’t blaming anyone and it just wasn’t working. Ever so naturally, I said, “It’s ok, I understand.” And I blamed myself for all of it. Again.

I listened to the clock tick for I don’t know how long. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t angry. I was ready to end it for once and for all. Staring. Telling myself I can’t call anyone, looking at all the little things around my house telling me people loved me. I kneeled down and my sweet precious baby kitten put his paw on my knee climbing into my lap. I decided to call someone instead of waiting for the train to leave at Suicidal Station alone.

I mentioned to her what he said every week for four years, “I want to drink less.” And how the last time, I ignorantly said, “You’ve been saying this for four years.” He would get upset and I never understood why. My watch buddy reminded me he takes no accountability, asked me a question I don’t remember, while giving me new perspective. I was now on the Awareness Waterslide whether I liked it or not. I will forever thank her for it, too.

When I went to sleep, I had a dream he said to me, “It’s not very emotionally mature of you to blame it all on yourself.” I woke up and realized he can’t cut back or stop for a reason. He tells me this because he knows he has a problem.

All the times he’s cancelled plans on me to drink with his friends. All the times he’s been hungover. The time he told me he had 27 beers in a day and it didn’t register. His hyper-focus on getting a beer every time we went out. Every time he pressured me to get a drink with him. The time I invited him over and he told me he couldn’t drive because he was home alone and drunk. The way he described how he drank during the pandemic. The drinking and driving, risking his career. The accident he got into thankfully not involving anyone else when he was drunk narrowly escaping being caught. Telling me he’s a better driver when he’s drunk. That time he told me he was going to the cabin and I found a parking receipt from the garage across the street from his favorite bar. I could be on the Delulu Daisy Cups for this one, but even when he would take my pictures off his refrigerator I bet he was drunk and feeling guilty. That time he told me he peed his pants on Christmas Eve. His anxiety. All the times he’s said it might work when he hasn’t drank in a week or two. Why he feels better when he doesn’t. Him not having answers when I ask him why he does the things he does that hurt me.

All of my reactions seem so futile to me now. I was absolutely blinded by all the other traumas I have. Thinking he’s cheating. Thinking he doesn’t love me. Thinking he is punishing me. Thinking he’s doing all of this on purpose. Thinking I’m not good enough. That he was hiding me from his friends and family. When what he was really hiding was his drinking and he didn’t want to be responsible for driving me when he planned to drink, wanted to drink, and drank in excess. None of which, as you can guess, is advantageous.

I suspect he tells me he wants to cut back, because he doesn’t know how to say the word: Alcoholic. He gets upset because I dismiss it. I ignore it. I invalidate it every time. I was negative when he was, in his own way, asking for support. Reaching out from beyond the glass wall I couldn’t see. I am remorseful for turning a blind eye to him, because my attitude towards my step mother was identical.

It was so ignorant of me to never look at my step mother. I realize now that she is the subconscious pattern I’ve been trying so hard to find. This is what I have been trying to fix. That all these years, I never put the pieces together or found the pattern. Knowing it was there, hiding under my nose the whole time and I couldn’t see it, because of my dismissal of her.

Every single person I have ever dated has had a drinking and/or drug problem and I never even noticed except for one directly in front of my face with blinking neon sign. I held that man’s hand when he shattered his leg as he cried to the doctors, “I can’t do opioids, please no opioids, no opioids,” and I myself knowing he’d slip away from the hand I was holding likely to never come back, I called my dad when he faded away. Even still, after a month of his active use, I told him I couldn’t and won’t watch him do this to himself, got in my car, and drove away. We’re not together, but he has been sober since that day and tells me I saved his life. I wish he understood it was not me who saved him.

It’s time I stop ignoring the subtle signs. Time my reactions and nonexistent reactions need to change. Time I stop dismissing my current partner and time for me to show up for him, present and aware, too.

I’m not angry with him. I’m not resentful. I’m not suspicious. And I don’t need to react that way anymore, either. It’s not his fault, and being that I grew up in the rooms, listening to the absolute torment this causes alcoholics themselves, I have nothing but compassion left to give, my reactions to keep in check, and my boundaries to hold.

The thing I can do for him is apologize for those things I know I could have absolutely handled better. I can acknowledge he has a problem, tell him if he wants it to change he can and has plenty of options available to him. I can provide him with all of the options and information I’ve gathered from my first memory until now, suggest he stop entirely, and support him in his efforts if that’s truly what he wants.

What I can do for me is tell him if he wants more, I can’t and I won’t live with an active alcoholic and/or drug user ever again. I cannot and will not be trying to control him or monitor him. I can’t and won’t be blowing up on him, wondering why I’m not invited, accusing him of something I know he’s not doing, taking this personally, or texting paragraphs I know he doesn’t know how to respond to. And I cannot and will not make him stop. Only he can do that. And if he doesn’t, there will come a day in which I leave, because I cannot and will not do this forever.

As for my step mother? She’s been “sober” for like 15 years. No, I don’t have any compassion for her and I don’t care. While I know it’s not her fault, she doesn’t work the program, doesn’t ask for help, doesn’t care she’s dry, and refuses to take her medication for the illness she self-medicated with alcohol, and I certainly don’t have the time or energy to waste on that. It never has been and never will be ok with me given all the work my dad put into overcoming his addiction and the time he gave her. I’m happy to announce he is finally divorcing her and breaking the cycle from the other side of his addiction.

Here’s to growth, here’s to change, here’s to all the meetings I attended, the steps, and the principles. Here’s to these years in therapy I’ve learned so much about myself. To letting go. To to being present. To being understanding. To being kind. To forgiving while maintaining a soft heart in the face of cruelty where and when forgiveness and a soft heart is due.

Please join me in the serenity prayer.

Got, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Not a Victim

You are not a victim.

How deeply ingrained our self-image as a victim can be! How habitual our feelings of misery and helplessness! Victimization can be like a gray cloak that surrounds us, both attracting that which will victimize us and causing us to generate the feelings of victimization.

Victimization can be so habitual that we may feel victimized even by the good things that happen to us!

Got a new car? Yes, we sigh, but it doesn’t run as well as I expected, and after all, it cost so much. . . .

You’ve got such a nice family! Yes, we sigh, but there are problems. And we’ve had such hard times. . . .

Well, your career certainly is going well! Ah, we sigh, but there is such a price to pay for success. All that extra paperwork. . . .

I have learned that, if we set our mind to it, we have an incredible, almost awesome ability to find misery in any situation, even the most wonderful of circumstances.

Shoulders bent, head down, we shuffle through life taking our blows.

Be done with it. Take off the gray cloak of despair, negativity, and victimization. Hurl it; let it blow away in the wind.

We are not victims. We may have been victimized. We may have allowed ourselves to be victimized. We may have sought out, created, or re-created situations that victimized us. But we are not victims.

We can stand in our power. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized. We do not have to let others victimize us. We do not have to seek out misery in either the most miserable or the best situations.

We are free to stand in the glow of self-responsibility.

Set a boundary! Deal with the anger! Tell someone no, or stop that! Walk away from a relationship! Ask for what you need! Make choices and take responsibility for them. Explore options. Give yourself what you need! Stand up straight, head up, and claim your power. Claim responsibility for yourself!

And learn to enjoy what’s good.

Today, I will refuse to think, talk, speak, or act like a victim. Instead, I will joyfully claim responsibility for myself and focus on what’s good and right in my life.

Hello,

I have a close friend that is a non-functional alcoholic in his early 30s. He cannot hold down a job, his relationship with his family, girlfriend, and friends are now stressed or ruined entirely. He is constantly soliciting people online for money to feed his addiction.

His family has begged him to go to rehab (and they would pay for it), but he refuses to go. Has anyone had a loved one in this situation that you were able to convince to attend rehab? If so, how did you get them on board?

Thanks in advance!

I have a three hour car ride with my fiancee today and I just found a (not so old) stash of empty beer cans. I’m angry and rather than being vindictive, I want to try to listen to a podcast with him. Does anyone have any recommendations for one that will grab the listener? I’m hoping for one that doesn’t feel like a sermon.

If she drinks five 100 oz boxes of wine in 30 days, how many glasses per night average is that? If a standard pour is 5 oz I’m looking at 3.3 glasses per night, right? Doesnt seem horrible but it sure seems like oftentimes many nights are more than that.

My partner recently went through medical detox, relapsed, went to inpatient rehab and just hit the 30 day sober mark. I’m supportive, and I’m proud of him but I feel more depressed than ever. I think being the partner of a newly sober person we get tossed to the side and people often forget we are grieving someone (their old selves) too. I don’t know what I’m asking for here just venting I guess.

Just that. We are powerless to alcohol. Once we can accept that, we can move on with OUR lives and stop worrying about the addict.

No more begging, pleading, manipulating, crying, being lied to, searching for booze, losing our minds, etc….

This IS the person they are and as hard as it is to accept this is our lives with them, we have to. This does not mean we have to stay checked into their freak show.

Don’t waste anymore of your precious time trying to help/fix them. It won’t work. Detach with love and refocus on yourself. Only then can we start to heal from this nightmare.

Daily reminder for myself

We were doing really well, or so I thought. He gradually cut down to 3 a night and we were going to marriage counseling. Then I began to notice several nights where he was super talkative (a sure sign he’s been drinking) and one night he literally was passing out while I was talking to him. He initially lied to me, again, and then eventually admitted that he was drinking more than what I knew about and hiding it in the garage. I am devastated. We talked and I reiterated my boundaries with him and told him that I would leave if I find out he’s hiding it or lying about it again. He said he’s going to come up with a ‘plan’ to fix himself. But now, I hate the person I’ve become. I can’t even talk to him, I’m always anxious, cry every day, and have zero trust in the man. I’ve even gone so far as to research cameras to hide in the garage to try to catch him lying to me again. This is not who I am and it’s killing me. Then I had a thought about asking him to leave until he figures things out. I didn’t know if this would make things worse for him when he’s trying to ‘recover’? Thoughts?

I quit drinking 90+ days ago with The Naked Mind method. Never felt better in my whole life and know theres no going back. I try not to be judgmental to anyone else of course I've been there myself recently, and just try to be a good role model and show how much better my life is now.

Her drinking has got worse and worse the last few years. Its at least a bottle of wine on weekend days, but the weekend is now Thursday-Sunday, the bottle has started to be put in weird positions like she's hiding the amount she has and I imagine a lot of the time its a lot more, and thats just a weekend nothing is happening, if theres an excuse to go somewhere its a lot more. Mon-Wed usually any excuse to go to a meal, to nip the shop, someones coming over lets get some drinks in etc.

She views herself as a complete casual drinker and I think she is in denial but I can see how unhappy it makes her and how it keeps getting more and more. A few months ago I made some progress as I couched it in "getting healthy" and she agreed to make an effort a bit with me, she even read some of the book and found it interesting, but I think she gave up and after a bit went back to it.

I'm thinking about talking to my dad and getting on the same page, after a rough weekend she usually agrees to "getting back to healthy living" kind of which is an easier way for her to take it and a less judgmental way, so I think I am going to try once more and see how that goes. IDK.

Hi. I have a question for the community. Ever since my dad has retired a few years ago he has become a very serious alcoholic. He’s had back pain most of his life which is what he uses as an excuse as to why he drinks. The kicker is he is also taking OxyContin which as everyone knows is a very dangerous combination.

My wife and I just recently welcomed a baby into our lives and he is a year old now. They of course want to spend time with their grandchild. Last time I was there I walked into their kitchen in the morning and saw my dad around the corner with a bottle of gin in his hand and it was upside down and he was chugging from it. He didn’t think anyone saw him and told us he was just getting a water and to go ahead and eat. We finished breakfast and packed up our stuff and left.

I confronted him about it and said how scary it was for me to see that and how I want to help him get help. And I set some boundaries by telling him that he is welcome to do what he wants as he’s an adult but I don’t want him drinking around me or my family. And if he does he will be asked to leave or I will leave if I am there. He didn’t take that well and sent me a long email pointing fingers at me for accusing him and I have no idea what he’s going through, etc. etc.

Fast forward about a month and they came and stayed with me. First day went really well. He was sober the entire time. Second morning I woke up and he was clearly intoxicated and I went into my liquor cabinet and one of my almost full bottles of tequila was half gone (this was 10 am in the morning).

I went about a month without talking to him after that event. Then we had a chat on the phone and I confronted him and told him I knew everything and I know he was drinking at my house. He denied it of course. But I know it for a fact. I told him very clearly on that call if he is drinking around me or my family again, I will be going no contact with him until he gets help and is sober. He promised me I would never have to bring this up with him again and thanked me for giving him a second chance.

After this conversation, I saw him several times and things seem to be going well despite my mom saying that he’s still drinking heavily at home. The last time he came up though he kept going outside to his car. So the last time he did it I opened the ring app to see what he was doing and saw that he was going out to drink out of a bottle of gin in my driveway in broad daylight. So I went back and looked at other footage from the day and found that he had done that 3 other times the day. All the while interacting with and holding my baby that day and driving my mom to lunch.

I have since gone no contact with him and enforced the consequences of the boundary and explained very clearly to him why I made this decision and that if he seeks treatment and is sober I would love to rebuild the relationship at that time. But the rest of my family thinks I’m being too harsh. My own brother said “He needs our love and support right now, not being cut out of our lives.” I think my dad has really painted himself as the victim here and is manipulating my brother so that he thinks I’m the bad guy. My dad has even texted me “You and I need to sit down and talk. Stop your demands and talk to me. I have a lot to talk to you about but I’m not going to do it like this.”

What’s the best path forward from here? I know that the boundaries I set and my decision to go no contact was the right one but I am feeling immense pressure from my family to reconnect with him. He’s broken my trust and lied to me so many times that I don’t want to have a relationship with him until he gets help. And I’ve told him this, he’s just not willing to accept it.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

I’ve been going to Al-Anon meeting for a couple weeks, at least one a day and sometimes two or three. Been married for 23 years and his alcoholism really ramped up in the past 10 years. In May it escalated to him breaking my iPad and I packed his bag and drove him to rehab. There was a period of sobriety, maybe a few months.

Then the last 2 weeks…a relapse and he’s been dissociated and very verbally abusive. I spent 2 nights in a motel, which was the strongest stand I’ve ever taken for myself. I’ve never had boundaries, unfortunately, and I’m sure that contributes to his relapses. During the time I was at the motel he blacked out, fell down and broke his arm.

He’s said repeatedly he wants to taper to sobriety, but doesn’t follow through. It’s a roller coaster and I’m so very tired.

Today on the way driving him 2 hours to the orthopedic doctor for his broken arm, I gave him 3 choices.

1. you can stay home if you attend recovery meetings, go to therapy at least weekly and take naltrexone again

2. go back to rehab (always leaves early because he’s “smarter than them”) 🙄

3. find somewhere else to live 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m going out of town for the weekend and told him he has that time to think about the direction he wants to take. I work FT and when he’s sober, he’s an awesome househusband- laundry, meals, cleaning, etc. I’m fine with that arrangement and I don’t care if he doesn’t have a job. However, I am tired of subsidizing the alcohol that contributes to me being called names and emotionally abused. That’s why I gave the 3 choices.

Apparently he did hear me and understand at some level🤞 because tonight he asked me to drive him to an AA meeting and says he’s going to go visit our neighbor this weekend who is also in AA.

He does have a diagnosis of a dissociative disorder and I feel bad that he’s using alcohol to cope, but I’m not going down with the ship. There’s more context obviously but just wondering if I’m setting myself up for disappointment by giving him these options. 😞 If yes, what is a better way to handle this?

Our phones track each other's, not because of this, but because we like it. Woke up and felt like she was out of the house, checked thinking she was probably doing a late night snack run and it's hard to mistake the ping in the parking lot. I guess I just really didn't think she'd relapse. Just trying to be unemotional about it I guess. I'll probably ask in the morning.

Im just sad. I honestly avoid talking to my father in law. We live in the same house and my partner also avoids talking to him too. It makes me sad seeing him drink drink and drink. I told my partner he's killing himself and I started crying uncontrollably. My partner said he knows, and has cried so much for the past 15+ years, he's accepted it. I'm scared that he won't wake up one day. This will destroy my partner and his family. I won't be able to see his mom grieve, it'll be too much for me. She's one of the strongest women I know, so dedicated to her meetings. I won't lie, I've had horrible intrusive thoughts where I say, "why doesn't he just die". I'm tired of seeing the pain he puts my mother in law through, same with the rest of the family. I know he doesn't mean it but it seems selfish of him to me. I guess I just wanted to rant a bit. I will keep on educating myself about this addiction and attend more meetings.

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice/insight. My q is my boyfriend and 7 days ago he checked himself into in patient rehab (30 days). We have been dating for 4 years and he took Xanax before we even started dating & stopped when we dated so i just assumed he didn't have an addiction to it? Well, a week ago he confessed to me that he has been taking Xanax everyday for the past year - completely functional addiction. I have absolutely no idea how to support him through this while also prioritizing my healing process because l've come to learn that l've been extremely codependent with him. He calls me every day basically & yesterday he had a bad day & told me he didn't want to call me for a few days because he might think im a trigger for his addiction? I felt so hurt he could think that and really realized how much ebbs and flows this recovery process will have. Anyways, since realizing this I sorta want to take some distance for myself, but will that be seen as unsupportive if i ask him not to call me? Or do i let him call me whenever? I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I sometimes feel like our conversations are making things worse and i don't know what to talk about and what to avoid talking about. Idk hopefully this makes sense

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this, so please let me know if not.

Also, I'm in Australia, so please if you're giving suggestions, keep that in mind.

So the good news is that my Q has finally admitted that drinking is a really serious problem for him and he needs some actual professional help. Previously, he'd tried moderation, drinking in only certain situations (spoiler, the situations he was 'allowed' to drink in became more frequent), hypnotherapy etc. This all came about after he had a couple of small relapses.

He is not at all religious, and we've discussed AA, but he doesn't think it's right for him, which I can understand.

He's reached out to an alcohol rehab place that does an outpatient program. It's about $400/week, but our private health insurance should cover some or all of it. But the kicker is, he needs to have an initial assessment with a psychiatrist every 6 weeks, and a review every 6 weeks which is $300-750 per session, usually not claimable with private health, but we can claim about $150 back through medicare.

I'm firstly floored at the barriers to people actually getting professional help with this. We can probably shuffle stuff around with our budget to make it work, and if it helps him quit for good, then of course worth it. I'm just wondering if anyone in Australia knows of alternatives? We are DINKS with 2 good incomes, and it's going to be a challenge to our budget, how to regular people afford this?

We tried a number that was listed on some support websites for a public drug and alcohol health place and they just never answer, it's crazy.

Oh and the other kicker is that if you go through with this, it goes on your medical record and will need to be declared in future for life, health and travel insurance. It seems people are punished for seeking professional help?

Overall, I'm happy that he's taking steps to address this and taking it seriously. I've tried to balance being supportive vs doing it for him and being his mum... but I feel like he's taken some solid first steps and I'd like to research any alternatives that might make it easier/cheaper.

Facing fear, Learning Acceptance

My mom was the wife of an Air Force officer and a closet alcoholic.  She always kept up appearances and expected no less from me.  The message I learned was, “Trust no one because you’ll be judged by what you look like, what you do, and what you say.”  In other words, “Hide the truth and pretend you’re perfect at all times, regardless of how you feel.”

“What if” dominated my thinking every time I left the house, especially when I began to date as a young teen.  It would begin the day of the first date when I would pace the house debating which outfit would show that I was interested in attracting a young man’s attention.  I was consumed by fear that young men might find out about my Mom’s alcoholism, even though she quit drinking when I was eight years old and she became pregnant with my sister.

“-Isms” were prominent in our house, even though I didn’t know it back then.  I knew it wasn’t a “normal” family situation, so I rarely brought any of my dates home.

In Al-Anon, I am faced with moments where “what if” tries to slip me up in my day-to-day living.  Now, I take a much healthier approach and have an attitude of surrender.  I am able to look at some occurrences as God’s will, not mine, and I face my fears and worries about intimate relationships with less anxiety.  I am able to say, “If this turns out not to go the way I would like it, there’s a reason.”  I may not know what it is or why, but I have an easier time accepting it by using the Serenity Prayer, attending Al-Anon meetings, and talking with other members.
 
By Krista B., New York  July, 2008Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

At best, he was perpetually in a hungover state and needed me to handle everything

At worst, he was a violent scary chaotic alcoholic with the personality of a 45 year old frat boy.

He finally quit. He has quit before, and failed. This time, he tapered off and just stopped. And he’s so happy. And motivated. And becoming independent.

I can’t help but feel abandoned by all of this.

For example, when he drank, I could not walk into the room without him having some chore, reminder, sarcastic comment, etc. This used to drive me up. The. Wall.

Now? He often does not acknowledge me when I walk into a room. I feel like negative attention was still attention.

He feels great. He’s exploring his new world. He does not understand why I’m so upset. Why this is “such a mountain to climb”. He “can’t relate” and “doesn’t know what to say, but that sucks”

I feel like the heavy burden of picking up the pieces falls on my shoulders because I might cause him to relapse. I recognize how dangerous this situation is. How fragile.

He’s taking our nephew and son to a football game this weekend and I’m not ready for any of this. I hate myself for feeling so down when I finally got what I wanted.

I can’t stop crying. Am I completely alone here?? Am I normal?????