I left my ex fiancé 1 month ago. It was 1 month on the dot i discovered he was a cheating, lying manipulator and so i packed my things, left the ring and never looked back.

I’ve been feeling ok for the most part since, I’ve definitely had some rough times but mostly ok. Now it almost feels like it’s getting harder. I’m feeling extremely isolated and lonely. I had just moved to a new city a couple months prior to meeting him and I made some friends but nothing super strong where I feel like I belong. Not to mention I lost my job the same day I broke up with him so the stress of searching also sucks. Fortunately i still had my own apartment and I’m financially strong enough to weather this. But the weight of feeling lonely plus my life blowing up in one day feels terrible sometimes, especially at night and in the mornings when i wake up and go to bed alone.

Ranting and looking for support here as sometimes I’m feeling angry his addiction blocked me from having a stable life after trying so hard to build something but if anything everything is in shambles. I’m 31F really was looking forward and grateful for some stability and starting a family. Looking for hope/ words of encouragement/ wisdom/ anything

Frequent lurker, first time posting on mobile. So my Q did outpatient rehab and has been going to AA. I don’t think he’s drinking, but I’ve been suspicious of hearing deep inhaling from the each nostril in the early hours when he’s outside. I asked him if anything was going on and he said no and said he’d do a drug test if I wanted. I said that he takes prescriptions so he’d probably fail since he was testing positive for PCP due to his current prescription meds. We stayed quietly in bed for a minute before he got upset and went to sleep elsewhere. Should I just have not said anything?

(Context I am 23 he is 28)

So to start I was the depressed alcoholic to start. So this paints a weird situation. before we dated I had quit drinking for 3 years (from when I was 18) for someone else who asked me to stop drinking. I did that just fine as I loved this person and wanted them to feel safe.

I have a lot of childhood trauma from my alcoholic parents. But either way I decided to drink again when I started with my fiancé who drank all the time. My fault, I know. But he had a completely normal upbringing so I figured every relationship he had with something was healthy, because all bad things come from trauma right? Wrong. I worked through my depression with therapy and self discipline in the past year, which also ended up with me quitting alcohol.

Since I’m the one with trauma I always was the “problem” in the relationship and I believed it to be true. So like I said, I changed and improved my mental health. I am very proud of my progress. But since I cannot have a healthy relationship with alcohol I decided to quit drinking. I kind of figured since my fiance is a ‘healthy’ person our life would kind of adjust. It didn’t.

Now I realize since I’ve taken the blame so much, and its no longer my turn, I’ve become aware that he has 0 ability to take any accountability. He says sorry and immediately takes it back which obviously diminishes trust. And when I mention anything about drinking he screams and blows up at me, which he’s never done with anything else. I’d expect this reaction from him if someone hit me.

He said if he had known he wouldn’t be able to drink one day the first night we met he wouldn’t of been with me. Which makes me so sad because I remember the overwhelming warmth I had for him as a person. I would never say I would not be with him. It broke my heart.

I’m not asking him to fully quit drinking but maybe I technically am. His thing is he doesn’t want to feel guilty about drinking because he doesn’t have a problem, I’m the only one with a problem. He also emphasizes how he’s never changed throughout the relationship, I’m always the one bringing up issues and trying to work on things. He takes a completely passive position and if I never open my mouth nothing would be bad.

My problem is I’m very keenly aware when he drinks. He’s way more rough around the edges and aggressive, so even if he’s not doing anything technically bad, I’m in a walking on eggshells mode like I was with my parents when I was a child. It reminds me of horrible trauma.

So I’m wondering, it hasn’t been too terribly long, there’s no kids or marriage. Should I just walk out now? It seems he wants to leave me but wants the ball to be in my court because he’s so terrified of being the bad guy. I have more life experience so I’m not in fear of accountability, my only fear is throwing something out worth saving. We have so many beautiful memories, and he doesn’t realize how much our dreams for the future align if he’d just put a little less emphasis on alcohol. For the record, he doesn’t think he has any sort of addiction. But I had an addiction at 18 and still gave it up for someone. Which can only make me think he just doesn’t love me enough. Or love me as much as I thought.

My heart is shattered, please send me guidance.

Tonight my Q and I were talking about how when we hangout with our mutual friend, they just enable each other to drink more and he was talking about ways to avoid certain binge drinking situations (like not letting our friend sleep over in the guest room anymore because then they both wake up and start drinking in the morning but my Q doesn’t drink when he wakes up when it’s just us).

Because my Q was expressing a desire to change, I then took that as an opportunity to express some feelings (but maybe shouldn’t have. I’m just so sick of not being able to express how I feel). I mentioned that he never drinks in the morning unless certain other people are around, like when we visit his family (his parents are both alcoholics). I told him that i can see that it’s a part of the culture of his family to do that, but that it gives me a lot anxiety to be around his family sometimes and gave the example of how when we last visited, his dad picked us up from the airport at 11am and took us immediately to the liquor store, which made me really anxious and uncomfortable because I thought we were going to lunch. Nope. No food, just booze.

We’ve been together 7 years and are talking about getting married and I’ve never expressed to him that his family’s alcoholism makes me super anxious. He became furious at me and screamed at me calling me a heartless asshole. I just wanted him to understand that it’s a tough situation for me sometimes (I know his addiction is tough for him). He said I don’t understand how to talk about addiction and that I'm just an ignorant asshole and it’s a disease that his whole family has and they can’t help it and I should talk about it as if they have cancer. I do understand that it’s a disease but does that mean I cannot express that it makes me anxious? I have had people close to me in my life who had cancer. It wasn’t like this. They didn’t make me anxious because they didn't ask me to drink with them instead of eat lunch. It’s different.

I’m trying to find a better way to understand this and how to talk about it. But I also I’m tired of feeling that I can’t say how I feel. Am I a fucking asshole?? What am I missing?

Is using a couple or few shots of alcohol at night to be able to sleep considered alcoholic? During the day they don't drink besides 1 drink here or ther at restaurants/events.

Previous spouse was an alcoholic. And I just found out my current partner has been using alcohol to go to sleep. I thought it was on occasion but he just said it's been going on for a while.

He's working on getting help. I didn't ask questions. But I am afraid there is more....

My Q is my husband. We have 2 young children together. He is a chronic pot smoker (heavy daily use all day long but functions / runs a business like this) a 3-4 day a week drinker (not super heavy but binges occasionally) and an occasional cocaine user (around every 3-4 months he has a cocaine bender of about 3 days.) The biggest issue I've had is the cocaine because he lies and hides it and is very difficult to be around / is extremely irritable when he's coming off it. The pot use is also becoming concerning because I think it keeps him from dealing with his underlying issues. I have had a hard time setting boundaries because he breaks them or gets mad at me / says I'm controlling. How do you all set boundaries and keep them? It's not realistic for me to leave him at this current moment. The kids are safe and doing great and don't seem to notice this stuff yet (but yes I hate that this is our life and eventually they will start picking up on it)

What has been effective for y'all in boundary setting and how do you follow through?

We have a 1 year old. He woke up crying and needed a change to I went to do that. Q was sleeping in the couch and I knew he'd been drinking. I immediately smelled the oven and went to check. It was put to 300c (570f) which we never put it in. I remember he's supposed to bake a bread for his grandma who's bday we're going to tomorrow. I can't check what's in the oven, bc I have the baby in my arm.

I wake him up, with struggle of course, to ask about the oven, and of course he's completely confused. I give the baby to him and check the oven. Luckily it's empty. I turn it off and go to change baby and God help me, he starts taking the dough out of the fridge to prep it. I stop him and me and the baby goes back to bed. It's 2:30 am.

I remember only a week ago the battery of the fire alarm ran out and we haven't replaced it yet.

We could have died... He did bad shit but never shit like this. I'm so furious and I feel so betrayed. I know tomorrow he's gonna hate himself to the moon and back, which makes it harder for me to be angry with him. But fuck that I am livid. He does shit like this and doesn't take care to replace the fire alarm battery.

He's been getting better and better for years. I push him to therapy regularly, but it's really hard. His big weakness is binge drinking. He's gotten to a good level now, can actually come home around 22 and keep it to 3-4 beers. But if course, like any addict, he relapses...

I hope this event will give me power to push him to therapy. No questions asked.

After a bad night I usually tell myself, this is it, now I will put my foot down and tell him it's time for therapy. He promised me he would do it if I ever felt truly hopeless. But the next day when he tells me how regretful he is, I cave... Just writing this I'm realizing my own stupid pattern...

This is my first post here BTW. Been lurking for about a year. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my vent. ❤️

My wife (28) has finally admitted she's an addict after 5 years of being together. Her addiction got significantly worse in the last 12-15 months. I moved from my home country to be with her in the USA and that's when I saw how bad it got when we did 6 months of distance.

I gave up my career, family, etc to be with her and move to the USA.

There has been so much gaslighting, lying, mind games and manipulating that it is so hard for me to trust her. We are starting couples therapy next week and I do my own individual therapy.

I am struggling. The woman I married 4 years ago, is not the woman I am with today. Is there hope? She says she is sober, but I don't believe her, but I have to trust her?

I’m nervous to post and this is definitely a first. I am planning on attending the local al anon this coming week for the first time to hopefully start to find some clarity and comfort, but my brain has been spinning and I need to do some offloading.

My husband (M33) is a recovering addict and has been sober for 6 years from substances. His DOC was cocaine and meth. When I met him 4.5 years ago he was consuming alcohol but not in a worrisome way. He was very upfront and honest about his past drug use and even current cravings and is still to this day. However, because alcohol wasn’t his DOC and I believe he sees it as the lesser of two evils he doesn’t see it being the downfall.

Some back story. We started dating in 2020, both drank occasionally. Then I was very into fitness and was training for a competition so I stopped drinking from 2021- 2024. I would have the occasional cocktail with girlfriends but would not drink with my husband or if he was around once he decided to stop drinking. He stopped drinking in January of 2023 after we had gotten pregnant and his drinking was starting to get worrisome and I spoke up that this is not how I’m bringing a child into the world and will not stand for it. After a few horrible nights happened he decided to quit. He stayed sober up until August 31 of this year. He got angry with some stubborn drywall in our reno and left without telling me where he was going and picked up a 6 pack and drank 3. Too my knowledge he didn’t drink again for 6 weeks and found the other 3 I hid and drank them. Then he starting buying 2 here and there, and then today came home with a 24. He is only drinking 2-3 tall boys each time but it does scare me and I can’t shake the fear of when it turns into 8 or throwing up in the bathroom or passing out.

I have stated how him buying beers is scaring me and asking if he can help me understand why. He just told me to let him have his moment and to not worry. Well I did worry and lost my cool a little bit by saying the moment he made me a mother and responsible for another life, I will worry about those I love. Then he went on to saying I get crazy and overreact.

So I guess I’m just trying to suss out if it’s my hormones and anxiety of the what ifs or if I do have some grounds to be upset and set boundaries for alcohol in our house? I know harm reduction is a thing but I also know that when he was using or in the depths of drinking, there was no moderation.

Also how to speak to someone who doesn’t believe alcohol is to be worried about because it’s not their DOC but still has many addictive tendencies when it comes to other areas of their life ie. work, secrecy, cravings for coke, meth, pills?

Please be kind, we have a child and he is an amazing father. I’m just nervous with how this script goes and the unknown and where I’m helping or hurting the situation.

Hi! I am new to this group. My husband drinks everyday but only 3 bottles at maximum and when I confronted him that you will spiralling down again. I told him that he is becoming an alcoholic again and I dont want to experience the same emotional and mental pain I had before. But instead he told me that he is not an alcoholic, and that if I want him to smoke weed or drink alcohol cause he has sciatica and bulging disc which its getting worse everyday. The meds that our doctor prescribed are not working anymore. I told him that there are other ways to cope up with pain and problems but alcohol isnt the answer nor smoking weed.

He was sober for the last two years. He was so good as a husband and a father. But when we transferred to our new home where we are living closer to his friend who is an alcoholic, it changed everything. Whenever he is off from work, he goes to his friend house before going home to us. His reason is that he wants to destress. And that friend always calling him to go to his house and always ask him to drive around cause most of the time his friend cant drive since he is drunk or has alcohol in his system.

I am wondering whether I have the right to feel pain cause when I told him that to minimize going there or slow down your drinking but his defence is that he is going there to destress. Also I straight up told him that I dont like his friend and whenever he goes there, it scares me that he will spiral down. Unfortunately, he gets upset whenever I am upset at him going there and drinking instead of spending his time with us. I don’t know what else to make him realize that we are more important than alcohol and his friend. Or am I selfish of having those thoughts?

I left my Q but they just sent me a text saying they reported the car stolen. Trying to scare me. We are going through a divorce and i know the cops would not have allowed me to leave with one of the cars if he could report it stolen. I did get a court date and he must have received that information today. I just want my Q to leave me alone. I did not respond.

It may be a bit long but please read it.I need suggestions/help.I was suggested from r/alcoholism to come here.

So today I shouted at my dad.My dad has been an alcoholic my whole life and I had learn to cope with it.He would drink w hus friends in the usual place and come home usually with some shouting, threats and curses usually.

It all changed when we moved.He was still attached to his friends and that place. He would daily take a bus to that place and get drunk and come home.His usual curses increased and in this area as well ppl started to know about his alcoholic problem.He would always blame my mother for things and also he is not employed and we are not financially doing well so he asks mother for money daily to drink and for transportation. He says it's for some other purposes when asking though.

So, coming back to the topic , these past few days he would call me at nights to pick him up as mum stopped giving him money.I wouldn't go as this would turn out to be a bad habit for him.He would somehow return home but really mad and we are not even allowed to laugh or have fun near him when he is drunk.It was really pissing me off I was on the edge to shout at him or oppose him but he is my dad and I loved him so I could not muster the courage. Today however he peed his pants as he was entering the house. He always creates a scene when he js about to enter so all the neighbors are notified as well. And my poor mom who got to watch TV after prolly years was THREATENED by my mother to close the TV with the usual harsh insults. I couldn't see that so I shouted back at him and he raised his voice even higher. Then after a while he stopped and was like "my son shouted at me, for the first time, wow,thank you my son, its alright, are you rwally my son, will you now beat me?".I almost shed some tears and went to another room.Then we went to sleep and thought we were done for the day but after a while I could hear him start cursing at me.He although used to curse at my mom usually , used to love me alot but today he was cursing at me. He was saying stuff like" I'll bring my men and tie you up and put in a bag.now that you have turned 18 you will threaten me huh(ps:I didn't threaten him, I only shouted)., I'll throw you in the river you son of ...." and so on. It's 1am as I am writing this.I am not scared but heart breaking.

I had always held my tongue because of this reason only.I was scared that my only dad, i would loose him forever.I know violence will lead to no positive results. We can't move away from him as he always sticks with us.My mom can't divorce him yet as it may affect my visa interview.What do I do?

Hi all I've been posting the last month and a half. Well my q and I finally are on a break, I had to tell her this because the last time I tried to break up with her she attempted suicide. So I didn't want to risk her life over this - which I know is not really choosing myself but it was a better option.

It's been 28hours and she has rang and texted a few times can't understand why and in all this time she has 1. Not asked me how I am 2. Not asked what she can do to help and 3. Has really pulled out the victims and addict card multiple times.

Unfortunately I normally would bend and go back to the abuse but this I am firmly saying no. I don't know how long it will take to get all my ducks in order but I'm glad to have done it. Everything hurts and I'm having a good cry but it sucks that she can't and probably won't see the pain physically and mentally she has caused me and I hate that I am been made out to the bad guy.

Someone give me some inspirational quotes please

My Q is my partner. He’s relapsed to the point he’s drinking litre bottle of vodka a day. He lost his job. He’s lost his driving license from drink driving. He’s due in court in December but refusing to go. All he does is sit around the house drinking then eating then sleeping for hours. It’s this cycle all day long. He went to rehab last year for 6 months came out last December last year. He’s sworn to me that he will stop drinking however he’s not making the effort to even ring the doctors to get some withdrawal medication to help him. He seems to think he can do it without the help. But I’ve seen him literally have the shakes and sweating when he’s not had a drink in a few hours. He doesn’t want me to tell his family about him drinking again as he’s embarrassed and ashamed as he’s finally got a great relationship back with them all again. I really want to tell his family. I am constantly so stressed and worried about money and I just don’t know what to do next. If he finds out it’s me that’s told his family he’s drinking I’m worried what he would do. He can get really angry when he’s drunk. I’ve got a hole in the door where’s he’s punched it. There’s a hole in my living room wall from punching it. He constantly accuses me of cheating on him. Do I tell his family or do I leave him to deal with this in his own way??

Just here to vent - I'm active in al-anon but between sponsors so just...ugh

He's not physically cheating on me. That I know of. Yet. I should have ran when I could have.. when I found him messaging different people on Reddit, commenting on p*rn posts... he was in rehab and I confronted him.. he apologized and we worked through it as it was a time when he was heavy in use and we didn't live together. I moved past it.

A couple months ago before he heavily relapsed, dating apps/sites galore! Talking/texting/snapping multiple people. I confronted. It ended.

And here we are again! I knew he was being sneaky.. I found his tinder profile... and then my sister texts about some random snapchat... I confronted the tinder-it ended.. I confronted the snapchat he fully denied having anything to do with it (even though it's his alias when he plays Madden or the stupid emoji thing looked just like him)

I got on my laptop to go to my reddit - his is logged in and now im seeing messages from August-commenrs from 3 weeks ago... I want out so bad but can't afford it. I want it to be done. It only happens when he's using but I don't even know if I believe that anymore..not that it would ever make it okay.

I just wanna move out and move on with my life.. maybe find a person who finds value in me. Because I don't think he does anymore.

Hi y’all, it’s been a moment since I’ve been here. Things with mom’s recovery were going better and even her lab work was better from the lesser drinking. And now I’m visiting her again. And the instant smell of dirty dishes almost made me cry. And all the magazines and newspapers everywhere. Annnnd her drunken tone while she welcomed me back. I could tell that things were back to shit again. Again. AGAIN. I feel sick. And now she’s complaining about work, how she’s certain she will lose her job (recap; she got a warning at work for ”possibly being hungover” at work)…. And now I’m scared she WILL lose her job since she hasn’t STOPPED. SHE JUST WON’T STOP. To top it all of; my half sister told me also my DAD is severely alcoholic. We don’t get along but I just can’t understand how this problem just HAS to follow me on all fronts. I just don’t know how to deal.

How can I stop myself from getting disappointed? I know; The 3 C’s. I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it.

I just feel so hopeless yet again. And; sorry for venting about this again. Totally going to a meeting next week. I need it badly.

I just posted something else, but needed to vent to. Sorry.

I've (28,F) alwayed knew my father with a beer in is hand, but did not experience the destruction years later, right when I turned 19 or 20. It's been a rollercoaster since. I've moved out a couple of years ago, but still visit my parents regularly. I feel sad for my mother, cooing with his behaviour everyday.

This week was one of the lows. He got fired on monday because of some drunk things he said to his management in a groupschat of his work. I tired to help as much as possible building a new CV and everything else.

Yesterday en today were terrible. Yesterday I tried to have conversation with him about how his drinking is affecting a lot right now, but this unfortunately ended in a big fight. I have to admit, I have said harsh words. Sometimes because of the truth en sometimes because of emtions. Is it weird I feel guilty sometimes? But at the same time, I'm putting up my boundries

This morning I got called by my mom to rush over to their house because he said he wanted to kill himself. Went with my BF and found him at 09:30 with 1/3 of a whiskey bottle already emty. He ended up saying he did not wanted to kill himself and they were just words. Afterwards he was screaming at me for my behaviour towards him the other night. After a while of taking al those words in I just left. It made me feel so guilty for being honest with him. In his eyes I'm the bad guy right now. I don't know what to do.

Hi guys,

I (28, F)ust wanted to share my something I wrote while coping with the alcoholism of my father. It may not be perfectly written because English isn't my native language.

I haven't showed it too anyone close to me (yet) because I'm kinda anxious and don't feel they will understand. Feels more comfortable sharing it here and other pages.Thanks ❤️

• The Alcohol Society -

I saw the first signs when I was six,- or seventeen. You drifting away in your traumas, sorrow and everything. Drinking everything away, hope it will numb the pain.

Too many beers every afternoon, sometimes red wine shattered all over the room. The alcohol slowly took you over, rushing over like a tycoon. When it hits you, you hit us. Mostly with your words. You have no respect towards all of us, which hurt so much.

I don't recognise you when the alcohol takes you over. You're not the man I knew, the man who took control when I was younger.

I see you drifting and drifting away and have pain in my eyes. Will I ever see the real you again, or will I lose you to the alcohol that society glady provides?

Conquering the Spiritual Disease of Fear

The first time I had heard of Al-Anon was when I met my mother-in-law. She babbled on about how great a program it was and how it saved her life. Considering my background, it was absolutely mind boggling that I had no idea that alcohol could be such a problem in people’s lives that they had a program for it.

My mom was just 18 years old when I was born. At 16, she married a man with an inclination to smoke pot, drink, and try to flush her head down the toilet. They were divorced by the time I was one year old. When she began to raise her two children alone, she had a bad accent and the equivalent of a high school education.

She soon fell in love with the man who became her second husband. He drank, smoked, snorted cocaine, and sold drugs. My stepfather would have liked it better if I hadn’t been around. I can remember several occasions when they took me to parties where-instead of a potluck table-there would be all sorts of colored pills, bottles of liquor, cocaine on mirrors, and clouds of pot smoke wafting from room to room. I was the lucky one who held my mother’s hair back while she vomited her guts out in the bathroom.

As I got older, I swore I would never put myself in that position-wasted and out of control. My first boyfriend was an alcoholic drug addict. My second was, too. My third was 24 years older than I am. And then I met my husband. He actually had the good sense to tell me he was an addict. I didn’t listen. I had never known anything else.

I entered the Al-Anon program at the advice of a therapist about four years into our marriage. I thought I was going to learn about my husband’s behavior and how to handle it. I worked through the Steps with a Sponsor, but I really didn’t understand that my life was unmanageable because of my disease. I just thought I attracted “jerks.”

When I moved two years later, I worked the Steps again with another Sponsor. This time I learned that I could be controlling. But my husband was using again, and didn’t that make him the biggest jerk of all?

It wasn’t until December of last year that I hit bottom. I was severely depressed. I thought killing myself was the answer. I truly thought that my three sons would be better off without me, that I was teaching the younger ones bad habits, and that I was making the older one miserable. My husband, then sober, asked me to postpone killing myself until I had worked the Steps with a particular Sponsor. I agreed, and my life changed.

What I learned was that I have a disease that is just as detrimental to my health and well-being as alcoholism or drug addiction. I suffer from the spiritual disease of fear. When my disease is in control of my life, I am spiritually sick; and my behavior is bad. I am resentful and feel like I’m a victim.

On the other hand, my attitude brings serenity into my life when I focus on spiritual principles: acceptance, open-mindedness, honesty, love, forgiveness, harmony, faith, hope, light, and joy.

I oscillate between living in fear and living in the solution. Today I am quicker to become aware of my diseased thinking and gently place myself back into the hands of God.

Today I am able to admit it when I am at fault and make amends for my behavior. I am able to pray for God’s will for me and the power to carry that out. I am able to pass on what I have learned to someone else who is living in fear.

My father, ex-stepfather, mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and husband are all alcoholics. What I have learned from Al-Anon is that any problem I have with them is the result of my diseased thinking, not their behavior. I can now clearly see the separation between me, my disease, and the rest of the world. I owe my life to Al-Anon and all the members who help to keep me free from the spiritual disease of fear.

By P.A.M., Wyoming  June, 2009Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

Until Al-Anon, ​I Knew Only Chaos and Mistrust

If I had the power to take an eraser to my life, I would erase nearly all of it, with few exceptions.

I grew up not being able to trust that even my most basic needs would be met.

I am an only child who learned at a very early age not to go to my parents with any need, even at about five years old when I tried to eat liquid cleaner. No matter how much it burned, I kept my mouth closed and did not cry. Crying would have only brought punishment.

My father would send me to fetch his beers for him and chuckled when I drank some too. My parents yelled at me often and fought with each other. I was the counselor between them, trying to keep the peace.

One day, my father left for a two week fishing trip and did not come home. My mother had dropped out of high school and could barely support a 15 year-old girl. She began drinking, hanging out in bars, and bringing different men into our lives. Some abused her.

She often hit me, until I threatened to do her harm if she ever hit me again. I was 17 then. My mother’s favorite phrase to throw at me was, “I should have aborted you!” I swore to myself that I would never bring into the world a child that I didn’t want.

Both my parents had had dysfunctional upbringings; they applied their childhood experiences to their parenting. I was the result: an adult child of alcoholics who tried to be responsible for everyone else’s shortcomings and was afraid of people. I stuffed all of the pain and shame deep inside myself and told myself I was raised in a normal family. No matter what the situation was, I was always the problem. I stopped believing in God.

I didn’t realize how dysfunctional I was until I was an adult with virtually no life skills and had married someone equally dysfunctional. My husband readily blamed me whenever a problem surfaced, and I would agree with him. I went from counselor to counselor but could never get off the merry-go-round of depression, believing I had no value as a human being.

One counselor recommended I attend Al-Anon, and I thought he was off his rocker. I couldn’t admit to myself that alcohol had played a part. Sure, both my parents drank, but they weren’t hooked on alcohol. I told myself they couldn’t have been alcoholics; most of what they did to me happened when they were sober. Though my mother often drank away her sorrows after my father abandoned us, I didn’t recall ever seeing him drunk. I told myself I didn’t belong in Al-Anon.

After the birth of my first child, repressed memories surfaced at inopportune moments. Each memory brought me down further, reopening wounds that required more grieving. I lacked the skill to handle it all.

My six-year-old son was pounding his fists into me, taking all of his frustrations out on me, and I said to myself, “I can’t do this!” Then my husband refused to be involved with my son’s therapy, and he blamed me for the problems. Only then was I able to turn to al-anon and find sanity.

Through Al-Anon, I found people who shared things in their own lives that uncannily mirrored my own experiences. Even though I was too afraid to speak out during meetings, members greeted me, make me welcome, and reached out to me. Through
​Al-Anon, I have found true friendships.

When I can’t make it to one meeting, I can find another. When I can’t get to any meetings, The Forum provides me with a link to deep working the program. I have learned that I don’t have to be perfect, and I don’t have to be everyone’s doormat.

Through the first three Steps, I have found sanity and the ability to stand up for myself, even if it could mean that my husband chooses to leave me. I am more able to discern what I can change and am finally able to release to God the things I can’t change. I have found faith in God, who cares about me.
 
By Suzanne, California  June, 2009Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.

Short summary - AH binge drinking cycles have progressed to an unsustainable cycle for me. Working my ass off to keep life normal for the kids and keep him out of their sight.

He has not been sober in about a week and I have work commitments coming up - board meetings on the same day as a no school day, 3 day offsite where I've been asked to lead sessions. For context I am a female with a seat at the corporate table full of men who've committed their life to the job. I've worked so hard to get here without sacrificing being a good mom. I am a great mom.

With these things coming up, a drunk husband at home and children with no school days and me needing to travel for work - I am thinking I need to talk to my employer and share that I am dealing with a personal crisis and there is a chance I cannot participate in some of these things. I am just worried it will hurt me professionally and I need the income to escape our mad cycle.

It's not like I can get a sitter to come to our house with drunk husband at home. We live in another country from our family so no immmediate family.

Anyone seen being open with employer help?

I've been on a rollercoaster.

2nd round of rehab this year for a ketamine addiction, she came home early again. I was mad. She insisted I leave. Started the divorce process to try to force that. I want to stay "for the kids".

I grieved the loss and started looking into ways to make leaving work. Like maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I can maybe swing it financially, although it would be tight and scary. It would be an end to my problems. I shared what I found with her, like places I could go. Partially, just sharing, partially to say "this could be yours" so I sold it as "look, this is nice" This made her reconsider divorce, my making it real.

That reconsideration lasted about a week. She sent a text "don't come home without ice cream" I'd bought ice cream a couple days ago, and was not by a store, I was hungry and wanted to make dinner for the kids. I didn't bring home ice cream. Divorce was back on.

In this too, there were times when I was noticing she was on the ketamine. I don't have a good correlation of that making things good or bad. It's not like "she's drunk and yelling at me" I just don't know about ketamine, what it does to a person.

I started thinking, if I'm on the outs for no ice cream, then, one way or another this is over. I finally told the kids. Their reaction was subdued. Oldest said "this is a bit earlier than I was expecting" Middle was just "ok" and seemed ready to go along with it like she goes along with everything. Youngest, was a bit angry about it, but like how I get angry not dramatic.

Few days go by, she says she doesn't want divorce. I say it is in her court, all she has to do is tell her lawyer to call it off. I hadn't yet signed the acknowledgement I'd received the petition, and therefore it had not yet been filed.

She goes off to her parents. I ask her when she's leaving if this is a change, but, she evades the question. 2 days at her parents, she emails me telling me to sign the papers. I let that sit a couple days. Then she starts chatting me and I'm feeling something like a therapist. I'm just ignoring her attacks and bait, trying to keep it positive and toward the future. I tell her I sent off the papers. She seems to be starting to come around again, and says she's going to come home yesterday to participate in Halloween.

She said she had a headache, and couldn't come. Kind of disappointing as I had told the kids she was coming home, but they had their own plans anyway. We're texting, making reconciliations, and then she says she's back to drinking. She'd had a 3 year chip from alcohol at least in July. I'd told her if a couple weeks drunk like her usual relapses got her off the ketamine, that'd be worth while. She said she's off the ketamine, and drinking is the worst thing she could do. I didn't argue that, but I've dealt with drinking before, I have a relapse routine, she was able to get sober from that. I'm not sad about the drinking, at least I have experience with that and we kind of got over that before.

In this, she'd been saying "you want me addicted" I don't think that is true, but I have to question. I could say "she's just blaming me" but I have to wonder what have I been subconsciously putting out? When I read she was drinking, and that was a relief, what does that say about me?

I have to question what kind of vibes I'm putting out? I'm trying for live and let live. I will support you vibe. I try to offer the unconditional love I want. That might be because I see myself as a father more than a husband. Each is a little different, like loving and supporting the dogs is different than loving and supporting the kids, is different than loving and supporting her but this is what I do. I see it as my identity and value. Did I give her too much rope so she hung herself? I don't like leashing the dog either. I'll go for a walk, and let them run, knowing it is more in their interest to be near me, than it is for me to be near them. Trouble is if they run ahead, find a dead skunk and roll in it, it is my problem. So is it my fault they smell bad because I didn't hold the leash? Should I let the stinky dog back in the house, with a smell that won't quite wash off? Am I just being used for my kibble?

The reason she wants me to leave, is I'm not enough for her. She says I don't give her enough affirmations. She says I don't tell her how I'm feeling. I've told her a couple times, I have to keep her at arms length to protect myself from her. I can only connect so much, knowing at any moment, she's going to pull an existential stunt like this. She has before, but different, in a way that was somewhat traumatizing to me, and that trauma haunts me now a decade later. I even sent her some alanon literature about detachment.

Would I be loved if I didn't take care of them? I don't really know. I've never tried not. What is love anyway? What am I getting out of this? Why do I care? If the kids are meh about it, maybe I should just pack up and go. I asked the 15yo middle who is my moral compass "should we just go sooner than later?" and they didn't have an answer. So I told them my plan which is to slow walk it, and see what comes, but told them I'd speed it up if they told me to.

I'd thought this would be better/easier if she was sober, working, able to take care of herself. I was thinking to kind of delay this until she could, like she wasn't seeming mentally ill. I don't know if I can trust her judgement. Or do I not trust her judgement because she's judging me to be bad? Now, there's drinking again. I can't tell if it is better, worse, or just different.

If she's drunk, she's at her parents, so it is not on me. Last time I was at her parents, I saw a couple days worth of booze around their house. Last few times she got drunk, it was a couple weeks that she was. It's about a 4 hour ride out to her parent's, so she'd have to be soberish for like half a day to come back. Maybe my reprieve is that much longer.

I'm starting to adjust to the not knowing. Where do I stand? Where am I going to live next month? Am I deluding myself? Does it really matter? The only way for me to know is to make my worst fears come true.

I should talk to her mom. I like her mom, and her mom is a psychologist that's now spent a couple weeks with her. Her mom's helped me with her drama before. Her mom has her interests, and the kid's best interests at heart, and other than that, would be objective. I'm a bit afraid though, if her mom tells me to go, that'd be a sign to go. Or, her mom could confirm what I think, that she's a hurting pup, and we should help her for the greater good.

I don't know if what I want factors into any of this. Doesn't seem to. And, I don't know for sure what I want. I'd like her to stay, be sober, be like it was a couple years ago between the alcohol and the ketamine. Maybe it's not full on romance, but not bad, and that's ok. I think we can sustain that until the youngest leaves, then re-evaluate. Or, I want her to leave, if that's what she needs to do, if she needs to be away from me. But both of those things are on her, neither do I have any control over. So I'm living with this anxiety of not having any control of my fate. My life is unmanageable.

I grew up with this girl, she was so so sweet and I think of her as more of a little sister than a friend so I hate to see the way her life is going right now. She is an alcoholic. She drinks excessively daily. She has been caught taking a Stanley cup full of alcohol to school and work and she was planning on driving herself home after drinking it all i know she drinks and drives sometimes but I can’t imagine how often she might be doing it. My friend is in the same college class as her and says she shows up to their 9am class with alcohol and offers everyone to take shots with her. She has posted online about withdraw symptoms being so bad she’s chugged a bottle of vanilla extract before. She was in the hospital for an overdose a few weeks ago and as soon as she got out she started saying she wants to have a baby by end of next year. Like 2 weeks later she messaged me saying she thinks she’s pregnant. She wasn’t. She shows up to parties where she knows absolutely nobody, asking for drinks. I’m afraid she’s going to get herself hurt doing that, she’s going to kill herself or someone else drinking and driving, and she is going to have a baby that she is NOT ready for. She’s 18! Barely. She is so young and I don’t want her to ruin her life but I don’t know how to help her. She lives at home with her parents and they know about this and threaten rehab, send her texts about how she needs to wake up and she is an alcoholic but they won’t do anything about it. I’m very worried for her but not sure I can help at all.

I

First time posting here, but im lost. On a throwaway account and some details are changed for privacy, but here we go.

Me and may Q were supposed to celebrate our 4 year anniversary a couple of days ago, but I havent seen him in like 2 weeks. This time of year is super tough for them, well before I reached my hand out to help. When we reconnected and dating they came to me broken and abused. I have done my best over these years to be as patient and undsrstanding of their problem more than humanly possible. I have been physically, mentally, and emotinally abused while my Q is drunk. When they are not and they are on their medication, its the only time ive ever truly known happiness.

I myself used to be an alcoholic for many years. But once I saw how my actions were changing due to drowning in booze, I decided to make a change. I know rock bottom is different for everyone but when you can acknowledge how wrong your actions are, before you make them, I feel you are choosing to stay addicted.

Over the years when they have stumbled, which is okay as long as you pick yourself up and learn, I have been patient, helped them come to terms of their actions, understand, and move on. I also, as much as I can, recognise thier efforts and milestones to show then growth because their self loathing prevents them from seeing any improvement.

I work full time while they have their 2 children 4 days a week. Theyre only job in my eyes are are their kids(plus mental health issues are a huge roadblock). Were not struggling financially, but any extra income could help. Every option ive offered for the to help with limited effort on their end are now "triggers", which in this context feels childish to me(not trying to discredit actual triggers for people).

I love then. They are the only person in my life that has ever tried to know me. The drinking has been better for a year or two, but once it reveals its ugly head, god is it destructive. I learned my lesson years ago, they have seem me drunk 4 times in our time together. And overtime it ends horribly.

This latest fight stems from my moment of weakness after we had to put our dog down. We both had a couple drinks in our grief. Q pushed to many buttons. My fault for drinking and not having my guard up so I wasnt able to hold back like I would. After night of arguing, them slapping me, they drove off to the house they still share legally with their ex when they were married. It was my Q's before their marriage so its Q's housed uncontested but they moved in with me. I trust my Q to not betray our relationship because they HATE their ex and im pretty sure vice verse, but they can coparent. I Don t trust the ex, which is an alcoholic as well, and did during their relationship and is currently feeding my Q booze. Q's biggest problem when they drink, is their goal is to blackout. They dont admit it, but I know, because thats how I was. I see me.

I already know, mentally, financially, and probably emotionally it would be better for me to let go. But I cant. Family and friends say im a fixer. I guess I am. But I know for me, Q, and their kids, I am the best hope for a future for them. And "im being ddlusional" or "stubborn" but in my 40+ years, ive never been seen like this by anyone, im finding me. They HAVE made me a better person. I have helped make them a better person. I love their kids. Im not able to be around as much as I want because I work a lot, but I love your little family we've built, and the family we were planning for. I just cant let go. Its making me feel so lost and numb.

Thanks too anyone who read this. Sorry for the rant, but I cant go to anyone in my personal life. Every time ive tried to talk to anyone to help me process things, it blows up in my face, not by the fault of Q. They are a wonderful person. Ive never know someone who can love like they do. They cherish their loved ones like ive never seen in real life.

Im not a perfect person. I have walls, scars, and im not very knowledgeable bout myself or my own emotions. Never was allowed to, but im learning, with Q. I can understand I made mistakes. But I dont understand how Q can just throw everything away, choose to stay with the ex because they feed Q booze. I have never layed my hands on them, never emotionally attack, and never lashed out with intent to hurt. All of which I have endured, for them. To help them. They know all of this is them. They know their decisions are the worst ones. But "they came to me broken and wasn't ready." We knea that from the start. But staying with the person who emotionally broke you, turned you into an alcoholic, and got you arrested for domestic abuse, from things my Q suffered, not inflicted on the ex, is literally the worst decision they can make. I dont understand. Am I a monster and dont know?

Once again thank you too anyone who took the homebto hear my problems. I hopenyou all have a wonderful day, a great holidays. Im gonna go spend my birthday contemplating our relationship, and wondering if ill ever hear back from them. Its been 4 days and not reaponse...

back to back relationships?

is this normal in adult relationships? I (25F) am having a difficult time letting go of an ex (28M) who is full-fledged dating someone else already. We officially broke up like 3 weeks ago? He met her for the first time the same day I broke up with him bc of his lying/active addiction. I know this because up until Tuesday we'd still been in contact everyday.

Now he's sober (at least in regards to alcohol, he's required to blow into a breathalyzer 3x daily) and he's dating her. He has lied to her about almost every facet of his life and also tried lying to me about not seeing her saying he needs to work on himself and get healthy and he wants to date me again in the future.

I did the back-to-back relationships too until I was maybe 21. I have no interest in dating anyone else right now and cannot fathom how he has moved on so quickly. How common is this for other adults?!

He's definitely using her for immediate comfort/distraction and I assume it won't last once she realizes how much he has lied about. It's still so difficult for me to accept this though and think about how he replaced me so quickly and easily.

I'd made boundaries about his behavior and his sobriety very clear. I'm sure he finds it easier to move on with someone who doesn't know his past or his bad habits. I obviously don't want him to relapse or be abusive, but it's also hard knowing he's giving her everything I wanted from him. Time, sobriety, kindness, etc. And I'm left behind feeling used and traumatized. It's somehow making it even more difficult for me to move on.

I met my Q November 2023 and we started casually seeing each other. We became officially a couple in March 2024 and started progressing forward in our relationship. We both have children so we only see each other every other weekend for the majority of our relationship, but we talk daily and stay connected through that.

Overall, our relationship has been amazing. We have great communication and have been open always about our feelings and concerns. There has never been any disrespect, aggression, or any red flags (I looked high and low because I came out of a toxic and abusive relationship a couple years prior to this relationship). My Q is honestly my very best friend.

Last week, my Q came to me that they have a drinking problem. We have had times where we drink together, but it never seemed excessive and their personality doesn’t change at all. They explained that they drink alone and they know it’s wrong and they have been afraid to tell me. This has opened my eyes to why sometimes I felt my Q kept me at a distance and why we have not attempted to meet each other’s kids officially. My Q then told their family and friends about their drinking. My Q decided that they needed to go to a detox facility and inpatient treatment, which I am so proud of them.

Not having our daily communication is killing me. I keep having anxiety that my Q will come out and realize this relationship is too much for them. I also realize the effort I would need to put in to support them, which I whole heartedly want to do because I love them very much. I cycle between very sad and upset that a relationship I thought was the healthiest I’ve been in has now faced these unexpected challenges. I’m also scared they will come out and not love me anymore or that this relationship I have been fully committed to is not the same for them sober.

I don’t know how to stop having these concerns. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I love my Q so very much. I’m researching addiction and the support needed for recovery. I’m focusing on myself while I can’t talk to them by attending therapy, exercising, and keeping busy with work and my child. But at the end of the day, I am so scared of losing my best friend and my heart is breaking.

All men’s miseries derive from being unable to sit quietly in a room alone. —Blaise Pascal quoted in Courage to Change p306 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I enjoy my life. I can be alone without feeling lonely. —A Little Time for Myself p306 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Realizing that we often take for granted both our health and the precious time we have been given in this life, we may develop a fresh appreciation for both, making each day that much more fulfilling. —How Al-Anon Works pp77-78 ©️1995 by Al-Anon Family Group

For about 5 years my brother has basically been a full fledged alcoholic. We both live with our mother so I’m caught in the middle. I’m talking he will drink and entire handle plus more in one sitting. He gets so intoxicated he will verbally abuse us all. Accuse us of things we didn’t do.

A month or so back we went out to the bar with some friends. He got so intoxicated he accused me of stealing his wallet. In turn he trashed my entire car. He threw everything I owned in my car in the driveway. I had 2 soft drinks from a fast food restaurant I’d just visited in the car and he slung them on my seats in a fit of rage.

Tonight, he is drinking again. He started berating and insulting me. Telling me I have anger issues, I’m stupid, I’m sensitive, cannot handle criticism, the list goes on. I obviously reacted negatively. I started shouting at him to leave me alone. Not the right way to handle it, I know. I’m just pushed to a breaking point because this happens so frequently. To get away from his negativity I go to take my dogs on a walk. I come back and he has locked me out of the house as he insults me through the door and laughs. He finally unlocks it but forcibly holds it shut so I cannot open it. I finally push my way in and he stumbles back. When I walk through the door he shoves me in retaliation.

Our father and grandfather were both alcoholics. It’s clear to me my brother is following their footsteps. He refuses to admit it or see any wrong in his actions. Even when he is in the wrong he takes no accountability and makes excuses for his actions.

Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get it out somewhere.

My husband has been sober for 15 months after he lost his job due to his alcoholism. He got his dream job that we moved across the country for and I was pregnant at the time. Had our daughter and she’s 3 months old. He’s on a work trip and was acting really strange while texting me, so I FaceTimed and instantly knew. I saw the giant empty bottle of wine in the corner of the screen which was confirmation of my biggest fear. I’m sad for him. I know he’s ashamed and embarrassed. But I’m also extremely upset and unsure of what to do. I need to protect my daughter but I don’t want to give up on him. I’m very scared of what this means.