I live in a flat with my two mates (both male mid twenties) and one of them has been open about his struggle with alcohol. For the sake of this story I’ll call him Kai and my other Adrian. I first moved in, I was sure to get a mini fridge as a rule in the house was no liquor in the main one- totally makes sense seeing as we aren’t an entirely “dry” household. Adrian and inalso don’t drink in the common areas usually; unless we have given a heads up / consent check in with Kai.

Recently, Kai been “drinking in a chill way”, which is always a slippery slope- but we did our best to just trust him as it’s his recovery. It started with Kai having his girlfriend over and getting drunk with her on occasion, and vice versa. This irritated Adrian and I as we believe it’s enabling behaviour. This has happened a couple times, and it seems to us that she is at best ‘indifferent’ toward Kai’s recovery.

The other night Kai asked for a small glass of wine after I came home to him already drinking a beer. I had got him a non alcoholic bottle for xmas but he insisted on just a small bit of red wine instead. My girlfriend poured him a small glass, more of a social stimulant than enough to get tipsy, and my gf, aidran, Kai and I had a good time watching a movie together. When my gf and I weren’t in the room, Kai snuck another much larger glass and luckily Adrian caught it and didn’t allow the full amount. I’ve encouraged them to drink the non alcoholic wine since, but it’s been untouched.

Last night things really came to a head when I got a phone call from Adrian’s gf at 2AM saying Kai had spam called her and our mutual friend dozens of times. They said Kai looked to be very drunk downtown on his own. He has friends that let him drink “casually” when they go out, and it seemed like casual escalated quickly as it often does. Kai had already made it home safely just less than an hour prior, so I was super confused. Turns out, he went back downtown to go meet up with our mutual friend who was not even at the spot where I found Kai. I ended up running down the street till I found a taxi and scooping him up since he was too fucked to get home by himself. When I got him home, he kept drinking soju from the bottle. I confiscated it and put in in my mini fridge while he was in the bathroom. He doesn’t notice, but later comes out of his room with some mikes hard mixed drinks.

Adrian has had a history with Kai and his sobriety in the house. There’s been lots of reinstating and reestablishing boundaries, changes to Adrian and i’s day to day as he works at a liquor store and I am a stay at home worker who enjoys a glass by eod. Kai has told us that if he doesn’t stop drinking like this his chrohns will worsen and he will become extremely physically unwell. This is all very triggering for me as I have my own history with substance abuse and getting sober. I can now drink casually and in a controlled manner after 5-6 years of being sober. I know that dosent always work for everyone so I just need advice.

Obviously a larger conversation needs to be had, but I’m looking for any advice before I engage in that discussion. What boundaries should be in place moving forward? How do we hold him accountable while still showing we love him?

I’ve told my Q of 25 years that I just don’t care if he drinks. I am finally detaching from his drinking. We are separating/divorcing. He took it to mean that I don’t care if he lives or dies. WtF?!?! He also has suicidal ideation everyday. He’s told me. He’s seeing a therapist. I told him that all his guns are locked up until I get the ok from his therapist or a psychiatrist. Am I wrong to do this???? We have kids together. Thanks!

My husband hasn’t had a drink since he relapsed in 2020. Since then we had our now 2 year old daughter through IVF, moved, & did another round of IVF. I’m a SAHM and currently 5 months pregnant. Sometime in the past 2-3 weeks he started drinking again, initially lied about it of course, but then admitted it & said he was working on getting help. Nothing has changed.

He comes home from work impaired and smelling like vodka. I know I’m not supposed to shame, or accuse, or even ask too many questions bc of course the answers will be lies, but just pretending life is normal is exhausting. There’s so much on the line now when before it was just him and I both working full-time jobs. I have no idea if he’s drinking all day (doesn’t seem like it when he FaceTimes during the day, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time). I’m terrified he’s going to lose his job or get a dui. He’s a high income earner so even if I went back full-time right now on my own I don’t think I’d come close to covering everything especially with the addition of full-time childcare.

More in the right-now, it’s f’ing Christmas. One I was so damn excited to celebrate together as a family with our toddler. Am I just supposed to keep pretending everything is normal until he finds his way on his own?? I’m quickly becoming very resentful. Thanks for reading along.

Hey all, my Q is supposed to be sober (maybe a month now) but is not remembering conversations, shows watched, things like that, that we have done in the very recent past--like, the last day or week. Is this a normal result of past heavy drinking, a bad result of past drinking (like brain damage), or is he drinking in secret aging? Anyone have experience with this?

I saw a Tik Tok about the mental gymnastics that alcoholics give you for every reason their life is in chaos EXCEPT the drinking. It made me think about the mental gymnastics in general that will occur. I am no longer with my alcoholic but I like to share stories so you can see yourself in me and seek out whatever help you need.

He wanted us to eat healthier and suggested salads with salmon for dinner despite knowing I do not like fish. I already eat salads constantly. I love salads. My diet is fine. This is a wonderful idea. I have been trying to get him to eat more than what the alcohol demon inside of him wants to eat forever so I'll take the win but I knew I had to tread lightly. I learned that if I am not immediately positive of all of his thoughts, it will end badly for me. I will eat most meats in my salad... just not fish. Pork, Chicken, Steak, Shrimp, Hard Boiled Egg, even Deli meats. When I said well that is a great idea to eat healthier but you know that I do not like salmon but maybe you can have the salmon and I'll have shrimp to pair well with your salmon.

He went on about how much extra work it would be to make two different meals for dinner (the only difference would be the meat) and it would make more sense for us to just do salmon. I think he also mentioned the importance of eating the same meal together as a family. (The same man who refused to eat homecooked meals at dinner time or together because beer wants pizza at midnight or a burger at 2 am.)

I again reminded him that I do not like salmon. I have never in my entire life. I have tried it a million times. I am not eating it and I am certainly not ruining a salad with something I DETEST. Now, this was a constant conversation we would have. For him. having food preferences is wrong and you should just eat what is given. (For Additional Food Context: It was a blast explaining whole cow milk makes my stomach suffer and I can only drink lactose free, fat free milk so we have to buy two different milks and he cannot drink all of mine. He would still drink all the milk in the house and/or refused to buy any milk that wasn't whole cow milk and I ended up having to cut milk out of my diet completely to stop the fights - we became a whole cow milk only family.) Obviously, based on previous food fights, I knew the odds were stacked against me.

He further explained the extra dishes and time to cook shrimp. I explained how easy shrimp is to prepare for a salad as I tend to only buy already cooked shrimp: fresh or frozen. I explained how I just microwave shrimp if they are frozen to thaw the 3 to 6 shrimps I would put in a salad and if it's fresh, I could microwave it if I wanted but it's a salad with lettuce, it's okay to be cold. He couldn't talk his way out of that one...

He went on about the storage space of storing shrimp. Baffled as I know shrimp are known for being SMALL and they don't take much more room, I was confused. So, since he wasn't winning, he brought up that I am not buying raw shrimp and how much extra money it would cost. (I buy the shrimp but not my argument) He is buying fresh RAW salmon by the pound but even then, Salmon is MORE expensive than Shrimp but I know the conversation is dead.

At this point in the conversation, he is so mad at me for not agreeing and doing exactly what he wants so I get blamed for not believing in him and supporting him and encouraging all of his ideas all the time. He goes on about every time he tries to improve us that I just shut him down. He told himself that he was not going to drink today but now because of my actions, he HAS to because I just don't believe in him. So, he goes to the store and gets beer. This was one of the last fights before we broke up. He brought up my lack of trying to improve us in his break up speech.

So, because I don't want to eat a food I don't like... he HAS to drink.  

 ... and that my dear friends is the mental gymnastics of drinking...

Again, want to clarify - I am out of the relationship and have not talked to him over a year.

My Q is a functional alcoholic. He doesn’t miss work, doesn’t drive drunk. Makes good money. But he drinks 4-5 9.5% IPAs every night, or boxed wine or hard liquor, whatever his choice of poison is. On the weekends he will often binge, to the point where he is basically blacked out/falling/pissing himself for 48 hours straight.

The last few months have been very difficult. He works long hours and has a dangerous and strenuous job. Would often get home and immediately nap, wake up to drink, and go back to sleep. I feel like I haven’t encountered him awake/sober in months.

Last weekend he binged all day. I think he was feeling bad about it because by Wednesday he declared he was done drinking. He didn’t drink Wednesday or Thursday. It was like he’d returned from some long trip away and I got to see him again. I had that glimmer of hope that maybe this time it would stick. On Friday he was off and I was working from home. He was working on some projects in the basement and was getting cranky. I assumed from withdrawals and was trying not to take it personally. He was mad that I hadn’t gotten my tires replaced yet as it’s now snowy in our region, and I let him bully me into running out to get tires even though I really didn’t have time and I really wanted to wait until after Christmas to make such a large purchase.

He knew I was going to a gym class with my friend at 4:00, which went to 5:15. My friend and I decided to get pedicures at the salon next door; before I could call him to tell him, he called me asking where I was. I said we’d decided to get a quick pedicure and then we’d be home. He sounded irritated, and I instantly started to get that panicky feeling. As I was driving home I was riddled with anxiety because I was pretty sure I knew what I’d find when I got home.

He was absolutely hammered, and immediately started berating me the second I walked in the door, saying all sorts of mean and hurtful things. I just tried to stay away from him and slept on the couch. He has been binge drinking ever since. At one point around 11:00am today he was sobered up enough to drive himself to get more alcohol. I left to run some errands and got back to him falling over and into things.

I am so heartbroken. I’m heartbroken because I was stupid enough to think this time would be any different. I’m heartbroken because it’s Christmas and it feels ruined. I’m heartbroken for myself because I feel wildly anxious and can’t concentrate on anything. We aren’t married and this is his house, so I will have to find somewhere to go and incur all the expense in doing so.

I feel betrayed and miserable. I wish I had somewhere I could go immediately with my two dogs.

My wife got a Roux en Y (gastric bypass) a few years ago because she was about 100lbs overweight and has PCOS and one of her docs (i think it was fertility doctor) recommended it. She lost 100lbs, got a big mommy makeover surgery all over, and ever since her bypass if she has a couple glasses of wine or more or some tequila she becomes a whole different person. The kids recognize it, I recognize it, and we all frankly hate it and are tired of it. She was driving our golf cart around the neighborhood lake with a girlfriend and rolled the golf cart a year or two back and broke the cart and I had to get it into the truck in the middle of the night so I could bring it home. Her and her friend got thrown out of it and she was out laying on the ground unresponsive when I got there. It could’ve been worse. I know she’s driven the truck buzzed also but not frequently but all it takes is once. I’ve been harping on her and now she’s cut way back but when she does, which is maybe once a week, she has just become sneaky about it - she comes home from running errands but probably met up with at a girlfriend for margs or wine and I’ve found airplane bottles of tequila in her truck twice in the last month or so.

She is not a nice person to me after an airplane bottle or two of tequila. I know I’m not perfect and like thc and she uses that as her excuse and she’s lying about not drinking when she does it now. I’m wondering about trying al-anon. Do I tell her I’m going? Can the kids go with? I don’t think I will even consider that for a while since they’re only 10. I’ve cut way back on the thc use and will not have a single drink at all anymore because I’m trying to avoid increasing any temptation she might have. Her stomach is the size of a walnut after the surgery. I can’t imagine tequila is good for that sized stomach. She will probably lose it when she finds out I’m thinking of going to Alanon and she will really balk at going when she finds out they seem al all be at a church because we’re not christian nor religious. What do I do?

I (25F) am joining and seeking resources for myself because I feel as if that's my only option. I don't even know if this is what I need to do or if I'm over reacting. My fiance (25M) has a history of drug addiction. His vice was vanax mostly. He has been almost 5 years sober from them and everything other than weed (he has a med card) and alcohol. He was 3 years sober completely but started drinking towards the end of his toxic relationship with his ex. (For reference we went to school together. We dated on and off since 7th grade but when we graduated he was big into the party scene in college and I wasn't so we lost contact until recently rekindling. I was aware of his time in rehab and jail and everything from his past.) He has always been open with me about his struggles with drinking in the past and when we first got back together it wasn't an issue that I could see. He drank socially only. After he moved in I saw him drinking often but he was never drunk to the point of concern. There were a few times I spoke with him about how I would like him to not drink as much for various reason (I don't drink, I have a 2 year old he watches some days I'm at work, and financial reasons). These conversations use to go over well. He would not drink for a while and things were fine. Fast forward to the past 4 months. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and since I've been pregnant he has started drinking more again. Not as often, but when he does it's a lot. The three times I have brought it up in the past 4 months it's always ended in a huge argument. When he drinks like that he gets very mean towards me. He tells me to "go fuck myself" and last night he told me he didnt want to be with me anymore. He tried to say something about how no wonder I was a single mom before we got together, etc. I understand he was drunk and decided to stop engaging when he started being hateful. But it hurts me to hear him say those things.

I don't feel as if he can drink responsibly. I am the only one working (financially not an issue) bc he is staying at home to build our homestead out and work on it. This arrangement was great when he doesn't drink. But being pregnant and working long hours as a tattoo artist when I get home I'm tired. I have been especially tired recently. All day yesterday I was telling him how I didn't sleep well all week and I was ready to get some good sleep last night. Instead, when I get home, our daughter was still awake. When I got home he got on his computer and I had to try to get her to sleep. When he got off his game she was still up but he went and got in bed. I made a comment about how I was tired and didn't really appreciate how the night went despite me asking to get in bed early after work. That is what sent him off.

Is AlAnon something that would benefit me in this situation? He already has a sponsor from NA that he has lost touch with. Idk if I could get him to go to meetings or therapy bc he doesn't see anything wrong with his "occasional" drinking. Am I over reacting to come to meeting or am I doing the right things seeking help for myself on how to move forward?

Info for Newcomers

Welcome ,what are you doing For your recovery from their disease? Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings? By posting here YOU are being affected

At Al-Anon meetings I learned the 3 C's: I didn't CAUSE alcoholism, I can't CONTROL it & I can't CURE it. I also learned that I am allowed to set boundaries. Also that his recovery depends on him NOT you. Also that alcoholism is a progressive disease

Also covering up, lying & hiding the drinking is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. Here is a famous AA saying : one drink is too many & a thousand are not enough.

Here is a link to our detachment leaflet: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/alcoholic

A few suggestions for recovery from this family disease of alcoholism

Go to the now mostly virtual meetings when possible

Read the literature & get a sponsor to work the steps in Al-Anon

Remember you are not alone

Focus on yourself not on the alcoholic

DENIAL = Don't Even kNow that I Am Lying.

Here is a link to some word-wide local virtual & in person Al-Anon meetings almost 24/7.. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784

Check out this link to attend via email, zoom, and/or phone meetings.https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/Some local meetings (both virtual and in-person) by country, state or province. You can also Google: al anon + [your city or state] https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/

Here's the app link from the website:https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/ V

https://al-anon.org/series/welcome-newcomers/?utm_source=intheloop&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20220706ITL&utm_term=EN-buttonlink6_Check-Out-the-Newcomers-Page_&utm_content=/series/welcome-newcomers/Some videos to watch: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Azhy9lsF92S7rMimhWx2iPCqDsKdLraZfQ5DDHLaLuA/edithttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJaKP5S2Wc

Here is a link to word-wide local virtual Al-Anon meetings: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784

Here is a link to normal electronic meetings : https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/ including regular email & phone meetings.

Here is the link to local Virtual & in PERSON meetings : https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/ by country ,state or province; or google Al-Anon + your city or state.

Here's the app link from the website: https://al-anon.org/?ss360Query=a%5B%5B

https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/al-anon-faces-alcoholism/

https://al-anon.org/for-members/public-outreach/materials-post-online/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJaKP5S2Wc

Good luck to you

I Tied Myself Into Knots -With a Shoelace
I realize now how quickly I can revert to my old thinking—if I’m not vigilant.  One morning as I went out to get the newspaper, I saw a dirty shoelace lying on the walkway.  I automatically assumed that one of my grown children, who live with me, had dropped it as they came in.
 
I looked at it and left it there.  “That’s not mine to pick up,” I said to myself.  “I already do enough around here.”
 
Days passed, and I kept stepping over that dirty shoelace.  Surely, someone would pick it up.  My husband and two children go out that front door every day, taking that same path.  My resentment grew as I thought about how inconsiderate they were—too lazy to pick up a shoelace.  Why do I have to be the one to do everything?
 
I was getting angrier by the day.  Finally, I bent over and picked up that dirty shoelace.  As I held the weightless item in my hand, it no longer seemed such an obstacle.  I started to smile, and then a little laughter followed.  Where was my program?  How did I expect someone to do something without asking?  Old behaviors were creeping back.  “How Important Is It?”
 
I could have picked up that shoelace on day one and saved myself a battle in my head.  But, I chose to hang on to it.  How many times in my dealings with the alcoholic did I choose to hang on to it?  Who was hurt the most?  Me!  I lost my serenity over something so trivial.
 
I carry that shoelace as a bookmark in my “One Day At A Time” (B-6) to be my constant reminder to let go of the small stuff, and to ask for help when I need it.  I don’t need to be the martyr.
 
I thank my Higher Power for putting these little reminders in my life and ask Him to guide me in my everyday trials, no matter how big or how small.
 
By Patti B., Ohio  July, 2011Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

Bridging the Emotional Gap
​Between Father and Son

“Did it every bother you that I loved your sister more than I did you?”  My father gave the question a casual sound, as though he was inquiring about the weather.
 
Years later the moment remains clear in my mind—my father sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, the usual drink in his hand, looking at me slouched in a chair across the room.  He was drunk, as he usually was during one of his unexpected visits to the city where I lived.
 
He had called asking if I would stop by his hotel.  I took a deep breath, and felt the icy caress of the forced calm that I willed into place whenever he invaded my space.
 
Years of putting up with the dark moods that boiled up around him when he was drinking had resulted in an emotional distance—my defense against his presence.  Just don’t let yourself feel anything, I had told myself repeatedly.
 
The thing I had learned to do was to say no—as in “no I can’t visit.”  He was my father, I couldn’t say no.  I armored myself and drove to his hotel room, accepting the drink he poured me, forcing a smile, taking a sip, and then leaving the rest of it untouched.
 
I let the weight of his question rest in my mind for a few moments before I answered with a careful shrug, keeping that grip on my feelings.  “No, not really,” I said, doing a good job of hiding my surprise because my father had never talked about any feelings except his own.  Although I had always sensed his absence of interest in me, he had never approached the issue so directly.
 
Years later, I can remember his lack of expression, the way he looked at me but beyond me, his mind probably fastened on thoughts I could not imagine. 

Was he considering a follow-up question or had his mind moved on?  Was he trying to force his way into the thick of emotions that separated father and son?
 
I was tempted to ask, imitating his casual manner, if he had ever loved me at all.  But I could not find my voice and let it go.  Our conversation rolled off in directions I no longer recall.
 
The shock of my father’s unexpected question and my sense of having confirmed the loss of a relationship that never really existed remained rock solid in my mind long after time had washed away other shapes associated with that day.  Several years later, I would ask an Al-Anon friend, “Is loneliness one of those personality defects our program talks about or is it a condition of the heart that causes other defects to flourish?”
 
What could I do about it?  I was tired of carrying the weight.  Could I take this mountain of a memory involving my father and compress it into a manageable molehill, maybe even make it go away?
 
The answer is yes, as I would eventually discover, but as with so many things, the answers did not arrive in gift-wrapped packages.  I found them in my regular use of Al-Anon tools.  Tools that helped me re-prioritize and put what my Sponsor saw as “accurate labels” on circumstances that had filled me with years of unexplored anger, depression, and resentments as they shaped the person I had become.
 
“People like us to do a lousy job of accurately labeling things, “my Sponsor said.
 
The moment came in the form of a phone call several years after that conversation in the hotel room.  I answered the phone and he did not ask whether I had time to talk, or how I was doing.  He simply started talking.  He stumbled down memory lane, remembering the embarrassment, the anger, and pain he had felt at the age of 11 or 12, more than a half century before, when his mother would send him down the street to the bar where his father was drinking.
 
“She wanted me to persuade him to come home.”  He rambled on, asking rhetorically, “Now how was I supposed to do that?”  Didn’t she know how this tore him up and embarrassed him?
 
I shook my head impatiently and interrupted to say there was something I had to do.   Putting the phone down without waiting for his response, I walked across the room and poured a cup of coffee.  Then I stopped, standing there staring into the distance, because a mind-churning thought had suddenly blossomed!
 
The disease that gripped both my father and I in different ways was leap-frogging across generations.  We had been living parallel lives, drawing our thinking from a polluted pool of instincts that alcoholism had filled in the lives of parents years before either of us had been born.
 
My father had spent years mourning his inability to control the basic dynamics of family life.  Even late in life he felt like a victim without options.
 
What about me?  What I had was an Al-Anon program telling me how to find the truth, if I would only listen and pay attention, as I was struggling to do in that moment.  I could use it to repair my thinking, learning to respect the reality of circumstances I could not change.  My father had done the best he could with what he had.  Whatever he was or had been . . .  well, I couldn’t do anything about it.
 
I stood there, that cup of coffee in my hand, my father waiting for me, feeling as though I had suddenly put my arms around the essence of the First Step and my inability to control attitudes that may have been several generations in the making.
 
I returned to the phone prepared to apologize for my interruption, but my father was still talking as though he did not realize I had walked away.  I sat back to listen, happier than I had ever been to give him some time.
 
Neither of us could undo much, but my use of the Al-Anon tools helped me realize that perhaps with his effort to ask a single question in that hotel room, he might haven making his best effort to cross the bridge that separated father and son.  I was grateful for that possibility.
 
I had come into the Al-Anon program not to help myself, but to do a favor for my wife who had decided to do something about her drinking problem.  What I discovered was the Al-Anon had more for me than I could ever have imagined.
 
 By Phil H., Nevada   January, 2011Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

I recently ended a 10 year relationship with someone who I never used to consider was an alcoholic.

We started dating in high school and she was my only long term relationship. In the beginning I noticed that at parties or events she would get really drunk but never thought a lot about it at first. Over our relationship nights out became something that I began to get anxiety over because I didn't know what would happen - flirting with other men, yelling at me in public, mild physical abuse like twisting my arm or pushing. 5 years into our relationship while she was on a trip she got really drunk and cheated on me, only telling me over a year later. Everything progressed so slowly I lacked the strength to break up with her over it. I forgave her for that just like I forgave her for all the other nights because to me "that wasn't her when she was drinking". I remember so many night lying beside her in bed not able to sleep thinking about when she is sober in the morning we would break up - but when morning came she was herself again and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Outside of her drinking we appeared to be perfect for eachother. Every value, belief, interest we shared. The way I felt when things were good I always thought was irreplaceable and I feared being lonely. I truely did think we could get through rough patches and there was something better waiting on the other side. Even now we are broken up but I do love her still, and we don't share any ill will between eachother.

It took a lot to finally hit the point where we broke up. About 8 months ago I realised the extent of her drinking she was hiding. Weekly alcohol purchases, my liquor bottles slowly dissapearing despite me not drinking much, water bottles that smelled like vodka. I'd ask her about it but I would be gaslit, and it became so normal for her to drink appearantly that no one could tell beyond just a suspicion. Finding that first empty vodka waterbottle in her bag one night when my suspicions were high was finally proof enough to kick off us taking a 3 week break and an ultimatum from me - to control her drinking and to be honest if she was struggling. She admitted she had a problem and agreed she wanted to get things under control.

For ~6 months I thought things were going well. She got a new job she was happy in, no big drunken insidances, and when I asked her if she was struggling with drinking she reassured me that she learned her lesson and would never be able to do that to us again. Despite all that my suspicions never dropped and I was marking my alcohol bottles with a marker. Finally through basically a repeat of last time again there was irrefutable proof of her hidden drinking one night. With my trust so broken we went through her phone together and I discovered that she basically never did stop, with more than weekly alcohol purchases running back to the original break. I finally did end things the next day.

I genuinely still care about her but I can't keep being her care taker. After we broke up and once she accepted it she has started doing everything right. She's living with her family, completely sober. Started AA meetings and therapy, going to the gym daily, saving her money you name it - all the things I've been wishing her to do for us, she is finally doing for her. Its only been a month but I am so happy for her assuming these things are all true (heard mainly through mututal friends and through our last texts). Us breaking up was the impossible thing that finally gave her a perspective shift.

I am battling the idea of that in 1 year, or 5 years, or 10 years we could get back together. The person I love is still there and if she was sober for that long would I accept her back? I've learned since then that alcoholism is something that you deal with for life wether you are sober or not. I remind myself that no matter how good the good times were, the bad times are unacceptable - even once - and I can't risk getting back into a relationship where it could happen again.

Thank you for reading

Sorry, very emotional right now so I’m sorry if this will be a whole mess. Went to my mom’s for xmas today. We had all these plans of cooking and celebrating xmas together…. She told me she would clean the house and all other amazing stuff. She was even supposed to come meet me on my way to her apartment once I got off the bus. But then she called and said she was too tired. And once again I knew what it meant. Well I arrived, the house was still an absolute mess even worse than before. And she was just in bed. And as soon as I sat down she said she wanted to die. To die. Not even a hello.

A lot of talking about getting help and her feelings happened. She wasn’t receptive to going to get help or anything like that. But she just kept on drinking. Acting like it was totally fine.

And then she just threw a ”present” she had really gotten for herself at me and found it so funny. I lost it. I threw mine at hers as well and she was too drunk to even open it. So I had to help her. Again. I just had enough.

I went out on a walk and called my aunt asking what should I do. Basically she told me to leave and take care of myself. I had to make the extremely hard decision to leave her after only a few hours of staying with her. I then talked to my mom and told her about my feelings and why I felt like I had to leave. And even though I made it clear why I was leaving, she still asked me why. Once she heard I called her sister she immediately called her. And my aunt told her to let me leave.

Then mom just begged for my forgiveness and not to abandon her. I could never abandon her because I love her too much but right now I just can’t be around her. Even my aunt and I told her not to drink after I leave. But who knows.

Did I do the right thing by leaving? It hurts like hell and I wanna throw up. Anyways, that’s my christmas ruined. I hope you will have a better one. ❤️‍🩹

Improving myself is the only real action available to me. —Courage to Change p356 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I will not try to make important decisions until I have freed my mind from resentment, self-pity and hopelessness. Then I will be ready. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p356 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I am powerless over my mother’s drinking, but I have choices about what I do for myself. —Living Today in Alateen p356 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Treating myself and others as equals is kinder to all of us. —A Little Time for Myself p356 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Traditions Eight and Twelve remind me not to put barriers between myself and other members. Anonymity breaks down barriers. —Hope for Today p356 ©️2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

For those of you who had to make difficult decisions surrounding having your Q in your life, it WILL get better. I left my emotionally abusive alcoholic partner, and after an arduous year of healing, my primary feeling now is relief. Progress and healing aren’t linear, but you deserve to be as gentle on yourself as you can be.

This group helped so much so also just here to put a huge thank you out into the void. ❤️ pm me if you need anything. You’re never alone

Hi, this is my first Reddit post. I've been dating a beautiful woman for 9 months. We both have kids, live separately, and want to build a life together. About two months ago it became clear she has a drinking problem, she raised it.

We agreed to take a break from alcohol. That lasted less than a week before she was back drinking alone at home. She is trustworthy and loyal but was hiding how much she was drinking alone at home. I confronted her about it after she turned up completely drunk to a dinner at her parents house. Turned out she had been semi-regularly drinking a bottle of wine at home before heading out to lunch.

Given it was Christmas, we decided to try moderation. We battled through a few Christmas parties and I managed to get her to come home early and keep things under control. And we continued to drink together, moderately, with no incident. She has anxiety and some issues from a previous problematic relationship with a significant other whonwas an alcoholic. She had stated therapy and was taking naltrexone to address the alcohol issues.

Today she came to my family Christmas lunch. I has last seen her at 11am and she was sober and happy. But when lunch started at 2 it was clear she had turned up to the event drunk. I asked her if everything was ok and she realised I knew she was drunk.

She got upset, we excused ourselves, spoke about it. She didn't want to tell me how much she had drunk before the lunch. She was ashamed. She told me she has an addiction but is scared to be sober. Sober hurts she said. She's worried I will break up with her. She admits she is in denial about her problem. It's clear moderation hasn't worked and going sober is the only option.

I sent her home. I have been supportive the past two months but I feel she has crossed a line and I now need to give an ultimatum. I love her, but if she can't get serious about recovery I'd rather know now than four weeks from now.

Is that the right path?

Hi, I’m (30, female) new to this community and looking for some perspective. My Q/husband (30) has struggled with binge drinking since college. He tried being sober about two years ago, but eventually started drinking again. At first, it was just for “special occasions,” but over time, it became more frequent—post-work drinks with coworkers and clients, nights out with friends, and other weekly events that turned into justifications for binge drinking. During the holidays, he often places alcoholic gifts (like nice bottles) in such high regard, more than I think someone who doesn’t struggle with alcohol would.

Tonight, after work, he came home clearly tipsy or drunk. He insists he’s not drunk because he’s “functional” and not blacked out. This often makes me doubt myself—am I being too hard on him? Is it “my problem” that I feel triggered? The next day, he typically feels remorse and admits he was drunk, which makes me feel validated—but it more leaves me questioning whether I can trust either his or my own judgment in the moment.

This evening, we had planned an early gift exchange before holiday travel. When I told him I wasn’t comfortable doing it while he was intoxicated, he got upset, provoking arguments with me, and wouldn’t let the conversation end. I tried to give myself space in the house to de-escalate, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept saying I was ruining the night, how much he had looked forward to it, and even said he “can’t be with someone who’s not okay with drinking.” He brought up a laundry list of my faults, things I think he bottles up and only lets out when he’s drunk as a way to say “you’re also the problem, not just me.” I’d be 100% okay to talk about these issues if he felt comfortable sharing them honestly when sober. But when drunk, it just feels hurtful to hear those comments, having to not be reactive to avoid escalation, yet needing to internally process what’s been shared.

When I tried again to get him to leave me alone, he told me I either need to stay and talk with him or leave and get a hotel. Eventually, as he got tired, we decided to sleep separately—but of course, he insisted on taking the bedroom, leaving me on the couch.

I think he’ll be apologetic in the morning (I hope so). It’s just been a while since it’s gotten this bad, and I’m worried he’ll still believe the narrative that we “both” caused the fight. In my gut, I know this conflict is purely caused by his drinking.

I’m not exactly sure what to do. I’ve never been to an AlAnon meeting because I’ve worried my situation doesn’t “qualify.” I’ve considered couples counseling or encouraging him to open up to someone else he trusts. When he’s sober, he’s such a kind man, but I sense he’s still in denial about his alcohol abuse / behavioral issues when drunk. He seems to validate his drinking by comparing himself to others who drink more, which only strengthens his belief that I’m the one being too hard on him

I left my husband in June, moved into a separate place with my 4 year old because things were very bad. My husband was a fun dad when he was lightly buzzed / high - I don't know that he was ever truly sober in the last 2 years - but scary or zombie-like the other 70% of the time.

Still, my daughter misses him. The tricky thing is that, when you catch him in a good mood and at the right time, he makes you feel like a million bucks - so funny, so sweet, so gentle. He talked about her like she was the center of his world. I understand why she misses that person; I miss him too.

He won't take her calls or come to see her anymore. It's been 3 months of no contact with her. Rationally, I know it's for the best and as it should be but my heart is breaking for her and I'm struggling with not resenting him.

This week, she asked to send him a Christmas present and I texted him for an address because I thought it was the kind and right thing to do. I'm not sure about that now, feels like I dropped the rope just to pick it right back up again.

He replied with his work address, explaining that he's there all the time anyways. It broke me something in me because he didn't even ask about her or ask about sending her presents. Like, how can you pour all of this time and effort into your career but nothing into your kid? I didn't realize I was still holding these expectations. I thought I had accepted who he is and how he is but I haven't. It still hurts somehow.

I know through a mutual friend who was working with him that he's progressed to being more obviously and regularly intoxicated at work again and raging at this friend the way he would rage at me. Friend has gone no contact and quit working there. I want to make it that simple for myself too.

There is still a part of me that sees his raging as a cry for help - that news had actually made me reach out to him. I know - yikes. He replied to me asking about his wellbeing but ghosted all messages about our daughter, go figure.

I tell my daughter when she asks that Dad is too sick to see her. I know it really is a sickness but that explanation makes her feel pity for him and she waits for him to get better. I don't think she should wait and I don't think he should be pitied. I pitied him for 7 years. I would give into him when he threatened suicide, take care of him when he made himself sick, clean up his hoarded trash, be his emotional punching bag, make excuses to our friends & family for his behavior - pity slips into enabling before you know it. The ugly part of me wants to tell him that he doesn't deserve her love or her pity or her Christmas present.

I'm going to call into virtual meetings and read from one of my books tomorrow because this sucks. I know I can't handle it on my own. If I don't get a grip on this, I know I'll fall back into being bitter and helpless and nihilistic and self-destructive and obsessively worried.

For anyone else going through this or anything remotely like it this holiday season, my heart is with you!! <3 If anyone has any particular slogans or readings to recommend, please share.

He has been just short of a year sober. Before he finally started that journey it was truly awful, and looking back I cannot believe I put up with it. Generally I manage not to get anxious about relapsing, but there have been a few scenarios where my anxiety peaks.

One of them is unfolding now. He’s gone to a Xmas gathering, but he doesn’t know most people. He still struggles around people who are drinking, particularly when socially as he would typically use alcohol to relax him.

He’s been gone for 7hrs now and the event finished over 4hrs ago. This used to happen multiple times a week. He would “pop” out and then return 8-12hrs later off his face.

It’s after 9pm. How can I believe he just been sober chatting to people he doesn’t know for over 7hrs with no alcohol. I’m not coping well.

Another vent from me. My Q came to my work Xmas party with me today and i wish he didn’t. The booze was free and when asked if he would like one, he said yes. And then another. He has recently lost his license for DUI. I didn’t react at the party,I acted like everything was totally normal, i enjoyed the time with my colleagues. Now that we are home and i am processing. I am so angry and disappointed. He clearly has no respect of my boundaries? It’s just….. such a slap in the face? I truly feel like he doesn’t want to live a clean and sober life. I feel like he’s doing it as a way or pleasing me and keeping me happy. Rehab at the beginning of the yr that cost a fortune and has clearly not worked with averaging a relapse once a month. That’s not really being in recovery is it? I feel like me not reacting or calling this out is letting him off the hook. He’s getting away Scott free and getting no ramifications at all of his choices. The love i have is turning to resentment. The disappointment is never ending.

I have become the target. Everything about his depression and drinking is being blamed on me.

I complain about life too much, don’t give him space. It’s like he’s forgotten everything I’ve done! He cheated on me twice this year and I’m the fucking bad guy?

Maybe I am though, I have anxious attachment and try to please and it pushes him away. Today I went to ask if he was coming to bed and was told I’m possessive and he needs space to reset and sleep alone.

To those of you with an alcoholic family member or an alcoholic friend or acquaintance who got divorced because of this disease, or perhaps your own ex-spouse.

Does anyone know someone who took divorce as a true wake-up call and life lesson, managed to turn their life around, and stayed sober for an extended period, something that wouldn’t have happened if they had stayed in the relationship?

If that's not really the case, then how is that person currently doing?

Something that has been really helping me focus on myself (might sound really dumb) but I made a Pinterest board for 2025. I just went through and clicked things I liked and now looking at this visual board I see a beautiful representation of what I would like my life to reflect. It is the real world so darkness always finds a way to rear its ugly head but having an actual visual of what life can be is motivating me in a real way. Take care of yourselves

My son is 19 and drank for about 10 months before turning and realizing he had a issue with alcohol. He lives with us and we got rid of the alcohol . Any that he had and anything that we had on the house. So we are currently a dry house ! Which isn't the worst thing !

The concern is my partner and I do enjoy a beer here and there. We are occasional drinkers and generally have anywehre from 1 to 3 beers .

Not in a rush to get alcohol back in my house. I don't have an issue supporting him by not having alcohol in the house. But odd beer would be nice later down the road ! However I don't want to be the one that could cause him a relapse ! Thos is something he will need to work on and I can't shield him forever !

So wondering if anyone has some words of wisdom ? Anything they have done of in a situation like we currently are.

It's been two months now ! Not in a rush to get back , but he will be around it at some point.

I’m 39 years old. I was a pill and then hard-core heroin addict for about eight years in my late 20s. It took me getting arrested to change my life around. Well when I got arrested for stealing some kayaks from a close out rental place over the winter And I got caught, it was the first time I ever got in trouble so I only had to do one year probation. And I was allowed to drink and go out with my friends and basically or anything I wanted except drugs. But guess what even though I had medicine to help me not want the drugs I still did the drugs thinking I would get away Like I always had or honestly not caring because I wanted it so bad. Well of course I got in trouble and got caught and was sent to county jail. After four months, I had a court date and they had given me a choice between going to prison or being released on drug court, which is an extensive five year probation involving all kinds of counseling, treatment centers, and meetings for narcotics anonymous. I had two more months to think about it. But I had already decided. I was literally sleeping on a cement floor under somebody else’s bed. With three guys in the room, the size of my bathroom locked and my head a foot and a half away from a toilet where people would go to the bathroom as I’m sleeping right next to it. It was disgusting, but that’s not what changed my mind. It was the time to think and how good I actually felt after a month or two. So I chose probation. I did 4 1/2 years of nonstop self improvement. After six months in jail, I did six months in rehab, and six months in a halfway house, which is basically rehab, but I could leave and get a job, then was forced to live in a sober living house, which is just 10 guys that are trying to stay clean with no staff or supervision or anything. We all looked out for each other and it was amazing experience. finally after those years and coming home after three months, I drank for the first time one night with a girl. And somebody told on me and I was immediately sent back to jail for what I thought would be a weak punishment which was the normal. Unfortunately, after a month of being there, I found out that I was going back to a halfway house for another six months, three hours away from my mother with cancer. I made the mistake of drinking that one time thinking I could get away with it. I still had that behavior. So I started my life over from South New Jersey all the way up as far as I could in North New Jersey. I had a cell phone a box of clothes and a $500.86 Buick I just bought. I went in two years. I had the nicest house I have ever lived in in my life and I was so proud of it. I saved up $8000 to buy a truck which was the first car I had ever picked out instead of just buying the first one that was cheap and appliable no matter how ugly it was. I searched for a month and picked out this truck specifically and saved up eight grand I have never had more than six or $700 or a big paycheck for $1000 in my entire life and it definitely never lasted more than a day or two. well, then I met my girlfriend. Well actually my wife now. She was an alcoholic drinking a big bottle of wine every night and I felt so bad for her because she would just cry and cry because she lost her father and her brother to Covid shortly before so I said she needs to grieve and it’s OK. but then there was physical violence and I let it go. The cops came so many times that my landlord paid me $1000 to move out of that house, which was the most important thing to me at that point and my biggest accomplishment and a symbol of what and how much work I have done to myself to improve. So we got a new house. Only five days living there we got into an argument and slammed my foot on the coffee table. that made it OK for her to throw a giant porcelain statue at my head and put a hole in the wall and then physically attack me and I allowed her to punch me about 20 times in the face. I ended up calling the cops on her that night and she got arrested. Her whole family, knowing how she is and her family is absolutely amazing to me and great people. Well, they came with about 20 people and cleaned all her stuff out a week later. she tried to go behind my back to the landlord and get herself off the lease and fuck me over for 2300 a month. And the landlord actually tried to do it because they didn’t know the law that it was a legally contract and since we were both on it, I had to agree to it and I told her no. She eventually came back and we worked on things. I ended up proposing. Drinking up more or at least continued. And it’s not so much to drinking it’s who she becomes when she gets too drunk, which is a completely violent aggressive person and it’s scary. I told her she had a good rehab or I wouldn’t marry her, which was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done because you can’t make somebody go to rehab if they don’t want to go. But she went for 30 days and came out like a little scared baby bird and she was amazing for a month and a half. The funny thing is we tried to get pregnant for about eight months and we were only intimate two times when she came home from rehab and got pregnant. So clearly it was the alcohol. oh, by the way we were pregnant about a year before and when she was a full-blown alcoholic. And managed to convince me that her going through withdrawal would be really bad for the baby. So I drove to the liquor store in tears every single night to buy her a bottle of wine and would only give her a certain amount. I literally bought my pregnant wife alcohol, and I will never forgive myself because we lost the baby. It got stuck in her tube and she had to have it removed. Well, after we got married and she went a year without drinking because she got lucky enough to get pregnant right after rehab that she didn’t have to do any work to stop drinking. She started drinking again after the wedding. That was a little over two years ago. And it has never stopped since. She drinks every two or three days and every time I see her drink I am so hurt because of the things that she has done when she gets too drunk or awful. I mean, literally hundreds of events where every single one just one would ruin a relationship. But I have stood by her and forgive her for everything. I’ve been a very great and supportive husband and an even better father. I have fully raised my 2 1/2-year-old son by myself while she sat there on the couch, drinking her wine. She’s gone now and she has my boy and her mother‘s basement and she does not give a fuck about that kid. He only interacts with me and he only listens to me. She cannot change him, feed him, or put him in the bed without crying, but if I say one word, he immediately walks to the room, happy as can be, and put himself on the changing table. I had to be a stern father to teach him some roles, but I do it in a proper way so that he learns, and he absolutely adores me. At one point, she was so black out, drunk, singing karaoke I saw this old guy talk to her, and then he followed her to her seat, which was right next to me at the bar. And they were talking I could not hear them over the music, but I thought it was kind of funny to tease her the next day about flirting with this older, weird guy so I videotaped it to mess with her the next day. All in good fun. He left and I thought I heard the word bathroom, but didn’t understand anything. Then she bought me a beer and a shot without ordering herself a drink which has never ever happened and never happened again. But I already had half a whiskey sour enough of a drink that I thought it was weird for her to order me more. Then she said she was going to the bathroom and that was weird, but then she turned around and told me Hey babe just relax and enjoy your drink. Don’t worry just chill out and enjoy it. It was at that point that it all hit me like a ton of bricks that she told that guy something about the bathroom and now she’s going to the bathroom and being weird trying to keep me in my seat. Well, I walked back there and saw her against the wall and him kissing her and her basically so drunk she was standing still And like an idiot I videotaped it for a second before I ran up and throw this 250 pound dude across 20 feet of tables and wrestled four bouncers 60 feet across the bar. It wasn’t until a few days later when I looked at the videos that when I caught her back there with him, she was rubbing him down there. And I watched that video 1000 times in pain. And all of a sudden it hit me what about the other video? And I looked at the video where she was sitting right next to me And I saw it. I saw her hand in a place no wife’s hands should be. And we were newlyweds. I never thought she was like that and she really is not like that but she was too drunk. I don’t have a problem with her having alcohol, but the issue is that she gets too drunk And turns into a different person when she’s drunk, which is violent and aggressive and malicious. And also that she drinks often. So one of those things need to change either not drink so often, not get so drunk, or figure out why you turn into the person you turn into when you’re super drunk. It’s been 2 1/2 years married, and she has never acknowledged. Alcohol has been an issue in our relationship. Well after numerous physical attacks that cheating thing six hour arguments to 5 AM about anything that pops in her ADD head. I finally told her that I had absolutely enough. A month ago she punched me again in the face And when I defended myself, she called the police on me except she got arrested lol. She was supposed to get out in two hours and had to stay 24 hours because she was pissing the police off. The judge issued her no contact with me for three weeks until court. Well, like a good husband I went down to the courthouse and made sure it was lifted as soon as possible, which was about five days. So her and my son can come home from her mothers damp stinky basement we had made plans to work on things during that time. Just small baby steps. One thing was that when we get into heated arguments that we both have to agree to allow either one of us to take a cool off. So it doesn’t escalate. She also was not supposed to drink until the baby went to bed which never happened. But after three good days home, we had our first heated argument And I stopped and said this is getting out of control and I don’t even know why we’re arguing actually so I’m gonna take a cool off. Period in the bedroom. She immediately ordered an Uber to go to a bar out of anger. And she had never done that in my entire knowing her. It was so hurtful for her to do that for the first time after coming back and working on things, and especially since it had to do with alcohol, made it 100 times worse. And knowing that she does things when she’s super drunk that she doesn’t do normally or even after just a couple drinks and that she often doesn’t remember things. I sat here for three hours scared out of my mind because if I saw her at a bar and I was single, I would be all over that because she’s a beautiful woman sitting at a bar by herself on a Tuesday night. She came home trashed. I told her the next morning how absolutely painful that was for me and I could not believe that she would do that for the first time. I forgave her kept trying to move forward, but she did it again two days later. What kind of wife would do that to someone who has been nothing but supportive and forgiving, and know that it hurts me so bad. Well, a couple days later I reached my end because we both had lost our jobs and we’re home alone for a month with the baby having to have them taken out of daycare. It made it very, very stressful looking for jobs both of us and not being successful and then dealing with the baby. But I love my son and I spend all day with him she ignores him. Well, I gave her an ultimatum basically even though I didn’t really see it that way at the time, but it was. I just told her that I had reached my limit. I have no more credit on my card of mercy and forgiveness. I just cannot live like this anymore and you’re drinking is absolutely ruining our marriage and our family. And I broke down and cried for 45 minutes, begging her to realize something. And she had the nerve to tell me that it was 1 AM and somehow it’s too late for me to have this conversation. Even though she doesn’t have a job and she was at the bar the night before until 245 lol. So I told her OK go get yourself some rest and think about it and hopefully you’ll have something to say it to me tomorrow because I want to say more tomorrow night but I don’t think there’s any point I think you already know how I feel and what I want to say so I will wait for you to respond somewhat. Well, the next day she had absolutely nothing to say And I’ll be honest I kind of ignored her for most of the day which is a shitty thing to do as a husband, but I didn’t know how to feel if I was upset, depressed angry I knew our marriage was almost over. I gave her no ammunition to fight with me that day. But when I wanted to go to ShopRite for gas coming over, she asked me to go to the liquor store and I said no I’m not contributing to it anymore especially after the talk we had the night prior. We got New an argument in front of the baby and he cried, and after about 10 seconds I picked him up and briefly swiftly walked out of the room and he stopped crying immediately and hugged me so hard because he scared of her. Well, the next day she decides to move out and take my son with her. She blames it on me arguing in front of our son, even though she has done it so so many times I can’t even count. And then she switches and blames it on me not showing her enough affection. But how could I? Every single other day she drank and was not herself. I was not looking for a long distance part-time relationship. Because my wife was not here every other day. And I felt like a prisoner in my own house. Because of how aggressive she gets, I literally have to hang out with her and pretend Everything is cool and laugh at her jokes and do anything she ask because God forbid I cross her in any tiny little way. It will be a five hour argument that I cannot stop because there is no reasoning with her. Or I can go hide in my room which also makes me a prisoner because I told her I don’t wanna be around her when she drinks and she said it was OK when she was sober of course but not anymore when she’s drunk. Or I can just drink with her myself and that way I don’t care. But either way every two days I cannot be my own self in a house I bust my ass for. And now she doesn’t wanna come back and she doesn’t even have a good reason. We had a plan when she left that we are both going to go to therapy and maybe in a month to come back and as long as we learn how to communicate then we can work on everything else together. But she doesn’t want to change drinking and she won’t admit it but it’s just so fucking clear. it’s unbelievable. And she can honestly say that she has not seen the effect. Alcohol has had on her family and our relationship from the beginning then she is mentally challenged. Alcohol is her coping mechanism for trauma. She’s been through, which is fine but if you don’t see the things that you’ve done to a loving husband that you would never do sober. It’s unbelievable to not change something that I’ve been begging for for two years. Just do it for a week even just approve me Wrong Anything, but nothing. And I am such a fool for thinking marriage was something serious because I told her I would never get married and I would never get divorced without being positive. But when we got pregnant, I knew I was OK spending the rest of my life with her and so we got married and I take it very very seriously. And she’s been separated for me for two weeks. I’ve been so supportive even trying to help her find new jobs new cars, a new place to live. I have literally been helping my wife leave me even though I want her back more than anything and that’s fucking love because I want her to be happy. Also, at the same time I’m not sure that she would actually do it. I think she’s trying to gain more control over me to allow her drinking because she refuses to acknowledge it or Address it. Well, last night I wrote her a long email as a last ditch effort over the last two weeks and unfortunately, I had the list quite a bit of things that she’s done and I could only list the things that she remembers and have talked about even though there’s so many more and so many worse. It was the hardest email I ever wrote in my life, and I had to do it because I could never say that to her in person. I knew it would hurt her. But I have tried everything And my last thing I could do was tough love and show her all the things that she’s done and explain how it has turned me into the person I am today. And she just took it as a full-blown attack and now her whole family thinks I’m a maniac and I’m crazy and I’m a schizophrenia And that I’m a liar. But her family knows nothing. And they’re too scared to stand up to her. The worst part is I still want her back because when she’s sober, she’s an amazing wife and does so much for me. But every time I see her poor a glass of wine I get angry at her because I take it as a sign of disrespect that she’s willing to take that chance every other night, knowing that the wine has caused every major issue in our relationship and everything that has hurt me badly she still chooses to do it and she chooses wine over this family and after I told her that it’s going to be over if she doesn’t stop, she still kept doing it. I feel so bad about the email, but I thought it would make her realize but of course I should’ve known better. I love this woman more than life itself, but I love my son more and the only thing I love more is my family. I’m 39 years old and after wasting half of my life, I realize that family is the most important thing to me and I had a good one when she wasn’t drinking. I had a great one. We had a great house and she left When I was unemployed with our rent being 2300 a month plus bills so she paid for December and basically gave me 2 1/2 weeks to come up with her half of the rent for January so I sold as much of my personal tools as I could Luckily started working today making cash on top of my little bit of unemployment so thank God for that and I told her that I’m going to bust my ass and working 80 hours a week so I can keep this house for the day that she might realize she wants to come home and work on things. And I’m doing that for myself so that I can look back in two years and not have to think that I could’ve worked a little harder, or I could’ve done a little more, or I could’ve been a little more patient. She is already fully committed to saying she doesn’t wanna work on things. And I literally just cannot wrap my head around somebody giving up on a marriage when she literally told me in person a few days ago that she loves me and she’s still in love with me, but she’s willing to start a whole new life and being a single mother at 40 instead of stopping drinking. I can never understand that but I guess I can because I used to be a heroin addict and I would’ve done anything I stole from my own mother so why wouldn’t she leave her husband? But the one thing I do know is that if I was doing something every other day that hurt her and she has been bringing it up every day for two years? I would 100% at least attempt to change. She cannot take accountability and she cannot emphasize with any of my feelings and it’s so painful that she is so lost and all I wanna do is help her but I can if she doesn’t want to help. And to now I lost my wife, I lost my son who is my whole world I’m very close to losing this house that has been on our family home since we got married and had a baby, I’m filing bankruptcy, losing at least one of my vehicles if not both. I suffer all the consequences. When she hit me went to jail and took the baby to her mother‘s. I was unemployed, so the baby could’ve stayed with me, but she automatically gets our boy even though she doesn’t give a shit about him I suffered. I even had to give her my car so she could bring him to daycare. I am I am the one that suffered, but yet I still love her for who she is as a regular person. But now I’m starting to realize that even as a regular person, she cannot admit her wrong doings so maybe she’s not who I thought she was. And it’s so hard to move on because almost all of her stuff is still in this house, I have not slept in the bed a single time since she left. I’m punished myself by sleeping on the couch every night alone. I cannot move because I can’t save up enough money for a new apartment down payment. I cannot afford the rent on a big three bedroom house for a family. I am trapped and she doesn’t care because caring would meet admitting what she’s done wrong and admitting she has an alcohol problem. It’s the worst thing to watch somebody slowly self sabotage the best thing in their life and I’m not trying to say I’m a perfect husband because I’ve ignored her for a whole day When I’m so upset and that’s something the husband never should do. I should’ve been man enough to just suck it up and give her some attention even though I was hurt. But I did not start this fire. She started the fire a long time ago and blames me for adding fuel to it so that she would drink more And she self sabotage everything. It’s the most painful thing but after almost 2 weeks alone, I can actually do my hobbies again that I couldn’t do with her. I can actually work in my garage for more than a half hour without a text, but the baby is crying because he doesn’t like being alone with her. I’m about to go to a bar tonight for the first time in four years without having to worry about how drunk she’s gonna get. Oh, did I mention that one night we got kicked out of the bar because she was too drunk and we had the baby with us playing pool and driving home. She wanted to go back and fight the bouncer a grown man lol my wife is 4 foot nine. And when I said no, she grabbed the steering wheel and I flipped out and I threw her drink out the window that she got to go. She immediately started punching me in the face as I was driving with our baby son in the backseat. That’s just one thing she’s done and I forgave her because I’ve learned to stop focusing on specific things and just see alcohol as one big issue all the things she’s done when she’s too drunk? I can’t think about them specifically anymore because there’s too many. It’s just one big issue that has been a cloud over our relationship since we met. And I’m honestly not even sure what to do. I want to wait for her for as long as I can Hoping that she’ll realize or maybe her family will help her realize but I honestly just don’t think she’s capable and I hate to not have faith in my wife, but after the pattern that I’ve seen any scientist would say that data speaks volumes and I can predict everything she does and everything she’s gonna do because she’s just a walking Robot Waiting for the next time to drink. I’m hopeless and I’m a really great guy and I’m a romantic and I’m sensitive and I’m extremely emotionally intelligent and I’m in touch with my emotions and I expressed my feelings but apparently I’m too complex for her because she cannot talk about how she feels. I bust my ass for my Family. I don’t do drugs I hardly ever drink. I have given her my entire heart mind and soul and she still has it unfortunately. I am still working as much as I can doing DoorDash and side jobs and just got a regular job so that I can pay so so much for an apartment I can’t afford so that one day she can come home even though I don’t think she is and she said she’s not. How do I know what to do because the second I move out, she’s gonna say that she was gonna come home just to fucking have power over me. It’s so sad and I feel so bad for her, but I feel even worse for myself and I’m angry at myself for letting it get this far thinking that she would realize after enough things the damage that she is doing. I messed up really bad and wasted over four years in my life and now there’s a little boy who was going to be living with divorced parents just like I did growing up. And the worst thing I remember is that every holiday I had to choose if I wanted to go with my dad to his family or with my mom to her family. Because I lived with my mom I went with her and I had always felt that I was hurting my dad‘s feeling so bad every holiday. I’ll never forget that and that’s my son is literally repeating my childhood, but my parents were at least kind of friends they spoke nicely to each other and I have a feeling that that’s not going to last very long between us, especially after the letter I wrote. I don’t even know if I want advice because everybody I’ve always asked her told me to leave her immediately after just telling one of our two of the things she’s done. But when you’re really in love, you’ll do anything and probably put up with anything, but maybe I’m just in love with the idea of her because when she’s sober, she is perfect for me beyond words. But if she’s not willing to say sober more than half of the time then how can I have my wife? How can I not be comfortable in my own home? This is the biggest decision I have to make to move on or to cling onto a little bit of hope that she’ll realize what she’s losing. Because as much as I don’t wanna say it, I have a great shot at getting a very good woman. I’m good looking I make a ton of money in my profession that’s only seasonal. I’ve had my own business. I have a big big beautiful house and two vehicles. I’m funny. I’m extremely intelligent. I’m charming And I’m a goofball and I can talk with the janitor at a restaurant with a little bit of Spanish, or I could sit at a table of hedgehog managers and keep up and not look stupid. I am well-versed and literally everything because all I do is read and I am such a good guy the way my mother raised me so I will be OK. I can’t imagine her finding a very good man in her condition And the way that she has let herself go physically and mentally on top of the fact that she’s back to living with her mother with no car, no job and a little boy that she doesn’t give a shit about. And it’s sad to say that about her, but I still love her. I don’t care how she looks, but other people will. The fact that I was letting her and helping her get a new apartment to leave me that’s real love because if that’s what she really really wanted I want her to be happy. But I know that’s not what she really wanted. She wanted to be back with me but not stop drinking and you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I can’t stand for it anymore. I know what I deserve. Because I know what I can offer which is a hell of a lot to any woman, so I deserve more than the bare minimum. So I don’t know how to fall out of love with her. I really wish she would make me hate her. I don’t know if she could. I read a quote last week. It says a man’s loyalty commitment is tested when he has everything, but a woman’s loyalty has tested when that man has nothing. Well after almost a month out of work and stressing out all day on the computer about not getting a job and having bill collectors call , I gave her an ultimatum and then the next day she found one reason about me having an argument as an excuse to end this marriage, what acac coincidence it was the day after I said she has to stop drinking. I think that’s a little strange and she doesn’t even realize or she just believes her own lies or is so stubborn and thickheaded and selfish. The worst part is is that I had a feeling this would happen for a long time. And the worst thing I feel bad about is that For a long time, even though I was loving her and supporting her as hard as I could, we had a son that I loved even more and unfortunately, I had to videotape her at some of her worst moments as an insurance policy because I have no family and she has a huge family that will help her with the baby. And I knew that one day if we broke up, it would get bad and she would be vindictive and malicious like she always has and now I have proof if I want full custody, which I should have of the things that she’s done. She left the baby alone one day when I was at work and went out drunk, driving to get more liquor and she didn’t even make it three houses away before crossing lanes and heading a parked car. If she made it two blocks to the main road, I would’ve come home to no car no wife and a baby in the bed. So if I want full custody, I think this is one of the times that a father will get it. I do not want to keep him away from her mother his mother. Right now she is at her mother’s house with her God, her sister who is my son‘s godmother and they are all amazing people so I am comfortable, but when she gets her own house, I am terrified. Because with nobody there to stop her from drinking overboard, I don’t know what she’s capable of. And if she’s so easily physically violent with me, who’s to say that she won’t be violent with my son because he test her temper very badly and if she’s alone, she does not know how to handle it. She will literally yell at him to calm down, saying the words calm down and the meanest loudest voice she just doesn’t understand a two-year-old‘s brain. I really hope it doesn’t come to me ever showing the videos to anybody. I’m scared to even look at them. But if she ever tries to keep me from my son, I will show her one or two and tell her that I have many more and if she wants to go to court, I will gladly go to court for my son, but I continue to tell her that I am keeping this house in case she ever wants to come home and work on things, but she needs to get help first. We are both starting therapy this week, but as of now we are not going to work on things according to her I’m at a complete loss. I’ve lost myself. I’m only starting to feel a little better about being able to do things I couldn’t do before. I’m going to the gym, I’m reading books constantly. I’m researching constantly about roles. I may have played and my reactions to my emotions. I am working so so hard and I feel great about the things. I’ve accomplished only in two weeks, but yet my family is gone so nothing matters because that hole is there and nothing can fill it, but I will work my ass off to be a better man and to be happy with whatever life throws at me because honestly Everything that has ever happened to me is my fault. And as long as I take accountability for absolutely everything then I cannot have any anger anymore. I can only be upset at myself and work to improve the situation. If I continue to blame her, I will have anger and resentment, and I don’t wanna live with that so I am actually going to take blame for everything which I told her so that it is all on me to fix And if she doesn’t do her half it’s not going to be fixed. Anyway, if anybody actually read this whole thing God bless you honestly God bless you for somebody hearing my story because I can’t tell a single soul. I love you all and I wish you all the best for what you’re dealing with and I know some have it worse Especially as a man with a 4 foot nine wife people probably think I’m crazy but she has emotionally abuse me that I feel like I have PTSD and I still fucking love the girl I guess maybe I am the crazy one. I’m literally thinking it’s more and more possible every day. I’ve never really had mental issues like codependency or anything like that but I might have that syndrome where people fall in love with their kidnappers lol well anyway, thank you everybody and good luck feel free to comment. I hope it’s not negative but if it is, I’m open to listening if it’s a valid point

This week, I Zoomed in to an Al-Anon meeting for the first time.

I’m gay and my Q is my same-sex partner, so I chose an LGBTQ+ Zoom meeting from a search on Al-Anon.org. I felt comfortable with the group and it was a positive experience, but it seemed like everyone else there was from the same place in California.

Was this likely just a virtual meeting for an in-person group somewhere in California? Or, maybe as a different question, is it weird for people from far away to join in on virtual Al-Anon meetings?

Lately my Q has shifted from buying the 750ml bottles of rum to the large handles of 1.75 liters

He goes through maybe 3 of these handles a week. Just doing the math and figured that is 5.25 liters EVERY WEEK. Tbh some weeks it may even be close to 4 handles

Literally destroying his body from the inside out. But you wouldn't know it because on the outside he looks healthy

My boyfriend (31m) and i (25f) moved in together in october.

His drinking was mostly under control, and when he did drink we would argue, mostly the next day over him lying to me, but nothing crazy and it was always resolved. He goes for very long periods with no drinking, and he didn't drink in excess from September until this month. I came home for a couple weeks to visit family and he has been drinking a lot and calling me. He instantly becomes aggressive, which he never was before.

We have been getting into terrible fights that never resolve. He says cruel things and doesn't realize how bad it was the next day like he used to. We had a terrible fight last night over a small comment i made in passing, and he yelled at me for hours. I can't do this anymore, but the problem is i live with him now.

We have been texting today. Initially he pretended nothing happened, and when i didnt reply, he apologized for last night but phrased it in a "i deserved it" kind of way. I said a small piece about how i wont tolerate him treating me that way, and he replied saying that am not blameless. Do i try again to explain my side or just go no contact until he realizes? breaking up at this moment isnt an option as he is coming to stay with my family for christmas and we live together.

tldr; boyfriend has a drinking problem, gets aggressive and picks fights with me. what do i do?

I am at my wits end. I guess this is mainly me venting but if anyone has insight, I would be grateful. My dad (79) has always been a drinker but has been drinking excessively for the past year. My mom died 6 months ago which made the situation worse. He has been in the hospital 3 times this year because of his drinking. I can’t get him to agree to assisted living or a board and care facility. He is beyond stubborn and only wants to go home. He has trouble walking and lives in a 2 story home so it’s a very bad idea even if he wasn’t drinking.

He is in the hospital now with no where to go but home. There are no rehabilitation facilities willing to take him. The case manager says he shouldn’t be living alone and keeps telling me to talk to him about assisted living. As if I haven’t spent the last year doing so and taking him to tour various facilities.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried hiring home health care workers but he just wants them to clean up and leave after an hour or two. He hides alcohol in the house and if I find it and take it, he will drive to get more and I really don’t want him driving.

I don’t want to walk away from the situation but the stress is really getting to me and affecting my health. I live 3 hours away and work full time but drive to see him at least once a week. I was exhausted a year ago. I don’t even know what to call how I feel now.

I (25f) feel like the last year of my life has been a blur of anxiety and fear. My Q (26m) either cannot or will not get better, and I can’t watch him kill himself anymore.

Last night I had to pick him up from a restaurant bar he had passed out at, the employees got my number from his phone. They had to carry him to my car. This morning we made it very clear that we were pinning the conversation for later this evening, as we both had to work today, but he knew I was absolutely not ok with what happened last night.

An hour ago he came into my place of work drunk (we both work retail, in shopping complexes that are literally 500 feet from each other). It was very obvious from the jump, and even still he tried to lie to me about it until I asked him to pull up his transaction history. He whipped his phone out, so excited to prove me wrong.

Once he realized he couldn’t delete the charge from his history he came clean. This is a man who spent the first four years of our relationship preaching honesty and trust above all, and over the last year I’ve caught him in more lies than I have in the previous 4 years we’ve been together combined. It feels like he’s lied to me about every conceivable topic. I’ve loved this man for 5 years, more than I have ever loved any person, and this time last year I genuinely couldn’t imagine a life without him. I’ve realized that staying with him is causing me more emotional pain than leaving him would, and I can’t sit with that and be OK with it. It would also somehow be cheaper.

I guess I just wanted to get this somewhere. I don’t know my next moves, he has a better support system than I do in the city we live in, but I don’t think I can be with him anymore. I will probably love him at least a little until the day that I die, but I cannot be with him. I want him to get better, but I can’t sit around waiting for him to want to get better too. I’m going to our leasing manager tomorrow to talk terms of breaking our lease. I’m so beyond tired